Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 106

Amena Brown:

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to a new episode of HER with Amena Brown. And y'all, let me tell y'all something. The way that I had to just go ahead and start recording right now, because I'm already in my feelings. I know some of y'all are like, "Is she in her feelings every week?" But let's not focus on that. I'm in my feelings today because we have a guest in the HER living room that, this has been a long time coming. This has been a long time coming.

Christelle de Castro:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

So I want y'all to welcome Filipino American director, photographer, fine artist, and co-founder of film production company Ground Work Christelle de Castro. Woo woo, woo woo. That's right, come on.

Christelle de Castro:

Dang!

Amena Brown:

Yes.

Christelle de Castro:

Can I just have you present me every day when I walk out of my space?

Amena Brown:

Mm-hmm. Yes.

Christelle de Castro:

That energy is... I need that.

Amena Brown:

Yes. I think what you should also do is give this verbiage to every barista that does your order at the coffee shop. When they're like, "Oh, what's your name?" Be like, "Director, photographer," like, you need to hand them a card so they can say all of it and then be like, "Your latte."

Christelle de Castro:

Right? They're like, "Ma'am, step aside."

Amena Brown:

You're like, "No, you have to read all of this. Not just my first name, not just my last name. All of this."

Christelle de Castro:

They're like, "Ma'am, please leave."

Amena Brown:

Right. "Please get your latte and get on."

Christelle de Castro:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

"We have other customers. Get out of here."

Y'all, let me tell y'all something. The reason why I'm telling y'all this is a long time coming is because Christelle and I originally met in 2020. I actually met you, Christelle, probably weeks before this podcast relaunched. So this podcast was seasonal and I am now under the Seneca Women Network. So this podcast relaunched probably a few weeks after you and I met.

And y'all, those of you that have been following me on this podcast, remember that I was a face of an Olay campaign 2020 into 2021, and any of you that saw the video spot from that, Christelle was the director. I just want to first of all say that shoot was full of a lot of badass women, and you were one of the badass women I got to watch making that whole thing happen, Christelle. Like, yo.

Christelle de Castro:

Thank you, thank you. No, that shoot was incredible. Basically, the whole production team, we were all women. The DP, Daisy Zhou.

Amena Brown:

That's right.

Christelle de Castro:

A woman. We were very intentional with making sure that we were crewed up with women. That's kind of important. It was a campaign really about female empowerment, and so we wanted to make sure that that was represented with the crew.

Amena Brown:

And Christelle, you and I didn't get to talk about this in detail, I don't think, but I've only been directed two times in my career, and one of those was you.

Christelle de Castro:

Oh, really?

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Yeah.

Christelle de Castro:

Oh my God.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. That was a big, big deal for me. And just to let you know, the other one is Robert Townsend. You're the two directors. So I feel like-

Christelle de Castro:

I'm in good company.

Amena Brown:

Yes, exactly. You know?

Christelle de Castro:

Wow.

Amena Brown:

I'll be able to say, when you're out there winning your awards, I'll be able to be like, "Robert Townsend and Christelle de Castro both directed me," I'll be able to say. But because I have been a poetry performer so long, it's really any of my performances or sets or anything like that, most of the time I had to be self-directed a lot.

Christelle de Castro:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

So I walked into the Olay shoot with a lot of nerves because it was the first in a long time of a shoot that I was doing where I wasn't performing my own work. And it wasn't like it was hugely scripted or anything like that, we just had some different setups. And just the way you walked in to the makeup trailer, you just sat down with me and you were like, "Hey, here's where I'm thinking the vibe's going to be today. Here's what you can expect." I just immediately felt so comfortable with you, and we had a long day trying to get all that done.

And y'all, let me tell y'all something else that Christelle and the team there were doing. We were in Atlanta shooting, the client was in New York. They were watching from some element of a livestream where they could kind of see.

Christelle de Castro:

Hella livestream cameras, yeah.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, but they weren't actually there in the room. If this had been done pre-pandemic, it would've been a gang-gang of people there because the clients would've been there, everyone. But Christelle's directing me, but we're also having to wait and get clearance from the client watching. That was a lot. Can you just talk about how you and the team were navigating the complications, complexities of having to shoot that in the time that we did?

Christelle de Castro:

Oh my goodness. So that was my first commercial out of COVID. So that was the first big shoot that I got to have during COVID, and we can talk about this when we talk about the production company, but I had a lot of remote shoots. Everybody was kind of just making do with what we could with technology, and finally it was like, now we can be on set. Do you remember people were wearing hazmat suits on set?

Amena Brown:

Yes, that's right.

Christelle de Castro:

So this is how fresh it was from being in lockdown. And so yeah, beauty team was wearing hazmats. We were taking it very seriously to social distance and not get each other sick. That was the biggest shoot since lockdown. And we traveled to, I think, three cities, and obviously there were major women that were going to be in the spot, including Amena Brown, spoken word artists.

And for me, I was nervous to meet you because I'm like, "She's a star. She's an artist, and we're giving her lines. She's a spoken word artist." I don't ever know what I'm going to get when I'm meeting people, whether they're musicians or designers or actors or whatever. You never know what you're going to get that. That's just life.

Amena Brown:

Right.

Christelle de Castro:

But then you add to that somebody with a big profile and then somebody who's an artist in their own right, and then you kind of have to be the orchestrator of this thing. So for me, it's really important in my work that I get to talk to everybody before we start shooting. Ideally, in a perfect world, I like to chat with my talent before we even get on set, do a Zoom and just introduce myself or get on FaceTime with them just so that they know who I am. I'm a chill person. Just to establish this sort of camaraderie prior to the shoot.

If I don't get that, then I will always chat with people during hair and makeup just to introduce myself again. And that way, you're not meeting somebody cold by the time we start rolling. And so it was so lovely to be able to connect with you. And I was like, "Oh wow, okay. So she's cool." When we chatted, I immediately in myself felt just a relief because it was like, "Okay, so she's not going to be a diva."

Amena Brown:

Right.

Christelle de Castro:

Because you never know.

Amena Brown:

It do be like that sometimes. It do.

Christelle de Castro:

It really do be like that sometimes. I remember we had some chuckles during that shoot when we were recording the VO.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. That's right.

Christelle de Castro:

So imagine, for those listening, we had to record VO aside from lines that were being recited on set. So we took one of the rooms in the studio and we had a little microphone set up and we were recording the VO. As Amena was saying the lines, it was feeding back to clients who were in New York.

So we would do the line and then the producer would get a delayed reaction from clients because they're populating all of their notes and then she's got to tell it to us. We had some moments during that recording where we were just busting up. It was just one of those things where we would look at each other and be like-

Amena Brown:

"Okay."

Christelle de Castro:

"No, that's not what we're going to do."

Amena Brown:

Right.

Christelle de Castro:

"But that was a cute idea too."

Amena Brown:

It was just so nice in that moment to be able to look into your eyes, and there were a couple of other folks from the production team in there with us just to look at each other's eyes and be like, "Okay, so we're not going to do that, but we're going to figure out a way that we feel comfortable. Okay. All right. Okay."

Christelle de Castro:

"Fine."

Amena Brown:

"We're all going to collaborate. It's great. It's great."

Christelle de Castro:

It was very that. It was very that.

Amena Brown:

Okay Christelle, as a director, this is something as a person who just loves the form of film and that this is something that you work in all the time.

Christelle de Castro:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

And I told you I've had a lot of on-camera experience, not as much direction. What's the vibe of how you are going to navigate that? Because sometimes you have talent that is going to have script, that have a character they've got to take on. Sometimes they're going to be there I was to be themselves, but to maybe say things or have to do things that may not feel totally natural to them in the moment. So what do you feel like is the role of the director in that moment?

Christelle de Castro:

So for me in particular, and I don't think all directors necessarily have to be this way or operate in this way, but I actually see myself as an energy doula. So my job on set is to basically orchestrate the energy in the room. Not just myself and talent and whoever's on-screen, but also to make sure the crew is feeling alive, the clients are liking what they see, and they feel like their needs are being met. It's actually energy work in a interesting way.

And when I'm working with talent in particular, it is so important for me to get them to feel just like they've forgotten that there's 20, 40 plus people in the room staring at them. So I kind of like to establish just a sense of trust is so important and I don't know something that happens where we kind of click into it, but I try to keep things very light. I try to keep things very, very light. So that's kind of how I navigate it.

I feel like it's more than just saying lines and getting the script. It's so much deeper than that. It's kind of hard to explain, but I take it really seriously. And even though it might be a beauty campaign where the lines are scripted, I really try to get talent to feel it and to identify with it. And so it makes the work look and feel authentic.

Amena Brown:

I totally felt that, and especially when you're shooting for such a long day, I felt like as a director, you were paying attention to that, to the energy level of what happens when you shoot a long time and ways we can click back in to try to find the energy we can get access to there to finish out the shoot. So there were a lot of moments like that that I felt like you gave me those moments to recenter. You gave me those moments to be like, "Okay, now here's a different setup from what we've been doing. Let's think about this. Let's talk about this."

Christelle de Castro:

And it's important to hype people up as well and let them see themselves. That's so important to be like, "Do you see yourself in the shot? This is gorgeous." It is so important to touch base, because I would want to know. I would want to know how I'm looking if I was doing something really difficult. Because sometimes it just feels unnatural, the things that we're saying on screen. You know what I mean? Then you see it and you're like, "That actually looks phenomenal." It just gives you that bit of courage to keep on the path.

Amena Brown:

It's definitely a moment where you sometimes, as I felt anyway, you're on camera, you're like, "Does this look... Am I..." And you need someone to be like, "You a bad bitch."

Christelle de Castro:

Right. Absolutely.

Amena Brown:

Need someone to to be like, "Don't worry about it. It's giving bad bitch right now. You're doing great." And you're like, "Okay." Because sometimes you're there in yourself. You're not knowing how it's coming across with all of the other tools that are there, the lighting and the way the camera's shooting you, and there are angles. You don't know about all that. You're just in your own body, sometimes in your head, depending on where you are in the shoot.

So to have someone whose vision is thinking about the broad scope of that, you really impressed upon me how important it is to be directed. And I told my husband, I said, "Babe, if Christelle de Castro ever called me up someday and be like, 'Hey, I'm working on a project and I want to know if you...' I would be like, 'Okay girl, but just go ahead and email me because whatever you saying, yes. Yes. Whatever you saying, I bet I can do it. Send me that. Send me the information.'"

Christelle de Castro:

Noted, noted, noted.

Amena Brown:

Please put it down in your planner Christelle, okay?

Christelle de Castro:

Noted.

Amena Brown:

Just so you know. It just would have a lot of weight with me because I just enjoyed your expertise and your professionalism.

Christelle de Castro:

Thank you.

Amena Brown:

You had this way, and I feel like this was true of the crew overall that day too, you had this way of being like, it's firm, but it's also gentle. It's thoughtful. And we've all worked in this industry long enough. You have some experiences with people who all they know how to be is a cussing football coach. Doesn't matter what position they're in. And that's not always the energy that you might need in the moment.

Christelle de Castro:

No. Listen, I mean, we are so lucky that we get to do this for a living. I feel like this work is fun and we're lucky to do it, and we're not operating on someone's deathbed.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Christelle de Castro:

If that were the case, then maybe I could see a world in which stressing out and losing composure could be a thing because it's someone's life. But we are making films. We're making beautiful images. This is fun. Not everybody gets to do this, so at the end of the day, there's no reason to be flashing on people on set.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Let's take a little bit of a deeper dive into your career journey, because the experience you've had as a director, as a photographer, as a fine artist, now as a co-founder of a film production company, all of these things involve the visual arts in some regards. So talk to me about how did that journey start with you? How did you know that you had interest, skill, talent to want to explore how you could do the visual arts yourself?

Christelle de Castro:

Yes. Okay. So I'll take you through the journey. I'll try to give you the CliffsNotes of it, but it all makes sense in the end. But basically, I grew up in the Bay and in a suburb in the Bay, kind of a baby Oakland. The only thing putting us on the map was that we had a BART station that finished in our little suburb.

When I was growing up, I would watch the public access channel and the high school of my town had a 30-minute segment on that channel where all the high schoolers would make silly projects and then put it on the public access channel. Obviously as a young kid, I would always be like, "They're so cool. I want to take that class," or whatever. They were just silly projects. And then flash forward to me going to high school, I took the TV video class. Now my high school was like a poor Euphoria. Okay?

Amena Brown:

Okay. Thank you for that.

Christelle de Castro:

So all of the crazy shit that goes on in Euphoria and the very inappropriate stuff, those things were happening in my high school, just, we were not a rich high school. But I love my high school. I'm so happy I went there because it gave me so much soul and it was so fucking diverse. And we just were soulful. We didn't necessarily advance in the books, but we had a popping marching band.

We had an amazing theater program, and then we also had this TV video elective that everybody wanted to take because the football coach was the teacher of that class, and he was just super cool. And this is how bad my high school was. You could cut class and just go hang out with your friends in another class and the teachers would let you.

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Christelle de Castro:

Chill in the class. Yes. It was not crazy for my TV video teacher to be like, "I'm hungry. Can somebody get me a burger at Burger King?" And then just literally put his keys up and then a kid would just drive out with his car.

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Christelle de Castro:

It was wild.

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Christelle de Castro:

So that was my high school. And anyway, so I took this class. Everybody wanted to take that class because it was infamous for just being a class where you could just chill with your friends, but I actually took it seriously and I had so much fun. My teacher would just be like, "Yo, you need to borrow a camera?" He created an environment, and I think because I was the only kid who actually made stuff, he was just giving me any of the tools that I needed. So I mean to the point where for one summer he snuck a computer into the back of my car so I could edit for the summer.

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Christelle de Castro:

He let me take home a computer from school, which is really amazing, right? So I realized when I was 14, I was like, "I really want to become a filmmaker. This is what I want to do. I want to be a director." And I'm from an immigrant family, Filipino family. I moved here when I was five. We had a mom-and-pop grocery store that I started working at when I was 11. So it's kind of like Everything Everywhere All at Once, that vibe. I know that so well. That sort of immigrant family business hustle, that was my family to the T.

So I remember being at the dinner table saying, "I realized I want to be a director," and my dad scoffed at me. He was like, "With what money? I'm not following." And it was just like, okay, well that bubble has been popped.

But that kind of reaction was to be expected from him. And anyway, what ended up happening was after high school, at that point, my father had left our family and my mom was now a single mom with this store, and I'm the one daughter of three kids. I'm the middle child of two boys. So I was always kind of relied on to be one of the cash register girls at the store.

Amena Brown:

Got it.

Christelle de Castro:

So my older brother had to go out and make money, my little brother was too young, and then it was just me. I retained the language the most out of me and my big brother. Andrew, my little brother, didn't speak Tagalog, so I had to just be around.

Amena Brown:

Got it.

Christelle de Castro:

So not that I wanted to go to college in San Francisco, but it was something I had to do in order to take the train on the weekends to work and help my mom.

Amena Brown:

Got it.

Christelle de Castro:

So I kind of put my dream on hold. I also didn't really even have, really, any direction as to how I was going to make that happen. But what ended up happening was, I went to San Francisco State, I went with a theater and cinema double major idea. That's what I wanted to do. I quickly fucking dropped out of theater because I was like, "Bro, if this is going to be my future..." I'm like, "Why are you showing up to class with a cape on? That is just unnecessary."

And I was like, "These are not my people." I love acting, but I was like, "I don't see this being my future, so I'm going to drop that." What ended up happening was I went from, remember, my teacher was just like, "Take a computer. Take this camera." He was really involved with helping me creatively grow, to going to this school where we didn't have any video projects. My first year there, it was mostly theory. So we didn't work on anything creative. And I went on Craigslist to try and find students from other schools that I could join a project with.

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Christelle de Castro:

I go on Craigslist. It's these kids going to the Academy of Art. They were shooting a commercial for a school project and they needed actors. So I tried out, I got a part, and the DP and I became besties from that point on.

Amena Brown:

Whoa.

Christelle de Castro:

And he introduced photography to me.

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Christelle de Castro:

He was an incredible, still is an incredible photographer. His name is Ago. He's Japanese. He lives in Japan now. I wasn't even interested in photography at all. He just had these gadgets that I didn't understand, and the light meter, I was like, "What is that?" I would just be like, "What are these things?" And one day he was just like, "You keep asking me questions. Do you want to just try it?" And I was like, "No, what is that? That's just a weird vintage-looking thing."

And basically he ended up teaching me how to take pictures. He, again, he is an angel in my life, and he would give me film and then I would shoot through the film and then we would develop it in his kitchen, and then we would make contact sheets. And this now became the new thing that I could involve myself with that was feeding my... It was like in high school, I got to really feed my creativity through that video class, and then now I found this thing that I could do by myself.

It's instant gratification, because I shoot it and then we develop it, I get to see it. It's not shooting a video and then having to edit it. And so it just was blowing my mind, photography. And then in the next year, I got into my first group exhibition. So I was basically photographing all the kids that I was running around San Francisco with and just photographing musicians. So I was a street photographer. That was my vibe.

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Christelle de Castro:

Yeah. Just the scene. I was shooting the scene and then that became my world.

I was heavily involved in gallery shows, but specifically street art. So it's lowbrow. It's very lowbrow. It's just photos of kids getting drunk. You know what I mean? That was the vibe. Cut to moving to New York, finally, when I was 24.

Amena Brown:

Whoa.

Christelle de Castro:

I moved to New York because I was working at a diner back home and I was like, "Okay, I love what I'm doing and I love photography, but how do I make money from this? I'm shooting my friends, I'm shooting bands, but how do I then make a career out of what I'm doing?" I had been printed in one magazine. I just didn't know how to take it to the next level, and I just felt like New York was the key. So I moved to New York and immediately I felt like I can't be this art girl because I'm not from an academic background.

Amena Brown:

Huh.

Christelle de Castro:

Right?

Amena Brown:

Okay.

Christelle de Castro:

Because in New York it's not about lowbrow. It's very much about highbrow, and it's very much about your masters and being able to speak about... In New York, you can lean a broom on a wall and have a little title card next to it and a written thing and people will be like, "Wow." You know what I'm saying?

Amena Brown:

That's it. That's a fact. That's a fact.

Christelle de Castro:

I just felt so outside of it. I felt like there was no way I was going to be able to compete with these people. I dropped out. I didn't get my degree. So I just felt very intimidated. And I said, "Okay, well, I'm just going to then have to figure out how to work in this field." And so then I went more commercial and I started learning digital photography. Then I started shooting for brands, and I went that way.

It was funny because in those early years when I would go to San Francisco, they'd be like, "Do you have a show coming up?" So in SF they knew me as an artist, and then here I was working commercially. And then a couple years into that, I started getting the pangs in my heart. I wanted to direct. So I started slowly bringing that back into my practice.

2013 I think was the first fashion film I directed, and then, cut to now, I'm 90, really 95% directing for work. And I still love photography. If I could have it my way I would just do it as my art practice. But I won't say no to a check.

Amena Brown:

That's right. That's right.

Christelle de Castro:

Just for the record.

Amena Brown:

Just in case anybody's listening, you can still pay Christelle for some photographs. You can still pay her for that. Okay. We don't know who's listening, Christelle. We got to put it out there.

Christelle de Castro:

It's long story, but I think the context is necessary for people. Yeah. I'm actually doing my first love. I'm pursuing my first love, and so I just feel fucking blessed to be here.

Amena Brown:

Yo, thank you for sharing that journey because the reason why I want our community here in our HER living room to hear that is because a lot of times we're meeting someone at the point we see them. We're not getting to hear all of the rough and tumble journey, all of this stuff we learn like, "Ooh, I don't really like that, but I didn't know I'd like this."

There's all of that stuff that leads a person to their sweet spot that you see them in. And I think when we look at our own lives, it's sometimes hard to think that all this stuff I've been trying to figure out could actually be leading me down the road where I'm going to end up where I'm supposed to be anyways. So I just really appreciated you sharing that journey with us.

So now take me from, now you have photography as a part of art that you're doing. You have your commercial work, you're now getting into directing. How does that transition into entrepreneurship? What was the journey like between there and we is starting a company and we is starting a company in 2020. Tell the people. Tell the people, Christelle.

Christelle de Castro:

Listen, that was humbling, the 2020 moment. Because we were forming in 2019 before any of us knew what the fuck was going to happen, right? So we were forming in 2019 and then the pandemic happened and we were like, "Oh, shit. This is a funny time to be doing this." But the wonderful thing is that we didn't have an overhead.

Amena Brown:

Right.

Christelle de Castro:

So it's me and my business partners are all in the UK. So I had the New York office, then we have a London office and an office in Bristol. We were running the New York office out of my living room. So it wasn't like we had some other rent we needed to pay. It wasn't like we had an employee that we hired on that we had a salary for. There was no really losses on our part. It was just a slow season to start in.

So that was the blessing. When that happened, we were like, "Well, the good thing is it's not really affecting us." So it was fine. And the entrepreneurship, I think I will always have that bone in my body because I grew up in a family business, and that's just where that came from. That's kind of what I'm used to.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. No, that makes perfect sense, especially just hearing your story coming from a family that you were also watching be entrepreneurial and how that affects your journey and what you know is possible, what is possible to do. I think that's so dope.

And 2020, it just snuck so many of us Christelle. Because the way I had the tours lined up, it was going to be a spring and a fall.

Christelle de Castro:

Oh no.

Amena Brown:

It was so many things. But to be honest, I didn't know I was going to get a podcast deal. I didn't know the Olay opportunity was going to even arrive. I mean, truthfully, I ended up getting booked at P&G's headquarters, actually. I want to say this is a week before the pandemic hit. This is when everyone was just leaving hand sanitizer out because we're just like, "I don't know, something seems like it's going on some place," kind of thing.

Christelle de Castro:

Before it became super real.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, it was like, we weren't really sure, right, and I actually did some poetry there and the Olay team was sitting in the room and they were like, "You just did a piece that sounds exactly like this campaign thing we're working on." And then the pandemic started and I was just like, "Well, I'm glad we had that conversation." That was that.

But then to your point, there were still all of these creative things that went on after that that people were like, "Okay, we can figure out some ways to film some people from home. We can figure out some ways to do these voiceovers this way." There was a lot of innovative things that I think a lot of us as creatives had to do. I love that for you and your business partners. Now, you can look back at this three years. Do y'all ever sit around and be like, "Yo, we actually made it through this?"

Christelle de Castro:

Oh, all the time. All the time. We really had to get savvy with the remote tech. We needed to get savvy with what do we need in order to produce something, and it was nuts. It's a thing I would not like to go to anymore, but I'm glad that's something that we evolved and learned through that time. But yeah. I'm curious for you and poetry and touring, you said all these tour dates got canceled. Do you find in your field it's adapting to a new world or are tours back? Are performances back for you?

Amena Brown:

They haven't come back for me fully yet, but in some ways it was kind of like the work that came to me over this past three years was all stuff for the most part that I could do from Atlanta or do from home. So a lot of it was more some collaborative type of work and obviously the podcast and you're watching me here in my husband's studio. So we just made a lot of stuff. We just made it from here.

But I am a stage person, Christelle. That's really where it's at for me. Every other thing I'm doing came from me loving writing, which led me to loving the stage. So I was starting to get to a point where I was just starting to cry because I was just like, "I don't know. Is there someplace people is and I could just go there and just say hello? Can I say a poem to y'all? Can I do a poem or something?"

So in a way, now I'm just now getting back out, taking my poems back out to open mics. That's a big part of my process. I've been trying The Moth and learning how to do that sort of storytelling form, which has been really, really good and challenging for me to figure out. So I feel like I'm seeing the touring come back for bigger name artists, which I hope means that that will happen for some of us indie-

Christelle de Castro:

Because the culture is going to-

Amena Brown:

Yeah

Christelle de Castro:

The culture's still here.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, for us as indie artists. And I think some indie artists too are kind of thinking about maybe pre-pandemic, you might have an artist like me and an artist over here and an artist over here and an artist over here, and they're all touring separately. I'm watching a lot of indie artists figure out, "Okay, maybe it's better during this time to be figuring out how we tour together, how we put three or four artists on a bill and build ourselves back up to an audience and people get more comfortable."

So I think a lot of the collaboration that came out of this time, like you said, not a time I would like to go back to, but the collaboration that we learned and the ability to just think on the fly and figure out how we can do things. I think that's a thing I hope that we keep.

Christelle de Castro:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

I also wanted to ask you about mentorship. I want to talk about this Christelle, and I want to hear your thoughts about it because sometimes people ask me, "Who's your mentor?" And sometimes I feel like I had a lot of mentors from afar. If you walked up to those people, they wouldn't be like, "I know Amena," but I would be like, "I read her books through and through and she mentored me from afar. Not at her house and not in her office."

Christelle de Castro:

Not personally. She doesn't know who I am, but-

Amena Brown:

She doesn't know me, but I watched her videos until I had her videos like memorized, and so she mentored me. So you have the experience of now as an entrepreneur, now having been in your career as long as you have, have a lot of folks that probably see you, hear your story, and are like, "Tell me everything, Christelle. Be my mentor. Be my mentor."

I want you to talk about what's the process like for you of knowing when the fit is right for you to mentor someone. And then I also would love to hear your journey, good, bad, ugly, indifferent, of finding mentors for yourself.

Christelle de Castro:

Sure. So I actually started teaching at Parsons, which is fucking nuts because I don't have my degree, right? Literally when they tapped me to teach this class, well, people listening to this won't be able to see this, but I was like this.

Amena Brown:

You were like, "Who?"

Christelle de Castro:

I was looking over my shoulder.

Amena Brown:

"To me? You're talking to me?"

Christelle de Castro:

I took the meetings and I was like, "You want me to teach this class? You want me?" But it was an intensive photo and video intensive for MFA fashion students. So it was teaching fashion designers how to think in the world of pictures and in video, which was so amazing. It's an amazing fashion program at Parsons.

But the directors of that program, they had a movement class because they were like, "Look, if you're going to design something, let's say for Amena Brown who's going to recite something at the Grammy's, she can't feel stiff. You need to know how your clothing feels." So they just thought of so many out of the box things, including this course that I taught. And I was there for four years. This is my first year not teaching anymore.

But what I realized is I really love connecting with younger people. I really love teaching. And again, it's coming from this maternal place. It's = totally coming from this. It's the same with directing. There's a level of care and there's heart. It's a lot of heart that goes into both directing and teaching for me. So I feel like I get so much out of that kind of interaction. And I love doing guest speaking for organizations for other creative students. And I've been doing, I actually have had a lot of speaking engagements this month with different organizations. I love doing that.

So I don't mentor anybody one on one, but I mostly show up for young folks in that way. When I did have a team of interns pre-COVID, I obviously mentored them, but I always find myself in the space where I'm being asked to mentor, which can get very, I guess the word would be overwhelming.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, sure.

Christelle de Castro:

In a world where you are a woman of color and you are dying for a mentor yourself. In my personal life, I don't have anybody in my family that I can lean on or look up to for financial advice. I'm the one who's going to have to take care of my family. You feel me?

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Christelle de Castro:

I'm working hard because I feel like I'm going to have to be the one to break the cycle of not having enough money in my family legacy. So it can be very tough when so many different groups of people are leaning on you for advice and mentorship. I'm always happy to do that, but I am out here fucking trying to look for a fucking mentor. It's tough out here. And I think it's, it wasn't until recently where I was like, "You kind of need to look for a mentor yourself," you know what I mean? And what about you? Do you have any mentors that you can talk to or get advice from?

Amena Brown:

I don't feel like I do Christelle, which is why I just identified so much with what you said, because I think especially some of the spaces that I've been in, there would definitely be a lot of young folks of color that would just gravitate to me. And I love it. And then I would also be like, "Ooh, who is the person that I'm going to call or email? Or Who is that?" Exactly.

Christelle de Castro:

Yes. Yes.

Amena Brown:

So I feel like when I look back at my story, there are people I can see, "Oh, that person really had an impact on the form of what I'm doing or how I decided to approach this." So I don't know if I thought back then I was being mentored, but now I can see I was, right? Like, when I think about your story about your teacher from high school, right?

Christelle de Castro:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

I think a lot of the mentoring part that's hard too, is when some people talk about it, it sounds very formal, which I guess maybe is more of a corporate America kind of style, which for folks like us that are working for ourselves, we're just not going to have that kind of ladder experience where you're going to be like, "Here I am a supervisor at this level in the company. I would like to ask so-and-so who's a manager of this department to now be my mentor, wherein we will go to this very expensive place and they will pay for me to eat Nicoise salad while we talk over whatever this is."

Christelle de Castro:

Right.

Amena Brown:

And I feel like when you're in the creative space, you're like, "Am I supervisor? Am I a manager?"

Christelle de Castro:

But you know what? I think we need to have that. So I think what we have had probably are a bunch of angels. That's kind of how I see it. So my teacher and Ago who taught me photography, they were angels in my life. I wouldn't consider them mentors necessarily. They opened my eyes to things and they really invested, and they created an environment for me to blossom, which is I am so forever grateful for. I consider them angels in my life.

I would love to have a savvy, seasoned business woman that I can speak to who can give me grace. I'm still out here flailing, but help me see what kind of structure I need to build out into my life. Someone I can look up to and be like, "Wow, you kind of come from a similar past or whatever. Or I just adore what you're doing." But it's really tough out here. I realize often, I think more so lately, I feel like I'm out here in this world being almost forced to be more masculine and more aggressive than I even want to be. You know what I'm saying? I don't have a partner. I'm just single momming it with my dog, you feel me? I actually don't want to be a leader 100% of the time. I also want to be led.

Amena Brown:

Say that, Christelle. Yeah.

Christelle de Castro:

You know what I'm saying? Actually, it's a beautiful realization. I mean, 14, almost 15 years into living in New York City, I'm only just realizing it is actually to take a beat and open. Right now I'm in a space of, I just want to open my world up to other folks to come in and help me out because I do not have all the answers. So that's kind of where I am.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Christelle de Castro:

And there are fucking amazing women who are killing it all around us, I think it's just about, yeah, this is a great platform for me to even just say, if there's anybody listening who would like to have a coffee-

Amena Brown:

If you listening, you let us know.

Christelle de Castro:

With me and Amena.

Amena Brown:

Okay? Because whatever you saying Christelle, I want to eavesdrop on that as well. So we know you're listening. We want that. And Christelle, I think too, I just resonated so much with what you just said, especially when you are having to create a path for yourself. I have felt that a lot as a poet, because people are always like, "What? A poet? How do you live? Do you eat food? What are poets doing out here?"

And I sort of feel like I carved this lane for myself, which meant I didn't have a specific person that I could go to and say, "Hey, when you were my age and you were doing this..." It was sort of like, I would have to build that out of various sundry types of people. But I do think a part of it I'm trying to work on Christelle, I ain't got it all the way together. Maybe I never will either.

But part of it I'm trying to work on is how to put myself in spaces where I'm being poured back into and really digging into what does that look like for me? Are there conferences or retreats that would be a space where I can say, "Of all this hustle that I'm doing to make this money, what percentage of that money can I give to I'm going to go to something where I'm going to sit there and get to learn from other people," right?

Christelle de Castro:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

And sometimes that can be a space, I think, where you can catch a vibe from someone to see if you think they would be a mentor type person. One of the things that's worked for me so far, which is not technically mentoring, or maybe some people would say it is, but it's sort of having a peer knowledge share.

I have a very small number of Black women that every now and then we get on a Zoom, and one of us will be like, "I'm about to have a meeting where I have to pitch this idea to this brand. Y'all, pour into me what you think based on your industry. Pour into me what you think I should think about, what you think I should ask. What should I say? What are things I should consider as I'm preparing for this?" And we all kind of take a turn.

And so I think as creatives in some ways, we can give to each other the thing that we wish we had ahead of us. Now, the hope is when I look at you Christelle, and when I look at how far my career has come, I hope that the generations after us will have more access to mentorship. I hope to give back to the people coming after me more than was able, more than I guess I was able to receive. But in some ways, some of us weren't able to receive that because who was doing this? Like, this specific thing.

Sometimes it's like, "Oh, I just made up a lane right here. So now I don't quite have that one exact person where I can go to, but who can be that?" So I think some of it is, every time I learn something, I'm always in an episode of Black Girl Who Tries to Pretend like She's Been Places, and every time I learn something, every time I get a new contract and look in the clauses and be like, "Oh, I didn't know that could be a clause." Sometimes I might hit up a creative friend and be like, "Girl, let me tell you what was in the contract just in case you get one like this."

Christelle de Castro:

Yes, yes, yes.

Amena Brown:

So creating some element of peer sharing, which can be a little mini mentoring because sometimes my friends-

Christelle de Castro:

It's a support group, essentially.

Amena Brown:

Right. Yeah.

Christelle de Castro:

Which we absolutely need. I think that's brilliant.

Amena Brown:

They're across having the same experience as you, but sometimes they get in a room different from you or get in a room you want to get in, and when they come back and be like, "Girl, when you go in there, don't order this. Order this instead."

Christelle de Castro:

Yes. Right, right. No, that's actually so important. I was actually reading, I can't remember what book this is from, but this person was talking about having a creative group that every week for 30 minutes they would meet. And it might have even just been two people that would meet every 30 minutes. But I thought that was smart because it's kind of therapy. I speak with my therapist every single week, but how cool could it be to speak with a peer and just be like, "This is what's going on in my world. This is what's going on in my world." And it's actually agenda-based.

Amena Brown:

Right.

Christelle de Castro:

You're meeting for those 30 minutes, not just to Kiki, but you're, "Okay, what's going on? What can I help you with? Okay. Can you pour into me now?" Yeah. I think that's brilliant. Why we need to do that more.

Amena Brown:

Okay, not me wanting to invite you and figure out how we do that.

Christelle de Castro:

Period.

Amena Brown:

So I'm glad we talked about it Christelle, okay? Because sometimes for me, Christelle, some of my other friends are just in different industries from me. They're not necessarily creatives, so that will add a different element that I'll kind of feel like, "Oh, I need to explain to you this part of how this typically works," whereas someone like you would be like, "Oh yeah, no. Totally. I've been in the meetings where we were talking about that. I've looked at the contract, and we had to decide these things."

Christelle de Castro:

Watch out this, or don't let them talk you into this.

Amena Brown:

Right, exactly.

Christelle de Castro:

Yeah, yeah.

Amena Brown:

So I'm glad we talked about that so we can invite each other. That's very good.

Christelle de Castro:

Yes, exactly. So we can start it.

Amena Brown:

Thank you.

Christelle de Castro:

But I'm sure so many people who are going to be listening to this are going to resonate with wanting to find a mentor.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Christelle de Castro:

And I'm calling on all those people to comment on this post.

Amena Brown:

For sure.

Christelle de Castro:

Because maybe this can possibly start some sort of, I don't know...

Amena Brown:

It's a Match.com, but for mentors.

Christelle de Castro:

Right.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. That's what we need. It's like a Mentor Match.

Christelle de Castro:

But to your point, the retreats and all that stuff, that is something that I need to look into. I think that that's a great idea.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, at least to get started. Because sometimes that'll put you in the room with some people, and then some of it also Christelle, for me, it's sometimes I meet people that could be my mentor and I'm scared to ask them.

Christelle de Castro:

Right. So we need to do the work. Right. Because people have the audacity to ask us.

Amena Brown:

Okay?

Christelle de Castro:

Okay?

Amena Brown:

And sometimes they ask and I'll be like, "I got you. Let's meet." So it's like sometimes you don't know a person or a person might be like, "I can't meet with you every week for two hours, but call me right now. I got 30 minutes. Ask me some things. Let me know what you need. Let me look into it." Something. So also not being afraid to put the ask out there. When you do come across someone that you feel like that vibe from, don't be afraid to toss it out there to them. You never know when someone might be like, "Let's hop on a Zoom. I got you. I'll answer your questions. I got 30 minutes, so you better make that 30 minutes.

Christelle de Castro:

Right? You are so right.

Amena Brown:

Make it hit.

Christelle de Castro:

We actually need to acknowledge the fact that we are not asking as well. That's very true.

Amena Brown:

Got to get into that for sure. But yeah, if y'all want to mentor Christelle, please hit us up right now. And also, if you want to pay Christelle money, that's separate from the mentoring, but if you want to use Christelle services, you can also pay for that as well.

Okay. I wanted to ask you a very important question to close our interview, Christelle.

Christelle de Castro:

Okay, yeah.

Amena Brown:

Because when we are here in the HER living room, what I imagine is this is the place that I gather with my girlfriends. It's the living room. It's that old couch that you got on sale somewhere. It's when your girlfriend comes over and she's like, "Girl, I brought these crackers and a little bit of cheese I opened last week." And you're like, "Girl, I got a bell pepper. I got a little bit of hummus I tasted last week." And you just bring your little snacks together. It's like a little snack potluck.

I want to know when you are with your friends, when you were with your homies, what's the snack that you are bringing to this type of situation?

Christelle de Castro:

So currently I am doing keto, right? So my snacks are like, it's meat and cheese. Salami and cheddar and nuts. Technically nuts are not keto, but I'm on that proteiny vibe.

Amena Brown:

Oh yes.

Christelle de Castro:

That train.

Amena Brown:

Oh yes. Mm-hmm.

Christelle de Castro:

If that were not the case,

Amena Brown:

If we were not doing keto, okay.

Christelle de Castro:

If we were not doing that. Okay. So let me tell you what I love to eat at the movies. I get a big ass popcorn and I go to the movies by myself all the time. I have body dysmorphia because I really swear I'm going to be able to eat this huge tub of popcorn. But I get a big old popcorn, and I get plain M&Ms and I salt and butter the out of that popcorn. And then I temper the M&Ms onto the popcorn and it is delightful. And I get a big ass Coke.

Amena Brown:

Yep, that's right.

Christelle de Castro:

And it sends me into another dimension. And that snack right there is so phenomenal. And then another one I've been doing. This is all trashy stuff, okay?

Amena Brown:

I'm here for it.

Christelle de Castro:

But trashy delish.

Amena Brown:

Okay.

Christelle de Castro:

Just getting some cute organic, and you can get vegetarian refried beans, but I'll refry that up with some cheese in it, and then serve it warm with some tortilla chips and some hot sauce and some sour cream and jalapenos. That right there for a little TV binge with the homegirls. Ugh. Delish.

Amena Brown:

When you said you warmed it up, that's when I knew that we were people right there. It's two things you said.

Christelle de Castro:

Oh yeah. We warm it up over the oven.

Amena Brown:

You said you warmed it up. I needed that. When you said you tempered the popcorn with the M&Ms. The fact that you said tempered let me know that you are my people, Christelle.

Christelle de Castro:

Right.

Amena Brown:

You are my people.

Christelle de Castro:

It's exquisite.

Amena Brown:

You was like, "I'm not going to pour the M&Ms. I'm going to temper the popcorn." That's it.

Christelle de Castro:

The reason why you have to temper it, and this is very important, this is a very important step, is all of the M&Ms fall to the bottom. And so you have to just go a little bit at a time to be able to still access the M&Ms with popcorn.

Amena Brown:

Especially if it's a big tub of popcorn. You don't want all the good stuff to end up on the bottom. Wow. Christelle, fix my life today.

Christelle de Castro:

Listen, you have to try it.

Amena Brown:

Okay. Thank you. Because I'm-

Christelle de Castro:

How about you? What's your favorite snack?

Amena Brown:

I am a popcorn girl.

Christelle de Castro:

Okay. We are popcorn girls.

Amena Brown:

I'm a popcorn popcorn girl in... Okay. Okay. In all circumstances, in the movies and without.

Christelle de Castro:

Right.

Amena Brown:

I'm just a popcorn girl all the time. I air pop popcorn at my house. I just get into that. I'm getting involved in some nutritional yeast these days.

Christelle de Castro:

It's giving farm to table popcorn.

Amena Brown:

Okay? Okay? My mom was a big seasoned salt person on the popcorn. That's how she raised me. So I sprinkled a little seasoning salt on it. You shake up the bowl. That's me. Popcorn is my favorite snack. I feel as a person who would bring snacks to a thing. I mean, I am a hummus girl. I like a particular brand of hummus. I don't just want to walk in a store and assume everything's fine. It's like, if it's not the brand of hummus I've decided is delicious, then we're just not doing that now.

Christelle de Castro:

We're not doing it. Yes. It's just all or nothing.

Amena Brown:

I want to bring prosciutto into this conversation.

Christelle de Castro:

Right.

Amena Brown:

I love my husband. We've been married a very long time, and prosciutto is so delicious. Considered adding prosciutto as an additional partner to this situation. You know what I'm saying? Just considered for a second, would my husband agree to be like, "You can be married to me and prosciutto." In a world, we can do that. That's how much I enjoy prosciutto. Yes.

Christelle de Castro:

That is so funny.

Amena Brown:

Yes. Yes.

Christelle de Castro:

I do love a prosciutto moment.

Amena Brown:

Anytime I go somewhere to a restaurant and they could be like, "Lasagna, fried chicken topped with prosciutto. I'm like, "Yes, I'll have that."

Christelle de Castro:

You zero in on that word and you're like, "That, please."

Amena Brown:

I will have that. I don't care. Prosciutto and a little ice cube. Yes. That sounds great. Prosciutto. Mm-hmm.

Christelle de Castro:

Oh my God.

Amena Brown:

Yes.

Christelle de Castro:

Amazing.

Amena Brown:

Christelle, thank you so much for joining me in the living room, for bringing us these snack ideas because I needed to investigate this further. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. People are going to want to follow you. People want to know how they can give money to Ground Work so that Ground Work-

Christelle de Castro:

We love that.

Amena Brown:

... Can help them look fabulous and crispy. Tell the people how they can engage with you and your work. Tell me the things.

Christelle de Castro:

Sure. So on Instagram and in TikTok, I'm it's Christelle underscore Studio. My name is spelled C-H-R-I-S-T-E-L-L-E, underscore studio. And then Ground Work, if you want to see my website, it's christelledecastro.com. Ground Work is ground-work.co. C-O. But if you go to my Instagram, you'll get linked to all of that stuff.

And Amena, I just want to thank you so much for having me on. This was so lovely connecting with you. It's been too long.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Christelle de Castro:

And I feel so blessed that you've given me this space and that we could connect today. Yeah. It's been lovely.

Amena Brown:

You're the best, Christelle. Thank you.

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast network and partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 105

Amena Brown:

Hey everybody. Welcome back to a new episode of HER with Amena Brown. And I have been having Matt here and some guests here, but now it's just us. It's just me and y'all. So thank you wherever you're listening from. And today, the day that this episode releases is considered 404 Day in Atlanta, which is a day that has lots of events and celebrations related to how much so many of us love the city and love the culture here. And so I thought it would be cool in celebration of 404 day to talk about why I love Atlanta and why it has been home to me for so many years. So thank you for joining me in the living room. Let us talk about my home city and why it's amazing. So first question is why did I move to Atlanta? I guess I should also answer and when.

I moved to Atlanta to go to college, I moved here in 1998, y'all. I just can't believe it was that long ago. And when I was applying to college, I'm not sure if I talked about this in detail on the podcast before, but when I was applying to college, Spelman was my number one choice. I had wanted to go to Spelman since I was nine years old. My mom was a nurse in the Army and she introduced me to a pediatrician that she worked with. And my mom would do this type of thing periodically, just if she saw someone that she thought it would be good for me or my sister to know, she would do whatever she could to just expose us to different people, different professions, different things that could potentially be helpful to us in the future.

And so she introduced me to Dr. Stephanie, a friend of hers also, and Dr. Stephanie took me in her office. I remember this part, but I can't remember, and my mom can't remember what it was I talked about when I went in Dr. Stephanie's office. My mom just said at nine years old, I walked out and told my mom that I was going to Spelman. So I've had dreams of going to Spelman for a long time, and to be clear, I was going to junior high and high school in the nineties. So there were a lot of different ways to be encouraged to go to an HBCU and to be encouraged to go to Atlanta to go to an HBCU. So back then there was a magazine called Young Sisters and Brothers Magazine, YSB, and every year the same way that a lot of magazines will do, the top colleges in the nation, YSB would do that, but for historically Black schools.

And so I remember taking the page out of the magazine and putting it up on my wall. I don't know, I'm assuming this is still a teenager thing that teenagers maybe still do this, but back then we were still reading magazines, like physical magazines, so they had posters in them of different artists you love. And I remember looking at that and being like, "Ooh, yeah, I really want to go to Spelman." I want to give a shout-out to my friend Porsha from elementary school. I lived in Silver Spring when I was in elementary school, and my friend Porsha and I, we were best friends and we just dreamed, dreamed, dreamed that we would both end up going to Spelman someday. Even by the time the film Boyz n the Hood came out. When you get to the end of the movie and the central characters that Cuba Gooding Jr. and Neil Long played, it had the epilogue I guess of the story, which basically was that Cuba Gooding Jr's character ended up at Morehouse and Neil Long's character ended up at Spelman.

So it was like I had this moment with Dr. Stephanie and then all these other moments as I got older that were definitely encouraging me, further pushing me on to come to Spelman. And I don't think I had considered as much what it meant to be coming to Atlanta. I was definitely thinking about Spelman, thinking about the Atlanta University Center, which contained at that time, Spelman, Clark Atlanta University, Morehouse College, Morris Brown College plus the Interdenominational Theological Center and Morehouse School of Medicine. So at that time there were technically six schools, all historically Black colleges and universities in the Atlanta University Center. So I thought about just being there for school. I had attended Howard's Homecoming when my mom and I lived in the DC area.

So I really thought about that, but I really didn't think a lot about the city, and I'm going to say something that I would never advise anyone to do, but I did not tour Spelman before attending there. I actually did not do a lot of college tours now that I think about it. I think almost all of the schools I applied to, I had never been there. I applied to Spelman, I applied to Sarah Lawrence College. I applied to Texas A and M and University of Texas, and I applied to Clark Atlanta. I never visited any of those schools. I don't know why. I just don't remember. I just don't remember us doing that. I don't remember why. But anyway, I didn't tour schools. I don't recommend that, but I had my sights set on Spelman. They were the last acceptance letter that I received and it was just like, no contest. I'm going there.

I was a part of a wonderful Black church growing up and I was already coming from a family that was very college forward. My grandma really believed in education for all of her kids, grandkids, great-grands, everybody. So my grandma still to this day is really big on education. So going to college really wasn't like if you go into college, it was when you go to college, you'll decide your major. When you go to college, you'll decide if you're going to pledge. When you go to college. All of it was when you go to college, nothing was like, I had a choice and I'm an oldest kid and a rule follower. So I just went ahead and went that way. I think I visited Atlanta once the year before I went to college because I was a part of the NAACP's ACT-SO competition, which I have talked about on a previous episode here because the NAACP ACT-SO competition played a big role into me really getting into performing my own poetry when I was a high school student.

So I made it to win our local ACT-SO competition in San Antonio where I was going to high school and the National ACT-SO was in Atlanta the year before I went to college. So I got a chance to come to Atlanta. But it's wild, like something happened. I think we actually made it down to the Atlanta University Center, but something happened where we weren't able to actually tour any of the colleges that day. So I actually saw Georgia Tech's campus much more than I saw Spelman's campus and there was nothing that I was going to major in that would've made me in any way attend Georgia Tech. So that's wild. I saw their campus much more than anything. So anyhow, I got into Spelman and moved in August of 1998.

This is a wonderful year for music. Aquemini had just come out, the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill had just come out, so my first semester in Atlanta was full of OutKast music, which was really wonderful. I've been exposed a little bit to OutKast in Texas because I don't personally consider Texas a part of the south, but I do see how Texas has a lot of different layers of culture there. And I do think southern culture is present there in some places. And for those of us who were lovers of hip hop, we were listening to the other hip hop that was coming out of the south that seemed a bit closer to where we lived in Texas culturally than maybe a lot of the East coast hip hop did. So we obviously listened a lot to Master P and what was coming out of No Limit Records and 8Ball and MJG and all of those things.

So all of that was leading to also having a little bit of exposure to the music that was coming out of Atlanta at the time, plus the booty music that was coming out of Florida from Uncle Luke at the time. So this is like the cultural era when I moved to Atlanta. This was two years post the Olympics, which was a big time in Atlanta's cultural history because that was for other people who didn't live here, that was the first time that people really looked at Atlanta as a world city. And historically your watching Atlanta go through a lot of changes in the city to get ready for the Olympics, and you watch the city go through a whole lot of changes after the Olympics had been here. '98 was also, I believe that was the last year of Freaknik as we knew it.

So I was moving to the city when the city was in this interesting flux culturally, but that flux didn't really touch my experiences in the same way as it would have people that had been living here a long time. So I spent my first four years in what was Southwest Atlanta, and back then if you were from Southwest Atlanta or grew up there, they would have this phrase, they would say, I think it was Southwest ATL too strong. I just remember too strong or they would call Southwest Swats, as this phrasing around southwest Atlanta. So I grew up there.

I grew up grew up. I mean in a way, yes, that's probably why it came out. I didn't mean to say grew up, but in a way, yeah, it's like I was an adult, but that time between 18 and 22 is a lot of growing up, is a lot of developmental things and having that experience in the West End being at a historically Black college that has its own, either ways it is perceived to be elite or has ways it can participate in elitism in certain ways and being faced with sort of here we were on this college campus.

I mean, in my first two years of school, I'm reading Frantz Fanon and Beverly Guy-Sheftall and Edwidge Danticat and Pearl Cleage and Nikki Giovanni and Toni Cade Bambara. I am reading deep, deep into not just the cannon of Black history and Black literature, but also reading Black women in so many very specific ways. So you're in this very educationally entrenched environment and then you step a block or two away from campus and you were in the Hood. Even when you drive to Spelman now, the way it was when I moved here, it was very different. Spelman had different areas around it that were still the projects.

So you were readily able to in the same way that I could be on campus and be there with all of these other Black women who were on this same collegiate educational journey that I was on and step two blocks outside of campus and also see my people who were just trying to survive and doing whatever they had to do to make it and to get by.

And so I think that was dissonant in certain regards and it was also very connected in other regards. So I feel like the first four years it's like, I don't know, there were times I got to see Atlanta. I probably will have to do a separate episode since we are beginning National Poetry Month, I'd love to do a separate episode and talk to y'all about my first open mic experiences in the city. But my time in college, I did have some times that I sort of broke away from what I was doing for the most part, which was outside of my schooling, I was involved in campus ministry and I've talked about that some in other episodes here. So because I was involved in campus ministry and very involved in church, that really didn't leave a whole lot of other time for social activities. I wasn't dating anyone.

But the one thing I was escaping away from all of the ministry stuff we were doing as I was going to open mics in the city, I went to open mics on campus, but most of the open mics I went to when I was in college were just grown people open mics. They were not for college students. And I think in a way, me having had that sort of deep dive into what spoken word could sound like and to get to experience that in very Black spaces was such a gift to me. I thought it was a gift then. And all these years later, I still feel that way about it. So I got to experience a little bit of the city that way, but for the most part I was a student and I wasn't dating anybody and I really didn't experience a whole lot of things outside of if they weren't poetry related or ministry related pretty much.

So that was what made me move here to Atlanta. When I graduated from college, which I've talked about this part in previous episodes, I applied to grad school, I applied to Georgia State, I applied to University of Pittsburgh and I applied to NYU to get an MFA in poetry. I was denied to all three schools. So this was one moment that I was in consideration of, okay, I've been in Atlanta for four years, now I'm about to leave. And then I didn't get in, so had to stay. And then around the time I was like 25 or so, I found out about this ministry program. It was a Christian based program where, I don't know better words to use, so I'm going to use this as a word, but I think in a way it was sort of like you could kind of be involved in ministry or missions projects y'all, if that language makes sense.

But you could basically have a year in New York, but you would have to raise fundage for yourself. Is fundage a word, y'all? Did I really... You would have to raise funds for yourself to cover the cost of you living in New York for a year. I think the program had a way that it could somewhat subsidize your housing or help you find housing that would be still safe but less expensive. But still, it's New York and I had this fork in the road right there. Truthfully, I had a fork in the road when I was in high school because Sarah Lawrence was really courting me to go early decision with them. And those of you that aren't familiar with that, I'm thinking this still exists, but it was 20 years ago. So early decision basically meant you were telling a college, if you accept me, I am agreeing that this is the school I'm going to attend and I could not do it.

I couldn't go early decision without knowing if I was going to get into Spelman or not, because I knew if I said yes to Sarah Lawrence that I would be really upset to find out I got into Spelman. So I didn't go early decision Sarah Lawrence and then got wait listed when I did get accepted. So that was my first fork in the road. Is it New York? Is it Atlanta? I chose Atlanta. Well, here I am, 25 with this opportunity to possibly go to New York for a year or I had this corporate job on the table and I decided to stay in Atlanta and still work the corporate job. I had another time, maybe, I don't know, a few years after that where I was considering moving to LA and I had made a lot of connections, just had a lot of relationships out there, and I think I felt over Atlanta because I just felt like I'd been here so long and I was like, I don't have a family. I'm not dating anybody that I feel like I need to consider them.

I think the truth was I just wasn't dating anyone. It wasn't that I wasn't dating someone I had to consider. I just wasn't dating anyone. That's the truth. But anyways, so I was just in that point of my late twenties feeling maybe I should just move to LA, why shouldn't I? And was really about to start transitioning my life there when I already knew my husband, but he wasn't my husband then. He wasn't my boyfriend, he was just my friend. So we actually started dating shortly after I got back from one of my last trips to LA when I was like, "Yeah, I think I'm just going to move there." And then I was like, "Oh my gosh, we're in love. Nevermind." So I stayed in Atlanta.

And I meet people all the time and they say, "Why do you stay in Atlanta?" Especially as a performing artist person, they're like, "Why would you not go to LA, to New York? Because those two places are really the epicenter of entertainment as an industry. Why would you not do that?" Well, for a couple of reasons. I think number one, at all of these junctures, because I've had many junctures with New York and at least one time that I really was considering moving to LA, every time I would consider it, I just thought the timing just didn't seem right for me and the life that I would've had to have been ready to live in LA or New York, I wasn't ready to do. I knew if I moved to New York, because I had quite a few friends that had done this, I knew especially if I was moving there wanting to pursue my career as an artist, that it was just going to be a lot of hustle for me.

It was going to be potentially a lot of roommates and navigating some of those things. And then my family moved here, my mom, my sister, and my grandma, they moved here. I was actually considering moving to New York right before they moved here, and my grandma literally told me she prayed that I wasn't going. And I guess our prayers worked because I didn't go. But I think in part what ended up happening for me career-wise thus far is almost every major opportunity that I've had in my career all arrived to me in some way connected to Atlanta. I had a mentor actually point that out to me several years ago. She was like, "Did you realize that about yourself?" She was like, "Every major opportunity you've had is either because you lived here or because someone who currently lived in Atlanta or used to live in Atlanta, happened to say your name in some meeting, in some room or whatever."

And then of course, as Atlanta has grown as a city to be a place where there is more entertainment industry that's happening here, then there were a lot of things that I was going to go to New York or go to LA for that in some way, those people were actually coming to Atlanta now. So that's part of why I stayed. I think also I just love the air here, and I don't know if that makes any sense or if you all have a city that you currently live or that you've lived in in the past where when you land in the airport, it's like the air just feels like, "Yes, this is home to me." That is how Atlanta feels. And truthfully, as a kid, I moved around a lot, both Matt and I did. We moved around a lot as children. And so for both of us to now be living in the city where we have both lived the longest, it's sort of like I had the reverse.

I grew up with kids whose parents, like one of my best friends, her parents still live in the same house that I would go to to visit her in high school. Her parents probably had the same phone number. I didn't have that experience growing up at all. We moved around a lot because I had two parents in the military at two different times and all those things. So I think for me, it's been a while that I spent all of my childhood traveling a lot. And then once I turned 18, I left home to move to Atlanta. And I have never left since I've lived here. But that's been for a lot of reasons. I think Atlanta, I will say at the time that I was getting my career started, was a place that you could start your business and go through the part of it where you are struggling to build it and get it off the ground, but you could still affordably live in Atlanta back then.

That was a big part of why I stayed. That isn't so much the case now y'all, but it was true back then. This was a place where you could be an artist and maybe you only had to eat ramen a couple of times a week. You didn't have to eat it every day. You could live alone or live with one roommate in a really nice place, or rent a house with a roommate and live in a really nice place while you were figuring out your artist career. And that's one of the things that kept me here. I think the other thing I loved about the artist community here, for me, I think there's a lot of rootedness for me in Atlanta. I think I am a person born and bread in the south and from southern people. So I think there's a lot about the southern sensibilities of Atlanta, the southern storytelling of Atlanta that is very, very akin to me and akin to my family and our roots and things like that.

So I think being an artist here and really having the opportunity to be around and learn from a lot of other southern poets and a lot of other people that were going through their developmental parts of life in the south was very, very, not only influential for me, but I think was very, I guess I should say, was very informative in the sense that it informed a lot of what my voice was going to be and who I was going to become as a writer. And there's a lot of sentimentality about the city. These are the open mic spaces where I really honed my voice as a performer and learned how to write. I feel like learned how to write and learned my voice over and over again. I can think of countless moments and seasons of life as a writer where I had gotten my voice to a certain point and then went back out into Atlanta's poetry scene and found a new voice or rediscovered these other parts of my voice.

I'm actually in a season like that right now, just now that we're not in the lockdown portion of the pandemic and I'm able to go back out to things and be where people are. It's been really cool to take a poem back out to the same open mic that I've been taking poems out to all these years. So I think a part of it is it became a very grounding place for me when I was performing a lot in White Christian conservative spaces. The Atlanta poetry scene is a part of what kept my two feet grounded. Number one, connected to the art of spoken word, and in particular how Black poets approach that and when you're performing at that time, for me, I was performing in these White Christian spaces, but even now in life, even though I'm no longer performing in Christian spaces, corporate spaces can be similar to this, that you can be in a space where people like the idea of spoken word, but they don't really know exactly how it's supposed to sound and they don't have enough experience listening to it to know if it's good.

And the room that I knew if it was good was an open mic in Atlanta. There are poems that I have done in front of White audiences that those White audiences were really impressed by, but I learned that the poems weren't actually that dope when I took them into a Black poetry space, which again is good for you as a poet because especially in the world I was in then, it was just performing poetry in White Christian spaces it's just a wild time because you are in front of some very large audiences with amazing lighting, amazing cameras, all these things, and you can get used to it.

And if you don't watch yourself, you will believe your own press in a way, and coming home and being able to take those poems out and try them in some of those spaces. Or sometimes I think for me, getting home and realizing like, oh shit, I'm writing a lot of things that work for those conferences, but I have ceased to write about me and write about my own stories and my own experiences, my own family, my ancestors, my breakup experiences, my falling in love experiences. So I think in that way, the Atlanta poetry scene has always been such a grounding and inspiring place for me as a writer and as a performer.

What are a few of my favorite things about living here? I love that really good fried chicken is available every day of the week. And I realize maybe there are some other cities that's true of, but not all of them, not all of them. Not all major cities can say that. I could any day of the week be like, I really want some fried chicken and get excellent fried chicken. I don't have to wait for a really such and such restaurant to be open. Any day of the week. I wanted great fried chicken, there's a place to go and do that. I love that about Atlanta. I love the weather here. I realized that after I finally accepted that I probably will never be a girl who lives in New York full-time. Part of that is just the winter.

I have lived in Texas and the south most of my life, and I like about Atlanta that it does have seasons, but most of the weather here is pretty temperate. But you can tell right now, we are just at the point where now it's getting to be spring, which in some other places would start to feel like summer because it gets pretty warm here pretty quickly. But yeah, you get all four seasons here, but you're not getting a lot of snow. And if you get snow or ice, this whole place is shutting down and everything out of the grocery stores will be gone within 48 hours. Get out of here. So I think that's one thing that I love about Atlanta. I really love the artistic community here. The artistic community here has been really good to me and good for me.

I feel like we are very giving towards each other. It's like I've had people refer me for gigs, I've referred other people for gigs. I've had people who ended up in a situation where they had budgets or whatever where they could book artists and they booked me and I totally do the same thing. So I would say the artistic scene for me and my experience has been a very communal place. It's a place where people are looking out for you, do want the best for you. Everything in the artistic scene here is not about competition, and I like that 'cause I know that isn't true of all cities artistic scenes. I loved especially a particular era of it for me, this may still be true, but there was a particular era of time for me here where the artistic scenes connected. So I was on the poetry scene, but then I also had some friends who were musicians and singers, and so we would go and support them in their shows.

We would sometimes collaborate on pieces and shows and events and things. And so I loved all of the Venn diagram of the different artistic communities. You might have some Black artists that are in the visual arts side of it, and then they might also have some friends who are poets who also have friends who are musicians. And before you know it, there's just this cross collaborative conversation that I've always loved about the scene here. I'm not going to lie, my family's here now. That's definitely a part of what made Atlanta home to me. My mom, my grandma and my sister moved here when I was about 24, 25. So a couple of years after I'd graduated from college, they moved here and my sister actually completed her whole high school and college years in Atlanta. So that made a difference too because I don't know, I'm not sure if it would've felt like home as much if my mom and my sister and my grandma had still been in Texas and I was always going home. That in a certain way for me, it's like wherever my mom is that's home.

And once my mom moved here to Atlanta, it was like Atlanta already felt like home to me. But now that my mom was here, that really felt like, okay, now this is home because I don't have to travel to go home to her. Now we've all made our home here. And then once I got married, my husband's family, all of his immediate family are in the state of Georgia. Everybody's within driving distance from each other. So that also makes a difference too. And I never would've thought that I would've defined home based on living close to my family, especially not when you're in your teenage years. And there were certain parts of my twenties where I just felt very, I need to define and be very different from what the family's doing. So these are the things I do with my friends and these are the things I do with my family.

I've felt very critical about having those types of delineations. But now I'm like, "Oh my gosh, I love that I live close to my family." When my mom lived in Texas, we really had maybe two holidays a year where we saw each other. Whereas now it's like I get to see my mom Mother's Day, on her birthday, on my grandma's birthday. So I think that also is a thing that doesn't have anything to do with the city of Atlanta, but is one of my favorite things about living here. I love the music scene here. I don't make music myself, but I come from a long line of musicians, so I really love music. Music informs a lot of my creative work. So I love just even the Indie music scene here. This is not the artists who are traveling nationally and bring their tours to Atlanta, just the independent artists that you could go into local venues here and hear them play music.

I loved our music scene. I love the music heritage that's been here and in particular the Black music heritage that's been here in Atlanta. So I love that. I love that I can get a chance to hear some different artists and hear people that I love and know. And I could go someplace and hear an artist I never heard before in my life and be like, "Wow, that person's amazing. They live right here in Atlanta. That's wild." I love that.

Last question is what I hope for Atlanta's future and Atlanta as a city is in a really interesting time. I think there are quite a few major cities in America that are going through this kind of change. Atlanta has been a very Black city for a very long time. I would say there's still a lot of Black folks here. For a lot of Black people, this is one of the first cities in America they've been to where they see Black people experiencing financial wealth, where they see Black people being upwardly mobile.

And I remember when we were driving here, my mom and I driving here, for me to move onto Spelman's campus and just even being on the highway and looking over and seeing Black people driving Benzes and Beamers and stuff like that, it was just so rare to see that where I was from in San Antonio. And a lot of people have said that to me when they move here, it's just rare to see Black people living in these big old houses and stuff down here. All of that made a lot of Black folks feel hopeful for their future and for what success could be. I think now that I've lived here a long time, Atlanta has tensions like any city does. Atlanta is going through a very large period of gentrification right now, and that is affecting the people in our community that are most vulnerable, that are most economically vulnerable, and that also affects the culture of the place.

There are a lot of places that were center for Atlanta culture when I moved here that were priced out of the area. So those spots where all of the poets would gather aren't there anymore because there are condos there now or because there's a CBD store there now or whatever it is. So I do experience those feelings having lived here over 20 years and being like, damn, there are a lot of places that really make Atlanta, Atlanta. And I think that the difficulty with gentrification is that sometimes in how the cities get planned and how the real estate gets built, it starts to make all the cities, all the major cities look the same, versus you being able to get somewhere and be like, "Oh, this is Atlanta." You could look at the houses there, you could look at the architecture, you could look at so many things and go, "This is Atlanta."

And there are parts of Atlanta that are just starting to feel bland. Could be any city. And I hate that for us. And I think there are a lot of people, and I hope to be a part of this too, just doing everything we can to preserve what some of us will call the old Atlanta narrative. And in Atlanta, there is this interesting dynamic between the people who are considered old Atlanta, which is people who've been born and raised here, people who have lived here for generations, very specifically Black folks that have lived here for generations. And then there are the new Atlanta folks who moved here a few years ago or moved here 10 years ago. I would probably be considered new Atlanta in some ways too, because I didn't grow up here, I didn't go to high school here and wasn't born and raised here. My people aren't from here.

But what tends to happen is people move to a new place, they move to a new city, and sometimes the newish people that move there begin to define what those neighborhoods can be called or what that side of town should be referred to as now. And all of this rebrand and everything. And in a sense, the narratives of the people who were already here doing amazing work, the people who were already here making so many creative things happen, their narratives get lost.

So this is one of the reasons why I was interested to become the Chapter Host of Creative Mornings Atlanta, because it would give me the opportunity to share narrative, share more narrative with folks, and give more of an opportunity there where you don't have to act like Atlanta just hopped up and invented itself five years ago or 10 years ago. That Atlanta's been here, that the Black folks who were here and helped build this city were here even also needing to acknowledge, which is very interesting when you get into the history of how the city of Atlanta was built, that this land was originally the land of the Muskogee Nation, land of the Cherokee nation, and also gaining that history because they were forced off of the land where their people had resided for centuries.

So it's interesting when we consider the places that we live or that we have lived, that we love, and every place that we call home, whether it's our original home with our families of origin or the cities where we grew up, all of the places we call home have complicated histories. And I guess for me right now, it's about doing everything I can to tell the story of home accurately and to honor all of the peoples who call this place home. And for me also to give back to Atlanta's artistic and creative community because it has given so much to me. So however I can do that by participating in arts that are happening here, by supporting our local artists, by using their music whenever I can. If somebody's asking me about artists I want to suggest for something, nine times out of 10, I'm going to say an artist from here, because that's how we do.

So I love Atlanta. I don't really see myself moving. There's a couple of cities in America like New York, like LA especially now with some of the work I'm doing, a lot of the projects that I'm working on, almost all of the projects that I'm working on that are not my own projects, books, podcasts, things like that, are all related to either companies or people that are in LA right now. So I'm not opposed to if a project came up and I need to be in LA for six months, you need to be in New York for six months. I wouldn't be opposed to that. I would do that, but I would still be like, "When this is over, I'm going back to Atlanta."

I don't know, it's just home to me now. So anyways, I will love Atlanta forever. That's just the truth. So shout out to Atlanta and for my old school ATL people, I will end this episode with a call that people who've lived in Atlanta a long time used to say, if you were in a crowd, in an audience, somebody brought up somebody from Atlanta, you would yell out, "ATL, hoe." So that's how I'm going to close the episode. I love Atlanta. If y'all haven't been here, I hope you'll get a chance to visit too. And even if it's not Atlanta for you, whatever that city is that you forever love, I hope that you will find ways to give back to it in the ways that it's given good things to you. See y'all next week.

HER with Amina Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 104

Amena Brown:

Yo. Yo. Yo. We back. It is spring, kind of. And I'm here with my husband, Matt, also known as DJ Opdiggy.

Matt Owen:

What's uppers?

Amena Brown:

I like to say that out loud, because we get a lot of pronunciations of that.

Matt Owen:

Opdiggy.

Amena Brown:

Mm-hmm. I think that's a lot of people's favorite.

Matt Owen:

Some people call me Op. I like to pretend that's short for opulence.

Amena Brown:

We also get some people trying to ... Because some people knew that your nickname was Opie, so-

Matt Owen:

Some people think that is my real name.

Amena Brown:

That is true. I encountered that-

Matt Owen:

Yeah. You did.

Amena Brown:

... with some people. So some people go for a DJ Opiediggy. They kind of like pull them together there. But for everyone listening, it is Opdiggy. I like to say rhymes with soap Diggy or hope Diggy.

Matt Owen:

Ope, because I'm dope.

Amena Brown:

Mm-hmm. That's it, people. We just want to give you some little phonetics right there.

Matt Owen:

You should try to cope.

Amena Brown:

If you wear a gold chain, it should be a rope.

Matt Owen:

Oh.

Amena Brown:

Ah.

Matt Owen:

Okay.

Amena Brown:

Boy. There's two people-

Matt Owen:

She says she can't freestyle.

Amena Brown:

There's two people on here who can rhyme. I just rhyme a lot more slowly.

Matt Owen:

She says she can't freestyle.

Amena Brown:

A lot more slowly. Welcome back to another episode of Road Stories. We have so much to tell.

Matt Owen:

Don't we though?

Amena Brown:

We did a series of Road Stories and still have a few more episodes that we have to share with y'all.

Matt Owen:

And so many things we won't share with y'all.

Amena Brown:

That's also true though, because we went through our notes and were like, "Ooh. No. Not going to talk about that publicly. Not going to speak-"

Matt Owen:

But if you see me in the street, shorty.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. You see me at a dinner party, there's some stories that will not make these episodes, but if you see me at a dinner party or in green room, in a public setting somewhere, public private, kind of, basically public like other people are there, but private like I'm not talking from a microphone, you probably could get some of the other stories that we could tell y'all.

