Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 134

Amena Brown:

I almost don't know how to start this episode. I'm not going to lie about it, but I have an announcement, and my announcement is that this episode you are listening to is the last episode of HER With Amena Brown. I know y'all. I know at least two of y'all were like, "Oh." I know. I'm feeling that way too. I wanted to have my last episode to be one where I could talk specifically to you as the listeners, and then some of you were like, "Hey, wait, I just got here."

So I wanted to give a little review of how this podcast came to be, what I feel like the podcast has taught me, how I feel I've changed, and what's next for me and what I hope is next for you. So this podcast originally started in 2018, and it's very interesting to think about the full circle moment of this podcast coming to a close, because I remember that the end of 2017, which I think I've talked about here on the podcast, but the end of 2017 and 2018 was probably one of the roughest times in my life outside of the last year and a half of my life, truthfully. But at that time, it just felt like everything was falling apart.

I had my book come out in November of 2017. My team, that I thought was going to help me do my book tour and figure out all of that, walked away about a week and a half after my book came out. So I didn't have a manager, I didn't have a booking agent, I didn't have any gigs for my book tour that was supposed to happen the following year. Then I got this opportunity to potentially be on the radio here in Atlanta. I was being considered to join a morning show here, and it fell through in the worst way.

If I can be honest with y'all, the initial person that reached out to me, I knew him. We had met before, and so he had reached out to me like, "Oh, I think he'd be such a great fit for this, but I need to sit you down with the host of this morning show." And so I met him and the host of the morning show at this coffee shop, and the host talked to me for a few minutes and asked me a couple of questions about myself, wanted to know what I thought I would bring to the radio show.

After I answered, the host kind of turned back to the person that was my original contact, and they just went on having a conversation almost as if I wasn't there. They just ignored me the rest of the meeting. It was very devastating, and it was during a time that a lot of other disappointing things had already happened. So I just remember really being very sad and full of grief during that time, and I had put a lot of my hopes in that radio show opportunity because I thought, "If this radio show opportunity comes through, then that'll prove to me I'll be okay. That'll prove to me that I'm not forgotten in this moment. This isn't the end for me." Or all those things. When the radio thing fell through too, it was just one disappointment too many. So I entered into probably what was one of the worst depressions of my life at that point, just to where I was so depressed that I'm not really functioning during the day or able to get out of bed and things like that. It was very, very hard.

At some point in my depressed stupor, I started to think about radio because I have always dreamed, since I was a little girl, of having my own radio show, which is why it was so personal to me that I was potentially getting this opportunity. It was interesting because once I had some time to myself, I started to think, "Why am I waiting for them to give me an opportunity on a radio show when podcasting is right there? I can have my own radio thing." And by this time, I had started podcasting because my sister-in-law, and I had our podcast together at that time, which was called Here For the Donuts. That was my first foray into podcasting. When my book came out, How To Fix A Broken Record, it had its own limited series podcast that, I think, it just had 10 or 12 episodes to it.

I was considering what I wanted to do, like a solo podcast, and I just started letting myself dream it up a little bit. My initial idea for what would be my solo podcast was, I wanted it to feel like a late-night show, but in the middle of the day or in the morning, I wanted it to have segments, and I wanted it to be the Amena Brown Show. But I got nervous about that because I felt like that would take a lot more ingenuity. I would have to really think through all these segments, and I didn't want my feeling like I needed to have all these ideas together to keep me from just starting, because I feel like there's something about having a show that you just have to start. You have to start, you have to try, you have to see what it's going to be.

So anyway, I had that in my mind. Then the other thing that I had in my mind is, at this time of 2018, I was still working in a white evangelical space. I, over the past couple of years before that, had really built a lot of community with women of color who were also working in a lot of these predominantly white, Christian conservative spaces. Some of it was just predominantly white Christian spaces, even if they weren't conservative, but most of it was. The main thing that a lot of the women of color were talking about when we got in the room, and it was just us, is, we were talking about equal pay, and how could we make sure that we were getting paid fairly and appropriately at our speaking gigs? How could we make sure that a white man wasn't coming in there and getting paid $20,000, but when they book a woman of color, they book all of us for a panel and pay us 200 bucks? So that was a part of the conversation.

Publishing was a part of the conversation because, in that part of the Christian conservative industry, books were really the end all, be all, almost. It was like, if you wrote a book, that's how you could get more speaking gigs. That's how you could seem official or legitimate to the people who might book you for their big churches or whatever. For a while, it was even a struggle for women of color to just even get book deals. But by the time you got to 2016, 2017, there were more women of color starting to get book deals. But then, can they get literary agents? Can they have someone to help them negotiate a good book deal? And even if they get the book deal, do they actually have the support of the publisher? Does the publisher even know other platforms outside of white folks to help promote these books to? Do they even know how to promote these books to other women of color or other communities of color?

So I was having lots of conversations with women of color around this, and I started to think to myself, "The quicker idea that I know I could do tomorrow is, I could interview women of color on my podcast." And there was a lot about white evangelicalism as an industry that was unethical and inequitable. So there was a lot about that, that I wasn't going to be able to change the way that system was set up. But if I had a platform of my own to offer that to women of color, when their books came out, when they had initiatives they wanted to promote, that I had a place where they could come and share.

So that was the original impetus behind HER With Amena Brown. The podcast actually had a different name that I won't say. It had a different name that I had been holding onto for years for another project I wanted to do. When I went to look up that name in the podcast app, these two other women had posted five episodes and then abandoned it, and I was like, "Oh." I don't know. I just felt like, now, I want to just use something else. So I said, "If I use HER then it's clear that this is a podcast that centers women, and there's only going to be one HER With Amena Brown." I just couldn't imagine there'd be another podcast with that, with my name. So I started the podcast in the spring of 2018, not far from my birthday, and the original premise of the podcast was that it was all interview-based, and I interviewed women of color based on a theme. I think my first season's theme was Body. Then I had another season that was Lost & Found, which was really interesting to dive into.

I can't even remember what my third season was now, but I had three seasons, and I'm trying to think. I remember when I did Body, I tried to approach the theme with a poet's lens. So I think I interviewed a personal trainer. I interviewed an Anowa Adjah about how to train the body, but then I interviewed my friend Deidra Riggs about the Body of a Paragraph, and then with Lost & Found, that that was just very poignant to me because I got a chance to really think about interviewing a woman of color who could share stories of getting lost, of losing a job, could be finding yourself or finding a new role. So I got to work around with themes like that.

So we did the first two seasons, and then, so this was 2018. Then I went into 2019, and I did season three then. I cannot even tell y'all what season three's theme was now. I did season three in 2019, and then when it got to be... I think maybe we ended up doing season three closer to the end of 2019 because of the way some other scheduling things had gone for me. Then we were planning for season four. The season four theme was going to be Taste, which I was so excited about because y'all know I love to talk about food, and I was looking forward to seeing how many women of color in the food industry can I interview. We were just getting ready to start approaching that when the pandemic tipped.

So we were on hold and trying to figure out what, and I think I had reached out already to a couple of... I think I had reached out to one photographer. Shout out to Phyllis Iller, also known as Melissa Alexander. So I went ahead and interviewed her while we were in the lockdown period, interviewed her via Zoom, and then my friend Kaitlin Curtice, who I have had here on the podcast many times, she had a book that was coming out in the spring of 2020. So she and I... I was supposed to host her live event, which didn't happen. We couldn't meet in person. So I hosted her and interviewed her on Instagram, and then I told her if it was okay with her, I could record the audio and release that as an episode.

Now here's what's interesting. When I think back on the journey of the podcast, I'll say one of the questions I wanted to cover here is like, "What do I feel like I've learned in the process of doing this podcast?" And I think I learned pretty quickly in that first season that I wasn't trying to have a Christian podcast. Of course, I can look back on my last five years of life or so, five or six years, really, and see that the writing was on the wall with me about where I wanted my career to be headed, where my spirituality was headed, that I wanted my spirituality to be broader than being evangelical or being conservative in that regard.

So I started to feel a little nervous, like, "What if I want queer folks on my podcast? I don't want that to seem strange to my audience. I want it to make sense to my audience that anyone who is a woman of color is welcome here on this podcast." So I realized I was going to have to be really clear about the tone of what I was doing to make sure that it was clear that this wasn't a podcast that was for Christians or to produce any sort of Christian content or anything like that, and I hoped that the people that were following me or following along that were Christians might still want to, but that it would be clear that this is a podcast that I hope you listen to, whether you're a Christian or not, whether you were raised in church or not.

So that meant I had to interview people a little bit differently to not assume that everyone listening understands Christian jargon or understands certain terms that, if you grew up in the church, that you may say, making sure to explain some of those things. Then that generally started to make me think, of course, a lot of the women of color I featured at first were women of color that I had met being in church environments, but then realizing I wanted to broaden the scope of who I was interviewing, and my experiment was working for me in the sense that I realized I really enjoyed what I was doing. I enjoyed interviewing women of color. I enjoyed the conversations that we were having, and I wanted to do this more.

So February of 2020 comes, and I had the opportunity because of Together Live, which is a tour that Jennifer Walsh and Glennon Doyle put together many years ago. But what ended up being the last tour of Together Live happened in 2019, and Jennifer Walsh, Glennon Doyle, and Abby Wambach invited me to be a part of that tour. Then the few of us who were a part of the Together Live tour were also invited to attend MAKERS, which is a global women's summit that typically always happens in LA. I was very excited to attend. I had heard such good things about MAKERS, and so we were doing a Together Live segment there.

Together Live as a tour, one of the partners or sponsors for the tour was P&G. So I had met some of the folks that work with P&G and I just decided in the green room while we were at MAKERS, I was like, "I'm going to ask one of them if they have information about how P&G, could possibly become a sponsor for my podcast." And so I asked one of the women there that I had been working with, and she was like, "Oh, I don't help with that." But she was like, "Oh, I do know somebody that's starting a network, and I think you should talk to her and see if that would work."

So the woman who's over the Seneca Women Podcast Network was there at MAKERS. And so the woman from P&G introduced me to her, and we stood outside and talked together for 20 minutes. I shared with her the vision of this podcast, and she was like, "Hey, I'm starting this network. Maybe this will be a good way we can partner together." And so then I had to rush off to the airport and she had to rush off to a meeting. I got home, and I think I had a couple more gigs, and then a few weeks later, we were all home because of COVID.

So I thought at that point, "Wow, really cool that we had that conversation. But that's it. That's all. There's nothing that's ever going to come of that." And the woman who started Seneca Women Podcast Network did a few months later follow up with me and say, "Hey, yeah, the podcast network's still happening. Are you still interested in bringing your podcast over to this network?" And I said I was still interested, and we went through all the particulars of everything, and she was like, "The only thing is we'll need to change your podcast from seasonal over to a weekly." So I was going to go from 20 to 24 episodes a year to 40 some episodes a year, which was a pretty big change, but I was open to it, and it was very helpful for me not having the road as much because everything was so shut down.

So in September of 2020, is when this podcast relaunched to be a weekly, which meant I was still centered on interviewing women of color and wanting to share their stories, but I also had more episodes to fill. So I tried out some segments and stuff at first, and then I just got caught up, honestly, in the rigor of producing a weekly podcast. It was a lot of work. So then I started doing solo episodes, which I had never thought about before the podcast relaunched and became a weekly. So I started doing solo episodes like these and figured out that I liked them, and the listeners were responding to some of them. It took me back to some things that I love about the stage, which is storytelling and getting a chance to pick these stories out and tell them. So it was very great because I had a space where I could tell stories.

It was also hard because I was sort of telling stories when you're doing podcast things, like you're telling the story, "I'm here talking to y'all in a room with a mic. You're wherever you are listening, but I can't see you. I can't hear your responses, your reactions. I can't hear anything." And as a stage person, that's very hard because I'm used to being on stage and not even just what people assume is the ego gratification of just having a room full of people to clap for you. It's not just that. You're getting a chance to have a conversation with the audience. You can say something and know if the audience thinks it's funny or not, and know if the audience identifies with what you're saying or not. You can feel all of that in the room. So it was hard to go from that to recording this. Sometimes people listen to a podcast episode and love it. They just don't tell you. So every now and then, when somebody would put a review out there or send me a DM, I would be so excited to get it. I would be so happy.

What have I learned since starting this podcast? I guess I should say the rest is history. This podcast relaunched in September of 2020, which means at this point, this podcast has been around for almost five and a half years. Oh my gosh, that just sounds wild. What have I learned since starting this podcast? I feel like one thing I learned is, my main rule for choosing people to interview is, do I feel curious about them, like when I read their bio, when I go to their Instagram, do I want to know more about them? And if I don't feel that way, then I don't need to interview them because it will make for a bad interview. It's like I have to come into it curious about you wanting to know more about who you are or how you do what you do, and I think that makes an interview really warm. I feel like I learned that.

I feel like I learned how to, I don't know if I want to say, be more honest, but I feel like because I was doing this podcast weekly for the last three years of it, I feel like in a way, this podcast gave me a space to say and express certain things and process through certain things and talk about certain things with guests and talk about certain things with y'all on a solo episode that I probably would never have thought to share. So I think, in a way, there were some things that I was processing in life that this podcast gave me an opportunity to find my voice and figure out how to say those things. So I feel like I learned that.

I feel like I also learned that I love podcasting, but I am primarily, and with priority, a writer and a stage person. So I realized as time was going on, eventually I'm going to want to write books again, go back on the road again, and have to figure out how will I navigate that while having a weekly podcast. I learned that you need a team to do this. So big shout out to my assistant and my friend Leigh, who has been with me since the very beginning of HER With Amena Brown, the podcast. A big shout-out to my husband, who became the producer of this podcast.

Really, Leigh and my husband have been with me from the beginning of this idea germinating. So I can't do this thing by myself. The reason why it goes well is because of the team that I have with me. Shout out to my manager, Celeste, who was there, and my, attorney Michelle, who was there to help with the negotiations that we needed to do when it was time to negotiate this podcast deal. So I learned I needed a team, and because I had a team, that's what made things go so well.

How have I changed? Oh, are we wanting to be in my therapy sessions? I think in the five years that I've had this podcast, I have grown more and more comfortable in my skin. I have become less preoccupied with being who I think other people think I should be. I completely let go of remaining in white evangelical space and all the ways that I would've had to continue to make myself small to stay over there. I discovered that I am way more progressive than I could say I was 10 years ago, theologically and politically, in a lot of ways. My politics have changed. My theology has changed since starting this podcast. My self-care practices are better since I started this podcast. So I feel like this podcast sort of entered my life at a time where a lot of things were in flux, and so I feel like I have grown, broadened, and evolved a lot in the five years that I've been here talking to y'all.

The other question is, "What's next for me?" And I think I will say it's emotional talking to y'all, and I guess before I go into what's next for me, I just wanted to say a really, really big thank you. I said I was not going to cry on a podcast, but I just want to say a big thank you to all of you who have been listening to this however long you have. I know some of you are OG people. You were listening to this podcast when I was still doing seasonal stuff.

Some of you just got here, maybe. Bless your heart if you just got here. There's still some old episodes you can go back and listen to. There's a lot of great stuff here. But however you came to this and however long you were here listening, it has meant the world to me to be able to share my stories with you, to every guest that I've had here that trusted me to interview you, trusted me to share with me about what was happening in your life or in your work. But I want to take a very specific moment and thank all of you as the listeners. This podcast would not be without you, and I appreciate you listening and I appreciate your support.

This is a bittersweet moment. This podcast is ending a bit before it was my plan for it to end, but I wanted us to have a moment where we could actually have a way to commemorate all that has happened here. So I'll just thank you for listening to me at your job. Some of you, I know, were listening to me when you were staying with your families during the holidays, just trying to stay in the right frame of mind there. Some of you listen to this podcast on your commute or as you're walking or taking a jog or whatever exercise you like, and just know it has really, really meant the world to me to know that even though I'm in this room by myself, that you're there on the other side actually listening to all of this.

So yeah, what's next for me? I want to say, there's a little bit of creative rest that I think is next for me. I think that it will be good for me to have some time off to see what other creative stuff wants to come out now. I am transitioning over to the Substack platform, so I'm looking forward to exploring that, and the link to my Substack will be in the show notes for this episode as well as in the description.

So if you are interested in following along with me next to see what's happening, if you enjoyed my solo episodes here, Substack will be a little bit like that, but in writing form and maybe some other forms too, we'll see what we develop over there. But I would love for you to join me there, to go ahead and subscribe there at that link. I think the biggest thing that's next for me is returning to writing and returning to stage, and figuring out what is my voice now. What does it want to say, and what do I want to do with that? What is my new poetry set going to sound like? What is my next book going to sound like? And giving myself an opportunity to explore all of that.

When I was talking on the phone to Leigh and we were talking about me recording this last episode, there have been two meetings that Leigh and I have had. This is now the second creative project that she and I have been talking through, where she said, "What if at the end you did a benediction?" And Leigh is not a religious person, and I'm not as religious as I used to be. So I knew when she said benediction, she really meant it. She knows that that could be a bit of a trigger word to both of us, but in the true spirit of what benediction can be, I knew what she meant. That a benediction can have this way where you can say parting words to one another and what you hope for people as they leave you or as you leave them.

So here's my off the cuff benediction. I think I first want to speak to the women of color that are listening to this. You know that I know what it's like to be in spaces that don't welcome you, to be in spaces that want you to assimilate, that want you to be silent, be quiet, that want you to present in whatever the safe way is to them. For some of you, those spaces are at work. For some of you, those spaces are in your family. For some of you, those spaces are unfortunately even, maybe, in your social sphere. But my hope for you is that you will find spaces where you can open your mouth wide and laugh, where you can be loud or be quiet as you need to, where you are respected and honored, where you are given all of the space, honor, and care that you deserve.

I want to say to you, as women of color, that your voice is important, that your voice matters. You do not have to share your story with anyone. That it's not your job to dig underneath your suffering and share it with anyone, and that you are a multitude of things, that you are allowed to be a multitude of things. That being who you are, whether you are black or indigenous or Latinae or Asian, whether you are queer or trans or gay or bi, whether you're southern, whether you're a city, whether you prefer a rural space, whether you live here in America or whether you don't, that you're worthy, that you deserve wonderful things, that you deserve to experience joy. I want that for you.

I want to also speak to the people who grew up in church like me, some of you that may have encountered me from a church setting. I want you to know that it is okay to evolve, that it's okay and good for your beliefs and your thoughts on your spirituality to shift. If there is any message that I have received very strongly the last two years of my life, it's that wandering does not have to be a bad thing. If you are in a place that feels like wilderness, that feels unsure, that feels uncertain, that does not have to be a bad thing. That you are where you are, and that that's all we can do sometimes is be present to exactly where we are and where life has us at this moment.

I want to speak to the people who feel like you're hanging on by a thread, to the people who feel like you are underwater in your life and you are having a lot fewer moments where you feel like your head is getting above water to get air and to breathe. I want to say to you that it won't be that way always. I want to say to you, when you get your head up above that water to breathe in as deep as you can, to find some people that you can lean on to remember that you are worthy of help, that you deserve to have people that are around you where you do not have to feel like you are alone. Even the times you feel alone as humans, we're not alone. Even the times we feel so lonely that we feel like the thing that we're going through, no one must know it. There is somebody somewhere that does know it. I wanted to say to you, even if I'm here in whatever you're experiencing, I may not know it individually myself, but I hold space with you.

I hope for you as this year is ending and as a new year is beginning. I hope that you can do as I'm trying to do in this episode, even though I'm crying all over it. I hope that you can honor your endings when they come, whether it's a relationship, a job, or a thing you used to believe, a way you used to look, or a piece of clothing you have that may no longer be the right thing for you anymore. I hope that you can honor your endings when they come, and I hope that you can embrace your beginnings too.

Anyway, I love y'all, and I appreciate y'all so much. Y'all have been the best audience that HER With Amena Brown could have, and I hope we'll get a chance to see each other soon. Find me on Substack if you're not already following me on social media. I'm mainly an Instagram girl, so you know I'll be there, and hopefully I'll see y'all soon. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for listening.

HER With Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeart Radio. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 133

Amena Brown:

Y'all know what time it is. I really do not even need to say what this episode is about because I hope if you have been listening to HER with Amena Brown, you know that it's time to talk best television of 2023 and that there's only one guest. Is she even a guest still? Is it just now we are at the podcast living room point where Kelundra would just be like, "Girl, I'll be there," and just open up the door and just get snacks. Please welcome again, playwright, theater critic, journalist, Kelundra Smith.

Kelundra Smith:

Yay. I'm so happy to be here. This is one of my favorite things every year.

Amena Brown:

You know what I realized? You and my friend Kaitlin, like most guests, y'all have been the guest the most times of this whole podcast. Just y'all too, multiple times. Because I think you've been here three times, I think she's been here three times now. You might be four. I can't really remember off the top of my head right now. We at three or four right now, Kelundra, so thank you.

Kelundra Smith:

I think it's four, Amena, and it's an honor. I would come back every time. You know I adore you, so yes.

Amena Brown:

We have us a good time. So this is what we're going to do, Kelundra and I are going to talk as long as we can humanly possible, and then whatever we cannot fit into this episode is going to go on a bonus episode for all my Patreon people. Okay. Kelundra, first of all, I want to give a little context to this year of television because this has been a wild time. This has been a wild time. We had a writer strike that lasted five months of the year. SAG-AFTRA, still striking right now, still has not ascertained the deal that they deserve. So we hold space for knowing all of the artists that we know that have been affected by this, and that affects some of what we're talking about as far as how television unfolded this year was very unique.

I mean, you and I first started doing this when we were in that first year of the pandemic almost, where we were like, "Now we all need our TV because we home now," and this year, to me, in a certain way took me back to that, but in a different way that we were sort of watching how important television is, how important that storytelling is, and we want writers and actors to be paid fairly. So what are your thoughts in thinking about the year closing that we finally see the writers of WGA get the deal that they were fighting for and still waiting for the actors? How has that been for you in the world where you are as a writer?

Kelundra Smith:

I'll say this: Several things come to mind. One is I 100% share that sentiment holding so much space for the people who have completely had their lives upended by these strikes, because the thing about being a working artist for so many people is that the instability makes it to where you are so often living from paycheck to paycheck. So very, very few people can afford to go five-plus months without a paycheck, and one of the things that has been on my heart is that there are artists who are leaving the industry all together because it's like, "I can't afford the financial havoc and chaos that these negotiations and things cause on my life when they happen," because the writers got their deal, but that deal only stands for three years and then we'll be right back here. And the SAG-AFTRA strike at this point is still going on, and then IATSE has their negotiations next year, and IATSE is crew, not just for television and film, but also Broadway. So IATSE don't get what they want-

Amena Brown:

Everything going to be going dark. Some things is going dark, period.

Kelundra Smith:

It's time to go back to the symphony. You will have ballet and orchestras. Which then brings me back to something that has been also an interesting development of these strikes, which is that theaters have in some ways benefited because talent that had gone to television and film because it was more lucrative, have returned back to the theater because the Actor's Equity, Dramatist Guild and all of those negotiations happened during the pandemic and right before. So they're able to work in theater. So there are some names that you're able to see doing productions all across the country that you would not have seen prior to. You're also seeing small independent film festivals benefit from talent, not being able to go and do the major motion picture promotion things.

For the few productions that can get that special permission rate waiver from SAG-AFTRA or for people who have worked on short films, you're seeing more of that. So for example, in Rome, Georgia, they have an international film festival every year, and Ethan Hawke decided to premiere one of his films there because he can't necessarily take it to a Cannes or to a Tribeca, but it can go to Rome, Georgia. it's one of those things where there's a leveling of the playing field that's happening in some ways, but also there's... This is all necessary to me because I'm all passionate about working people getting what they deserve, and so that's the topic of my play, The Wash. Yeah, that's what I got to say about that.

Amena Brown:

Okay. Speaking of Kelundra's play, The Wash, can you catch the listeners up? In the last year, you have had a lot of wonderful professional development things that have happened. Can you catch us up on how are the plays out here doing? How is the journalism out here? Catch us up on what's been happening with you.

Kelundra Smith:

This has been a really beautiful year. It's so crazy. So I will tell you something, Amena and listeners. I went to New Orleans in February to... It was partially to do some research for a work trip and part of it was just because... You know how you feel spiritually like you need to go somewhere? So I always say for some reason, Louisiana and Mississippi, the land memory in those places is very, very strong for me. So whenever I set foot in those places, very emotional for some reason. And mind you, I'm a daughter of Georgia, so I don't understand what it is about Louisiana and Mississippi, but it's instant tears. I don't know why. Anyway. I'm in this bookstore called Baldwin & Co. Books. If you are in New Orleans, check them out. Black-owned bookstore. So I'm in Baldwin & Company, and then I had gone to this shop that was... I love to walk when I explore cities. And so I had walked all the way to this shop that was near the French Quarter, and I am forgetting the name of the shop, but this woman read my face when I went into the shop and she said, "I see airplanes flying all around your head."

Amena Brown:

Oh, Kelundra!

Kelundra Smith:

Yeah, that's what she said. And I have literally been on a plane at least twice a month since.

Amena Brown:

Wow. That gave me chills, Kelundra. Wow.

Kelundra Smith:

And she told me it wasn't going to stop for a while. So I was just like, "All right, I'm ready. God grow me into who I need to be." So I have had a beautiful year, the highlights being that my play, The Wash, which is inspired by the Atlanta washerwoman's strike of 1881, is going to have its world premiere in Atlanta, co-produced by Synchronicity Theater and Impact Theater. It'll run for four weeks at Synchronicity Theater, and then it'll run for another three at Impact Theater. So Atlanta, I need y'all to show up. Go out, get your tickets, buy it up, run it up, as the children say.

Amena Brown:

Run it up, as the kids say. Please, no cap. I think I said that right. Anyway. Yes.

Kelundra Smith:

Bring the whole family, your auntie, grandma, all them, make it something. This is a play. It's funny, it's dramatic, it's heartwarming. You're going to fall in love with the Women of the Wash inspired by the Atlanta washerwomen's strike of 1881. Set in 1881, but it's going to feel super contemporary given all the things happening with labor around the country right now, and you're going to laugh. This is the thing that surprises everybody. I've written a comedy about a labor strike because I'm not writing ahead, and so you are going to laugh.

Amena Brown:

I love that. I love this, Kelundra.

Kelundra Smith:

So that's been a lovely development. And then the other thing is that I have now had a chance to step into a role as the managing editor at American Theater Magazine, which is something, thank you, that I was never expecting or looking at. Honestly, I had given up the idea of working as a journalist full-time at somebody's publication probably six years ago, to be honest. I was just like, "Yeah, that's not going to happen. Let it go," and then one day I saw a job posted on Facebook and I was just like, "Well, let me just see." And all of a sudden they were like, "We want you," and I was just like, "Oh, snap." So it's been a wild ride and super fun so far to be there, and I'm looking forward to all of the things that we get to do.

So look for American Theater Magazine. You can check us out online. Also, we are quarterly in print. I will say American Theater is a magazine where the print and the online are not exactly the same, so you're going to get some content in print that you don't get online, and you're going to get some content online that you don't get in print. So it's worth it to have both. So those have been two career highlights, so to speak. And then the last thing I'll say is just that I feel like this has been the year of surrender, and surrender as a recovering perfectionist, as we have talked about in past episodes. Everybody raise your right hand. Hi, my name is Kelundra, I'm a recovering perfectionist.

Amena Brown:

Hi, Kelundra. Yes, yes.

Kelundra Smith:

So as a recovering perfectionist, surrender actually feels like whatever your least favorite bodily sensation is, but when you get into the habit of it, it's so much better. And what I have found this year is I'm getting better. I ain't got there yet, y'all, but I'm getting so much better and I find myself sometimes going in the extreme opposite direction where I'm just like, "You know what? I don't even care. I'm done." Walk away from everything I'm about to be like Roy Wood Jr. did to the Daily Show.

Amena Brown:

Period. Period. He was like, "Oh, I see y'all playing in my face, so I'm out of here."

Kelundra Smith:

I'm out of here. They were playing in his face. Clearly the fan favorite, the one who ran up the ratings, all of that. He was the pick and they were like, "We still got people to talk to," and Roy was like, "All right, that's fine. I believe in me," and I understand that feeling wholeheartedly.

Amena Brown:

I feel that, Kelundra. I feel that. Well, first of all, I am just very excited about all of these developments. I'm excited about the world premiere of your play, Kelundra. What a big deal. It's a big deal to finish a play to finish writing one, not to mention now getting a chance to see this in full production on stage. I'm so, so happy for you. This position with this magazine, Kelundra, everything. It's like if y'all could see me on what is still Twitter to me, I don't care what that man say. If y'all could see me on Twitter in Kelundra's comments like, "Yes, Kelundra. Yes. You deserve. I know that's right." That's like the energy that I feel every time these announcements come.

And I appreciate the realness of what you said, that you can see sort of someone's story from a distance. You're not there to see all the things happening behind the scenes and that the successes we experience in life often come to us from those places of surrender that you described, and I appreciate you sharing that side too, that those things are connected in this way. Sometimes we want them to be and sometimes we don't, but they be connected.

Kelundra Smith:

Listen. Listen. God be like, "Are you going to let go, or are you going to fight for your position?" And I'd just be like, "I'm trying to let go."

Amena Brown:

I'd be like, "What's the definition of let go? What do you mean when you say let go? Can I get a clarity? Is there an Urban Dictionary's version?"

Kelundra Smith:

I need the instruction. I literally prayed one day, I was like, "God, I know you want me to surrender, but you know I don't know how, so I'm going to need you to come with an instruction manual on how that works, because I feel like I'm surrendering, but clearly I'm not."

Amena Brown:

I would like some steps. I would like some steps.

Kelundra Smith:

I need some steps, which is such a perfectionist thing to me.

Amena Brown:

It is definitely that because I've definitely like, "If it's 33 steps, just tell me all 33. I need them now," but surrender really be like you get two steps and that's it, and then you have to wait there until you get the third one. That'd be the hard part for me. If it's 33 steps, then just say it now. I can map out my plans, I can decide what I'm doing here, but instead you going to give me step one and step two and then be like, "Wait there," and that's not my shit. That's not my shit.

Kelundra Smith:

You got to do big faith. It ain't little faith, it's big faith.

Amena Brown:

I'm like, "This is not me. This is not what I want." So yes, thank you, Kelundra. I'm going to make sure we share the links to all of this so that people can support, and I want to be in the place to be myself to see your play on stage like this. I can't wait. I'm so excited.

Kelundra Smith:

Yes. Look for us June and July 2024.

Amena Brown:

Oh, yes. I'm ready. Let me mark my calendar. Let me get an outfit. Let me get an outfit because I'm going to be trying to take Kelundra picture so that way later on I can use it as my throwback Thursday when people are like, "Oh my gosh. She has a picture with Kelundra Smith." I'll be like, "Yes, this is me and Kelundra back in the day. Hey. Well, you could get her on a podcast for free. Oh my God." Oh my God. Now yesterday's price. I understand, Kelundra. Yesterday's price. It's not the same.

Kelundra Smith:

For you, yesterday's price is today's price. Now, for everybody else.

Amena Brown:

You going to pay tomorrow's price today. That's everybody else. That's the thing. Mm-hmm. Well, y'all, Kelundra and I are here to discuss our best TV of 2023, and I really hate to begin on the down note, but I need to start with best shows we're really going to miss. Last year this time you and I were mourning the loss of the Desus and Mero Show and it still has left a void here with me. What are some of the best shows that we found out this year that are not going to come back? What are some shows that you were like, "Man, I'm going to miss that one."?

Kelundra Smith:

So we knew the end was coming for The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, but for those of us who grew up on Gilmore Girls, we have to also understand the Amy Sherman-Palladino and Dan Palladino is only going to give you a show every decade. So we were really savoring The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, because we know next show, 2030. You know what I mean? So that's one of those things where it was like this final season of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel was really, really... I love that they left it with an untidy ending because that is so Midge and that is so that show, but I also appreciate that they did tie up some other stuff for us. And they played with form a bit by they flashed us forward in time.

For those who have or have not seen it, they flash us forward in time a bit, and then I was like, "Is this the Joan and Melissa Rivers unauthorized story? What's happening here?" I love that show. For those who've never watched it, it starts in the late 1950s. Basically a housewife finds out her husband is cheating on her with his secretary. She, in a fit of rage, goes down to the village, gets on stage at a rundown comedy club, does a set and then becomes a standup comedian and gets a divorce.

Amena Brown:

And that's a feat generally, but especially in the late 1950s. I mean, that's a big feat.

Kelundra Smith:

And this show is so funny. It's so funny. If you are someone who used to The Nanny back in the day, then that kind of quick writing that you get from Gilmore Girls mixed with some sensibilities from The Nanny, it is going to hit all your access points. But we're saying goodbye to Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and I'm going to miss it. Next one I have to say is... And we somewhat recently found out this information. I don't know why, I was all up into the Wonder Years reboot.

Amena Brown:

Okay, the same. The same.

Kelundra Smith:

I was like, "What do you mean it's not coming back?"

Amena Brown:

Why would you cancel it? I wanted to see him make it to high school, the baby boy. I wanted to see him make it to high school. I don't know. It's a lot of sadness around that because I think we've had an era of some much needed feel good shows and between Abbott Elementary and the Wonder Years reboot, I really enjoyed seeing this cast Black during this era, in the South during this era, but it was filled with so much joy and whimsy and the curiosity of this little boy and all of his foibles and mistakes. I'm going to miss that one, Kelundra. Yeah, that one hurt my heart. I was mad about it.

Kelundra Smith:

I'm going to miss it, and I also am thinking to myself about Grand Crew.

Amena Brown:

Okay, I'm glad you brought that up because that is the show that I was really big... When I tell you I've been in my house, Grand Crew, Grand Crew, Grand crew. It had the fantastic theme song. Me and Matt really clang-clang now after watching that show. That shit was so great, Kelundra, how dare they take it away from us? I'm not over it still.

Kelundra Smith:

It was so witty. The thing about Grand Crew is that it was so witty, because first of all, the fact that they had a wine metaphor for the names of the episodes and then the play on words. Grand Crew, it was television for people who get the joke, and that's the thing that I appreciated about it. And I love, again, that it was happy lighthearted Black TV, and I am sad that we will no longer have the Grand Crew.

Amena Brown:

Oh, that show was so good. That hurt my feelings. I think in a way it was a show about something, but it had some episodes where it was able to be a show about nothing sometimes, and I think it really brings me a lot of joy when Black casts and shows that were created by Black creators get to have that, get to just be like, "We're going to have a show about this character's little quirks," and the whole show is just about that. I just was like, "Yes." Some of it was nonsensical, some of the plots and the things that the characters were doing, and I just loved every minute of it. So big shout out to Grand Crew. I love that show. I missed that one.

I do have to bring Succession into the chat. It's a different goodbye. It's a different goodbye because that one was not canceled and stolen away from us, but I love a good organized crime situation. So when there's organized corporate crime, I'm like, "Oh, yes. Sign me up for that. This is my type of thing please," And this very dysfunctional, fictional Fox News family. Wow. What a time this television show was. I really got mad. I was watching it and when it got to Succession going to be in it's final season, I was like, "Okay, now this is a couple show." So now you got to start with me from the beginning, and we watched all the way til we got to the end. Woo. Succession. I love the hell out of that show. It was such a mess. It was such a really rich white corporate mess, and you know I love mess, Kelundra, generally. You know I do. But something about rich white corporate mess. Succession. RIP. Enjoyed you. Enjoyed you.

Kelundra Smith:

I never watched Succession. I know, y'all. Don't get me. Don't get me. I'm the only person who never watched it, but it's on my list. It is on my list.

Amena Brown:

You let me know.

Kelundra Smith:

Well, because during these strikes, it's actually on during the strike list of watches, but I got caught up in all the Power spinoffs.

Amena Brown:

There was a lot of Power spinoffs. Now, Power done turned into a universe on us. I was like, "Damn, every time I turn around, we going to a prequel, it's a postquel, it's somebody's child. What we doing here? Oh my God." It's so much Power to watch. It do take up your time, so I understand that, Kelundra.

Kelundra Smith:

It's taken all of my time. I am like... You know what it has done truly, Amena, is that it has made me be 100000% fully convinced that I am one of the only people not selling drugs. That is what Power has made me believe. I'm like, "Everybody's doing it. They're all..." Whenever I see a van, I'm like, "Drugs." Or tiny home. Drugs in tiny home.

Amena Brown:

Also, anytime I see a business that seems like it doesn't make sense for it to not be busy in that location, money laundering. They're probably using that to wash their drug money.

Kelundra Smith:

Yes, every laundromat, nail salon, daycare centers. Because of Power, I'm like, "Ooh, they running money."

Amena Brown:

That's how they're washing their money. I literally have what is supposed to be a co-working space not far from my neighborhood. I draw by that hole all different times of the day, Kelundra. Don't never see nobody there. It got a website. Don't ever see nobody there. Why would it be there except to wash people drug money. Why?

Kelundra Smith:

It's washing drugs. They're totally washing drug money.

Amena Brown:

That's all I can think because I'm like, "Y'all got a website, but where are the workers? You got a co-working space. I don't see no workers. It's a fashion show with no fashions?" It's dreadful. It's dreadful.

Kelundra Smith:

But workers only work between midnight and 4:00 AM.

Amena Brown:

The workers is working the corner. Big facts. Big facts. Okay, let's talk about the TV app that kept us watching this year. I believe we need to discuss Amazon Prime at this time, and Amazon Prime, I be forgetting about it sometimes, Kelundra, because Netflix be real urgent. I really get in my Love is Blind and then I'm like, "Ooh, I got to make sure I'm watching that on Friday," and then Hulu be urgent because that's where your weekly shows is at. So sometimes Amazon Prime be on the corner of God's back. You know what I'm saying? It'd be like somewhere else. But then when I get up in there, I'm like, "Oh, no. It's some good stuff in here." So do you have some Amazon Prime favorites that were your things for this year?

Kelundra Smith:

So let me tell you, Amazon Prime, if we're giving out awards, this is the end of the school year award ceremony, Amazon Prime gets most improved programming for a streaming platform. Give it up to Amazon Prime because Amazon Prime was truly giving Walmart of the internet. Amazon Prime would have content on it that was produced for $2.50 and then it would have content on it that was produced for $250 million, and it was just like, "What's the strategy here, Amazon? I'm confused." It's clear that tech people and not artists are running this because the range of what I'm getting is just so wild. I remember there used to be this show on Prime that was about these Black people who were expatriates, who they moved from Carmel, Indiana to Thailand, and it was self-produced, written and directed all by one person, and it was just like, "Why do I have this and the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel on the same platform?" This is foolish. But this year, Amazon has really given us some fantastic shows. I have to give a shout-out to I'm a Virgo-

Amena Brown:

I need to speak about it. I need to speak about it. We got to talk about it, Kelundra, because shout out to Boots Riley for being weird in the best way because I enjoyed Sorry to Bother You as well. I enjoyed this, and so then when it was like, oh, we about to get into I'm a Virgo, I was like, "Okay." But at first I was like, "Oh, I want to really watch that," when I read the description. Then when I got to Amazon Prime and looked at the little cover graphic and looked at their description, I was like, "Wait. Am I prepared for what I'm about to see? What is about to happen to me here?" I'm a Virgo was one of the most weird and delicious movies that I have seen.

Kelundra Smith:

Weird and delicious is such a perfect way to describe it.

Amena Brown:

What were your thoughts when you really got into the plot of that? How were your feelings regarding this?

Kelundra Smith:

I feel like I'm a Virgo sent me on a whole emotional experience because at first it's like... Okay. First of all, I love Boots Riley, literally love Boots Riley. Then we get into it and it's like, okay, these people got this giant baby who they keep in a shed in the back. What's happening here? Then he leaves the house and they're spinning out cars in the middle of the street and also eating fast food because all he wants to do is go get this fast food. But then when the girl falls in love with him, you're like, "She weird too." It was so many things. But then when the metaphor started to come together of I'm a Virgo is really, truly about the fear around Black men, especially young Black men in society. The metaphor clicks round about episode three, I would say, but for the first two, you're going to be along for the ride because you are like, "What is this?" And why is Mike Epps now just occupying the role of everybody's crazy daddy?

Amena Brown:

Everybody's daddy. Wow.

Kelundra Smith:

Crazy daddy.

Amena Brown:

Also, not me not knowing that Denzel Washington had a daughter until I looked into the credits of I'm a Virgo and was not the love interest being a child of Denzel Washington. I didn't even know. Baby girl managed to just live her Black woman ass life. She really had a if you know, you know life until this movie, I didn't know anything about her.

Kelundra Smith:

I had no idea until you just said it. I'm like, "Wow." I mean, we knew Denzel and Pauletta had more than one child, but I never actually investigated into the lives of those children. I did not.

Amena Brown:

She must have had her a nice just out of the limelight life, because I looked on, I was like, "Oh, okay." Even seeing a Black woman in a movie and last name Washington still didn't click Denzel to me, but the scenes in the show were so interesting that I find myself Googling things. Then they were like, Denzel Washington's daughter, and I said, "Excuse me. Excuse me. Denzel Washington's daughter out here being a wonderfully Black woman, weird-ass character, weird-ass love interest with a giant?"

Kelundra Smith:

With a giant. And we won't even get into the graphic nature of it all, but it's-

Amena Brown:

Might have to do a bonus episode about that, Kelundra, because I do have some thoughts. Okay, continue. Continue.

Kelundra Smith:

Well, the thing that I love about that show too is that connecting, since you've said it, that that's Denzel's daughter. Now I'm just like, "Okay, so Denzel and Pauletta Washington's kids turned out like the kids of artists." They're just a little off and I love it.

Amena Brown:

I do love that. I love that from them. I was in very much supportive of that. Other things that you loved on Amazon Prime? We already talked about Mrs. Maisel. What else are some jewels that were there this year?

Kelundra Smith:

Okay, underappreciated gem, post-apocalyptic comedy-ish set in a Catholic all-girls boarding school in Australia where they have come back for their 10-year reunion and then the apocalypse hits. Is called Class of '07. If you have not seen this foolishness, just binge-watch it. It is worth your time. I don't even understand who wrote this or why. I don't know why in 2023 you would want to set a TV show in 2017, because it's not that long ago, but that's the choice they made and that choice sets you up for the utter and complete foolishness that unfolds during this TV show.

Amena Brown:

What? I got to add this to my list because I missed this. I missed this, so I'm glad you told me about that.

Kelundra Smith:

Also, more utter and complete foolishness, who let them give us Jury Duty?

Amena Brown:

Boy, I'm like two or three episodes in and I'm like, "What am I looking at?" This is like candid camera in the reverse. What's happening? What's happening? Everybody's acting, but this one person... Is that the premise? I'm still watching and I'm like, "Do I know what I'm looking at? Am I understanding?" So is the premise of Jury Duty that there's a person who thinks they're really going to jury duty, but they are in fact surrounded by all actors? Is that the premise? Am I understanding it right, Kelundra?

Kelundra Smith:

I cannot confirm nor deny because getting to the end is part of the journey of that show.

Amena Brown:

Okay, so I got to keep watching.

Kelundra Smith:

You can't stop. Once you watch one episode of Jury Duty, you got to watch the whole season.

Amena Brown:

Okay. I'm glad you told me this because I was really like... I'm not exactly sure what's happening and isn't there one of the producers has a show that's on Max that's also kind of strange like this? Oh, I can't remember his name now, but I tried to watch his show on Max and it's kind of awkward like this. So I'm like, "Oh my God." But I'm glad you told me, stay through to the end.

Kelundra Smith:

You got to stay through to the end.

Amena Brown:

Stay the course. Stay the course for Jury Duty. Okay.

Kelundra Smith:

You're going to scream several times. Just know you're in for a ride.

Amena Brown:

Okay, I'm going to come back. I'm going to come back and check that out. I want to speak about Shiny Happy People.

Kelundra Smith:

You know we love a conspiracy series.

Amena Brown:

This is the documentary surrounding the Duggar family, but it's also giving us some context regarding Fundamentalist Evangelicalism, regarding why that became a popular thing on television. The fact that they called that documentary Shiny Happy People really took me clean out of here. Took me clean out of here.

Kelundra Smith:

I have to be honest with you and say that I didn't know what to expect from that docuseries, but when I got into it, I couldn't stop and it blew my mind. You want to talk about mess? There's so much mess that you find out about in Shiny Happy People, and it's amazing how the machine, the political... It's like the religious machine got into the lobbying political machine and used the media to advance an agenda and it's happening, and the thing is, the Duggars being off the air has not changed what's happening. It's still happening.

The way that this family was used to create propaganda around the kind of traditional roles of women and men in society and what God wants from people and to get people to get married and reproduce and reproduce and reproduce, all to preserve an idea of eugenics is just so... My mind was blown. Then the fact that the whistleblower of the family had to be the sister who was being sexually abused by her brothers. I was like, "Stop." Then not only are... Then they doubled down and we knew about the Ashley Madison case. We knew about the Ashley Madison Case because Ashley Madison back in the day was getting everybody hemmed up, but the fact that there was just so much deviance going on and that friends and neighbors knew, and they were just like, "God will fix it." Huh? Or you could call 9-1-1. You know what I mean?

Amena Brown:

Okay, and report it. I don't know what we mean. Also, I watched the early, probably first couple of seasons of the Duggar Show and I can't remember if I'd had a friend who recommended it to me. I also was probably in a much more evangelical place obviously than I am at this time of life, and the one person I wanted to see in the series was the cousin. I cannot remember her name off the top of my head right now, but she would come and visit there.

She was on there, but she would come and visit there in the TV show, and I always thought it was interesting that she is clearly not growing up the same as her cousins, but her parents, and her aunt and uncle, I guess, were allowing her to hang out with the Duggar Children. They were all allowed to grow up together. You know what I'm talking about? I can't remember her name right now, but I always thought it was very curious of why is it not seen that she is someone who would be corrupting in this? So when her and her husband popped up on the docuseries, I was like, "Oh, I know the tea coming out right now. Your cousin is on here. I know she was at your house almost every day."

Kelundra Smith:

Well, and then we learned too in the series, now it's jogging my memory, she stopped messing with them after a while. She put some distance, and I honestly think that husband was like, "Nah, your family crazy."

Amena Brown:

He was like, "We don't need to go over there no more. I don't care if it's Christmas, Thanksgiving. I don't care what those people are doing. We don't need to be over there, period. No, no."

Kelundra Smith:

It was wild. I was like, "This is absolutely insane."

Amena Brown:

I was like, "They really got the tea out here. Really got the tea." The daughters is on here, the cousin on here, somebody's sister, one of the Duggar parents' sisters on here. The people came out and said, "Sorry, it's not family over everything. I'm about to tell it. I'm about to tell it. I'm about to tell what happened, period." That was a very interesting one.

Kelundra Smith:

Neighbors was on there. The former best friends were on there. I was like, "Dang." I said, "They about to put y'all stuff out there like the Murdaugh people." I mean, the Murdaughs weren't on Prime, but we got to get to the Murdaughs because that fool...

Amena Brown:

This is actually a good transition into best docuseries because as Kelundra coined on here, we love us a Scamumentory, and I do want us to speak further about some other documentaries. So let's get into the Murdaughs because I lightly get into true crime. If it started getting into murder... I like an organized drug front. I like some corporate greed as a part of a Scamumentory. When it get into true crime where it's like people is getting murdered, sometimes I be scared like this is about to make me have nightmares, but so many things were coming up about the Murdaughs that what got me to watching was the Netflix docuseries because I really didn't watch it the first time, but then when they were kind of similar to that one that you and I talked about last year, that was about the woman who had the really big hair and she had the church in Tennessee.

Kelundra Smith:

Way Down.

Amena Brown:

Uh-huh. And then they were like, "But we going to come back and have another installment episodes," and I was like, "How many could this be?" And this happened with the Murdaughs because they had the initial series, which I didn't watch, and then they were like, "Aha, we have more updates," and I was like, "No, no. If you had time to come back and do more episodes, that seems like my type of mess." So I just went ahead and watched the whole thing. What the hell was going on over there?

Kelundra Smith:

Listen, these people wreaked havoc in this small South Carolina town, and then they didn't just keep it confined to their town, they proceeded to basically wreak havoc across the state of South Carolina. How on earth are you so dysfunctional that you create mess that an entire state has to clean up? For people who did not watch or have not understood about the Murdaughs, basically there was this family in this rural South Carolina town who had gotten to the place where they were managing partners in the law firm in town and were greasing the hands of every single judge throughout the state of South Carolina, and then all of a sudden it gets Shakespearean and everybody around them just starts dying. And so then what happens is that the wrong pretty girl got killed in a boating accident, and the proverbial you-know-what hit the fan, and everybody right now is just dead or in prison. That's all you need to know. Everybody's dead or in prison.

Amena Brown:

That's it. And the journey of how you find out that that's the results was a very, very fascinating journey. I was a little nervous. I did watch it during the daytime because I don't want to be scared at night. But it was very interesting, sort of the power structure, those power dynamics. I mean, especially being people from the South, the southern dynamics of what is allowed to be said in public of what is family business and what is not considered to be family business. The dynamics of the girls and women in these situations as well, and where they did or did not have agency. And people still really running rampant out here still. Some people is in prison and some people not. It's just like why are you not also in jail? What?

Kelundra Smith:

First of all, let me just... If anybody's listening, they got a problem with it, see Kelundra, not Amena. Somebody going to have to prove to me that that housekeeper ain't... She's withholding. She knows more than she said that she did. She is withholding, somebody lying. It's really no telling what the body count is for this family. Then you got to get the Lifetime movie supplement because Lifetime is like, "We're not a docuseries. We going to make a movie about what's true and what's rumor," and so it's a two-part movie. You know your family is messy when you get a two-part Lifetime movie period. There's four hours worth of Murdaugh content.

Amena Brown:

And this is not 2300 Jackson Street. You know what I'm saying? You expect to have a two-part film about a family that has nine family members, two of which became two of the biggest rock stars in the world. You had a four-hour film about murder, about your family being connected to murder.

Kelundra Smith:

Right. They had Titanic, Murdaugh.

Amena Brown:

Dog, please. I also really want to speak about the Secrets of Hillsong. I don't know if you participated in watching this docuseries, but I told you-

Kelundra Smith:

I started, but I didn't finish. But go.

Amena Brown:

I told you that I enjoy watching white people mess in these types of situations, but because I worked in white conservative church, these documentaries about white conservative church mess, it really hit me different because I was in greeting rooms with some of those people. I was at conferences with some of those people. So I had already watched the... There was two versions about this Hillsong story. Discovery App had one that sort of centered the woman who... And for those of you are familiar, Hillsong is/was a church in New York City that was very celebrity-adjacent. So there were a lot of athletes and entertainers who were very connected to this church, which gave the church and the pastor who was Carl Lentz at that time, gave the church and the pastor notoriety.

So originally while Carl Lentz and his family were in hiding away from the media, Discovery App, did a series where they interviewed the woman who had a relationship with Carl while he was married. When they do the thing... Let me tell you a moment I live for in a documentary, when they sit the chair out and they have the person walk in. I live for that, Kelundra, because you're like, "Oh, shit."

Kelundra Smith:

It's going to be a Stormy Daniels appearance.

Amena Brown:

I'm like, "Damn, they let you walk out here like this?" Because you're like, "Now I know I'm going to get the tea. I'm just not going to get people pontificating about the tea or hypothesizing about the tea. I'm about to get the tea." So I had already watched that one, but then when Hulu was like, "We indeed have Carl Lentz and his wife sitting down in the chair," I was like, "Yes, indeed I will watch this. I want to see the tea," and I was always very curious. Generally in white conservative evangelical space, there's a lot of story around what happens when a white man in leadership has a fall from grace, and typically it's not a very far fall because there is always some structure to sort of help him come back as leadership coach, come back as business owner, come back as whatever that is.

So I was very interested to see what's going to be the comeback for this person and to see him and his wife really... They really gave up some tea about this organization that they had felt they had to be loyal to all these years. Wow. I really enjoyed the tea about that. I will say there were some moments that I was like, "Oh, I see everything's not different." There were a few moments where I'm hearing that answer and thinking, "Yikes. No, thank you." But I enjoyed every minute of that tea. I enjoy rich people mess. I enjoy white, rich people mess. I enjoy white Christian rich people mess, and that's really...

Kelundra Smith:

The latter is truly the trifecta of mess that makes it great. Carl Lentz though is interesting, because you remember, on a little network, there was a show called Preachers of LA, and he was on that show and that was messy, and on that show, when he was on that show, he was like the preacher who everybody was saying was kind of the sane one, but the streets were talking back then about Hillsong and what was going on there, and then... Okay, you have permission to edit this out, but the streets is also talking about the affiliation between Maverick City Music and Hillsong and I'm so exhausted.

Amena Brown:

It'd be a lot, ma'am. It'd be a lot. Because the thing that I also wanted to speak to about this in relation to your comment too is having worked in white evangelicalism as an industry, as a Black woman, and now no longer working in that industry, there is a lot of gaslighting going around over there where you are there like, "Something is not right over here. Something is not feeling like it's right," and everybody is giving you the God gone fix it sort of vibe, and then when you finally come out and breathe regular air and realize, "No, I was not off from what I was discerning here, I was discerning correctly that things were not right," then they take a documentary to be like, "Ah! Yeah, that's okay. That's the part. That's the part." So I feel like there will be more. There will be more exposes related to this industry, and I do have an air popper for my popcorn specifically for these situations.

Kelundra Smith:

There is always a Black or Brown woman who was the nurse, administrative assistant, accountant who will spill the tea, and so until she gets on camera, we haven't heard.

Amena Brown:

That part. That's the thing, that was the part about the Hillsong documentary that I was like, "Yeah," once I saw those couple of Black women, I was like, "Yes, yes. Tell us." It's very similar to the Lululemon... Not Lululemon. Is that the one?

Kelundra Smith:

Yeah, Lululemon. Lauren from Lululemon blew it up over there with... What's the show that we recently watched too? The Murdaughs. That's what did them in. It was Miss Shelly who was the [inaudible 00:49:24]. Miss Shelly had a brother who worked for the police department and her brother called her and said, "Don't get caught up."

Amena Brown:

He said, "This ain't what you want. This ain't what you want, honey." Okay, wait, it's not Lululemon. What is the name of those people, child? But it's similar to Lululemon. Oh my God. It's going to bother me.

Kelundra Smith:

But there was a Black woman who blew up Lululemon.

Amena Brown:

Did?

Kelundra Smith:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

Oh my God. I love Black women be blowing things up. Okay. Also, can you talk to me about the documentary about Pamela Anderson that was on Netflix? I'm not sure if you watched this.

Kelundra Smith:

I did not, because I like to leave Pamela Anderson back on that TV show she used to be on.

Amena Brown:

Baywatch?

Kelundra Smith:

No, not that one. The one after that.

Amena Brown:

Oh, I don't remember that one.

Kelundra Smith:

It was a TV show Pamela Anderson was on, I'm going to find the name of it, where it was her and a group of women who I feel like they used to fight crime or something. And I feel like this show was on the back corner of USA back in the day. You know what I mean? So I left Pammy, as they called her.

Amena Brown:

You wanted to leave her there.

Kelundra Smith:

I left her there, but What did we learn from the Pamela Anderson-

Amena Brown:

Well, I'm going to tell you the reason why I got involved is because of Hulu's series surrounding the sex tape of her and Tommy, and that was the first time... This series to me is included in other recounting of big moments that happened in the '90s when they did the American Crime on the OJ trial, when they did the series that was centered around Monica Lewinsky's experiences. These series, I feel like the Hulu more dramatized version of the Pamela and Tommy actually gave you more view into what it was like to be Pamela having gone through that. It was like at the time it was happening, the Me Too movement hadn't happened. We were still in an era where it was like, "Well, she decided to have sex on camera, air quotes, she deserved it," was still sort of the era. Tommy's getting all this masculine accolades and she's being made out to be like she's a terrible woman, but when they did the Hulu dramatized version, they actually sort of gave us more of the lens of her story and how that actually impacted her.

That really made me see her more through the light of today, that if that had happened today, there would've been more sympathy for her than there was then, which had me like, "What does a woman do after the way that shit hit the fan? What happens?" So I have to say that documentary made me... I think one of the things on it that was really wild is basically hearing Pamela say that Tommy is still her soulmate, that no matter who she's married or who she has dated since that man, she really feel like their relationships don't work because it's not him, even though she know when they get together, it ain't nothing but a hurricane and it's bad for both of them. That was some shit.

Kelundra Smith:

I mean, that's mature. I mean, I guess that's a mature perspective. I love you, but I got to love you from a distance. The TV show was called VIP, by the way.

Amena Brown:

Okay, thank you, because I was like, "Baywatch," but she had VIP too. So let me find out. But it endeared me. I felt endeared to Pamela and it made me want for her to win on her own terms. She got a follow out of me.

Kelundra Smith:

What does the winning look like for her at this point? Because I feel like she's one of those people who got stuck. She didn't Kim Kardashian her sex tape. She got stuck at that place in some ways.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, I think she definitely got a follow out of me after that documentary. That's how much it emotionally impacted me that I was like, "Let me follow her on Instagram." So it's sort of like you're seeing her slowly come out of her shell with some events that she's attending, some beginning partnerships with brands kind of thing. So I think she may still be figuring that out, but it was nice to see that. It was like, I want a win for you, whatever that looks like for you, Pamela. I want you to have that. Also, to close out our docuseries, I want to talk about Telemarketers on Max, and this is unfortunately a not best docuseries. They got me though. They got me, Kelundra. They got me. This documentary is... I don't know how to describe to you that it's very bad. The perspective is bad. I really feel like I want someone else to produce a documentary about telemarketing as an industry, about its underbelly.

This was like two homies who met in a telemarketing job that happened to be corrupt, and partly it's about them trying to reconnect with each other and partly about them trying to understand what they were selling, and it went very slowly and it went very badly, but so bad that I watched it until the end. So that is really our not best docuseries of 2023 is Telemarketers. Okay. I want to move on to a very specific reality TV moment. I need to speak to you about Real Housewives of New York, the reboot.

Kelundra Smith:

Do we have to?

Amena Brown:

Do you hate it, Kelundra? Do you hate it? Do you hate it? This is what I need to know. Do you hate it or have you not even felt compelled to watch? Discuss.

Kelundra Smith:

But diversity doesn't go the way you want it to.

Amena Brown:

They tried.

Kelundra Smith:

Is that how you make the case for DEI?

Amena Brown:

Okay, for those of you who are unfamiliar, who are not Housewives Heads, okay, so our last season of Real Housewives, prior to this reboot, Real Housewives of New York was getting static that it's in one of the most diverse cities in America, but the cast itself was not diverse. They added Eboni Williams, am I lying? I think this is her name.

Kelundra Smith:

Ebony Williams, who being a terrorist out here in these streets.

Amena Brown:

Very. Added her, and she maybe as a lawyer, maybe as a professorial type, I don't know, she felt like she needed to take these white ladies through a workshop on race, and inevitably what happened is racism jumped out. It was like all the racism was jumping out of some of them cast members to the point that that season did not have a reunion because so much racisms had jumped out during her Shabbat Shalom meals that she was trying to have to help these white women learn how to exist in current America, that they could not allow them to have a reunion and say more racist things, to the point that I guess they were just like, "Scrap this whole thing. Let's get us a whole new cast." They be younger, they be more diverse, and I'm going to tell you, Kelundra, I'm voting for these girls. This stuff on Real Housewives of New York, the reboot, this is some rich, white petty shit. Yes. These girls are fighting over cheese. Yes. That is the rich type of shit you watch Real Housewives for. Had a whole fight over cheese.

Kelundra Smith:

Beverly Hill season one. They're giving Beverly Hills season one vibes. It's very much Lisa Taylor, what was Kelsey Grammer... Camille Grammer. Kyle, Kim. It's giving that energy, but 20 years younger.

Amena Brown:

Yes. Very, very. I was like, these girls are really having a fight. Erin is about to cry that these girls would not receive her caviar. She's really about to be in tears that these girls would not receive her caviar. I enjoy this type of petty thing. I'm rooting for these girls. I'm silently whispering, "Is Atlanta ready to reboot?" Because...

Kelundra Smith:

We're ready. And also what I will say, the thing about all of these Housewives franchises though, usually... The redeeming quality of New York, even when it got crazy or boring, is that at least they can dress. Now, the mess is pretentious, but it's also like new money. You know what I mean? The ink is still drying on those bills and the wardrobe is chaotic. It's chaotic.

Amena Brown:

Really, the wardrobe is giving a couple of characters from Selling Sunset. There's a couple of really specific characters from Selling Sunset that I'm like, "Do you have to show houses wearing this? I mean, do the shoulder pads have to be that much at an angle? I don't think we need couture of this level to sell a house." So some people were trying. There were some feathers involved. There were some feathers involved.

Kelundra Smith:

There's literally every material involved and that's part of the problem. They were like, "We going to have feathers, beads too, and satin. Boom." It was just like, "Oh."

Amena Brown:

I was like, "Oh, we trying-trying. Okay, I got it."

Kelundra Smith:

Trying-trying.

Amena Brown:

Trying-trying. Okay. My last category that I want to discuss is best new show, and I want to start with your thoughts about, I think this is on Max, Young Love, which has been all over my everything. Everybody is talking, I have not watched, but I want you to tell us what are... I want you to tell us, first of all, generally what are the vibes? What do you love about it? And also, I want you to really convince me that I should watch an animated show because there is something in my mind sometimes that be like, "It's animated. It's not for me." So please tell us everything.

Kelundra Smith:

Can I sidebar though real quick before we talk about new shows? Speaking of things related to the Real Housewives of New York, but also that were new this year that we didn't get a chance to touch on was Deconstructing Karen, which if you're unfamiliar with Deconstructing Karen, it was basically what Eboni K. Williams was trying to do on the Real Housewives of New York where basically this Indian woman and this Black woman would have these dinners with these white women trying to make them better people, and then they went on Dr. Phil and it all fell apart. Anyway. So new show, Young Love on Max. I still have to stop calling it HBO Max, much like they keep saying it's X and not Twitter, and I'm like, "It's Twitter." Okay, so let me tell you, Matthew Cherry, who got the Academy Award for the short film, Hair Love. Yes, he now has an animated series on HBO about... It's like Ghetto Karma's world, but stay with me.

Basically, it's a little girl named Zuri who her mama does hair and her daddy makes beats and they live in one of her grandparents' apartments on the south side of Chicago, and she is all about creativity and the environment and experiments, and she's a free spirit and she's only nine, and then her mama recently had cancer and daddy is just trying to make it, but he's a real musician who's trying to do... He's giving you Mos Def. He's giving you Common, but he's got to make beats for the Lil Yachtys of the world, but he is trying not to sell his soul. And then his homegirl, voiced by Tamar Braxton, is like, "But you need to get this money though." And I say all of this to say, who knew we needed a hood cartoon about adult issues for children.

Amena Brown:

Wow. I think it's the four children for me. It's the four children with the question mark for me that tells me everything I needed to know. Thank you.

Kelundra Smith:

I don't know, I think it's supposed to be a family show. Yeah, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Issa Rae voices the mom, her mama is voiced by Loretta Devine. I mean, it's top tier. They held nothing back. Young Love is worth it to watch. I don't know who it's for, but it's for everybody.

Amena Brown:

I really like that as an endorsement: I don't know who it's for, but it is for everybody. Okay, can you talk about Wellmania, because you mentioned this and I don't know anything about this show, so I really need you to tell because I saw this and really went to my little queue like, "Why is this not in my queue?" Tell us about Wellmania. Why is it one of the best new shows?

Kelundra Smith:

So let me tell you about how I enjoy a dysfunctional white girl is ruining her life movie, docuseries, really anything in that category, and so Wellmania... But let me tell you where Wellmania does it better because Wellmania has heart and it shows you yourself in a lot of ways because what Wellmania is it's a show about this woman who is a food journalist who is burning the candle at both ends, and she goes home for her brother's wedding in Australia. She's living in New York, but she goes home to Australia for her brother's wedding and she ends up collapsing and basically she can't get medical clearance to be able to fly to leave the country to go back to New York, and she's trying to audition for a role as a judge on a new TV show. It would basically be like she would be auditioning for the Food Network.

So we see her basically fighting and doing everything possible not to have to take care of herself. She's trying to master wellness so that she can get the medical clearance to get on the plane to get back and all the hijinks, hilarity and foolishness that ensues is also coupled with the fact that she has to address unresolved childhood traumas and other things like that. And they left us on such a cliffhanger in the last episode. I'm not going to give anything away. Everything I've said is not giving anything away, you just got to watch it unfold, but they left us on such a cliffhanger. If Netflix does not renew Wellmania for at least one more season, we must riot because what they not going to do is leave us where they left us. It's unacceptable. It's unacceptable.

Amena Brown:

I support this as a reason. I do. I'm glad you told me about this so I can add this to my queue. I have enjoyed Survival of the Thickest on Netflix as a new show. I mean, I'm already like, "Whatever Michelle Buteau doing, yes, I don't care." She got a shoe line? Yes. It's a lot of wigs. I don't even wear a wig, yes. Whatever Michelle Buteau say she doing, sure, yes, interested. This television show, it just was so heartwarming and somehow about boundaries and inclusion and loving oneself and hilarious, and her and the best friend... All the other characters that were supporting characters were also very interesting. Had a wonderfully interesting lives. Okay, with the olive oil everywhere.

Kelundra Smith:

Tell me why the roommate's hair was laid. I don't know what Black person in the hair department was doing that white girl's hair, but it was fabulous. Her hair was laying every scene, but she was weird as all get out.

Amena Brown:

She was so strange. I was like, "She's the perfect foil in this situation." I loved that. There were just a few moments of that show that I specifically wanted small video clips of, like when Michelle Buteau said, "I'm going to mind my business and water my plants," I was like, "Yes, let's do that." Then she had sexual encounter, one of many, with this man who had this New York accent that sounded like he could have been the extra member of Wu-Tang and some things go on that ruined the sexual moment, and when she stepped out of the bathroom and said, "I'm tired and my titties are heavy," and he said, "Let me be your titty assistant," I was like, "You know what, Michelle Buteau? Yes." Survival of the Thickest really gave me some things.

Listen, me and Kelundra don't even have time to tell y'all everything. We just going to leave y'all with this and then me and Kelundra are going to talk about some other reality TV things as a bonus episode. So if you are on my Patreon, the bonus episode will be there for you to listen to. Kelundra, you are the absolute best. Thank you so much for being here and talking TV with me. It's always great. I feel like really, even if I wasn't doing this on the podcast, I would still be trying to beg you to come on my IG or something and be like, "Let's just go on Live so we could talk publicly."

Kelundra Smith:

Yes, this is so fun because... It's fun because I love the range of TV that we both watch. We will run the board.

Amena Brown:

It's true, and you always say things that I'm like, "Oh, I hadn't thought about watching that," or if we both watch, you always have a different perspective on it that I'm always like, "I could see why Kelundra said that." So thank you again for this, Kelundra. We hope we gave y'all some recommendations so that y'all can get your TV watching together while we hope that they're going to pay the actors fairly so that whatever TV is in the pipeline can get made. That is our next hopes is that the people that's supposed to be getting paid to make TV can get paid the appropriate, fairly, the rates that they deserve. That's what we want. So thank you so much, Kelundra. You're the best.

Kelundra Smith:

Thank you. You're the best.

Amena Brown:

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 132

Amena Brown:

Ooh, y'all. I'm so excited. I'm excited to be here for two reasons. Number one, this is the first episode of HER With Amena Brown recorded in front of a live audience. So, audience, let's give it up.

Also, I am interviewing a legend today. I'm excited to welcome Emmy award-winning journalist, host of NPR WABE Radio Show A Closer Look, the Rose Scott is here. So Rose, I have a lot of things I'm trying to ask you. First of all, you are usually the interviewer?

Rose Scott:

That is true.

Amena Brown:

You have interviewed politicians-

Rose Scott:

True.

Amena Brown:

... activists-

Rose Scott:

True.

Amena Brown:

... entertainers-

Rose Scott:

True.

Amena Brown:

... athletes.

Rose Scott:

True.

Amena Brown:

What are you looking for when you're looking for a guest to come on your show and be in the interviewee spot?

Rose Scott:

To be authentic, to tell the truth, even if that truth is, "That ain't none of your business, Rose." Which some have politely said, "I'm not telling you that." And that's okay. I tell people, "You don't have to answer any question. It'll be a short interview." Folks, to be authentic and be compelling and understand that I'm not, usually when my producers, when we have a segment, we're not trying to embarrass anybody. We're not trying to put anybody on blast. We do want to have a conversation. I might ask some difficult or tough questions, because that's my job.

But I always tell people, "Was I fair? You could not like a question, but was I fair?" My father used to say that to me. He would say, "Now, you don't like the fact that I'm asking you why are you coming home at one o'clock when your curfew is 10?" No, I ain't like it. But was it a fair question? Absolutely. That's kind of the approach that we take. We're not looking to embarrass anybody, or I'm not looking to create an emotion. I'm looking to have a conversation, and that might entail some very difficult and tough questions, but they will be fair.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, I like that. What is it like to be interviewed?

Rose Scott:

I hate this shit. And I'm so glad it's a podcast, because I was told I could cuss.

Amena Brown:

Yes, yes.

Rose Scott:

I don't get to cuss on radio. It's like, public radio you're not supposed to cuss. No, it's interesting, because I'm not used to it, but I take the same advice. I want to be authentic. I want to tell the truth. If it's something I don't want y'all to know, I ain't going to tell you. It's the same application for me. I'm no different. It's a little, I'm kind of shy about being interviewed.

Amena Brown:

Really?

Rose Scott:

Yeah, believe it or not.

Amena Brown:

I can kind of see that, because it's different when you're in the seat of someone asking you the questions. Yeah, I can see that.

Rose Scott:

I'm like, "What's she going to ask me now? She going to ask me who I'm dating?"

Amena Brown:

I feel like that would be like a HER after dark. We'll have to-

Rose Scott:

Definitely would be.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Rose Scott:

Way after, way after dark. Some margaritas.

Amena Brown:

I want to ask you about the importance of journalism. We're in an era right now where we are dealing with a lot of not facts, a lot of things that are put out there that are actually not truth, but are put out there as the truth. Journalism has always been important, but in this moment, in this era of history, why is journalism so important for us in this moment?

Rose Scott:

Because we've been battling probably the last, I'll be fair, I was going to start with 2016, but I'll be fair. The internet, which has been a great advancement for humankind, it's been wonderful, but we're battling against instant. Someone can put something up within the next two seconds and it can get shared and read. It's not Twitter anymore, whatever the hell it is. It can be reposted and people take that as being factual. We're in a space where we have to compete with that. And I tell my producers all the time, and I used to tell the journalists when I was in the newsroom, "I don't want to be first all the time, but I want to be right." Because people remember when you get it wrong, they remember when you get it wrong. We're up against that. We're up against Uncle Bob putting something out there that says, "The president's really an alien," and then everybody shares that.

Or we're up against technology where people can create these images and these Reels that look very real, and they're not. So, we're up. We're constantly up against that. And also competing for clicks and likes and all that, because what does that do? That drives sponsors and advertisers. It used to be people wanting to know, "Hey, what are your credentials?" Now it's like, "How many followers you got? What are your socials like?" Somebody asked me that, I had no idea. I was like, my nephew's like, "Auntie, what's your socials looking like?" I'm like, "I don't know. Are they good?" He's like, "No." He's like, "You need to have more followers." I'm like, "Is that the only way you're going?" He listens to me, because I'm his auntie, but he gets his news from Instagram and what's that thing called? The Shade Room and the TikToker and all that stuff, and I know what it is, but it's like I would have rather that he got his news from credible outlets.

And so we're up against that and we have to change, I think how we are delivering and disseminating information. And it also means we need to call the BS when it is out there. I'm constantly finding with people in my own family I'm like, "That's not true." My nephew's ex-wife would not send my grand grandnephews to school because she was told that Hamas was going to come in and they were targeting the schools in Missouri.

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Rose Scott:

And I had to do, I'm like, you can't keep him from being educated because of something that you see someone is posting as being factual. I'm constantly up against that with members of my own family. So, imagine society at large what we're up against, and we have to be on guard about that all the time. But I also tell people, "Y'all have to be better consumer of news if you're not. The effort that you put in when you get some new kicks or you go buy a car, you do your homework, you do your research. When you buy them little lashes, y'all know what lashes to get, what lashes not to get, right? So, do the same thing for your news."

I read and listen to a lot of different outlets, but they're credible. Do your research and be a better consumer of news. And whether it's NPR or CNN or MSNBC, or BBC, Reuters, I watch some conservative news outlets, but ones that are going to be fair. I don't care what your political leaning is, but be fair in your assessment. And we're in a space where people just aren't.

Amena Brown:

Right, right. When you were starting your career in media and in broadcasting, there-

Rose Scott:

There was no Twitter.

Amena Brown:

Well.

Rose Scott:

There were no Facebook. I had a pager. What do you mean, "Oh, wow?" Act like you don't know.

Amena Brown:

When you were starting out in your career, it seems like there was a type type. There was a type that maybe certain media companies or media outlets were looking for on radio, or were looking for on TV, and that type typically excluded people-

Rose Scott:

It wasn't me.

Amena Brown:

... who were from marginalized communities.

Rose Scott:

It wasn't me, was, I remember I went for an interview, news, because my career was in sports. My career began in sports, and I was going to be the next Robin Roberts and I can talk about football, basketball, baseball, hockey, NASCAR, and I went to be interviewed for this, it was a TV job. It was a small market station, and it was a brother behind the desk that said, "Well, you're going to need a nose job." And I hadn't started locking yet, but I was in that pre-lock stage. Y'all know, sister knows that, brothers, y'all know too, that prelock stage where here's like, "Eh," so that prelock stage and coming off a perm, whoo, that's rough.

Amena Brown:

That's a tough time. That's a tough time. That's a time.

Rose Scott:

You got to really work hard to come up with something. And I was in between Whoopi Goldberg and Tracy Chapman. That's with a little bit of Bushwick Bill.

Amena Brown:

That's a time right there.

Rose Scott:

I was at, their hair was ... My man was like, "Well, first of all, I think you might need to get a nose job and straighten your hair." And I was like, "No, man, I'm not doing that." I remember I told my father and he was like, "You don't need to do that." The first black woman I saw on television doing the news was a woman named Carol Simpson for ABC News, and then Robin Smith in St. Louis who's a local anchor. And for me that was, "Okay, that's what I want to do." But to go up against these barriers from people saying, "I have to look like and sound like Barbara Walters or Jane Pauley, whoever."

And I was like, and I always loved radio too, but I was like, "I'm not getting a nose job." I thought about it, I really thought about it, and my father's like, "You're not getting no nose job." And I was like, "I've always wanted locks." I said, "I'm going to lock my hair." I just didn't do it. I stuck with it. And radio's been a passion for mine anyway, but I've been able to do TV and documentaries and win an Emmy with locks. So, go figure.

Amena Brown:

Yo, yo. What advice would you give to people who are coming from marginalized communities and want careers in media and journalism?

Rose Scott:

I give the same advice, no matter what community you're coming from. If you want to do this job, if you want to be a journalist, and if you want to be a credible journalist because you want people to either A, learn from what you're disseminating, or you're bringing information that perhaps people haven't heard before, your lived experiences matter. We all have lived experiences and it matters, and it can help define or shape how you approach any industry. But when it comes to journalism, I think sometimes it's hard for people who are not from a specific community to understand. I've had heated debates with colleagues about, "Well, there should be this. There's always an antagonist. There's this side and that side." And I'm like, "No, I don't believe in objectivity. I believe in being fair. There's a difference."

And Gwen Ifill, who's a shero of mine would say, "My job is to be fair." That's where I get that from. Because objectivity always implies that you have to tell this other side. Well, I've covered sex trafficking. There ain't no other side. It's wrong. Now, we can have debates about policy and sentencing and all that, but it is wrong. I remember when I did the documentary, How to Stop the Candy Shop, which was about child sex trafficking here in Atlanta in Georgia. And this lawyer, there was this infamous, he was a pimp. I call him a trafficker named Sir Charles. And he would have the girls marked with his moniker and all that, and his attorney was like, "You want to talk to him?" I was like, "Nah, what do I want to talk to him for?" Now, if he has a story that might be an explanation, as far as I'm concerned, I don't know what explanation excuse you can give for trafficking kids or trafficking anyone, but especially children. Some of us don't need to talk to him. There's no need.

So, understand that if you are covering a community for which you may not be familiar with, one, be respectful when you go into that community. Research, don't go in there thinking you know all the answers. Don't go in there with this sort of process of, "I want to show these people's pain." Folks love, we call it pain porn. Folks love to profit off the suffering of people of color and poor people. And don't just drop in because it's a problem. Now, I get it. Sometimes you got to cover that story, that's your story. But for me, I'm not dropping into these Atlanta communities. I'm in these Atlanta communities. And they can call me. I feel like all of the Atlanta got my cell phone, so if you want it, I just give it to you.

Because that's not fair. I'm from that community, so I'm not going to treat my people like that. I'm going to be fair, because when you do wrong, I'm going to get you. But I'm not looking to try to get you to cry, or get you to show this emotion because it will get me clicks or whatever. And I tell reporters, "Let a story breathe. Don't put your voice over another community. Don't put your voice over another person." If I ask you a question, I put the microphone there, I'm going to let you say what you got to say. Yeah, we may have to edit for time, but I don't need to come in and say, "Jackson felt this way and dah, dah, dah, dah." Let Jackson tell his story. That's where whatever community you come from.

Going with, to me the expectation's that I'm doing a story, but I might learn something else too. And I'm definitely not going in trying to make them say something that I want them to say because the editor thinks that's what's going to get people to read more, or listen, or download, or whatever. I don't work that way. That ain't me.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, it requires a certain kind of honor that you want to give.

Rose Scott:

Well, I'm going to be fair. They're my people. They're my people. They look like me. I look like them. I'm going to go in there and then come on now. That ain't me.

Amena Brown:

Right, no, yeah. I want to transition to asking you about your favorite things. On this podcast we have a segment we do that's a HER favorite thing. We want to get into Rose Scott's favorite things. I want to start talking about snacks, because that's very important.

Rose Scott:

For sure.

Amena Brown:

A part of the premise of this podcast came from me hanging out with my girlfriends in my living room. And sometimes, depending on money or time, you may not want to go to a restaurant. You might want to be like, "We need to talk about some things. I need to come to your house." And we might not have money maybe to get the charcuterie board of our dreams. I have some hummus I opened up two days ago. You bring a bell pepper that you cut last night. We're going to bring our snacks together and hang out. When you were in this type of moment with your friends, with your people that you hang with, what is your favorite snack to bring into this situation? Are you a person who is going to buy a snack? Do you have a snack you like to make? What are the snack vibes?

Rose Scott:

With my crew, we've been around for a minute, but we call ourselves the Wakandans, but. And some of them are through from the Caribbean, so it's always going to be some type of wings. Might be some jerk wings, might be some lemon pepper wings. There's going to be some wings, probably some type of adult beverage.

Amena Brown:

Love it. Love it. Is there a favorite spirit or liquor that you prefer?

Rose Scott:

I love tequila.

Amena Brown:

All right, all right. Okay, tequila has some fans in the building.

Rose Scott:

But as a journalist you can't just be going, "I love tequila." Just keep going around saying that. But I love tequila. I think it's a great, you can just do a lot with it. Yeah, I like wine. I've been digging Snoop Dogg's 19 Crimes wine. That Cali Red is dope, right? I mean, it goes with everything, but I like tequila, I do. But as far as the other, wings. I like hummus too. I can get down with some hummus. I'm going to have a little bit more than that. And I'm a little bit older now, so I can't do as much cake as I would like to. But you put a brownie in front of me. Now, when I say brownie, y'all. Not the, y'all be making putting a little stuff in there, but-

Amena Brown:

Just to be clear.

Rose Scott:

Just to be clear, like-

Amena Brown:

A regular brownie. Okay. You want it from the edge or the center?

Rose Scott:

Give me the center.

Amena Brown:

Okay, the center brownie.

