Amena Brown:
That time I met India.Arie. That time I went on a really bad date. That time I was directed by Robert Townsend. That time I got mono on Thanksgiving. That time I went on a really bad Christmas tour. That time I ...
Amena Brown:
Hey y'all. Welcome back to HER with Amena Brown. And I feel like this episode, last episode, and possibly the next two episodes all just feel like a series of me telling y'all my business. So hey, if that's what you come to this podcast for, if you come here because you wanted to know my business, then you have entered here at a good time. Because apparently, something in my spirit is bringing up episode ideas that mean I need to come in here and tell you all my business.
Amena Brown:
But truthfully, that's what the HER living room is for. Right? That's how I come to the living room with my girlfriends. I arrive at their houses of course in the Before Times, but now slowly but surely as I'm now fully vaccinated and my friends are getting fully vaccinated, we're able to get back to having our in-person living room, which is so wonderful.
Amena Brown:
And we just show up. If you dress cute, okay. If you not, okay. If you just in your sweatpants, and your dirty sneakers, and you got half a thing of hummus, and I got a third of a bell pepper, then we bring what we got to the table, to the couch. To wherever we are, we light a candle and we start talking. So that's what I hope these episodes are like for you all. So thank you for listening.
Amena Brown:
Today, we are talking about that time I went to therapy. And specifically, I'm talking today about the first time I ever went to therapy. I was talking with someone recently that has never been to therapy. And it sort of made me go back in my own journey of thinking about what it was that led me to actually go to therapy, what that experience was like. So maybe you're listening and you've never been to therapy, and you've kind of been thinking about going. And I'm hoping that things I say don't discourage you. I'm hoping the things I say encourage you to go to therapy.
Amena Brown:
So I went to therapy for the first time when I was 25 years old. And I'll tell you the interesting story of what led to me going to therapy. So if you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you have heard me tell you the story of how I got hired to work in corporate America at 25 years old. And I thought that was going to be super amazing because it was the first time that I was getting paid to be a writer. And I discovered within six months of being there, that I hated that job.
Amena Brown:
So around this time in my life, there were a lot of things swirling. I was working what felt like my first real job. It wasn't quite my first real job. I'd had some real jobs before this one, but this was what felt like my first grown-up job, where I went and bought my first suits to wear to work.
Amena Brown:
Around this time, I had also left a church for the first time. And any of you that grew up in church or they may have attended church may have had this experience, which is a terrible one. I'm not going to lie about it. I had started going to a church when I first moved to Atlanta for college, and attended that church all through college and right up into my mid twenties.
Amena Brown:
And at the early parts of that, it was what felt like a wonderful and beautiful experience. It was a church full of so many young people, and it had so much energy. We were all wanting to be a part of this movement for God type of things.
Amena Brown:
And then things over time just got more, and more, and more unhealthy with the leadership there, to the point that it caused me and a lot of other people that were going to the church to have to leave it.
Amena Brown:
And this is all happening around the same time. I think I left the church. Within a few months, I got this new job. So I'm just kind of out of my element really. I am very much a church girl. I'm sure if you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you have gotten those vibes. I grew up in church most of my life.
Amena Brown:
So at this time in my mid twenties, this is the first time that I'm just not really attending church. I just decided to take a complete break from church because prior to that, I had been very busy in church. I mean, I was almost at church to the point that that could have been another job or another part-time job that I had in addition to my regular job. So I just took a break. It was my first time since I was 12 or 13 years old that I didn't attend church, that I wasn't in leadership at church, that I didn't have church meetings to go to. So I think I'm giving you all of this to tell you what was swirling around at the time that I actually start going to therapy.
Amena Brown:
Another thing that I realized at this moment is that I really want to start dating. And I didn't really date in high school. I think I went on one date in high school, and that was not including prom. I didn't date at all in college. So by the time I got to be 24, 25, especially when I started working this job, that was my first time being around other people who were my same age and hearing their dating stories, their dating exploits, and realizing that I was not having that experience at all. And I felt very inexperienced as far as dating was concerned. Right? So I'm like, "Okay, here I am. I'm a grown woman."
Amena Brown:
I had been going to a church that was very patriarchal, right? So it was basically like as a single woman at the church at the time, if I had decided to date someone, I needed to bring this man I was dating to my college ministry leader. And he had to approve. And then I was supposed to bring this man I was dating to another leader of the church and then to the pastor. And if they all three of these men said that it was okay for me to date this man, then I could date him.