Matt Owen:

I'll say names. I'm messy.

Amena Brown:

Because we do leave out some names here. What brought this story to me ... I want to give a shoutout to my friend Leigh, who was also the production assistant on this here podcast. This also reminds me because Leigh would want me to remind y'all that there are show notes. Leigh puts together show notes for every one of these episodes, so if you ever hear me or my guest talking about something, or in this case if you hear Matt and I talking about something and you're like, "Wait. What'd they say?" you don't have to remember that. You can go to amenabrown.com. Show notes right there. All the links are there. But this brings me back to the point. Leigh and I were talking about a trip she had taken recently to the Art Institute of Chicago, and it immediately brought back to me a memory that I thought would be a perfect way to reenter our Road Stories series. So let me set the scene. Matt and I at this point had only been married maybe six months.

Matt Owen:

Maybe. Yeah. Less than a year for sure.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. And I had been booked for a tour with a band. I was very excited about the tour. And the trouble though was that the tour was six weeks long, I think, and it had some, I guess, certain segments of it that were longer, and then it had other ones where the breaks came in more quickly. But the first segment of the tour, I was going to be gone on the road for two weeks. So imagine, everyone, that Matt and I had just gotten married. Matt is working at a church as a youth pastor at the time while we're also traveling together, as we've discussed with you all. We had already started our show that we were doing, and so we were traveling on the road together, and now this was my first gig that came up that ... It was a bus tour, so that meant there were not bunks enough for me to be able to bring a spouse. If everyone brought their spouse, there would have to be like three buses, so there was no way. So I go on the tour. And actually, as we tell you all this story, this is a part of how we came up with one of our marriage rules. This time apart was the longest we have ever been apart our whole marriage is two weeks.

Matt Owen:

Okay. Yeah. That's where this came from. You're right.

Amena Brown:

We decided after this that we would not let it be longer than two weeks that we had to be apart from each other. And as two artists, that could mean a lot of things. We both could have gigs away from each other. This has happened before too where Matt will get a gig and he has to go out of town, and I'm getting a gig, I've got to go out of town, or we both have had times the other person had to travel and the other person was home. But either way, we decided two weeks is the longest period of time, because of what transpired.

Matt Owen:

Good rule. Good rule.

Amena Brown:

In Chicago. So I feel like maybe the tour ... It's like my memories of this are vague now. I can't remember if the tour actually stopped in Chicago, or I kind of feel like I had another gig that I had booked beforehand. This is what I think happened. I had another gig that I had booked before the tour that I had to leave the tour and go to that was in Chicago.

Matt Owen:

Yep. That's what this is. Yep.

Amena Brown:

It was at a college in Chicago. And so we used that gig as a way for you to fly from Atlanta to Chicago.

Matt Owen:

Exactly.

Amena Brown:

And wherever I was on the tour, whatever city we were in, I had to leave them and fly to Chicago and do this gig. So let me tell y'all something right here. First of all, those of you who either have been in or are currently in long distance relationships, or those of you who are in relationships with someone who travels all the time, the time that you are getting a chance to meet back up together is so limited. I think we had 48 hours together.

Matt Owen:

You're having to come out of the thing, the momentum of what you've been doing. I'm flying in with the momentum from what I've ... We've been in two whole different spaces. Now we got to slow down, jet lag, and be in this space together for a short period of time.

Amena Brown:

And it's a thing where you want that 48 hours to go really well.

Matt Owen:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

Because you can't be like, "Oh. That didn't go so good. Let's just stay an extra day."

Matt Owen:

Let's get a do-over tomorrow. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

You don't have that opportunity.

Matt Owen:

It's what you got.

Amena Brown:

And so there is a little bit of internal pressure on the time you have together, because you only have two days. You're hoping all of those two days are great times, experiences that you're having together. You're booed up. You're holding hands, whatever that is. You do not want to what? Have a married fight.

Matt Owen:

And what did we do?

Amena Brown:

Did indeed have a married fight.

Matt Owen:

First married fight.

Amena Brown:

Our first big married fight, I have to say.

Matt Owen:

Chi town.

Amena Brown:

And ...

Matt Owen:

The windy city.

Amena Brown:

Boy. And I want to characterize for y'all, Matt and I are not fighters.

Matt Owen:

No.

Amena Brown:

I believe that every relationship has conflict, and we have had that in many ways over the years we've been together. But we are not fighters. We don't do a lot of yelling.

Matt Owen:

None.

Amena Brown:

We don't do any yelling, and we don't do a lot of fighting either.

Matt Owen:

I think, if you yelled at me, I'd be pretty broke down. I'd be shocked, first of all, but I'd be ...

Amena Brown:

Right.

Matt Owen:

Who?

Amena Brown:

No. No. And neither one of us grew up in families that yell like that-

Matt Owen:

That's true.

Amena Brown:

... either.

Matt Owen:

Right.

Amena Brown:

So I think neither one of us came from a family of origin space where that's what we felt like we had to do to get our point across. So we're not people who yell, and we are not people who have a whole lot of fights. We have some arguments. We have some disagreements. We have some places of conflict. Right?

Matt Owen:

But they're very careful. I would say we're some of the most carefulest arguers. Well, here's what I meant. And what I heard you say ... I think, because we both have been to counseling, one, so we might fight too fair.

Amena Brown:

Right. Right. I was going to say that. I feel like before we got married, we both had been in therapy.

Matt Owen:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

And since we've been married, we both have had times now of being in therapy. So I do feel that gives you some element of some communications training. So I don't know. If other people were around, they might be like, "What?"

Matt Owen:

We're both laid back people, both kind of peacemaker-ish personalities. I ain't a killer, but don't push me type of thing.

Amena Brown:

I'm working on a project right now, y'all, that I'm working with two folks who are very theater experienced. They're brilliant. And one of the things I've noticed is when it's time to give critique about certain things, they sort of have a very long runway before they get to the critique. Before we move on, I just want to offer a piece of feedback for consideration. These are my thoughts, as I-

Matt Owen:

The wind up.

Amena Brown:

In my own-

Matt Owen:

The pitch.

Amena Brown:

... creative process-

Matt Owen:

The swing.

Amena Brown:

... while I also hold space for the other creative processes that may be present here. And they had to explain to me that in their theater environments they've been in that it's a very intimate process to be doing theater together. You want to make sure you're really holding close and holding tenderly all of the people you collaborate with, from crew to cast and all these things. And I feel sort of like we can be like that.

Matt Owen:

Mm-hmm. So when loading the dishwasher, those metal straws have to go in a certain holder a certain way, or else they're going to fall through. If they fall through ... I think you're doing a great job. I really appreciate you.

Amena Brown:

Y'all. The way that all these years Matt still can't get me to understand which way the toilet roll is supposed to go on the thing. I kind of get it, but then I don't. I'm sure I'm doing it not right every single time.

Matt Owen:

We are lucky. We are very blessed in this house to have more bathrooms than we have people. I think that's maybe one reason we don't argue very much.

Amena Brown:

Right. Right.

Matt Owen:

We got a place to go to. And so being that there are three bathrooms, two people, I feel like it's fair that I ... There is one bathroom that you put that toilet paper whether you like it over the top, which is the right way, or under around the back side of the barn, however you do it.

Amena Brown:

Please. Back side of the barn.

Matt Owen:

We have one bathroom, have at it. Put it sideways. Get creative with it. Whatever you do in there-

Amena Brown:

Origami. Whatever you need.

Matt Owen:

... ain't for me to know. However, them other two bathrooms, if I see it, I'm-

Amena Brown:

You going to switch it around?

Matt Owen:

I'm going to switch it.

Amena Brown:

Okay. Okay.

Matt Owen:

It's going to be a-

Amena Brown:

We've had some times. I'm a big cook, especially at certain points, certain times of the year. Man, we've had some times when Matt had to be the one going to the grocery store, and he would come back with the cilantro seasoning, the dry one, and I would be like, "No. No. No. No. No. No. No. We need it fresh."

Matt Owen:

Man, thank God for camera phones now. First of all, that's old. I just called it a camera phone.

Amena Brown:

Boy. We really try to be people who are not always looking like the age that we might be. But every now and then we do say something that's like-

Matt Owen:

You got you one of them camera phones?

Amena Brown:

That's right. We're in our 40s. I got it.

Matt Owen:

But I've learned now to take a picture of the item and send it to you and be like, "This?" question mark.

Amena Brown:

And I too have had to learn to make sure my phone is not on do not disturb so that all of my husband's texts-

Matt Owen:

(Singing).

Amena Brown:

... do not go unanswered while he is in a very busy store, especially before a holiday. Bless our hearts. So these are now almost 12 years of lessons that we indeed did not have, as we approached what we thought was going to be a fun time.

Matt Owen:

It was a.

Amena Brown:

In Chicago.

Matt Owen:

It was a time.

Amena Brown:

Okay. One other thing that I'm going to tell y'all we didn't realize is we didn't know that Chicago people don't play about St. Patrick's Day.

Matt Owen:

Had no clue.

Amena Brown:

Not a clue at all how big of a deal.

Matt Owen:

It's a big deal.

Amena Brown:

I grew up in San Antonio, and San Antonio has a river walk type of situation, and there'll be certain things people do around the river walk different times. Okay. We were in ... Leigh had to correct me, because I called it Millennium Mile. I know some of y'all from Chicago are just cussing in your car, in your cubicle right now. It's the Magnificent Mile.

Matt Owen:

Okay.

Amena Brown:

Thank you, Leigh. Okay. We were trying to get down to the Magnificent Mile, because, yes, we are two artists who indeed wanted to go to the Art Institute of Chicago. I'm big on a art museum.

Matt Owen:

Love it.

Amena Brown:

Especially if you're in a big metropolitan city like that, you're going to Chicago, you're going to LA, you're going to New York. I'm like, "Yes. This is what we need to do." I'm in New York, it's MoMA for me. I got to stop up in MoMA right quick. So I was very excited because I had never been to an art museum in Chicago. So we decided to be very artsy people, that we were going to go to the Art Institute of Chicago. Also, let's talk about booking hotel rooms using Priceline and Hotwire because that's all you can afford.

Matt Owen:

[inaudible 00:14:45].

Amena Brown:

So I'm going to let y'all know right now that this is how we had to book this hotel. And I used to play big, big games on Priceline. I'm not even sure you can hustle Priceline now the way you could back then, but I'm pretty sure I got us a four star hotel. Maybe it was near the airport. Mind your business. I got us a four star hotel for 56 bucks a night. And it was a-

Matt Owen:

What could go wrong?

Amena Brown:

It was a very nice room.

Matt Owen:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

Until you decided that you wanted to go to the Magnificent Mile.

Matt Owen:

Oh, yeah.

Amena Brown:

And you realized that you were going to have to take-

Matt Owen:

It was a magnificent lots of miles.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Yeah. You was about to take 17 trains, two planes, one helicopter, and a boat-

Matt Owen:

Planes. Trains. Automobiles.

Amena Brown:

... just so you could get back to the part of Chicago you wanted to go to. And I feel for people when they're traveling to a city for the first time, because people give it to us about Atlanta. People will come to Atlanta and end up having a hotel in Duluth somewhere and be like, "Ugh. Why am I so far from everything?" This is pretty much what happened to us, because I had no concept of how Chicago was set up at all, that there are these different ... Kind of like when you're in New York, there are the boroughs. There's different sides of town in Chicago.

Matt Owen:

LA. Different types of cities.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Matt Owen:

It's not all-

Amena Brown:

You can't just bring yourself down there and feel like you're close to everything in these big old cities. So we get our little hotel, which I was very proud of. It was very cute. But then when we looked up how is we going to get ... And I'm assuming there wasn't Uber.

Matt Owen:

No. I think this was pre Uber, pre Lyft.

Amena Brown:

This was pre Uber, pre Lyft. So rideshare did not exist.

Matt Owen:

Nah.

Amena Brown:

Man, we've been married long enough that rideshare-

Matt Owen:

It was you had to catch a taxi. I mean, if you balling like that, get car service. Get a limo.

Amena Brown:

And a taxi was expensive. I mean, especially because I think we were like 45 minutes away. I mean, that still would not have been a super cheap Uber or Lyft ride, but you didn't have Uber or Lyft in the middle. You either had this taxi ride that maybe now you a hundred, and maybe you over a hundred by the time you add in the tip. Or we could get on the train and take ... I think we had to take the train to a bus.

Matt Owen:

I think you might be right.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Yeah.

Matt Owen:

I think you might be right.

Amena Brown:

To get over to the Art Institute. All right.

Matt Owen:

And I think we had to walk. If I remember, we had to walk. There was a underpass we had to walk, and it felt pretty sketchy.

Amena Brown:

That's right, babe.

Matt Owen:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

That's right. The way you had to get from our hotel to the train station was yikes.

Matt Owen:

So it was a journey, and in hindsight I could see what was being set up. It was the perfect storm.

Amena Brown:

Boy. Boy. Okay. So I feel like we just were walking down Magnificent Mile, very booed up. When we were dating, we were people who would walk in Atlanta, certain sides of town. We would walk around and hold hands. So one of the pluses to us being married and in love with each other and traveling for a living meant we could just take our little booed up situation and just drop ourselves off anywhere. We just walk down the streets of Chicago, hold hands like it's Atlanta.

Matt Owen:

Yep.

Amena Brown:

Find out we're in Wyoming somewhere. Hold hands over there. Whatever we're doing.

Matt Owen:

Figure it out. Yep.

Amena Brown:

So we're having a wonderful time. We're down in the area where the M&M's store ... There's like a big M&M's store down there. I remember that. And I had been hearing about the hot dogs in Chicago. And I'm a New York girl, not that I was from there or raised there, but of the major cities in America, New York's my place. That's my town. So I'd had quite a few New York hot dogs. And people in New York ... Y'all fight me in the DMs. But also if you do want to fight me, still DM me, because I could know you listening, and that's nice. But my people in New York were talking sideways about Chicago food. They were like, "Don't go over there and eat their lasagna pizza," and I was like, "Why are they talking that?" And they're like, "They don't know what a hot dog ..." They were talking, and I was like, "I feel like it's not fair for me to participate in this and not know what it tastes like."

Matt Owen:

Let me find out.

Amena Brown:

So we find some kind of hot dog place.

Matt Owen:

I think it was a street vendor.

Amena Brown:

I remember going inside of there, but I cannot-

Matt Owen:

Okay. Well, I'm not going to start another marriage fight about our marriage fight.

Amena Brown:

Please.

Matt Owen:

So whatever you say.

Amena Brown:

I remember going inside there. I remember it was very busy, and so I assume ... Now, y'all, this is partially because we didn't know how big of a deal St. Patrick's Day was.

Matt Owen:

Had no clue.

Amena Brown:

So what we're seeing is a long line that we're thinking is a long line because people love this place.

Matt Owen:

This must be a delicious hot dog popup.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. It's really a long line because it's St. Patrick's Day.

Matt Owen:

If it's a hot dog popup, is it a pupup?

Amena Brown:

Ooh. A pupup. I really ... You did that. I really like that. Let's keep that. Let's keep that in our back pockets in case we need it.

Matt Owen:

If poetry doesn't work out. You know what I mean? Make us a pupup.

Amena Brown:

Boy, I'm about to say. If we go ahead and get a dog-

Matt Owen:

We could be pupupreneurs.

Amena Brown:

Boy. Y'all, please rescue me.

Matt Owen:

My bad. Back to the story.

Amena Brown:

Okay. So we decide to pull up in this place. We decide to pull up in this pupup situation and get this hot dog. Now, because it was St. Patrick's Day, I will give y'all the warning signs that the relish was bright green, not the normal green that relish is. It was bright bright.

Matt Owen:

It was. It was disturbingly green. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

But did we think about that at the time? No. We're very excited to get this hot dog, and I'm in part happy to report, to date at that point in my life, that was the best hot dog I'd ever had.

Matt Owen:

Yeah. It was delicious.

Amena Brown:

Chicago hot dogs ... We're going to have a separate episode where we're going to discuss some of our food adventures on the positive side in traveling. But that Chicago hot dog ... Man, the celery salt really ... That really did some things.

Matt Owen:

It went hard.

Amena Brown:

Like the tomatoes.

Matt Owen:

Narrator voice, "And then it went hard."

Amena Brown:

Oh, my gosh. Everything was so delicious. Okay. We go to get our little hot dog, continue walking ourselves over to the Art Institute. And as we are in the Art Institute, we get into a married fight. Some things was said. Some things was misunderstood. Some things was understood, which is why it made us fight about it. So now we are in this glorious art museum having a very awkward argument, trying to be like, "Are we people who want to try and put this to the side so that we can enjoy the beautiful art?" Can I tell you anything I saw that day? No. Not a thing.

Matt Owen:

Nope.

Amena Brown:

I can't remember anything about that.

Matt Owen:

I was trying to reel it back in. Said something I shouldn't have said.

Amena Brown:

I also want to say that this was either the second day of our trip, or the hot dog we had later in the day, because I also feel like on this same trip we had Chicago pizza and there was glass in it.

Matt Owen:

That was the night before.

Amena Brown:

Okay. Okay.

Matt Owen:

We went and got pizza, and it was ... You know how ... Those big thick beer mugs. It was that glass. It was the biggest, thickest chunk of glass possible in this.

Amena Brown:

I feel like something in Chicago was out to get us, now that I think about this, because-

Matt Owen:

I think it was the devil.

Amena Brown:

Because when we realized the glass was in there, obviously they gave us the pizza.

Matt Owen:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

I think they didn't charge us and then gave us a new pizza.

Matt Owen:

I think so.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. So mind y'all, that happened the night before, so Chicago was already out to get us. We was on the way to down bad in a way we didn't realize. Okay. So whatever happened, we finish up our little visit in the Art Institute. I really can't remember if we both just got so frustrated that we walked out of there, or if-

Matt Owen:

It was awkward. It was awkward.

Amena Brown:

Or if we were really ... I don't remember, but I remember we walked out.

Matt Owen:

I know we weren't enjoying it, whatever it was. No. No.

Amena Brown:

No. We were not having a good time, and I remember we walked out of the Art Institute, and I really strongly remember being so mad that I was stomping almost down the street away wherever we were supposed to be going next, because I don't remember what our next plans were. We had some stuff I think we were trying to do. I don't know if we were going to go shopping. Maybe that's what it was.

Matt Owen:

Maybe.

Amena Brown:

I think we were going to maybe go shopping or something after we left the Art Institute. And I was just stomping down the street, I was so mad. And Matt's trying to talk, and I can't hear him, and I'm trying to talk, and we just ... It's not going good, y'all.

Matt Owen:

No.

Amena Brown:

So continues to stomp, y'all. Continues to have awkward ... It's almost like we got so upset that you're trying to explain to your partner what you meant, and then you trying to explain why you don't like what they meant. You're trying to do all of that while walking down a very crowded street, because, reminder, everyone, it is St. Patrick's Day.

Matt Owen:

And people are drunk.

Amena Brown:

And as the day progresses, it's getting more and more and more packed.

Matt Owen:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

Okay. So now it is getting close to dusk, and we are in considerations of the fact that we are very far from our hotel situation.

Matt Owen:

Were.

Amena Brown:

And maybe we just need to call it on this day and head back to the hotel. But as we're walking down the street ... I don't know if y'all have seen the movie Alien, and I can't remember if this was Alien or Aliens, the second one, but spoiler, there is a scene where Sigourney Weaver is laying on a table and it looks like something is trying to come out of her stomach, and indeed they discover it is an alien.

Matt Owen:

Alien.

Amena Brown:

But it's a lot of writhing around before they realize, "Oh, no."

Matt Owen:

It's a thing.

Amena Brown:

"An alien is inside of her."

Matt Owen:

It's a moment. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

And I want y'all to know that I felt like Sigourney Weaver. As we were walking down the street, now whatever angry feelings I had are being replaced by high concerns, because we're in the middle of a very busy downtown Chicago-ish. Some of y'all from Chicago might be like, "That's not downtown." It felt like downtown to us-

Matt Owen:

As far as we know.

Amena Brown:

... because we're from the country of Atlanta. I don't know. I don't know. So Matt is like, "Hey. Maybe let's go into this Subway, get you some 7 Up," because I don't know who decided that 7 Up, Sprite, and ginger ale going to solve some stomach problems. Maybe they do.

Matt Owen:

They do.

Amena Brown:

I don't know, but that's always the go-to thing.

Matt Owen:

I know it. You know it. Crackers and some ginger ale. That's all you need.

Amena Brown:

That's what you do. So they didn't have ginger ale, so I get the 7 Up. I start to drink the 7 Up. And I have this moment, y'all, that I realize I'm going to throw up. And we're in a part of the city where ... And y'all know what I'm talking about if you've been in these big metropolitan areas. We're in a part of the city where places are like, "You can't use this bathroom unless you are a patron of the business," and some businesses are like, "The bathroom is for employees only." You don't even know there is a bathroom. So I'm realizing that whatever this is is about to come out, and before I know it, y'all, I am throwing up into the street.

Matt Owen:

Middle of the street.

Amena Brown:

This has never happened to me, y'all. I have never just thrown up in public like that.

Matt Owen:

It was rough.

Amena Brown:

Even since then, I do not believe I have thrown up in public like that. And, y'all, because it was St. Patrick's Day, a car full of young white men drives by, sees me throwing up into the street, and whatever their music was they were listening to, they were pumping their-

Matt Owen:

There was a lot of fist pumping.

Amena Brown:

... arms and yelling something, "Get drunk like a white boy. Get drunk like a white boy," at which time ... This is how you know that your person is really for you, because at this point all bets are off regarding said fight that we've had. All I remember is you yelling, "She doesn't feel good."

Matt Owen:

I was ready to fight. It was one of those moments where I was like ... Now we have a rule in our marriage that we try to keep bail money for at least one person. But even still, we keep misdemeanor bail money. We ain't got federal bail money. But I was ready to risk it all at that moment. I was like, "Oh, this a fight. Shirt coming off."

Amena Brown:

I mean, and I think we still did not truly understand how much my throwing up was not uncommon on St. Patrick's Day. In their mind, they're just like, "Oh, yeah. People come out here. People been drinking since 11:00 AM. They just ... Okay." So once I throw up, I'm feeling a little bit better, but now it's really getting concerning, this journey that we have to go back to the hotel.

Matt Owen:

We got a long way back home and a lot of things to get us home. It's not a quick, easy situation.

Amena Brown:

No. I had a Sprite, the one that ... I had 7 Up. I had the 7 Up in my hand, and we had to get on a bus. No. We had to walk to find out where we catch the bus, because I feel like wherever we arrived was at a different spot than where we had stopped to realize I was sick. And you were also feeling sick.

Matt Owen:

Yeah. I'm pretty good with food. I pretty much got a tank, especially at that point in time, my younger years. But I could definitely tell it wasn't right, but I was like, "You got to hold it. Hold it. Hold it together."

Amena Brown:

We were walking as slow as need be to get to the bus, made it to the bus, took the bus to the proper train station.

Matt Owen:

Miserable.

Amena Brown:

And then once we get on that train, we're at least on the train. We didn't have a bunch of stops to make, so it was kind of comforting to know that we didn't have a bunch of stops to make. But then it was also not comforting because I just threw up in public. I just had such a strong urge to throw up that I couldn't stop myself. And so the idea that now most of our journey ... We've got at least 30 minutes on this train. Will I not be able to throw up on our way back? Then a man stands up on the train, because any of you that have been on public transportation know that you could experience all sorts of presentations.

Matt Owen:

Anything could happen

Amena Brown:

Could be someone has a song on their heart. Could be someone has studied the Jabbawockeez and decided that it's a dance they need to do for you.

Matt Owen:

Somebody brought their congas.

Amena Brown:

Could be someone feels you need to be evangelized and they've decided this is the time to pass some tracks, to preach to you. This gentleman, unfortunately ... He is having an even worse day than we are having. But I don't all the way remember what he said on the train.

Matt Owen:

I do.

Amena Brown:

Okay.

Matt Owen:

I do. He was a down-on-his-luck man. I don't know the situation. I don't know the story. I just know that he stood up and yelled that if he didn't get enough money for something, that he was done. He was done. We'll leave it there. And I know I reached in my pocket. I think I had a dub in there, and I walked up to him. I said, "Bruh, I ain't got what you're asking for. Here's 20 bucks. Yo, man. You can do it. Keep on keeping on, playboy," and that was it.

Amena Brown:

So imagine the layers.

Matt Owen:

Yeah. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

The layers of us having gotten into a married fight, having now discovered that at least one of us is sick, and now this man in a very precarious emotional state-

Matt Owen:

Oh, yeah.

Amena Brown:

... has entered the train.

Matt Owen:

Very loudly.

Amena Brown:

And then you're in the moment where you're like, "I know I have 30 minutes on this train. Does he also have 30 minutes?"

Matt Owen:

How-

Amena Brown:

"Is he going to be on this whole ride with us?" Okay. So we make it through that, make it back to the train station. But as I explained to y'all about a Priceline hotel-

Matt Owen:

Oh, man.

Amena Brown:

... it's not like the train station is connected to the hotel.

Matt Owen:

Nah. The walk.

Amena Brown:

We still have a long, dark, and sketchy walk.

Matt Owen:

See, this is one of those places where early on, being a young man who was always like, "Man, I bet we don't need to spend that money," now, in my 40s, I'm like, "Partner, spend that money. Go on. Get that car, playboy."

Amena Brown:

Yeah. I think, in our 40s it would have been like, "Let's catch a cab." If Uber and Lyft were not an option, which they weren't, we would have been like, "Let's catch a cab." Or, bless it, we would have been like, "Let's find a hotel that's down there."

Matt Owen:

Now, granted, at this time, I know I didn't have a credit card. My credit was trash.

Amena Brown:

Yo. You might be saying something right there.

Matt Owen:

So we might have just been making it do what it do.

Amena Brown:

You might be saying something right there, because I don't think I had one either. I had had one maybe a few years before we got married, maxed it out, and then I had spent like two years working really hard to pay that credit card off. And then once it got paid off, I let it close, let it lapse. I didn't even keep it, because I was scared to even have a credit card. So you're right. We just had our little debit cards and whatever cash we had. That's it. That's all it was.

Okay. So I want y'all to know that we finally made it back to the hotel, at which time I think we discover, number one, that it's not just me that's sick, that Matt is sick. We are pretty confirmed that we had food poisoning. So all night ... This is our last night, not only in Chicago, but together, before we had to go our separate ways. I want y'all to know that all night it was, "Okay. But what did you mean when you ... Hold on. Hold on," all night.

Matt Owen:

So what I'm hearing you say is that ... Give me one minute. Give me one minute. Give me one minute.

Amena Brown:

And I'm going to tell y'all something. Of all the time that Matt and I have been married, I am the person who throws up in this family. I hate that this started a trend, because I've been married to Matt almost 12 years, and I really can't recall that I have ever been in your presence when you had to throw up.

Matt Owen:

We've been on the phone one time, and I was slick enough to hit mute, handle business, unmute, and I don't even think you knew it happened.

Amena Brown:

And that feels unfair, because I have now thrown up in public. I have thrown up in a hotel room after discovering that this was indeed food poisoning. I have thrown up in another hotel room when we ate some pizza, some frozen pizza that was supposed to be cooked in the oven but was sold to us like it was microwave pizza.

Matt Owen:

It was not.

Amena Brown:

It's always me though. It's always my stomach that's like, "Something's wrong."

Matt Owen:

That microwave pizza ... As the kids say, that was nasty work.

Amena Brown:

Oh, it was so bad.

Matt Owen:

Oowee.

Amena Brown:

So we're up almost all night off and on the night before we had to leave Chicago, trying to rehash this argument so that we could get to a point of just like, "All right. We talked it out. We're good now." We were not good, but we were also so sick. Get to the airport, and Matt is going back home to Atlanta, because he has a job that is there in Atlanta. He's going back home, and I have to go back to finish the tour. And it's one of those moments like I guess in a way it makes me know that just because you're having an argument with your partner or your spouse, that you could still be like, "Ooh. That really annoyed me," and "Oh, my gosh. I do not want you to have to get on a plane by yourself feeling like this."

Matt Owen:

I felt so horrible. I remember going to ... I don't know if it was the gift shop at the hotel or if it was in the airport, and buying all ... Remember those Pepto Bismol tabs?

Amena Brown:

Yes. Yes.

Matt Owen:

The dry ones?

Amena Brown:

Yes. The tabs.

Matt Owen:

And I bought every one that they had in there. I was like, "Just put these in your ..." I felt so bad, because normally we're on the road together, and whichever one of us is on, the other one of us is taking care of all the other stuff. In this case, you were going your way, I was going my way, and this was the ... I couldn't do any ... I was like, "There's got to be something I could do for her." I felt so terrible.

Amena Brown:

And we had called my mom, because my mom's a nurse, and told her our symptoms, and she was like, "Yeah. That's food poisoning,' and she had told us, "Okay." She was like, "Try to get some Gatorade or Powerade," and she was like, "Dilute it with water. Get some cracker." She had told us what to get. Matt went right away, got the items that she said to get, and sent me with it. And we were just sort of looking at each other like, "This is not how our little romantic Chicago weekend after being apart for two whole weeks ..." Which would be a long time to me today, but newlywed us ... That was like-

Matt Owen:

Forever.

Amena Brown:

... an eternity away from each other. Now having to get on different planes and just hope for the best, hoping that both of us could make it home okay. So I make it to my destination. I'm barely eating anything. I can barely keep down a couple of crackers and some diluted Gatorade. Make it to the gig. And the band I was on the road road with is really a great band. So I would always ... On the tour, I would sit on the side of stage and watch their shows, and that was the one night I did not. Because I had to go on four or five times during the show. So I was going up, doing my little poem, and then I would have to go and sit down, because I was so weak. I mean, we're pushing 24 hours now of just me having crackers and a little bit of Gatorade at that point.

I want y'all to also know that food poisoning on a tour bus is one of the worst things that can ever happen to you, especially when you're traveling with a band but you're not really in the band, which means you're not getting the prime choice of the bed that you got to choose. And in the type of tour bus we were in, the beds were in columns of three, and typically the best bed is the middle bed, but if you don't have high rank in the band, you taking that top bed, because that's the one that's the most challenging to get in.

Matt Owen:

Yep.

Amena Brown:

The feeling that you're going to throw up in the middle of the night while a tour bus is riding down the road ...

Matt Owen:

Playing games.

Amena Brown:

The way your body is shaped like an X, just trying to get down from ... Like your legs are on ... One leg is on one person's bed, and the other leg-

Matt Owen:

[inaudible 00:39:59].

Amena Brown:

The other leg leg on somebody's bed, just trying to see, like, "Am I going to have to go to the bathroom in this tour bus? Are they all going to hear me throw up?" Anyways, whatever the next stop was, I think, after I finally got my stomach to where I wasn't throwing up, I couldn't really eat, but I wasn't throwing up, we tried to rehash our things. We came to some understanding.

Matt Owen:

We did. Learned some things.

Amena Brown:

Did learn some things-

Matt Owen:

Learned some things.

Amena Brown:

... from that argument. Did learn some things. And in a way, y'all, I mean, lives happily ever after.

Matt Owen:

Have not had a green hot dog since.

Amena Brown:

Boy, I did not eat a hot dog for three years after that. The idea of having a hot dog was just like ... I could not. No. No. So I want y'all to understand a few things. Number one, what I learned after we got some friends that are from Chicago is always double check the hot dog place with your friends that live there.

Matt Owen:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

It's the same way if somebody in Atlanta would be like, "I'm traveling down to Atlanta, and I had fried chicken. I got sick." I'd be like, "Why didn't you tell me? I would have told you never, never have fried chicken at that place."

Matt Owen:

Don't go to Gladys Knight's post 2012.

Amena Brown:

Okay. Please. Because you're in for a world of trouble. Okay. So we did get to go back to Chicago and actually have the Portillo's hot dogs after like five years at best.

Matt Owen:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

That is a delicious hot dog.

Matt Owen:

It's a good hot dog.

Amena Brown:

And no food poisoning. Okay. But what we have not been able to do is go back to the art museum. I feel like we need a redo on that.

Matt Owen:

We do. Let's go.

Amena Brown:

We need to go back. We need to go back to there, and whatever things that we think we're going to argue about, we need to stand on the steps and get it all out.

Matt Owen:

Mm-mm. Mm-mm. I'm smarter. I smile and nod.

Amena Brown:

We need to get on the steps right now and just say whatever our things are so we can just go in and just enjoy the art.

Matt Owen:

Some thoughts just belong in your head.

Amena Brown:

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It do be like that sometimes. That's a takeaway. That's a takeaway. I want to give y'all some takeaways from this.

Matt Owen:

Some thoughts belong in your head, and you can't cook pizza in the microwave.

Amena Brown:

Okay. All right. That's a part of it. Also, don't get drunk like a white boy, apparently. I don't know what exactly that means, but I'm just telling you if it means looking like how I looked, throwing up into the street-

Matt Owen:

I think the phrase was white boy wasted, but-

Amena Brown:

Oh.

Matt Owen:

... I didn't want to create another marriage fight, so I just ...

Amena Brown:

No. You right though.

Matt Owen:

In my older wisdom, I smile and nod. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

So what were they ... They were yelling get white boy wasted.

Matt Owen:

Get white boy wasted.

Amena Brown:

Oh, my god.

Matt Owen:

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I-

Amena Brown:

Oh, my god.

Matt Owen:

But yours was was good too. Yours was good too.

Amena Brown:

Well-

Matt Owen:

And the toilet paper can go however you want in your bathroom.

Amena Brown:

Okay. I'm also going to say for your takeaway maybe don't get wasted like a white boy. I don't know what white boy wasted means, but if it means anything close to how I felt throwing up in the street, I'm going to advise you all don't do it. Don't do that. That's how we survived food poisoning and Chicago. But Chicago owes us another romantic two days.

Matt Owen:

Yes, it does.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. We need to go back and just have pizza without glass, and have hot dog with no food poisoning, and have the Art Institute no arguments. We're going to give it a try.

Matt Owen:

Me and you.

Amena Brown:

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women podcast network and partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 103

Amena Brown:

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to a new episode of HER with Amena Brown. We're back in the living room together, and I love when y'all come to the living room, and I also love we have a guest, and we have a guest in the living room with us today, so I want to welcome spoken word poet, writer, model, actor, author of new book The Unfolding: An Invitation to Come Home to Yourself, Arielle Estoria.

Arielle Estoria:

That might have been my favorite intro.

Amena Brown:

That's what you get, Arielle. You get two strong... That's a third one. Three whoops.

Arielle Estoria:

Yes. Oh my goodness. I wish everyone could see this.

Amena Brown:

Thank you so much for joining me. I really appreciate this.

Arielle Estoria:

Oh my gosh, thank you. I feel like this is just an accumulation of so many years and just having been able to be watching and guided by you, whether you know it or not, so this is is this is a gift. This is a gift.

Amena Brown:

Same watching your work, too. And Arielle, for those of y'all, because Arielle and I'll be talking about stuff that's not y'all business, but now we're recording so we can talk to y'all about things that all y'all business. But one of the things we were talking about prior to the recording that we going to let be y'all business is that Arielle and I should have met many years ago. This is not right, and it's not okay. We have a lot of mutual friends. It's so much Venn diagram in both of our lives.

Arielle Estoria:

We've literally been orbiting, just orbiting around each other, but just never meeting. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

We've decided COVID is to blame. COVID is to blame for that, and I hate it. I feel like I want to blame COVID the way people blamed the devil when I was growing up. I really want to be like, "Wow, wow, y'all are letting COVID use you." That's what I feel right now,

Arielle Estoria:

Right? No, and then on top of it, it's like, "Oh, I never want to demonize it," because just that energy of demonizing things in general, but at the same time, I think life could have been a lot different.

Amena Brown:

Why you do that, COVID?

Arielle Estoria:

We didn't have three, four years of this. I don't know. That's all I'm saying.

Amena Brown:

Why you doing it? But we here now, Arielle, we here now.

Arielle Estoria:

We did it.

Amena Brown:

I'm very glad. I also want to let the audience in on something that's really unfortunate about being a poet, because nine times out of 10, especially if you are a poet performing at events, nine times out of 10, you don't meet other poets there, because they only book us one at a time. Why?

Arielle Estoria:

One at a time and hella spaced out in the day, too. You're like, "Oh, you're the morning one, you're the afternoon one, you're the evening," so we just be rolling up just by ourselves.

Amena Brown:

It's not right.

Arielle Estoria:

Got to make something out it. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

It's not right.

Arielle Estoria:

Literally orbiting, just orbiting.

Amena Brown:

See, so I just want y'all to know, a lot of us fellow poets, unless we live in the same city and come from the same poetry scene, if we don't live in the same city, that people make it hard. Unless you're going to a poetry conference, then you'll see.

Arielle Estoria:

There you go. Yeah. Is that a thing? Are there poetry conferences?

Amena Brown:

There are. I am just learning about this, apparently, that there are poetry conferences. Have I been going to them? Apparently not, so now I'm very starved for meeting other poets because I have wonderful, wonderful poetry community where I live. I know you do, too, but sometimes you want to, especially those of us who are traveling, sometimes...

Arielle Estoria:

[inaudible 00:03:59].

Amena Brown:

Yeah. You want to meet some other people. What's it like in your city? What are you doing there in the community?

Arielle Estoria:

I need links to whatever these conferences and things are.

Amena Brown:

These, yes, we need to talk about that.

Arielle Estoria:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

Arielle and I going to figure this out. We going to figure this out, and one day we going to hug each other. It's going to be a time.

Arielle Estoria:

Yes, It's going to be great.

Amena Brown:

It's going to be a time.

Arielle Estoria:

It's going to be great.

Amena Brown:

Okay. I like to describe to my listeners that this podcast space is a living room, because that is the space where I gather with my girlfriends. That's the space where sometimes you need to have a conversation with your girlfriend and you're like, "We can't do this in a restaurant. I really need to be in a home where I can say my things that need to be said, not in a public space." And some of my girlfriends are more fancy with the snacks that they bring.

Arielle Estoria:

Of course.

Amena Brown:

I could get my snack in a gas station and you better be happy about whatever I bring in here, so I want to start with an important question, Arielle. When you are gathering with your girlfriends, your peoples, your homies, your community people that you're very close with them, I want to know, what's the snack? What are you bringing into the space?

Arielle Estoria:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

If you are asked to bring your snack, what is it?

Arielle Estoria:

I am a do the most kind of individual, so we'll start there. If I'm hosting, there will be leftovers. And even of a snack, there's going to be a leftover. I probably will make you take some home. I love a charcuterie.

Amena Brown:

Yes.

Arielle Estoria:

I love a cheese cracker situation, but I'm also going to throw some fruit in there. I'm also going to throw some Marcona almonds with the truffle on it. I'm might even throw in a little something. I don't know how to do things. I am not a nonchalant kind of person. I am all of the chalant. Yeah, if I'm bringing something, then I try to scale back, because obviously that's a lot more work.

But even if I'm bringing something, it's like, oh no, we can't go to Ralph's, which is just a grocery store here in LA, I got to go to Whole Foods because at least I can make a presentation out of me just bringing something, so that's kind of the route I go. Always a charcuterie.

Amena Brown:

I want to say that you had me at truffle, because when you said that, I was like, "Oh, I know the caliber of snack now. Thank you."

Arielle Estoria:

Yes, Truffle almond, and they're shaved down, so all the truffle really gets on the almond. Yeah, that's where we're going. It has to have a truffle moment. That's definitely where I stand.

Amena Brown:

I really like this and I appreciate the much chalant. I appreciate the amount of chalant given to that. I thank you for that, and I feel like we all need a friend who is like you, because sometimes you're missing out on some delicious things of life.

Arielle Estoria:

Yes. And my husband, he's like a, "You're doing too much," and I'm the oldest child, I'm the pastor's kid, so hospitality, whether I want it to be or not, is just in my bones. There's seven, eight of us, so people will be fed. There's just so much in me that can't help it. I'm like, "Yeah, there's two of us, and I did too much. But it's fine. But it's fine."

Amena Brown:

I'm going to commiserate with you and tell you that as a cook, I am a person who it's like, "I don't know how to cook for less than 20 people."

Arielle Estoria:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

It's like I make an individual thing for myself, or it's 20 people. Don't ask me about five. Don't ask me about 17. I don't know. But it's like, I made one pudding cup for myself or it's 20 people.

Arielle Estoria:

Or enough to feed everyone in my apartment complex.

Amena Brown:

And to me, I'm with you. This is also southern Black woman things for me, too, that the worst offense is that you invited someone to your home for food and you ran out of food, so to me, to have an over-abundance of food means what? People pack up and take leftovers with them, there's more to share. I don't see where the error is there, but there's an error in me making food for two people and seven people showed up, and now we don't have enough food. That's really the biggest fear that I have in hosting people.

Arielle Estoria:

Literally. Literally. Yeah. Yeah. I feel that struggle. You probably answer this question all the time, but I'm also curious what you bring.

Amena Brown:

It depends on the mood and it probably depends on the friend. It depends on the mood and the friend, the point of our visit. I feel if we are both tired, I'm a hummus girl. I am a good hummus girl, though.

Arielle Estoria:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

This is a hummus that I have to go maybe to Whole Foods and get. It's a brand that I need to really have. There's a brand called Roots Hummus here in the southeast, and I don't play games about that hummus. There's only two grocery stores I know of that sell that thing.

Arielle Estoria:

Whoa. Okay.

Amena Brown:

And I'm going there so I'm okay. I'm a hummus girl. I probably already have three of them in the fridge. I take one and bring it to your home. But if we're celebratory, then I too to get involved in some charcuterie. But I'm going to tell you right now, it's going to be very ugly, because I'm a terribly not visual person, so if the people were looking for a Instagram worthy charcuterie, I'm more in the ugly, delicious category of charcuterie.

Arielle Estoria:

Yes. We love an ugly and delicious. We do.

Amena Brown:

Wow. That looks terrible. But it's delicious. That's really me where I'm at right now. In my broke days, I have been a person who's like herein, I have a chocolate bar that I broke two squares off of. Maybe I have a bell pepper that I tried slicing a little bit of. And here's a bag of tortilla chips that I ate some late last night and I put a clip on it, and I have arrived to your home.

Arielle Estoria:

Yep. Yes. Yes. All of the layers.

Amena Brown:

Have been that person.

Arielle Estoria:

All of that.

Amena Brown:

I feel of that snacks are very important. I want to also ask you, do you have a favorite snack? Is there a snack that you're like, "This a must have for me?"

Arielle Estoria:

Yeah. I feel like I will always come back to a chips and salsa. I feel like for some reason, it's always going to hit. There's just something about it where you're like, "Oh, I'm not super hungry, but I'm trying to snack." And you just grab it. And it's probably not all salsas. I'm a chunky salsa girl in the mild range is where I sit.

Amena Brown:

I like it. I like it.

Arielle Estoria:

Yes. I feel like a chips and salsa is kind of where I'm always going to go. I love an almond anytime, really, I have a wide variety of almond loves. But also, I have a sister who's allergic to nuts, so I'm not about to bring that. That's almost like my thing. I know that they can have a nut that they can be around those. If not, then I'm steering clear, but I will always have them in my home, so they are in accessibility and we can add it to the mix.

But chips and salsa, for sure. I think that's the first one. And I love a popcorn. I love a popcorn. Love a popcorn. I'll bring a bag of, is it Annie's? I think, yeah. I'll bring a bag of popcorn or I'll make popcorn. I grew up kernels on the stove. Do not give me a machine.

Amena Brown:

Okay, okay.

Arielle Estoria:

Melt the butter, shift it, shake it, salt, shift it, shake it. I love a good kettle popcorn. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

When you said on the stove. I was like, "Come on. Come on, Arielle, the people need it."

Arielle Estoria:

It has to be on the stove.

Amena Brown:

The people need it.

Arielle Estoria:

I've done the machines. It doesn't taste the same. It does not taste the same, and you can't convince me that it does.

Amena Brown:

No, the people need it.

Arielle Estoria:

I love a stove popcorn.

Amena Brown:

I'm here for everything about this. Okay. I want to talk about your poet origin story, because we are going to get into the book. I'll say the title again for you listeners. The Unfolding: An Invitation to Come Home to Yourself. And I'm selfishly asking this because I'm just curious and want to know, but was there a moment that you knew you wanted to write poetry? And was there a moment you knew you then also wanted to perform it? Because for those of us who perform poetry, those two moments are not always the same.

Arielle Estoria:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

What would you say is your origin story there?

Arielle Estoria:

I would say that I didn't have that I knew I wanted to write moment. I always wrote, I didn't know how to process, to think, to feel without doing that, so that just was a very natural thing I had to do, if that makes sense. And not out of like, "Oh, poetry was keeping me captive," but I needed that. And in some cases, it needed me, so writing was always like, "Yeah, I do this. Yeah, this is how I heal. Yeah, this is who I am."

It was the performing that definitely came a lot later. My performing background is theater, first and foremost, so before I was writing so poems that I would say out loud, I was writing plays and short stories and monologues and things like that that just were in this very poetic way. And it wasn't until college where I had someone say, "That was spoken word." And I'm like, "No, that was a monologue," that I realized that they were actually really connected and I was already doing it without knowing that I was doing that.

The performing came through theater, and I have always been an on stage kind of person. And I shut down a lot of that just because of my upbringing, and a lot of that is in the book as well, but I shut down a lot of it in a sense of this is not glorifying to God. You can't be an artist and creative unless it just is scripture, scripture, scripture, God, God, God, and so I kind of shied away with doing that thing, because I was like, "Oh, I can't do this. This is glorifying to me, not to the Lord." Which I've done a lot of that and it's my profession now. And so that's where my origin for performing and writing came from.

And then it wasn't until college where I'm into my psych degree thinking that I'm about to work at a university and be in the student development world, that I was like, "Maybe I should actually give this more of a try." And it had been all throughout college of the performing aspect, now realizing through theater, "Okay, this is actually a whole nother creative realm that I have not fully tapped into." And I went to an arts high school. Again, theater, all of it was theater and writing, so I was kind of teetering on that world.

And then spoken word specifically came in college, and I competed for two years on a slam team, and then was president of our poetry club, and then carried that out to conferences and things like that. It all snowballed together, but the writing had always been the core of everything.

Amena Brown:

I love that. Tell me, who are some of your favorite poets?

Arielle Estoria:

One of them that I will probably always say is my coach. His name is Brian. His poetry name is Superb or Super B, and he has this one poem, and it will be the thing that haunts me in the most beautiful way, forever and ever, and he ties the beginning of his poem to the end of poem, but the way he does it is just every person, every detail connects back and then circles right back around. And it is about basically death in his grandma. And it's just stunning. He is a storyteller that I just love his heart, I love his personhood, and I'll always go back to.

Kind of my OG in awe people that I think will carry with me forever is Sarah and Phil Kaye. They're still on YouTube. Their poem about each other and Why They'll Never Date is one of my favorites. Their poem about When Love Finds You is one of my favorite. And then Sarah Kay on her own is also a poet who I think the first spoken word in a sense with her Ted Talk with "A Poem to my Daughter," that was the first poem I was like, "Let me try to write a version of this myself." And they're both based in New York City.

And then I'm getting more into... Sadly, I realized a lot of, besides Maya Angelou, I didn't grow up with learning or knowing about a lot of Black poets, so I'm coming back into that space. Ntozake Shange, who's a poet, but then also a playwright. I'm really getting back into her work. Warsan Shire, and I hope I'm saying their name right, but they're just this floating entity that's like there and not there. But then when you read their work, you're like, "What? Who is this? Where did this come from?" And if you're not familiar with them, Beyonce had her, I think, in Lemonade.

Amena Brown:

Yes. Yes indeed. Yes, indeed.

Arielle Estoria:

Yeah, those are the ones that come to mind now. I think every time I answer that question, it's different except for the Phil and Sarah, Kay, and then my coach, Brian. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

Oh, I love that. Yeah. I'm not going to lie, Warsan and Lemonade, specifically watching the film Lemonade, not knowing at first that was Warsan Shire's work that we're hearing. I literally watched it the first time and thought, "If this is Beyonce writing spoken word for the first time," I really contemplated, Arielle. I was like, "Maybe this isn't the career for me. Maybe this isn't." Because if Beyonce could just sit down randomly mad as hell at her husband and write this... I've been trying a long time, and for Beyonce to try one time and it sounds like that,

Arielle Estoria:

And then be like, yeah.

Amena Brown:

The first time watching it through, I was like, "I don't know." I really questioned my career choices. And then I went on Twitter and everybody was like, "Oh my God, we're so excited, Warsan." And I said, "Woo, okay, all right. Okay. Because, Beyonce, don't do me. Don't do me. Don't show up and you ain't been writing poems and now you writing a poem and it sound like that." But when I saw Warsan Shire her name, I said, "Ooh, I got a chance."

Arielle Estoria:

Oh, thank God.

Amena Brown:

There's room for me. There's room for me. Okay.

Arielle Estoria:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

Okay.

Arielle Estoria:

Yes, yes, yes, yes. I want more of them. She knows she's a gift. They know they're a gift. I'm like, "Where are you? Are you in London?" I need to know where you are, what you're doing.

Amena Brown:

It's giving Sade. I think Warsan Shire gives us the poet's version of Sade. It's like, Warsan, speaking out a book, a thing that Warsan has done, and then Warsan just dissipate into their personal life, and I feel like that's a Sade vibe, because Sade be like, "Ah, Soldier of Love," and then just dissipates into her personal life. She doesn't care. Sade doesn't care. Y'all wanted to interview, y'all want to know what I'm doing. It doesn't matter. When I feel like putting an album out, I do it and then I tour and then I disappear into the stratosphere, and I feel that's a Warsan vibe.

Arielle Estoria:

I need more of that.

Amena Brown:

I feel that's a Warsan vibe, so shout out to Warsan Shire for giving us hope that we too could be poets.

Arielle Estoria:

Thank you.

Amena Brown:

Okay. I want to ask about another favorite. Are you a person that watches reality TV show? Do you watch the genre of reality TV?

Arielle Estoria:

Okay.

Amena Brown:

And if you do, do you have a favorite that you could share with us?

Arielle Estoria:

Sure. Love is Blind is the only... No, I am not. I don't like reality TV. I never liked reality. I'm also an Enneagram 4 so I don't do well with this level, especially when it comes to television, which I think is creating... As an actor too, I'm like, "That's money there. That's movement. That's creativity," so whenever it's just like, "I'm there to binge trashy stuff," my heart's like, "I can't, can't function."

But thank you to COVID, I did fall for The Love Is Blind situation, and I watched all seasons up until the most recent, and the most recent reminded me, "This is reality TV, and I don't do that shit." I was like, "And I'm done, and that's a wrap." I tried The Circle because my sisters are obsessed with it. Couldn't. We watched one season of Too Hot to Handle. Couldn't. Yeah, even the spinoff of Love Is Blind, I think I watched one episode. The Ultimatum.

Amena Brown:

Oh, that's right.

Arielle Estoria:

I watched one episode of the Ultimatum. I said, "Absolutely not. I can't, I cannot." Love Is Blind is the only one. And I went through years of everyone around me just living and breathing The Bachelor. And I said, "I can't. I would rather sit in my room, eat peanut butter and watch reruns of Psych." And that's a lot of what I did, while my whole hall had parties for The Bachelor. I said, "I'm not doing this."

Love Is Blind has been the only one. And I only really watched it for Lauren and Cameron. And then I got sucked in, and now I'm out.

Amena Brown:

I have to agree with you here about Love is Blind. Shout out to Lauren and Cameron, because I feel like if that had not been the first season, because I think we're three seasons now. I feel like if the seasons had been switched around and Lauren and Cameron season had been two or three, I would never have watched it. It was something about their season that really made you believe in the format, which then took me into the second season.

But by the time it got to this one, I was like, "Oh, that's right. This don't work." But I'm glad it worked for Lauren and Cameron. Shout out to them.

Arielle Estoria:

For them, it worked. We love them. And I was like, "She teases." She posted something that was like, "Were you wearing [inaudible 00:23:24] stuff?" And I think I commented, I was like, "Come back on this show and host it." The hosts are a whole different subject. I'm just like, "And it's not an experiment anymore. It's only an experiment if you do it the one time. Now, people know the outcome and they know they can grow a following. They can get a podcast, they can boo boo." And I'm like, "Yeah, I'm not. I can't do this anymore."

Amena Brown:

You were told not one lie.

Arielle Estoria:

I did like the first two seasons, though.

Amena Brown:

They were so great. The first two seasons were really wonderful.

Arielle Estoria:

They were so great.

Amena Brown:

Something about this last season had me like, "Oh, that's right. This is feeling terrible." But I'm not going to lie, listeners, I'll be talking trash, and when season four come on, I'm going to probably watch it anyways, so don't worry, Arielle. Don't you worry, girl. I'm going to probably watch it and just be messaging you. "You don't have to watch, but let me tell you."

Arielle Estoria:

Even this last season, I was like, "I'm done. Two seasons, I'm good." But my sister, she got posting on Instagram and now I'm like, "Now I need context. Dang it." Then I watched and then I sucked my husband in, and at the end of it, we were like, "We can't get this back."

Amena Brown:

Can't get none of that time back.

Arielle Estoria:

We can't undo it. And you want to binge it because you need to know. All of it is just wired for addiction and I hate it.

Amena Brown:

That's not a lie. That's not a lie. Okay. I want to talk to you about your book process, because I'm always curious about how book ideas arrive to authors. How did the idea for Unfolding come to you?

Arielle Estoria:

Yeah, yeah. In 2018, actually, there was this weird sweep of publishers reaching out, honestly, I think to people with Instagram followings. I think that's completely what it was. They don't really know that I could write, but they're just like, "You post a graphic, I think you are it." And so in 2018, I just said no to four different publisher, because I didn't have it.

And I'm very much so, if an idea is nested, I can birth it. I see it, I start dreaming about it, I'm working on content tomorrow for the book, just like Q and A, reading some quotes and also a new poem I wrote called Prayer for the Church Girl. And I can see all of it in my head. I can see the visuals, I can see the dancers, I can see everything. For this, when they were asking, I was like, "I can't envision any of this." And that really sat in my spirit of, "I don't think it's time yet." I said no to every single one of them.

And then a few months later, I met my now literary agent, and she was the first person to say, "You don't have to write a book right now. If that's not in your spirit, you don't have to do that," so I released it. And then a year later, a whole lot of things happened. I got engaged to a person that was not a lot of people's first choice, and my faith started starting to do this unravel thing.

Everyone talks about deconstructing. I don't like that term. I also think that negates a lot of the Black experience. And so for me it was just like, this word feels so heavy and so just destructive. And I was like, this doesn't feel like me. And also at the same time, I don't feel like I'm becoming this new person. I just feel like I'm folding back these layers, hence The Unfolding.

And then it came time where I just kept spilling poem after poem and experience after experience. And a year later, then another publisher came, reached back out. But this time, I knew The Unfolding. I had written it in my notes a year or two before that. I was like, "Oh, this might be a new spoken word album." I didn't know what it was, but just The Unfolding. And I just put that in my notes. And then eventually, the book started to form and I was like, "Oh, the book is called... Okay, great."

I don't know how your creative process comes, but sometimes you get these downloads, these dumps, these inklings, whatever you want to call it, and you don't know where they go. You don't know what it could be for, or you do, but there's some, like the title, I didn't know what it was going to be until those poems started to form. And then I called that process The Unfolding, and then pitched it, and then started writing more consecrated within that storyline.

Obviously working with a publisher, getting notes and getting feedback from a third person. This is my first under a publisher book. My first two were just poetry. It was with other people, it was self-published, but having a little bit more hands in the kitchen, as I like to say, definitely helped with creating this really full and really beautiful thing. Even though I had the initial idea, I knew what the title was going to be when it came time for that, all of that, I knew what the vibes and the visuals were for. And then all of that came together within the last two and a half years.

I signed the contract in October of 2019, and I've been writing it up until, honestly, in the middle of last year is its final notes, and then recorded the audiobook in December, and then she's out in March.

Amena Brown:

Nice. Oh my goodness. Listeners, as you are hearing this, Arielle's book is out there where you can get it in your hands if you're a person that needs that physical book that you can turn the pages to. You can also hear the audio, which I think is going to be really gorgeous because your voice is such an important part, not just in the figurative sense of voice, but your literal sound of your voice is so important to your work, so I think it's going to be dope.

You can engage this way. You can get it on your Kindle or your iPad or whatever your tablet situation. You have all sorts of things, so if you didn't click on the link already, we need you to do it right now. Okay. This is what I want to know, Arielle. When you were writing, in general, do you find yourself a person that writes to music? And if so, did you find yourself feeling inspired by any particular musical artists or genres of music while you were working on the book?

Arielle Estoria:

Yeah, I tend to always write to instrumental music. I tend to avoid words. Some artists, some creatives can, and I find this is a lot of screenwriters and things like that, they can write things and it come from music. But I'm also like, that doesn't get in as messy of a detail as it does with copyright and stuff, so I really try not to have words. That way, I'm not just typing out someone's lyrics, subconsciously thinking it's a poem.

I write to instrumental music, and that's that instrumental music that really builds. I love people's names I can't pronounce. They're probably German composers. They're probably from some other space. I have a playlist usually that I rotate through, and I'll write through that space. And then specifically, there is a song by an artist, a Canadian artist, his name is Luca Fogale. And it was like funny, I'm in the process of writing already. I have the title and then my friend Ruth D. Lindsay, she posts this song called The Unfolding by Luca Fogale. And I was like, "Okay, wild."

And I listen to it and I just start weeping because all of it is literally what I'm experiencing and also writing. And some of the lyrics are just like, "You're not breaking, you're unfolding. You are not broken, you are not breaking, you are unfolding. And he himself comes from somewhat of a faith background, and so all of it just was so timely, and so that specific song, in some spaces of editing and writing, I just listened to that over and over and over again. And I do quote him in the book. That's just a specific song.

But then most instrumental. I love Amanda Lindsey Cook instrumental. I love a real strong instrumental Sleeping at Last. Those are all people that give me a vibe, give me a feel. And I'll usually get sparked or creatively ignited by that.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. I also love what you said earlier about waiting until you felt like you had something to say in this book or waiting for the idea to arrive to you. And I do think it's interesting, I hear this a lot among us as writers and authors, people from various and sundry corners of the business and life coming to you like, "Oh, it's time. It's time for a book."And sometimes the idea isn't there, or the place inside your own soul where you're ready to write about whatever the story is or where you know what the idea is.

And I just really wanted to say, I think that is an important word for all of us listeners here, to wait for the idea to say. And I think that applies to books, but I think it applies to a lot of creative work that people can come into your life and say, "Oh, it's time. The next stage of your career, you need to do blank," whatever that is. It's a book, it's an album, it's a whatever it is. And really not letting that be the pressure, but giving yourself the space to see what the poem, the book, the album actually wants to be.

Arielle Estoria:

Yeah. And also knowing that "it's time" doesn't mean now. We've associated it's time, so in this moment, but it's time could be a very wide range. That could be a year, that could be a few months, but just know that you're grounding and centering and preparing yourself for that time. But "it's time" doesn't mean now. I knew there was a book. I felt that there was something, but I just knew timing wise, and my husband was always like, "Time's a construct." He just goes on a whole thing.

But in a sense, I'm like, "Actually, I do kind of see that," because we put ourselves in these constraints when time is into the conversation. But I think, one, I believe in orchestration, and I believe in divine timing. I believe in things happening in synchronous ways. We think it's time. I think we can release ourselves from thinking that means right now in this breath.

I think that means when that it's time, not warnings, but reminders or thoughts come up, I think using that as more of a space of, "All right, I clearly need to start preparing myself for something or to be open to the idea." I think once I'm open to something, then it's like, you see a car that you buy, and you start seeing it everywhere. I think similarly, ideas and creative processes is similar for me in a sense of, "Ooh, once I start that, okay, I'm putting it in there. Do what you want with it, God. Do what You want with it."

That's when I start to be like, "Oh, look at that idea. Okay, put it and store it," but know that it's time doesn't mean right now in this moment, and you can release yourself, I think, from that idea.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Oh, that's so good, just to give your creative self the patience and give the ideas the patience. I think I was just talking with a girlfriend of mine and I was saying we have to try to be patient with the ideas. I know you've experienced this as a poet, too. I have some poems that like, "Ooh, that came quickly." And then I have some that they just take months to write. They take years to write. And it doesn't matter how many times I try to rush a little two lines at the end so I can finish it. The poem will be like, "I'm not done. Let me do what I'm doing here. Let me have my say the way I want to, not the way you want me to."

And I think that is a challenge of creative work, but also, it's what draws us back, because that's the journey of getting to see what the ideas want to be, so I think that's lovely. Okay. I want to ask you, what was your favorite thing about this book? It could be about the process of writing it. It could be about you now being able to look at the whole thing now that it's written. What's your favorite thing?

Arielle Estoria:

My favorite part of the process was definitely the audiobook. I think being a spoken word poet, it just was so exciting. And they gave me this whole long preparation and they're like, "It's a lot of sitting, it's a lot of speaking." And it was kind of scary at first, but then I was like, "This is my wheelhouse, this is my arena." And I had a director in my ear, and she was just so lovely and guiding, as well. And we finished in a day and three hours, I think. It went so fast.

But I think getting to that part, and then also reading my acknowledgements out loud. Again, I'm an emotive, I'm a sensitive person, so crying is not necessarily I'm sad. It's just like, I'm processing, I'm feeling, I'm happy, it can be a lot of different things. I did the whole book and I was like, "Okay, I didn't cry." And my best friend who's also photographer, she was like, "I was kind of expecting that you would." And then we get to the last day, and I'm reading who I'm thanking for guiding me, for knowing me before a book even comes out, before a book deal, for being part of the process, whether they know it or not. And that part is what made me really emotional.

I think I just kind of saw this wave and these years of... I knew I would be a creative, I knew I would be a writer. I just never fully envisioned what that would entail and what that could fully look like, so being in that space was just this overwhelming gush of gratitude, and so that's where I ended up crying. And I think that audiobook was definitely... It was almost like that part where you're like, the adrenaline after you give birth and people are like, "Oh my God, a baby, look what I did." And you forget the pain, you forget how much time. You forget all those things. That's what I've been told.

It was like that moment where I was just like, "Look at this beautiful thing. I birthed it out." I was like, "Oh, I miss it. I want to do it again. I want to have this moment again." I think the audiobook was also my final moment where I was like, "Oh, this is my last intimate moment with my book. Just me and her." I guess I'll call her her. Just me and her. And it was that last moment of, "Okay, I'm about to release you. You're allowed to be out in the world." I think that was a really beautiful moment.

And I loved the process of writing it in different ways. I went outside a lot, as much as I could, and I enjoyed that. But I think the audiobook makes me want to do it all over again. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

Oh yeah. I love that. I love that. I love about the book that it is this combination of non-fiction and poetry together, so I really enjoyed that mix of getting a chance to know some of the... Sometimes it's the background connected to how a poem got written. You also are taking us through the phases that happened in The Unfolding, which I thought was such a beautiful way to think about that, because I think, especially in different developmental stages of life, I think we think of that as far as childhood development, but I don't think we think about it as much as the developmental phases that we experience as adults.

And sometimes we are experiencing this shift of who we thought we were going to be, and maybe now, that's a different something. Or the family of origin that we're from, and maybe now we realize some things we believe or want to do in life or want to be that are different than maybe we were raised to be. And there are a lot of those shifts.

It's not that what you were giving us in the book reminded me of the stages of grief, but in the way that when you're grieving, the stages of grief give you a context as to, "Where am I in the process?" even though it isn't a linear thing. And I think in The Unfolding, the phases you're giving us there in the book, give us a way to say, "Okay, I'm here. I see myself at this portion of that, and I may experience these phases at different times." Would you say that the process of unfolding has not felt linear to you, as well?

Arielle Estoria:

Yeah, not at all. And I say in the book, I was like, "Do not hold this to being a linear thing." I think we discount any stage of any part of life when we view it and think we're experiencing it linearly. And I think that's our human need to control. I think that's our human need to know what's happening and know what's going to come next. There's a lot of safety in that, especially for trauma healing and things like that.

But also, to know that something is cyclical, I think there's peace there. And knowing that, one, I'm not going to stay here the whole time, but two, I could come back to this point. And when we come back to it, we learn a little bit more that time around. It definitely is cyclical. And even as I'm sitting it two, three years now, there's little parts of me that are still coming back to part one. I get to the point where I've mended in and I've returned, and now I'm all the way back at the beginning where I say it's the awakening. I feel like I'm realizing and seeing new things.

And especially now as I'm in my space of faith, I'm just like, "I am tired of hearing from white people." That's just kind of like where I'm at in my space, and so I'm trying to immerse myself in Black authors, in Black theology, in Black liberation conversation. I feel like I'm just awakening all over again. I think giving yourself grace in that space, to know that you could get here again, you could go backwards, you could be on the next level of eclipsing while you're in the middle of illuminating, and all of it is just part of it. It's all part of it.

And there's no right or wrong. There's no good or bad. That's the unfolding, that's where we're at. We're experiencing all of it and what it means to be human and changing, growing.

Amena Brown:

I love it. I love it so much. The way Arielle trying to get me in my tear ducts, y'all. She trying to get me right here in my tear ducts. Arielle, you are now going to have this experience of having written this book, and now, the book going into the hands of people reading it, some who are very familiar with your work, some who will be meeting your work for the first time. What do you hope the reader walks away with? If they have their physical book and they close the end of it, they get to the end of their audiobook recording, they get to that part of the ebook where it gives you other links to the author and all that, what do you hope the reader is gaining from the book when they get to the end?

Arielle Estoria:

Yeah. I think first and foremost, I hope that I'm taken out of it. I think just constantly, as an artist, as a creative, you're only left with, "Wow, that was so cool of her," or, "I love X, Y and Z of her," or, "That was great." I feel like then I didn't do what I was supposed to do in there. And each of the phases end in reflection questions, specifically so that I'm taken out of it. I teach yoga and I've been saying in my classes, I'm like, "I am a guide, but you are the teacher. You know your body more than anyone knows your body. You know what feels good, you know what comes next. I'm just here to guide what you already know."

And I think I'm trying to do that with the book, as well. I think I'm calling it The Unfolding, but you could have called it something entirely different for the last five years. We're just creating another name for it. I hope that first and foremost, I'm taken out of it.

And then I think, secondly, there's this exhale of like, "Okay, I'm not alone. Okay, I'm not crazy in this. Okay, there's solidarity, and that I can trust myself in this process of moving forward." I think the greatest works sometimes are the works we read and we're like, "I knew this. I knew this about myself," or, "I knew this was happening," or "I had that thought and I didn't know how to execute it the way I wanted to."

And then there's the books and the things we read that challenge and bring up new ideas, so I hope there's a mix of both. Some of trusting yourself and then also some of like, "Okay, I didn't know that or I didn't expect that. And now I can put that in that space for myself." And I hope it's something you can pick back up, whether it's just the poems or whether it's the reflection questions to journal, and your own thought process and your own healing.

Those are kind of the goals. And maybe a few tears, because I hope that this heals a little bit. I hope that it brings about healing and orchestrates healing that maybe you're already navigating, as well. I think those are my main things in my heart in terms of what I hope people get from it.

Amena Brown:

I love that. Tell the people how they can follow you, how they can stay connected to your work. And also tell the people how they can buy this book. How they can buy five copies. That's what we want. Five copies at a time. Five copies. Because if you buy five copies, the thing is, you've always got one for yourself. And then when people come over sometimes, if you got a physical book, they'd be like, "Oh my gosh, I always wanted," and now you got a extra one. You could give it to them for gifts. Random birthday parties. You have a lot of things you could do with five copies. Where can they follow you and buy five copies of the book, Arielle?

Arielle Estoria:

You can go to my website, which is just my name, Arielle with two Ls and E, Estoria, E-S-T-O-R-I-A.com. You can buy the book through there. I list a few different spaces like Bookshop, but then also if you want to support Black owned, there's Reparations Bookstore on there, as well. If you're local, go into a local bookstore and purchase from there. Go to a physical space. I still believe in physical books. I still believe in physical book spaces, so if you can walk into your Vroman's or something physically, then please do that, as well.

And then everything social media wise is also my name, Arielle Estoria. Instagram, it's kind of like you might as well be emailing me at the same time, so I respond to DMs. I don't have someone controlling my Instagram. People are always very shocked by that. And I'm like, "It's still me." I respond to your DMs. Please message me. Please send me pictures of you reading and engaging. Please let me know how this process is for you and with you. And also just free to hang out with me over there.

Amena Brown:

Arielle, thank you so much for doing this.

Arielle Estoria:

Thank you.

Amena Brown:

It was a wonderful excuse to get a chance to at least e-meet you, and one of these days y'all, me and Arielle are going to get this hug. I'm telling y'all right now, you going to get this hug and it's going to be great. Thank you for joining me.

Arielle Estoria:

It's going to be great. Thank you for having me.

Amena Brown:

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 102

Amena Brown Owen:

Hey everybody, welcome to a new episode of HER With Amena Brown. And let me tell you, hey, this is actually a crossover episode. So I'm going to introduce to you a fellow podcaster who is here with me. So those of you that are listening on her feed, you are listening to an episode of Ground Control Parenting as well. So we're going to be here having a wonderful experience. I want to welcome fellow Seneca Women Podcast Network podcaster, host of Ground Control Parenting, a podcast about the joy and the job of raising black children, Carol Sutton Lewis.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Hi, thank you so much. As you know, I've been waiting to do this for a while. I'm really excited to be here and I'm excited about this crossover. This is very cool. So I'm really excited about us doing this.