Rose Scott:

The center brownie, ice cream.

Amena Brown:

A la mode?

Rose Scott:

Yes. And then I'm there. And I like licorice. I'm a big licorice fan.

Amena Brown:

Oh?

Rose Scott:

Yeah. Licorice, the little gummy bears, Sour Patch Kids. My dentist hates me when he's like, the steel listeners is like, "Why you tell everybody you eat gummy bears?" Yeah, I'm a simple gal. I'm from St. Louis. I like barbecue.

Amena Brown:

Having had barbecue in St. Louis and in Atlanta. Is it the same? Is it different? Discuss, tell us?

Rose Scott:

Yeah, here we go. I got to rep for my people now. In St. Louis we like ... It is about the meat. And I think it's about the meat here, but if y'all boiling ribs and putting sauce on it, I'm not saying y'all are doing that, but some people do.

Amena Brown:

Some people do.

Rose Scott:

You got to marinate your meat. And you clean it, you got to marinate it. And my father would marinate pork steaks. Pork steaks are real big in St. Louis. And he would marinate them in coffee, Folgers Coffee and mandarin oranges. And then he'd put them on the grill. Then he'd throws some eggplant, because he knew I had to eat some vegetables. Like got to eat your vegetables like eggplant. That ain't no pork steak. But so yeah. And in the sauce, St. Louis, we are big on sauce too. There ain't a whole lot, but you just need enough just to give it that nice little. And I think in St. Louis too, we're more of a sweet sauce.

Amena Brown:

I see.

Rose Scott:

In Texas they like that good on, the dry rub, and yeah. Y'all don't really do sauce in Texas, but y'all do barbecue. Y'all grill. There's a difference between barbecue and grilling.

Amena Brown:

That's right.

Rose Scott:

And in North Carolinas they do a lot of that mustard. The mustard, which it's not bad. And then rib tips are big, I think here in the south. Y'all like tips.

Amena Brown:

Mm-hmm.

Rose Scott:

But we do St. Louis style pork ribs. I love St. Louis. I can't eat pork a lot, but I can throw some chicken on there.

Amena Brown:

I enjoy swine on special occasions. I think that's nice.

Rose Scott:

If you go to the store, I'm not going to mention the store. No chicken is, the chicken breast that's this big, don't get that.

Amena Brown:

Yikes.

Rose Scott:

Ain't no chicken that big, y'all.

Amena Brown:

That's a no.

Rose Scott:

Your wing should be little. If your wing's like this is a problem. I'm just saying. Ain't going to get like Oprah with the beef and get sued.

Amena Brown:

Right, okay. Because we don't want that. We don't want that.

Rose Scott:

But farmer's markets are usually going to have. My dad, we used to go straight to the barn to get the hog meat. I mean, straight to the barn after the hog had had his last rites read to him by the priest. Yeah. So, we used to, picking greens and snapping peas and all that. Y'all know about snapping peas?

Amena Brown:

Oh, yes.

Rose Scott:

And making hot water skillet cornbread.

Amena Brown:

Hot water skillet. Yes.

Rose Scott:

You know about some hot water skillet corn bread. All right.

Amena Brown:

Mm-hmm. Let's speak about it.

Rose Scott:

With some crackling in there. That's-

Amena Brown:

With the hogs.

Rose Scott:

There you go.

Amena Brown:

I felt that when you said crackling that really, it took me to a place.

Rose Scott:

And then neck bones.

Amena Brown:

Yes, neck bones.

Rose Scott:

With some butter beans.

Amena Brown:

I didn't know we were going to go to church today, but I thank you for bringing that to us. I thank you for bringing that.

Rose Scott:

No, that's all right. That's how I grew up, and I'm proud of it.

Amena Brown:

Oh, I love that.

Rose Scott:

I got the thighs to the show.

Amena Brown:

Listen, listen. Earned, earned, okay? Tell us your favorite Atlanta eats. I'm really curious about this, Rose, because you get to experience quite a few things around the city.

Rose Scott:

You're going to get me in trouble.

Amena Brown:

We know you can name all your favorites, of course, but a few places that you would say are your stomping grounds?

Rose Scott:

So, vegetarian.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Rose Scott:

Twisted Soul, that's Chef Deborah VanTrece's place.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Very good.

Rose Scott:

I'm digging the Bomb Biscuit. And of course, both of them were just added to the Michelin recommendations. But I want to get any type of Korean inspired. I just go up Beaver Highway and pick a spot. I'm not going to mention barbecue, because I will get in trouble.

Amena Brown:

That's fair.

Rose Scott:

They'll be at my door with baseball bats.

Amena Brown:

No, we don't need that.

Rose Scott:

"Why don't you say my spot, you be over there every day?" I'm like, "Oh bro, I get you."

Amena Brown:

Those are good eats. I like it. Okay, I know you're a hip hop fan.

Rose Scott:

All day.

Amena Brown:

And I too am a hip hop fan, and I feel there's a question that used to be asked. That was your, you are going to a new school, you're starting a new job, you're just meeting some people. There was a time where the first thing you want to know is, "What's your top five MCs?" People don't ask this question as much anymore. And I want to put a parenthetical note. That's because there's not as many great MCs there used to be. But anyways-

Rose Scott:

That part.

Amena Brown:

Anyways, I want to hear your top five. What would you say?

Rose Scott:

All right, in no particular order.

Amena Brown:

Yes, of course.

Rose Scott:

So KRS-One, Chuck D, Nas, MC Lyte. And it's like three people at number five, LL, Andre 3000, and Rakim.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, that's so solid.

Rose Scott:

That's the starting five with some people coming off the bench. And then can I give you my other ones?

Amena Brown:

Yes, yes, I'm in there.

Rose Scott:

I was mad at him for a while, but Ice Cube, because Cube, Cube got flow. Man, Cube got crazy flow. He just talking crazy right now.

Amena Brown:

He is right now. Right now.

Rose Scott:

Jay-Z, Method. Yeah, that's my dude right there. Pac. And y'all know who Jean Grae is?

Amena Brown:

Yeah, yeah, Jean Grae.

Rose Scott:

Jean be so underrated, so underrated. But yeah, Jean got some [inaudible 00:24:04], boy.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, very.

Rose Scott:

She got some. And then my man from the Locks, Jadakiss.

Amena Brown:

Jadakiss.

Rose Scott:

Jada be killing people, man. So yeah.

Amena Brown:

I like that. These are good votes. Do you have newer or newish hip hop artists that you love? Do you have any that stand out to you?

Rose Scott:

I want to put Eminem on that list too and [inaudible 00:24:33] back, because that boy got crazy. I mean, I try not to be like my dad when hip hop came out. Because what he said to me though, he said, "If you're going to listen to this," because Grandmaster Flash, The Message. I was like, "Oh." He's like, "Well, why don't you listen to these cats named The Last Poets? Okay, so that's The Last Poets, Gil Scott Heron. Okay, so I don't want to be, I don't understand these young people's music. I don't understand these young folk's music. What-

Amena Brown:

Amen.

Rose Scott:

... they're saying.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, it's a struggle.

Rose Scott:

I don't know. My nephew loves Kodak Black and I hope he listening, "Dude, what you talking about? I'm trying to go, I'm trying to flow with you, but I don't know." And I like Kendrick, obviously. I like J Cole, I like Rhapsody.

Amena Brown:

I love Rhapsody, yeah.

Rose Scott:

But I mean, I like the independence of what people like Meg and Cardi are doing. I don't necessarily really, I'm not their target audience, and that's fine, but I love it. Let them be them. Because there's always a separate set of standards for the women. I don't have daughters, I have nieces, so I may not want them to listen to some of this stuff until they're older. Because they're influencers, let's be really clear. But also it's up to the parents to say. My dad said, "I'm not with NWA, but if you want to listen to it, that's fine." But also said, "You're going to listen to something else." I think that's okay. Now them city girls, woo. I had to grab a Bible to listen to them.

Amena Brown:

Boy, boy.

Rose Scott:

I'm like-

Amena Brown:

Note taking.

Rose Scott:

... is this legal? Is this moral? No, I'm just kidding.

Amena Brown:

I'm kidding, no.

Rose Scott:

But they got art and I want them to be themselves. Let them be, because look, when Lil' Kim came, we was like, "God Lil' Kim. Yeah, do it." But I grew up with like [inaudible 00:26:44] Queen, and Salt n' Pepa, and Sequence, and Yo-Yo. When she said, "Don't play with me." So, I want them to, because eventually they'll grow away from that. I mean, we all do. I'm not going to be one of these people. I wish hip hop would still embrace its roots, because it was about, matter of fact, MC Lyte told me this. I interviewed her right around the corner over there in Studio three. She said, "MCs are like street journalists telling the story." And some of these folks, they ain't telling their story, they're just telling something.

And I don't want to knock that, but hip hop was about the start as community, what's happening with us. And then also having a good time, but I realized things are different. And also what's happening, it's police brutality, HIV, AIDS. I mean, we had artists that were talking about that, so I get it. I just would hope that it comes back a little bit. And then some of this, the violence that is around it, I mean, we don't need that. And when you start making money, it's what Gz talked about, "You're making money, you need to leave all that alone." T.I. said the same thing, "Leave all that alone." And then take it, give it back to the community.

I think some of these guys that were, and women were former street pharmacists, especially during the crack epidemic, I hope that they can give back to the community, because we need centers, resource centers, drug abuse centers, substance disorder centers. Because we're still dealing with the effect of y'all selling that crap in our neighborhoods. I get it. Were no Uber wasn't no DoorDash. I think there were other ways. But now that you've made your money and you'll come up, give it back to the people. Y'all move out, which is fine, but give back, do something. We don't need no Boomer's Barbershops. Well, if that's what you got, okay, fine. But do something, because we helped you make it, so.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. I'm in agreement with all of the top that you named. I always have honorable mention for Black Thought. I enjoy, it's like if there were a most consistent MC award, like Black Thought falls in that category for me. That I'm like, "I really can't think of a bad verse. I love Jay-Z and I can think of a couple of bad verses."

Rose Scott:

I can think of a whole-

Amena Brown:

Bad songs.

Rose Scott:

I mean, Jay-Z was misogynist. I mean look, a lot of them were, I'm not knocking. I get it. I'm not knocking that, because at least Jay-Z was talking about his truth at that time. But Jay-Z ain't talking about that now. And that's what other artists should understand too. That is your template. That's your model right there. Look at Queen Latifah. Some people don't even know Queen Latifah came out with Ladies First.

Amena Brown:

That part.

Rose Scott:

They just think, "Oh, she an actress, go by Queen Latifah." No, Queen Latifah should spit that fire. And she said, "Who are you calling a bitch?"

Amena Brown:

Listen-

Rose Scott:

I was like, "Hell, yeah."

Amena Brown:

She had the Kufi. That was a time. That was a time.

Rose Scott:

I love it.

Amena Brown:

Love that for her. And I like you, I'm trying not to become a hip hop curmudgeon. I'm trying not to do that. But there is an era of it that I love very much.

Rose Scott:

Nothing wrong with that.

Amena Brown:

I try to be about, there's a my hip hop category that I don't get to decide what is hip hop, because hip hop is so broad and has grown so much now. But I can say, "This falls within my hip hop," and other things-

Rose Scott:

And that's the beauty of it. Because everyone, we got different generations here, so everyone can say, "Look, this is my hip hop, this is my experience, this is my path. This encapsulates what was happening in my community or for me." And that's okay, because 80 years from now people be looking at, "Oh, what was going on when Jay-Z was popping, or Rakim or Kodak Black." Kodak, man, if you listen, I'm trying to work with you, bro.

Amena Brown:

Just want to understand. Want to know.

Rose Scott:

What the hell you talking about?

Amena Brown:

What you mean?

Rose Scott:

Yeah, what you be talking about.

Amena Brown:

I'm normally not a person who listens to new music. And I actually got, you know how on the Apple Music app they'll have a playlist that's like, "You can listen to new music that's out now." When Cardi was first coming out, I actually decided I was going to hate listen to this new music playlist. And I was like, "Let me listen to this so I can decide what I don't like about this." And then Bodak Yellow came on and I was like, "Sis said, I don't got a dance." I got money now. I got money shoes.

Rose Scott:

That's her truth. And I'm glad. Yeah, that's her truth.

Amena Brown:

She got a fan out of me right there, to this day's.

Rose Scott:

That's her truth.

Amena Brown:

She was like, "I paid for these teeth, and it wasn't cheap." It wasn't cheap. It cost me money to get these teeth.

Rose Scott:

That's her truth. I got no problem with that.

Amena Brown:

I'm trying, Rose, I do.

Rose Scott:

I know.

Amena Brown:

I'm trying to take in a new artist every three years, and then that's it.

Rose Scott:

You're better than me.

Amena Brown:

Here's my limitations.

Rose Scott:

Yeah. My nephew would send me stuff, "You like this person?" I'd be like, "Nah." Now I send him something, you like this person. They cool. He don't want to admit that.

Amena Brown:

That he might like it?

Rose Scott:

That he might like it, yeah. I sent him some X Clan. He's like, "Ooh, they're coming hard." Yeah, I sent him some Poor Righteous Teachers. Oh, man, he was like, "Oh, damn, auntie. I can't counter this." I said, "No, you can't counter with that.

Amena Brown:

They don't have a counter.

Rose Scott:

Can't counter Poor Righteous Teachers. Who you're going to counter that with?"

Amena Brown:

Nobody. Mm-mm. I have always thought, because I shared a birthday with Busta Rhymes, that if I could have an MC do a verse about me, I feel like I would choose Busta because we share a birthday. That just seems like it would make sense. Maybe he could make the whole thing rhyme based on Amena, like he did some of his other verses. If you could have an MC rap, a verse about you, who would you choose?

Rose Scott:

Oh, without a doubt it would be MC Lyte.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Rose Scott:

It would be Lyte. Because she gets me as a woman, as a Black woman. And yeah, no, I just say, "Come. Do what you got to do."

Amena Brown:

I would love to hear that. MC Lyte, we know you listening.

Rose Scott:

And in second, it's going to surprise some people. Second, Too Short. I got a Too Short side y'all don't know about.

Amena Brown:

I'm interested. I'm interested in this.

Rose Scott:

I got a Too Short side. Y'all don't know about that.

Amena Brown:

I'm interested in this, Rose.

Rose Scott:

Too Short, Ice-T.

Amena Brown:

I want to know about this. Too Short, I don't know if you're listening, but Too Short, we want to hear this. We want to hear this Rose Scott verse. Because I will admit, Rose, I had a chance to hear Too Short live at ONE Music Fest here in Atlanta, and it really does clear the lungs when you can just say those words with Too Short. Just being there and just out into the air, "What's my favorite word? B." I mean, wow, that's a time, bros. I can see why you would want him to be the one there.

Rose Scott:

And I like Short because he's like, "I'm not a good rapper. I'm your nephew, and this is what we talking about too short is that guy you playing spades and dominoes with and then he just going, you do something, he's just going to snap on you and then come with a line. Then y'all go have a 40 or something like that. Yeah, and I'm able to criticize too, some of the other stuff they talk about.

Amena Brown:

Right, right. We're looking for this Rose Scott mix tape where you curate, sort of like you could be the Khaled of that where you bring these artists together to make the songs you have decided. I want you to know we're awaiting that. This sounds very fascinating. I mean, Too Short and MC Lyte right there on the same album. That just sounds, this sounds like the thing, Rose, I want you to consider.

Rose Scott:

It sounds like a thing, okay.

Amena Brown:

I want you to think about that.

Rose Scott:

And Nelly's, my homeboy, he's from St. Louis, so I got a fun side too. I like to dance and party and all that, so I can bring Nelly in for that. Because one thing about Nelly, again, being true, he wasn't trying to come and say, "I'm this and that." That song, Country Grammar, y'all seen that video?

Audience:

Mm-hmm.

Rose Scott:

I swear half my cousins' in that video. I'm like, "Ain't that little bit daughter?" Mm-hmm. Ain't that So-and-so went, yeah, he kept it real. So yeah, I can show some love for Nelly.

Amena Brown:

Last question from me, and then we'll take a couple of questions from the crowd. As a journalist you have to take in a lot of stories. Some of them are heartwarming, some of them are heartbreaking also, how do you keep joy in your life? What would you say is bringing you joy at this season of life?

Rose Scott:

The fact that I got through the pandemic and everything else with that, with the social injustice rallies and covering that and the protests which were justified, let's be really clear. Polarizing politics, which were crazy. But I had a lot of grief during that time. From the end of 2019 through 2021 I lost my brother to drug overdose. Then five months later my sister died. My great uncle died, and he was 102, so he was ready to go. He's like, "I'm out. Y'all got this pandemic. I wasn't ready for this." So he went to sleep, said, "I'm gone." We was good with that. Lost some very good friends. And then I had to put both my cats down.

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Rose Scott:

My cat of 21 years, she was a Siamese, and my Maine Coon was 15. And it's like all this grief. And I kept working through all of this. Right upstairs in studio 4 WABE where we're recording this podcast. And I'll never do that again. I will never sacrifice my mental health for my job. I ain't never doing that shit again. But for me at the time, it was like, I got to get through this. And I remember I found out my sister had passed 20 minutes before I was to go on air, and I don't remember the segment. I just got through it. Then I got home and I just cried. And by the grace of some good girl, you always got to have good girlfriends, some good boyfriends or whatever. You got to have that, because without them I probably wouldn't have ... It was tough, it was rough, but I should have taken time away from this job, and I didn't do that.

And then nobody was checking really on the journalists, especially the Black journalists. Nobody was saying, "How y'all getting through this?" When you see someone that looks like you from your community dying. And we've seen the video and cell phone footage of stuff before, but George Floyd was so different. Ahmaud Arbery, Rayshard Brooks, Breonna Taylor, you're constantly taking all this in. These are your people. And then the pandemic, and then who was early on, what communities were being greatly affected. There was a disparity. It was rural communities, poor communities, black and brown communities, so you got that going on. And so it was an assistant, I can't remember her name. I would love to give her proper credit. She wrote up in the New York Times about Black journalists are not okay. And I retweeted it or posted it.

And then finally someone I went to college with, or actually he worked in sports information when I was in college, we worked together. His name was Tom James. He just tweeted, "Hey Rose, how you're doing?" And that meant the world to me, because nobody asked me how I was doing. Nobody said, "What do you need?" And so then as I started to open up a little bit more and my friends were like, "Hey, what can we do?" And I remember Gigi, she called me and she said, "How you're doing? You didn't sound like yourself." She was listening to the show. And I was like, "Gigi, it's rough." And she sent one of those edible bouquets of chocolate covered pineapples and bananas and all that and strawberries. And she came over with a bottle of Puerto Rican rum.

Amena Brown:

Love to see it.

Rose Scott:

Now, I'm not saying that's how you deal with your issues, but God damn, we dealt with it that night.

Amena Brown:

It do the work, it do the work.

Rose Scott:

But just friends, some really good friends. It was just like, "What do you need? We're here." And I should have taken time. But I'll never do that again. Because I think if I ever deal with something like that again, it's going to kill me. And no job is worth that. No job. Right now it's bringing me joy is that I got through that and I'm okay. I'm still working things out with the universe about all this death. Lost some very good friends, but we're going to work it out.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Thank you, Rose.

Rose Scott:

Thank you.

Amena Brown:

I want to take a couple of questions. We have time for maybe two or three questions if anyone in the audience has one. You can say it out loud, I will also say it here on the microphone, so we'll have it for the recording. Anybody, questions for Rose? About snacks, anything? Yes, what you got?

Speaker 5:

I'm trying to be concise, since you got to repeat it. You were able to win an Emmy talking about very sensitive subject with Syrian refugees in Jordan a few years ago. What advice would you give to journalists today covering similar topics in a media environment that has put a lot of more controls on what people can and can't say?

Rose Scott:

Well, I think if you are working for an outlet that is trying to control what you say or the images that you all disseminate or show, I think you need to reevaluate who you you're working for. But I get what you're saying. When I went to the Middle East in 2013 to cover the Syrian refugees, I was covering how CARE the Atlanta organization here was helping them. It's about people. Y'all can argue all day about policy and politics. Who's wrong? Who's right? I'm talking about when people are suffering and they have nothing to do or they are the consequences, the unintended, or maybe sometimes intended consequences of a greater issue. I'm always interested in the human story and the human side of this.

And when you talk to a woman who left Syria with six kids, her husband, his arm was ... He lost his arm in a bomb blast and he bled out in the back bedroom because there was no hospital to get him to. And she still hadn't told the kids by the time I interviewed her. They still thought daddy was coming home. That story, that's what people need to hear.

Y'all going to argue all day about the government and all that, but these are human lives here. I'm trying to do it with respect. I'm not trying to get her to say something. Also, in that instance, I'm with a translator. So, what was interesting about that trip was I had interviewed another woman who fled with her daughter. And first of all, it was a 16-hour flight from ... I had to go to Chicago from there to Amman, Jordan straight, and it's like seven, eight hours difference. So, I was tired the entire week. And I'm in this woman's home and she says something and the translator laughs and looks at me. And I was like, "What'd she say?" She said, "The American looks tired, so I'm going to make coffee for her." She was worried about me.

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Rose Scott:

She had lost everything. And then I get a text from somebody in my family, "They need a new phone." I'm like, "No, let's put things in perspective here." So, in covering some sensitive or complex or just tough issues or stories, what have you, my approach is to be respectful, to get what I can. Get the information I can do the interviews. It's going to be tough. And if I need to check out at some point, I'm going to check out. If it's too much, you got to disconnect. The human trafficking, the sex trafficking story we made, the center of that. The core of that documentary was about a young woman who was forced into it at the age of 12 by somebody at her church. And so I wanted Keisha to tell her story. And we did that interview right over there in Studio A. And she said, "No one ever asked me my story." So, we let her story kind of guide the rest of the documentary.

Depending on what it is, sometimes you have to really plan, "Okay, let's get this voice, get this voice, get this voice, get that." But then also, sometimes if something's missing, I say, "Well, there's got to be a human interest in here somewhere. Who are we missing?" And let them tell their story. And there are times where I had to, "You know what?" I'm sitting with the editor, this is for the documentary. I was like, "You know what? I can't anymore." I know we're on deadline, but I'm tearing up. I cry, I'm human. I get emotional like everybody else. I know I have a job to do. But when it comes to disconnect, then I go put on some Nina Simone or Tupac or whatever, Led Zeppelin, whatever I got to do to get through the night and I come back at it in the morning. I hope I answered your question.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Rose Scott:

All right.

Amena Brown:

Yeah?

Speaker 6:

This is actually a tough question for me. I'm Muslim and a lot of the places where I value the news were covering Israel in a light that it was really tough to watch.

Rose Scott:

I can imagine.

Speaker 6:

Even the places that I respect.

Rose Scott:

I can imagine.

Speaker 6:

I think, well, so what my question is, what is your suggestion on how people should navigate this type of stuff? Because even places that you feel are safe for you to ingest what they're giving you, you realize that they're driven by finances, things like that. What would you suggest is a good solution for people to always stay on your toes as far as the news cycle, or-

Rose Scott:

In terms of the consumer? In terms of the consumer, or? Look, I love America in a sense. But we don't own the patent or the rights to credible news. Mainstream media, it's always interesting to me to see how other international outlets cover things in America. I use that same approach to something that was happening with Israel and Hamas. I suggest, seek out other outlets. I think the BBC has done a pretty good job. I think Reuters has done a pretty good job. I don't think all of the American-based outlets are doing a very good job. Look, the war is between Israel and Hamas, all right? And I think it's unfair to go after people if they're echoing cries for peace, or echoing cries to please be, show some humanity towards the Palestinians who are not the terrorists. I think people have a right to say that's how they feel. And they also at the same time say, "We feel for these 1,400 people that have been murdered by the Hamas."

Now, do we know the history of all that? Yeah. But for right now people are being killed and people are the consequences of this. And if we can't try to work towards some type of peaceful resolution, because let's be really clear about this. Israel has a very forceful military, and they should, just like the U.S., right? Hamas ain't got no chance. But who's to say that you are going to wipe all of them out? There has got to be, I'm not smart enough to know. Well, I have an opinion I ain't going to tell you. I'm not smart enough to know how they can come together in terms of, but there has to be a way. There has to be a way, because people are being murdered, and kids are being killed. There has to be a way figure that shit out. There has to be a way.

And I don't want anybody being murdered. I lost my brother in line ... My brother was murdered. He was a police officer killed in line of duty. So, I know what that pain is like to lose somebody, and to lose someone in an act of violence. I feel, because we shouldn't lump all Muslims under one umbrella, just like we do with Black folk and brown folk and white folk. And I wish I had the answer to tell you that you could go here and magically you'll get what you want to hear. Because let's be clear too, people turn to the news because they figure like ... They have their favorite news outlets, because they want to hear what they want to hear. Most people, right? Folks that watch Fox want to hear that. Folks that watch MSNBC, they're going to hear that. My job where I am is, I'm not trying to tell you what to think or how to think, but I do want to give you something to think about. I'm going to be fair about it.

And is it complex in covering this? It can be, if you're not going to thoroughly come from a place where you're really trying to see, sometimes a story is not the story. And what I mean by that is we have this bigger story with Israel and Hamas and Palestine, right? Delcourt. But I'm also interested in how are folks trying to navigate through all of this? That's a story for me. How are you navigating through this as someone who's Jewish, as someone who's Muslim, as someone who's that? Can y'all come together and work together for the good of the community? That's a story to me. That's what I'm interested in. If y'all want to argue, my platform, that ain't what we doing. I have a very powerful platform. I admit that. It took me a while to really understand that. I have a very powerful platform. I'm not going to misuse it to attack anybody or to get people to think one way or the other. That's not what y'all need from me.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Rose Scott:

That answer your question? Did I answer your question?

Speaker 6:

Yeah.

Rose Scott:

Okay, all right.

Amena Brown:

Last one, yeah.

Speaker 7:

Who or what influenced you to want to do journalism?

Rose Scott:

That's a great question. When I was six years old, so my dad used to listen to Cardinals' baseball games on the radio, because back in the day, believe it or not, folks really loved listening to games on the radio. And there was a guy in St. Louis named Jack Buck, loved Jack Buck. I'm a big Cardinals fan. I mean Brass Eye. But look, I'm going to rep Cardinals until I die. I would hear Jack Buck, my dad would sit on the porch, listen to the game. We could have the TV on in the house, but he'd turn the volume down and he'd turn on the radio, because he wouldn't hear Jack Buck. Jack Buck was a announcer. And I was fascinated about how he would just have my daddy hooked. I could get $20 from my daddy. "Dad, give me $20. I go to White Castle." "Here you go." Because he in tune to the Game.

I lost it. But anyway, so I loved radio and I loved news and information. Before The Jeffersons came on I had to watch 60 Minutes. I was like. Or Good Times, whatever. So, I watched the news. Jack Buck was an influence because how he could control his anything around him coming out of this box. And I used to take the antenna, remember radios had the antenna, and I would pretend like I was broadcasting. I was so cute. And then I watched 60 Minutes. I saw these folks interviewing people. I saw an interview with the Shah of Iran. I was like, "Oh, cool. Interviewing all these people." And as I got older, I knew I wanted to be a journalist. I didn't really know about NPR until a bit later, but I wanted to go into sports too. And so when ESPN came about and Robin Roberts, I was like, "Okay, I'm going to be like Robin Roberts." And I actually wrote to her.

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Rose Scott:

And when I graduated from college, I knew I was coming to Atlanta. I ain't knew how I was going to get here, but I knew I was coming to Atlanta. I knew the Olympics were here. And I wrote to her and I was like, "I want to come to Atlanta." And she wrote me back and she's like, "Rose, Atlanta's a great place. There are a lot of people that can help you." Because she had been here. "But," she said, "The key is to surround yourself with people who are willing to help you." And that's a big difference. So, Jack Buck, Robin Roberts, Gwen Ifill, who is a big shero of mine. But also two people who were not in the industry, Toni Morrison. I was a big fan. Roger Lord. I used to read their stuff. Langston Hughes. That kept me in my Blackness. Because I like, "I'm going to do this. I'm going to stay Blackity, black, black, black, black."

Amena Brown:

There you go. Period. Very Black. Black every day.

Rose Scott:

Every day. Unapologetically all the time.

Amena Brown:

That's a great answer.

Rose Scott:

Except when you go to Alaska. No, I'm just kidding.

Amena Brown:

Right. One last one. What you got?

Speaker 8:

With all this heavy information that you receive all the time, how do you take care of yourself?

Rose Scott:

Another good question. I disconnect, like I said, I'll come home and I might put on the Cartoon Network, or I may not put anything on. Look, I work in this space, so I get the alerts from AP and all that, but I'll disconnect. I'll go for walks. I'll ride my bike, I'll hang out with friends. I dog sit my friends' pets. I'm going on a trip. I'm going to Ghana in a few months. And sometimes I just sit in silence and just listen to the universe. I know that sounds very cerebral and all chamomile tea and incense and all that shit, but it's real. That's how I disconnect.

Because you're right. It is a lot of heaviness. And you can't let that, if it gets to a point where it's draining on you, then you got to do something. You go do something else. I'll go raise llamas or something like that. But I'm not there yet. But I think I got maybe six more years maybe. But I'm going to go do something else. Yeah, y'all the future. Let the next folks do it. I just hope I'm leaving a pathway for them to be better and do bigger and better things. And for our industry to really play a pivotal role. Because the power of a free press and democracy go hand in hand. Let's make, be clear about that.

Amena Brown:

Give it up for Rose Scott.

Rose Scott:

Thank you. Got it.

Amena Brown:

What an honor, y'all. HER With Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 131

Amena Brown:

Hey y'all. Welcome back to a new episode of HER With Amena Brown, and this episode is an Ask Amena Anything. So I got these questions from social media, so here I am. I'm going to answer your questions.

Okay, first question is, "Favorite place to get jumpsuits?" I am a girl who loves jumpsuits. I did not know that I would love jumpsuits as much as I do. Shout out to Michelle Norris, who is a fantastic photographer and just guru of style generally. And at the time, Michelle Norris was doing some personal styling just on the side, and so she definitely is the person who got me into wearing jumpsuits. She was like, "You ought to try this on." And I have never gotten back to not being a person who wasn't wearing jumpsuits. Okay. Favorite places to buy jumpsuits. I have to give, I guess it's a local shout-out, but this boutique I'm about to name also has an online store. Pink Sky Boutique, I've gotten quite a few of my favorite jumpsuits from there.

Also, I have to give a shout-out to TJ Maxx, because not so much for fall per se, but in the spring and the summer I have found some of my favorite jumpsuits there. But here's the difference. Here's the thing. It depends on what kind of jumpsuit you're wanting, and I'm a girl who likes jumpsuits for any occasion, so I have some jumpsuits that are jumpsuits to wear just in the house. Then I have some jumpsuits that are just something to put on while you're running errands or whatever. And then I have jumpsuits that to me are like, "I'm going out" type of jumpsuit, and then I have more of a corporate or officey looking jumpsuit for certain events and stuff like that.

So TJ Maxx is really good for a very casual or sporty jumpsuit. And the trick that I've learned, though, is for some reason I don't find as many casual jumpsuits in the women's section, which is normally where my sizing would be. Sometimes in order to find a very cute or sporty casual jumpsuit, I have to go over to the junior's section and go to the end. The highest size of the junior section, that is where I have found a lot of great casual jumpsuits.

I love to pay attention to jumpsuits that athletic brands have, like the Jordan brand and the Adidas brand. You can sometimes find some really, really cool jumpsuits from there. So yes, those are probably my favorite places to get a jumpsuit, but pretty much any store that I go in, I'm going to look at the jumpsuit section, like anytime.

Somebody asked me what were my reflections coming from Evolving Faith, and for those of you that aren't familiar, Evolving Faith is a conference, but also an online community for people who may have grown up in Christian environments or may have been Christian certain time of life, and now may find their theology shifting or broadening. Evolving Faith is, in its conference state, a place where people can come and just hear from different speakers who are not conservative Christians and are not evangelical Christians, but are more progressive and liberal voices, and some voices that are existing in these different places and expressing sort of how their faith shows up in those environments.

So many of you know if you've been listening to this podcast a long time that for the most part, I no longer do a lot of the type of faith-based Christian events that I was doing for so long in my career. Evolving Faith is one of a very small, small number of events that are related to faith that I still do, related to Christian faith. And I think what I love about Evolving Faith also though is that it's just such an inclusive place. It's inclusive for anyone, whatever your gender, whatever your sexual orientation, wherever you are theologically or spiritually. You could be atheist and attend Evolving Faith. You could be agnostic.

I love that it is a place that welcomes queer folks, that is having a lot of conversation around what it means to be LGBTQ+ and be Christian or be LGBTQ+ and having grown up in environments that were very hostile to you because of Christian religion. So there's a lot of just welcome and inclusivity that I really love about that. So I have been the emcee for Evolving Faith for the past four years, and as of this recording, I was just there in the last week or two emcee-ing. And what are my reflections?

Man, I think one of the things that has meant a lot to me about being a part of Evolving Faith is really, being an emcee, I also get to be in the audience too. So I'm introducing speakers, but I actually get to sit down and listen to some of them. And I, especially this year, had the opportunity since we were back in person to really have an opportunity to sit and listen to two or three of the sessions in full. And as a person whose theology has shifted quite a bit from maybe the Christian theology I was raised with, or even where my theology was when I first started performing in white Christian conservative evangelical environments, it's nice to feel like you are with other people who are also on a searching journey. It definitely made me feel less alone and made me feel more aligned.

And there was a lot of similar messaging to say that when you realize that the way that you believe may be changing, that that can feel like... A lot of the language around Evolving Faith is that that can be this wilderness. But there was a lot of affirmation during the event to say that the wilderness is not a bad place to be. I even remember Dante Stewart, who was one of the speakers there, he was talking about how lost is also a place, and can be a good place. It doesn't have to be viewed as this bad place.

So yeah, I really enjoyed getting to be a part of that and getting to be a part of the community. And there are a lot of people who are speakers and things at Evolving Faith that are my friends, and so it's always nice to see them, but it's also nice just to be in the crowd there. And I think when other people see me there that may know me from having been in a conservative church space, I think when they see me there I can see their eyes light up like, "Oh my gosh, you're here?" And I'm sure the last place they may have seen me was in a more conservative church on a Sunday or at a more conservative conference or something.

And I think it does my heart good to be there, and I find that it does other people's hearts good to see that I'm there and that I want to be a part of a Christian faith that is inclusive, that isn't excluding folks that are disabled, that isn't excluding folks who are queer or trans. Isn't excluding anyone that wants to do the work of anti-racism. That's the faith that I want to be a part of. So I think the plus to Evolving Faith is you get to be around people who are not just against things that you're against, but are also for things you're for, and are for people that you're for. So there's that.

I guess this segues into my next question, "Why do you believe in God?" That's a really interesting question, and I would say in this season of my life is really, really layered. I will say I'm not a person who processes well publicly. I can be an external processor in the sense that when people are close to me, I like to talk things out and I like to say my thoughts out loud and hear the people I love sort of bounce their thoughts back off of me. I like that kind of thing, but I'm not a person who can be processing sort of the deeper things of my life and blog about it or write about it on social media.

So there are a lot of things that I believe, a lot of things I no longer believe, a lot of things that I've been in process about that I haven't spoken about publicly. And some of that, on my part, has been really intentional, because I don't want the rush to be for me to make statements if where I'm at is not a place that's ready to make statements. And some of that has just been me wanting to give myself the proper time in real life to think about things.

So why do I believe in God? I will say, I guess I'll start with, even though there are a lot of places my theology has shifted, I do still believe in God and I do still believe in Jesus, and I believe in the message of Jesus in building a table that welcomes everyone, and in building a table that has people there that other people may say shouldn't be at the table. I love that part about Jesus. And I think sometimes I would say that I believe in God because my ancestors did, because I can look back on generations of my family and all of the things that my people have walked through and that they managed to still find a way to look towards God.

I think that the idea that there is a God who loves and who understands and who feels our suffering and our pain, who is not separated from that. All of those things really jive with me. So I don't know. It's hard to answer why, because I can't say it's like "I have this scientific proof that God exists." I guess I'll say I believe in God because I feel like that's a risk I'm willing to take.

There's a whole lot about life and God, to me, that is a mystery that we can go to theology school for the rest of our lives and there'll be a lot about the mystery of God that we'll never understand. There'll be a lot about the mystery of life that we'll never understand, but I believe in God because I'm willing to take a risk on believing. And I may discover at the end of life that there isn't an afterlife and that we just close our eyes and that's it. But I'm willing to take that risk and believe that there is a God that loves us and there is a God that wants to be present to us. So yeah, that's as far as I can get right now.

Next question says, "What is one thing you wish you could change with a snap to make the world better?" Of course, my first thoughts about this question are just very ignorant, but my first thought was like, "I just want us to be able to eat as many carbs as we want and it not do anything to our bodies that has any damage at all." That was the first thing. I feel like I should have a deeper answer for that. I will say, the concept of having something that you could change about the world in a snap is probably not something that I would ask for or really identify with. I think life as a human and life on this earth as we know it is full of a lot of beautiful things, and it's also full of a lot of really horrible things too, and heartbreaking things.

And I don't know what the butterfly effect is of you snap your fingers and you change this thing, then how does that affect all the other things? But if I was going to say a more serious one, my one thing would probably be white supremacy. That would be the one thing I would want to change, because I think inside, I feel like in white supremacy is purity culture, is homophobia, is transphobia, is so many things like that, is ableism. All of that stems from the roots of white supremacy to me. So that would probably be my one serious thing outside of being able to eat as many donuts as I wanted without having to worry about my blood sugar.

Okay, somebody said, I want to hear more spoken word. Well, I have a poem here that I'm going to share. It's technically not spoken word, but since it's poetry, I'm going to share it anyways. I actually saw this as a comment on IG and was like, "I too want to hear more spoken word." So I'll read you this poem.

This poem is a contrapuntal poem, and shout out to the homie Tawny Powell who was doing a writing workshop a few years ago here in Atlanta. And if you're not familiar with the form of contrapuntal, it's basically like you have a poem that, I don't remember exactly how many lines it is, but the lines, you sort of take two opposing ideas and you write one poem about the one idea and then you write another stanza about the other opposing idea. And then you link these two stanzas together line for line. So normally a contrapuntal poem would be best experienced on a page where you could actually see it, but we will try it here where you can hear it.

So I really didn't have a title for this poem, but the theme we were writing from was actually around the same time of year that this episode is being released. So we were writing this poem during the fall. It was leading into Thanksgiving holiday time. And so the concept that we were supposed to explore was in the one stanza, explore the idea of feast, and in the other stanza explore the idea of famine, and then you take the lines and sort of intertwine them. So you read the one stanza, you read the second stanza, and then your third stanza is the two stanzas combined line for line.

We come to the table full of Dad's smoked turkey and Mom's cornbread dressing, yams, and greens. Say grace, say what you are thankful for, and when it is your turn, say a scripture and pray no one has already said "Jesus wept." Little kids eat first. Who will fix grandma's plate? Did you fix your man's plate? Did she fix your man's plate? Eat, drink, be merry, be full. Watch football. Fix a to-go plate to remember them by.

Can skeleton-thin relationships still hold hands? Love can still be very hungry at a family dinner where the table is full. Deserts don't have nothing on the parched way we communicate. We have left each other wanting with the gnawing sound of malnourished marriages. When a mentality of poverty teaches you to parent, you raise your babies to believe they should only accept the scraps they are given. They should only want leftovers somebody else has already chewed through. Besides, filling your belly will only leave you empty anyway.

Welcome to the table. Can skeleton-thin relationships still hold hands full of Dad's smoked turkey? Love can still be very hungry, and Mom's cornbread dressing, yams, and greens at a family dinner, say grace, say what you are thankful for. Where the table is full and when it is your turn, deserts don't have nothing on the parched way we communicate. Say a scripture we have left each other wanting, and pray no one has already said "Jesus wept." With the gnawing sound of malnourished marriages, little kids eat first. When a mentality of poverty teaches you to parent, who will fix grandma's plate?

You raise your babies. Did you fix your man's plate to believe they should only accept the scraps they are given? Did she fix your man's plate? They should only want the leftovers. Eat, drink, be merry, be full. Watch football somebody else has already chewed through. Fix a to-go plate to remember them by. Besides, filling your belly will only leave you empty anyway.

Okay, question six. "What is your creative process like these days? What genres or art forms are you prioritizing?" I'm going to be honest and say that the last two years have been really difficult for me, and there was a long period of time where I wasn't writing at all. So a part of my writing process and creative process has been returning to writing. I don't know if any of you have ever been through something so hard that even doing the creative thing that you loved is painful to return to. That's kind of what my writing process has been like. I feel like I had to slowly find my way back to the page.

And I'll say, a larger part of my process that's been really helpful is reading. I feel like I've always been a reader, and I know if you're a writer listening, you always hear the advice about reading and then you're like, "Yikes, I'm so tired of hearing it." But I know that it's true. I know that when you read well that you write better. I know that's true, even if you read a book that's not great, that will still help you be a better writer. But when it literally comes to the time that I actually physically sit down to write, I don't normally read during those times, and my initial return to try and write again, I picked two or three books.

Right now I'm reading Black Women Writers at Work. I'm reading through Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way, and I'm reading through Tricia Hersey's Rest Is Resistance. And I'm also reading through R. Eric Thomas's Here For It, as well as DaMaris Hill's, I think it's, I'm going to get the name of her book wrong, so I'll look it up to try to make sure I get it right for y'all. But I'm reading one of DaMaris Hill's poetry books, which has been really, really good.

So pretty much when I started wanting, actually having the feeling where I wanted to write... Oh, here it is. The book of hers that I'm reading is called A Bound Woman is a Dangerous Thing. That's the poetry book by DaMaris Hill that I'm reading. And I want to give a shout-out to The Watering Hole, which is a poetry retreat that I went on last year, and I went there last year almost feeling like, "Oh my gosh, I'm going to this poetry retreat and I'm struggling to even write." But I think being in an environment where you're just sort of writing on the spot for a week really helped me get back in the groove.

At first I couldn't write, I would just read, and then I would have to go do something else. And then I got to where I could read for a certain amount of time and then I could write for 10 minutes. And then I worked my way up to where I could write sometimes 30 minutes, sometimes an hour. I don't think I've written longer than an hour at a time still. So I think that's a little bit of an example of where my writing process is. There used to be a lot of music and jazz and stuff, and there's really been a lot more reading other work and then taking time to read poems I'm still working on out loud.

I am working on a few other things that are not poetry. So some of that is trying to watch other genres of things, like I'm working on a project with some other creative folks that's a musical. So having to study a bit more the form of the musical and know a little bit more about that. The other part of the question is, "What genres or art forms are you prioritizing?" Oh, one other thing I'll say about my creative process, though, is I'm also doing a bit of events, because I am the chapter host for Creative Mornings Atlanta. So I think collaboration, I would say, is a much bigger part of my creative process than it used to be. I used to be very much a lone creator, like, I'm writing a poem, I'm writing a poem in my office by myself. If I'm working on it for a client or something, maybe I send it over to them, maybe they give their feedback, but it's not really like we're collaborating on the project.

And so I think in this season of time, I have opened myself up to be in more collaborative environments, which I think is really, really helpful because first of all, then it's not all on you to make the writing or whatever. I mean, typically what I'm doing mostly is writing, but even in the case of working on events and curating environments and things like that, it's not all on me. I actually have other folks whose expertise and talents and gifts that I can lean on as well. So I think collaboration is a much bigger part of my creative process now. And what genres or art forms am I prioritizing? I think I'm still prioritizing poetry in two ways, in writing poetry and in getting ready for stage as well.

I am prioritizing storytelling. In some ways it's dishonest for me to say that I accidentally became a storyteller, because that really isn't true. I came from a family of storytellers who may not tell stories professionally, but I come from a family of people who are going to sit down and tell you a story. That's just the truth. But as far as telling stories on stage, that happened to me accidentally for a long time, especially because I was performing sort of God word poetry that would be done in sort of a church environment. So I wasn't doing sets of poems. I would walk up, I would do my poem, they would go back to doing music. So it took me some years to learn how to build a poetry set and how would I get from one poem to the next poem. So that's really what made me, I feel, become an accidental stage storyteller.

I've been participating in The Moth in Atlanta, which has been a really great sharpening ground on how to tell a story on a theme, how to mine the stories in your life and think about that. So I feel like that's definitely a genre or art form that I'm working in right now. And the form of the essay. I really love essays. My last book, How to Fix a Broken Record, was mostly short, kind of punchy essays. And when I was working on that book, I really felt like I was beginning to find my voice and beginning to find the form of poetry that I like. So I am very, very beginnings of working on my next book Idea.

This will be potentially the first book that I will be putting out there that will not be under Christian publishing, which is wild to think, but also really fun. Really fun to think about that. So I've just been sort of writing some beginning essays for that. And really, essays is really same storytelling muscle, but now how you represent that story in a way that someone could read it and get a similar vibe from it as if they were hearing me or watching me on stage. So yeah, those are my answers there.

Most memorable meal at a restaurant. I have to say the meal that I had for my birthday at Gunshow, which is Kevin Gillespie's restaurant here in Atlanta, and if you're a Top Chef fan, Kevin Gillespie was definitely a cast member of Top Chef and one of the few southern chefs that was there. So I really enjoyed getting to have a meal there at his restaurant Gunshow, because I'd wanted to go there for a long time. So Matt took me there for my birthday, which was great.

And my other favorite meal that I've had, but I have to make sure I get it right, it was a collective of chefs here in Atlanta, and maybe they weren't all from Atlanta. I don't think they were all from Atlanta, if I think about it right. But it was a Sunday supper, and it was all Black chefs, and it was inspired by Chef Edna Lewis, who, if y'all have been listening to this podcast or watching other things that I've written, you know that I love Edna Lewis very much and just think that she's so amazing.

Oh, I got it now. Okay, so there's a collective of chefs here in Atlanta called Stolen Goods. And so Stolen Goods as a collective did a Sunday supper meal that was a tribute to Edna Lewis. So some of the dishes were kind of inspired by these things that Edna Lewis put in her various books. And if you're not familiar with Chef Edna Lewis, she was what many people consider to be one of the foremothers of southern cuisine and soul food cuisine as well.

It was just gorgeous food. I mean, field peas and fried chicken. And the one thing that's very central to Chef Edna Lewis's work is that she really believed in farm-to-table before it was even referred to as farm-to-table. She believed in cooking with seasonal foods and figuring out ways you can sort of be more mindful of that. And so that Sunday supper meal was probably one of my last and best, most memorable meals.

And last question. Oh, what is my ideal sandwich? And let me tell y'all something. I'm sure that I've mentioned this here on the podcast, but I am a big fan of sandwiches. If somebody were to be like, "You have an opportunity to have a last meal, what would your last meal be?" For me, it would probably be a sandwich. Probably be a sandwich, the closest to a hoagie that I could get. So my ideal sandwich is definitely that hoagie style, amazing, kind of soft bread.

I like sliced swine on my sandwich. Love a good prosciutto, salami, whatever kind of sliced Italian deli meats that can be there. Really want to participate in that. Love a crisp iceberg lettuce. I feel like you really cannot play games with romaine or any of those other things, arugula. You really don't want to be playing those games on my sandwich. Love a tomato, big shout-out if it's summertime and you're actually getting tomatoes in season or you're getting heirloom tomatoes, love that in a sandwich. Sometimes I really get involved in a good banana pepper on there that can give you that kind of crisp, but a little bit of spice. Sometimes.I just love a good pickle also, but I feel like I'm generally whatever would fall in the category of an Italian grinder sandwich. It's really where it is for me.

I really feel like... Can I tell y'all something funny? I really feel like if I could be myself, but in another metaverse where I had a different job and I was just doing different things, I still think in that other metaverse, I would still be a writer, but maybe it wouldn't show up as poetry. Maybe I would be a sandwich blogger, and I would just blog about all these different sandwiches that I got to eat. That's a side dream life for me, that I just go around the country eating sandwiches and reviewing them and getting to taste all the best sandwiches in America, and then eventually in the world, just being generally a sandwich world traveler. That's still a dream of mine.

Anyways, thank you y'all for asking such great questions and I will see y'all back here on the podcast next week.

HER With Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 130

Amena Brown:

Oh, y'all, welcome back to HER with Amena Brown, and I'm saying this in a very particular way because I'm very excited for us to have our guest today. And this is really long awaited. I'm very glad. I'm very glad that this worked out. So I want y'all to welcome jazz and soul music artist, avid watcher of Sister Sister, yo favorite singer's favorite singa. The Chantae Cann in the building.

Chantae Cann:

Wow.

Amena Brown:

In the building. Y'all, Chantae is my friend. In real life she is my friend. I hug her when I see her. Sometimes we send a very random text to one another.

Chantae Cann:

Come on now. You've been my counselor.

Amena Brown:

Listen.

Chantae Cann:

Listen. Don't lead the people astray now.

Amena Brown:

That's right.

Chantae Cann:

Give them the truth now.

Amena Brown:

That's right.

Chantae Cann:

You've been my counselor now.

Amena Brown:

I did. We have had some times. We have had some moments where we had to just-

Chantae Cann:

And we thank the Lord.

Amena Brown:

... hold each other up. We had to do that. And I love me some Chantae Cann music as well. I really will be at the show. Matt and I actually got a chance to see Chantae, not the last time that you did show in Atlanta because I was very cry, tears, sad that I was booked out of town or Matt and I would've been there. Maybe Matt would've had to work. I would've been there with my hand, the concert hand. I would've been there doing that. Your show before that in Atlanta. Matt and I got to come... And this actually brings up other questions I want to ask you. Woo. Not me talking to Chantae for three hours. Okay. This is a thousand things I'm trying to talk to you about.

Chantae Cann:

I got time.

Amena Brown:

But we have seen you as our friend and as an amazing music artist too. And it was very dope after all of the years of the pandemic, for those of us who are stage people, whether that's performing or just loving live music. I just love live music. I just love to go see people doing their thing and to have seen you after all those years. And I was like, "Chantae really went home during the time of the pandemic and just got even more dope somehow. Just even more dope." I love that. For you and me.

Chantae Cann:

Thank you, Amena. I really appreciate that. You already know, it's an honor to be here with you. It's always a good time talking with you whether we're being recorded or not.

Amena Brown:

That's right.

Chantae Cann:

And both times are amazing and hilarious, so thank you for having me. We go back. I don't even want to say how many years because I can't do that kind of math anymore. You know the kids, they do the new math?

Amena Brown:

They are doing new math.

Chantae Cann:

Whereas fast math, like a little shortcut.

Amena Brown:

But if we told you all the years.

Chantae Cann:

It's been a long time.

Amena Brown:

It's been a minute. It's been a minute. But I love that for us. I love that for us, I'm very happy about this.

Chantae Cann:

Many didn't make it. They didn't make it past the mark.

Amena Brown:

And we're still here.

Chantae Cann:

But we are here.

Amena Brown:

That's it.

Chantae Cann:

Still walking in our gifts, still walking in our purpose, still walking in our calling and still connected in the creative community, so that is what I am most excited about talking with you specifically about.

Amena Brown:

Yes, Chantae. And I thought it would be fun y'all if Chantae and I could talk a little bit about musical firsts because I love to talk to people about these things. Obviously depending on the person's age, if you're talking about first album or LP or cassette or CD, you have all sorts of things. But you can learn a lot about a person based on those musical firsts. I wanted to ask you some of these, Chantae, do you recall the first CD that you purchased? You remember buying it with your money, you went in the store, you ordered it online. Do you remember that? What would be in the first five of CDs that you ever were like, "I love this music so much, I need to take my money and pay for it."

Chantae Cann:

Okay, so there's a combination of scenarios that this would've happened. One, I either begged my daddy to get this for me. It was like that in between time, me having my money and me not having my money or me being like, "Ah, ne ne." So I won't have to spend my little $20 or whatever. So I think there was a combination of those things, but okay. And this is no judgment zone, guys.

Amena Brown:

No, that's right. That's right. That's right.

Chantae Cann:

Okay. So, okay. Some of them are non judgey, but the one that I asked my dad to buy in particular was hilarious. Okay. Okay. Let's start with the one that I got for myself, and I remember specifically one of them was Erykah Badu, Baduizm.

Amena Brown:

Yes.

Chantae Cann:

(Singing) man that album bless me so much. [inaudible 00:05:22]. This was news to me, but it just made me feel so amazing. There was so many good songs on there and I was like, "This is such a unique sound. I've never heard anybody sound like this ever." At least in the years that I existed at the time that the album came out. I was like, "What is this?" But it's working. That little right open. I'm saying, and she learned how to make it her own. And it was something that you either loved or were extremely irritated by. And there are times where I feel both. There are times where I feel both not even going to hold you.

However, it set a precedent for me because it... I don't know. The live music just really spoke to me on that record. I'm like all these words and I'm looking on the CD list with the words on it.

Amena Brown:

Come on CD jacket. You had to take that thing out. Open it up.

Chantae Cann:

If we don't have those words, we're going to make up something. And I was like, "Wow." She's saying a lot of things in here. And I wasn't even like a lyrics person back then, but just to read along and sing along to what she was doing and how she expressed that. It really touched me in a way. I said, "Ooh, I can get with it. I can definitely get with this." I remember around that same time... I don't even know if this was for Musicality, but this just what was out when that was happening. (Singing). Anyway, you know that single by 702.

Amena Brown:

Come on 702. Come on.

Chantae Cann:

I think it was off The Good Burger soundtrack. I don't know. But yeah, that was a good time back then. I think Total was out back then.

Amena Brown:

That was a time for R&B. That was a time. I thank you for bringing that. Thank you for bringing that.

Chantae Cann:

The album that I asked my dad to buy, and I'm so surprised that he bought it for me. I was just like, "Oh, okay, you" That's when I knew he was woke for real back then. And I was like, "Oh, okay." So Biggie Smalls-

Amena Brown:

Say what? Chantae, say what?

Chantae Cann:

I think Life After Death. What's the name? The Black and White? I was just like, "Wait a second." I don't don't know if it was After Death, it-

Amena Brown:

It had a baby on it. It's had the baby on it. That had the white background. Let me find that out.

Chantae Cann:

Okay, so maybe it wasn't that one. It was the one... Dang. I don't know. He had a single on there with Bone Thugs and Harmony.

Amena Brown:

I remember this. Okay.

Chantae Cann:

It was a black CD.

Amena Brown:

It was Ready To Die or it was Life After Death.

Chantae Cann:

I think it was Ready To Die, guys. what's the one on there where it's like... Oh, I don't even want to say the words. I'm not going to do it.

Amena Brown:

Please. Okay.

Chantae Cann:

The world is filled. Blank, blank, blank, blank. (Singing).

Amena Brown:

Yes. Life After Death. This the one that had the hearse. Wow.

Chantae Cann:

(Singing) That's on there. I'm going to digress. But my dad bought it for me and I was really shocked. I was like, "Oh, okay. What else can I get him to buy me?" I was trying to figure it out. I was trying to finesse.

Amena Brown:

You really got your daddy to buy you the Notorious BIG Life after Death. Chantae, wow. Wow.

Chantae Cann:

I Don't know.

Amena Brown:

I got to give it up to you there.

Chantae Cann:

Had I had a child in that day, I don't think I would've done the same thing. I said, I think either he care or he's just really woke or he trusts me with it. And I said, okay. Well, but I don't know. It was just something about that hip hop era that even is an influence on me now. And not necessarily all of the negative parts of it or all of the... Because it could go either way. So I wasn't trying to be this hardcore gangster girl, but I did live in the south side of Chicago for many years where there was lots of gang activity surrounding me. So it wasn't farfetched that that is what was happening in the culture, but I was just moved by the rhythm. And I remember Outkast came out around that time and I would try to make up the words. I'm like, "What is he saying to this little beat?" I was influenced by it at a very young age, and so it still plays a part in my artistry today. So honorable mention to those guys.

Amena Brown:

I really love this story. I love so much that this is the album that your dad got for you. I also feel that if you were growing up in the nineties, you have at least one parental slip. There's one moment that you can be like, "Wow, I'm not sure that my parent was supposed to let me see this or let me listen to this." My mom's parental nineties slip was Jason's Lyric. She was like, "We need to go see a movie. Let's go see this movie together."

And there I am in the movie with my mama looking at Alan Payne's Hairy Behind. And we both were surprised. We both were in for a moment. I think she was like, "My child's a teenager. Let me take her here. She's not quite an adult, but she's getting old. Let me take her to have this moment." And then we both got in there and had to watch Alan Payne and Jada Pinkett, now Jada Pinkett Smith in this field of flowers. That was my mom's one that I was like, I'm not sure if that was a, here I have evolved as a parent, or if she really just didn't know. Right. She didn't know. She got in the movie and was like, "What have I done? Why did I bring my child to this?"

Chantae Cann:

Did you guys stay for the end? Were you committed? Okay. She was like, "I paid my money. We going to stay."

Amena Brown:

I think we watched the entire film, and I will say about my mom, we're people who want to really discuss art. We'll go to a film and want to discuss it. So I feel like we went and ate some food after that and discussed everything except his hairy butt. You know what I'm saying? We just, the whole sex scene got left out.

Chantae Cann:

That's off the table.

Amena Brown:

We didn't talk about that. I called my friends later and was like, y'all would believe my mom took me to see Jason's Lyric and they were like, "Jason's Lyric? Yo mama?" Yeah, she-

Chantae Cann:

Yo, that is insane. Wow. That's insane. Yeah, and I appreciate your mom for that because you are who you are because of that experience.

Amena Brown:

Okay, I'm here now. I'm here. I learned too.

Chantae Cann:

You're just a little more well-rounded.

Amena Brown:

A little more learned. A little more learned. Love that for me. Also, my first CD that I purchased myself was either TLC's, Ooooooohhh... On the TLC Tip or it was SWV SWV because I think their first album was self-titled, it was one of those two. Both are great. Both were great. Both had a lot of neon color involved in the actual CD itself. As well as the CD jacket. Yes. Yes. Nails, lots of denim. It was a lot of loud primary colors involved.

Chantae Cann:

Asymmetricals.

Amena Brown:

Very, very much that Big hats on the TLC album cover, condoms all over the place. It was a time. It was a time.

Chantae Cann:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

It was a time. Okay. Now let me ask you about your first concert. And I know you and I both share the background of being people who grew up in church. So whenever people ask me this question, I have two answers, Chantae, because my first concert was in church. It was not in a concert hall, it was not at a venue. My first for real concert was inside the church. And so it depends on where I'm at, Chantae. I'm trying to gaze, I'm trying to gauge who is here in the room that will understand me saying my first actual concert was Dawkins and Dawkins, which is a Christian soul-

Chantae Cann:

And I love Dawkins and Dawkins, and I love that too.

Amena Brown:

They were my first live show that was some real good old gospel R&B type music. Really enjoyed that. And then we hate it. We love it. But my first actual, for real, in my mind, for real concert that I could say to most people, but now not, is Kanye West. I saw Kanye West for $5.

Chantae Cann:

Wow.

Amena Brown:

I saw Kanye West for $5 with a singer that we didn't know was John Legend. It was before anybody knew who John Legend was.

Chantae Cann:

Wow.

Amena Brown:

It was Kanye West and John Legend for $5 at Centennial Olympic Park. These were my two-

Chantae Cann:

Are you kidding me right now?

Amena Brown:

Yeah, for real. For real. We were really like, "Man, who's the singer? This is amazing, man. I wonder where he comes from."

Chantae Cann:

That is so cool. Right? Who are these people?

Amena Brown:

It's like two years later we were like... Get Lifted, came out. We were like, "We saw him for $5 with Kanye West?"

Chantae Cann:

Yeah. That is unheard of. We don't do no $5 nothing, no more. Taxes ain't even $5.

Amena Brown:

No, not even a drink in the venue is $5.

Chantae Cann:

I can't. Wow.

Amena Brown:

So do you have dual stories? Was your actual first concert in church or no. And I would love to hear that one if you feel so led to share. And then do you have a concert that was outside of church that was your first concert experience?

Chantae Cann:

Yes. So honestly, I don't even remember my first gospel concert until years, years later. I was probably in Atlanta and I was probably just... Yeah, it wasn't one of those things where I had to go because my parents or whatever. It was just whatever people I was with at the time went to whatever gospel concert. And honestly, I really don't even remember the gospel one back then. I don't. I do know that my mom used to go to the Stellar Awards and she would bring me back these little goodie bags with tapes, and one of those tapes was Dawkins and Dawkins, girl. I was like, "Ooh."

Amena Brown:

That was some good music.

Chantae Cann:

Had Dawkins and Dawkins. I think Jay Moss was on one. Joanne Rosario was on a couple. That was always a treat. So I was very privy to the Dawkins and Dawkins. But yeah, it spoke to me. But before that, when I was in Chicago, because me and my friends, girl, we were obsessed, absolutely obsessed with Immature.

Amena Brown:

Yes, yes.

Chantae Cann:

Yes, and it was a mess. All on the walls, all on the room, all in my notebooks at school. Immature, Immature. We were literally obsessed. And so that was the first real concert that we went to in Chicago. I don't even remember where it was, but it was there. I was like, "Oh."

Amena Brown:

Was it the entire group? Did you have certain members of the group that you were really like... When I loved the boys... I loved the boys, but I really... It was Hakeem for me. So did you have a member of Immature that that was like your person?

Chantae Cann:

So I'm still this way, but I was way more this way back in the day. Okay, because everybody was obsessed with the pretty boy Romeo. Everybody was obsessed with Batman. I chose to love LDB because he was the lesser of the two.

Amena Brown:

The underdog.

Chantae Cann:

I ain't got to worry about everybody being obsessed over him. I could have him to myself. I ain't got to worry about all that energy because people ain't going to be fighting over here, and that's why I chose to love him.

Amena Brown:

You wanted to give the underdog some love, Chantae. I feel that.

Chantae Cann:

Maybe this has traveled with me through the ages, just displays in different ways. But I say, I remember specifically being like, "Oh my God, everybody's on these guys. I'm just going to... And I'm going to be okay with that. I'm going to stay in my lane." So yeah, we had our own little triunity of Immature worship. I was like, "Oh my God." The daydreams. Yeah. So I even had this... This is so silly. I even had this letter that I never sent to... I was supposed to send it to the fan club or somebody, but I never sent it out. I just kept it just for my own obsessive nature. Just to look at it. I laminated with this little clear tape girl. I was cutting out these little hearts, these little hole punchers that punch out hearts. I added that to the mix. I was very crafty back then. I think I got it from my grandma, but I never sent it. But I kept it for my own memories.

Amena Brown:

I love this so much. I first of all, thank you for referencing a fan club because how else could you get in touch with artists that you love back then?

Chantae Cann:

You have to write the president of the fan club.

Amena Brown:

... the fan club, I definitely-

Chantae Cann:

The internet was barely popping.

Amena Brown:

Period. I definitely sent two letters to Janet Jackson's fan club with my school pictures. I wish that I would've done what you did though, and kept that so that I would be like, "What are you writing to her? What are you wanting her to know about your life? Are you telling her about school?" I don't remember what I said. I just remember I was just like, "Dear Janet..." And I remember I cut my little school picture out.

Chantae Cann:

That's so sweet.

Amena Brown:

Slid it in there. But that was the only thing you could do. You had to put it in an envelope and mail it.

Chantae Cann:

A whole envelope with a stamp on there. You got to have to lick the stamp.

Amena Brown:

To the fan club.

Chantae Cann:

With the little adhesive, you had to lick bad boy.

Amena Brown:

You had to lick the stamp and the envelope. That's a lot. That was really a lot that we were put through during that time. That was a lot.

Chantae Cann:

A lot.

Amena Brown:

That was a lot for us. Wow. We survived that though. Wow.

Chantae Cann:

That's another generation.

Amena Brown:

Shout out to you writing to the fan club. I love that. Okay. Let me ask you about, do you have a first music centered movie that you loved and I'm leaving room for if you are a person who loves musicals, it could be that. Or it could be a movie that you remember loving the soundtrack almost as much as you loved the movie. Or it could be a movie also... I think Purple Rain is a good example of that, right? That it's not a musical, it's not a biopic, but it is a movie where music is very central. So can you think of an early movie in your life that you loved because of its music?

Chantae Cann:

This is very tough for me because my brain is maybe 50 different places. I could just be naming all kind of random, Waiting To Exhale.

Amena Brown:

That's a very solid soundtrack there. That's a very solid, that's good stuff.

Chantae Cann:

I don't even think I saw a movie until years later, but I definitely heard the music first. Count on me through thick and thin. (Singing)

Amena Brown:

I mean Whitney and Brandy and CeCe Winans.

Chantae Cann:

Oh yeah. That period. It was like, "Okay, cool. I see you guys. I see you guys out here." Yeah, so that's just a vague memory for me of a soundtrack that I listen to a lot. There was a song by this girl named Billy Lawrence-

Amena Brown:

That was on that soundtrack?

Chantae Cann:

It was like this white girl, but she was kind of hip hoppy.

Amena Brown:

Oh, let me find out. Billy Lawrence.

Chantae Cann:

Like, (Singing) I remember one of my best friends used to be obsessed with her as well. I think it was on the soundtrack or on a special edition. Is Billy somebody. But it was like, yeah.

Amena Brown:

I'm going to find out. I'm going to do the research because now you-

Chantae Cann:

Do the research. That's all I got right now until something hits me minutes later and I'm like, "Ooh, I forgot about this."

Amena Brown:

You got me going down the rabbit hole.

Chantae Cann:

That's what I got for right now.

Amena Brown:

I'm going to think about that. I'm going to think about that some more. I'm trying to figure out what would I say is the earliest... It's interesting what you said though about Waiting To Exhale as a film because I feel like there was an era between the late eighties and mid-nineties where there were soundtracks that were either equally as big to people as the film or what you said is spot on. The soundtrack reached you younger than you were old enough to watch the movie. That the soundtrack was actually that excellent. I actually went back and re watched Waiting To Exhale as an adult woman because I'm pretty sure I was too young to be watching it the first time.

So I went back and watched it and was like, "This soundtrack is almost impeccable." It's just track for track, the whole thing. Man, by the time everyone falls in love sometime, I was like, "Oh, girl."

Chantae Cann:

Oh man. Listen, anything Whitney is going to be a great time. It is like epic every time. Epic, every single time.

Amena Brown:

Really took me to a place. Speaking of albums, as a music artist who has now made multiple albums, you are in the process of working on what is going to be your next album. How do you know when you're getting the beginning of an album idea? Do you typically have a way the album idea comes to you, or is it that the songs tend to come to you and then as they accumulate, you start to think this maybe is becoming an album?

Chantae Cann:

Okay, so both of those things are very true and often happen all the time. Well, myself especially. So I'll get pieces here, pieces there, pieces here, pieces there, and then sometimes this piece that I thought wasn't going to be anything turns into a main thing because maybe I found somebody to collab on it or I found an elevated track. So it's beyond what I was originally thinking. So now I'm like, "Okay, let's leave no stones unturned and nothing wasted." So I have a list of song titles in my notes on my phone, and sometimes I go back to them and say, "I need to write a song called this, because that's how I feel, that's what I feel I'm being called to express in this season."

And then there are times when I just hear dope tracks or somebody will send me something or I'll be vibing with somebody musically and I'm like, "Ooh." And then I just start singing or speaking or flowing or whatever. And I'm just creating that vibe in the moment on the spot with that other individual.

Sometimes I'll have dreams of songs in my head and then I'll wake up and literally record a crazy behind voice memo sounding all kind of groggy and just crazy. I literally hear all the instrumentation in my dream. That's what happened with a couple songs on this new album. So there's a few different ways. And then as far as let's say the name of the album, I really just brainstorm, brainstorm, brainstorm, and I'm like, "Okay, Lord, what would you like to speak in this season?" And I'm very, very led that way. And then I just write all these words and something may just speak to me just because I'm looking at all the words and how they fit together and how they make me feel and how they relate to my truth. And so yeah, it's an amalgamation of all of those things that literally make up a whole piece of work. So yeah, that's my story.

Amena Brown:

I'm always fascinated in speaking with music artists about the process of albums because the closest I come to that as a poet... I have done albums as a poet too, but I think I did them differently than a lot of my friends who are music artists describe, because I really just had a backlog of poems that I sort of needed. Back in the day when you could really make money selling CDs at your merch table. That was a time.

Chantae Cann:

Oh my God. (Singing)

Amena Brown:

That was a time, y'all. You could really make a CD for less than-

Chantae Cann:

You just got the burning the disc. Two seconds ago putting on a little cover in a little-

Amena Brown:

Slide it.

Chantae Cann:

If you had a sticker and a case.

Amena Brown:

Boy, boy.

Chantae Cann:

You really [inaudible 00:26:54].

Amena Brown:

Listen.

Chantae Cann:

Yeah, this is worth what I'm charging.

Amena Brown:

Cost you less than $2 to make it. You could charge 10, $15. We was making so much money at the merch table, Chantae.

Chantae Cann:

You should bootleg this all day and I wouldn't even know. There was no way to tell if you're bootlegging or not. And if you are, that's probably helping me.

Amena Brown:

Right? Getting the word out. Getting the word out at that time. That's the thing. That's the thing.

That was the time. So I was like, I made those albums, but I didn't actually have the creative process that you described of when you're not going there to just need to package some merch together so you can have merch for this thing, but you're actually thinking as a creative work, you're looking at the album and thinking about what your soul wants to say. What do you feel like the work itself wants to be? So I'm always fascinated to hear about that process. So let me ask at the end of the process, because I also hear from music artists that you could have way more songs than will actually make it on the album in the end.

Chantae Cann:

And you can't be mad. You can't be mad.

Amena Brown:

So how do you know when it's done? When the album is finished? Is there typically a feeling that you have inside or is it process of elimination because you've been in the process of writing songs, you can see the idea germinating and you can see which songs fit and which ones don't. How does that process typically go?

Chantae Cann:

Okay, so in my current today outlook on that, there are a couple of things that I am factoring in now. Because society has changed, technology has changed, the attention spans of the people have changed. So there were a couple of times... So let's just take this last album that I'm working on, that I'm finishing as an example. At first I had maybe in total, there was a possible maybe 13 to 15 tracks that I felt very strongly about, included a couple of interludes, a couple of this, a couple of that.

And so when we were shopping distribution labels and some other people that was going to help fund some things, they were like, "Okay, this is great. All of this is great. This is amazing. However, in today's society, there is a sweet spot of album tracks." And for streaming, they were saying the sweet spot is like 10 tracks.

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Chantae Cann:

Between eight to 10 tracks because people's attention span is very, very short. If it's over 10 tracks, you're really not making any money off of the additional two because whatever the... I don't know how it works out, but yeah, there's a theory that if you make over 10, you're really not making anything from the extra two because they count something, something, something. I don't know.

So I'm taking all that into consideration. And so I did scale back on a couple songs, but it ended up working really, really well. So it just allowed me to really get those 10 songs and honestly, okay, it's 10 songs, but maybe two interludes. So 12 tracks in total. 10 full songs, however you want to slice it, that's up to you and yours. But it just allowed me to really, really fine tune those records, dedicate the proper attention that they require that they deserve. So yeah, even though I was like, oh, okay, I see what you're saying. But yeah, it was like everywhere we went, they had that say. So yeah, that's where I am now. I am doing a volume one and a volume two, so anything that's not being used, boo boo, is going to go on the next record. You know what I'm saying?

Amena Brown:

I was wondering about that. It's very interesting to hear you describe... Especially being an artist who cares about the concept of your album and how the songs collect together, that you want there to be some sense of synergy there and that as an artist in the market now, having to consider certain things that are more... For us as artists, that'll be more on the business side of thought, but that you have to consider them even in how you may decide to make your creative work. But it definitely was coming to my mind thinking, okay, if you're an artist who's in the mindset of, you're used to making albums that had 15 tracks, and it's like that would really help you because if your mind is automatically going to make -15-

Chantae Cann:

I can say those next time.

Amena Brown:

Right. I'm like, "you have all sorts of-"

Chantae Cann:

I say, okay, how many more do you want me to cut?

Amena Brown:

That sounds fantastic. And I will say for artists that I love and have listened to their newest albums that have probably come out in the last two or three years, I have noticed them being shorter. But as a music fan and a person who loves to go to live shows, it puts me in the position of want more. It puts me to be like, "Ooh, that was so good. I have to see that when this person's tour comes to Atlanta. I have to be there for the next part two of this album idea." And so I hope that even though for those of us who are really music heads, it's hard to think that people's attention spans are shorter when music is amazing, that can be hard for me.

Chantae Cann:

Because we can listen forever and ever and ever. Amen.

Amena Brown:

I'm like, "What are we doing with the Songs in the Key of Life? What about that?"

Chantae Cann:

That's a whole day's worth of music.

Amena Brown:

This was amazing. But I hope that it produces in people who love music, a desire to want more from the artists they love to want more of that next record to want more of getting to see how that shows up in a live set too. This is the other thing that came to my mind when you were talking earlier.

Chantae Cann:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

Also, I want to ask you about how you feel you have developed what Chantae Cann as the performer is on stage, and I've seen you perform in various environments and as your music and you have evolved and broadened and all these things. And that last show that I saw, Chantae Cann the sense of... I don't even know if confidence is the right word, I want to say Chantae, it's a sense of mastery is, what I think is the word that's in my mind more, that it takes a certain something when you're there in the writing phase and in the recording part.

But what is the gap between you have finished recording this music, you are now like, "Now I got to get this music ready for stage and I got to get it ready for stage to where I feel comfortable going in and out of it however I like." What's the process of how you get yourself to that? You were so comfortable up there and that makes the audience feel so at ease with you because we know where you're going. So all I got to do is follow you. I don't have to be in the crowd like, "Is everything okay? Is this supposed to be like this? I don't know." So what's the process like of recording and page and writing and how that transforms for you on stage?

Chantae Cann:

That is a amazing question. And it's so funny that you asked that in this current season of my life because, so I just recently, not even at the show that you saw me at, but literally within the past couple of weeks I got connected with a artist developer, and I got connected with somebody who's going to help me get into acting and film and just expand my artistic nature to wherever it can go. Because I really feel like there's something there. There's something that's pulling me to the arts. I just don't have any for real, for real training or I just know what I know and I know what comes natural and I know what I feel, but I just don't know, I haven't gone to school for it. So there's an artist developer that I just recently started working with.

There are these coaches that have been helping me get my live show, the new show together because the old show... Because I've done it forever ish, forever E, I can be comfortable in that. And it wasn't always that way as somebody who's dealt with anxiety pretty much their whole entire life, the stage for me, there were parts of it that were my safety and also my safety lied in jam sessions with the live musicians. My safety lied in, not necessarily, Ooh, I'm performing, but it lied in, Oh me and this musician are having this amazing musical conversation. We're coming up with this on the spot, improv, improv, improv. Because that was my strong suit, and I was just learning my own voice when I was first coming out as an artist.

I remember doing full shows that were all improv, and it was just like, "Okay, and oh, people are still here. Okay, cool." Now I just have to be more intentional about those moments because, it should not be for the whole entire show. But at that moment, that is what soothed me. That is what lessened my anxiety. So I stayed there a lot and I based a lot of my shows off of that. Now, I do remember there being a transition where I wanted to intentionally say, "Hey, let's do a set list. Let's make it amazing. Let's do the covers that I love to do. Let's do it my way and let's do my interpretation of it. Oh, let me be inspired by this musician here, this musician there. So I was around musicians all the time. I was around singers all the time. We were shedding vocals all the time nonstop. That really, really helped me. That was my safe place too.

And so getting all of that ready for stage and for it to be translated well, it just takes doing it over and over and over again and walking in that confidence that you talked about, because I still have to intentionally walk in it. I still have to be intentional about walking in that, but rehearsing, practicing by myself when there's no singers around me, having those moments that has been so helpful to me. It's helped keep my vocals warm, it's helped keep my chops up or whatever. My performance, my stamina, all the things kind of have been preparing me to make the show what it's supposed to be. So that's kind of things that I've been working on subconsciously and now more intentionally with the artist development. And I never had artist development like Mimi was my vocal coach.

Mimi, that's my big sister, she was that for me when I didn't even know what that was at the time. So yeah, there are still areas in which I know can be improved as far as connecting and being intentional about every single moment and looking confident and feeling confident and not just, "Let me hide in this." Or "Let me hide in this." Coming out of that hiding. So yeah, I appreciate you for bringing that up.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, you spoke some words there, because I really admire what you described about your process, especially in this season of times. I think as stage performers, there is a vulnerability to start building the new show. I feel like I'm in that zone a little bit too, where I know as a performer, I know this story right here, it kill every time. So I know I can throw it in. But when you're building the new set, there's a lot you're still trying to figure out how it works. Does it work? Do I want to transition from this to that way? And that can have a certain vulnerability because you're not guaranteed that the audience will respond to it the way you may have imagined. And some of it may take time of you doing it on stage several times before you get it to where you love it. But if you can do that, then you have fresh material, fresh art that an audience can experience with you. So it's worth that process, but it is uncomfortable in some regards-

Chantae Cann:

Yes, with my tab, like, "Oh my God."

Amena Brown:

Right, that part. You also brought up a really excellent point too, of being able to bring in other experts, other people that can help broaden you, can help strengthen some of those muscles in you can help you to see yourself beyond what you may know of what you think you can do on stage or what you think you can do in your profession.

And it's so powerful, and that's a vulnerable thing too, to have to bring in other people and let them look at you from the outside looking in and to take in the... Not criticism, but the feedback that they may give you. And it may not all be how brilliant you are or how dope it is. It may be like, "Hey, you might want to think about this that the third." And you have to humbly process that with the end goal being that you hope to really put on the best that your present you, in this moment, not a past you, but the you, you are right now. That's the goal is to put that out there, put the best you right now. But that does mean you got to take in some things and try to fix some things.

Chantae Cann:

Yeah. Firstly, I definitely cried. I was like, "Oh my God."

Amena Brown:

Why you didn't just tell me I'm amazing. I thought that's what our session was going to be. You didn't do that.

Chantae Cann:

The funny thing is that's exactly what the lady said. She was like, "I know you're used to everybody telling you that you're the bee's knees and you're this and this, and you are that. However, we need to go higher. You need to have people around you that are going to give you healthy, constructive criticism. It's our job to do that. We've been doing this for years. We've been doing this for A, B and C people. That's what we are here for. We are a safe place. We know there's potential in you. We know that it's even greater potential and we don't want you hiding anymore."

And so a lot of places where I lived was inside of my head. And so when I'm performing for the artist development session, I'm in my head because it's like this one-on-one, it's like a small group. Once again I'm like, "Oh, okay, cool." If I was at a show, I would be way more comfortable in my element.

I can hide behind the band. I can hide behind the music. I can hide behind this. I can hide behind that. But their thing was, "We know you can sing. That's not the issue here. This is not a singing class. This is something to where it can be translated. And wherever you go, people are going to look at you and say, she's been working on this. Theater people will look at you and say, oh, well, let's get her for this musical. Well, she has a wonderful voice, but how is she with this and how is she with that?"

So it's helping me hone in on those things and get outside of my head and just be not concentrate on, oh, I got to hit this right now. Oh, I got to hit this right note. I got to hit this right note. And so I was like, "Oh, okay, because you're all in my business right now."

Amena Brown:

That's the thing. You really got to lessen people all in.

Chantae Cann:

You look like you're trying to sing the right note. I said, "Oh, okay. I'm sorry."

Amena Brown:

I didn't want to look like I was trying. I wanted to do it. I didn't want-

Chantae Cann:

I want to hit the right note sometimes. But they were like, "You can't think about that." It was just really, it helped me put some things in perspective.

Amena Brown:

Right.

Chantae Cann:

I'm excited, y'all.

Amena Brown:

Speaking of perspective, the streets are talking that there is a Chantae Cann documentary in the works. Are you able to speak to the things the streets are saying, Chantae?

Chantae Cann:

Absolutely. I love the streets sometimes because they be watching.

Amena Brown:

They do. They be watching and talking.

Chantae Cann:

They be watching. Some streets is cool, some streets-

Amena Brown:

Some not.