Amena Brown:
And what that robbed me of that I didn't realize at the time is it robbed me of my own ability to discern for myself. My own ability to discern is this man a safe man to be around? Is this man someone who wants to be committed to me or even wants to be in a relationship? Like before I take you through all this whatever, what do I feel about it? What do I think about it? When I go in my own spirituality and talk to God, what am I feeling is the right thing for me to do to move forward?
Amena Brown:
So giving you all of this to say I am feeling very much fish out of water in this moment. I'm working what feels like my first grown job. I'm out of my church bubble, right? And as I'm meeting people at work and other places, I'm starting to go out and have social activities with people that I don't go to church with. And I know to some of you, this just sounds completely strange.
Amena Brown:
But I want to express to you how much of a bubble church had been for me, that church was not just the place where I was practicing my religion or being encouraged in my faith. It was also pretty much the center of my social life. Right? So at the moment that I'm leaving this church environment, I'm not just having to walk away from a place that I thought was going to be good for my faith. I'm also walking away from my social life as well. So I am just out with people I work with, out with friends I've met online, at happy hours, when I was coming from a church where we weren't even allowed to drink. Right?
Amena Brown:
So I'm starting to meet some guys and just almost feeling very stunted inside myself. Feeling like my age is 25, but my reaction to dating men is as if I'm 14 dating a boy for the first time. And I was trying. I was trying. I was going on different dates. Sometimes they were going well, most times they weren't. I was very uncomfortable, even with the thought of sitting across the table at coffee or at dinner with a man that I found attractive.
Amena Brown:
And to give you some context, I had also been raised as a child in church environments that basically sort of gave you two extremes. That you either were in my case, having a guy that was more like a brother to you, or you were getting married. It was sort of like there was no middle ground. There was no conversation about how you casually date someone. It was basically like you do these two things. And if you don't do it this way, it's dangerous, or it's sinful, or all of those types of thoughts. So I really had no middle ground, no nuance as it related to dating, but I wanted to date. And I wanted to be in a good and healthy relationship with a man. I really did.
Amena Brown:
So I would go out on dates and have crushes. And the job where I was working, there were three other women that were hired in that same position in the company. So we all four of us kind of became two peas in a pod. We felt like we were like the United Colors of Benetton. There was one other Black woman, there was a Korean woman, and then there was a white woman. There was four of us. We would hang out. None of us were married, but each of us at different stages between some of us having been in very committed dating relationships for a long time and some of us still out there casually dating.
Amena Brown:
And there was one coworker in particular of the four of us, the other Black woman. She and I, our cubicles were closest to each other. And I can't remember exactly the circumstances y'all, but I remember I'd met a guy, and we were just starting to talk on the phone. And it was just making me very nervous talking to him. And I was coming in her cube a lot to talk to her about it, and processing, and processing, and processing, and over-processing, and couldn't figure out what to do about this, what to do about that. And this is not the first dating situation she's heard me kind of try to process.
Amena Brown:
And I just remember one afternoon she looked at me and she said, "You know what? I don't really think I can help you figure this out. I think what you need is to go to therapy." And I remember sitting in her cubicle sitting across from her. I remember my face just feeling hot because I felt embarrassed. Because I couldn't tell what it was I'd said to her that made her feel like I needed to go to therapy. And I was somewhere between feeling embarrassed and insulted, and really thankful and helped.
Amena Brown:
I talked to her a little bit longer. And then I went right to my cubicle and started Googling options of therapists to find. And I looked up a couple of them.I think after work. I called a couple of the ones that I'd picked out. I remember I talked to a man, I talked to a woman. And the woman, she was an older white woman. And I don't know, I just felt the most comfortable with her. So I made my first therapy appointment with her after we talked on the phone for maybe 10 or 15 minutes. She had a very soothing voice. And I don't know, it just felt safe and right to me.
Amena Brown:
So I made an appointment with her. And one of the things that she asked for before my first appointment is she asked me to write her a letter. And in the letter, she wanted me to write what were the areas of my life where I hoped to grow during therapy.
