Amena Brown:
Hey, y'all. Welcome back to this week's episode of HER with Amena Brown. And you know what I realized, y'all? I, several weeks ago, did an episode called Everyone Needs That Friend. And y'all know what? I actually had a part two to that, that y'all are just now getting to hear. So, I'm going to talk through the part two things, but just feel like this came out shortly after the first one. So, I wanted to talk about everyone needs that friend, because I really enjoyed our part one episode. And we talked about quite a few friends that you need in your life. So, I wanted to name a few other types of friends. And then at the end of this episode, I want to talk about new friends, because I think new friends are also important and it's important for us to give ourselves grace if we go through seasons where we may not be in a new friend's capacity.
Amena Brown:
One friend that everyone needs is you need a Come As You Are Friend. And I specifically mean a friend that you can have come to your house when your house isn't clean and that they are not so bothered that your house isn't clean, that they came to just sit down and hang out with you. You need a friend like that. You also probably need some friends who just are very neat like that. You probably do need those people too. But you need even somebody who could be neat, but could come to your house and be like, I see that the floors need to be swept. I see that the toilet may not be cleaned all the way. I see that it's dusty in here, but I don't care, because I came here to see my friend. You need that kind of friend. And I appreciate those friends.
Amena Brown:
I try to be that friend to other people, if I can. I try to be like, I'm just come to your house. We can kick it. We can light a candle. Also, I'm your friend. I'm not worried about your house being spick and span for me. For me, in the way my husband and I are at our house, spick and span is a thing that we do for strangers. Spick and span is a thing you do for people you don't know. Once you know people, you just be like, look, you know what our life is like. You know what's been going on, just come in. And sometimes you have those people who they just love you. They see dishes in the sink while y'all talking, they want to get up and do a dish. I welcome them to do that, but it's not expected.
Amena Brown:
You want to have a friend that can just come to your house. I think what's underneath what I'm trying to say there, is you want to have a Come As You Are Friend, because that's a friend that's never going to judge you based on what your house is like when they get there. And you need a friend like that. You also need to Keep It Real Friend. And there are a lot of layers to what I'm about to say here, because I sometimes think people take the keep it real and we've seen how keep it real can go wrong. And I think there's a lot of layers to having a Keep It Real Friend. I think one of the layers is you have a friend that you can have really honest conversation with about uncomfortable topics.
Amena Brown:
And I think we talked in the last episode that I did about this in the part one episode. I think we talked about having a freaky friend, and that this can fall under the keep it real category. But I also want to say, keeping it real with your friend goes beyond sex as a topic, although that can be a part of it. But it could also be about, I was about to say genitalia, but I think I have a specific example I want to give here. For my friends that also have breasts and also have vaginas, having a keep it real friend that you can say, hey, have you ever, and you can name them, like some experience that you've had. I know that I have talked to some of my other friends who have breasts and I have been like, what's the deal with the boob sweat? What are you doing about that in the summer in the south? That's a Keep It Real Friend, someone that is not going to get super uncomfortable with you saying these things.
Amena Brown:
I do think sex could be included there, but not in the same way as having a freaky friend. If you have a Keep It Real Friend, I know I have a couple of friends that if they could call and be like, girl, what you been up to, and you could actually tell them if you were engaging in a sexual activity, you could just drop to them like, yeah, girl was just doing that. But anyways, I'm here now, what you up to? And they're not going to be yikes, or clutching their pearls. They're just going to move on. They're going to be like, okay, cool, you was doing that. You had a sandwich. Great. Okay. Things like this. I think that is a part of having a Keep It Real Friend.
Amena Brown:
I think on a more vulnerable level, having a Keep It Real Friend is also someone that if you have something to say to them, that's hard for you to say, or that is vulnerable for you to say, that you can keep it real with them. I think that's the thing. When we think about a Keep It Real Friend, you could be thinking about a friend you have who keeps it real. And that's a part of it. But you can also have a Keep It Real Friend that you feel you can keep it real with, that you feel you don't have to not talk about this or that if you needed to bring that up to them. And I know, at what the kids are saying is my big age of 42. I have experienced a lot of life with my friends. My own things that I've been through, things that they've been through, where we've needed to be able to sit down and say, this is a thing that's happening in my life.