Chantae Cann:

I'm cool on. But these streets I can trust right now. So yes, those streets that you are referring to are talking about a documentary that I am working on. It's been a while since I've started. I'm going to go out on the limb and say I started... This was birthed maybe in 2015. So it's been a long journey for it to be from there to where it is now. So this documentary is about Huntington's Disease awareness and how that relates to my story, how that relates to my life, how that relates to my journey as an artist, as an individual. I can't say the name because we've said it already. So it's called Beautiful Brave, which is the name of one of the singles on the new album.

Amena Brown:

Oh, I love that.

Chantae Cann:

Thank you. And basically Beautiful Brave... So I'll just say the lyrics of the song. So beautiful, brave, got to get up, get up and say, I'm scared, but I'm going to do it anyway. Do it afraid. Got to get up, get up, say I'm scared, but I'm going to do it anyway. And so it's just speaking to the craziness of life that ensued when I was finding more out about Huntington's, when I was dealing with people in my family with it, when I went to go get tested, my own self. So I'm bringing people along for that journey as well as spreading awareness for people who have no idea what Huntington's is. But overall, I want it to relate to anybody across the globe, whether you're an artist dealing with a specific thing or somebody that may be dealing with something, a sickness an illness, something that is just outside their control. How do you brave through it? And how does you being brave turn into something beautiful?

And so that's the inspiration behind it. And we're looking to release it sometime next year. We're talking to some distribution now, but going through some first drafts. And so yeah, we're kind of in the final processes of that. So I'm very excited about that.

Amena Brown:

Oh my gosh, that sounds amazing, Chantae, it sounds amazing on a lot of levels. Amazing for you to be sharing a story that's personal to you, that I know is going to mean a lot to a lot of people. To hear the journey that you have been on. It's amazing in that way. And it's amazing to embark on taking your story into your own hands and to say, "This is the story I want to tell. This is the way that I want to tell it."

And for us as artists, and in particularly as Black women, as people of color who are artists, to be able to take our own stories and say, "This is the way we want it to be told." It's so powerful. So y'all make sure y'all be on the lookout. And speaking of the lookout, Chantae, people are listening. They have heard the stories. They want to know where can they hear this music? Where can they buy these tickets for when you might be doing your thing in their city? How can they follow you so they can know what's what? Tell the people how they can access all things Chantae Cann.

Chantae Cann:

Okay? Yes. So for those of you all who are interested in staying along for the journey and would like to be connected to anything that may be happening in the future, whether it's the release of albums, whether it's the documentary, all the things will be available to you at the website, which is chantaecann.com, that's C-H-A-N-T-A-E-C-A-N-N .com. And obviously I'm on Instagram, Facebook, anywhere music is, that's where I am. All of the digital platforms out there, Spotify, Apple Music, Amazon, all the things, I am there. Look me up. I would love to continue to stay connected. Yeah, that's it.

Amena Brown:

Y'all do that. And if y'all here and y'all are like, "Oh, I'm late to the Chantae Cann party." Don't worry. You can be late in on time. This is your time. You can go ahead, go to there. You can connect right now.

Chantae Cann:

Come on, that's a word.

Amena Brown:

You go ahead and catch up on these albums before the new one come out, so that way you'll have all those songs under your belt already. You already got time. Chantae Cann, thank you for just sharing your time with me. I appreciate this so much. It is so good to talk with you, to talk music with you, to talk about your process. And I am out here awaiting. I'm awaiting this new album, the new show, the documentary. I'm out here. I can't wait. So thank you so much.

Chantae Cann:

Thank you for having me. You know anytime. We are sisters from another mister. You are my mom.

Amena Brown:

That's it. That's it. Because me and Matt be looking like Chantae parents. So whenever we go to the show, she'd be like, "My parents." And people be looking at me and Matt, they'd be looking at me and Matt like, "How they?"

Love it. Yes. Well, thank you so much, Chantae. Y'all go to Chantae, you can.com, do all the things there. See y'all soon.

Her with Amina Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sul Graffiti Productions. As a part of the Seneca Women Podcast network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 129

Amena Brown:

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to a new episode of HER with Amena Brown. And y'all probably remember, many episodes ago, I did an episode about underwear that covers my booty cheeks, and I said in that episode that I was going to come back and talk about bras, and this here is that episode.

So I'm actually going to take sort of the framework that I used for the underwear episode, and go through this same thing related to bras. So first of all, I want to start with what was I told about bras growing up? I feel like bras started becoming really important in the fifth grade, and this was around the era that I read Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. Shout out to Judy Blume. And you can go back and listen to the behind the poetry episode that I did on Margaret and hear a lot of things, hear a thousand things there. But around the era of reading that book, and in the poem Margaret, where I reference Are You There? God, It's Me, Margaret, I talked about really wanting to be a C cup, that that was the cup that I was praying for. And my grandma pretty quickly let me know, as a teenager, that as a woman who was very well endowed in the chest, that she was basically praying that all of her descendants that had breasts would not have big breasts, would have smaller breasts.

And I felt in a way that she was praying against me or praying against my prayer requests. And I also felt, I mean I don't think this is really how it works, but it kind of feels like this is how it works. It feels like there could be some relation to prayers and seniority, and that the amount of years that you have lived on this earth may or may not cause your prayers to be heard more clearly or answered more effectively. And so I kind of felt like if God or the angels, or whoever's up there helping to make sure all the prayers get answered, I just kind of felt like if it's a choice between me and my grandma, obviously, that my grandma was going to be chosen there. So I was like, "Dang." I was kind of disappointed about that. And around my fifth grade year, I remember very distinctly that training bras were becoming very popular.

And this is sort of a duality existing at the same time, because my friends and I are sneaking into the library. It's kind of funny now that we were sneaking, because this book, Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret, is clearly sitting in the library. It's not in some sort of section that we're not supposed to read. It's just sitting in the library like regular. But we could not believe that this book was there talking about training bras and periods, which was stuff that we really wanted to know something about. And for those of you listening that grew up with the internet, this is what it was like to grow up without the internet. You literally had to go to a library and look through the Dewey Decimal system, et cetera, to actually find a book that had this information. And so that was the closest we had to anything that was like a chat room where we could talk to other girls our same age, was reading Judy Blume's book in the voice of this 12 year old girl, Margaret.

I remember there was a girl named Shannon that I went to school with. And I feel like my first instance of noticing training bras was in gym class. And I'm thinking I probably had physical education at some other years of school, but somewhere between fifth and sixth grade it became a gym class that we needed to change clothes for. We were going to change our clothes into our gym clothes instead of just having physical education class and wearing whatever we wore to school, which is making me think that maybe this was sixth grade, maybe, end of fifth grade or into sixth grade.

And I remember being in the locker room and everyone is changing their clothes. And so of course on a level everyone's changing their clothes. You are trying not to be looked at, and at the same time you're also trying not to look. But everyone turned and saw that Shannon was wearing this glistening, white training bra. I could close my eyes and remember it like it just happened to me. And I remember that, I can't say that it was satin, but it was like satiny in the cup part. And everyone oohed and awed over her training bra, and we were all like, "Where'd you get that? Tell us what's going on here."

And she said her mom had taken her, if I'm remembering this right, you know, scattered memories of a fifth grader or sixth grader here. But I think she said her mom had bought her this training bra, and they went down to the department store and this whole thing. And I also remember that it had a little pink rose, like a pink sort of satiny rose that was in the part of the bra that is between the two cups. And I just thought that was as cute and dainty as it could be. And for me, I don't know about the rest of the girls, because I really don't remember talking to them much anymore about training bras. We talked a lot about breasts, later. But in speaking about training bras, I don't remember talking to them as much. I just remember looking at Shannon's training bra and now I wanted that one.

That became the standard for training bras at that point. And I went home and talked to my mom about this, because my friends and I were talking about, we were talking a lot about breasts between fifth and sixth grade, and there was a lot of concern as to how can we get breasts more quickly because there was only a small number of girls that had larger breasts, that were developing already at that point. The majority of us had not started developing, and really were looking forward to having these breasts and were talking amongst ourselves about how quickly can we access these breasts. And so this is the fun part about reading Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret, because you're watching her do these "We must, we must, we must increase our bust" exercises. And I feel like between this and maybe an episode of the Cosby Show, there's just some conversation around are there creams you can put on your chest that will make your breasts grow?

There was a lot of conversation around how can we get these breasts to happen? And I think between Shannon's training bra and reading in Margaret's voice in this book about her own experiences with training bras, that was when I was really like, "Maybe it is the training bra." Maybe it's that you, sort of in my particular Pentecostal, charismatic type of upbringing, maybe you wear the bra by faith. You wear the bra for the titties you want. For those of you that are into manifestation, you wear the training bra for the titties that you would like to have type of thing. So that really got me fixated on training bras. I went to my mama and basically let her know that this was a very necessary thing. This is a rite of passage now, that we need to go down to the department store and get this bra.

I mean, I didn't tell her all about Shannon, but I'm thinking if I say these words, maybe my mom is going to be like, "Okay, let's go down there and get you something." But my mom somewhat lovingly looked at my chest and was just like, "I don't see it. I don't see training bra for you." And at the time, I thought that she was looking at my chest and saying, "Because you don't have any breasts, I'm not buying a training bra for you." But my mom and I recently talked about this, now from both of us being adult women, and she said her main concern was that it wasn't just that I didn't have breasts yet, but she felt like I was still a little girl and I should be able to enjoy my time as a little girl and not transition too quickly into the age I might be where I would need a bra.

So it's like now as an adult woman, I can see my mom's mom perspective on that, but as a preteen I was not feeling my mom on that. Also, at this era of pre-pubescence, I am one of the tall girls in class. I'm just arms and legs and lanky limbs all over the place. So I was very much what I felt was rectangle shaped. I didn't really have curves in any way. And of course this is an era of time that is generally awkward, but I felt the awkwardness of being taller than a lot of people in my class. And I felt the awkwardness that I wasn't sure I had a feminine body, and I really longed to have that. So I'm having all these conversations with my mom about this, but I would later learn about myself that I generally have been a late bloomer in almost every area.

Like the age group of when you could start your period, when I was growing up, was between nine and 14, and I was indeed 14 when my period started. So in almost every area of life I have been a late bloomer. And now looking back on myself, this was also true about my chest size, that these breasts I was looking for were just not going to come to me during this season of life. So I went a long time where I just wore, kind of like my mom would buy me camisoles or undershirts to wear under things. And by the time I got into sixth grade, and I remember this pretty particularly because I'm pretty sure now that I'm talking to y'all about it, that I saw Shannon's training bra in fifth grade, and I was living in Maryland at the time. And then my first half of sixth grade, I was still living in Maryland, but my mom ended up re-enlisting into the military and we ended up moving to Texas.

So over that Christmas break of sixth grade, we moved from Maryland to Texas. Of course, this is a time where your body is just, everything is changing so quickly. So I remember being a girl who was not wearing bras at all in school. And by the time I got into my new school in Texas, this is like January of that year, not to mention insert commentary here about the awkwardness of moving in the middle of your sixth grade year. I remember that caused me a particular kind of heartbreak because we had been in Maryland since I was a second grader and I had just made it to sixth grade, which in Maryland is middle school. So I had a locker, and I think we had block schedule, so you had certain classes on certain days. They were already kind of preparing us for what our high school schedule would be like, even at sixth grade.

And moving to Texas and being separated from my best friend there in Maryland, whose name was Portia. And also the invisibility of moving in the middle of Christmas break, that it wasn't like you got that end of school time where you could maybe have some get-togethers with your friends. It was like I felt like I was moving in the quiet of night because everyone was with their families doing holiday things. And here I was moving with my family across the country. So I remember distinctly getting to this Texas school, which had its own layers of awkwardness, I'm already moving there as the new girl. Texas sixth grade is not considered middle school. Sixth grade is considered your last year of elementary school. So in a way, even though I was in the same grade, it kind of felt like I was taking a step back. I went from lockers to the cubby holes where you put your snacks and stuff like that. And I really resented that.

And the school district that I was in Texas was behind the school district that I had been in Maryland. So I definitely entered that moment in a very high-sidity way that I don't recommend. I was definitely like, "Wow, this place is terrible and you guys just like it because y'all never been any place." I'm pretty sure I said that to some people, which is why I didn't have very many friends. But I remember at a certain point that year, towards before the end of sixth grade, I remember being in class and I remember two boys turned around in class and I saw them looking at my chest and whispering among themselves and laughing or whatever they were doing. And I just remember feeling so awkward and so embarrassed. And that was probably the first time that I felt like now I need a bra.

Which I think at that point, my mom did move forward with actually getting me a bra, but waited until I was getting to the point where now these breasts are showing themselves in this different way, out beyond what could be helped with an undershirt. I also want to give a shout out, sort of like a slightly shady shout out to my cousin Tabitha. This was a moment that I... I remember two distinct family moments regarding having breasts growing up. I guess it is a shady shout out to my great-grandmother, my grandma Sudie also, who if you've heard me perform, you probably have heard me talk about her. But this is a very different story than the stories I normally tell of her. I remember around the same time of life we had gone back to North Carolina, which was my mom and dad's hometown, and my mom had taken me back there.

I don't think... I can't remember if my sister had been born yet, so I can't remember. Yeah, she probably had been born if I was fifth or sixth grade. So we went back to see my grandma. And my grandma Sudie had emphysema. She worked in a tobacco factory for a long time. So this was before there were any safety considerations given to people who were working in tobacco factories. So she had emphysema as if she had smoked packs of cigarettes all her life, even though she didn't. So she had reached the point where she had gotten sick enough that she would kind of have to be in a wheelchair because she would get out of breath so quickly just walking and different things like that. And this was my first time, I think, seeing her in the wheelchair that I can remember.

And so grandma wheeled her in and I think a few of us were there. So I don't remember if this was a holiday or the summertime, where family was kind of getting together for a reunion or something. I don't remember. But I remember my grandma wheeled, my grandma Sudie into the room and she's reminding her of all of us. And you remember Mena, she's telling her that. And my grandma Sudie said, "Well, Bert, where are her breasts?" And if you want to know how a sixth grader can want to melt into the cracks of the tile in the kitchen, it's that moment right there. And the second one was when I was a little bit older, probably when I was 15 or so. My cousin Diane, she had two daughters. We actually just went to her youngest daughter's wedding, my cousin Stephanie. So shout out to Stephanie and Tabitha. Tabitha was the older sister. And so Tabitha and my sister were kind of close in age.

So around this time, Tabitha is probably three or four years old, and Stephanie was a baby. So cousin Diane had asked my mom and I if we would come over and watch the girls while she had to go out. So my mom and I went there and we're keeping the girls. And Stephanie was probably less than a year old, so she was pretty easy, and Tabitha was too until it was time to start picking up toys and getting ready to go to bed. And so I talked to her the same way I would talk to my sister. So I was like, "Okay, let's go ahead and pick up these toys. Let's get ready so we can get ready for bed." And Tabitha looked at me and then she looked at my mom and she said, "But she doesn't even have any breasts. I don't have to listen to her."

First of all, I applaud my cousin Tabitha in a way for the logic, for the logic being that that is how she knew it's a grown-ass woman. That's how she knew, oh, you grown by the size of the titties. So if I don't see a certain size of titty, then I don't need to respect you. There's a certain part of that logic that is very, very funny, but from my teenage self, it was a whomp, whomp, whomp kind of moment. Like, yikes, I'm trying everything I can to find these breasts. I don't know where they are. I don't know how I get to them, but I'm trying to find them.

So all these years later, that I have now become a girl who was in the big titty club, Tabitha and I had a very good laugh as adult women. I saw her many years later and was like, "Do you remember saying this to me as a child?" She did not remember it at all. And then I said, "But now you do have to listen to me. You have to listen to every word I say." So we had a very good time. We had a very good time talking about that.

Here has been my bra evolution. I'm pretty sure that my first bras came in a box. I feel like we were not Target shoppers at this time. So I'm imagining this may have been a JCPenny, Sears, not even talking about a Macy's or shout out to y'all that are old enough to remember Foley's back in the day, or Dillard's, I'm pretty sure these were Sears, JCPenney situations. And you would go there and pick your size and each of the bras came in a little box. I'm pretty sure those were my first bras. And then sort of graduates to Walmart or the random lower-cost department store. That's pretty much what I remember doing all through high school and everything. And then when I got to college, I kind of feel like same thing. Maybe by the time I got to college I was a person who would frequent Target a little bit more.

So probably if I bought bras for myself, I probably bought them from there. And then by the time I got into my twenties, and I've discussed this here on the podcast before, that in my twenties I went through a church break. And the church that I had been going to before I took my church break, they did not allow dating. To some of y'all that didn't grow up in church, this is going to sound wild as hell, but they didn't allow dating unless you were getting married, which I know sounds like it doesn't make sense because it doesn't make sense. So it was pretty much like if you were seen hanging out with somebody, and these were definitely church situations where there was no space made for queer folks. So it was like if you were hanging out with somebody of the opposite sex, air quotes, that you better be pretty much thinking about marrying that person. Otherwise, there was no place for casual dating pretty much, which made things weird.

It made things weird for the people who were not married. It sometimes made people end up in weird situations when they did get married too, but that's for another episode. So I never really had concern through all of my college years, because I didn't date at all through college, and I didn't really start dating until I had left church because there was no way to date unless I was really going to marry somebody. And that just didn't... I was looking around at the church, I don't really see anybody here that seems like that's my husband, so I don't know. So I never really thought about what my undergarments looked like at all because I didn't have concern about anyone seeing them because I wasn't dating and I wasn't having sex. So it was like, I don't know. I mean I wasn't even making out, to be honest. I wasn't even having a good kiss at all. So it was like nobody was really seeing my clavicle, not to mention seeing my bra, per se.

So I think two things happened, because I left church and I took my first ever church break where I didn't immediately go and try to find a church to go to. I just started hanging out and figuring out how to be a 25-year-old that just enjoys her life and isn't constantly within the rigors of church things. So I think the second thing that happened is I got my first, I mean it's hard to say if it was my first real job, but it was my first I felt like a grown person corporate job, and I happened to get hired alongside three other women that weren't far from me in age.

So I'm sort of overhearing a lot of conversation between that, and I had joined this online community that was for single people in Atlanta, so I would go and hang out with them too. But I really didn't know a lot of what they were talking about, but I was privy to a lot of conversation, hearing about how people were handling their dates, how they were handling their sex lives, all these things. And so from that, I gathered that it was important for your underwear to match.

I also gathered that you could be on a date, and maybe the person you're on the date with would see your underwear somehow. And that was the first time that I sort of assessed my ragtag bunch of bras and underwear, that I would just sort of grab as needed. I think at the point of being 25 years old, I had not actually bought a set of underwear that matched, like a bra and panties set. I had never bought that. So it was this moment in my mid-twenties that made me go... Even at this moment, I was a person who felt like I was not ready to have sex yet, but at least for myself, to sort of graduate myself from my teenage mindset and to begin thinking like a grown woman, I want to have matching underwear for myself. That sounds nice. And at this time, the biggest brand for grown woman underwear was Victoria's Secret.

They were really like two well-known brands, I feel. Victoria's Secret and Frederick's. I feel like Victoria's Secret gave the vibe that it was for all-American girls. It was for the girl next door kind of vibe. It was for the girls who are good girls but have certain times that they're naughty, right? Frederick's was for the freaks. Frederick's was for the people that want to wear vinyl and latex and animal print, and things like this that want to have chaps and crotchless draws, Frederick's was that place. So at this era of life, I didn't have no shade towards Frederick's, I just knew that I wasn't ready for that. But Victoria's Secret, at that time, was one of the biggest brands as far as you buying underwear for yourself, and it felt like it had elements that were on the edge. It had freaky things you could buy, but it also had everyday T-shirt bras and regular cotton underwear and stuff like that.

So I remember starting to go in there, and that sort of became my place that I would buy my bras and try to buy bras and underwear that matched. That was the first time I remember kind of focusing on that. And then I arrived into my thirties, and you have heard me speak on this podcast that I got married when I was 31, and actually got engaged on my 31st birthday. And we had three and a half months in between the proposal and our wedding. And so one of the big rites of passage, especially, and some of y'all will have to give me feedback about how this goes. If you are a person who did not grow up in a conservative church environment, but in our conservative church upbringing, those of us who grew up that way, this moment of getting married and the types of showers that you have prior to your wedding are very specific.

So typically you would have two different showers. You would have one bridal shower that was for your household things. This is the one that the women from the church would come to. The older women, your aunties, your mama, your grandmama, your mother-in-law, this was the one where they want to get you your casserole dishes. They want to get you a good set of Pyrex. So you would have that sort of family friendly kind of bridal shower. And then you would have the bridal shower that was for lingerie. And I did not technically have a bachelorette party. I feel like the type of conservative Christian that I was at that time, I didn't know what I would even do at a bachelorette party. So the bridal shower, that was a lingerie shower was the closest to that. And these were so important because you're not having... Let me tell you, you're either not having sex at all or you're at least appearing to not be having sex.

So when you go to the shower, the assumption is that everyone is buying for you the things that you will need to love on your husband after marriage. I'm thinking about this now and I'm like, I feel like maybe I had two showers, but I feel like technically I may have had a couple of small gatherings. I feel like the church we were going to at the time, that we got engaged, they may have had some small things for us that were more family kind of oriented things, but then I think they also, some of the women in the church also had smaller gatherings that was all lingerie stuff that they gave me. And then my best friend planned a bridal shower for me that was just for my friends, not for my mom, grandmas, mother-in-law, anybody like that, but just for my friends. That was my lingerie shower.

So leading into the shower meant that I needed to get measured so that people would know my sizes, what to buy if they were going to buy me actual lingerie sets. So I went back to Victoria's Secret, it's my old faithful. I went back there and got measured, and the lady measures the band and then she measured my cup and she said "36 D." And I said, "Excuse me." She said, "36 D." I said, "No." She said, "Yes." I said, "No." She said, "You could wear 34 double D if you prefer." And I was like, "Why would you make the cup bigger? Why would you make the cup bigger?" I walked out of that store so pissed off. All I could think was that this lady is lying to me because I had been a little bitty titty girl for so long.

I just could not imagine how these titties went from being a B cup. I was an A cup all of high school. And then I realized, as I got into college, that my breasts were getting bigger, but I never went and got measured. So I just assumed like, "Oh, okay, my bras aren't fitting, so let me just bump this up to a B cup." And I pretty much stayed in the B cup. If a bra stopped fitting me, then I would just increase the band. But I stayed in the B cup.

I just thought, these is little bitty titties, okay. When she said 36 D to me, I was like, "Why would you even speak to me like this?" I huffed and puffed out of the store. Matt was with me in the mall, but he hadn't come into the store with me. So I'm huffing and puffing up to him while he's sitting out on the little couches they have in the middle of the mall. And I'm like, "You will not believe what this lady said to me." And I'm looking on his face and can tell that the measurement that I have said, that is upsetting me, is a measurement that he is hearing that he's like, "Yes." I think there were even some praise hands lifted on Matt's side of things. So I was like, "Okay, you're not really helpful to me right now." I went in Macy's, had them measure me again. She said "36 D." And I said, "Huh." And it was a Black woman measuring me. She said, "That's you."

I was like, "Oh, how could that be me? How can that be me?" So apparently I had a hormonal shift and growth spurt in my thirties. It was like between my late twenties and my early thirties, them breasts jumped up and them breasts are even bigger than they were at that time when I got measured. So this is what really forayed me into the big titty club. I did not realize that I would get to be a member of the big titty club because my grandma was praying against it, and I had all those years where these would not be big titties. Although I invited a girlfriend of mine to celebrate my grandma's birthday many years ago. So this was the first time in a long time that she had seen me, my mom and my grandma in the same room. She looked at me and she said, "Why would you think that you would not have big titties looking at your mama and your grandma? Why would you think that?"

And I wanted to take her outside and be like, "Why would you say that to me?" But then I looked at my mom and my grandma and I was like, I can see now how that would be coming from me. I can see now. I can see that I come from women of the big titty. I come from women who are well endowed. I can see that this might come down to me as well, okay. Another thing that happens, which I talked about in the underwear episode, that there's so much about undergarments that also played a role in my church upbringing. And one of the things that is an absolute no when you are, not just growing up in church, but when you are in church settings, on a stage as a woman, is nipples. I don't care what size of breast you have, but what a conservative church is not going to have is nipples out of you.

This means for women who are preachers, who are singers in church, who, like me, I was performing poetry in church for a living for a long time. So this meant now I can't just buy bras that are cute, now I need to buy bras that, there are a couple of thoughts that come with this. One is as a Black woman, now this was before there were companies actually making nude bras across skin tone. So the closest color that I would have would be a black bra. So now I need to have a black bra because I'm afraid to wear a red bra or an orange bra or a lime green bra, because then for some reason if my shirt were to fall a little over my shoulder, someone is going to see that lime green strap and now they will know I'm wearing a bra.

This is the weird thought. Now they will know I'm wearing a bra, but also I need them to know that I'm wearing a bra. So I would avoid loud color straps. The straps needed to be black. Then I discovered in my Victoria's Secret shopping, as my breast size got to a certain point, then I was like, okay, well I'm not a girl who needs a pushup or needs that type of thing, but I also need a bra that's going to give me full coverage, so that my nipples will not be seen through my clothing while I'm up on stage. Because what? My nipples showing through my clothing could what? People who grew up in church are already saying it out loud. Could be a stumbling block, and we would say the words "To somebody", but it was really to a man. That my nipples showing through my shirt, my blouse, my blazer, whatever I had on, could be a stumbling block to a man.

So there was a lot of work that women, who are on stage at church, are doing to try their very best to not be a stumbling block to men, who should just control themselves and understand that they don't have consent to a woman's body in any regard. That's for another episode. So I would buy these full coverage bras. I figured out sort of the right type of bra that they sold at Victoris's Secret, and I would pretty much buy that bra in as many variations of black as they had. And then I would allow myself a couple of fun colors that I would wear when maybe I wasn't going to be working in church. And that was pretty much kind of the life that my bras had over the last decade or so. Then the pandemic hit and y'all, especially during the lockdown time, during the time period that a lot of things were happening more virtually, you weren't having to go in person to work or meetings or events.

I was like, first of all, you get to a certain titty size and now it may require underwire for you. That could be because of the heft of your breasts, or it could be because of the length of your breasts. But either way, you can't just throw on those tank tops, the spaghetti strap tank tops that had the shelf bras back in the day, what they called a shelf bra, which is basically like a tank top, but it had a little kind of extra thing of fabric that would sort of sit under your breast and the rest of the tank top would go down to your waist. You get to a certain titty size where that shelf bra is not going to do the work for you. It's not going to do the work for you.

So now you're an underwire girl. And during my time of being home at the beginning of COVID, I was like, "I don't care about a bra anymore. I don't give a damn about a bra anymore. I'm at home. I don't need to put my titties up in a sling for nobody." But then there were some times that I'm on a Zoom, maybe I don't want my titties hanging freely for everybody. So this is what got me into a bralette season, shout out to Savage Fenty. And this is my favorite, one of my favorite... I was about to say one of my favorite, but it might be my top favorite bra and underwear brand right now. I would say bras more so, because I think Soma is probably really in there for my favorite underwear brand, as far as panties are concerned. Also, special shout out to MeUndies because I do enjoy some of their underwear as well.

But for bras, I think it's Savage Fenty for me because what I loved about Savage Fenty is, because Savage Fenty was a more body-inclusive brand than Victoria's Secret was for a long time, that meant that you could go and buy a sports bra from Savage Fenty and they would show you what does this model who wears a small look like in the bra? What does this model who wears an extra large look like in the bra? What does this model who wears a 3X look like in the bra? And so you could kind of see, based on different people's body types and how their body type may have been similar to yours, you could kind of actually get a feel for how it would fit on your body.

And I liked that sometimes there were certain modifications for if you wore a larger size, if you had larger breasts, maybe that meant that the clasps on the back of the bra, that there were more clasps to give you more support, or maybe that meant the straps were wider and I loved that. So then I became a bralette girl and became a member of Savage Fenty, and just bought all the sports bras and bralettes and just really lived a very great life. So that's kind of where my bra evolution took me.

What are the types of bras that I like? Obviously my favorite, sort of what I would still call a work bra, is cotton. And I have to tell y'all, and I'm not sure if this is good, bad, or indifferent, but the nipple coverage that I learned being in church settings, now it's less like I feel like nipples are unacceptable. I may have when I was younger, but now it's more like a mental thing, that if I'm dressed for work, for a video shoot, for an event, I just don't want to worry about what my nipples are doing. And I know if I'm wearing a bra or some other undergarment that is giving my nipples coverage, I know that I'm going to have more confidence on stage because I'm not thinking about what my nipples are doing, and wondering what they're doing out there.

I sometimes feel like titties can be very nosy. It's like they kind of want to be out and about. They want to know what other people are up to or whatever. Sometimes they want to be seen, and sometimes I may not be in a mood for them to be seen. So I definitely have my standard work bra, which is a very good support bra that provides me coverage that I can pretty much wear with anything.

Then I have, what I would say, is like a sexy or a date night bra. And some of these are things that I have because I know that my husband likes them, but some of these are things that I have because I like them. I like how they make me feel. I like how the material is. I have some bras that I wear just to wear as tops or as shirts in a way. I think one thing that has evolved about my bra life since I have entered my forties, as well as since I no longer work in any conservative Christian church spaces, like what I did when I was in my twenties and a lot of my thirties, is now I do have bras of all sorts of colors and different shapes. They have balconette shapes that I really like. They might have a T-shirt bra that I really like.

So I like having variety there and I like having different bras that make me feel whatever I want to feel that day, whether that's sexy or comfortable. I also have less fear of cleavage. I should have talked about that earlier, that that's another thing that when you grow up in a conservative Christian church environment, you fear your nipples showing and you fear cleavage. You fear the top titty so bad because the idea of any beginning of a woman's breast showing in a church setting is like now all of the men cannot function. They cannot control themselves or their thoughts, whatever. And so I do think a part of my becoming a more liberated self has been embracing my cleavage. For a long time I would still wear outfits that showed my cleavage, but when I worked in Christian conservative settings, I would fear having those pictures online or on my social media.

I would be like, oh gosh, even though I'm out, I need to make sure I crop the picture or make sure the picture shows me above, from a certain angle. And as I've come away from those spaces, and as I've just come into myself more and I'm into having the freedom to be more of myself, just being like I am a girl who is of the big titty, so there are going to be some shirts or some dresses I wear that I'm not going to be able to avoid cleavage no matter what I do. And cleavage is beautiful and I like it. I like showing it. I like showing it if I'm on a date with my husband, sometimes I like showing it just because I'm walking around the house or whatever. But I have a lot less fears of my cleavage showing than I did when I was younger.

And then by the time I got into my bralette and sports bra era, which was also great, and I still do that most days if I'm at home, that's what you'll catch me in. Or also, my favorite type of bra is no bra at all. For those of you who wear bras, who have breasts, y'all know the vibes. It's like now that we're somewhat back outside, some of us have returned back to working in an office or doing things in person again, it's like that's the first thing I'm going to do when I get home. I'm going to take my shoes off first, because we trying to be a no shoes house. And then after that, this bra coming off, that's it. That's it. That's how that has to be now. That's what's happening. So that's probably my favorite type of bra, is no bra at all.

 Well, I hope you enjoyed going down bra and titty memory lane with me, and I hope it gave you some things to think about in your own journey, some ways that you can lean more into your free self, into your liberated self. So I will give you a couple of questions to consider at the end of our episode today.

First of all, I want to start with when was the last time that you got measured for a bra, and please go get measured. And now you don't just have Victoria's Secret as your option. There are a lot of amazing, locally-owned lingerie stores, locally-owned stores that sell under garments that would be perfect places for you to go and get measured. Especially for my people who are of the big titties. There are a lot of stores that really specialize in that. I know we have a couple of stores like that here in Atlanta, but if you live someplace where maybe you don't have locally-owned places like that, a lot of the bigger brands have this availability, most department stores also. And sometimes getting measured for your bra can be similar to the experience that we have weighing ourselves, depending on how we feel about those numbers. That we kind of feel like we're better off not knowing because what if we don't like the number that they're about to say, that we feel the same way about the scale.

Some of us may not get on a scale because we don't know how we may feel about what the number says there. And in a way, I'm making a comparison, but in a way it's not quite the same. But in that small way, sometimes the knowing makes us afraid. So then we avoid and we decide that we'll just be someone who doesn't know what our measurements are. But knowing our measurements, our measurements being larger than we expected is not a bad thing. It's not a bad thing. It may take us a journey depending on where we are in our life of how we can accept what the number is there. But as it relates to bras, it is healthy for you to be wearing a bra that is your proper size.

Sometimes we treat our bras like sometimes we treat our licenses, our driver's license. You get your license started 20 years ago and you just keep your same weight on there even as your weight fluctuates. And so some of us do that to our bras, but with our bras, it can be damaging to us. It's not damaging, whatever you decide to put on your driver's license, live your life. But if you're still wearing the same bra size that you had 15 years ago, when maybe your bra size has changed, it's healthier for you to be wearing a bra that is actually the right size for you. You could have a more comfortable experience wearing a bra when you are in the right size for you, and you may end up wearing a bigger cup than you expected. You may have a bigger band than you expected, but the best thing is for you to have your right size, and whatever your right size is, is your best size. It's great.

That's when you can really be in a bra that doesn't have to dig into your shoulders or dig under your rib cage, dig into your shoulders and all that in this way. So please consider going to get measured. If you are nervous, get you a little titty buddy. Get you a bra buddy. My mom, my grandma and I have actually gone together. We did that one year for my birthday. I think it was for my birthday, it was for one of our birthdays. We went and all three of us got measured and were able to actually get a good bra in our proper size, which is really, really important. So I would think about when was the last time you got measured for a bra? Try and go to get measured. If you are nervous, take a friend with you. Y'all can both get measured.

And a part of it is this very interesting journey that we have with our bodies, with the curves of our body, with the sizes of the clothing or undergarments that our bodies may need. I know that that can be very sensitive for many of us. It can have a lot of nuances, and sometimes a lot of minefields in a certain way, and all of that is very valid. So do what you need to to care for yourself related to this. If this is an area that is a very sensitive one, see if you can have a buddy, if you're prepared for that. You may be at a point where you're not ready to go and get measured by anyone, and maybe it'll be better for you to be able to measure yourself in the privacy of your home. That's also a thing that can happen. But whatever our journey, we want to be gentle with ourselves and gentle with the bodies that we have, including our breasts for those of us who have breasts.

And if you are a bra wearer, I think it is good to consider what is your most comfortable bra? What is the kind of bra that makes you feel comfortable? What is the kind of bra that makes you feel fun? What's the kind of bra that makes you feel beautiful or makes you feel sexy? And try to seek out those kinds of bras. I think one of the things I love about bras and just underwear generally, is it can be something we wear for our partners, for our lovers, for people like that. But also it's something that we put on, and we could have on the sexiest set of underwear under a pair of sweatpants. And I love that about bras and underwear, that it's something I can also do for myself. It's not something just to do for other people's enjoyments. You can also take pleasure in your own body too.

And the last question I'll put out there, is what are the ways that you can be at home with your body? And this looks different for everybody. For some people, the journey of being at home with your body is about accepting the body that you're in. For some people, it may be deciding that you want to change the body that you're in. That can also be a way that you can become more at home with your body.

For some people that is about finding clothing that can make you feel at home with your body. For some people, that is a journey of exercise. For some people, that is a journey of finding ways to just enjoy food and whatever food you like. There are so many layers to that journey and that will very particular to you. But to think about what are some ways you can be at home in your body, and whatever those ways are, how can you take steps towards them?

That's my hope for all of you listening. And for myself too, that I can be at home with my body. Even the body that I have in my forties is not the same as the body that I had in my thirties, is not the same in my twenties, and won't be the same as the body I'll have in my sixties.

All of us will experience those various changes. Not to mention all of the things that we may have taken in from our families, from our religions, from bad relationships. We're going to have some negative things that are said about our bodies too. But we can speak back to our bodies, the good things. We can hold our bodies. I remember being in pelvic floor therapy once, and first of all, a thousand things I could say to you all about pelvic floor therapy, but I was kind of working through some trauma there, and my pelvic floor therapist looked at me. And for those of you who aren't familiar with pelvic floor therapy, pelvic floor therapy is like a physical therapy, but you're used to physical therapy and maybe you've heard that term. If someone has an injury, for example, if they break their leg or break their ankle in a certain way, they may have to have physical therapy in order to strengthen the muscles around that area in order to be able to walk on it again properly.

And pelvic floor therapy is really physical therapy for the pelvic floor. And we got to this point, as she's taking me through this physical therapy to kind of help me heal from some trauma I had experienced. And she said, "It's okay for you to just even massage this area, find a really good lotion and rub a lotion on this area." And even some of those small things can be ways that we can come home to ourselves and come home to our bodies.

So thank y'all for listening and shout out to all of the people who are people of the big titty. Just know I feel you, and probably as soon as I finish recording this, I'm just going to go take my bra off, because that feels like a right thing to do. See y'all next week.

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions, as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 128

Amena Brown:

Hey y'all. Welcome back to HER With Amena Brown. I'm here in the living room with one of my favorite people, one of my favoritest people. Please welcome poet, storyteller, public speaker, an author of new children's book, Winter's Gifts, Kaitlin Curtice.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Thank you. We are here. Everyone's applauding at home. Yes.

Amena Brown:

You know what, Kaitlin? I realized today that I think you and Kelundra are my most often featured guests on this podcast. If I could give out awards for who appeared here the most, it's you and Kelundra 'cause Kelundra has been coming on every year, the past three years to talk best of TV stuff with me each year, and I somehow find a way to really convince you to come here and talk to me consistently.

Kaitlin Curtice:

We have done it. This is our third time?

Amena Brown:

Yeah, so I think I've talked to you once a year.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah, wow. It is our third, isn't it?

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Yeah. So thanks, Kaitlin.

Kaitlin Curtice:

I'll take it. I'll take that. Thank you.

Amena Brown:

Y'all, I was just telling Kaitlin before we started recording, it's really partly my excuse just 'cause we love each other. So it's really partly my excuse to be like, "Oh, let me just catch up with Kaitlin real quick on a recording.

Kaitlin Curtice:

We're recording for all these people. It's fine. It's fine.

Amena Brown:

We're here for it. We're here for it. Kaitlin, I'm so excited about your new book. This is your first children's book, am I right?

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah, it is. I'm really excited. And also, I don't know what to feel. So many things.

Amena Brown:

Could you talk us through where did the idea begin for Winter's Gifts?

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah, we lived in Vermont at the time, and it was awesome. I've wanted to write a children's book for a long time, but I thought, "What if I could write four books that's a series, and could be a box set one day?" 'Cause I would want that, I would buy that as a parent. What if I could create these four books that could be in a box set that someone could buy and have to show in their house throughout the seasons? 'Cause I changed my house throughout the season and I do all of that and I get out books in each of our tubs. It's like the season books come out. And so this first book came, it came quickly. I needed to write it, I think, and a lot of it is relating to me as a kid, a lot of it's watching my own kids.

And then it was like, we lived in Vermont, and it was winter. When you think of snowy winter, it was like the perfect setting for me to just sit on my couch by my wood stove in this tiny rental house we were living in Vermont. We lived there for one year and it was like, this book was written in that season. It was perfect. And writing about our husky, Sam, who passed away when we lived in Vermont, but he's in the book. So he's memorialized in this series, which I really love, and I wanted to write something that could sort of be universal but could also speak to our Potawatomi identity. And it just kind of came together really well in this celebration of all the seasons. So we start with winter and it's coming out and it'll be out for this cozy season that's coming, and I'm very excited.

Amena Brown:

I love it and I'm really excited to dive into this more with you. Y'all, one of my favorite things about Kaitlin is the ways that she and I can talk about spirituality and that when we talk about spirituality, it has a lot of freedom and boundlessness. I have definitely called Kaitlin, like, "Okay, so let's talk about this dream I had." We have really interesting conversations around that. And I think the idea of winter as a season is very spiritual and not related necessarily to any particular religion, but it's a very spiritual time.

It's a time where we are sort of contemplating the end of the year. We may be reflecting on the year that's passed. We may be trying to prepare for the year to come. There's just all of this sort of ruminating of the soul during that time. And for some of us in that season, you being in Vermont during that time, it's like you have some time where you just have to be indoors a lot more too because of the weather, the snow, the cold, all those things.

Kaitlin Curtice:

We were inside a lot in Vermont. It is cold, but it was beautiful. And I mean, winter's hard. It's a hard season for a lot of people. It's hard for mental health, emotional health. I mean, we're not getting out in the sunlight as much. Winter is hard. And so we acknowledge that, but also speak to, but what are the gifts that it also gives us? And like you said, this is hibernation season. It's this inward season. For us, it's the storytelling time. It's the time of the elders, like when we are learning from those who came before us and those who are older and wiser than us and they're telling us the stories that we need to hear. It's almost like you're storing up all those stories for the coming year, for the coming seasons, and I think that's a really beautiful thing. So I wanted to figure out a way to honor that in this book.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Can you talk about, as we are now at the time of this recording, digging into fall, which you start feeling that transition that fall is going to fold itself into winter, and for some people, there starts to be a dread about that for very good reasons and very important reasons. And for some people, there starts to be this relief, this sense of like, "Okay, we're going to come to a time where I know I'm not going to work as much. I know I'm going to have more time with my friends or my family and my people that I love." What are your thoughts about how we can even begin the process to become more intentional about embracing winter?

Kaitlin Curtice:

I think it's important to plan ahead as much as we hate to hear that. There is this beauty in... I mean, we plan ahead for the celebrations of our life. You plan ahead for a birthday party. You plan ahead for these things. So mark your calendar and plan ahead for winter solstice, decide to cook your favorite food that night and sit with a few people you love and light some candles or light a fire. And just intentionally set that time aside and talk about gratitude and talk about grief and talk about who you are and what you're learning about yourself in the season you find yourself in. Even in your own life, that life season, and what are you hoping to learn in winter? I think without becoming super linear or checking boxes, it's also really helpful to plan ahead and to be prepared for this moment, for this time that we're going to set this aside 'cause it is going to get crazy and busy.

December comes and it's wild how busy things get, so set it aside. Last year, I got too busy, and I couldn't really plan our family's solstice, and I was really sad about that, and I was... Oh, I was doing my audiobook for Living Resistance, my last book. So I was taking the train into Philly every day and doing these recordings and I didn't have the space or the energy. One day, I showed up at home and my partner Travis had decked the whole table. It was full of food, and he is an incredible cook, and he just did it. He did it all for us and it was like, oh my gosh, the sweetest thing. Because he knew how much it meant to me, he knows that it's just a part of our family and we want to still honor that.

And so he totally surprised me and I was really grateful to have someone else be like, "This is something we want to honor. Let's do it. We're still going to do it." And so just make the space and try to plan. And I think that that's a beautiful gift to give yourself is to be ready, you know?

Amena Brown:

Yeah, I love that. I was talking recently with Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barnes on this podcast, and we were talking about self-care and where celebration also plays a role in that, where joy plays a role in our self-care. And that was one of the things she said. She said, "Sometimes we need to plan ahead our celebrations or even our commemorations." There is sometimes a thing that we want to hold a certain space for. It may be something celebratory, it may be something that we need to just mark time about or take time to honor in a way. And that does take a bit of planning and community that in that moment that you were like, "This year I can't be the person who plans. I can't be the person who puts this thing together." And that your partner was like, "It can be me this year." I think that's really, really dope.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah, it was really sweet. And that's so true. I tell people things like that all the time, in the same vein, plan ahead for your care. If you need to schedule it, if you're that type of person, then treat it like it's part of your job. Scheduling the things that you need. And it's hard because, especially being an author, you work on these books for so long and then you finally get to the end and it's like celebration, but also total exhaustion and relief and all this. Then the stress just builds somehow even more than you thought it would.

And a lot of times, I neglect the celebration part of just like, "Take a deep breath. Finally, the book is out, the thing has happened, celebrate it." And that's really hard for me actually. So I'm going to remind myself of that as this children's book comes out and as winter approaches, drink a little bit of extra hot cocoa and sit by the fire a little longer and take your time with it. And I think that that's good advice. I'm going to take it.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, right,

Kaitlin Curtice:

It's the therapy session. This is great.

Amena Brown:

That's what we're here for. But, Kaitlin, you and I have talked to about just how interesting it is being an author, that it's a really wonderful privilege and opportunity to be able to take the words that you have and put them in this book. It is hard. And I have gotten to the end of the process and not felt like as much of a winner as I thought I was going to feel. I thought I was going to be that real, like Rocky... like that. Instead, I was just like...

Kaitlin Curtice:

In bed with the covers up.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, just totally crying. So I do think it's important after all of that to not just honor that writing a book is air quotes and achievement. It's to honor all that you had to put in to it, all that it took out of you to do. And unfortunately, in the business part of us being authors, I feel like the celebration of us can get lost in the sauce. It's like the book comes out, you've got all the interviews if you decide to do those. You've got all this promotional stuff. You've got to post stuff on social media, you got to do all those things. There's no one there... You had your editor to walk through these parts with you. You had your line editor, your copy editor. You had all these people, but you don't have a person outside of your people that love you in your life to actually come alongside you and be like, "Hey, let's go to dinner," or "Let's bake our favorite thing. Let's do something to celebrate you that you did this."

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah, yeah. Which is why I tell people all the time that being an author, it's a solo practice. Our work can be very isolated and solo, but we're part of this community of writers. But also, whoever those people are that are in our life, we cannot do it alone. It is always connected to community and how we are able to, especially if we're from marginalized communities or oppressed voices, trying to share our words with the world. We need the people who hold us up and shout for us 'cause sometimes, you just want to be done and almost forget it happened for a second, and you don't want to do that. Celebrate the beautiful thing.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, yeah. I want to talk about the holidays here because as we are leading... I think the interesting thing about winter is as a literal season, it has a lot of beauty in it. It has a lot of things that it can teach us. I also think particularly for those of us who are living in America right now, there is sometimes the feeling of like, "Oh, shit. Here I go with all the holiday functions and some..." It gets to be that sort of feeling of now it's going to be all this stuff. My friends that have kids, they're like, "I got to do this stuff at the school." And now you got a holiday concert, I got, "Ah, you know." And then you have your extended family stuff and you're like, "Oh, well, we going to go over so-and-so's house," and yikes, the way the conversation was last year and whatever that stuff is.

So I feel like that also participates in bringing us the feelings of dread that some of us have as it relates to holidays and holiday gatherings. I wanted to get some of your perspective about this. I wanted to share with you that I feel like the beginning part of the pandemic where we were all kind of separated away from each other, there were a lot of hard things about that. In some ways, there were also some learnings from me of like, "Oh, look at this holiday time that we got to have." That wasn't the hustle and bustle, that wasn't the big party, the big gathering to go to.

You sort of got to focus in a little bit more with intentionality because we were having to, for the sake of our health, opt out of some things to keep our kids safe, keep our loved ones safe, keep our elders safe. That's what we were having to do. So then when the period of time came, where it was like, "Oh, it's safer now. We can do this stuff we were doing before." And I was like, "Oh, God, do we have to do that though?"

Kaitlin Curtice:

All the introverts were like, "I think we're okay-"

Amena Brown:

I actually-

Kaitlin Curtice:

"... we're going to be at home a little longer."

Amena Brown:

Like, "I love you guys, but I enjoyed it without y'all, so not sure." And I also think it can be... And you and I have talked a lot about having to build boundaries. We've talked about that on this podcast as far as boundaries we've had to build around social media and our work, boundaries we've had to build around when we're doing events for our work. And you and I personally have talked about other things in life personally where we've had to build boundaries too. And I feel like one of the boundaries that's real hard is around the holidays when what you may need or what your family may need may be different from your friendships, may be different from your extended family. What do you think caused you to get to a point where you felt you had permission to opt out?

Kaitlin Curtice:

That's a good question. This is hard. And I think so many of us dance around this and it is really hard. Well, and the other sort of blaring thing for a lot of us that is connected to family and friends and all this stuff is, what happens to those of us whose vision of this wonderful America starts to cave in? And so I'm thinking specifically about Thanksgiving, Easter, Christmas, some of these holidays where you're starting to be like, "Oh, that's really rampant capitalism and consumerism, and it's kind of gross, isn't it?" And "Oh, why can't we celebrate also the other holidays around this time? Why is it only Christmas and not all the other holidays that are celebrated?" You know, things like this. And Thanksgiving is what we know it to be. It's a total colonial holiday.

So how do we reckon with the history around all of it? And every year when it comes up, I am... We live so far from our family too. I mean, we live across the country, so there's always the travel and there's just so many little strategic things. And I think part of it is every year is sort of the sitting down, do the strategic planning, what can we handle? What are we able to do physically, whatever with the school breaks, with all the things, what can we actually handle that we're able to do? And then also I think it's important to ask, what do we need? Because it is not helpful to just run ourselves dry.

So last year, for Thanksgiving, we actually went and stayed in an off-grid, tiny house in Upstate New York. It was the weirdest, best thing ever. I mean, we rock climb as a family, and we're going to do something similar again this year. What we need most is to just get to the land and to the quiet and not really focus on this particular holiday. That's not everybody, everyone has different things. We love food. We love meals, we love gratitude. We love the act of Thanksgiving, but we would prefer to just be on some land where it's quiet and actually commune with nature, think about Mother Earth, do that as a family.

And so that's become really important to us. So last year, we just stayed in this crazy, off-grid, little house thing, and we're pumping our water for our coffee in the morning. We had to work for it. We had to work for that holiday. But it was perfect because it wasn't anything like the stress of what it usually is. And it was great. And we celebrated and we did what we needed. And I think that a lot of us who struggle with boundaries, who struggle with these conversations feel guilty and selfish a lot of the time. And we go to therapy being like, "What are we going to do this year? How are you going to help me figure this out?"

Amena Brown:

That's the thing to the therapist, how are you going to help me figure this out?

Kaitlin Curtice:

It's hard. It's asking each of ourselves what we can handle, what do we need, what can we handle and how can we strategize? And it's really funny that that's what I would say is that we have to strategize, but I guess it's the planning ahead for solstice. It's the same thing. And you have to just have some time to do the things you want. There are so many things pulling for our time, so many parties, so many gatherings, so many meals. Where's the rest? Where's the care? Where's the sort of quiet kinship? Where's the connection with Mother Earth? Are you doing that throughout that time? 'Cause I think it becomes so much about money and gifts.

In my children's book, there's a line where Donnie, the main character, is talking to her friends from school and they're talking about Christmas or the holidays, and she's like, "What about the gifts of winter?" And they're like, "What about them?" They're like, "Mother Earth doesn't give us gifts, what are you talking about?" And that's Donnie's big dilemma in the book is, "Oh, no, these people who are my friends, they don't believe that Mother Earth gives us gifts." They want the tangible presents. They want the stuff, but what about the gifts that are just already existing out there? And I think the best way for us to even practice embodiment, to get back to our own bodies, our own grounding to learn boundaries, all of that is actually connected to how we access our relationship to Mother Earth.

And I know that people don't realize that, and I'm realizing it as an adult. I didn't grow up learning that, but when we start to repair our relationship to the land, it changes our bodies. It gives us strength to do things and make decisions that we wouldn't before. And I don't really know how to describe how it happens, but I know it happens, and I know that it heals us and helps us. And I think the holiday seasons are a perfect time to put that into practice.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, yeah. Oh, that is so helpful, Kaitlin. I don't know why every time I talk to you, I'm tearing up a little bit, but I'm like, "Man, that's so helpful." Because I think a lot of it is based on sort of an Americanized probably insert capitalist vision of what holidays are supposed to be. And that's very centered around what we deem to be tradition, which is not always tradition in a holistic sense as far as it being connected to the people we come from or connected to the land, to those stories that we need to retell. Sometimes it's tradition connected to obligation, connected to the appearance that it's supposed to have in the picture or in the video.

And so when we are like, "Oh, my whole family's gathering for such-and-such holiday, I will be messing up the tradition by deciding that that's not a gathering I think I can participate in." And I do think a part of this time gives us hopefully the ability to where we can with family and friends, have some honest conversation around that. To have some honest conversation. I know I've had to say, "Hey, such-and-such holidays coming up and we might need to not be at that," or "If we come to that, we might need to be there for a much shorter time than you're used to seeing us." To start having some of those conversations where you can. Some of us have family members where you can't have those conversations. They're not going to be helpful.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Do it early-

Amena Brown:

Do it earlier when you can.

Kaitlin Curtice:

... an earlier start. Just get it out there.

Amena Brown:

Laying the groundwork there, that way in case we leave early, or we get there, and we don't have gifts. You already know what's happening here. I think if you are listening to this and you're sort of feeling that sense of dread and the, ah, that comes with it. I think sometimes that dread is trying to speak to us, which is to answer the question you said, Kaitlin, what is it you need in this season? What you may have needed a previous holiday season, you may have different needs right now.

And to be able to pay attention to that. I've had some holidays where it was like I needed to call my friends and say, "I need you to come to my house. Just bring whatever food you have. We don't care. We'll have an ugly potluck. I don't care. I need my house full of people." I'm like, "The food's great, but maybe it doesn't look great. Just bring your ugly food to my home. I just need to hear people's voices that I love, and we'll play some card games or whatever we do." And sometimes that's what you need. And there are other seasons that come that you're like, "I need that tiny house. I need to be closer to the land, away from the grid, away from the devices and all of that." So I think that's a really powerful question to ask. What do you need this year? Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah. And to be aware of the fact that other people won't need what you need. So maybe don't invite that person to go on the long hike with you 'cause that's probably may not be what they need. And if you need it and you're aware that they don't, hold some space and maybe meet up for coffee at some other point. Don't expect other people to be changing in the same ways that you're changing. A lot of us are deconstructing. We're asking hard questions. We're ending up sort of separating and sifting out relationships, that's happening for a whole lot of people.

And when we start to question especially the norms or the status quo in America and around things like holidays, it gets really difficult sometimes. But just like it's hard for us, it's also going to be hard for others sometimes too. That doesn't mean they're just going to come along up with us then. So there's a reciprocity of care, I think, that we can hold with others. And I know that that's hard for some of us to hear, especially if we feel, if they're wrong, but we're right, or we're trying to decolonize this holiday like, "What are you doing?" But we have to hold space for that 'cause not everyone is going to be at that. So again, what do we need? How can we hold all of that? And grounding ourself with what we need, I think is the best way to do it and to create space where we can.

Amena Brown:

I love that you said reciprocity of care, and that is hard 'cause sometimes, especially if what is sending you to opt out of something, if rage is involved. If you've gotten to a point where you're just like, "I'm fed up with some shit, so no. I said what I said, we not going to be doing that this year at whatever holiday. I said, we not doing that." And your anger is understandable and valid. It's very valid. And to where you can hold space for the other person across the table that they may have their own very valid emotional reasons why they want to gather in these ways and just finding ways to do what you need for yourself. And in some ways too, Kaitlin, I also feel as an oldest child and people pleaser, I've had to accept that sometimes doing what I need will be disappointing to other people.

And that doesn't mean that because it's disappointing to them that it's wrong that I'm doing what I need to do. But there is a way I can say, "This isn't a malicious thing I'm doing to you in any way. This is me doing what I need. And I realize you wanted to see us at that gathering. I realized you hoped that we would participate in this such-and-such way, and I realized it will be disappointing to you that we can't, but your disappointment can't be the motivator for why I need to move beyond what is a boundary for me right now." Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Those are wise words from a people pleaser.

Amena Brown:

Okay.

Kaitlin Curtice:

From all of us, thank you. It's hard. It's hard.

Amena Brown:

It's so hard. I think that this time in the last three years really showed me how much I was used to doing out of obligation. So many things that I was just like, "Oh, now that I had a chance to opt out of that, I actually realized I had years I wasn't having a good time," or "I had years I didn't enjoy this. I had years I needed something else." And I wasn't able to listen to my inside soul. I wasn't able to listen to my own spirit in a way in that season of life, but I can hear me now and I can hear what I need now.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah. And I think for a lot of us who grew up in Christian spaces too, that goes back to that same kind of people pleasing expectation of like, "Well, of course, you're going to celebrate this holiday," or "Of course, you're going to come to this service or this youth event," or "You're going to participate in this way." Like, "Of course, you are, because that's what we do." And so to disrupt any of those status quos, any of those social norms within our religious communities or our families or whatever it is, our social communities, that can be really. That can be really scary for a lot of people. It is not easy. And so going gentle with ourselves during this time is... I mean, I love the holidays. I love the coming coziness. I love wrapping presents and thinking of people and giving them these gifts that are meaningful to me, and I picked them for these people for this reason.

I love all of that. I love watching Christmas movies. I love the music. I love it. I think it's incredible. And also at the same time, I feel the exhaustion and I feel the tension and we're allowed to shift. We are allowed to shift. We are allowed to change. We are allowed to say, "For some reason, this holiday feels really hard this year, and I don't know why. Maybe I can change a few things about how I'm approaching it." Because last year it was different and we have to hold space for that. I think if the COVID season, incubation taught us anything, it was that we have to hold space that some years things are completely different than other years.

So just because we make a decision for one year, that doesn't mean that's always going to be our pattern either. And it's okay to deconstruct, to ask the questions, to say, "I don't know why, but whatever I did last year isn't working for me this year and I have to change something." You know?

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice:

And that's okay. It really is okay, but we have to give ourselves permission for it to be okay.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, this was my first time, the last couple of years opting out of Easter. I was normally a person who's like... I mean, first of all, having worked in Christian spaces a long time, Easter was a workday for many years because I was going there to speak at this place, to perform for Good Friday and Easter service and stuff. And then after I left doing Christian spaces, then it was like, "Okay, well, now I just get to enjoy that holiday with my family." We get to go to church together, go eat afterwards or whatever. And then between 2020, 2021, somewhere up in there, Easter was approaching, and I was like, "Not me this year. Not me. I'm not going to go to church. I don't want to go to anyone's after dinner thing you do after that." Just opted out. I think one year I just watched Beyonce's Lemonade, which turned out to be very great. This is still resurrection, redemption in some way-

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yes, yes, yes.

Amena Brown:

... that 's what I'm doing. Yes, and a part of me was shaking really inwardly, a lot of trepidation of like, "Oh my God, what does it mean that I've just decided to opt out of this? Where am I?" I Feel like when you grow up evangelical, there's this way that you're like, "Oh, God, I'm on the slippery slope. I'm just going to keep sliding down. I don't know what I'm sliding into, but it's very slippery and it's a slope and I'm..."

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah. Yep. Yes. And what's so funny though, is that so many of our Christian holidays are super Christian and then super capitalistic and weird like the Easter Bunny, and you hope to get a bunch of eggs with money in them, but also make sure it's about Jesus. So we have these weird... And Santa and capitalism and are you a good little kid and Jesus' birth. And so there's all of these things where we've... It's what cultures and societies do, but we sort of blend these weird things together and call it a holiday.

And then when you start to ask deep questions, you're like, "Which part have I given up?" Or "How am I done with all of it?" Or "Do we do the Easter Bunny part but not the other part?" Or "What happens now?" Because it's so cultural, it's so embedded. And I think we're going through some of that in our family as well. And me personally, what parts do we keep? Are we allowed to keep bits and pieces? Are we not allowed to do that? Is the whole thing gone and we just ride the slope? Slippery slip down to wherever it takes us, and there's a bunch of people waiting there. So it's not like we're the only ones doing it. A bunch of people who have done it. A lot of people are trying to ask these questions which I think is a beautiful thing.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, I think it is good to explore that. I think I'm also a person who, if I could use dating as an example, it's like I can't be cordial or friends with someone I just broke up with. So it's like I need that time of like, "Let's just not see each other. Let's not talk, let's not text. I don't want to do that." And then if enough time passes by where I've been able to find my voice again, figure out my feelings, whatever, then I can see that person somewhere and just be like, "Oh, hey, how are you?"

I still don't want to kick it with you, and I still may not want to go to coffee or whatever. But I can at least be like, "Oh, I can have a conversation for a little while and not be so awkward." And I sort of feel when you're in a process of deconstructing, whether that's from the religion you were raised with or also, like you were saying, Kaitlin, a lot of us are learning about the roots of some of the holidays that we celebrated beyond religion, and we're learning the roots of that are very terrible. And so that causes us to also begin to question. So it's like sometimes, I'm a person and everyone's process on this will be different. I'm a person who's like, I just need a cold Turkey away from you, away from that.

And then I'll start to find myself sort of finding the mosaic of things that I'm like, "Oh, yeah, I may not want to go to this kind of service, but I do like the singing and I do want to keep some parts of that. I may not want to celebrate this in this sort of way, but I do want to find a way to honor the ancestors by how we do this type of thing." So I do think the mosaic part can be kind of fun and interesting and healing that process. But I do need the breakup time sometimes where I'm just like, "No. No, thank you. No, I don't know. No, thank you. I don't want to hear, away in a manger. I don't want to do that. I don't want to have. I don't want your Easter Bunny. Maybe I do want to get the candies on discount after Easter's over, but I don't want... Maybe I will get a little Pastel Reese's cup. But listen..."

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah. Gosh. I love that. I love to use that dating metaphor 'cause my metaphor is like a pendulum swing. So I go from one into the complete other. And then eventually after the grief has subsided a little, I start finding my way to a balance, to a center, to something. So your mosaic is, it's my balance and center. But I love that we have these two different metaphors that are the same thing. It is. But I think that's healthy. I think that it's when I realized that there are certain foods that I can't eat, and I have these health issues, you have to cut it all out. And then you slowly start adding it back in to see how you feel and how it affects you. But I think it's really similar with this.

You cut it all out or most of it or whatever you need and then you see... I don't want to go into then appropriation world where we're like, "Oh, these religions all look nice. Let's grab a little from everywhere and we'll just make something. This is fun." So that's not what we're saying, but we're saying like, "What can we create that's meaningful?" I would love for any human to create a winter solstice ritual that means something to them, that honors their ancestors, that honors who they are, that brings their culture to the table and their gifts of gratitude.

How can we do that honoring others? How can we make it about kinship and belonging and this deep, beautiful connection with Mother Earth and with our bodies and with each other? I think that's what a lot of us are trying to do after getting away from a lot of these systems and spaces that are so much about disembodiment and oppression and lives like the stories that we haven't been told. And I think we're all trying to get back to some sort of, how do we re-approach these things with care and nuance and the beauty of their complexity, the mosaic, the balance. How do we find that? And that's hard. And it calls for care, which I think is why so many of us are exhausted when this time rolls around. If we're doing that work, it is exhausting like, "Oh, what do I feel about Thanksgiving this year? What kind of foods should I make? What would be appropriate? Whose lands am I on?" All those questions, it's tiring. You have to just go slow and be okay that it's exhausting 'cause it's beautiful work, but it can be exhausting.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, and it takes time too. It's like you said, it's holding space for where you are in this particular year and that next year, you may need different things, you may be in a different place. And as time goes on, if you are beginning this work inside yourself, then you will continue on with that work. You will grow, you will evolve, you will have different ways that you will change and know what your boundaries are, what your wants are. You will know more of what feels ethical to you, of what part of your processes have integrity to you and how to walk in all of that. And all of that is a time thing, unfortunately, fortunately.

It's a time thing. You can't expect yourself to be like, "Herein, I will read a book as long as all of Shakespeare's works, in which I will know all of the things that I'm supposed to know and all of the practices that I'm supposed to take upon myself as well as the practices that I should not do because they don't belong to me, and I should not be involved in that." You're not going to know that in three months or a year. You're just going to be building a life of knowing and evolving. I mean, that's the only way I can think.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yes. And a life of it. And that's the key is, when people ask me about my book Living Resistance, when they're like, "What's the big takeaway? Or one of them?" And I'm like, "Well, the way I end the book is that resistance is lifelong work." So this is our whole life. We could be 85 and be like, "I don't like the way I've been doing that for the past two decades. I'm going to change things this year." This is the year and we do it, and it's great. Please do it.

If there's still something that needs to change and shift in you when you're 85, when you're 87 years old, when you're 23, when you're 36, 42, whatever. Let the things change and let yourself evolve and let the story be told differently because that whole idea that it's never too late, and also that our whole life is for this work. And that's a beautiful thing so that we are not like, "I have to read all the books before October," and "I have to be totally ready this year." Do the things you can do. Please tell the truth about certain holidays. That's awesome work. Please do that. But don't try to recreate it all completely. It has to be right. That's just more pressure we're putting on ourselves. And that's not the goal. That's not what we should be doing.

Amena Brown:

Right, exactly. Okay. Talk to me about Winter's Gifts. I don't want you to give away all of the gifts that are in the book, but when we are in the fall leading into winter, what are a couple of Winter's Gifts? What are a couple of those gifts that we can think about, be more intentional about observing? What are your thoughts on that?

Kaitlin Curtice:

I'm going to read a little from the book.

Amena Brown:

I was hoping so.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah, I'm just going to read the first few pages because I feel like that it's such a good question. And like I said earlier, winter can be overwhelming. Even the coming, we can start. I mean, people deal with depression in winter. It's very real. There's a lot. There's a heaviness that comes and a blanketing, and that can be very hard. So I would never dismiss how really hard it is for people, but they're also just these beautiful gifts. So let me just read a little bit from the book.

Amena Brown:

Okay, good.

Kaitlin Curtice:

And I always say children's books are not just for children. I mean, I have two kids and I've been reading them children's books for years, and we just had piles and piles of them. And I'm reading them a book, and they're one and three, and I'm sobbing and reading this book, and they're like, "I don't know wrong, mom, but you were seem to really..." Well, I don't know what's happening. And there's just some children's books, they're so therapeutic. We're still connected to our child selves. There's still some healing to be done there. So If you need to buy Winter's Gifts and let it heal your relationship to your child self, please do it. Please do it.

All right, I'm going to read. "Donnie touches a frost covered branch on the oak tree in her yard. She shivers. Winter or a baboon is coming in a few days. Our family will light a fire or oshkode and think about the darkest night of the year. Many of her friends are afraid of the dark, but not Donnie. The dark feels like a hug. And winter is a time for cozy hugs. The dark of winter reminds us to rest, even the bears rest in winter." And then there's a section here, "Donnie thinks about the gifts of winter. They're different from the gifts that come during the holidays. Winter's gifts are telling stories and waiting. Another gift of winter is resting like the bears. After we rest for a while, the sun brings back the grass, the flowers, and the leaves on the trees."

So I think that thinking about winter as this, reminding ourselves that it's this preparation time. That the bears, they're resting for a reason. They know what's coming when spring comes. And even the plants, the plants that die aren't just dead, but they know what's coming in spring when everything's going to come to life again. And I think that that's beautiful. This time of covering ourselves up, going inward, waiting, asking what the waiting means in preparation for what comes next. I think thinking of winter that way, I think helps me. It's a waiting time, but it's also a preparation time.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Oh, I love that imagery that the darkness of winter is like a hug. Oh, that's so good. That is for children, but it is for adults and all the kids inside of us too, to remember that. Kaitlin, thank you so much. And you're not going to get me in my tear ducts today. Kaitlin started reading them pages, child. I'm about to be in here crying and crying. Oh my gosh. Tell the people where they can buy five copies of this book. Y'all know how I do.

Anytime someone's here talking to us about a book, I don't want you to buy one, buy five. That way when somebody comes to your house and they're like, "Oh my gosh, what's this book?" You can be like, "Oh, look, here's one. You could take that one with you." You have one you keep in your house. So where can they buy five copies of this book and how can they stay connected to your work? I have heard wind about your Substack community that there's some newsletter writing. Just tell us everything, Kaitlin. Tell us everything.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yes. So the best way to find anything is on my website. So kaitlincurtice.com. All the books are there. All the ways to order them. And, yeah, The Liminality Journal, this will be... I think that your listeners will appreciate this. The Liminality Journal is in my Substack. We write poetry together. We talk about liminal space, the gray area. Like this, this is what we're talking about, all the in-between where we don't really have the answers yet. And right now, I'm writing a series called After Church, and it's for people who have left institutional church community and are trying to figure out what community looks like after. And I think that that's along the exact same vein of what we've been talking about.

And again, there are a lot of us that are making those decisions, are in the middle of that decision or have already left, but are still part of a spirituality, a deep faith, whatever that may be. How do we build community again? Or how do we keep building it in an intentional, ethical way? So that's a new series that I have and really loving it as triggering as it's writing it. But, yeah, I'm on Instagram all the time, sharing my books, and I travel and speak. So, yeah, look up my website. I mean, it's all there. And I would love to say hi to anybody at my events. And, yeah, please buy five copies of my book. That would be awesome.

Amena Brown:

Buy five. Thank you all. Thank you all. Kaitlin, thank you for always saying yes to coming on here and talking with me-

Kaitlin Curtice:

Oh, I love it.

Amena Brown:

... and just sharing your processing and your work with us. I know that it really enriches the listeners and me, so thank you so much.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Thank you. So good to see you.

Amena Brown:

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women podcast network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 127

Amena Brown:

Oh, y'all welcome back to a new episode of HER with Amena Brown. And we are here in the living room and we have a guest and I'm very, very excited. I want y'all to welcome psychologist, theologian, author of I Bring The Voices of My People, a womanist vision of racial reconciliation, Too Heavy a Yoke: Black Women and the Burden of Strength. And her newest book, Sacred Self-Care: Daily Practices for Nurturing Our Whole Selves. Welcome, Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barnes.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

Hi, I'm so glad to be here. I am so glad to be here. I hope you're watching the clock, because you know how we do when we start talking.

Amena Brown:

I mean, if it has to be a two-part episode, Dr. Chanequa, I'm not mad at it. I'm not mad, okay. If I have to be, "Well, okay, that's part one. Thank y'all so much. Join us next week for part two." Y'all, let me tell y'all something, I'm excited to have you here, Dr. Chanequa, because before your book came out, your latest book that I'm going to say the name again, so y'all can just go to y'all bookseller and order five. But before this book came out, Sacred Self-Care, I have wanted to have you here in this living room to talk self-care, because you are one of my favorite voices on the topic.

So when this cover came out and you were like, "This is my next book," I was like, "Yes, come on." We have so much to discuss y'all. Okay. So Dr. Chanequa and I actually live in the same city. We just be seeing each other mostly when we go out of town. See each other all over the country, child, all over the country. In Chicago, in DC somewhere, in Los Angeles. See each other almost every place except Atlanta. And finally within the last couple of years, we managed to be people who have tea sometimes, who take a little walk, get hydrated. So y'all, I've been working my way into being Dr. Chanequa friend, so I'm very happy to be here.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. It's too much. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

So let me start with asking you about this. So when I'm here in what we call the HER living room, that's what I like to refer to this podcast space as, because I always imagine that is... I'm trying to make this the space I gather with my girlfriends. A lot of times we just trying to get together and catch up and we will do that any way that we can. If I have some hummus I opened up a couple of days ago and you got a bell pepper you cut up a little bit, bring your Ziploc bag and just come to the house. I'll bring my hummus to your house. We just bring our snacks together. So I want to know, Dr. Chanequa, when you are gathering with your girlfriends, your people-people, what is the snack that you would typically be walking in the door with? Are you a person who wants to make a snack? Are you a person who's like, "Never. I will always buy a snack." What are your snack vibes? Discuss.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

I like to be the person who will make a snack, right? That's the person I think of myself as. That's the person I want to be. I want to be the person that will bake a cake. That's what I want to be. I want to be the person that will bake a cake, a pound cake, or a strawberry cake. I want to be that person. Increasingly, I'm not that person. I'm the person that is going to be like, "I know this nice bakery. I'm going to go grab something."

Amena Brown:

Because they already did it.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

Now I do believe if I'm going to bring the dessert I didn't bake, at least let me go find somebody who does them well and get that.

Amena Brown:

I respect this as a choice.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

I mean, Publix does some good cakes though, but I'm generally not going to bring you that store-bought cake. I'm like, "Let me at least go somewhere where I know somebody put in some time."

Amena Brown:

We in a bakery-bakery, Okay. All right.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

A bakery-bakery. Be like, yeah, let me me get that carrot cake back... Yeah, that looks good. Give me the whole thing.

Amena Brown:

I respect this as a choice. First of all, I feel like you might be the first guest I've had that said cake was the snack of choice they walked in with. I have a lot of reasons to like you. You know what I'm saying? We have a lot of things in common. I think you're great. But the fact that you said, "I want to be a person who walks in with a cake," I was like, "Boy, let's really applaud that," because who doesn't need cake at the end of a long day, long week? I feel like it shouldn't just be reserved for birthdays and things like that.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

No. Yes, we need cake. Right? Yes.

Amena Brown:

I love that as a choice. I mean, I remember going through a time where if I was having a bad week, I would really go and get the half dozen cupcakes at Publix and they would be like, "Oh, it's your birthday." "No, no, I've just decided that it's a cupcake time for me. So I'm going to take all six of these to my home and I will divide them out over the next few days as I need." If they make it a few days is the thing, I'm going to divide them out as I need. So I thank you for bringing cake into the living room today. That's very great. I'm like if you inviting your friend over and you open up the door and your friend is holding a cake, like wow, that's great. I stand for that. Thank you. Thank you for bringing that into the living room today, Dr. Chanequa.

Okay, let me tell y'all something about Dr. Chanequa, and she and I talked about this a little bit, but as it relates to my own self-care journey. One of the things I really loved about this book is the amount of times that you are communicating to us that self-care is a journey. It's not something that you wake up one day and now you know all of the things to do. It's a journey of knowing how to care for yourself, that you should, and then what those things are. So Dr. Chanequa, before I knew her, knew her, played a big role in my self-care journey with Too Heavy a Yoke: Black Women and the Burden of Strength.

Dr. Chanequa and I've talked about this, but I'm telling y'all, because some of the things me and Chanequa be talking about, it's not for y'all, but this part is. So I'm going to tell y'all this part. I had fibroid surgery, I think I've talked about this on the podcast before, very intense fibroid surgery. I had eight and a half pounds of tumor removed and six to eight week recovery, which for me ended up being eight to 10 weeks, because I had a complication post-surgery also. So I had to choose what I was going to do. That was my first time in a long time, really having to do nothing. You can't lift your arms up beyond a certain height at that point. You can't carry certain weight in your arms at that point. Couldn't drive. So it was really like I had to really sit down, sit down. I chose three books. I chose Bell Hooks, Sisters of the Yam, to read during that time. I chose Edna Lewis's The Taste of Country Cooking. And I chose Too Heavy a Yoke. Those were my three books.

And you and I both having worked in and out of various white spaces, various white Christian spaces as well, having that time where I didn't have events to go to and I didn't have meetings I had to be at, and really just reading Too Heavy a Yoke and reflecting on all of the things that were on my plate. That was really the beginning of me going, "Here I'm in a time where nothing's on my plate, because all I can do is heal at this moment." So when it's time to, air quotes, go back to work, now I have more information to decide what should actually go back onto the plate. And you did such a great job laying that out in a very particular way for Black women in that book and just acknowledging how much we carry on our shoulders and our families and our personal lives, in our community work, and then our jobs, all these things.

So if you are listening to this and you have not read Too Heavy a Yoke, just I want you to just go to your bookseller and look up Chanequa Walker-Barnes and put all these books right here. Put them all in your cart, do that. Go to the bookstore and say her name and then say, "Whatever books are there, let me buy them," because all of these are great.

So this takes me into the journey of this book, because it was really wonderful to get to hear in your own journey now how you came to a place of saying, "Self-care is not just me going to get my nails done, although that's good and fine, but it's not just that. Here I'm actually going to have an expansive practice of this." So talk to me about the journey of you knowing, "This is a book now. This is a book that I need to write."

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

Yeah, it's wild, because I was practicing intentionally self-care for about 20 years before I wrote this book. And when I started practicing self-care, very quickly after that I started teaching it and I knew I was going to write a book about it, because when I started with a few little changes, it changed my life so much, so quickly. That immediately I was like, "I got to teach other women about this. This is the thing we need to be doing." And I knew I was going to write about it, but I didn't know when I had enough to say. I am one of those people that I reflect a lot and work things out and teach them and see how they land. And then I'm like, "Okay, now I'm ready." And so I had to go through that process of just kind of trial and error and honestly failure and recovery a lot. Then trying to teach people and being like, "That didn't land the way I wanted it to or I don't know if that was as helpful to folks," before I finally sat down and was like, "I think this is a book."

But yeah, so I was just doing it and honestly I thought a lot of people knew what I know like that. So for a while I was like, "I think people are probably tired of me speaking about self-care in all these meetings I'm at, because everybody knows this." I decided to create a course around self-care, I did this whole Instagram challenge on self-care. That's when I began to realize, "Oh, people don't actually know what I know." Part of it is because a lot of people have learned to think about self-care in these really capitalistic ways. So corporations want to market self-care to us now. They want us to go buy something, they want us to go take a trip somewhere. And those are great things. I'm not saying those are not good things, those are great things, but that's not really what self-care to me is really about at its heart. And so at some point I realized, "Oh wait, I do know something here that not everybody is thinking about it in this same way and it will be helpful for me to actually write this for other people."

Amena Brown:

Mm-hmm. I really love that you're speaking to how we actually practice self-care without the lens of capitalism. You talked about this in the book as far as capitalism is concerned, but even generally, you talked in the book about the idea that we will have inside that self-care is not attainable or that it is something that we should just keep pushing to the side. It's not something that we should make a priority of, number one. But then in some ways it can become like, "Oh, that's not financially attainable." If self-care is I need to pay for this massage, I need to be able to pay for this kind of appointment or that kind of service, then it starts to seem like self-care is leaving out a lot of people.

So what are your thoughts around how we can practice self-care? And again, not to say a girl doesn't like a foot massage, et cetera. Hey, these things also wonderful, but you going to need to care for yourself even if you are not in a moment of life where you can afford the things that will cost money. So what did the beginnings of practicing self-care without necessarily thinking about it in the ways of things we can buy or services we can buy? What did that look like for you?

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

Yeah, see, when I first started talking about self-care and thinking about it, it wasn't this commercialized thing. And so for me, it started with some simple practices, because I knew I was in the habit of taking care of everybody else first. So I started thinking about what do I need? I needed to exercise. So it was like, "Okay, I need to exercise." I didn't join a gym to exercise. Like walk in the neighborhood. I did buy some workout videos and did them at home. I joined this running group where we go out and run.

I needed to spend time nurturing my spiritual health. So I started getting up to pray and meditate every day. I used affirmations. So I wrote down on some index cards, like five affirmations that I used to structure my day. And when I woke up in the morning, I repeated the affirmations to myself and at different points in the day.

Then I needed to hydrate, because I had this habit of not drinking enough water. I actually in the beginning didn't even like water. So I had to learn how to like water. I grew up in a Kool-Aid household.

Amena Brown:

Okay. Shout out to Kool-Aid-

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

Who likes water? Who wants to drink that?

Amena Brown:

... which masqueraded as water, because you're watching it be made. I mean, the water to Kool-Aid ratio seemed like, isn't this water? Indeed-

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

It's water.

Amena Brown:

... it was not. I think you found.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

It was not. So yes, I had to learn how to... And so those were actually my foundational practices. None of those required me to really go out and spend lots of money. What it did require me to do was give myself my time. And that was actually the harder part, right? Yeah, I was doing massage back then. I was doing the day spas back then, but if you talk to me about the day-to-day practices, I don't have time for that. And so for me, it was learning to think about my daily time in a different way. To say, "In the morning before I rush off to work, I actually can sit down and meditate and pray and write in my journal. I can start my day with that. I can afford to start my day with that, or I can shift some things around or I can get up earlier, because that's important to me." And the other thing I started doing was taking an actual lunch break

Amena Brown:

Huh, my, my.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

So those of us who are creatives, we don't always take actual lunch breaks. We work through lunch. There's nobody saying, "Clock out, go take your 30 minutes right now." And so we just stop taking the 30 minutes and we just sit at our desk and we keep going. And so I started making myself take a actual lunch break. Even if I stayed in my office, I backed away from the computer, turned things off and sat and ate for half an hour or walked outside or something. Those were simple things. It did not require money, but it was a hard shift. It was so hard for me to do those simple things.