Amena Brown:
And I remember getting home. I was in my apartment, my first apartment all by myself. Didn't have any roommates, or housemates, or anything. So I was really proud of that little apartment. I was proud of my little faux granite countertops in there. And I remember being in that apartment. And I think y'all, I think I actually, I'm trying to remember did I hand write that letter? I think I may have handwritten that letter. And I remember handwriting it and crying while I was handwriting it. Because just sitting down to think about what are areas I hope to experience healing in. What are areas that have been painful to me that I really haven't had time or the tools to process? And it just all started coming out at once. Everything about the church, about God, about my parents' divorce, about things that I was processing from my family of origin. I just wrote, and wrote, and wrote, and wrote. And then I think, this is so old school now y'all. I could have typed it up, but for some reason, I think I hand wrote it. I actually think I hand wrote it and she either asked me to send a copy to her, or I scanned it and sent the copy to her that way. Now I'm just like, "Why wouldn't you just email this?"
Amena Brown:
But anyways, I sent all that to her. And I can't even remember actually all of what we talked about in that first session. But I remember being nervous about it because it is a very weird feeling to just start talking about such intimate things with a stranger. But I made this commitment to myself to come and see her every other week. That was the schedule. And honestly, I was at what I now know was such a pivotal time in my development, because there was so much of my life that had been built around church, and around what church had told me, that I had to be as a woman, as a young woman, as a Black woman, there were a lot of layers to that. And she was helping me work through a lot of that very early on.
Amena Brown:
And when I think back on it, the idea that you would have a friend that would look at you and say, "I think you need to go to therapy." It's like depending on where you are, your first instinct could be to be defensive. To be like, "Why? Why would you say that about me? What's wrong with me?" I mean, any of you that are fans of Insecure ... and if you're not, I hope you watch it. But there is a scene between two characters, between Issa and Molly in one of the seasons where Issa is trying to convince Molly that she needs to go to therapy, and Molly doesn't take it very well at first. And when I watched that scene, I totally felt her on that. And the coworker that had this moment with me, we've lost touch outside of seeing her on Facebook every now and then. But I am so thankful that she had the courage to say that to me, because it really did change my life for the better. Because I don't know if I ever would have pushed myself to do it. But when she said it, even though I felt embarrassed, I also felt like she wasn't telling a lie. I felt like it was true.
Amena Brown:
So you may have a friend in your life that you are close to. You're watching them go through some hard things. You're watching them struggle. You're watching them maybe have some unhealthy patterns. And it can be the most loving thing to suggest to someone therapy. And it can be the most loving thing you can do for yourself to submit to the process of therapy. But it can also be hard. I think you have to prepare yourself if you are talking to a friend or a family member and you suggest to them therapy. Not everyone is going to respond with, "Thank you so much. I have always longed for someone to tell me that I have problems enough that I need to see a professional." But that's the thing, right? I think sometimes, we have this stigma about therapy like, "Well I'm 'normal,' or I'm fine. Therapy is for those people that are going through this, or those people that have this diagnosis or whatever."
Amena Brown:
And therapy is for those people, but therapy is for you too even when you may feel like your life is going pretty well overall. You may feel almost guilty like, "Why should I go to therapy and complain about my life?" Or whatever. But therapy is not about that I learned. It's really about giving yourself the space and time to heal. And sometimes honestly, we go through things or we experience things in our upbringing or in different times of our life. And they are very hard things. They're very traumatic things, but they become normal to us.
Amena Brown:
So we don't think about it like, "I may be able to go to therapy based on my relationship with this person." Or, "Maybe I should go to therapy and process this thing that happened when I was a kid," because that was just your family growing up, or that was just what happened. You don't always see yourself in the same way that someone else can see you from the outside looking in.
Amena Brown:
So it was totally a very humbling and somewhat embarrassing moment that led me to therapy. But, I'm glad that I went ahead and took that initiative and looked into it for myself.
Amena Brown:
How did I grow from therapy? I think one of the things, actually, my first therapist, I saw her every other week for a year and a half. So she walked me through a lot of life. I mean, we were obviously having to deal with a lot of things from the past because it was my first therapy session at 25 years old. And then once we had talked about a lot of sort of these pent-up things that I really hadn't had a healthy way to process before with a professional, then I was able to kind of let her in on things that were going on in my life. Men I was dating or decisions I was trying to make about my career and different things like that.
Amena Brown:
And I think one of the things that therapy helped me to do was therapy helped me to find my voice. I am a classic oldest kid. I am very much a person that can lean towards people pleasing. And going to therapy helped me to really separate myself and my desires from the expectations and feelings of other people. And that was really, really hard. I remember a lot of our sessions were about me saying to my therapist, "Well, here's the conversation I had. Or here's what they said. And I don't want to make them feel angry. I don't want to make them feel hurt. I don't want to make them feel like I don't care. So even though I don't want to do this, or even though this isn't the best thing for me, I'm going to do that because I don't want this person to feel like that."