Amena Brown Owen:

So let me ask you, this was not in my list of questions, but I'm going to ask you so that our listeners can have this setting. I'm always telling my listeners that we are in a living room. When you imagine your listeners, your community around Ground Control Parenting, what's the space in the home where you imagine you are with them?

Carol Sutton Lewis:

That is such a good question. I would say it's probably the space where I am now, which is, we call it our family room or our sitting room. It's where my family gathers and when friends come, they gather. It's not quite the living room, it's the formality of a living room. It's like where we all sprawl and play games and watch TV. So I am so dedicated to the concept of having conversations. For me, it's a lot of parenting conversations, but conversations in areas where you can feel relaxed and be yourself. And so this is a room that I think that happens in. I like that question. I'm going to have to think about that when I'm talking to people.

Amena Brown Owen:

Right. Right. I love that. I love that informal living room. Many of us, especially those of us who are Black and grew up in our Black families, we remember the family members that had the formal living room where you were not allowed to cross that threshold. We're talking about a living room you could take your shoes off and hang out. So I love that. Welcome to all of the Ground Control Parenting listeners and community who are here and welcome to my HER With Amena Brown listeners as well. I'm excited for us to talk a little bit today, Carol.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Same here. And I just have to say to follow up on the living room, true confession. We had that formal living room where literally there was plastic on the couch until the company came. I mean I had a friend that used to joke that they had a velvet rope.

Amena Brown Owen:

Yes, that's it.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Because you could not just go into that living room, you were only special occasions and God forbid anybody see it with a plastic on. When company comes, you rip that plastic off And then...

Amena Brown Owen:

My dad and my stepmother had a living room like that and we were only allowed to go in it for family pictures. That was the place where we took family pictures. That was our one time where we got to sit down actually on the couch itself. Otherwise, I was only in there to clean it up. And I was like, "Why am I in here cleaning up a room, I can't even sit in here?"

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Okay. When this comes out, I'm going to put up on Instagram a picture of my family sitting in the living room with a family picture because that's exactly, exactly what we did.

Amena Brown Owen:

For sure. I got to find mine too, Carol. I'm going to work on mine too. Well, part of how Carol and I met is that we are both podcasters under the Seneca Women Podcast Network and it was just wonderful to get a chance to talk with you and hear a bit more about your podcast journey leading up to being on the network because we both had podcast journeys prior to coming onto the network and now experiencing how we sort of change a little of maybe the format and things of what we're doing, but not who we're talking to and not why we started our podcast in the first place. But before I get to that, you have told us that you would imagine you are in your family room with your listeners. I want to know what is the snack? If the people were there in your home, is there a snack that you would offer? Is there a favorite dish that when people come to just hang out, that's a dish they know they're going to have at your house?

Carol Sutton Lewis:

So I will answer that. I love to have people over. I love to be a hostess. I don't get to do it as much as I like. I love the presentation, not the biggest cook in the world, but I love the presentation. So snack presentation is high on my list, put it out on the plates. And there's usually a hybrid because I tend to eat fairly specifically healthfully, if you will. I mean, I'm not a big potato chip fan, I'm not a big Doritos fan.

However, because a good hostess has to have stuff for everybody, so I will have my almonds and my guac because guac is really healthy. Guacamole and chips. I'll have some cheese and crackers, even if I'm not doing dairy, some days I do, some days I don't. If I'm not, whatever. I'll have the cheese and crackers, I'll have the guacamole. And then I'll have some kind of chip, some kind of interesting chip, sort of some flavorful chip and let people sort of have at whatever they want. I like giving an array of snacks. I like making people feel like there's bounty, there's good opportunity to snack if you want it. So there are a lot of them, whatever they are.

Amena Brown Owen:

I like a bounty of snacks. I'm really glad you brought that word here for us because if I'm going to have a bounty of something, it is snacks that I want to have a bounty of. I appreciate what you said about an interesting, a unique cracker or unique chip. 'Cause when you come across a little rosemary olive oil cracker, you're like, and this is not just a saltine, I'm supposed to layer my Colby cheese on top of this. I appreciate the choices there, Carol. This is good work today. Okay, talk to me about your podcast. I love an origin story, Carol, because I think it's helpful when people are listening. Sometimes we don't know that ideas are germinating with us. We don't realize it. And so I think it's always good for people to know the origin story because they might realize, oh, I have an idea in me. So what was the original moment that made you go, I need to take this to a microphone?

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Okay, so I'll give you just a teeny bit. I tend to tell a long story. I will try to tell a short story.

Amena Brown Owen:

Okay.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

I'll give you a teeny bit about the origin of Ground Control Parenting, the concept, and then I will fast forward to Ground Control Parenting, the podcast.

Amena Brown Owen:

Got it.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

So I am a lawyer by training. I have three children who are now grown. And much to my surprise, when I started having children, I was actually more interested in spending more time with them than I thought. That sounds weird, but I really enjoyed, I mean I knew I would like having them around, but I really enjoyed spending time with them and watching how they developed and doing all I could to support that. And just a quick aside, I had a girl first and then two boys. I grew up with two older brothers, one of whom I literally grew up with and the other one was my half-brother, who is much older.

But to make a very long story short, I loved my brother who was closest in age to me dearly. But I could see from an early age that he was definitely dancing to a somewhat different drummer than certainly my parents wanted. And so I watched the dynamic of a very loving family. My parents were great and they loved us both dearly, but they had some trouble understanding my brother. He wanted to be an artist and we were a family of educators and my father was a lawyer. I mean there was a different headset and for Black people, families in that era, 'cause he is older than I, it was tough for my family, my father in particular, to make that make sense for himself.

So watching my parents with my brother and watching there be a little struggle along the way, fast forward to when I had children and I had a boy, I thought, Ooh, I don't really have a great role model for boys and I'm having this Black boy and now in America I need to really focus on how to do this a little differently.

And as I said, I'm a lawyer, I went to school for a long time, what do I do when I don't know? I do research. So I dove into sort of boys and how boys work. And so I started when my first son was born, really amassing information and going to parent groups, not with an anxiety about it, but more like, let me know what I don't know and let me think about how I should think about this. And over the course of the years with my kids, I tended to keep researching and thinking about parenting in ways like, I don't know the answers, but I know how to find some answers. And I was in parent groups that I found really helpful.

Over time as my children grew older, I had all this information that I'd amassed and wanted to help out other parents because, by good fortune, I had the time and the energy to do this. And so many of my friends who were killing themselves at work and were sort of unable to focus, I just wanted to give them shortcuts here, read this book or put your kid in this class, whatever. That's hence Ground Control Parenting, the blog, was born because it was a combination of at that point really wanting to take a step away from active parenting and do something. I mean work, I struggled when my kids were growing with the fervent desire to spend time with them, but at the same time, the knowledge that I was not using all of my skillsets. I mean I was supposed to be doing something more. I don't mean to belittle parenting, but I was supposed to be doing something in addition to parenting. So I said, let me create this blog and let me put out these resources.

I did that for a while, for several years. And I said, okay, now it's time to write a book because I have written a lot. I've interviewed people for the blog and I want to write a book. And so I put together a book proposal with an agent and we sent it out. And the word came back, "Okay, this sounds good, but who is this woman and why would anybody want to listen to her about parenting?" So I decided I had to take a different approach because my blog certainly had an audience, but it wasn't a vast audience and I had not been as public as I could be. So I started teaching, I taught parenting classes at a local college in their continuing education. And that was great.

Two things happened. One, my mom was a teacher and I understood the value of lesson plans. So I was doing extensive lesson planning and it was fun and I enjoyed it much more than I thought I would. But it took a lot of time and effort to do a lesson plan. And I'd have, I don't know, 25 people in the classroom. And so at the end of one cycle I thought, I'm working really hard to reach a relatively small group of people. And then the pandemic hit. So it was kind of a one, two. I couldn't teach anymore.

And I thought, well, "Okay, I'm sitting around." I was in New York City in my apartment, my husband, just the two of us for the entirety of the pandemic. And it's like, let me just try to, and as importantly, a bunch of my friends were sitting around their places with a laptop, I said, let me try to put this out to more people at one time. So a very long winded short story, but the bottom line was I wanted to take the information that I had been able to disperse sort of locally and just see if it would resonate with a larger audience.

Amena Brown Owen:

I love it. I love it. I love that. And I'm hoping that our listeners will be thinking about the things that they have inside of themselves, these ideas, these desires we have. I mean that's definitely a part of how my podcast was born. It was actually in part born out of anger, which can be very inspiring, but it was born out of anger of feeling like women of color are not getting the platforms they need. They're not getting the opportunity to come into spaces and share their stories. And I was frustrated watching other people not do it. And that's what sent me there. Okay. Well let me set this microphone, figure out how to tell a story. I would love to hear your thought why you believe it's important for Black women and for other women of color to podcast, to exist in the podcast space.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

That is a really good question as well. I will start with my own personal experience with podcasting. The experience has been so much richer and deeper than I thought it would be. I came to this mic with, frankly, not a whole lot of podcast appreciation. I mean, I had sort of listened to some, but I was not deep in the world of podcasts. And I came with a mission to reach people with information I thought would be helpful. But what the ability to sit in front of a mic and exchange ideas and broadcast to the world, the empowerment that can create, it is empowering. It reminds you have a voice. And even if five people listen to you and they're all family members and they say to you, I heard what you said and really, it resonated with me, there's such affirmation in the ability to speak your truth, speak your thoughts, and have people connect to it.

And that goes beyond any particular episode. We joked about the number of episodes that we do for this podcast world that we're in and we're grateful to be able to do it, but it's a lot of talking.

Amena Brown Owen:

Sure, sure.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

But just when I feel that I will hear from someone that they listen to one and one that frankly was a while ago and that wasn't top of my mind and they'll remember something about it or more importantly, they'll feel some way or have some experience with it that wasn't what I intended, and that's actually really glorious it.

I want to turn this to you though because you mentioned your podcast being born out of anger, but your work when you're not podcasting is work that I truly admire. You are doing it and the vocation generally, the work of spoken word and the work of poetry. So you had had the opportunity before you came to this mic to sort of stand before people and speak your feelings. What prompted you to add on taking it to the airwaves?

Amena Brown Owen:

Man, and I guess I also want to give a shout-out and a rest in peace to Barbara Walters because as a child I studied Barbara Walters and Oprah Winfrey as interviewers. I always loved the idea of interviewing people. I just thought that was the most fantastic thing you could do. So really that's sort of how the podcast was born. I was coming into it as a stage person, but I was really not thinking as much about that as I was, oh, this will be me getting to sit down and interview other women of color where women of color get to be the experts we are. We get to be the ones who are sharing the knowledge that we have. We get to be in a role where we are not minimized in any way. That was sort of the space I wanted to make.

And then the rest of the time I was talking and all the things. So it's been interesting, Carol. Now, in this iteration of HER With Amena Brown, I do some solo episodes and probably my listeners who listened to those solos episodes, they are experiencing a bit more of what I'm like on a stage. Because on a stage it is like if spoken word and a one woman show and standup comedy came together in a storm, in a tornado, that's what's happening when I'm on stage. So people now in this iteration of the podcast are getting to hear a little bit of the ignorant things I say on stage.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

So how different is it for you to prep to walk on a stage than it is to prepare to sit down at a mic? I mean, in the stances where you're not interviewing someone, obviously if you're talking to someone you know what you're going to ask, but when you're doing solo, is it a different prep? Is it a different experience? There's no clapping, no audience.

Amena Brown Owen:

That's the thing I was going to say. I actually think the prep is the same, Carol. But not having the feedback is very strange. Talking to the camera, I mean, listen to me. Well, yeah, sometimes talking to the camera, but talking to the mic and not having the gasp that you might hear in the audience or hearing someone, they laughed louder than they meant to. They didn't realize it was going to hit them that funny. All those things that happen to you on stage that let you know like, oh, that's working. People identify with that. It is very strange podcasting and not having that and a podcast episode going out and sometimes you hear nothing. People listen to it, they don't really say anything. Sometimes I get a random DM, "Hey, this week's podcast reminded me of something I experienced growing up." And I'm like, "Yay, somebody's out there."

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Yeah. That's funny. I appreciate that because from what I understand, I'm not a stage performer. I mean, I'll stand up and talk to people, but I imagine that the feedback, the energy of the crowd, I mean you instantly know if something is landing correctly or and particularly in comedy, if it hits, if it doesn't hit, yeah, it's a different... But it's probably good exercise for you to be able to do them both.

Amena Brown Owen:

Yeah. I think so. I'm curious to see how it will be now returning to stage. I mean, I've had a few events since things have kind of opened up in the pandemic, but I haven't had that full show feeling where I just went and did a show for an hour. So I'm kind of curious to see, now having spent most of the pandemic talking to a microphone and no one was there except my husband, who's also my producer. So he might be there. That's it though. To now see how is that going to affect what I'm doing when I get on stage. I hope it means some things are sharper that way as a storyteller.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

So I have to follow that up with a question I'm dying to ask. So a little bit of background, I went to music and art high school, which is now performing arts, the Fame school. It wasn't when I was there, but filled with people who were very talented. I was a musician but not very talented. So I mean, I would perform when I had to, but clear to me in high school was that there were people that were really good and eager to get on stage and then there were the rest of us. So what I always want to know in terms of someone who performs, are you, because I always think of sort of stage fright and what if you forget stuff, particularly when you're playing an instrument, what happens? Walk me through your walking out. Are you energized? Do you go into some zone where you know what you're going to say next and what happens, God forbid, if you forget a line?

Amena Brown Owen:

I forget all the time.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

I forget all the time.

Amena Brown Owen:

I do get in a bit of a focused zone, I would say, before I go on stage. And I'm always nervous every time. It doesn't matter how small or how large the crowd, I am nervous every time. I have a rule where I typically don't eat two hours or less before an event. I have not thrown up on stage in over 20 years of performing professionally. And I intend to keep my stat. So I do not eat. So that way, there's nothing there. If we feel nervous, we don't have to worry about those mistakes. And when I was starting, there wasn't YouTube, there wasn't Instagram where people would be like, "Poet throws up on stage" and now you're viral for that. That wasn't a thing. People might be like, "Somebody threw up at this show I was at in Random Town where a hundred people were." Only those hundred people know you threw up instead of a thousand people or a million people knowing that about you.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

And then they don't have to see it over and over like boomerang, on repeat.

Amena Brown Owen:

That's it.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Like the memes come out. Yeah, no, I get it.

Amena Brown Owen:

That's it. I don't want that for myself. So I typically do get really nervous. I get really quiet. I don't like for there to be a lot of noise and just things that would make me feel anxiety. I always think a lot about my great-grandmother and my grandmother. I think a lot about the women in my bloodline and how I am able to do what I'm doing because of them. In a lot of ways, in a lot of layers of ways, I'm able to do what I do because of them. I think about the circumstances under which they continue to keep their voice and that I owe it to them to be who I am boldly and confidently when I get on stage. And there's something about that kind of thought, if you're watching me on the side of stage and I close my eyes, I'm typically thinking about that.

And then they say your name and it's like once I get up there and get to the mic, I use living room all the time because I feel like I'm in a living room with those people. That's how it feels to me. It's like I immediately feel like, what have y'all been doing? Why are purses like this? Who invented a bra? It's like all the random thoughts. It's just us having a conversation instead of it being two people, it's however many people are there. And I feel totally comfortable as soon as I get there.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Oh man, that's great. I can relate a little bit. Long ago I was a litigator and the only good thing, I didn't stay a litigator for long, but the only thing that stayed with me that I still use is that before I walked into the courtroom, if I had to make any appearance before a judge, the morning right before I would get a gurgling in my stomach, I would really feel... I would feel it. I would feel the physical nerves. And although that was not particularly comfortable, it reminded me that something was going to happen and all my senses need to be sharp. And now when I'm interviewing, when I'm about to sit down for the podcast, if I don't feel a little bit of that, I'm thinking, okay, something's not right. I need to be sharper because you want a little bit of physiological reminder that you're about to do something, you need to be ready for it. So I get it that a little bit of nerves.

I regularly have a psychiatrist who visits the podcast, an expert in child stress, and he talks about how stress is good. It motivates you, it helps you stay clear focused. The bad part about stress is when you get an overload. So you're not trying to remain stress free, you're just trying to manage your stress. So I think we're both talking about an instance where stress management is helpful.

Amena Brown Owen:

For sure, for sure.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

So I want to actually circle back with a quick parenting kind of question because I mentioned that my brother was an artist and it was tough for my parents who were educators and lawyers, just who had had a different track in life to sort of grasp. I mean, they were supportive. He went to art school, but they were kind of waiting for him to do something else. So you grew up and at some point, you'll tell me when, but at some point you knew you wanted to be an artist. So when did that happen and how did your family react?

Amena Brown Owen:

That's interesting. That's interesting to think about. It's almost like if I really think about it, Carol, I don't know if I knew artist at first. I knew that I wanted to be a writer. And I do believe writers are artists. I just don't know if as a child I had made that connection. I would've thought Artists are people who do visual arts or people who perform, they play music, they sing, they dance, those things. And honestly, I grew up in my mother's house. It was just a house full of books. She had and still does to this day, she just had a wonderful library. I just remember as a child, peering at her books, once I could read and trying to figure out who is this, who is Toni Morrison? Who is James Baldwin. And so I think in a way, because my mom was such an avid reader and she had such a wonderful library, she really encouraged in me this sense of reading and enjoying a story well told.

And then I read all these books as a child and just thought, what is the job you do where you put your words in this? Because I would like to be that. I would like to find a way to do that. So I knew very early on it was writer for me. But I truthfully think that I wanted to be a novelist. When I thought about writer, that's what I thought. Then I got into Nikki Giovanni and my mom was one of those people who wants to go to a bookstore, whatever city you're visiting or whatever area of town, must go in the bookstore. This is a old school thing to say now, but must go in a card shop when it was popular for there to be these greeting card shops. And of course inevitably the greeting card shop also had little gift books and different things related to words.

I mean, my mom just eats this up, takes her two daughters in all of these places, which all of that I think just gave me this sense of the importance of words and wanting to write. So by the time I started reading poetry, that was the first thing I probably started writing on my own in my little notebooks and things. And my mom also was a big proponent of journaling. She encouraged us as her daughters to journal because she would say, that's your one place in this world where you're unedited. It's not for anyone. No one's grading it. It's not for class. It's a place for you to put your thoughts, put your feelings. So I journaled a lot. But then by the time I got a notebook where I was like, here's my poetry notebook.

Now I know that this is not a thing that parents do today what I'm about to say, my mom did. But my mom told us that there was no such thing as privacy in her house. And I know that is not how the people parent today, but that's what she said to us back then. "There's no privacy in my house. If I find a notebook, I'm reading it. If I find a little note you wrote in class, I'm reading it because I need to know what you're doing, what you're up to."

So she was true to her word. She read one of my notebooks and she said, "This is actually really beautiful poetry." She was like, "Why don't you share this other places?" I mean, as your mother would say, she's obviously this is a brilliant person I have birthed. Why would you not take this to the New York Times at 12 years old or whatever. And because she was my mom, I was like, you're not a respectable critic of my work. You're not the voice for me to know, is this actually going well? So I just didn't believe in it. And she's truly the reason that I am even performing to this day because I don't think without her pushing me that I would've made the connection that that's a thing I could do.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Wow, that is such a great story. Lots of great parenting stuff in there, that I just have to step back and point out, first of all, the library, I mean parents everywhere need to understand that the more books you have around, the more positively you can influence your children to read.

Amena Brown Owen:

For sure, for sure.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

I mean, definitely, I grew up with a lot of books and God knows my husband is the world's most avid reader. So our shelves, I mean, see behind me, our shelves are lined with books. So it's lovely to hear your vantage point of being around all those books and having that experience, how it encourages you to read. And then secondly, this is such a great story because more often than not, you hear the story, it's like mine and my brothers where the parents didn't understand and they were like, "That's interesting, but now what are you going to do?" I mean, your mom was like, hey, this is something that you should be doing. That that is amazing.

And just finally about the no privacy. It's so funny, I remember that vividly that, and I tried to institute that with my children early days when Facebook was a thing, when my kids were growing up, that was the thing. The first thing was Facebook. And my rule was, you can only have a Facebook page if I am your friend, if you friend me, you have to friend me. So because like your mom, I just didn't want there to be this whole other world that, and I guess for me the difference was maybe they could have their own little worlds in their books that they kept in their room, but on Facebook they were creating this over the world that a bunch of other people were looking at. So I can appreciate that feeling. I'm impressed that she found stuff and read it. God, I mean, I definitely had that desire. And yes, I know it's not what you're supposed to do with your children. However...

Amena Brown Owen:

There was a time parents did and sometimes it worked out. There were a lot of times didn't. This is one case with my mom that her reading those things totally worked out.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Either that or you became a really good hider of things.

Amena Brown Owen:

Right. And she knows me. It's like I have a lot of brain capacity for other things. Hiding is not one of them. I have been telling on myself since I was five or six years old. Inadvertently just tell on myself. So she knew the vibes. She knew what I was going on there.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

That's so funny. Just one other thing occurs to me. Your mom encouraged you to journal, which I think is really great. I had the opposite experience, but it didn't dim my interest. I was an English major and I loved to write.

Amena Brown Owen:

Me too, me too.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Oh yeah. I didn't have writing aspirations per se, but it was a pipe dream to write a book. I mean, as I said, I tried once already and my mother, she too was an English major, she was a reading teacher. She was just all about the books. But she was a very, very private person, very introverted, had an extroverted daughter, but she was a very introverted person. And she used to say to me, "Don't ever write anything down that you wouldn't want to read on the front page of the New York Times."

Amena Brown Owen:

Wow.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Yeah. And I remember that like it was yesterday. I mean, she was a very private person and that was evidence of it. She didn't want me to write something down and have somebody read it that I didn't want to read it. So I guess you could take that to one way would be just to obey. But for me, it gave me some insight that there would be an issue if I wrote something down that was problematic, but it didn't stop me from wanting to write or write things down. And as I grew older and I kind of understood the... It's funny when you get to a point and you realize your parents are actually people, and that their guidance comes from a place, comes from their very specific place and you can respect it, but you just realize it's not sort of all knowing, all being, it's sort of knowing some, but from a very different, very specific perspective.

As I got older and I started to, I don't journal, but I definitely have lots of notebooks where I started to write my thoughts, I have to say, as freeing as that is, in the back of my mind, I can still, I mean, my mom is as long gone now unfortunately, but I'm either writing thinking, "Oof, ma, you wouldn't like this."

Amena Brown Owen:

Right.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

And I'm also thinking, okay, I need to put this away somewhere safely so the New York Times doesn't get it.

Amena Brown Owen:

Right. That part. I mean, I'm not going to lie about it. My younger sister, we are almost 11 years apart, and I have definitely given her some very specific instructions because I imagine that she may be here after I'm gone. So I've told her, "When I go, you get in that house for those people and I'm going to put my journals in a place and you get that stuff out of my house. I don't want anybody posthumously putting out some stuff that I didn't mean to be put out." So that's our little directive we have as sisters. It's a certain box. Whenever I move to a different house, I always take her in a closet and say, "This box right here, when I'm gone, you come in here first and get it. I don't want those people in here." No. Nope.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Okay. But what she's supposed to do with it? She has to keep it. She has to hand it down. I mean, it's got to live you. Does it get buried with you? I mean, what happens to the box?

Amena Brown Owen:

There've been different instructions for different times. There was a time that I was like, "You going to burn everything that's in here." Now, I'm like, I don't know. Maybe if I had children, maybe I'd want them to have it. But then I always think about one of my favorite films, Bridges of Madison County with Meryl Streep and after she passed, the kids were going through all her stuff and realized she had an affair with this National Geographic photographer. And I'm like, and now they're freaked out because they're like, oh my gosh, my mom had a sex life. And I'm like, what if this lady didn't want you in that? She didn't want you to be in it? She did that for herself.

So I feel like there's still, Carol, maybe there's two boxes. I feel like there's some boxes of things that I'm like herein, if I had a child or a niece or a nephew or a mentee, here's a box that I would want you to have access to. But there are some things, Carol, that are not for the people. They're not. And I think the burn instructions will still be true for that box.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

So I think that all of our listeners, everyone across our two podcasts need to think seriously about having two boxes. Because there is definitely a world where the things that you muse about, the things that you think are important, the things that you think could be helpful need to be kept. I mean, both my parents are gone and when my mom passed away, I had all her stuff and my father's stuff, which she had kept. And I was randomly throwing things out until I realized this was my father's writing. And it was really important to me suddenly to keep it because I wanted to see his words on a page. And there's something about just understanding what people were thinking. So that's really important. There's stuff that needs to be preserved.

And then there's the stuff where it felt really good to write it down. It was really important for you to have it to go back to. But yeah, it needs to be... And I mean there should definitely be two boxes because you should definitely have that second box. It should exist. It just needs to self-destruct.

Amena Brown Owen:

Yeah, that's what I want, Carol. A self destruct. There's certain people I don't want reading that. I don't want anybody to be like, "Wow, this is salacious. Let's put a book out." No, no. I don't know how it works in the afterlife, but don't make me come back and tell you, don't do that. Don't make me do that is what I'm saying. No.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Yeah. And I mean, I'm sounding old when I say this, but all this cancel culture now, sort of like, God forbid.

Amena Brown Owen:

I'm like, I don't know what I said.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

And you go out in this sort of blaze of story. Oh, she was so great. She did this and that. And then they find some stuff you wrote when you were 12. Well, I wrote when I was 12 and they're like, X.

Amena Brown Owen:

Find that one journal and that's it. Now your descendants can't get no royalties off of anything. Goodnight. Nope. No. Absolutely not.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Okay. There's a business here, the self-destructing journal keeping box.

Amena Brown Owen:

That's it. That's what we need. I thank you for bringing that up, Carol. Listeners, we know you're out there. Please let us know that you have this because, it's like we need a safe that you could tell it or somebody could press a button or you give somebody the code. They take that thing out there somewhere and everything just incinerates inside. That's what we need.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Exactly, exactly. Okay, good. Well, imagine in this short space of time together, we have created a business model, a business opportunity.

Amena Brown Owen:

That's it. Look at us, Carol. We are solving the world's problems. Okay.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

We are. We absolutely are. Great minds thinking together. It's a beautiful thing. Okay. I have one more series of questions for you because my head is always in the parenting mode, but I want to talk about, I mean, you mentioned not having kids. There's a world out there in parenting that I haven't yet addressed on my podcast. And this is a great opportunity to start. And that is my fervent belief in the world that people who help raise up kids but didn't give birth to them play in the role of kids.

Amena Brown Owen:

Sure, sure.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Certainly, grandmothers of course, but aunties, especially play aunties, I mean, your chosen family that helps you and godmothers and friends and people that are just around you, there can be such a special relationship. And so I want to ask you first, when you were growing up, did you have any kind of relationship with say your mom's friends or with play aunties? And then, do you provide that for anybody?

Amena Brown Owen:

One of the things I really love about now as a grown woman, looking back at how my mom raised me, is my mom had such rich relationships with other women, most of them being other Black women. So there was this moment where her friends would come over and I was one of those little kids that loved to eat all the little veggies, all the little broccoli florets and the little baby carrots and all the little cauliflower thing. And so they would sit there and eat little veggies with me, but at a certain time at night I knew I had to go to bed so that they could stay up and talk. And as a little girl, I just remember fervently feeling in my bed, I am one day going to be grown so that I can stay up with my girlfriends and do whatever they're doing. I don't know what they're doing, but I want to do that. I want to be a part of it, but I'm too young.

So there's just so much reverence I have for that because in general, she was modeling for me how to be in community with other women and how important it would be in so many phases of life to have these women that you could stay up late talking to them or come by the house at whatever time and chat with them. So I think that's a big model there that I look back on now and feel really grateful. And I mean, I remember one of my mom's friends as the one who taught me how to do my makeup for the first time because when you get to that 12, 13, for me that was like a girl is very fascinated. A girl wants to know about lipstick, a girl wants to know what should she do, what should she not do?

And her friend Lisa, she sold BeautiControl, which I guess, maybe BeautiControl still exists, but it was kind of like an Avon, Mary Kay kind of model. And so she did the whole thing, taught me how to wash my face, how to moisturize, the toner. She came over and did what you would go to the makeup counter in the department store, she came to our house and did that for me and got to show me how to do an appropriate look for my age at that point. And that was so helpful to me because the women in my family, we were coming from a church background, like a Pentecostal Holiness background where women weren't supposed to wear makeup. So my mom was actually rebellious to that by wearing the bright lipstick that she wore. But I didn't grow up seeing my grandma use mascara and things like that. So that was wonderful to have another woman around that could say, "Oh, I see this is a thing that you're interested in. Let me show you how to do this the right way before you get some red lipstick and just do things-"

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Mark up your face.

Amena Brown Owen:

On your face. Let's try to figure out what we're doing. So that's one strong memory I can think of. But my mom had a lot of wonderful women friends in her life. We had a wonderful church community too. My mom was a single mom raising my sister and I. So we had a lot of people around us that were father figures at points, were mentors at points, were showing us how to do various things. My youth pastor taught me how to drive. There were just all these... My mom tried. There was just a lot of, "Mena." A lot of yelling like that. And she was like, "Somebody else got to do this. This is somebody else's job. It's not me. I can't be the person."

So that was really wonderful to think of too, to see this wonderful church community that I grew up in to surround my mom as a single mom that she never felt like alone in parenting us. That she knew she had some other people. I mean I remember dating boys and people in the church being like, "Why are you dating and so?" And I'd be like, "Well, you been talking to my mama? Why are you asking me? I'm in love. Obviously we're 15, we're going to get married." "You're not going to marry him. No. No, thank you."

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Yeah. See those friends, those play aunties, they can say stuff that you can't hear from your mother.

Amena Brown Owen:

No, no. I distinctly remember my youth pastor, this is telling my age, y'all, because we didn't have cell phones obviously, but it was very popular when I was in high school for some parents to get their teenagers their own phone line where you had your own number and then there was the house number. Because otherwise, if it was just the house number, my mom was definitely one of those moms that would pick up the phone and be like, "Hello, I need to use the phone."

Carol Sutton Lewis:

This is the mom that would read the things. Yeah, that's tracks.

Amena Brown Owen:

Period. No. And I'd be like, wait. I'd be like, "Mom, okay." And then we would wait and she'd be like, "Say goodbye." She wouldn't even give you the opportunity. She wouldn't even hang up and let you say goodbye. She'd be like, "Y'all say goodbye so I can use my phone." So I felt very excited when she gave me my own phone line, Carol. It was the '90s. So every part of the phone was a different color. The receiver, the base, the core, they were all bright. It was very great. And was I talking on that phone past bedtime when my mom told me that I should be off the phone? Of course, I was, Carol. Of course, I did. And my mom went in there and grabbed that phone. I just remember her arm winding the cord around that phone and putting it somewhere that I just didn't know where.

And I remember going to my youth pastor and complaining to him. I remember going to him and saying, "This lady", and he wasn't married at the time that I can remember. Maybe he was just about to get married at this time. He was engaged. He's like, "Really? She took your phone?" I said, "She took my phone away, wrapped the cord around it and took it out of my room." And he was like, "Wow." He was like, "Man, so who paid for the phone? Who bought the phone?" And I was like, "I mean, she bought it but it was a gift and you can't buy a gift for someone and then just take it back. You can't do that." He was like, "Oh man. So who paid the bill? When the phone bill came, who paid it?" And I was like, "I mean she did. But she's a mom. She should pay it. So I don't have a job. I'm a child. How could I do that?"

He was like, "Oh man. And who pays for the roof over your head and everything? Who pays for the house where you live?" And I was like, "Well she does because..." So it was the more he was asking me, the more I'm like, oh God. And he was like, "I think you might owe your mom an apology for how you reacted and how you weren't following the rules because it's really her phone if you think about it. It's her phone in her house, in her bedroom. You're sleeping on a bed she bought."

And I was like, why did he use the logic against me this? I went to him, Carol, expecting him to be like, "How dare she take your phone? That's your one way of communication to the outside world. How dare she? What a terrible parent. Let us tell the elders of the church, we have a terrible mother in the church." And I'm walking away going to apologize to this lady for taking my phone? That conversation was not supposed to go this way. But that's an example of having someone who's not your parent that can ask you some questions, get you to thinking about your choices.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Yeah, that is a great example. Let me ask you this. What kind of a play auntie do you think you would be? Would the kind that would say, like you wanted your youth pastor to say, "Girl, she did that? Okay, wait, I'll talk to her because that is not right." Or would you be the kind that would say, "Okay, and can we just revisit?" I mean, would you be team kid or would you be team mom?

Amena Brown Owen:

This is fascinating 'cause my sister and I both have actually talked about this as we've gotten older and we're sort of at that point where we're like, wait, we are the age that our aunts and uncles were when we were children. So that still feels weird. 'Cause when we're with our aunts and uncles, we still feel like the kids and they're the adults. But when we actually get by ourselves, we're like, we are actually the age they were when we remember them as children.

And so we have talked about who is the cussing auntie? We've talked about that because you need to have at least one of those. You need to have at least one auntie that's the person that cusses and is the person who's going to have a good drink at the family gathering. And I've always wanted to be the auntie that if children have questions regarding relationships and sex, that they know they can come and speak to me and that I'm going to speak the truth to them and give them some rounded wisdom that I wish had been spoken to me when I was their age. Give them some things to think about.

But especially for those of us who grew up in church settings, when it comes to dating and sex, you really aren't getting the information because people in the community feel like the less they tell you, the less amount of trouble that you may get in. When the opposite is honestly really true. So I feel that that probably to some people has been my role a little bit. That if you have a question, I'm the person that you can come and speak to. And I'm going to tell you the truth about that.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

That is a really valuable role to play because when it comes to talking to our kids about relationships and especially about sex, we all kind of first dive back into how we were brought up and if we appreciated it, if it was a good way we do that. But if it wasn't, we try to go in another direction. And I will tell you that even with your partner, I mean my husband and I had different approaches. I was all about the, "Okay, we're going to talk about this because this needs to be talked about." But with three kids, they each react to me differently in terms of how much they want to share. And my mom laid down for me and I fully agree that I'm not trying to be my kids' friends. I'm not trying to create a relationship where we tell each other every single thing because you talked about the trauma of people finding out after their mom is gone in the books that she had an affair with some guy, a photographer.

I think kids, no matter how old they are, there's this image you have of your parent that you kind of don't want completely shattered. I mean as you get older you acknowledge, your mom, your dad, they're people, they have perspectives. You don't agree with them necessarily. They are the way they are. They're not you. But you don't want... So it's hard. So I have to say that I respect that my kids, they're all grown now, but they're not like, call me up every five minutes to tell me some new event. But it's really important that they have somebody else that they can go and ask questions to because I want them to talk to somebody. Our parents are whoever they are, and I think it's really important to have another person that's not them. So you just get a different perspective and a valuable one.

Now if you're that real or play auntie that likes a good drink and is the wild one, cussing all the time and all that, you want to make sure that, you got some balance there.

Amena Brown Owen:

Sure, sure, sure.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

You don't want to send your child off with somebody who's telling her about ways that you don't necessarily agree with. But it's such an interesting and kind of a dicey relationship. I mean, I am friendly with some of my children's really good friends, but I know the line that I can't cross in terms of asking about my child.

Amena Brown Owen:

Right.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

I can't. It's like, I'm not going to put them in that spot. I cant. I mean, I'd love to know and I'm really close to this person, but I'm not... Can't do that. It's so weird. I mean you spend so much time with these children and then suddenly there have to be boundaries and distance and you have to respect. So those play aunties come in handy because girl, you know I have called up my girlfriend, I'm like, "Listen, she's not going to talk to me about this. But if there's some way that you could talk to her, I would be very grateful."

Amena Brown Owen:

Okay? Put it out there. And the last thing I'll say too, Carol, is, and I especially experienced this in my friendships with women, I think there are all these different phases of life that we experience as women. And some of that is related to maybe where our career goals are or where that ends up. And some of us thought we were going to work for somebody else and then we end up becoming entrepreneurs. And some of that's related to our relationships. If we decide to marry someone or be in a long-term partnership, if we thought it was long-term and that relationship ends or we end up experiencing divorce. However, our journey is towards parenting, whether we actually become parents or not. And then those of us who do, the phases of that and the developmental stages. And one of the things that I would say has been a real joy and I feel an important thing in my life is I think it is important for us to have friends who are in our phase of life because we need that sense of feeling understood in the particular phase we're in.

But I think it's also helpful when we have friends who may not be in the same phase of life that we are. Like I've been an entrepreneur now over 10 years of my life. It's wonderful for me having friends who aren't and talking to them about their jobs and how they navigate their workspaces and them hearing from me about this. I don't have children and I've walked through the various journeys of my friends, some whose journey towards parenthood was easy and when they actually got to parenthood was really hard. And some whose journey towards parenting was very difficult.

And so for some of my friends, I may be one of a small number of friends have that don't have children and I'm like, you know what? You're going to get a lot of mom talk, so I don't need to provide that to you. I'm here to remind you that you are a woman also outside of the fact that you are a mother to these children that I know you love very much. And also you'd like to leave and go to Tuesday morning or go grab a cup of coffee by yourself or use the bathroom without having anyone's little fingers coming under the door. It's my job to remind you that you're gorgeous and beautiful. You're a sexual being. You are not just that. And I think when we have friendships that give us that sort of cross-section, it gives us some ability to see each other in our different phases of life and not assume things about what may be going super easy or what may be going really hard.

We get a chance to walk through that with each other. And I've really enjoyed that about the women that are in community with me.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

I just have to quickly add that one of my dearest friends who we've been friends for over 30 years now, geez. And she is a wonderful woman, a very successful film and television producer, has had an amazing life and a great career and continues to have one. And when we met, she was abandoning a legal career to sort of try her hand at Hollywood. She was just like pivoting completely. As was I, because I was leaving a job I really loved, I was getting married and my husband's work required him to move to Chicago. I didn't know anybody in Chicago, so we were both pivoting in directions that we were excited by, but kind of wary of.

Long story short, we've joked about this for the past 30 years, that if you could mush our lives together, I did the kid thing and the sort of, I'm still married to 30 some odd year. I mean, definitely I have the domestic thing, and I agonized for decades on not having that career that I thought I was going to have. And she has the hellfire career and is divorced and didn't have kids. And so we serve that, what you just talked about, that role for each other, it is both the friend that is not going to burden you with all the... Whatever it is that they're talking about, you want to hear it's not your life.

Amena Brown Owen:

Right, right, right.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Whatever, work stress or whatever, it's like you want to eat that up. But we're also the ones to tell each other that as good as this looks from the outside, it's great on one level, here's how it's not great, and here's the reality of the situation versus the sort of how it looks, the lives. Both of us our lives. I mean, it's really been amazing to have this journey with her where she's at the Oscars, she's at the... I mean she's... And I'm like, "Oh, my..." And I'm thrilled for her and I'm excited to hear what's going on, but I know the 360 of it, so that's really, really valuable. So I so applaud your interest in your work and making community of women because I don't know where we would be without them.

Amena Brown Owen:

Okay. That's it for real, Carol. That is it.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Yeah. So we are wrapping up here. First of all, I want to thank you so much. I've had so much fun. This has been really great. Yeah, it's been really, really great. I've loved talking with you as I knew I would, but it's really been amazing. And can I just slide in for the very end, what I do on my podcast, which is the GCP for Ground Control Parenting lightning round.

Amena Brown Owen:

Okay.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

I will give you an abbreviated version of the lightning round. Just ask you two questions. First one should be easy, and that is, what is your favorite poem or saying? I'll give you the both and then you can answer.

Amena Brown Owen:

Okay.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

 The second one is, give me your favorite two children's books. Books that you remember from growing up, or books you've given to friends. So poem, favorite poem, favorite children's books.

Amena Brown Owen:

My favorite poem is Theme for English B by Langston Hughes. And it has a line that says, "Go home and write a page tonight and let that page come out of you. Then it will be true." That's my favorite one.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Love that.

Amena Brown Owen:

My two favorite children's books, my top one is Goodnight Moon.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Ah.

Amena Brown Owen:

Still my favorite.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Love that.

Amena Brown Owen:

And my second one is Mufaro's Beautiful Daughters. My mom read that to both my sister and I, and it's a wonderful story, but it's also gorgeous. The illustration in it is just beautiful. So I actually still have a copy in my library. That's one that I needed to have a copy of for sure. Yeah.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Those are great, great answers. You probably should get a copy of Goodnight Moon. That is a very peace, meditative-

Amena Brown Owen:

I also have a copy of that one.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Oh yes. It's a meditative book.

Amena Brown Owen:

I'm a collector of books around here. I am now like, it doesn't matter if I read them. I need to see them in my home. That's where we're at, Carol.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Yes, I agree. Definitely on the, it doesn't matter if I read them. But anyway, thank you so much.

Amena Brown Owen:

Thank you, Carol.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Great answers.

Amena Brown Owen:

This was so great. Thank you for joining me. I am happy to be invited into the family room with you, and I was glad to bring you here into the living room where we could eat gorgeous snacks. We could have rosemary crackers. I'm just, yes, I'm here for all of it. I will make sure we're sharing all the information. But from my listeners, please make sure that you go and take a Listen to Ground Control Parenting podcast hosted by Carol Sutton Lewis.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

Yes, and for all of my listeners, please, right after you listen to this, go listen to HER With Amena Brown and you'll be glad you did.

Amena Brown Owen:

Thanks, Carol. I'll see you soon.

Carol Sutton Lewis:

See you soon.

Amena Brown Owen:

HER With Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 101

Amena Brown:

Hey, everybody. Before we get into this week's episode, please note that this episode contains brief mentions of sexual abuse. If this topic may be triggering for you, please take care of yourself by listening with caution or simply putting this episode aside for another time.

Oh, y'all, by the time y'all hear this, it's like a new year. It's a new year, and I don't know how the people feel. Sometimes, the new year feels nice. Sometimes you wanted to kick rocks. I don't know. Just know however you feel about the new year, we're here holding space for you, and I'm excited because we are here in the HER living room with author of Chingona: Owning Your Inner Badass for Healing and Justice. Yes, people, Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty is in the building. Woo!

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Thank you. Thank you.

Amena Brown:

I mean, what are the vibes? Are you a person who wants the people to give you Dr. Alma because we love the respect for the titles here or tell me the vibes, Dr. Alma, what do we want to be?

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Yeah, so my vibes are for me, leaders and people with power, I've had some really interesting relationships with slash non-relationships and so it's a really hard topic for me. Even when I teach in my actual university class, when I'm teaching graduate students, I teach part-time at USC, I feel really weird and gross when people call me Doctor, and I think it's because of my past history with authority figures misusing and abusing their leadership. And so I don't ever want anyone to call me Dr. Alma if it doesn't feel genuine for them. But then I have people that are like, "No, I want to call you Dr. Alma because it's amazing. You're a Latina. You're out here. I want role models and you're one," and so I'm like, "Cool, then let me be that for you." But I'm not picky either way. You can just call me Alma. I'm pretty chill about it.

Amena Brown:

I like these differentiations because for you, listeners, I'm going to refer to her as Alma today, but that means if we was in a room and there's people there that need to pay money to Alma, then it's Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty. Those are the vibes.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Facts. Facts.

Amena Brown:

If it's people in a room that need to pay Alma money now it's not Alma, it's not a first name. It's Dr. Alma. That's how I feel like when you have people in your life-

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

I like that.

Amena Brown:

... who have these types of titles, you need to hold it within in these ways. It's like if I'm at Alma House, then okay, that's Alma and Amena talking.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

But if we are in a work function or some other professional setting, it's Dr. Zaragoza-Petty to y'all? That's that.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

I like this differentiation. Yes.

Amena Brown:

Because especially-

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Yes, I'm going to adopt that.

Amena Brown:

Especially from my friends who are women of color, it's like, "Sis, you know I earned this doctorate."

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Facts.

Amena Brown:

We want to go ahead and let the people know. And also, and you have to tell me if you experienced this, some of my other friends who have titles like this that they have earned through their work and education will get in situations where white folks or men, various and sundry discriminatory people will know the title is there and still not say it.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Yeah. See, this is a great, great point you bring up because this is why it's such a really interesting kind of thing to maneuver for me in the classroom because the moment I tell people like, "Hey, just so you know, I understand there might be some weirdness with how power has been misused and abused within your lifetime and why you may or may not want to call me that or have reservations." And when I give permission, this group of people that is diverse, permission to call me either Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty or just Alma, guess who calls me Alma and who feels weird calling me Doctor?

Amena Brown:

Okay. All right.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

The people that you just mentioned-

Amena Brown:

It's like, "So what's the problem?"

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

So I get that. I get that. I get that. But I also, I think for me, the class that I teach is also about diversity, equity, and inclusion. And so part of it is we can bring that conversation to the room and be like, "Oh, this is interesting. Why are you having such a hard time as another Brown person, let's say, calling me Dr. Alma or calling me just Alma, I mean, because that's usually who has a hard time. No, that's because you earned your title and I want to take you seriously, and this is serious, blah, blah, blah. Whereas, why is it so easy for you to just refer to me as Alma and not think about calling me Dr. Alma if you're like someone who's a little more privileged in my classroom.

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

That's not how I tell them. That's not how I tell them, but I have those conversations like, "Yeah, have you noticed that it was very easy for you? Have you noticed other people? It wasn't that easy for them."

Amena Brown:

Okay. Definitely been in some rooms where I've watched women of color have to be like, "It's doctor. It's doctor. It's not Miss. It's not Mrs. It's not just my first name. I'm deserving to be here and worked hard for my shit just like you did. So get it together."

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Yeah, I wonder if that's a South thing. I have never been called Miss or Mrs. It's very rare to be called that while you're in the West.

Amena Brown:

That might be a South thing.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

It might be a South thing.

Amena Brown:

For my people who are married, for the women in my life who are married and have a title that also gets strange in southern environments because they want to be like, "Oh, it's Mr. And Mrs." "Its Mr. and Doctor. She's a Doc. It's Doctor."

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Or how about when they just don't even address the ...

Amena Brown:

It's like your name's no longer there.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

... the woman in the relationship. Yeah. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

What are you doing?

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Yeah, family of Mr. So-and-so like, "How about I exist too? Give me my own name."

Amena Brown:

"I'm here, please." So today for our conversation's listeners, it is Alma, but if you owe Alma money, it's Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty period.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

There you go.

Amena Brown:

Okay. Okay. I want to talk about this book, Alma, because I have so many questions for you because as a person who has completed post-grad education this way, and you've completed this all the way up to your doctorate, you've done a lot of writing. And now you've written this book, which also includes your story, and that is different than the type of writing that you have done in your training and in your professional life. So what was it like to go from writing things that are related to research and the type of writing you do in your work to now really thinking about your own life and the stories there you wanted to share?

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Yeah, that's such a good point. It is very different. And when I first started the process, it was very hard for me to just let myself just be a person and not a researcher, not put on the head of researcher and talk how we like to talk as researchers. But interestingly enough, actually for me, it made more sense. Because if a little bit of my background, then it makes sense.

So I've always been into narratives and qualitative data, so I have always loved a good story and I've also always been very critical of the objectivity that some researchers try to bring into their work. And I've always questioned that I come from a much more critical feminist kind of training. And so we love disrupting. We just, we love disrupting that. And so even in my own more academic work, I always disrupted that and said, "Hey, I would have a positionality statement about who I am as a person and what I'm researching and how yes, that is affected by who I am."

Amena Brown:

Period.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

And people who don't say this are also affected by who they are on what they're studying, just because I'm saying it, it don't make it more biased. It just makes me more transparent and honest. So I've always approached my work that way in the academic setting. So switching to this wasn't too difficult once I let myself tell my own story because I also was very good at telling somebody else's narrative and other people's, which also has, there's some power dynamics there as the researcher coming into a setting and asking to interview folks and giving the opportunity for people to say no. Who's really going to say no when there's this authority figure coming into your setting? It's very rare, unless you're very privileged wealthy people, they're the least understudied because they know their rights.

Amena Brown:

Right. That part. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Yeah. Yeah. But I have always focused on first-gen, low income background students as my participant, the people that I interview basically for my stories, whether qualitative, quantitative stories. And so yeah, it wasn't a really big jump in that way, but it was in terms of letting myself share with you all a part of my journey, especially the parts that are very, just have been very, very sad and hard to get through and to process. And so it took a lot of therapy to be honest, to just be all right with that and to also know the boundaries that I did want to have around, "Okay, this is how I'm going to share this," and the way that I want to share it without violating my own boundaries about my own personhood and what I feel like I need to keep to myself.

Amena Brown:

Yeah and I want to ask a follow-up question about that because the last time you and I saw each other in person, we were talking about this because I always have lots of curiosities around how people process this when they're writing books, especially books that are personal.

You and I were talking about this because obviously let's say in your life a hundred things have happened. Well, now you're writing a book and you're having to decide of these hundred things that have happened to me, some of which are really great and helped form who I am, some of which were terrible and are things that you may still be healing from. It's like you now are staring at these hundred things and having to decide what of this am I ready to talk about or write about in a public setting? What of this is too private or personal for various reasons and should not go in the book?

So how was your process in deciding here are the parts of my story that I feel comfortable to take here to this thing? I think what was scariest to me as an author is like herein I write a thing that just exists forever, somewhere, just somewhere.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

It's not a blog. Even these podcast episodes, y'all, those of us who are podcasters, if we decide all of this goes off the internet, we have control over that. But a book made me feel like herein is a thing that's just on a tablet somewhere. When I'm an ancestor, some people are going to find this book maybe.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

So what was your process in deciding here's what I'm ready to share, here's what I know I want to just hold and keep to myself?

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I also feel like this is why people write multiple books because when you first write a book, you're like, "Okay, that was me, but that's not me no more." We grow. We're still growing, we're still be doing different things, have healed from some of the stuff I talk about.

One of the things that I think people feel like was very private that I share is about my sexual abuse. And I'm like, "Oh, no, girl. I've been dealing with that since I was a little kid and have processed that." And I am completely, I mean to the extent that I can, I feel healed and it is not hard for me to talk about. One, because I know the statistics of how many women have gone through that, and it is not a secret that that's happened to me and to people like me. And two, I think over the years, I realized the power in talking about that more openly and how giving myself permission to talk about that gives others who haven't even confronted that the permission to also talk about that.

And I saw that probably most powerfully one time when we were holding a workshop through the Prickly Pear Collective, and I was sharing about it and someone said it out loud for the first time and they were like, "When do I get to your position when I am no longer crumbling every time I say it?" And I just thought like, "Wow". That's so powerful that they were even able to realize that was happening and that they saw me as an example of like, "Wow, it does get better. There might be a chance for me to heal still or to be in a different position with my pain." And so there's that. That really kind of helped me to open up.

There was other things in there that people probably thought were not a big deal that I shared that I'm still like, "Dang, I should not have shared that. Was that really necessary?" And that's the part where I feel like, well, you know what? I just have to accept too that I can't control what people think about what I write. And if you really don't know me fully as a person, just know that that book is just a very small sliver of who I am as a person. I am so much more than that. I don't even talk about parenting in that book. And that for sure is like 75% of my life right now.

So I'm just like, "That's not even me. I don't know who that lady was." I'm just kidding. No, but one of the things too that also really helped was making sure that I didn't cross the boundary between what's my story to tell and what's someone else's story to tell. So making sure that I took accountability for what I went through, my feelings, my thought processes, and how I understood things versus what people may have meant slash how they're interpreting things. Because I can't say that that's unequivocally that how I experienced this is exactly how I went down. That was just how I was impacted and what may have happened for me. And so I'd never wanted to speak for other people.

So I talk about some of my mother wounds and just my relationship, very hostile relationship with my father. But I never talk about, for instance, my father, I kind of mentioned more in passing. I never talk about his upbringing and how crazy his own story is because one, it's his story to tell, not mine. And also sure, that would've contextualized a lot of my pain, but it was about my pain. It was about how that moment groomed me and how I learned from that. And so that's another thing that I was very careful to make sure that I wasn't doing and that I wasn't telling someone else's story. I was focusing on me and what my own process.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. I think that's so powerful to hear you describing because those of us who are writers, whether that means in your experience, in my experience becoming authors, even to people who are content-making in some way, there's a lot of conversation going on around what we're doing with our stories.

And I think there have been different times where air quote "society" has sort of leaned to like, oh, well, just everything. You owe the people everything. Everything that's happened, you have to share it. That's your way to help. And maybe sometimes it is, but I think I love the balance in what you described there, that there is this way to be empowered to choose what of your story you want to share, and that your story doesn't belong to everyone. It's something that you get to decide if that's something you talk about at a dinner party, if that's something that ends up in your book, if that's something you only talk to your family about.

And the other element you brought up about the stories we have that parts of that story belong to other people. Yo! I feel that because in both of the books I've written, I wrote about some family things and it was a fascinating time trying to really be very specific about your story there. I actually think one of my chapters, I remember I had to write it the messy way first knowing like, oh, I'm never going to actually put this in public.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Oh, yes.

Amena Brown:

But I can't get down to the part I need to say if I don't just like ...

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

I got to write it all.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

You got to peel all the layers so you could get to what you really want to get to sometimes.

Amena Brown:

Oh, for sure. Okay, so I want to take a step back to when the idea for Chingona came to you, and I want to talk about this, Alma, because I know that there are people listening that have book dreams, and I was one of those people before too, and there's sort of this mystery of when you dream of becoming an author and then you meet people who are authors, but you don't always get to find out well, how do you get from like, "Oh, I would love to write a book to now I've written one"? So how did the idea for this book arrive to you? When did it start germinating that you were getting this is what I want to write about?

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Mm-hmm. Honestly, I feel like it's been germinating for a really long time. It was also a very spiritual process for me in that I was like, "I'm good. I don't need to write a book. Come on, God, stop trying to make me write a book or divine entity out there. Why are you putting these thoughts in my mind? I don't want this for me."

For a really long time, it really felt like a struggle with the divine where I was like, "No, I'm not going to talk about my story. No one wants to hear that. I don't want to tell people about that." And then the other part of me was just like this kind of intuition like, "No, you need to tell this story." Almost a more divine kind of intuition of, "No, this story has to be told. I will not leave you alone until you tell this story."

And I know that sounds crazy, y'all, so I want to step back for a sec, and yes, acknowledge that does sound a little kooky, but what was even it just solidified it for me was that there was this one specific week, it was probably about a year before I finally started writing down and actually getting down to it, maybe three different people told me, "You need to write a book."

First of all, I've heard that for a while growing up, "You need to write a book." I don't know if that was their way of telling me, you got too much to say, "I don't got time for you. Go write a book." Or if it was like, there way of being like, "Dude, you love to story tell, go do that somewhere else or be real good at that," or whatever. I don't know why, but people have approached me and had told me, "You need to write a book."

But there was this specific year right before COVID, where it was becoming really loud. Everyone and anywhere would tell me like, "Have you written a book? I feel like this could be a book." And I was just like, "Whatever divine entities out there trying to give me these messages. I rebuke you."

Amena Brown:

Get out of here.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

"Get out of here. I'm not going to do that." But then it got so real when one of my therapists who had told me that too, that was some of the people that had told me that was like, "Yo, I not only think you should write a book. I am going to pay you to write a book."

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

"I will give you money to publish a book because if I had your story, it would make my job easier. I could forward this book. I could share this book with those folks that feel that way, that think they're the only ones this way or that have that type of history and experience as a first-gen immigrant background community coming from that kind of community. If I could just have something to give them to be like, "No, you're not the only one."" And that felt real to me.

I think at that time when they actually were like, "I'm going to give you money for this." I was like, "Oh, this is real." Okay, now I'm tuning in to the divine and being like, "All right, all right. I see this is really going to happen. Okay." I got really excited about it and decided to talk to my own network of support. Jason, my partner, who had also was thinking of writing a book or maybe had already written his by then and asked him for support, he was like, "Oh, no, girl, we going to get you somebody. That's ... " because we were thinking of maybe getting self-published, and he went like, "No, somebody's going to pay you for this book."

Amena Brown:

Big facts.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

One of the biggest lessons was that it's impossible to write a book as a woman of color with kids, who's a mom without a really strong support system.

Amena Brown:

Right. Right.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

It's just hard because we just have so much going on. I don't have ... I'm not a trust baby, so I couldn't just take my money that is making money to go off somewhere and write a book.

Amena Brown:

Right. That part. That part. Um, you didn't have the cabin?

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

No.

Amena Brown:

You didn't have the extra cabin-

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

I don't.

Amena Brown:

Where you could just drop up to the cabin and write?

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

I don't have that boat. I don't have that boat.

Amena Brown:

Oh, man. Wow. What a time.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Yeah, I know. I don't have that boat, sadly. So yeah, I was like, "Okay, this is going to be hard, but I'm going to do it.

I literally was so inspired by Gloria Anzaldúa. She made it. She's one of the people that I talked about in the book and some of the things that she talks about not in the works, but when she's directing to women of color who write and they're just like, the world is set against you writing from the get because there's just so much going on, so much things that politically, socially, in your families that will get in the way of that, but it's going to be a gift. I just remember having this thought of, "It's going to be a gift." She just gave me so much life in being a writer, and then I read somebody else's book too. That was really helpful for my writing process. The same woman that wrote Eat, Love, Pray.

Amena Brown:

Oh, my gosh.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Elizabeth ...

Amena Brown:

Elizabeth Gilbert.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

She has a book on writing, and she talks about how you have to treat writing like your secret lover that you really want to see every single day, but you got to be real, real sneaky so that your husband don't find out. And I was like, "Okay, okay."

Amena Brown:

Please.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

This is problematic. But-

Amena Brown:

I can see it.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

... I like it."

Amena Brown:

Problematic.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

There's got to be a lot of work thought into getting sneaky like that.

Amena Brown:

Big facts.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

So I was like, okay, I think I can do that then. And someone actually recommended that book while I was in my writing process. And I mean that's my community. That's the people that really believed in me during that time, were pouring into me, were being like, "Yes, you got this. Here's a meal. Here's my extra room for the weekend," little things like that that as a mom, for me, I need a quiet and silence because I don't get that as much in my home environment. Not because it's crazy, but because we're busy kids, I'm married, full-time job, et cetera. I would say that was definitely how my book happened, actually, the support that I got and this nagging feeling that I think was a divine kind of intervention of me like, "You need to write this book not for you, for the people that might need to hear that."

Amena Brown:

Yeah, man, what you said about the support system is so powerful because writing is lonely. It can be lonely as far as when you finally have to get in there by yourself and actually type or write or whatever your process is to get the words out. And if you feel alone, it's like it's already going to be lonely. You know that's true. But if you feel alone in the sense of not having the people around you that are rooting for you, that are actually tangibly supporting you in some ways, I mean.

So I think that's such a wonderful note for those of you that are interested in book writing or writing longer projects. Think about who are those people in your life that can babysit if you have children, that can take your pets out and handle that, that can bring you food so all you have to do a certain day, however many hours you have. Like you said, we're not of the people who I know of, some writers are like, "Oh, you know, every writer needs a cabin." I'm like, "Who has a cabin? Who has a separate house? What'd you mean?"

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Or money for that?

Amena Brown:

What do you mean?

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Yes. Yes.

Amena Brown:

We need to find some other ways to do this.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

That was my other motivation for writing my book. I've always been a big personal development, self-care, self-help book reader because of my own issues that I've had and that I've grown from. And I just remember reading things and I was just like, "What? I don't understand your life experience in general. What do you mean doing these things, going to your grandparents' cabin by the lake? I don't understand that."

So the personal experiences that some of these amazing writers, by the way, who I've learned so much from personally, I just couldn't relate to, and I just wish there was a story that I could relate to. And that's kind of what really prompted me to also be very honest about my own story, because I wanted others to see that themselves reflected in my story and that we are so different. We can't get tired of telling the different ways that we have been able to find joy and healing in this lifetime. Because for every person that says it, there's someone that doesn't understand that perspective. We need somebody else. And so that was really my, I guess, even my grounding model through it all. Just my why, like why I was going to do this.

Amena Brown:

Ugh, I love it. Okay. Describe a chingona. What's she like?

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

A chingona is a badass. She understands that no matter how scary it is to heal herself and how lonely it might be that she needs to go through that because it is a way of her ancestors in a way that her ancestors were able to survive. And it is a way forward in that it gives her community and her own descendants that ability to see hope despite the violence that might be surrounding her, despite colonialism and all of its effects, she still rises even through all that. So that's what a chingona is to me. She's just out here breaking generational cycles, sometimes taking anti-depressants, you know what I'm saying? Sometimes you need that.

Also be looking at some metaphysical kinds of deity and that's her own ancestors as a fuel and just fire for her to keep going. And so I love chingonas. I think women in general are chingonas because there's just so much that we do. We bring life to this world, not just physically, but I think emotionally and communally. We just ... we're out here. We're involved. We try to walk along each other and support one another in those dark times.

And I just think that's beautiful. That's a part of womanhood that I really, really was able to finally see and participate in after many years of, I think as a woman of color growing up feeling like I had to be at odds with other women or just fighting other women and realizing like, "No, that's all just patriarchal violence on our bodies. Stop that."

So yeah, I read this book now, I go back and read my book and I'm just like, "Dang, okay. All right, lady. I wish I had that energy right now." When I was writing this book, I was in that real beautiful pocket of really believing my own stuff. So I was like, "Dang, it's powerful," reading back now and being like, "Yeah, I need that today."

Amena Brown:

Right like, "Yes, sis," but to yourself, I like that. I love the theme of reclamation that happens so much throughout this book, Alma, and you are specifically reclaiming the term chingona, because you write in your book how chingona, if that is said to you in your culture, that that was a negative thing to hear. So why was it important to you to reclaim the term chingona?

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Yeah, so chingona was often a term used to really silence women in my family. It was a way to say, "Sit down, be quiet. No one wants to hear what you got to say." I grew up in a very machista household, so that explains a lot of who I am. I know, not a surprise there, but chingona, when that term directed at my male counterparts, chingon was always said with such pride and adoration for that person. And I was like, "I want that. What's that about?"

And it wasn't until I grew up and I realized the history of chingona and the word chingona in general, that I was like, "Well, isn't this interesting, everybody?" It was actually a term, a derogatory term used for the Mechica children, so the half-indigenous, half-Spanish children of the raped women in not only Mexico, but in Central America. And because of that, it just broke my heart that there was so much just ignorance about even the history of it and how we use it and how so biasly or how it was used very biasly, and then also how it just wasn't really meant to be this way to just otherize these children and as unwanted, not really almost like the word bastard in English. I know it's kind of a outdated term as well, but just that feeling of you don't belong. You're a fatherless child. You're not claimed as a person.

And I think over the years, I started to see the reclaiming of the term by different women of color, Latinas across the world and from different backgrounds. And I realized, "This is amazing." It's an amazing way for ourselves kind of say, "No, we can also be the part of chingona that we've reclaimed it to really mean more of badass, something to be proud of, to feel that you're admired." That chingona is admired because they're seen as this almost these older women or maybe a little just women that are really coming into their own, whether they're old or not, is what I'm trying to say.

So it just became more of a way of saying, "Wow, that person's really stepping into their own." And the fact that that couldn't be captured in this word, that used to be something crazy. I was just, it just really, really moved me. And that part of that was like, "Yeah, how do we claim that part and how do we reclaim ourselves?" And that's what this book is about. It's really about reclaiming my own identity as in just from trauma, from intergenerational violence and the things that I grew up kind of witnessing and wanting a term to capture that, to say, we could really make this mean something different.

And so now it's obviously reclaimed, it's also still very unpopular. And in some ways, there's some folks that have told me that actually here in LA, they wanted me to come talk about my book, but that there's been some criticism about the term and how it's a bad word.

Amena Brown:

Huh!

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Because it is like to chinga in many Latin cultures means to F-word. And so there's that connotation because of the history of the word. That's what it was used for, because it was about effing these, raping these women.

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

And so there's that connotation. And so I tend to notice that a lot of folks from more middle to higher income Latinos are very like, "I don't like this word." They kind of have feelings, stronger feelings about that word. But I grew up, like I said, I grew up hearing this word all the time. And I don't know if that was a part of my own positionality as a working class background woman that maybe to me it wasn't that big a deal. I mean, cussing in general isn't that big a deal. So there's that.

Amena Brown:

That part. That part.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

But I can see why some people are very uncomfortable by that.

Amena Brown:

Right. Yeah, no, it's good to ... I think it's just interesting, especially talking with other folks of color and from our own backgrounds, the things that we discover to reclaim, I think is so powerful because there's a lot of our histories due to colonization and other a sundry racism and things that were stolen away, taken away from us. We were made to look at those things in a certain way instead of be able to reclaim some things is so empowering. So I was very interested to hear you talk more about that. I love it.

I want to ask a very important question, which is, were there certain snacks that you needed while you were writing this book? Because I really need to know about the snacks were you-

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

Were you a snack person while writing or not so much?

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

I was definitely snacking. I don't know that it's a snack. It's actually a whole food, a meal that I would come back to. But I really love Thai food. One, I feel like they gets down with their chilies like my-

Amena Brown:

Dude, yes. That's spice. Yes.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

I respect that. I respect that. And so I remember when I would go on my writing retreats, which were really me at an Airbnb for the weekend or things like that, I could not wait to not only get Thai food but not have to share with anyone.

Amena Brown:

Oh, my!

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

And also get whatever I wanted because it's for me.

Amena Brown:

That's it.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Not for the family, not for my partner.

Amena Brown:

That's it. Now that we're talking about this, Alma, I really want to encourage any women who are listening, even if you're not writing a book, tell the people in your life you are so that you too can get access to some Airbnb, some hotel room out there, and just order some food for yourself that you don't have to share.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

With nobody. I feel like that's worth them thinking that they could be asking. You could take you six years to air quotes, "write a book". Do whatever you have to, is what I'm telling y'all.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

It could be a lifetime project.

Amena Brown:

And they'll be like, "But did you come home with some chapters, mama?" And you'd be like, "Don't worry about it. Mind your business. I'm doing what I'm supposed to do." Yes.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

Okay. So it was the Thai food for you. Did you have a particular dish that is your dish or are you just like, "Whatever's on this menu, I'm here for it."

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

No, no, no. I definitely have one. So papaya salad. I don't know if you've ever had papaya salad. So good.

Amena Brown:

Mm-hmm. That's it. That's it. Mm-hmm.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

So good. I like anything with a good noodle in there. So I get anything noodle with my papaya salad and their chicken, I never say it right, satay, saute chicken?

Amena Brown:

I'm sure that I am also not saying right. Whoever's listening, you know what we're talking about and it's delicious.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Yes, yes. It's that orange chicken.

Amena Brown:

Yes.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Kind of.

Amena Brown:

Yes. Delicious.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

It's not orange chicken. It's like chicken breast on a stick that has some kind of peanut sauce, chicken on a stick. So good.

But I concur with you about women just in general needing their own time away. I have motivated some of my friends and close acquaintances that are not writing no book to go away for a weekend and do you, and just eat your food and nourish yourself and just treat yourself that weekend. And oh my gosh, to me, that's self-care.

Amena Brown:

Listen.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

You can miss me with the massage. I will want some time alone and some good food. That's me.

Amena Brown:

Period. I have a couple of friends whose partners are like, "When is that person birthday?" Their partner be like, "Don't worry, I got it." And it's like, it's a hotel. "I'm going to take you there and drop you off. If we going to take you to dinner for your birthday, we'll take you the next day, but your actual birthday, go to there. Just here's a robe."

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

"Order room service, get some food delivered." That's it. I think this is a treat that some of us need because it's a lot of caretaking. Some of us are entering the age where even if you may not have children, you might be caring for elderly parents or other elderly family members. You just have some people you is taking care of. You need you at least 24 hours. Get those people together. Get them together, please. Please. Yes.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

Mm-hmm. Okay. Let me ask you about this, Alma. And then I want you to share with the people how they can stay in touch with you, how they can buy five copies of Chingona, because those are the rules on HER with Amena Brown. When people come on here with books, I'm not just suggesting they go and buy one, they need to buy five. That way they have one. They have one as a gift. They could take one to work. It's a lot of options when you buy five copies at a time. But we're going to get to that.

I want to talk about the healing journey because you make reference to this a lot, which I think is so powerful because when we have experienced trauma, when we have experienced deep pain, we think sometimes that healing is a place we'll arrive to there that will get to this point where, "Oh, I'm here now. I no longer blank, blank, blank." And really it's this constant journey, but beginning that journey is hard when you're realizing a painful thing has happened to me and I don't want to be stuck in that pain. But sometimes it can feel equally as painful to begin. If you could give thoughts to people who might read your book and say to them, what are some things they can think about or consider as they begin their healing journey? What would you say?

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Yeah, it is definitely hard, especially for me, and I talk about this in my book. Part of my healing process was almost like my body just deciding like, "Nope, I'm not going work anymore correctly if you don't take care of your mind, body, spirit connection because it's just not going to happen." So I literally just was not physically feeling well. I had different kinds of things going on in my body, panic attacks and just my arm, shoulder.

And a lot of that was because I was living so disembodied from how things that I was. I went through a lot of racial discrimination in my PhD program and I talk about that too. And then before that, just different things in my family that compounded on that and just how all of that just became so much for me to just keep going without pausing and needing a pause in my life.