Amena Brown:

Right. It just makes me think about how I went through a season of time where I would have a day in my week that was for coffees. So it was like anyone that had reached out that was like, "Oh, Amena, I haven't seen you in a long time. Let's catch up. Or Oh, I had this question I wanted to ask about writing whatever." "Sure." And so I would have Tuesdays for coffees and look up and you just sitting down having coffee with people from 10:00 to 7:00 PM. You had coffee, coffee, lunch, coffee, coffee, coffee, dinner. My therapist was like, "Run that back. Run that back to me, why that's happening."

And she was like, "Especially all the other things you have going on in your life." She was like, "I want you to shut that down and stop with all the coffees. Give me 90 days of no coffees." And when I shifted that time and realized how it does take time to care for myself. So if I'm given all these hours over here, I'm not thinking about the moment that you described that I might want at the beginning of my day or the moment I might want eating lunch, because I've already given the time away in a way before I had time to think about it and account for it. So then when my 90 days is up, she's like, "Now let's go back and think about who do you really want to go to coffee with?"

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

That's the thing,

Amena Brown:

Who rejuvenates you? Who makes you laugh? Who feels... It feels refreshing? Go to coffee with those people.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

With those people. Yep.

Amena Brown:

And then that's going to narrow you down. That's two to three people. That's it. That's not everybody. That's not everybody. So the time shift, I love that you mentioned that, because just taking that away from my schedule. Then when I gave that time back to myself and realized if you are going to take some time and exercise and drink your water and do these things, it will maybe not leave time for some of the other things that you may find have been draining you.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

Yeah. Yeah. So self-care, it requires making some decisions about how you're going to spend your time. And it isn't always the fun immediately gratifying stuff like exercise. I remember once Oprah saying she still didn't like exercise, after all that she'd done to lose weight. And she was like, "Yeah, I still don't like it." I'm that person.

Amena Brown:

Same.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

I still would really rather just sit and read or watch TV or just Netflix is... Yeah, I would rather do that. But I know what happens to my body if I don't exercise. I know how many days a week I need to exercise to feel good. If I go more than a certain number of days, I know my body starts to feel it. So self-care isn't even always doing the feel good stuff, but it's about doing the things we need to do in order to sustain our health. And for me, yeah, exercise is one of those, and it takes time. Drinking water is one of those, and it takes time, because I be running to the bathroom all day, all day.

Amena Brown:

It's that part. Mm-hmm. It's that part. You really start trying to drink your water and now you like, "It's taking me time to sit here and drink this water. And then it's taking me time to go to the bathroom," which is what the body should do.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

Yes, it's supposed to.

Amena Brown:

That's what the body should do. But you need some time for that. You need some time for that.

Say what you were about to say again, about the time that you were not drinking water. I do want you to speak to this, because people will be having a hard time with the water and it helps to hear a little bit of some water testimonial of the people who were like, "I was a person who did not drink the water. Herein I have gone on a journey." So say the thing you were about to say.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

Yeah. So there was a time where I didn't, and it was because the bathrooms at my job, I didn't want to use them. I've always been particular about bathrooms. I don't want to use public bathrooms. I didn't want to use the bathrooms at my job. And so I would go to work all day and drink very little. I might drink 16 ounces of tea and that's it. I was talking to my doctor and I had this doctor who was this Black man my age, who was very matter of fact with me.

And he basically told me, he was like, "If you keep doing this, if you keep holding in all day when you need to go to the bathroom," he said, "Eventually your body is going to shut down on you and you will lose complete control of your bladder and your bowel." So he was like, "So that's your choice. You either figure out how to go to the bathroom so you can drink water during the day, or you recognize that later on, this is what's coming for you." And I was like, "I guess I'm making peace with this bathroom now."

And the thing is, the bathroom wasn't even bad. It just wasn't my bathroom. It wasn't that I worked at a school where it was nasty. It wasn't any of that. We had a really good team. They took care of it. It wasn't my bathroom though. It wasn't the way I would've done it, so I was avoiding it. And so I had to learn, go to the bathroom.

Amena Brown:

Go to the bathroom. That's the thing right there is just try. For those of you that are out here trying to get on your water drinking journey, I have heard, and I feel this is true, that in your initial time of trying to rehydrate, you going more often, because your body is like, "what? What's going on here?"

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

What is going on? Yeah.

Amena Brown:

Okay. But then after a while, you'll settle into more of a rhythm. You might come to a place where your body can handle, you might start off, you have a little eight ounce of water and you're like, "Oh my gosh, I feel like I had to go to the bathroom 17 times." But then you might even out a little bit, just stay with it is what we trying to say. People who are trying to drink water, stay with it. Do the things you can. It does so many good things for you, but you will need to make that time to go to the bathroom. That's true.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

Yes. Yes, you will.

Amena Brown:

What I love about the structure of this book is, and those of you that are about to be looking at your own purchase copies of Sacred Self-care, I love that this is a weekly experience. So each week is dedicated to a theme, and then in the week you have a reading for each day that may have some activities, some suggested journal prompts, things like this. You have devoted an entire week to practicing self-compassion. Can you talk more about this? Because when we hear self-care, this has become a buzzword. So in some ways we hear that and our minds immediately think what we've seen on an ad or in a magazine or wherever we see advertisements. But then when you start saying, "Well, we're talking about self-care, the actual definition and a part of self-care is to have self-compassion." Describe why that is important in the journey of Sacred Self-Care.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

Yeah. So as a pastoral care professor, I start my semester when I teach my intro class, breaking down what pastoral care is. And when I talk about the care part, I go to compassion, that this is an expression of compassion and empathy that we have for other people. And because I work so much with ministry and activists types, what would always strike me is that the people who can't take care of themselves are so good at taking care of other people. They have so much compassion and empathy for other people, but can't direct it toward themselves. And in my own journey of self-care, I realized that the biggest barrier to my self-care is my lack of compassion for myself.

That I treat my body, I treat myself in ways I would never treat another person, ever. I mean, all of us, we will encourage other people to be doing things and taking care of themselves in ways that we are not doing for ourselves. "You know you need to get some sleep. You know you need to rest," but we're not resting. And so I realized that the issue is not that we don't know how to care. We don't know how to turn that care towards ourselves, and that self-care meant we had to learn how to turn the care we already have, just turn it inward. Treat other people the way you would like to be treated, no, treat yourself the way you treat other people.

Amena Brown:

Right. That.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

That was the thing. I was like, "Oh, right, I'm doing it, just not for me. So let me start." Can we do it for ourselves? I talk about self-talk as part of self-compassion, because so much of the way you can see our lack of self-compassion, is how we talk about and to ourselves. The messages we send to ourselves, the way we criticize ourselves. Again, we never do this to other people. Some of the stuff I say in my head to me about me, I would never utter to another person. But why am I doing it to myself?

So I talked about my affirmations. My first affirmation, which I still keep going back to, is I am worthy of self-care, because I realized that the reason I wasn't giving myself my time, was because ultimately I thought everybody else was more deserving of my time than I was. Job more deserving, family more deserving, church more deserving. Everybody's more deserving of my time than I am. And so for me, I had to learn, no wait, I'm worthy of my time. I'm worthy of my attention, I'm worthy of my care, and yeah, I'm worthy of my money too. The times when I do decide that I want the pedicure, I want the... I'm worthy of that. Again, I would do it for other people. I do it for other people all the time. I can give myself my own good energy.

Amena Brown:

Mm-hmm. Yes, yes, because we don't think that we are worthy. When y'all get into this book, that's the part that really starts getting into you doing some work right there. That's the part where self-care is getting underneath the pampering appointments that we can make or, I'm a candle girl, so underneath the candles we might want to buy to have in our house. A part of what I loved about the book is it has so much practicality, the questions we can ask ourselves, the things we can consider, which is why have I not felt like I am worthy of that time? What messages have been there for me to say, everyone else deserves me except for me.

Yeah. Oh, that's so powerful. I want to ask you, this is in part a selfish question, because I have a milestone coming up and I was talking to some friends and I was like, "I feel like I should celebrate this. And I'm struggling a little bit trying to allow myself to celebrate this." And I feel like we all have the friends in our lives that it's their birthday, they got a promotion, they bought a new broom, whatever the thing is that they did. We all have friends in our lives that are those people that are like, "Girl, I bought a new broom. Y'all come to the house, y'all meet me at the restaurant." And sometimes I would be like, "Wow, why is my friend so extra about this?" But then when I would really think about it, I would be like, "I mean, my girl deserves to celebrate her new broom, her new house, her new boo, her new car, she got a new dog, let's go eat some food."

I don't know. And you talked about the place of joy in our journey as self-care. Y'all, Dr. Chanequa had a momentous birthday. She had invited me to participate in one of her celebrations. What I was at, was not the only celebration. I was so honored to be invited. I put my little cute clothes on. I was ready for these balloons and whatever we was going to have, and I was so, I don't know what the word is, Dr. Chanequa. It just does my heart good to see my friends and the people I love celebrate themselves like that. Can you talk about what is the place of joy in our self-care? And can you talk about what has your journey been in learning how to celebrate yourself as a part of your self-care journey?

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

Yeah. So I think joy for me is an emotional self-care tool. So when I started talking about this and thinking about self-care and even teaching about it, and I would teach people about emotional self-care being important, but I focused on emotional self-care is taking care of the bad emotions. So go to therapy. If you have a diagnosis, handle that diagnosis. Use boundaries. It was that type of things, because I want to manage my anger. I want to manage the sadness. But then I realized, no, it's not just about managing the negative things. I actually need to be increasing the positive emotions. I need to feel joy. I need to feel laughter. I need to feel happiness. For me, that part of my self-care journey, I won't say it was accidental, but it was part of what happened during my cancer treatment. When during cancer treatment, I realized that there was so much that was so hard and so heavy that I had to be intentional about finding joy.

Especially because I was sequestered a lot, because you're worried about infection and injury and it's just like, so the surgeries, it was surgery after surgery. We're like, "Okay, now I'm stuck at home. I can't do the work that brings me joy. I got to cancel these trips. I can't even do family gatherings, because I explained to my doctor, I'm from a Black family, they're going to hug me."

Amena Brown:

They will hug.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

And she was like, "Yeah, no. No Thanksgiving for you." She was like, "Yeah, no, your immune system. No." And so I was like, "Okay, so I'm just staying home." So I had to be really intentional about seeking joy, and I was good at doing it in the small ways. I was good at making sure I'm laughing every day, and if nothing has happened in my life to make me laugh today, then let me go find some funny puppy videos or funny baby videos. Those are my go-tos, I'm like, I'm on YouTube for the next 20 minutes. I am watching babies or puppies or babies and puppies is really great. I watched some yesterday with these...

Amena Brown:

I will say I go down a guilty dog's rabbit hole when the pet owners are finding Libby or whoever messed up the house with the ears down and sulking around. Those videos do your heart good. I see that.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

They really do. And so I was good at that. And then same as you, I noticed at a point I wasn't good at celebrating myself. So I got a new job, promoted to full professor. It's a really huge deal. There's a handful of Black women who were full professors in theological education across the whole country. It's a very small number. It was a really big deal. I didn't do anything. I didn't even think about it. I'm in this Facebook group of Black women in the academy, and folks started talking about what they did to celebrate their tenure decisions. They took these grand trips.

One woman, she had ended 10 years as dean or department chair or something. And so she bought herself 10 bottles of wine to celebrate ending a position. It was like, "And I am going to be working my way through these 10 bottles of wine over the next few weeks." And I was like, "Oh, was I supposed to celebrate something?" And so I thought about that. I was like, "Yeah, that's part of what I want to do." And so I went from, "Why are they doing all this? To wait a minute, they should be doing this, and I should too." The funny thing though was when I got ready to start celebrating myself, I didn't know what to do.

Amena Brown:

Okay, speak to that, Dr. Chanequa, because there's the phases. It's like the first phase of, "I should celebrate myself." Then the second phase of realizing, "I don't know how to do this." Speak to this.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

I don't know how to do this. Yep. So my 49th birthday was approaching, and I was like, "Yeah, I'm going to celebrate myself this year. I'm going to do a great, great birthday celebration." The date is approaching. I'm like, "What? So how do I do that? What do I do?" And I ended up being so overwhelmed that I essentially did nothing, because I was just like, "I don't know what to do." And then I realized the other thing, that word again, time. I hadn't given myself time to plan anything, and my schedule was packed. I didn't have time. And so I basically decided, "Okay, I failed at this." But I started looking ahead. I was like, "Okay, 49, next year is 50." And next year it was also my 25th wedding anniversary. I was like, "Okay, those, I can't let this happen again." So what that meant was I realized I need practice. I need practice to celebrate in small ways. So when I get up to the big one I know how.

Then I also knew, okay, and clearly I need time. So I'm not supposed to wait till a month before the birthday to plan the birthday party. I actually need to start thinking now. So I started really just marking out time. I'm going to need this time around this event. I'm going to have to cut off on some other things, because I need to be planning my own celebrations. I need to make sure I'm going to have energy for my own celebration. Are there small ways I can practice celebrating myself? Oh, I get a book contract. What's my celebration for that? No longer than let me just sign it and post on Facebook. No, something needs to happen. Yeah, and sometimes that is when I'll go full capitalist. Right now I'm going to buy myself something to celebrate that. I can't do that. I want a trip. And so over the past two years now, I have been practicing celebrating myself.

Initially I had to really think about it and plan it. And then it started happening more spontaneously like yesterday. So today is the fifth anniversary of my second cancer diagnosis. So as of today, I'm officially five years in remission.

Amena Brown:

Yes, Chanequa, yes.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

Right. And five is a huge number. The chances of recurrence are smaller if you reach five. So I reached five. Yesterday, all of a sudden I was like, I'd already planned I want to do stuff. And then Sunday I was like, "I think I want to wear a breast cancer shirt every day this week, but I don't have enough shirts. I need to go to Michael's. I need to make some shirts." I should be doing other things, but I want to make some shirts.

And then I'm like, "Is this shirt really appropriate for work?" I'm like, "They going to deal with it, because I'm celebrating. I'm wearing my shirts." And so I did that. And then yesterday I was like, "I need a balloon." A balloon to me, if you'd asked me a few years ago, I would've said, that is the most frivolous, useless thing to spend some money on. You blow it up, it stays up for a few hours and then it deflates. And then what it is just [inaudible 00:40:11]. I thought that was dumb. I used to say flowers, why do flowers? They're just going to die.

Amena Brown:

Okay. It's the practicality for me, it's the, "Let's make that make sense."

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

So yesterday I was like, "I think I want a balloon. I'm going Party City. I'm getting a balloon." And so there is now a big five in front of my house. Huge. Nobody knows what it's for unless it's my neighbors who really know me. But it's there. I was so happy all day yesterday looking at that balloon, and I just kept walking around and being like, five.

Amena Brown:

I know that's right. I love it. And you talked about this in the book in a way too. You talked about the need for us to play, but also I think celebration involves sometimes us letting ourselves get silly, get to where we're enjoying so much joy that we experience just feeling silly with being happy. And that is what things like balloons and cake and things like that make you so happy. You're just like, "Oh, I'm so happy. I feel silly in the best way. I love it."

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

Right. Yeah. I mean, that's why the joy of children is so infectious, because it's so innocent and it is not self-absorbed in any way. It's just, this is joyful. There was a kid in a coffee shop the other day, everything he passed, he was like, "Mommy, look at that pumpkin. Mommy, look at that." And I was cracking up, because he was genuinely thrilled by everything and needed his mom to look at it too so she'd be as happy. And I'm like, "Yes, I want that."

Amena Brown:

Yeah, okay, yes, please.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

I just walked past that same stuff and barely looked at it. But to see it through his eyes, he's like, "Wow, somebody put that skeleton up there. Look at that."

Amena Brown:

Oh my gosh, I love it. We need that reminder.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

Yes. So yeah, so whatever we can do for ourselves with that. We recognize balloons make kids happy, they make grownups happy too. What's the thing that we do to be happy? We tend to socialize ourselves away from that and think we're not supposed to want that stuff, but it's just how we're wired. You look at all animals playing. When I noticed dogs playing, especially when dogs play with each other and you see the joy, you're like, "This is really how we as mammals are wired." We're wired to need this. Dogs don't outgrow it. They might get slower with it, but a dog can be 12 years old and they still will try to play.

Amena Brown:

Still be ready to play, mm-hmm.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

Ready to play.

Amena Brown:

Be like, "You got a ball, somebody got a ball. I thought somebody brought a ball in here. Did somebody bring a ball in here? I'm ready to toss the ball. You going to throw it? Are you throwing it? Because I stay ready to play."

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

Yes. And so we need that too. We somehow convinced ourselves that we don't. We are all trying to be cool teenagers still. I don't want people to see me being happy. I'm too cool for that. It's like we're caught in adolescence forever, and we're still thinking people can't see us happy.

Amena Brown:

Right. I think that's what came to my mind when I was thinking about my friends who I have somehow deemed lovingly extra. My friends who I know when her birthday come, it's going to be like a three-part weekend. If she had the money of Sean Puffy Combs, Morocco. It would've been like, "Lets all of us all jump on a flight and go to Morocco." And for so many years, I would just be like, "Oh, look at my friend who is so lovingly extra." And then I would get by myself and be like, "It's beautiful to celebrate yourself." But y'all, here's the part where you start digging into self-care and you pick out your favorite nail polish, and before you know it, you crying about why you were raised to believe that you shouldn't celebrate yourself. I'm telling you, it comes at you fast.

It comes at you fast, where you're like, "I thought I was polishing my nails. For some reason I'm crying about something somebody said to me at church. What's that about? How did that happen?" But that's a part of it, because when you can dig under there to say, "What is it that makes me feel I shouldn't celebrate myself?" And this is just us using this as an example y'all. You'll find different examples here in the book too. But to ask those questions, what is it that is the barrier there for me? Why do I feel it is extra to celebrate oneself?

Why is that an extra thing to do versus just a standard? I mean, everyone's going to have different versions of what celebration looks like, but just standard that you would celebrate yourself. I love what you said about practicing that. I'm really going to take that home with me, because I do think there are things that we feel should come naturally to us. We should naturally just be able to start playing again, even though we haven't been playful in 10 years, or we should be able to just start planning a celebration. But you actually need moments to practice so that you can feel how the win of those smaller moments may feel that will help you have the skills to be able to go further.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

Yeah, because sometimes we learn to celebrate ourselves if we come from families that value celebration, that can help us. But a lot of us, I know for me, I realized, oh, my mom doesn't celebrate herself. Oh, there's a whole track record here of not celebrating herself. So I didn't learn how to do it, because she didn't know how to do it. And so then it becomes, "Okay, so now I know what my barrier is, so how do I change this?" So I don't have ideas. I need to look for inspiration, because this doesn't come natural to me, because I don't have a whole track record. I don't have a family history of this. I mean, I'm the same way, like the cousins who got a birthday party every year.

Amena Brown:

Not just for the big birthday, but every year, honey.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

Every year? Your mama do that every... Even as a kid, I'm like, "But why? Why?"

Amena Brown:

Exactly, why? That's the question.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

And now I'm finally like, "Oh, right." That was great that they were teaching them that your birthday is a special occasion and it deserves to be marked. And I wish I did have that message. So now I'm trying to give that to myself now. But a lot of times we do have to do some digging to try to figure out what's the barrier here. And sometimes it lies in our family history. It lies in socialization. Its not even just, it lies in money family history, because there are families that struggle, but they also try to figure out a way.

Amena Brown:

Exactly.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

For a special day to feel special. And so sometimes it's other stuff, and it's not necessarily money, but to figure out, "Oh, I just don't have practice, because this isn't what we've been doing in my family, and I don't have to stay there." I can develop a skill. I think for me, self-care is just that. It's a skill. For some of us, we weren't taught it. For most of us, we weren't taught it. This is not what we learned. Nobody gave us a handbook on how to take care of us. They didn't say, "This is what you pay attention to. Pay attention to your body's signals. Learn to respond this way." Nobody does that. And so for many of us, self-care then does become this skill. For me, it's a skill in learning how to pay attention to myself. What is my body telling me it needs? Oh, do something about that little stuff. Taking medicine.

I had a vaccine. I got my shingles vaccine. You want to talk about good marketing? That shingles commercial, that's some good marketing right there. Shingles doesn't care.

Amena Brown:

Right, I was like, "Damn, [inaudible 00:49:14]. Let me figure out something."

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

I was like, "Honey, go get this appointment, because shingles doesn't care."

Amena Brown:

It doesn't care.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

And so I got it, and oh my God, the thing makes you so sick.

Amena Brown:

Oh, I didn't know that.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

You're in pain. Yes, you have to prepare not to do anything for 24 hours after that shot, because you're in so much pain and chills. And I was really proud of myself, because early in the pain, once I realized it was there, I was like, "I can take medicine for that." And that for me is huge, because I used to just suffer without medicine. Then it started hitting me, "Oh, there's a thing called pain medication. You can take it."

Amena Brown:

It can provide you relief. My my.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

But for me, the self-care part is first noticing. And literally, I had to notice I was in pain, because my husband and I both did the shot. And later on he said, "And how are you feeling about the vaccine?" And I was like, "Oh, well, now that you mention it, that's what that is." And so I had to notice it and then once it got... It was like, "Okay, that's increasing now. I'm aware. Okay. That is really uncomfortable now." And for me to realize, "Okay, I think I'm kind of past my threshold of just sitting with this and then realizing there is a thing called pain medication. We have some, it's right there in the bathroom." Just go get that.

Amena Brown:

And we have some.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

Take that little pill. You'll feel better.

Amena Brown:

That's it. That's it. That's why it's there to help you. My my.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

It's there. Again, I would do it for my son in the heartbeat, in a heartbeat. The moment my child says, "Mommy, I feel-" "Oh, what's that? Let's see what that's about."

Amena Brown:

I'm about to pull out the drawer. Where's the sick box?

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

Everything stops. Yes. How serious is it? Do we need to go to the doctor? We will drop everything if necessary. But at a minimum, "Okay, you have these symptoms. We have this medication. Okay, here, take this, son." And then I'm putting a reminder on my phone to like, "All right, come back and give him another dosing in four to six hours." I'm going to do all that by myself. I'll just be in pain. And it doesn't occur to me. There is relief.

Amena Brown:

There is relief. I didn't know that we was going to get a word today, but there is relief.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

There is relief.

Amena Brown:

Oh, yes. You don't have to, in some things, sit and suffer through.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

That is a way you can also show compassion to yourself. If I sit up here with Dr. Chanequa, do y'all understand that me and Dr. Chanequa, if y'all want a 48-hour episode, that me and Dr. Chanequa really sit up here? Do you understand? I want to ask you two more questions. My second to last question is, when you think about people now having this book physically in their hands, in their devices, however they're reading this, what are you hoping the reader feels or experiences when they get to the end of this book?

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

Well, I want to change people's lives with this book, and I want to save people's lives with this book. So what I hope is that people in this book committed to starting a journey. That when they end that it's just the beginning. That when people, they're like, "Okay, I've been practicing some little tidbits here and there, but now I'm about to really put this together into my own plan for self-care and that I'm about to try to live into this and walk into this." So I really want this book to not just be something people read and then put down and forget about it, but I want it to be a therapeutic book. This was me trying to put my clinical skills onto a page and saying, "If I was your therapist and we were working on self-care, by the end of our time together, you will be practicing self-care consistently for yourself." That's what I want.

Amena Brown:

I love it. Where can the people find out more information about you, follow you so that they can have links to buy five copies. Y'all know how I do? Don't just buy one. Listen, buy five copies. Why? Then you have yours. Then inevitably, when other people are like, "Oh, what's that book you was telling me?" You have an extra copy, you can hand over to somebody. So where can they follow your work and also buy five copies of this?

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

Yeah. So you can find me online at drchanequa.com, and I have a Substack that I write in weekly, and you'll find the link to that. You can also find me on Instagram and Twitter at Dr. Chanequa. Yeah. So find me, follow me, reach out to me, follow me. I hope that we will continue to have the conversation, because really, I'm still learning about self-care, and so I keep writing about the next phases of what I'm thinking about and the ways in which my journey is stretching and growing and I'm learning new things. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

Oh, I love that. Y'all make sure you go to these things. We're going to have these links in the show notes. Dr. Chanequa, I just want to thank you for being here and agreeing to this time. I appreciate that so much, and thank you for sharing your journey with us. I think it helps us. I know it helps me, and I hope it helps your readers and the listeners here to know that self-care is a journey. It's a skill You could be continuing to learn for the rest of your life. You don't have to have all of these high barriers to keep you from it. There's always a small step we can take to care more for ourselves. And one thing you said in this book that I really loved, is when we care for ourselves, it also helps us to care for other people too. So Dr. Chanequa, thank you so much. I appreciate you.

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barne:

Thank you so much.

Amena Brown:

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 126

Amena Brown:

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to a new episode of HER with Amena Brown. Y'all know I get so excited about bringing people into our living room, so I want you to welcome nonprofit thought leader and chief executive officer of Mercy Corps, Tjada McKenna. Woo.

Tjada McKenna:

Thank you. It's so much fun to be here. I'm so excited. Thanks for having me.

Amena Brown:

Tjada, I have a lot that I want to dive into with you today because I had a long time in my career that I worked in nonprofit space from the artist end, if that makes sense, so a lot of partnering with organizations and different nonprofit brands. There is so much about your work that I think will be really valuable to our listeners and especially to the women of color in this community. But as always, Tjada, we got to start with snacks. The premise of HER with Amena Brown comes from the way that I have gathered in my own living room with my girlfriends. It depends on our schedules, it depends on our budgets, how we gather, but a lot of times the most free place is your home and sometimes you have things you want to discuss that maybe the restaurant is not the thing.

Tjada McKenna:

Yes. For sure, for sure.

Amena Brown:

Maybe the coffee shop is not the place you want to be, and so a girlfriend might call me and say, "Girl, I need to come over." And I'm like, "I got you." She's like, "What kind of things you got over there?" I'm like, "I got some hummus I opened up five days ago, I got some popcorn we can pop." She'll be like, "I got a couple of bell peppers. See you then." We kind of bring our little snacks together. When you gather with your friends, what is your favorite snack to bring or are you a person who likes to make a snack? What are the vibes?

Tjada McKenna:

Unfortunately, I'm not very gifted in the kitchen and that is a source of a lot of stress, so I am one to go to a store. Depending on the type of gathering it is, if it's really casual, just an afternoon and we're going to eat a little junk food, I will bring Swedish Fish, which is a childhood favorite and something that I may not get to indulge in all the time. If it is something closer to a meal or a little heavier, I might go find some chicken wings or chicken drumettes or some small pieces of fried chicken where that I can indulge and use as comfort food for our girls chat.

Amena Brown:

I really respect these choices. I first of all want to just speak out loud that bought snacks are delicious, you know?

Tjada McKenna:

Mm-hmm.

Amena Brown:

Big respect to the people who are able to make a snack, but that's what the store is there for.

Tjada McKenna:

Kudos to them and I'm jealous and I wish I knew my way around to do it, but the amount of stress it would cause me would have me not going to the home, so I just use the store.

Amena Brown:

I mean, I've had a girlfriend really bring granola bars to my house because she was just like, "I had this leftover from something my kid had. I'm just here." I think we just... We want to welcome each other in these ways.

Tjada McKenna:

Yeah, we have to welcome that. We have to celebrate. Not everything has to be a production. We put way too much pressure on ourselves as it is in our day-to-day lives, and sometimes we just need the friendship and the company more than the accoutrements.

Amena Brown:

It's that part. I want to thank you for bringing up the Swedish Fish because there are those kind of childhood snacks, candies type of thing that you wouldn't normally... I mean, unless I was having a really bad day, I wouldn't normally like "I'm going to walk in a store and buy these."

Tjada McKenna:

And go buy Swedish Fish. Exactly, exactly.

Amena Brown:

Right. Right, to a gathering.

Tjada McKenna:

But they make me smile every time I have them.

Amena Brown:

I'm sure every gathering you've brought them to, there have been people who were like, "Yes."

Tjada McKenna:

It is definitely not the typical thing.

Amena Brown:

I really respect that, Tjada. I want to thank you for doing that. Okay. I want to talk to you. Y'all, I have so many things I'm trying to ask Tjada, and we cannot be having a three-hour interview today so I'm trying to get my life together. But I want to talk about your career in nonprofit field. I know that we have a lot of people in our community who also work in nonprofit field. When you graduated from college initially, though, did you imagine that your career would end up where it is now? What was young Tjada's vision for what you thought you'd be doing in life compared to where you ended up?

Tjada McKenna:

Yeah. I am in the perfect place where I was always meant to be. I had no idea what that looked like and I certainly didn't expect it to be this. I went to college. I did a program called INROADS out of high school. I don't know if... INROADS, spelled like INROADS. It's a program, I still remember the mission, to help talented minority youth enter fields in business, so I had my little business internships, both of my parents were public servants, and so I was very taken by this world of corporate America and these big companies that owned all this stuff. So when I left college, I really felt like I was headed for a business career in corporate America. I wanted to go as high as I could go, and then in my free time I wanted to be able to do things that impacted Africa and the community. I never dreamed of pulling that all together in my career, but I thought I for sure was headed up a very steep corporate ladder.

Amena Brown:

Wow. I love this part of your story too because I think the person we are when we are young and starting out our career, it's sort of like it can be a twofold experience. On the one hand, sometimes we do have some ideas germinating with us about what we think we want to do and we may think, "Is that realistic? Is that a thing?" Then sometimes we have a thought of what that is and then our actual journey takes us on these winding roads that sort of lead us down this path that we wouldn't have imagined, but, to your point, places us exactly where we needed to be.

In your bio, it says you are the only African American woman at the helm of a major international aid and development organization. This is a really powerful thing. On this podcast, we talk a lot about the pluses and also the hardships of being first, of being only. In some ways it is absolutely an important moment to kudos to you for all of the path that had to be carved out, all of the trail you had to blaze in a sense. That will mean a lot to a lot of Black folks coming behind you, to a lot of people of color coming behind you.

We know that that's not easy. It's not easy to be only generally and especially to be only when you are in a leadership position. There are a lot of Black women and women of color who are struggling in the problematic structure of a lot of international aid organizations. What would you say... I mean, I know we could talk about this for days and days, but what would you say are some beginning things that need to be done to change that problematic structure that is sort of having some barriers as to why there are not more folks of color that are at the helm of these organizations?

Tjada McKenna:

Is it okay if I do this in two parts?

Amena Brown:

Absolutely.

Tjada McKenna:

Because I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the trauma of being the only or the first in a lot of different situations and how that's manifested, so I'd like to talk about that a little bit. Then I want to talk about in my industry specifically, I am proud to say that I'm not... I'm the only one serving right now. I'm not the first. The first is our wonderful sister, Dr. Helene Gayle, who is where you are in Atlanta as the president of Spelman College now, but she.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, which is my alma mater so shout out to Dr. Gayle.

Tjada McKenna:

Yes. Yes. My mother's alma mater as well. Helene Gayle was the CEO of CARE, which is also based in Atlanta, for about a decade, starting probably in around 2006 or 2007. I have to say that when I took this job when it was announced, one of the first calls I got was from Helene Gayle and she checked up on me regularly during my first year. Very grateful for people that showed it was possible, really disappointed that I'm the only now and since Helene there really hasn't been another one at the helm of a large international development organization like Mercy Corps.

The reason I want to talk a little bit about the trauma, I think there have been a lot of times in my life that I've been the only. There were parts of elementary school and this space now. As I get deeper in my leadership journey, sometimes I realize the things that that does to me mentally that that may not do to my peers, and at times I can be a little resentful of that, so especially now. We're a few years after George Floyd, still in the midst of defending why Black Lives Matter. I've had to address racial issues at work, and it bothers me that I have to stop and think, "Are people going to see this as me just being self-absorbed?"

But these are real conversations that have to be had. Just because I have this lived experience shouldn't make me more hesitant to speak about them than other people, and in fact I feel like it's my duty to do that. But on the other hand, that is the tax and the burden that so many of us have as one of few in these situations. It's this layer of responsibility and an opportunity that our non-people of color colleagues don't have to contend with. There's always been this extra tax in addition to just being a Black woman. There's always been this extra tax on my life of being that like, "Oh, gosh, I need to make sure I mentor people so that I'm not the only one next. Gosh, I need to help these people prepare for interviews. We can get more Black people in the next class."

There's just always that extra that we are called to do or that we feel a sense of obligation to do because of our history and our community. I think we should just acknowledge that and make space for ourselves and also acknowledge that sometimes that's really frustrating and we get angry and it's not fair and it's how we choose to live. In my sector in particular, it's a difficult space. I work in the international development space, and if you think of the history of this space, the classic model was the white Westerner, so European, British person going to "save some people" who are often Black or Brown in another part of the world. Even if you look at missionary activity and all that, it's all from this. The optics or the framing have been around saving and generosity, so that's one problematic element of it.

The second, too, is if you think of who in society has the opportunity to do that saving. I'm really fortunate in my life. My mother has a first cousin and her husband, they were in the second class of Peace Corps volunteers ever. They served in Northern Nigeria. They had that. When I came out of college, I had student loans. I was not going into the Peace Corps. I needed to go earn money, I wanted to earn money. So just who has had these opportunities to travel internationally and to do this work? When we're applying for these jobs out of college, who are the people that say, "Oh, I spent a semester in this country or, oh, my parents took me to live here?" There are those imbalances.

I think the third is just when it is a situation of providing something or thinking that you are, it's the way that people that have been the objects of those things have been received or taken. There have been multiple layers, which unfortunately has led to oftentimes these organizations are not run by people of color. We do see more women, but before you didn't see a lot of women historically either and sometimes not really taking into account or not seeing the people that we're serving as equals in this journey or this sense of paternalism as though we know what's best and they don't. It's really important now to really turn that upside down, and I'm really proud that at Mercy Corps that's part of how we're trying to do it, but even the optics and the language... For a while, we used to say that people were beneficiaries of our work, right?

Amena Brown:

Mm-hmm.

Tjada McKenna:

Now we call them participants, and they're participants and partners and creators and owners and these are joint things. Voluntourism is something... When I graduated from college, I did one of these programs that now I consider a bit problematic where I was coming out of college an idiot and I "volunteered", in quotes, in a really remote area of South Africa and we were building a school. I had never built a thing in the day of my life, so in hindsight...

I mean, I think we should think of those things as exchanges or cultural exchanges because honestly I brought no skills to that, maybe was taking away work from a local person that should have been doing that work, and who the heck am I to show up as a savior? So it is, it's like the optics and the framing, so we're working really hard to really strip that language and that way of thinking from our vocabulary. I guess I had mentioned the participant thing earlier, really conscious of savior things, very conscious of the images.

I came of age in the '80s where you'd see these ads with African children with flies in their eyes, what we now call poverty porn. We do not do that. You will see in images that we put out, it is people who have agency over their lives who are in positions of strength coming out of difficult situations and just really conscious of not promoting that imagery, really conscious of making sure that we do have equity, that more than 85% of our team is from the communities where we work, trying to get people from the regions, from those countries into leadership positions in those places but also in the organization as a whole and just being really thoughtful.

Our largest groups of expats these days are not Americans or Europeans or Australians. It is Kenyans. It's Kenyans and Ethiopians and people from Nepal and people from India, so really trying to evolve that and then also really paying attention to the power structures in our work and making sure that we are approaching things in very humble ways and working with local organizations and local leadership in that it is something where that community has more of a voice than we do and all kinds of mechanisms for people to speak up when they feel like that's not happening. None of this is perfect. This is all evolving. It's still under a dynamic where you do have mostly money flowing from the Global North to the Global South, but there are just ways to do that vastly better than our sector has done in the past. That's what we're very committed to doing.

Amena Brown:

I love hearing this. I mean, first of all, it gives me a lot of hopeful feelings and hopeful thoughts that change is possible. It's possible for us in our various fields to recognize, "Wow, the way we've been doing that is a problem." And we don't have to say, "Ah, it was just the times." We can actually say, "And we're going to stop and here's the new ways we can learn how to partner with others, how to use language in more equitable ways, how to use our imaging and photography in more equitable ways." I think that is so powerful, Tjada, because I am a kid who grew up in church. I have been on more missions trips than I can count. I actually thought to myself almost all if not all of my international travel was related to sort of voluntourism in a way.

As I got older, I just started to think like, "I didn't get to see those countries or those communities from a more holistic view because all I'm seeing is what I'm coming there to help, to fix, to whatever those things are." There is a more... Especially I feel for many of us who are American, there is a humility that we need when we are going into these spaces. It is not to assume that the people there don't know the things, we have arrived and we know the things. It's really to find yourself, if you are in this position, to arrive to say, "I'm here to learn from you. I'm here to partner with you in the ways that are helpful to you." But I have had more experiences of the other side of that where you look back and you're like, "Yikes. I don't know-"

Tjada McKenna:

Yeah. Yeah, or you look at the pictures that you took and you're like, "Maybe that doesn't look great." That's why I love the term exchange because it's not just... It's like what are we learning from them? We're going to these places to learn as well, and I think a lot of times in those situations it's like, "No, we're taking this great thing and no, we're learning and they have a lot of amazing things to teach and to share." Just because something's different doesn't make it bad or wrong, and I think sometimes that gets really missed on these trips, so I encourage... On the other hand, they are great ways for people to get out and to learn things they wouldn't learn. I do just encourage people to really investigate the organizations that they're going with and make sure that the values of that organization align with their reasons and what they hope to get out of it.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. That's really important. I want to talk about Black women and women of color who work in the international aid space. I am very interested to hear your thoughts about this because I know that there are people in our community listening who are working in these spaces, even some of them as volunteers as well in some of these spaces, right?

Tjada McKenna:

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

I think sometimes there is this element... I'll say for me, having done some work in nonprofit world, having had nonprofit clients, worked with nonprofit events, I think sometimes it's a part of it when we are entering a space where we're working with an organization that is, air quotes here, "doing good", a part of why we do that sometimes is coming from this good place in our heart, we want to affect change, we want to see people who are under-resourced have the resources that they deserve.

We sort of enter the space with our hearts open and our hands open and we're here to do these things, and I think because we're in a do-good environment we are thinking and hoping that everyone else there is also here to be open-hearted, is also here to sort of gather communally while we try to do all these things. Whereas some of the Black women, women of color I know, for example, who work in corporate America, there are certain bottom lines and certain types of things we expect in corporate America because it's pretty clear a lot of us that have worked in corporate that this is about making money, you know?

Tjada McKenna:

Yes. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

This is about making money, this is about maybe I'm here trying to make money, we know the CEO here trying to make... The C-suite. Everybody is here from the C-suite down to the entry level position because we're here trying to make money, so I think there are certain things when we're in corporate that we just sort of expect to be cutthroat at some times, we expect a certain environment. I think some of us walked into international aid, walked into nonprofit space thinking in some ways maybe we were entering a bit of a utopia, maybe it wasn't like corporate America.

Then we got inside and we're like, "Yikes." Some things I needed to think a bit differently. I would love to hear from your experience what are some tips you would give to Black women and women of color who may be in nonprofit space, they may be working in international aid space, they may be considering work in these areas. What are the tips and things you would say now if you could look back at yourself starting that you would say to your young self, "Hey, think about this. Do these things?" What are some thoughts you have on that?

Tjada McKenna:

The way you prefaced this question is... It gets to my number one piece of advice because I think it's easier... When you walk into a profit-making company, you're not expecting them to have all these values, you're not expecting a certain treatment. I think that's one of the first things I tell people is to protect their heart because all of these are organizations that suffer from the same societal things that every place else suffers, so people with their unconscious biases, people where there's going to be favoritism, sometimes people are going to disagree or not act in the most charitable way or the ways that are consistent with the values of the organization.

I think being prepared for that and not letting that... Because I think when your heart is hurt on that level, it becomes even... It sends you down a much deeper spiral and it's a lot harder to overcome, and that might be become the animating thing. I always encourage people to walk in with that same sense of, for lack of a better word, defensiveness, walk in knowing what you're worth, what you're supposed to be doing, and expecting that kind of treatment and, if it doesn't come or things don't happen, to not be hurt by it but to push back and also realize we're in an organization with these dynamics. One thing I absolutely hate about the nonprofit sector or there's this mentality sometimes, and I think the public does it as well, the organizations, that you should accept far less pay or you should not because this is good work. I had a boss who used to brag about never taking pay raises. Well, that man lived off of his trust fund, okay?

Amena Brown:

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Tjada McKenna:

I do not need to have a trust fund to work there, so it's like, "Pay me what I'm worth and pay me fairly. Yes, the pay scale is not going to be the same, but pay me fairly. Me being here and bringing my talents to this is not a gift to the world. We're all here to do good, but if you..." I'd say this for organizations too. If you're trying to do good work, if you're trying to be professional and be efficient, then that also means you need to have professionals who understand what they're doing, otherwise you're kind of wasting people's money and energy. I think kind of know who you are, know what you're worth, and don't be scared to leave. If you can't resolve those issues within the culture, know that you need to go someplace else.

I think because nonprofits, because there aren't bonuses to give away or because there aren't some of these other incentives, sometimes people will put up with things that they shouldn't and sometimes organizations will allow a certain level of toxicity to emerge kind of accidentally either because of favoritism or just because it's like this assumption, "Everyone's here to do good work, so I don't want to tell people when they're not." I think just us maintaining our standards, especially because when we leave we need to still be competitive and do things outside as well, right?

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Tjada McKenna:

But walk in being strong and knowing who you are and be prepared to walk if it's not treating you in that way.

Amena Brown:

Come on, Tjada. Don't be scared to leave is the part that really touched me. That's the part that really touched me because I am a person who enjoys work connected to my values. For better or for worse in my career, that's been true of me, so when I've been in work situations where I'm like, "Oh, this doesn't really connect with me," I have a hard time sort of disconnecting from that.

Tjada McKenna:

Yes. Yeah. I had to accept... Yeah. There was a place I left that had some real race issues, underlying things, and a lot of issues. At some point I realized, "Wait, this is just not for me. I am not the issue here. Who I am is very clear. This is not a space for me, and that's unfortunate because they're trying to do a lot of work for people that look like me. I will call it out and I will try to get them to be better, but ultimately the best thing for my sanity and for a better use of my skills is to walk away." Sometimes I think too we'll take things personally. It's just hard when it's really close to your heart in the work, it's harder to let go, it's harder not to take it personally. I think it's okay to acknowledge that some environments are just not for me and to try to move into spaces that we can make ours.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. I love that. I also feel that it's so powerful that you're speaking to the empowerment of saying, "This may not be for me, and in that case it is okay for me to walk away," because I think there are a lot of folks of color, queer folks, disabled folks that end up working in these types of spaces that then are made to feel like, "Oh, well, you're there for a reason. You're supposed to fix it from the inside out." Then people who already have all this other stuff on them when they walk into the workplace are now being tasked with additional work and additional things that were not even a part of the job that they were hired to do.

I think there is such power in saying, "First of all, it's not my job to come in here and fix your entire organization from the inside out. If you wanted that, there is a fee you can pay for consultants, there is a fee you can pay for people who do that type of infrastructural work with an organization, but you don't hire me for this position I've been hired and then say, 'Well, because you're Black or because you're from a marginalized group now it's also your job to help us learn how to be less racist or help us learn how to be less homophobic.'" It's just-

Tjada McKenna:

Yeah. I warn people, I say... I did all the things. I was on the Black employee things, I volunteered, but I also tell people now I know that I would not take a diversity, equity, and inclusion job because it is too painful for me to see wrong. It's just too painful for me, and so there's an emotional toll that it will take on me where I cannot do it. Other people can. That's something I warn people, even with these employee groups and other things, I'm like, "This is volunteer labor. People are not going... Make sure that you're doing really well at your own job first because people are going to think this is fun for you or it's not the real extra thing when it is. When you can't negotiate that, just know that and take into account where you are in your whole life and your whole being and if that's what you want to be doing with yourself. Also challenge the other employers to be like, 'Hey.'"

At the end of the day, I think we've all learned, Black people, we're not the ones to fix racism. We don't benefit from it, we're not the ones practicing it, so the people that are need to take accountability and really own it and so looking at ways to make sure others are facing that burden or accepting it. If they're not, if people are just turning the work back on you, then you also have a sign that they're not serious people.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. That they're not serious people. Tjada, a word. Yes, that's a word. I want to talk about Black women in leadership and how we care for ourselves. I have a lot of Black women in my sort of personal life that are my friends, and then of course I feel like all of us as Black women also have the Black women that I would say are our colleagues. They're our friends, but they're also in our field too so they know a bit about the work we're doing. This is a constant conversation. I think as Black women in leadership, we... Anyone in leadership has... You have the things. You may have family things that you've got going on, you've got your own personal life, to drink water and breathe and et cetera, but I find that a lot of the Black women in my life that I know personally and professionally, we have our jobs, we have our families, we have other community work that we have going, we may have family members or people in our lives that we are caring for, whether that's our children or parents.

Tjada McKenna:

I'm leaving this interview and going to the hospital to figure out next steps for my mother's care. Speak on it.

Amena Brown:

It's like we have all these things, which means when we are in leadership positions where our responsibilities are high at our jobs, it requires even more care from us for ourselves. What would you say are some things in this season of life that are helping you care for yourself with all that you may carry in your life?

Tjada McKenna:

Yeah. I think there are two things I really focus on, and obviously I'm always taking ideas because I think this self-care element is critically important to us, but one is relationships. I'm in a sorority, so talking to my sorors. There's a text chain with my line sisters that we're on all the time. A group of them are in Alaska at this moment. It's just making sure to take the trips, to make the time to have that close network of girlfriends. We're all navigating our career journeys and supporting each other through it. Family support. I happen to have a very supportive husband who does a lot and absorbs a lot. But yeah, I really focus on keeping those relationships that keep me sane and those people that care about me strong. The other side, too, is I'm forever telling people to put on your life jacket first. I've gotten much better over the years at saying no, right?

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Tjada McKenna:

Because there are things I can't... I just acknowledge that I can't do everything at the same time, and so there are times I just have to say, "No. No, I can't be the school mom for this. No, I can't do this." I've gotten really comfortable saying that because I just need the time and space to myself for my own to be the best that I need to be everywhere else. I have to say no to a lot of things.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. It's a really practical thing you said. On one hand, sometimes it is just hard to say no, and on the other hand, the times I have I'm like, "Whew, that was freeing. I just don't have to go to that. I just don't have to do that."

Tjada McKenna:

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Walk into things dreading it like, "Why did I say yes?" It's just like, "Why am I putting that stress on myself, right?"

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Tjada McKenna:

But it all comes from the optic of really making sure that you're putting yourself first and thinking of it and that you have people around you who are pointing out when you are failing at that.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I think I've been a person, and I would say this is true of many of us as Black women as well, I think I've been a person who loves to sort of give love externally. It's like I love to support the people in my life, I love to give to them, I love to be nurturing to them. My therapist was like, "You know you your own best friend too, right? You know that energy you're giving to people?"

Tjada McKenna:

So hard.

Amena Brown:

"It's not that it's bad that you want to do that, but give it to you too. Your girlfriend has surgery and you will go to her house and make soup for her and do these things. It's wonderful that you do it. Would you get the soup for you or would you let someone else make the soup for you?" I think that also helps us in what you were saying too of just building community with people who care about who we are not just what we do, that we matter to them in full, that they're going to look at you and say, "If you don't go to sleep... Goodnight. I do not want to see you at no meetings, no events, no more. Go to bed. Eat a vegetable." People in your life that want that kind of care for you. It's just beautiful, so I love that you brought that up there.

Tjada McKenna:

No, it's... I travel a lot for my work, obviously, and it's almost all international. One of my colleagues is really good at just she'll build in the extra half day to go get the massage, to do the thing, and I'm always usually just rushing home. I need to get home, but... She's encouraged me, and so sometimes I do build in the time like, "Look, I need this afternoon or I need to do something nice so I'm not just in and out of places and just could be anywhere in the world and not even paying attention."

Amena Brown:

Right. Oh, I love that. Okay, I have two more questions because y'all know I could really talk to Tjada forever.

Tjada McKenna:

I know. We could go... Because, I mean, your living room is so comfortable.

Amena Brown:

Oh my gosh. Okay. I want to talk about how we support international aid. We are... On the one hand, having been a person who sort of grew... I've been around long enough now, Tjada, that we grew up without the internet in part, right?

Tjada McKenna:

Mm-hmm. Me too. [inaudible 00:36:05].

Amena Brown:

Okay. Before MySpace and whatever that is, so what you knew needed support, there were some things you just didn't know because we didn't have as much access, especially here in America. We didn't have as much access to what was happening internationally all the time, whereas now we have social media, you have all these things, and we talk a lot about compassion fatigue in a way that people are just like, "What should I care about? What should I support?" What would be your thoughts you would give folks that are just practical things we can think about as we are reading the news and watching our... I'm still going to say Twitter. I'm sorry, y'all. That's just how it's going to be. Still watching our tweets.

Tjada McKenna:

[laughs].

Amena Brown:

Whatever that man said doesn't apply to me, it's still Twitter. We're reading our tweets, we're seeing the things that are coming across hashtags, we're trying to think about what can we do, and sometimes in our feeling overwhelmed then we either don't do anything or we're not sure how to take in what we're reading. What would be your thoughts about that as it relates to how we can be global citizens, in a sense?

Tjada McKenna:

Thank you. There are a couple of things I will say about that. I think one, really making sure that we are fighting the narrative in our hearts. Foreign assistance, what we consider aid, is less than one half of 1% of the US budget, for those who are Americans listening to this. It's really easy to get caught up in like, "Look at all the money that's going for this or why are they giving all this money to Ukrainians? We have to start at home." There's a lot we do at home. Americans are very generous at home. We also have social safety nets that just may not exist in some other places. Virtually every single place my organization does work, there is not Social Security, there's not unemployment, there aren't medical facilities near them. The level of safety net is different.

We have very desperately poor places in the US that need support and there are places in other countries that may be even worse off, so it's not an or, it's an and. I think especially when you go to these places and spend time, these people are you and me. A lot of times they look like us, they have the same dreams, they want better lives for their children, they care about their family. These are really... I like to think of it as how do we just empower everyone to be able to self-actualize and be their best self? I would fight this narrative of "only at home" or "we give too much to everyone else" because the numbers are very skewed.

The second thing is look at the full picture of need. There's a lot of attention right now to Ukraine, which the Ukrainians definitely deserve the support. There are lots of crises around the world that everyone deserves that same attention that the Ukrainians are getting. There has been a crippling drought in the Horn of Africa, so people in Somalia, parts of Kenya and Ethiopia suffering and literally starving to death, flooding in other parts of the world. Don't forget about those other places of help.

I would encourage you to support organizations, even if it's like $5 a month or $50 here and there, support organizations that are working in those places that share your values because, at the end of the day, the money that we get, we're trying to allocate as much as we can to those forgotten crises, so for the people in Somalia, the people in Sudan who need support now that the government has fallen apart, Niger. There's a lot that's on the news, and of course we'll get funding for that, but we're also trying to get additional funds for all these other places that just aren't getting the level of attention they deserve. So stay open-hearted, think of it as and not or, and whatever you can contribute, honestly even $5 a month, is helpful.

Amena Brown:

Oh, that's so helpful.

Tjada McKenna:

It does not go to waste.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, so practical. Thank you so much for that because I think there is a way that we just can kind of get like, "Okay, well, there's so many things, there's so many things. What do I do?" You can kind of look to your own value system and, as you were saying, you can find ways. There are various ways that we can be supportive here. Sometimes for people you're like, "What if I don't have the $5?" There's a way you can spread the word maybe about some of these things.

Tjada McKenna:

Yes, even spread the word, spread a post so that someone else might, "Oh, okay, maybe I can't give right now but maybe someone else can give." Or just even spreading awareness of these other things that are not breaking into mainstream media and realizing these things don't have to be like this. There's so much... You talked about the fatigue. There's so much coming at us that it just all seems hopeless or like, "Oh, there's always some drought over there. I'm not doing..." No, these things do not have to be like this. People do not have to suffer in these ways. We cannot accept these things as status quo, that cannot get better. Even if you think of a situation, individual people's lives can be made better.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. I love that. I want to close with this question, Tjada. I love to talk about joy, and I especially think it's important when I'm talking to someone who is doing the type of work that you are. I know that on the hand, working with Mercy Corps and being at the helm of an organization like this, I know that you and your colleagues obviously see a lot of hard things, you see a lot of hard stories, you see a lot of things that you wish were not the case. I know also in your work you see some things that just make you go, "Yes, that is why we're doing what we're doing. That is what keeps me going." I always want to know what is bringing you joy. Is it a snack? Is it some people in your life? Is it a show you love? Are there parts of your work... Just talk to us about how joy also plays a role in what keeps you going in your work.

Tjada McKenna:

Yes, yes. I do... Part of the work we do is you see people emerge on the other side or you see people being able to do things that they thought they wouldn't be able to do. That's joy. For me in my day-to-day life, I have two beautiful sons that are eight and 10 years old. I like just looking at them be happy, the Black boy joy, the fact that I'm able to provide certain things and experiences for them, that's pure joy. The other thing that's brought even more joy and love into my life is we are the brand new parents to two puppies, so we have two dogs under the age of one right now. There is... It took a while for us to feel like we were ready for dogs again and that level of care, but I could never overestimate the amount of joy that they have brought to my family and what they do for me on a bad day. I do feel very fortunate that in the midst of it all, I do get to see the good sides and my children. I mean, there are definitely tough days with the boys, don't get me wrong.

Amena Brown:

Sure, sure. Absolutely.

Tjada McKenna:

Especially when they are being tough, the puppies. The puppies do it every time. So yeah, you're right. We have to find that joy. We have to.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Oh, I love that, Tjada. I've been on the precipice since the pandemic started of like, "Am I a person who wants to get a dog?"

Tjada McKenna:

Do it, do it, do it. If you have the time and the energy, I would say... We got puppies. I would say go get a dog that's older, that's already trained because that part has not been joy. But yeah, I definitely undervalued just the therapeutic effect that sometimes coming in the house and just snuggling up with one of those dogs has provided to me, and watching my boys, seeing the side of them that loves those dogs to death has also just warmed my heart.

Amena Brown:

Oh, I love that so much. Tjada, thank you for sharing not only your story with us, but you gave us a lot of practical things we can think about in our work and the different things we can be more supportive of, the different things that may need our support. So just thank you for that, and also thank you for the path that I know you are carving that will make this path even hopefully easier and that will make people after you have an easier way, there'll be less barriers because you were there to actually push some of those things down. I want to say thank you for that, and I wish you great naps, Tjada. I wish for you to have delicious snacks.

Tjada McKenna:

Yes, yes. Thank you. This has been so much fun. Thank you so much.

Amena Brown:

Thanks a lot.

Tjada McKenna:

Can I tell you where people can find us or find me?

Amena Brown:

Yes. Yes. I want you to tell me everything. How can the people connect with you? How can the people be connected with the work you're involved in? Tell us all the things.

Tjada McKenna:

Yeah. Thank you. Personally, I am on... Like we said, we still call it Twitter, and my Twitter handle is @ and Tjada, but my name is spelled T as in Tom, J-A-D-A. There's a silent T at the beginning. If you just look up Tjada, T-J-A-D-A, you'll find me on Twitter. If you're interested in learning more about Mercy Corps, which I hope you do, we're fabulous, it's @mercycorps, M-E-R-C-Y-C-O-R-P-S, or www.mercycorps.org. We'd love to have your support, so thanks everyone.

Amena Brown:

Thank you so much, Tjada. I love that. Go to all those links, everyone. Yes. Get you some Swedish Fish. Thank you so much, Tjada.

Tjada McKenna:

Yes. Thank you. Thank you, Amena. Have a good one.

Amena Brown:

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 125

Amena Brown:

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to a new episode of HER with Amena Brown. And ooh, y'all, I had to record right quick, because if I didn't record right quick, me and our guest today were about to just start talking and y'all was going to miss all the things.

We already talked about stuff that ain't y'all business, but the part that is y'all business, we would've missed out, because I was about to just enjoy talking to her. We going to welcome today a RITA Award winner, top 25 Amazon bestseller, advocate for families living with autism. Let's welcome author Kennedy Ryan. Yes.

Kennedy Ryan:

Yay. I'm so glad to be here.

Amena Brown:

Oh my gosh, I feel the feelings being in here.

Kennedy Ryan:

I feel the feelings too.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. I tell my podcast listeners I consider this podcast to be a living room space. It's the space where I gather with my girlfriends. That's how I imagine it. And you bring your little broke down snacks and your girlfriend got some little broke down snacks because y'all really just got together so y'all can chat. That's sort of like the room that we're here. But it is extra special to have you here, Kennedy, because I just feel so emotional seeing all of the amazing things that have been happening in your career. So let me tell y'all some before we get into the questions because we are here doing a HER Favorite Things episode with Kennedy Ryan. So we going to try to get some information, some tea, some things from her about some things that are her favorites. Before we start that, let me tell y'all something. Kennedy Ryan and I go way, way back,

Kennedy Ryan:

Way, way back.

Amena Brown:

Kennedy Ryan know me before my hair was natural.

Kennedy Ryan:

Same. Same.

Amena Brown:

We had perms when we knew each other

Kennedy Ryan:

Right. We were still on that crack.

Amena Brown:

Hair was straight. I'm going to let y'all know my fashion was terrible. Okay?

Kennedy Ryan:

I think I knew you before I had my son.

Amena Brown:

Yes you did.

Kennedy Ryan:

I mean, you pre-date my son.

Amena Brown:

Yes. Yes.

Kennedy Ryan:

So that's saying something. He is 22.

Amena Brown:

Ooh. Kennedy, don't do me like this.

Kennedy Ryan:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

Don't do me like this, honey.

Kennedy Ryan:

We go way, way back,

Amena Brown:

Way, way back. And I'm going to tell y'all a memory, and you probably remember this too, Kennedy, but we were in church together for a long time.

Kennedy Ryan:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

And we both kind of reached a crossroads in that moment because it wasn't just, I'm going to tell y'all something. Me and Kennedy weren't just people who went to church on a Sunday. We was at that place, a lot of days in the week, and reached a crossroads where we both were just at a place where life was shifting. And we had an opportunity to think about what do we really want to be doing? What do we really want to be spending our time doing? And I remember being at your house and you took out two chapters of something that you had been writing and you were like, "Read this. This is what I think I want to be doing."

And those of you who have read Kennedy Ryan's work, y'all know the vibes of what's about to happen. I started the first page and then just blew through the two chapters sitting at her house. And already knowing you, Kennedy, you already know about you, anyone that's met you, knows you're a wonderful communicator, knows you have this very warm personality. So it's not like I'm not expecting this writing to be good, just having known you. But y'all, it was great. It was great what was there. I was actually upset about it a little bit like, "But how I only have two chapters. What happened to them? They be together? They broke up? What happened to them?" And you were looking-

Kennedy Ryan:

Don't leave me hanging.

Amena Brown:

Exactly. And you were looking at a few of us that evening like, "This is what I want to do. I want to write fiction."

Kennedy Ryan:

Right.

Amena Brown:

I want to write novels. This is my thing." And then all of life happened. And by the time I reconnected with you, I was like, "That girl done did it. That girl done did the thing."

Kennedy Ryan:

Well, all the things that you've done, like seeing your spoken word and your poetry all over the place and your voice so big in so many spaces? It's amazing. It is amazing.

Amena Brown:

Like I really, shout out to Black women who watch The Color Purple, but I really be having a Sophia in the store with Celie moment every time your Instagram posts come up on my feed. Like, "I really want to be that day in the store." And I'm like, "Amena, don't do that on Kennedy's professional page. Do not get involved in rocking motions and crying on her page." So I'm just so excited for you and so excited now that there are so many books of yours out in the world and other projects to come connected to these books. So I'm saying that to y'all. This your time to be going to go ahead and buy these books if you haven't. I don't know. You're behind the times. Get it together.

Okay, so let me ask you about this, Kennedy. When you gather with friends, if you are assigned to bring a snack to the gathering, what's your snack? What's the thing that you are typically walking in the door? Are you a person who's like, "Herein I must make a snack at my home and bring you a homemade snack?" Are you a friend who's like, "You know I wasn't going to bring no homemade snacks. Here's a snack I done brought you from the store. Be happy with it." What are the snack vibes?

Kennedy Ryan:

If I am making it myself, first of all, I don't cook very much at all. I resist domesticity at every turn. It's not my ministry at all. I don't cook very much at all. So if I'm making it myself, I might do, you know how you can do the spinach dip?

Amena Brown:

Oh yes.

Kennedy Ryan:

With like chips or something like that? That would be it. But if I was bringing something that was pre-prepared, I love a good charcuterie board.

Amena Brown:

Yes.

Kennedy Ryan:

With good cheeses and some fruit and nuts and things like that, a jam. That is the kind of snack, that's the snack vibe I enjoy, if I'm not personally responsible for it. I'm not great at charcuterie boards, but that would be my snack vibe.

Amena Brown:

I do feel like I have a lot of good intentions related to charcuterie. I have a lot of good intentions.

Kennedy Ryan:

I do too. And I have a lot of Pinterest. I'm always pinning things and saving things. Like, one day I too will make such a picturesque charcuterie board, and then I end up bringing Doritos. It's like, okay, that was a thought that I had.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, I appreciate what you said about pre-prepared because I feel like that's my best case scenario if I'm walking into my friend's house with charcuterie. It's like, "Y'all chef so-and-so."

Kennedy Ryan:

Yeah,

Amena Brown:

"Be thankful they did this because otherwise everything's ugly." It's like I'm not as visually prepared to do this type of thing as I want to be when I am on Pinterest looking like, "Oh, look how they made ham and they turned it into roses." That's not going to happen.

Kennedy Ryan:

Oh my gosh. I know. I looked at my TikTok the other day and you have the collection. I had literally 300 recipes saved and never, never, have I made one of them, never. And same with Instagram. And my FYP and my feed are flooded with them because I save them all the time. So all the algorithms think I'm a domestic goddess when actually I'm the opposite. I'm just a saver and a pinner. I don't do anything.

Amena Brown:

A domestic pinner is really where the life is because that means there's nothing domestic you have to do. You're just looking at domestic things like, "Oh, I bet that's nice."

Kennedy Ryan:

Whoo, look at that. Someone's doing that. I aspire to that aesthetic. That's about as far as it goes.

Amena Brown:

I love that. This is a great snack. I thank you for this. Okay, I want to ask about your favorite place to write, but before I get to that, I want to see if you can catch us up, me here, and the listeners. What happens going from that moment where you are like, "It's an author I want to be." I think you knew you were a writer before that moment.

Kennedy Ryan:

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Amena Brown:

But the moment that you were like, "Yeah, no, this is me professionally. I want to be an author. I want to write books."

Kennedy Ryan:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

What was that moment where you then crossed over from that threshold to say, "This is the thing I'm going to do," and now when you look at where your career is as a writer. Give us some of the landmark moments that you feel really helped you get into the life that you are in now.

Kennedy Ryan:

Yeah, it's really a series of them. When I look back at my life, even when we first met, there's no way that I could have projected the things that are happening for me now. It's like a daydream. Some of the things that are happening now, I have to pinch myself. Like you said, I always knew I was a writer. I started writing. I knew I was going to journalism school. I started writing for our city newspaper when I was 17, a senior in high school. And then I wrote for nonprofits and churches, philanthropic organizations. And then my son was diagnosed with autism and I started writing a lot around autism advocacy, like Chicken Soup for the Soul and Mom Magazine. And it was like my whole life. And then of course I started a foundation for families who have children with autism. So a lot of my writing just shifted to special needs parenting, special needs families, and advocating and voicing for our community.

So that means I was a special needs mom. I was running a foundation. All of my writing was around special needs and that was a privilege. But it also, I came to a point where I was like, "I need something that's just for myself." And I remembered that I love to read romance. When I was growing up, I loved to read romance. And you have to remember my mom was a preacher. And so she did not want me to read romance. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. We fought over it. I smuggled romance novels into our house. I hid them under mattresses. I stuffed them in my closet. I had 300 romance novels in my closet from 8th grade to 12th grade that my mom knew nothing about. I put a tarp over them. I hid them. I hid them from her because she was like, "You can't bring that in my house."

So I always loved reading romance. And then when you get to college, you start reading the serious books, it's like, "Oh no, no. It's time for me to read the serious books." And I did that. And then in my 30s is when life was heavy.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kennedy Ryan:

There was a lot that I was managing and navigating as a mom, as a wife, as a woman. And I needed an escape. That's when I started reading romance again. And I was reading romance and it was such an escape for me, and reading fiction, which I hadn't even been reading fiction. Everything I read was like nonfiction, self-help, autism, which has been amazing. All of that has been amazing just guiding my family on our journey with autism.

But I wanted something that was just for me. And after returning to reading romance, I was like, "What if I wrote it? I'm a writer. I am a writer. I'm a trained writer. I'm pretty good at it. What if I started doing this for maybe a living?" And for me it was kind of an unusual journey because a lot of times when people say, "I'm going to write a novel," there's all these rejection letters, and it's just a whole process of getting published and things went pretty quickly for me. It's so interesting because the book that's so big right now is titled Before I Let Go, which has been optioned for television. It's going to be on Peacock, which is freaking amazing, and that's actually the first book I ever wrote.

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Kennedy Ryan:

15 years ago.

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Kennedy Ryan:

And I never planned to publish it. So I don't even know if that's the one that you read. I don't think it was because the only people who had ever read that book were my husband and my sister and my cousin and that was it. And then I just shoved it under the bed and forgot about it and then returned and wrote something different.

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Kennedy Ryan:

That was kind of just to see if I could do it. And I thought it was no good. So I didn't return to that for 15 years ago when my husband was like, "What about that divorce book?" And I pulled it back out. So thank God for my husband to say that.

But that other book that ended up being my first book that was published, now 10 years ago, which is ridiculous, I can't even wrap my head around that. I joined a writer's group. I knew that I was a professional writer, like by profession I was a writer. But I did not assume that just because I knew how to write that I knew how to write fiction, commercial fiction.

Amena Brown:

Right.

Kennedy Ryan:

That I understood that industry. It's a very different thing. And I started going to a writer's group in Atlanta and they really helped me. Surrounding yourself with like-minded people, surrounding yourself with people who have similar goals and who you can hold each other accountable and encourage each other, that was so vital for me. They were mostly women, lots of them Black women, lots of them were self-publishing. And I wasn't sure if I was going to self-publish or traditionally publish. And traditional publishing was kind of hard to break into.

Amena Brown:

Right.

Kennedy Ryan:

But we would have these conferences and we would invite agents and editors down from New York, because at the time, you had to be coming from New York. Things are much more remote and looser now. But they would come down from New York and everybody was like, "This book that you've written, just pitch it for practice." And I'd never pitched before.

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Kennedy Ryan:

And that's when you basically sit down with an agent or an editor and you just tell them about your book for 10 minutes. And they said, "They'll either just say thank you and you're done. Or they'll ask for a partial. But if they're really interested, they'll ask for a full, which means, 'I'm so interested, I want the whole book. I want to read the whole book.'" And they were like, "Don't count on that. This is just practice."

And so I booked one editor and one agent just for practice. And the editor I sat down with, I pitched the book to her. And she said, "I want the full." And I was like, "You want the what?"

"You want the what?" I mean, I was like, "They said this probably wouldn't happen." She was like, "Oh, I want the full." And then I had another meeting with an agent and she goes, "I want the full." And I was like, "Wait, it's not supposed to happen like this." So just because they asked for the full doesn't mean they want to publish it. You send them the full manuscript after that and they either get back to you or they don't, or it takes a long time. Within a month I had heard back from the agent and the editor. The agent wanted to represent me and the editor wanted to buy the book.

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Kennedy Ryan:

And so I was like, "Wait a minute, everybody talked about how you go through 50, 60 rejection letters." And that's what I was prepared for. I was not prepared for this acceleration that happened. And from there I published four books traditionally, and then I started self-publishing.

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Kennedy Ryan:

And, honestly, that's how I really built my career was through self-publishing. I love the creative control, the editorial control, the promotional control that comes with creating your own work and controlling and selling your own work. And then about two years ago is when I returned to traditional publishing with the book that's out now, Before I Let Go.

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Kennedy Ryan:

That's my journey in a nutshell.

Amena Brown:

Oh my gosh. What a full circle thing because I think there are so many of us as writers that write the thing that we're like, "No, not that one."

Kennedy Ryan:

Yes. Yes.

Amena Brown:

And in your career for that to have returned back to you, like, "Yes, that one." I mean even I think Stephen King has that type of story about The Shining.

Kennedy Ryan:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

Where he like threw The Shining away.

Kennedy Ryan:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

And it was his wife that was like, "Maybe we don't throw this book away."

Kennedy Ryan:

No. I had not even thought about it. And I was self-publishing, and I had an agent and the traditional publishers, it's so interesting because in the beginning of my career, I'm chasing all these publishers. And then I got to a point in my career where they were coming to us and saying, "We want to publish Kennedy." And I was like, "I'm good over here. I like self-publishing." But I told her it would have to be the right situation. It would have to be the right partner. Because at this point, if you've ever self-published or run your own business, you don't want to work for somebody else. You don't want somebody to tell you what to do.

Amena Brown:

That part.

Kennedy Ryan:

You enjoy that autonomy. You enjoy that control, honestly. And so I was at that place, but I found a incredible partner. And I say partner because my publisher, they respect that I've built my own brand

Amena Brown:

Ye.p.

Kennedy Ryan:

They're not asking me to change that. They're like, "You've built your brand. We want that brand." And I'm really lucky that that's the case. But my agent was like, "So what are you going to write?" And I had no idea. "What are you going to pitch?" I had no idea. I was just a blank. And that's when my husband was like, "What about that divorce book?" And literally I was like, "Babe. Uh-huh, no, babe, that thing ain't no good." He was like, "It was good. Go back and read it." And I did have to restructure it. It was written in third person. I had to write it in first person, change the names. There's so much that's different about it but the core of it was there. So I have to always give him props for that.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kennedy Ryan:

Because it wouldn't have happened without him.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, for sure. Oh, I love that story. Do you have a favorite place to write? Are you a writer that can write in your home? Are you a writer that has to leave home in order to write? What is that part of your routine like?

Kennedy Ryan:

I need supreme focus. And if my husband is watching television and my son is screaming for me to fix him some food or asking for help, I'm not going to be able to write. I have a writing coach and the way she describes it is, "Let's say you're on a train." And she was like, "You make these stops. Some people can just pick up from that stop and start writing again." She was like, "The way your brain is made when you stop, you have to go all the way back to the station." And so she's like, "You have to create a space where you don't have to stop."

Amena Brown:

Right.

Kennedy Ryan:

"Because every time you stop, you have to start over." And so I can write at home if no one's here or if people are asleep. I used to write a lot at night after my son and my husband went to sleep and it was just completely quiet. So I can write here if that's the case. Lately I have been, this sounds crazy, I like to write in bed, but again, I know, I know. I like to write in bed. But if they're home and it's not peaceful, I can't write in bed. This is going to sound extreme. I go to hotels to write.

Amena Brown:

Yo.

Kennedy Ryan:

Yeah. I go away for maybe three days. Like if I'm under deadline, I will go away for for three days and write 30,000 words in three days. And if I'm home, it takes me three weeks to get there.

Amena Brown:

Right.

Kennedy Ryan:

That's my favorite thing now, is to go to an Airbnb or to go to a hotel and just lock away. I barely shower. I order food. I'm serious. I'm serious. I'm just like, "I'm here to work." And I hit a rhythm and I have written the biggest chunks of my novels at a time in hotel rooms. It's like pedal to the metal.

Amena Brown:

And the ability to just be focused on that. I think life, and especially home, it's like we love our homes, but also our homes remind us of stuff that could be cleaned up.

Kennedy Ryan:

Yes,.

Amena Brown:

And things we forgot to do.

Kennedy Ryan:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

And somebody walk in and start talking and I want to talk too.

Kennedy Ryan:

Right.

Amena Brown:

There's all those distractions at home too. Yeah,

Kennedy Ryan:

Absolutely. Yeah, and so I need to pull away from that. And my husband is so amazing because he holds down the fort. He travels a lot too, but we do that for each other. To say he is my biggest cheerleader is such an understatement. It's such an understatement. He is. I'm the one who's like, "Oh gosh, I don't know if I need to do that." He's like, "No, let's get somebody to clean the house. Let's get somebody to cook the food. Let's get somebody to do all these things. You just write."

Amena Brown:

Love it.

Kennedy Ryan:

And I don't take it for granted. And he's like, "No, you go away to the hotel. You go away." To have a partner who believes in you that way and who you support each other that way is so invaluable. So invaluable.

Amena Brown:

Oh, I love that. Because being in a relationship with a writer, it be hard sometimes. And so.

Kennedy Ryan:

No, it really is. I don't think people recognize how hard it is sometimes to be involved with creatives, to be in relationships with creatives. My husband can always be like, "You're not with me." He's like, "There's a look you get in your eye where you're in your head and you're thinking about your story." And he's like, "The closer you get to your deadline, the less of you we have." And he's like, "I am used to that pattern now is I know we're not going to have very much of you for weeks at a time." And so he gets that now.

Amena Brown:

Bless. Bless. Okay, because I feel like my husband and I, both of us being creatives, I feel like if I could overgeneralize, every artist is either the tormented artist or the opus artist. And I'm the tormented artist. I finished my first book draft and sent it into the editor and my husband's like, "We need to go celebrate." And I'm like-

Kennedy Ryan:

That's me. That's me.

Amena Brown:

Like cried right away. He was like, "Okay, so we ain't getting no brownies."

Kennedy Ryan:

Oh, yeah. It's a little bit of a mourning-

Amena Brown:

""What's going on?

Kennedy Ryan:

When you're so consumed with something, it gives you purpose. And after I finish a book, I kind of feel like I'm floundering. I have to reorient. It's like I'm reentering the world and I have to find my purpose again. Because for so long that book is everything.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kennedy Ryan:

And everything kind of takes a backseat to it. And then when it's gone, I wake up and I'm like, "What do I do?" No, I'm like, "What do I do?"

Amena Brown:

Exactly that, yes.

Kennedy Ryan:

And my son's like, "I'm over here." My husband's like, I'm like, "Okay, okay, now I remember."

Amena Brown:

That's right. That's right.

Kennedy Ryan:

I'm a mom, I'm a wife, I'm a person, I'm a friend, I'm a sister. I can do all these other things.

Amena Brown:

I love that. Yeah, I feel like my husband's the opus artist. Everything he makes, he comes downstairs and he's like, "This is the best thing I've ever made. This music today that I've made is the best music that I've ever made." The next day he'd be like, "Today I have made the best thing." And I'm like, "Okay." So those two artists live in the same house is a wild time because I'm like crying, because I'm like "What if the poem won't be as good as the last one?"

Kennedy Ryan:

But it always is.

Amena Brown:

And he's like, "This was amazing. This was amazing."

Kennedy Ryan:

Yes. But that's me too. I'm always like, "Gosh, this one's not good." Or I don't know, for me it's always, you never get rid of that kernel of is it good enough or the self-doubt. And then just the standard you hold yourself to because I can't stand mediocrity.

Amena Brown:

Yes.

Kennedy Ryan:

I can't stand when something is fine. I'm just like, "Okay, it's fine?"

Amena Brown:

Right. Yikes. No.

Kennedy Ryan:

Even, "It's good." I'm like, "It's good? It's cute?" I want everything to feel fantastic. And that's a high bar to set for yourself.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, for sure.

Kennedy Ryan:

Because it's not realistic.

Amena Brown:

Right. Bless our hearts.

Kennedy Ryan:

Bless our hearts.

Amena Brown:

Okay, now talk to me about the genre of romance. I am new to the genre, to the genre as a reader. So just within the last maybe three years, so shout out to my assistant and friend Leigh who put me on, because I was like, "Listen, things in life are going kind of wild right now. I really can't be here reading doomsday books." She was like, "You need to start reading romance because at least you have a happily ever after."

Kennedy Ryan:

A happily ever after.

Amena Brown:

That you know.

Kennedy Ryan:

Guaranteed joy.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kennedy Ryan:

Well, it's so funny because I think I reached out to you, I messaged you one time because I saw you interviewing one of my closest friends in the genre, Adriana Herrera. And I was like, "You interview romance novelists, and you haven't even reached out to me." And we've known each other. You were like, "Okay, okay.",

Amena Brown:

And let me tell y'all something, and put this in the list of things COVID ruined, because the plan was that HER with Amena Brown in 2020 was going to become a live recording.

Kennedy Ryan:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Amena Brown:

So originally Kennedy was, I had a very small list of people that we were going go invite to do this live recording with an audience.

Kennedy Ryan:

And I was living in Atlanta at the time.

Amena Brown:

At the time. Right. We had put our little plans together. COVID came and said, "No, thank you." So then I was kind of holding to interview Kennedy, like, "Okay, okay. Eventually things going to open up. Oh, no, it's not. Okay, next year it's going. Nope." So I was like, "You know what? We just going to do this now and then we can do it live again."

Kennedy Ryan:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

We'll figure this out. But yes, did she cuss me out in my DMs? Yes.

Kennedy Ryan:

No, I did not.

Amena Brown:

Definitely reached out to you, like, "If I see one more romance author on your podcast."

Kennedy Ryan:

You ain't even what?

Amena Brown:

"That ain't me. I've been here all these years. What you doing?" What is your favorite thing about writing romance? Because as an author, as a writer, you had a lot of genres. You had a lot of genres you already had experience writing.

Kennedy Ryan:

Right.

Amena Brown:

Approaching even fiction, approaching the form of the novel. You had a lot of different ways you could have gone.

Kennedy Ryan:

Right.

Amena Brown:

What was it about writing romance that you were like, "Oh, I love this. This is what I want to do."

Kennedy Ryan:

For me, it's exactly what you touched on, which is that it's guaranteed joy. And a lot of people will ask, "Is what you do even romance?" And I think the reason people have asked that about my books a lot is because my books tend to be heavy. They're dealing with things like domestic abuse, like intimate partner abuse. They're dealing with things like missing and murdered indigenous women. They're dealing with these really hefty kind of topics. And a lot of people think of romance as pure escapism. And that's not my philosophy for romance. My philosophy for romance is not escapism. I see romance as a safe landscape to have difficult conversations. And the reason it's safe is because I know it's going to be okay in the end.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kennedy Ryan:

We can have these difficult conversations. We can explore even traumatic events and then the path of healing. We can talk about all of that in the context of romance because I know it's going to be okay and because we have guaranteed joy. And that is my favorite thing about romance is that we have guaranteed joy, we know it's going to be okay. And especially writing about Black and brown women, which is what I primarily do, it also says you are worthy to be loved.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kennedy Ryan:

There are too few spaces where Black and brown women are loved unconditionally and loved in the way that we are supposed to be, affirmed in the way that we are supposed to be, told that we're beautiful and attractive in the way that we're supposed to be.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kennedy Ryan:

There's so much in culture that is, whether it's implicitly or subliminally, feeding to us that we're not worthy of those things. And that we are the lowest on the totem pole of being attractive, the lowest on that hierarchy. That we're not beautiful.

Amena Brown:

Right.

Kennedy Ryan:

There's so many things that say that to us. And I love that in romance you're going to see, and what I'm writing for the most part is Black and brown women, you're going to see them loved unconditionally and wildly and respected and esteemed and affirmed. And in the end have joy.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kennedy Ryan:

And anytime I can present that, in cultural spaces, is incredibly rewarding for me. For Black women, especially for Black and brown women, to see themselves and say, "Oh my gosh." Seeing a woman being loved this way, being respected this way, being treated this way. Yeah, like, "That's how it could be." And I know a lot of people are like, "Oh, romance gives unrealistic expectations."

Amena Brown:

But does it?

Kennedy Ryan:

What? That a man would respect you?

Amena Brown:

Right. Why is that unrealistic?

Kennedy Ryan:

Because someone would believe in your agency? That someone would center your pleasure? That someone would want the best for you? What's unrealistic about that? You know what I mean? So not that every romance novel is going to be realistic, so that's what I love.

Amena Brown:

Right.