Amena Brown:
And I remember the first time my therapist said, "But you realize that you don't make anyone feel anything, right?" She was like, "You realize that people feel their feelings and make their own choices. That you deciding to do something that's healthy for you, it's not you making someone angry, because you doing what's healthy for you doesn't meet their expectation." She was like, "It's them choosing to be angry that you holding up your healthy boundary means you're not doing what they expected of you, or what they selfishly wanted from you."
Amena Brown:
And I will tell y'all that sometimes, I've now had quite a few therapists over the years. And I'll tell you that sometimes, my initial gut response to the things my therapist says in session is super skeptical. That I basically end up being like, "Yeah girl, I hear what you're saying. But I'm not sure if you actually went to the proper school for this. I feel like maybe they didn't give you the education that you needed, because I thought you were supposed to come in here and just tell me what I want to hear, not challenge me to grow and stuff. I'm not sure that's what I signed up for here."
Amena Brown:
So I have definitely been the person that enters a therapy session, a therapist starts kicking the truth to me. And then I'll be like, "Okay girl. Well, I don't think you really understand what it's like to be me." And then by the end of the session, I'm like, "You were right, the first thing that you said. Because my feelings, they are hurt." That's totally me. Starts off super, super skeptical, super like, "you don't know." And then 30 minutes later when she's trying to tell me it's about time for us to end the session, crying my eyes out because the first thing she said was actually true.
Amena Brown:
So I feel like therapy helped me in that way, even though it's challenging, right? To hear someone saying those things to you. Therapy helped me to learn how to say no. Saying no, it still can be hard for me sometimes. But back then, it was very, very hard for me to say no. Especially if there were people that I really loved and cared about. I would rather say no to myself and say yes to them. And it's therapy that helped me begin the rhythm of learning that sometimes I need to say yes to myself. And that saying yes to myself, even if it means no to other people, is one of the healthiest things I can do.
Amena Brown:
And I was not coming into therapy with that kind of rhythm. I basically felt like I needed, especially if people are important to me or I value their thoughts or opinions, I need to really do what they say. They probably know better than me.
Amena Brown:
And I'm not saying you shouldn't have people in your life that are wise, can advise you, can give you feedback on things. But I think going to therapy is what really taught me to make sure that in the process of me gaining wisdom and advice from other people, that I'm not silencing the wisdom that's inside of me. That no one else knows me better than I know myself. And of course in my spirituality, it's like only person know me better than myself is God. There's no human being that's going to know me better than I know myself. And if I honor my own voice and my own feelings and desires, that's me being loving towards myself. That's me being kind and gentle to myself.
Amena Brown:
I'll also say one of the things that therapy helped me with is giving me the tools on what it means to have to have hard conversations. And I think because I was growing up in a home without my dad, I was growing up coming from divorced parents. I think that brought up a lot of fears of doing something that would make the people that love me leave me. I think that was a thought under there, but I didn't realize that until I was sitting there in therapy.
Amena Brown:
So I would avoid conflict. Because I would feel like if we have conflict, then the result of us having conflict will be you're going to leave. And therapy taught me it's okay to have those kinds of hard conversations with people you love. And the people who love you, the people who really want the best for you, they're going to dig in on those hard conversations with you. Because they don't want to leave. They want you to be well. They want you to have what you need and want. And they want to have what they need and want in the relationship, or friendship, or family relationship, whatever it is. Or even work relationships too.
Amena Brown:
I think therapy helped me to realize I can speak up for myself. I can assert myself. If something happens and I don't like it or if I'm in a relationship or a situation and someone is treating me in a way that I don't like, that I am empowered to say, "I don't like it. I don't want this. This doesn't feel good to me. Here's what I'd rather do instead." And it took me being in therapy to get to the point where I could do those things and not feel bad about it or not feel like I was being demanding.
Amena Brown:
I think that was my thing. It was almost like asserting my own boundaries, just healthy boundaries felt like being demanding to me. When in actuality, it wasn't being demanding at all. It was just asking for what I deserve as another human being. You know?