And so for me, it was very difficult to ignore. It was very tangible and it just really kind of sat me down and I had to deal with it. And it was hard because if you know anything about overachievers, when they got to sit down for a little bit, they think the world's going to end. Or I don't know what they think.

Amena Brown:

Child.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

They're just real worried about everything.

Amena Brown:

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Do be. Mm-hmm.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

So I was just like, "I don't like this." And then my sensations, feelings, critical thinking brain. And then I realized, "No, that was just some toxic, negative self-talk there."

And so I had to really learn all of that. And all of that couldn't have happened if I hadn't just giving a big pause in my life. And that's kind of what set me off. And absolutely after I did that, it just felt like I was going into a void that I was getting deeper, deeper, deeper, deeper. And I was just getting real scared that I was going to get stuck there forever.

And it wasn't until I just embraced like, "No, this is just where I am," that my compassion for myself grew. And that just all of the different ways of just even engaging with oneself, it just grew so much that after a while, even if I were to go through a very dark, dark process like that again, what I have now in just in terms of healing is really the way that my brain got reconditioned to thinking and reacting to those things.

And so two years of just feeling like, "When am I going to stop crying?" It was very depressed season, just feeling just very unreachable almost. And really what I learned from that was just I needed to look to go through that to find the self-compassion, to then be able to move forward because I couldn't until I just allowed it.

And so it was one of the biggest lessons, even just going through that really dark time because the process itself is teaching you things, which is something that I didn't realize before going into it. I was resisting. 'Cause I was like, "That sounds like a big waste of time and I don't want to do all that. Can we just skip to the part where everything's cool again?" And I was like, "No, you kind of have to go through those things to learn some of these harder lessons in life."

And now of course I'm super grateful for that but when you're in it, it's so hard. I think that it would've been catastrophic if I hadn't had people around me that were noticing and trying to support me in that process. I mean, I surrounded myself with the support group and therapy and antidepressants at one point because sometimes you just need that extra help and it's okay. And that's part of healing.

It doesn't have to feel like you're going to be there forever. It's a step towards feeling better and eventually, depending on your own journey, it might be months, years later, you don't need all of those things anymore. I'm currently not on antidepressants anymore, for instance. But when I needed them, I needed them.

And so I think that a lot of times, to me that was a harder process, accepting that I needed that was harder for me than actually being on it. Once I was actually on it, I was like, "Oh, okay, cool. The world's not catching on fire. That's cool." It just helped my brain to start making some healthier neuropaths in there because I had just been stuck for so long.

Yeah, but it doesn't take away from the fact that it is scary.

Amena Brown:

Sure.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

You do need support. It's hard to do it alone. Don't do it alone. Find somebody, it's not a fun. Nobody says like, "Oh, I can't wait to go see my therapist today." Nobody likes that. No, nobody wants to cry. Nobody wants to show up and dig deep. Having that support group for me, it was monumental just having that.

So one of the other things that I talk about in my book is just this scar isn't just the wound, it's actively healing, but it's also a bridge to healing. You can heal that. And so I think even having that perspective couldn't have happened if I hadn't gone through my own growth process through all of that pain.

And I'm just excited that when folks go through those changes, I feel like I learned so much from them myself in a support group, the ways that they see the world, the ways that they're starting to reimagine things, it's beautiful. So yeah, it's definitely hard though. I'm going to play that down at all.

Amena Brown:

Right. Big facts. It's a challenge, people. It's a challenge. Okay? But I want to say to people who are listening, if you are-

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

I think because you're going to come back and be like, "Alma said, "Nope. It's going to be hard.""

Amena Brown:

Okay. All right. Alma then told y'all the truth. And I think that reading Chingona is going to be so good for folks, especially if you are a person who is realizing now some of the things you may experience in your life.

And sometimes especially those of us growing up in communities of color, there's a lot we experienced that is totally and completely trauma, but we don't realize it is until much later. We don't have that realization, "That was actually a traumatic thing I experienced." It just became normalized as means of survival and things. And I feel like there's so much you wrote there, Alma, that I think is going to be so useful for folks.

So if you're at that place where you're like, I'm needing to take some steps for myself, start with some material that can help you. Chingona is a wonderful resource for you to hear someone else's story to hear about how healing is a journey. None of us have all the way gotten there. We all just walk in hoping that we can just grow and heal a little bit as time goes on.

So now to the important things I want to say as well. When people want to go and buy five copies of Chingona, Alma, where should they go to do this? If they want to follow your work, if people want to pay Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty, where do they go to find more information about you, to follow you? Tell me the things.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Yeah, so I am most reachable on Instagram, and so you could find me @thedocZP, T-H-E-D-O-C-Z-P. And I got all the links there on how to buy my book, click on my bio. I really encourage folks to buy it on bookshop.org because it supports local, your local bookstore as opposed to the cog and the machines and the all that. So that's one way. But I'm also in all the machines and the cogs, so if you want to buy on Amazon, I'm there too. So just get your books.

Amena Brown:

Absolutely. Buy five, everyone. Five. Five. Y'all can't see my fingers, but pretend you can. Five, five copies of Chingona.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty, thank you. Not only for joining us in the HER living room, but for taking the time that it took to tell your story that other people can feel found and seen when they encountered Chingona. Thank you so much.

Dr. Alma Zaragoza-Petty:

Thank you so much. That's beautiful. Makes me feel like I really did something out here. Thank you.

Amena Brown:

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 100

Amena Brown:

Hey everybody. Welcome back to this week's episode of HER with Amena Brown, and this week's episode is a celebration. This is the 100th episode of HER with Amena Brown. Cue applause, cue applause, cue confetti, cue balloons, cue celebratory things, pyrotechnics. If you're into that, cue pyrotechnics right here. Let me be honest with y'all for a second, I don't know why I said that as if all of these podcasts have not been me telling y'all my business. But let me bring y'all closer, closer into the living room and tell you, one of the hardest things about having this podcast for me as a stage person is that I am here in a room myself and my husband, who is also my producer, he's waving at y'all and we have recorded a lot of episodes like this. And every now and then there'll be another one or two people on a Zoom or something, maybe a few times I think we've had people do in person interviews, but for the most part it has been me and Matt in here just recording these.

And I miss the fact that I can't see you, but I want to say thank you to each of you, those of you that are HER with Amena Brown OGs that were listening to what my assistant Leigh and I referred to as HER 1.0, which was HER before it relaunched as a weekly. And those of you who just joined us in the living room since HER with Amena Brown has joined iHeart and the Seneca Women Podcast Network, just know that I really appreciate you all, every DM from you, those of you that are my friend's friends that text me when you've listened to these episodes, any tweets I receive, all of that is just so wonderful for me because I started the relaunch of this podcast in the middle of the pandemic, really.

So we were all at home and we were all sort of sequestered away from each other and even though there are safer ways to gather, it still didn't work out for this 100th episode to have a very safe way to have pulled off the type of live episode I want to do for y'all. But just know the true way that I want to celebrate that HER with Amena Brown made it to a hundred episodes, is by having a live recording where I get to meet some of you, see some of you for the first time, reconnect with some of you that I may have met at events or in other aspects of life, and have a guest have conversation where we all get to be in the room together. So just know that is on my radar and that is a plan. However, today's episode is a behind the poetry episode that also is befitting as a way to celebrate this podcast making it to a hundred episodes.

So those of you who are new to the podcast or are new to the Behind the Poetry episode form, whenever I do an episode that is behind the poetry here... And you know what I just thought about y'all? I thought about how all of these current Behind the Poetry episodes have been me taking you all behind the poetry that I've written, but you know what I've never done? I have never done an episode where I took y'all behind the poetry with a poem that has been really important to me or was life changing for me in some way. So I got all sorts of ideas when I'm in here talking to y'all. So I'm going to take that back to the team and see what we can work out there. But for today, we're doing what is the usual behind the poetry episode. And that starts out with me either letting y'all listen to a recording of the poem or me doing a reading of the poem, which today will be a reading. So you get to hear the poem. And then I take you through what made me write the poem. What is the real life story behind how the poem was written? What is the real life story behind performing the piece for the first time? And how do I feel about the poem now?

So I'm really excited to share this piece with you all because there's a lot about this poem that really exemplifies what I think of when I think about the living room that I am referring to all the time, the living room that we are in, that no matter where you are listening to this podcast, you are always in the living room with me and with the other people that are in the community of us listening here. So let's start off with a reading of this episode's poem, Our Own Potluck.

Black women, let's gather our love for each other and find a meeting place, the table, the kitchen, the porch, the worn couch in the living room, the flesh underneath our arms, the curls at the nap of our necks.

Let us bring our souls and hips to our own potluck.

I will bring my ability to find humor in just about everything, and you, you will bring your shyness, your softness, and you, you will bring your takes-no-nonsense attitude and you, you will bring your singing voice that pierces through the air, the first morning light of the sun, and you, you will bring greetings and say a prayer of blessing of lament, of love of grace.

We will spend time saying their names, the Black women and Black trans women who were taken from us.

We will hold their names close to our collarbones. We will let their names rest in the silence of our breath and we will fight for them.

We will then speak our own names to each other, to the flowers as they remind us we still bloom to our bellies as they remind us our bodies are worthy.

We will bump hips trying to set the table. We will gather ourselves to heal, to remember we will touch shoulders and find ourselves in each other's smiles.

Pass me a plate, pass the peace.

Okay, let's start with what made me write this poem and what is the real life story behind writing the poem? Okay so, I sort of have to tell you a story in a story in a story to get to what made me write this poem. And I think that story begins with Chef Edna Lewis. And I'm pretty sure that I've spoken about Chef Edna Lewis here on the podcast, but if I haven't, Chef Edna Lewis is one of the fore mothers of what we know as southern food as well as soul food. She was an amazing Black woman chef, and I encountered her work originally when I was recovering from a very intense fibroid surgery many years ago. I said many years ago, I guess it was a few years ago, but a few years ago. It feels like many years ago now though, right?

And during the time of my recovery, I had a very difficult surgery. And so during the time of my recovery, I chose some books that I felt would be healing books for me to read. I read Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barnes's book, Too Heavy a Yoke. I read Sisters Of The Yam by bell hooks, and I read The Taste of Country Cooking by Edna Lewis. And The Taste of Country Cooking is a cookbook, but it's almost like a cookbook and a memoir together. And a friend of mine had come over, shout out to my friend Andy, she had come over to kind of help me get some things prepped at the house before I went into the hospital. And one of the things that I, for some reason cared very much about was having biscuits in the freezer.

It was very, very crucial to me to have fresh made biscuits, but put them in the freezer so that if I wanted a biscuit and I could not stand at the oven and do this whole thing myself, that I could then kind of do what you would normally do with what we would use when we would use Grands Biscuits back in the day, is that the brand? I think it's Grands where it's like the can and it pops open, right? So I really wanted that ease of when you would use Grands biscuits, you didn't have to think too hard about the fact that you wanted some biscuits. So my friend Andy came over and I had started making some biscuits before she got there, and she looked at my little pitiful biscuits and she was like, "Hey, let's use Edna Lewis's recipe." And so she came in and did Edna Lewis's recipe, and I talked to her for a few for what felt like a few minutes anyways, and she just ended up making all the biscuits.

And then we froze just the dough before you make the biscuit, so that way you could sort of take them out of the freezer. I'm just going to give y'all a little game right here, you do these biscuits, you put them on a cookie sheet, and then you put them in the freezer and then they're frozen kind of more individually, so you can put them all in a Ziploc bag or whatever container from there. And that was how we did it. And that was the first time I'd ever heard of Edna Lewis and I decided to get her book. And what's really wonderful to me about her book is that the memoir portions and the recipes are based on the season. So she's taking you through her experience as a little girl growing up in Freetown, Virginia, which was a town of freed Black folks post emancipation.

And she's talking about how these are Black folks in her community, her parents, her family, friends of her family, and these memories she had as a child of how they were eating seasonal foods and the ways that they took these fruits and vegetables from the land, how they canned certain things at certain times of the year to be ready at other times of the year and I got really involved in reading the book. And one of the things that was hardest for me when I was recovering from surgery is I had an eight to 10 week recovery time. So I had a long time before I was physically able to stand up in the kitchen and cook, I would have, so it was kind of great reading her book, but it was also really tempting because you're reading all these amazing recipes of course, I wanted to go and cook right away.

So once I got better and had healed up from surgery, I thought about the movie Julie and Julia, which some of you may be familiar with this film. And it's a blogger who decides to cook her way through all of Julia Child's recipes in a particular book. And it's based on a true story because this blog actually did happen that then was turned into a book that then was turned into this film. And I wanted to do something similar to what she had done with Julia and Julia, but basically make it Amena and Edna.

I didn't see myself being someone that could start a blog. I didn't see myself being that, but I thought maybe if I could sort of do a seasonal capsule in a way. And so before the pandemic, probably, I think in 2019, I approached my friend Lyric Lewin, who is a fantastic photojournalist, and asked her would she be willing to come in and collaborate with me and come to my house while I was making these recipes and could we get some really good photographs of the food and stuff. And so we did this a couple of seasons, and I remember one of the seasons, I feel like the summertime maybe of 2019, my grandmother and my mother, they came over and I told them like, hey, I'm cooking through these recipes. I would kind of look at the different section for that season and choose maybe four or five dishes to make and invited my mom and grandma to come over to kind of help me taste the food, which of course they were very happy to do.

And Lyric and I worked on this together hoping that our goal could be to pitch it to a publication to see if we could get the story behind what I was doing and the photograph that she had been taking published. And it ended up being a much longer journey to actually get this published than we thought. We sent out different pitches and things and talked with different folks, and some of those things would fall through, or sometimes people wouldn't respond back, and we would just keep on trying updating the photos and different things. And finally, in 2020, we're able to get a taker. And I want to give a big shout-out to Whetstone Magazine for being the publication that ended up taking the story. But once I had written kind of the essay portion, it still seemed like it needed something. And I kind of felt like maybe a poem was supposed to go there.

And I was kind of afraid to say that to Lyric because my poems don't come to me quickly. And we had already waited so long trying to get this thing published that I was almost afraid to be like, "Oh, Lyric, I think there's supposed to be a poem here and what if it takes another year for the poem to get done?" And interestingly, by the time I was finishing the article, it was around Juneteenth of 2020, and many of us remember what that time of June of 2020 was like, there were a lot of protests going on. I think Juneteenth, which had been very much a Texas thing, or for some folks, the Louisiana thing, it was very sort of localized and regional, the Black folks that celebrated Juneteenth. Juneteenth became not just in the sense of it becoming a national holiday, even though that is what happened, but I think also it just became a part of more of a national consciousness, especially for a lot of Black folks that may not have been exposed to Juneteenth as a holiday, right?

And I remember that Juneteenth coming up, and I remember it feeling really weird for me because I wanted to gather with other Black folks around that time, and it just wasn't yet really safe to do that. So I kind of thought to myself, what's the gathering I can imagine if there were a figurative gathering in a way of Black women, what does our cookout look like? What does our potluck look like? What would that be? And that was sort of the beginning germination of Our Own Potluck that came to my mind. I was writing, thinking about Juneteenth, I was writing, thinking about, of the ways I have gathered with other Black people, what has felt the most life giving to me? And I thought about my times as a little girl being in the kitchen with the Black women in my family. I thought about the times I have gathered Black women at my house.

I remember one Easter on Good Friday actually, I had a lemonade party, a lemonade themed party. But I'm actually thinking to myself that it was lemonade themed, but I think we watched Homecoming. I don't think we watched Lemonade, actually, the film, I think we watched the Homecoming film from Beyoncé. And then after we finished watching Homecoming, we played music and sang and ugh, it was just wonderful. And so I thought, how can I bring in a poem this way that I would love to be coming together with a lot of Black women I love, how could I put that in a poem? So that's how the poem got written. And interestingly, the poem came together much more quickly than I thought it would, and I was really happy with it. I was happy with the combination of having essay and poetry and Lyric's beautiful photographs as well. So the initial iteration of this poem ended up in Whetstone Magazine's online site, and it ended up going live, I think in August of 2020.

Okay. What is the real life story behind performing this poem for the first time? And here's interesting, the more I think about this. I don't think I have performed this poem anywhere in person that I can think of. I had one or two virtual events that were specifically for Black women. There's one in particular I can remember right now that I read this poem and this poem is always beautiful to me. But having the opportunity to read this poem to an audience of Black women is amazing. Chef's Kiss, chef Edna Kiss like, whew, so great. So I feel like I haven't had a chance to see what this poem would do yet on stage. And I'm sure there are other writers and performance poets like myself who have had some of that experience. You have pieces now that you've written in this very isolated time where we were finding ways to be in community together, but not in the ways we were used to. And now here's this poem that I haven't had a chance to really take it out there and let it get its wings. So I don't know, now that I'm telling y'all that, I'm thinking, hmm I got to find some place to take this poem out there, see what its rhythm is.

And the last question is, how do I feel about the poem now? It's really beautiful and tender feelings that I feel about this poem because I remember what that time in history was like, what it was like in America to be in the middle of an uprising, to be in the middle of a deadly pandemic as well, to be thinking about the ways that we wished we could have gathered together and couldn't, and to be thinking about the ways we have gathered in the past and will gather in the future.

And I love the idea of Black women having our own potluck, and that the things that we bring to the potluck are not necessarily food in this poem, the things that each Black woman is bringing there is not her candy yams or her mac and cheese or her greens or her poundcake, whatever her signature dish is. But for me, when I think of the community of Black women that I have around me, there are things that they bring to the potluck that is life. Some of them bring this great sense of spiritual groundedness. Those are the Black women that you look to, to say a prayer or lead a meditation. And the Black women who are like me that are always there to try to think of something to make people laugh or to say something inappropriate sometimes, depending on who's there, if it's really deemed inappropriate or not, the people who want to help us hold space for those that we've lost in this poem, it was really important to me this idea of we say their names.

And as a Spelman graduate, shout out to all of my Spelmanites listening, as a Spelman graduate we had this exercise, and I believe first year students at Spelman still do this, some of this, I don't know, might be in the lore of Spelman, so I won't tell all the details. But there's a certain kind of ceremony that first year students at Spelman do. And a part of it is, you are in this sacred space with all of the women that are in your class, and each of you have an individual moment to stand up and say your name. And at the time, I don't know that it hit me as powerful as it does now, but that's always been resonating with me ever since. And it was important to me that when we are together as Black women, I believe we are always honoring those people who are no longer with us, those who have passed on, those who were stolen from us as well.

And it was important to me to also make sure that we are saying the names of Black trans women and Black trans women are Black women. But I specifically wanted to make sure the line said Black trans women, because so many of our Black trans women in community with us have been taken away from us far too soon. And I felt that moment was important. And the moment of saying our own names to each other and finding each other in our smiles, bumping hips, all of the physicality that really does happen when you're sharing kitchen and living room and dining room and porch space with other Black women.

So this poem will always have tender feelings for me because it will be very hard for me to forget the era of time in which the poem was written, but also the poem itself still stands to be so true. I want Black women to have our own potluck. I want us to be able to be in spaces that nourish us and be in spaces together and with each other and nourish ourselves and nourish each other. That's just a beautiful, beautiful image to me. So that's the story behind Our Own Potluck, and I hope I get to have my own potluck with some of the Black women in my community really soon. Thanks for joining me in the Living Room. Y'all see you soon.

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRADIO. Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 99

Amena Brown:

Hey, everybody. Before we get into this week's episode, please note that this episode contains a brief mention of sexual assault. If this topic may be triggering for you, please take care of yourself by listening with caution or simply putting this episode aside for another time.

Hey everybody, welcome back to a new year and a new episode of HER with Amena Brown. And I'm so excited because we are bringing writer, speaker, social worker, activist, co-host of Melanated Faith and author of Remember Me Now: A Journey Back to Myself and a Love Letter to Black women, Faitth Brooks, yes, is in the living room. Yes, Faitth, all you getting all this applause. You getting all this applause? I'm applauding like it's 80 of me in here. Please.

Y'all, I'm just so excited to have Faitth in our living room with us. Because she my friend, she's been here before. We have talked about internet friends here, but also because Faitth Brooks is a wonderful writer. I've been in her life long enough to remember when she was like, "It is my dream. That's a part of my dream. I'm going to write books." And to see this book out right now, Faitth, I feel the feelings. Do you feel the feelings thinking about this?

Faitth Brooks:

I feel a lot of feelings.

Amena Brown:

Oh my gosh.

Faitth Brooks:

When we first met I was talking to you and it was just this dream I had. I had no idea how it was going to happen. And actually that year that we met, I spent that summer working on a book proposal. You had helped me, you sent me yours, and every time I would just kind of go to try to finish it I just didn't get to finish it. It just wasn't flowing. And it wasn't until three years later that I got an agent and then the next year, in year four, I started writing the book. So, really crazy.

Amena Brown:

Okay, I want to talk about this because I have a lot of things I want to talk about regarding the book. It's emotional anytime as a Black woman, you're reading a book that another Black woman is writing to you. She's writing to other Black women, which is very central to your book. So, that's always emotional. And then you add the layer of this is my friend and I'm just listening to her voice. So many feelings. Okay, this is the first question I want to know. Do you remember when the idea or the form for this book, because we are going to talk a little bit more about the form in a minute, but sometimes the forum and the idea don't come together. So, did they come together or separately and how did both ideas, form and idea for the book, come to you?

Faitth Brooks:

Yeah, so in 2017 I had the idea for elements of this book. And so I wanted to talk about my life. I wanted it to be memoir style, but I had a different approach to it. And when it came down to beginning to put this book proposal together, I took elements from what I had started and just because of where I was at in life, my vantage point was different, which this is something I've learned, is sometimes you need things to marinate. So, the core about wanting to share elements of my life and my story always remained and there's some chapters that I actually had from the original thought that evolved. So, everything evolved from what I put together in 2017. The initial idea. But what it grew into was really shaped and informed by my experience in that 2020 and 2021 years of my life.

I knew I wanted to have a book that encapsulated the past 10 years, the '20s if you will, because I didn't feel like I read books by other Black women, especially in faith adjacent spaces that had to do with our life and our becoming. That just wasn't very popular. It was all about how to become a woman of God or whatever that might look like or how to thrive or that other book, How to Be a Badass. And I really wanted a book where it was like, this is just my life and my story because I feel like far too often we as Black women have to stuff that down and I wanted to write something that opened that space up for us to speak.

Amena Brown:

I love that. I love that. I want to talk about the form of this book because you are using one of my favorite things to read, which is epistolary or letter form, and we're going to talk about some Black girl and Black woman books that you love here in a minute. But of course I have to bring the color purple into the chat because there's something so foundational about the words that Black women write to each other that your book is very centered on this theme of sisterhood among Black women.

So, as soon as I got into that letter portion and how that keeps coming back so consistently in the book, I just love that because my first exposure to that, especially when you're thinking about Black women writing to Black women, those of us who grew up in Christian homes or grew up in the Christian religion, we have had the experience of thinking about the letter form that's used in the Bible as a scriptural text. But thinking about Black women writing to each other, the Color Purple was my first time reading these sisters writing back and forth, and you're watching how their lives are shifting and changing in time. So, what made you want to say this is a letter and I'm not just calling it a letter, it is literally a letter, many letters inside this book to Black women at various stages of life, what made that form seem like that's what that book wants to be?

Faitth Brooks:

So, it was an evolution of sorts for how I got to the letters, but I will say never discount where you start. I had a blog called Lyrics and Letters for a while because I love music and I would write songs and that's where my poetry bend comes from. I wrote a lot of songs and poetry when I was younger and I called it Lyrics and Letters because I felt like my blogs and what I was sharing was letters to people. And so I've always had this fascination with being personable and connecting with people on a personal level. And so that's where the letters really came from within me.

But then also as the book evolved, originally I was going to make it pretty general in the sense that I wanted to talk to Black women, but I was going to have a chapter that actually addressed some misconceptions about Black women. And I felt like, you know what? If this is to Black women, I only want to talk to Black women. And so I had to make a shift.

So, I actually shifted after my book was kind of accepted and everything. I was like, I'm changing some things. And I was thankful to have a really great publisher that was okay with that. That was okay with me changing and actually being able to share what I felt like I wanted to share, which was I want to narrow in on my audience. Anybody can read this book, we know that. But I want to write specifically to Black women. And that changed everything for me. It made the book more free flowing in what I was writing. I had more direction because I knew exactly who I was talking to you and I didn't have to go back and forth between talking to Black women and then I'm not talking to Black women.

I only wanted to talk to Black women. And so that made the letters, the poetry, everything come to life. And I got really specific about what I wanted in the book. I wanted to have my own poetry. I loved the idea of having quotes from other artists, but I said, you know what? I want to write my own poetry. And as I was writing, the words just came and then I found other words that I had written before. And so I had been writing pieces of this book for over 10 years. There's some elements of this book I had written in different places. And it's just this culmination and it really does remind me that nothing is wasted because there's so many words on pages. I would've thought, "Oh, I'm never going to use that." And that poetry made it in the book. So, it's been pretty cool to see how all the words from all the different years came together.

Amena Brown:

I love that. I love that. And there's something so personal to having the form of letter writing to be there. And it's also personal hearing your story in this book. So, I don't want to give y'all too many spoilers because I want y'all to go to y'all's favorite independent bookstore and buy five copies. Let me tell you why I'm telling you five copies. Because that way you got one for yourself, you have four to just have around in your home or at the office and that way when somebody walks in that you're like, "You know what? You need to read this book." You already bought them. That's what I'm trying to tell y'all. So, just putting that out there.

Okay. Let's talk about some of Faitth's favorite things. This is my first important question I need to ask. When you were writing this book, did you have a favorite snack that you had to have while you were writing?

Faitth Brooks:

That's a good question. I don't know if I had a favorite snack. I just know that I ate plenty, but I know that I had to have coffee. That was a must. I just had to have it for sure.

Amena Brown:

Okay, let's discuss what type of writing coffee person you are. Are you a person who is just having coffee, it's no cream, it's no sugar for you? Are you a person who's getting involved in a latte? What are the coffee vibes when you're writing?

Faitth Brooks:

For sure. It's either a latte or a cold brew.

Amena Brown:

Come on cold brew.

Faitth Brooks:

And usually a cold brew of the sweet cream. But yeah, latte or cold brew, definitely go to's for me.

Amena Brown:

I like this. I like this very much. Let us talk about, you do talk about hair in this book. I feel like you cannot put out almost any piece of art or literature about Black women without talking about hair because that's a thing that we are constantly discussing. I have met many a Black women whose name I don't even know on the aisle of Target, just being like, "Girl, did you try this product before? What did it do on your hair?" Okay, so we got to talk Black hair a little bit because you are definitely talking about your journey with your own hair in this book. When you were a little girl, what was your favorite Black girl hairstyle?

Faitth Brooks:

Oh, that is such a good question. But when I was little I had a relaxer, so I used to love it. Why? I do not know. There was two styles. It was either I got a roller set, so I looked like Shirley Temple. I loved Shirley Temple growing up. So, you couldn't tell me anything when I had that roller set in. And the other way, when I got a little bit older was, you know how when you had your hair straightened but you bumped the ends out?

Amena Brown:

Come on, come on. Where it was like flipped?

Faitth Brooks:

Yes, where it was flipped. I was all about that flipped hair. That was a big thing for me. So, it was either that roller set or my hair was flipped out and you couldn't tell me anything, to be honest. I knew I looked good.

Amena Brown:

I want to thank you for bringing the flip into this conversation because I had forgotten how much I too enjoyed that flip. Especially back in the day when the French roll was in, those of us who were wearing our relaxed hair. And if I could get the French roll where part of the French roll was up, but then the back was out and that back part was flipped, please don't talk to me in class because I am so cute. Get out.

Faitth Brooks:

And don't forget the bump because there was also the bump and flip. That was a big thing when you bumped your hair and flipped it. That was also in. And maybe it was just mostly in the south, I don't know. But I was definitely bumping and flipping my hair.

Amena Brown:

I am thinking that you and I both have Texas roots and so now I'm like, that may have been ... I feel like we were in Texas at the similar times. That may have been a Texas style because there were certain hairstyles that when I moved away from Texas, people were like, "No, we didn't do that. What you was doing, we didn't do that where we were from." Love to see that. Tell the people more about how you are wearing your hair now and what's your favorite way to style your hair now.

Faitth Brooks:

So, I have stepped into the land of freedom and I have locced my hair. I locced my hair about a year and a half ago and I am the happiest I have been with my hair. I love it so much. I feel so much freedom and mainly because I'm not the kind of person, I've never been the kind of person, that loves to do hair. My mom actually likes to do her hair and so I had an amazing experience growing up with her and bonding over her doing my hair. But me personally, I've never loved it. So I always had my hair in braids. I always had my hair pulled up and I finally was like, you know what? I need to take the leap to just lock my hair. It's braided all the time anyway.

And people would say, you might regret it. What if you want to wear your hair straight? All this other staff. And I just decided I'm going to lock my hair. So, I got micro locs and they're small enough for me to curl them or style them in a different way. But to be honest with you, with these micro locks, I wake up, I roll over, I might spritz it with water and I just either pull it back so it's a little bit out of my face and wear it down or I pull it back in a ponytail and I'm just so happy. I can't even tell you. I do not stress about my hair. I go to my loctation, she washes my hair, we sit down, I come back and see her six weeks or so later and I'm living my best life.

Amena Brown:

I love that, Faitth. Yes. We love for a Black girl to find her own Black girl style that she wants to have with her hair. That in itself is so much freedom, discovering that. And I do want to speak to what you said about the, "You might regret it." I'm like, how many Black women have wanted to make a hair choice and have heard various asundry voices of people? "I don't know if you want to do that. You might regret it." And it's like, "Well this my hair, let me make my choices. Maybe I won't regret it." And if I decide at some other point in life that I want my hair to be different, I'll do that then. But for right now, this is what we're doing.

Faitth Brooks:

Exactly. And you know what? It was really freeing to make that decision. And at the time I wasn't married to my husband yet, we were still dating, but I was like, "I really want to do this. I'm nervous. Everybody has a lot of thoughts." And I just asked him what his opinion was and he was like, "Well if it makes you happy, you should just do it."

And I was like, you know what? I'm going to do it. And it still was the best decision I've ever made. You don't have to worry about what might happen or what if you don't like it. You can take them out, you can do that. You can comb them out or you can cut your hair off if you want to and start over, but your hair will grow back. And one thing that I have realized is how many decisions have I delayed on making because I was so concerned about, "Oh, you might not like it. Oh, it might not be good." You know what? I just need to try it to know. So, I'm so glad that I tried it and now I know.

Amena Brown:

Yes. Because sometimes a thing is coming up in you because you know yourself. You know what you would like or what you'd like to try and it's worth it to you to give that a shot. Love to see that. But it is interesting to think about Black women and our relationship to our hair and how much unfortunate feedback is given as to what we should be doing or what we could be doing to our hair. And just experiencing the freedom of going, that's a decision I get to make for myself and whatever I decide for me, if that's my peace, then that's a good choice.

Faitth Brooks:

Yes, absolutely.

Because my self-esteem was really tied into my hair. How I viewed myself, my beauty, it was all attached to my hair. And so having this level of freedom has been amazing for me. Not only personally, but just in my own self-esteem and how I feel about myself. So, that's why you have to find whatever it is works for you. For a while being natural worked, then it wasn't working anymore. And so I had to find what worked for me.

Amena Brown:

I love it, Faitth. Shout out to Black women being free, honey. Whatever you want to do to your hair, just do it. Do it. Don't let those people talk you out of anything. Do it.

Okay. You have now written a Black girl book. I want to say in part every book a Black woman writes is in a sense a Black woman book or a Black girl book. But there are very quintessential Black girl or Black woman books that we as Black women are like, "This was written for me." That's what I mean when I say that you have written a Black woman book, you have written a book that you want Black women, Black girls, to be able to read and say, "I see myself, I see myself reflected. The questions that faith may have been asking at this season of her life, I'm asking those questions too."

What are your favorite Black girl books or favorite Black woman books? These could be books you grew up with or books you may have read in the latest season of your life. What are some of those that you love?

Faitth Brooks:

So I really love this book by Renita Weems. First of all, let me just say Renita Weems in general-

Amena Brown:

Speak a word today, Faitth, speak a word.

Faitth Brooks:

... Is amazing. I was introduced to her a few years ago, her work a few years ago. And when I tell you so much of what I've written and just sat with has been so inspired by her work. I think I've read was it All About Love by her? I might be getting these titles wrong, so we'll have to link the right ones. And then there was another one. I have to find the name of it because it is going to bother me.

But at any rate, Renita Weems is incredible.

Amena Brown:

Everything.

Faitth Brooks:

Her books completely inspired me during this time when I was writing this book and honestly, I don't know what words would've come out of me had I not read her books before I was writing. Because my letters are so inspired by the way in her books she speaks directly to you. When I tell you I felt, as I was reading her books, the words are just jumping out on the page and she's talking to me. That's how I felt. She's talking to me. I feel like she sees my life, she sees the season of life that I'm in and she's talking to me directly. So inspired by her words. Hands down, biggest inspiration, I have to say, for me.

And then obviously Toni Morrison, really inspired by her words and her storytelling, which was really inspirational for me as I really tried to hone in on that skill, which storytelling was a newer skill to me. And let me tell you all, writing is a skill, as I learned. People think, "I want to write." And I say that all the time, "I just want to write a book." And it wasn't until I was getting into the book that I realized, oh my goodness, this is hard work.

And when you want to write a book, especially one that's not just an instructional or a how to book, you want to actually write a book that's like storytelling. To me, it's even an extra layer. I can write the how to kind of books, that came pretty easily to me. I wrote a journal, an anti-racism journal, and that's more of a how-to, but to actually write a book where I'm telling a story and I want you to feel like you're with me and I want you to feel the emotion and the words come up off the page, it's a totally different aspect. And so those were writers that really inspired me during this time.

Amena Brown:

I love that. I second Renita Weems. I second her work. I am still in the middle of reading Listening for God, which was my entry point into reading her books. And just for me, really looking for Black women who are writing about spirituality and are writing about Christian spirituality in some ways and hearing her say yes, we hear a lot of men writing about the quiet place that they go and find. We hear a lot of men talking about all of the alone time that they need to have with God. And she was like, the reason why they have alone time is because they have employees, they have wives, they have people handling all the other tasks. So, they have plenty of time. She was like, "If God want to meet me, God going to have to meet me here at this sink while I'm washing these dishes." And she was like-

Faitth Brooks:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

... ONE of the first writers I ever heard say that. I just felt so free. Because there's a spiritual books, whatever tradition that you can read that will get into this, "Here is this perfect setting you need to find in order to engage your spirituality." And to hear her say, you can find pockets of beautiful things and all these ways you can experience spirituality in the life you got, not in the cabin that's in the mountains. When you working a job, you ain't got time to find a cabin.

Faitth Brooks:

I want to read that book. I've heard that. That one's really good. So I found the titles. It's Showing Mary, that was the first one that had me weeping. And then What Matters Most. And wow, What Matters Most is so good.

Amena Brown:

Ooh, I want to thank you for telling me these titles so I can get my life together because Renita weems be out here, y'all. Just get involved. Get involved. When you're going to the independent bookstore to purchase five of Faitth's books, you can just add also to your cart, or if you go to there in person, you can get the grab bag, whatever they have, you can just throw five of Remember Me Now in there, grab you some Renita Weems while you over there. That's a thing. That's a thing we need.

Faitth Brooks:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

Okay. I want to ask you about this because your book is memoir as well as having these elements where it is writing these love letters to us as Black women. You were also bringing us to the table to say, here's my story, here are the questions I've asked, here's here are the things I've experienced.

Did you find yourself having to have ... I guess I have double questions, Faitth. My first question is, how did you decide what of your personal story would go in the book? Because I think for us as writers, there's a lot of choices there of what of my personal life do I want to share? And some things may be hard to write or may be hard to say, but I'm going to do that because I know that it could bring freedom to someone else or it could bring to someone else the feeling that they're not alone. So, how did you decide of all the experiences you had in life, I know that all of them are not included there, but how did you decide the things that you're like, "These are the things I want to pull out of my life and share here?"

Faitth Brooks:

Yeah, it took a lot of time and prayer and reflection. I went really back and forth because I do get personal in the book and I talk about being raped. I went really back and forth about if I was going to even talk about that or not because I understand ... another book that I really love by Roxane Gay is called Hunger. And that book ... I was weeping and I read it a few years ago, it really spoke to me. But I listened to an interview that she had done and she talked about how one thing she wished is that there was certain personal things that maybe she wouldn't have shared so much, if I understand the interview correctly. And that really stuck to the back of my mind and so I decided, "Okay, there are things that I will share, but there's other portions and details that I will not share."

So, there's the openness, but there's also a lot that I am vague about, mostly because I don't want certain elements of my trauma to live on paper forever, for me to have to recount. And so I did decide though to share. My family asked me, really, a lot of times actually, "Are you sure? Are you sure? Why? You have to know your why because this might be difficult."

And I said, "You know what? I'm sure and my why is because I'm not the only one." I am not the only one that has experienced this. I am not the only Black woman that has grown up in traditional faith spaces that has experienced this. And there's oftentimes this sense of shame and embarrassment that women carry for things that are just not their fault. And when I tell you that's probably the biggest thing that I've had to continue to overcome, is shame and not letting shame attach itself to me and mark me, I really felt like it is something that I want to share from myself because I want to see other women get free and I want other women to know that that's possible for them.

And so I wanted to share with openness and I wanted the letters and my story to inspire other people because we've all gone through something and sometimes we have misconceptions of one another. I'm the kind of person that people consider to be the strong friend. And I like to say, check on your strong people. And sometimes that badge of strength, per se, isn't a badge that everybody really wants. It's bestowed upon us. But I don't want to have this badge of strength just to be on my chest. I can't rescue everyone and this book is really about rescuing myself. And I felt like this is a message that other Black women need because we spent so much time trying to rescue everybody else, trying to tend to everyone else, trying to care for everyone else, that we lose ourselves and at some point we get too far gone and we have to come back home to ourselves.

Amena Brown:

Faitth, yes. And that we deserve that.

Faitth Brooks:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

We deserve that. We deserve that kind of tenderness and softness.

Faitth Brooks:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

And I love what you said about how you made the decisions of what you were going to include of your life in this book. Because as Black women, we are in some situations where we are made to feel that we owe everyone our story, we owe everyone our time, we owe everyone this, that, the third, those things. And to come into the writing space with power and to say, "Herein are the choices I make because these are stories that I want to help someone and I want to share these parts. But I also have the power and wisdom to say, and these are parts that belong to me, or these are parts that belong to my personal life or belong to the people in my real life who know me." I think even the ability to give ourselves, as Black women, the reminder that we have that power over our own stories. I love that, Faitth.

Faitth Brooks:

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Amena Brown:

I could just talk to her all day. Okay. Let me ask you about this Faitth. Do you have a favorite Black movie? If you can't just narrow one, I will give a top three. But do you have a favorite black movie that you're like in my lexicon of all the Black movies I love, what's the top?

Faitth Brooks:

That's really hard, but I'm going to go with The Wiz. Just like the music, classic. I have such good memories of watching The Wiz with my family. So, it's up there for me.

Amena Brown:

That's a good choice. That's a good choice. I have know some Black people who The Wiz, it's a holiday movie. It's a thing that, "Oh we watch this at Christmas or we always watch it at Thanksgiving." And then I have some friends who it's just this a year round. You have some people who are like, "I'll leave my Christmas tree up all year round." And some Black people are like, and I watch The Wiz all year round. I don't know what the problem is. You don't have to wait for the holidays. It's a perfect choice because there's a lot of layers. I remember crying, child, about Diana Ross. Especially in the beginning honey, when she was playing Dorothy in the beginning and she didn't know what her life was going to be. She was out there crying. I was like, "Me too, Diana, me too. I don't know what my life's going to be either."

Faitth Brooks:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

There's a lot of layers to that film. You talk in your book about what it means to care for ourselves as Black women. How can we give ourselves the kindness that we deserve, the gentleness we deserve, even if the World, America work, whatever other environments we're in, are not always going to give us that. What are the ways that you treat yourself? What are the ways you give that care back to yourself?

Faitth Brooks:

Yeah, I would say this is an area of my life I'm ever learning and growing in and I probably will be for the rest of my life. I am, in personality, a high achiever and I like to get things done and I'm learning daily how not to attach my worth to my work. And so any day that I choose to not do that to myself, that I choose not to attach the to-do list of what I got done to my worth as a person is a sign of care for myself and love for myself. It might sound really simple, but I think we make care for ourselves really complicated. It's not just getting your nails done and all that other stuff. Those are nice things to do, but it really is about your mindset. Where is your mind positioned? What are you thinking about and what are you thinking about yourself with where your thoughts are also going?

Are you aligned? Is your body aligned with positivity about yourself? Are you centering yourself on thoughts that are going to bring you up and not, "Oh, I'm not good as this person or they're doing better than me, I'm not doing good in this area, I'm struggling with this." Trust me, I, like any other person, struggle with those things. And so that's why I say it's a win when you get to choose yourself and when you say, "You know what, I might not have done everything I wanted to today, or I might not have had the best day. I might have said something I shouldn't have said. But at the end of the day I love myself and every day I'm getting closer and closer to developing a life where I embody peace."

My goal is to embody peace within my life. I want to walk around with my soul full of peace and less anxiousness. And so any day where I get closer to that goal of just embodying peace is a form of self-care for me because that means that I'm loving myself. I heard this one lady say, "The person that I need to be aligned with the most is myself because I'm living with me."

Amena Brown:

Okay.

Faitth Brooks:

I am living with myself and this is the person I need to take care of the most. This is the person I need to be gentle with the most. And so to me, self-care is becoming more and more aligned with who I am as a woman and showing more grace to myself and being able to embody that each day. It's like a daily practice for me.

Amena Brown:

I love that. I love that and I love that when you think about caring for yourself or treating for yourself, that that idea is even broader than the beauty accoutrement. And it's no shade. A girl loves to get her nails done.

Faitth Brooks:

Absolutely.

Amena Brown:

Or loves to buy a little cute outfit, shoe, whatever, loves to get a massage. It's not that we do not also need those things. I love that you equated, though, you could get a massage. You could also decide that the job you're working is not the job that you need to stay with because that's not bringing you peace. Or you could decide you need to have a day where instead of you spending your weekend on taking care of everybody else, you going to give yourself the weekend to just exactly do whatever it is you like. Giving ourselves the idea to say no to some things so we can say yes to the things that matter to us is also how we care for ourselves, to make a priority of our health, our mental health, the ways we can care for ourselves. Those things are also caring for ourselves. I love that you gave us that. That gives us some different examples we can think about.

I want to ask you this then I want you to tell the people where they can get their five copies of Remember Me Now. So, we're going to talk about that. I done said it. I'm trying to get it in y'all's subliminals so y'all can have it in your mind. Just really, when a Black woman drops a book, go on and buy five copies. It's good, it's good. Go on and do that. You going to find somebody to give those to. You got extras to give presents. It's very helpful. So, just five. Five, five, five everyone.

Okay. What do you hope Black women gain from reading your book? When you imagine, because I'm sure you thought about this while you were writing and I'm sure there were some tears writing a book ... When you said writing a book is hard, y'all, Faitth ain't lie. Writing a book is hard and especially when you are digging into your own stories and your own experiences in life. It is a challenge to put that on paper.

So, now that the book is out there, you have written it, this thing you've written is going to end up in the hands of so many Black women all around the country, all around the world. When you close your eyes and imagine a Black woman, wherever she is, she gets to that last couple of pages. You know how when you finish a really good book and you close it, I'm still talking about physical books. I know some of y'all get to the end on Kindle and then it says "Other things by this writer." Y'all know what I mean. You get to the end and you have that moment where you're like, "Man." What are you hoping Black women feel or think receive at that moment, at the end of your book?

Faitth Brooks:

I hope that Black women feel seen and I hope that Black women feel like they have space to heal and also to name themselves. I feel really strongly about this because I feel like oftentimes in our society, Black women are named already. Aggressive, ghetto, just list the name of negative things. And yet there's so many amazing traits. Our fashion, how we show up, our hair, that is emulated, taken, stolen from us and I really want Black women to feel seen and also they can name themselves and heal. That's what I hope people feel. My hope was that people would read the book and close it and feel empowered. And so yeah, that's what I hope happens when people read it. I'm excited for people to read it. It's so nerve-wracking writing a book, but I'm really excited to see how the message resonates with other people.

Amena Brown:

To me, it's like the two best parts of writing a book is when you're actually like, "Hey, I got a publisher. I'm going to write a book." That part's great. And then when the book ends up out there, because it feels like when you're writing, you're just in your room by yourself, whatever space. You're writing. Especially as a stage person, it's like I'm used to, "Oh, I just finished this poem, let me go take it to an open mic. Then I'll be able to see right away, how do people respond?"

Whereas when you're writing a book, you're just like, you feel like you're alone for a while. Just writing, writing, writing things. And then the day comes that now other people are reading that. It's a glorious day because you get to see how people are interacting with it. In some of the ways you expected, in some ways you're like, "Oh, I didn't know people would get that from it. But all right."

So, I love that for you, Faitth, because you put in your time, honey, you put in your time writing this book, honey. So, I love for Black women to get a chance to feel loved on, feel written to, feel thought of. That it is not something that you have to try to pull out the parts that are for you. I think that's just going to be wonderful. So, tell the people how they can follow you and know more about you and what are the ways you recommend that they purchase their five copies. Let me say the title for y'all. Five copies of Remember Me Now: A Journey Back to Myself and a Love Letter to Black women. How can the people do this?

Faitth Brooks:

So, you can get the book wherever books are sold. So even independent bookstores and some people have also talked about can I get it in my local library? Yes, you can. You can ask your local library to order the book if you would like access it to it there. And you can follow me @faitthb. I spell my name with two T's, F-A-I-T-T-H, and the letter B. And you can follow me on TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter. My username is the same in all of those places and my website is faitthbrooks.com. And so if you are like, "You know what? I kind of like what I'm hearing, but I'm not sure." You can go to my website and you can download the introduction and the first chapter and you can just get a little taste, see if you like it and if you do, go ahead, go buy the book, share it with some friends, start a book club. Spread the word.

Amena Brown:

Love it. Faitth, thank you so much. Not only for joining us in our HER living room today, but for bringing your story into so many rooms. There are going to be so many rooms that you may not physically be there with Black women as they're in their living room or maybe riding the train to work. So many places where Black women will be encountering this book. It's also available as an audiobook where you can hear faith read in her voice and so many Black women are going to be spending time with you and your story and it's beautiful that you have given us this love letter to ourselves. That's wonderful. Thank you, my friend, for joining me.

Faitth Brooks:

Thank you for having me.

Amena Brown:

Her with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Senneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 98

Amena Brown:

Hey everybody, welcome back to a new episode of HER with Amena Brown. And at the time that you are listening to this episode, we are already going to be in a new year. So I hope y'all are feeling all of the new year vibes, whether you are taking the opportunity to do all of the things or whether you are taking the opportunity to go slowly. Y'all know I'm always a big fan of a slow movement, a slow entrance into the new year, and we're back with some road stories. So Matt's here. Hey Babe.

Matt:

Happy New Year.

Amena Brown:

Okay, so today we want to tell y'all a couple of cool stories about some free stuff that we got a chance to experience because we were on the road and a pretty amazing birthday that-

Matt:

I've had a couple of them, yeah.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. That Matt had on the road. So first of all, Babe, we were just talking in general about the road and some of the perks that can come along with the road. And you told a story that I didn't even remember. So you said we were in Florida-

Matt:

We were in Orlando, Florida doing an event, I think it was a youth event. I think it was a youth event because I'm pretty sure they had a deal where they were taking people from the event to Universal Studios and they asked us, would you like free passes for the day to go to Universal Studios? This was either before or after, or maybe before and after, who can remember? But it was we hit the stage, did our thing, and I'm pretty sure after that we got to leave and go to Universal Studios.

Amena Brown:

Now see, I don't remember being with you. So a part of me is thinking that they gave us this option in a window of time that was between soundcheck and when we actually had to perform. And I don't remember what exactly we were doing at this event, but I feel like they were like, "Hey, maybe y'all have some free time, y'all could go over there". And I am pretty sure I said no to that because I felt that I needed to get my life together. I don't know what we were doing.

Matt:

That's very possible because if we do a flashback to our honeymoon, our honeymoon we went to Universal Studios.

Amena Brown:

We did. We did.

Matt:

Because we were driving all the way to Florida.

Amena Brown:

I want to give a shout-out to my in-laws, Matt's parents, for giving us entrance to their timeshare people. So just so y'all know where we were budget wise at this time when we got married, we had to pay $50 in order to be able to use Matt's parents timeshare. So they were basically giving us the gift of having a wonderful place to stay for our honeymoon. And all we had to pay was $50 seven days, seven nights. And we are driving down to Orlando, which is not a short drive, it's not too long, but it's not a short drive. We're driving down to Orlando, y'all and just start opening up the cards from the wedding. And that's how we knew we had enough money to go to Universal Studios during our moon.

Matt:

Exactly. And so on the honeymoon, I found out that you had never ridden a roller coaster before.

Amena Brown:

That's true. That's true.

Matt:

So we decided we'd go on a roller coaster. If I remember correctly, it's called the Rock and Roll Roller Coaster or Rock and Roller, something like that, where you got to choose your own music, which I thought was great. One thing, I don't even know if I knew this about you at the time, but my wife loves an option.

Amena Brown:

Boy, boy, I love to customize. Yes.

Matt:

If Amena can pick an option, she loves that. If Amena can't pick an option, she wants to know why. Why can't I?

Amena Brown:

Why not?

Matt:

Wouldn't it be better?

I have the option to say if I want to have an option. I also want to let the record reflect y'all, that I have never been a person who even enjoyed the thought of a rollercoaster. I've had many opportunities where I was at various sundry parks all over the place, went with other kids and was just like, hmm, that doesn't seem like it's for me. But I'm going to tell you, when you first get married and you realize that your person really loves something, you want to try really hard to do that. So this was me. This was me.

So it was our honeymoon. Very first rollercoaster for you. I picked Beastie Boys-

Amena Brown:

Did.

Matt:

Fight For Your Right To Party. What'd you pick?

Amena Brown:

I picked Kanye West, Stronger.

Matt:

Okay. Cool.

Amena Brown:

I know it's hard to say no. Feelings are hurt. Feelings are hurt.

Matt:

We'll bypass that little moment.

Amena Brown:

Feelings are hurt.

Matt:

Sorry. So anyways, we get on that rollercoaster, find out that Amena really hates rollercoasters.

Amena Brown:

Wow. Wow. One of my most embarrassing moments happened on that rollercoaster, y'all. Wow.

Matt:

Has vowed to never ride a rollercoaster again.

Amena Brown:

First and last rollercoaster that day. Literally the rest of our honeymoon, I was like, Babe, ride as many rides as you want to ride. I will be waiting at the bottom, reading my Kindle until you come back.

Matt:

Which is a picture into our relationship.

Amena Brown:

Yes, that's true.

Matt:

Both working and marriage.

Amena Brown:

Yes. Accurate. Accurate.

Matt:

So anyways, flash forward to this event. It very well may have been that you didn't go with me. I just know that I left the state. I was thinking, how cool is this? I was just on my turntables, rocking beats in front of all these people. And now here I am in line to get on a rollercoaster. This is an awesome day. And I do remember that it was something they had with the Transformers. I don't know if one of the Transformer movies had just come out or something along that line. So they had a dude in a massive transformer costume, turned into the truck and then next thing you know, he's up and walking around and talking. And I was like, how cool is that? And then I happened to walk around the corner and saw the dude with the head off of the costume and I was like, whoa, I think I got a picture of that somewhere or a video. I'm going to have to check my phone.

Amena Brown:

Okay, we need to find that.

Matt:

So anyways, so yeah.

Amena Brown:

That was your day.

Matt:

That was-

Amena Brown:

So you got to do that, y'all. We were talking through some of our most fun free stuff and when Matt brought this up and I was like, I'm pretty sure we didn't go because I would've remembered going back to Universal Studios with you. So I'm just laughing at whoever was like, yeah, come on. And Matt got on the van and rode over there. Wow. Love to see it. I'm glad you enjoyed it Babe, because it's hard for free things to come across the table and neither one of us get to enjoy it. So I'm glad you got to do that.

Matt:

That's one of the things about road life that is much different when you're working in your own city, just going to events. Road life was you would be in a green room and somebody would walk up to you and be like, "Hey, do you want to", insert blank? Whether there was a certain event that had this really cool company that made these watches. Remember? And you're like, "Do you want one of these watches"? And you're like, "Sure. I want one of these love watches".

Amena Brown:

Love a watch. Yeah. Watches are great.

Matt:

I remember us being at an event, it was a health event and I had just been looking into this new thing called a Fitbit.

Amena Brown:

Yes, that's right.

Matt:

Those are so cool. And they're like, "Hey, would you like a Fitbit"? And we were like, "Of course we would like". And they just gave you one. And I remember that day wearing it thinking I got a billion steps and I looked down, it was like 200 steps or something. I was like, "No way".

Amena Brown:

Y'all have never seen two people marching in the hotel that night trying to be like, "Why doesn't it, I thought I got so many steps", like marching, trying to make up for the steps. Wow, I forgot about that. What a time. That was a great free thing. I want to also shout out that event because I was there to do one poem. They had commissioned me to do a poem according to the theme of something they were doing at the event. And right after I did my poem, Michael J. Fox was the keynote speaker. And shout out to my GenX people listening to this podcast because I didn't speak to Michael J. Fox, he didn't speak to me. But boy, did Matt and I just stare and stare and stare at him. It was like big, "Oh my gosh". Our little kids. I know that Michael J. Fox has done more with his life than be on Family Ties and star in Back to the Future. However, that's what was most important at the moment. Just seeing him in person and being like, "Oh my gosh".

Matt:

I am standing behind Teen Wolf. I could reach out and touch his head, but I didn't.

Amena Brown:

Wow. I also really wanted to add to my resume at that point that I opened from Michael J. Fox, you know what I'm saying? It was like a Michael J. Fox concert. Basically I was the opening act, has shared stages with Michael J. Fox is the actual fact, because we did kind of share the stage.

Matt:

Now one time I do remember thinking that we were going to get something in a green room was some sunglasses of some sort.

Amena Brown:

Oh, yikes. Yikes. Yikes.

Matt:

And we're like, "Oh cool". So we went up to the table and picked out these sunglasses and they were like, "Yeah, the price will be..."- And we were like, "What"?

Amena Brown:

It was very expensive. I remember being very expensive. And I remember it was one of those companies where it's like every purchase you make is like a donation in some way to some underserved or underprivileged community. And so at that point you thought you were going to get free sunglasses, now you're not. But now you feel bad to be like, "Oh no, I don't want those people to be able to have eye exams". So we were stuck and had to buy those.

Matt:

Cool, cool, cool. Yeah. Let's put this on the... Which card are we going to put this?

Amena Brown:

Yikes. One of my favorite free things, and I still miss this one because we have not... There's some cities we've returned to, one of us or both of us have returned to, post our church traveling that we used to do. And so we've got a chance to go back and experience some of those cities. But Portland is a city that neither of us have been back to because we have not been booked there now that neither of us are really doing things in church market or Christian event type world. But I'm going to tell y'all something right now, the free passes that we received to the Adidas employee store, I mean, dare I say, is it life changing? I really want to say it's definitely wardrobe changing. Because we both received some shoes. The shoes you can get up in there, some of them you can't find anywhere anymore. So people would-

Matt:

And definitely not for the price you got them for.

Amena Brown:

Okay, we need to talk to y'all about this. First of all, Adidas is headquartered in Portland, as well as Nike though.

Matt:

Nike also. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

And we are both big Adidas fans. I do, since we're talking about road stories, I do want to bring up that I was wearing shelltoes at an event around the time that we would go back and forth to Portland and a lady walked up and she was like, "Oh look at you wearing those shoes. My 12-year-old daughter loves those kind of shoes", and I'm pretty sure that I barked back at her. "These are hip hop shoes. These are called shelltoes because run DMC wore them in the eighties, that's why I'm wearing them". I'm pretty sure I did that. That was probably a sign that my time in Christian market needed to be over.

'Cause I was like, I'm not wearing these because your little girl, your little teenage girl thinks they're cute. These aren't shoes you found in the Limited Too, in the mall. Okay. I'm wearing these shoes because my-

Matt:

A-a-dida.

Amena Brown:

Period. What you mean? Y'all can see it's still making me mad. Okay. Anyways, so we didn't know this until we got to Portland. Well no, that's not true because I think I put up a little post or something on Facebook or Twitter back then and told people we were going to Portland for the first time. We'd never been and asked them what should we eat? What should we do?

Matt:

I think you are right.

Amena Brown:

And so of course people posted up there different restaurants and stuff and any of you that are listening that live in Portland, know that Portland obviously is very well known for food trucks and stuff. So people were telling us different places to go and then they were like, y'all have to go... They knew us. So they were like, y'all have to go to the Adidas employee store and y'all have to actually go to the Adidas headquarters because there is a big shelltoes there. Big, larger than life, larger than you shelltoe, where you could take pictures. But here's the thing, you need a pass to get into the employee store if you are not what? An employee. So an employee has to put your name. I mean, this is how it was back then. So don't quote me now because I don't know what the security measures are now. But back then, an employee had to put your name on a list and if they put your name on the list, it meant whatever that day was, anytime that day that the store was open, you could go in there.

So I think the first time we went to Portland, we were trying to finagle it. We were trying to see if somebody could hook us up and we never to get the hookup. But let me tell y'all something. Shout out to being married to an extrovert. Okay. Because we went to an Adidas outlet store shortly before we were about to get on our flight. I think our flight was later, almost in the evening. And the event or whatever we'd done was done in the morning. So we had checked out of our hotel, we had all this time to kill. So Matt's like, "We couldn't find a pass, let's just go to the outlet store". So we went to the outlet store and Matt found a couple of cool things there and I don't know where I went. I don't know if I went to the bathroom, whatever. But I know you started talking to the employee. Do you remember doing this?

Matt:

I do. And I remember that I just so happened to have on some prior pair of shelltoes and a full Adidas tracksuit, which is just regular daily wear for me. I've looked back at, just because Halloween just passed not long ago. All the pictures of me from any Halloween party I have DJ'd, have always been me in an Adidas tracksuit with some sort of mask on. So one year I'm a Jabberwocky.

Amena Brown:

A Jabberwocky B-boy.

Matt:

One year I'm werewolf B-boy.

Amena Brown:

A werewolf B-boy.

Matt:

Some mask, I don't even know what it is, B boy. So my goal is by the time I'm an old man, to have nothing but tracksuits-

Amena Brown:

I support that-

Matt:

In my closet and I've got a nice little collection going on and specifically mostly of Adidas. So I was in a aisle, and so I was like, "You know what, let me just"... They would talk about my tracksuit and oh yeah, I pretty much wear nothing but Adidas a lot of times. And they were like, "Well, you know about the employee store"? And I'm my mind, I'm like, "I do know about the employee store, what you know about the employee store"? And yeah, just one thing led to another and they're like, "Man, we got to put you on the list". So I remember they picked up the phone and dialed and said, "Hey, Matthew Owen plus one". I was like, "Yo".

Amena Brown:

Wow. I'm pretty sure I went to the bathroom because I'm pretty sure I came back from the bathroom thinking like, oh okay, he bought his purchases. I guess we'll find somewhere to eat or whatever. And you were like, "We just got into the Adidas employee store. We have to go over there right now".

Matt:

We had to move quick.

Amena Brown:

We had two or three hours probably before we had to go to the airport.

Matt:

Yep.

Amena Brown:

Y'all, okay. Now, when you get to the employee store, the items in the employee store, don't quote us what it's doing now, because we don't know.

Matt:

I don't know.

Amena Brown:

But back then the employee store, the items were 50% off of everything. Everything, y'all. Everything. So did we go into the employee store and go absolutely wild in the store? Well yes, we did. I don't know, I don't know if y'all watched supermarket sweep growing up, was that us in the employee store? Because it is almost like you're not stealing because you know that everything you're getting, you're going to pay for it. But you feel like this is a rare experience.

Matt:

It is my obligation. This is not an opportunity that's given to everyone. I am here, this is my obligation. I'm doing this for the culture.

Amena Brown:

I'm going to tell y'all right now that I came home with some red suede-

Matt:

Oh still upset.

Amena Brown:

Shelltoes-

Matt:

Still upset.

Amena Brown:

That cost like $35.

Matt:

And remember we had to buy an Adidas gym bag that day just to be able to fit... It was a good size gym bag just to be able to fit the stuff that we bought from the Adidas store.

Amena Brown:

We bought so much stuff.

Matt:

And had to carry the gym bag onto the plane.

Amena Brown:

Because I was like, surely I'm not going to check this bag with all this new Adidas stuff in here with the tags on it. Surely I'm not going to do that. I'm about to carry this bag on so I can see it and know where it is at all times. Wow. Wow, y'all. What a time.

Matt:

Let me tell you something else I do remember about this flight. On this flight I got food poisoning.

Amena Brown:

Oh my gosh. That was that same flight.

Matt:

Same flight. I will spare you the details, but there's a few places in life you don't want to find out you have food poisoning.

Amena Brown:

Oh yikes.

Matt:

And that is way up in the sky in the airplane. If I remember correctly, I was sitting in the middle seat.

Amena Brown:

I think you were sitting in the middle lane.

Matt:

The person next to me fell asleep 'cause it was a night flight.

Amena Brown:

Ooh. It was. It wasn't like a red eye. Why did we do that?

Matt:

So having to carefully climb over the lap of the person sitting next to me-

Amena Brown:

Multiple times.

Matt:

Yes. While you about to lose yourself in the music, the moment, you own it. Got to let it go.

Amena Brown:

You only get one shot.

Matt:

I think I took a couple shots.

Amena Brown:

You did. And then the hard part about having food poisoning on a flight is there are regulations as to when you are allowed to be up going to the bathroom. So that period of time where the plane is about to ascend, you're not supposed to be walking around during that time. But if you have food poisoning, you can't tell your stomach that.

Matt:

We have definitely been on a flight where it wasn't one of us, but we have definitely been on a flight where someone was in the bathroom and the plane couldn't land because somebody was having some, I'm guessing tummy troubles.

Amena Brown:

I mean one time-

Matt:

They were out there and they had to make the announcement. "Sorry folks, we're going to have to circle the landing before"-

Amena Brown:

One time I know it was me. There's at least one flight we were on that I remember the flight attendant knocking on the door to the bathroom, like "Ma'am, you have got to come out of here".

Matt:

So on this particular flight, this is where we came up with the rule to not eat fish from the airport.

Amena Brown:

That's it.

Matt:

That happened on that trip.

Amena Brown:

That's it, right there.

Matt:

When in the airport, do not order the fish.

Amena Brown:

See, I'm glad you brought this up Babe, because we've talked previously on these road stories episodes about how a writer, how an artist writer ends up sounding like it does. So when people book you and especially when you're getting booked for things in church world, people really despise the idea of a writer. But in regular, you got booked for some event they're looking to see your tech writer, which is all of your sound equipment and different all of the connections you need, audio, video wise. And then the rest of your writer could be a food writer because you have dietary restrictions. It could be a writer regarding what you need as far as your backstage expectations, all these things. All these things are very standard in the entertainment industry. But when you are an entertainer or an artist now going into a church setting, your writer is despised because it's basically like you are not focused on.

Matt:

But why do you say you need heat and air? If it's cold, why do you need a heated space to be in? You're only about to get up and speak or do poetry. Why would your vocal cords need any form of warmth?

Amena Brown:

Who cares about you get pneumonia.

Matt:

We got you outside in the wintertime.

Amena Brown:

Who cares? We're here with the Lord.

Matt:

You're going to leave here and it's not our problem.

Amena Brown:

So this flight moment was a moment of an internal writer. There's some things that we put on the writer that the people who would book us would know these are the expectations, but there were also things that we had internally. And that moment right there, I'm going to tell y'all, even though it sounds so wild, sometimes you will go to a very nice airport that might have a very well-known sushi restaurant inside of it. But we have said in our internal writer, we don't do that, okay. We're not doing fish, whether it's cooked, fried, raw, we're just not.

Matt:

No more fish in the airport.

Amena Brown:

No, I forgot about that, Babe. I forgot about that.

Matt:

Okay, come to Portland.

Amena Brown:

If you're going to eat fish, just eat it while you're in Portland is what we're trying to tell y'all.

Matt:

One of those food trucks. Amazing.

Amena Brown:

Go to a food hall.

Matt:

Food trucks eat, incredible.

Amena Brown:

Fantastic. Restaurants great. Do not do that in the airport, anywhere.

Matt:

Anywhere.

Amena Brown:

I don't care.

Matt:

No way.

Amena Brown:

I don't care.

Matt:

It's done. That's a life lesson.

Amena Brown:

My other favorite, this is not a free thing, but I guess ended up being a free thing. But I don't think it was necessarily a perk because of the gig that we were at. But y'all, I love to celebrate my husband and I love birthdays in general. People that I love, I love a birthday. So Matt is my favorite person in the entire universe. So when his birthday comes up, I'm like, everything stops. So one particular year, it was the same year that Alabama Shakes released their album Sound and Color, which if you have not listened to the album, I want you to stop right now and go save it on whatever place you listen to your music. The whole album.

Matt:

That album for me for a long time was my, after the gig, you get on the plane, you've already done whatever you were holding space for what you had to do and trying to keep in mind, so when this transition, when that thing happens, when the, but the unwind, you get on the plane, put your headphones on and go, phew. That blooooom, when those chords come in at the front of the album, oh I just feel like, oh just let it go. Whatever happened, whatever didn't happen, whatever you got right, whatever you got wrong, whatever applause you received, whatever applause you did not receive, just let it all go sink into this chair and just let the pilot get you wherever you are. And do not order the fish.

Amena Brown:

And do not order the fish please. That's a big portion of it. So my husband, y'all, he loved this album so much that I was trying to figure out how we could go see Alabama Shakes when they went on tour after the album released. So this is another trouble of being on the road as much as we were then because you were just taking gigs. For a while, we were just taking gigs as we could get them because there's always a period of the year that's going to be slow or that's going to slow way down. But you don't always know when it's coming. Especially in the type of work that we did. There was some summers we had that was our really slow time. There was some years that came that January and February were just slow as can be.

It's going to come but you don't know when. So for many years that meant we didn't feel we could be really discriminating with the gigs that we took. We really had to be like, oh shoot, that one fell on his mom's birthday or fell on my mom's birthday. So that meant you're not at your nine to five job where you can get off at five and say, oh let me just swing by my mom's birthday dinner. You are in Kentucky or wherever we were. So we would have to work around some of those types of celebrations of people that we love. So when I'm looking, trying to see, okay, when are they going to come to Atlanta? The day they were coming to Atlanta was some day that we were already booked out of town. So I was like dang, we're not going to be in Atlanta.

I just happened to look to see where were they going to be on Matt's birthday and they were going to be in Columbus, Ohio. And I was like, okay, now how can I figure this out? So then I'm looking at all the dates we have around and y'all, a gig happened to come in for a festival, is a Christian festival in Mount Vernon, Ohio. And it was maybe three days before Matt's birthday. And I was like, okay, number one, I definitely want us to take this gig because that would get me, instead of us having to figure out how to drive or fly or whatever to Columbus, if we're already in Ohio, this is great. So we took the gig and I think the gig was Matt DJing part of the opening of the festival. And then we had a period of time that we were going to be on stage together.

And this was very similar to what a lot of Christian music festivals were like, it's full of Christian bands and some DJing, some hip hop acts. And so we also got booked in the performance we were doing that was spoken word and DJing. Right. Okay. So first of all y'all, the ways that I am having to tell... I'm not telling lies to my husband, but I'm needing to tell some half truths regarding what we're doing. So I'm telling him, "Hey I know we have this gig in Mount Vernon, I think we should stay over for a couple of nights and experience Columbus". And he's looking at me like, "Okay, I don't know what there is to experience in Columbus", but this is the plus to having a very laid back husband because if this were him planning this for me, then I would've been like-

Matt:

Oh my gosh.

Amena Brown:

But why would we stop in Columbus? Because is there really something to see there? I don't really think-

Matt:

So many questions.

Amena Brown:

That was a city that you see things. I would've asked a thousand questions.

Matt:

My wife loves a surprise, but the process of surprising my wife, she does not love. It's complicated.

Amena Brown:

That's unfortunate that I love surprises but I want the surprise to make sense. And typically if you're surprising someone you are having to do things that don't make sense. I'm going to try to practice it Babe, because you did a really good job. When I said this to you then you were just like, "Huh, okay. Yeah sure. If you think that's a good, yeah I bet I got some stuff I could work on or whatever that we could work on it while we're there. Sure. Yeah. I've never been to Columbus". He might have thought that was a terrible idea but you just went along with it. Okay, so let us begin with the gig.

Matt:

Okay.

Amena Brown:

So I want to be Matt's manager so bad. That's a terrible idea and I most likely never do it because I am too emotional about him to really be his manager. But when he has a gig that is not the two of us and it's just him doing a performance for 20 minutes to an hour, I am his ruthless manager. So we get to this festival and I want y'all to know Matt is still DJing on actual turntables. I know everybody isn't and I have opportunities to throw shade and I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it right here. But Matt is still DJing on turntables. The room we're recording right now, we're literally staring at his turntables.