Kennedy Ryan:

That's what I love about the genre.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Oh, I love that. Okay, if you'll share with us, do you have a favorite cuss word that you like to use?

Kennedy Ryan:

I think it's probably, I think it's fuck.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kennedy Ryan:

I think it is. I think it is. I hope my mom never listens to this. But I really think it is. And when you write it, it's so powerful. There's so many things rolled up in that.

Amena Brown:

It's true.

Kennedy Ryan:

And it can be used in so many different ways. But it's never passive. It always kind of just explodes into any conversation. So I think that's probably it.

Amena Brown:

Fuck really does the work. There's a lot of work.

Kennedy Ryan:

It carries a lot of weight.

Amena Brown:

It does a lot of work.

Kennedy Ryan:

It really does.

Amena Brown:

It's almost like the cuss word equivalent of girl.

Kennedy Ryan:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

Especially between Black women. There's a way you could be like, "Girl? Girl"" It could just mean so many different like. I feel like fuck has that. It does that work.

Kennedy Ryan:

It does.

Amena Brown:

It could be like, "I'm disappointed." It could be like, "I'm mad at you." It could be like, "You fine as hell." All in the same word.

Kennedy Ryan:

It's multitudes. Multitudes.

Amena Brown:

I love that. I'm in agreement. I'm in agreement with that. Do you have a favorite Black girl hairstyle? And I know this might change in different seasons of life, so if you have one generally, or if in this season you have a favorite.

Kennedy Ryan:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

Like, "This is my favorite Black girl hairstyle."

Kennedy Ryan:

I think it's braids. Right now I have a few braids and then I have extensions. I have a combination. But it's protective. For me, it's almost always protective. And part of that is because when I'm writing, I tend to mess in my hair a lot and it'll fall out. I have bald spots. So it's always for me protective. But right now I love a good Zoe Kravitz braid. That's where I am right now.

Amena Brown:

Oh yes.

Kennedy Ryan:

The braid with the hair and the messy bohemian feel, that's my favorite thing right now because I don't have to do much to it and I like the way it looks.

Amena Brown:

I celebrate that. I'm just newly backed to trying box braids.

Kennedy Ryan:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

I had had box braids as a child, not me telling my age, Kennedy, but I had box braids back when they had to use the lighter to-

Kennedy Ryan:

On the ends. The burnt ends, the burnt ends.

Amena Brown:

I went back to get some box braids last year for the first time in 20 years. First of all, the girl who's braiding my hair looks like she's in high school. I know she's a grown adult. But it's like I just look at her like, "Are you sure you should be here? Did you finish class?" I don't know. So then when she brought the hot water.

Kennedy Ryan:

Does your mother know you're here?

Amena Brown:

Right. Okay. Like, "Did your mom give you permission?" She brought the hot water and I was like, "What you you getting ready to do with that?" She was like, "Oh, this is how you seal the braids." I said, "No." She said, "You don't use the lighter."

Kennedy Ryan:

She goes, "No, ma'am," Literally, "No ma'am."

Amena Brown:

"No ma'am." Yeah, definitely was, "No ma'am. She definitely also hit me with the, "Oh yeah, my mom used to do that." And I was like, "I feel like you're equating me to being the age of your mother and I don't know."

Kennedy Ryan:

Right. You're like, "Do you want a tip?"

Amena Brown:

Right. Like, "What we doing here? What we doing here? And did you finish your homework before you came in here and braided my hair? Girl, get out." So once she braided my hair, I was like, "Oh my God, box braids. Man, this is amazing. This is a time. I just woke up and my hair is just done. This is great for me. This is great for me."

Kennedy Ryan:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

Yes, so I celebrate that. We love a protective style. Okay, I want to ask you one question in closing. You talked about joy. I want to hear some of your favorite things right now that are bringing you joy.

Kennedy Ryan:

Let me see. Audio books. I'm such a nerd. I've always been a voracious reader so books in some form or fashion is always going to be at the top of my list. So audio books. I would say 98% of what I read is through audio now. And it's just the best. I would say, it's gone off now. Good television.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kennedy Ryan:

We're in an age of some of the best television ever. Succession just ended and Ted Lasso just ended and I'm watching The Bear and I'm just like, "Gosh, we have so much great television right now." I'm watching The Lioness. It is just like there's so much good that's on television. Warrior. So those are just some of the shows that are bringing me joy right now. Burrata cheese.

Amena Brown:

Come on now. Come on.

Kennedy Ryan:

So you go full circle to the charcuterie board.

Amena Brown:

Yes. Yes.

Kennedy Ryan:

With grilled peaches and a good cracker. I've been trying to recreate it and I'm like, "It never tastes right." So I would say that. And then just my family.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kennedy Ryan:

I've been traveling a lot. I just got back from an 11 day trip, where I was away from home for 11 days. And just being with my family, spending time with my family, it means more now because I'm so busy.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Oh, I love that.

Kennedy Ryan:

That's just a few things.

Amena Brown:

Especially the cheese shout out because it does-

Kennedy Ryan:

Ah, yes.

Amena Brown:

It does bring a lot of joy. And also the peaches. I know the girls.

Kennedy Ryan:

Oh, yeah.

Amena Brown:

The girls-

Kennedy Ryan:

I was like, "Grilled peaches and cheese?" And it just set it off. It set it right off.

Amena Brown:

It's everything. The girls are out here ready for pumpkin spice time, and I'm like, "It means we're saying goodbye to peach season though. Let's have a talk about that." Okay, where can the people follow you, get more information about what you're working on? Where can they buy five copies of your book? I always just tell my listeners, "Go ahead and buy five copies. Anyone who's featured here, pick a book and buy five copies of it. That way you have books to give away. New people come to your home. You can be like, 'Here's a book for you. Not my book, but an extra book.'"

Kennedy Ryan:

Right, right, right.

Amena Brown:

So you going to buy five copies. Where can the people follow you and find information about these things?

Kennedy Ryan:

KennedyRyan on Instagram. On the platform formerly known as Twitter, now it's like X.

Amena Brown:

I'm like, "What's that?"

Kennedy Ryan:

TikTok, on Facebook, I'm in all those places. And my link, you know your bio, like your link tree, everything is there.

Amena Brown:

Nice.

Kennedy Ryan:

All my books and announcements and all that stuff. So it's like a plethora of information that's there. And they can find my books everywhere. Barnes & Noble, Target, Walmart, online, all the places.

Amena Brown:

I love it.

Kennedy Ryan:

And if people are looking for a place to start, I recommend starting with Before I Let Go.

Amena Brown:

Um-hmm.

Kennedy Ryan:

Before it comes to screen.

Amena Brown:

Okay, you got to be-

Kennedy Ryan:

Even before you see it.

Amena Brown:

You got to go ahead and do both things. So you can read it, you'll be ready when it comes out on screen. I love that for you. Kennedy, thank you so much just for sharing your journey here. I know that there are a lot of listeners who may be at that crossroads where you were.

Kennedy Ryan:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

At that point in your life.

Kennedy Ryan:

I mean, for people who are at that crossroads, you mentioned that we both came to that place where we wanted to do something different. I mean, I didn't get my first book deal until I was 40 years old. So it's never too late to pivot.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kennedy Ryan:

It's never too late to dig into a dream that you thought was out of reach. I remember looking at Toni Morrison talking about how she didn't publish her first book or get her first book deal and she was 39, and I used to think, "Wow, she didn't get her first book deal until she was 39."

Amena Brown:

Right.

Kennedy Ryan:

And then I'm like, "Oh wait, now look at you, 40. Your first book deal. And you never saw it coming." So it's never too late to pivot.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Oh, I love that. Thank you Kennedy, so much. This was great.

Kennedy Ryan:

Thank you Amena.

Amena Brown:

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network, in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 116

Amena Brown:

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to, not only, a new episode of HER with Amena Brown, but this is the last episode of our Road Story series.

MATT:

(Singing) And now we've come, to the end of the road stories

Amena Brown:

As y'all can see, Matt is here in the living room with us. Welcome. Thank you for being here. I mean, he's normally here because that's how the podcast...

MATT:

Y'all just didn't know I could sing like that though.

Amena Brown:

Boy, boy.

MATT:

Might have a restaurant one day, you never know.

Amena Brown:

Okay, okay. Might have you a singing career, child. We're laughing...

MATT:

You never know what'll happen.

Amena Brown:

We're laughing because that's a thing that my grandma does. It's like, any shred of talent that she sees in you, which, on one level, is a beautiful thing and also is very hilarious. It's like, any little shut up talent like, you sing a little song, my grandma's like, "Oh, you might become a singer one day. Oh, you got a beautiful voice." And you'll be like, "I can't sing like that, Grandma. I'm not Whitney Houston, child." But shout out to having grandmas who believe in you. Okay.

MATT:

That's right.

Amena Brown:

And speaking of good energy, we're closing out our Road Stories because to be fair, the road can be a harrowing experience, and was for us in certain regards, and in other regards, was really wonderful and I thought it would be so great to end with our favorite gigs, our best gigs ever, in our time being on the road. Matt and I have both talked about this. Now, our careers are in a little bit of a different place. We're not, as much, people who are on the road all the time like we used to be. Although, to be fair, we are both still stage people. Matt does a lot of performing that is here in Atlanta area and I am hoping to get back to doing some stage work on the road. I think we both hope to get back on the road at some point.

MATT:

I do miss the road a bit. When the whole world shut down, it was nice to have some gigs in your hometown. And I will say, I do enjoy sleeping in my own bed, I enjoy eating food out of my own fridge, I enjoy the things of your life that you have more control over because you're not on a plane, train or automobile. But there are just some beautiful things about being on the road, experiencing some different parts of the country, different restaurants, you're trying this thing out in this city, well, what works in this city? And then ATL has some specific things about it, you know what I mean? So always perform in ATL. I see some stuff be like, "Man, I sure would like the DJ in that town. Oh man, that looks cool." And so there's some of that stuff that I'm sure we'll get back to, and I sure hope so. So if you're listening...

Amena Brown:

If you're listening and you got some road gigs, holler at a player and...

MATT:

Holler at a player.

Amena Brown:

And book the hotels, right? Anyways. Anyhow.

MATT:

No pressure after listening to this series.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, no pressure at all, but please book the hotels.

MATT:

But our next podcast might be about you.

Amena Brown:

Thank you so very much. Yes. I think there is also a rush to being on the road, especially.... This is going to lead into what is going to be one of my votes for what has been one of my favorite gigs or favorite type of gig that we did. But I think there's something to when you're on the road and... I got a chance to tour with other artists. Matt and I never got a chance to do the type of tour where... Like how you would see, like right now, Beyonce's doing the Renaissance Tour and then she books this tour and it goes into all these different cities kind of doing a similar set of performance or whatnot. Matt and I traditionally did not have a lot of that together when we were on the road, but we did have the experience of having a show that we developed and taking it to all these different cities and seeing, how did it feel in Dallas? But how did it feel in this small town in South Carolina? But how did it feel in California? All of those things and all the fun stuff you get to discover about it.

So my first vote for best gig ever was us performing together. We had two shows that we did together. Our first show together was called God, Rhyme, Reason, which honestly morphed into the second version, which was Breaking Old Rhythms, which is pretty much based on my first book. And that, still, even though I think where we both are as far as how we like to practice our faith now, how we like to express our faith, there's a lot about what we were doing message wise that we would do really differently if we were doing that today, but just the opportunity that we had to really give a generation of kids hip hop history...

MATT:

That was my favorite part.

Amena Brown:

That was really cool to get to do that. That we built a show that you could do in front of a hundred people, but that you could do in front of 18,000 people. That was really cool. That you got a chance to show students turntablism. I mean, this is an era, now, we were probably doing that for what would be considered probably younger or mid millennial age, and towards the tail end, maybe we were getting a little bit of early Gen Z, a little bit maybe.

MATT:

Yeah, a little bit.

Amena Brown:

But the fact that you got to showcase turntablism...

MATT:

I really enjoyed that part of it. We would be out there... I remember when you first came to me with the idea, we were just friends. It just sounded interesting to begin with and it was a puzzle to put together just... Because how do you DJ behind a poet? I know how to DJ behind a rapper, I know how to work with a singer, people working what would be your more standard song format, but free verse poetry, but then also, that's going to be coming in and out of these stories and these monologues and you doing what would be a mini Ted Talk, traditional talk, but chopped up in between all these different elements. But the ingredients sounded cool and your love for hip hop culture, my love for hip hop culture and the idea of it being a DJ and somebody on the mic, I was like, "Ooh, that's cool." So there would be times that, like... There was a part where I would be juggling between the two turntables, cool like that.

And on the other tur... Okay, she's still going in this story. I think I know where she's headed to, but I need to give it some variation. Let me bring the horns in.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MATT:

Back, back. Okay. We need to bring it back down because she's talking some more... Bringing that part with the snaps. And so, even from the idea of a beat maker, but it's like I was sampling these hip hop songs to go under your talk and then for people to be like, "Who is that song with the horns? Oh, you guys. Oh, and then this album, oh my gosh." There would always be a segment of the show where you would talk about the DJ and by this point, usually I'm building up, I'm juggling in the front part of Rapper's Delight or something, you know what I mean?

And it's building up the energy, you know, and then you would step back and give me a chance to just do a DJ juggle routine. And then also, for me, learning how to build a juggle routine for people that might not automatically just be in on what you're doing. It's one thing when you're working for a crowd that's like... They're immediately going to get it, they're already into it, they love it, yes. But then you're in there like, "Wait, what is this? What is this music? I don't know this music." I also find something that's safe and digestible. It was such a great time building that with you that I was like, "Wow, what a cool friend." And then come to find out everybody was right. You got a shot, bruh. Getting married and now we on the road?

Amena Brown:

Yo.

MATT:

In all these cities and be like, "We were really in this town juggling Rapper's Delight and talking about B-boys and B-girls and... Yeah, that was a time, man.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. I mean, I will say, second gig, which is really the first gig that we started doing together, which is one of the best that we've ever done together, is hosting the open mic at Urban Grind.

MATT:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

I mean, first of all, shout out to Urban Grind, which is a coffee shop here in Atlanta, black woman owned, shout out to Cassandra. Still going today so if you live in Atlanta or if you come to visit, now, Urban Grind has multiple locations, so shout out to Cassandra Ingram for that. But you can visit on the BeltLine and visit the original location on Marietta Street, where, to this day, is still one of my favorite open mics to go to. Probably, if I'm honest, Urban Grind is probably my favorite open mic, still, to go to in the city, honestly. But I started out there hosting an open mic and I had a poet who was, I guess, trying to DJ.

So he and I were kind of doing the open mic together, and then I met Matt and he told me that he can DJ and that was my trial run. That was me trying Matt out to see, can this guy really DJ? Because the stakes at an open mic are not that high because everyone from all walks of life and all levels of experience are coming there to do whatever they're going to do on the mic so I felt like a DJ who's not so great is not terrible at an open mic, and if you don't like it, you can just move on, whatever. And so, of course, Matt came and he was very dope, and then I just basically asked him to keep DJing for the open mic. So we really, together, were hosting that open mic, man. I mean, I hosted it in all for nine years. I maybe was only hosting for a year, if that, by the time you came into it. So, I mean, we started out as friends and then we became boos and then we got married.

MATT:

And what a great community, you know what I'm saying? The poetry community in Atlanta.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

MATT:

I didn't have a window into that as much before you. And so, it's like, you have a lot of people that come up to you. People always ask me, "How do you get in to do this?" My kid wants to be a DJ. Or somebody's like, "Yo, I want to be a DJ." And I'm like, look, now, gear wise, you can buy some entry level gear for pretty reasonable price compared to when I first got in, is because a roommate left their turntables and their mixer and their needles and their vinyl records and headphones. You had to figure all that stuff out. But then also it's going to be that somebody's going to give you an opportunity to do it probably for free. And some of those opportunities you take and you go, "Yeah, this opportunity doesn't go beyond, this is where this opportunity ends."

There's a thing that I like the call 'getting paid twice' at a gig and sometimes you're not getting paid the first time,

Amena Brown:

Right. Right.

MATT:

But that second time is because you do that thing... You know you're getting good at a thing when you're at a thing and somebody goes, "Ooh, this is cool. I also do this thing over here. Will you come do this here?" Which was the case with you, "Hey, I do this open mic." "Oh, cool, let's give it a try." Stakes are kind of low, you know what I mean? For you and for me. So I show up, I do this thing, I get some coffee, I meet some cool friends, I hear some great poetry. Cool. "Hey, also, I've got this idea of putting a poet and a DJ together." And I was like, "Let's see where it'll go." Also from there, somebody else is like, Hey, got this other venue, got this other event.

And then you also realize you're getting good when people start going, "How much do you charge for this?"

Amena Brown:

Right. Right.

MATT:

And you have no idea what to charge. And so, for me, I know that every time, I know that I'm probably low balling myself. I'm like, "There's no way that..." So I'll say something and they'll be like, "Yep." And I'll be like, "Okay. They said yeah real fast so I might have said too low." Or if somebody's like, "Pff..." I be like, "Ooh, I might have hit a little too high on it," Which is not usually. Me, normally, I'm too low. And now my wife, Amena, who, much like my friend Amena at the time, was like, "You need to be charging."

But then, from that experience that you had, it's almost like a skillet. You know how they say, with a skillet you don't use soap or something? You clean it a certain way because you're collecting all the flavor you got. And so I would say, from the flavor I picked up doing Urban Grind with you, the communal aspects of it, I still carry that with me when I'm in a venue this past Friday night and it's a thousand plus people in this place, and I don't have the same touch points with everyone in the crowd, but who is close to the turntables? Who's coming up communicating with me? Who are the people working behind the bar? Who is the security who came up and said the thing to me? Those communal aspects of what I loved doing Urban Grind, I still carry with me to everything I do now.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, it is interesting thinking about that because I was talking to someone recently about event MCing or event hosting, and they were asking me, "How did you become so good at that?" And I was like, it's, truthfully, being in an open mic setting, because we had to be prepared, for me as a host and for you as a DJ, for anything, and you don't have any forewarning or for knowledge about what it is. Somebody may come up and do a poem about something really traumatic that happened to them and you can't just bop back up after that and be like, "Y'all give it up." You really got to find a way to, musically and as a host, to hold space for the mood of the room after someone says certain things, to hold space for and honor the story that the person's told. And then the truth is, sometimes poems are bad at open mics, and that makes the room feel weird. Even the audience is like, "Oh, yikes, I'm not sure how to feel about that." And we'd have to improvise on the spot how we were going to help the room recover.

I feel like there's so many things that we learned together in that space, and truthfully, it was the road that made us have to stop doing it because we were just too worn out with travel and not wanting to go into the open mic and not be able to do a great job. But shout out to Urban Grind because hosting that open mic was still one of my favorite gigs ever. And the other best gig, I would say, that we've done together is the series that we did Press Play. And I think this was 2018, I think it was 2018 in the fall, if I'm remembering right, and we did this series, which is still... The series we did, whether it changes names and certainly would be at a different venue next time, I'm sure, but the series we did, that was like a dream of mine that I would love to do again.

MATT:

Would love to figure that out.

Amena Brown:

It was basically like the feeling of what hosting the open mic was like, except, instead of it being open mic, it was curated and we would feature two artists each night, and one of them would be a poet or comedian, and one of them would be a music act. I mean, first of all, we happen to be really, really blessed to know a lot of dope performers. So we really kind of went around to our friends and were like, "Who want to come here and perform?" And shout out to the venue. They were able to provide us a certain amount of budget to be able to pay people, which is great because in the open mic, we had our share of the door that we had with the venue with Urban Grind. Urban Grind would get a portion of the door and then we would get a portion of the door, and so we would take most, if not all of that door proceeds to give to our feature artists. But then it would kind of depend on how the door went.

MATT:

Exactly.

Amena Brown:

If that person got gas money or if that person got money that could have paid a small bill or whatever. So to be doing Press Play and really have, not gang gang money, but have some type of substantial something that would make a performer be like, "Yo, I'm going to come there and do my thing."

MATT:

"I will bring my band."

Amena Brown:

Yes. And come there and perform. That was amazing. And I've always loved the idea of mixing a night with music and poetry or comedy. I always loved that feeling. And then there was a lot of stuff... I also think, which is going to be interesting to see how things go on for us in the future, what else we decide we're going to do on stage or create together, because we spent a lot of years in church world and because what we were doing was a little bit hip hop, was, in some way, fresh. Then, for a long time, what we were doing wasn't considered to be something for adults, which is why we got booked at youth events and college events all the time. And then after a while, they were like, "Okay, they're married. Maybe this is for adults." But it was still like we were in church, so there were a lot of sense of humor things that we might have wanted to do on stage and couldn't do.

MATT:

Right.

Amena Brown:

There was a whole ton of music that we wanted to play and couldn't do. And one of my...

MATT:

We all were listening to them in the car on the way home, just in this space, the sacred versus secular and all that stuff.

Amena Brown:

It just all got weird. And so, by the time we got to Press Play, we had both really stopped performing in church spaces for the most part. And Press Play, to me, was the first time that we got to perform together outside of the open mic. It was the first time we got to perform together and really be ourselves. When I was talking to the audience about the songs that end up in my head when I'm on my period.

MATT:

Man.

Amena Brown:

And the way that you, as my husband, will kind of be like, "I'm going to go get that girl a burger and some fries and I'm going to get some chocolate and I'm going to just slide a tray in there and hope for the best." And I was like, "Yeah, because he knows that in any moment, I could just hear Bone Crusher..." And to be there with you as a DJ and you to drop it and to get the whole room, "Everybody here who has a period, I ain't never scared..."

MATT:

I'm talking about yelling at the top of their lungs. The energy was great.

Amena Brown:

Yo.

MATT:

The energy was really great.

Amena Brown:

I would love to do that again, but that was one of my favorite things we've done performing together. So I want to throw it to you, when you think about you career as a performing artist... I mean, I have a couple of things that I'm wondering if they're best gigs for you, but that's my question to you. What would you say have been your best gigs ever?

MATT:

I'll say that, number one, being on the road with you for so long, it's hard to beat because I am such a fan of what you do and the way you work a mic and the way you work a room and the way you flow. And so, to have somebody that you can get up there with and it not feel weird, cardboardy.

Amena Brown:

Right.

MATT:

You know what I mean? Especially when you're kind of replicating the same thing over and over again in a different city. It really felt fresh. It was really like, "Wow, I get to do this thing..." There were certain songs that I'm chopping up while you're doing your poetry, and I can hear your voice building here, so we're really doing something that only exists in that moment.

Amena Brown:

Right. Right.

MATT:

That it happened. You had to be there. And that's one of my favorite things as a performer. And I would say because now, as a DJ mostly performing in nightlife entertainment, I'm mostly performing just me. Every now and then there'll be an MC personality who's yelling over the beat and I'm finding where they're going, but that time of performing with you, it was like we were a jazz band, a two person jazz band just riffing with each other, but we had places that we were going to go. So now it's kind of all just in my head. I know, okay, I'm at this venue, I know that this time, this time, I'm going to kind of do this warmup set so I want you to be walking cool or I know that last call is by this time so I want the energy level to be up here, and then in order to get people to leave this venue without fights breaking out, I need to switch to this type of music that's still going to have you singing, but it's going to get you, "Oh, it's time to go."

So those are all things that are in my own head. But that time of being me and you out there and a countdown clock, there'll be some countdown clock. And so, that's still just my favorite. And so, yeah, if we could figure out how to do that in a venue, on the road, if anybody's listening and you want to just come and do your thing, we're going to do it at your thing. But that's unbeatable, unbeatable. I'll say, beyond that, I'll probably say one of the ones you were going to say is that I got a text message from a venue that I've worked with a lot, and the guy's like, "Hey, I got something going on. A band was supposed to be here, but they backed out on me last minute. Can you get here right now? I'll pay extra. I can't tell you what it is." It is middle of the week.

Amena Brown:

Whoa.

MATT:

Packed. "Sure. I'm ITP, I'm inside the perimeter. I can get there. Let's go." I wasn't doing nothing, rolled up. I remember getting on the elevator.

Amena Brown:

This is also the middle of the week, y'all. Like middle of the week, it's a Wednesday. We were getting to the part of the day where you've already worked for the day, you're about to decide what TV shows you going to watch. It's that part of the day, in the middle of the week, when Matt is getting this text. Okay, continue.

MATT:

And so, I'm on the elevator and they're taking people's cell phones and put them in a basket when you get on the elevator. And I'm like, "Huh, that's interesting." There's a lot more security. I guess because I'm the DJ and I've got all this gear, they didn't take mine, but I was starting to catch the, "Okay, so we're not catching a lot of video at this gig. Okay, all right. Keep your phone in your pocket, bro." And so, I get up there, come to find out this was the wrap party for the first Black Panther movie. So I get up there and I'm setting up as quickly as possible because all the guests are there and they're like, "Yeah, the director is here, the actors are here." Everyone from the long list of people that takes to put on a movie, the camera operators, the grips, everybody. There's like 5, 6, 700 people at this thing, and they're playing background music.

Amena Brown:

Yikes.

MATT:

And he's like, "Set up quick, I'm telling you what's going on, here's what it is." And so, he's telling me what's going on. And of course, at this time, you know that, "Oh, cool, movie wrap party. Cool." I didn't know.

Amena Brown:

We had no idea how massive of a film it was going to be.

MATT:

No. And so, I set up as quickly as I possibly could. I jump in the mix and I'm doing my thing, I'm kind of eyeballing who's around me, and somebody's like, "Oh, the director, he's from Oakland." I'm like, "Oh, word? Okay." So I get in to my Hyphy bag, I start flipping some [inaudible 00:26:33] and E-40 and let's find out what's up. Next thing you know, this circle opens up and the director's in the middle. He starts Krump dancing and then the next thing you know, somebody else jumped in. And then this other lady walks up with an African accent and she's like, "Oh, will you play some Nas?" And I was like, "Yeah, I got you." So I flip in some Nas. And then when we go to the movie...

Amena Brown:

Man.

MATT:

And I'm watching the movie and I see the actress on the screen...

Amena Brown:

Yo.

MATT:

With that African accent, I was like, "Yo, that person was by the turntable. She was like, 'Will you play Nas?' I was like, 'Of course I'll play Nas. Nas my favorite rappers of all time. You ain't even got to ask. But yeah.'" But I was like, "Yo, and that person right there." And then you see how big of a movie and you're like... Those people had a lot of memories of this thing but I got to be there after they'd already done all the work and what turned out to be a joyous night. And I handed my mic over to whoever, and they handed to the director and he was giving the thanks to everybody for all their hard work and somebody else got on and talked on the mic about all the hard work. I'm like, "Yo, that's my microphone right there." I wasn't in the movie. I'm not saying I was in the movie, but I'm saying it was all the way done. It's at the end of it and my microphone was what they got to thank all these people for this thing that I hadn't even seen yet. That's what I'm trying to say.

Amena Brown:

Yo.

MATT:

And so, whenever we went and saw the movie and then saw it again, and anytime I see the movie from then on, I'm like, "Yo..."

Amena Brown:

Oh, man.

MATT:

I got to be at the aftermath. Like the, "We made it, y'all."

Amena Brown:

Yo.

MATT:

What an incredible event.

Amena Brown:

I guess, of all the gigs you've had and me watching you as your spouse and also as a business partner... Man. You were able to squeak out one text to me before you had to put your phone away and you were like, "Yo, I'm here. This is the wrap party for Black Panther. Got to go, bye." And I definitely text back because, of course, by that time of night, I was at home in a braless robe so you know I'm going nowhere, I'm doing nothing. But I definitely texted back just in case he got it. I was like, "You see Angela Bassett up in that hoe, I will throw this robe off and get some clothes on and throw some makeup. I'll be right there." He didn't see Angela though. I'm pretty sure that Angela Bassett and... Why am I feeling like Larry Fishburne? But was Larry Fishburne in the first one?

MATT:

Lawrence Fishburne?

Amena Brown:

Yeah. But he used to be Larry when he first started.

MATT:

For real? Well, I thought I was going to have to edit that out. Oh, we keeping that.

Amena Brown:

You look at some of them early movies...

MATT:

Larry Fishburne?

Amena Brown:

Like, I'm not sure if... We need to check the credits of Boyz N the Hood, because I think Boyz N the Hood might have been one of the last films that he was listed as Larry.

MATT:

Yo, big ups to Larry. Larry Lar.

Amena Brown:

Now I'm like...

MATT:

That's Mr. Fishburne.

Amena Brown:

I feel like Angela Bassett, and there was somebody else. If it wasn't... Maybe it wasn't him, but there was somebody else that was in that movie that I was like, "Angela Bassett and whoever that person was."

MATT:

Could be Michael B. Jordan was in the first one.

Amena Brown:

No, it was somebody that I was like, if it's anybody that's not going to show up to something like this, it's Angela Bassett and whoever this other person was. But my mind always puts Angela Bassett with Larry Fishburne because they've been in other films together.

MATT:

That's right.

Amena Brown:

But anyways.

MATT:

So Akeelah and the Bee?

Amena Brown:

Yes. Okay. So all that to say though, y'all, he did not see Angela Bassett there so I did not try to throw a cute outfit on right quick and see if they would let me sneak in and be like, "I'm married to the DJ." But that was so exciting to me, for you. You were the right one for the job because you could go in that night not knowing, at all, what it was going to be, and not knowing exactly who was going to be there as far as the kind of music, and to just be able to be prepared.

MATT:

I was DJing and wasn't even all the way... Everything wasn't even connected. I was like, "All right, let me connect to y'all's system, get a song running while I'm still hooking up turntables and my speakers and..." Oh my gosh.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, that was a great one.

MATT:

That was exciting.

Amena Brown:

What are some other best gigs ever, to you, as a DJ?

MATT:

I would say... There's been some events that we've been a part of... I've gotten to do a lot of cool events. From the Black Panther wrap party, from there on, I've gotten to do several other events where there were going to be celebrities there, or it was for the team of that celebrity. And you get there and that celebrity may or may not be there, but it's still an exciting experience to prepare for and, you know, you do your best. Then there's other events that you do that you're not as excited, maybe. It's a cool thing, you're there, you're doing it, it's a good gig and then something surprising pops off.

Amena Brown:

Right.

MATT:

Some of those are really some of my favorite gigs where something surprising pops off. We were in Toronto doing an event that we had done some other events with, and there's some unfortunate parts of that story that made us not as excited to keep doing these events. But there were some contracts and we had some bills due, and then we had talked to some people who had advised us and chose to keep going on with these events. So we're doing these events, and so, you get there... And one thing that I kind of like to do is, I look around and be like, "Who..." From a customer service perspective, I still look at what I do as customer service.

Amena Brown:

Right, for sure.

MATT:

"Who in this room is being served? Who in this room is not being served?" Everybody in this event may be aimed at somebody, and that's cool. I want to be in the flow of the event but if I can veer off just a little bit and let somebody in that crowd be like, "Yo, I see you. It's me and you working right now. Let's go." And I remember just getting into my B-Boy bag, and next thing you know, this, again, back to the circle, a circle pops open, and for real, B-Boy culture pops up in the middle of this event that I never would've guessed would've been at this event. And then the breaking and windmill and all the things that's happening, and you're like, 'Yo, this is so exciting." And those also become my favorite gigs because there's somebody's who's like, "Yo, you see me and I see you," And then you end up having this real cool exchange. So I'd say there's a number of events that has happened where you're like, "Yo, that's kind of wild."

Amena Brown:

Yeah. I thought about two that I was like... They were some of my favorites to hear about, and then one of them I was there for, but one of them was, you did a Christmas party in a big stadium for a big soda brand.

MATT:

Yeah, I can say.

Amena Brown:

Can we say?

MATT:

I can say.

Amena Brown:

Okay.

MATT:

Yeah. Okay. So a friend of mine, who's a DJ... So I get brought in to do some cool stuff by other DJ companies. Shout out to all the homies who come to me and, you know what I mean? And still to this day... I got a thing from a DJ recently and she's like, "Yo, I can't do this thing. It's a venue that I've wanted to be in." I was like, "Yo, thank you. Thank you for thinking of me." It's a beautiful thing that I do love about the DJ community and DJ culture, is it is communal and relationship based. So this dude brought me in on it. He said, "Yo, we got this thing and this thing." And so, what it was, it was the Coca-Cola company, it was their Christmas party. And again, this is right before the pandemic tip, so the world was still open and you're doing this gig and you're like, "Yo, if this is this awesome, what's going to happen next?"

Because each one, you get on this roll where you do this one gig... You're at Urban Grind, and then you don't end up in the Mercedes Benz end zone at the next gig.

Amena Brown:

Right.

MATT:

You kind of work your way up and then next thing you know, like, "Oh, I can handle the Black Panther wrap party with zero preparation." "Oh, I can handle..." "Oh, this person's team brought me... Oh, you're good? Okay." You know, realize, "Oh..." And it grows and grows and grows. So this one, it grew to where, at this party, they had a bunch of DJs and then me and the other DJ, they had us at the end spot, the headliner spot. So you're on this massive table in this big stage in the end zone of the Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta, Georgia, where the Falcons play, where Atlanta United plays, it's a big thing, and you are looking out and, in what would be, the whole football field, is full, as far as you can see, of people and lights and there's moving, there's machines, smoke going up in the air, and it's all this excites up to where you're like, "What is going to happen next? This is going to be amazing." And then the whole world shuts down.

Amena Brown:

Yo.

MATT:

But for the time being, we're on this stage, doing this thing and I remember there are a couple interesting things. Number one, you're rocking with another DJ. So again, as a DJ, I'm always at least three songs, if not more, in my head.

Amena Brown:

Right.

MATT:

There's a song playing, there's a song that I've got queued up on the other turntable, there's a song I'm headed to, but then also, I'm trying to take you somewhere. So in order to get to this song, I'm going to need at least, probably, two or three songs, either tempo wise to get you up there, mood wise to get you up there. We're going on a journey. And so, working with another DJ where you might be like, "Hey, you got this one? I got this one. You got..." That was an interesting thing. Number two, it was an interesting thing that the company who brought my friend's company in, who brought me in, they were like, "We really don't want you to have your phone out, taking selfies, taking video." But you're also like, "This is an amazing opportunity right here." As a DJ or as anybody who's a performing artist, the best thing you can do is show your work.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

MATT:

I like to set my turntables up a certain way so you can see my hands. Because we would be at a lot of events, these large events, and I noticed people would come up and ask me, "Were you really doing that?"

Amena Brown:

Right. Right.

MATT:

And I'm like, "Yeah." Because, to me, I love to perform in front of a crowd. I'm a performance artist, so I like to put on a show, I like to do something that would not have happened had I not have been standing there. So you're on the stage and I want to show my work, because, again, somebody sees you at Urban Grind and says, "Will you do this thing over here?" And then somebody sees you over here and they're like, "Will you do this thing over here? How much?" And that's kind of how it builds.

Amena Brown:

Right.

MATT:

And so, here I am on this massive stage, all these lights... And so I did sneak out a couple of... I think you can probably still see them on my Instagram and then the whole world shut down. That was another weird thing. It was like, okay, I got to kind of sneak it over my shoulder just so you can see this huge crowd. And then the other thing that was interesting working for such a large brand is, this was definitely well communicated upfront, was that you are not allowed to play any music from any artist who has had a brand deal with our competitor, which, you run down the list of people who had Pepsi deals from...

Amena Brown:

That's a lot of music.

MATT:

The year I was doing this, Cardi B's 'I Like It Like That' was the biggest song in the world. Well, she currently, at that time, had a deal with Pepsi, so I cannot play the biggest song in the world in front of this massive crowd that, at this moment, I know that song would light this crowd on fire.

Amena Brown:

Man.

MATT:

And I just remember... It's also interesting in that environment because in the venues that I work at, I do kind of like that I'm accessible to people. I like it. People are coming at me from all different angles. And you get a lot of weird things. You get some unfortunate conversations that you're like, "Okay, you're not helping. I'm a person. You just said that to me? What?" You get those type of interaction. But also, for the most part, I enjoy it because you get some connection points, you get someone from a different culture coming up to you. This guy asked me for this song this past weekend and it was from a Bollywood movie and I don't know it, but I found it in a way that I could hit play on it. Most of my crowd had no idea what to do, so I dropped the music. I'm like, "Listen, we giving everybody some time.` Look, these are my friends. Put your hands up."

And so these dudes put their hands up. I was like, "I don't know what to do to this music either, but do what they're doing." Next thing you know, flash forward three minutes later, the whole crowd is jumping.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

MATT:

I can't tell you where the 1, 2, 3 or the four is on this rhythm that's happening, but you have these interactive moments. So in this big arena, you're in the end zone and the lights are in your eye. You're far away from the crowd but it was wild to still see people writing songs on pieces of paper and holding it up and you squint and you're like, "Wait, what?"

Amena Brown:

Right.

MATT:

But still finding a way to connect with people in that crowd. So that was an incredible gig that I surely thought, "Oh wow, this company that brought us in to do this? Oh, we're doing this again." And that was December and the world promptly shut down by March.

Amena Brown:

Boy, what a time.

MATT:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

That's a time. But shout out to some best gigs.

MATT:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

Because when you came home from that one, I was like, that sounds exhilarating.

MATT:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

When I think of my best gigs ever, I would probably say on the number one is The Together Live Tour. And big shout out to Jennifer Walsh and Abby Wambach and Glennon Doyle for just putting this tour together and inviting me onto the tour. But for those of you that weren't familiar with it, Together Live was a tour that Glennon and Jennifer and Abby did many years before me, I think, or at least a few years before I was invited to be a part of it, and it was very women-centric, it was very inclusive and feminist and just very empowering of women. So on a level as a performer, I mean, I'm sitting on stage with Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach and the War and Treaty and Ashley Ford and Michelle Buto.

MATT:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

I mean, it was just so many amazing people. I couldn't even name you all the people that were on this tour. And my friend Austin Channing Brown was also on the tour so we got to do a couple of dates together. So much amazing things. And I think why it was the best gig ever for me, or one of my favorite gigs to have done, is, I was at this point where I was sort of questioning myself, you know? Leaving Christian space and... I'll use the phrasing, 'having done well there', and I'm using that to mean, I feel like there were people in that space that enjoyed my work. I could go to different gigs that were in church space, and there are people who recognized my work from some other thing they'd seen. And I knew that my work worked in an open mic setting, but I had not been on a big stage where there were people there who weren't church people.

Some of those people at Together Live just ain't Christian, don't want to be Christian, don't want to be nowhere near a church and have good reason to feel that way, and I only had seven minutes because there were a lot of us on stage. So I only had seven minutes to perform, and just doing my poems out there and getting that standing ovation from the crowd and being like, your work is not just for the small space that you come from, that your work applies to other people, is meaningful to other people. And that was a big turning point for me, of knowing what could be possible in my career.

Another thing that the pandemic came and stole from us, because we were actually planning to do a fall and a spring Together Live Tour for 2020 and was just... Man, having so many wonderful creative conversations about that. So I hope something else that comes back around, because that was amazing. That was one of my best gigs. Obviously performing Margaret in front of Judy Blume, which I talked about in an episode here so please revisit that episode. We'll put that...

MATT:

Incredible.

Amena Brown:

In the show notes if you have not listened to that episode.

MATT:

When I got that text from you, I got up and ran around the room. Incredible. Like, go Amena, go. Incredible.

Amena Brown:

Also, there's video of that on my IG of me actually performing that in front of Judy Blume. That was not the gig I was there to do, but it was at a gig and it was the best gig ever because that happened at the gig. And probably my other best one, which, ironically, also happened in 2019, was the Pattern launch party. And the Pattern launch party wasn't technically a gig of mine because I wasn't performing or anything there, but it was the unveiling of the Pattern manifesta that I had written and did the collaborating with Tracee Ellis Ross on. And that was my first time seeing the video that they put together with it. And Tracee was very kind and sweet to just thank so many people that had helped make it possible, and she thanked me in front of everyone.

And this is a launch party where you walking around eating tacos and Lena Waithe walked by and Kerry Washington walked by and the whole cast of Black Lady Sketch Show walked by. It was like, if Black Girl Magic could have been distilled into an essential oil, it was in the air that evening. In addition, after Tracee thanked me in front of everyone and then played the video so we all could see... Tracee and her team are good friends with, who was, the Los Angeles poet laureate at that time as well, and she was there and she walked up to me and was like, "You did that." She was like, "And I know what it takes to write a thing like that, so I'm not just saying that to you to say it to you." So...

MATT:

Love it.

Amena Brown:

Best gig ever, I have to say. I guess I want to close this episode and close our Road Story series with this thought. I feel like, like many of you listening, many of us have experienced varying types of grief and losses during the pandemic. And for a lot of us, life is just very different and in some ways, it may not ever "return back to normal", I know we've all wanted to rush towards that, and some of that may not ever return, but I think, also, this can be a season of time to be able to let yourself dream again about what could be, let yourself dream again about what's possible and I think I had a lot of great time, babe, talking with you about some of this wild stuff that happened.

These are stories that we tell at dinner parties and tell to our families, but I've never really talked about in any sort of public forums or the podcast, so I think I've just enjoyed reminiscing on some of that.

MATT:

Same here.

Amena Brown:

But I think, also, we're not done. We're not finished with this just because that was a phase of our life at that point. Neither of us are done with the stage, neither of us are done with creative work and I think there's a lot more to come. I mean, we actually both have a few things cooking that we can't tell y'all about just yet. But...

MATT:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

Just know, you haven't seen the last of Amena and DJ Opdiggy and the things that we can do and build together, so I'm really excited about that.

MATT:

Girl, I want to work with you again so bad. Come on. Come on, girl. Come up with something.

Amena Brown:

I know, right?

MATT:

You got me over here dreaming, thinking. Yeah. And we are not done with our work that we do together. And the amount of collaboration that happens out of this house, even down to this podcast... People may not realize when they bring one of us in, that you're really getting a p... There's so much collaboration that's happening.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, for sure.

MATT:

In this...

Amena Brown:

For sure.

MATT:

A lot more of it is at least, "Hey, what do you think about?"

Amena Brown:

Right. For sure.

MATT:

Down to the video clips that I was pulling off of my GoPro from this weekend, and I'm showing Amena, "Which one you think? Oh, that one? Yeah. Okay, that one." Or, "You need to post some more." "No," And she's like, "Yeah, doesn't make sense to you, but do it." And she's right. And so, all the collaborative work, I do look forward to performing with you again in front of a crowd. And we always say, is that one day, when our phones stop ringing...

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

MATT:

And those emails stop coming in and whoever decides that they are done with us and they've moved on to somebody else, it's still going to be me and you, girl.

Amena Brown:

Big facts.

MATT:

You know what I mean?

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

MATT:

You're my favorite.

Amena Brown:

You're my favorite. Thank y'all for listening, and I hope y'all weren't too grossed out by us being very lovey-dovey at the end. We're just used to no one seeing how lovey-dovey we are. So there you go, guys. Love you, babe.

MATT:

Love you.

Amena Brown:

Thank y'all for listening. See y'all soon.

MATT:

Thanks.

Amena Brown:

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network and partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 115

Amena Brown:

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to HER with Amena Brown. We deep in the summer streets right now. I hope y'all are too. We're in the time in Atlanta where it's starting to get really, really hot down here.

Matt Owen:

(singing)

Amena Brown:

Yeah, very hot down here. We've had a couple of kind of temperate days. But it is approaching that time when it's two showers a day. If you can pull that off, it's probably two showers a day. If you went out twice in the day, it's very likely that might be a two-shower situation.

Matt Owen:

We don't say Hotlanta, but it's Hotlanta.

Amena Brown:

That might be the only time that is allowed. I'm going to try to help y'all right now. I feel like we've spoken about this on the podcast in the past. But just don't say Hotlanta to anyone outside of a literal funny reference to how hot it is. Otherwise, it lets us know that you either haven't been here or you don't actually live here. Or it just lets people know some things on your cool meter. If there's a cool meter, it lets people know. Also, Matt is here, y'all, in the living room. This is a Road Stories episode. Thank y'all so much for listening in on our Road Stories series. We are winding it down. That doesn't mean it'll be the last time you hear Matt here in the living room. But this will be the end of our Road Stories series and we thought it would be really fitting for us to wind the series to its end by using this episode to discuss lodging.

Matt Owen:

Lodging is important.

Amena Brown:

That's a big part of the road. We'll have this episode. Then next week we'll have our last episode, which is actually going to end on a really positive and fun note. So I'm looking forward for y'all to hear that episode too. All right. Today we're talking about best and worst lodging. And let me tell y'all something. When you're on the road, you are at the mercy of the people who book you.

Matt Owen:

You are on the road at the mercy of the people who booked you. You're at the mercy of the people who work at the places that the people who you are at the mercy of who booked you, who put you. And you are at the mercy of the transportation. And you're at the mercy of complete strangers as you are traveling to the place to be lodged at the place that you are at the mercy of the person who booked you. This is a lot of-

Amena Brown:

It's a lot of at the mercy. And none of it is in a good way for the most part. I mean, I will say if I could overgeneralize for people who book you, they tend to fall in two categories. You either have category one, which is people who want the best for you. They want you to have the best hotel their town can give you. They want you to have the best food available to you. They really want to host you well and give you a great experience. And it's always wonderful when you get those people

Matt Owen:

Very nice.

Amena Brown:

The other group of people are people who ... and really on a level, it's like I can't fault them for what I'm about to say. On another level, I completely fault them for what I'm about to say. But-

Matt Owen:

Shade, no shade. And shade.

Amena Brown:

It is a combination of shade and no shade. There is a little bit of shade here. But the other group of people are people who are really just trying to get by here, okay? They are trying to get you the cheapest flight they can get you. They trying to get you in the cheapest hotel they can get. They trying to get you to eat as cheaply as possible. Those people have no concern for what the rest of your experience is like. And the reasons why I on one hand can't fault them for that is Matt and I both have had experience planning events ourselves. And when you is working on an event yourself, especially on a limited budget and you're trying to bring in people that will give your attendees a good experience, that is a hard job. It's a hard job. We've both been in that situation.

Matt Owen:

People are expecting a lot. When they show up to your event, they are expecting a lot.

Amena Brown:

So you're there just trying to juggle ... convince this person whose work you may be really like or really respect to come to your small town, to come to your unknown event or whatever it is. So you do what you can to meet their contract, their expectations, to meet the pay. But if you got enough money pulled together to pay them, you may not have had money to do the rest of it very well.

Matt Owen:

And you know what? That is one thing that I would say, a lot of times it works out one way or another where, "We can't pay you a lot, but we can feed you good." Or, "Here's what we can pay you to do this." You're like, "Oh, word." And it's like, "But you on your own with everything else." And you're like, "Oh, okay." Most times it works out one way or the other. But then there's sometimes where it just ain't going to work out because ... I get it. We both work with large events and sometimes inside of large systems or large companies or college systems or whatever it is. And there's a lot of moving parts. It's not just this person being like, "I'm stingy today." You know what I mean? There's a lot of moving parts and they may not be thinking about you.

I will say specifically on the DJ side of things, we're usually the last thing that most people are thinking about. Usually, unless alcohol is being sold at this event, people are not really thinking about the DJ. And then sometimes even when alcohol is being sold at the event, they're like, "Oh yeah, we got to entertain these people too. What is the cheapest way we can ... " Or those kind of things. And so I get it, man. By the time somebody brings me in, I try to make myself real easy to work with. What are we talking about? Just go ahead and tell me everything up front. But I also understand that you may not think of everything. So doing this after a while, we have learned and I've learned that definitely from traveling with you that, hey, you might want to ask some questions.

Amena Brown:

Oh, for sure.

Matt Owen:

When I get there, is there going to be a sound system?

Amena Brown:

Yikes. Yikes.

Matt Owen:

Do I need to bring a sound system? When I get there, will there be a table for me to set up on? Will there be a place for me to sleep? Will there be food? Am I going to be fed? Not just will there be food?

Amena Brown:

Am I going to be fed is the question.

Matt Owen:

Am I going to-

Amena Brown:

Because there could be food.

Matt Owen:

Do I get to eat the food?

Amena Brown:

It might not be for you. That's true. That's true.

Matt Owen:

Man, I found out the hard way at an event that I went to where I thought they were sending us to eat the food, because the spread was laid out. It was not in the general area. It was in what would've been the green room area. And you stick that spoon into whatever that special type of corn was and the beans and all the fixings and stuff. Boy, they came around that corner. It did not matter that I was about to hit that stage. They were like, "That food is not for you."

Amena Brown:

I think this is a very important point, speaking of very important. Because sometimes you come in as the artist assuming that the artist would be included in the VIP. You quickly discover that the VIP is not you. That there's another category where they put you but you ain't that. You ain't the VIP. I think-

Matt Owen:

Somebody greeted you at the event, whoever your contact was for that day. And was like, "We are so glad you are here. Thank you so much for coming and being a part of this." The person who is at the VIP event that you're not supposed to be at, they are not also glad you're here.

Amena Brown:

No, no, no, no.

Matt Owen:

They are not impressed that you're there at all. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

We also had to learn on a business level. So for those of you listening that are freelancing, performing artists, or even if you perform as an artist as a side gig, important things. There are things that we had to realize over the years that may have helped prevent some of these worst-lodging situations we're going to get to here. Number one, we have talked about the fact that we traveled to quite a few small towns. The truth is, when you're not in a major town, you may not have a super-duper nice hotel to stay in. You may not have a direct flight that you can book to get there. Or you may have to drive to get there depending on the location. So sometimes it can work better in those situations to do a flat-rate gig. And so we had to discover this too that sometimes you can be getting booked by a certain organization or whatever company. And they may have the money set up in a certain way that they can book everything for you separately.

They can book your travel. They can book your lodging. They can pay your rate and possibly give you per diem. But sometimes you may have a gig that really they can't do that. They may not have the staff to actually handle all those things for you. This is me making up not-real numbers all the way, but could be real. But let's say you get booked and you say your rate is $5,000. You going to get paid $5,000 to go in and do whatever your performance is. And then on top of that, you are asking the organization to book two flights for you. So that you and whoever your traveling person is can travel there. They're going to book lodging for you. They're going to book whatever your food situation is. Okay. But every now and then, they might be like, "We don't have the budget or staffing to handle you sending us back all those receipts and reimbursing you and all the things." They may say, "Can you do the gig all in at 7,000?"

Then it's up to you to decide. Now you have $2,000. First of all, it'll be up to you to decide, have you calculated correctly? Because this also happens. Have you calculated correctly the cost of what it would take to travel there, of how much food is going to cost you per day, and lodging? Sometimes they would say 7,000 all in. And I would be so happy to see $7,000, I would say yes. And then discover that it's too far to drive. And that the flights are going to be $600 to get there because of the location being not in a hub or something. So now I'm 1,200 in on flights. Now I got to decide what kind of hotel am I going to stay in? And what am I going to eat for the rest of that?

Now, of course, there are a lot of budget ways you can handle this. I have some friends who travel that'll be like, "We don't really eat out on the road. We pick the type of hotel that has something of a kitchen." Or, "We don't do hotels at all. We do Airbnbs or Vrbo or whatever we need to do there-

Matt Owen:

But whatever you do, do not make that pizza that's supposed to frozen pizza that's supposed to be made in the oven. Do not put that in your microwave.

Amena Brown:

No, do not do that. Mm-mm. Do not put that in the microwave. Because I will tell y'all that ends very badly.

Matt Owen:

That episode back, you ain't saving money that way-

Amena Brown:

That ends very badly. But as far as people who like to cook on the road, people who are like, "I'm going to get fruits, veggies. I'm going to have oatmeal or eggs or whatever. I'm going to make it myself." There are budget ways to handle this.

Matt Owen:

I carry a travel grinder, because I'm about that with my coffee. I'm going to be grinding. I got the hand crank in there in the mornings, grinding my coffee beans, making my pour over. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

We are also people that will pull off to a convenience store or a drug store or wherever we need to go and get jugs of water. And we bring our water bottles with us.

Matt Owen:

Get that gallon jug.

Amena Brown:

So we can just refill water. You do all sorts of things. But sometimes it's easier on you if you can do a gig all in. If you're in a situation where you're feeling a little questionable about if the people who booked you are going to take good care of you, then they've given you the money. So that you can handle all of those arrangements yourself. So then in that sense, if you end up in a hotel you hate, you just have to take responsibility for it at that point. You can't say, "Ah, they booked me in a hotel I don't like." So that's a little tip for my artists listening. Sometimes you can go all in on a gig. We have some friends, especially our friends who are trying to build their music careers, their bands, they do all sorts of stuff to save money. Instead of doing a tour bus, they'll do a 15-passenger van. And people just sleep on that while they drive overnight.

Matt Owen:

They take turns.

Amena Brown:

They don't fly anywhere. They drive every place because gas and a van would be cheaper than flying six people wherever. You do all sorts of things. And then of course, you hope you get to a certain point in your career where people have respect for the career that you've built. And they are like, "Yo, it's important enough to us to do these things." Janet Jackson obviously is not out here having to be like, "Oh, gosh, I got to figure out how to book my own hotel and make sure it's not a motel with the doors out front."

Matt Owen:

Could you imagine getting that phone call? "Nah son, you pranking me. Hang up."

Amena Brown:

Period. Janet Jackson is at a level where it's like it's all VIP for her, for Beyonce, for artists like

Matt Owen:

Yeah. They've got that worked out by now.

Amena Brown:

But even for indie artists, you can get to a point where you get to that level in your career. But until you do, you working with what you got. Okay.

Matt Owen:

Work with what you got.

Amena Brown:

We going to start with worst lodging.

Matt Owen:

Might as well start there.

Amena Brown:

I wish we had an award name. I wish we had the Lodgies.

Matt Owen:

You, Lodgie, are the bottom.

Amena Brown:

Instead of the Emmys or the Grammys, I wish we had a-

Matt Owen:

Now presenting for Best Bottom Lodgie.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, because don't they give ... what do they call ... I think they give a worst ... I think it's the Razzies is the movies that are the worst, I think.

Matt Owen:

Oh, I think you're right. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

So it would be dope if we could have that for gigs where it would be like these were the best gigs and these guys were the worst. So worst Lodgie, number one goes to summer camps.

Matt Owen:

Worst Lodgie.

Amena Brown:

And we talked a little bit about summer camps in the past. I want y'all to know that we know lots of artists that travel, okay? We have seen on social media, our artist friends getting booked for summer camps, sleeping on blow-up mattresses in a gym.

Matt Owen:

I've done it. I've done it.

Amena Brown:

The people who plan a summer camp have so much shit on their minds. You being a VIP is not one of them, number one.

Matt Owen:

Nah, that's not of value. It's not a valued aspect.

Amena Brown:

Number two, the thing about a summer camp also is that, except for the one rich kids camp that we was telling y'all about, except for that these are always in very little bitty towns. These are in little bitty towns where you got two and a possible hotel choices.

Matt Owen:

Two and a possible.

Amena Brown:

And one of those possible hotel choices has the doors on the outside. And you're like-

Matt Owen:

Do you like the doors on the outside?

Amena Brown:

Y'all, I'm sure my rider might literally say, "We talking about a hotel where the doors are not on the outside." Yeah. I can't stand for the doors to be on the outside, guys. I really enjoy a building. I really enjoy a building where you walk into the building and all of the rooms are indoors. I don't actually know if it really equals more safety. But it's just the mental of me thinking that it does.

I want y'all to know that we did a summer camp in I feel like it was Kentucky, Ohio area. And it was one of those times where we're juggling a lot of things with these gigs. Sometimes you're getting back from a gig. You get home just in time to throw your dirty clothes out of the luggage, throw some other clothes in there, and ride out. Sometimes you're going from gig to gig. And I don't remember what happened here. I just remember that we ended up having to get there very late. It was dark. It was like 9:00 or 10:00 at night. I'm going to tell you another thing about a summer camp, especially church summer camps, is that they are mostly being run by college students. And a college student's level-

Matt Owen:

Our team is so young. It is so cool.

Amena Brown:

Okay. We try to tell y'all a college student's level of understanding of what it's like to be grown is very limited. They have small amounts but it's very limited. And mainly because a lot of college students haven't really experienced what it feels like to be bone tired. They've been tired. They have some all-nighters, some of them. But they haven't experienced what it's like to be bone tired like you can be when you hit your 30s and your 40s. So what I'm trying to-

Matt Owen:

Yeah, I think the travel can wear you out. That didn't kick in until I was well into my 30s, I would say. Probably mid-30s where I started realizing, why am I so tired? Travel?

Amena Brown:

Just the travel, not even the event itself. It's just the getting there.

Matt Owen:

It didn't used to ... What happened?

Amena Brown:

Wear you out. So we get there, it's night, okay? We get there. We do talk to the adult in charge because the adult in charge had to hand us our check. And I think they had to hand us money for per diem. So that we would have money for food. Then they were like, "These two ... " And there's normally a term for these people, the college students. They're camp counselors, they're interns. If it's a very scholarly situation, maybe they say they're fellows. Whatever this is, they have a term for them.

Matt Owen:

I never know what that means.

Amena Brown:

They going to send you with them. They're like, "They're going to show you where your lodging's going to be." Okay, so for those of you that aren't familiar with how Christian colleges work. First of all, there's a lot about that that we don't have time in this episode to explain.

Matt Owen:

I'm not sure myself.

Amena Brown:

There's a lot about that that we can't talk about in this episode. But okay, suffice it to say there's a split on most Christian college campuses between married housing and housing for the people that is not married. Typically, the married housing be a little nicer than the single housing.

Matt Owen:

That's true. That's true.

Amena Brown:

So a lot these summer camps will be hosted on the campuses of Christian colleges.

Matt Owen:

That has been the experience.

Amena Brown:

And we are being now ushered over to what is the married housing for this particular campus.

Matt Owen:

They tell you, "We put you up in married housing." We're like, "Oh. Oh, cool. We married."

Amena Brown:

The way they said it to us was very like we were about to experience something that was so special. Y'all, when you walk into this building that looks like a cabin kind of, we walk in and there is a television on the wall, I remember. I remember that some of the windows did not have coverings at all.

Matt Owen:

I remember several situations like this. The one that's in my mind, there was a TV that wasn't mounted on the wall.

Amena Brown:

That's the one, yeah.

Matt Owen:

But it was like a random dresser that was sitting in the room.

Amena Brown:

That's it. That's it.

Matt Owen:

And the TV was on top of a dresser, but that dresser might have been one of the only pieces of ... I don't remember there being anything to sit on in that room.

Amena Brown:

That's true. That's true.

Matt Owen:

There was a TV that I'm not sure it was plugged into anything. It might have had a DVD player sitting beside it. But I remember being like, "Huh, you decorated. For us? Married housing."

Amena Brown:

Then I remember the bathroom window did have blinds on it. But the blinds were kind of diagonal across the window. So if you-

Matt Owen:

Right. Not sure what it's blinding.

Amena Brown:

Okay. Because if you were in there to take a shower, somebody walked by, that's you naked.

Matt Owen:

You going to get that show. Naked and Afraid.

Amena Brown:

Okay, so then we go into what's supposed to be the bedroom. I want you to know that I'm doing my mom's version of air quotes. When my mom does air quotes about something, it means she is disgusted about whatever the situation is. The small amount of movement of her fingers is an indication-

Matt Owen:

Letting you know.

Amena Brown:

... of how much shade is about to happen here.

Matt Owen:

How phony she feels you are at this moment.

Amena Brown:

Mm-hmm. Yeah. So I want you to know I'm doing my mom's very minimal fingers here, very minimal air quotes, to let y'all know that we went to the bedroom. And we get in there and I'm pretty sure the bedroom either had only one window. Or if it had two windows, one of the windows had nothing on it.

Matt Owen:

No covering at all.

Amena Brown:

And there were two beds that Matt and I are grown enough to know were bunk beds. But they were just not on top of each other. They were just bunk beds that had been put on the same level side by side.

Matt Owen:

Side by side.

Amena Brown:

So we ask one of the college student intern fellows, we ask them, "Is there other married housing that has one bed?" And those kids looked at us and said, "Oh, no, you just pushed these together." Matt is over six feet. I'm almost six feet tall myself.

Matt Owen:

You're close. You knocking on it.

Amena Brown:

So these twin bunk beds that were made for children, it's not just a question of if it's wide enough. It's also a question of-

Matt Owen:

Yeah. Is it long enough.

Amena Brown:

... because it's a bunk bed, it had the frame around-

Matt Owen:

That's right.

Amena Brown:

So it's not just, is it wide enough? It's-

Matt Owen:

It's not like your feet could even hang over. You just ain't stretching all the way out.

Amena Brown:

No. Mm-mm. You really going to be pulling them knees together. So at that point we have to make a decision. We decided based on where we felt we could handle it, to go on and get that reservation at the Country Inn & Suites.

Matt Owen:

Going do it.

Amena Brown:

Which was the equivalent of having anything close to a Holiday Inn in that area. So yeah, mm-mm.

Matt Owen:

I think that you go out on your first trip and you're like, "Huh, that's a story from the road. What an adventure." You go out on your second, your third, you get out there a little bit. And you're still just happy that, "Oh my gosh, I'm getting to do this and I'm getting to see all these cool parts of the country." Honestly, the experiences that you get to have with people and you have these moments with people as a performer that, "This thing I just did, it worked in this town. And it also worked in this town. Those people really loved it. This is great." Then you get on the road a little bit more and then you get a little older. And you're like, "What am I willing to put up with? Because I understand that you got a lot going on, but I've got me going on."

And there is going to be a moment that the lights come on and the sound is up. And I got to do my thing. At what capacity do I need to be, in order to do my thing? What does it require? What do I need? I think maybe that's an interesting question though. You know what I mean?

Amena Brown:

Mm-hmm.

Matt Owen:

I don't know that I ever have thought as much about growing up. You grew up in a family that's figuring it out and then you get out on your own. And you figure it out. Then all of a sudden you start realizing, "Something here has got me bothered. I don't feel good. I'm tired. I got to get perform." Then you start, "Oh, it's because I'm a person."

Amena Brown:

That part. That part.

Matt Owen:

"I have needs. What do I need?" You know?

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Matt Owen:

So you get out there and be like, "You know what? I know this is going to eat into my bottom line, but I need to be able to sleep."

Amena Brown:

Right. I need to be well rested.

Matt Owen:

You brought me here to put on a show, but you ain't put no curtains on these windows. And that is not the show I think you want me to put on.

Amena Brown:

No, it's not.

Matt Owen:

So I'm going to need a place to stay where there's a bed that fits the people who going to be in it and curtains on the windows.

Amena Brown:

And just privacy. Wow, you know?

Matt Owen:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

Just want a little privacy, y'all. That's all. That's all. I also think a part of it is when you're first starting out, all of your travel gig experiences are these one-offs that you're doing. Especially if you're still working, like you say, you have your day job and then you're doing gigs on the side. At that time, I could be a little more lenient or kind of lax about certain things. Because first of all, I'm working a job I don't like so that I can do this thing on the side. So I'd be like, "Cool, whatever this hotel is, I'm just happy to be here." And not-

Matt Owen:

They got cable. I ain't got cable at the house.

Amena Brown:

Boy, they got Wi-Fi, yes. All those things.

Matt Owen:

Somebody else making the bed?

Amena Brown:

And not that you lose the gratitude for what you're doing when you become full-time. I mean, even after all these years, there's still a part of me as an artist that's just like, "Somebody wants to pay me $5." Now, my second thought has to be, "Now, girl, we not taking $5 for ... " okay. But there's still a part of you as an artist that's just like-

Matt Owen:

You don't got a $5 bill.

Amena Brown:

... "Oh my gosh, somebody is excited."

Matt Owen:

My bills are over $5.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Somebody's asked me to perform at this. But after you start doing this as a job, what you're trying to give yourself is optimal conditions. So that you can give the people what they paid for. And sometimes people are paying you to do a gig and it's not occurring to them the other stuff you might need. It's almost like if you are a graphic designer and people are thinking, "Well, I should just pay you by the hour for however long it takes you to design." But it's not that you're paying for the hours of design, you're paying for that person's training, education. You're paying for the experience that they've learned over the years, which enables them to make your logo or whatever graphic design you've asked for. Enables them to make it within a certain amount of time. Because it doesn't take them years to make it, because of their expertise.

Sometimes as creative people, we're not adding that in. And sometimes the people who have the budget are not adding that in. So they're like, "I pay you $5,000, that should be enough." And you're like, "But you're also paying me that money to leave my home. You're paying me to come and do something that I've been doing for over at least one decade," by that time. So there's a lot that goes into that that you don't always consider for yourself as an artist, like you were saying, babe.

Matt Owen:

Because I think in line with what you're saying, it's like you are being booked to do a thing. The thing may only take up this amount of time. Let's say if you're hitting the stage for an hour. And this event itself is only a three-, four-hour event. Or I'm hitting the stage. If it's a conference, I may be doing a hour three or four times throughout the day. And be like, "Well, you just did three hours of work for that much money?" In my brain, go to my job, clock in and clock out, I only worked for this amount of time. Then you realize, "Oh, wait, I had to get up, go find a place to park for my car, park my car." Or, "I had to get up and get a Uber, Lyft," whatever you use.

Also, all this gear, I'm carrying in. Am I renting it when I get there? Am I bringing mine? That means that TSA is going to go through it and something's going to be broken by the time I get there. Now I'm having to perform on broken equipment. Or I had to go to a place and hope they're reputable with what I'm renting. I'm going to rent it. And it's going to be raggedy because the DJ before me does not care about other people's belongings. Or whatever it may be. And so you do all that. And then it's like, okay, then I also have to get to the hotel. We try to fly in the night before. That way you don't have to travel and then immediately jump up on stage. So we fly in the night before, which in order to save money on flights, you fly at a certain time.

By the time you get there in that small town, probably all the restaurants are going to be closed. Where am I now going to eat? I have to figure out something because there wasn't good food on the plane. There wasn't good food in the airport. So now I have to drive a couple towns over to hope that I can find a Waffle House or something open or something that works within whatever the dietary thing that you're trying to live your life and be a well-maintained adult, you know?

Amena Brown:

Right.

Matt Owen:

And then I got to get up in the morning, figure out breakfast, figure out how to get there, sound check. Sound check is never going to go the way they said sound check's going to go. Because again, you have all these moving pieces. And I get it. You've got all these moving pieces. So it's going to be a lot of hurry up and wait. So by the time you actually hit the stage, you have now had to work all of this just to get there. And you're not even done yet.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, that's a lot to consider. This brings me to our next worst Lodgie, which is the fact that-

Matt Owen:

I need a graphic designer to come up with what the Lodgie Award would look like.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, we do need to do a mockup so that we can have an idea about this. But my Second-Worst Lodgie goes to every hotel room that had gurgling heat and AC. Here's the unfortunate thing, people, you could do 1,000 things of pre-planning, okay? You could do the all-in gig where you booked the hotel yourself, you checked the reviews, you looked into all these things. You could get booked by a company or an organization that really wanted to take good care of the artists and speakers.

Matt Owen:

Yeah, all of the above.

Amena Brown:

Puts you in a really nice hotel. But I'm going to tell you what, you going to come across some gurgling, rattling, heat and AC in a hotel. I'm going to tell you what else gurgles and rattles is a refrigerator in a hotel room, people.

Matt Owen:

Yes it does. That refrigerator that you hear it when it kicks in, the ...

Amena Brown:

Y'all, yikes.

Matt Owen:

We've been doing this for a while together. And so we were traveling at a time before it was like these cute little AirPod Pros that fit in your ear without cables that you can put some noise-canceling on or something. Even you sleep in those over-the-ear Bose headphones. Bose, if you want to send us a pair, they work real good.

Amena Brown:

Bose, we would love to see. I know you're listening, mm-hmm.

Matt Owen:

Were doing this in a time before, where you couldn't roll over because there's a cable attached to something. It's just you and the noise in the room, that's it. And ain't no sleep. And whatever sleep you don't get in this town, now you have to take that into the next town.

Amena Brown:

Yikes. No.

Matt Owen:

So even if it was well-meaning people who put you in this hotel, but that hotel got that ... they put you by the ice machine.

Amena Brown:

Or they put you by the elevator. Now I need to bring an honorable mention of Worst Lodgie is when you stay in the host hotel at a youth event. Yikes, because now you are in the hotel. And the moment you get into a good sleep is when the students are coming back from whatever activity they went to do. And you listening to them in the hotel, running around in the halls. I mean, these are things that are inevitable at a youth event. But when you are staying at the host hotel, I'm telling you, you can't control these factors right here.

Matt Owen:

Let me tell you the worst kind of those hotels. Now, if we breaking it down to a sub-genre of the Lodgies. It's the hotel that it's a really tall hotel-

Amena Brown:

That's it. I know the one you talking about.

Matt Owen:

All the rooms are around the outside. But in the center it's just a big open space. So let's say you're on the 16th, 18th, 20th floor. You're looking all the way down at the bottom. And it's just a big open corridor. So that sound can just echo, echo all the way ... And other people's children running wild.

Amena Brown:

All the way. They are unfortunately all the way turned up at a time that you would like to be all the way turned down.

Matt Owen:

When you are at the event to be the DJ, you got to be the cool guy. You know what I'm saying?

Amena Brown:

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Matt Owen:

You here to turn the party up. It's partially my fault that they're running wild. It's kind of on me. So it feels hypocritical for me to go down to the hallway and be like, "Would you hold it down?"

Amena Brown:

"I'm trying to ... " And that's the thing.

Matt Owen:

Let's act like adults.

Amena Brown:

Life comes at you fast. Because you had a time that you were in high school, even some of the college conferences we may have gone to you in your early 20s. You had a time that you were walking up in a hotel in the middle of the night just keeping a racket.

Matt Owen:

Cracking jokes all night.

Amena Brown:

And had some person open their door and look out into the hall. And say, "Be quiet. We're in here trying to sleep."

Matt Owen:

Made fun of you.

Amena Brown:

With their sponge rollers and whatever old stuff you thought that person was about. When you realize that that person is you in the hotel when those kids go running by ... When I really wanted to open up my hotel and be like, "Y'all going to stop keeping that noise out here?" And I was like "Wow, I really turned into somebody's grandma so quickly." Okay, our last worst Lodgie. I want to speak about a Murphy Bed. I want us to speak about being booked for a leadership event. I'm still not sure how this happened.

Matt Owen:

I cannot tell you.

Amena Brown:

I'm still unsure how this happened. But we were booked for a leadership event. Now that I think about it, if I understand the mechanisms of event booking, I think what happened is ... Okay, let me describe to y'all what Matt and I discovered when we walk into what we thought was a traditional hotel room. So we were booked for a leadership event and fly into the thing. This is at what I would probably say would be considered a three-and-a-half or four-star hotel. Probably a four-star hotel but older, right?

Matt Owen:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

But you got all these different leadership people coming in from all across the country. So we go in. I feel like because of how we traveled in, I think it was like we traveled in and had not been in the room that whole day. Hadn't checked in. It was like we traveled in and everything just went to running.

Matt Owen:

I think we went straight into the event. Yep.

Amena Brown:

Rehearsals and sound check and everything. Did the whole event and then got back to the room. So y'all, we got our hotel keys, puts our hotel key in the door, walks in. And we know we're in a hotel room, y'all, but there's no bed. And then you know how when you're in a hotel, they have the door that could be on the side? We opened that door actually. Because we thought, "Oh, maybe it's a suite." But those doors went into the rooms next door. So then we're standing there like, "Did they really give us a room with no bed?" And this is two people who at this point are very, very tired.

Matt Owen:

Man, we've already done the gig.

Amena Brown:

It's been a long day.

Matt Owen:

Traveled, did the gig all in one day. We try our best not to do that no more.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, because of this reason right here.

Matt Owen:

This is one of those times right here. Yep.

Amena Brown:

Because of this Worst Lodgie Award. So we call downstairs thinking maybe they put us in the wrong room.

Matt Owen:

Surely.

Amena Brown:

So we're like, "Hey, we think we're going to need to move rooms because we are in a room that doesn't have a bed." The person at the front desk was like, "Oh, no, there's a bed in there. It's a Murphy Bed." I want to tell y'all right now as a grown person in my 30s that I don't think I knew what a Murphy Bed was for real. I knew that you could have a bed. Because I saw it in sitcoms in New York that you could have a bed that you could put up into the wall.

Matt Owen:

I saw it on The Three Stooges. That's-

Amena Brown:

And then you pull it down.

Matt Owen:

My reference point. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

Okay. I understood that.

Matt Owen:

You in a situation where you on the started from the bottom, still here.

Amena Brown:

I didn't know the term for it, I just knew that bed existed. I just assumed it's a New York, Boston ... it's a Northeast thing.

Matt Owen:

Whoever Murphy is, based upon his bed, I don't think it was a compliment.

Amena Brown:

I think the same person that came up with Murphy's law or that Murphy's law is named after, I think that person also is in relation to the Murphy Bed. I think that's the thing. So we-

Matt Owen:

Well we know it wasn't Murphy Brown, because she was handling that. I

Amena Brown:

No, I enjoyed Murphy Brown.

Matt Owen:

She was handling things.

Amena Brown:

But two Murphys that I don't really rock with is Murphy's law and a Murphy Bed. Eddie Murphy, I rock with. Murphy Brown, love to see it.

Matt Owen:

Smerphies Dance, but that's Smerph. Nevermind.

Amena Brown:

That's different.

Matt Owen:

That's a hip hop something.

Amena Brown:

But Murphy's law and Murphy Beds, yikes. Okay, so we finally find the little latch where you supposed to pull this bed down. And there's a lot of questions regarding a Murphy Bed. One of them is, do you know when the last time was the sheets were changed?

Matt Owen:

Oh, because it unfolded with sheets.

Amena Brown:

Unraveled. It wasn't even made. It was just like ... And now that I think back on this, the reason why this organization gets the worst Lodgie, now that I think back on this, I think what happened is they forgot. I think they had that room that they had been using. Because the conference had been going on for a couple of days. Sometimes people who are the organization leaders, they'll have a couple of suites. So that they can have meetings or little meet-and-greets or whatever. Because the room also had a very long farm table.

Matt Owen:

It did.

Amena Brown:

Long enough that you could probably seat eight people at it. That's how big the table was. So I'm like, "I'm pretty sure that they were using this room for meetings and all sorts of things. And they got to the end of the day." And we were like, "Yeah, great. Glad the gig went well. We haven't had a chance to check into our hotel." And they were like, "Oh, shit. We forgot to book so-and-so. Go get the keys. Get the keys for the-"

Matt Owen:

"Have we got a room for you."

Amena Brown:

Worst Lodgie Award.

Matt Owen:

Matter of fact, one day you're going to be doing a podcast.

Amena Brown:

Murphy Beds.

Matt Owen:

And it's going to be a great story to tell.

Amena Brown:

Yikes.

Matt Owen:

Also, if I remember, I know somebody knew that ... First of all, I think what you're saying is correct. I think that's absolutely right. And if I remember correctly, the hotel ... Because it was a nicer hotel. They sent a cheese plate.

Amena Brown:

That's right.

Matt Owen:

They sent us a cheese plate because they knew it wasn't cool. They knew this situation was not above board.

Amena Brown:

They knew it was terrible

Matt Owen:

They was being foul. So, "But you want some cheese?"

Amena Brown:

I was like, "I really want a different room." But we could not get that going. So we had to make it work in that Murphy Bed. I can't remember if we ended up getting them to bring us new sheets and we made the ... Y'all, all of that is fuzzy now because we were so tired. But worst Lodgie Awards go to, "You can push the beds together." "No, we cannot." Worst Lodgie for all of the gurgling heat, AC, and refrigerators.

Matt Owen:

Worst Lodgie.

Amena Brown:

Worst Lodgie to the Murphy Bed.

Matt Owen:

Worst Lodgie.

Amena Brown:

Okay. Now, I'm not going to y'all on a worse note because we have had some Best Lodgie Awards that deserve to be given out.

Matt Owen:

Lifes are full of ups and downs. And when you're down, hopefully you end up back up again.

Amena Brown:

Mm-hmm. So I want to give a Best Lodgie Award to the New York hotel that we stayed at where we actually could see the Statue of Liberty from our window.

Matt Owen:

Man. Man, that view, incredible.

Amena Brown:

I would also like to give a Best Lodgie Award to the hotel where we stayed at where we could see down into the Cardinals Baseball Stadium. I remember this one very specifically. Because we had been on a string of Mid to Worst Lodgie Award situations. And every now and then it would happen where you'd get a really great lodging setup. So we put the keys in ... This hotel's very nice. Four-star, fairly new hotel. Very nice. We put our keys in the door and walk in. And we're like, "Oh, this is nice." Then we put our stuff down and walk around the corner. We're like, "Wait, there's more-"

Matt Owen:

"There's more."

Amena Brown:

So it was a big old suite, I remember it had two bathrooms in the same suite. Some of y'all are going to be like, "Yeah, that's standard for the hotels I stay in." It is not standard to us, okay?

Matt Owen:

It's not standard. No.

Amena Brown:

Two hotel bathrooms in one room?

Matt Owen:

Because listen, when we're at the house, there's two of us here. So nobody ever has to wait to use the restroom. You handle your business, whatever you going to do in there. But when we're on the road it's like, "Oh yeah, I got ... But you know what? No, you go first." We take that turn. "Nah, nah, nah, I think I'm good. I think you really got to go. So you go." But that one had two.

Amena Brown:

Boy, I'm talking about Matt and I ran around like the two Pentecostal-raised children we are. Ran around. We was shouting inside of that hotel room, it was so amazing.

Matt Owen:

When you end up getting lucky to have a really nice hotel, you can pull up Yelp and find restaurants that meet all your dietary needs, all of everything. And it's all within walking distance. And you're like, "I could live my life like this. This is great." You walk out. And sure you may learn the hard way in Chicago that it's not Illuminati's Pizza when you ask the man at the door. And he's like, "Sir, that is Lou Malnati's Pizza." But you're in a nice hotel where that will break stuff down to you. And be like, "Also, you make this left and this left down there and you going to get there. Would you like a car service?" "No, I would like to walk." But I think that is also the benefit of, number one, you don't have to push your beds together. Number two, there's a working shower that probably doesn't-

Amena Brown:

Ooh, a working shower, my God.

Matt Owen:

The water's not rising in the tub. And you're like, "Let me shower quick because we about to overflow." Things are just working the way it's supposed to. It's nice, it's peaceful, and then also there are amenities around you. That is also the thing that's like, okay, I've had a string of four stinkers of hotels. The Lodgie list is growing. And then you get to that one, you're like, "You know what? I could do this. I can keep doing this."

Amena Brown:

Really, I think honestly, you get a chance to live the life that for a long time some of our friends and family thought we were living.

Matt Owen:

Yeah, every now and then-

Amena Brown:

They're assuming you're on ... If they've been on a vacation where they stayed at an all-inclusive resort or they stayed at a really nice property, they are assuming that when we are on the road it's us performing just staying in hotels like that.

Matt Owen:

Every now and then you get to the airport and it's the car service.

Amena Brown:

Oh my God.

Matt Owen:

And the person's holding the iPad with your name on it or the list or the document, that that's holding the sign that's got your name on it. And you're like, "Oh, this trip's going to be all right." But the one before it and probably the one after it, you going to pay them dues one way or another.

Amena Brown:

Mm-hmm. Yeah, these Best Lodgie Awards is what people think it's like when you're on the road. And the road is mostly not like that. But every now and then you get one that you're like, "Ooh, I get to actually maybe have nice room service." We would have every now and then if we got in a really nice hotel like that, if it was a organization or company that booked us, they would be like, "Just order whatever you want to eat. We're not going to do per diem. But whatever you want to eat, just charge it to the room. Just charge it to the room."

Matt Owen:

And their card is the card on file.

Amena Brown:

Not us turning into Macaulay Culkin. That was in the second Home Alone when he was home alone in New York. We would just run it up. Whatever they had on the menu y'all wanted to try, they have two cheesecakes, yes.

Matt Owen:

Side note, if you are a young artist listening to this and you're taking notes of what to do and what not to do. Or whether or not it's worth it to keep doing this or not, it is. Keep going. But one thing we definitely learned the hard way as two people who were building their credit when we first started doing this and didn't have good credit. So we didn't have credit cards. So when you go into a town, whatever type of hotel they booked you at, they're going to want your card when you get there for incidentals, for if you break something, for whatever you charge to the room.