Amena Brown:
Since this time after I had that initial therapy session, I have gone on to have other therapists since. And I just kind of ebb and flow out of that. I go through some seasons where I'm in therapy on a much more consistent basis. I go through some seasons where I would go to therapy once a month. I go through some seasons where I didn't go to therapy at all. I've done in-person therapy, I've done online therapy. So I've had a lot of different experiences. I have had some funny ones though. And sometimes when funny things happen to me, it's like I can't tell if those things happen to me because I have that ignorant part of my brain that people who are comedians or who perform on stage have or what. But I did participate in online therapy for a while. And those of you that have been listening to this podcast know that I actually returned back to therapy into 2017, beginning of 2018. I actually talk a little bit about it in the previous episode of my 40AF story. But I also talked about this at length in my Behind the Poetry episode on Here Breathing.
Amena Brown:
And at this time, I want to talk a little bit too about therapy being expensive. I've definitely had some seasons of life where I really wanted to be in therapy, felt like I needed it. But I just couldn't afford it. And in that way, it is important to acknowledge that therapy, I will say it shouldn't be a luxury. Because we need therapists in our life the same way we need access to healthcare and being able to make sure our bodies are cared for. We need that for our mental state, our mental health as well.
Amena Brown:
But I'd gone through seasons like that where I really needed a therapist, but I couldn't afford to have one. When I first started therapy, I was working in corporate America. I was living alone. I was really making more money than I needed to live at that time. So going to therapy every other week or if I wanted to go every week, I could afford to do it at that time. And then when I quit working corporate and started doing writing and performing full time, there would be seasons I could, and then there would be seasons I couldn't afford therapy. And that's also a hard thing too. That's the thing that I hope changes. And we're seeing some ways that there are organizations and different ways that we're trying to make therapy truly accessible to all, because we can all look at our own lives and think of things that we need to talk about it. We need a professional to help us process through this.
Amena Brown:
And we all know other people that we wish they had therapy that was accessible to them to help them heal through some of their own things. But one of my funniest therapy experiences, I was doing online therapy, one of these services where you sign up. And you're able to either do phone calls or video calls with your therapist. But you can also write to them or text to them. Right?
Amena Brown:
So I had signed up for one of these, and it was a little different than the way they are now. Back then, the price point was actually saving me money. I could afford it more easily than I could have afforded just the therapy sessions one-on-one.
Amena Brown:
So I'd signed up for this. And at this point and ever since, I've been very determined that my therapist should be a Black woman, especially after having worked in all white spaces or predominantly white spaces, I've realized I need a therapist that I can talk to about how white supremacy affects me, talk to about how I'm processing being a Black woman. Having my hair, being in my body and my skin in the world. And there's just been something very healing to me to be talking about that with another Black woman who understands a lot in her own way of what it's like to walk in the world this way.
Amena Brown:
So I had my first assigned therapist that was assigned to me through this online service. And she really helped me actually. If you listen to the last episode, I was telling this story about grief. And she was really one of the first people to alert me that a lot of what I was experiencing when my mental health was not in a good place was because I had a lot of unprocessed grief. And she was the first therapist to really name that for me and help me to start thinking through that.
Amena Brown:
But the downside to her is whenever we had our sessions, she was always busy doing a little bit of something else. Like one of our sessions, someone rang the doorbell to give her a package. But I'm hearing the whole thing. So apparently of course, she's doing her sessions from home. So I'm hearing her, "Who is that at the door? Who is that? I was not expecting anybody." While I'm spilling my guts here. So I'm listening to her open the door, talk to the delivery person, sign whatever.
Amena Brown:
So I was like, "Okay, she's at home. She can't control if the package got delivered. I'm going to try to move on and try another session." So the next session that I tried y'all, I'm going to try to demonstrate for y'all what it sounded like. So I'm spilling my guts about whatever. And in the background, I want y'all to know that I hear something that sounds like this. [humming music]. I hear that in the background y'all while I'm trying to share my feelings. Okay?
Amena Brown:
So after a while, I kind of get quiet just because I don't know what's going on. And she finally says, "I'm sorry. I'm babysitting my grandson, and he normally doesn't keep this type of noise." And at that moment I was like okay, this lady seems very sweet. But she could not be my therapist. You cannot be babysitting your grandson while having therapy with me while I'm trying to tell you about all my woes and whatever's going on with me. Girl, I can't. I can't deal with this. No. So I did have some very comical times of experiencing various therapists for sure.
Amena Brown:
But one thing that I also will say that therapy has taught me over the years is it's wonderful to have just a great support system overall. You need that too. And I have to say I'm just very thankful, very blessed to have a wonderful and supportive spouse. I have a wonderful, supportive family. I have great friends in my life. My community is wonderful.