Matt:

Side note. I bought these turntables I think around 2000. I bought one of them in 2000 and one of them in 2001. I'm now at a place where I'll be working at a venue and somebody's like, "Oh cool, look at those vintage turntables". They'd be like, "When did you get them"? And I'll tell them and they're like, "Oh I was born in 2003".

Amena Brown:

Yikes. Please hush your mouth please.

Matt:

Anyways, back to your story please.

Amena Brown:

Please y'all. Yikes. Okay. So they had Matt set up to be the first act on. He was going to DJ, I think you were supposed to DJ the first hour or so.

Matt:

I think something happened before me.

Amena Brown:

Oh did it? Okay.

Matt:

I do think so because I think what you're about to say is that the sound guys were like, "It's our break". And they left me out there in front of this festival crowd with no sound support whatsoever. And so I think something was happening before me and I think I fell in what would've been their lunch hour if I remember correctly. Because they were, I can't remember if it was union or because sometimes you go into a city and there have been gigs that we found out, "Oh they've booked me to be here with Amena for this thing and want me to do these things. However, it's union. And so in order to have you DJing, it's going to cost this event this exorbitant amount of money for someone to be able to stay with you, and-

Amena Brown:

Because if it's a union, if the sound crew is union, there's a lot of restrictions as to how many hours they can work continuously versus the amount of breaks that they need to have. Because this has happened to us, I remember in some downtown Chicago venues and stuff like that where they'll be like the union has told us we have-

Matt:

This building is a union building.

Amena Brown:

We have these breaks, we work this long. So for your average conference, during what would be their breaks, is the time that you might have planned to have a DJ up spinning while people are walking into the room. But according to union regulations, they cannot be there running sound at that time. They're supposed to be on break unless you're willing to pay what for a lot of these organizations were exorbitant amounts of money. Now in this event setting, we were not dealing with a union crew, but we were dealing with an overworked sound crew that had not had breakfast. This lunch was like the first meal they were going to be eating that day.

Matt:

And sound techs at events are interesting personalities. They're usually not happy to be there.

Amena Brown:

No.

Matt:

They're not usually not happy to see you.

Amena Brown:

No, they have not been told. They haven't even been told about you.

Matt:

Typically they're very unimpressed.

Amena Brown:

It's true though.

Matt:

Oh, you can't take it personal.

Amena Brown:

It's true.

Matt:

I've always tried my best to go out of my way to learn their names, to talk, to show them respect. Like "Man, thank you so much. Thank you for making sound". Because it is a team effort. Nobody does something by themselves. And I'm sure that they have stories of people who have walked in, the different personalities that come in as an artist that are, there's personalities out there, and so we've just always made it our goal to make sure we see someone, we say hello, talk to them, what's your name? Do our best to show them some kindness and just some human warmth.

Amena Brown:

You give some extra please, and some extra thank you. Like Matt and I both are southern born and raised, and I don't care where we travel to. We going to give the people that southern hospitality. And when you talking to somebody that's running sound, it could go a lot better for you being kind and respectful and gracious to them. However, this situation didn't matter how gracious we were. Those people were like... Matt gets there, gets all set up. And the interesting part about when Matt's DJing that people don't always think about when they're setting his sound up is he needs to be able to hear himself, what he's spinning. So they didn't have a monitor. And I think you also didn't have control over how loud it could be. They had left it at a level. And so people are walking up to Matt and people talk to DJs crazy. I don't know if y'all knew that, but they talk to DJs real crazy. So they're walking up to Matt. Man it sounds good, but we can't hear it. Can you cut it up?

Matt:

We can't hear it way back, across the field.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. So Matt's turning what would normally be his controls of the volume, but he can't do that because of the way the sound is. So I try to become his manager and I'm like, "Where are the sound people? How could they set him up and just walk away? What are the vibes"?

Matt:

They left me with a festival.

Amena Brown:

It's an audience out here. What are we doing? And this is another fascinating thing because this was being run by college students.

Matt:

Once again, we have such a young team. Isn't it cool?

Amena Brown:

So sometimes you'd see a student and you'd be like, "Hey, where did the sound people go because he needs to be able to turn, we need more volume. He needs his monitors". And they'd be like, "Oh, I'll go find out". They would go and be gone for 20 minutes. So you're like, "Okay, wherever they are, it didn't take that long". So I finally was like, I'm going to be his manager for 20 minutes. I go to wherever they're like, I think they might be eating. So I go there and basically the sound crew was respectfully or disrespectfully like, "We are not leaving here until we all eat food. So whatever's happening, we'll know nothing about it until we finish eating this food". And on the one hand you're like, now that I know about events, I'm assuming these are people that were here setting up things at five in the morning and probably now is two. And-

Matt:

They're through.

Amena Brown:

This their first time eating and probably not really receiving much gratitude for what they've been doing all day. So I'm like, I can feel it now. But just as a wife-ager, as a wife-ager, I was not feeling it. So then I had to run back over to Matt and tell him is what it is, Babe. These people are not coming back. I think they finally made it back in your last 10 minutes.

Matt:

Maybe. But it's that thing. You get out there and you're like, all right, we about to figure it out. We about to find out whether and we're going to find out what type of crowd this is.

Amena Brown:

That part.

Matt:

Whether they going to rock with you or you about to be background music, which I'm fine either way. Just let me know. If you want a party, oh I'm the guy for you. But if you just want this to be background, I gained nothing from forcing a party that didn't want to be a party. So you find out what the crowd's going to be. You find out who you working with, and you get out there and you figure out and you just try to do what you can. But either way you don't order the fish in the airport.

Amena Brown:

Do not order the fish in the airport and do not talk crazy to anybody running sound.

Matt:

Nope.

Amena Brown:

Even if the sound is not going well, still don't talk crazy to them is what we just want to tell you. Okay. So mind y'all, we are like three days ahead of Matt's birthday and while Matt's DJing, by the time I calm my blood pressure down from realizing there's nothing I can do to get this sound situation fixed, I have already purchased the tickets for this Alabama Shakes concert. And I can't remember if I was talking to somebody, I think I was telling someone this that handled some of our booking stuff at the time. And I had told them like, yeah, we're going to stay on after that gig. We're going to stay in Ohio 'cause I'm surprising Matt with these tickets. And they were like, "Oh, I actually know somebody that's working with Alabama Shakes right now".

So there was a young lady who used to work for the company that was booking us at the time and she was now working with Alabama Shakes and they were like, "I don't know if she can do anything, but it might be worth hitting her up just to see if there's a way that maybe y'all could upgrade your tickets to get like VIP tickets or something". So all this time, I'm keeping all of this from Matt. I'm writing back and forth because I'm like, I don't know this is going to happen. I write to her. And of course she was always wonderful. So she was like, "Oh my gosh, it'll be so wonderful to see y'all". And she was like, "I don't know for sure". And she was like, "I probably won't know until that day. Is that okay"? And I was like, "Everything's okay. Anything you can do"-

Matt:

This is how we live our life.

Amena Brown:

We're happy to have it. So Matt and I did the festival, stayed there that night, drove into Columbus the next day. I think we had a work day or two in the hotel. Back when you were doing road life, you also have a lot of follow-up stuff that you might have to do after a gig. You might have reimbursements you've got to send back, you've got some other, sometimes we would film things for social media or whatever. So you might spend the day doing that and then you have another gig that's coming up. So you might have some contracts to sign. So I think we got a hotel, worked in the hotel for a day or two. And then when it got to be Matt's birthday, we went to a food hall. We ate Jeni's Ice Cream for the first time while we were there. Had some really great food. And I'm totally writing back and forth to this young lady about these possibilities.

Matt:

Think I had an Elk burger. I've never had Elk ever, except for that day. And I was like, that sounds exotic.

Amena Brown:

You did. The food was amazing.

Matt:

Yeah, it was really good.

Amena Brown:

I can't remember if I had pho. I think I might have had pho for the first time.

Matt:

I think you might be right.

Amena Brown:

While we were there.

Matt:

I'm pretty sure I was still calling it fo.

Amena Brown:

But bless our hearts, we learned wrong.

Matt:

I didn't know.

Amena Brown:

So I think I finally told you at some point that day on your birthday that this was all the ruse, that we really did not just need to come to Columbus to hang out, but that we were actually going to go see Alabama Shakes, which I remember you were very excited, but I don't think we found out until a couple of hours before that we were actually going to get to meet them.

Matt:

That's right.

Amena Brown:

Because they had a meet and greet before the show. So this is one of Matt's birthdays that I was like, man does God like you more than me? Because this is a really cool moment. So y'all, imagine that we're going to the backstage, all of this is pre-Covid time. So you just go backstage and people were taking pictures with Britney Howard, the lead singer of Alabama Shakes and her and the rest of the band, taking pictures of everybody. And I think at first we were like we needed to be the last people, I think, because we were the late add to the meet and greet.

Matt:

I think so, 'cause it seems like we were there by ourselves off to the side of the-

Amena Brown:

Yeah. So we were watching everybody go and then the young lady who had got us the hookup into this room, she was like, "Okay, it looks like there's going to be enough time. Come on, come on". So she takes us over closer to the band and she turns to Britney Howard and says, "Hey, these are my friends". She's like, "This is Amena, this is Matt and it's Matt's birthday today. Is it okay if they take some pictures with you"? First of all, Britney Howard is backstage, smoking a cigarette in a way that made me want to smoke a cigarette. I literally have never smoked a cigarette, but just watching Britney Howard smoke made me want to be like, man, maybe I should light up too, man. I see why they wanted to outlaw these commercials, 'cause-

Matt:

They just look cool and if it make you sing like that.

Amena Brown:

Oh my gosh. So y'all, Brittany looks at Matt, tosses her head back to the band and she says, "Hey guys, it's Matt's birthday", and all of Alabama Shakes turn to him and said, "Happy birthday, Matt". Took a picture with him and everything. That was the best. That was one of the best add-on trips we ever took.

Matt:

That was a good one.

Amena Brown:

It rained.

Matt:

Oh yeah.

Amena Brown:

You remember it rained?

Matt:

We still got pictures somewhere of us in these rain jackets.

Amena Brown:

Yes. Our little ponchos.

Matt:

Standing out, listening to the most amazing concert. Oh, it was so worth it.

Amena Brown:

It was glorious. Britney came out and just took up all her space in the most amazing way. Her vocal just, she's so young and she was really young then. And to hear this vocal that just sounds like gravel and whiskey and cigarettes-

Matt:

That was great.

Amena Brown:

It just sounds like 68 years of life in her voice. Like oh, that was a really great free freebie. The concert wasn't free, but to get into that VIP and for you to get pictures with them on your birthday, that was pretty cool Babe.

Matt:

Thanks Babe.

Amena Brown:

I love talking about road stories with you. This is lots of fun and there's more to come. So to tune back in next week, week after that, who knows? We going to pop back up in here with more road stories to tell y'all.

Matt:

Don't eat the fish at airport.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, don't eat the fish at the airport. See y'all later.

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 97

Amena Owen:

Hey everybody. Welcome back to... oh my gosh, this is the last episode of the year. This is our final episode of 2022, and y'all know I could not end the year without bringing back my friend, and a friend of the podcast, playwright, theater critic, journalist, Kelundra Smith is in the living room with us, y'all. Y'all. Listen. Okay. I invited Kelundra the first time because I just think that you're brilliant and we love talking TV and art and stage things together. And then the second year, because this is our third year now, I think.

Kelundra Smith:

Yes.

Amena Owen:

Right? Okay. So the second year I was like, that was fun. I'm going to ask Kelundra again. And I really hadn't decided what I was doing towards the end of the year this year, and then Desus and Mero...

Kelundra Smith:

Ugh.

Amena Owen:

... had happened and Kelundra and I were tweeting to one another because I was like... I was probably finna ask Kelundra anyways, but now we have to come together during these difficult cultural times. So I want to open up the episode right here. We're going to be talking about some of the best, maybe worst, but mostly best TV things from 2022. But I got to begin with an ode to Desus and Mero, because how are you faring with the way things ended?

Kelundra Smith:

I'm not faring well at all. I'm not okay. I just want to be vulnerable and share that I'm not okay because I just don't know, A, they made us have to get through an election cycle without Desus and Mero, which just feels disrespectful.

Amena Owen:

It do. It do.

Kelundra Smith:

And then it's like, who is going to actively take down Hotep Twitter and Instagram now? You know what I mean? It feels like...

Amena Owen:

Not to be really inappropriate in our conversation Kelundra, but also who is going to inappropriately mention anal sex as many times in a television show as Mero did?

Kelundra Smith:

Sucio Boys.

Amena Owen:

Wow.

Kelundra Smith:

But let me tell you how a show has had such a vast cultural impact. I saw people of all ages, races, you name it, coming up with conspiracy theories as to what may have happened that made Desus and Mero go away.

Amena Owen:

I ain't going to lie, they sent me down a Reddit thread, because I was trying to figure out, on a money level, I was trying to figure out how y'all mess up y'all money like this. Because if two friends, say if they was Amena and Kelundra late night show, on the very basis that me and you getting money, and if you're getting Showtime money, you're getting better money than a lot of other money situations. Even if we don't rock, I feel like we need to sit down and have a meeting and be like, How long we going to act like we rock?

Kelundra Smith:

Right?

Amena Owen:

So we can get this money.

Kelundra Smith:

How you fake the funk with you forever.

Amena Owen:

I don't understand that. I don't get it. I was like, something's got to be bad, bad for y'all to ruin y'all's bags over this.

Kelundra Smith:

See we're now conspiracy theory because this is what happened. It also sent me to following producers on Twitter and I can to try and figure out what happened.

Amena Owen:

Shout out to Josh in heaven. Okay, I'm out here too. I'm out here too. Maybe they're going to say something.

Kelundra Smith:

I was like Julia, what's going on?

Amena Owen:

Will you actually explain this? Explain it.

Kelundra Smith:

So I was like, is it that there's something personal between them or is it the network? Was the network putting pressure on them to reformat the show in a certain way, and that didn't feel true to them, and so they had creative differences? They've left us with so many unanswered questions. I guess I'm going to have to just find a chop cheese to comfort myself. I don't know.

Amena Owen:

And the way it left us so abruptly, I still can't get over that. I'm like, whatever beef happened, it wasn't like we was at the end of a season. Was it the end of a season, Kelundra? And it just feel like it wasn't?

Kelundra Smith:

Felt like they were about to go on a break, but not the end of a season. And then they were basically, we ain't coming back from break. This is going to be the last episode. And I was like, Did the Rihanna baby shower do it? I just don't know.

Amena Owen:

What are the vibes like? I'm sorry for those of y'all that are like, What is y'all talking about? Desus and Mero is a late night show. And listen, if you have never watched Desus and Mero just go on go back, I know it's going to hurt your feelings when you get to the end and you realize they ain't no more, but go on and go back and watch this, because Desus and Mero have had their podcast together, The Bodega Boys, which parlayed into a deal with Vice. Where they were initially a show on Vice and then this late night show on Showtime, which some seasons was once a week and then some seasons, it was twice a week. I wish it would've been every day, to be honest. It was one of the most unique late night show formats, number one. And number two, we know that late night historically has just been very white. So to have these two men of color here giving their very New York perspective. It was such a unique thing, the segments. I feel emotional.

Kelundra Smith:

And they had a New York Times bestselling book called God Level Knowledge Darts.

Amena Owen:

Got a copy.

Kelundra Smith:

Because the whole thing is that they met as teenagers, growing up in the Bronx. Desus Is the child of Jamaican immigrants. Mero is the child of Dominican immigrants. They meet in high school. Years later, they are reunited. They start doing these riffs and commentary about life and culture in the Bronx. But then what happens is that they so brilliantly made the Bronx a microcosm of America. And where we really get the excellence of Desus and Mero, to me, was in the pandemic.

Amena Owen:

Yes.

Kelundra Smith:

When they had the little ticker tape that would go across the beginning of every episode with commentary about what was going on. It is worth your while to go back and just read the little ticker tape that they did across those Zoom episodes because somebody was writing comedic brilliance. Also, they did their own verses as if it was like Beethoven versus Mozart. And that was like utter and complete foolishness that was so delightful. And then on top of that, Ziwe, who has this show on Showtime as well was a writer on Desus and Mero. So I'm like, how did this happen? I'm still clearly distressed. I'm distressed.

Amena Owen:

Very much. It feels like a gap. It was always a gap in my life when they would be like, we're going on a break, or it would be like, Oh, the season's over, and I would really be disappointed. And then the one season when they went from two episodes a week down to one, I was like, What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do that other night? It's a whole week of stuff going by. I'm a miss out on that. I appreciated about the show, the characters that were very much Bronx centric, the one man that would always say, "Take it ease."

Kelundra Smith:

Oh yes. Yes. What was his name?

Amena Owen:

Why can't I remember his name right now? Oh my gosh.

Kelundra Smith:

Was it Joey? I feel like it was Joey or something.

Amena Owen:

Oh my gosh. And then this anchor man-

Kelundra Smith:

No, it was Good Time Tommy or Big Time Tommy.

Amena Owen:

Yes. That's it. It was Tommy. He would be on there doing, "We do it old school." Oh my gosh. Just that, this anchorman that they were just so obsessed with.

Kelundra Smith:

Maurice Dubois.

Amena Owen:

Maurice Dubois on the news. I don't even watch the news in the Bronx. And I'm just shout out to Maurice. The interview that they did with David Letterman and the way that I was like... There's a few moments that happen in your life that I'm like, if that happens to you and nothing else happens to you, you're all right. You're good. As two late night hosts, David Letterman looking at them and being like, This is the future right here. This is the future. This is what late supposed to be. David Letterman. David Letterman. I would have been like, You really can't tell me anything about my life. David Letterman basically looked at us and told us we're geniuses. The interview they did with Barack Obama. Well, President Barack Obama, still to this day is one of the most wild things. AOC, that interview when AOC came around the corner talking about "urrr" I was like, Oh my God.

Kelundra Smith:

And then made them drinks at the bar she used to work at. And it was just like, what is happening here? And that is truly the essence of that show. It was like they would go find the wildest stuff that nobody else was talking about, or they would get on the streets and they would talk to the people and get the real perspective about what was happening. And that's the thing. No one else is truly centering working class people of color in anything.

Amena Owen:

Yes.

Kelundra Smith:

And that's what they did. And they didn't talk down to their audience. They were like, No, these are people who have real opinions, what they feel and think matters. This is America, and then we're losing Trevor Noah on the Daily Show. So it's just the white out. I don't know.

Amena Owen:

What are we supposed to do now? I just want hand to heart. Want to give a shout out to Desus and Mero. Obviously y'all listen to the podcast. I don't know what the beef was. I don't know the details. I tried to read as much as I could read, and I still don't know if it was the truth. I really, on the one hand, I want both of y'all to thrive, but I hope one day y'all could squash this beef and selfishly come back on television. But even if you don't come back on television, I hope y'all squashed this beef because this was a friendship before it became a thing that we got to consume. And y'all really revolutionized something in television. And if y'all can't come back and do it, I hope y'all lay some groundwork that's some other voices, that are picking up on people who are being left out of the late night conversation, can happen. But Desus and Mero, y'all are missed. I don't know Kelundra. I still feel my feelings about this one.

Kelundra Smith:

Oh, same. I often, on Sundays, Sucio Sunday.

Amena Owen:

Okay, Sucio Sunday.

Kelundra Smith:

And Ursday. It's a hole for me. And no one has filled it. And it makes me sad and I don't know. There's no closure here.

Amena Owen:

That's it. I still follow both of them and seeing them do things separately, it make my heart ache a little bit. I'll be like...

Kelundra Smith:

Yes. The friendship, to me, has to survive. I could be okay with the show ending if the friendship survives.

Amena Owen:

Yeah.

Kelundra Smith:

But if I don't have the show or the friendship, I'm like-

Amena Owen:

No. No.

Kelundra Smith:

Well wait.

Amena Owen:

Okay. It's like a Andre 3000 moment. I would love for Andre 3000 to be out here just making a gang of music and performing and touring all over the place. However, it seems that Andre 3000 has a happier life when he just play his flute in the airport and just meet up with random people at a coffee shop someplace. So do I want his music? Yes. I would prefer a healthy Andre 3000. And if a healthy Andre 3000 just played a flute some places and he don't never make another record, then I'll settle for that. And that is totally, I feel the same way about Desus and Mero. Would I love to see y'all, at some point, come back together and figure some things out and redo some things? I would love to see it. But more than that, I would just love a little picture of your Timberlands together so that we know. Y'all all right. Y'all good with each other.

Kelundra Smith:

Weren't they supposed to have a line of Timbs. What happened?

Amena Owen:

They did. Everything was short lived. Everything. Kelundra, I'm moving on because I'm not going to be crying, but just know Desus, Mero, y'all listening, we miss y'all. Okay, let's talk about some happy news. I want to get involved in best sitcom of 2022, Kelundra. Tell me.

Kelundra Smith:

Oh, we know what the best sitcom of 2022 is.

Amena Owen:

Are we drum roll? Is it not Abbott Elementary?

Kelundra Smith:

I don't know what the other option would be. Quinta came in and was like, I'm going to take the most basic thing that everybody in America does and milk it for as much content as possible. And she can literally, as far as I'm concerned, just get renewed for the next 15 seasons.

Amena Owen:

Big facts. Big super facts.

Kelundra Smith:

I'm in. I'm sold. I'm hooked. I'm there.

Amena Owen:

Okay, if I bring The Office into the chat, which, to me, is the last TV show that I remember watching as an adult. And at some point being like, this is going to be a classic. But I feel like the office was way more seasons in before that thought was coming to me. When I go back and rewatch The Office now I'm like, Dang, this was amazing from the beginning. But from the beginning I was like, man, they really just going to do this show about people working in the office. I don't know. It was season two, season three, before I was like, Say what? We got to make sure we home when the office come on. I didn't feel like that right away. Abbott Elementary really off of episode one had me like, Yes, okay, we're Wednesdays. We're Thursday. It's Tuesday. What day we doing? Because yes, immediately Quinta had me like, Oh my gosh. The ensemble, the teachers. Yes. She had me right away.

Kelundra Smith:

Well, and she sucked millennials in because she got Jessie from the Parent Trap, who we loved with Lindsay Lohan, and what's his name? Jesse Tyler. Is it Williams?

Amena Owen:

Yes.

Kelundra Smith:

Chris got him. And then you got D from Moesha. She basically went and got our faves and was like, Here's a workplace comedy that is going to very smartly dissect the issues with public school systems in America, but in a way that is lighthearted, that's funny, and we're going to center the most poorly dressed, awkward black girl possible as our protagonist. And she's going to have a boyfriend that is a YouTube rep.

Amena Owen:

He is utterly useless. She has the most useless man. If she was my friend, I would be like, you know the skit that Janet Jackson did before What have you done for me lately? When her girls was talking to her. Her girls was like, But what has he done for you lately? I would literally be like that to Janine's character. I'd be like, Janine, what do he do besides Millie Rock? What do he do for you?

Kelundra Smith:

Nothing. Tariq has got to be... And the thing is, we didn't know this about Tariq from the beginning, and that's part of the brilliance of the show. When we meet Tariq, there's this outcry from the audience of like, "Oh no, Janine's boyfriend is awful."

Amena Owen:

He's trash. He's trash.

Kelundra Smith:

We weren't ready.

Amena Owen:

She got to be a teacher on a budget. She got to deal with all this bureaucracy and all the terrible things going on that's making teachers jobs hard, and her boyfriend, she basically supporting him. He don't really do nothing for her. Oh child. I want to thank Abbott Elementary for this low simmer of chemistry between Janine and Gregory. Am I making that up? That's not his name. Yes, that is his name. Gregory. Right. Okay. The chemistry between the two of them at work. It is giving me what I loved about Jim and Pam.

It is giving me the slow burn that made me just stick in there for The Office. Because really, after a while I was like, Oh snap. The Office is really about these two people. I thought this was a comedy about the people working in this corporate office. But it's really about these two people falling in love. Will they? Won't they? I love the way Quinta is giving us these little moments of simmer. But we are now in our second season and these two people are still not together. And I'm going to watch it, Kelundra, I'm going to watch until they finally, they got to kiss. We got to do something. We need something.

Kelundra Smith:

But you know what? She's built the characters in such a way that she can drag this out because Gregory is an oddball who hates food.

Amena Owen:

He does hate food. When he was in the car hiding his little boring sandwiches he was eating, I cannot. I can't.

Kelundra Smith:

And then Janine is socially awkward and oblivious to things, but also super bouncy and all over the place.

Amena Owen:

Eternal Optimist. Even in the most not optimistic circumstances. Yes.

Kelundra Smith:

Yes.

Amena Owen:

Yes.

Kelundra Smith:

And then, shout out to Janelle James who-

Amena Owen:

Ooh, honey.

Kelundra Smith:

... has made the world's worst principles the most endearing character.

Amena Owen:

Yes. It's not even a love to hate because I don't hate her. It's just her ability to choose to be inept, fascinates me. Because it's not like baby's not smart. It's not like baby can't understand the vibes of the job. It's her choice to be like, It's TikTok for me and not y'all jobs and what y'all need from me as a boss. It's not that. I'm choosing my TikTok hustle over y'all. That's wild.

Kelundra Smith:

And they're setting us up for the utter and complete hot mess that will be the moment where Gregory chooses Janine and not Ava.

Amena Owen:

Ooh. She is going to be wrecked. She is going to be like you choosing this girl who can't even match a sweater with her skirt? You really choosing her over all this badass bitch? Really?

Kelundra Smith:

Janine is giving Laura Ingalls Wilder [inaudible 00:20:43] single.

Amena Owen:

Janine is somehow giving, if there was a rainbow or dots version of Anthropology the store, that is what Janine's character is giving us. I've never seen that combination until I looked at her like, wow, this is, Wow. I don't know what it be called. You know what it's going to be called? She's giving us sociology, but it's "gee." That's the store. It's like Rainbow Dots Shoe Warehouse Sociologee.

Kelundra Smith:

Not Cottage Corp for the broke.

Amena Owen:

Okay. I was like, baby is matching these florals with these pastels and stripes.

Kelundra Smith:

And she's like 410 and the colors don't coordinate. The clothes are wearing her. It's a mess. It's a mess. And then of course we have Melissa who is always in leather leggings. It's like, how are you like a mob boss teaching second grade in leather leggings?

Amena Owen:

Okay. Okay. I was like, wait a minute. I wish I knew the actress's name. I'm going to try to see if I can find her name before we hang up.

Kelundra Smith:

Lisa Ann Walters.

Amena Owen:

Lisa Ann Walters. And then this season she has a TA. The actress who is playing her TA, who I first encountered on the last season of Curb Your Enthusiasm. And she had me on Curb Your Enthusiasm. She had me, who is this hilarious lady that walked in to this television show. So when they were like, You're about to get a TA, and they showed the little sneak peek of the next episode. And I was like, That's going to be her TA? Yes. Bring more hilarious people into this situation. Let them interact together. Now Melissa got a TA that she got to teach. She can't even get just unadulterated help. She got to teach her how to be a TA. Woo. Yes. Yes. Love to see it. Love to see it. Oh my gosh. I'm going to find her name before we hang up because that girl had me hollering. Are you a Curb Your enthusiasm person or does Larry David wear you out?

Kelundra Smith:

I'm not. I was not an Office or Curb Your Enthusiasm person. I was a Park and Recreation person.

Amena Owen:

Okay.

Kelundra Smith:

So the Ben, Leslie is the same as the Gregory, Janine or the Pam, Jim. And then I don't know what would be the other equivalent of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Always Sunny is probably a little too dark.

Amena Owen:

Right, right. And I was not a big Seinfeld fan, but I went back to watch Curb Your Enthusiasm and was like, this thing is hilarious. So now Kelundra and I have to have a special group chat, but it's just the two of us, where I'm going to be like, don't even watch the whole show. Just watch this episode so that you can see this girl. Okay. Her name is Keyla Monterroso Mejia. Keyla, I know you listening to the podcast. Sis, you're hilarious. Everything you do makes me laugh. Here for it. Okay, let's also talk about Sheryl because I feel like this Emmy moment out here. This Emmy moment.

Kelundra Smith:

She's our dream girl and that's just what it is. She's been our dream girl. She remains our dream girl. She walks as our dream girl on this earth. The thing about Sheryl Lee Ralph is that she's just been doing it for so long and she's so seasoned and so who she is. And it comes through in the character Barbara, who is also absurdly funny but in a different kind of way. Like Barbara, how you going to say you going to start a garden in cake garden?

Amena Owen:

Huh? Okay. The episode where they had the bit where her character kept confusing who was white and who was Black. I thought my stomach was going to hurt from laughing. Because the wonderful part about this writing is, I don't know about other people because I'm Black, but a lot of the Black people I know have at least a family member, or someone you go to church with, people who are Black have somebody else Black they know who always does a thing like this, some names, they're going to mix it up and you like Grandma, I don't think that when you saying that person name, I don't think that's who you think it is.

Kelundra Smith:

My person is my father. When he says a person's name... And it's the thing, you never correct them, but you know who they're talking about.

Amena Owen:

Big facts.

Kelundra Smith:

Because you have gotten this person's name wrong. It's not who that is. My father has killed many a celebrity. He swears they're all dead. I'm just like, that person is still alive. You're thinking about the wrong person.

Amena Owen:

Please. It's like my mom at the beginning of the pandemic talking about, I was reading about this website where interracial couples would get on there and they're making a lot of money. People just watching them eat food. Am I going to tell my mom that's Only Fans? I'm not going to tell my mom that she's thinking about Only Fans, that, that's why they're watching interracial couples eat food. It's not a YouTube.

Kelundra Smith:

Is interracial Only Fans thing a thing? Is that a thing?

Amena Owen:

Apparently there are interracial couples that have carved out a niche for themselves on Only Fans where they are eating food. I don't know if they're eating this food off of each other or just eating food together. But it was like the way my mom was describing it, I knew right away that this is not a family oriented situation that we're doing. But I'm not going to say Only Fans. I'm not going to say it. We don't want that information out there with our parents. No.

Kelundra Smith:

No. Because I definitely don't want them to then explore what it is and then be trying to pass out anointing oil.

Amena Owen:

Okay. Okay. Extending their faith. Okay. No. No. Okay. You mentioned another sitcom that you love, and I was very excited that you sent me this. I want to talk about, I Love That For You, I need to discuss it. Tell me the vibes.

Kelundra Smith:

So first of all, let me just say, shout out to Jenifer Lewis, because never ma'am will you come off of seven seasons of a hit TV show on ABC, which was Blackish, and then turn around and give, what is to me, some of the best acting she's done on television with this ridiculous show on Showtime. I love that for you. Let me just explain to the people, because I feel like I Love That For You is one of those shows that's in the back corner of Showtime because it got overshadowed by Yellowjackets. But you need to get into this. So the premise of this show is that this girl who had juvenile cancer used to watch the home shopping network to make herself feel better. And her aspiration in life was to be a host on the Home Shopping Network. Her dream comes true, but it don't come true in the way that you think.

Amena Owen:

Ooh. My, my.

Kelundra Smith:

And that's all I'm going to say. Did I give away to many spoilers? But this show is absolutely absurd. I think they did get renewed.

Amena Owen:

Yes, for season two.

Kelundra Smith:

And I hope they get renewed. They can also drag this out forever for me.

Amena Owen:

Period.

Kelundra Smith:

I'm ready.

Amena Owen:

Period. Sign me up. Okay. First of all, y'all need to know that Kelundra and I exchange notes before we do these here episodes. Because I could literally talk to Kelundra all day. Okay. All day long. I could have an eight hour episode talking to Kelundra, and we would break to eat and that's it. Okay. So we have to compare notes. So when I get her notes, I'm like, Ooh. Yes. Because then I know the shows that we both watched, and there'll be some shows that I'm like, Oh, I didn't watch that one, so I can't wait to hear what Kelundra's going to tell us. Listen, I love that for you. Y'all need to get involved. As soon as I saw Jenifer Lewis, Molly Shannon and Vanessa Bayer, I was like, Oh no. Not y'all putting all three of them on the same show. Huh?

Kelundra Smith:

Foolishness. Molly Shannon is a nut. And I don't know how she walks and exists in life being as ridiculous as she is, because I'm like, this isn't acting. You are this crazy.

Amena Owen:

Yes.

Kelundra Smith:

Butt the thing is, Molly Shannon, in this show, is not being as wacky, but not in the way we're used to seeing her.

Amena Owen:

It's a bit restrained.

Kelundra Smith:

Yes. It's constrained wack job. And that's also...

Amena Owen:

It's more of a slow unravel of a character for her, where you're watching her character unravel slowly. You're like, Oh. Because you're already thinking to yourself, with the premise of this show, people who work at a home shopping network, if your career is built on this, that gives us some things to know about you and why this turned out to be your career. But the character that Molly Shannon is playing, watching that thing unravel and get wilder and wild... Ooh. Yes. Yes.

Kelundra Smith:

Shout out to the stylist. Whoever's doing wardrobe on that show. Perfection. Every single character has a distinct look. Molly Shannon, send me a jacket. I know we have the same style.

Amena Owen:

Hey listen, I love a bold blazer, Kelundra.

Kelundra Smith:

I love a bold blazer.

Amena Owen:

Please match with a different color. Bold pants. We're not talking about people who are just wearing a monochrome outfit here. These are magenta blazers with orange pants. Things are happening in this wardrobe.

Kelundra Smith:

And white Go-go boots. Somehow it goes together really, really well. And then the chick who is supposed to be a spoof of a real housewife who got a HSN show. I don't even know what's going on with her and the character who I'm going to call Jerry Falwell Jr.

Amena Owen:

Yes. Yes. I thank you for bringing that reference because there's an accuracy. Okay. Yes. Yes. Wow. I saw the title and I was like, Oh, that's interesting. And then I was like, Oh, they don't mean in the sense of what is currently slang to be like, Oh, I love that for you. I love that life for you. That, but also with home shopping, I love this faux chinchilla blanket for you as well. Y'all got to check that one out because that show there, it brought me a lot of joy. And it is very wonderful to see Jenifer Lewis in this next move, next moment in her career. It is wonderful to see her in that role. Honey. Okay.

Kelundra Smith:

And she got a concubine.

Amena Owen:

Okay. Before we move on, I need to speak to this a little bit, Kelundra, because I remember watching the first few episodes of How To Get Away With Murder, for example. And I was like, not Viola getting it like this. This is me watching Jenifer Lewis getting it. Jenifer Lewis is getting it on this show. Okay. She is getting some things she only referred to, her character only referred to on Blackish. She is getting it. It is happening on this show. I also love that for her.

Kelundra Smith:

Listen, I only aspire. I can only aspire.

Amena Owen:

Love that for you, Jenifer Lewis. Love that for you. Okay, let's talk about best drama. You brought up a show that I haven't watched but my husband watched. Can you discuss the merits of The Watcher?

Kelundra Smith:

Okay. So first of all, before I describe The Watcher, let me just say that I'm so happy Jennifer Coolidge is having her moment. Jennifer Coolidge is a special brand of human being, and I am just so happy to see her having this reemergence in getting all of these really interesting roles. So let's talk about The Watcher. The Watcher on Netflix, based on a true story.

Amena Owen:

What?

Kelundra Smith:

Yes. Yes.

Amena Owen:

I don't think I know that part. Based on a true story. Okay. Okay.

Kelundra Smith:

Based on a true story that happened in New Jersey. And essentially what we have is this family is moving into this beautiful suburban New England home. They move in and the neighborhood and the neighbors are not what they think. There is a "historical society" that is hell bent on making sure that people don't make certain alterations to these homes, which we find out is for very, very terrifying, shady and unscrupulous reasons.

So all I have to say is that dead bodies happen, secret passageways happen, money laundering happens, it's all happening. Me saying these things is not giving away anything. But what the core of the show is getting at is the social conditions that people set up trying to keep up with the Joneses, or keep up appearances, or have a certain protected suburban lifestyle and the cost of that. And it's real. But then there's also this element of it, Amena, of how policing young women's bodies and their purity is also mission critical to the preservation of the white suburban, upper middle class nuclear family in a way that's very slick in there. I don't know. The Watcher is something and it's a show that I could watch again.

Amena Owen:

And probably pick up different things each time you watched it. If I wasn't such a scaredy cat, honey, you would've got me, but I looked at the trailer for a little while and I was like, nope. That's nightmares for me. That's nightmares for me. Let's talk about a show that we both watched. We have talked a little bit about it, but now we are second season, best drama for us, P-Valley.

Kelundra Smith:

Oh, down in the valley with the girls get naked.

Amena Owen:

Ooh. I just almost want to write a love letter to this show. I love this show so much. Kelundra, you and I spoke about this because we both were into the first season. We were both so excited to see this show also get renewed for a second season. We are two seasons deep. What were your thoughts about season two of P-Valley, seeing where these characters developed? Tell me the vibes.

Kelundra Smith:

So first of all, let me just say shout out to creator Katori Hall.

Amena Owen:

Big facts. Yes.

Kelundra Smith:

I actually, shameless plug, did a profile of Katori Hall for the Bitter Southerner. So-

Amena Owen:

Love it.

Kelundra Smith:

... look for the Bitter Southerner Magazine.

Amena Owen:

We're going to put it in the show notes. Y'all going to have a link to that article in the show notes. Come on, journalist Kelundra Smith. Yes.

Kelundra Smith:

And for those who are in Atlanta, know that you will be able to see the Hot Wing King, which is the play that is a spinoff of P-Valley at the Alliance Theater in 2023.

Amena Owen:

Come on, Kelundra, come on and give us the tips and the tea today? Yes.

Kelundra Smith:

Yes. Yes. So in 2023, if you were in Atlanta, look for the Hot Wing king because the Hot Wing King is a little bit of a spinoff of P-Valley, and it's the play version. Okay. So anyway, talking about second season of P-Valley, Katori went places I didn't expect. When you open the season with a makeshift strip club car wash, I'm already-

Amena Owen:

Listen. Listen.

Kelundra Smith:

... not ready.

Amena Owen:

Because some of y'all are not from the south. I know there are strip clubs everywhere, but ain't no strip club like a strip club in the south. So to have this season open with how our strip clubs in the south surviving the pandemic had me like, Wow. Wow. Yes. Continue.

Kelundra Smith:

A strip club car wash where you could also get a 10 piece wing dusted with THC. So much there. Let's break it down.

Amena Owen:

So many layers.

Kelundra Smith:

I will say, the characters that most fascinated me this season were Lil Murda and Miss Mississippi. Because we see Mississippi, first of all, the episode they gave her, which I think is called Cinderella or something, it was like a Cinderella story or something. The episode they gave her, it gives us a background of who she is and how she ended up in that abusive relationship was just so well crafted. And then we see her really have to figure out a way out of this situation that dancing can't get her out of. And I think that's such a coined moment. The pandemic and how it exacerbated situations for people in certain socioeconomic situations. It's like, yeah, you money can't get you out of this necessarily. There's something more to it. And then with Lil Murda, same thing. In a situation where it's money can't necessarily get you out of this, flossin', no matter what you do. There's some real stuff going on here. The surprise boyfriend lover brother, I don't even know.

Amena Owen:

There was a lot of layers.

Kelundra Smith:

I was along for the ride.

Amena Owen:

There was a lot of layers to that plot. I want to give a shout out to Katori and the P-Valley team for giving us these layers of relationships between men, and where a relationship can be romantic between men, and also have this very protective brother friend. The layers of that relationship between Lil Murda and his friend who also then became his security. I'm about to call him Diamond, but that's somebody else. Why am I making up names?

Kelundra Smith:

Diamond was the security for the club.

Amena Owen:

Diamond was security for the club. But what was his name? Thaddeus? Am I making that up?

Kelundra Smith:

I don't know if it was Thaddeus.

Amena Owen:

Why can't I remember his name, child? They had a nickname they called him in the show though. I think the character's government name was Thaddeus. But they had a nickname they called him, Lil Murda's friend that he knew from prison, who had then come out of prison as Lil Murda was going on tour. They were asking him to be security.

Kelundra Smith:

You know what? It was Thaddeus. You right.

Amena Owen:

Okay. Okay. The layers of that relationship was just touching, haunting. I feel like the way Katori plays around with the idea of what can be haunting in this show, that that is not just the way we think of a horror film or a scary movie. It's also the relationships that are gone away. It's a grief that can be haunting. It's the life we thought we were going to have and now we don't have that life. There's just some ways she layered that, that were just masterful to me.

Kelundra Smith:

Oh yeah. She was trying to be on her Toni Morrison, honestly, with that. And then also shout out to Patrice Woodbine of Chucalissa being a pastor or [inaudible 00:42:11] I've never seen anything like it.

Amena Owen:

The way she gave those people the sermon and the twerk, honey, for a split second, Kelundra, and you know I don't be going to church like that, but for a split second I was like, is that my pastor? Could I get a pastor that do that? I could be into it. A Black woman who's like, here's a little bit about Jesus. Here's a little twist of my booty cheek. It's just something about those two things that really just came together for me.

Kelundra Smith:

On a parade float, mind you. Let's give time, place and manner. Okay.

Amena Owen:

Please. Please. I want to give a special shout out to Gail Bean playing Roulette in this show. Many of you that are Insecure watchers, remember her from Insecure as well. She had a character that was dating Lawrence in Insecure. Tasha, I think, may have been her name on Insecure. Gail Bean's been acting for a long time, honey. So I'm very excited to see Gail Bean getting her do out here. But this, the way she is playing Roulette on this show, these gum pops that are happening when Roulette is chewing gum and she is just popping gum and telling the people what they need to know. I really am enjoying her character and what her character is going to become. I like it. I like to see it.

Kelundra Smith:

And then talk about haunting, her and, what's the other girl, Whisper. The witch looking girl?

Amena Owen:

Yes. Because it's like they're like a devil angel kind of, but who is the angel? But who is the devil?

Kelundra Smith:

Creepy. They're creepy together, but in a good way.

Amena Owen:

I was very little bit afraid but also fascinated. Very fascinated. I'm very excited to see that P-Valley was renewed for a third season. What are your thoughts thinking about what could be on this third season. Kelundra? We know that the actress playing Autumn Night is not returning. So I'm just curious about quite a few things, what Katori can do with all of the things that were left undone at the end of season two.

Kelundra Smith:

Well, where Katori has me a little puzzled, but I'm excited about it is, I don't know what then becomes the thing that keeps them together.

Amena Owen:

Huh.

Kelundra Smith:

Because she left us in a place where everything is splintering. So I think there's a possibility that we have a lot of the same characters, but in a new place or in new circumstances. And so that's exciting because it'll almost feel like the show is starting over in a lot of ways, so we don't get exhausted with the storyline. Because there are a lot of things that were left undone that need to be tied up. We don't know what happens to Mississippi. We don't know how Mercedes going to get out of this situation with the coach and his wife, good Lord. Her daughter, we don't know how that situation's going to end up. We don't know how Uncle Clifford and Lil Murda resolve or fail to resolve. There's so many unknowns. But also the Pynk is still in jeopardy.

Amena Owen:

Right?

Kelundra Smith:

So I don't know. I don't know. I think the casino opening represents a whole different possibility.

Amena Owen:

And it's not reminding me completely of the Wire, but of the fact that as the seasons of the Wire went on, there were all of these layers of corruption that in the Wire, it's like, okay, here we have the corner boys and we see drugs. Okay, well now we see the police are also corrupt. But now we see the government is also corrupt. So I'm interested to see, now that we've got this character, who's become the mayor of Chucalissa, and we have the people who are fighting behind the scenes to see the casino happen. Very curious to see how far up are we about to see this corruption? How far are we about to see what's light and what's dark, and the different ways you can define that as well. It's going to be fascinating. Katori, give it to the people.

Give it to the people, Katori Hall. Okay, I've been waiting to discuss this. We are talking about best new TV series, Kelundra. I want The Bear to enter the chat right now because I have been waiting to discuss this with you. You know that a girl is a amateur foodie in her life. You know a girl is involved in that. So I am always here for a foodie type of show. But The Bear, it just did even more. It was just very sumptuous of a watch for me. Discuss your thoughts about The Bear. Were you surprised by it? Tell me the things.

Kelundra Smith:

The Bear, to me, is stressful. I've never felt such tension and stress watching a show probably since Scandal. Because what they have so brilliantly done is they capture the pace of what it is to work in the kitchen at a fast, casual restaurant that's in the middle of a rush. But also it's a mom and pop type place where there's family drama, there's corruption, they're dealing with a pandemic. How do we survive monetarily? There's splintered family relationships. There's all these things happening, and everybody has something at stake with the survival of this restaurant. And so it just throws you in.

That's why it reminded me of theater in so many ways. I've never seen a TV show that literally drops you in and you feel like you are standing in the kitchen in the middle of this restaurant and you're useless. You want to help but you can't.'re You trying to pick up a skillet or chop an onion and there is nothing. And they deal with generational differences. They deal with class differences, they deal with educational differences. And it's so Chicago, in a lot of ways. My dad is from Chicago and so there are parts of it that are so, yeah, this could only be Chicago for me.

Amena Owen:

I think you described it so well, that feeling, in some ways did feel like how a play can feel, because so much of the show is in this tight little space in this kitchen. Whereas in a lot of TV shows that were about a restaurant, there's all these other places to go, and they really kept you, for a lot of the show feeling stuck as we find some of the characters feeling stuck as well. I was late to The Bear on a level, but I was seeing people tweet about it, and I was seeing people tweet about how they dated guys that were like the central character. And I couldn't tell if that was complimentary or that was like, this ain't the type of man. They were like, I have dated this kind of chef bro, and this ain't what you want. So I was watching them and I was like, let me go check out this show. Then I want to shout out the character Sydney being played by Ayo Edebiri.

Kelundra Smith:

Yeah.

Amena Owen:

If there was going to be a spinoff, let it follow her, because these braids, this skin, everything. Everything.

Kelundra Smith:

Yeah. Her character totally, I didn't see her coming. I did not see her coming. Didn't.

Amena Owen:

No. Very unexpected. It was unexpected to see her character, unexpected what world her character is coming from into the world of this mom and pop show. And for those of you that have not checked out The Bear, tell me if I get this right, Kelundra, because sometimes I'll be embellishing. But basically to me, The Bear is about a restaurant that was owned by a brother who, when he died, he left the restaurant to his younger brother. But there was tension in that leaving because of how the brother died. And there was also tension because the little brother was never really welcomed in the restaurant when the brother was alive. So it's a big surprise that the brother would leave the restaurant to him. But herein the little brother has become a bit of somebody in the food world.

He is out here with the aioli. He is of the aioli and not of the mayo. Y'all know the vibes, if you're a foodie person. He is a person who is talking about the aioli, not the mayo. His brother got a Chicago's down home food kind of restaurant. So to see this younger brother coming home, but unwillingly coming home because he has to, under some sad circumstances. And now meeting up against the people who have been there holding down the restaurant all along, and all that ensues from there. It was a fascinating watch.

Kelundra Smith:

It's a mess. And as much as Carmy, the brother-

Amena Owen:

The central character.

Kelundra Smith:

... is a questionable character, I will say that if I was in that situation, the brother trying to bake the chocolate cake in the back would've sent me over the edge.

Amena Owen:

Right. Okay.

Kelundra Smith:

We serve Italian beef, what are you doing? Right?

Amena Owen:

What are you doing making tool. We don't need chocolate tool here, we need braised beef my guy. Period. Period.

Kelundra Smith:

It would have sent me over the edge.

Amena Owen:

Good night. Good night. Although Marcus's little tender heart, and Marcus and Sidney's characters, I don't know what they're trying to give us for season two, but-

Kelundra Smith:

There's a there there?

Amena Owen:

... they had a couple moments that I was like, Hmm, what's going on here between y'all? What else is cooking?

Kelundra Smith:

No, I like what else is cooking? I like how you did that.

Amena Owen:

What else is cooking? We want to know. Okay, talk to me about our next television show from Issa Rae. We have to discuss Rap Sh!t.

Kelundra Smith:

If Instagram was a TV show, that's what Issa Rae gave us.

Amena Owen:

I'm trying to see, is this a compliment, Kelundra? Do we like it. What are the vibes?

Kelundra Smith:

Well, but that's the thing about the show. I think Issa is simultaneously celebrating an element of Black culture and also completely satirizing it and poking fun of it, because she is using Miami and this hustle to get on as a way of showing how people spend more time trying to hustle and get around a thing than actually becoming and doing the thing. But also it's just ridiculous. Shauna, as a protagonist, is an absurd idea, because you've got this girl in her early thirties who is a super woke SoundCloud rapper with five followers, who-

Amena Owen:

Who certainly sounds like she did spoken word at one time. That was immediately the vibes I felt. Oh, this is a slam poet. I got it. Okay.

Kelundra Smith:

Absolutely. Queen of the open mic. And she teams up with basically a young Miami type, played very brilliantly by Chameleon, and they decide they're going to get on and become this rap duo. But they're having to then question, along the way, how much of themselves they're willing to give up, how much of themselves they're willing to compromise to make it, and what are they even aiming for to begin with? It's smart, which we expect from Issa, but also I think in a lot of ways it's a take down of Instagram culture.

Amena Owen:

Huh. Now see, Kelundra, you done brought a point out right there. You done brought a point out, because I didn't even think about that, but yes, yes, Kelundra. And another thing I felt, I felt this a little bit watching Insecure that I knew that the generation of black women that Issa was writing about wasn't my generation, but I loved getting that... I feel like I'm sort of the tail end of Gen X. And so I loved watching Insecure and thinking, Oh, these were similar things that maybe my girlfriends and I were talking about when that was our phase of life.

But then also being like, oh, these things, we weren't talking about, because that wasn't a thing we experienced, because that is the difference in the generation. I felt even more separation watching Rap Sh!t. Immediately felt like some things is going on here that I just know nothing about. Let me watch and find out. And this is a show that is loosely based on the story of the City Girls, the hip hop group, the City Girls, right? So I was just fascinated, I'm fascinated watching Rap Sh!t, like, wow, okay. That's how those lyrics got like that.

Kelundra Smith:

[inaudible 00:56:46]

Amena Owen:

Girl

Kelundra Smith:

[inaudible 00:56:47]

Amena Owen:

[inaudible 00:56:47] That hit. Okay. As soon as they did, I, around the house will hit it sometimes. [inaudible 00:56:56] Please, we don't know where the M is on the end. It's lost. We don't know. It's [inaudible 00:57:03] That's it. That's it. I don't know where the M is at. Y'all ask your mama where the M is at. We don't know. Okay. Yes.

Kelundra Smith:

There are some good one-liners too in that show, when she's on her little Instagram or TikTok videos and she's like, Well, you a five star bitch. You make them pay for every star. I was like, This is such a hot pass, who wrote this?

Amena Owen:

Not me watching, that's right girl. Every star. Every star, honey,

Kelundra Smith:

Every star.

Amena Owen:

Okay, my last category, we have to talk about this because you and I both love a good old docu-series, honey.

Kelundra Smith:

Yes.

Amena Owen:

I need you to speak to me about Victoria's Secret: Angel and Demons docu-series.

Kelundra Smith:

You know, as I call them, I love a scamumentary.

Amena Owen:

Come on, Kelundra, bring it back to the people.

Kelundra Smith:

And there's no greater scam than capitalism. And so-

Amena Owen:

We wish it wasn't true. We wish she was telling a lie, but it's the truth.

Kelundra Smith:

Victoria's Secret: Angels and Demons. If you don't watch not but one scamumentary this year-

Amena Owen:

This is the one.

Kelundra Smith:

It's top tier. If I'm thinking about the rankings from last year, it may almost edge out LuLaRich, almost, for me.

Amena Owen:

I can feel it though. I can feel you.

Kelundra Smith:

Let me just tell you my own personal experience with this. So if you haven't seen Victoria's Secret: Angels and Demons, it is about Lex Wexner, who is the man who acquired Victoria's Secret. He's the man who is at the top of Limited Brands. Limited brands is Victoria's Secret, Bath and Body Works, and it was Henri Bendel. So what happens in this show is we see how the Victoria Secret fashion shows and the photo shoots and that brand almost became a coverup for sexual assault and sexual harassment.

Amena Owen:

Right. Right.

Kelundra Smith:

With what was happening with the models on these sets, and how all of these different millionaires and billionaires include... Well, I won't say any names, are involved in this.

Amena Owen:

But it's some well known names on the list there.

Kelundra Smith:

Some well known names on the list. It's some very Epstein adjacent stuff happening. So anyway, what's so wild about this, Amena, is what you may not know about me is that there was a period of time where I worked for Bath and Body Works.

Amena Owen:

My, my.

Kelundra Smith:

And I will tell you that when you work for Bath, and when I worked for Bath and Body Works, this was about 10 years ago, the narrative about who Victoria was and the narrative about how this small town couple started this lingerie shop for all women, and then it got discovered and it made Victoria this wealthy woman. And isn't this so amazing? They told us that story.

Amena Owen:

Wow.

Kelundra Smith:

It's in the onboarding. They don't tell you that none of this is true.

Amena Owen:

Wow.

Kelundra Smith:

It's all lies. There is no Victoria.

Amena Owen:

She ain't even got a secret.

Kelundra Smith:

That's the secret.

Amena Owen:

That's the secret, that there ain't no Victoria.

Kelundra Smith:

It's ingrained in the way they did the employee onboarding. So as I'm watching this unfold, I'm like, Hold up now. We're thinking we're working for a small business that got acquired by a large corporation that has then expanded to become a global brand, when in fact it's all just made up.

Amena Owen:

Wow.

Kelundra Smith:

It's a brand narrative gone haywire.

Amena Owen:

That's it. That's it. And that's all. I have really enjoyed these brand take downs, these brand take down documentaries. I want to give a special shout out as well to White Hot: The Rise and Fall of Abercrombie & Fitch, because you can't watch the Victoria Secret documentary without also placing it in this historical context of what was happening in the era. What were the messages that women were being given, that women of different cultures and size, and there's all these layers there that you then place the messages of Victoria's Secret into there. We are currently watching Victoria's Secret, honestly, try to play catch up, running behind Savage Fenty and Rihanna now, because Savage Fenty was one of the first brands to really push for that true inclusion. So to see this take down of Abercrombie and Fitch, a store that I passed by in the mall all the time growing up, and was like, I hope those white people enjoy that store. I hope they have a good time in there. But that just seemed like a place I should not go in.

Kelundra Smith:

Now I never went in Abercrombie & Fitch. It's so interesting that you mentioned that because even as a kid, as a teenager, I would pass by it and that strong, horrible colonial [inaudible 01:02:54] out but I always knew I wasn't welcome. It wasn't for me.

Amena Owen:

Yep.

Kelundra Smith:

So interesting.

Amena Owen:

That message was very strong. So yes, shout out to these docu-series. Oh my gosh, Kelundra, I could talk to you forever and ever. Ah, thank you so much, Kelundra, for coming on and sharing your thoughts with the people. I know that you are doing a lot of amazing things. Tell the people where can they find you? What's next for Kelundra? What are you out here giving the people in the arts right now?

Kelundra Smith:

Thank you so much for having me. This is always so much fun. And they can find me, I'm Kelundra Smith, K-E-L-U-N-D-R-A, last name Smith. I'm the only one out there. If you find it, it's me. If you find somebody else that's a lie. So they can find me at kelundra.com on my website. I'm on Instagram. I'm on Twitter, I'm not leaving. I must witness the fall of Twitter in real time because somebody must document it.

Amena Owen:

That's right.

Kelundra Smith:

I'm on LinkedIn.

Amena Owen:

That's right.

Kelundra Smith:

And all those things. And you can see, if you look at my website and look at my social, you'll see me post about articles that I have coming out as well as when my plays will have readings and shows. I've got some things that are going on that I can't talk about right now, but if you go to my website, you'll be able to see when I announce it.

Amena Owen:

Yes. Y'all make sure I go to the socials. Follow Kelundra there and we will make sure we link to some articles as well, so that people can click on those in the show notes. Honey, Kelundra, thank you so much. You're the best.

Kelundra Smith:

Thank you.

Amena Owen:

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast network in partnership with iHeartRADIO. Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 96

Amena Brown:

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to this week's episode of HER with Amena Brown, and it is holidays time, y'all. I don't know how much pretending you're doing at your jobs at this point. I feel like there's two groups of people. There's the group of people who are not doing anything at their jobs after December 1st, basically. The goal is to just look like you're doing something until your time off arrives.

Or there are some people who work jobs that now is a wild time at your job and you will not be getting any sleep, any rest, while other people are enjoying the holidays, you are busting your butt and working super hard. Shout out to both of you. Shout out to those of you that are shuffling papers in your cubicle just trying to look like you're doing something.

Extra special shout out to those of you that are working very, very hard. You're in an industry that gets super busy around this time of year. I wish for you a slow January, because wow. Also, Matt is back.

Matt:

Wow.

Amena Brown:

We are here doing a road stories holiday episode.

Matt:

Ho ho ho, y'all.

Amena Brown:

I always like to have a holiday episode of this podcast.

Matt:

For auld lang syne. I have no idea what that means.

Amena Brown:

I really like the way the pronunciation you gave us there. I really-

Matt:

I don't even know if what I said is right.

Amena Brown:

I like it. I'm going to go with it. I really like the Z there, the auld lang syne. That's it.

Matt:

I don't know. I just know that when it comes up in that song, I sing it ... It really touches me.

Amena Brown:

I'm just now in my adulthood even knowing that it was saying auld lang. I mean shout out to When Harry Met Sally because Sally and Harry were having that conversation at the end of the film, which is also a bit of a Christmas movie, where he was like, "Why say that? You supposed to forget the people you used to know? You supposed to know the people you forgot?" It's a lot of confusion.

Matt:

I like the pepper on my paprikash.

Amena Brown:

I'm a big When Harry Met Sally fan. I don't know why I haven't done an episode about that movie. Thank you for bringing that to my mind, babe. We going to get involved.

Matt:

Here for it.

Amena Brown:

That's not what we're doing today though, y'all. That's the future episode we're going to do. I want to talk about our road experiences around the holidays, babe. We've had quite a few.

Matt:

We have.

Amena Brown:

Okay. So I want to lay the groundwork for you all. We have discussed this in previous road stories episodes, the idea that when you live a life where most of your work is travel, depending on what you do, that does make the holidays kind of tricky. We've had some holidays. I know I had many, before Matt and I were married and in the first few years that we were married, where I would typically get booked to do poetry at churches around Christmastime, particularly for Christmas Eve services, and some churches even had services on Christmas Day.

Matt:

I do believe our first year dating, I picked you and your mom up from the airport. Was it Christmas Day?

Amena Brown:

It was Christmas Day-

Matt:

Christmas Day, yeah.

Amena Brown:

... because we flew to Oregon, I think, to do Christmas Eve services. The church was so large that the Christmas Eve services were on the 23rd and the 24th. It was five or seven services. And then we took the earliest flight we could take out on Christmas Day, and you had to pick us up there.

Matt:

You got me my very first ever Christmas gift from you. I got you a gift, also, but ...

Amena Brown:

Are we going to tell the truth on this podcast or are we going to tell the story that you've been telling other people is the first gift?

Matt:

Well, I am on the HER podcast, so maybe I should let her say what her thought she got him on that first Christmas.

Amena Brown:

I remember that I was in a Sean John phase, and I got you a very nice red Sean John shirt that I had prepacked in a gift bag and left it with you.

Matt:

Can't stop. Won't stop.

Amena Brown:

Told you not to open it until Christmas Day. So I can't remember. You might have showed up in it. I feel like you might have showed up in that shirt to the airport.

Matt:

Okay. Sounds like me.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. That's the truth.

Matt:

Usually, if I get a gift, I put it on immediately.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, that is you. That is the MO right there. So that's the truth. The other story that you have told regarding what you believe-

Matt:

Well, the way I remember it is the very first gift that I opened from my lady-

Amena Brown:

No.

Matt:

... on our very first Christmas was some nose hair trimmers. Could it have been a message about the unkemptness of a man entering the age I was entering? Possibly. But ever since then, I've kept that nose hair job done.

Amena Brown:

I, first of all, want to let y'all know that the truth is not being told from someone on this podcast right now.

Matt:

Did you or did you not buy me a nose hair trimmer?

Amena Brown:

I did. That is true that I did buy you a nose hair trimmer. You were with me when I bought it.

Matt:

Listen, I don't know if there's any fellas listening to this podcast. I'm sure there are. But if there are, maybe you can come in the comments section and help a brother out. On your first holiday with your lady, would you have ever gotten her a skillet?

Amena Brown:

Okay. This is why I feel that an untruth is being told regarding this gift because we were actually Christmas shopping together for some other things.

Matt:

Would you have gotten her some hair rollers?

Amena Brown:

I don't remember how the question or the conversation regarding the nose hairs came up. I don't remember that part.

Matt:

Would you have gotten her some leg hair trimmers?

Amena Brown:

But we were at a TJ Maxx, if I remember. It was either TJ Maxx or it was the section of Macy's during the holidays where they have all the little gifts you can get for people. I did not buy your gift that day because I bought your gift when you weren't with me. But I went ahead, since we were ringing things up, and threw that nose hair trimmer in there. Let me tell y'all something right now, and I have said this to my husband repeatedly.

Many of you have been around an older man or it could be just a man over 30 years old. But I have seen this particularly in men who are in their 40s, 50s, 60s. As you get older, your nose hairs grow longer, and you know what else grows longer is hair in your ears. For me, you can tell if a man has people in his life that love him if he doesn't have enough ear hair just crawling out of his eardrums and if you're not mistaking nose hair for a mustache.

So I would like to correct the thought that I surprisingly bought my boyfriend at the time a nose trimmer and wrapped it up and that he opened that. I would like to say I don't remember how we were talking about it, but something came up regarding the grooming of a man and he did not have this tool. It's a great tool. It makes your life easier. You don't have to stick kitchen scissors up your nose hairs and things you shouldn't be doing.

It's a thing that's for your nostrils and your eardrums. That's what we're saying. So was it purchased? Yes. Was it purchased with the intent of you using it? Yes. Was it a Christmas gift? No. I rest my-

Matt:

Well-

Amena Brown:

Your Honor. Your Honor.

Matt:

There's just two of us in this room right now. Either way, thank you for bringing the awareness to my life that I was a man who had entered the nose hair bearing years of his life.

Amena Brown:

That's it. That's it.

Matt:

I've kept it fresh ever since.

Amena Brown:

That's right. You do. You keep it very fresh. Really, we've now been together long enough to have been two or three nose hair trimmers since then. So that's a long marriage when you can be like, "That's three personal grooming tools that we have used throughout our time."

Matt:

Is that how we're going to start measuring the length of our relationship is nose hair trimmers?

Amena Brown:

Yeah. I think we should. I think we should do that, be like, "Yes. We've been married 11 years, also known as three nose hair trimmers." I think that's fair.

Matt:

I'm with it.

Amena Brown:

I think we should do that.

Matt:

Okay.

Amena Brown:

The holidays was always an interesting time because, as we've talked about, you have birthdays of people you love. You have various and sundry holidays that other people are off work, but you're working, which is why I wanted to shout out those of you that that's you right now, that it's a busy season for you because that happens to us. Some summers, everybody's on vacation. We can't vacation because we working the whole summer.

Matt:

Whole time.

Amena Brown:

People are taking time off for Christmas, New Year's. Sometimes those were times that we were working a lot. I remember one particular Christmas that we were very broke.

Matt:

I can remember a couple.

Amena Brown:

I don't know why I said one particular Christmas because there were probably multiple Christmastimes that we were broke. But this one I remember we were very, very broke and, on both sides of our family, we would have different Christmas gatherings. Yes, insert parenthetical note that Christmas is not all about presents. Insert those thoughts because that's true, and it's also true that you still going to buy some gifts for some people sometimes.

Matt:

I love buying gifts for people. I look forward to it every year.

Amena Brown:

It's a lot of fun. It's a lot of fun. I think, for us, especially getting married in those first few years of being married, it's like that's a part of your family bond. You're getting to know your extended family members and what stuff they might like and us deciding. I remember we had one year that we got all of our gifts from independent stores instead of shopping in department stores.

Matt:

I love that.

Amena Brown:

You just have lots of fun you can have with that. But this particular year, we was broke as hell, and it wasn't no place buy that stuff. We got a last-minute Christmas Eve service gig that came in and came in very nicely that year.

Matt:

It did.

Amena Brown:

We were like, "Woo. We're going to Universal ..." No, sorry. That was a different time. No, but we were like, "We going to have Christmas."

Matt:

Oh, yeah.

Amena Brown:

It is a lot of work, in general, when you are the person coming into someone else's environment as an artist. But Christmastime was very particular because people, especially churches, they go all out.

Matt:

Oh, man. You've been a part of some productions that I've witnessed. Oh, wow.

Amena Brown:

I'm talking about it's orchestras. We went to some churches during Christmastime where they had adult orchestra and a child version. There's a children's orchestra.

Matt:

When they call it a cantata, uh-oh.

Amena Brown:

Watch out. Watch out now. That's bigger than a Christmas program. That's how I grew up. Our church, growing up, we had a Christmas cantata. I don't know. That was a vibe.

Matt:

Are there other cantatas?

Amena Brown:

I'm assuming not. I mean I really have never even looked up exactly what cantata means. Something is giving me the Spanish, encanto or something regarding singing. I'm assuming that. But yes, these things were super produced. Christmas and Easter were your biggest holidays. But Christmas is a big deal. It's lots of bells, and it's dancing. Sometimes it's a moment of theater that's going to happen in the middle of this, a sketch.

Matt:

Some lights that look like snow.

Amena Brown:

Definitely some glowy, some visuals.

Matt:

A lot of powder on the stage.

Amena Brown:

Okay. But we didn't come here to talk to y'all about that. What we want to talk about is one of our worst holiday experiences. We want to talk about the worst winter tour there ever was.

Matt:

That thing was raggedy.

Amena Brown:

Many score and however many years ago, Matt and I got booked for our first tour together because I had been on tour since we've been married, but we could not go together. They only had enough space on the bus for me. So I would have to be apart from Matt. Okay. This was very exciting for the first time that we knew about it until we actually got on the tour, that we were going to get to go on the tour together.

This was a bus tour. We were through the Midwest in December. That should have told us right there.

Matt:

I don't think I would have known up front what Midwest, that meant cold north middle.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Because I had been to the Midwest during cold times in the past, but definitely not around the holidays.

Matt:

I went to public school, and I'm not sure. Is all the Midwest in the North? Is it all cold? Is there a lower part? Is there a southern Midwest?

Amena Brown:

You know what? You're bringing up a good point though because, for me, geography-wise, it is once you start getting into Ohio, Indiana, Michigan-

Matt:

I just figured that's all up North. I don't know whether it's left, right.

Amena Brown:

That's all Midwest to me. But you have made a point though that it's like America almost doesn't fully have a North. Well, I guess we have Northeast a little bit, that tip of the country where Maine, Connecticut, New Hampshire-

Matt:

I've heard of these.

Amena Brown:

And then we have the Northwest where Oregon and Seattle would be. But anything that's basically between Seattle and before you get into New York is Midwest. If it's not Texas and the South, it's Midwest. So as far as we knew, that was just some mystery land in the middle of the country. Some of it we'd been to, but some of it we hadn't. We Were very excited, and a few things went badly.

First of all, I want to talk about a tour bus for those of you that are not tour bus aficionados. You can tell the budget of the tour you are on based on the quality of the tour bus. Some artists and bands that you know and love are touring on Sprinter vans. There's not a bed in that van. The people are having enough room in this Sprinter van. I daresay some people are in a 12-passenger van, and that's it.

You might have a hotel. You might not. You just out and about, trying. I would say, based on the tour bus situation we received, we were mid. We were mid. It had bunks in it.

Matt:

It had bunks. It was a sleeper bus. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

So it felt all right. Our first little day meeting up with everybody, all that energy initially felt really great. I am not going to name for you all who was on the tour because some things we must keep to ourselves.

Matt:

(singing)

Amena Brown:

We must keep it to ourselves.

Matt:

(singing)

Amena Brown:

Needless to say, it was us, a couple of other bands, I think.

Matt:

Yeah. There were bands.

Amena Brown:

There's typically always a speaker at this because you can't really have truly a Christian tour of any kind if there isn't some sort of talking, preaching. It's a keynote.

Matt:

You're going to get talked at.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. You need to get talked at a little bit. So there was a speaker. And then, in this situation, the tour was being put on by an organization. We have had a lot of experiences with organizations. We know now, but didn't know then, that when you're working with an organization and they say things like, "Everybody that works here is so young-"

Matt:

Our team is so young. It's so fun.

Amena Brown:

Man, I'm just going to tell you right now, if people are talking about booking you for something and they say that to you, charge your highest price because that means you're going to be inconvenienced. Make sure that whoever cuts the checks isn't young. You want to see at least one gray hair on the person cutting your check.

Matt:

That's cool and all, But who run your QuickBooks?

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Who's handling Quicken? What y'all doing in here? Does the person running y'all checks know how to use something that's not Venmo is what I need to know?

Matt:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

Is it a check?

Matt:

Is it a check?

Amena Brown:

Will I get tax forms related to this money? Okay. The first bad thing that happened was related to the tour bus, y'all.

Matt:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

I do believe our tour bus driver had only driven in the South. I don't think he'd ever done a Midwest tour.

Matt:

Like us, tour bus driver's like, "What is a Midwest?"

Amena Brown:

What are we doing here?

Matt:

Okay, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold up. Doesn't Chili's have a Midwestern egg roll?