So if you go in there with your debit card, depending on the hotel, they are going to put a hold on your card. And depending on your financial situation as a up-and-coming artist who might have just quit your day job and are trying to do this thing. And you got that one gig and you hoping you going to get that next gig. And you're like, "Ah, my bank account though." If you can, get yourself a credit card because that's really going to help you. If you can't, be aware.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, for sure. For sure.

Matt Owen:

Because that shock. When you're having that shocking moment standing in front of the person on the other side of the desk at the hotel, it's now too late.

Amena Brown:

That's true.

Matt Owen:

You got to stay somewhere. It's, I know for me, embarrassing. It's humiliating. You deal with yourself at that moment. But I'm just saying, if you can, get you a credit card. If you can't, be aware and think ahead.

Amena Brown:

Right. No, that's a great point, babe. Because I would like to also give an honorable mention Worst Lodgie to the organizations who inevitably forget to sign the authorization form. So that the hotel can be charged to their cards. You talking about getting into a hotel at 11:00 PM after flight delays and whatever happened to you that you got in so late. You're tired. You got sound checks sometimes at 7:30 the next morning. And you get in there and you're like, "Yes, I'm checking in." They're like, "Okay, we just need a card on file." "No, it should be paid for through," and you say the name of the organization. "Oh, looks like they didn't sign an authorization form." And you try to call this person at 11:00 at night and can't get them. So now your choice is, are you just going to sit there in the hotel lobby until this person wakes up in the morning to get your message? Or are you going to have to use your business credit card or, heaven help you, the business checking account, which is a situation we were in a lot of times-

Matt Owen:

Or your personal, if you don't have your business set up right.

Amena Brown:

If you don't have a business checking, yeah. Then now you have to give them your debit card, and it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if the next day the organization's like, "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I got it all taken care of." Now the hold is there. And now the hold won't be released for a certain number of business days. Do they care about the bills you have due in between the business days? Do not.

Matt Owen:

Mm-mm. It's your business.

Amena Brown:

So that was a thing we had to learn. Until we were able to get a credit card for the business, what we ended up having to do was keep a certain amount of cash cushion in our business checking. So that if this type of situation happened, it wasn't holding up all the money. But y'all, I'm going to tell you, there's some hurt feelings, some tears wanted to be shed regarding the hold on that, and rental cars. Yikes. Please. Also, as our last Best Lodgie Award, I want to give a shout-out to the hotel that I stayed in LA for Maker's in 2020, which was a month before the pandemic, y'all. Before pandemic tipped in the US. This hotel was such a nice suite, I almost walked in and walked all the way around and was like, "Am I in the wrong room?" I was like, "Surely this is not my room." I mean, the whole beautiful view of Los Angeles, the big old soaking tub. Y'all know I love a good hotel tub, okay? The big soaking tub and the shower.

This is when you're having rich people problems. You know what I'm saying? Because most hotels be like, "You don't get both of these. You going to get all in one or you going to get just one. You're going to get just a shower and get a tub at your house. We don't care." But when they're like, "Herein is a soaking tub where three people could fit in this tub. Herein is a shower where two people and a possible could also fit in the shower." I want to give a very special shout-out to that. Did I record a video of myself in the room just to send to my family and friends? Yes.

Matt Owen:

Stunting. Stunting.

Amena Brown:

Yes I did because I just wanted to be like, "This is real. It's not just me embellishing that it's amazing." I did a tour. I did a tour for the people. So shout out to the lodging.

Matt Owen:

All right, I'd like to give two special mentions after you just gave our-

Amena Brown:

Our Best Lodgie Awards. We're doing Best and Worst Lodgies.

Matt Owen:

That's right. Best Lodgie. So I like to give two special mentions to two things that were cool experiences that I don't know that you're going to find a lot of places. One is a technology that was kind of popping up. But might have been unnecessary, but it was cool at first. That was the hotels that started putting little mini TV screens in the mirror. Remember that in the bathroom?

Amena Brown:

Man, that was a time. That was a time.

Matt Owen:

So if you were in the bathroom and you watching the game, you could go, and here it is at it. We all have phones and stuff on us now and the Wi-Fi and iPads. If you need to watch something, entertain yourself, however long you going to be in there, whether you're in the tub soaking or handling your business. So pretty unnecessary. But I remember at first being like, "Whoa." I remember taking videos and pictures, sending to friends, like, "Look at this, dude." And let's be honest, most of the time it didn't work. It was just fuzz or something.

Amena Brown:

Right, that's true. It was very cool. But then you were like, "Is this working?"

Matt Owen:

Yeah, that time has passed.

Amena Brown:

"How come I can't hear it?"

Matt Owen:

So special shout out to that. Also, special shout out to the hotel I was at in-

Amena Brown:

Montana.

Matt Owen:

... in Montana that I went into that the hotel was fine. It was just pretty good little hotel. But in the bar ... This is the wildest thing I still think I've ever seen. In the bar, they had what looked like a massive fish tank behind the bar with people dressed up as mermaids and mermen swimming, just doing mermaid flips and swimming up to the glass. And the whole tail, no feet thing. Mermaids and mermen. I guess that's the proper ... I don't even know what the right-

Amena Brown:

Merpeople.

Matt Owen:

I was like, "I don't know that you're going to run into a franchise of these." I don't know that you're going to be like, "Oh yeah, I also saw this in Chicago, New York, and LA."

Amena Brown:

Feel like the liability's high. High liability on this.

Matt Owen:

And that's a pretty specialized group of people. Need to be able to hold your breath for a long time. Do something interesting enough in that ... because it was fascinating. They were artists. Those people doing that thing, I hope they paid those people. But shout out to that. That's something that I may never see again. But that one time I saw it, whoa.

Amena Brown:

That was very cool.

Matt Owen:

Very cool.

Amena Brown:

That was very cool. When you came home and told me about that, I was like, "That is very cool." And herein is another theme in what we have talked about on Road Stories that I feel as things have opened up again. And we've been able to now do some traveling, but not for work. Not for gigs, per se. Sometimes we travel just to go to a different location and work on stuff or for client things. But it really does make a difference, these types of experiences that you can have. I think what I've enjoyed, even though we've been on the road way less than we used to in this other season of life, now we get to pick some hotels because they're designed really well.

And we get to go and see how they design this, how the architecture looks. Or if it's a historic hotel, all those things. Sometimes we get to treat ourselves when we can, which isn't all the time. But when we can, treat ourselves to just a nice hotel stay where it can feel like somebody else gets to take care of you a little bit. So I do enjoy those aspects of travel still. But now because we're traveling on our own reconnaissance, we get a chance to pick and choose where we're going, the city we're going to-

Matt Owen:

When we get there-

Amena Brown:

... and where we're staying.

Matt Owen:

And when we're leaving.

Amena Brown:

Mm-hmm, that's it. That's it.

Matt Owen:

Because let's talk about the ability to not take that red-eye flight back home immediately after the gig.

Amena Brown:

Oh, no. Please. No.

Matt Owen:

Sleeping in the next day, getting up. Yeah, it's nice.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, we're those people now. So Best and Worst Lodgie Awards. We hope all of these places, even though we didn't tell you the exact location of them, they know who they are.

Matt Owen:

They know.

Amena Brown:

All right, tune in next week, our last episode. We're going to tell you about what were our favorite gigs of all time. What were our best gigs ever. So we'll see y'all next week. HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network and partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 114

Amena Brown:

Hey, everybody, welcome back to a new episode of HER with Amena Brown. My husband Matt is here. DJ Opdiggy is here in the building, in the living room with us.

Matt:

Hey, everyone. Welcome to another episode of HER with Amena Brown. I'm Matt and I'm here with Amena Brown.

Amena Brown:

It's her.

Matt:

I feel like I've been here a few times.

Amena Brown:

It's her with him.

Matt:

So I am happy to be with her.

Amena Brown:

Love to see it, in so many ways. Okay, so today I want y'all to really, really try to channel Charles Barkley saying the word terrible.

Matt:

That's terrible.

Amena Brown:

For the road stories we're going to tell you right now. So these are some of the probably what would be on our list of the yikes. This is the yikes of the road stories.

Matt:

Shout out to your sister, yikes on bikes.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, yikes on bikes for this one, guys. Okay, so one thing, I think we had talked earlier about how most artists, and a lot of speakers too, but in particularly artists, whether it's indie artists or your mainstream artists, whether it's artists who were in Christian space like we used to be in, or whether it's artists who are just traveling in various sundry places, most artists have what's called a rider. An R-I-D-E-R, rider.

And if you don't do events world, you might be like, what's that? Where there's a such thing as a technical rider. Where in a case with Matt as a DJ, the technical rider will have his sound needs. If he has visuals, if he's got particular audio specifications of what he needs, the technical rider tells whoever is running sound and AV at the venue that this is what he needs as an artist.

Matt:

I need a table to set up on.

Amena Brown:

Right. I need XLR, I need DI cables. It's all these things.

Matt:

Wow, look at you. Look at you.

Amena Brown:

Did y'all see me naming stuff like I know what I'm talking about?

Matt:

I mean, I don't really need a DI box. It's a DI box. But I mean, I'm on HER, so DI cables.

Amena Brown:

Nah. I knew it was DI, y'all. I really didn't know if it was cable on the end, and I just threw it out there to see if it was going to work out. So it is DI box.

Matt:

I'm impressed.

Amena Brown:

Which we did have to use in your setup.

Matt:

We did.

Amena Brown:

At one time.

Matt:

At one time.

Amena Brown:

All right. So now there is a regular rider, that's not the tech rider. And the regular rider can have all manner of things in it according to the artist specifications. I know I have a food rider, because I have certain dietary restrictions that I have to keep to when I'm on the road.

We had our travel specifications were in there as far as the airline that we travel, the types of hotels that we to stay in, all these things. Even down to... now, what I'm trying to get to in telling y'all about the rider, is the reason why artists and speakers have riders is because nine times out of 10, if you see something on the rider that's kind of wild sounding, especially for independent artists, I know we know plenty of rock stars who have, "I want white doves in my green room."

Matt:

A baby grand piano.

Amena Brown:

"I want all of the green M&Ms pulled out." I'm not talking about those things. I'm talking about when you see some things that you're like, "Why does it say proper heating and air? Why does it say a hotel room where the doors are not on the outside? Why does it say those things?" And when it says those things, it's because something got messed up at a gig in the past. And that's how those things end up on the rider.

Matt:

It's always something that you're like, "Nah, we wouldn't have to spell this out. They would." And then you get there and be like, "Oh, okay."

Amena Brown:

Okay, we needed to spell that out.

Matt:

I need to specifically say this.

Amena Brown:

That wasn't a common sense thing. Right. So one thing that my rider says, is it says that I need an area prior to performing that has proper heating and proper air conditioning. And the reason why it says that is because I used to do a gig that was in the mountains in undisclosed location, and it was for students. And so when you went to the gig, it was in a big convention center pretty much.

And the year that I went to it, the green room was basically behind the convention area. So if y'all have ever been behind an arena or convention center, pretty much the back of it is all the other different used chairs and different things that they have to had sectioned off. Different cases for sound and video equipment is back there. But what's not normally back there is a green room. Why? Because it doesn't have heating and air in the same way that the indoors portion... it's all indoors, but the part where the actual people is sitting at...

Matt:

People supposed to be at these indoors, people ain't supposed to be in those indoors.

Amena Brown:

Mm-hmm. And so it was 19 degrees, and we are in a warehouse looking kind of area for the green room. So the ceilings are very, very tall and there is no heating back there. I just know that the organization had plugged in some space heaters. And I'm going to tell y'all, when you're in something that could be the size of a cathedral, a space heater, it turns out, is not going to heat properly.

Matt:

It's heating a space, but not this whole space.

Amena Brown:

And I'm there as a poet. There are also singers there. It was so cold, it was primetime for us to be getting pneumonia. The singers are nervous as hell because they are in the back like, "Am I here trying to get paid? But I'm also going to get sick," because it's moist air, like it would be outside. It's cold enough that it could be snowing outside. And I'm in here, I'm inside, but it's still just as cold as it is outside. They gave us little hand warmers to warm our hands, and pretty much our choices were either we'll be in the green room and have a little bit of space to ourselves and be cold, or be out there where the students were and have the students just talking to you, students and other adult leaders that were there, chatting you up until your performance. That was your choice. And for introverted artist, yikes.

Matt:

That's no good.

Amena Brown:

Yikes. So that event is why my rider now that's says...

Matt:

That's snuggle weather right there.

Amena Brown:

... proper heating and air. Proper heating and air. Also, I would like to speak about gigs and traveling to racism.

Matt:

Yelp could use it, as you know how whenever you're looking up something on Yelp, nearest to me, four stars and above, if you're looking up...

Amena Brown:

Oh yeah, like the filters.

Matt:

... open now, a filter. That would be kind of interesting to have a racist area.

Amena Brown:

If I go to this restaurant, am I traveling to racism? I would like someone to just express that.

Matt:

You know how on Apple maps, you'll be driving along and you'll slow down and the thing will pop up saying that there was something, some hazard was in the road, and they'll ask, is it still there or has it been cleared? I never know what to say, because I'm always scared. I don't want to hit clear, I just X out of it. But it would be interesting if it was like, racism spotted here. Is it still here?

Amena Brown:

Is it still racist?

Matt:

And we'd be like, yes.

Amena Brown:

Yes. Indeed.

Matt:

That way you kind of pass.

Amena Brown:

Indeed. If you're traveling through that area, you will indeed travel to racism. Yes. Yes. So Matt and I, as we've discussed in previous episodes, have traveled all over the country. All over the country, y'all. There are very few states that we did not travel to-

Matt:

That's true.

Amena Brown:

... at least once.

Matt:

Either together or separately.

Amena Brown:

Or separately, yeah. So we have traveled all over the country, various regions, various times of the year, all sorts of things. And there was one time that we got booked for a youth event, and I want to say it was in Kentucky, Tennessee area. This gets blurry now, but it was somewhere that it would still be considered the south, but maybe bordering what could become the Midwest a little bit. And I remember Matt and I, we were talking to y'all about the southeast portions of the road. And we live in Atlanta in the southeast, but Atlanta is a major metropolitan city. It is a sprawling place. It's like you're in Atlanta, you can almost eat any kind of food you want to eat. You have all sorts of choices. Being in Atlanta and being in a small town in the southeast are two different things.

Matt:

Atlanta's like an island. There's Atlanta and then there's Georgia.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. There's Atlanta and Charlotte and some of these other cities that you'd get there and be like, "Oh, I'm in a city when I'm here." And then you could be two hours from that in a very, very small town and be like, "Yikes, I'm concerned for my life right here."

Matt:

You could be 30 minutes outside of the Atlanta and people like, "Oh, you mean go into town?"

Amena Brown:

I'm like, okay. Yikes. All right. So when we were at this gig... now, sometimes when we would do these southeast runs, it would basically be like we were only in the small town for a night. So we'd like be at this small college and whatever this little town was, do our gig there, drive two hours to the next gig. Sometimes that was the run. But every now and then we got booked for a camp. And this is a good time for us to talk about camp life.

Matt:

Oh, man.

Amena Brown:

It has a time. Because when you get booked for a camp, the camp has a limited budget. The camp ain't paying for people to come in for one day. They going to try to pay you as well as they can. That's too much of a statement. You going to get a number.

Matt:

They going to pay you what they going to pay you.

Amena Brown:

They going to pay you what they're going to pay you. They maybe not going to pay you as high as they can, but the number's going to feel high to you at first when you see it, until you really think to yourself that they're asking you to come to that place for five days. Because the camp going to run Monday to Friday, sometimes into Saturday. Depends on how the setup is. And if these are church kids, then they got to end in time to get back to they churches on Sunday. So they typically paying you for five days, because they going to have a little sendoff service on Friday where they got to get the kids amped up to go back.

Matt:

Throw a dance party.

Amena Brown:

Totally.

Matt:

But don't play those songs.

Amena Brown:

But don't play the air quote secular. Do not play the secular music for those children, is what they going to tell you. So when you're in this situation, you are not in Atlanta where you can be like, where are some vegan eats? Where is some organic food?

Matt:

Right. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

Where is some dairy free food? No, those aren't your choices. You are in small town wherever for five days. They got a Hardee's. They got someplace that's kind of like cafeteria style that's probably got-

Matt:

Always.

Amena Brown:

... some southern food, something.

Matt:

Some green beans that are sitting in some liquid.

Amena Brown:

That you can't discern.

Matt:

Swimming. Green beans.

Amena Brown:

They got some restaurant that got some either fried kind of foods, some fried fish, some fried chicken, some something.

Matt:

Fried okra. All of it.

Amena Brown:

Or they got one that's got some barbecue something. But do not ask those people for vegetables. It's coleslaw and starch.

Matt:

Do you have a Whole Foods anywhere nearby?

Amena Brown:

No. Good night. You might, sometimes in little bitty towns-

Matt:

Sprouts?

Amena Brown:

No.

Matt:

Trader Joe's?

Amena Brown:

You might find a mom and pop health food store.

Matt:

Maybe. That's a big maybe.

Amena Brown:

That's like a size of a convenience store.

Matt:

But it's never open the day you trying to go.

Amena Brown:

No, it's not. The hours are very short, and you have three hours that you could eat in that place.

Matt:

Whatever day you trying to go, they're not open then.

Amena Brown:

They're not going to be open that day.

Matt:

No.

Amena Brown:

No thank you. So this particular camp that we were at, we were already having a time. And I remember we were trying to figure out like, okay, what's in the area that's close enough? Because here's the other thing. When these type of camps book you, they are trying to get everything out of you they can in five days. So you typically don't have a day off, and sometimes during the day you might only have a two hour break to go get some food before you got to be back for a sound check or be back for a session, be back for a Q and A or whatever.

So when you're going to eat, you really got to be focused on your focus. You can eat and get back. So we find a restaurant to go to, walk up in there, and people asked us a lot when we were dating and got engaged. I had quite a few people at our church at that time asking us had we thought about what it was going to be like to travel together as an interracial couple. And I didn't want to dismiss what they were asking, but I just didn't expect that it was going to be as much of a problem I guess as they were asking us. But this particular place was the one moment I can remember being like, "Oh, shit, I'm wondering if we need to be concerned for our safety."

Matt:

Yeah. It was definitely the most concerning place that we've been. We had some Midwest towns where I could tell people were uncomfortable, and I was like, all right, I got to stay close. But that one was like, I'm not going to the bathroom. I'm sitting right here by you. There will not be a time that I'm not sitting beside of you on this trip.

Amena Brown:

We walked up in there and we could hear the people's forks hit their plates that we walked in there together. And I'm pretty sure this was in... this is not me saying that me and Matt don't walk around holding hands today, but I'm just telling y'all, I'm pretty sure we had only been married a couple of years at this point. So we were two people who walked right in a place holding hands with the fingers intertwined.

Matt:

Booed up.

Amena Brown:

It is very clear that we is not friends, that we is not coworkers, or whatever.

Matt:

Not work associates. None of that.

Amena Brown:

So I think they saw our little lovey-dovey selves walking up in there, them forks, clink clink on the plate. It got quiet as hell. I literally was like, I don't know. Because we've had some other times where we were traveling and pulled up to a place and saw Confederate flags outside of it, or saw references to Dixie, and like skeert skeert.

Matt:

Not for us.

Amena Brown:

Ride back.

Matt:

Roll up.

Amena Brown:

Like, we're going to get gas somewhere else. Good night.

Matt:

Yep. Got enough in the tank.

Amena Brown:

But that was one of the first times of being in a place and seeing people freaked out.

Matt:

Reacting the way they were. She's not making extra of it, it was really that wild of a reaction.

Amena Brown:

The only thing that really helped us was the fact that we were at that camp, and one of the youth groups was in the restaurant, and they saw us and they were like... and they made whatever noise they made, and that really saved us that day.

Matt:

It did.

Amena Brown:

Because it made the rest of the people...

Matt:

Have to back up.

Amena Brown:

... in the restaurant kind of chill. It also made us have to eat fast as hell so that we could be done with our meal close to the time.

Matt:

Before they got back with their tiki torches.

Amena Brown:

Close to the time the youth group was leaving too, so we wouldn't be stuck in there by ourselves. But that meant in a small town that had four places to eat, now there's only three that we can eat at.

Matt:

It was almost like, remember in the last episode when I mentioned that Portland was a place where there was whimsical with the furrow brow, it was Portland minus the whimsical. It was just dudes in overalls, not afraid to stare at you with a very furrow brow.

Amena Brown:

Nah. We had to be like, all right, here's what we going to get our food and take it back to the hotel. Big yikes. Other things that I want to talk about is one of the things that makes a gig the worst is when you were asked to do something that you thought was going to be really cool, and then the plan gets changed at the last minute.

Matt:

The old switcheroo.

Amena Brown:

That's a good... thank you for using that phrasing.

Matt:

The old switcheroo.

Amena Brown:

The old switcheroo. As an artist, that's a rough one. Some of this now, looking back on it is business lessons. These gigs we about to tell y'all about are reasons I had to learn, don't just say you're going to do a particular gig blanketly in the contract. Have some things in the contract to protect you that says you have to approve all creative changes before they're made, or make the contract say what you're going to do when you get there, so that way they can't change it.

But say at that time, our contracts would say things like, Amena and Matt, when we were performing together, it might say, "Amena and Matt are going to perform for 90 minutes over the duration of the event." Well, that gave them whatever they wanted to do with that 90 minutes, which means they could ask us to do the wackest things in the world.

Matt:

Indeed.

Amena Brown:

And we didn't have any way outside of the deciding we weren't going to do the gig at all as any thing that we could do to speak up for ourselves, pretty much. So two of our worst, at undisclosed locations. One of them was... the funny thing is, again with the camps. Gosh.

Matt:

See, here's the thing with camps, that you kind of brought up earlier, is that you get to a camp and over the period of these days, these people become very enamored with you. And so it feels awesome. Everywhere you walk around, they're like, "Yeah." It's like have people cheering, people, "Can I take a picture with you? Will you sign my piece of pizza? Will you sign my elbow?" You just feel like, "Whoa, man. That's right, I am good at what I do. Thank you." So those parts feel like, for that period of time you are it. And then you go back home and you go to Target, then nobody's... but then there's also the other side of it, which is what you're talking about.

Amena Brown:

There's also two different types... this is overgeneralizing of course, y'all, but there really is, almost feels like there's two different types of church camp for kids, for high schoolers in particular. There's sort of your mid budget camp. Which the one we were telling y'all about that was somewhere in the southeast, Kentucky, Tennessee something, this is where a very small nonprofit in that area that is probably being run by a coalition of youth pastors who are in that area, they pool their resources together because they can't afford to organize their own camps individually. So they pool their money together so that they could put on the best camp they can for those kids. But they really got to budget very well to pull the camp off. Which means the churches that are coming there are not these churches with huge budgets, huge resources.

Then there's rich Christian kids camp, and then this is what we're talking about right now. Rich Christian kids camp be on a nice beach. Be in some place where, first of all, the kids can actually wear swimwear. I couldn't even wear swimwear when I was going to youth group events.

Matt:

You better put that t-shirt on.

Amena Brown:

You had to put a t-shirt on. I don't care, if they see nipples out, it's a problem-

Matt:

You said nipple.

Amena Brown:

... for anybody that got nips. All nips need to be covered up. All kneecaps, whatever.

Matt:

Everybody got nipples.

Amena Brown:

Rich kid camp means they can afford to pay you for you to maybe come in one time, instead of mid to low budget camp has to pay you to try to convince you to be there for five days. Rich kid camp got enough money for those kids to be staying not in cabins but in a hotel. Very nice hotels, where they have access to very nice beach. They have money to pay a certain amount of artists that will stay there for the week, and then they have money to pay certain spotlight artists that would come and do their thing for the night.

Matt and I, in these situations, really could do both, but in rich kid camp, they already had their people that was going to be there all week. So we had actually gotten booked to do our show that we had built together at the time. We were really excited about it, because the show was going really well in front of students. And so we were so excited about it. And the way the camp was, we pretty much had a certain amount of weeks in the summer that we were going to have to travel back to that same place once a week for several weeks in the summer. But that meant we pretty much let that be our summer. We couldn't hold or take on certain other gigs during the summer because we had that.

So we find out maybe two weeks before we were supposed to go to the gig that they had decided they didn't want our show anymore. They had decided they didn't want Matt to DJ at all. They had decided they had some readings that they wanted me to read as a narrator for the way that they had changed it. And we had to go to lunch with them. I remember this very clear. We had to go to lunch with them, and it was kind of a weird lunch because we had the option to walk away. But for us at the time, it was a lot of money to walk away from.

Matt:

It was.

Amena Brown:

And by then we're two weeks ahead of the summer. So all of the other camps that we could have booked, maybe the mid-budget camps that we could have booked or other rich Christian kids camps we could have booked, they're already booked at two weeks before the summer is about to start.

Matt:

What you going to do?

Amena Brown:

And to me it sort of felt like they knew we had the option to say no, but they also knew they were putting us in a pickle. They were putting us in a place where, what could we say? So it was sort of like a, sorry, not sorry lunch. Like, "Sorry you might feel a way about this, but if you want to get paid, this is what we're doing." And we had to stick with it. And that was miserable.

Matt:

It was miserable.

Amena Brown:

It was miserable. I have never been that miserable near a beach, several times a summer, than I was that summer.

Matt:

That was a long drive, every single time.

Amena Brown:

Y'all.

Matt:

And it's not like what they got out of you was like, "Oh, yeah. That worked." Because sometimes you can have creative differences with someone.

Amena Brown:

Sure, sure.

Matt:

Sometimes you can have an idea of what's going... and with both of us, even now, whenever someone brings one or the other or both of us into a situation, we realize we're working inside of a lot of moving pieces. There's a lot of moving pieces, a lot of people. And so there are a lot of conversations that we're not a part of. So there may be something that has been, this has been whittled down, whittled down, whittled down. And you may not see the full picture, but if you trust us and go with it. So we really try to get in and go with the flow.

Amena Brown:

That's true.

Matt:

Because we're working with larger structures that have a lot of moving parts. So I get it. But in a lot of these instances where they start toying with what you do or what I do, it's not like they ever get the best version of us. In this case, it turned out to be like really, they could have got anybody to do that thing. And for us it wasn't fulfilling. We didn't enjoy it.

And for us, also a thing that I've learned about being a performance artist, is that when you say yes to something, you are saying yes to somebody else seeing you do that something and have to do it again. Well, if you're that miserable doing the thing, probably shouldn't do it that one time, because if so, somebody's going to be like, "Oh, will you come do this?" And now you've built a career of doing something that you hate doing, or you didn't spend the time doing. I'm kind of preaching to myself right now, honestly. Oh, man.

Amena Brown:

Right. Yo. It's interesting us talking through this now, because it's like when you look back on it, Matt and I have been having a lot of conversations around the term artist versus the term content creator. And I think what that miserable summer really showed me is how when we were in church space, and this is very true of church space as an industry, it can also be true of corporate space too, what I'm about to say, but we experienced it very particularly in church space. There was sort of this idea that art couldn't be important for art's sake. That it had to be a vehicle to carry something else. So it couldn't be that the art could be there because it's fun or because it would bring people enjoyment or bring them joy or put a smile on their... that couldn't be the point.

Especially you're in a religious setting, so the point is, we have a big message we're trying to get across. So it doesn't matter if your vehicle is a go-kart, a tow truck, we have a big old message that we want to put on that. And that always has to be the point. And for those who are religious, that point is important. But I think here is the part where it got tricky for a lot of artists in that space, is you were really venturing more into becoming a content creator than being able to be an artist. Because you couldn't then just make stuff because you had a question you wanted to explore, or because that felt interesting to you, or because that made you laugh. You always had to be a bit furrow browed in order to make art over there.

And so that was one instance where we had created something that we thought was really artful and beautiful, but it was fun. And truthfully, it told the message they wanted to tell in an amazing way, but they went back to what was the safe zone. And they didn't give us any leeway to work with them as artists. They put us in the place of feeling like we were just works for hire. We couldn't be collaborators. We couldn't be people that they could trust as professionals. We just had to be people that want to do whatever they said we should do. And so that was a long summer of both of us having to realize, first of all, we want to be artists. We want to be artists who have the opportunity to explore ideas because they deserve to be explored.

Matt:

Tell stories.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. And if there ends up being... I think the thing probably where we both are now in our art is if there ends up being, air quotes, a message there, it's for the reader or the listener or the watcher to discern that. It's not for me as the creator to say, "And the whole message of why I tap danced, is because people need to know feet are important."

Matt:

You flipped the picture over and it was Jesus' face the whole time.

Amena Brown:

It's like, just dance. Let the person who's there as the audience take from it. Trust the audience to take from it what they should.

Matt:

Yeah. That is an interesting dance in humanity, because how many times was someone unsure about it, but they went ahead and booked us, let us do our thing. Or even for you, I've seen it with you as a poet, where they're like, "I'm not sure," and they bring you in to their corporate setting to do a presentation, to tell your stories. Because they're like, is it a motivational talk, or want to kind of get you into this idea. But when they really allow you to get up there and do your thing, every single time, I've watched it time and time again, whether it's the two of us, whether it's just you, whether it's me by myself, they come back and they go, "Wow, I get it now. I see it now. Oh, wow." And the crowd loves it.

It's a win for everybody because something authentic happened in that room. Stories were told. People got what they got from it because they showed up carrying what they showed up carrying. We didn't make sure, and all the pieces of the... and I get it. When you're working on a team and you're putting an event together, and you have now gotten all the way down to your hashtag and the color of your logo, and you've gotten down to everything. The theme of this thing is water. And then so as a DJ, how many songs about water do you have?

Well, people probably aren't going to walk away being like, "Man, that guy sure played a lot of water songs. That is awesome." People walk away, "Man, I felt good. Oh, that was great." So it is almost like when people don't put their hands in it too much, they actually get the better end of the deal. They actually get a better artist, a better you, a better me. And that's one less thing for them to have to really think about. Because if they bring you in, if they bring me in, if somebody brings me in, my job is that you don't have to stand there and watch me and make sure. I'm going to show up. I'm going to be set up on time.

Amena Brown:

Right. And be professional. Yeah.

Matt:

Yeah. I'm going to do all these things, and I'm one less thing that you have to worry. You can sit back and know, that thing you brought me in to do, that's covered.

Amena Brown:

I think Matt and I are both... people who work with us would say we are both great collaborators. And I think that's a strength of ours in the sense that we can go into a lot of situations, which is a lot of what happened in church world in particular, you're going into these situations. The event has a theme, like you were saying, they want you to fit into that. They've got a particular moment they're trying to create. And we can be good collaborators with people, but sometimes that doesn't work to your benefit as an artist in a certain way, because we also both know artists who would walk in and be like, "This is my shit that I do, and this is all I'm doing. So if you wanted that or this or some other idea, then book somebody else. But this is me, this is what I do and let me do my shit," kind of thing.

And I would look at artists and be like, damn, I wonder if that makes you not so easy to work with? But sometimes it was like we made ourselves so easy to work with, but then on the other hand, we didn't get the respect of the fact that we are very much professionals at what we're doing, and that you should trust us to come in and do what we do. And if you wanted something else, book someone else. So I think for each artist, the answer is somewhere there in the middle. But I feel like both Matt and I had to learn after these experiences, I feel like we both had to learn how to collaborate with the people who want to be good collaborators, and how on the other hand to say, "This is what I do. So if that's what you want, then book me. But if you want somebody that you can control or that you can wield in whatever way, I'm just not your person." And that's okay. Maybe there's somebody else that does that type of thing. So lots of lessons to learn from terrible gigs, y'all.

Matt:

And I'll say also that if you are an artist listening, or a maker, you make something, there is a good that you sell that is you. Whether it's you doing something, you making something, you performing something. Get somebody in your life that is a good friend that will help you build some better practices. Because I'm talking about this morning, Amena was like, "Do not send that text talk. Talk it out with me. Do not reply to that email. Talk it out with me. Tell me this, why were you about to say that?" Because when you're an artist or you make something, you're an entrepreneur, you live and eat from what you do. And someone comes to you, you go, "Oh, you'll pay me money to do this? I would be happy to do this."

And then also if you came up broke, there's something inside of you... there's something inside of me that's like, if I don't say yes to you and I don't make it as easy as possible for you to bring me in and do it for as cheap as possible, you might move on and find somebody cheaper, find somebody easier to work with, somebody that will say yes to whatever you're offering, and then I may go without. And I know that's not true. In the end, I've lived long enough to be like, that's not true. But you have to find somebody in your life that will be there with you. I got lucky. I married in.

Amena Brown:

Me too.

Matt:

Because Mena been making sure I had some business practices. When she first met me, I was doing everything for free.

Amena Brown:

That's true. That's true. And I was like, we got to put a stop to that. But then the other thing is, you as an artist, you will jump into what you do because it's fun to you.

Matt:

Love it.

Amena Brown:

Some of what you do when you're making music, sometimes you make music just because you want to play in it. You want to experiment with it. You want to see what it is. And so I think we give back and forth to each other that way, because I've had to learn in a lot of these hard situations how to think like a business woman. But sometimes I have to remind myself when we are creating to be like, hey, it's okay to also play and experiment with your art and make stuff just because. So that's us being in a partnership that way works so great.

And that's why artists should be in community with other people. So you can have other people to say to you, "You're worth more than that." So you can have people to say to you, "How they treated you at that event is trash. Do not go to another event. Update your contract, so your contract don't put you in situations like that. Don't work with those people on your team if they going to book you for things like that."

So artists, be a community and do not accept trash treatment. And if you book artists, try. I know it's scary to you if you're used to doing the same thing at your event, but try to let the artist do what they do. You would not go in an OR and stand there behind the surgeon and be like, "Now, now this is just me thinking about it, I'm not a surgeon, but this is me thinking about it. I wouldn't cut it right there. I wouldn't cut it right there, just me thinking about it." But you do it to poets and musicians and visual artists. You do it to us all the time. Stop it. Let us do what we do. We're great at it.

Matt:

Right.

Amena Brown:

See y'all next time. HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 113

Amena Brown:

That time I met India Arie. That time I went on a really bad date. That time I was directed by Robert Townsend. That time I got mono on Thanksgiving. That time I went on a really bad Christmas tour. That time I...

Hey, y'all, welcome back to another new episode of HER with Amena Brown. We are at the time of this recording really getting deep into our summer streets. I don't know what summer is like wherever you live, but pretty much in Atlanta, I feel that Memorial Day weekend is the beginning of summer. That that is the time. And I love summer. I'm here for all the summer things, especially for the peaches, tomatoes, and cucumbers. Here for that. Okay? Okay.

What are we talking about today? Today, we are talking about the club. So much to talk about related to the club and specifically we are talking about that time I went to the club for the first time. Even as I think about telling y'all this story, I feel like, because I was a late bloomer, because I was a sheltered church girl, there are a lot of firsts that I had. If I did... I'm not going to do it because that's too much personal business out at once. I like telling y'all my business. I just like to sprinkle it throughout. If I did a whole series of all of my weird and wild firsts, nah, that's like too much business in one set of things. So we just going to focus on this little sprinkle right here.

But if you are a listener to this podcast on a regular basis, then you will feel the vibes of where this is headed. If you're here for the first time, thank you. Thank you for joining me as I tell you about the first time I went to the club. When you think about it, how old were you your first time going to the club? I'm pretty sure, I'm pretty sure that I was 25 years old. I actually said that to a friend recently, and she was like, "So nothing in college? You did not go to the club in college?"

Y'all, I did not, I did not go to the club in college. Those of you who have joined me here in our HER living room know some of the vibes of my story. I was a church girl growing up. I came from a church going family. So there were a lot of things that as I was growing up, I was taught weren't Christian, and going to the club was one of them, honey. The club was considered to be this den of sin, of lasciviousness, of debauchery that Jesus need to save you from. Jesus really need to save you from the club.

So I want y'all to know that coming from a family that has a lot of roots in Pentecostal Holiness Church, for those of you that are church familiar, but if you're not, the Christian Church in America has these different denominations and facets and different beliefs under there. Which I'm sure is true of a lot of religions, that there are the more orthodox, there are the more conservative, there are the more liberal or lenient as it relates to the rules of the religion. And the part that my parents and grandparents came out of was considered to be very conservative, very religious.

When my mom and my dad were growing up, teenagers were... not teenagers, but just anybody really, you weren't allowed to go to the movies. That was considered to be not Christian. You weren't supposed to be listening to, big air quotes here, "secular music" that was considered to be not Christian. It was considered to be not Christian for women to wear makeup at all. It was considered not Christian for women to wear pants at all, not just in church, but at all. Right?

So that was sort of the environment that my family came from. So I also did not really come from a lot of family members that you know how you'd have certain Black families may have those family members that were in the juke joint. That was not the story for a good portion of my family members that were ahead of me. And then by the time my mom and I started going back to church, when I was a teenager, the church we went to was non-denominational, but it still had a lot of Pentecostal Holiness vibes.

And a part of one of the tenets of belief or what it should look like to be Christian if you grew up Pentecostal Holiness was this idea that the definition of something being holy is that it's different from everything else. That it's separated from everything else. Not just different, but separated from everything else, that that's how a thing is holy. So a lot of people who grew up in this type of Christian tradition, you were growing up in a way that said, "That's how people know you're Christian.", They know you're Christian because you don't do the things they do. You don't cuss. You don't go to the club. You don't drink. You don't smoke. You don't listen to secular music. You don't do those things. And that's how people will know.

You don't drink. You don't smoke. You don't have sex. I'm just going to leave that there. You don't do these things, and that is how people will know that you are Christian. As an aside, I would say now in my relationship to my faith, it's like I want to think about the things that I'm for more than the things that I'm against as the definition of what I believe. And I also want to think about who I am and what I'm really about and not just think about how what I do appears. I think that's also a part of it. Even though I don't think the adults would've articulated that to us when we were teenagers, growing up in youth group. But I do think a part of it was how you appeared, even down to the drinking.

So to give you a little bit of history as to why I did not go to a club until I was 25 years old. Growing up in this type of church, and then when I moved to Atlanta to go to college, I immediately got involved in campus ministry, got involved in a church there in Atlanta. So I really kind of insulated myself again. I feel like my church upbringing sheltered me from a lot when I was in high school. And then I came to college and sort of insulated myself again in sort of church environment.

And it's really interesting because I've now been out of college long enough that, let me see, I've had now four college reunions. So each time we have a reunion, our class was pretty big, so there are some women that I went to college with that I'm almost either meeting for the first time, or we saw each other's faces, we really didn't know each other's names or connect. And there are so many stories that we all had from school that bonded us.

And one of the things that was really interesting about Atlanta in the late '90s is there were a lot of clubs in sort of the midtown town, downtown, Buckhead area. A lot of these areas in the city are very, very different now than they were then. But there were all these clubs, and they knew that Spelman's campus, you could not bring a car on campus your first year. So they knew there were a bunch of us first year students just getting away from home for the first time, a lot of us. And they would send these big old buses, like charter buses, that would come to the front gates of Spelman, and you could get on the bus and it would take you to the club and back. These clubs that were available for 18 and up.

And did I get on the bus ever? I did not. But I knew about the business, because I had other friends that I went to college with that that's how they met their best friends in school was them getting on a bus to go to some club together. But y'all, I wasn't doing that because I was in campus ministry and you can't get up for 7:00 AM prayer if you go to the club that night. You just can't do that. So I didn't go to the club all through college. And then I graduated, and I was done with campus ministry at that point. So I started helping out with our college ministry at church. So I spent pretty much all my time doing that.

And then some shitty things went down at the church. And I've talked about this in some other episodes. In the friendship series I did, I actually brought one of my really good friends from college, Celita, onto this podcast. And we talked a lot about what some of those times were like for us being in church, what were the times where we realized we were going to have to get out of church pretty immediately. And during this time some shitty things went down at the church that caused me to have to make a decision to leave the church where I had been going.

And this was a predominantly Black church. I would say mostly young. I would say what for us felt like the people who were older were people who were in their late 30s or early 40s. But I would say most people, they were probably in their 20s, early 30s. And I left the church at 25. And what a wild thing, because I was spending probably four to five days out of the week at church.

I was there Sunday. I had rehearsals there Tuesday and Thursday. We had bible study on Wednesday. We had a prayer service on Saturday, sometimes, and then some Saturdays we would have volunteer meetings. It was a lot of my spare time. I mean if you think about working a job and then doing all of that, I didn't really have any friends that I didn't go to church with. And even the friends I went to church with, we kind of had to figure out when we were going to spend time together, because we were all at church so much.

So those first few months of just not having church to go to, I was like, "Wow, this is what people do on Sundays. They walk their dogs. They drink coffee. They eat brunch. Wow." It was great. I was like, "Man." Having grown up in church and being very sheltered in it, for better or for worse, I was never a rebellious kid. So I pretty much stayed in the bubble that was built for me. And staying in that bubble, there's a lot of shit talking about people who don't go to church. There's a lot of shit talking about them, and, "Those people, they must not have morals," all the things they're missing out on because they don't go to church.

But boy, when you yourself are so entrenched in church and then you have a time that you get to experience what life is not going to church, it's great. Oh, my... Woo. It's great, y'all. Wow. I was having a time. And I had always had some interest in journalism. I had started just very early doing some writing for a couple of publications in Atlanta. And back then in order to try and be a music journalist, or an arts and entertainment journalist, your entry point was album reviews.

So I started out writing a few album reviews, and then that led to live show reviews. Some of the editors, if they liked your album reviews, then after a while they would say, "Hey, here's a press pass, go to this show and cover it." And that's when I realized that being a music journalist was going to be my favorite thing, like, yo, I knew I was going to love it so much. So it was because of my journalism work that I was doing on the side, because I was working as a receptionist during the day and being a writer the rest of the time.

And it was interesting because that sort of led me down this road of getting a chance to meet these different bands. And I met this band and they just became wonderful new friends of mine. They were brothers to me. And so I saw them at a festival and they invited me to another show they did. So I went out there and saw them. And we just became very cool. This was really during a time... That time between 25 and 27 was this big broadening of my whole life. I was actually hanging out with people who didn't go to church with me. I was just hanging out with people that didn't go to church, a lot of them.

So it was just a whole life that I was getting to experience and meeting different people and going to different social functions. And some of it would get a little uncomfortable. Like I didn't grow up being told that Christians were allowed to drink, for example. The church I grew up in, that was not a thing. We did not have gatherings where people were drinking wine. We didn't even serve wine during communion. That just wasn't a thing that happened. And then in the church I was in when I was in my college age and early 20s, the rule was if you were in a leadership position in the church, whether that was paid staff or volunteer, that you were not allowed to drink publicly. Or if you had other people at your house that went to the church or anything like that, you couldn't drink, in case you would cause anyone to stumble.

And on a level, that can make sense. But on another level it gets a little weird as far as just it being so much or at least it felt at the time, I'll say, it felt at the time that rule was very much concerned with how people appear. It's like now I can look back on it and think, related to when you're in community with people that are sober, being thoughtful about those things, but we weren't really being given those reasons for the rule. The rule was pretty much for you to not appear as if you were drinking. So I didn't even have my first drink until I was 27. That's a whole other time. Maybe I'll come back and do another episode about that.

But anyhow, this is me laying the groundwork for y'all of on the one hand, how sheltered I was. But on the other hand, how much of broadening my horizons period I was in at this point.

So my friends were in this band. I wish I could remember the name y'all, but I can't remember. So my friends were in this band and their manager, I became really good friends with them, and they kept in inviting me to this show that they were having. And all I could hear them saying was, "Yeah, we're about to do this show next week at this club. You should come, Amena. You should come." And I just kept hearing them say, "Show, club." And I was like, "Yikes."

And let me tell you what was in my mind about what I thought the club was like. I just had in my mind the club is a den of sin. It is a place of lasciviousness and debauchery and lust filled actions. Nothing good could come from the club, as far as what I had been taught about it. And for those of you who are Prince fans, Prince had an era where I think it was the same album where he released Diamonds and Pearls, and he had a song called Get Off. And the video to Get Off is what would really be in my mind about what a club must be like. There must be people there with tattoos, who are partially clothed, and it looks like an orgy except people aren't having sex, they're just kind of talking to each other in these sensual ways. I think that's what I thought the club was like.

So my friends are inviting me to there, and I'm just nervous as hell. But they genuinely want me to come there and support them. And I genuinely loved their music and wanted to support them. So by this time, when I left the church that I had been going to in college and into my early 20s, that church was a predominantly Black church. And then I had a period of time where I just didn't go to church at all. And then I went a while and kind of felt like maybe I do want to go back to church. And I knew a church in the area that was a pretty big church. I think that's honestly what drew me to it, because I was looking for someplace where I could be a little bit more anonymous. Where there wouldn't be a lot of expectations on me at first, I could just kind of come there and check the vibes.

And so I went to this church and it was a predominantly white church. Obviously, the music wasn't as great as the music I was used to from the Black churches that I had been in. But the services were an hour long, and I could kind of go in and get that inspiration or challenge from the sermon. I still had a lot of church woundedness from a lot of the things that had gone on at the church I had been a part of for so long. So sometimes I would just go to church and just cry, sit in one of the back rows and cry a while and go home.

And then they had this element in the church called small groups. And for those of you who aren't familiar with this, a church small group is basically if a bible study and a support group were the same thing. That's pretty much what it's like. It's a group of people that either you could be assigned to based on where you live, sometimes they were assigned by location, sometimes they were assigned by what they would call affinity groups. So there could be small groups for married couples. There could be small groups for single women, single men, or men and women regardless of their relationship status.

And at the time I joined a group that was all single women. I was the only Black woman and there were probably maybe six or seven, because the small groups normally didn't get beyond 10 people. So there were probably six or seven white women. We were all in a group together. And I pretty much decided I think this is going to be church for me. I stopped going to the Sunday service, but whenever we had our small group meetings, I did go to those. And it was pretty much like, yeah, you might be doing a bible study or you might be reading a spiritual book together, or you might be talking through maybe what the sermon series was about.

But the other part of the meeting was you actually getting a chance to share about your life with those people. And that's the part that I really, really loved the most. You got to really not only get to know other people but be a support to them. Sometimes they may have had a loss in their family during that time, or they may have gone through a breakup or they may get a promotion or they may be looking for a job and you're being able to be supportive to them, spiritually supportive and emotionally supportive during those times. And also to receive that.

I loved that. That really was the one thing that caused me to return to church in any way. Now here's the other thing. I told y'all that I grew up just at least slight Pentecostal. I told y'all where I was about the drinking things. Well, this group was just not as rigid, I guess, as the religion that I had been raised with. I remember one particular night I was out with a couple of girls that were in small group with me. I think we were going to see a play or something together and they were like, "Oh, Amena meet us at this restaurant. We'll meet up for happy hour, and we'll eat some food before we go over to the show." So I was like, "Okay."

And y'all, I'm not even sure I understood what in the world happy hour was honestly, because it's not like I had really been to bars and things like that. I was that sheltered. I was that steeped in church being my extracurricular activity for so many years. So I really didn't pay attention to the happy hour part. I was just like, "Yeah, after work I'll meet y'all over there, we'll go to the show." So by the time I get to them at the restaurant, these two girls have decided to buy a pitcher of margaritas and they're already halfway through the pitcher.

So they are two sheets to the wind a little bit. They're having a good time, very giggly, everyone's having a lot of fun. And I remember sitting down and feeling like, eh, eh, eh, feeling some alarm is going off inside of me. I had probably never been that close to a pitcher of margaritas. I was just like, "Oh, I don't know what to do about this." And then my mind was kind of freaking out a little bit because I'm like, I actually really have grown to love these girls. We've gotten close to each other, and we're walking through our lives together. And I know them to be kind people. I know them to... If truly the definition of someone being Christian is to actually exhibit the traits of Jesus to try to walk in the way in life that Jesus walked, metaphorically here, they exhibited those traits.

I knew that about them. So I think the binary that I was raised with that was very, Christians don't do these things, and then people who aren't Christians do these things. And then meeting people who were Christian and did the things that I was told and taught that Christians don't do those things. It was sort of a weird, my brain almost was fractured a little bit in the conversation. But even though I was too scared to take a drink, they were like, "Do you want some Amena?" And I was like, "No, no thank you. Just water for me. That's fine." I did decide to share with them my dilemma and I told them about these new friends I had met, this band, that we were just really great friends, and they had wanted me to come and support their shows at this club.

And they had invited me several times and I had just dodged it, always was busy or had something else going. But the truth is I was afraid to go to it because it was in a club. And one of the women turned to me and said, "Okay." She said, "Can you think of anything in your life or in your past that would cause you to have more struggle in your life by you going into this club?" And I was like, "No." And she was like, "Do you believe that God is everywhere? That anywhere you are, God is with you?" And I was like, "Yes, I believe that." And she was like, "So you believe God is with you here with us right now?" And I was like, "I do." She was like, "Do you believe that God could be with you in the club?"

And I was like, "Whoa. Hmm." I was like, "Hmm." And then I was like, ah, she got me, because I'm like, well, if God is with me here, talking to y'all, if I think that God is with me when I go to work, if I think God's with me when I'm on a date, why would God not be with me when I go to the club? And she was like, "If you believe that God will be with you everywhere and nothing about this type of event or space is going to be a struggle for you or bring any struggles for you that are unhealthy for you," then she was like, "then God will be with you." And she was like, "And if you really feel nervous, you could grab a friend and bring a friend. But go support your friends that have invited you to check out their music." And she was like, "You can try it."

And she said, "If you get there and you hate it, then you don't ever have to go back." She was like, "But you might go there and find out that it's not as scary as you think." So I took her advice. I asked a guy friend of mine to come with me to the club. And the club was a club in Atlanta that I'll tell y'all more about now, but it was called MJQ. And y'all, they invited me to a Tuesday night at the club. I didn't know enough about the club to know that Tuesday night is not going to be nobody in the club. That a Tuesday is different from a Friday or a Saturday. Bless my heart, didn't know about that.

So I went, and no, it was not like the set of a Prince video. There was not these huge amounts of debauchery and lasciviousness, it was just my friends, and maybe there were seven other people plus me and my guy friend. And my friends in the band were so excited to see me. We hugged and they were just so glad that I had finally come out to the show. And that was my first time in the club.

Now I did get a chance to discover MJQ. And MJQ is, it's a historical moment to me in Atlanta's nightlife scene. And actually as of this recording, in 2023, MJQ will spend its last year in the space where it has been for probably over 20 years. And at the time that I was first, I guess, experiencing the club, experiencing going to the club for the first time, Atlanta's clubs were more places that you would wear your high heels, you would wear a skin tight, very sexy outfit, and they would hold the club line outside, so that the club could look like people really wanted to get in. And then you'd go in and get your drink and you would dance a little bit, but not a whole lot. You really went there to be seen, because it was the club and it was Atlanta and that's what you do.

But MJQ was not like that. MJQ was a club that you would wear your dirty sneakers to. You would dress real comfortable, because you went to MJQ to dance. I mean they had some of the best DJs in the city that were there. Big shout out to DRES tha BEATnik, who used to be an event host over there, one of the best event MCs you'll ever see. And he MCed an event over there called Fantastic Fridays. And it was him, DJ Lord, DJ Fudge, and DJ Majestik. And I found out about this because I was hanging out with some other friends, I think, one Friday night, I think we were out pretty late, and they were like, "Oh, since we're already out, why don't we go get some food and let's go to MJQ?"

And MJQ, when you walk up to, it looks like a shack. It looks like you walked up to a metal shack and you get your ID checked, pay your money, and then you walk down, underground, and you get down there and there's this long bar, DJ booth, and people were just in there dancing the night away. And you would go in there and the DJs would start spinning, like 11 o'clock, and you wouldn't leave till it was like 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning. I had so many nights like that in my 20s and early 30s too. And one of the things that I really loved about it was I could just go there and be me. I remember some nights I didn't even go with my friends, I would just go by myself. I'd wear my tank top and my shorts, my dirty sneakers, and go and just dance and sing and rap the words and everything.

And it was a really beautiful moment for me, because I think, when, at least I'll say for me, growing up in church and especially being very sheltered and growing up in church, there were a lot of things I was told about "the world." And it was supposed to be like in the church are all these good things, all these good people. In the world is where all of this bad shit is happening. And even just the experience of being in MJQ and that, there were all sorts of people there, different walks of life, different jobs, different occupations, and we could all be there just having a good time together. And that that was a wonderful communal experience to get to have. And it was wonderful.

I mean was there beer sloshed all over the floor by the time 3:00 AM came? Sure. That's why you wore your dirty sneakers. You would never wear your fresh sneaks into MJQ. No. No. But I saw DJ Spinderella there over the years. I saw Questlove DJ there. I think I saw Questlove DJ there twice. Oh, it was just... I mean, MJQ is still going to exist, it's just going to exist in a different space in Atlanta now. So we all have to see what that will feel like versus what this original location has felt like.

But, yeah, that was my first time in the club, Tuesday night, empty room. But it led me to MJQ, which is still to this day probably my favorite of all the clubs that I've ever been to in Atlanta. And what do I love about the club? I mean, generally, there might be some clubs that are like Prince's music videos, I'm sure there are. I haven't been to those yet. If I do and I feel like coming back here to tell my business to y'all, I will let y'all know how that is. So I don't know about that. I'm sure there are clubs like that, but the club overall wasn't this terrible place.

It was a place where I had a lot of fun, where I got a chance to just dance and hear some music I love. And go there with somebody that you like and dance and sing and rap the words along. Go there by yourself and look across the room at a stranger, and say words to this song you love. There's just something about that that I totally fell in love with. And so I am glad I was able to get over my hangups about the club. Because if you go to the right one, it depends on what your purpose is, what your reasons are.

Now I know now a lot of clubs are more of like a VIP experience and it's who's buying bottles? And it's all those things. But I've never really cared about that as it relates to going to the club. I never enjoyed going to the club to dress up and be uncomfortable. When I go to a club, when I go to hear a DJ, I'm going because I want to dance and I want to rap real loud, and I want to sing and do all of those things that make the club amazing.

So shout out to the club, yo. I got to give a shout out to that. I arrived late, but I did indeed enjoy my time. And I feel like the club for me really became this extension of how much I love live music. And even though when you're in the club, no one is there with instruments, there's typically not a band, necessarily, performing, but the DJs are creating this live music experience that you can't have anywhere else.

So if you haven't been to the club, you should go. But you should go to one where there's a really dope DJ. Get some reviews before you go. You should go to the type of club where you could actually dance and hear your music that you like and really enjoy yourself. You should go to that. And you should have that experience where you get to look around the room and see all these people singing in that same song and just enjoying life. I feel like that brings me a lot of joy.

So yes, I went to the club for the first time, and I did survive. And lasciviousness and debauchery and lust did not, indeed, overtake me. I'm still here. So you should go to a club. If you don't want to go to a club, you should go to at least one good dance party, where you can hear some music you love, you can dance. And just experience that moment of being free in yourself. I think that's a part of what I can look back on in that time I went to the club for the first time, is it was the beginning of me getting free of not feeling so entrenched with religious expectations, but just being who I am.

And this is my last thought, and I may talk more about this on some other episodes, but I was talking to some other new friends about the idea of growing up in a very religious environment, and then when you get older and some of the things about the way you were raised or the way you were raised to believe become different. And how sometimes things happen in life that sort of shatter those things you believed. And sometimes for some people those things don't return, you may decide you just don't believe at all the way that you were raised to believe or the way your family might believe.

And for me, I find that I'm in what I feel is a mosaic period of my spirituality, where I can say I'm still very much the girl who loves gospel music. I loved gospel music as a teenager. I love the harmonies and the writing and how some of those hymns carried my mother, my grandmother, my great-grandmother through. And that brings extra gravitas to that music to me. And I'm also a girl who really loves to be on the dance floor of a club or a party somewhere and hear the DJ drop that Juvenile that for the '99 and the 2000, and it's possible to be both things.

And it took me some years to learn that, because I wasn't raised to think that way. I was raised to be like, you got to be one or the other. And to bring Beyonce's Renaissance into the chat, it's possible to be that church girl who loves playing her tambourine and loves singing John P Kee songs, and to also really enjoy when the DJ plays Scrub the Ground. And that's me, that's who I'm going to be. Thank y'all so much for listening. See y'all next week.

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions, as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network, in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 112

Amena:

Everybody. Ooh you all. Welcome back to a new episode of HER with Amena Brown. I hope you are in some ways getting into a little bit of a summer vibe as you are listening to this episode because we are here in the living room with a guest. And I am so excited to welcome writer, journalist, culture and arts critic, co-host of the hit NPR podcast, Pop Culture Happy Hour, and author of Wannabe: Reckonings with the Pop Culture That Shapes Me. Welcome Aisha Harris.

Aisha:

Hi Amena. Thanks so much for having me.

Amena:

I'm here clapping for us because in my mind, Aisha, even though as you know when we are podcasting, we're recording for an audience of zero that's present with us while we record.

Aisha:

Yes, yes, yes.

Amena:

So I am always imagining there are at least 30 people here with me live, even though it's just us here. So I had to clap for myself and the other 29 of us that are here live.

Aisha:

I appreciate it. I love it. Got to get that energy going.

Amena:

That's it. That's it. So glad to have you on the podcast, so many things I want to dig into. But I wanted to start with something that's very important, which is snacks. So a part of the premise of the HER with Amena Brown living room comes from this idea that when my girlfriends come over, especially if they're very close to me, sometimes the conversation gets to a point where it's like, this is not for a coffee shop, this is not for a restaurant. We need to really be in each other's house so we can fully talk our things.

And sometimes depending on one's busyness or one's financial availabilities, there's sort of an ad hoc snack situation. There's like, "Girl, I got three and a half bell peppers, I'm about to bring over there." And I'm like, I got three-fourths of this hummus that I started a little bit. And we just bring our little snacks together. So I want to know, when you get together with your friends, when you're in this living room situation, what is your snack that you would see yourself bringing to the living room?

Aisha:

I'm going to sound a bit like an alcoholic, but probably the alcohol.

Amena:

I respect this.

Aisha:

I have an abundance of alcohol in my apartment right now. My partner subscribes to a monthly wine club and he kept forgetting to put it on pause because we don't drink that much wine. These are cases of wine. And I'm just like, where are we going to put this? We live in a townhouse. We don't have a wine cellar or anything. It makes for a very good party favor. I'm now in my thirties, so dinner parties and all that are the things that are my friends and I are doing. And so instead of having to be like, "Oh, what should I bring?" I'm just like, grab a bottle of wine. I don't even know if it's good, but that's what we're bringing. So wine usually, or some sort of beer, cocktail mix.

Amena:

I feel that this is a correct choice. This feels like the right thing to do. I mean, my first, what I felt was my first grown birthday gift. I think I was like 24, 25, and this man bought me a bottle of wine for my birthday. And I was like an adult. I'm officially grown now. Was it a bottle of Yellowtail? Sure. Does that matter at this moment? No, it was that bottle that really mattered. I feel like you just, in most situations you going to win. It feels very sophisticated bringing a bottle of wine.

Aisha:

Absolutely. Yellowtail in your twenties is totally, totally fine. But even in your thirties, just do what you got to do. If you like it, you like it. That's how I feel.

Amena:

I feel if you like it enough to drink it, you'll do that. If not, it goes great in a spaghetti sauce. It's like there's always going to be a use somewhere-

Aisha:

Yeah, cup of wine.

Amena:

... for that bottle of wine. So I give a shout-out to that. I also want to know, do you have a favorite writing snack when you were writing your book? Or generally when you're writing, do you have a snack or some set of snacks that you're like, this is what I have to have for my writing process?

Aisha:

No, actually. I'm not really a snacker, or at least not in that way. I tend to snack when I am watching something or reading. But actually just when I'm writing, snack is just one more thing. Trying to eat while writing is just one more thing that's going to distract me. And I'm already a very huge procrastinator. So adding in, trying to actually feed myself at the same time, it just doesn't work.

So I usually have a tea with me or some sort of beverage of some sort. I'm not going to lie. I will sometimes also have a glass of wine or something to get the brain a little lubricated and loose and not all hung up in my thoughts as I can be when I'm completely sober. But yeah, I'm not really a snacker while working. Yeah, can't say that I am.

Amena:

I feel you on the use of snacks as procrastination because I like to ask other writers this because that's definitely a thing for me of like, oh man, I sat down to write, but I feel like I probably need some brownies. I probably need to bake those brownies from scratch. I probably need to bake two batches so I can give some, just anything to not sit there.

Aisha:

Yes. You know how I know that it's gotten really bad. It's when I decide, oh, I think I'll just clean right now instead of write.

Amena:

Yeah. Because I'm like, in what other world would I worry about a baseboard? Never.

Aisha:

No, never.

Amena:

I don't care. Except when I stare at the cursor and I'm like, anything's better than this. Anything's better than this.

Aisha:

Let me get that grout in my bathtub.

Amena:

Let's see what the tile's doing. Anything, but write, please, please.

Okay, I also want to ask you when you were approaching what is now Wannabe, how did the idea of the book arrive to you? And I'm always curious about this when I'm talking to other authors. Because for those of us, and this was me once and is many future book authors where they are on the other side of that. I've always dreamed to write a book or I hear a lot of people telling me to write a book, but not always knowing what is the actual process. So how did Wannabe as an idea arrive to you?

Aisha:

Yeah, I was kind of in a similar boat where for a few years I had editors and agents approaching me as, "You should write a book." They'd seen my work in Slate or the New York Times, which was where I was previously. And I met with some agents and I talked about that. And I never really came upon the right idea.

It took me a while. At first I thought, oh, is there some movie that has been ignored or something where I can bring it to the surface in a new way and heavy interview style sort of history digging. One of my favorite authors and one of my favorite books, and I don't read too many books more than once, but one that I have read many, many or several times is Mark Harris's Pictures at a Revolution. First of all, no relation to him, but I do respect him.

And that book is basically a history of the 1967-68 Academy Awards. And it covers the five best picture nominees. And he does this great job of putting together a thesis around how this was where Hollywood was dividing between the classic Hollywood, the studio style Hollywood and the new Hollywood, which was the Scorsese years and those sorts of things. And it's really, really fascinating. It's deeply reported and deeply researched.

And at first I thought, oh, I want to do something similar to that, but I couldn't find the right subject. And who knows, maybe somewhere down the line, the right subject will come along where it's a little bit more nerdier. Not that my book isn't nerdy, it's very nerdy, but nerdy in a different way. And so ultimately just before the pandemic, I had another editor reach out to me, Daniela, who is great. And she said, "Have thought about writing a book?" I'm like, "Yes, I have, but I haven't stumbled upon the right thing." And she put me in touch with an agent.

And my agent, Aaliyah, also wonderful, really kind of helped me figure out, okay, here are things you could do. What kind of themes or what kind of format do you keep coming back to when you think about yourself writing a book? And I said to myself, "Well, so much of my work is about writing in essay form, critical essays, reviews, that sort of thing. Maybe I should just do that." And I decided, I wanted to talk about, make it personal, deeply personal, but also critical and kind of assessing how pop culture has had such a huge influence on me. Yes, that is what I do in my professional life, but it's also very much just always been a part of my life since I came out of the womb.

And I wanted to make something that people, especially millennials who are my age and who grew up in the 1980's and the 1990's, they can relate to. But I think also there are plenty of themes within this story that so many people can understand and relate to regardless of their background.

And when I say talk about the fatigue of the franchisification of everything in Hollywood and how everything needs a spinoff and how everything needs a gritty reboot or a prequel. And I think that for me it's important to sort of acknowledge that even if you are not like me and you're not a pop culture reporter, an arts reporter or whatever, we are all affected by it. And I was hoping that people would get a sense of how we can maybe change our relationship to how these things affect us. Or just think about how these things make us respond to ourselves and also to each other, especially on social media.

It's just like, it's really interesting to think about how we are in this weird moment where there's more things to consume than ever before. Things are at our fingertips. Movies, TV shows, you can find pretty much the most niche interests or fetishes or whatever. You can find some version of it somewhere.

And how does that affect us and how does that make us do things that we maybe should do or say things that we maybe shouldn't? Or how does that make us feel bad about ourselves? Or those sorts of things. So it really kind of evolved out of my desire to both share a little bit more of myself and my upbringing and where I've come from, but also look at where we are now on a larger scale in terms of the culture and how we talk about these things.

Amena:

I really loved that you chose pop culture as the lens for your book. It made it really interesting to me because it kind of felt like it had these concentric circles almost. That at the center is your life, your story, your experiences, and then in part the pop culture that you experienced and how that shaped you. And then even this wider lens of, and even if you're not me, here are the other ways these things affected many of us. So I loved just getting to get that lens inside of a book this way. That was such a great lens that you chose.

I also really identified with the chapter about your name. I too have a name that comes from a very interesting origin and is also considered to be a Muslim name because of the language that it ... Well, it's in many languages because it's derivative of Amen. But I go all sorts of places and people have various feelings. They have various different feelings.

And you're like, it's just my name. I'm just growing up as a person. But now I'm here trying to get some copies made and apparently the employee there is like, "That's a Muslim name." And I'm like, "Yes, okay. Mm-hmm. All right, sure." They're like, "That's the way we say Amen in my country." "Yes. Okay. Mm-hmm."

So I really identified with just the beauty of the Stevie Wonder story that you told of the actual origin of how you became Aisha. And the ever present song and pop culture phenomena of Another Bad Creation also singing this. Could you give us some thoughts about what was it like to write that? I thought it was a wonderful introduction to you in the book. Talk to us more about that.

Aisha:

Yeah, that was the very first essay that I wrote, and it was the one I actually included in my proposal to my editor to land the deal. And to be honest, it was one of those things where I thought about what my name has meant and how people have reacted to it over the years. And even now I'm still dealing with it in the sense that I've realized that this is just a hunch I have, but Uber and Lyft, when I'm trying to get them, a lot of times they will cancel on me and I wonder if it's because of my name.

I have a photo of my dog, that there, but now I'm wondering if my name is also a concern. And then the ones who usually do pick me up tend to be Muslim or people who have Arabic names that sound like mine. So anyway, so I'm still in this weird push and pull with that sort of thing, but I still love my name.

But basically what the chapter is about is that I had sort of these two songs that were connected to my name one in a way that I liked, and that's Stevie Wonder's Isn't She Lovely? And in that song, this is of course on Songs of the Key of Life, and he wrote it for his daughter whose name is Aisha. It's not one of his most famous songs, but it is on one of his most famous albums. And I think people know the song, but if you're not listening to the lyrics closely, the lyrics where he mentions her name could just glide run over you. No one's really thinking, oh, that's the song where he calls her Aisha.

And then I came of age at a time when Another Bad Creation who were what I like to call the New Edition babies. They were kind of a spinoff of New Edition, and they ranged in age from eight to 12 years old. There were five or six of them, and they were kind of the boy group who had a hit song. It was a top 10 hit, Billboard hit back in 1991 or '92, I can't remember. And it's called Iesha.

Anyone who's my age or a little bit older, it still happens to me to this day where they might, if I meet them for the first time, they'll be like, "Have you heard this song?"

Amena:

You're like mm-hmm.

Aisha:

I'm like, "I know which song you're talking." Well, actually sometimes it's that song and other times it's a French song. It's kind of by I think a Middle Eastern performer and it's called Aisha, and it's just kind of like "Aisha, Aisha." It's either that song or that song.

Amena:

Wow.

Aisha:

I didn't put that part in the book. But there are other songs. No one thinks of the Stevie Wonder one.

But yeah, I kind of went on a journey with how I reconciled the two of Aisha, Another Bad Creation being... I don't know, it's not the most embarrassing song. It's not like I'm named Roxanne and then I have that song hanging over my head. But Aisha was also one of those things where it's just like, ugh, I wish people knew that there were other songs that have my name in it.

So it was kind of a journey. And where that journey leads me is to realizing how so much of my resistance to Another Bad Creation was built in just like self-hatred to some point, or just not feeling comfortable about being a Black person. Especially a Black person who grew up going to school with mostly white kids and then having to deal with everything that comes with that. And what your name signifies and how I felt as though, oh, my name is kind of "ghetto." That's not a term that I use anymore. But back in the 1990's and the early 2000's, that was everywhere, especially among white suburban kids.

For me, it felt like a great sort of introduction to where I was going with this piece, which is shining a light on this. I think something that a lot of people have had experiences with, which is just the name that you're born with and not feeling comfortable with it. And then the myths that we tell ourselves, the cultural myths that we tell ourselves more broadly. So yeah, it was quite interesting to go on that journey. My dad, who was featured heavily in this first essay helped me out a bit with some of my memory of things, but he appreciated it, I think.

Amena:

Yeah, yeah, no, I love that. I really identified with that section of the book so much. Not even now that I think about it as much related to my name, but my face. By the time I got to be in my twenties, I would always at that time be confused with Cousin Pam. Or people would walk up all the time and be like, "You know who you look like? You look like-" It depended on their age if they would say Cousin Pam from the Cosby Show or if they would say Maxine from Living Single.

And I went through a long period of my twenties that I was just like, "I'm myself! I am not Maxine! I'm not Cousin Pam!" And then I would get annoyed how many Uber and Lyft cars I would get in and it would be the, "You know who you look like? You remember that show?" And I know where it's going, but I'm like, I'm not going to help you. I'm not going to, you think of this. I feel like I had to just have a little come together meeting with myself and be like, okay, first of all, being accused of looking like Erika Alexander, girl actually could be a great thought for you.

Aisha:

Yes, the great and good Erika Alexandra, yes.

Amena:

It's not a bad vibe for you, but I don't know why it just really got under my skin. I don't know if it felt this sense of you feel like now you can't just be who you are because now that has to be the introduction conversation. It just took me so long of just finally being like, "Okay girl. If you look like..." Well, of course now they would say, "You look like Erika Alexander." They wouldn't say Cousin Pam or Maxine either.

Aisha:

Can I ask you, were these mostly Black people doing this?

Amena:

Yes. They were mostly Black people. Yes.

Aisha:

Because I don't know how many not Black people were familiar. Well, they might have been familiar with the Cosby Show, but maybe not Living Single. But I can understand that frustration because for me, when people were coming at me and singing Another Bad Creation at me, it was a mixture. I had a 40 plus year old Asian dude who knew this song.

I guess because it was a top 10 hit in the 1990's. And I think it's, especially in that era, white kids and white people were getting into hip hop more. But it's tough because it does feel like people are unintentionally telling you your identity and when really you're just, I just want to be me.

That's the other thing is that what I hope to lay out in the book is that so much of how we relate to each other is through pop culture.

Amena:

Right.

Aisha:

It's sports and it's pop culture. Those are the things where you can reasonably be able to carry on a complete conversation with a stranger at a bar about and not know anything else about them. But, "Oh, I overheard you're talking about Succession," blah, blah, blah. I think that they're just trying to relate to you in some way. And even if it's annoying, it's like that's human nature to some extent.

Amena:

Right, right. Okay. I want to ask another favorites question here, and this is about, in a way, it's about what will become throwback concerts. And this came up because a friend and I were at a concert recently. We were kind of looking around and being like, okay. I mean, I feel like the definition of auntie is a thing I would like other people to discuss with me sometimes of I didn't think I was going to be an auntie at this age. That feels like it's coming down for us, younger and younger, all those things.

But we were like, what will it be like? What will our throwback concert be when we're in our sixties? My friend asked me this, and I remember my last college Homecoming watching the women who graduated college in the 1970's and '80's, it was Brick House for them. When Brick House came on, they were like, it's all the Shake It, everything. And I remember my friends and I in that moment looking at each other and going, "Is that going to be Juvenile for us? Is that us in our-"

Aisha:

That's already happening.

Amena:

Is that us now? We're going to be for the '99 and the 2000? So when you think of yourself in true Auntie season Aisha, what are the songs or artists you imagine yourself still shaking it to or what's the concert you could see yourself going to at that point?

Aisha:

Okay, so I feel like the way that nostalgia happens happens even faster these days. So I think we're already in that era for concerts. I mean, what is Usher's Lovers and Friends tour but a complete throwback to my era? Usher's a decade older than me, but he crosses multiple generations at this point.

And when Confessions was out, I was a junior, senior in high school. So I think it's already happening. There's this party that I loved going to back when I lived on the East coast, it happened pretty often, a few times a year. And they've toured around the country and it's called Grits and Biscuits, and it's like all just southern hip hop. It started over a decade ago, and then it turned into this huge thing. But one show I went to, they had Juvenile show up and he did Back that Azz Up, thing up. I don't know if I can curse on here.

Amena:

Yes. We curse all the time, yes.

Aisha:

And it was magical. So that is what I've been shaking still. I still love going to those things. I'm also, I'm seeing Janet again this summer, which I'm very excited for. Now, granted, like her heyday, well, no, because again, she's also covered. I mean, the first time I saw her was the All for You tour with my mom, which I shout out to my mom for taking 13-year-old me to see All for You. May or may not have been that appropriate to see, but it's fine.

Yeah, so that would be my answer. Probably any kind of southern hip hop. If Brittany and Christina were to tour together, which I doubt will ever happen, and I want Brittany to just be healthy and happy. It doesn't sound like she wants to tour, but that would be another one where I'd be like, yeah, I'm going to be there. Yes.

Amena:

I like these choices. I told my friend, I said, I feel we might be 15 to 20 years away from this Destiny's Child reunion tour. Either them in their sixties or me in my sixties. That's my Rolling Stones I feel. I feel like them tickets come out-

Aisha:

Seriously.

Amena:

... I don't care how old I am, I'm going to be like, "We getting them tickets right now." I'm going to go there and lose my breath and everything else.

Aisha:

I'm just waiting. I want that to happen so badly. The only time I saw Destiny's Child was when they opened for TLC on their Fan Mail tour. And this was literally two months before they did the whole lineup change. So it was the original four Destiny's Child.

Amena:

Whoa.

Aisha:

Yes. Yep. Like Writings on the Wall had just come out a few weeks earlier. And then of course everything changed very quickly behind the scenes.

Amena:

So many things, things changed, bless their hearts.

Aisha:

But I would love to see the legendary lineup, the most lasting lineup in concert.

Amena:

Yeah. I would pay good money. I will pay good money for that.

Okay. I want to talk TV. I want to know, when you think about your young self, could your young self have imagined that watching television would actually be a part of your job, Aisha?

Aisha:

I think about this very often. How I'm just like, all those hours I spent in front of the TV as a kid paid off. And no, I would not have imagined it. I don't think I would've imagined it even 15, 20 years ago when I was in coll- ... Well, I'm not that old, but when I was in college, I don't think I would've imagined that.

I thought I was going to be a Broadway performer or at least doing regional theater somewhere. And I did do that for a very, very hot second after I graduated. I do have a degree in theater. But it's so weird to me to think about how I've been able to parlay this into a career. And I consider myself very lucky to be able to do so and write about movies and all these things. These are the things that I love to do.

And I realize that a lot of people, especially in journalism, are not able to do that, or at least not do it to the extent that I am. And media is crumbling before our eyes, so who knows what my future holds. But for now, I'm feeling good and thankful, and I just want our profession to be better. Just even following these writer strikes. It's very disheartening and frustrating to see that people who make the things that we love can't get paid what they're worth.

Amena:

Right.

Aisha:

Yeah. I definitely, I didn't pursue theater in part because I didn't want to be a starving artist. Granted, being in media, it's not like I'm rolling in dough and I'm still paying off my student loans and probably will be until I'm 50 or 60 or until Biden finally does the right thing and just let's us all-

Amena:

Sets us all free from that. Right, right.

Aisha:

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But yes, very lucky. Very thankful.

Amena:

I really loved about your book, just getting to read you and know more about you as a person, but getting to read you even deeper as a journalist, writer, as a critic. And even getting to read you writing about why critics are important to what we're doing and some of the sticky conversations that people in your profession end up in. I really appreciated getting to hear some of that lens from you.

I had a mentor once in my other life when I was writing more music journalism, and he would say, "Study the culture." He would say, "If there's a thing I would tell you study, study that." And I think in reading this book, it was so wonderful to read someone very studied on pop culture.

On what you like and what you enjoyed, but also on the greater ramifications of the TV we're watching, of the films or don't like. Of the film and TV we feel we should like even if we don't like it. So I want to ask you a couple of TV things. I want to know, do you have a favorite TV guilty pleasure or not so guilty pleasure?

Aisha:

Well, so we've actually done an episode on Pop Culture Happy Hour about this before. But I love the court TV shows. So Judge Judy, even though I recognize that she's very problematic for various reasons, including just being very pro-police sometimes where it doesn't necessarily warrant that, at least from my outside perspective. And also Judge Milian on People's Court. I love that show.

In my earlier years, I definitely dabbled in the other court shows like Judge Mathis and those sort of things. But I prefer my Judy and my Judge Milian. So yeah, it's definitely a guilty pleasure of mine. I don't know too many people my age who watch that stuff.

The thing is, I started watching Judge Judy when I was a kid because my Nana, my great-grandmother who we call Nana, when she would come over and stay with us during the day, she would have Judge Judy on. And so I got into Judge Judy. And now I got to say she's the one who more or less introduced it to me. And I love her. She's no longer with us, but yeah, that was something she imparted on me.

That, and she always had Murder, She Wrote and Matlock on in the background. And I just started watching Murder, She wrote in earnest. Because I knew it was in the ether, but I am now watching it on whatever streaming, I think it's on Peacock. So I'm going through it now and I'm like, "Oh my God, I love this." And I can understand why my Nana loved it too.

Because it's got a formula. You get in, you get out. You've got all these old classic Hollywood actors who are now in their later years and they just pop up. I'm like, "Oh, look. There's that Hollywood performer from whatever movie that I've seen." So anyway, to answer your question again, Judge Judy, Judge Milian, guilty pleasure.

Amena:

I respect this as a choice. I want to thank you for bringing Murder, She Wrote into the chat. My grandmother's show back in the day was The People's Court with Judge Wapner, and actually it had a really banging theme song. I still remember that ba, da, bum. It had a very nice-

Aisha:

They're still doing that theme song.

Amena:

That theme song. Yes. That theme song did some things. Yes, the percussion. I was like, you all really put some layers into this. I like that.

I also appreciated you even bringing Murder, She Wrote into your book when you were talking about, you had a chapter on, I'm sure I'm not going to say the name of the chapter correctly. But you had a chapter on just the expectations of procreation on women. And you talked about this character in Murder, She Wrote and how we are just watching her live her fancy free life until somebody gets murdered, and now she got to stop her wonderful child free life and get over here and try to figure out who murdered this person. I just appreciated those little Easter eggs throughout the book.

Aisha:

Yes. Jessica Fletcher was one of our few representations of especially an older woman who did not have kids and seemed to be really happy about it or just no hangups about it. She had plenty of nieces and nephews who would always come on the show. And then sometimes they would be somehow and involved with a murder or whatever. But she was literally an auntie. She was just like, "I don't have kids. I'm living my life." I'm sure this joke has been made so many times, but I often wonder at what point did she start going places and just wonder, "Okay, so who's going to get murdered at this new place that I visited?"

Amena:

Everywhere she went. She on vacation, she going shopping, somebody is murdered.

Aisha:

Yes.

Amena:

Now that you have taken this book idea from conception to now at the listening of this, your book will be out. What has been your favorite thing about working on this book that you can think of?

Aisha:

Oh, I'm such a tortured writer.

Amena:

Same.

Aisha:

I find it so tedious and stressful and anxious. I do think being done with it is probably my favorite part. But that's the thing is it's not just unique to this book, although this is by far the greatest undertaking on a single project that I've had to do, and it's taken me the longest time. This is two-ish years out of my life, and some of that was during the pandemic. So add on all those stressors of what was happening at the very beginning of the pandemic. It was a lot, but I'm just generally speaking, even if I only have to write an 800 word review, it stresses me out to no end. But why I keep doing it and why I keep coming back to it is because I like the feeling of accomplishment once it's done. And I enjoy actually the editing process as well.