Amena Brown:
And there are times that you're going to go through something, experience something, have something resurface, that your friends, or your family, or your spouse may not have the capacity to really help you in the way that you need help. And that's what my coworker was trying to tell me. I think she was trying to say, "Girl, I can process this with you in the cubicle. We can talk it over girl, but you're reaching beyond what I have the expertise to help you with." And even though it can feel strange going to this stranger to talk to them about these really deep and personal things, it's also nice to talk to someone that doesn't have any skin in the game, right? If you're going there to talk about some stuff you're going through, you might have people in your life that love you, but they have strong opinions about what they think you ought to do about this. Or they have strong opinions about why they think you ended up in this situation.
Amena Brown:
And when you go into your therapist, especially if your therapist is healthy, and professional, and doing the things that they should do, you're going to somebody who has no skin in the game if you buy the house or not. They have no skin in the game if you break up with that person or not. They have no skin in the game if you have kids, if you don't have kids, if you get married, if you don't get married. They don't have skin in the game on that. They are there to be a sounding board for you to help you continue on in your healing process. And I learned that from being in therapy too.
Amena Brown:
What would be my tips for anyone going to therapy for the first time? So if you're listening. And maybe you've been on the fence, maybe you've talked to some other folks about their experiences going to therapy, but you've never been yourself. What would be my tips for going to therapy for the first time?
Amena Brown:
I think one of the most daunting things about going to therapy for the first time or even if you've been to therapy before and you're no longer seeing your previous therapist and you need a new therapist. I think one of the most daunting things is finding a therapist that works for you. And it can just feel like you have 1,000 options. Where do you begin? Where do you start? How do you you know? Do you just sign up and just go pay somebody? And what if you don't like them? Or what if you feel like they're not the best fit for you or whatever? So my first tip that I would say is first of all, make a commitment to yourself to find a therapist. And give yourself some patience that it may take you some time to find someone.
Amena Brown:
I remember when I was looking for a gynecologist. I know we're not talking about that on this episode, but I'm just using this as an example. I realized a couple of years ago, I really need to have ... I know some of y'all like this is basic, but I'm explaining to you how we can have these types of appointments or things that we need, and we just kind of keep pushing it back, and eventually just have to decide, "Okay, this is what I need to do now."
Amena Brown:
So I remember when I was like okay, I've been to a family practitioner doctor. I've had some surgeries, I've done this, I've done that. Certain other parts of the body have been looked at. But hey, I need a gynecologist. And there's a lot of factors of what I want to find in a gynecologist. So I just had to make it my part-time job for a week or two that I would spend a certain amount of time just looking through our insurance website to see who was in network, and then go into their websites and cross-reference with Yelp. I know, it's a lot. But this is what I do so I can be sure about it. Okay?
Amena Brown:
So when it comes to finding a therapist, I think it's okay that it may take you time to find someone that you're a good fit with. And thankfully, there are a lot more resources out there. There are lots and lots of resources. But I'm just going to name some that I know of, and that have been helpful to me. And maybe these will even give you ideas of other things that you may be able to search and find. And don't worry about remembering all of this. These links will be in the show notes on amenabrown.com/herwithamena so that you can check out all these links.
Amena Brown:
One of the places I found one of my first therapists was on the Psychology Today website. And they do have this database there where therapists and counselors can register to be listed there. You can search by their specialty. So you may be looking for a family counselor. You may be looking for a therapist for a teenager in your life. You may be looking for someone that specializes in trauma-informed therapy. You may be looking for someone that specializes in divorce, right? Or specializes in working with folks who are in the LGBTQ+ community, right? There are all sorts of different things you can search there, according to what your comfort level is, according to what you know you're looking for. So Psychology Today can be a really great resource for that.
Amena Brown:
I want to give a big, big shout out to Therapy for Black Girls. This is actually where I found my current therapist is on Therapy for Black Girls. So they do have a database. Black women if you're listening and you're looking for therapists that are really specialized in being able to give this type of care to Black women, that has been a very helpful site for me. And honestly, just scrolling through there and seeing the beautiful faces of other Black women, just even that by itself was so wonderful.
Amena Brown:
And I would also check out Therapy for Latinx. You can check out their website as well as their Instagram. They can be a great beginning place to find folks who are going to be really educated and thoughtful about giving this type of care to the Latinx community as well.