Amena Brown:
For some of my friends, they needed to be able to say to me, my marriage is over. For some of my friends, they needed to be able to say to me, here's the struggle I'm having as a parent. For some of my friends, they needed to say to me, here's where I'm feeling pretty pissed off about my dating life right now, or here's where I'm feeling really disillusioned with my career and what that could mean for me financially if I make those choices. I think part of having a Keep It Real Friend is, yes, you want people in your life who keep it real with you. You want people in your life that are not going to be afraid to tell you what you might not want to hear. We talked about the Fashion Friend too, in the previous part one episode to this, but you want to have a friend that can tell you if the clothes you wear and maybe don't look good on you. But they can tell you in a loving way and help you figure out how you going to fix it.
Amena Brown:
You want to have some friends that can tell you when your lipstick color could be better, but not because they need to criticize you, not because they need to be backhanded and mean towards you, but because they want good for you because they love you and they have a way of sharing that with you that shows the love there. And you want to make sure you have friends that you can say it. You can say it. And sometimes you're going to have some hard stuff going on in life. You're going to have to admit some things that are hard to say out loud to someone, but it's good to have a friend that you can do that with, that you know if you had to call them and tell them this thing that's highly inappropriate, they're going to be like, I'm ready. I'm listening. Tell me what's up.
Amena Brown:
You want to have some friends with history. And this is an interesting one, because I remember in my twenties, I feel like my twenties was a decade for me that I felt the need for separation. Some of that separation was from my family. I felt like I needed to separate from my family or from my parents in this way, because I needed to define my own adulthood separate from them. And I think during that season of life, I also just didn't necessarily see the importance of having friends that you have history with. Because sometimes, I think this is the trouble, that sometimes we have friends that we have history with, but that's all we have with them. We don't have current experiences, current memories. It's your friends, but your friends with who you were when you met each other or you're friends with who you were in the past. And that is not what I mean when I say friends with history.
Amena Brown:
I think it can be not so great when you have a friendship and all you have is the past, because what if that's not who you are now or what if you're into some different things, or what if you just want to have current experiences with your friends? I think you have to watch it when you have friendships and all you have is history. If every time you get together, all you're doing is reminiscing on things that happened in the past, then you ought to ask yourself, do I feel like I can really be who I am now around that person? Do I feel like there's more to our friendship than just the past? So, I think it's good when you have friends with history who are also willing to grow with you, and this does not always come in the same package.
Amena Brown:
I have some people that I would say are friends, that all I have with them is that history we had. And for a short period of conversation or for a short visit, I don't mind reminiscing. I don't mind being like, oh, my gosh, you remember when we, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, after school? I don't mind doing that for a time, but at a point I'm going to be like, but I'm not 18 anymore or I'm not 22 or whatever age we were when we met, whatever age we were when we made those memories. I want to know that you can be my friend today and you can know me from back then, but you are giving me the room to become whoever I am today. And that is a package deal, that when you get a friend that can do both of those things, that's a real, real gift in life. I am happy to say that I have a few friends that fall in that category for me, that we've been friends.
Amena Brown:
I have a best friend that we've been friends since we were in high school and we have walked each other through all sorts of life. But I know about her and I hope that she knows about me too, that I'm not holding her to the standard of who she was when we met. I want her to be whoever she is now, I want to be whoever I am now, and I want us to have both when we can. But I think the plus when you have friends in your life that are your current friends, that you can be yourself now, but you have this history with them. I mean, first of all, it gives a lot of amazing stories of all the life that you've lived together over the years. But it also really brings such groundedness to the relationship because you are talking to someone who knows you very well.
Amena Brown:
And a lot of my friends that I would say fit in this category for me, that they're friends I have history with and we've been able to grow together, we've been able to give each other the room to become whoever we're going to become. It's really hard to lie to them because they've known me a long time. When you have newer friends, sometimes if you're not thinking about it, you can almost be like, I wouldn't say it's quite like reinventing yourself, you're being yourself, but you're just sharing this who you are now. It's going to take them time to get to know who you were in these previous seasons of your life. And I could think of a really specific moment. And I feel like maybe my friend, Celita and I talked about this when I had her on the podcast here.