I like being able to work with an editor to sort of refine things or to make things clear. Or sometimes just completely ditch a whole idea and be like, this isn't working, and just being afraid to kill your darlings. But yeah, I think it's just nice to have it out in the world and know that people, the small feedback I've gotten so far from people who were not at all associated with the book, I think has been really heartening. And it makes me realize why I wrote the book in the first place. Yeah, it's been a journey.

Amena:

I love that. And I very much identify with you saying the part about being done with it. Yes. Book writing be hard out here. It be hard. It's like it's beautiful when you can get to the end of it and say that you finished it, but all of them things leading up, it be hard. When I finished my first book, my husband was like, "You finished! Let's go celebrate." I literally sat down at the kitchen table and was like. Like just started crying. I can't even tell you why I was crying. I just like, "I'm sorry I can't do the brownies because I really need to sit here and cry for a few minutes."

It is hard. So I'm just really shout out to you, Aisha, for doing something that is as difficult as writing in general and now writing this book. And I really hope that you take all the opportunities to celebrate yourself because you deserve it.

Aisha:

Yes. I've mostly just been relaxing a lot more, which is not usually my mood anyway. I'm a very kind of naturally anxious person, which I'm trying to work on. But I didn't take any book leave from my NPR job. I took a day or two here and there, but I didn't take an extensive book leave. And so I was working all day and then trying to gear myself up to write at night. And I don't recommend it. Zero out of 10 stars. Would not do again.

Amena:

Do not visit that restaurant.

Aisha:

Yeah. But I also, I needed to keep making money.

Amena:

Right, right, right. For sure. Okay, last question for you. And then I want everyone to get all the information they can about how to follow you and how to make sure they can buy this book, buy lots of them.

Aisha:

Yes.

Amena:

So my last question is when the reader, if they have a physical copy, gets to the end, they close this book, if they have their e-copy, they've swiped through the pages, they've gotten to the end of this book. What do you hope readers feel or gain from having read your book?

Aisha:

I hope they feel a little bit smarter. A little bit more I can go to this party or hang out with these people and then have some talking points to bring to them. And I also hope they've had a chance to laugh a little bit and really think about the things that they love when it comes to pop culture and what their own relationship is to it.

And I don't know if that type of person to be very hostile on social media is going to read this book. But if you think that might be you and you do read it, maybe you'll come away and say, "Maybe I don't need to get upset when a critic says that they don't like this piece of pop culture that I really like." I quote him, and I'm going to paraphrase this, but I mentioned a moment from the Kenny G documentary. Where he's explaining in part. And this is why I respect this man, because the whole point of the documentary is sort of wrestles with how this bestselling musician is also one of the most critically reviled artists. And he's very aware of this and he explains it.

"People will say, I like this, don't you? And then that person says, no, I don't like this. You do?" And he basically says, "It hurts you. It makes you feel like it's personal." And I want people to take away, yes, it is personal, but it also doesn't have to be all the time. And we can like the things that we like to a degree, I mean, I'm not advocating for certain things that might actually physically hurt or just cause harm or in any way. I'm not playing the devil's advocate here. I'm just saying, you don't need to take everything so personally. And I think it would be, we'll all just feel better about that. If I say something about Marvel, I don't need people getting really upset with me about it.

Amena:

Two things can be true. You could love that and this other person just doesn't. And that's okay.

Aisha:

Exactly. It's okay.

Amena:

It's okay. That's what we're trying to say.

Aisha:

They can co-exist.

Amena:

Where can the people follow you and where can the people buy five copies of this book? And listeners, this is why I'm saying five copies. Number one, buying five copies supports an author. Okay, number two, you got your copy, you got four more to give away. You got four more in case somebody comes to the house and they're like, "Oh, I always wanted to read her book." Now you don't have to give away your copy because you bought five of them. You can just be like, "Here you go." It's a constant gift. It keeps on giving. So where can the people buy five copies of Aisha Harris's, Wannabe: Reckonings with the Pop Culture that Shapes Me? And where can the people follow? Tell us everything.

Aisha:

Oh my goodness. That's such a great, yes, I love it. Encourage the five copies. So of course I want to say support your local bookstore. I'm not sure when this is dropping, but if you pre-order it from Marcus Bookstore, which is in my current place of dwelling in Oakland, California. It is the oldest black-owned independent bookstore in the country. And if you pre-order it from them, they will ship it to you wherever you are, and it will come signed by me. So that's an option. But also your local bookseller, go to them, request it. And of course, Amazon. I did an audiobook for you.

Amena:

Okay. Okay.

Aisha:

I recorded the book, which is interesting because like recording audio, reading a book for audio is very different from writing for audio. But you'll get to hear me do my best impression of Dave Chappelle. So if you want to get the audio book, you can do that. And Amazon and all the other, Barnes and Noble, all those other places.

And then you can follow me at, I'm still on Twitter for the foreseeable feature. We'll see.

Amena:

It's a bad time.

Aisha:

The ship is still hobbling along, so you can find me on Twitter @CraftingMyStyle. And on Instagram if you want to see both me promoting my book, but also cute photos of my dogs @AHA88. So that's A-H-A, the number 88. And yeah, that's where I am these days.

I'm a little too old to be on TikTok, so you won't find me there. But yeah, that's it. Oh, and of course on NPR doing all the culturey things and Pop Culture Happy Hour. I'm not on every episode, but we've got four co-hosts and it's a great time. And if you're ever looking for that movie, TV show, book, album that you are excited about or want to hear us discuss, we're trying to cover a lot of things. So we cover Marvel. We do. I'm not usually on those episodes, but we do. And we cover a lot of things. So that's where you can find me.

Amena:

Love it. You all make sure I go to there. All of these things will also be in the show notes you all at amenabrown.com/herwithamena.

Aisha, thank you for sharing your story and your life with us in this book. Thank you for giving us intelligent things to say at dinner parties and at other sundry networking events. Thank you for giving us this wonderful lens on pop culture, how it motivates us, how it upsets us, how it changes us, how it inspires us. Just appreciate your work so much. Thanks for joining us.

Aisha:

Well thank you. And thank you for creating this sort of space for authors like myself to talk about the things that we love and our writing. I really appreciate it.

Amena:

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast network and partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 111

Amena Brown:

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another new episode of HER with Amena Brown, and it is a Road Stories episode. That means my husband, who is usually the producer that you all don't get to hear from, you get to hear from him. Matt is here.

Matt Owen:

(singing)

Amena Brown:

Matt's here in the living room with us and-

Matt Owen:

(singing)

Amena Brown:

... Matt's always here to bring a snack or to eat a snack.

Matt Owen:

Show me.

Amena Brown:

And I don't remember if I ever asked you that when we first started doing Road Stories. Because normally, I ask a guest if they were going to hang out in the living room with their friends and they were asked to bring a snack, what snack would they bring? What would be your snack that you would bring?

Matt Owen:

See, the problem is normally when you ask that question, you asking, a lady. And you can't say all, but mostly ladies are pretty thoughtful to people. I represent the other set of the population, a dude, and I'm not a mindless dude.

Amena Brown:

That's true.

Matt Owen:

But us dudes, we're going to do what is the easiest thing. So I'm probably bringing some Doritos.

Amena Brown:

Okay, that's not a bad choice though.

Matt Owen:

A jar of something to dip that Dorito in, maybe.

Amena Brown:

What's the flavor of Dorito that you would really pick? Or is it just whatever is the first one?

Matt Owen:

Well, I was told that Cool Ranch is my favorite.

Amena Brown:

Please. You all, the way that Matt is hating on me in this episode, you all.

Matt Owen:

It's a good chip.

Amena Brown:

Okay. First of all, this is a respectable snack choice-

Matt Owen:

It is.

Amena Brown:

... to bring a bag of Doritos to a gathering of friends and to bring some element of dip, which I feel would probably be of a cheesy sort of nature. That's respectable. But also listeners, I just want you all to know which I feel I may have referenced in a previous episode that we released for our anniversary one or two years ago. I will try to make sure we get that in the show notes. That is a shout-out to the show notes that if we're ever here talking about something and you're like, "Oh, a link. Wait, I can't remember," you don't have to remember because you can go to amenabrown.com/herwithamena. The links are right there. I'm going to try to link to the actual episode where Matt and I tell our story of how we had got together. But a part of that story was me asking Matt to build a show with me in the studio and I didn't have money to pay him. And for some reason, I had in my head that he would be a Cool Ranch Doritos person.

Matt Owen:

Maybe you thought I was a cool type of dude and cool people eat Cool Ranch.

Amena Brown:

Oh, maybe so. I also feel generationally Doritos is premium snack like when we were kids.

Matt Owen:

Oh, yeah.

Amena Brown:

And if you were having a lunch made for you by your parents and your parents went and got the little mini bags of chips, bless their hearts if they got the variety bag because I was never really a Fritos girl. And the plain Lay's also could kick rocks for me as a kid. But them Doritos, the regular, Original-

Matt Owen:

Nacho Cheese, baby.

Amena Brown:

... and the Cool Ranch, if you open up your lunchbox and that's what you had, immediately it must be that your parents love you more than the rest of those kids.

Matt Owen:

Yeah, you felt cool because also that meant that your parents probably just went to the store. So that means your family doing all right. It's like you showing up in a Starter jacket or something. You got a Starter jacket in your lunchbox because everybody knows you go to your friend's house and their mom ain't been to the store in a minute. Mom, Dad, whoever ain't been to the store in a minute. And all you saw was a bunch of Frito, them little Frito bags. You know, "Oh, okay. We're getting the leftovers today."

Amena Brown:

Yes, that makes life hard. I hated that variety bag because when it came time to eat them Fritos, this another thing. And I don't know because the kids that we have in our lives, I haven't really asked a lot of lunchtime questions of them. And then things have changed so I don't know if kids is still getting their lunches made or if they just eating there at school. I don't know. But I'm going to tell you right now, I want to give a shout-out to Gen X for learning negotiation skills very early in life. Because if you had a bag of chips in your lunch that you hate, you had to really try to-

Matt Owen:

Trade.

Amena Brown:

... convince some other kid. Now hopefully, I remember having some other friends or other people I went to school with, they love a Frito bag so they would be happy to trade me that for they... Now for Fritos, you're not going to get Gushers because that's not equal negotiation tactic.

Matt Owen:

Mm-hmm, not. It's not.

Amena Brown:

It's not an equal trade. So I don't know if you're getting a Welch's Fruit Snack which is still a good thing, but it's not. Or if you're getting a apple sauce. But I would rather have a apple sauce than eat Fritos for me.

Matt Owen:

What was the sour one bit into it?

Amena Brown:

That wasn't a Gusher too?

Matt Owen:

That was a Gusher, yeah. But those-

Amena Brown:

Gusher had a sour... They had a sour-

Matt Owen:

Yeah, a sour one.

Amena Brown:

They had a sour one, yeah. So shout-out to a Gen X because you had to really learn how to do the best with what you had or learn how to trade up.

Matt Owen:

We've been navigating things like that, talking about a recession.

Amena Brown:

Yo.

Matt Owen:

When you show up with a Frito bag, you knew you was in a recession and you had to figure it out.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, you had to do work out a trade. But it turns out some people like Fritos.

Matt Owen:

Although if anybody from Fritos is listening, mm mm mm. I would love a bag right now.

Amena Brown:

Well, at least the Fritos, first of all, Frito is a Lay brand and Lay's has other wonderful chips. So I can appreciate the brand of Lay's without having a rock for them Frito chips. Now, the only time them Frito chips came in good is somebody at the football games of our high school team would cut the bag, the Frito bag. Would you mind to go there?

Matt Owen:

That's what I'm talking about, yeah boy.

Amena Brown:

They would cut the bag and then they would dump a little chili and a little cheese in that hole. Or they would dump the Fritos bag out and put it in that little paper, paper little bowl-

Matt Owen:

You doing it, you doing it.

Amena Brown:

... that you would get.

Matt Owen:

You doing it.

Amena Brown:

... the high school thing. They would dump that in.

Matt Owen:

Let them in your bowl.

Amena Brown:

And that's really a different type of nacho situation.

Matt Owen:

Some people call it a walking taco. I've heard it called where you put different chives, different herbs, stuff on top.

Amena Brown:

My, my.

Matt Owen:

And that's a shout-out to being in our forties now. You know what I mean? We know how to take what maybe at one time might not have been the chosen chip bag that was in there.

Amena Brown:

Come on, the chosen chip.

Matt Owen:

Aha.

Amena Brown:

Blow my mind.

Matt Owen:

And then you put a little cheese melted on there. Cheese on just about anything, it's going to work.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, it does.

Matt Owen:

But let's talk about adding chili.

Amena Brown:

The chili is really what sets that.

Matt Owen:

Or adding some chorizo. We was at a restaurant the other night and somehow another day, we got a side of chorizo with some cheese.

Amena Brown:

And add it into the queso, my god.

Matt Owen:

Add it into the queso.

Amena Brown:

This is we were talking about miracles, people.

Matt Owen:

Praise.

Amena Brown:

These are-

Matt Owen:

I'm doing your mom's praise hand.

Amena Brown:

... miraculous thing. Yes, that's definitely you want to do the praise hand with the 90 degree angle at the elbow or the praise doesn't arrive to God. I don't make the rules, guys.

Matt Owen:

Bless it.

Amena Brown:

I don't make the rules. Okay, so thank you Matt for sharing your snack, which albeit an easy snack is respectable. And we thank you for bringing that into the living room.

Matt Owen:

And that is a thing though. I would say that your other guests, because I edit your podcast. And of course I'm interested in what you do so I listen. I'm a big fan. Wow, everybody subscribe right now. But you got people on here when you ask them, they're like, "I make this deluxe salad from scratch. I'm putting things together." And some people are baking things, some people in the oven. And I'm like, "Man."

Amena Brown:

We've had some very high-level deli meats as well for some charcuterie. There's some high-level charcuterie among-

Matt Owen:

That's what I'm talking about.

Amena Brown:

... with Amena Brown guests. Some high-level prosciutto is out here.

Matt Owen:

You get some dudes together, first of all getting dudes that actually get together and say, here's what we usually say, "Yeah man, let's get together sometime." And I know you be rolling your eyes because we ain't never going to get together. Ain't nobody going to put nothing on. But by the time we finally get, it's probably a big game or something like that on, somebody going to bring a six-pack of beer and somebody going to bring a bag of chips, and somebody going to bring a jar or something to dip it in, and that's about it. But we make it work.

Amena Brown:

I do want to give you a little more credit than you're giving yourself because when we have gone to some co-ed gatherings for a game, the people trust you to bring the wings.

Matt Owen:

That's true, that's true.

Amena Brown:

Because they know that you are a chicken connoisseur, particularly a fried chicken connoisseur. If there was a sommelier for fried chicken, that would be you. So we have had some gatherings where I was like, "Hey, what should we bring?" And they'd be like, "Oh, it's Matt coming with you?" And I'd be like, "Yeah." They'd be like, "All right, you all bringing the wings then."

Matt Owen:

Yeah. If you going to be good at something, chicken's a good thing to be good at.

Amena Brown:

It's a good thing to know. So shout-out to that.

Matt Owen:

Now granted, that's the snack that I bring if I'm going somewhere. Now, my go-to snack for myself is different because I can't quite figure out how to bring this snack somewhere. But one of my favorite snacks to make late at night when I come home from DJing and I'm trying not to eat a thousand plus calories like I once did, I ain't getting no younger, trying to change it up, so I get a little bit of sourdough bread. Now, we doing the multi-grain sourdough.

Amena Brown:

Right.

Matt Owen:

Because being in our forties. So I toast it, put some crunchy peanut butter on it, slice up a banana. Shout to your Dekalb Farmers Market.

Amena Brown:

Come on, you're Dekalbing?

Matt Owen:

Them bananas, them organic bananas taste different.

Amena Brown:

Oh, taste so fresh. They're so fresh.

Matt Owen:

Wherever you all getting them things from, I don't want to know what's happening. Man, they taste amazing. So you put them on top. And first of all, that right there, my favorite snack. Now, if you need to go into overtime, you need a little bonus, take a little bit of one of them dark chocolate bars we got. You take a couple squares of that and put that on top. You go.

Amena Brown:

See, I have never seen that. So that is a thing that you have been doing when I have not been around.

Matt Owen:

Uh-huh.

Amena Brown:

But it does sound delicious. I thought you were going to say you drizzled some honey on that hoe, but you didn't.

Matt Owen:

Ooh, that's a good idea too.

Amena Brown:

Oh, okay.

Matt Owen:

See, my normal routine is when I'm packing up from the gig and I'm heading to the car, I text, I say, I hold my watch because Siri listens.

Amena Brown:

She do be nosy. She do be nosy.

Matt Owen:

I'm like, "Siri, text my wife, 'Headed to the car.'" If I don't hear back from you, I know you sleep. I'm like, "Oh, it's peanut butter time."

Amena Brown:

You know it's your time.

Matt Owen:

"It's peanut butter banana on time. It's peanut butter banana time. And we got a chocolate bar."

Amena Brown:

This is good to know because I knew what you were doing. I knew the bread. I knew the banana and the peanut butter. I knew those parts. The chocolate add, that makes a lot of sense now. So I'm happy to know that this is what you're doing. This is also a very respectable snack. I can't think really in my mind now what... And I guess I should be there. There would be certain things someone would say that I would be like, "Hmm." I feel like anyone's snack, I would try to respect because snacks are relative and everyone has various sundry tastes and likes. But there would be some things that I'd be like, "Ooh, I don't know." If somebody was like, "Oh, I go to the gathering and I just bring a bag of saltines," I'd be like...

Matt Owen:

Snacks, music, and movies.

Amena Brown:

I don't know. I would be like, "Saltines?"

Matt Owen:

You are what you like.

Amena Brown:

"Do you..." Because the thing is the difference between a snack you enjoy versus what you bring to share with other people, that says a big thing about you. Because it's like I might enjoy something that I know other people think is whack, and I'm just going to eat it at my house. But if I bring something that I know most people going to think is whack to share, that to me is where you're not being a good living room guest. So we always bring snacks to the living room here. You all let us know what you think are the snacks that do not deserve to be brought to gatherings. That's important.

Since we are also here to talk about food, this is the third in our... We are still in our Road Stories series. We have a few more episodes to share about that, but this is the last of our food episodes regarding Road Stories. And we have two important locations to cover. We need to circle back to Portland. We have discussed Portland on this podcast regarding the great shopping that we have experienced there. We have discussed very slightly this is a coffee city. So let's talk about what we have enjoyed in our time that we traveled to Portland. What was the food like that we loved?

Matt Owen:

I got to say my favorite thing in Portland is the food truck scene. And I can't even tell you the name of any of those food trucks, and it's quite possible none of those food trucks are still there. They might have cycled in and out and become something else, but it's one of those type of cities. Austin already also has the same thing. Chicago, similar in a part of it. But you could go to a place, and I remember there's somebody that all they make is grilled cheese.

Amena Brown:

Oh, yes.

Matt Owen:

Different variations of grilled cheese sandwiches. And I've been eating a grilled cheese sandwich my whole life. I didn't know you could do different variations, but boy was I wrong. Them people grilled that cheese. And whatever they did to it, they did it. I remember there was some sort of a Japanese dish that the lady only made one thing and there was nothing else. I don't remember what it was called. But anyways, it was delicious. Everything I had from a food truck over there, I'd be like, "How you do that in the truck? How you do that back there? What you doing?"

Amena Brown:

Right.

Matt Owen:

But sometimes, you just don't want to know because it's delicious. But Portland had that food truck scene.

Amena Brown:

I have to say you brought up a good point about Portland because Portland, this is not a disrespectful statement. For those of you that are Portlandians, Portlanders. I don't know what the official term for those of you that live up in there or are from there. But Portland, when you're a visitor, gives off when people said the word hipster, they really meant that it originated there in Portland.

Matt Owen:

I think it did.

Amena Brown:

But the thing about Portland though is I feel like Portland, go ahead and just don't be ashamed of the fact that it's a very hipster-y town. And I think a lot of the hipster vibes show up in the food truck scene and those things, the very particular items that people decided to build their food truck empire from. And I have to say in any other city I would be like, "Ugh." When I'm in Portland I'm like, "Yes, let's have waffle fries in as many different ways as a waffle fry can be made. A waffle fry dessert? Sure, let's have a waffle food truck that has savory and sweet and breakfast and not breakfast. Let's do this. Let's do this."

Matt Owen:

Just from an outsider looking in, I'm not from there. I'm from Atlanta. I've been in Atlanta since before my 10th grade year of high school, this home to me. Wherever else I've laid my head for any period of time other than that, this is home. ATL, home been here. So I know how I feel when people say things about Atlanta or presuppositions, whatever, from outside looking in. So I understand that somebody from Portland might hear what I'm about to say and be upset. I'm just saying from an outsider looking in-

Amena Brown:

Oh, boy.

Matt Owen:

... my perspective is that Portland is a blend of whimsical and furrowed brow. Because it's not a whimsical silly place, but you might see a dude riding up the street on a unicycle wearing a monocle with a furrowed brow like, "What you doing here? What you looking at?" I'm looking at the dude on the unicycle wearing a uniglass.

Amena Brown:

It might be the guy on a unicycle with a monocle, but the shirt says, "You all keep killing the trees."

Matt Owen:

Yeah, there you go.

Amena Brown:

I think that's the vibe. That's the Portland vibe for sure, for sure.

Matt Owen:

It's like the, "We ain't holding on to traditional norms, but we are upset about something."

Amena Brown:

I think you've made a great description there. And the people there, I'm not a beer drinker, but people who love beer, they get involved in that in Portland.

Matt Owen:

Some good beer in Portland.

Amena Brown:

I do live with a coffee drinker.

Matt Owen:

Me.

Amena Brown:

And Portland do have the good coffee though.

Matt Owen:

They do.

Amena Brown:

I want to give a shout-out to Stumptown-

Matt Owen:

That one.

Amena Brown:

... Roasters up in there. There's multiple amazing coffee to have in Portland.

Matt Owen:

I think Portland was one of those first places that I walked into a coffee shop and tried to ask for some modification. Because I was still new in the drinking coffee, and so I asked for some modification and back to the furrowed brow.

Amena Brown:

You were shunned?

Matt Owen:

They handed one out.

Amena Brown:

You were shunned?

Matt Owen:

You know what I mean? They let me know, "That ain't cool, bro."

Amena Brown:

You were coffee shunned?

Matt Owen:

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Amena Brown:

That does happen in Portland. That does. I really, my favorite food thing in Portland is Voodoo Doughnuts.

Matt Owen:

I felt like I got roasted.

Amena Brown:

Ooh, burn.

Matt Owen:

Starbucks.

Amena Brown:

My favorite thing is Voodoo Doughnut. I'm at a point of life where the amount of things I will wait in line for is very little. I will no longer wait in line to get in the club. I will no longer wait in line to be shopping on Black Friday. It's just-

Matt Owen:

Nah, I'm not.

Amena Brown:

... things I'm just not going to do.

Matt Owen:

I'm just going to wait and buy it.

Amena Brown:

But in Portland, standing in line for Voodoo Doughnuts, I will do it.

Matt Owen:

We'll do it.

Amena Brown:

And I will have no regrets. That was my first donut with cereal as a topping.

Matt Owen:

See.

Amena Brown:

Fruit Loops.

Matt Owen:

Now back to my point, Poodoo.

Amena Brown:

Huh?

Matt Owen:

Edit. I edit that.

Amena Brown:

It's the one time you get to say it to yourself.

Matt Owen:

Oh, my podcast. I'm, "I'll edit that." I'm going to leave it in. You all laughing. Let's go to commercial.

And we're back. And so my point about Voodoo Doughnuts, about Portland being whimsical yet furrow-browed, Voodoo Doughnuts, you walk in and they're going to have a donut with pink icing with Captain Crunch or whatever cereal stacked high on it with some little kids' toys, but also have skulls all over-

Amena Brown:

That's true.

Matt Owen:

... the wall line, you know what I mean? It looked like a tattoo shop/donut shop. And so it's like "We're whimsical, but don't play with us."

Amena Brown:

It's very, Voodoo Doughnuts definitely gave me... I appreciate you bringing up the word whimsical because it definitely gave me is it whimsy? Is it punk rock? Is it Dia De Los Muertos? We're just-

Matt Owen:

Oh, yeah. Oh, I see.

Amena Brown:

... here in a combination of things. But either way, I accept that combination because those donuts were delicious. And then for me, this ain't no disrespect to the other outposts of Voodoo Doughnuts, but I have had Voodoo Doughnuts in another city and it just ain't the same.

Matt Owen:

It's not the same.

Amena Brown:

It's just not the same.

Matt Owen:

It's not the same.

Amena Brown:

I really like it. If you going to have Voodoo Doughnuts at least you all first time, have it in Portland. Get that pink box.

Matt Owen:

That pink box.

Amena Brown:

Stand in line, do the whole thing.

Matt Owen:

I feel like back in the day when you'd be walking through the mall and you'd see somebody with that, whatever bag of the shop that's the expensive like, "Ooh, they shopped at," whatever. Remember back when everybody's wearing Guess jeans with a little triangle on the pocket and you see somebody with that Guess bag. You're like, "Oh, they all..."

Amena Brown:

Right, wow. The status.

Matt Owen:

I feel like carrying that pink box through the airport. It's like, "Yeah."

Amena Brown:

Oh, for sure. That's definitely a thing that I know we did probably multiple times, is get them donuts and take them back and then everybody at the airport know what you got.

Matt Owen:

Yeah, they know the thing.

Amena Brown:

Which is a little risky on our part because they know what you got. TSA could be like, "Ah, got to search it. Need to keep this. I think this is a liquid. This is a liquid. Got to keep this."

Matt Owen:

Got to hold this. Go to have to hold this.

Amena Brown:

All right. Our next food stop, which is important as our last one, is Texas. And I'm saying the state of Texas, but if I'm honest, I really and truly mean San Antonio and Austin.

Matt Owen:

Might as well be honest.

Amena Brown:

There's really no disrespect to the other cities.

Matt Owen:

shout-out to Houston.

Amena Brown:

Okay. I do want to give Houston a honor for a moment there.

Matt Owen:

I do want to shout-out to Houston.

Amena Brown:

But the thing about Houston that's interesting for me is I feel like because Houston is such an international city, it's like the food there, the food scene there feels so varied. Whereas when we have gone to San Antonio and Austin, that is really to get TexMex wasted. That's really the vibe. But I do want to give an honorable mention to Houston, Texas because generally the food there... And really Austin too, I think Austin had generally a great food scene. But we need to talk specifically about tacos right now.

Matt Owen:

Yes, Lord.

Amena Brown:

These are two people that lived in Texas for long periods of time. You lived in the Dallas area for over 10 years or around 10 years.

Matt Owen:

Now, 10.

Amena Brown:

I lived in San Antonio for, sheesh, I guess almost... No, not quite 10 years. Probably six years until I went away to college. But then all that time I was in college, my mom still lived there so I was still coming home. So maybe around 10 years if you count all the breaks and everything from school that I was coming home. I need to talk about breakfast tacos. Breakfast tacos are such a staple of life in all of Texas, but in particular ways, in South Texas like that-

Matt Owen:

Yes, so necessary.

Amena Brown:

Your breakfast taco spot is right next to McDonald's, how some of us grew up, like your parents. Speaking of starting on people, your parents could take you to a dentist appointment and then be like, "Ooh, we didn't have time to get you breakfast," and how they stop and get you the big platter that was in the styrofoam thing that had the pancake and the little sausages. If you showed up to school with that-

Matt Owen:

Baller.

Amena Brown:

... the kids would be like, "Damn."

Matt Owen:

I got to stay fly.

Amena Brown:

There'd be regrets about that cold cereal they had. So basically in Texas, you could have the equivalent of that the same way people felt about going to get McDonald's breakfast. You feel that way about having breakfast tacos. Also, when you are traveling in church space like we were for a long time, church business is real big in Texas.

Matt Owen:

Real big. Everything bigger in Texas.

Amena Brown:

What's funny you all is we used to travel to Texas so much when we were doing church gigs. Now that neither of us are doing church gigs, we don't never, never go to Texas unless it's for leisure because we're going to see some friends, or we just have a city there we wanted to travel to. But Dallas, Texas don't never see us no more.

Matt Owen:

No, man.

Amena Brown:

Because the main reason we got booked over there was church. But I'm going to tell you one thing. When we were doing Sunday services and those people would show up with the long aluminum pan-

Matt Owen:

Let me tell you.

Amena Brown:

... of the breakfast tacos rolled up in the foil.

Matt Owen:

Let me tell you, the green room in a very large church in Texas more than likely was about to have some bomb breakfast tacos.

Amena Brown:

Yo, yo. I want to give a special shout-out to my Dallas people and the kolaches because I ain't know nothing about that. I ain't know nothing about that in San Antonio and Austin.

Matt Owen:

I didn't know about kolaches til I got to Dallas either.

Amena Brown:

No. So I do. Dallas, you do get a small minor shout-out right there on the kolaches. Because some of those churches, you would get breakfast tacos and kolaches.

Matt Owen:

And some of those mom-and-pop donut shops were really good. That's where you got the kolaches from. And then the one that had the little bit of the jalapeno in there.

Amena Brown:

Ooh.

Matt Owen:

Oh Lord, my goodness. Hey.

Amena Brown:

I'm going to tell you all right now. Also, when it come to breakfast tacos, these the shout-outs I want to give. I want to give a shout-out to a potato and egg taco. I want to give a shout-out to a bean and cheese.

Matt Owen:

That one.

Amena Brown:

Very specifically. I want to give a shout-out to a eggs, bacon, cheese-

Matt Owen:

That one.

Amena Brown:

... beside there. Also, I want to give a shout-out to a bean, bacon, cheese.

Matt Owen:

That one.

Amena Brown:

It's one a few. Remember when you was in school and they would be like, "How many combinations of these blah, blah, blah ingredients?" I really wish they would've given me that when I was in school in Texas related to the things that go into breakfast taco.

But here's the thing. We live here in Atlanta. The people here be trying to make breakfast tacos. But I'm going to tell you where they going wrong in my opinion. It's too many ingredients. It's too many choices. It's too many things. You can't be adding caramelized onions and sweet potato. Don't do that. Just focus on you need to have eggs, bacon, beans, potatoes, cheese. Maybe there's a chorizo.

Matt Owen:

Ooh, I love chorizo.

Amena Brown:

You really less than 10 ingredients that you could possibly choose for this and all them ingredients in whatever various ways, you're going to mash them up, going to be delish. I miss that very much whenever we go to Texas to this day. The last time we went to Texas before the pandemic... No, we actually have taken one more trip since the pandemic started. We took one trip.

Matt Owen:

Then?

Amena Brown:

And the first thing we did, got the rental car and did what? Drove straight to the taco spot.

Matt Owen:

Straight to the taco spot.

Amena Brown:

Need that breakfast. I sat in the lobby of the hotel.

Matt Owen:

They had the bit with the pork.

Amena Brown:

Oh, yes.

Matt Owen:

With the juices dripping down.

Amena Brown:

Come on, man.

Matt Owen:

And the pineapple dripping down.

Amena Brown:

Come on.

Matt Owen:

Oh my goodness.

Amena Brown:

Listen, I'm-

Matt Owen:

The brisket.

Amena Brown:

I just-

Matt Owen:

The brisket.

Amena Brown:

Okay. We do need to speak about the brisket because it's very interesting the amount of places that we've traveled and the various versions of barbecue. I'm putting my big air quotes there. You could go to Memphis and that's a different barbecue. You could be in Kansas City and that's different. You could have barbecue in North Carolina. That's different. But people in Texas say barbecue, they typically mean something involving brisket.

Matt Owen:

Smoked meat.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, and that brisket-

Matt Owen:

Specifically that brisket.

Amena Brown:

Yo.

Matt Owen:

They do the large work in Texas on that.

Amena Brown:

I'm going to tell you all, we have traveled to other places that have said they had brisket on the menu and yikes.

Matt Owen:

All all right.

Amena Brown:

It just, it's never great.

Matt Owen:

If I didn't know better, I'd be like, "Wow." Problem is my taste buds.

Amena Brown:

That's it.

Matt Owen:

They know better.

Amena Brown:

That's it. I also want to give a shout-out to the Texas establishment, especially to San Antonio and Austin where you can see the tias and the abuelas in the back hand-making tortillas.

Matt Owen:

Yeah, go.

Amena Brown:

I'm just telling you all.

Matt Owen:

It's a beautiful thing.

Amena Brown:

When we go to Texas, we are people that go ahead and get taco wasted. If they asking me do I have dietary restrictions, not this trip.

Matt Owen:

Nope.

Amena Brown:

I'm eating this, whatever this is. The queso, the pico de gallo. In Texas, they know the difference between salsa and pico de gallo.

Matt Owen:

Wow.

Amena Brown:

That is not the same.

Matt Owen:

Wow.

Amena Brown:

It's so much.

Matt Owen:

So much.

Amena Brown:

It's so much. I also want to give a shout-out in San Antonio to, I think it's called the Original Donut Shop, which is one of our favorite taco places in San Antonio because they have donuts and tacos all in one. Great. I want to give a special shout-out to my favorite donut place in the country, Gourdough's, which is in Austin, Texas. And Gourdough's, I don't... Their food truck location may have changed, but they used to have a food truck location pre-pandemic that was next to a taco food truck that was called Mezcalito's, I think.

Matt Owen:

That's a win-win.

Amena Brown:

And we would stop up in there and get both of them hoes, get-

Matt Owen:

2000 calories easily.

Amena Brown:

... the donut, get the taco, get a Jarritos, and just listen.

Matt Owen:

Get cozy.

Amena Brown:

I'm telling you all right now, a time is going to come where we are going to go back to that area of Texas. I don't know. We going to fly into San Antonio. I got to get to Austin for the day.

Matt Owen:

Listen, any-

Amena Brown:

For the day.

Matt Owen:

Anybody that works at a big old church in Texas, I know Amena probably ain't going to show up and do it. But if you want me to recite He is Here, I bet I could do it by now. I bet I could do it by now. He is here, right here.

Amena Brown:

What we're trying to say... But no, what we really need is-

Matt Owen:

In your heart.

Amena Brown:

... do you all got a corporate gig? Who got a corporate gig in Texas that pays very well and that in our rider you all can just bring us these tacos at 8:00 AM? That would be the best case scenario.

Matt Owen:

That would be so great.

Amena Brown:

It's just all I'm saying.

Matt Owen:

So great.

Amena Brown:

So much food on the road to enjoy. And I'll tell you one thing in as we close the food portion of our Road Stories episodes. I feel like the thing that I've had time to think about as we've not been on the road as much, and it just gave me time to think about what do I really miss about that. And I've talked to some other friends that were in the same rigor of travel that we were. And some of it is I miss traveling. I miss being able to go to those cities.

So that said to me, well I want to make a priority of once a year, twice a year, however much the budget allows, to just travel some places. Go to the cities now that we don't have to go there just because we're working.

Matt Owen:

Right.

Amena Brown:

And sometimes, we do go to cities and work, but we're not doing gigs there. So we're going there. We're working on projects or working on client work or filming or recording for something else. But enjoy the cities when you go there. Because now 9 times out of 10 when we travel now, we're not on anyone else's schedule for the most part. So we can take our time and go to some food trucks and find the coffee spots we love to go to. And so I do want to bring that back some parts of where we were traveling. I don't want to travel back to them places, but traveling to some places we love, I do want to do that.

Matt Owen:

Yeah, see the culture. Taking in some, learning something.

Amena Brown:

Top cities for me if we could choose trips to go to next, top cities for me would be Austin/San Antonio area because they're close enough. You can do both of them in one. Chicago, Philly if I was going to take a food trip.

Matt Owen:

Oh, yes.

Amena Brown:

I was going to go one place. You have 24 to 48 hours and all you're going to do is eat the food, it would be them three-

Matt Owen:

Easily.

Amena Brown:

... top areas for me.

Matt Owen:

Easily. Same.

Amena Brown:

What about you?

Matt Owen:

Same. Oshkosh, Wisconsin.

Amena Brown:

Huh?

Matt Owen:

I don't know. Is that a place?

Amena Brown:

Yes, actually.

Matt Owen:

Did we end up there?

Amena Brown:

It is. I think we did actually one time.

Matt Owen:

I'll remember the food being good though. I was-

Amena Brown:

We ended up...

Matt Owen:

There would be food too.

Amena Brown:

They were close too but you feel like you would go to the place-

Matt Owen:

I feel like you nailed it. Chicago. Oh, that's the one.

Amena Brown:

That's the top.

Matt Owen:

That's the one in Philly.

Amena Brown:

Top three.

Matt Owen:

Kindly just-

Amena Brown:

That helps real bad getting out of here. So maybe you all will see us around. If we travel out there just to eat some food, we will definitely keep you all posted. Tune in to our next Road Stories episode where we tell you how sometimes on the road, things get terrible. See you all next time.

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 110

 Amena Brown:

Welcome back to another new episode of HER with Amena Brown. And, I am back here in the living room with Matt Owen, who is my husband and also my podcast producer, as well, so.

Matt Owen:

He is honored to be on HER.

 Amena Brown:

That's right.

Matt Owen:

So I enter this space very tentatively.

 Amena Brown:

Okay.

Matt Owen:

Because this is her space.

 Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Matt Owen:

It's not his space.

 Amena Brown:

That's right. It's very rare that there is a male voice here. So we welcome you here, even though you are kind of a quasi member of the living room, because you help everything sound good here.

Matt Owen:

I can take some of the bass out of my voice.

 Amena Brown:

I think your voice is fine as it is, but I think you have already sort of been a little member here with us. You have just been more of a quiet member, because you've been here making sure that all of the guests sound great. That all of the music sounds great. So it's nice to get to hear from you on this side of the mic.

Matt Owen:

Happy to play a part. And it's also nice to be able to look at your face. Usually if we're recording, either your back is to me, or my back is to you.

 Amena Brown:

That's true.

Matt Owen:

And so, a little eye contact. Hey, eyes.

 Amena Brown:

That's true, we get to do a little flirtation here. Sorry.

Matt Owen:

Little brown eyes. Okay.

 Amena Brown:

That's for a different podcast, when we do our OnlyFans.

Matt Owen:

Oh.

 Amena Brown:

We'll let y'all know about that.

Matt Owen:

We'll do a podcast called Theirs.

 Amena Brown:

Boy, how would y'all feel if we had an OnlyFans for real? If you listening to this, DM me and tell me if we had an OnlyFans, would you follow us? But some of y'all probably don't want to admit that you're on OnlyFans anyway. So that's okay. That's all right. You can just, whatever anonymous way you want to communicate.

Matt Owen:

We were in a meeting one time and someone was telling me about some service that we should have been on for invoicing. And I don't remember what it was, but when I was typing it into my phone, autocorrect changed it. It was something close enough.

 Amena Brown:

Close enough to OnlyFans.

Matt Owen:

OnlyFans. And I typed it in and the site comes up while you're sitting in this meeting, you're looking down. You're like, "I don't have a, that's not, I was trying to type in the."

 Amena Brown:

Please. Yikes. It's just difficult. Okay. It's difficult. So we are talking about our favorite food cities from the road. We talked about Chicago last episode. So New Yorkers, I would not leave you hanging out there.

You are also one. I really have to stop for a moment and speak about New York, because I just feel that of all the cities I've traveled to, New York and I have a very special love affair. It is just a city that I have always loved. I traveled there by myself before Matt and I were dating, almost moved there many times in my life. So that, New York is my mojo city. I love to be there at any time. Anytime there's an excuse to be there, near there, close to there. I'm trying to be in New York. So shout out to my New Yorkers listening.

Matt Owen:

Makes sense.

 Amena Brown:

Let us discuss New York as a food city. Listen, I really feel, I know there's a lot of conversation around Chicago pizza versus New York Pizza. For me, it's not really a versus, because I just feel like we are talking about two very different things and it feels strange to me to compare them. Either city I'm in, I'm going to eat that pizza, is the thing. So I'm going eat Chicago pizza in Chicago, and when I'm in New York, I'm not going to be like, "Why New York Pizza ain't Chicago Pizza?" I'm going to eat New York pizza.

Matt Owen:

It's like trap music and boom bap. Both in the genre of hip hop, but two whole different types of music.

 Amena Brown:

Very different, very different. Different uses, just different everything. So I want to give a shout-out to that New York slice. I want to give a shout-out to being able to fold that pizza up in your hand. I want to give a shout-out to those flimsy paper plates that the pizza slice typically, comes on.

Matt Owen:

Yeah, grease comes through.

 Amena Brown:

Man. Really, that's one of my favorite things about New York. Because Matt and I are true to form, hip hop heads musically, but also just the culture generally. Definitely had to go to Junior's and get that cheesecake. Shout out to making the band.

Matt Owen:

We didn't walk there.

 Amena Brown:

No, we did not.

Matt Owen:

We took the train.

 Amena Brown:

We did not walk to Junior's. But I did feel, shout-out to dial on, dial on, dial on, that we needed to have that cheesecake. And Junior's, I mean, I'm not sure why Puff wanted those kids to walk over there. I'm not sure that's why, that's the way they needed to show they were hardworking. But when we took our cab ride to Junior's, that cheesecake was delicious.

Matt Owen:

It sure was.

 Amena Brown:

I love it.

Matt Owen:

Speaking of dial on, dial on, dial on, that's kind of interesting moment. You know what I mean? That's a phrase I use pretty regularly. And as I get older, now, I'm starting to wonder how many times I'm making that reference to something. Yeah. My top five, dial on, dial on, dial on.

 Amena Brown:

Dial on, dial on, dial on.

Matt Owen:

I'm saying that to somebody and they just looking at me. I wonder if they even get it.

 Amena Brown:

I have certainly made reference to, I have been in meetings, in various conversations and said, I mean, it's not like we about to walk to Junior's. I've said it, and now I'm like damn, I don't really know. I don't really know who there in the meeting was laughing because they assumed I was being funny, or was laughing because they actually watched Making The Band.

Matt Owen:

Yeah, Making The Band. Yeah.

 Amena Brown:

On MTV. So shout out to you who remember that. If you don't though, it's a good google. It's a good google rabbit hole to go down. Making The Band as a series on MTV is, it's akin to me in a pop culture sense into what The Godfather is to film culture. Because there's certain references of The Godfather that show up in so many movies, that if you'd never seen The Godfather, you're like, "Why is everybody laughing about the horse in the bed?" And why did they say, "Sleeps with the fishes?" And why did they say, "Go to the mattresses?" It's a whole lexicon you're missing. And if you were to go down the rabbit hole of that, Making The Band, Sean Puffy Combs edition, it's some references that you'll be like, "That's why people saying, dial on, dial on, dial on."

Matt Owen:

I get it.

 Amena Brown:

Why? Okay. Other than Junior's, other foods that we remember having in New York?

Matt Owen:

Oh, first of all, to me, New York is such an interesting place because you have so many different people groups from where they're from, whereas in the South, we have Southern folk.

 Amena Brown:

Right? Right, right.

Matt Owen:

And so we have Southern food. And so there might be, my Mammaw might have fried chicken this way, and so that's why my family fries chicken this way. And then your family might have fried chicken that way. But really, if we're being honest, all their secret ingredient was sugar, you know what I'm saying? Be like, "I got my secret ingredient." Now, I know why they'd always kind of laugh and be like, "The secret ingredient's sugar."

 Amena Brown:

And I'm like, it's definitely sugar.

Matt Owen:

They'd be like a little chuckle.

 Amena Brown:

Oh my gosh.

Matt Owen:

It's everybody's secret ingredient.

 Amena Brown:

So many foods. Spaghetti, fried chicken, everything. The sugar.

Matt Owen:

So it's like Southern folks found a Southern way of making Southern food. And so that's what we know down here. And then we'll get a watered down version of something by a company. We really don't have great tacos in Atlanta. I know some people fight beyond that, but being from Texas is, we know the difference. And then Texas tacos are different from California tacos. You know what I mean?

 Amena Brown:

Right, right.

Matt Owen:

You learn that the hard way. But it's interesting, you can go be in New York and go to a Pakistani restaurant and you getting that food. You go to the place where they were making the duck pancakes, and you're like, "Oh." And then you might see some ducks hanging.

 Amena Brown:

From the ceiling in the restaurant.

Matt Owen:

Yeah. Oh, okay. That's different. Shout-out to, what was the place where they made, was it a Pakistani Big Mac or something like that?

 Amena Brown:

Oh, man. I wish I knew the name of the restaurant, but I do need to shout out Famous Fat Dave.

Matt Owen:

There we go.

 Amena Brown:

Because this was a splurge of a food tour.

Matt Owen:

Worth it, do it. Book it now.

 Amena Brown:

That I had wanted to go on for so many years when I was a journalist. I'm going to see if we can find the link to add to the show notes, if it even still exists online anyplace. If it doesn't, then I'll try to put the image of this on my social media so y'all can see it. But many moons ago when I was a journalist, one of my first cover stories, I believe it was for Creative Loafing Charlotte, which was Charlotte's Alt Weekly, any of you that are familiar with Alt Weeklys. Is sort of like your irreverent paper that you have in town. It's not the straight lace newspaper.

It's not your conventional media. It's the Alt Weekly, which means it covers more art stuff. It covers things that maybe your regular type of newspaper or media outlet would miss. So back in the day for Charlotte, that was Creative Loafing Charlotte, and I knew the editor in chief there, shout-out to Carlton Hargrove, actually. And he was like, "Hey, we just had a writer not be able to finish this story." He was like, "Can you finish this cover story?" And it's about asking different folks from different cities, their recommendations of stuff to do in that city.

So basically, the story, the sources and everything were already there. I just had to interview them. And Famous Fat Dave was the person that I had to interview for New York. And if you're not familiar with Famous Fat Dave, he has one of those classic checker cabs that he owns, actually. One of the vintage ones. So you can literally do this tour in a cab or you can do a walking tour. And I'd always wanted to do one. And the other times that Matt and I had been to New York, we didn't have time. Well, at a certain point, we had gotten booked in Philly to support the project of our artist friend, Red Baron. He was releasing some work, and so we went there to support him and we were like, "We are three hours from New York? Should we? Yes." So we went ahead, took a train, stayed in Brooklyn, which was amazing. And while we were there, we were like, "We're doing this with Famous Fat Dave."

Matt Owen:

Stayed in a brownstone.

 Amena Brown:

Stayed in a brownstone in Brooklyn. Yo.

Matt Owen:

Every time we walked out of there, it felt like if you grew up watching the Cosby Show, it looked like what you saw when they showed the outside of the house. You're like, "Wow."

 Amena Brown:

And I want to shout out to, I'm trying to find the correct name for it, y'all, because we used, at that time there was a service where you could find out people of color who were offering their homes or portions of their home for you to rent, similar to some other services you might use now. But because there were so many racist things happening with some of those other services, we used one where we could actually support this. So the one that we used, it was called Noirbnb at that time. So this Black woman owned a brownstone and she had converted the basement of the brownstone into a little mini kind of apartment thing where people could come and stay. And so that's where we stayed, which was fabulous. I mean, she had a beautiful courtyard that you could walk out.

Matt Owen:

It was gorgeous.

 Amena Brown:

On the basement level, I mean, it was fantastic. So we stayed there. We decided on the walking tour because I kind of felt like as much food as you was going to eat with Famous Fat Dave on this tour, kind of felt like walking, at least you're burning something.

Matt Owen:

Something. And we were walking fast. It was, it did the thing. Yeah, for sure.

 Amena Brown:

So he took us to a Pakistani restaurant to have their version of a Big Mac. Which was amazing.

Matt Owen:

Incredible.

 Amena Brown:

We ate Japanese food, we had Chinese food. We went through Chinatown and Little Italy. I mean, we ended the tour having this wonderful cannoli. We had, oh, a slice of pizza. So we are not getting paid in any way to share this information with you. But I'm telling you, if you want to go to New York and do a food splurge for any of my foodies listening, Famous Fat Dave got you.

Matt Owen:

You got to do it. It's a must.

 Amena Brown:

It was fantastic. And getting a chance to see all of these different areas of New York, different neighborhoods and stuff like that. That's one thing I love about New York that's just different from a lot of cities, the different boroughs. And even inside the boroughs, the different areas where there are different cultures and people living, and their food traditions. Love to see it. That's one of my favorite things about New York.

I feel like all my other things about New York are not food related now, because I'm like, "And I love just walking down the street and seeing all the people, even though I go slow because I'm from the South."

Matt Owen:

But it is, the food goes with the neighborhood though. You know what mean? Whatever part of town you're in, there are certain specific things that are there. It's different. It made me also love the side of Atlanta that we live in, because the side of Atlanta that we live in, we live ITP. For those of you not from Atlanta, that's inside the perimeter. There's 285 that goes around ATL. And there's always, long as I've been Atlanta, there's always a thing, whether you're ITP or OTP, and people argue about, who's the real Atlanta? And then now we're arguing about is old Atlanta, the real Atlanta? Well, which old Atlanta are you?

So now there's so many different iterations of, but it makes me love the side of town that we live on because it's still mom and pop restaurants. It's still small. You're not going to find multiples of these out there. We still have some of that thing that's not insert whatever, when they're building the suburban town, and they're going to put this restaurant beside this restaurant, beside this super cuts, beside this whatever. Walmart, Target, whatever. So it was really cool seeing all these types of restaurants, eating the, was it? The Chechoan?

 Amena Brown:

Oh, the Cacio e Pepe?

Matt Owen:

Yeah. I don't know how to say it.

 Amena Brown:

I think it's Cacio e Pepe.

Matt Owen:

Is it Cacio, is it Checho?

 Amena Brown:

It's Cacio e Pepe. Anyways, it caught me.

Matt Owen:

Either way. That Pepe was delicious.

 Amena Brown:

It catches me. The Pepe catches me every time. Yes, I do remember, that was a part of our food tour.

Matt Owen:

It was amazing.

 Amena Brown:

And we were experiencing that dish eaten out of ... Not eaten out of, but made out of a wheel of cheese. So those of you that are familiar with this dish know what I'm talking about. It's pretty much pasta, cheese and pepper. But this particular restaurant, the Famous Fat Dave took us to, they would take the pasta and swirl it around in the middle of this wheel of cheese and then put the fresh cracked pepper.

Matt Owen:

The Lord's work.

 Amena Brown:

I was going to give a special shout out to the pasta in New York because that pasta was amazing. I went there for my 30th birthday, and my best friend Adrienne and I went to New York. And she actually just text me. I guess it sent her memories of her having emailed me or messaged me, to tell me that she had booked her ticket. Because we were like this month, all those years ago, she had booked her ticket for us to go for my birthday in May for our 30th.

And we went to see a Broadway play, went to see Fela Kuti. We went to see Fela, which was about Fela Kuti, which was on Broadway at that time. And we left there and just happened to find this little Italian restaurant in New York, not far from where the play had been. And it was very small. Only 12 people could sit inside the restaurant. It had a long table and that's it. And we sat there and ordered this pasta, that was some of the most amazing pasta I've ever had in my life.

So I think that's the other interesting thing about New York, kind of similar to what you were saying, is when you go to a city like Dallas for example, everything's big. The restaurants sometimes have three floors and 400 people can fit inside the restaurant. But to be in a city like New York, which doesn't have massive amounts of land available like that, so there's a lot more little small hole in the wall, small spots like that, where you could go in a restaurant and eat that type of pasta. Or go in a restaurant that can only seat 16 people, and you can eat sushi there.

Matt Owen:

Go in that bodega and get it, yeah.

 Amena Brown:

Right. I also want to shout out to Chinese food in New York, because let me tell y'all how I had to learn my lesson. I went to New York once without Matt for a business meeting and I was there. New York for me is an introvert's dream, because it's somehow you can walk around this city that's very busy and full of people, but no one talks to you.

It's just, it's a perfect place to be in your head, but also not be alone because there's all these people around. So I'm a very much a Yelp person. I trust the stars on Yelp. So I found this Chinese restaurant and went by there, ordered myself a noodle dish, and ordered myself some vegetables to go with it. But let me tell y'all how the chefs in New York are not playing games. They were not. This particular restaurant I went to, they were not about serving Americanized Chinese food. Whatever, we grew up going to our Americanized Chinese restaurants where the chefs there were like, "We know these Americans ain't going to eat the Chinese food that's really like, that we know from our people. So we going to throw some honey in here, and let's throw some sugar on that."

Matt Owen:

Secret ingredients.

 Amena Brown:

Exactly. And help them eat this. This restaurant was serving Szechuan Chinese food. And I'm not a person that can handle huge amounts of spice anyway, but I'm going to tell y'all that I got them noodles home and it's a very wild experience. Not home, home, but hotel home. That's how Matt and I would refer to it when we were on the road.

Matt Owen:

Hotel Home.

 Amena Brown:

Yeah. Sometimes we would sing that, what was that song that they redid for? There's a show that Gordon Ramsey had. Oh, Gordon Ramsey had a show called Hotel Hell and they had redone a song for the theme song where they were saying, "Hotel, Hotel Hell." So I would take that and I would say, "Hotel, Hotel Home," when we were going home.

Matt Owen:

So, I told y'all she could sing.

 Amena Brown:

Bloop. So I went to Hotel Home and y'all, I've never eaten something that was the most delicious thing that I'd had, and burned me the most in every regard. It was so spicy.

Matt Owen:

In comparison to the hot chicken we had in Nashville?

 Amena Brown:

It might have been spicier than that.

Matt Owen:

What was the spot? Junior's?

 Amena Brown:

Prince's. Yeah, Prince's Hot Chicken.

Matt Owen:

Prince's Hot Chicken in Nashville.

 Amena Brown:

It might have been spicier than that. And it was very hard on me, because sometimes a thing can be spicy but not tasty. And so then you're kind of like, "I don't really want to push myself to get through this."

Matt Owen:

Because Prince's, it hurt but I wanted to keep eating it.

 Amena Brown:

It was so good. That's how that Chinese food was. Yo. And I was like, "That's on me," because I had never really been to a restaurant that wasn't Americanized Chinese food really. So yeah, it burned the hell out of everything, but it was good. So shout out to New York.

Matt Owen:

Got to pay the cost to be the boss.

 Amena Brown:

Well, you have brought up Prince's and I feel we should discuss our Southeast tour that we typically took every year.

Matt Owen:

Every year.

 Amena Brown:

And we never planned this y'all. But there was a period of time that Matt and I were doing a lot of youth events and a lot of college events. And that, number one, because I'm Black, made our Black History Month very busy, because a lot of the colleges would want to book me during Black History Month. And then youth events get real busy around March time, because there's a lot of spring break, camps, and different little weekend things and stuff to do. So inevitably, we would end up with a run through the South. And when I say through the South, I don't mean through New Orleans, through Atlanta, through Charlotte. I mean through all the little bitty towns in between them places. You didn't hit a major city, no place. Durham might be the closest.

Matt Owen:

Maybe.

 Amena Brown:

Maybe.

Matt Owen:

You might have to drive.

 Amena Brown:

Two hours from where we would've been, to get to a major city. During our Southeast tour, we took it upon ourselves to partake of the South's delicacies. A lot of that was fried food.

Matt Owen:

A lot of fried food.

 Amena Brown:

There was a good bit of fried chicken. Shout out to Prince's, which is really the inventor of the hot chicken. I just want to put that out here. Prince's and Bolton's, originators and innovators of the hot chicken. I know there are some other names out there and I'm not going to say them, but y'all know them. But I'm telling you, these two Black-owned establishments indeed deserve to get their props on this.

Matt Owen:

She ain't going to say any other names on here, but I will say that every time we drive past the one in Atlanta, she gives a, "Hmm."

 Amena Brown:

I'll never go in there. But anyways, y'all go to Prince's and Bolton's when y'all in Nashville and stop playing games with me. Okay. Fried catfish is something I enjoyed on our Southeast tour. You get up in through the Carolinas, the South Carolina, the North Carolina, if you're looking for a vegetable, we are not sure.

Matt Owen:

Green beans. What's important?

 Amena Brown:

I ordered a vegetable medley several times in a restaurant in the Carolinas, and received what looked like the frozen veggies you can get where the-

Matt Owen:

The little small, little-

 Amena Brown:

Yeah, it's like the carrots are like a cube. It's like a little cube square and the peas, in a little dish. That was the veggie.

Matt Owen:

I wish y'all could have seen how Amena cocked her head and did her face and her hands to show y'all how small the little cubes are.

 Amena Brown:

It's like a little small, I'm trying to show y'all the cube is like, it's less than a baby carrot. The cube is, it would take 12 cubes to make a baby carrot is what I'm trying to tell y'all. So we don't know about where those veggies are at. If you go to a soul food spot, you going to have some collard greens there. Now it depends on the soul food spot. Them collard greens, might be a little ham hock mixed in. Might be a little smoked turkey situation. You can kind of get that. But if you go into your traditional Southern spot, not soul food, because I think there's differences in that.

Matt Owen:

There's some intersections, there's some differences.

 Amena Brown:

Right, and there's some differences. But if you go to a traditional Southern spot, that catfish going to be fried to perfection. But if you were asking for a fresh vegetable, nobody knows. Nobody knows where that's at. So I wanted to, that was my time of the year where I eating.

Matt Owen:

You got some coleslaw.

 Amena Brown:

Okay, we eating catfish. You know what else we going to get? Them hush puppies.

Matt Owen:

Hush puppies.

 Amena Brown:

South Carolina and North Carolina got a hush puppy to give you.

Matt Owen:

Yes they do.

 Amena Brown:

It's delicious. Sometimes they got a little jalapeno mixed inside the hush puppy. Sometimes there's actual corn inside the hush puppy. Either way, fried to perfection. Delicious. I want to speak a word about barbecue, which we also enjoyed.

Matt Owen:

Yes, we did.

 Amena Brown:

In the Carolinas. There's some things about that Southeast tour, because we weren't really people who just ate those things all the time. Now fried chicken, we did eat all the time, whenever we wanted to.

Matt Owen:

I partake.

 Amena Brown:

But we didn't really like fry catfish at home, and make hush puppies at home and stuff like that.

Matt Owen:

That was a treat on the road.

 Amena Brown:

We were out there on the Southeast tour. Get it in. We about to go, get this barbecue right here. We about to get these green beans that we know got ham inside. These biscuits. That's another thing about the Southeast tour. I want to speak a word about Maple Street Biscuits, which we originally encountered in Jacksonville, Florida. And I don't even know if they have this biscuit on the menu anymore, but they used to have a biscuit that had fried chicken.

Matt Owen:

Yes, it did.

 Amena Brown:

It was like a fried chicken thigh and then it had collard greens. And then it had a over easy egg.

Matt Owen:

Yes it did.

 Amena Brown:

Ooh, my, my.

Matt Owen:

That thing right there. Ooh, wait.

 Amena Brown:

Just thinking about that biscuit today, and I'm not going to lie to y'all. We didn't have Maple Street Biscuits in Atlanta then. So when we were in Jacksonville, we actually went there two or three times while we were there for this.

Matt Owen:

I'm going to go for a jog after this, just to make up for my past sins.

 Amena Brown:

Yo. So then they brought Maple Street Biscuits to Atlanta and not me cheering, not me cheering out loud like, Maple Street. Not me giving it that y'all, like that's how good that biscuit was. So you on a Southeast run, which for us was typically somewhere between Florida, Alabama, Georgia, and the Carolinas. It was typically, going to be somewhere. Every now and then edge a little into Kentucky, edge a little into some parts of Tennessee. So you want to go ahead and get your barbecue, which is all going to be different, depending on where you're going there.

Matt Owen:

Whatever type of sauce you're going to get.

 Amena Brown:

Right. The barbecue in North Carolina was going to be different from the barbecue you might get between Tennessee and Kentucky, because the barbecue in Memphis is going to taste different from-

Matt Owen:

They going to pull that pork different.

 Amena Brown:

You got to get some ribs if you getting close to the Memphis area.

Matt Owen:

Yes, ooh.

 Amena Brown:

You got to do that because you got to get the barbecue sauce right. There was a lot about the hotels and things on them Southeast runs that was hard on us. But the food was great.

Matt Owen:

Sure was. And if you were driving to, and you're trying to stay on the road, stopping off at a barbecue spot, trying to eat that barbecue. If you're going to try to eat while you're driving, that's trouble.

 Amena Brown:

No, no.

Matt Owen:

But also, getting back in the car and trying to drive after not driving and eating barbecue, that's trouble.

 Amena Brown:

We had to learn how to pace ourselves a little bit better regarding that. Because a lot of times, basically how the Southeast run would go is typically we might get one anchor gig. Sometimes we'd get an anchor gig that we flew to. So we might fly to someplace in Virginia and do the gig there, but then we'd have to rent a car to drive because the gig in Virginia, we could get a gig that might only be another two or three hours from there in Tennessee somewhere. And then we got a gig from Tennessee down to Alabama. Then we got a gig from Alabama to South Carolina.

So sometimes, we could have anywhere from four days to a 10-day run on the road, where it depends on how the dates were set up. You're not all in the same place. So it's not like you can buy eggs and things at the grocery store and hope that's all going to last you. You really had to eat out a lot in order to handle the schedule. But I enjoyed that run. I enjoyed every hush puppy and biscuit. I want to give a shout-out to the sweet tea that was readily available, literally at every restaurant you went to. Not just Southern food restaurants and not just soul food. Every place. Every place of the South, you could get sweet tea any time of day.

Matt Owen:

See, I just grew up, that tea, sweet tea. All tea was sweet. Why would you not? That make no sense.

 Amena Brown:

Yeah. That was hard on me when we would go back into Texas and some places in the Midwest, and we would be like, "Can we get some sweet tea?" And they would be like, "We can get you tea and here's sugar." I'd be like, "Uh-huh, no, that's not what we talking about. Uh-huh. That's not sweet tea. Get out of here."

Matt Owen:

When I first moved to Dallas, ordered some sweet tea, they talking about sugar on the table.

 Amena Brown:

No, I don't do that.

Matt Owen:

I'm like, "Well, that's why I came here. I didn't, you want me to fry my burger too? You want me to drop the fry basket for you? I mean, what else? That's why I came to you, partner. I came to you, because I don't want to make it."

 Amena Brown:

No.

Matt Owen:

Who on earth is putting non-sweet tea in they mouth?

 Amena Brown:

I don't know what that means.

Matt Owen:

For enjoyment purposes.

 Amena Brown:

To this day, that just sounds I'm, I'm like, if I'm going to have not sweet tea, then just water. It's like give me sweet tea or just give me water. I don't want whatever else you're doing. You can mix the sweet tea and lemonade, also acceptable as a Southern tradition. But anything else, that just sounds like water.

Matt Owen:

I don't think I've tried non-sweetened tea in my forties though. I wonder, because my taste buds have changed. Once upon a time, it was Coke, Dr. Pepper. Whatever. That era has now left me, and I'm in more of a carbonated water for a treat.

 Amena Brown:

I never knew this was going to happen to me. Never.

Matt Owen:

And for the most part, had been on the flavored carbonated water. But recently, I can just drink it. Whereas once upon a time, if I would've got some carbonated water, you know how you go to McDonald's back in the day and you order a Sprite and a Sprite thing was out. So you get it in this all carb, you'd be like, "What is wrong?"

 Amena Brown:

Boy. Yikes.

Matt Owen:

Oh, it felt offensive to my mouth, but now I'm like, "Yeah. Oh, that's a treat."

 Amena Brown:

Oh. So I'm going to tell you what your forties brings you, is drinking sparkling water and saying things like, "Hmm, that's refreshing." That's your forties. If y'all want to know part of what it is, part of it is definitely that right there. But maybe we need to do this as an experiment. I have, because I told y'all, I'm having to count my sugar things. I have gone to a restaurant and asked them to do half sweet tea and have unsweet tea. Now, I'm going to tell y'all, I didn't like saying it. It really hurt my feelings a little bit, because I don't want that. I don't want the half to be unsweetened. I don't want that, but I know I'm going to want to eat some other things in the meal and I can't burn all my sugar availabilities in my sweet tea. So I have tried that, and it was more satisfactory to me than I thought it was going to be. So we might have to try a little experiment and see if we are people that can drink unsweet tea.

Matt Owen:

I guess people can change.

 Amena Brown:

Anyways, shout out to the Southeast run for all that it brought us of Southern delicacies. I want to give a shout-out to all the cobbler that we were able to have in various and sundry Southern locations. I want to give a shout-out to New York and Junior's and dial on, but I guess I'm going to shout out dial on. I need to shout out dial on, dial on, dial on, dial on, dial on, dial on. You make sure you get all the, it's like a bunch of dial ons you got to get in there.

Matt Owen:

I think it's five. Yeah. The top five.

 Amena Brown:

Yeah. Yeah. Dial on, dial on, dial on, dial on, dial on, that's a lot of dial ons. I'm going to see if we could find a link to put in the show notes for those of you that are not familiar with Sean Puffy Combs, Making The Band. And yes, I did say Sean Puffy Combs because during that era, he wasn't Papa Love or Daddy Love or whatever that is today. He wasn't Diddy, and I don't care what names he decides to be, his grand mama call him Puffy. And that's what I'm doing, too.

Matt Owen:

Okay.

 Amena Brown:

Anyways, thank y'all for joining us. We would love to tell you more about our food and road adventures soon. See y'all next week.

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions, as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 109

Amena Brown:

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another new episode of HER with Amena Brown.

Matt Owen:

Yeah!

Amena Brown:

And Matt is here in the living room with me.

Matt Owen:

Okay!

Amena Brown:

Because we have a few more road stories that we can say publicly. Some of the road stories we do have, they just will not make this podcast.

I will give y'all a little plug right quick though that we have been making bonus episodes from these episodes on my Patreon. So, shout out to my Patreon supporters. We really appreciate you all. Our Patreon supporters, in addition to just helping support my creative work in general, specifically are supporting us, helping make this podcast continue to be accessible so that we can provide transcripts and things like that from the podcast, which you can find in the show notes. Second plug.

Matt Owen:

Show notes.

Amena Brown:

You can find the link to the show notes in the description on whichever podcast player you're using. If you don't remember any of that, the show notes are also on AmenaBrown.com/HERwithAmena.

So, if you want not quite the dinner party versions because there's three levels to road stories. There's the road stories we tell y'all on a podcast. Then if there's a little more scandal, we just put it behind the paywall on Patreon. If it's super scandalous and/or involves naming names...

Matt Owen:

Catch me in the streets.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, we don't really put them things on recordings. So that way y'all know if y'all see us at a dinner party, we have a few entertaining things.

Matt Owen:

If it comes back up and I'll be like, "Did I say that? Hm, I don't remember."

Amena Brown:

"No, not me!"

Also, this reminds me, this has nothing to do with the podcast, but right quick, this reminds me of an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm that we watched where Larry David was talking about the importance of being able to be a good middle at the dinner party, right?

Matt Owen:

That is important. That's a difficult thing.

Amena Brown:

I don't know if you remember this episode.

Matt Owen:

Everybody can't do it.

Amena Brown:

Where you have, especially if you have a dinner party where everyone's actually sitting all at the same table and you've got the people who are on the end, but the people who are on the long side of the table that are sitting in the middle, y'all have to go back and actually watch this Larry David episode if you like that kind of thing, but I always think about us when I think about the concept of the middle because I feel like we're both people that you could totally sit in the middle of the row of people that we may or may not know at a dinner party. And first of all, we have lots of stories that we can tell and lots of questions we can ask to get other people talking.

Matt Owen:

Yep. And we don't have to tell stories if somebody else is telling stories. That's a whole nother skill. I'll be like, "Wait, hold up. I'm the one who be telling a story. How are you going to tell a story when I tell... You got a story? That's Cool. Tell your story."

Amena Brown:

That's a really good point you made, babe, because I think especially when you are, by nature, a performing artist, I think people assume that means that you have to be the ham. I really don't know why ham is the term that... Did you grow up hearing that? It'd be like, "Oh, so-and-so's a ham"?

Matt Owen:

I did. I did and I love ham, so I always took it as a compliment. I'm like, "Ham it up."

Amena Brown:

You were like, "That person must be delicious. Right on."

Matt Owen:

Oh yeah. I'll take another slice. You want you another slice of this ham? Let's go.

Amena Brown:

But even though I became a performer, I did not actually grow up being a ham. I was more withdrawn and subdued. But I think you made a great point there, babe, that part of being a good dinner party guest is having a good story on-hand to tell, but not having to tell it.

Matt Owen:

See, I think that in my 20s, I was totally a ham.

Amena Brown:

Okay. Mm-hmm.

Matt Owen:

I didn't know how not to be on, I didn't know how not to perform. Oh, there's anybody here? If I know you or not, oh, we putting on a show. Every picture I've seen of myself from 19 till about 23, 24, I'm just doing something crazy. I'm not smiling regular. I'm not just in the picture. I'm like gum under a shoe or something. I don't know, man. I'm just making up some weird... Whatever the weird thing, I just would get around people and it would just explode.

And then I think as I got older, I started to understand, hey man. You start to become more aware of yourself, I think. You know what I mean? And aware of those around you. And for everybody who was around me at that time, I can understand. I might have been a lot. I might have been a lot. There's pluses and minuses to being aware of yourself and what's going on, kind of like what we were talking about.

Just a second before we hit record, I had some headphones on and I said, "Let me take these headphones off real quick so I don't talk like I have podcast voice" because when you put the headphones on... What'd you say they said to you?

Amena Brown:

They told me my first time in the studio, I put the headphones on, they were like, "Can we get another take?" Because they said I sounded like a smooth jazz radio host.

Matt Owen:

Can you give us a taste?

Amena Brown:

I think it probably sounded something like, "Well, in my life, when I'm thinking about certain things, when I really contemplate the meaning of life," which is really not what I would sound like, conversationally.

Matt Owen:

Nah.

Amena Brown:

You would never do that if you were talking with your friends or hanging out or whatever.

Matt Owen:

Just being regular.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. It can be easy in podcast space to get to that voice, so we try very hard here not to give you that. Plus in the living room, we don't have use for those voices.

Matt Owen:

I also do think that with the advent of camera phones, we are all much more aware of ourselves than maybe we were at one point in time. And probably some for the better. Some things, it'd probably be good to be aware of. You know what I mean?

Amena Brown:

Right, that's true.

Matt Owen:

Know some things about yourselves, some tendencies or whatever it is, but now it's like, "Oh, I got to hold my chest and tuck my chin in this weird way and smile this weird way so you don't see." Man, I'm 44 years old. I'm going to be 45 in September, but let's just keep this thing going. I'm just going to be the age I am and talk the way I talk.

Amena Brown:

Exactly.

Matt Owen:

And anyways, I did take the headphones off though because...

Amena Brown:

That's true. No headphones here, everyone. We're both headphones-less.

Matt Owen:

This is not a smooth jazz podcast coming up on the eights.

Amena Brown:

I don't know if there's such a thing as gravel jazz.

Matt Owen:

Gravel jazz!

Amena Brown:

I don't know what this would call it that we're doing, but it is not smooth jazz.

Matt Owen:

Oh, yeah.

Amena Brown:

So today in our road stories epithets that we hope to give you all, we wanted to center on the food, which honestly, outside of the fact that we were getting paid and we were on the road, and I, like anyone, enjoy getting paid, I miss that part of the road, although we are now getting paid just to not be on the road as much. I miss that part, but I do miss the food part more because we got to travel to some cities and eat really, really good.

First of all, I feel like it took me some time professionally to get to a point where I felt that I could ask for a better travel schedule. So I feel like my first few years on the road, everything was chaos. But that felt kind of rockstar for a little while, you know?

Matt Owen:

Yeah. Because you had to get up and go. You had that early morning flight, you get up, catch that flight, you fly in just in time to do the sound check, go out there, do your thing, got to catch a quick nap before you catch that early flight back. You're in and out. Yep.

Amena Brown:

Everything, everything. So I think that felt rockstar for a little while until it didn't, until it started feeling like... Especially once your road schedule started filling in more, and then for us, because we weren't artists, whether we were solo artists when we did our solo things or when we traveled together performing, we both were both/and artists.

We have some artist friends that they never do gigs in the morning, ever. All their gigs are at night. Whether they're in a band or they DJ or whatever their art is, their things happen at night. So you don't see those people before noon or 1:00 PM. They don't take gigs at that time.

But both of us have had the experience in our artistic lives of having to be both/and artists where we had to do night gigs, and sometimes the next day had to be up in the morning for some nine-to-five, could be a corporate gig. We had to go. I mean, I know that's happened when we were on the road. You had to do a gig out of town, then you had to fly back in because you had a corporate client in Atlanta. You had to be there for their setup. We did conference world, right?

Matt Owen:

Conference work where you are DJing at eight in the morning.

Amena Brown:

Yikes.

Matt Owen:

And you're stepping up to your turn turntables and somebody's looking at you like, "Don't you dare. Don't you dare mmst mmst mmst me at eight in the morning."

Amena Brown:

Please don't mmst me.

Matt Owen:

I am not here for your mmst mmst mmst.

Amena Brown:

People don't want to be mmsted. First of all, this is the truth of it. When you're in a corporate environment or in a church environment, these two groups of people, it's rare that these people want to mmst mmst at all, not to mention in the morning, right?

Matt Owen:

Oh, man.

Amena Brown:

But when Matt is DJing in nightlife, people came to a venue, a bar, a place to have a good time. They mmst me till the cows come home. But we would go into some other spaces where they indeed did not want to have a good time specifically.

Matt Owen:

No.

Amena Brown:

So I think a part of the lesson that I feel like I learned that I had to start doing when I was traveling by myself and then that we had to incorporate when we were traveling together was realizing just because the gig is at 10:00 doesn't mean that we need to let them book us the 6:00 AM flight and be up at 3:00 AM so we can get to the airport by 4:00 and slide right in. I think we both have had to learn how to give ourselves more margin and time, start flying in the night before, start giving ourselves a little more time.

So at first, we were doing that for our own sakes as an element of self-care, but then it also turned out to be more fun in some of the cities we went to.

Matt Owen:

Right, yeah.

Amena Brown:

Because then you didn't just breeze through Chicago, for example, and miss out on all the food that's there.

Matt Owen:

You're enjoying a city. You're getting to know a city by its food and by its art and whatever the scene is there in that city, yeah.

Amena Brown:

I think one of the things that I miss the most about not being on the road now like we were pre-pandemic is I missed the traveling. But I think what I figured out now that we've had... We've done a little bit of traveling for gigs and otherwise, but I think what I realize now is that I miss the traveling, but maybe not all of the hustle and bustle of the gigs as much. And so that did kind of bring to my mind, and I think we've tried to practice this a little bit more now when we travel, actually going places just because we want to go to that city. Even if we go there and have some meetings or something, but we want to actually enjoy the city and not feel in a rush.

So we wanted to run down for y'all a few of our favorite food cities that we've traveled to. I do want to start with Chicago, which-

Matt Owen:

That's my favorite.

Amena Brown:

To be fair, you all have heard some tales about Chicago already because we told y'all in a previous episode about a not-so-great trip to Chicago. But I think we alluded that we were going to come back to you, Chicago, because that trip did not go great, but we had a lot of other subsequent trips that went amazing.

Matt Owen:

Yeah. More than made up for itself, for sure.

Amena Brown:

First of all, Chicago pizza. I hear you, New Yorkers. I hear you grumbling in the background. I hear you being like, "Is it pizza?" I've literally heard one of you New Yorkers say to me, "Oh, you had Chicago pizza. You mean lasagna?" And I'm not fighting with y'all. I'm not fighting.

Matt Owen:

They're not wrong. Kind of.

Amena Brown:

I'm not fighting with y'all about that. I'm pretty much telling y'all that I am eating the pizza in Chicago and New York. But we going to talk about Chicago pizza first. New Yorkers, we're going to get to y'all. Okay? Don't worry about it. We'll get to y'all because I'm not giving no votes today on who got the best pizza?

Chicago pizza, it's delicious. It's delicious. Lou Malnati's? Delicious. Giordano's, we also had. I feel like there's another one. Oh, Gino's East.

Matt Owen:

Yeah, that was the first one we went to.

Amena Brown:

Oh, okay.

Matt Owen:

That was the first one. And then Lou Malnati's, that was the one that I learned the hard way that it's not Illuminati's Pizza because I was walking out the hotel and I asked the guy at the door, I said, "Hey man, which way to Illuminati's Pizza?" And boy, they had a good laugh at me.

Amena Brown:

That was pretty funny.

Matt Owen:

Yeah, they got me.

Amena Brown:

I was like... Because you said it to me one time, and if you're hearing "Illuminati's" really fast, your brain replaces it with what you're assuming it is, which is Lou Malnati's. So I think you said it to me and I was like, "What did he just say?"

And then y'all, the other thing y'all can't see because we're on audio right now, is my husband has a very good straight face also. I feel like over the years of our marriage, he's learned to alert me or let me know when he's being funny, but I'm pretty sure through at least the first two years of us being married, there was a lot of times that he was being funny and I did not know he was being funny because he was straight-facing me.

So in the moment he said "Illuminati's" the first time, I looked at him and he didn't look back at me like he was saying anything funny to me. So I was like, "I think he meant to say something funny and he just letting it lie with me." So when we got outside the hotel and he said it and they were like, "What'd you say?" I was like, "Oh my gosh. I thought he was playing."

Matt Owen:

You know, I also, being the Southern man that I am, I do have a bit of an annunciation problem. It's just one long word with no syllables, nothing in there. And so I just might have just slammed it all together. My bad, y'all. Lou Malnati's is delicious.

Amena Brown:

Delicious. Love that, love that.

We also have had some friends, shout out to our friends who live in Chicago, we had some friends actually send us Chicago pizza because there's one of the pizza restaurants there that you can ship it to friends that don't live there.

Matt Owen:

Yeah, that's incredible.

Amena Brown:

And it came to us frozen and it was a little personal one and all we had to do was put it in the oven. Y'all. Yes, yes to Chicago pizza.

Matt Owen:

Technology at its finest.

Amena Brown:

I went to Chicago. I think we went to Chicago a couple of times and only ate the pizza, never had time to both eat the pizza and the hotdogs. So we finally were able to make time to go to Portillo's. And y'all know that I went a lot of years without eating hotdogs because of what we discussed about food poisoning in a previous episode. So y'all know it took me some years to heal up from that before I could even approach a hotdog. So that's probably also why we went to Chicago but didn't eat hot dogs.

Matt Owen:

Right. That makes sense.

Amena Brown:

But one time we went and we got there early enough before the gig that we had time to eat two meals because once you get in the building, especially if you are there for a conference or for a church thing, once you get in the building, you're pretty much stuck with whatever the food is that they have here.

Matt Owen:

Yeah. Whatever the craft services table is, whatever.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. And Matt using craft services there is him being very kind to some of these places that we were. This food here, this ain't what you want. When you're in a food city, you're typically not getting that at the event.

Matt Owen:

Nah.

Amena Brown:

So we came in early, got our Chicago pizza.

Matt Owen:

Baked chicken with the kind of painted on brown [inaudible 00:16:22]

Amena Brown:

Listen guys, no. Y'all know what them green beans look like. Y'all know when I said them green beans, y'all know. Y'all know what they is.

So we went to Portillo's and I have to say, even honestly the Chicago hot dog I had that gave me food poisoning was delicious.

Matt Owen:

It was.

Amena Brown:

It did not give me any indication that it was going to make me sick like that.

Matt Owen:

Nah, that one snuck up on us because it was great.

Amena Brown:

So we went to Portillo's and I felt really had the true experience. I mean, the little poppy seeds on the hotdog bun.

Matt Owen:

Amazing.

Amena Brown:

I'm going to let y'all know that Chicago hotdogs inspired me to buy celery salt for my own house. Do y'all understand? Matt and I actually did a date night one night where we tried to make Chicago hotdogs at home.

Matt Owen:

We tried it.

Amena Brown:

We did a date night in. I specifically-

Matt Owen:

We did okay.

Amena Brown:

It wasn't so bad. I mean, part of it is you ain't got... It's the same to me as Philly, which we'll get to in a minute, but it's the same as trying to redo a hoagie. It's like some of it is the bread that is native to there in Philly. And I do think the hot dogs in Chicago are the same. But we tried it. But that celery salt? I put that shit on everything.

Is there any other foods you can remember? Because I know we're going to talk coffee in a second, but any other food that you can remember from Chicago? I don't know why-

Matt Owen:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

Yes?