Amena Brown:
And these are just a couple of things I'm listing. I know that there are probably even more resources out there. But these are good places to start and give you some ideas of other things you can Google, right? You may find some other places that would give you information like this.
Amena Brown:
Also want to give a shout out to Open Path Collective. A friend of mine also hipped me to this. Because as I was saying earlier therapy can be cost prohibitive for some folks, I'm shouting out Open Path Collective because they do also have a database of therapists on their site who have agreed to take on a certain number of clients at a discounted rate. You may also have local places where you live that are taking clients, but are taking them at a sliding scale based on income.
Amena Brown:
So we have a lot more work to do to make therapy accessible, but there are some ways that you can get the help that you need. Even if you're at a place where money is not really a thing that you have to give to this. So it may require a little bit of searching. And if you find that you're in a space inside yourself where even the Googling, the looking is difficult for you, this could be something where if you have a close friend or family member that would be willing to sit with you maybe while you're searching, or they might be able to pull up their phone too and look for some things. It's okay to ask for help when you need it. And it's okay to ask for the kind of support that you need as well.
Amena Brown:
The other tip that I would give if it's your first time going into therapy is I would say that it's okay to do some therapists interviews. I know the first times I went to different websites of therapists and I would just get really nervous. What if I click on this and I pay this money for this session, and then I don't really gel with the therapist?
Amena Brown:
So one of the things that I did the last couple of times I was looking for a therapist is once I found them, I would go to their website. And a lot of therapists already have these types of requests on their site where you can request just an informational interview. It's not a therapy session. It's not a mini therapy session or anything like that. They're not giving you any sort of counselor therapy in this interview call that you have. It's typically free of charge. And it gives you an opportunity to ask them some questions, and gives them an opportunity to get to know you a little bit, to get to know what is bringing you to want therapy.
Amena Brown:
So that's been really helpful for me. Because normally if I walk away from that conversation feeling like, "I don't know," then that normally means that person's probably not the best fit for me. But even if you go to a therapist website and they don't have any free conversations or consultations that are normally pretty short, 15 or 30 minutes, you can also write in and request and say, "I'm in the process of looking for a therapist. I would like to schedule an informational interview with you."
Amena Brown:
And in that interview, what would typically happen is you would bring your questions that you have. Questions like maybe you want to know how they typically begin their work with new clients. Maybe you want to know what you can expect from a session. Maybe you want to know if there is certain prep that you should do before a session. Maybe you want to know what their education is, or what their background is, what they specialize in, the types of patients or types of clients that they typically see. Depending on what your needs are, you may want to know are they in the type of field where they can prescribe medication to you if you need that or not? Those are important things to differentiate as well. If you are in need of a psychologist or if you are in need of a psychiatrist, right?
Amena Brown:
So it's just about you knowing what your needs are, but there are a lot of professionals that are interested in you feeling comfortable and getting a chance to get your own questions answered rather. And also, they can get some answers from you. Get to know a little bit about you, get to know a little bit about what your expectations are, what your needs and wants might be at the moment.
Amena Brown:
So don't be afraid to do that. That's sort of a no-cost way for you to kind of get a vibe for who you might like to actually have as your therapist. And that has brought me a lot of peace of mind and helped me to decide between a couple of therapists.
Amena Brown:
Lastly, what encouragement would I want to give you regarding therapy, especially if this is your first time? Or it could be your first time in a long time. And I think therapy can be scary. I think it's scary because we are thinking about how it's going to feel to sort of drudge up some of the things that therapy may bring up. It can be scary because of the unknown factor. Here we are talking to this person that we're just now meeting about stuff that we wouldn't even talk to a lot of people that we know about.
Amena Brown:
It can be scary. And I think there is a lot of unknown in the healing process. But my biggest encouragement to you is therapy, it's one of the best things that you can do to pour back into yourself. And I want to specifically speak to those of you that are listening right now that are the people that give out to everyone else. You're the person that other people come to for advice. You're the one that drops everything to go help out this or that family member.
Amena Brown:
And when you commit to that hour or so of that therapy session, it's one way that you're communicating to yourself that I am worth giving this time to myself. I'm worth allowing myself to heal, and to process things, even if they're painful. And it can be hard to face our pain. There's nothing easy about that. There's nothing fun about that. But if facing your pain and facing the hard things that have happened to you or the hard things that you may have done in your life, whatever is that you have to face. It can be hard to face it. But on the other side of facing it, and beginning to process it, and getting the tools for how to walk through your life, you'll find that you are a healthier person on the other side of it. You'll find that your heart is more open to love and to be loved. And that love starts with you. It starts with how you love yourself. You giving that kindness to yourself. You giving the same energy that you may give to other people. You returning that energy to yourself also.