Amena Brown:
But I remember I had a Thanksgiving where I was really sad and just dealing with a lot of loss and grief related to miscarriage and stuff like that, that had happened around that time of year. And three of my friends from college that year happened to come over our house for Thanksgiving. And I looked around and everybody was sitting at their different tables, eating food and playing cards and just chilling how people do on a holiday like that. And I looked around and I felt so much gratitude. I felt so grateful that these were women that I had been in the dorm with. These were women that we had, all of us, gone through a lot of transitions and transformations and some tragedy, and we'd experienced all levels of things. And it brought me a certain kind of comfort that they were at my house that particular holiday, because even if I felt sad, I didn't have to perform happy for them because we had history like that. And they would never want me to do that anyways. They had enough capacity to hold space for me, whatever I felt like.
Amena Brown:
So, I think it's good. Now, I can say at this season of life, it is dope when you have friends that you have known for a long time, but you've been able to grow together. That's a very dope experience I recommend. Another friend that everyone needs is a Hobby Friend. I maybe should start by saying that it's nice when you can have a hobby, because some of y'all might be like, can't have a hobby friend if I don't have a hobby. And I bring up hobbies here with no judgment, because I think whether it's podcasting or conferences we attend or whatever, or social media, we get a lot of prescriptive language from folks. We get a lot of like, you got to have this and you need that. And some of us, honestly, may be in a place where we don't have a hobby, we don't want one, we don't need one. Everyone doesn't have to have a hobby. So, I want to give that caveat.
Amena Brown:
But I want to say, if you do have a hobby, I guess I want to speak a little to hobbies for a minute before I get to the Hobby Friend. I think sometimes maybe hobby is becoming an antiquated word. I know it's not something that I typically say in conversation. And if I were somewhere and someone were to say, what are your hobbies? Hobbies always seem like stamp collecting, and maybe crocheting seems like it falls under hobby to me. It's always crafty for some reason. When people say they have a hobby, it's bird watching, it's crafty, or it's nature risk. And in my mind, it's hard for me to imagine hobbies outside of that, but I'm using hobby just so it can be a short form shortcut language there for us right now.
Amena Brown:
But I think really what we're talking about when we're talking about hobbies, we're talking about the stuff that you do when you're not at work and when you're not doing things for other people, the things that you do, because you love it or you enjoy it. What we would've said when you were in college, maybe what we would've said would be the elective. If your life could have an elective, then what would that be? And I do think it's worth, even if it's not how I view a hobby, just having a somewhat of an extracurricular something that you do. And maybe you don't do it every day and maybe you don't do it every week, but having something that you're like, I do that, and it's not my job. And it's not me being with other people, whether that's family or friends or whatever social functions. It's stuff that I do because I love it. I enjoy it.
Amena Brown:
I think it's good to find that for yourself. And honestly, for me, some seasons of my life, it's cooking and learning to cook new dishes that I've never learned how to cook before and stuff like that. That's a hobby of mine. Watching reality television is also a hobby of mine. Walking through antique stores, walking the aisles of T.J. Maxx, those are things that I would count beyond what my initial definition is when I hear the word hobby. What could be interesting sometimes when you have your friends that you have that deeper relationship to, and I think that's wonderful. And I think it's also good when you have friends that y'all have been through all this stuff together. You've gone through the hard stuff. I feel like I'm learning with my friends to also make sure that we have time, that we just shoot the shit. You know what I mean?
Amena Brown:
We have time that we're not like, how'd that make you feel? Then what you say? Do you think that came from your family of origin? Where you're not just talking about the hard things of life, but where you can talk about some light stuff. I have a couple of friends that we love to watch the same reality TV shows. So, we'll catch up and talk about maybe some challenges that we're having in life, some other stressors that may be going on, and then we'll be like, but girl, Love & Marriage: Huntsville, and then we get into that. I think it's good to have a Hobby Friend. And I think that can look a lot of different ways, but it could be a friend that you have that maybe y'all never talk about super deep stuff in life. Maybe all y'all talk about is your hobby, and that is great.
Amena Brown:
Every friendship does not have to be deep. It's good to have some friendships that are surface to mid. And I wasn't always of that opinion. I was more like, I don't see why I would want to have friends that I can't get deep in life with them. But now I'm like, yo, sometimes it's nice to just have a friend that you can talk to about furniture or whatever it is you're into. So, having a Hobby Friend can be really great, because it encourages you to continue spending time doing something that you love, but you also have someone to talk about it. And truthfully, you probably have something in your life that you really love or care about. And there may be other people in your life, other family or friends or whatever that don't care about that thing at all. And you're talking to them about this stuff you love to do, and their eyes are glazing over, because it's not important to them.