Matt Owen:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

Okay?

Matt Owen:

Okay. First of all, I don't know if you want to talk about the Girl & the Goat.

Amena Brown:

Oh, we do need to talk about the Girl & the Goat. Okay, okay.

Matt Owen:

But before we talk about the Girl & the Goat, the first time we couldn't get into the Girl & the Goat. We didn't understand the level of what type of reservations you needed to make, so we had to go to the Little Goat Diner.

Amena Brown:

Come on. Come on and bring that, yes.

Matt Owen:

And I've still got a picture somewhere of this sandwich that I got from there. It was a burger that had lamb on top of meat, on top of pork. It was three or four-stacks high. It was... Still to this day, that might have been the best thing I've ever ate in my life.

Amena Brown:

I am so glad that you brought this up because that's one of the things I love about Chicago as a food city is that you have some, I don't know how to describe it, but because to me it's still... We're always joking about the word gourmet. I think in Chicago, all of the food could be considered gourmet, but you have what would be considered your street food that you could eat in Chicago, your pizza, hotdogs, tacos, things like that that, that are typically not breaking the bank for you, but they're amazing. But then in Chicago, you also have some really amazing chefs who have restaurants there and you're getting to experience that.

I want to shout out Stephanie. Stephanie, I think, Izard? I'm trying to confirm if that is correct, but I know her first name's Stephanie and I know I found out about her from watching Top Chef. Shout out to any of you who are Top Chef fans listening. And so she was on my list for that reason because I think if I'm remembering right, she was the first woman to ever win Top Chef.

So we were very determined and we were like, "Oh no, we can't get in the Girl & the Goat," because apparently at that time, you had to have reservations way, way, way in advance. And then we were like, "Oh, well, I guess we can go to the Little Goat Diner," and boy!

Matt Owen:

Was not disappointed.

Amena Brown:

Oh, Little Goat was delicious! I think we actually went back to Chicago and went to the Little Goat Diner on purpose after that.

Matt Owen:

Yeah, that sandwich was that good.

Amena Brown:

It was so good!

Matt Owen:

I'm still thinking about it.

Amena Brown:

Also, the french fries were-

Matt Owen:

Yeah, it's like duck fat or something.

Amena Brown:

Either soaked in beef fat?

Matt Owen:

Maybe that's what it is.

Amena Brown:

Or they were cooked? Whatever it was, y'all, normally I would not necessarily ask for anything that was soaked in beef fat or whatever fat it was, but I'm going to tell y'all right now, that french fry threatened to change my life.

Matt Owen:

Let me tell you, I'm really full right now because Amena woke up this morning, decided she wanted pancakes because she's had to deprive herself of some good food. So we went out and got pancakes this morning and she could only eat one, so I ate the other two. So I'm over here full, but I would eat that sandwich and those fries, full as I am.

Amena Brown:

Boy. Okay?

Matt Owen:

Amazing.

Amena Brown:

It was so delicious.

Y'all, I'm not going to talk about this very long, but I'm going to tell you, when you get in your 40s, you start having to go get your checkups and get all your blood work monitored and then your doctor come back and be like, "Blood sugar's a little high." So now y'all, y'all know how much I love carbohydrates and I'm basically having to monitor right now in order to help my blood sugars get to a healthy level. I'm having to monitor the carbs that I eat. Y'all, I don't want to monitor that. I just want to eat as much of them as I want to, hence why we are talking about these food cities so that I can live vicariously through our past lives that we had.

Matt Owen:

Oh man, we used to go in and just whatever it was...

Amena Brown:

Enjoy all of it. Please.

Matt Owen:

All the M&Ms in the green room.

Amena Brown:

Okay. All the brownie bites because there was always a little brownie bite in the green room somewhere.

Matt Owen:

Always a brownie bite.

Amena Brown:

From Kroger somewhere, Publix.

Matt Owen:

Coke, remember drinking a whole can of Coke?

Amena Brown:

Oh man, a whole can of Coke, y'all. With a bag of chips and a cookie.

Matt Owen:

What?

Amena Brown:

Man, that was the time.

Matt Owen:

A bag of chips.

Amena Brown:

Also, we ended up back in Chicago close to my birthday for a gig and we still weren't able to get reservations. We tried to get reservations again for the Girl and the Goat and weren't able to get reservations, but I did enough internet sleuthing to discover that if you were there when the Girl & the Goat opened, that they had a certain number of seats that were like first come, first serve. So imagine, y'all, that this restaurant opens at 5:00 and I think we got there at 4:30 and there were already people in line.

Matt Owen:

Yeah, yeah.

Amena Brown:

So we were one of the last people to get the first seats. They had bar seats and then they had a long table that was kind of out on the sidewalk, but sort of their sidewalk patio. And that was my birthday dinner that year that we got to eat at Girl & the Goat. So shout out to Stephanie, yo. You did that, honey. Big shout out to Chicago. That brings me to... Yes?

Matt Owen:

I do have another Chicago edition.

Amena Brown:

Okay. Because yes.

Matt Owen:

This might just be a Chicago episode.

Amena Brown:

Okay.

Matt Owen:

Because we haven't even gotten to the coffee yet.

Amena Brown:

Gotten back to the coffee yet.

Matt Owen:

But I just got to make an addition, that steakhouse we went to.

Amena Brown:

Yo!

Matt Owen:

Uh-huh.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, we do have to talk about this. Maybe this is a Chicago episode because I have forgotten about the good times.

Matt Owen:

And we haven't even gotten to... Chicago also has a food truck scene. Remember the food trucks?

Amena Brown:

Yes, that's true.

Matt Owen:

Oh, but that steakhouse.

Amena Brown:

Gibson's.

Matt Owen:

That one.

Amena Brown:

Gibson's Steakhouse. I feel like in a previous episode, I told y'all about some times I met celebrities. I think I did at That Time I Met a Celebrity episode and I talked about meeting Tasha Smith. So for further background on that, we will put the links to that episode in the show notes. So if you haven't listened to it, you can go back into the archives and listen to this.

But in short, we got a gig in Chicago for... This is another Valentine's Day because we've told y'all a couple of other road stories that were near Valentine's Day. We had a Valentine's Day in Vegas. So we got booked for the suburbs of Chicago on the 15th, I think, of February. So we decided to fly in on the 14th. And our plan was to go... I still think we couldn't get reservations to the Girl & the Goat, so I think we had made reservations for a special prefixed menu they were doing at the Little Goat Diner.

Matt Owen:

I think you're right.

Amena Brown:

Okay. So I randomly ended up getting upgraded to first class and only one of us could sit. And so Matt was like, "You go."

Matt Owen:

Yes, enjoy.

Amena Brown:

So I ended up sitting next to actress, director, comedian Tasha Smith, who is just a wonderful person as you meet her in person, and obviously, she is a hilarious and artful person in all of the work that she has done over the years.

So I meet her on this flight. We have a wonderful chat, a wonderful Black girl chat about what her 40s are like and things that she's learning in her professional life. And I'm just there soaking in all the information.

So right as we're about to get on the plane, she puts her number in my phone and she's like, "It's Valentine's Day. What are you and your husband doing?" And I was like, "Oh, we were going to go eat at this restaurant." She was like, "You need to come eat with me." And she was like, "Ask your husband. Ask your husband."

So as soon as we're exiting the plane, she's like, "Ask your husband and text me." So y'all, just the weirdness of you've met a celebrity now, and she put her number in my phone and was like, "Just text me." That whole thing had me like, "Huh?" So by the time Matt and I meet up after we get out of the plane and I'm like, "Hey. So I was sitting next to Tasha Smith on the flight and she said she wanted us to go to dinner with her on Valentine's Day." And Matt was like, "Oh, yes. Absolutely, yes. We going to cancel them other reservations."

Matt Owen:

Cool.

Amena Brown:

Because he was like, "In what other lifetime are we going to get to sit and have Valentine's Day dinner with Tasha Smith? In what other life?"

Matt Owen:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

So it was kind of snowy and cold.

Matt Owen:

It was, you're right.

Amena Brown:

And we were staying... I feel like we must have been staying not far from where that place was. I really can't remember now, y'all, what we were doing.

Anyway, she gave us the address for the restaurant, which for those of you that aren't from Chicago, Gibson's is an old-school, classic, really, really great steakhouse in Chicago.

Matt Owen:

Pictures of all the celebrities covering the wall, lots of Michael Jordan pictures on the wall. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

And it was packed obviously because it was literally Valentine's Day. Okay?

So we walk in there to hang out with Tasha and two of her friends. And y'all, first of all, the slight anxieties that you have when you're eating with people who are not in your tax bracket.

Matt Owen:

I don't know. I can run, I can jog a little bit, but I don't know if I can run like you.

Amena Brown:

It's a lot because when you're with people who are outside of your tax bracket, there's a lot of ordering without money considerations. There's a lot of them being like, "Oh, you have to try this." So when the waiter comes, you didn't get a word in. They were like, "Oh, we going to have this and this."

Matt Owen:

"We're going to get a bottle of this."

Amena Brown:

"Let's try this. Oh, they have to taste that." And they'll ask the waiter, "Don't you recommend such and such?" And the waiter will say, "Oh, yes." They'll say, "Yes, and those." So before you know it, five or six dishes got ordered, all of them-

Matt Owen:

"Um, so we going to... I'm kind of..."

Amena Brown:

You're looking forward to trying it but you're like, "Uh..." So Matt and I just look at each other and I can tell by the look in our eyes, we've just decided.

Matt Owen:

We all in.

Amena Brown:

If this whole thing gets split evenly among us, this is what we're doing.

Matt Owen:

Go for it.

Amena Brown:

This is our time for a treat.

Matt Owen:

It's an opportunity.

Amena Brown:

Okay. So Tasha is mainly vegetarian. She's pescitarian sometimes. So we had a little bit of seafood dishes. But you ordered a steak, right?

Matt Owen:

Yeah because it was a steakhouse. And I'm pretty sure I... Because usually, I like to find out, when you're with vegetarians... But she did invite us to a steakhouse. You know what I'm saying? So there was some conversation about it. It's cool. She's doing it for these reasons, whatever.

So yeah, I was like, "Uh, steaks." And you know, growing up, you grow up. Shout out to the Sizzler, people growing up going to Sizzler

Amena Brown:

Come on, shout-out to Sizzler.

Matt Owen:

And then there was a certain time of my life that you upgrade to Longhorn. You're like, "Okay, Longhorn." And then I lived in Dallas for a while and they had some nice steakhouses out there, you know what I'm saying? So you end up at some steakhouses, eating some pretty decent pieces of beef, you know what I mean? And stuff. And you kind of learn the difference between this cut and that cut. And you're like, "Okay, I kind of got an idea," and I got to the place where I know that you order the steak medium.

Amena Brown:

It's that.

Matt Owen:

Or if you're at a really nice restaurant, you go ahead and go for that medium-rare, or if you're adventurous, I am, go for that rare. So I've kind of crept down the line of learning how to order, but I wasn't prepared for this place. They brought out some pieces of meat and you got to go, "Oh yeah, I'll take that." You're looking at these very thick cut, very... It looked like a little wood thing full of just art pieces. And you're like, "Oh, that's beautiful," without all the way understanding. I asked a few questions and tried to navigate my way through it, but I was like, "I'll take that one."

That was my first experience of something like that. But you know, you try to act like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's common. Yeah. Cool. Oh, you brought it out to me? Yes, I will have that one. Thank you. Normal things."

Amena Brown:

Definitely try to act like you've been places. It's very hard to act like you've been places when you're someplace where you ain't been.

Matt Owen:

You know, I still keep a thing in the back of my head as the voice of my mother in the grocery store going, "Don't you embarrass me."

Amena Brown:

That's it.

Matt Owen:

That time when you're acting up as a little kid and you're asking for all the toys in the grocery store or whatever, the candy, whatever it is, and she's like, "Stop. No. Don't you embarrass me." And you're like, "Oh." And so I just keep that one little voice in the back. Sometimes I don't listen to it, let's be honest. It's there.

Anyway, so ordered the steak, turned out to be the most delicious piece of... It was a fantastic experience, but what was funny even about that was that here it was, what at the time, would've been the most expensive piece of meat I'd ever purchased in my life, and it was so big I couldn't eat all of it in one sitting so had to bring it back to the hotel. Once we get back to the hotel, the level of hotel... Well, I mean, most hotels don't have a full fridge, it just had the little mini fridge.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. That is what's funny about the level of hotel because the nicer the hotel, the less they're going to have a fridge and a microwave. A lower star hotel would have-

Matt Owen:

A fridge.

Amena Brown:

The little fridge and the microwave. So we got back and got to fit your brontosaurus sores steak you got from Gibson's and then Tasha's friend that was with us, it was her birthday dinner.

Matt Owen:

Right, that's right.

Amena Brown:

So she wanted all of us to order cake and the cake was diner size, like if y'all have bitten into those diner-size pieces of cake.

Matt Owen:

It was a multilayer piece of cake. Huge.

Amena Brown:

Yikes. So imagine us going back to this room, and I don't remember what you did with that steak in the morning, or if you just ate it cold.

Matt Owen:

I remember.

Amena Brown:

What did you do?

Matt Owen:

No, I remember because I remember first of all, putting it in that mini-fridge and being like, "Even the amount of piece of meat left is still more costly than this fridge it's sitting in." And I know that I put it on a little... I think I put it on a napkin. I might have put it on a couple napkins because I didn't want to put the styrofoam, because it was one of those styrofoam... You can't put that in the microwave. So I put that, but then I remember I put it back into styrofoam and used plastic utensils to cut because I didn't even have a steak knife.

Amena Brown:

Boy, boy.

Matt Owen:

But man, it was good that next day too, the cake, everything. And we had to eat it because we were flying out the next day.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, I think that's right because I think we were, wherever we were staying, we were going to go to the gig because it was like a chapel at a college or something. And then right after that, we were flying out, so we weren't coming back to the hotel. So I just remember us scarfing down cake for breakfast and you eating your steak. I forgot that you warmed it up on a napkin. That's hilarious.

Okay, well this gives us a good space to talk about coffee. So let's talk about coffee in Chicago. What were your coffee discoveries?

Matt Owen:

Growing up, coffee was always my dad's drink, so I was never into it. I was more of a sweet tea and Kool-Aid man myself. And so I remember-

Amena Brown:

Something about "Sweet tea and Kool-Aid man myself" is hilarious. It sounds dignified. It sounds like if someone's like, "Oh no, not merlot for me. I'm a cabernet."

Matt Owen:

See?

Amena Brown:

"I'm more of a sweet tea Kool-Aid man myself."

Matt Owen:

But if you say it confident and with a straight face and don't let nobody know you're joking, they're like, "Oh, that's slick." Then they run it back in their mind, they're like, "Wait."

Amena Brown:

They're like, "Wait a minute. What?"

Matt Owen:

"What'd he say? What'd you say?"

So anyways, I remember in my 20s, friends started getting jobs at Starbucks. So you're there, let me try it. Okay. And then you're going to the late-night diners with your friends because you're old enough to stay out and all that stuff. So I got to where I was pouring the sugar, all the sugar in there, all the milk, all the everything.

And then the more we were traveling, the more I started tasting really good coffee. And Chicago was one of those cities. Intelligentsia is a wonderful coffee roaster in Chicago that I started seeing it more and more. When I would see that logo somewhere, I'd be like, "Let's go."

And most of those coffee shops started getting into the... They are more of what you would think of as the snooty coffee shops, which still to this day, there's a couple of industries where you're typically not going to come across someone who's excited to see you. One being audio tech, sound, people in the... They're running sound for live events. And I get it, you got a lot of things coming at you. I got you.

So I've learned over the years, I'm going to be as nice to you as possible and as warm to you, and I'm going to have as much conversation as you want to have because you got a lot going on. And usually, personality-wise, you gotta keep it moving, bro. And so cool. I will. Because I'm an extrovert. I talk to everybody. And the other people, service industry, I've learned that about would be coffee baristas.

Amena Brown:

Nah, player.

Matt Owen:

I don't understand that one as much. Maybe it's all day long, you're on your feet, you're tired. I'm sure there's a reason. But it seems to be that it's especially the better of a coffee spot it is, the less of a conversation it is. Don't you walk in here talking about no venti grande-

Amena Brown:

Oh, you will be shunned right now. I have been shunned in a coffee shop asking for a tall.

Matt Owen:

Do not.

Amena Brown:

The barista literally just stared at me until I embarrassed myself. No!

Matt Owen:

Do not walk in there and order a macchiato.

Amena Brown:

No.

Matt Owen:

And wonder why it is not big like the macchiato is at Starbucks. Why is it so small? Because the macchiato is actually... But you learn those things and I am pretty sure that those Intelligentsia coffee shops were the ones where you walk in and you basically, you have a few things you can order and there's not really modifications.

And so I think walking into those coffee shops and ordering just coffee, I started learning, oh, that's what coffee from this region tastes like. Oh, that's what coffee from this region tastes like. That's right.

And then flash forward to us going to the Dominican Republic that time and we're up in the mountains and planting coffee beans and seeing how it's done and drinking, how they made it in that big pot. And it's amazing. That whole journey of just getting to where now I just really love coffee. It's part of my daily, the one thing in my day that's probably the same because everything in my day could be totally different from one day to the next, but the one thing about most of my days is I'm going to start out with a good cup of coffee, and Intelligentsia, yeah.

Amena Brown:

Shout out to that. Let's do a quick round of coffee city shout-outs, and then we going to come back in another episode and tell y'all more about some other cities, but other cities that you can remember, cities or places because some of the places I'm like, "I can't remember the exact cities we were in always," but some other places you would say deserve the coffee shout-out. We talked about Chicago. Where else?

Matt Owen:

Portland.

Amena Brown:

Portland, Oregon deserves the coffee shout-out. Stumptown.

Matt Owen:

Mm-hmm. I will say DC.

Amena Brown:

Yo!

Matt Owen:

I found some really good coffee in DC along the way in the DMV area. I will say of Texas, Austin.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, agreed.

Matt Owen:

Austin.

Amena Brown:

Agreed.

Matt Owen:

Atlanta has really become a great coffee-

Amena Brown:

Yeah, that's true.

Matt Owen:

I mean, Portrait? Whoa. I really love their work.

Amena Brown:

Perc?

Matt Owen:

Perc.

Amena Brown:

That's good coffee too.

Matt Owen:

Perc is one of my favorite spots. If you going to meet me and grab a cup of coffee in the ATL, we probably going to Perc. You know what I mean?

Amena Brown:

Yo, Hodgepodge in Atlanta is definitely-

Matt Owen:

Hodgepodge.

Amena Brown:

Urban Grind.

Matt Owen:

Urban Grind! On the BeltLine now.

Amena Brown:

So many things.

Matt Owen:

That's what I'm saying. Now you can't not say ATL.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Matt Owen:

Already said the Dominican Republic. But when we went to Costa Rica, I know it's not a city, but when we went to Costa Rica, that's where I really fell in love with the pour-over, which is my... I use a Chemex now and the pour-over has become my go-to coffee now.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. And for a while, I was traveling back and forth to Rwanda a lot with an organization I was partnering with there.

Matt Owen:

Yes, oh, cool.

Amena Brown:

And so Matt never got to go with me, but Rwanda is a huge location to be getting amazing coffee, just amazing farmers out there, amazing coffee roasting. So when we would be getting ready to go to the airport, our friends that were with us from the organization would drive us up to where this particular coffee roaster was and we would get the bag when it was still warm. I would bring it home like that to Matt because I'm not... I'm on the other side of the coffee situation where I'm like, "Yes, I would like a little bit of coffee with my raspberry swirls and whip and whatever graham cracker stuff." I want all the other stuff with a little bit of coffee.

Matt Owen:

Can there be less coffee in my cup?

Amena Brown:

That's my vibe. So I would bring home those coffee beans for Matt.

So my hope is that as we continue on in our life, that we can go to most of the coffee epicenters in the world and get a chance to travel around and taste coffee, as far as where it's grown there, as well as being able to taste the places that have really innovated into how coffee is brewed and how it gets made and the flavors and all that. So that's on our travel bucket list.

Matt Owen:

Yes, it is.

Amena Brown:

Love to see it. All right, well we got some more food stuff to talk about with y'all, so come back next week and listen to us regale you with other amazing food things to do when you travel.

Matt Owen:

Next time.

Amena Brown:

See y'all soon.

HER With Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 108

Amena Brown:

Hey, y'all. Welcome back to a new episode of HER with Amena Brown and I'm excited to have my husband and producer back in the living room with us so that we can get into a few more road stories.

Matt Owen:

Okay.

Amena Brown:

Shenanigans.

Matt Owen:

Oh, okay. That's my type of carrying on. You call me in here for the right reason.

Amena Brown:

Okay. So we picked out three or four moments that we can't decide if they're funny, if they're weird or if they are unfortunate or some combination of. I want to start with a gig that we did in Birmingham, Alabama.

Matt Owen:

Which definitely fills all three of those buckets.

Amena Brown:

That's a good point actually. It was weird, it was funny, it was unfortunate. And we were working with an organization that had had a moment that quite a few white evangelical organizations had over the years where their leadership had said some things publicly that were causing a lot of problems. And specifically because a person that was in leadership had said some things regarding race publicly that were very offensive.

Matt Owen:

It was my people.

Amena Brown:

Very offensive. So someone in leadership had said something offensive. And in a different podcast episode we may talk to you all about some of the other behind the scenes things that went on there. But for the sake of this being a road story.

Matt Owen:

That's for the meetings and conversations episode.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, because yikes.

Matt Owen:

Because there was meetings and there was conversations.

Amena Brown:

Oh man, there was so many meetings and so many conversations. But suffice it to say we had an opportunity to decide whether or not we were going to still do the gig. And for various sundry reasons at the time we decided to do the gig. And I remember there was another really big name gospel artist who was also brought in to do this gig because the artist was someone that the leadership of the organization knew. They felt that because this artist was very well known and was also Black and Birmingham being a city that also has a lot of Black folks, that there would be a way the event could bring people together in the midst of the fact that they had some leadership that were making some very terrible statements in public.

Matt Owen:

It was part try to do something helpful, part PR move.

Amena Brown:

Oh yeah. Oh yeah, definitely.

Matt Owen:

Large part PR move. Sprinkle a little, let's try to do something helpful.

Amena Brown:

Definitely a sprinkle. I thank you for saying sprinkle because I was about to say just a small amount, but I feel sprinkle is more of the accuracy.

Matt Owen:

Yes, enough.

Amena Brown:

It's definitely more of the accuracy. And I do want to say before we get into the, what is the funny part? Because I guess this is the part we're telling you that is the unfortunate part of it, is as you go on in your life and you learn the different things that you stand for, and I think for us it's learning not just the things we stand against, but the things we stand for. And I think also when you're growing up in church settings and also have spent a lot of the time of your youth, like your twenties and different things in church settings, there's just a whole lot of things that you let skate by.

Matt Owen:

You don't want to ask no questions.

Amena Brown:

That as you get older you realize these are things that you would not let skate by. So if you were asking Matt and Amena of today, if this exact situation were to happen all over again, I'm pretty sure that when those people came to us and said, "We give you the option to do the gig or not, we probably would've been like, no, thank you."

Matt Owen:

That's all I know.

Amena Brown:

I don't even want my name anywhere near any of this. No, thank you. But truthfully, at the time I think our minds were along the lines of some other artists that appeared at the same event thinking this terrible moment has happened. How can we help people come together? How can we help people continue doing their healing word, et cetera. And I don't judge us for having made that choice at all. But I think we have a little more wisdom behind us now to know that there are times that you are doing things to, "help people come together." But sometimes people in leadership use that language because they don't want to be held accountable for the things they say and do.

Matt Owen:

Yeah. Also have learned that money spends way too fast.

Amena Brown:

Boy.

Matt Owen:

And all money ain't good money. So just because somebody's paying you money, which you've talked about a lot on this podcast, that being an independent artist, being a young person doing something, when someone says, "I will pay you money to do this thing." You're like, "Really? You will pay me money. I've been doing this thing for free forever... Money and then pay some bills' money. Oh, wow." But once that money's gone, then you have time to look back at the thing you were part and be like, "Oh, there's got to be another way to make money." And that's the truth, is that there's always another way to make money.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Big facts. So that's that. Hopefully at some other point we will come back and tell you all some of those.

Matt Owen:

I also do think along the lines of what you were talking about, of looking back at it differently, there is a time most of us who grew up going to family events.

We were sitting at the kids' table and so the grownups were having a grownup conversations. We were at the kids' table. And for those of us who came up in the church, especially as artists and musicians, there's a lot of good that comes from that because immediately you've got a crowd in front of you and you've got instruments and you've got all programming and you've got all these things to figure out that formulates into you flash forward to you're standing on some large stage. Well that's the journey that started on that really tiny thing. But in the church family setting, when you're the musician, you're kind of sitting at the kids' table, you know what I mean? And so you don't really ask a lot of questions sometimes you're not even aware of what's going on.

Nowadays it's different, now than what it used to be. There was churches I played at where you were on the stage the whole time because you never knew when that pastor was going to kick into the "do do do do." You never knew when it was going to come for you a couple of times, so you might as well just stay there. Now you can go out there, play your music, and then go sit and you don't even know what they're talking about out there.

Amena Brown:

Right, right.

Matt Owen:

Flash forward to some of these large settings that we are performing in, like this one where you're in an arena and everyone has their own green room dressing room. There's common area where there's food that is for everyone. There's serving dinner, lunch, there's snacks, there's a hangout spot. But for the most part, if you want to be, you can be totally unaware of what's going on. And so you show up, you do your thing and you don't know what's going on. Well this guy happened to say some things on Facebook and they were highly insensitive. Highly unhelpful. And it's one of those moments where I started going, "Oh, just because you have a big platform doesn't mean that you want to be helpful."

So now all of a sudden we find ourselves not necessarily sitting at the grownup table in that we get to decide what this man is going to do. I don't feel like he handled it the right way, but I feel like for us we learned, "Oh, there's a different me and you grown up table." Where we can go, "Oh, what are we going to do?" And we sat down and ate lunch and dinner with all kinds of people helped us navigate it. And like you said, now we probably would even navigate it differently. But at the time we made the right decision based off of what was in front of us to do.

Amena Brown:

Sure. Made the best decision we could in that moment. We would really need a different type of series other than road stories to tell you all, all of the things that go on behind the scenes in this type of situation, but suffice to say-

Matt Owen:

I just talked to my therapist about this very scenario. And this was years ago. That is still got some things tangled up in me, man.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, it was such a moment, man. I feel like what you said there is really important, especially when you're looking back on your choices and decisions. And sometimes in a way too, I think for us, for those of us who are performing artists, I think there's also the element of, to the point of what you were saying about who are considered to be the kids, who are considered to be the people who have power in the situation and who are considered to be the people who don't. And a lot of times as artists, you are sometimes made to feel like you are in a situation where you don't have a lot of power and you have to concede to the people who do. And in some situations I think that is true. But I also think we had to learn over the years to accept the power we do have.

We can't control how the organizations are going to be run. We can't control the choices, the terrible choices, especially in white evangelicalism that many people in leadership made. We don't have control over all that, but we get to have control over what we get to stand with or stand beside or stand for how we want to represent ourselves, whose name we want our names to be next to and all of those things. And even aside from the really ignorant story we trying to tell y'all, we made some subversive choices in how we both performed our art that particular night because there were some things related to the organization and how the leadership handled that. That even in our efforts to try to bring people together and make people feel welcome, we still wanted to make it known, we don't rock with all this. So I can look back on us now and see the beginnings of us sort of taking our power back.

But I think that's really important to consider when you're in a situation where you feel like you're at the kids table, you may actually have more power than you think, to be able to use your voice and use your art and use whatever you have access to. So this brings me to this moment has come now in Birmingham, we are in an arena. I mean y'all, this arena probably seats somewhere between 14 and 18,000 people. This is a huge facility here. And Matt is the house DJ for the event and I am MCing. And then we had a couple of times in the show that we performed together in between the other acts. Okay, so Matt is DJing as people are coming into the arena. So you probably had anywhere from an hour to 90 minutes of a set.

Matt Owen:

Especially when things are running behind, then it gets put, you got to keep going. And also there was a broadcast element, if I remember correctly. This was one of those events where there was a broadcast element. So you've got the crowd in front of you that you're somewhat playing background music, but my job was to have the people on 10 by the time the first artist hit the stage. So it's me and a crowd for an hour plus and it's my job to get you in but also get you moving. So back then I like to do a lot of call and response with people. I'd yell something or I'd sing something and let the crowd sing it. And then with the broadcast element, someone would have a headset, they're talking with the people in where they were calling the show and they would let me know when I was addressing the broadcast crowd and there'd be certain cameras set up that you'd have to go to.

And so there were a lot of those elements that you were juggling on top of some of the stories that we'll share. Another fun thing about whenever you are DJing in a large venue like this and you are doing call and response type things with a crowd, most times in this case I'm in the middle of the arena, but by the time the sound gets to the audience and then bounces back to me, it's on a whole different beat than what I'm on. So I learned the hard way, you got to get some good headphones and hug them tight because if not, there is no way when you're DJing, you're blending all these records together and beat matching. And then if I'm like everybody say, "Oh." Where it should have just been right after, "Oh." But I've got to stay on beat. And man, it was a lot to learn. It was a lot to juggle on top of the fact that there was a lot we had to juggle.

Amena Brown:

For sure. I'm trying to set the scene for you all to understand that this organization, we were booked for six events with them over a two-year period. So by the time this Birmingham event came, we probably had done about half of the events. They had this stage set up for Matt in the center of the arena. So a lot of these arenas were set up hockey arenas where you had the arena seating, but then you had the large bottom of the arena where typically would've been the ice and all. But instead it was just the flooring and that was all standing room only, so people could come down actually to the floor of the arena to see the acts up close if they wanted to. So Matt is set up in the center of that. Now we learn the hard way through the first couple of events that people want to go up to Matt and talk to him during his DJ set.

And I'm talking about, he's on a setup where you can't just literally walk up to him, you got to walk down to the floor, you got to walk up stairs because he was on a elevated stage in the center of the arena. So you have to walk up the stairs to get to him. And I would typically be backstage working on something else or talking to people or whatever. And I realized this event in particular, I was going to have to stay out there during his DJ set to keep people from walking up there to talk to him. You have no idea what manner of things. People could be saying. Sometimes people have requests, sometimes people are there and they don't even go to church stuff. So they're requesting stuff from Matt that he can't play at this thing.

Matt Owen:

Not this thing. Just next weekend. I got you.

Amena Brown:

And then sometimes people will come up with very obscure requests for things, and he's like-

Matt Owen:

Philosophies.

Amena Brown:

I don't know what that's about. And then sometimes just him DJing brought up memories from them. A lot of back in my day I used to DJ stories that people want to tell them at.

Matt Owen:

I get that a lot.

Amena Brown:

So in Birmingham, I decided to just stand out there. I think they put security after a couple of dates.

Matt Owen:

I do think I remember that they put some stanchions around and then there was security at some places because some places the crowd I remember got really close. And also if I remember correctly, they didn't have an actual DJ booth or I've had to set up my DJ gear in some weird spots. But if I remember correctly, it was one of those big road cases.

Amena Brown:

Yep, that's right.

Matt Owen:

But it wasn't the road case, that was being used for something else. They had taken the lid, the flimsy lid from the road case, sat it on side and put some plywood on top, and I think taped it all together. So I remember a couple of cities where it was getting pretty rowdy down there, which is that's how I like to do. And so they're down there with me, I'm with them going, but I'm looking, I'm like, "Oh, I'm about to lose it all." We are at the edge right now and one of the city, Toronto maybe, big break-dance circle popped up, remember, because Toronto has a really cool hip hop scene and you looked out like, "Oh cool." But as the circle kept getting bigger and bigger and so I think they started adding the stanchions, the ropes around and some security.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, I want to tell y'all that it depended on the city if that security was reliable.

Matt Owen:

If they were paying attention?

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Some cities, people were very vigilant about making sure you don't walk right up. Other people didn't really understand what's the purpose of them being security. So I think sometimes they thought like, "Oh, they must want this here so people don't walk away with his equipment." We need security there so people will stop walking up the steps and talking to the DJ while the DJ is DJing. Okay, so.

Matt Owen:

It's a pretty funny phenomenon.

Amena Brown:

So I decided on this Birmingham date that I was going to stay out there and just watch. So there was security right by the stage where Matt was, and I was also on the floor, but I was standing a little further away and I see this older white woman, she, had to be close to the age of both of our grandmothers, probably in her seventies and her eighties silver hair. I see her walking very slowly towards the stage and I'm like, "I'm going to go ahead and circumvent this." So I walk over to her and I'm like, "Hey, is there something I can help you with?" And she's like, "I got to talk to him right now." And I was like, "Okay." I said, "Why don't you tell me what you were going to tell him and I'll make sure the message gets to him."

"Well I've been upstairs and I've been praying because a group of us are here praying." And I said, "Umm-hmm." And she said, "And I just feel that he's playing this music and this music is going to wake up all the demons in Birmingham." Now I want you all to know that since this time my comedic brain is turned on at a level that is very different from the level it was on then. Because if me today had had that conversation, I would've been like, "Honey, you think him playing this music is what's going bring back all the demons in Birmingham, honey, listen, some of the demons are here alive girl. What you mean what you mean?"

Matt Owen:

That demon of racism was real comfortable. He's walking around drinking a soda.

Amena Brown:

I'm like, the demons is awake out here. I don't know what you mean. I literally had to, "Umm-hmm. Yes ma'am," her all the way back to her seat. I said, "Well you know what, since you all were already praying, I think that's the best thing for you to do. You just keep on praying for him and just pray for everybody at your seat though at your seat." She said, "Okay, but all the demons in Birmingham." At your seat. Yes ma'am. Directly at your seat you all. Yikes.

Matt Owen:

It is so interesting, like you said, because people come up to me to talk to me and sometimes they don't all the way have it together what they want to talk to me, even if they're requesting a song. And so it still happens to me now I don't work nearly as much in the faith-based event side, which has its own kind of interesting thing to it because in a faith-based environment, I am there to keep the energy up, get people engaged and motivated. But the main thing that people love about music is familiarity. Ooh, that's my song. You can't utilize that in a faith-based environment because of what we deem secular versus what we deem sacred and however you draw those lines, and this lady clearly had a line drawn.

Amena Brown:

This lady probably didn't know that a lot of what Matt was spinning was air quotes Christian music by Christian artists.

Matt Owen:

I'm remixing whoever the Christian artist of that day is. Also using a lot of just instrumental music. A lot of it was music that I was making myself and just working it out as we were on the road. And so it's always interesting when someone approaches me, I can always tell when someone's walking up to me and they've got kind of this sheepish look on their face like, "Hey, I don't want to bother you, but I'm going to bother you." And now what happens to me live is people will say, "Do you take song requests?" And my immediate responses depends on what it is.

Amena Brown:

If you got a bad request then no.

Matt Owen:

Nah, no, no. And I've got my ways of handling that, working around that. But in an environment that was interesting because I would have someone approach me and be like, "Hey, is this Christian music?" And it would be absolutely instrumental. And I learned the best answer was just to say, yeah. It would happen at the merch table. I think we've talked about this. I had an all instrumental CD that I was selling at the time, and I would have people ask me, is it Christian music? And I would try to be like, "Well, but it's instrumental. There's no words on it's all just instrument, but is it Christian?" And so I learned that, oh okay, you just need to know is this safe? Yes. So when people would come up to me asking me, "Is this music Christian?" I would just say, yes. Because I realize what you're asking me, is this safe for the whole family? The answer is yes. You're not going to hear the things that you didn't show up here to hear. I get it. I DJ in nightlife entertainment where they show up and people will walk up to me. I've been at a wedding and somebody walked up to me and said, "Hey, what's your nastiest song?" I'm like, "Whose cousin is this?" Who invited-

Amena Brown:

It's not your wedding.

Matt Owen:

Who invited this guy?

Amena Brown:

It's not even your wedding.

Matt Owen:

It's the wedding. So when something like this happens and someone wants to walk up to you and have a philosophical or a theological conversation, again, remember, I'm in a room to where when I take my headphones off, I've now lost the beat of where I am and it's impossible for me to do my thing what I've been brought here to do. Somebody saw me doing a thing and said, "Yes, you come here, do this." And it's like, if you'll just hang out by the end. Everything ain't for everybody. I get it. But if you hang out, you'll probably have a good time. You might see that some of the things you're worried about. Oh, okay. But there is that element in those environments of we just got to make sure, we got to make sure.

And I get it, because you didn't show up for all that. I get it. I understand there's supply and demand, there's customer service. So I got you. My corporate gigs, when they bring me in, it's because they know that I'm not going to play something that's going to get them in trouble.

Amena Brown:

Sure, sure.

Matt Owen:

I've done gigs for very large corporations where they are the number one soda company in America. Well, at this gig you're not allowed to play anybody who's ever had a deal with the number two soda company in this country. Well that's a lot of people, but they entrust me with that, and by the end I got you. So it is interesting that if someone were to walk up to me and have a conversation and now what do I do now? Do I stop what I'm doing? What is about to change? Someone brought me here. I'm doing what I was brought here to do.

Amena Brown:

But what I was hired to do, what I'm being paid to do.

Matt Owen:

Another thing I is pretty funny that I enjoy about my relationship with Amena is that it's great when having someone else there to see things and experience things that you're like, "Okay, I'm not crazy. That just happened." Okay. And then also because of me and you. There's little things that we grab along the way and it's just a phrase that now lives in our house.

Amena Brown:

Oh, for sure.

Matt Owen:

So something's going to happen, "Hey, careful, you going to wake up all the demons of Birmingham."

Amena Brown:

Like, girl, what you mean?

Matt Owen:

You wilding a little bit. You might wake up them demons.

Amena Brown:

Boy, I tell you.

Matt Owen:

I can't even tell you how many years ago that was. But we have said that phrase so many times and you know what? I'm not even mad at that lady. She added to our little, she add so much joy and laughter in this house.

Amena Brown:

I also love it for both of us that we both have environments where we no longer have to be safe for the whole family. Because that's a pretty hands tying sort of experience for you as an artist, especially as a grown... We are grown people. We are two people in our forties. We have a lot of life that we've experienced, good, bad, ugly, and different, hilarious, whatever it is. And to B, in a lot of Christian spaces where art was only valuable if either A, it fit into the worship category and B, if it got too cool or too "urban" take with that what you will. But if it started getting into those categories for the youth.

Matt Owen:

Yeah, that's the teenagers.

Amena Brown:

But either way, it should be something that if you're 3 years old or you're 300, it's for everybody. And the truth is, there really isn't a lot of things in life. I mean like soap and water apply to you 3 to 300.

Matt Owen:

Honestly that's why DJing weddings is so difficult. Because I had a wedding where someone's maybe four-year old stood by the turntables the whole time and just kept saying, "Old Town Road. Old Town Road." It didn't matter how many times I played Old Town, he wanted to get where I'm going. This little kid, that's all he wanted to hear. And I've got to make you your young cousin dance. I used to ask couples, do you want an all clean DJ set for your dance floor segment or do you want, because some people would want the dirty versions, right? I've stopped offering that because you not going to have me up there playing bleeps and bloops. Okay y'all, why y'all walking up

Amena Brown:

Okay, while you all walking with your hands on your hips.

Matt Owen:

Grandma is going to be disappointed.

Amena Brown:

No. Speaking of disappointed.

Matt Owen:

That's a crazy transition.

Amena Brown:

One of my most hilarious stories of someone's feelings about Matt's DJ sets. We were doing a youth event this time, I can't remember the location actually, that's blurred in me now. But we were doing a youth event.

Matt Owen:

Some city somewhere.

Amena Brown:

Some city somewhere. But it was a big enough event. It had a hashtag and we were studying the feed, we were reading the hashtag feed as the event was going on. And at some point, an adult woman who was there as a chaperone with a group of kids at whatever this youth event was, decided that she needed to tweet her feelings about whatever the music was that she felt you were spinning. I just remember whatever her comment was to you, the last part of it was hashtag disappointed. You all the amount of times that Matt and I still say it to each other, wow. Went to the store and they were out of such and such, hashtag disappointed.

Matt Owen:

I think it was something like, I played just a little bit of teaching me how to Dougie or one of those songs that's like everybody do this dance and if I remember correctly, it was a real short segment. But that right there is why I put in a rule for myself that when I am performing anywhere, do not look at social media. Don't look at it immediately after. Maybe look at it before but not during. Nope. I've got to where Instagram, Twitter, any of those, none of them send me notifications to my phone at all.

Amena Brown:

Same.

Matt Owen:

I turned them off because in these environments you would have the hashtag disappointment. Now I'm supposed to go, there's a place that you have to take yourself to be able to get on stage in front of... This was another, I remember pretty large... at the time we were doing a lot of really large room festival style events. They were large events. And so the place you got to take yourself and now out of how many thousands of people are in front of me, just knowing this one person is so upset, they went on Twitter and hashtag disappointed me.

Amena Brown:

She hashtag disappointed us.

Matt Owen:

I mean, how do you pick yourself up? There's a certain level of confidence that it takes to approach a crowd and do something that makes them feel something and give that energy back to you. And then it's a give and take between you and the audience. So it didn't matter how many people were, "Aahh." Yeah, whenever I said, "Make some noise." And they're like, "Aahh", it didn't matter because this lady was hashtag disappointed and my day was wrecked. There was times where people would go in... They would go through my Instagram feed and there would be, who knows some picture that I put some caption with and they would Jesus juke me somewhere. No, Jesus the only solid rock and roll of, oh whatever, you got me, you win, you out argued me, I'm embarrassed. You know what, I'm shutting it down. I'm not doing this no more. What do you want from me?

Amena Brown:

Which we talked about this a little bit on the previous episode. I can't remember if it was here or Patreon, but we talked about previously just even a conversation, I think this might have been a bonus episode. We were talking about me in talks with a guy who led one of the bigger name Christian Bands at the time and he was very upset about ideas about secular music and blah blah, blah. And here's the thing that I guess we had to learn about ourselves though is for us it's like good music is good music. Now, I mean there's a lot of music that people consider, "Christian," that even though people who are Christian may agree with the message, I don't think based on baseline and groove and songwriting that it's good music. It's not inspiring to me musically.

So I do think it's a weird fragmentation in your brain almost. When we would be in these environments playing songs that are actually good, it's good music, it's good musicianship, it's good songwriting, the music, but people are hashtag disappointed because it doesn't have messaging on it that they agree with or it doesn't say it in the way they're used to it being said. And so I think there are a lot of those elements too where you would be like, but your hashtag disappointed and that was Earth, Wind and Fire. Why are you disappointed?

Matt Owen:

I think I remember also from that Birmingham gig specifically because there was a DJ friend that lived in Birmingham that we had met at a previous thing here in Atlanta and we were like, "Hey, we're in Birmingham." So she took us to her records store that she liked to shop at and I bought some vinyl while we were there.

Amena Brown:

Oh, that's right.

Matt Owen:

And for a soundcheck that night I went in and during soundcheck, I'm spinning... So I'm spinning, I think it was some Earth, Wind, Fire, some Sly and the Family Stone, some James Brown. I was picking up a lot of that. And I remember the sound guy coming to me, "Hey, are you doing something different? Something in the stereo field or something different?" I was like, I'm spinning vinyl. He goes, "Oh, that makes sense." It was good music. Forgot about that.

Amena Brown:

That was one of my favorite things about the road was going to record stores. We went to so many good ones. We'll circle back to that on another episode too. In closing for this episode, I want to bring up one more phrase that always is a weird, funny, unfortunate, and that is the phrase, we have such a young team. I just can't tell y'all the amount of churches, this is a very church specific thing. I didn't hear it as much from organizations.

Matt Owen:

A lot of college ministry,

Amena Brown:

But a lot of churches, especially churches that could be like megachurches, that had a younger pastor who was maybe in his early forties or he was in his thirties or something. It was always this type of church or the type of church that in your city would tell you that it's doing church differently. It was that type of church that we would get there and they would be like, they'd give us the tour of the facility and they'd be like, we have such a young team. And whenever they said it to us, they were very proud.

Matt Owen:

Isn't it cool?

Amena Brown:

So proud. I want to tell you all that whenever we heard that we knew that something in the gig was going to go terribly wrong. It either meant that the creative was going to be great, but when it came time to get the check, no one knew where it was because they have such a young team, no one knows how to do accounting or accounts payable. Sometimes they would say, we have such a young team that meant it was going to be terribly unorganized, that there was going to be no one there to actually make sure the ideas got completed. Sometimes they would say, we have a young team, and that would mean that it was going to be too many things we were going to be asked to do.

Matt Owen:

Oh yeah.

Amena Brown:

At one event

Matt Owen:

They about to make it count.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, they were going to be like, "Oh my gosh, we're so excited to have you guys. Thank you so much. So instead of just performing the one time, we actually all were in a really great brainstorm and we were thinking that since we're going to have morning devotional every morning at 6:30, we were thinking poetry and DJing is a great way to start that. And so we were thinking maybe for three days you guys could just open devotional at 6:30 and then we have our lunch session in the cafeteria and these students really need motivation. And so we were thinking lunch would be also a great time for you guys to share. And then we have a video series that we were hoping you guys could come and do and we set up a set that totally looks like a porch turned into a basketball court. And we were hoping you guys could also do that. Also, our theme is Jesus is the Bread of Life and we were wanting to do a mini cooking show. And we were hoping to see maybe you guys could also bake bread with us and maybe some fish. Oh, loaves. No, that's a totally good idea."

Matt Owen:

We're like, while you're cooking up a beat live on stage?

Amena Brown:

We're like, what are y'all talking about? You are not paying us enough money, number one, for all of these ideas.

Matt Owen:

I'm not that eager.

Amena Brown:

I want to really bring up what you said earlier is when you hear that, when you hear the phrase, we have such a young team, it means the people at the kids table have somehow been left in charge.

Matt Owen:

And a lot of times where the issue would come up would be in housing of where you were going to sleep. Those part of the details that don't involve lights, camera, action. Those are the details that more than likely it's going to be like, because when I was 20, I slept on a lot of couches.

Amena Brown:

Listen, listen. The mattress I was on in my twenties was a hand-me-down from somewhere. So I do want to tell y'all, when you are like high school, college age, it's some things that you would be willing to accept.

Matt Owen:

It felt fun. It was an adventure.

Amena Brown:

You'll be like, "Oh my gosh, this place doesn't have any blinds. All the windows are just open. Let's have a sleepover." You don't think about that. You get to be grown, grown. You have concerns. You have concerns. You're like, I didn't travel all the way here to sleep on a couch, to sleep on a bed that was made for children. We are also two people. Matt is over six feet tall and I'm almost six feet tall, so we can't really be playing no games out here.

Matt Owen:

Feet hanging over.

Amena Brown:

No, I'm a little mattress. So maybe you don't have a young team, maybe try having something intergenerational. Somebody there is going to know about accounts payable. Somebody there is going to know what a good mattress feels like. Somebody there is going to make sure there's food to meet the dietary restrictions. Just we need a mix.

Matt Owen:

At least make sure there's blinds, blinds on the window.

Amena Brown:

Just blinds on the window. That's such a-

Matt Owen:

A simple shower curtain. How many times have we stayed somewhere?

Amena Brown:

No, I swear for God.

Matt Owen:

No blinds, no shower curtain.

Amena Brown:

Nothing. And they were like, "That's okay. See you guys in the morning." What do you think I'm doing? What do you mean?

Matt Owen:

Because I'm going to shower. So you going to get a show.

Amena Brown:

Okay. Because I'm like, if that's the show you all wanted, me and Matt can start our OnlyFans, but we didn't come out here. We didn't come here to such and such camp in the middle of Kentucky or wherever to start our OnlyFans. That's not the thing. Anyways, you all, thanks for joining us for the weird, the funny and the unfortunate. We got some more roast tours for you all, so we'll see you all soon.

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown episode 107

Amena Brown:

Hey everybody. Today, we are going behind the poetry. I wish I had a physical something for that. It feels like it's behind the veil, it's behind a stage curtain, I don't know. But we are going there behind the poetry. For today's poem, we are talking about For Margaret. The cool thing about this recording that you're about to hear is that you are hearing my younger voice around the time that I was actually writing this piece. So this is a recording of For Margaret from my album Live at Java Monkey that was released in 2006. Check it out.

Amena Brown:

Everything I needed to know about being a woman, I learned from Judy Blume and Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. I was 12 years old when I met Margaret, me with the tortoise shell glasses and pink sponge roller bangs. And she was just like me. Well, okay, she was Jewish. So she was quite a bit lighter and her hair was quite a straighter, but we both felt alone in the world trying to figure out what breasts and hips would make us become. And speaking of breasts, I really wanted some. I wanted to fill a training bra to capacity, not that Jockey sports bra that my mom got from me. But Margaret, she encouraged me that enough reps of we must, we must, we must increase our bust could fulfill my C cup fantasies. And well, we see what happened with that.

Amena Brown:

So while Margaret prayed to God to make her a woman, I played MASH ended up living in a shack with Tevin Campbell while we tried to raise our four kids on a beekeeper salary just so we can keep up the payments on our new Ferrari. I mean, I was a pretty girl. Disguised as a nerd who never quite made it to being a hottie, and I'm still looking for Ken hoping I'll look just like Barbie. Forgive me for being a grown woman with the same fears I had at 13 because I don't want all the boys in my class to be shorter than me. Peering behind my glasses hopefully wishing Adonis in the back of my pre algebra class would notice me. If I could lose insecurities the way some people lose pounds, then I hope I'm the next Star Jones.

Amena Brown:

But it's never that easy. Digging the skin you're in, it takes work. It takes wading through hurts, digging through dirt, reminding yourself how much you're worth. And Tyra's only got so many photos in her hand, and I may never be America's next top model. But all I'm really trying to be is my own best me. And that was the one thing that Margaret couldn't teach me. See, I had to learn to smile without my hand over my mouth like Celie, learn to embrace my blemishes as beauty. And if I have to learn the lesson of loving and perfection for the rest of my life, then let that be my journey because there's this teenage girl who needs me to tell her that one day she's going to share that old insecurity regarding her cocoon and fly.

Amena Brown:

Okay, we have so much to talk about regarding this poem. So what made me write this poem is my sister. I have a younger sister named Keda. I actually am the oldest of five siblings, but my sister Keda and I were actually raised in the house together. My other three siblings, we were not all raised in the same house. I have a sister in California, and I have two brothers in Nebraska. But my sister Keda and I grew up in the same house, but we are almost 11 years apart. So around the time that I was writing this poem, my sister was probably, maybe she was 14 or 15 around the time of some of the conversations we had that really led me to write this piece. And my sister is, how can I describe her y'all? I guess if I placed the two of us next to each other, I'm classic oldest kid, very play it safe. Took me a lot of years and maturity and therapy to get to where I would really say a lot of what I actually feel and think.

Amena Brown:

And my sister is the opposite of me in that part. If she has it on her mind to say, she will say it. Not in a way that she just wants to be mean to you, but if there needs to be some direct communication, she will tell it to you. If we're at the mall shopping and I pick up a shirt and she thinks it's ugly, she will say it's ugly. If she were to pick out a shirt, which this would never happen because she's super fashionable. But if she were to pick out a shirt that I thought was ugly, I would find 17 different ways to get around there and try to communicate to her that. So even as a teenager, my sister was very direct with me and sharing with me what it was like for her in her school.

Amena Brown:

And this was around the age where she was starting to have crushes and starting to even notice, not even just her own feelings or attractions, but also having that outside look on how that was going for other kids in school or other kids she was friends with. And there were a lot of things we talked about as far as what it meant to have a crush on someone and what it meant to be a girl and all those different things. And as she's sharing that with me in her early teenage years, I'm almost 11 years older than her but actually not feeling like our experiences are that different. I'm listening to her going like, "yeah, I feel like that at work," or, "I feel like that when I go to an event and I have to be around people that I find attractive.

Amena Brown:

So I think it brought up for me this idea that there's a lot of the girlhood and womanhood experiences that are very circular, that they're not linear experiences. That there are things that you experienced at 15 that you may experience in a very similar way when you're 38 or when you're 27 or whatever that is. And so I thought that idea was really interesting, and I wanted to really think about that. So that was a part of what inspired me to write this poem. And I think the other thing, which is why Tyra Banks and America's Next Top Model are getting a nod in the middle of this poem is because also around the time that my sister and I are having all these conversations and she's being very blunt with me about how things are at school, what it's like being a teenager, I had an opportunity to audition for America's Next Top Model.

Amena Brown:

At that time, the cutoff age for America's Next Top Model was 27, and I was 26 getting ready to turn 27 probably in three or four months after this audition if I'm remembering right. And a friend of mine knew someone that was working in casting when America's Next Top Model came to Atlanta. And so he said, "Hey, I know somebody who's casting. They're looking for girls who are tall and beautiful. Would you be into it? And if so, I can connect the two of you." So he did. And this was a season of my life where, it was around this age between 25 and 27 that I really started feeling this hankering that I needed to get married. And not because there was someone to marry at that time because there wasn't, but it just started to feel like ... When I was in high school, I always thought I would have been married by the time I was 23 or something. I don't know why I thought those things, but I did.

Amena Brown:

Well, that's not true. I probably thought those things because I was in love with a boy in high school and we were falling in love when we were probably 14 or 15. I knew my mom wouldn't be with it if I were to get married out of high school. So I think my plan was we can stay together all this massive amount of years. We'll stay together through high school and college, and then we'll get engaged when it's graduation time. And then after I've been out of college a year, we'll get married. And of course, none of that worked out that way at all. But I think by the time I was reaching that 25, 26, approaching 27, I was starting to feel this just itch really about the fact that I didn't seem close to marriage and that I felt like ... I just kept looking at my body and thinking about myself and just thinking, "This is amazing, somebody should come along and be a part of this."

Amena Brown:

And knowing that there wasn't much I could do about getting married, I think the other thought that was coming to my mind was, okay, well, maybe I'm not going to get married, but I need to think about what are the other things I dream to do. And because I've always been for most of my life, I've been tall almost all of my life. And for a long time, I was just tall, rail thin, not a lot of curves. And whenever you have a body type like that, a lot of times people associate that with the one of two things, either they think that you're going to be a basketball player or they want to know, have you ever considered modeling? And I always laughed because, first of all, I was not a great athlete. So the whole basketball thing wasn't going to work out because I just don't like to sweat.

Amena Brown:

At that time, I liked to keep my nails real long. So I was like, none of that's going to work out for basketball. And with modeling, it really took me until I was right there in my mid 20s before I realized that I was cute. So when I get this invitation to at least attend this casting, I'm like, "Yeah, I got to figure this out because I just need to see, could I have had any kind of future being a model?" So the woman who was working on the casting, there were actually two separate castings for the show at that time. One of the castings was just the general everybody that lines up outside and spends the night so they can be the first person in line, kind of if you watch shows like American Idol and you see that kind of mania around it. That was one casting.

Amena Brown:

And then there was something I didn't know existed at the time, which was a precasting. And the precasting meant that the people who were casting the show picked girls and women that they felt fit the motif of model. So I was in a room with about 60 other girls ranging from 19 all the way up to 27. And we were all 5'8" and above and most modelesque bodies. I would say they were probably four or five ... And when I say modelesque, I mean not what should really be considered modelesque. And of course, thinking about this now, this was almost 15 years ago. Let's take that in. So at that time in this part of the industry to be considered modelesque meant you are a size zero, you are a size two.

Amena Brown:

So of 60 of us, I would guesstimate that there were only five to seven people who were not a size zero or a size two. So I'm air quotes when I say modelesque, because we know that everybody or any body should be able to be modelesque or be a model. So anyway, I'm there in the room, and it's just a weird mix of feelings being in a room like that. I think a part of it brings out some insecurities because you're in a room with all of these women who are gorgeous and tall and beautiful. So I definitely felt like, "Oh gosh, I don't know how I fare against the other women here." At that time, I was probably a size six. So at a size six, just so you all have an idea of what was going on in the room, at a size six, I was in those five to seven of us that really didn't quite fit the sizing of air-quotes modelesque.

Amena Brown:

So I just remembered that experience also and how that was another moment that I thought about some of the things my sister and I were talking about that she was experiencing as a teenage girl, those insecure feelings you have in your body as your body is going through all this and what it means to love yourself, accept yourself. And here I am a grown woman 10 years older than her, and I'm standing there in this room feeling all the same insecurities that I felt walking around the halls of my high school. And so I definitely think that experience of the audition played a role in this piece getting written. To give you the end of the America's Next Top Model story, did I make it on this show? No. Did I make it past even the group of 60 to where you actually get to meet Tyra or meet the judges of the show? No.

Amena Brown:

But I did the audition, I didn't make it any further past that round because they were taking us through quite a few rounds. Maybe I made it past one more round of cuts. And then that second round of cuts, I think I was cut with another group of girls. So do I regret that I didn't make the show? Not necessarily. I think for me it was more so about just having tried it and having attended the casting and not talked myself out of it. And that that's not something that I ever have to look back on and have these regrets that I didn't do it. And when I was performing on stage, I would always tell this story that I've always imagined myself having a daughter because I came from a family full of women. It was always my grandmother, my mother, me, my sister. And so I always imagined if I have a daughter, man, I don't want to be the mother that's braiding my little girl's hair at night, and I'm like, "Your mama could have been somebody." I didn't want to be that mom.

Amena Brown:

I wanted to be able to say to my daughter, for some reason, in my mind at that point in my life, to my daughter in particular I wanted to be able to say, "Here are the things that mommy did when mommy was a young woman. These are the things that I experienced or accomplished, things I got to do that were really fun. And then I met your dad, and these are the things your dad and I went and we did, and we accomplished and we experienced and we had fun. And then we had you." That was more of the narrative I wanted. And so I felt like even though the audition didn't go anywhere, it was a win for me because it was something that I tried. And I had this phrase I would say to myself at that season of my life, I would say, "I don't want to leave any of my dreams unturned. And so there was my little model dream, and so I tried it.

Amena Brown:

And I was like, "Okay, I got that out of my system, I can say I did it. If I don't make it, it's not because I didn't put my hat in the ring for it." So in this poem, I am taking you back to 12-year-old me that is reading a very quintessential book, Judy Blume's Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. And I have been wearing glasses since I was eight years old. And in particular in this era of time when I was like a pre-teen going into my early teens, it was the early 90s. So my mom claims that these big glasses were the style then. And I don't know, the jury is still in deliberation regarding if this is a truth. But either way, I had glasses that were just taking up most of my face. This was before I got responsible enough to wear contacts.

Amena Brown:

And even when I did get old enough as a teenager, this was before there were really the types of disposable lenses you have today where you can wear them for two weeks or whatever and throw them out. You would get that one pair a year just like you got the one pair of glasses. And then if you lost one down the drain, bless your heart. So this is 12-year-old me reading Judy Blume's book. And what's interesting to me now is trying to describe to someone much younger than me that at this time of life when you're going through puberty and you're in the body I was in, I'm experiencing the hairs under the armpits and the breasts either growing or not growing.

Amena Brown:

All of this stuff that was going on in the body, there wasn't any Google to go to and be like, "How big do my breasts have to be before I can wear a training bra?." Or, "when will I know if my period's starting," or, "why do my underarm stink?" There was no website at that time to go to and search these things. And so Judy Blume's book for a couple of generations of us really was the place where you went. You went to her book to be like, "Okay, she's going to tell us." And if you're not familiar with this book, the central character in this book is around this preteen age Margaret. And it's actually a fascinating book because Margaret is going through puberty and those changes as a character, but she's also on this religious journey because one of her parents is Christian and one of her parents is Jewish. And she's trying to figure that out.

Amena Brown:

I actually re-read the book as an adult, and I was like, "Yo, this is even deeper than I remember." And honestly, when I was a kid, I don't know that we were reading through the book itself. We were sort of sneaking into the library and, a couple of us in a corner really going to the pages where she was talking about the things we wanted to know about, which is what was going to happen to our bodies. Also, Judy Blume's character here, Margaret, that she created for this book really was talking about a thing that I really wanted to know about. I was fascinated with getting breasts. And of course, because I was fascinated with it, I did not have any breasts. They did not come to me until much later in my life, but I really wanted to have some breasts.

Amena Brown:

I actually was praying and asking God to give me a C cup because I felt that that was an average ask. I'm a classic oldest kid, I'm not asking for too much, I'm trying to find a middle ground of things to ask for. And so the C cup felt like a thing. Now, my grandmother is very well endowed in the chest area and has been since she was a preteen. So she always told us girls in the family that she basically prayed that no one in the family would have breasts the size of hers. So when I heard her say that, I felt some type of way because I was like, "I feel like her prayer is canceling out my prayers. And I feel like if God going to choose between us, he's going to choose my grandma just based on a seniority, just based on she's been with the company longer."

Amena Brown:

So all this conversation around breasts was really fascinating to me. And now I laugh when I read the original wording of this poem because I really never made it to a C cup. At the time of this writing, I was like in a B cup. But then let me tell you something, I don't know if this happens to everybody, I think in some ways it might, but the body parts may be different. But when I turned 30, it was like I experienced this hormonal change that I really felt like was a secondary element of puberty. And my breasts got bigger in my early 30s. I remember when I was getting married to my now husband, but he was then my fiance, and I went to Victoria's Secret to get measured for my lingerie before my bridal shower.

Amena Brown:

I remember the woman measuring me calling out what my cup size was. And I was like, "No, it's not." And she was like, "It is," she was trying to show me on the tape it is, this is the band, this is your cup size. And I was like, "It's not." And I walked out mad, went over to Macy's, made them measure me all over again. And the woman was like, "That's you." The woman at Macy's was like, "Yeah. What she told you, that's you, this is all you now." So I went from being a B cup for a very long time to arriving into the Ds in my 30s y'all. And I don't know if it's my prayers just got answered really late, I don't know. I don't know y'all. It's wild every time I say this poem because when I first was performing this piece and I would get to this line where I would do the we must, we must, we must increase our bust. And then I would say so I could feel my C cup fantasies, and then there's a pause. Well, we see what happened with that.

Amena Brown:

After a while, the longer I've done this poem, the less of a laugh that line would get because people would be looking at my chest like, I don't know, I think your prayers got answered. So in later versions of this piece, you will hear that the C cup isn't there anymore. I normally just say big chest because I'm not going to keep upgrading the letters in case my breast decided to keep getting larger. I'm just telling you.

Amena Brown:

This next section of this poem where I get into MASH is one of my favorite things. You don't hear this in the original recording. But the iteration of how this poem has changed since I've started doing it on stage over the years is if I'm at an event that's all women, sometimes I step out there and I open my set with this piece. No story, no introduction, I just start with it. And when I get right there, while Margaret prayed to God to make her a woman, I played MASH. I stop right there and I always say, "What does MASH stand for?" And I call out the letters, M-A-S-H, Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House. When you're at an event and you can hear the women in there saying the words with you, I'm like okay.

Amena Brown:

And let's review, MASH was a game that had these different categories and you played on notebook paper. And you had a category for who you wanted to marry and how many kids you wanted to have and what you wanted to be when you grew up and the kind of car you wanted to drive. And then you did this circle squiggly thing until your friend says stop. And then you counted the lines in the squiggly thing and then you did process of elimination. That was supposed to predict your future. And as I go through that memory, being in a crowd of women, being in an arena or in a big ballroom or whatever venue I was in, being in that space and hearing the energy of other women that also did this growing up was everything. That to me was also a way of evening the listening field, if you will, for the audience because a lot of the women's events that I would do, they were multi-generational.

Amena Brown:

And so there would sometimes be grandmothers there as well as their great-granddaughters who were teenagers. So getting to explain MASH because there were some people in there who were like, "I don't know what this is, I never played this growing up," type thing. But there were also women in there that were even older than me that remembered reading this book initially when it had come out. So this is one of my most fun things. And I love when I'm writing pieces to throw Easter eggs in there. And even this Tevin Campbell mentioned to me was an Easter egg because, I'll tell you, I love especially putting Easter eggs in poems for Black girls. And I can't tell you that I always do it intentionally that when I'm writing, I'm like, "I'll put this." I'm just writing from what my experience was because I really did have a crush on Tevin Campbell. He totally would have been in my MASH game.

Amena Brown:

And the way MASH got played, you could end up living in a shack with Tevin Campbell trying to raise four kids on a beekeeper salary and with a new Ferrari, that's like a thing that could happen on your MASH thing. But I love saying the name Tevin Campbell and knowing how many young Black girls were like me and are now grown women and are at some of these events and are like, "Oh, Tevin, yes." So I love doing those things. And I think when you get into the meat of this piece, when I hit this moment, forgive me for being a grown woman with the same fears I had at 13. That's part of what I feel like I was learning from those conversations with my sister and thinking about all the insecure moments that made me feel, I don't know, like I wasn't beautiful. Made me feel that way when I was a teenager, and that those moments are still there.

Amena Brown:

And we have lots of reasons as girls and women that we don't feel beautiful or that we don't value who we are or how we are. And so I loved digging into this piece right here, the nod to talking about Tyra there and just talking about how this is really about you knowing how much you're worth. I loved dropping the Easter egg of the character of Celie from Alice Walker's The Color Purple there. That's another fun one for me that whenever I'm in a crowd and I know black women are there, that when I get to that, I had to learn to smile without my hand over my mouth like Celie, that I know that phrasing is going to mean the world to them like it does to me. So I think this poem closing with hearkening back to this teenage girl who really in certain ways to me is inside each of us as women, there is the teenage version of us that is still there.

Amena Brown:

One of the things that I had started to say whenever I would do this poem in front of an audience of teenage girls because ... I'll have to do another episode about it. There was a time in my career that I actually talked, maybe I have to do at that time I about this. But there was a time in my career, it was short-lived, but there was a time that I did talks for teenage girls in church settings, and we would talk about sex. A lot of it was about talking about abstinence and celibacy, I'm going to be honest with y'all. And it got uncomfortable for me because I didn't feel like it was giving the young women the best information that they could have, and so I stopped doing that. Towards the end, I just started realizing there are so many other important things to talk to girls about besides talking to them about abstinence. That we needed to talk about consent, and we needed to talk about ownership of your own body and boundaries and what it means to honor the body you have.

Amena Brown:

And we needed to also not walk into a setting like that in church where you're talking to teenage girls and assume that all of the girls there are straight. Those are reasons why I stopped being the person that did that talk because I realized there'd be a lot of church settings that wouldn't welcome what I really wanted that talk to be about. And I really wanted it to focus less on all the things that girls shouldn't be doing and more on what you should do to love yourself and what you should do to honor your body and to make wise sexual choices. And that that is a lesson for teenage girls, and it's a lesson for grown women too. So anyways, that's for a whole other time.

Amena Brown:

But whenever I would do this piece and I was in front of an audience of teen girls, I would always say to them something that I really do believe is true. And I would say to them, I know that it's hard being in high school going through your teenage years, it's not an easy time. But I would say to them almost every feeling that you feel, grown women like the grown women in here because I would typically in a space where there would be a lot of teenage girls attending a conference or something, but there would be moms or different chaperones or youth leaders in the room too. And I would say, almost every feeling you feel as a teenage girl, there are grown women who are adults and they feel those similar feelings to you. That womanhood is not a linear journey, it's actually a very circular experience. And that is something beautiful about it. That it's a thing we get a chance to go through together.

Amena Brown:

And hoping that even though I know some of them were super weirded out to think that their moms want to make out or that their moms ever made out or ever had sex or anything, it's weird. I know that's weird for teenage girls to think about. But I just wanted them to feel like womanhood doesn't have to be a lonely thing, that womanhood is a communal experience to. What was it like performing this poem for the first time? I'm almost certain that one of the first times I performed this poem memorized was actually at a slam. And I know you're probably going to hear me say that a thousand times in these behind the poetry episodes. But a lot of my show pieces, a lot of the pieces I do that make it into my poetry set, many of them started from me not necessarily even writing to slam but because I was doing slam poetry at the time.

Amena Brown:

And if you're listening and you're not familiar with slam, slam poetry, it's the competitive side of spoken word, it's the Olympics of spoken word poetry, if you will. And so it can go from local competitions all the way to national and international competitions. And so I was writing a lot at the time, but I was also writing because I did want to win some slams, and I was understanding more what the form of a slam poem was. And you had to really punch with a message and bring it home in less than three minutes. I'm pretty sure the first time I ever did this poem was at a slam competition. And this poem did really well in slams because it has so many dynamics to it. I also want to say that this was the first funny poem that I ever wrote. And slam is interesting because when you're in a competition, it's very organized as far as you're in a bout, which is what this one small component of the competition would be called. Your bout would be you and maybe three other slam teams if you were doing a team slam.

Amena Brown:

There would be all this numerical things that went on as to the order in which each team competed. And sometimes your team might send up a group piece, but sometimes you might have a dope enough poem and they'd send you up to do your poem by yourself. And I noticed when I would do slam competitions locally that a lot of times a lot of the poems were heavy because a heavy poem could win a slam if it was well-written and well performed and really hit home to the judges. But you almost needed funny poems as a palette cleanser in a way. And there were times that a funny poem would score even better going after a poem that was really heavy because the audience just enjoyed having that relief of being able to laugh.

Amena Brown:

And so I didn't intend this poem to be funny, I really just was approaching it to write the story. But in slam, I discovered the poem had a lot of power because it did have this comedic element, it opened people up to laugh and to reminisce. And then by the time you really get to the point of like, what is all this about? Why are we talking about training bras and Judy Blume and Tyra Banks? Why are we talking about all that? When you get to that end ... If the poem is its own cyclone and it starts off with the wider part at the top and then goes down, down, down into the bottom as the tube of it gets smaller and smaller. I think that then you're getting into the meat of what the piece is about and that it's not just about training bras, it's actually about saying whoever you are and whatever your insecurities are, you can spread your wings and fly, whatever that looks like to you. You can embrace the imperfections of your own beauty.

Amena Brown:

That's the center of the piece. But it was fun that I got to talk about training bras and breasts and MASH and all these things leading up to that. I will say one of my favorite ways I've ever performed this poem is when I did compete nationally for one of Atlanta's slam teams. Another poet and I, and her name is Gypsy O. Shout out to Gypsy O if you're listening. Another poet and I did this poem as a duet. So it was still with the same writing that I'd written, but instead of it just being me, she and I performed it together. And we had this choreography where our arms linked. And I hate to this day that I cannot find the footage of us having done that piece together.

Amena Brown:

That was what it was like performing this piece for the first few times. And after I got done with slam and when I began to learn how to build poetry sets. And poetry sets are a where it's not just the poet coming up and doing one poem at a time, but it's where the poet can do, sort of like how a comedian can do a 10-minute set, could do a 30-minute set, could do an hour set or 90-minute set. And so when I started learning how to build sets, at that time, I was still performing at a lot of women's events. And when I figured out how to build a poetry set with the stories and the poems to go together, that's when I really knew the power of this piece. That I could walk out on stage and open with it, I could put it in the middle of a set and tell my America's Next Top Model story. I could stop in the middle of the poem and talk about MASH, I could tell the stories about my grandma praying against my own prayers about my breasts.

Amena Brown:

There was all this other stuff to do with it on stage. And I think that's interesting because when I started out my professional career as a poet, many of you who've been listening to this or if you're familiar with my work, you know this part already. But if you're new here, when I started out professionally, I started out in Christian spaces, in very conservative Christian spaces, white evangelical spaces. And so at that time, the only place where spoken word poetry could go within these very prescribed moments, like it had to go between this song and that song or it had to go inside this song in this certain kind of music. So I performed like that for a long time.

Amena Brown:

And then when I started going through some changes with church and different things, I returned back to the poetry scene and then went into slam. Well, in slam you're on a time crunch, so you can't walk up and introduce your piece because as soon as you start talking, the timer is going. So you got to hurry up and say whatever you're going to say. And when I finally got into building my own sets, that was the first time I could really take my time and say a poem and figure out not just how you perform the piece itself, but how you tell the story that leads into the poem and how you tell the story that leads out of that poem into the next thing. And that I really feel is where my strong suit is as a performer, but it's also where the fun and the passion is for me.

Amena Brown:

That's the part I love, not just this moment with the haze machine and the guitar, and you there do your poem. My favorite thing is when I get that 30 minutes or I get that hour, then I just feel like the audience and I have time to breathe and get to know each other. And I can tell some stories, I can do a poem I didn't plan to do. And this poem, Margaret is a pretty strong fixture in my poetry sets and especially when I'm performing for an audience of women. Here is a very interesting follow-up story because normally I close these episodes by telling you all how I feel about the poem now. So let me tell you a wild thing that happened in 2020 right before the pandemic tipped.

Amena Brown:

So right before the pandemic tipped, my January through middle of March 2020 was wild times. It was so busy, I had a lot of events on my plate. I still then and I still am right now working with Pattern Beauty, Tracee Ellis Ross's natural hair care brand. So I am the poetic partner for Pattern Beauty. I flew into LA in February in part to be with my folks from the Together Live tour. If you've been listening to this for a while, to my podcast, you probably heard me talk about Together Live. And so Together Live had happened in the fall. And then Together Live was invited to open up MAKERS, which is a global summit for women. And I was very excited to be invited to MAKERS. And a small crew of us from Together Live were opening the MAKERS event with a micro version of what the tour was like.

Amena Brown:

And I realized that Judy Blume was scheduled to appear at MAKERS. And it's wild to think of, y'all, because Judy Blume, as far as I know, I think at that time she was in her late 70s, but I think she's turned 80 now. So when I think about this, I'm like I had an opportunity to see her in person, but I only had one poem that I could do on stage. But I knew that Judy Blume was going to be at the event, but I couldn't see from stage if she was actually sitting there in the audience. So instead of doing Margaret, I performed my piece For The Women, which is another one of my favorite poems to do, and I left. I guess after we all finished our time on stage, I somehow found out that Judy Blume had been sitting there in the audience the whole time.

Amena Brown:

And y'all, I went back to my hotel room, and I'm just going to tell y'all something else. Getting booked to speak at an event like MAKERS was just a big honor for me, and getting to be with our crew from Together Live was also dope. I'm going to tell y'all one thing I missed in the pandemic because I have not traveled like that since March is a really nice hotel. And we were staying at a very, very nice hotel, big old tub, big old shower, big old bed. And then you had a little living area out in the front, you could just see the whole skyline of LA out there. I mean, it was a very, very nice room. So I was pitifully soaking myself in this amazing five-star tub just all of the terrible feelings washing over me that I missed my opportunity to perform Margaret for freaking Judy Blume herself. Are you serious?

Amena Brown:

And I'm just like, "Man, Amena," I'm trying to give myself the talk, "you did the best you could with what you knew, you didn't know she was going to be ... I mean, all the things. So I get dressed to go back to MAKERS the next day. I don't have any more stage responsibilities, but I just want to go and hang out and learn and hear everyone talk. And I walk into the green room and Dyllan who is the leader of MAKERS, Dyllan walks up to me and says, "Oh my gosh, why didn't you perform Margaret yesterday?" And I almost cried in her arms because I was like, "I know, I meant to [noises]." And she was like, "Did you even get to meet Judy Blume?" And I was like, "I didn't." She was like, "Come meet her right now."

Amena Brown:

And let me tell you, any performing artists worth their salt, and I would particularly say for poets who are performers and for singers, this is especially true. You never know when you're going to be in a moment where somebody is going to be like sing right now, do your poem right now. And sometimes people do that and it's not worth a moment, it's not worth a moment of you doing that live. My grandmother's in the grocery store with a stranger and she's like, "Do some poems, baby, do some poems for her. I told her you do poems." that feels like, "Oh, grandma, come on." but every now and then you're going to have this moment where you're going to be called upon, And that's your time.

Amena Brown:

i think there are a lot of singers that have stories to tell where that was Quincy Jones or that was whoever, insert record executive name here. And so there are times that you got to be a poet worth your salt right there. And am I going to go over here and give Judy Blume this poem as if I did it on a stage for 50,000 people? Oh, absolutely, I'm going to do it. So Dyllan takes me over, she's like, "I've got to run, but I'm just going to introduce the two of you." So in the green room at MAKERS, there's a partition. The first part where you walk in is where all the food, drink and stuff. But when you let go behind the partition, there are makeup artists and hair artists back there.

Amena Brown:

So Judy Blume is getting her makeup down y'all, and Dyllan walks me over, introduces us, tells her like, "Amena has this poem. I thought she was going to do it yesterday, she didn't. And I really wanted to see if it would be okay if she could do it for you." So I'm like. So Judy Blume is finishing up getting her makeup done, we're doing a little chit-chat. And then she says, "Well, how long is the poem?" And I said, "Oh, it's less than three minutes." And she was like, "Oh, I can do that." So the makeup artists finished her makeup and turned her makeup chair to face me. And one of the other makeup artists filmed this while this is happening.

Amena Brown:

And y'all, if I didn't get the opportunity for an audience of Judy Blume and the makeup artists and hair artists who were back there. To say Margaret to Judy Blume, it's just one of those things that you're like, that's only going to happen to you maybe once, maybe twice in your life that you write something inspired by someone else's work and you actually get to look them in the eyes and say it to them. So I performed the piece for her, she's laughing and gasping in all the places I hope someone laughs and gasps. She's teary and so am I because I can't believe I'm getting this opportunity. She hugs me.

Amena Brown:

I could just cry telling y'all that I had that opportunity to hug Judy Blume because even if I were to see her again, who knows how long it would be before I would be able to hug her. And just having this wonderful moment with her and getting to say in my own way to her, here is how much that book you wrote meant to me. So it turned out that that was, 2020 was 50 years since Judy Blume's Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret was published. So that's my story about Margaret y'all. It started with my sister inspired me to write this poem. And the current amazing thing about this poem is that I got a chance to actually perform that for Judy Blume.

Amena Brown:

What is life? I had so much fun talking to you all about that. I hope y'all had fun too. If you are a person with breasts, I hope that you just enjoy whatever size that you have. Whatever it is, I hope you enjoy it, take advantage of it. You can also listen to Margaret and some of my other poems by checking out my album Live at Java Monkey wherever you stream music. And you'll probably go there and find Live at Java Monkey, and you'll discover that I have a bunch of other albums that I hardly ever talk about, but they are there too. So you're welcome to peruse those on your favorite streaming app. You should also check out Judy Blume's book Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. If you haven't, go to your favorite bookseller and do this and check out other works of Judy Blume's. She is amazing and such a pioneer for us in having brought some of these girl and woman conversations to the forefront in her book. We love to see it.

Amena Brown:

And if you want to actually watch me perform Margaret for Judy Blume, you can actually check that out on my IGTV. The footage is posted there. For this week's here for the crown, I want to shout out Dr. Maya Angelou. I was trying to think about other writers that really influenced me during that same time that I was reading Judy Blume's Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret, and Maya Angelou came to my mind. And I hope you know this name because she has many, many crowns I'm sure, but I am happy to bestow upon her one more. I remember starting my journey with Dr. Maya Angelou's work by reading, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, which is written from the perspective of a young Black girl not too far in age from the age I was when I first started reading Judy Blume's work, when I first started really discovering what all of this was going to mean becoming a young girl, transitioning into whatever young womanhood would look like.

Amena Brown:

I never got to hear Dr. Angelou speak in person. But her words, her career, and her life left a serious mark on me, just the boom and timbre of her voice. Any of you that have listened to her work probably feel the same way. I remember watching her perform her poem at President Bill Clinton's inauguration. How so many of us, the generation of us were memorizing that poem and performing it at church or at speech competitions. And how amazing it was for me this year to be watching the inauguration of President Biden and watching Poet Amanda Gorman who is phenomenal. I actually originally got to meet Amanda on the Together Live tour in 2019, and she killed it.

Amena Brown:

And it just made me think watching her perform that here she is continuing on Dr. Angelou's legacy while also building this amazing legacy for herself. How many young Black girls just like me will look at Amanda and know that they can be poets too. Dr. Angelou, many of us are writers and poets because of you. You aren't physically here with us, but you left your presence and your legacy. May we make you proud by being ourselves and taking up our space just as you taught us. Dr. Maya Angelou, give her a crown.

Amena Brown:

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeart radio. Thanks for listening. And don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.