Amena Brown:

It's a Southwestern. See, that's it right there.

Matt:

So there is a Southwest.

Amena Brown:

There is a Southwest.

Matt:

Is Texas a Southwest?

Amena Brown:

Yes.

Matt:

Okay.

Amena Brown:

Yes.

Matt:

Okay.

Amena Brown:

Yes. But I'm going to tell you right now that if there was a Midwestern egg roll, it's a bunch of casseroles that are rolled up in a tortilla that is covered in either sour cream or something. And then it's encased in a cream cheese ball, and you have to use crackers to get to the actual Midwestern egg roll inside.

Matt:

I like that my newfound understanding of US geography has to do with a Chili's appetizer.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Because, see, that helps you right there. You were like, "Oh, it's Southwest. It's a black bean."

Matt:

That's it.

Amena Brown:

It's a little guacamole.

Matt:

That's it.

Amena Brown:

You're like, "Okay, I know the vibes." I'm Texas. I'm New Mexico. I'm Arizona. I'm somewhere there.

Matt:

Basically, anything that has the word, southwest, in it has black beans.

Amena Brown:

You're pretty sure. You're pretty sure about that. When I think about Northwest, for some reason, I'm somewhere between weed and patchouli, somewhere between those things. Some sort of a fir tree, a Fraser tree is happening there. The Northeast, you're like, "It's a lobster roll." It's a clam out there. We're right there near the ocean. But people who are listening that live in the Midwest that aren't from Chicago, tell us your cuisine.

Matt:

Yeah, please.

Amena Brown:

We don't know.

Matt:

We don't.

Amena Brown:

In the South, you're pretty sure there's fried something. There's fried chicken. There's fried pork rinds. There's a fried Oreo in the South.

Matt:

I just remember the stops we made in the Northwest ... Northwest, is that what we're calling it?

Amena Brown:

No, it's the Midwest.

Matt:

Sorry. Who invited this dude on the HER podcast?

Amena Brown:

In the Midwest tour.

Matt:

Listen, the Midwest tour that we went on, I just know that the different towns we stopped in, when we went in the diners, them people were not ready to see us.

Amena Brown:

No, they were not.

Matt:

You could hear the forks-

Amena Brown:

No, They were not.

Matt:

... hit the plate like ...

Amena Brown:

I'm trying to think to myself. I would have noticed this a lot more now than I did then. But I was the only Black person on that tour, that I can remember. I'll say, of the people of color on that tour, that was maybe less than 5% of everybody who was there.

Matt:

I will say when we walked in those diners, you might have been the first Black person they seen in a minute.

Amena Brown:

Oh, boy. You don't never want to be in an environment where you're like, "Hmm, racist?" You especially don't want to be there when it's cold, and you're not sure how quickly your lungs can run in the freezing.

Matt:

I think walking into that room, for me, it wasn't as much, "Hmm, racist?", as, "Hmm, racist."

Amena Brown:

There was no question. We were like, "Oh, we know it's racist." That's great.

Matt:

Nah, It didn't go up on end. It was like, Oh, okay."

Amena Brown:

Okay. Y'all racist.

Matt:

I can't go to the bathroom and leave her standing here. I got to stand here the whole time.

Amena Brown:

Nah. Can't do that.

Matt:

I will be standing outside of her bathroom door.

Amena Brown:

Got to do it. One of the awkward things about this was the organization that was putting on the tour was headquartered somewhere in the Midwest. What that meant was everyone that was helping to organize the tour, all the people that worked behind the scenes, they lived in the Midwest. And then a couple of the bands that were on the tour, they had their own way they were handling transportation, so they weren't actually on the bus with us.

So it was us and maybe a couple of people that worked in the sound crew that basically had some days to ourselves. I won't say it was the middle of nowhere, but it was basically everyone did the tour Monday through Friday. If you could afford to fly home on the weekends, then you would fly home on the weekends. But you would be flying home at your own cost.

Matt:

If I remember correctly, they weren't happy with some of the folks flying home on the weekends. But those folks were like, "Oh, no."

Amena Brown:

"I'm going home."

Matt:

"I ain't staying here."

Amena Brown:

"No, not in this snow-ridden place. No, I'm not staying." But we didn't have money to do that. A couple of other people that were working behind the scenes from out of town didn't have money to do that. So basically, contractually, they had to provide lodging for us, and that's literally it. They pretty much dropped us off at a hotel that was across from a mall.

Matt:

It was a thing in walking distance.

Amena Brown:

They were like, "Have at it. You can go there. Get yourself some food, whatever." Now, thankfully, this wasn't like actual literal Christmas, but it was in the few weeks leading up to the holidays. So a lot of that time that you have to start slowing down your life and doing your Christmas decorations and starting to get gifts if that's what you do, we were taking our weekends and going over to this mall that anything you could do or eat in that mall, we must have done it.

Matt:

Yep. Saw it. Experienced it-

Amena Brown:

We must have done it.

Matt:

Tried it twice.

Amena Brown:

Okay. The next thing I want to talk about is the time that the bus froze. I need to speak about this because I mentioned to y'all earlier that our bus driver had never been to the Midwest, as apparently we had not either. Y'all listening that live in the Midwest are going to laugh when I say this probably. But apparently, you are not supposed to turn a bus, you're not supposed to turn it off when you are in weather that is below freezing, as Wisconsin and the Dakotas and Michigan and Minnesota were at this time of year.

I can't tell y'all all the secrets. But normal tour bus etiquette is that if multiple people are on a tour bus, you all have a way to get in and out of the bus. I'm not going to tell y'all what the way is so y'all won't be looking for it in y'all favorite artist bus.

Matt:

No way.

Amena Brown:

There's always a way that everybody has that's their secure way they going to get in and out of this thing. Typically, the bus is turned off and you come in and out like you would your car. But instead of it being your car, there's your bed in there, your luggage, whatever. So this bus driver is doing normal protocol as far as he's concerned.

Matt:

We show up after the gig, and I hand my turntable. There's this place turntables go under the bus, place our merch goes under the bus. Any of our stuff goes in a certain spot under the bus. They close it, lock it. We get on the bus.

Amena Brown:

That's all. So we had one night that the bus got turned off and froze. They had to tow the bus, y'all, to a mechanic to, First, thaw the bus out.

Matt:

Thaw the bus out.

Amena Brown:

Can't even see what the bus needs fixing.

Matt:

Let me tell you. I didn't even know the bus had froze because, apparently, it was enough to have the lights on. So I go to get in my bunk and when you get in your bunk, there's that curtain you close. Close the curtain. Well, I have a decent amount of body heat. You know what I'm saying?

Amena Brown:

Do. Do.

Matt:

I'm a well-insulated individual. I don't be cold in the wintertime, thank God. And so I'm in-

Amena Brown:

And now that we married, I don't either. Continue.

Matt:

I didn't want to say it, but-

Amena Brown:

Well, it's true.

Matt:

All right. Anyway, so I'm in my bunk and I'm warm. I hear all this commotion, so I open up the bunk and automatically see my breath for the ... In my bunk, it was toasty.

Amena Brown:

Because I'm going to tell y'all. The way low to mid budget tour buses are made is your bunk is not like a bunk bed. It's much lower down to the face.

Matt:

It's almost like you're in a coffin, I would assume. I've never been in a coffin.

Amena Brown:

But it's kind of that size though.

Matt:

If you're claustrophobic, it's going to be a problem. You looking immediately at the roof, the ceiling.

Amena Brown:

So imagine you fall asleep and wake up and all you can see is your breath and darkness. Let me tell y'all. Yikes. It was so cold in the bus. Matt's bunk was so warm. He got out of his bunk and let me get in his bunk until they figured out what we were all going to have to do. Yikes.

Matt:

I do remember. Because remember, they had to go thaw out this bus, but we still had to get to the next city.

Amena Brown:

Oh, yikes.

Matt:

So they pulled up in some hatchbacks, talking about we got to get as much of this gear in here as we can. So if I remember correctly, I was holding at least one turntable in my lap.

Amena Brown:

In your lap. Because it was us and three other people that were working the behind the scenes. So the car itself is full. There's five of us in a hatchback with our luggage and two turntables. There was not enough room for that at all.

Matt:

So we had to ride in the hatchback, turntables in laps.

Amena Brown:

Yikes.

Matt:

The show must go on.

Amena Brown:

Okay, period. I want to talk to y'all about the audience. We were being told that this was a young people's thing. It was supposed to be reaching college students to young adults.

Matt:

All the promotional materials we saw were lights and pyro and young people and made sense.

Amena Brown:

Everything. So we were like, "Bet, that's perfect."

Matt:

There were rock bands on this tour with guitars and amps. We're like, "Cool."

Amena Brown:

Cool. We love that. Well, we get there, and it's less of a young adults, more of a-

Matt:

Their greater grandparents.

Amena Brown:

70+ adults, like a literal Hey Boomer.

Matt:

They might have been the greatest generation. Boomers might have been they kids. That was people's memaws and pepaws.

Amena Brown:

Yes, it was. That's definitely some nanas were up in there. I'm going to tell you where you probably don't want to deejay for the most part. I can't necessarily tell you that you don't want to deejay in front of older people because, if they're older people that love to party-

Matt:

Cool.

Amena Brown:

... that's great.

Matt:

I gotcha.

Amena Brown:

But I'm going to tell you who doesn't love to party, and that's older Christian people.

Matt:

The number of times I heard, "We've never had a set of turntables in here before."

Amena Brown:

Yikes. I'm going to tell y'all. Older Christian people, the only kind of party they want to go to is a praise party. Y'all understand? They want to do that motion that they used to do back in the Maranatha, where they kick they legs out. They want to do that kind of thing. But they didn't come there to hear your rock rap. No.

Matt:

I'm talking about these people were old enough to where they still weren't sure about drums in church. You know what I mean? They go back to hand claps and tambourines.

Amena Brown:

Needless to say, Matt was getting what started out as some scowls and some eyebrows that were feeling concerned.

Matt:

These folks clapped on the one and the three.

Amena Brown:

Okay. Some of them just did not clap at all. Y'all feel me? So it went from-

Matt:

One lady clapped at me.

Amena Brown:

I was about to say, because it went from people looking like, "I don't think I like this," to them actually walking up and basically telling Matt off.

Matt:

That lady was mad at me.

Amena Brown:

She gave you all her heat about-

Matt:

The business.

Amena Brown:

... how loud it was and you need to turn it down.

Matt:

She could have thawed the bus back out with that heat.

Amena Brown:

I'm going to tell y'all, I am very protective about my husband. I do not like people talking sideways to my man. Can Matt handle himself? Absolutely. Most people going to look at Matt and they don't want to tussle with him. They going to size him up and say, "No, this is not what I want to tussle with." But that doesn't stop me from feeling like I need to step in if I feel like somebody's talking sideways.

Matt:

There's been a couple of old ladies you've really saved me from over the years though.

Amena Brown:

Boy, this silver hair lady, the way she was getting with you. I'm like, "The people literally brought us here. It's not a surprise."

Matt:

I don't remember word for word. It's been long enough. I've forgotten and forgave in my heart.

Amena Brown:

Amen. Amen.

Matt:

But she came at me in a way. She was like, "When you are playing that ruckus, I cannot hear what she's saying. I wanted to hear what she's saying." The truth of the matter is there's a sound man in the back who is mixing. I really have a very limited understanding of what I can hear from where I am on the stage. So I'm playing things at a certain volume. But once it gets beyond me, when it comes to mixing, there's a mixing board in the back of the house.

There's someone who does that, and it's not me. But in my customer service and in my trying to treat people like, hey, that's somebody's grandma. You know what I'm saying? Yo, man, I got a grandma, and she might not know how a mixing board works either. So I try to give people that grace. So I just did my customer service. "Yes, ma'am. I'm so sorry. Yes, ma'am. Oh my goodness. Yes, yes, yes."

Amena Brown:

Boy.

Matt:

She was mad at me.

Amena Brown:

I also want to let y'all know a moment that me and Matt both ... Most times on the road, if something went awry, one of us is mad and the job of the other person is to hold space for that person's anger and to try to be with them as they calm down. Every now and then, something comes up that makes us both so mad-

Matt:

That's problems.

Amena Brown:

... that then we have to stay in the hotel or whatever space we have to ourselves. Which truthfully, when you're on a bus tour, the space you have to yourself is very little-

Matt:

Very minimal.

Amena Brown:

... because it's not like we're on a tour bus and we have a little section of the bus that's just for us. All the beds are in the same area.

Matt:

Y'all stacked on top of each other, three deep.

Amena Brown:

Yes, it's three beds stacked on top of each other. And then it's probably two or three rows of that. So it was probably 12 beds probably in the bus, 12 beds-ish. So it's not like you have a whole lot of space to go to and cuss or whatever you feel.

Matt:

You can't roll over on the bus in your bunk.

Amena Brown:

The other thing that's wild regarding how people respond to deejays is people always have their own concept of deejaying that is typically not what happens in real life.

Matt:

When people walk up to me and start doing the deejay hands-

Amena Brown:

No.

Matt:

... where both hands are going back and forth in the wiki-wiki motion.

Amena Brown:

When they start making the wiki-wiki, yikes, no, no. So Christmas, you need to speak to this, babe, because holiday parties are already a fascinating thing to deejay if the request is that you play all holiday-themed music. But then if you take that down to now you're in a church setting because if you take me back out to holiday music, you've got (singing). You got some options.

Matt:

There's a few jams, Mariah Carey. (singing)

Amena Brown:

Yeah. You got some things. That narrows your playing field anyways though.

Matt:

There's maybe eight Christmas songs that have multiple variations. How many variations of This Christmas are there? But we only want to hear one.

Amena Brown:

That's right. Shout out to Donny Hathaway, big facts.

Matt:

We only want to hear one. If you play the whole thing, you've taken up about three and a half minutes.

Amena Brown:

If you are now narrowing down that playing field to those aren't holiday songs, those are Christmas songs, and those are Christmas songs that people want to hear in a church.

Matt:

Because you can't play some Santa Claus.

Amena Brown:

Those are out.

Matt:

Maybe Jingle Bells. But you can't do some Frosty the Snowman. So you take those eight songs. Now you down to about three or four. Away in a Manger is a beautiful song. It's a beautiful story. Everything's great, but-

Amena Brown:

It don't jam.

Matt:

Yeah. You know what's a good one? (singing)

Amena Brown:

Okay. Kirk Franklin did give us one. Kirk Franklin gave us a strong one. Fred Hammond, shout out to gospel music.

Matt:

Santa Claus ain't got nothing on this.

Amena Brown:

I'm sorry about it. I don't know what CCM music is doing with Christmas songs. Gospel music has plenty of Christmas jams. I don't know what CCM is doing as far as Christmas jams. So imagine Matt's playing field, what is allowed to be played, is now very narrow because now we're talking about Christmas songs that are about Jesus. Now, we are getting some feedback from the organization after we do the tour for a couple of nights.

They're giving us some feedback. Let me tell you what you don't want to hear is people walking up to you as an artist after you did a Christian type event and saying, "Hey, so are you open to some feedback?" When I was younger I would be like, "Yeah," because I always felt like maybe they'll tell me something. Maybe I'll grow. Now that I'm older, I'm like, "Hell nah. Whatever your feedback is, no."

Matt:

I'm like, "Let's roll the dice." You never know what what's about to happen.

Amena Brown:

The feedback for Matt was that what he was mixing was not what they expected. They were expecting to get mixes that were going to blend in Bing Crosby. Have y'all ever been at a dance party and danced to Bing Crosby? I want y'all to write me and tell me in DMs if you ever did the wobble to Bing Crosby.

Matt:

And again, a part of the story is that we thought we were coming into perform for a much younger audience. So all the prep work, any remixes that I built, anything like that was with the idea that we were performing for who we were seeing in the videos. So we get there and it's a much older crowd and it's, "You're playing too loud."

Amena Brown:

What is you wanting Matt to do with ... Bing Crosby just threw us all off. The way the person walked up to Matt to give him this feedback, I feel like Matt, as y'all may know from this podcast, but if you don't, my husband is a very laid back person. It takes a lot to get him to where he's mad, mad, mad. I don't know where we went because I don't remember that there was a hotel to go to.

Matt:

I remember this conversation happened because the person said to me, "When I was younger, I used to go to raves. At the raves, they could mix anything." But what was also being said to me was that, "The music you're playing is too danceable. It's too high energy. It's too fun." I'm thinking, "You brought me here."

Amena Brown:

As literally a deejay. As literally a deejay. I don't get it.

Matt:

Yeah. You brought me here. You know what I do. But okay. There were a couple of back and forths where it was like ... There's still customer service to this job. There's a lot of customer service to this job. So, okay, I hear you. Okay, let me see if I can interpret this vague thing that you've just said to me and do something exact with your vagueness. So let me try to do this thing next city.

So we had gone back and forth to where I was like, "I don't know how to ..." I think what happened was one night I actually did give them ... I played exactly what they had asked for. That's what happened. They were like, "Well, that actually wasn't quite what we were looking for." So it was like, "Okay, so don't use danceable drums, but can you remix out of this pool of three to four songs in this hour-long set that you've got, but don't make it danceable and just make it less." Also, I think it was the way the person was talking to me.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, for sure. For sure.

Matt:

It was very patronized, very talking down, very like, "You don't know." That's fine. I'm a pretty laid back, easygoing person. I'm not rattled very easily. But that one got me. It was enough back and forth, and it was enough of the way that person was talking with me that I remember when it was the next weekend that we were dropped off for the weekend. We were in that mall, and that's when we called back to-

Amena Brown:

Who was our manager at the time. It just makes my chest tight thinking about it because, y'all, I'm going to tell you. I took offense to a lot of that because, at the end of the day, there are certain things that people don't necessarily think of, I would say, the grand, mainstream people out there do not think of as being a skill, and deejaying is one of them.

People look at deejaying and literally think like, "Oh yeah, I could do that. I used to do that when I was in college. I used to ..." It takes a lot of skill. I was through the roof about it because I was like, "My husband is not somebody who just woke up yesterday and was like, "I think I'll deejay." He'd been deejaying at that point almost 15 years and almost 20 now. So I was through the roof about that.

But let me tell y'all one thing that really stuck me about the conversation that that person had with you. When they said to you, "Back in my day, when I was going to the raves," that almost took me out. Let me tell you why. Let me tell y'all why right now.

Even though when Matt and I performed in Christian market and we shared stage with a lot of other Christian artists at the time, some of those artists were people that if they posted they were drinking wine on their social media, people would be in their mentions talking wild to them. Basically, they feel like they're not Christian because they were drinking.

Matt:

It was a tough time.

Amena Brown:

Let me tell y'all something. Me and Matt been drinking, and me and Matt-

Matt:

Responsibly.

Amena Brown:

Responsibly, obviously. But not obviously because some people don't. We were drinking responsibly and legally. But we were people who had a drink. We were people who were still going to the club. People who knew us knew that that's the type of people we were. Yes, I'm going to go here, and I'm going to do my thing at this Christian event. When we get back, if the club that we like to go to was open, yes, we go there and we dance.

So no, what you're asking him to do, I don't care whatever the rave was doing back in the day, what you're asking him to do is not how the club right now is. So get out of here.

Matt:

And we are currently not in a club, not performing for young people. Also, I don't want to bring it back up, but you said that what I was playing was too danceable.

Amena Brown:

What's a deejay for? What's a deejay supposed to be Doing?

Matt:

So the reference to, first of all, back in my day, I know I was older than this person.

Amena Brown:

Was and was and was.

Matt:

But that's all right. But the reference to back in my day when I went to the raves, what were you going to the raves to do?

Amena Brown:

Dance, boy.

Matt:

To dance with young people. We don't have those ingredients here.

Amena Brown:

No, at all.

Matt:

You have set me up. That's a time where I learned I need to start asking some questions, not just, "You're going to pay me to come do the same thing." That was awesome. But that money, oh, wow.

Amena Brown:

No. After the experience we had, it's like if I had known that, I would have given it back. I would have rather have had a broke Christmas that we still could have been with our family and been at home and enjoyed our time together-

Matt:

Bought a bag of rubber bands and gave everybody one.

Amena Brown:

Good night.

Matt:

Here's your rubber band.

Amena Brown:

Good night.

Matt:

Here's your rubber band.

Amena Brown:

Period. I would have rather had that than had that money at that point.

Matt:

That is a pretty good gift idea though, because what is more fun than a rubber band?

Amena Brown:

Babe. Also, my last reflection is that I had just had to start making some dietary changes right before we went to this tour. You remember this, Babe?

Matt:

We have so many quotables from this one tour.

Amena Brown:

I'm going to tell y'all right now. I was having some health challenges. So the medical professional that I was seeing at the time had given me these really strict dietary restrictions that I needed to do for my health. Part of what is supposed to be provided when you're on a tour is food because you can't get up there and perform every night without nutrients.

But the way my restrictions worked, we even had gone through and listed for organizations like, "Here are some national chains where Amena and Matt can eat. Here's their orders." I mean we had just tried to simplify it as much as possible. I remember multiple stops of this tour going into the green room to be what was supposed to be dinner and getting there and looking at everything that was on the menu.

One night, I remember the only thing I could eat was green beans. A couple of nights, all they had that I could have was salad. That was it. I remember the organization that was putting on the tour kept coming up and being like, "We just have salad for you. Is that okay? Is that okay? Is that okay?"

Matt:

Yeah. They kept asking you if it was okay.

Amena Brown:

I'm like, "You think me getting up here performing my heart out on romaine lettuce-"

Matt:

You just parked me at the mall for the weekends.

Amena Brown:

No, it's not okay.

Matt:

You just parked me at the mall. I've been looking at the same mall for three weekends in a row.

Amena Brown:

Oh my God, no. No.

Matt:

Yeah, yeah, sure. Salad, huh?

Amena Brown:

Y'all, Matt and I both have been in quite a few tour experiences. That one, for me, is by far the worst one.

Matt:

Easily. Hands down the worst.

Amena Brown:

I feel like herein is what we learned. Number one, I think that was the beginning of the end of you deejaying in Christian market.

Matt:

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. If there's not alcohol involved, then chances are people aren't there to have a good time. But chances are you can just play a playlist or whatever. That's cool. You know what I'm saying? I understand, look, everybody can't go where alcohol is. I know that some people have issues with it. It's a loaded topic. I get it. But if people are having something where specifically the point is to have a good time, I'm your dude.

Amena Brown:

Right. Mostly, that will not be in a church. Mostly, not in a church.

Matt:

No. No. Because you got to get that talk in. It makes the rock and roll okay. But you're going to pay for it by sitting down and listening to this talk.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. So I think, in part, we were trying to do what we were doing together on stage to see if that would gain some traction, which it did in a lot of places. We traveled on the road doing those performances together for a long time. But that tour, in particular, started to be, for me, that was the beginning of the end of us trying to figure out how you could be deejaying in that side of the industry.

Matt:

Yeah. No, they don't want it.

Amena Brown:

It was like, "Who cares? We don't need to try this anymore." I think it did put us in a position to be like, "There's some things that we're not going to take." There are plenty of things that that gig was like, "Honestly, that's the last time I'm taking that shit." That was the vibe that I felt at the moment.

Matt:

Remember the way this made you feel. Remember that soul-sucking experience and be like, you can do this again if you want to or just say no.

Amena Brown:

Or just say no.

Matt:

Just say no.

Amena Brown:

I think as an artist, there's a part of you that's always excited for people to ask you to do your thing. Even now for both of us, it's like that request that you get, your first feeling as an artist is not about how much money. That's not the first thought. Your typical first thought is someone's asking.

Matt:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

But now that we both have more experience, then you got them questions after that. If this is for an organization, what are they about? Is that what I'm about? Is that what I want to be onstage next to? Are those people I want to be sharing stage with? Is the money paying for the inconvenience of my time? Is it paying for the fact that I'm not going to be at my home? I am going to have to navigate whatever city this is in.

Matt:

The hoops I'm going to have to jump, how difficult it is to get into your building, all of those things.

Amena Brown:

All that stuff. So it did become this unfortunate lesson, but I'm going to tell y'all what. That was also, I think, one of the last times that we traveled around the holiday like that.

Matt:

You're right.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. That was one of the last ones. After that, we have enjoyed a lot of wonderful time at home, letting the year slow down. Now, Matt's deejaying still, but in better environments now. So he has some Christmas parties he has to deejay. He's had a lot of New Year's Eves that he's had to deejay.

But you know what? The plus to that is he's going to come home to our house at night versus when we would go on the road. And then you're gone all those days or whatever it is. Another time may come that the road may pick back up for us, and we'll navigate that, too. But right now, I'm enjoying the fact that, as we record this, we about to be decorating our Christmas tree.

We're about to spend time with our families and cook food in the house, and that is much better than being in a hotel across from a mall. Anyways, y'all, whatever your holidays are that you celebrate, even if you don't and you're just celebrating the end of the year, we hope that you will enjoy your life. Be with some people that you love. Listen to some music that brings joy to you.

We hope that you'll have some time to reflect at the end of this year and think about the things you made it through, the things you survived. If you're listening, just know that Matt and I are glad you're here. We're glad you're listening. We're glad we've all made it through what's been a tough year or couple of years. So, cheers to you all, and we'll be back soon with some more road stories.

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 95

Amena Brown:

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to a new episode of HER with Amena Brown, and we are another installment in a new series that my husband and podcast producer, Matt, and I have been doing, Road Stories. We've been telling y'all a little bit about what our life was like in the before times, when we were people who were on the road all the time. So, shout out to those of you who are listening, who know road life, whether you are a person who travels for work, or you may be an artist that traveled like we did. So, we wanted to share with y'all a couple of perks, I would say, that we've received from traveling on the road. So, hey, babe.

Matt Owen:

Hey, been some good times. Yeah, we got some good stories to tell.

Amena Brown:

Okay. So, the first one that came to my mind was, we got booked in Vegas, one year, to do a college gig, and college gigs ... I was about to say that it's one of my favorite gigs, and then I thought to myself, is that true?

Matt Owen:

It's funny because people do ask me, have you ever DJed in Vegas? And I'd be like, "Well ... "

Amena Brown:

Kind of.

Matt Owen:

When you think DJ in Vegas, you think that [synth sounds] in this big room with pyrotechnics, and I've done that before, just not in Vegas.

Amena Brown:

That's true. That's true. And college gigs are interesting because I've done two types of college gig. I've done college gigs that were related in some way to Christian colleges or organizations that were doing events for Christians who were in college or college age. And then, I have done your mainstream, college institutions that weren't faith-based in that way. And there are parts of it that I do really love. I love college students as a crowd. I love talking to them. Of all of the developmental stages from elementary school up through college, college is my favorite of those. So, I do love it, but I will tell you, there's always a little something interesting about a college gig.

Matt Owen:

Always just that little ... Yeah.

Amena Brown:

There's always something. When I did college gigs, and actually, Matt and I, right before we got married, did a couple of my last, what I would say is, mainstream college gigs together, when we went to Broward, Florida area. Before we got married, we did some of those gigs together, which still, for the reasons I said, were a lot of fun.

But when you're doing just mainstream schools that are not in any way Christian-related, what tends to be tricky about those is those college gigs, in a lot of ways, tend to be very flat-rate based, which I think we talked a little bit about this, in the sense that they will say, "Herein is a flat rate. We're going to pay you to come to our school because we don't want to deal with reimbursements afterwards. We don't want to be responsible for booking flights or hotels."

So, you would really want your college agent to think very hard about it before they tell the rate to the school because there could be times that you thought you were going to get paid this much, and by the time you subtract yourself getting there and where you're going to stay and what you're going to eat, you're like, "This isn't as much money."

Matt Owen:

You learn some hard lessons that way, definitely.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. So, I remember when we had that gig in South Florida, one of those last, mainstream college gigs, I remember that we drove down there, and that was a nine-hour drive. Why would you ever do a nine-hour drive to a gig? Because you can't afford to pay to fly down there, and that's a hard part. That's a hard part.

Matt Owen:

Nothing leaves you fresh to hit the stage like a nine-hour drive. Oowee.

Amena Brown:

Big yikes. And then, on the side of our experiences at either Christian colleges or events that were supposed to be for Christians that went to college, that part was where a lot of checks just ended up in a weird place. I feel like those college gigs, there'd be somebody that was over at the chapel, that books you for this, and everything went great during chapel.

Sometimes, Matt and I would perform together because we had our show we were doing together that we talked about last episode. We'd perform together, and everything would go great. Students loved it. Especially when you're doing chapel at a Christian school, they're used to mostly people who are coming there to drone on and on or preach to them. They're just sleeping, or whatever they got-

Matt Owen:

The most regular comment I remember, from you doing chapels, was, "Wow. Way more people stayed awake than usually do." That was a big compliment.

Amena Brown:

I'm like, "What are y'all doing here that that's the compliment you're giving us?"

Matt Owen:

Yo.

Amena Brown:

So, everything would go super great. And sometimes, they would take us out to lunch afterwards, or sometimes, we'd have lunch with students, which is one of my favorite things to do. But either way, there's that moment where you're walking away. If Matt had DJed, he's wheeling his equipment out to the car. We're packed up all the merch, grabbing all the merch to leave. And there's that moment where you're like, "Hey." There's a lot of savvy ways an artist is trying to find out how you're about to get paid. My favorite one of choice was, "Hey, is there anything else you need from us? Any other paperwork or anything like that?" Because that would typically trigger their minds to be like, "No. No, we've got all the paperwork we need from you." And then sometimes, their minds would go, "Yeah, no. And your check, I'm sure my assistant sent it."

Matt Owen:

I'm sure. I always like to ask, I go straight forward, "So, am I picking up a check from you, or is one being mailed?"

Amena Brown:

And I want y'all to know, a full disclosure, that for the most part, both of our contracts do not, not support, but do not suggest that mailing is what you should do.

Matt Owen:

No.

Amena Brown:

Both of our contracts suggest that, if you going to mail a check, you should mail it in advance, that I have traveled to you, and you have paid already.

Matt Owen:

And some people, they got to pay us as soon before we hit that stage. There's a couple folks that have taken us out for a few, nice lunches, and at dessert time, let us know, "I bet my assistant mailed it." Or the most common college one is, "See, our school just started using a new financing program."

Amena Brown:

Yikes.

Matt Owen:

What was it?"

Amena Brown:

They would say, "Our school just started using a new accounting system."

Matt Owen:

New accounting, that's what it is.

Amena Brown:

"So, everything's really in disarray. It's just chaos over there, so sorry."

Matt Owen:

We just got a new accounting system.

Amena Brown:

Yes. Yes.

Matt Owen:

And last time we were at your school, you just got a new accounting system in the time-

Amena Brown:

It ain't that many new accounting systems in the world. I don't care.

Matt Owen:

Use a spreadsheet, homie. Give my check.

Amena Brown:

I don't care. So, I'm going to tell y'all that college gigs on the Christian industry side were very squirrely regarding how you may or may not receive payment. And then, whenever someone said, "I bet my assistant sent it."

Matt Owen:

They never sent it.

Amena Brown:

Narrator-

Matt Owen:

They did not.

Amena Brown:

... the assistant did not.

Matt Owen:

Nope.

Amena Brown:

Narrator, we are going home, and now having to chase down said check.

Matt Owen:

And it's always the check that you really needed.

Amena Brown:

Listen.

Matt Owen:

You were like, "This check is coming, and rent, mortgage, whatever is coming. And it's a race to see who's going to get here first."

Amena Brown:

Yikes. It was always when you really needed that money that it never came. But the other times, when you live road life, you do sometimes have a time, especially when you're on the road a lot, and typically, for us, that busy time was that first quarter, into second quarter, was real busy. And then, we might have a couple months in the fall. Obviously, sometimes Black History Month would be a very busy time for me. You'd have those vibes.

So, sometimes, you would be on the road long enough that you're on the road, just depositing checks as you get them, so you really are having something of a surplus until you get home. And then, you have time that you're going to be home and not get as many checks, right? So, we experienced that part. But typically, when that was happening was not when you needed that money, and those checks came just fine. It was the moment where you really needed that money, when they looked at you and said, "Man, isn't that the best pie in this whole city? Whoo, I love that pie."

Matt Owen:

When they order dessert, you know that check ain't coming.

Amena Brown:

Yikes. They'll be like, "Listen." Right while you're eating that delicious apple pie, they'd be like, "Listen, it turns out we thought we were going to have the check for you today."

Matt Owen:

Got me full, first.

Amena Brown:

"But because of our new accounting system, we have to fill out more forms." And it really, for us just, sounds like wah wah wah wah wah, you're about to be broke. That's what it sounds like.

Matt Owen:

What's funny is, when they've got the check, that's when they give you the firm handshake. Here's your pamphlet or your packet that's got everything in it. See you later. Go feed yourself.

Amena Brown:

You bringing up a good point there.

Matt Owen:

But when they're taking you out and, "Oh, you're going to love this restaurant," that's the first red flag. And, "Oh, they've got the best ... " If they insert the name of pie or cake, that means that they're going to feed you, get you real full, and then be like, "Hey."

Amena Brown:

Yikes. Sorry about-

Matt Owen:

And I would like to bring back something that we talked about in a previous episode. Shout out to the time of the merch table.

Amena Brown:

Okay, because it will come through in the clutch.

Matt Owen:

Because in these moments-

Amena Brown:

Yes.

Matt Owen:

... you had some cash in hand, so that way, you could eat something on the way home. Or when you got home, if you needed to hit that grocery store or whatever it is, there was some ways that you could make it work. So, you know what, thank God for the merch table.

Amena Brown:

Okay, shout out to that. That's true about the merch table, especially because we would have runs of events that we would have happen, sometimes, where we would do a bunch of colleges in the southeast, for example. So, we might go on a run for almost two weeks that we weren't home, but we were driving to different gigs and stuff. And so, if you hit that one gig, where you were like, "We thought we were going to get a check there, and we didn't," but maybe we sold $500 of merch, that $500 is gas in the gas tank of your car or heaven help you, if that's a rental car, bless your heart, that's cash for you to eat food in between. So, shout out to the people who buy merch at artist events because you're helping for when the venues don't pay.

So, this first perk that we are talking to y'all about, in Vegas, was a college gig, was a Christian college gig, which I remember the event itself was actually a good time. I just remember leading up to the event, the event itself was on February 15th, and right as we were getting ready to book our flights and stuff, they were like, "Hey, we really need to have a meeting with y'all, so we can just go over the event logistics. Is it possible for y'all to fly in on the 14th." And there are some holidays, or if it falls on my birthday or Matt's birthday that, if they want us to fly in, I'm like, "Nah," because we don't want to spend our birthday or our anniversary or something in some town, in middle of no place. No. But Vegas on Valentine's Day? Okay.

Matt Owen:

Okay.

Amena Brown:

And we didn't even know what our plans were going to be or anything. But Valentine's Day is important to us, as a couple. Neither of us are people who, for the most part, are very big on posting a lot about Valentine's Day. I tend to feel our anniversary is more of my time that I might want to share on socials. But Valentine's Day is still very important to both of us, even though-

Matt Owen:

I say same. I say same that our anniversary is when I post a picture of us, which very interestingly, is when I get the most likes, so I just really might switch my account over just to be, "Here's pictures of Amena," which I understand. And then, my birthday, I would say, or our birthdays, we post about each other.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Matt Owen:

I would say, on my birthday, that's the one time of year I log in to Facebook.

Amena Brown:

Boy.

Matt Owen:

Because then, your mom and dad and they friends and people you knew from way back then, they all say, "Happy birthday." You just give them a little ... Also, I noticed this, last time, because I hadn't been on Facebook in a long time. You can only like so many comments, so many posts, in one day. I don't remember how many, but Facebook popped up and said, "You've reached your limit." And I said, "We have reached our limit," logged back out of Facebook.

Amena Brown:

I've reached my limit in more ways than one with you, Facebook.

Matt Owen:

And I'm out.

Amena Brown:

Big facts. So, we love a good Valentine's Day. But I was like, "Hmm. Valentine's Day in Vegas could be kind of interesting. Sure, we'll come in early." So, we booked our flights, flew in that morning. Oh my gosh, this just occurred to me, another amazing Valentine's Day story, but I'm going to come back to it. I'm going to come back to it.

Matt Owen:

Okay, bonus episode.

Amena Brown:

Okay. Okay. So, we fly in, go in for the meeting, and I'm not really sure what to expect of the meeting because it really depends how produced the event is, how intense that meeting's going to be. Sometimes, they're saying, "Come in early," because they want Matt to go ahead and load in his equipment. They want us to soundcheck. They want us to rehearse. This could be anywhere from a 10-minute meeting to taking an hour or two, depending on what the situation is. So, we don't know. We just-

Matt Owen:

I always think the intro meetings are kind of funny, when it comes to me.

Amena Brown:

Yeah?

Matt Owen:

Typically, it's going to be, "Okay, before anything starts, we're going to need some music. That's you." And what's funny is, in some spaces, most of the time, I'd say, the Christian spaces, they'd be like, "So, we're going to have you up there for 15 minutes. Is that going to be okay?" I'm like, "Yeah."

Amena Brown:

Yikes.

Matt Owen:

"I do four hour sets on the regular. 15 minutes? I bet I can come up with 15 minutes for your crowd. Okay." So, that's usually what it is. "Here is the place where nothing's happening. That's you."

Amena Brown:

Man.

Matt Owen:

Got it.

Amena Brown:

It's like that's-

Matt Owen:

Be in there.

Amena Brown:

... how you know that a lot of folks who are at especially these types of white, evangelical events, are not people who party because that's the only way they can think that a DJ works in a space, is they're like, "Okay, we're going to have 15 minutes of worship music that are just going to play in the house, and then we're going to abruptly cut off that music. And that's you. That's 15 minutes. And then, you going to abruptly stop playing. We going to abruptly turn off your volume so that somebody can come and play guitar, which is totally going to take all of the energy out of the room."

Matt Owen:

It's like they're like, "All right, we want people on 10." So, I was like, "I got you. Give me two turntables and a microphone and a crowd. I'm going to have y'all chanting, clapping. Let's go." And sometimes, there's some production going on, and they're like, "All right, we want you to count backwards, count them all down, get them all just rah." So, we'll be like "3, 2, 1. Ah." And then, some guitar comes in. Hroom, chinga, chinga, chinga, ching.

Amena Brown:

Oh my gosh. It's so anticlimactic, y'all. Whereas, now, what Matt's DJ sets are like, it's like he's DJing at a place where people actually came there to party. So, 15 minutes is no time. He's DJing there for four hours, taking people on this whole journey, so that would always make us laugh, when they would be like, "Is 15 minutes going to be okay?" And he's looking at them like, "What you mean? 15 minutes is-"

Matt Owen:

So, the pre-meeting is usually just a bunch of me going, "Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good. That sounds good. I got you."

Amena Brown:

Sure. Yep. So, we go to the meeting, and I really don't remember what we talked about at the meeting for this event. I just remember that it was over very quickly. It was a 20-minute meeting, and we were both like, "So, there's nothing else y'all need from us?" They didn't want us to load in or anything until the next day, so we were like, "Okay." And they were like, "Yeah, just go enjoy the day or whatever." So, Matt and I looked at each other like, "What?" We were like, "Let's hurry up and leave before they think about something else they might want us to do." So, we left, and I think we weren't staying at what would be your traditional, Vegas hotel. I think they had us staying in a place where it was more condo-like, almost.

Matt Owen:

I think you're right. I think you're right.

Amena Brown:

And so, wherever we were staying, they had a little program or something, where they sometimes had discounted tickets to shows. So, we get back to the hotel, and we're like, "Man, we're in Vegas. What should we do?" So, we look through the packet from whatever this condo place was and find a little thing in there that was like, "You can call this number or go to this website," whatever it was, "And you could get discounted tickets to see The Beatles LOVE." And I was like, "That would be so perfect." And I think we had packed some clothes because, at this point of both of our careers, as far as us doing college and high school events, we were wearing tracksuits and sneaks.

Matt Owen:

Yep. Same.

Amena Brown:

This is not a dressed-up environment, but I think we had both packed something, just in case we decided to go out to dinner or whatever. And we were like, "Oh my gosh, I cannot believe we're about to go see The Beatles LOVE on the Valentine's Day."

Matt Owen:

Cirque du Soleil, doing the Beatles LOVE.

Amena Brown:

Yo.

Matt Owen:

Wow.

Amena Brown:

For a discount, y'all. Wow. So, we went, and it was one of my favorite things.

Matt Owen:

Beautiful.

Amena Brown:

Oh my gosh.

Matt Owen:

It was absolutely stunning the amount of audio that they had of the guys in the studio, talking through things and stuff, and I just recently watched through The Beatles documentary that they had on Apple+. Back in December, I had COVID and had to quarantine off from you, so I had nothing but time and watched through the longest documentary. And it took my brain back to us sitting there, watching, and listening. And then, of course, at the same time that you're hearing these guys talk about this music they're going to make, or these, to us, never been heard before clips, and then, you're also seeing Cirque du Soleil performers-

Amena Brown:

Man.

Matt Owen:

... pull off the most amazing things and the most beautiful light show. And you're like, how did we get here?

Amena Brown:

Man. Man, that was amazing.

Matt Owen:

I think I ate a steak that night also.

Amena Brown:

Yo, I forgot about that though because we went to eat. I wish I could remember which restaurant we went to. But I remember you had steak, and I remember I had Chilean sea bass.

Matt Owen:

Oof.

Amena Brown:

And there are a few dishes in the world that, for some reason, when you eat that, you're like, "And now, I'm a rich person." And Chilean sea bass, for me-

Matt Owen:

I think it's the Chilean part.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. It's like, "And now, I'm wealthy for 20 minutes."

Matt Owen:

If it was Forest Park sea bass-

Amena Brown:

You'd be like, "Yikes."

Matt Owen:

... I'd be like, "Uh."

Amena Brown:

Or if it was lake sea bass, then automatically now, you're like, "Yikes, no." But Chilean sea bass, you're like, "Yes, here I am. I'm rich."

Matt Owen:

Are there other types of bass that aren't sea bass?

Amena Brown:

I feel like yes because I feel like Bass Pro Shops is telling me that there must be a lot of more generalized bass that's out there.

Matt Owen:

Man. Man.

Amena Brown:

And really, truthfully, Chilean sea bass could be also very generalized, but because we don't live in Chile, it sound like we having something. Because maybe people from another place would be like, "Ooh, Forest Park sea bass." They might think that's a vibe. Either way, it came in parchment, y'all. Wow.

Matt Owen:

Wow.

Amena Brown:

I was rich for 20 minutes.

Matt Owen:

Wow, wow, wow.

Amena Brown:

Please.

Matt Owen:

Remember the candy shop we went to?

Amena Brown:

That's right.

Matt Owen:

It was a fill up your own bag of candy.

Amena Brown:

Y'all, please. No.

Matt Owen:

And when I tell you we went in there with no concept of how much was too much.

Amena Brown:

Nah. Nah. You don't want to see two people like us in there, wilding, because the way the little things were made, it was like you put a bag up to it, and then it had a lever where it just starts [noise] candy in the bag.

Matt Owen:

We might as well have been a couple of 10-year-olds in that thing, just-

Amena Brown:

Please, I'm pretty sure we got back to the room, and I was like ... It was like I just lost myself for a minute, in the candy store because we go back to the room, and I was like, "Why did I pick this candy? For what? I never eat this. What was I doing?" Very exciting times.

Matt Owen:

We were living our best candy life.

Amena Brown:

Very exciting times.

Matt Owen:

We were in Vegas.

Amena Brown:

And that was us, in Vegas, having an extra almost 24 hours before we had to go work the event, the next day. That was an amazing perk. Fantastic. I also would like to bring into the chat our anniversary because we have been people that, because we were on the road a lot, and I think where we were financially at that time, too, we couldn't really afford to take a separate vacation. We couldn't afford, for many years, to travel and say, "Herein, we're just going to take a trip for personal reasons."

Matt Owen:

Nah.

Amena Brown:

We couldn't afford to do that, so we were always looking for how we can get a gig, either near the place where we wanted to go, or sometimes, it was the opposite way. A gig came in close to our anniversary, and we were like, "Can we make that work? Can we figure it out?" So, a gig came in, in Florida, and it was very close to our anniversary. I want to say it was maybe two days before or something, and we were like, "Do we want to take this gig?" And then we were like, "Yeah."

Matt Owen:

Because there are definitely some gigs that we said yes to because it was near an anniversary, a birthday, a Valentine's. We're like, we could go to somewhere we could not have otherwise gone to, at that time, for sure.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Because at least it's like, if you're there for a gig, the gig is helping pay for you to travel there. The gig is helping pay for part of your lodging or whatever while you're there.

Matt Owen:

Might be a per diem.

Amena Brown:

Might be some per diem. Might be the merch table-

Matt Owen:

Might be the merch table.

Amena Brown:

... or something, to help you get gas to get wherever. And then sometimes, you would have this huge, wonderful moment, where you would actually get a check, bless your heart, before you left the gig. So then, you could put that check in the bank-

Matt Owen:

My God.

Amena Brown:

... and then have money to add to your personal account, right? But sometimes it didn't go like that. You thought you was going to get that check, and then you didn't. And now you like, "We out here now. We got to figure it out."

Matt Owen:

Sometimes, I would try to psych our bank account out and be like, "I don't even want this check," as a way of trying to will them into paying us on time. I thought-

Amena Brown:

Man.

Matt Owen:

... I don't even need this check.

Amena Brown:

We don't even need that check.

Matt Owen:

I don't even care nothing about this little check.

Amena Brown:

I ain't even looking for that check, but I'm very much looking for that check.

Matt Owen:

But when that check didn't come up, it was like, I was looking for it.

Amena Brown:

Sad. So, we had a gig. There were a few things about the gig that we took, right there near our anniversary, that number one, I'm pretty sure we never did again, and that we had concerns about. But we were like, "We accept this because we're trying to see what we can make happen here." This was a youth event, and this was towards the end of our time doing youth events because I think we both got to a point where we were like, "Herein, we are people who we don't want to be doing youth events anymore. We're not built for that life anymore." So, this was a youth event. I also want to bring into our conversation, today, that this youth event was a lock-in.

Matt Owen:

Man, what were we doing?

Amena Brown:

Big yikes. And for those of you who grew up in church settings, I really don't know any other setting, outside of church, where students were doing lock-ins. Do you?

Matt Owen:

I can't think of any other organization that's like, "Here's what we want you to do. Let your kids come and drink Mountain Dew all night and eat pizza."

Amena Brown:

And eat pizza.

Matt Owen:

"Your child, who you struggle to entertain, please drop a bunch of them off with me and let me entertain them all night. What's the worst that could happen?"

Amena Brown:

Yikes. And I want to particularly speak to this because, when Matt and I got married, Matt was a youth pastor at a church where they were doing an annual lock-in. I also-

Matt Owen:

That was my fault. That was my fault.

Amena Brown:

Okay. You added this to the program.

Matt Owen:

I'm the one who brought that back. The dude who was there previous to me, he's like, "What are you doing?" And I was like, "I don't know." The pastor was like, "What are you doing?" And I was like, "I don't ... " But it was fun. It was fun. And also, because I am an extrovert, and I'm cool with being around people 24/7, and my goal has always been just to stay a little more random than the middle-school-aged kids, and so that kind of kept me ahead of the wave. And so, I was like, "All right, so if we going to be running all night, I want you to be trying to catch up with me. Let's go."

Amena Brown:

Yo.

Matt Owen:

The wild thing is, it would never fail that, the next morning-

Amena Brown:

Yikes.

Matt Owen:

... after I've been up for 24 hours with your kid, somebody was going to text me, be like, "Hey, can you bring my child home?" So, not only are you asking me to hang out ... I guess I asked for it. I did ask for it. I'll take that part. But you were like, "I think it's a good idea. Let's drop my kid off with this dude over here and a whole bunch of kids. What's the worst that could go wrong?" But then be like, "You haven't had any sleep."

Amena Brown:

The best thing for you-

Matt Owen:

"Would you drive my kid home?"

Amena Brown:

Once, I remember we were dating through one of those lock-ins, and when you shared that with me, I was like, "Say what?" But then, once we got married, and it's like, we now are living in the same household, and I'm watching, in general, how much you're giving to the kids and everything. And now, I'm like, I'm checking in with you, throughout the night and whatever, to see how the lock-in's going, and now, I'm just hearing how exhausted you are. And now, you done got the whole church straightened back up, done got everybody out. Except now there's two or three students, just lingering here.

Matt Owen:

Ain't no parent, nowhere.

Amena Brown:

And you are either texting, calling, the kids texting, calling, trying to find out this, that, where their parent is. Finally, hear from them after you waited an extra hour, to be like, "I'm sorry about that. My phone died. Can you just go ahead and drop so-and-so off?" And I'm like, "So, you want my exhausted husband, after he been with your kid all night ... " Okay, so I just want to give y'all, that's a idea of a little bit-

Matt Owen:

A sneak peek into a lock-in.

Amena Brown:

... of how a lock-in goes. I grew up in church with lock-ins, too, but Matt always laughs because our youth staff was not playing. You's fixing to go to sleep. You not going to be ... They really were afraid of us having sex in the building, to be honest. And so, at a certain point, they just separated everybody, and they were like, "The boys over here, the girls over here." And they basically had two or three very stern moms pacing the whole lock-in like, "You fixing to go to sleep. You've been a ... " So, that was my lock-in experience.

So, why two people who knew how a lock-in could be, agreed to be the talent to perform at said lock-in is literally because we wanted to be able to afford a little anniversary trip. So, y'all, we went to this gig, and we were the performance before the kids ... Because part of a lock in is there's a certain amount of time that the kids just get to go and just do whatever the activities are. They get to go play basketball, play board games, just hang out. So, we were the thing they had to sit through before they got to go have fun.

The way they had the room set up, I remember it was standing room only. I don't recommend that for when Matt and I are performing together, and I definitely don't recommend it when I'm performing alone. Had they just invited Matt to DJ, Matt got that. You can do standing room, but spoken word and DJing?

Matt Owen:

I feel strange DJing when people are just sitting down, if it's just me.

Amena Brown:

Right.

Matt Owen:

Now, if we're taking them through a program or performance, that's all right, but if it's just me, I'm like, "What these seats for?"

Amena Brown:

No, yikes. So, these kids are in suburban-wherever Florida. They are staring at us like we are green, from another planet, that we are literally the color green, and we are not from Earth. We are from some other planet that they don't know about.

Matt Owen:

We do not know what's happening, and we are not into it.

Amena Brown:

These students arms are crossed. There's literally either a scowl, or there's a I just don't understand what I'm looking at. That was our audience for 45 minutes. For 45 minutes, y'all. And then, after we get off stage, after just trying to perform our guts out to a crowd of people who did not want to hear it, the church people had the nerve to be like, "Y'all are welcome to stay and hang out." Huh?

Matt Owen:

See, we got to get back. Our manager has us going to a-

Amena Brown:

We were like, "No. First of all, we want to stay and hang out at a youth lock-in? No."

Matt Owen:

You don't want to stay, so I for sure don't want to stay. I'm out of here.

Amena Brown:

Okay, exactly. Don't rope me into this. I don't want to do this. No.

Matt Owen:

Can you hand me the check, and then I give you the answer?

Amena Brown:

Okay, because we trying to get that check, for real, for real. So, we had booked, in advance, a beach condo. I remember it was literally right on the beach. We could walk downstairs, out of our little condo. So, this was the only reason we endured this entire thing, was so we could leave that youth event. I think we stayed in whatever the hotel was that they had booked for the night. And then, we drove to our little beach condo, and we had a few days on the beach. And we got to see the Dalí Museum.

Matt Owen:

We did.

Amena Brown:

And there are a very small number of art museums that are dedicated to one artist, and so the Dalí Museum is one of that small number. And to get to see Dalí's work in person, that was worth it.

Matt Owen:

It was worth it. Worth it. I think, if I remember correctly, I had just gotten this monkey tattoo on my arm.

Amena Brown:

Oh my gosh, that's right.

Matt Owen:

Remember? And it jogged my memory when you talking about us going to the beach because I remember I had it wrapped, and I had to get some sort of ... I think we had gone to a grocery store, and I got one of those plastic bags. And I just wrapped it around it, and I had to try to hold my arm above my head because I'm going to get in the ocean. So, anyways, never get a tattoo right before going to do a lock-in, right before going to the beach. However, the Dalí Museum, worth it.

Amena Brown:

Worth it. Totally worth it. And y'all, my husband loves the beach. Okay. I have been to the beach way more times than I would have, if we were not together, so when we could, on our anniversary, I like to see if we can go to a place where there's a beach because I know he loves it. So, it was hilarious seeing you like, "I don't care. I got this tattoo. I'm getting in the ocean, even if I have to hold my arm all the way up."

Matt Owen:

Bonus, at the Dalí Museum, they were having an MC Escher exhibit.

Amena Brown:

Yes. He was a fantastic visual artist also.

Matt Owen:

One of my favorite artists, not even realizing, you grow up, buy a sketch pad. It had a picture of one of MC Escher's works probably on the front of the sketch pad.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Yeah.

Matt Owen:

And you're like, "Oh my gosh, this is that artist." And you're starting to see more of their work, and how he did ... And you're like, I still, to this day, have a T-shirt that I got from that trip. It's one of my favorite, prize possession T-shirts that I own. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

And we have a print too.

Matt Owen:

You're right.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Y'all, this is probably going to help us because we would get prints and different things from places and just never get them framed to put them up.

Matt Owen:

We got to get a frame for that.

Amena Brown:

So, yeah. We got to get a frame for that too.

Matt Owen:

That had to have been a decade ago, maybe.

Amena Brown:

We have a very nice MC Escher piece that we still haven't put up in the house, so let's work on that.

Matt Owen:

Okey-dokey.

Amena Brown:

Okay. One last perk that is very relevant because we are still in a pandemic currently, is I got booked to host a podcast, to host a limited podcast series, and I'd had to go to New York to record. When did I have to go, y'all? February of 2020, so many things that I did not know at all were about to happen in life. And Matt wasn't supposed to come with me. The organization or the company that had asked me to do it, they had money for me to fly there. They had a certain rate they were going to pay me. And so, Matt and I were looking at our budget, and we were like, "I think we need to splurge, and you should come with me." And the hotel was very nice where we were staying, and so be, y'all-

Matt Owen:

Oh my gosh, you could see the Statue of Liberty across the water from the room. Wow, that was a nice view.

Amena Brown:

It was amazing. So, I think I had to be there two days, so they were providing two nights. And then, we decided to pay for ourselves to stay an additional two or three nights.

Matt Owen:

Because remember, they put us in a room, and then we couldn't afford the room that they put us in. So, we had to get our stuff and move it to another room.

Amena Brown:

That's right, to move it to a smaller one. Bless our hearts. We did what we could with our resources, at the time, because look.

Matt Owen:

Made it work.

Amena Brown:

So, one of the things ... Normally, first of all, y'all, I'm a big New York person. It is one of my favorite cities to visit. It is very much a mojo city for me. I just always leave that city with so much clarity. I've talked about that a lot on the podcast already. So, New York is one of those places like LA. There's literally 1,000 things that you could do, if you're there for two or three days, and I've traveled there enough to know that, if you have two or three days, it's almost better to pick one thing that you're like, "This is what we really, really have to make sure we do," or two things, and that's it. Because if you pick 10 things, five things, you're going to totally overwhelm yourself. So, my one thing was, I really wanted to go see a Broadway show because I don't think you and I had been to a Broadway show together.

Matt Owen:

I had never been to a Broadway show. That's the only one I've ever been to, so yeah.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, so that was my one thing. And then, RIP for Century 21, the store, because that was always my second thing that I'm like, "I want to see a Broadway show. I want to shop at Century 21." It closed during the pandemic, so that was our last time going in there to shop. And you always go in there, you would always find something really unique. We'll bring it back to Atlanta and wear it, and people'll be like, "What is this shirt, sweatshirt, jeans? What's this?"

Matt Owen:

I still get comments. My favorite thing that would always happen, the couple times we've been to New York together, and we went to Century 21, is, because it's so big, you would go your way, I would go my way, and there's no way to be like, "Yo, this, this, this." You're just coming out with just arms full of clothing. And it never failed that it would be something that I thought was so fresh, and then you would see it on me. You'd be like, "Where'd you get that?" And I'd be like, "I got it from Century 21." You're like, "Okay." And there's something that my wife always lets me know that something may not have hit the mark, and she'll be like, "I can see where you were headed with that." In other words, you have not arrived at a accessible location. What you going to do with this sweatshirt?

Amena Brown:

Y'all, I be trying to just be affirming of the journey. I be trying to just get my husband some good affirmations regarding the journey. Maybe the journey is more important than the destination.

Matt Owen:

Maybe you're trying not to break my spirit. Ahhh. Reset, reset, reset.

Amena Brown:

Oh my gosh.

Matt Owen:

Too soon. Too soon.

Amena Brown:

Please, please. So, our Broadway pick was Tina on Broadway, which is the show about Tina Turner's life. Adrienne Warren was starring in it when we went to see it.

Matt Owen:

So good.

Amena Brown:

Y'all, what an amazing show, and we actually saw it after Adrienne Warren had injured herself.

Matt Owen:

I was like-

Amena Brown:

She was wearing a boot. I don't know if it was her ankle, her foot. She had injured herself to where she was wearing a boot, and she still killed it.

Matt Owen:

Killed it. It was so good that, by the end of the show, it's like they do their bow. They do the final thing. And they come back and did an encore, and everyone was up on their feets, clapping, singing along, as if we were watching a Tina Turner concert. It was incredible.

Amena Brown:

Y'all. And once we left there, I think we had a few more gigs, both of us. And then, we did our last gig in Dallas, and the flight home in March was when we were seeing all of the shut down conversations happening. So, we got home, promptly found out we both had COVID, in March of 2020, but during all of that time, quarantine and especially all that 2020 time, in general, what that was for so many of us, I was so glad that we splurged a little bit and stayed in New York a couple of extra days and went to a show. Because it took so long for Broadway shows to be able to come back and for people to start going back to travel to New York, as far as tourism and stuff was concerned, so for us being people who love to see performers on stage, that gave us a little something to hold onto, that we got a chance to see that show and experience it. So, shout out to that, babe. That was a good time.

Matt Owen:

Good times, and shout out to us going to get a frame for that Dalí piece.

Amena Brown:

Okay. Yes. Thank y'all for helping remind us to do that. We're going to work on that and try to post on our social media, in our stories or something on IG, when we finally get that MC Escher piece up. This has been great, talking to y'all about road stories, and more road stories to come. See y'all soon.

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen, for Sol Graffiti Productions, as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network, in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 94

Amena Brown:

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to not only a new episode of HER with Amena Brown, but welcome back to a new series on HER with Amena Brown and I am excited to welcome my producer and husband, priority is not in that order, just that he is both my producer and husband, Matthew Owen, also known as DJ Opdiggy. Hey babe.

Matthew Owen:

Hey. It's going to feel really weird is when I do this in post production and I add the applause, like...

Amena Brown:

Right.

Matthew Owen:

I guess we're going to see how I view myself if I give myself more applause or less applause.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Matthew Owen:

Something for me and my therapist to work out, I'm sure.

Amena Brown:

Okay. That's like exact facts. Exact facts. This series is called Road Stories and Matt and I have quite a few road stories because we started traveling and performing together on the road the same month that we got married.

Matthew Owen:

Wow.

Amena Brown:

So we have had at least... we've been married 11 years.

Matthew Owen:

11.

Amena Brown:

So prior to the pandemic, that's what, at least nine... eight, nine years that we were on the road together.

Matthew Owen:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

Pretty heavy there, so...

Matthew Owen:

Date nights in weird cities.

Amena Brown:

Oh man, we have a lot of stories to tell y'all, so there are going to be a few to several, we're not sure how many episodes, but there are going to be more than one episode of us telling you a few of the interesting road stories we experienced. And those of you that have been here for other episodes where Matt has come on, which maybe we've only had one cause I think we did an episode for an anniversary a year or so ago. I think that might be our only episode.

Matthew Owen:

I think that's right, but I think it's probably right on a HER podcast that he only comes... You know what I mean?

Amena Brown:

That's fair. That's a fair point.

Matthew Owen:

The thespian motto from high school, I've carried it with me into many things in life and I say this is one, "Know your part and play it well."

Amena Brown:

That's it.

Matthew Owen:

So I'm honored to be asked.

Amena Brown:

That's it. So if you missed that episode, we will link to it in the show notes on amenabrown.com/herwithamena. You can go there and see all of the things. So to give you a little bit of background, you can get more of the background on the previous episode where we talked about our story, how we met, but so you have a little bit of an idea, Matt and I met as... became friends and collaborators, so in a sense what brought us together was the fact that we were building a show at the time.

And I was traveling, as some of you know, I was traveling very heavily in more white conservative Christian spaces back then and I was kind of tired of being sort of pigeonholed into this one poem at a time model and so I had asked my then friend, Matt, to partner with me as a DJ and musician. We pull together this amazing show and I want to say maybe two or three months before we got married, we got a booking agent and then before we knew it, we got married September nine, and I'm pretty sure two or three weeks later we had our first gigs together.

Matthew Owen:

Wow. That sounds wild. And I was there to see it the first time, but just hearing you recount the story, that sounds crazy. Yeah, my just friend Amena had asked me if I wanted to go into the studio with her and figure out how to build a show with a DJ and a poet. And I'll be honest, number one, I didn't know how to work with a poet. I knew how to make music for a rapper or for a singer or make something that I would maybe perform myself, but with free verse poetry, it's a very interesting thing because it's not like here are your eight bars, land here, and so I was just intrigued by, well let's see what happens. And here we are, we saw what happens. So it worked out.

But I do remember thinking that I had an idea that, "Okay, we're going to build this thing and ain't nobody going to pay for me to travel with you." So they're going to figure out how to... if this was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and if I'm the jelly, they going to figure out how to make they own jam. You know what I mean? They going to be like, "Well here's this track that we could play while you do your poetry. Let that guy stay in the ATL." And so I was like, "Ain't nobody going to take us on the road." And then for what a good four years we traveled off of that show.

Amena Brown:

That's true. That's true. It's wild to think now, and I made some decisions at the time y'all that I still can't believe Matt and I did this, but we got engaged on my birthday in 2011, so that was on May 20th, shout out to the May babies in the building. We got engaged that day so we decided to plan our wedding pretty quickly because we were in our thirties. It wasn't as important to me to have this amazing venue. I mean this was a lot of really before people had... before people were streaming their weddings. This was before weddings had wow hashtags and stuff like that. So I wasn't as concerned about what the wedding pictures were going to do on the gram or anything like that, that wasn't of concern to me. Also, to be honest, we didn't have budget to be on. At that time, Matt was working as a youth pastor at a church and I was traveling to churches, so neither of us were making excellent money at the time.

So we were trying to have a short engagement because we were ready to start our lives together, but also waiting a year to save up more money, to have a more extravagant wedding just wasn't a thing that we cared much about. So we were engaged with a three and a half month time to get married. Also, Matt's fiance, Amena, decided this is a great time to launch the show that we've been building for the past year.

Matthew Owen:

Makes sense to me.

Amena Brown:

So we actually, in the middle of being engaged and planning a wedding pretty quickly, also were launching this show that we were going to do at the time. So we launched it in Atlanta so that we could get video of it, so we could see what it was going to do, so it's just wild to think that we launched the show in the time we were engaged and actually were able to secure some gigs shortly after.

Now, here's where the road stories gets interesting, y'all. We have all manner of types of road stories to tell y'all and some of this is really awkward, I think some of it's pretty hilarious now in hindsight and I do feel like we have a few cool stories to tell, like some cool stuff that we got to do or that we got to experience because we were people that traveled lot. I want to start with the merch table. I want to center our conversation around that today because you would be surprised about the amount of awkward conversations that we have had at the merch table. And for those of you who aren't familiar, because this story for us was beginning over 10 years ago, so even what was at the merch table.

Matthew Owen:

Man, first of all, remember having a merch table.

Amena Brown:

Oh my gosh.

Matthew Owen:

The idea that we would get to a venue and one of us would have to go and set up books, CDs, T-shirts. You're paying for these items to be manufactured and you have to figure out how to get them to the gig with you. So traveling with me, you're already carrying, for me, I was flying with my turntables, my mixer, all of my gear as well as clothing and toothbrushes and all that stuff. But then you got to carry books, CDs, T-shirts, hoping you made something that people are going to be like, "Yeah, let me buy," or else you're just dragging around all this stuff for nothing and then trying to set it up in a way and... Oh, oh, banners. I remember also banners.

Amena Brown:

Oh child, I forgot about banners, help us.

Matthew Owen:

Banner's a thing where it would roll out and there'd be a massive picture of you or a massive picture of me, and just going through TSA, first of all, going through TSA was its own experience because you're carrying this thing in your hand cause it's not really a good way to check the banners and they're asking you, "What is this?" And I don't know why, I always got asked, "Oh, are you a professional pool player?" Like-

Amena Brown:

Oh, that's interesting.

Matthew Owen:

Are those pool cues or pool sticks? And I'm like, "Shout out to Uncle Phil in the pool hall. I am not."

Amena Brown:

This is not an Uncle Phil moment. That's not what this is. People also thought sometimes they were fishing poles. They wanted to know we were going to go fishing somewhere and we were like, "Wow, we have the least cool story to tell regarding what is in this package."

Matthew Owen:

It's a massive picture of my wife's face and they looked at me like, "What?" They almost seemed disappointed.

Amena Brown:

I forgot about that.

Matthew Owen:

Then it goes into, "Well why do you have a massive picture of wife's face?" "Well my wife's a poet and she going to talk at this thing," and don't even bring up the fact that my turntables were going through TSA.

Amena Brown:

Yikes. Yikes.

Matthew Owen:

And it's like every time we would get to a venue, open up that thing and I would see that little slip that said, I was like, "Oh Lord, please help these things," where you show up just in time for sound check, setting up and there's like got to figure out something.

Amena Brown:

Yikes, y'all, thinking about that now the amount of luggage that we had to check and then you're limited. We each had... At that time, we each had two bags each that we could either afford to check or were able to amass enough mileage that we were able to have enough status that we could check those bags for free. So we had four bags between us we could check and then we had two items we each could "carry on." So there were a lot of choices being made.

Matthew Owen:

And having to use those weird hanger weights...

Amena Brown:

Yikes.

Matthew Owen:

... to make sure our luggage wasn't going to be over because they was going to charge you mad amounts of money.

Amena Brown:

Yikes. Because I do feel like we ended up, especially when you were traveling with your turntables, that's two pieces of "luggage."

Matthew Owen:

43 pounds each. Five cases.

Amena Brown:

Right, so then we would have to take one bag to be all of our clothing, which for me is more of a sacrifice, it's Matt having a corner of the luggage and me having all these shoes and...

Matthew Owen:

If I could pack one pair of jeans, I could rock it with three or four different T-shirts and we good.

Amena Brown:

Then we would have a bag that was the merch.

Matthew Owen:

Yep.

Amena Brown:

Now I think at a certain point we got sophisticated enough that we started having enough merch that we could ship, but it took us time getting to know other artists who were traveling to know that you could do that. But also it took forethought and planning because there would be times that... there would be times that we just didn't think about it and now it's two days before, it's too late to ship or there would be times where we were doing a bunch of gigs back to back and so you had certain merch you could ship to that gig, but then that merch was going to get shipped back home but we weren't going home, so then we had to have a certain amount of merch we could fly with and take to the other thing. It was a lot.

Matthew Owen:

Mental gymnastics.

Amena Brown:

It was a lot, y'all.

Matthew Owen:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

So let me give you an idea of what the merch table is, which I think most artists still, when you go to just even general concerts and stuff like that, there's still a merch area. It's just very different than it was when we were starting out together. So the types of events we were doing at this time, I would say tended to be probably half very large events, events that were in an arena, events that were in a large ballroom in a hotel, events that could be anywhere from 2000 people up to in a big arena of 18,000 folks. So this is what made you have to get to a point as an artist that you had a banner because you needed something that was big enough that people would know, "Oh, they just saw you on stage."

Matthew Owen:

Oh, that's that person.

Amena Brown:

Yes, this is where they go to buy your things, and of course back then you typically would have... Well for us we would've had CDs, we both had our solo artist CDs, but really all of my CDs were not technically solo because Matt made all of the music that people were hearing if it had music to it. So you would have your CDs there. We tried a run with various sundry shirts.

Matthew Owen:

Remember your first shirt?

Amena Brown:

It was so ugly. My first shirt I tried to design myself was so terrible. By the time Matt and I became friends, he was like, "What does this look like? What is this?" And I was like, "I was trying to go with a metallic foil," and he was like, "Yikes. You can't..."

Matthew Owen:

When you're talking to an artist, you have to tiptoe in, especially just getting to know you and even still being husband and wife for us to still be doing this together, it is still... you got to enter it with a certain... you got to tip your toe in the water and so you don't want to be like, "Ugh, you like this?" But it's like, "So, tell me about this shirt. What do you think about it? Do you like it? You like that? That's what you were going for?"

Amena Brown:

Yikes. And then sometimes too, this changed over time, but in the beginning you may not be getting paid a lot to go and do the gig, so you're hoping you're going to make some extra money at the merch table.

Matthew Owen:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

Now where it gets tricky is T-shirts are, quiet as it's kept, not cheap to produce and then you typically have to order such a large amount of them that you had to have money, you had to basically have an account that was just for merch so that when you sold merch you had to keep a certain amount of money so that you could spend a thousand dollars on shirts.