Amena Brown:
Find you a friend whose eyes aren't glazing over about that. Find you a friend, that when you bring that up, they're like, yes, tell me all the details. I want to hear it. That's what a Hobby Friend does. Everybody needs that friend. And I am going to close this episode by saying, everyone needs new friends sometimes. And I'm going to caveat that and we'll talk about that here. I think the new friends are important, because I think it's good to open up your circle and meet some new people. You may gain some new perspectives. I also think what's interesting about having friends with history, is that sometimes your friends with history, y'all may go through the phases or different stages of life differently or at different times, or y'all may experience it where one friend goes through a certain stage of life and the other friend doesn't.
Amena Brown:
So, for example, even if we talk about developmentally, you may be continuing to progress in your career. You may have a friend who isn't progressing in their career or has chosen not to, because of other things that they wanted to commit their life to. Or you may not be married and you may have a friend who gets married, and because of the dynamics of their getting married, that may change some of the dynamics around their relationship. Obviously, this can also happen when people move to a different place. This can also happen when people have children. And there's just that difference of like, well, I'm living here and you used to live here, well, now you live there. Or we used to do these types of things in this way. We used to spend time in these ways, but now we can't because you have additional family commitments. Maybe you're caring for a parent, maybe you're caring for a child, all these different dynamics that we learn to grow together and find ways around and through as friends with history.
Amena Brown:
But sometimes I have found when that happens, where especially when it's a developmental thing, as far as stage of life or certain types of experiences like that, that can feel like, oh, this person is now having that experience in their life. I'm not having that experience. What does that mean? Well, sometimes that will mean different things for the friendship. Sometimes it won't. And you'll find new ways to hang out together or figure that out. But I also feel like, when you can open yourself to new friends, that's also good, because sometimes you may open yourself up to a new friend that may share the stage of life where you are. Maybe you're caring for a parent and most of your friends aren't. And you love them and they love you, but they don't know the rigors of what that's like.
Amena Brown:
And maybe you find a new friend that understands that, because they're also caring for a parent. Or maybe I know for me, career wise, a lot of my really good and close friends aren't in the same career that I'm in. So, there were certain things that we could just talk about as professionals, but I realized I needed some friends that also did something similar to what I do for a living, so that I could share in that with them. For me, that took the burden off of my friends that may not know that much about my career, takes the burden off of me feeling like, oh, why don't they understand? It takes the burden off of them being like, wait, what's that? So, how's that go? And gives me the ability to have some new friends that know the ins and outs of my industry, that experience some of the things that I experience as a professional.
Amena Brown:
So, I think when it comes to new friends, here would be the tips that I would give you. I think it's important to when you are able to, to have an open heart to new friends. It does take that. It takes you having the ability to be open to getting to know other people, be open to them, getting to know you to the time it may take to get to know someone. I think similar to what we were talking about with the hobby friend, it's okay to not have to focus on the hard stuff when you first meet a new friend. It's okay that it's surface at first or for a while or whatever, just because you're not getting into the deep recesses of your upbringing and traumas you may have experienced and things like that. It doesn't mean that this couldn't be a valuable friend in your life.
Amena Brown:
I'm a person who, I don't know, it's like I'm trying to describe myself here. I'm like, I'm not sure if I'm a person who wears my heart on my sleeve, but I can be a person who just gets right down to it, as far as what's happening in my life. I really had to learn to practice with friends, going more slowly with letting them get to know me and not feeling like, oh, my gosh, I just met you. And I really like our vibe, so now I want you to be in my life forever. I need to catch you up on everything that ever happened to me. The friends you have that you have history with, you built that history slowly over time, and give your new friends the same, give them the same sort of grace or margin that way.
Amena Brown:
I do want to talk a little bit about what happens when you're in a season of life that you cannot do it with new friends. I think it was Drake who had a song called No New Friends. And when I first heard it, I was like, wow, why would he ever say that? And then I've gone through seasons a few times myself, where it is a season. I mean, even actually I would say right now, I'm in a season where, because of things that are just happening in my life right now, I'm not in a season where I can cultivate new friendships right now. And I do think seasons like that exist, and that's not a bad thing. You'll have seasons in your life where you don't have capacity. You'll have capacity to get to know someone else. You don't have capacity to figure out how to kick it with them, how to fold them into your life. And I think it's important to acknowledge that and not feel bad or burdened that, that may be true for you.