Amena Brown:
So will it be scary? Could it be hard at times going through the healing process? Absolutely. But is it worth it? It is absolutely worth it. And the tough thing, but also the important thing I think to remember is none of us as human beings are ever going to be fully done with issues to deal with. That's just a part of our humanity. We're always going to have something that we're healing from, you know?
Amena Brown:
So therapy and whatever other things you have in your life that can help you in healthy ways to process your life, to process the pain, but also to process the joy, and process the good things that happens too. I think it's important to have that space. It's good. And it can be really helpful to remember that. So that way, you're not putting pressure on yourself like you've got to complete this plan that's going to be 33 steps. And at the end of the 33 steps, you'll be done with this. There'll be some things in life you may never be done with it. But you'll find yourself incrementally growing, becoming more whole, experiencing more peace, sleeping better at night and so on. So even though there's been a lot of shame and stigma to therapy, there's been some shame and stigma attached to medication, and certain diagnoses, and all those things. I want to be a part of us removing that shame, and that you should do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. Whether it's therapy, or medication, or exploring different types of therapy. You have a lot of options. But if you're hearing me, then you're on the fence about this. I hope you feel encouraged to do what you can to take care of yourself, because we want you here. And we want you here healthy, and whole, and being kind and loving to yourself.
Amena Brown:
That's that time I went to therapy. And y'all, I'm still going. I'm still going to be going. I'm not going to be done with therapy the rest of my life. I will still be going. And if that's something you need in your life right now, I hope you will too.
Amena Brown:
For this week's edition of give her a crown, I want to shout out Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barnes. Dr. Chanequa is a clinical psychologist, public theologian, and ecumenical minister whose work focuses upon healing the legacies of racial and gender oppression. She's the author of I Bring the Voices of My People: A Womanist Vision for Racial Reconciliation and Too Heavy a Yoke: Black Women and the Burden of Strength. You should read both of these books, because they are necessary. But I want to talk a little bit about Too Heavy a Yoke.
Amena Brown:
I've talked here on this podcast about just some of the health challenges I have having been someone that was diagnosed with fibroids around 10 years ago. And I spoke in last episode, my 40AF story telling you all a little bit about what that moment of my life was like having to have a very invasive and complicated fibroid removal surgery. And I had a long recovery. And during that recovery, I read three books. I read Edna Lewis's cookbook/memoir The Taste of Country Cooking. I read Sisters Of The Yam by bell hooks, and I read Dr. Chanequa's book Too Heavy a Yoke.
Amena Brown:
And I just have a lot of feelings about Too Heavy a Yoke, because it really started a journey with me of understanding that it's not that it's bad for me to be strong as a Black woman. It's that as a Black woman, I will enter so many spaces that people expect me to be 'strong' through things and take certain things that I don't need to take. And that it's okay for me to be also weak sometimes. It's okay for me to not have the answers. It's okay for me to make sure that I'm not doing other people's work for them. Whether that's their emotional work, their vocational work, their work as it relates to racism and white supremacy.
Amena Brown:
Too Heavy a Yoke really got me to a place of really reevaluating my life. And after reading that book, I made a lot of different choices. I said no to a lot of people and a lot of things in an effort to remind myself that being a Black woman doesn't mean I need to be some sort of superhero. It means I need to be human, and beautiful, and flawed, and that I want to be healthy. And that I want to be here living as long as I can be, but it will be detrimental to my health if I feel like I have to be strong for everybody.
Amena Brown:
So if you're a Black woman listening, this is a book you need in your library, Too Heavy a Yoke. And if you are working with Black women, you are serving or walking alongside Black women in any capacity, I really, really recommend this book because it is very wonderful and very important.
Amena Brown:
I want to thank you, Dr. Chanequa for caping for Black women the way you do. For reminding us that we can be healthy and whole, that we deserve healing, rest, love, and restoration. Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barnes. Give her a crown.
Amena Brown:
That time I met India.Arie. That time I went on a really bad date. That time I was directed by Robert Townsend. That time I got mono on Thanksgiving. That time I went on a really bad Christmas tour. That time I ...
Amena Brown:
HER With Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.