Matthew Owen:

We still have a checking account in our business account that's called the merch account.

Amena Brown:

It's called the merch account.

Matthew Owen:

Neither one of us have set up a merch table in...

Amena Brown:

Years.

Matthew Owen:

Pre pandemic.

Amena Brown:

Years.

Matthew Owen:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

And even I think the gigs that I was still doing where I was selling books and stuff, a lot of times by then bookstores and stuff were running the sales and the table, so I didn't have to ship them, I didn't have to figure out where they went...

Matthew Owen:

You're right.

Amena Brown:

I didn't have to handle the money. So it has been years since either of us had a merch table, but you had the shirts because even though they were kind of pricey sometimes to get them made, if you bought a certain amount, you could get really good profit margin on them because you could charge... I mean, many of you experience this when you go to concerts, the shirts could be... I mean back then they were like 20 bucks, which was like a lot, now you could go to a concert, we've gone to some concerts recently, the shirts are $40, $50 in the venue. So if it's costing you $5 to make this shirt, even $7, and your profit margin is you just sold that for 40 bucks.

Matthew Owen:

See that's another thing you just brought up is that certain venues also want a percentage.

Amena Brown:

No, big facts.

Matthew Owen:

So they're going to have one of their people there selling things and then at the end there's a count where you have to stand there and they have to stand there, that way they can come up with how much money you got to give back to them.

Amena Brown:

Yes. Yes.

Matthew Owen:

Or they would take their percent out and they would give you a check at the end of the night, however they worked it out. You didn't know based on what city you were going to, if the venue was then going to be like, "Oh, sorry, we get 10% of that." So when you're buying these shirts and shipping them, it was hard to figure out.

Amena Brown:

Yeah because it's like that's turning out to be a lot of cost. The cost of producing the merch, the cost of shipping it and then you get there and they're like, "Oh that's our 10%," sometimes at certain arenas that's our 15 depending on where you were and taxes and all the rest of it. So there was a lot that went into that merch table. CDs, it is very sad and unfortunate for a lot of us as traveling artists that everything went to streaming because CDs was the perfect piece of merch to have at your table. They cost less than two bucks to make and you could sell them for $10.

Matthew Owen:

I was printing them from the house at one point. I had a printer that you could print on top of the CD, the print, the cover... Oh my gosh. I try to tell young artists, like I get a lot of rappers coming up asking me, young kids want rap stuff and young artists come up to me asking me about stuff and talking to them, I'm be like, "Man, once upon a time you could show up to a venue where no one had ever heard your name before and if you got in there and you put on a show and you made them people feel something, you going to come back to your merch table and them CD's going to be gone."

Amena Brown:

Man.

Matthew Owen:

And at like 10, 15 bucks a piece, man, you know how many streams it would take? Oh, come on, man. Wow.

Amena Brown:

That was a time.

Matthew Owen:

What a era.

Amena Brown:

There were some times that we were really struggling financially and sometimes it depended on the gig, if you were going to actually get paid when you got there. Sometimes they were like, "Oh we only mail checks or we only send out checks on certain days of the week." So you went and did the whole gig, and thankfully we had a system with our booking agency at the time where there was deposits and stuff they had to pay, but that still wasn't money you were walking away with. Even the deposit they sent to our agent, we didn't see that money until we played the gig, until we got home. So sometimes the merch table was how you were getting ready to eat food that day or the next day because a lot of that at that time was cash.

Matthew Owen:

Cash, yep.

Amena Brown:

This is before there was cash app and all the rest of those. I mean we had a square where people could use credit cards but we would get a lot of people coming by the merch table buying stuff in cash. If they really enjoyed what we did, sometimes they'd be like, "I only got a 50 and I want a T-shirt and I want a CD," and then it would not work out evenly. We would need to give them change and they would be like, "I don't want the change." People would do that at the merch table. So there was a lot riding on how those sales went. So to give y'all an idea of how that set up was.

In the smaller spaces we went to, that typically would be more so smaller Christian colleges at the time, smaller churches, you would still have the merch table situation there, but it would just be less people, it'd be a smaller thing. Sometimes it would be a little more intimate and sometimes I was great and sometimes I was not so great with the things people thought they could say to you. So the merch table was there in all these different aspects from the little small church that you went to that only six people came up to the merch table to the arena that you were in where there were 18,000 people.

But here's another thing I want to tell y'all. We would do these arena tours, this happened to us probably at least a couple of times that we've done these together and separately we also both have done arena style events, and the thing about an arena that's interesting is when you are not headlining, when you are on a bill where there might be six other artists, your merch table's there, but the people may not know who you are when you get there and then they have to remember you and five other artists, seven other artists. So that all depended on where you were, how well those people knew you, how long you got to perform comparatively to the headliner that may have had an hour set.

Maybe we had had 10 minutes earlier in the night. So now at the end of the night they have to remember us enough to want to come by the merch table. A lot of things were going on y'all. Let's talk about weird things people say at the merch table. I want to begin the conversation, Matt, with, "I've never heard of you," because you would have to set your merch up, especially if you were in an arena situation, you would have to set up your merch prior to the event.

Matthew Owen:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

So people would be coming in to get their seats and it'd be like us and maybe in, those of you who are familiar with Christian market, meaning like Christian artists that sell albums and those parts, there would be Christian artists whose names were very big, maybe because their songs played on radio at the time or because if they were worship artists, people knew their songs from church or there were all sorts of things. So there was some artists that people walked in like, "Oh, they know this band. Oh, they know this artist." And then there was us.

Matthew Owen:

And then there was us.

Amena Brown:

Where a lot of them did know us, and the wild thing about an arena show is in our experience, and maybe this is a Christian market thing, most of those arena shows weren't in a big major city. You weren't in LA in an arena, you weren't in New York in an arena, you weren't even in Atlanta in an arena. You were in Macon, you were in Erie, Pennsylvania.

Matthew Owen:

Maybe Orlando if you're lucky.

Amena Brown:

So you're not dealing with people who are metropolitan. You're dealing with people who are like, "I came to this because I want to hear some Christian music," and they're walking to the merch table and would walk right up to our table and be like, "What do you do? I've never heard of you."

Matthew Owen:

My favorite was when they would pick the CD up and flip it over on the back and read it. I don't know if they were looking for a song they maybe knew and didn't know it was me or you, or if they're looking for a featuring insert name of whoever and when they didn't see it, they just kind of... this puzzled look and put it back down. You don't know me, I don't know you. It's okay.

Amena Brown:

They would also say, "Is this Christian music?"

Matthew Owen:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

That was a big question that we would get all the time.

Matthew Owen:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

And in my mind that was always kind of funny because I don't think, even though Matt and I both were performing our art in Christian spaces, for us there was a difference between artists who considered themselves Christian so and so, they considered themselves a Christian rapper, a Christian singer songwriter, they were a Christian band and then there were those of us who were like, "We are Christians, but that's not necessarily a qualifier, a title or whatever that we have." And so whenever they would say that, it was always kind of funny to me because I'd be like, "I think I understand why you're asking that question and I guess some of this art we made was Christian," but then I would be like, "Nah, you might want to go two tables down."

Matthew Owen:

They are very explicitly... Well it was always wild to me for my stuff specifically is because my role in most of these events was I would be on for an hour up front. Everybody's walking in so it's my job to get that crowd on 10 that way by the time the first band comes in... And then sometimes I would be there to keep the momentum going between bands. I'm on the microphone, I got the crowd chanting, singing along. So it's a lot of instrumental music. I'm not up there making a point. I'm not up there delivering some form of a message. I am very much so entertainment and I love it. I'm an entertainer at heart. That's what I do, it's what I love to do and so in the music that I was making was mostly instrumental music. I ran into this question more times than I can count, but, "Is it a Christian album?" And the first... For a while I would be like, "Well, it's instrumental music."

Amena Brown:

That makes it neutral, in a sense.

Matthew Owen:

Yeah, because there's no message. If there's no words, was that a Christian kick drum? Was that a...

Amena Brown:

Yikes.

Matthew Owen:

Did you baptize that drum kit?

Amena Brown:

We love a Christian trumpet. We love to see if the trumpet...

Matthew Owen:

Did you get the all on that MPC?

When I would just say, "Yeah," I would see it ease up on their face and they'd be like, "Yeah, I'll take three of them."

Amena Brown:

Yikes.

Matthew Owen:

And so I just learned that for whatever reason, these people just need to know that it was safe for the whole family.

Amena Brown:

Right, okay.

Matthew Owen:

Cause in a lot of these large, especially the big arenas and stuff, there's a lot of youth groups who have shown up in some massive 16 passenger van. And I know this dude is asking me this like, "If I put this in on our ride home because my teenagers just enjoyed what you just did, am I going to hear some things that I'm going to get some calls from some parents because their kids went home and said this thing?" And so that's why I was like, "Oh, you're just asking is it safe for me to play at my youth group, in the van?" So that's where I was like it's that thing of customer service that still very much so exists in whatever line of work you do, I still have it now even though I'm not working in those environments, some of it's the same, oddly.

Amena Brown:

Just the questions are different.

Matthew Owen:

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

And I think it is interesting now to think back on that because we started out doing a lot of youth events because what we were doing sort of fell in the fun category, which is interesting when you're performing in a lot of these, especially more conservative or evangelical Christian environment, if it falls in the category of hip hop or it's fun, it's a good time, they're like, "Oh, that must be for the students. You could come and speak to our youth." At most, they'll be like, "Oh, I bet our college students," and maybe every now and then you'd get a young adult situation.

Matthew Owen:

Like a single situation.

Amena Brown:

Where it'd be somehow people randomly between 18 and 35 that are just aimlessly wandering through their lives can come here. But otherwise, once you got past that sort of thing, then it kind of felt like all the fun got sucked out of it, all the music turned very slow and had to be very...

Matthew Owen:

Acoustic guitar.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, like contemplative and any of that fun stuff was like... I was like, "What are the vibes?" So I think that was probably one of the things that helped me and Matt to know that we need to start phasing out doing youth events, because for me, to the point of what you said, babe, I'm thinking about art and for many Christian folks, there is this idea that if it's not air quotes say for the whole family, then that means there's stuff in it that as Christian people you shouldn't be listening to. But I started to really have a lot of questions about that the more we travel because I was like, well the differentiation you made makes sense, there's certain things that are appropriate for a kid, there's certain things that are appropriate for a teenager. That doesn't mean that love songs are bad. That doesn't necessarily mean that songs about sex are inherently bad. I'm not saying all of them things is good either, but I'm just saying it really narrowed in this way that I didn't like as an artist.

Matthew Owen:

It very much so narrowed the lane of what story you could tell as an artist or what paintbrush you could paint with.

Amena Brown:

Yes.

Matthew Owen:

And I felt like those gaps were already very well filled. That lane is very well filled and continues to be and that's fine. But I want to talk about the things that I see in my every day, I want to talk about my... here's what I see in my life, which I think goes back to the idea of something we've both experienced of, "I don't want you to see me."

Amena Brown:

Right. That's wild.

Matthew Owen:

But yeah, that was always a wild question of, "Is it Christian?" And my brain had to compute through, "What is the question this person's really asking me?"

Amena Brown:

Right, please.

Matthew Owen:

So I'd be like, "Yes it is." And they'd be like...

Amena Brown:

If that's going to help us order room service later, sure.

Matthew Owen:

The level of...

Amena Brown:

The whole album's Christian. The other thing that would be hilarious to us, especially when we would be in these medium to small towns that to them, this Christian tour of however many people coming to blah blah blah city in Kentucky or wherever we were, this was their social interactions for the year. This was a super big deal.

Matthew Owen:

Oh, man. They were going out.

Amena Brown:

And we would go do our thing and the moments of them coming up afterwards, we had this happen several times and people would be like, "You know what? I loved every minute of what y'all did. Y'all are really talented and you know what? I think y'all should take this on the road. Y'all should really take this out there and listen, if y'all ever want to go to Wisconsin, my brother is a pastor up there. I got some connections for you and y'all really need to think about that." And so of course Matt and I are literally standing at the table like, "This is literally the road." Like we are on.

Matthew Owen:

We just left somewhere to come here. We're leaving here to go somewhere else. But you know what? You're onto something, lady. Here's another aspect, I don't know if we've talked about this yet, the volunteer aspect.

Amena Brown:

Oh, yes I forgot about that.

Matthew Owen:

Where you would get to, whether it's a large place, small place, and typically they would say, "Here is the volunteer that we have from this church or this organization who is going to be at your merch table." Because while we're on stage, we can't be there and also we're going to need help, hopefully once the of people go, "Oh my gosh, this, I must have this. Wow." And so...

Amena Brown:

And we weren't making enough money yet where we could afford to travel with that size of team. Some artists, whatever genre, some artists get to where they're making enough money that it's them, it's their DJ or their band, plus they have people traveling with them to do social media, plus they have people traveling with them that are handling merch, inventory, money counting, that they have a person that does that at every event. We were not.

Matthew Owen:

We were all of the above. It was us, our go pros, maybe a little Zoom to catch some audio and a square reader.

Amena Brown:

That's it. So those volunteers were kind of saving grace for us, especially if one of us had a gig and the other one wasn't performing, then the other person might hold down the table, but when we both had to perform, which we did together for many years, who can hold down the table? So now you got random volunteers, you're handing them money like square readers. Oh, man.

Matthew Owen:

I would typically ask, "Have you ever used an iPad before?"

Amena Brown:

Oh, child.

Matthew Owen:

And you would be surprised at how often at that time they'd be like, "No."

Amena Brown:

Say it ain't so y'all. Okay, Matt, I want to talk about the "famous" conversations that we had on the road. Being "Christian famous" or church famous is wild, is false.

Matthew Owen:

Well...

Amena Brown:

It's just because when you're a performer in Christian market, or as some of my friends refer to it as the Christian industrial complex, when you are a performer there, you feel like a big fish, but you are actually in a very small pond. But to that small pond of people, there are some names that really, really matter over there and when you leave that space, you are not that, you might have... We would get booked for an event and for three days we felt a little bit like the Beatles because everywhere, every restaurant we went to around the conference venue, every time we went back and forth to the hotel entering the space, I mean, some of this I know it's got to sound so weird to y'all, that they would have to give hosts to us to walk us in and out of the venue because there would be that many people at the conference or whatever. They would be like, "Oh my gosh, Amena. Oh my gosh, DJ Opdiggy. You have that for like three days straight.

Matthew Owen:

Oh, yeah.

Amena Brown:

Even when you get to the airport in whatever that city is, the people are still like, "I really enjoyed you, take a picture with me."

Matthew Owen:

That is the weirdest thing.

Amena Brown:

You could even land back... For us, we would land back home in Atlanta and there were still people that were just on our flight that live in Atlanta, still asking for our pictures at the baggage claim and then you get in your car, you go to a restaurant, when you leave the airport, you stop by Target and you know what? Nobody's worried about you.

Matthew Owen:

Not at all.

Amena Brown:

So it's weirdly like disorienting because I can see for people who make their career there for years and years that you do feel like a famous person. So we would go to places and people would say, they would ask us, especially students in particular would ask us, "Are you famous?"

Matthew Owen:

Yes. I got that pretty often at the merch table, "Hey, are you famous?" I remember when Instagram first started popping up to become a thing and the idea of... once upon a time, everybody was in a brand. We weren't that aware of ourselves.

Amena Brown:

Yikes.

Matthew Owen:

I remember once it started becoming socially a thing of how many likes you were getting on whatever the social media... And that's when Instagram was first kind of popping up. That's when people were posting pictures on Instagram. I don't even think video was an option yet. And I can remember I would be rapping at my turntables, whatever, some line of 13 year olds would be standing in front of me wanting to take a picture, somebody being like, "Are you famous?"

Amena Brown:

Yikes.

Matthew Owen:

And my answer's always been, "Well, if I was, would you have to ask?"

Amena Brown:

That part, and my answer was always, "I go in Target, nobody's worried about me." I feel like that's a famous person. You're in Target, you going through the mall and the people are like... I've been, we both have been in a place where Usher was, who is a person who just to be clear is actually famous, for real famous. The whole mall is a buzz like, "Oh my God, that was Usher. Oh my God, oh my God." And I would tell the kids, "I go to Target all the time," and you know what? Nobody's there like, "Oh, it's Amena."

Matthew Owen:

Nobody. Even in the scenario you pointed out earlier about being at the airport and people being like, "Oh," and they want to take these pictures and stuff, the people who were not at the event, sometimes they'd be sitting next to us on the plane and be like, "So who are y'all?" And we'd be like...

Amena Brown:

Okay.

Matthew Owen:

That's also a weird conversation to have to explain, "Well, we live in Atlanta. She's a poet, I'm a DJ. We just... we're at this event and they had this experience," and you're trying to... And it's really not.

Amena Brown:

It's not actually as big of a deal as it might seem for 10 minutes. I also want to speak to the things you were asked to sign. Now I will tell y'all, there are some heartwarming moments that happen at the merch table where your work actually means a lot to people, you have people come up that are actually supporters of what you do. I will tell you that doesn't feel like most of the time when we were in Christian market, that was our experience. But there were some times that was wonderful. Other times get a little weird, like people asking you at the merch table to sign their Bibles. That was always a weird one.

Matthew Owen:

That was a weird one, yeah.

Amena Brown:

I'm not a co-author there, so I don't know what I'm doing. That was always a weird one. People asking you to sign other people's merch, which I realize now was a budget situation. This is people being like, "I can only afford to buy one of y'all's CDs out here." So they were like, "I'm going to buy so and so's CD over there, but I'm going to walk around to everybody else's merch table and be like, 'Sign this'."

Matthew Owen:

Yeah. There's a small period of time where there was a certain Christian rapper that was at a lot of the events we were at where I think that record label has an engineer who also traveled as a DJ with them and he happened to be a white dude, I happen to be a white dude, from far enough away, maybe. I don't think we look alike, but whatever. So I would get asked to sign a lot. And again, it's back to that thing where people walk up to you and they already have in their mind, there's no telling them, "I'm not that or well, it's an instrumental album."

It's just, this person, there's something this person wants. They want it in a timely manner. So just go on ahead and give it to them. That's just how I roll. So I was like... they walked up to me with this certain artist CD and for a while I'd be like, "I have nothing to do with... this isn't me." And after a while I'd be like, "Yeah, cool." And I would always sign it DJ Opdiggy and my O always has a little... cause I've had this goatee since I was 16, so it has that O and it has a smiley face on it, and I saw the dude and told him about it, we had a good laugh about it, but...

Amena Brown:

I mean, there's probably... I can't even count to y'all the amount of CDs that people have at home that have our signatures on it and we had nothing to do with those records.

Matthew Owen:

Man, people asking me to sign their shoes, like brand new shoes, like you're talking about summertime... Listen, I know those your back to school shoes and you wore them to this concert and your mama going to be upset, but here let me sign them.

Amena Brown:

You asked, I'm giving it to you.

Matthew Owen:

I had people asking me to sign their pizza.

Amena Brown:

Yikes.

Matthew Owen:

I'm like, "Are you going to eat that?"

Amena Brown:

Man, I don't know what we're doing it. It got really weird, really fast.

Matthew Owen:

Sign my forehead, that one felt cultish. I'm like...

Amena Brown:

I'm like, "What are y'all doing guys." This is yikes. And then once-

Matthew Owen:

I mean, I did it, but...

Amena Brown:

Right. I mean, even with the Bibles, that was a weird one, but I would kind of put my... at that time, I would put my favorite Bible verse and just sign it because I was like, "Maybe just to encourage you while you reading this." I don't know, this is weird. Also, once people found out we lived in Atlanta, they were like, "Oh, you live in Atlanta, you know Lecrae?"

Matthew Owen:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

I can't tell y'all how many elevators, how many merch tables, how many situations we were in this where people... it was sort of like next to the like, "Okay, you're here, you're performing, you must be famous in some way," to them in this medium to small town in the Midwest somewhere and they would be like, "Oh, where are y'all from?" And then we would say, "Oh, we're from Atlanta." "Oh, y'all know Lecrae?" And shout to Lecrae. That will always make us laugh because we would be like, "Man, we've been in... both of us have been in Atlanta over 20 years." We've been here a long time. And Atlanta...

Matthew Owen:

I've been here long enough to where I've been to Freaknik.

Amena Brown:

Right. Right. And I was here like two, probably two years post the last real, real Freaknik. It was just dissipating when I moved here. So we've been in Atlanta a long time so that always makes us laugh.

Matthew Owen:

I was here when there was a new group called Outkast coming out.

Amena Brown:

Okay. Okay. All right.

Matthew Owen:

And we're like, "Whoa, they sound like us."

Amena Brown:

Okay, that's the people... No. And it would just make us laugh also because when we are home in Atlanta, our artist community here is very different from the people that even that might have been our friends that we would see on the road or whatever. So we had a lot of artists community here, but most of the artists that we know that we kicked it with, that we went to shows with, they weren't traveling to these events. They were looking at the pictures we posted like-

Matthew Owen:

What are you doing?

Amena Brown:

... "Wait, what is this?"

Matthew Owen:

Other DJs would be like, "Wait, what is this thing you're doing?"

Amena Brown:

So that was always funny to us.

Matthew Owen:

The, "Do you know Lecrae?" question to me typically came after, "Are you famous?"

Amena Brown:

And, "Do you know Lecrae?"

Matthew Owen:

"Do you know Lecrae"? And sometimes, "Do you know David Crowder?" That one also-

Amena Brown:

Oh, that's true. That's true. Cause some people knew he was here. Yeah.

Matthew Owen:

And I think that that question kind of came with the, "Are you famous?" Which also, back to my earlier thing about people wanting to make sure they're getting the most likes for their post of this random... I think what they're asking is, "Are you worth me taking this picture with? Because I don't know you, but is it going to get me these likes?"

Amena Brown:

"Because if I don't know you, can I prove you're important enough for me to post?" If you tell me, "Oh yeah, I know Lecrae, or I know David Crowder, I had dinner with them" or something, at that point, then it'd be like, "Oh, well if I post it and people are like, 'We don't know them.' We'd be like, 'Yeah, but they said that they eat sushi with David Crowder sometimes'," or something. I don't... That was always weird. Got a little muddy. Yikes.

Matthew Owen:

Just like the merch table.

Amena Brown:

Okay, the merch table is a very muddy place. So we wanted to give y'all a little window into what used to be our life and that's just a little bit of what the merch table is. We're looking forward to coming back and sharing more of our road stories with y'all because there's so much to tell you. So thanks again for joining me, babe.

Matthew Owen:

Imagine the stories we didn't tell.

Amena Brown:

Okay. We'll have to do like a after dark version for y'all for real.

Matthew Owen:

If you see us in person, we might.

Amena Brown:

See y'all next time.

Matthew Owen:

Peace.

Amena Brown:

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 93

Amena Brown:

That time I met India Arie, that time I went on a really bad date, that time I was directed by Robert Townsend, that time I got my mono on Thanksgiving, that time I went on a really bad Christmas tour, that time I ... Hey, y'all, welcome back to this week's episode of HER with Amena Brown. I feel like every seven to 10 episodes, I say, "And I'm Amena Brown." I just do that in case there are people here who this might be your first episode, this might be your first time here, and you're like, "I don't know Amena Brown." That's me. I'm the host here.

So I'm very excited because I was talking with a friend of mine, and it reminded me of a story I wanted to tell y'all. So if you are not seated, then you might have a seat for story time. You might be seated in your vehicle. You might be in your remote work from home scenarios. You might be out running other assundry errands, so I welcome you to the story time that is today's episode. One of my friends was talking about how she had recently done an outing with her husband, and really wanted to go horseback riding. And it was as soon as she said it, it brought back all these memories as to why I will no longer participate in horseback riding, as to why I'm finished with it.

No shade to those of you that do this as an activity. This is a thing you like to do, like to be a part of. Some of y'all have been horseback riding since you were children. I wish you well. I don't want to be near a horse anymore. I feel like I have put in my time. I feel like I've had some amazing experiences. And I've had some experiences that are the reason why this is not a thing that I'm doing anymore. But I'm going to tell you my horseback riding journey. I'm going to share it with you.

So I went horseback riding for the first time when I was about 11 years old. And if you have been following the podcast, you know that one of my sisters, my sister that I grew up in the house with, my sister, Makeda, who has been a guest here on the podcast, and is my best friend. So we are actually almost 11 years apart because I was 10 when she was born in March, and then I turned 11 that May. Well, my mom had a friend who she worked with. My mom is a nurse. And at that time, my sister was born in a DC hospital, so we were living in the DMV area, shout out to my DMV people. I still have a lot of love and nostalgia about living in the DMV because my mom worked in DC, worked at a hospital there. And I went to school in Maryland. That area of the country is still one of my favorite places.

So my mom had a nurse friend, who was a very good friend of hers. And those of you who are older siblings in any regard, even if you're not the oldest, but you have siblings who are younger than you, and if you were old enough to remember when your sibling was born, you may know the vibes of what I'm about to describe. So because I was 10, my sister and I talk about this too, we were almost like two only children who had a small amount of time that we were in the house together. So I had 10 years where it was just my mom and I, and then my sister was born. So we had eight years where we were in the house together, and then by the time my sister was eight or about to be nine, I was leaving to go to college. So then my sister had the rest of her 10 years of high school without me being in the house.

And when you're an older sibling, I don't know, maybe I'm petty, or was a petty child, but I feel like this is probably a general experience that a lot of older siblings had, I was not used to sharing with a child that lived in the house with me. And it wasn't just sharing toys and things like that because my sister was so little, we couldn't play, which was really a part of what was sort of dissatisfactory to me in the experience of realizing what it's really going to be like to be a big sister. I had always wanted a sister, but I thought I was going to have a sister that I was going to be kind of equal parties with. By this time at 10, I'm still ... I feel like maybe I wasn't quite playing with Barbies as much, but I did still have a very nice Barbie house, so I feel like I did do that a little bit still. And I loved to play Monopoly, and was learning how to play different card games and stuff like that, was learning how to play tag, and freeze tag, shout out to those of you that played this outside.

So I was thinking about all the things I loved to do as a kid, and the whole purpose of having a sister was to have someone that could do those kid things with you. And when she got here, she was gorgeous, beautiful baby, and kind of useless, kind of useless for my childhood desires, really didn't do much, really took her a while to get to where she was kind of fun to be around. And when you're an older sibling and your parent has a child after you, there's this period of time that you probably hate, which is the time where everyone's coming over to the house. To what? See the baby. What are you? Chopped liver. It's like you're not interesting anymore. Everyone's interested in someone who can't talk to them, who can't really entertain them, who can't do anything but cry and go to the bathroom in a diaper that someone else has to clean up. The people really visited the house for this.

And as a 10 year old previous only child, that was really upsetting and disorienting. But I've got to give a special shout out to my mom's friend, Dara, because she came over and I am so ... I'm just remembering my shady little self. I remember I opened the door and I said, "She's over there." And Dara said, "I'm coming to see you." And I was like, "What?" She was like, "Yeah, I'm coming to see you. I'm coming to pick you up, and we're going to spend the day together." And to this day, y'all, I have to confirm with my mom because I don't remember if my mom and Dara talked about this and Dara was like, "Hey, I want to come over and do this," or what the vibes were. I really don't remember that part. I don't know that part. But know that I must've got the biggest smile on my face. That was the first time in however many weeks old or months old my sister was by then, that anyone had really talked to me about anything.

And so she was like, "Hurry up. Go get dressed." I was like, "Whoo," so I go and get dressed. And I spent the day hanging out with Miss Dara and her friends. And we went to go horseback riding. I really at that point probably didn't care what we were doing. I was just excited that somebody was paying attention to me. I want to make a little note here. If you are a person who is in community with people who have children, this is a gift that you can potentially give to your friends who have kids, or if you're a person who has children, especially if you're having a second, or third, or further child, and you have children already and you're having a baby, having people in your community that are able to think these thoughts is so good because it meant the world to me that someone was coming over to sort of give me a bit of attention that my childhood self was craving at that moment.

And maybe it helped my mom to have a little bit of time where she could just be there and focus on my sister. She didn't have to focus on the both of us. So just a little note, if you're in community with people who have kids, or community with anyone that maybe having a baby that has an older child, and you're the type of person that loves this type of thing where you could pick up a kid, even if you pick up a kid and take them while you run errands. It doesn't even have to be something super grandiose thing. Just the fact that you're like, "Hey, I see you. You are also important in this family," I feel like that's what Dara did for my jealous 10 year old self.

But the funny thing about it when I think back on that is I was so jealous of the attention my sister was getting. But then it was sort of like by the time she got to be six months old, that whole thing flipped for me, where I really got to the point where it went from, "Ugh, why's she here?" To if someone hurts her, I will hurt them type of feelings. And that feeling is the feeling is still have about my sister. There are very few reasons I hope to ever go to jail. But if I went to jail, it might be because someone harmed my sister and I then in turn feel a need to harm them. So isn't that interesting how you can go from sort of being jealous oldest kid to oh, no, I'm about to really have to hurt somebody for my sister? A little note for y'all.

I'm out with Dara, we go to this horseback riding situation. And one of Dara's friends had the whole riding outfit. She had the boots, the riding pants, everything. Baby was ready for this day we were about to have. My horse name was Chestnut. And I'm not really scared of the horse. I'm a little nervous because I've never done this. But because we were kind of all in a group of people, and it was sort of a mixed group as far as some people who had been horseback riding before and some people who hadn't, so I wasn't the only one who it was the first time. Well, I get on Chestnut, and we're supposed to go down this trail. And the trail that we were going down had poison ivy on either side of it, and Chestnut kept eating the poison ivy. And I really didn't know a whole lot about poison ivy, but I was concerned. Is my horse trying to harm himself? Is poison ivy ... I mean, it has poison in the name. Is my horse eating poison ivy going to literally poison him? And I could not get him to stop eating the poison ivy.

So the people that worked at the stable had to take a large bag of Chex Mix, cut the top of it off, and literally put ... What is that called on a horse? A snout? Or is that a pig? Anyway, they had to put the nose part of the horse, they had to put that in the Chex Mix bag and literally had to lead Chestnut back to the stable. That was my first experience horseback riding, y'all. Maybe that should've told me I should've let that be my first and last experience, but I was kind of like, "It was my first time. Who knows?" I didn't go horseback riding again for over 20 years, people. Over 20 years passed.

I'm going to cut in on Matt and I going to Botswana several years ago. Actually, I remember distinctly that it must have been 2015 because we were actually in Botswana on my 35th birthday. So the place where we were staying was a lodge. And a shout out to Dr. Una Mullally, who has also previously been a guest on this show before we actually relaunched. She was one of my first guests on HER with Amena Brown back in the day. Dr. Una Mullally is from Botswana, and I met her at a conference, and she is still doing amazing work as a doctor in her home country of Botswana. She came to the states and went to medical school, just got as much education and learning as she could because her goal was to return back to Botswana to really specifically help the field of pediatric ICU, which was almost nonexistent in Botswana at the time. So she basically asked Matt and I, "Would y'all be willing to come back with me to my home country?"

And there was an event she was going to do for medical professionals. And she was like, "We don't have a lot budget, but I can fly you there. I can get you someplace to stay." And Matt and I were like, "An opportunity to go to Botswana with you back to your home country? Yes. Sign us up for that," because a lot of the international travels that Matt and I did, as has been discussed on the podcast, we were traveling in a lot of very Christian Evangelical types of spaces, so that meant a lot of our international travel was on something that was very much like a missions trip. So to have the opportunity to go back to her home country with her as our guide felt amazing, and really was an amazing experience.

So we were staying on this lodge, like a safari lodge. So some of y'all are like, "What that mean?" Okay, what that means is the lodge was on an animal reserve, so the rooms, quote, unquote where we were staying, really weren't rooms. They were almost like their own individual kind of really good sized cabins. And then you weren't staying where you were going to walk out of your cabin and a lion was going to pass by. It wasn't that way. But you were definitely staying in a spot on the ground where you could hear a lot of the animals and birds at night and stuff like that. And one of the activities that they offered at the lodge was a horseback safari.

And we were staying on a reserve that did not have lions at all, so none of the animals were animals where you needed to be worried about your life. They were zebra and antelope and different kind of birds that were native to Botswana. So we were like, "Horseback safari sounds cool, and that sounds like something that you can't do everywhere. Sure, sign us up for that," because we had kind of gotten in a day or two I think before the event actually started, so we had a little bit of time on our hands here. Matt and I, I'm not even sure if this was Matt's first time horseback riding. Was it your first time, babe? Okay, Matt's in the room here because he's also the producer of this podcast. Yes, this was Matt's first time horseback riding and only my second time, but my second time since Chestnut at 10, 11 years old.

So Matt and I get on top of these horses, and these horses were great. The guides at the lodge were super great. But here's what's really cool, this was probably one of my bets horseback riding experiences. Here's what's really cool about this. It's really cool that you're getting to do a safari on horseback because the animals let us get a little closer to them than I think they would have if we had been on our two legs. Now I'm going to tell you the antelopes don't care. Almost anything that comes close to an antelope that's not an antelope is on the run. As soon as the antelopes see anybody, they're like, "That's all. I'm out of here." But the zebra and the giraffe, they actually let us get closer to them. Matt and I still to this day are mesmerized by how close we got to those animals.

And being people who grew up here in the states, I mean, when did I see a zebra or giraffe? Maybe a couple of times as a child at a zoo, and they were very far away then. So to get a chance to be up close to these animals that maybe you saw pictures of in a picture book, maybe you saw at the zoo once or twice in your life, amazing. That was probably one of the best horseback riding experiences I had.

Okay, fast forward a couple of years, Matt and I get an invitation to go to Costa Rica. Okay, let's talk about this. And I was actually recently talking to a friend of mine about couples trips. This might be its own episode. But a friend of mine was asking me: Do Matt and I take couples trips? And so far, we have not been people that take couples trips, I think not because we prefer not to, but I think our different friend groups that are also couples, I think we've all been experiencing different stages of life that maybe make it difficult to travel. Most of our couple friends don't live in Atlanta. I'll say a good bit, because we have a few couple friends here too. But most of our couple friends I think live out of town, or we've had some couple friends that lived out of the country. And so all of the timing of, herein, we're going to plan a couples trip didn't really do.

But we had some friends who we also worked with at events, and they took couples trips. I mean, we would see their pictures all over. They were going to Italy and Greece and all sorts of places together. Right? Well, one year came and they had all planned a trip to Costa Rica, and one of the couples at the last minute couldn't go on the trip, and they had already paid and everything on the trip, all of the lodging and everything that everybody had agreed on. And that couple knew us, and so they ... I don't know how that conversation went behind the scenes there. But I imagine how I would be if we had a couples trip, and you're like, "Oh, man, one of our normal couples that goes can't go. Who do we think we all going to get along with? Who is somebody we all already know that we don't have to deal with any wild surprises?"

So we knew three out of the four couples that were on the trip. And the couple that couldn't go said, "We will gift Amena and Matt our slot. All Amena and Matt need to do is pay for flights to Costa Rica. Y'all have never seen two people hit delta.com as fast as Matthew Owen and I when we received this message. A trip to Costa Rica where we only have to pay for a flight, yes, please. Sign us up for that. So it turned out that we had just enough miles for one of us to have a free ticket, and then we just had to pay for the other ticket. So we really got our flight to Costa Rica on a two for one.

So this was around 2017 time that we took this trip to Costa Rica. And I still look back on this like, "Oh, my gosh. This was just a wild thing." I'm actually not sure if it happened today, if I would've gone so quickly. I had just had fibroid surgery that March. I think the trip was in June, I want to say. So I was still out of my recovery time, but it was a pretty major surgery and was life changing for me on a lot of accounts. So I was feeling back to myself, but I don't know if I realized that I really wasn't 100% until we got to Costa Rica, bless our hearts. I know a little bit more about my body's recovery now, so I'm not sure if I would've had the gall to do it, but we did. And I don't regret the choice because it was fabulous. If you get a chance to go to Costa Rica two for one on the flights and you didn't have to pay for anything else, you should definitely do it.

So we get to Costa Rica, and the place where we were staying, it was really dope, it was like a house that used to be a bed and breakfast vibe. And the part that would normally be the dining room, the living room, the kitchen, was actually all outdoors, y'all. Part of it was covered, but it was still outdoors basically. It had a pool in the living room, so you could wake up and just go swimming in the pool. And then I think it had four bedrooms in it that were separated away, kind of on the outskirts of the way the house was made. And so each couple kind of had their own kind of private area. And then that was the only area of the house that was fully indoors. Once you stepped out of your room, the rest of it was outdoors, which for the most part was great. According to how mosquitoes work, maybe not so much, but everything else about it was gorgeous.

Okay, so we had an opportunity to go horseback riding. And part of the horseback riding experience that I wanted was the place where we stayed had concierge experiences that they had curated, that they knew the different families or companies that were heading up these experiences, so we had read all those. And there were a couple of things that we went and did as a group. We went and rode ATVs as a group, and got a chance to experience some of those different things. But I wanted to do this thing that they offered in the concierge, where you got to horseback ride, you got to taste Costa Rican coffee, and you got to learn how to make these Costa Rican corn tortillas. Right?

And we were obviously eating a lot of food there. And whenever we ate breakfast there, I noticed that they had this corn tortilla that really to me was thicker than what I know corn tortillas to be because I was really raised in San Antonio, Texas. So I'm having that sort of Tex Mex or Mexican cuisine idea of a tortilla, but the Costa Rican tortillas were a little bit thicker. And instead of them being used to wrap things in, like a taco or a burrito, they were put on the bottom of the dish. And then for breakfast, you might have black beans on top, some cheese, some eggs on top, and that was your breakfast. And it was as delicious as it sounds, yes.

So for one of these horseback riding trips, you could go horseback riding and also learn how they make those tortillas. And I was like, "This is the thing that I need to do before I leave here." Matt and I talked about it and we were like, "Great." So when we went into town to do the ATV, when we went to the ATV, they had a whole list of experiences there too. So I was like, "Oh." I assumed, I'm going to tell y'all something, don't ever assume like I did right here, but I assumed that this was the same company because it wasn't a large area where we were. We weren't in a major, major city in Costa Rica, so I was like, "Surely this is all the same." It wasn't. So Matt and I paid in that day to go the next day to do this, what we're thinking is the horseback riding. It's going to be a tour and blah, blah, blah.

I want to tell you right now, narrator, narrator, it was not the same tour. So we meet back at the place where we had met to go do the ATV. And somebody's son, somebody's I don't know, he looked like he could've been a teenager, somebody's son picks us up in a little hatchback, a little tow down, seen its better days hatchback, and drives us to what I'm thinking is maybe his mama house. So I know a little bit of Spanish, and so does Matt. I know enough to conversationally get by. But if you start getting in depth conversation with me, then I'm going to lose it. I'm going to be able to understand some things, but I might not be able to speak back as quickly.

Okay, so we're standing there waiting for them to get the horses together. And I'm trying to ask our guide, "Are we going to learn how to make the tortillas?" And they were looking at me like, "Hm?" But the mama went in the kitchen and started making breakfast, so we had the tortillas and breakfast. We had coffee that was delicious. And then after the mama made it, she was standing in the doorway to her kitchen. So I was asking the guide, "I thought we were going to learn how to make them. Would she teach me?" And when I tell y'all she shook her head, she stared back at me like she was blocking that kitchen like, "American, I don't care. You're not getting in my kitchen. I gave you something to eat. I gave you some coffee. Get on the horse and keep it moving."

So I was like, "Oh, man." I was disappointed because I really was signing up for the horseback riding so that I could have her show me how they make these particular tortillas, so I'm kind of disappointed. Okay, so her little son leads us out on horseback. Matt and I get on the horses, and for a while, we're just riding through, taking a slow little ride. But it's not really a view because I remember the other one said that you would also end up on your horseback riding trip, you would also end up seeing the beach and stuff. So we keep going, we keep going, and I'm looking at: How do I ask this young man how far we are from the beach in Spanish? Right? And before I could get that together, y'all, it poured down torrential rain on us while we were on horseback. And the type of road we were on, there was really hardly any place to go. We had to ride for a while to finally find someplace that this little child could pull off so that we could stand under a little awning or something until this wild rainstorm passed.

So while we're standing there, we're trying to get from him: How far are we? We ride for a little bit longer and I'm like, "Are we close to the beach?" And we finally realize he doesn't really have an idea of how far we are from anything. So at that point, Matt is like, "Hey, can you just take us back to where you dropped us off?" So he turns us around, we ride the horses back to what I'm assuming is his mama house, and another little child picked us up in that little hatchback and drove us back. And not only was I disappointed, but obviously I am drenched. I am drenched. And for the Black women listening that are asking hair questions, I had my hair in twists, and the twists were in a bun. This is the main thing that saved me from having a hair emergency in this situation.

And I had read about Costa Rica that obviously it's a very humid place, and we were there during the rainy season, so I just left my hair twisted the entire time. I know some people were concerned. I want to speak to that, thank you. So we get back and I'm just kind of disappointed because I'm kind of like, "That was my one highlight." And I think really what happened is this family that owned this here business, I don't really think they offer breakfast and coffee with their horseback rides. I don't even know if they offered full horseback rides. I think they just heard us talking about it and were like, "I bet we could do that." I feel like one of the aunties was like, "Yeah, tell those people yes. Whatever they're asking, we'll fix it for them." So boy, I was disappointed.

And we get back to the room, and I think that was the last day that all of the couples were going to be there together, so we all went and had a big dinner at one of the Costa Rican restaurants in the area, and just hung out and drank some Costa Rican wine, which was wonderful. And Matt and I get back, and we realize everyone else is leaving in the morning, but our flight wasn't until very late that night, 9:00 or something was when we were leaving. And so Matt looks at me and he's like, "We going to the original horseback ride that you wanted." He was like, "Let's reach out to the concierge people and let's go do it." He was like, "We don't know when we're going to come back to Costa Rica and that's what you wanted. I don't want you to miss out on it." And I was like, "I really did marry well."

Okay, so we do that, sign up for the actual concierge ride. And everyone leaves ahead of us, we check out. And because the family that ran this business that the concierge was connecting us with that did horseback rides, totally different family than before, and they had all the processes together. We told them we were checking out, but our flight wasn't until later. And they were like, "We're going to come pick you up." It was a more reliable car. It was a good enough sized car that our luggage fit in it. And they drove us to their office, and they were like, "We're going to store your luggage here because our team and everything stays here all day, so your luggage will be safe." And then he drove us out to his family's farm.

And he's telling us all this information about Costa Rica on our way out there. We get out there to the farm and he's showing us the different coffee plants and things like this. And my husband is very much into coffee. This was probably really between Botswana and this trip, the beginnings of my husband really getting into coffee, coffee. So some of you know what I mean when I say that, not people like me, who are like, "Yes, I love a little bit of coffee with a lot of syrup and some whipped cream." Not you, if that's you, I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about people who just drink their coffee black because you love the actual taste and feel of coffee. And by this point in being married, Matt and I had not only been to Botswana, we'd been to the Dominican Republic. And now we were in Costa Rica, so we'd been in some areas where the coffee was very, very good.

I had traveled to Rwanda was well, which is another place of great coffee. So my husband is getting to have this pour over experience in Costa Rica, which was amazing. And the women who were in this man's family also showed me how they made those tortillas. I still have the video to this day. I was able to get a minute or so of footage watching them make it. And they had this really amazing kind of clay oven almost, that was over fire and was kind of shaped almost like a very large wok would be shaped, was shaped like that. And they were showing me how that's the way that they kind of grill these tortillas. It was amazing, y'all. It was amazing. And we get on our horses and the goal of the trip that we're going on, our horseback ride, is to get to a beach in Costa Rica. You take some pictures. You do those vibes. Then you ride the horses back to that original place. They're going to pick us up from there, take us back to our luggage.

And we had actually ended up having just enough points to get a hotel so that we could just have some place to chill for the few hours that we were going to be waiting until our flight. So I want to also let y'all know that the beach where we were going to end up on this horseback ride was the same beach where Beyonce and Jay-Z filmed Drunk in Love. So this beach is, instead of the beach being sand, y'all, the beach is ground seashells, which is not amazing for the feet. But if I'm in a place where Beyonce was, do I feel as if that probably makes us friends? Yes, so that part was great. We ride our horses out there, and then my horse is having a struggle once again. If horse ancestors work possibly like people ancestors work, I'm like, "Chestnut, is it you, buddy?" Because what are the vibes?

We're riding, and they're telling us different sounds to make, or commands to give, you want the horse to slow down, how to use the reins to slow down or speed up, as it were. And I'm trying all the things, and it's like the horses are trained. These particular especially group of horses that we were on, they're trained to sort of stay together. So if one horse starts going faster, the other horses are trained to kind of stay in a pack. So I couldn't get my little horse to slow down. My little horse kept speeding up and just taking me on. And there's a lot about trauma in the body that I did not understand at the time, which is why I tell you that this many months post surgery, maybe I wouldn't have done this. But there was something about the horse speeding up and me not being able to control the horse and feeling afraid that I'm riding on this very large animal who keeps going so fast, and I can't stop this horse.

I involuntarily start crying, sobbing on this horse. And our guides are freaked out, and I can hear them asking Matt, "Es tu esposa?" And so Matt is telling them, "Si, mi esposa. And so they pull all of us over because, y'all, we're not alone on this journey. There were other people. I didn't tell you that part. There were other people. There's three or four other people that we don't know them that are on this thing with us. So the guides are like, "Wow, this lady is sobbing. Let's pull over." And so they're talking to me. We're trying to kind of tell them in Spanish and explain to them what's happening. And the guides were very sweet and very kind, y'all. He was like, "You're going to ride with me," in the sense that he was on his horse and I stayed on my horse, but he took the reins of my horse. If I was into sermons or some message here, but anyways, he took the reins of my horse, and we just rode like that until we got to the next stopping place.

And once we got to the stopping place when we actually got to the beach, it was beautiful. I am hoping to share on social media with y'all the actual picture of Matt and I holding hands while being on these horses on a beach in Costa Rica, happening to be the beach where Beyonce and Jay-Z filmed Drunk in Love, wow, wow, which basically meant Matt and I were almost like our own version of what Beyonce and Jay-Z. I don't make the rules. That's just what it meant because we happened to be in a place where they had been.

So that horseback ride ended beautifully. I received all of the things that I wanted to receive and learn from the trip, but I'm going to tell y'all something. We rode them horses back over to the stable, got our little bags, went to the hotel, and I basically looked at Matt and said, "That's my last one. That's it." I'd had Chestnut eating the poison ivy. I done got rained on, on horseback. And now I have sobbed involuntarily on horseback. I'm good, I'm good. I've rode horseback in America. I rode horseback in Botswana. I rode horseback in Costa Rica. I told Matt, "I will never ask you to ride horseback again, and I don't want you to ask me. There has to be some other way to travel wherever we going that doesn't involve me getting on a horse." So I don't mess with horseback riding anymore. I feel like I put in my time. I gave it a try. I hope the horses live well.

I was just with a friend of mine downtown in Atlanta headed to a concert. And like many cities, we have the horse drawn carriages for people who feel like that's romantic. I don't. My husband don't never, never have to worry about me asking to feel like Cinderella in a horse drawn carriage. I don't want that. No, no. I would just like to be in a car. Let that be my carriage, horsepower drawn, not horse drawn carriage. And I'm going to tell y'all, the way they had the horses kind of pulled over to the side, this just happened to me this weekend, so I'm letting y'all know me and horses don't vibe. My friend and I are walking by, and the horses have blinders on, but the horse kept turning to look at us.

So we decided to what? Cross the other way. I'm not dealing with this with you. I don't care. I'm not doing that. And the man who was in charge of the horses, he said, "Why y'all scared? Y'all scared?" I said, "He looking at me. Your horse looking at me. You know?" You got blinders on so you can what? Stay faced forward, but now you turn and looking at me. I'm telling y'all right now, horseback riding's over for me. I've enjoyed it, had a great time. I'm retired. I'm retired from horseback riding.

But I had some wonderful times horseback riding, but it's over for me. So for those of you that are still horseback riding, I wish you well. I wish you well. I hope your horses stay on the trail. I hope that they stay at the speed that you would like. I hope you don't get rained on. But that's it for me. Thanks for listening, y'all. See y'all next week.

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 92

Amena Brown:

Hey everybody. Welcome back to a new episode of HER with Amena Brown and last episode I was talking to y'all about one of my favorite books turned to a movie The Godfather, and another book turned to movie that is a favorite of mine is Terry McMillan's Waiting to Exhale. So let us dive in. How did I discover Waiting to Exhale? I feel I discovered this as many Black women of my same age in the early 40s discovered this. Because our mothers or aunts or some woman older than us who was an adult at the time was reading these books. I feel like there are women of a certain age that really, really loved and felt so seen by Terry McMillan's books. There was a time in the 90s where it was like you go to a Black woman's house, it's an Essence, it's an Ebony, it's a Jet. It's one or two copies of various sundry books that Terry McMillan has written.

So I encountered the story of Waiting to Exhale through the book first because my mom as I have said here on this podcast, my mom is a person who loves to read. We always had different books just laying around the house or books on her wall unit, I think it was called. It wasn't a bookshelf, it was a wall unit made of bamboo actually. If somebody had that wall unit today, people would pay a lot of money probably for something that happened to feel like anyone in the 80s or 90s could have had this thing in their house. But now you would pay a lot of money for that thing, right? So there were certain books that had always been on my mom's bookshelves, right? My mom had copies of Toni Morrison's earlier books. She had copies of Tar Baby and copies of Beloved, she also had copies of some of Alice Walker's earlier books, The Temple of My Familiar and maybe The Color Purple. I'm trying to remember, I don't think my mom had a copy of The Color Purple.

I think it was the Temple of My Familiar that I remember, I read The Color Purple young but I don't remember. I think the first Alice Walker book I remember seeing was the Temple of My Familiar. So there were some books that I just remember seeing on my mom's bookshelf all the time as a child and then there were the new books that sort of entered the house and that is how I encountered Waiting to Exhale. I really can't remember if it was a book that I was sneaking to read or if my mom let me read it. I don't remember those parts. Either way I remember reading it and thinking to myself ooh. I just remember thinking this sound like this is some grown people stuff. But it was so fascinating because a lot of the earlier books that I was reading written by black authors were either written in a different time. They weren't written in what would've been considered like contemporary or modern times, or the writer may have been writing this book in the 80s or 90s but the book wasn't set in the present day or in current times.

So Waiting to Exhale was also probably one of the first adult novels that I read that was set in the present day and that was really, really interesting to see the perspectives of these adult Black women especially as a teenager reading this. But I feel like I fall in the category of a lot of Black people of a certain age that encountered this book. If this was your first time being like, "Ooh, she writing about sex scenes, it's nasty but I'm going to keep reading it." Those vibes. That was my first encounter with Waiting to Exhale. Then some years later Waiting to Exhale came out as a movie and I knew that I wanted to discuss this with y'all and then I thought to myself, I haven't actually watched this movie all the way through in a while. So my sister came over, shout out to my sister Makeda that you have met here on the podcast before for my longtime listeners and I text her, it was Friday night and I was like, "Hey, are you busy?"

And she was like, "No, why? What are you doing?" I was like, "Was just going to see if you wanted to come over and maybe watch Waiting to Exhale with me and we could eat some snacks." And she was like, "Yes, definitely want to do that." So I went and ran my little errands, got our little snacks as we do in HER living room. I did that in my living room at home as well and sort of built myself what I have to say is probably something like a charcuterie board. I felt very proud of it. I mean it was blackberries and I've also gained some additional dishes that seem to be important to a charcuterie board. So I have a couple of boards, one that's wooden and another one that is made of some other material that I can't remember now. But it's very heavy, right? Charcuterie boards tend to be heavy like that, and I have also acquired some white little small square shaped containers and that turned out to be a perfect place to put some mixed nuts or to put a jam. Right? I had my little crackers out.

I will tell you, I didn't quite go all the way to where I could have regarding the charcuterie meats. I was standing there, I went to Whole Foods and I was standing there looking at some amazing prosciutto and I don't know if I've talked about prosciutto on here. I really love prosciutto y'all, I also love my husband and it would be difficult for me if prosciutto were a man. You know what I mean? It would be difficult. I feel like maybe Matt and I would have to have some sort of a conversation about my additional love for prosciutto. I did not go all the way there, I just really got into some deli meats. It was sort of an upgraded Lunchable situation because some people who are charcuterie haters and yes this is a thing. Some people who are charcuterie haters are like, "Oh, a lot of people eat charcuterie, it's just a Lunchable." That's actually not true because I feel an upgraded charcuterie board. You're not just talking about the type of ham and cheese that you would just put on your basic sandwich, you are talking about some prosciutto.

You're talking about things that you buy from the deli that say jamon, you're talking about this type of vibe. I didn't go there y'all. I didn't go there, I decided to stick to the rivers and lakes that I was used to. So I already had some very nice smoked turkey meat from the deli. So I decided to just get a little bit of ham, because I like to eat swine for special occasions and I had some blackberries. I had the mixed nuts, I had the whole grain crackers, the stone ground wheat crackers. Then just because I'm making my own charcuterie board and no one can tell me what to do, I also purchased some guacamole because why wouldn't I do that? And purchased some pepper jack cheese because that is one of my favorite types of cheese. So my sister and I had a wonderful little snacky time while we were watching this film. Let us discuss the movie, Waiting to Exhale. Now, a part of what was interesting about rewatching this.

But even before rewatching, my nostalgic feelings about this movie are very much still connected to my mom, who was the gateway for me to have read Terry McMillan's books. Then that gave me the interest to want to watch this film, which is one of three movies that are based on Terry McMillan's books. We also have Stella Got Her Groove Back, as well as Disappearing Acts were also made into film. One of the things that I remember thinking about my mom when I was a little girl and I think I've talked about this when we did the Behind the Poetry episode on Girlfriends Poem. When I was growing up my mom always had just a small number of women friends that she really loved and was close to them. There was always a moment of them coming over where they would kind of hang out with me or play little games with me or whatever. But at a certain time at night, mom put me to bed and it was like...

I talked about this in The Godfather, the scene at the end of Godfather 1 where Kay is surely realizing that her husband is a crime boss. There's that scene where the door is closing and she's like watching them kiss the ring, right? Well, I had not quite that experience. But a different kind of moment where I sort of felt like I was watching my mom sort of close the door to my bedroom and I'm getting this little bit of window into her and her girlfriends now gathering for coffee or whatever they were going to drink. That they weren't drinking when I was out eating cauliflower and whatever with them. I just remember thinking when I get to be grown, when I get to be a grown lady I want to also do this with my women friends and so that has totally become a part of my life. Right? I think there was something really beautiful about the way Waiting to Exhale expressed the friendships of Black women.

Also, it really was interesting re watching the movie and thinking that this was probably the first modern contemporary piece of art that I watched where there were young, modern, Black women admitting that they enjoyed sex. Admitting that they sometimes would have these sexual experiences with men that they had no intention of having a relationship with and there were a lot of ways that Terry McMillan's work that I can now look back on and say. I wasn't a grown lady when Terry McMillan was releasing these books originally. But those books influenced a lot of what the Black women who were older than me at the time found to be true about their dating lives and how they expressed that and the freedom that they began to feel to say. Maybe I am not the traditional woman that my mother was or that my aunts were and my family, maybe I am older now than they were and I haven't gotten married yet or maybe I'm older now than they were and I'm divorced and trying to figure out that.

There were a lot of those types of dynamics to this story that I found really, really interesting to re watch at this age of life and to also reflect on what my teenage thoughts and young high school going into college thoughts were about the movie. Okay, let's talk about this film. Whitney Houston was a gorgeous human being, those early scenes that are just locked in on Whitney Houston's eyes and nose and mouth. I mean, even my sister and I were talking a lot about even the sound of her speaking voice. It's like you are watching this whole movie and her character doesn't sing in the movie ever, but there's some sort of really intriguing lilt to Whitney Houston's voice. What a beautiful woman she was, wow. We have Whitney Houston playing Savannah. Lela Rochon is playing Robin in this film, and Lela Rochon is that girl okay? During this era, Lela Rochon was that girl. She's still that girl, but she was that girl back then. The way she was dressed in this movie, the hair choices that were made, the amount of black films that Lela Rochon was in at this time.

Yes, love to see her. Angela Bassett is playing Bernadine and Loretta Devine is playing Gloria. I mean, what a cast. These four women, yes. Damn and yes. Okay, what are my favorite scenes of this movie? Favorite scene hands down is between Gloria and Marvin. Gloria played by Loretta Devine and Marvin who's played by Gregory Hines and if you're familiar with this movie. If I'm talking right now and you're not familiar with this movie, you need to get you some popcorn, plan a time in the evening or on the weekends and watch this movie because it is just wonderful. Lots of things about it are wonderful. It's a little bit of a time capsule, I'll admit. My sister and I were watching it, and there are... Obviously when you watch things that are from the 90s or from the 80s or even before then. Right? There's certain eras of time that when you watch the movie back then some of those things didn't hit you. But you're watching the movie now and you're like, that's a little... You have different commentary about what's happening.

So of course there are those elements of this movie that reflect the times in certain ways that if that movie were being made now. Some of those things would not be commentary or some of those phrases or terms would not be said, right? So it's always interesting to watch that and it was very interesting for my sister and I to watch it because my sister was just a baby really when the movie came out and I was only barely a teenager myself, really. So it's interesting to think about all of that now. Okay, let us go back to Gloria and Marvin. Let's talk about this. Okay, this is one of my favorite scenes because first of all just Loretta Devine. Just Loretta Devine is everything that is everything that is all the things, she is just so wonderful. I want to give her an award. It's interesting, especially to think about her as an actor and to think about Angela Bassett as an actor also, and just feeling like these are two actors that really have not gotten enough of their things.

I feel like they have not received the flowers for the amount of like oomph they bring to so many roles. If I can think of all the roles I've watched Loretta Devine play and seeing this one, which is a really important role in her filmography and also Angela Bassett. I think this role is very important in her filmography as well. But y'all, this scene where here we have Gloria... I guess I should give a little brief for those of you that have not seen this film or read the book. So we have four Black women who seem to be somewhere between maybe mid to late 20s and maybe the oldest woman is probably, maybe she's mid to late 30s. Right? So we probably have what could be at largest, a 10 ish year span among them right? We have Whitney Houston playing Savannah. Savannah is single as far as I am gathering from the context clues that Savannah has not been married. Savannah is wanting to be in a relationship and kind of keeps finding herself in various states of being with men who cannot commit to her.

Okay. We have Lela Rochon. Lela Rochon, if Waiting to Exhale as a cast was like the Golden Girls Lela Rochon is somehow the Betty White of the clique. She is not the sharpest person of them, she sometimes is missing the clues of what is going on in her life. But she is also single and it's interesting because she and Savannah both are having moments where they have men in their lives that are really no good for them. But kind of come in and out of their lives and are in various states of being in a separate relationship while also still trying to have a relationship with these two characters, which is very interesting. Angela Bassett's character Bernadine, she is married when we begin this movie and we watch her experience a great life adjustment. In the sense of her husband announcing to her that the marriage is over as he has decided to be in a relationship with someone else and then we have Loretta Devine playing Gloria. Gloria is a single mom, she has a son who is approaching his last year of high school.

Her ex-husband is still I want to say quasi, trying to be in her son's life and also is sort of a remedy for times that she feels lonely. Okay? So here's a bit of where each of these characters are. So we are meeting them just very full circle of the film. We are meeting each of them on a New Year's Eve and we sort of follow them for a year of their lives because the film also closes at where their lives are at the following New Year's Eve. My favorite scene involving Gloria and Marvin, Marvin is played by Gregory Hines and I need to speak to this for a moment. Gregory Hines is not an actor that until Waiting to Exhale I would've ever viewed as someone who is sexy or is a sex symbol of any kind. I just never thought about him like that. It's like the main thing I have in my mind is Gregory Hines mostly as a dancer. But here we have Gregory Hines moving in as across the street neighbor to Gloria.

We find him in a muscle shirt moving his things, Gloria does not even peep game that he is the neighbor based on how he's dressed and I feel the context clues based on him being a Black man in Phoenix. Because the story is set in Phoenix Arizona, I feel her assumption was he is helping these people move into the neighborhood. So Gloria sashays her beautiful curvy self over across the street, sits down and does a little tea outreach. She's trying to find out from this man who she thinks is moving the neighbor in, where for a pray tell who is the family moving into this house. Of course, it becomes this funny exchange because he is the family, he is the neighbor. Right? So when she discovers that he's actually the neighbor, she does what a good southern woman would do and we're not really given in the film. We're not given where all of these characters are from before they arrived in Phoenix. But based on Loretta Devine's accent, it always gives something southern and she is showing me some very southern things in her way of being. Right?

She has this moment where as you would, you would offer food to someone who has just moved because they don't have their kitchen unpacked and all those things. It is my dream as a southern woman myself, who comes from up to at least four generations of southern women. There is something about the readiness of either having food made if someone were to need food or come by and need something to eat or you end up with a last minute house guest or something. There was something about the preparedness of a southern woman that just feels the need to potentially have enough of a little something to eat and I'm going to give y'all an example. My husband's aunt, his aunt Sarah, I think they actually say aunt, I think it's Aunt Sarah on his side. But on my side of the family, we say aunt, you know the vibes. You know how you have different families, say aunt, aunt, auntie, all those things? Okay. So on my side of the family, we say aunt but on Matt's side of the family we say aunt.

So Matt's aunt Sarah his dad's sister, when Matt and I were dating I ended up with a college gig not far from where she lived and those of you that don't know about how college gigs work. It is not a glamorous life, it can be well paid sometimes, but it's never glamorous because a part of it is typically you get paid a flat rate. So at first the amount of money feels like a lot, but then when you start subtracting how much it's going to cost you to travel there, how much it's going to cost you to get lodging there. You really end up having to really think about your budget. So you may get what you feel initially is a good amount of money, but then you have to decide can I afford to pay for a plane ticket or do I need to really be on my budget and drive? And at that time I needed to drive. So I drove so far and then I was like, okay where she lives would be a perfect place to stop and she's very sweet.

I reached out to her and was like, "Hey, can I stay with you even though I just started dating your nephew?" I think Matt and I had only been dating maybe a few months at the time. But we had gotten serious enough by then that we'd met each other's families and it was pretty clear with us and with our families that our intention was to get married. Right? So she says, "Yes, you can totally stay with me, message me or call me or something. Let me know when you're getting close by." So I did that. So y'all I probably get to her house, this is 11:00, I'm going to get to her house and basically crash and then have to get up still pretty early. I have to get up several hours later and then drive a little bit more ways to actually get to the gig. Right? I pull up to her house and these are dream southern woman things. I pull up there and she's like, "Are you hungry? I've got hummus, I've got salad. I can make a sandwich."

She listed what felt like 1000 things and I was like, oh my gosh I love southern women to no end. I love it so much. Because same thing would happen if we went to my grandma's house, we would go to my grandma's house and drive to her house. Sometimes you get there 11:00, midnight, Grandma's like, "Y'all hungry? Y'all thirsty? I got some Kool-Aid, I got some sweet tea, I made some tuna fish salad." I can also list all these things and this is the kind of southern woman I long to be. I want people to somehow end up at my house at the last minute and I'm like, "Oh my gosh, y'all are hungry? Forget DoorDash, I just got a little bit of fried chicken, some candied yams and ham hog, a little broccoli, rice casserole, little collard greens, little Swiss chard."

This is Gloria talking to Marvin when she was like, "I'd love to bring you some dinner, have my son bring over a plate." She was like, "It's not much, it's just some biscuits, some collard greens, some candied yams, maybe a little bit of sweet potato pie and some collard greens, some sliced tomatoes." I mean, I'm making up stuff. But she listed what you would typically have for a holiday dinner as something she just happened to be cooking one time and this is the kind of southern woman I strive to be. Okay? Loved to see that in this scene. But the best part of the scene is this, after Gloria offers Marvin dinner and Marvin's like, "I don't know, I got so much to unpack." She's like, "That's okay. I'll send my son by with a plate. Nice to meet you Marvin." She sashays herself back across the street and she has this moment where she's like is he watching me? And of course he was watching and she looks over her shoulder.

Oh my God, he's still watching. Y'all, the best scene in the movie for me. My second favorite scene is when Angela Bassett's character Bernadine burns all of her ex-husband's shit. I don't even think at the time she's burning it he's her ex husband. He is still her husband at this time and this is a man who after she got dressed for their usual New Year's Eve activities, having to go to some event related to his job or whatever. She's there sitting at her Clair Huxtable vanity, this is the vanity that little girl Amena just really thought she was going to have when she became a grown woman. Those of you that watched the Cosby Show growing up, when Clair would sit at that vanity and brush her hair every night. I was like this is some grown woman shit, Ima do too, this sounds great. Narrator, she does not have a vanity. I do not have a vanity. Also, I do not have the kind of hair that can be brushed the way that Clair Huxtable and Bernadine were brushing their hair.

But I will just put a pin right here and tell y'all that I did get my hair straightened earlier this year in the spring, and that was the first time that I really had that experience of whipping that hair around and hearing that sound the brush makes when you brush it. So I'm going to get my hair straightened a couple of times a year, and I will reenact having these vanity moments. Where somehow you have a brush that matches a comb, that matches some kind of big powder puff thing you put on your face. This is all the stuff that I'm assuming is at the vanity that Bernadine had that was very similar to Clair Huxtable. So we find her dressed beautiful, makeup is done, jewelry, her husband's like, "I think we should have a change of plan tonight type of thing." And she's smiling thinking like, yes I don't want to go to this party anyways. Maybe we could watch a movie together, we could hang out.

No, this man is telling her that he's been having an affair with his secretary and he want to take his secretary to his work event and flaunt her around the place. There is a lot about Angela Bassett's character in this film that really touched me. As a person who unfortunately understands more levels of grief than I wish I did, the way she sort of entered a depression first. Where this man that she been married to all these years, she helped him build up his company and his career. This man just all of a sudden decided this shit is inconvenient now. He just doesn't want to be with her anymore after she had the two kids, everything. You watch her really get into this very deep level of sadness and she is in this bath robe, sends her kids off to school and decides that she needs to burn his shit down to the ground. A girl has been in therapy talking to my therapist about my anger, and I actually thought to myself I don't have this type of relationship with my own husband so I have no reason to burn my husband's things.

But you know how they have these places where you can go... Smash rooms, where you can go and bang TVs and break glass and stuff. They should also have some type of a Waiting to Exhale Bernadine themed room where you somehow can go up in somebody's... It's like no one's closet. They just put some random clothes there and you could take them off the rack, tear them off the rack and then there's a lot of layers to how she burned up his shit. Okay? She takes his stuff down off the rack, she stuffs it through the sunroof of his car, puts the garage door up, pulls his car out to the driveway, lights her cigarette and then burns everything. Dress shoes, sneakers, suits and his car. Wow, I really would love a smash room themed on Bernadette where you could just go in and basically do this whole thing she did. That sounds great, I feel like that would be some great anger expressions. Whoa.

Also, last scene that was kind of tender for me and my sister and I were watching the movie thinking this was such an interesting plot choice in the novel as well as the movie itself. Where once Bernadine's divorce is final, she is in the bar at the hotel where she has just sat in whatever the closing room or whatever they did to sign all their documents and stuff, whatever boardroom they had there. She's sitting in the hotel bar just reflecting on life as I'm assuming one does when you're like, wow this really wild thing just happened to me and now that's over. Here we meet a young Wesley Snipes playing this character that Bernadine meets and they kind of have this interesting kinship, right? Wesley Snipes character is married, but his wife is dying. So she's been sick so long that he and his wife do not have a physical relationship anymore and there's this interesting moment where they end up going up to his hotel room and here they are both contemplating, am I ready to do this?

She's there like am I ready to have sex with someone else like this that's not this now ex husband? Am I ready to do this now that the divorce is final all the things? Then he's there like am I ready to do this even though my wife is dying, even though I know that she wants for me to be happy and wants for me to move on at some point. Can I have sex with someone that's not my wife while my wife still lives, even though she's not the wife that I knew from when she was healthy? All these things. It was very tender that the plot choice was not for these two characters to actually have sex. But these two characters kind of just lay in bed and cuddle together, which is a very intimate thing to do and the way the sun came up on them. Just so many things. So there's a lot about that, when I saw that scene I turned to my sister and said, "I wonder if this book were being written today would this be the scene?

Or would the two characters have just gone ahead and had sex? Then they would've had to deal with whatever the results or possible fallout for them emotionally or whatever would've been from that choice." There's just certain choices that Terry McMillan made in her writing as well as Forest Whitaker made in directing this film as well, plus the actors. So it was very tender. It was a very tender scene and I love any opportunity where you get a chance to see these two Black characters be so tender and soft with each other in this moment. That was wonderful to see for me. I love a little tender thing, that's just me in my 40s now. Also, we need to talk about this soundtrack. Keda and I, we're watching the movie also listening to the music and I was like this soundtrack is really... It's extraordinarily banging, wow. It feels a bit more rare today that I watch a movie and also love the soundtrack.

I have quite a few movies that I love the soundtrack of but I have to say most of them were made in the mid to late 90s and some early 2000s maybe. But I haven't loved a soundtrack like that from a movie in the last 10, 15 years that I can think of right now that I'm like, oh my gosh yes. Waiting to Exhale had some bangers, obviously we have Whitney Houston's Exhale (Shoop Shoop). We also have Tony Braxton's Let It Flow. We have Brandy's Sittin' Up In My Room and we have a quintessential tune from this movie Mary J. Blige on the Not Gon' Cry. This is one of those songs that I remember singing my guts out too in the car or in my room listening to my little clock radio that I had in my room. That sounded old as hell, sorry y'all. Anyways I remember singing my guts out, when I haven't lived through any of these things that Bernadine went through because Mary J. Blige is really singing from Bernadine's perspective.