Amena Brown:
The truth is, I think if you meet a new friend, that could be a great new friend for you. And you're in a season right now where you can't be friends. If you have capacity to say, man, I love getting to know you and talking to you, we should hang out, but I'm going to tell you right now, things is wild in life right now. Give me some time, I'll reach out. And if you are the friend on the other side of that conversation, try to hold space for the fact that people are going through a lot. People are going through a lot that they may not tell you. People are going through a lot that they may not even have capacity to explain or tell you. And if you hear from a friend of yours, hey, I'm going through this, I'm processing this, give me time. When I'm ready, I'll reach out to you. Let them reach out to you.
Amena Brown:
Don't assume that because such and such amount of days, weeks, months have gone by, that you have to be the one to keep up with that. I've had some seasons where just even my mental health was in a place where I can't manage all the catch ups. I can't do that right now. For new friends, I don't have the capacity for that at the moment. And so, when I say, I will reach out to you when I have capacity, I will, but I don't know when. I don't know if it's going to be two months or six months. And sometimes, to be truthful, I've had some newer friends in life that what I was going through, I didn't even have capacity to say, I don't have space for this right now. Let me get in touch with you.
Amena Brown:
I think this goes back to what we were talking about in some other earlier friendship episodes a few months ago in the podcast, maybe that was several months ago now. Really, we were talking about this idea that you're going to have times that you don't have the capacity to communicate those things. And that is sometimes how we either ghost friends or we have been ghosted and everybody hates to be ghosted. And plenty of people have possibly not so great reasons that they ghost, but I try to hold space for people that sometimes people are ghosting, not because they're bad people. Sometimes they're ghosting, because they literally don't have capacity to tell you that it's too much right now.
Amena Brown:
So, if you are not able to have new friends right now in your life, that's okay. That's okay. And don't put pressure on yourself. Don't do any of that. Don't do any of that. Just be where you are. Be in the relationships you can be in. Be in the friendships you can be in. And that's okay. And if you are a person who was looking forward to that new friendship and you can feel that the person may not have space or capacity, try to give them some margin, some grace. Try to give them that bit of patience that says, Hey, we're friends, we going to be in each other's lives. And I will say about this, if you have a friend, especially a new friend and maybe they're going through something and they may not feel comfortable to talk to you about it. If they say that it's okay for you to communicate to them.
Amena Brown:
Because if they tell you like, please let me do this, then let them. But if they have given you like, you might not hear from me, it's okay if you write to me, just have the margin that you may not hear from me. I have found that the most helpful text messages are ones that sound like this. Hey, been thinking about you. You've been on my mind. No need to respond if you don't feel up to it, just wanted you to know you were in my thoughts. Especially when I was going through a really tough time, people that have sent me funny links and been like, thought about you when I saw this, wanted to reach out and send it to you. Hope it gives you a smile today. Again, with the no need to respond, if you don't feel up to it. You would be surprised how much that sentence does for people.
Amena Brown:
You would be surprised how much of a [breathes] it could give to a friend that may be struggling at the moment. And if you're a person who likes to communicate like that, you want people to know you care about them, that type of message is I think could be more helpful and better received, then if you're always asking for something of them. Even if you are like, well, what you're asking is pretty simple. Even if you're like, Hey, how are you? Pretty simple message. But if in my world, I'm super overwhelmed, I'm doing everything I can to survive, I'm trying to keep my head above water. I don't know how to answer that if we are new friends or if we're not close friends. It's better to say, hey, thinking about you, checking on you, wondering how you are. No pressure to respond, no need to write back, give people those things.
Amena Brown:
Part of friendship, interestingly is cultivating that communication. It's staying in touch. It's doing those things. But sometimes a part of being a good friend is knowing when to give space and when to hold it as well. So, we did it, y'all. Everyone needs that friend. I am so thankful for my friends who are that friend to me. I hope that if there's someone that came to your mind or your heart, maybe you can reach out to them. Maybe you can hang out with them if your schedules allow. But do what you can to be a good friend. Do what you can to make sure that the good friends in your life know you appreciate them.
Amena Brown:
And as a great reminder, my therapist has reminded me of this as well, and also make sure that you remember to be a good friend to yourself. Talk to y'all later. HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening. And don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.