I mean, she opened up that, "I was your lover and your secretary working every day of the week." When Mary J. Blige got to that hook right there, said, "I'm not gon' cry." Okay? Because you're not worth my tears, Mary J. Blige made a hit right there. I just somehow at however old I was, my teenage self somehow became a brokenhearted grown lady just belting this song out. Shout out to Mary J. Blige And Not Gon' Cry. I also want to give a special shout out to Chaka Khan's cover of My Funny Valentine. I love me some Chaka Khan, okay? But my favorite Chaka Khan is typically fast song Chaka Khan, this is, Do you love What You Feel? That version of Chaka Khan, them fast songs. That Tell Me Something Good Chaka Khan, that's the type of Chaka I normally like. But Kita and I were watching the movie and Kita was like, "Who is this? Who is this singing this?" It's almost like sometimes, because Chaka Khan has so many dance hits you forget how melodious and jazz filled that vocal is.

So if you are a person who loves jazz standards, you should definitely listen to this soundtrack to get Chaka Khan's version of My Funny Valentine. Yes. Okay. Other thing that needs to be discussed on this soundtrack is Count On Me. I mean that song just... Whitney Houston and CeCe Winans on this song right here. First of all, the vocals were just unmatched, unparalleled and I love a good friendship song and there is just something about Count On Me that it just touches my heart every time. Because I think most of us, a lot of us would be able to think of very specific people that when you are singing that please believe me when I say you can count on me and then at the end when Whitney and CeCe would trade the vocals. Man, this soundtrack is bringing us so many gifts. I myself am going to have to revisit it, yes. What can we say about Waiting to Exhale? Even re-watching the movie, it's just wonderful and I love a time capsule of Black culture and Black history and Black herstory and I don't just mean that in the cliche way.

I mean in the way that this book and this subsequent movie became this time capsule of what were Black women concerned about? Worried about? What were Black women wanting out of their lives? How were our friendships impacting that at the time? This was a little capsule of these fictional characters that really were this great reflection of what those relationships are like for so many of us as Black women today. So shout out to Terry McMillan for writing something that has really affected many generations of Black women now and shout out to the cast of this film. We really got a chance to see even more so these characters come to life and I really am missing Whitney Houston and that we do not have her here with us any longer. Also glad that we have this moment to view her in this film, to see this beautiful work that she and the other actors here did. So shout out to the cast and crew of Waiting to Exhale. If you have never watched this movie, watch it.

If you have watched the movie, re-watch it. If you have not read the book, go read it and if you already read it could be a good re-read as well. Love to see it, hope to talk to y'all soon.

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Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 91

Amena Brown:

Hey everybody. Welcome back to a new episode of HER with Amena Brown. And yo, I hope y'all are really getting into these fall vibes. I really have to contemplate. Is fall my favorite season now? And I'm pretty sure that's true and not for the pumpkin spice reason some of y'all might think, but I love fall. I love the inbetweenness of it. I love the air getting crisp in the mornings and at night. I love the want to drink more warm beverages. I love the leaves and all the changing of the colors. This is, for me this is the most wonderful time of the year. I know for some of you it is Christmas. Shout out to those of you that left your Christmas trees up all year. I feel you. I feel like that's kind of fall decor for me. It's the pumpkins and the acorn squash and the cornucopias.

It is all of the nice earth tone kind of candles. It's all of that red, orange, yellow kind of color scheme. This is the mood board right now. So I hope that y'all are enjoying a little bit of the fall-time. I also wanted to thank y'all for something. A few of y'all have reached out to me about these last couple of episodes, and I just want to tell y'all that it really means the world to me. I got some DMs about the episode where I was talking about the times in my life that I threw away my air quote secular music. And it was just wonderful to get a chance to dialogue with a couple of y'all about that episode in particular. And was lovely reading and interacting with the comments on the episode about my favorite Atlanta eats. So love to see that. I saw that a few of you are going to be traveling to Atlanta soon. So yes, please continue to use this podcast episode and that social media post as a resource. And if you discover any new eats, a girl wants to know about it.

For this episode and my next episode, I have thought about two books that also became movies that were very influential in my life. So I am starting that with my favorite movie of all time, all time, The Godfather. Let's dig into it. Okay. First, let's talk about how I discovered The Godfather. And what's interesting is when I think about the art that I discovered that really had a big impact on me, it is interesting to think that there was this time between 12 and 16 where a lot of the art that I came to love, that really influenced my ability to want to tell a story, it's just interesting to think that I was that age when I was discovering a lot of this art.

That's a wild thing to think now because I was about 12 when I first tried to read Toni Morrison's Beloved. I just remember being like, I don't understand what's going on at all, but this is beautiful. And that sort of putting in me these early feelings of wanting to become a writer. And I was not far from that age the first time I saw The Godfather. And I'm pretty sure I was not catching this movie from the beginning. And I think it was just a scene of two people in the car, that were in the back of a car talking while they were riding somewhere.

And I just remember for the first time, there was the first film I remember noticing the use of shadow and the use of the beautiful cinematography to also tell the story, not just the dialogue and not just what the actors were doing as they played their roles, but how the shadow and the lighting was also trying to communicate to you as a viewer, who is this person you're watching? What is it that they're about? Is it dangerous? Are we watching something that's cloaked or clouded in some way? And I was like, what is this? I just remember being very, very attracted to it.

But to continue to tell my age on this podcast, I caught the movie on television. So there wasn't a way at that time for me to rewind it or anything. And I'm not sure if at this age we still had a membership or whatever you paid. What am I saying? No, there wasn't a membership to Blockbuster. You just went there and rented things. You paid when you rented it. So I don't know, I feel like we were sort of out of that time of life where we were using Blockbuster a lot. So it didn't even occur to me to rent The Godfather and watch it. I caught it on TV and then I kind of had to wait, look through TV guide, woo child tell our age on the podcast, honey, look through TV guide or something so you would know the next time the movie was coming on, but that could be a while.

So I just remember seeing that and being like, whatever that is, I need to find out more information. And I am to this day, not sure how I discovered that Mario Puzo was the author, but I actually went and read the book first before I saw the full film. And I just fell in love with the book. I remember very distinctly, by this time I'm probably, I don't know, maybe I'm late high school, early college time or something, I don't know why it's all muddying together, that I remember watching that little snippet of the movie and then I remember reading the book and I'm wondering if I read it again. I think I read it again in my late high school, early college.

But I get the book, I read the book. And what fascinated me about reading this book, especially probably trying to read it so young, is by this time I'm probably 13 or 14, I'm thinking reading this book. And what I loved about the beginning of this book is it really had a cyclone kind of structure to me, very how the top of a tornado is so wide and then you get down further and further into the cyclone and it narrows and narrows and narrows. To me, that was really the beauty of Mario Puzo's writing is you're reading these different chapters and you're like, huh, okay, here's a character, okay, here's a character. And you're not quite sure how they're connected or why they matter to the story really. And then the more you read, the more you see how all of their lives are kind of intertwined. Chefs kiss.

Okay, so after I read the book, I then went back and watched the first two movies. And these are not short films, these are long movies. But I finally went back and watched the first one, which to me, and it's hard to say, the first Godfather to me has this element of moving very slowly in some places. If you don't truly love the sense of storytelling or if you're not into watching film for its storytelling, and especially now, I mean to think of the timeframe that The Godfather was being released in the seventies versus a lot of the movies that are released in a mainstream way now, you're just not used to that kind of slower pace of allowing a story to be told unless you watch a lot of independent films. I feel like there are still a lot of independent films being made that allow that sort of slow presence. For those of you that watched the movie, The Hours, The Hours was a very slow kind of film, but woo, when it started wrapping up and coming together, it was so satisfying.

And so I think it's important for those of you that love storytelling and those of you who love film, to try your hand at watching something that isn't going to be this quick action packed kind of story. Watch something that you have to have more of a braising kind of experience. You're not going to be able to do a quick fry on this situation. And that's very much like the first Godfather to me, that it moves very slowly. You're trying to figure out and discover what it is that's happening. And what I loved about The Godfather One is this presentation of the idea of the Don. And of course we're watching this in this Italian family that is being presented in the film and getting a little bit of what is being presented in the movie as something that could be a part of Italian culture for some Italian folks.

And it's just fascinating to me, the layers of the business that the family is doing and the additional family layers that were there. And the director of Francis Ford Coppola, who also does some really nice wines. Shout out to that. He talked a lot about how he didn't want it to just be a movie about crime. He wanted it to be a movie that was about a family. And I think The Godfather set this very interesting precedent that you then see a lot of movies following. I think The Godfather is a very foundational film to watch as an artist or as a storytelling person, because once you watch it, then you can see, oh, I can see how these other shows got built around this type of story. I can see how these other movies got put out after that because of some of the decisions that Francis Ford Coppola and the Godfather crew made at the time.

And this idea that this is a family that is doing crime, it's living a life of crime and this is still a family with the parents and the siblings and the sibling rivalry and who felt they were important and who didn't feel they were important. And all of those dynamics that you are seeing the characters there, but you're also immediately maybe thinking of your own family or thinking of friends of yours. And I think that is a beautiful thing that happens when something is really well written and well done like the Godfather was. I also want to give a special shout out to the Godfather showing the importance of having a true gangsta boo. And I'm hoping these are not spoilers, but if you haven't watched The Godfather, these probably are spoilers, but the Godfather's also been out since the seventies. So this is not as if I am spoiling a episode of something that's coming out every week right now. So it's a spoiler, but it's okay. It's spoilers all over the internet about the Godfather.

So in Godfather One we are meeting the father, Vito Corleone. We are meeting him and his children, his sons and one daughter. And we are meeting Michael who is the unwilling heir to the crime family. And if you haven't watched, all of this will make even more sense of course once you watch it. And Michael is dating a woman named Kate and how the Godfather, and how the first movie ends is still so wonderful and so telling for me, that Kate is of the impression that she is dating and then subsequently marries this man who is from a family whose values he now rejects. And it's her job as his lady, as his now wife, to be about a life that he really wants for himself that is in opposition to the life of the rest of his family, of his parents and his siblings.

Well of course Kate realizes way too slowly for me, that it is not that her husband is the opposite of his family. He is exactly like his family. He is all of the things that he did not want to become, and now she has to decide will she or will she not, be a gangsta boo? Let's talk about what a gangsta boo is. Okay. A gangsta boo is someone who is in a romantic relationship with someone who is doing gangster activities, some elements of crime activities. And to me, a true gangsta boo is someone who will not put their head in the sand regarding what their boo actually does. You're not going to be like, oh no, he told me he's an accountant during the day. I'm ignoring the wads of cash that I find sometimes in the bathroom cabinet.

That to me is not a true gangsta boo. You are putting your head in the sand regarding the fact that you are probably dating someone who has maybe had to murder other people in order to keep the family intact or whatever. You're talking about, someone who would resort to violence or whatever other things needed to be done. And I feel like you need to just go ahead and acknowledge your boo is a gangster, that makes you a gangster boo. And every time I watch various sundry things that are organized crime related, I will definitely turn to my husband in the middle of it and be like, "Oh, this person is not being a good gangsta boo".

You need to just go ahead and just get in there, you need to get involved. And we're going to talk a little bit about other shows to me that fall in the category of also being about organized crime here in a minute. But you need to go ahead to me if you're going to be, I'm talking fictional gangsta boos in these types of stories, it's like, go ahead and just jump in there. Go ahead and be like, "Okay, so we in a crime family, what are the vibes? If the cops come and pull me over, what's the stuff I need to say? Where are we hiding things so that I can be cool and be calm and be collected?"

Now of course there are times where the gangster character in the story wants their boo to remain totally clueless and they do that intentionally for protection. I think that's a different thing. I think it's different with the gangster person is like, I'm going to make sure you don't know anything that way. The cops, the FBI, whoever come in here looking for me, they pull you into the station, start asking you a bunch of questions. You could literally be like, you really don't know because I didn't tell you anything on purpose because I don't want you to go to jail.

I think that's one thing. I think it's another thing when the boo maybe doesn't have all the details, but they know that that money is not coming from a corporate job. They know that their boo or their spouse is not going to sit at a desk every day for 40 hours a week, and come home with wads of cash, when you're like, I'm going to ignore the signs that I'm dating a gangster, that's when I feel like you need to just choose either you just ignorant and you're not going to know anything or go on and know everything. Go on and jump in there be a gangsta boo.

Okay. The Godfather's also how I learned that I just have a great love for TV shows, movies, stories, that are about organized crime. There's something about organized crime that I just find it so fascinating. I don't want to ever do crime, but organized crime, I really like how it's set up. I like the hierarchical structure of leadership. I like that you know who to speak to about this or that. I like that depending on the type of organized crime you're running, you know if you need to not communicate on your cell phone, you need to use a burner phone. Or I've watched some TV shows and movies where the people are like, we don't even speak on the phone at all. I don't care. We're not going to take chances of being recorded or anything. So we only speak in person. Or the person who's actually the head of the organization, removes themselves layer for layer for layer so that you don't never talk to them directly.

There's so many things about organized crime that are really great and that's making me wonder if that is a part of my type A situation. I mean those of you that are Enneagram folks, I think that there's some One going on with me somewhere. I don't know what the vibes are about that, but organized crime, I want to say for the win, but mainly you go to jail, but for the win for entertainment purposes when you're watching a story. So I feel like The Godfather One was this gateway into other movies about organized crime. And I have to say for the record, of The Godfather films, is sometimes I want to say if I picked a favorite, I think that Godfather Two is my favorite. Although it's almost hard to say it because Godfather One is such a seminal work, that it's really hard to be like Godfather Two is more of my favorite. It's like there wouldn't be a Godfather Two without Godfather One.

These are nerdy things. But I have to say, I think if I were to be totally honest, Godfather Two is my favorite of The Godfather films because you're getting this wonderful opportunity to see Al Pacino and Robert De Niro in the same film, even though according to the plot of the film, you're not ever going to see them on screen in a scene together because Robert De Niro is playing the younger version of what is Al Pacino's character's father. But the genius of going in and out of both of their stories of how they both became the Godfather in their eras of time, man. And there's just something when you're watching a movie in particular, I've experienced this in watching television also, but there's something about watching a movie in particular, where you get the opportunity to see two amazing actors play in it together, that just gives it a certain crackle and a certain electricity and fire that I really, really like. And I loved that about Godfather Too.

Like most Godfather fans, Godfather Three, it's like I have to watch Godfather Three because I wanted to know how does this resolve? How does Michael's life resolve? What happens to the family? But it was not as enjoyable to watch as the first two. If it ended at the second movie, it's still super great. But I always love a ... I always love I was going to say, a nice denoument but even beyond that, I truly love a good epilogue. And I feel like Godfather Three gives us this wrap up of some of those characters in this way I liked. And there has technically been a fourth Godfather film as well, I believe. Because I did watch that one, but I don't know. I just watch it because I want to know what the story's doing now. I don't know if y'all ever watched a movie or a TV show where you love the characters so much that if there is a movie to come out, even if you don't love the movie, you're just like, well, at least I got to see how they're doing.

I kind of feel that way sometimes about the Downtown Abbey films and things like that, where you're like, Oh, it's so nice, so nice to just see. Want to see how y'all are doing? I know you're fictional, but it's just great to know how you are. So here are the other things that watching The Godfather and loving the show of led me to also be into. Other movies and TV shows about organized crime. Obviously this led me into Scarface and Goodfellas and Donnie Brasco, which also led into New Jack City, which is a fantastic organized crime family movie. The family setup is different. You have all of these Black characters sort of running this crime family during the crack era in New York. Wonderful film. We have American Gangster with Denzel Washington playing a character from real life, Frank Lucas.

And then I love also, to watch shows that are about corporate crime because I think when we start talking about organized crime and we think about the movies and TV shows that have been made, there are certain narratives that those types of stories lean on. And some of those narratives are coming from things that we do watch happen in real life, that people who have been immigrants in America, people who have experienced poverty in America, that they create opportunities for themselves around organized crime in a way to help themselves in a way that the system in America was not created to help them. And then in some ways, as we find out through some of these organized crime stories, that the system in America was totally created to make it so that crime is the way that you would need to try to create sustenance for your family, which is wild. Wild.

Okay, so because I also love corporate crime, this got me into some TV shows. I love Succession. Okay, yes, I love Succession. This succession is giving me the combination of feeling like this is a show that is somehow about organized corporate crime while also being a bit Shakespearean and love to see that. Shout out to Damaged as a TV show. To the Power Universe that is on television, to Narcos on Netflix.

Also, I got down this rabbit hole of these documentaries and dramatized series based on the corporate crime at WeWork and Uber and Theranos. Woo, y'all. I mean. I also have to give a TV shout out to Breaking Bad and The Wire, also two shows that were really built on the ideas of organized crime. And The Wire was a particularly seminal work to me because The Wire was saying organized crime isn't just about people who deal drugs. It isn't just about people who are running gambling and prostitution. It's also about the education system. It's also about the government, that these are places that organized crime also exists. Yes, yes, yes. Love a layered story, love to see it.

So just giving you a little bit of ideas of how organized crime is not just mafia stories. That organized crime can show up in a lot of different ways in TV and film and almost any time it shows up, ooh, yes count me in, because I love a good organized crime story. So do I own the Godfather Box set? Yes, I do. That has all three films, that has the behind the scenes kind of little documentary thing, that has commentary from Francis Ford Coppola. Yes, Yes, I own that. And it is great.

And I am currently reading, I haven't finished it yet, but I'm currently reading Leave the Gun, Take The Cannoli by Mark Seal, which is fascinating as a fan of The Godfather to hear what is in a way feels like this kind of book of the oral history of how the Godfather got made. And as a storyteller, as an artist, it is inspiring to think about, when I think about Francis Ford Coppola now, how revered he is as a director, and to think that when he was directing this movie, he got fired more than one time and was almost about to get fired several times in the film. To think that Pacino was not who the movie studio wanted to play the character of Michael Corleone. I mean, it's wild to think that Marlon Brando was seen to have been a washed up actor before he played Vito Corleone in this movie. So that book has been fascinating.

And then a TV show called The Offer, which is a dramatized series about the making of the Godfather premiered. And I watched it every minute and just loved it. A lot of the story of that seems very similar to what Mark Seal is bringing out in his book with all the different interviews he did of the different characters. So it's very meta to watch The Offer because you're watching actors not only play who was involved in the production of The Godfather, but also play the actors. And you have these very quintessential scenes of the movie that you're not quite seeing them being played, but you're seeing how the scenes got set up and so great, so great.

To this day, what do I love about The Godfather? I love that when you watch The Godfather, no matter if you watch it today and you've never seen it, you will immediately understand so many other movie references. Because there are so many other movies that have been made post The Godfather that make little references here. There are a lot of pop culture references that came out of The Godfather, the horse's head in the bed, the phrase "Take the gun, leave the cannoli" always get it confused y'all. I want to say is leave the gun. It's actually "Leave the Gun, take the cannoli". But I say it the opposite way sometimes. But yes, that phrase or even that idea, even if it's not gun and cannoli, even that phrasing, you will see pop up in other movies and TV shows.

My husband and I always think about the sentence, "Oh Paulie. Won't see him no more," because there's a scene in The Godfather where someone named Paulie betrayed the family and made it easy for someone else to attack one of the capos in the family. The phrase "Sleeps with the fishes," the phrase "Go to the mattresses." All those are things that come from the Godfather. So there's something about watching it and then thinking about other movies you've seen, and you will now, it's like a whole other technicolor world of things will open up to you that you will get.

And another thing I love about The Godfather is just this idea of how powerful storytelling can be. That this movie that was not an easy movie to make actually made such a huge impact. This movie that did not fit in the confines of what people thought could be a successful movie at the time and was absolutely successful. And so thinking about that just encourages me to not feel like I need to create in the box. And I honestly, y'all, I am a personality that loves structure. I love a box. I am not a person who's automatically always going to be just thinking way out in left field somewhere.

But I think it is important to not feel like you have to keep to the conventions of whatever it seems like people are doing in your industry or in your field. You don't have to stay in that box. You can make things that can be really successful that people may not be used to, that people may not know what to do with at first. Those things don't mean that that thing shouldn't be made or shouldn't be created. So shout out to the Godfather, shout out to all of the other organized crime stories to come. And even bigger than that, shout out to all of the storytellers. For the storytellers that are listening here, there are a lot of ways to be a storyteller, and I hope that we all remain encouraged to tell the stories that need to be told, to tell the stories that are important to us, to take Toni Morrison's advice and write the stories that we would want to read.

So I hope you've got a little inspiration. If you have not seen The Godfather, I really personally want you to watch it so we can talk about it. That's how I feel. Thanks y'all for listening. See y'all next week.

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeart Radio. Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

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Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 90

Amena Brown:

Hey everybody. Welcome back to this week's episode of HER With Amena Brown. And I've been talking about a lot of firsts, our last few episodes here. And my thoughts about my first concert came to my mind. And this conversation we're about to have today is a little akin to the conversation we had in the episode where I talked about that time I threw away my music, right? Because when you grow up in certain types of church settings, a lot of times your first concert is at church.

And I do have quite a few friends that we all have this story to tell. But once you grow up and you get to be an adult and you're on a date or at a dinner party or at a work function, and people start going around and talking about their first concert and you have insert name of really obscure Christian band to say as your first concert, it makes your life a little weird.

So it's almost like for a lot of us who grew up in sort of conservative Christian environments, you really have two first concerts. You have the first concert you went to that was likely at church, and then you have your first concert that you ever went to that was not at church. And typically when you're at the date, when you're at the dinner party, when you're at the work function, and this question comes up, you never say your church answer.

But it is fun to say it to other people who may have grown up similarly to you. So, shout out to those of you that are listening that totally feel me, that this is also how you grew up. And if you did not grow up this way, then here in lies a window where you can experience what it was like for many of us growing up in church environments.

So my first full length concert that I can remember was a Christian, what I would almost consider to be like a Christian R&B group called Dawkins & Dawkins. And I think they were brothers, I think, but they had a very smooth kind of R&B vibe, very akin to what would've been Jodeci or Dru Hill or Shai of that era in the mid '90s, probably at this point early to mid '90s.

And they came to our church, performed as a duo. And I will give the church I grew up in a lot of props because they really tried to do a lot of things to engage us as young people and to try to, in their own church way, stay up on what was important to us as young folks. And this was the Bad Boy era and the era of Total and there was a very specific kind of R&B sound.

And I think in their own way, they wanted us to know that there were alternatives, I guess, to the music that we would hear on 106 & Park ... I'm showing my age now ... on 106 & Park or on BET's Video Soul back in the day. They wanted us to know there's other music that you can listen to that has some of those same beats and grooves that you like but with a message that we want you to hear, we as the Christian adults want you to hear.

So I totally loved Dawkins & Dawkins as a teenager, I probably bought a couple of their CDs. And then I'm about to tell y'all a wild story that uses some terms from an era that if you didn't grow up in that era, you're going to be like, "What are you saying?"

So back in the day when I was in high school, what I think most people today would call talking, right? So if you're dating someone, the phase before y'all started dating was the phase where y'all were talking, which is sort of this interesting time where you're getting to know each other, but it's very non-committal. No one has decided they want to be exclusive with anyone.

You're just talking, but you're definitely flirting. It is not a platonic scenario. You're definitely flirting. You may definitely be talking late at night or someone you're talking to when your day is over kind of vibes.

So in high school, bless our hearts, we called this macking. It is just wild to think that there was a term that you used so much and so heavily in high school, that now there's only people of a certain age that grew up in certain environments would even remember that term now, but we called it macking then.

And a part of it was the equivalent of what people mean today when they say talking. But I think another part of it was also sort of like if you were macking, you also had a roster of people that you were talking to. So you were never just talking to the one person. And I had a guy friend that I went to church with, but he was a couple of years older than me. And so he would of describe to me what he was doing when he would be macking ... Every time I say it.

He would describe to me what he was doing. And he would basically say, "If you're really going to be a good mack," this was also during the era where pimp was used very, very loosely. That is not a word for various reasons today that I used loosely like that. But when I was in high school, you would also say you were macking, or maybe you would say you were pimping, which has a lot of connotations that bring up a lot of questions.

But anyways, so he would say, "Well, if you're going to be on the phone doing some macking, you need to have some nice soft kind of R&B music in the background to set the mood." Well, the only music I had like that at 14, 15 years old was Dawkins & Dawkins. So I would basically be talking to boys on the phone from school and some from church too, and I would have Dawkins & Dawkins on, but turned down so they couldn't hear Dawkins & Dawkins singing the Scriptures.

And that was how I did my macking at the time, to Christian R&B, that was not about making love but was about coming to Jesus. What a time, what a time. So I did not go to my first concert that I would talk about at a dinner party until probably 10 years after this season of my life. So we've already talked that I had some eras of time where I was in and out of listening to what then I would have considered to be secular music.

So right around 2005, I want to say, I was having a really big awakening in a lot of ways. I realized around 24 years old that I really didn't know how to date. I think I had been on a date in high school, right towards the end of high school. I didn't go on any dates while I was in college. Then I worked in ministry. I wanted to say I worked for a church, but I wasn't getting paid, so I volunteered. I volunteered, but it was enough hours that it could have probably been a job I was doing for the church.

So by the time I got to be 24, I just remember starting to sort of feel like other people my age are doing different things with their time than I'm doing. And I was starting to feel this level of discomfort with myself and in my sexuality too, in a way I think, because I knew that I really was attracted to men, but I also knew that if I got in a situation where a man sort of returned that feeling to me, that he also felt attracted to me, then it was almost like I just reverted back to like I was a teenager and I turned into some sort of ... I went two ways with it.

I either turned into some sort of giggly person who cannot even say words that make sense. Or I turned into what I felt like was my homegirl persona, because I felt comfortable being around men at that time of life when I was the homegirl. And there was no attraction between us or if it was, I could use my homegirl vibe as a cover for us to not get involved in that conversation because that's how uncomfortable it made me.

So around the time that I'm turning 25, I'm realizing that I really want to get out there and date. But my church environment that I was in at the time discouraged us from dating. The church environment I was in at the time felt that dating was only for marriage. That if you were dating casually, you were basically signing up to break other people's hearts and get your heart broken in the process.

So the best thing for you to do was to kind of try to, in some weird way, remain friends with people that you thought you could marry and through friendships, suss them out and at such time as you and that person and other people in the community decide y'all should get married, then y'all go ahead and maybe y'all go out on some dates, but it's pretty serious by the time you go out on a date.

You're pretty close to being engaged. And then you get married pretty quick after that. It was sort the way that a lot of the couples in the church had had their relationships before they got married and was the way that was being proselytized to us as this is what dating needs to be. But then as a lot of us were getting older, many people that were in the church that were married, they had met their person when they were in high school sometimes, or they had met their person when they were in college or college age.

So a lot of them, by the time they were 25, between 25 and 30, they had been married or they had just gotten married or had already been married some years. And so those of us who were getting into our mid to late 20's and into our 30's, we're starting to feel like, "I wonder if they're telling us this method that just actually is false and doesn't work for everyone."

And it was around that time, which I've talked about in some previous episodes that I realized that I was in a church that was a very unhealthy environment and that I needed to leave. And my church experience, even when I was in high school and into college and right up until this time that I turned 25 was a very busy life. It was a life where if I was involved in church, that's really all I had time to do.

I didn't have time to have a separate social life. And truthfully, a lot of the people that I went to church with, would've had a lot of questions. If I had a separate social life and they'd be like, "Well, why does she have that separate social life? Why does she have those people that she's hanging out with that we don't know? What is she hiding?" That was sort of the idea, really, because God should be the center of your life. What they were preaching to us was like, if God should be the center of your life, then so should the church.

And when they said that they really meant with your time. If you're not at your job, you should pretty much be doing something related to the church because that's how we're all putting in our time to do good in the community or whatnot.

So when I realized this church that I was in, that I had been in through my whole college career and into my mid-20's, was this unhealthy place and that I needed to leave and then finally left, it was like I had all this free time. All this free time, free time to ... I mean, now looking back on it, free time to be young, free time to have fun, free time to meet new people. It was just that era of turning 25, just had a lot of openness for me and a lot of learning.

And, oh man, that was probably one of the most fun times in my whole life that I can remember is the moment that I left church. And actually for the first time, I really felt like I was living my life, that I wasn't just living a life out of obligation, but that I was actually doing things that I wanted to do, that I enjoyed doing that were helping me grow and stretching me as a person.

So my whole friend group opened up because I was meeting different people. I got back engaged in the poetry scene and got a chance to grow in that area. I was going to art galleries and writing sometimes, just walking around the art gallery and meeting people and going on dates. So this gives you the context of where my life was when I'm actually going to what was my first concert, which was pretty dope.

So Atlanta has a park called Centennial Olympic Park, which obviously by connotation of the name, you can tell that this park was constructed around 1996 when the Olympics was in Atlanta. And there were a lot of changes done to the city. And so now, the Centennial Park is this really cool place that sometimes you can go to concerts there. My husband and I saw Outkast when they did their last run of events and performances and touring. Outkast did their Outkast ATLast show in Centennial Park. So there are just always wonderful festivals and stuff to do that you can go to at Centennial Olympic Park.

So this particular summer of 2005, Centennial Olympic Park was doing a concert series called On The Bricks. And it was different concert each week for a period of six to eight weeks. And y'all, each concert was $5. So I think I invited, I don't know, I don't remember if I can say I invited everyone. I think this was around the time that Kanye West had released Jesus Walks. And I want to say it was after Kanye West's first album College Dropout had been released.

And for those of us who were in our mid-20's at the time that he released that album, that album was speaking a language to us in this really particular way. Just hearing how in that album, Kanye's trying to break out or break away from these conventions that he was told his life at that era had to be. And it was a certain type of production he was doing at that time that his music is not doing now, but it was very particular to that era.

I remember very specifically, it was my brother that put me on to Kanye West's music because my brother had heard the early versions of Through the Wire, which was a song that Kanye West recorded while his jaw was wired shut after he'd had this near death accident, car accident. So my brother had put me on like, "Yo, it's this MC. You got to hear him." And he was telling me all this stuff. And then I actually heard the song and was like, "Wow."

So there are certain things about that era when everything wasn't streaming that are really wonderful memories I have that I'm glad I have, because those are things that just won't happen the same way now. But back then, when someone was dropping an album, you really didn't have a legit way the day the album came out to be listening to it, if you didn't go to the store that day and buy it.

And I remember I went to the store the day that College Dropout came out and I had a couple of coworkers who were around my same age, because I had just started a job in corporate America at that time. And when you're working a corporate America job that you really kind of hate, Kanye West College Dropout, Kanye West Late Registration, Graduation, these are all in the vibes of someone who is working somewhere that they don't like. These are all songs that really are going to help you make it.

So I remember my coworkers and I, we had a rule at our corporate job. So technically, our lunch was supposed to be from noon to 1:00 PM, but we had observed the other people who had been working for the company longer than us, that they would take longer lunches by leaving a little earlier because basically y'all can give me the feedback if working in corporate is different now than it was in 2005.

But in 2005, especially at the company I was working at, a part of being an employee of a corporate company like that basically meant that you needed to have the appearance that you were working. The appearance of working was many times more important than actually working. And we were watching that. We were considered what, communication specialists, at our job, which basically was a glorified title for being writers. And then above us, we'd have a supervisor and then that supervisor would have a manager, and then there'd be a department manager.

So we were watching all of the people who were in positions above us waste time in different ways than we were, but they were still wasting time. But we also watched them so we could learn the tricks of how they were able to pull off wasting as much time as they did while also keeping up the appearance that they were working. So part of this trick was if lunch ... We were all salaried, none of us were hourly. So it wasn't like you were clocking in and clocking out. It was sort of honor system on your own time.

So if lunch was technically supposed to be 12:00 to 1:00, then the key was by 1:00 PM no later than 1:15 to be at your desk, looking like you're working. At least do that until 2:00 or 2:30 PM. But you could pull off taking a longer lunch if you left at 11:15 or 11:30. And as long as you were walking back in the door at one o'clock putting your bags down and going to look like you were working, you could pull it off. And we did this all the time.

So the day that Kanye West College dropout released, one of my coworkers and I, we went to Walmart because ... And I'm not as much like this now, but I still can be this way sometimes. There's just some music I prefer to listen to the clean version, because I really want to get the gist of it without having to hear too many other words that are really going to be distracting for me to maybe get what could be really important about the rest of the music.

I'm not like this as much now because I like to cuss a lot myself. So it's a lot of expletives for me now, but we'll save that for another episode. Anyways, so my coworker and I went to Walmart because that was the one place you could go to buy the recent CDs that were coming out and you could buy them in clean versions, because at that time, Walmart only sold clean versions of music.

So we went to Walmart, left work at 11:15, picked up our Kanye West CDs, put the CD in the car and started listening to it, went to Wendy's because that was one of our go-to spots, so we could get food. And basically park in the parking lot, eat our food and just listen to the album.

So I knew I wasn't alone. A lot of my friends my age, that by this time I had sort of picked up from different places. A lot of them still from church and then some people that I was meeting in other places, we were all looking forward to this album coming out and it was big conversation among all of us. So when the information was released that there was going to be this concert featuring Kanye West $5, I think I at least started the conversation. And then it turned out that a few pockets of different friend groups connected to me, had all been talking about this and we all decided to do a big meetup.

And the way the concert was set up, it's outside. I don't think you can have chairs. It's either you're standing or you're sitting on a blanket or something. So everybody had different cars filled with people and blankets and towels and whatever, so you could enjoy the concert. My mind wants to say, maybe you could bring a cooler or something. I think you could bring a cooler in. And so you could bring your own drinks or whatever. And a bunch of us met up and piled all in our cars or whatever and drove down there.

And that was my first concert. Number one, that I got to experience to me, my first "real concert" with a group of friends in my mid 20's, when we're all sort at this era in our life where we're at our entry level jobs, trying to figure out so much about our lives, trying to figure out our spirituality, trying to figure out how we express our sexuality, trying to figure out dating and relationships, trying to figure out career or grad school or entrepreneurship or whatever.

We all had so many things that we were trying to figure out. And part of the theme of College Dropout was here's young Kanye West, feeling like he has the potential to make a career of music, but his parents having wanted him to go the way that they did, having wanted him to get his degree and get this certain kind of job and live this certain kind of life and him realizing he wanted to really break a lot of the conventions of that.

And a lot of that theme and message was so poignant among us. And at that time, Jesus Walks was the big single. And I think a lot of us knew the rest of the album somewhat, but really knew that song in particular. And so that song was kind of the centerpiece of his performance.

And he also had a young singer with him, and we had no idea who he was. Now, all these years later, I know that that was a young John Legend who was performing on stage with Kanye West and playing piano. So a lot of all of the singing parts of different hooks and things from Kanye said at that time, John Legend was there. So we actually saw Kanye West and John Legend for $5.

And I just remember when that beginning bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, like beginning of Jesus Walks comes on and everybody stands and watching everybody's hands raised and saying those words together and singing the hook together. I mean, I still remember that as one of the most powerful moments I ever experienced at a show or at a concert.

So yeah, that's my dinner party story. My first "concert" was seeing Kanye West and John Legend in Atlanta, Centennial Olympic Park for $5 in my mid-20's, surrounded by so many friends that were sort of in my same phase of life. And my whisper's actual first concert was definitely a Christian R&B group Dawkins & Dawkins in a church.

So there's that. What were your first concerts? If you grew up like me, do you have two of them and what were they like? And when you think about that era of your life, what was it like when you look back on that? And I still to this day really love live music.

I think getting a chance to see Kanye West and to see Kanye West with friends, I think that's the one thing about going to concerts now that are not separated necessarily into those categories of sacred and secular, but going to concerts where it's music you know, it's music you're familiar with. It becomes this wonderful cultural experience that you get to have your connection to the music. You get to be in conversation with the music in this way that's so wonderful.

So I'm still a big live music fan, even though we are still in the pandemic, I'm happy there are some ways that we can do sort of risk mitigation in a way where we can still experience artists doing live shows and stuff.

So that's me. That's my first concert. Send me a message and tell me what was your first concert. And if you have two like me, I'd love to hear both of your two. And thanks for listening. I hope you go and listen to some really good music after this. Talk to y'all soon.

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 89

Amena Brown:

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to a new episode of HER with Amena Brown, and I want to talk about food today. Y'all know that I love talking about favorite things, and so this episode is going to be about my favorite ATL eats, so for people who are planning a trip to Atlanta, these are the things I would tell you. I cannot tell y'all how many people I meet, and they don't know me. We just meet each other.

Sometimes it's from work or whatever, and they're always like, "Oh, yeah. I'm getting ready to go to Atlanta," or, "I'd love to come to Atlanta," and I always tell them, "If you need food recommendations, I got you." I might not be able to tell you all of the other tourist things to do in our city, but if you have need of eating recommendations, I got you, so that's what this episode is for, so that way, if you have some friends that are like, "Oh my gosh, I'm coming to Atlanta," you can be like, "Don't forget to go listen to this episode." Mm-hmm. I have lived in Atlanta since 1998, so what is that, 24 years this year? Wow, and we're actually exactly at 24 years because I am pretty sure I was moving into the dorm at Spelman College around this time of year in 1998, so I have lived here all of my adult life without moving, and that's always kind of interesting for a person that moved a lot growing up, you know?

It is so wild to me that I actually have lived someplace for 24 years, when I think the longest I'd lived anywhere growing up was maybe six years, I think San Antonio, Texas, which is why I claim that as my hometown just because I lived there the longest of all my years growing up, but now, Atlanta's home. I'm not a Georgia peach. I think Georgia peaches are those who were born and raised in Georgia, so I'm trying to campaign for being able to call myself a Georgia nectarine, or maybe a Georgia plum, because I'm not sure if nectarines are even a fruit that grows here in Georgia. Let's talk about some favorite eats. Number one, favorite soul food restaurant for me hands down is the Busy Bee Cafe.

Let me tell you what is kind of sad about this. I did not discover Busy Bee's until after I graduated from college, even though Busy Bee's was right there, almost sitting on the campus of Clark Atlanta. If you're not familiar with this part of Atlanta, there is the Atlanta University Center, which includes Clark Atlanta, Spelman College, Morehouse College, the Interdenominational Theological Center, Morehouse School of Medicine, and now, again includes Morris Brown College. Morris Brown was kind of out of commission, dealing with some financial issues and accreditation issues, but as of this recording, Morris Brown is back up and running, so now the Atlanta University Center or the AUC, as we called it, is pretty much back to what it was like when I moved here in '98. You could really be walking on Clark Atlanta's campus and you could probably throw a rock and hit Busy Bee's.

Like Busy Bee's is almost on Clark Atlanta's campus, and I never went there my whole time of college. Wow. Wow. Currently, due to the pandemic, you cannot actually go and sit down in Busy Bee's. All of the orders are to-go, which if you're in town, it is still worth ordering this for delivery.

It is still worth going there to pick it up. However, there was something really special about being inside of Busy Bee's. Busy Bee's is, as I heard all of the Southern women I grew up around, would say Busy Bee's is this big. Did y'all grow up around Black women like that, that that's how they would describe the size of something, by the snap of a finger? Love to see it.

Busy Bee's is a small, little place. It only has several tables in it, maybe. It is not one of the larger sort Southern or soul food restaurants that we have in Atlanta, but for me, it is still the best and most consistent, the macaroni and cheese, the fried chicken. I pretty much stay in that zone. I'm macaroni and cheese, fried chicken, collard greens, yeast roll, the peach cobbler. That's pretty much the zone I stay in. If I step out of that, maybe I'm blackberry cobbler.

Maybe I'm turnip greens, but nine times out of 10, I am still fried chicken. Every now and then, I will get the fried catfish, but I typically am only getting that if we also did an order of the fried chicken. What I loved about going to Busy Bee's in person was when you would get there, it would have like a hostess sign, but the hostess was also behind the bar, multitasking, so the hostess would be behind the bar, taking orders and also greeting people and pulling together to-go orders. It was such a wonderful place to go and be in person because after I started going there after college, I think honestly, what made me start going there is that fried chicken is like my husband's love language, so I want to say he had a birthday or something early on in our marriage, and I was like, "I need to find out who makes the best fried chicken." I can't remember if I took him there or if I went there and got food.

I honestly can't remember, y'all, and I was like, when I actually drove up to the place and realized where I was and thought to myself, "Oh my gosh. Why have I waited so late to discover this?," so I remember walking in to the restaurant. The hostess who is doing three or four other things, she's like, "Hey, baby. How you doing? You looking for a seat?"

"You looking to have a seat, honey?," and I told her yes, and however many people were with me, and she was like, "Okay, baby. Go ahead and have a seat. We're going to get your seat in just a little while, okay?" Then, I remember two gentlemen walked in after me who looked like they were probably around college age. They smell of weed, and I think they're regulars, so she looks at them and she says, "Oh, baby, y'all want a to-go order, huh?," and they were like, "Yes, that's what we want."

She was like, "Okay, baby. Go ahead and let me know what you want to order. Go ahead and let me know." It was just such a wonderful way that she is just gathering everyone together so quickly. Oh, yes. Then, as many of you know, I had a long period of time in my career that I worked in white evangelical sort of Christian market, in a sense, the organizations and businesses that were doing events, that were doing video work.

I did a lot of that work for a long time, and I realized after a while, sometimes people would come into the city because we were doing video shoots or sometimes they would come into the city and they'd want to have a meeting or meet up with me for a meal, and Busy Bee's would always be my go-to, because if you can't handle being inside Busy Bee's in the West end, being in this beautifully all-Black environment, then you don't need to work with me, so there were countless times that I would invite all sorts of people from ... Those of you that are familiar with Christian organizations, if I said some of those names, you'd be like, "You invited them to Busy Bee's?," and yes I did. There were a couple of times that I was unintentionally late. I didn't mean to be late, but I was, and so here, I had left these white folks, sitting in Busy Bee's, and depending on how comfortable or uncomfortable they looked when I got there showed me like, "What are the vibes about to be if we are going to be working together on something?," so I do miss Busy Bee's being open and being able to be someplace you can go and eat in person, and I hope that we eventually are able to get back to that, but for now, if you're in town, is that fried chicken worth you getting a delivery? Absolutely, yes.

It is worth that. What would be my plan B if I could not go to Busy Bee's? I feel like my plan B is Kevin Gillespie's restaurant Revival, which only is open ... I think it's only open either Thursday through Saturday or Thursday through Sunday, but that restaurant is in Decatur, and that's a pretty solid fried chicken order. It is not soul food, but it's pretty solid Southern food.

That would probably be my other replacement. My other one that was really my top replacement was Ford Fry's restaurant and JCT Kitchen, but RIP because that restaurant is closed down now, so it's really Busy Bee's for me, and if you can't get Busy Bee's, you can give Revival a try. All right. Favorite donuts, y'all. It's a lot of good donuts to be had in Atlanta, but my favorite, when I was growing up, if you had a church that you grew up in, or your church that you went to was considered to be your home church, so then, if you moved, you could decide, were you feeling like you were going to be at home enough in your new city or whatever that you were going to get a new home church, or were you like, "I don't really rock with my new city like that. I'm going to remain a member of my home church"?

You're going to send your offerings or whatever back there. Once streaming and different things came into play, you're going to listen to the sermons and stuff like that, and so I'm bringing this principle of home church over into home donut place, and Revolution Doughnuts is my home donut place. I don't care where I travel, I don't care what other donuts they make out there, and there's a lot of wonderful donuts to be had. Shout out to my sister-in-law and our popup podcast here for the donuts. We haven't recorded in a while, but if you never heard me say that we had that podcast, the episodes are out there for you to listen to our shenanigans, and so we've had a lot of time to travel even and go to different donut spots, and I still, just Revolution Doughnuts is still my home donut place.

I'm going to tell y'all how I discovered Revolution Doughnuts. I went through a period of time where I was having a lot of health issues, and particularly very hormonal issues, and so typically, many of you that may have had issues with your hormones as well or having hormonal imbalance and things like that, typically, somebody's going to start talking to you about your diet because we do eat foods that also may cause reaction in our hormones, and so one of the recommendations I was given during that time was to go dairy-free, which just felt like, "What is life if I'm going to go dairy-free?" Yikes, but I was like, "I got to do this. I got to try and feel better," so I went a year cold turkey, no dairy, but I craved donuts so bad. The only donuts I really knew was Krispy Kreme and Dunkin Donuts.

That was it, so I was just like, "How am I going to solve this?," and I had learned to cook a lot of things myself because there were quite a few things that I had to stop eating at that time, so there were some things that I just had to learn how to make myself because I was never going to find a restaurant that was going to know how to make a version of whatever that was without all of the things that I couldn't eat because of my dietary restrictions, so I just decided on a whim to Google vegan donuts, and I figured either a place is going to come up or a recipe, and Revolution Doughnuts came up, because I think at that time, they had just opened probably within the last year or so from when I had had to change my diet, and so I went over there and just really got my life together. I remember one of the first donuts I had there that really amazed me, they made a vegan creme brulee donut. It was a yeast donut, fried, as yeast donuts are, but filled with vegan like creme brulee custard, and then it had like the candied part of the creme brulee over the top of the donut. I mean, it was amazing. It was amazing.

That's still my home donut place. I have some meetings that if I'm the one that needs to bring food or snacks or whatever, it is going to be donuts for me, and it is specifically going to be Revolution Doughnuts, so if you are a dairy-free person, if you're vegan, I really recommend Revolution Doughnuts. They don't just have vegan donuts, but I would say a large portion of the menu is vegan or dairy-free. For my folks who are gluten-free or have gluten sensitivity, they do have a couple of donuts that they typically ... I think they're not typically gluten-free, but they make some that are low-gluten, if you are able to tolerate that type of thing. Then, they have some donuts that have all the cheese or all the dairy, all the meat.

One of my favorite donuts they have is called the Crunchy Mister, which I think is based on a French sandwich. I'm sure I'm going to mispronounce it, so I'm not going to say it, but I think there's a French sandwich that it's based on. I think the French sandwich is sort of this classed up version of a ham and cheese, and so it's a savory donut that has ham and bechamel. Ugh, it is ... If you have dietary restrictions and you're able to have times where you don't have to always be on your restrictions, that one is one that I will take for the team because it is that delicious, so I recommend Revolution Doughnuts.

They have two locations, one in Decatur and one in, I think what would be considered like Edgewood or Inman Park area. Love it. It's delicious, and the coffee's great, for those of you who are coffee folks too. You hate when you go to a pastry place and you're suffering through kind of bad coffee. The coffee's great, the donuts are great, I recommend.

If you are in town in Atlanta over a weekend, I do recommend BeetleCat restaurant's Donut Brunch. Their donuts, quiet as it's kept, are very high on my ... Probably Revolution's and BeetleCat's Donut Brunch donuts are in my top two donut places to try in Atlanta, but you can only get Donut Brunch on the weekends, Saturday morning and that kind of brunch into early afternoon time, and Sunday at the same time, right? What I love about both donut places though, is that they tend to have some of their donuts that they just have all year, and then they have certain donuts that come in and out of the menu based on what's seasonal, which I really love that type of stuff, so big shout out to BeetleCat's Donut Brunch. Very delicious, and also, BeetleCat has a signature Donut Brunch sandwich that's basically like in the South. There is a high-value, placed upon a fried chicken breakfast sandwich.

If you live in the South, you will see many iterations of this. You visit the South, visit different places in the South, you'll see many different iterations of this. Sometimes it's a biscuit with the fried chicken in between the biscuit. Sometimes it has an egg on it. Sometimes it has gravy.

I mean, there's all sorts of things that are based upon this idea that this is the best thing you could have for breakfast, which is either a fried chicken breast or a fried chicken thigh in between two pieces of some kind of bread. Now, here's where they do this at Donut Brunch. Instead of having biscuits or toast or whatever, there are two vanilla glazed donuts in place of where the biscuit would be. There's the fried chicken, and I think ... It depends on when you go.

Sometimes the version has been different. The last version that I had also had an egg on top, that you could order the egg where the egg was going to be kind of runny down the side, and then they also have a hot sauce that you can pour on top of it. It's enough food that probably two or three people could share it, honestly, but it's one of their signature dishes that I highly recommend. Favorite donuts, Revolution and BeetleCat's Donut Brunch. Let's talk about sandwiches.

I really and truly could probably have an entire separate episode regarding sandwiches because I'm a person who really loves sandwiches. I just think sandwiches are the best thing. My best combination is to have a sandwich with chips and a Coke, just mmm. It really ... These days, sometimes I'm not Coke.

I'm doing sparkling water and trying to decrease my caffeine and my sugar, things you start having to think about when you get to be in your 40's, but maybe should have thought about when you were in your 30's anyways, so I just love a good sandwich, okay? I have a thousand sandwiches I could talk to you about. I was actually just telling a friend recently that I feel like if I was going to have a last meal, it's a sandwich. I would be like, "Get me that such and such sandwich, okay?" I'm going to tell y'all my favorite Italian sandwich.

Now, this was my gateway entry into the sort of typical. I don't if I should say typical, but sort of like your, yeah, I would probably say your typical Italian sandwich that would have these sort of layers of Italian deli meat, would typically have a provolone, some type of peppers, oil, herb, vinegarette type of situation on almost like a hoagie kind of bread. Now that I've said hoagies, those of you that have been listening to the podcast know anytime I've had someone on here who lives in Philly, I'm always talking about hoagies like, okay. I just want to come back to that later because have a lot of emotional feelings about hoagies. There are not hoagies in Atlanta.

I almost am wondering now if I'm into Italian sandwiches because that's the closest I get in the South to what a hoagie is like in Philly. If you live in Philly and you're listening to this, go have a hoagie today for me, okay, because they're amazing. All right. I can get emotional. Okay.

I went to Fred's Meat & Bread, which is a fantastic sandwich stall in one of Atlanta's food halls. Those of you that may live in major cities around the country know that food halls are becoming really popular in different cities. I know Matt and I have been to a few of them in different places, and so one of ours in Atlanta is Krog Street Market. Krog Street Market, which is a smaller food hall because our larger food hall is Ponce City Market, where there are even more restaurants and dessert, coffee places, et cetera, but Fred's Meat & Bread is at Krog Street Market. Krog Street Market.

Why don't I want to add a R to that, y'all? Is at Krog Street Market. Fred's Meat & Bread, no lie, just has a lot of fantastic sandwiches. Their cheesesteak is fantastic. They have a steak, cheesesteak with mushrooms.

They have sort of your regular kind of beef cheesesteak. They have chicken cheesesteak, they have a Korean beef cheesesteak, they have a double-stack burger, I want to say that's really delicious. I really, for the most part, have not met a sandwich at Fred's Meat & Bread that I didn't like, but the one that really made me fall in love with Fred's Meat & Bread was their Italian Grinder sandwich. Let me tell you something. I have a great appreciation for prosciutto. Prosciutto just, it's one of those things that it's like, "Is it really ever the wrong thing, you know?"

It's like you put it on a salad, it's delicious. You have it in a charcuterie board, it's delicious. You put it on a sandwich, you know what it is? Delicious. The Italian Grinder at Fred's Meat & Bread just has a lot of layers of a lot of different types of those sort of traditional Italian deli meats, the prosciutto, the salami. I mean, all of the things that you would want to have, this sandwich has. Delicious.

My favorite Italian sandwich is really down two stalls away from Fred's Meat & Bread, and they're really very, very close to each other in the running, but I have to say my favorite Italian sandwich is The Goodfella, which is at Varuni Napoli's, and Varuni Napoli is more so to me like more of a pizza place. They actually have two locations, and the Krog Street location is the only location that makes these sandwiches. It is similar to the Italian Grinder, but done differently in Varuni Napoli style. I think what's giving it the edge for me is the bread. The bread is tasting very fresh-baked.

You're getting a little bit of that taste of what you like about a pizza dough or the calzone dough. You're getting a bit of that taste in the sandwich bread, which is wonderful. My only small gripe with Varuni Napoli is that I wish they sold chips, because I told you, I just love the crunch of some chips with a sandwich, but that Goodfella sandwich, yes, favorite Italian sandwich. If you're visiting Atlanta or if you've just moved to Atlanta and you're looking for cool places to go, Krog Street Market is always a win. It's a great place to go by yourself and just hang out, try some things.

It's a wonderful place to go if you have people visiting in town that you want to take them somewhere, but then, everybody can kind of split up and go eat whatever food they like. I mean, there's so many food choices in Krog Street. You have the BeltLine right there, which for us here in Atlanta, the BeltLine is really like a long walking trail that, I think was built on what used to be railroad tracks, but now, there are these certain areas in the city where you can kind of go and walk, and there's restaurants along the BeltLine as well, so Krog Street Market is right by all of that area, so it just gives you a lot of stuff to do. I do recommend that, but if you're going to go in there, I mean, going to get one of these sandwiches is the right thing to do. It's the right thing to do, mm-hmm.

Okay. Favorite bakery in the city is Southern Sweets for me, which is, I want to say maybe in Decatur, or if it's not quite Decatur, it's near a Avondale Estates. Southern Sweets is a fantastic bakery for a lot of birthdays of different members of our family because my husband and I both have quite a bit of family in the Atlanta area. We will go to Southern Sweets and get cake by the slice, so that way, say if it's one person's birthday and that person's cake favorite is this, but then the other three or four people like this other different cake, you can go there and get cake for maybe six or seven bucks a slice. They do also have vegan selections of some of their desserts.

They have cake and pie as well, and cheesecake also, so you have that element of sort of your traditional kind of conventional three-layer cake, as well as having your cheesecakes, your mousse cakes, your key lime pie, and lemon meringue, and as a side note, they also have some pretty solid sandwiches. Like sandwiches are going to keep coming up here. They have some pretty solid sandwiches. Another sandwich that I'm really in love with is I love a good BLT, mmm. Just something about the BLT that's so ...

It's such a simple sandwich. I mean, it's literally slices of bacon, sliced tomato, typically some iceberg lettuce and mayo. That's it, toasted bread, that's all, and it's amazing. Typically, if I'm going to Southern Sweets or if my husband is going to Southern Sweets to pick up something for me, if there's a chance I can get their BLT and a slice of cake, I will do it, but I love their cake, and I love all the varieties of cake that they have, that you can go there and try a bunch of different things and sort of get cake according to your mood, and of course, if you are having a party or maybe you don't have to have a party and you just want a whole cake, they do have that as well, or a whole pie. You can order those in advance, and I think they do wedding cakes, all the things.

Favorite bakery in the Atlanta Metro area for me is Southern Sweets. I do want to give honorable mention regarding cupcakes, because I am also a cupcake connoisseur, and cupcakes in Atlanta, for me, have been a little touch-and-go. We had two larger like national cupcake chains here for a while. I think we still have Georgetown Cupcakes, and then we had Sprinkles Cupcakes, which I think was an original chain that was out of LA. When Sprinkles was here, Sprinkles was my favorite cupcake.

We actually had a Sprinkles ATM at Lenox mall when Sprinkles was here, and then Sprinkles closed, and I was kind of feeling disappointed because sometimes you want to get involved in more of a cupcake scenario than you do a slice of cake, so my favorite cupcake place is Endulge Bakery, which is actually not too far from my neighborhood, and has a little tea place inside of it. I'm not sure that Endulge is welcoming people to be sitting inside, but they also have a drive-thru. Who doesn't love a cupcake drive-thru? I recommend that as a cupcake place. I love their cupcakes.

Their cupcakes are so wonderful, and I love the different combinations of flavors. I'll tell y'all, my absolute favorite cupcake flavor is when the cake itself is chocolate, but the frosting is vanilla. That's a rare combination in most bakeries. Even for slices of cake or a three-layer cake, you would typically not have where the cake itself is like devil's food, and then the icing is vanilla, but that's actually my favorite way to have a cupcake, so big shout to Endulge Cupcake for having a cookies and cream cupcake, which is sort of the closest I can get to what my favorite cupcake flavor is, mm-hmm. Shout out to that.

Also, let me tell y'all a small cupcake story. I remember before my husband and I got married, when I was single and I had my first apartment, sometimes to celebrate myself or sometimes if I just had a bad week, I would go to the grocery store and I would buy the, what looked like the happy birthday cupcakes. You know how they came in a thing of six? I would buy them and just bring them home to my house and enjoy them, and celebrate myself or celebrate that whatever was terrible that had happened was over with, so you treat yourself in whatever ways are good for you, okay, and if that means you need to go up in the grocery store and get you a six-thing of cupcakes ... I was also known for buying a whole pie, eating some of it, freezing it up by the slice so that I might put the slice in the microwave later, and boom, there I am.

If I've got vanilla ice cream, I'm already right there with one of my favorite desserts. Just giving you some hacks in case you need more lower budget items that you can treat yourself to. I'm out here, people. I'm out here giving you the things. Okay. Last favorite thing is wings, and wings are very important in the South.

When we were going through the time where they’re like, "We're having a wing shortage," a lot of gasps out here in Atlanta, a lot of shortage of wings, and then they were trying to sell us that chicken thighs and boneless wings. I don't know. I don't know anything about that, but wings are very important here in Atlanta. In particular, lemon pepper wings are very important here. Just having wing places that have a variety of flavors, very important here. My favorite wing spot, the one that my husband and I go to most often is The Wing Bar.

I think The Wing Bar has at least two locations, and they have so many flavors of wing. Then, depending on your order, you can sometimes get your order split if you wanted like two different flavors. Sometimes I like to have lemon pepper and barbecue, but really, barbecue sauce is really where it's at for me, y'all. When the old lady was on the commercial saying, "I put that shit on everything," for me, that's barbecue sauce for me. I'm going to find a way to put that on my French fries, I want it on my sandwich. I just love barbecue sauce as a condiment, okay?

My favorite flavor of wing is probably barbecue sauce, and I really love the barbecue sauce at The Wing Bar. I love a crinkle fry. They have wonderful crinkle fries. You can get the crinkle fries seasoned, not so ... I think you can get them sauced and seasoned, so you could get the fries with Old Bay seasoning or with more of like a Lawry's seasoning, or with lemon pepper seasoning, or you can get the fries sauced, but you can choose the same sauces that are available for wings, so I love a good seasoning fry.

I just love a good choice there. That's also a meal for me that always feels like a soda is where it's at, and really, it just always feels like a Coke. I try a Sprite, I try a Fanta or a Sunkist or whatever, but the Coke just really, mmm. Sparkling water can get you in there a little bit because you're at least getting the bubbles, but something about Coke. I don't know, y'all.

I don't know. Wings, Coke, fries just always seems like the right thing. This is not one of those wing places where you are getting crudité on the side, so if crudité is a thing you're concerned with, you should cut up your celery and carrots before you do this thing, okay? Mm-hmm. Those are my favorite ATL eats.

I love my city, as many of you know, which is why I have lived here so long and love to call it home, but I love our food scene here. I love how it's always changing and thriving. There's always new stuff to check out, so if you live in Atlanta and you're listening to this episode and you have stuff that you think I should add to this, please DM me on Instagram or Twitter, and let me know, or tweet at me, and let me know. Would love to hear your recommendations, and if you're visiting the city, check out these things and write back to me. Let me know if things were equally delicious to you.

Thanks so much for listening. I'll see y'all next week. HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 88

Amena Owen:

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to the HER Living Room. And let me tell you, we have a guest in the Living Room, but it feels almost weird to call her a guest because she's part of the reason why this Living Room is put together. So I cannot wait to have a conversation with her. Today, we are talking to author of A Storied Life, White Sox fan who loves books and is one of my favorite cussin' friends, Leigh Kramer. Whoa. Leigh had to really watch me do that. You had to watch me do that just now.

Leigh Kramer:

I know this is a whole other side of you. I only get to hear the recorded version.

Amena Owen:

Leigh, first of all, thank you so much for being in the Living Room, as well as helping to put the Living Room together. So I was about to say, I couldn't figure out if I was like, "You all Leigh is our guest in the Living Room. Also, she lives here." Then I was like, "Wait, I guess that would make it sound like we live together," which we could, but we don't.

Leigh Kramer:

I mean, in the metaphorical Her Living Room, I do kind of live there. So I think that's accurate. Yeah.

Amena Owen:

Yeah. It's a home. We're there together. You and I, and Matt.

Leigh Kramer:

I guess you should explain that my official title is administrative and podcast production assistant.

Amena Owen:

Yes, because I was about to say that Leigh is not only my good friend, but we also work together and we work together in general ways that Leigh fixes my work life as my assistant and as the production assistant for this podcast, Leigh. Oh my goodness. Pretty much anything that's organized about this you all is because of Leigh. I just want you all to know that. I just want you to know that's true. So Leigh, I'm really excited for us to be on the podcast because you and I obviously talk through almost every episode. What am I saying? Every episode of this podcast, you and I talk about it, whether it's in the before process or in the after process. And we've been doing quite a few friend episodes in the last year or so, and particularly, the internet friends episodes that we've done the last few months and Leigh and I were laughing because we too started out as internet friends. And I would love to just go into that story a little bit, Leigh, of how you and I met. What is our internet friend story?

Leigh Kramer:

Well, I feel like it's a little nebulous because we were writing for the same website. And so we connected, there was some kind of ... Is it a Facebook group for all of the writers?

Amena Owen:

Yeah. That's right.

Leigh Kramer:

I feel like that's how I first came across you. And then I guess through the group, or maybe just from reading each other's stuff on that site and then maybe following each other on Twitter.

Amena Owen:

Yeah. I think that's it.

Leigh Kramer:

How we started getting to know each other better, but I don't don't remember our first interaction or at what point I was not my fellow writer Amena, but my internet friend Amena, it just, I don't know. Do you have any early memories? It's like, I don't know. Sometimes with the internet friend, it's like, you don't really know at what point you're like, "This person is cool." To like, "Oh, I want to be friends with them." It just kind of evolves that way. It's very magical.

Amena Owen:

Yes. It is magical because I do remember that Facebook group. And I do remember at one point somebody started a social media thread where it was like, "Hey, we should all follow each other." And I do remember following you then, and then being like, boom, okay. And looking at the tweets and somehow, either through conversations in that group or through your Twitter, I knew that you were in Nashville then. And I was coming there quite a bit, but when we met in person at an event, I don't know. It was like when I saw your face and did you DM me? Why did I not go back through our DM history to see if they were still there?

Leigh Kramer:

Well, this was several years ago. So that would be a lot of-

Amena Owen:

It'd a lot of DM.

Leigh Kramer:

As it just to go through. I may. Yeah, I may have DMd to say that I was going to be there. That is something that I would do, if I knew that someone was going to be in town and I felt reasonably friendly enough with them. I would probably say, "We should meet up or let's make sure we say hi, or do you have time to go get coffee or whatever." So that is possible. Yeah.

Amena Owen:

I feel like that might have been, I feel like there was at least a message from you that said, "Hey, I know you're going to be in town. And I live here." I feel like there's at least that. But I feel like I felt so pleasantly surprised when I actually saw you there at the event. I think we actually walked out of the event. It was you and I and another friend. I think we actually walked out of the event with just ... In the hallway, all the giggles and just, oh my gosh. All the conversation. Oh, that was so-

Leigh Kramer:

Yes, because we're real people. We could see how tall each other was or in my case not, but I am short. Amena is tall.

Amena Owen:

Very. That's true. That's true.

Leigh Kramer:

Yeah. So I think it was just fun to actually put a name or an avatar and a face, a real face together. And to see that we are real people and also just enough conversation where you're like, "Yeah, I really do like this person." And they are in real life who they present themselves to be online.

Amena Owen:

Ooh, that's a good point right there, Leigh, that's a good point right there, because I think in making online connections, you sort of get this comfort online around some of the people that you enjoy their tweets, or maybe you talk to them online and stuff and the feeling when you meet them of, "Oh, that same feeling that I have about you online."

Leigh Kramer:

Yes.

Amena Owen:

I also have that feeling when I see you in person. Oh, you articulated that in such a great way because I'm like, that's totally how I felt like, "Oh, yes. Look at you. Yes. Yes." That same feeling. And I think we only had ... It was a very small amount of time because I can't remember if I had to go back on stage to do something. I can't remember that part, but I remember it was a very quick, my phone, your phone. Boo, boo, boo, boo, boop, boop, boop. Kind of.

Leigh Kramer:

Yeah. I feel like we took a selfie and I think you introduced me to your mom and your grandma.

Amena Owen:

Oh, that's right. No, I think my mom and my sister, I think it was my mom.

Leigh Kramer:

And maybe your sister was there. I feel like you had a few people that were with you and then yeah, it must've just been a really quick break in between stuff. And I think we were all like, "Can we just skip the rest of those and just hang out?"

Amena Owen:

Okay. I really wished. Probably if I ... This is the thing about as you get older and more into your, I don't really care what people be thinking phase of your life. Now that we're in our forties, I feel like me and my forties, would've been like, "I'm done here anyways. Do you want to go get something to eat?" I feel like I would've done that now, but then I sort of felt like, "Oh, this session's starting," but now, I would've been like, "Oh, are you hungry? I'm hungry. I'm going to walk back in there and get my bag." And then everyone's going to know that I'm leaving and I don't want to be here for the rest of this.

Leigh Kramer:

I mean, I totally would've left because I had a free ticket. So I mean I was literally only there to see a couple of friends and it was not really my scene.

Amena Owen:

Please, please. And thank you. Okay. Let me ask you about this. And you spoke to this a little bit. I wanted to ask you, what is it you're looking for when you meet an online friend in person? Is it that feeling of comfort? I mean, I feel like if we were talking about a dating situation, you'd say, "You're looking for this chemistry." And maybe it is still chemistry, but just friendship. What is that like for you? What are you looking to see when you meet someone in real life that you know online?

Leigh Kramer:

Yeah. Chemistry is probably still a good way to put it because I mean, I guess when you think of friends, maybe you don't think of chemistry so much, but do you vibe with each other, are you on the same wavelength, and does the conversation flow as easily in person as it does when you're just texting with them? I think with all of my internet friends, whether it's online or in real life, I'm looking for that connection. What are the things that we have in common? Are we learning from each other? Are we laughing? Are we supporting each other? And so when I meet them in real life, I just want to make sure that that ease is still there.

Amena Owen:

I love that word, the ease. We love a friendship with ease. I'm going to tell you-

Leigh Kramer:

And it doesn't always happen. There are a couple of times that I have met someone and the conversation is more stilted and I don't always know why that is. I think in most of those cases, they approached me to hang out instead of the other way around. Not always. That's probably not accurate, but I would say they were people that I wouldn't have necessarily thought to get together with, because there's certainly been internet friends that have asked me to hang out that I would've totally asked them first ...

Amena Owen:

Right. Right.

Leigh Kramer:

... if we had been in the same place. But yeah, I think where I felt less connected to the online friendship than I think it makes sense that I would feel less connected once we met face to face or they just had a different expectation of who I was or wanted because I used to be a social worker. I think sometimes people think that they want some free therapy and I do not offer that. I do not offer those services.

Amena Owen:

No, thank you.

Leigh Kramer:

So that can be a little awkward to redirect that conversation and be like, "I don't know where you thought that I was going to do that for you, but no."

Amena Owen:

Okay. No. No, thank you. No, we don't want to provide those services, especially since it's draining to do when that's happening to you, when someone has that expectation of you in a personal type of setting. No. No, thank you.

Leigh Kramer:

Right. And I mean, I feel like they probably think that we're friends, so I'm just going to share what I've been going through. And I'm like, "Well, we're not really that kind of friend."

Amena Owen:

Okay. Okay.

Leigh Kramer:

If we were real friends. Sure. I totally want to know what someone is going through or what they've been through, but I'm also not going to give them free therapy either. That's very different to support a friend versus looking for that level of expertise.

Amena Owen:

Right.

Leigh Kramer:

If you want that expertise, I don't not licensed for that anymore. You're going to have to do more than pay for my lunch, so.

Amena Owen:

Okay, Okay. Please. I'm going to tell you what I felt solidified for me. Leigh is my friend now. Leigh reached out to me and was like, "Hey, my birthday's coming up. I was thinking about making a trip to Atlanta. Can I stay with you all?" And I think back on this all the time, Leigh, because it was like you were asking me that, there were a few things that made me be like, "Yes," to all of the things that saying in this message. First of all, it was sort of like you caught me in this window of time where I want to say by the time your birthday had come up, I don't think we'd been in our house even a year.

I think you were one of the first house guests that we ever had and we'd never had a guest room either to have house guests. So the thought of being like, "We're in this new home. Sure." And then you said something about, maybe you'll remember this, but there was something you said about why you wanted to get out of Nashville. Or maybe you didn't say why. You wanted to get out of Nashville, you wanted to go someplace else for your birthday. And I think you were turning 35. Am I remembering that right?

Leigh Kramer:

Yes.

Amena Owen:

And I have a lot of strong feelings around what can be monumental birthdays in general. I have strong feelings around people celebrating that. And then I just have strong feelings around birthdays. I just feel like, you, writing and being like, I don't know if you had written and just said, "Shit. It's crazy in Nashville. And I just want a weekend in Atlanta." Would I have been equally, "Yeah, come on. Maybe I would have." But something about you, saying it was your birthday that you wanted to just be in a different environment. All the layers of that had me like, "Yes. Leigh, come to Atlanta. We can think of fun things that you can do because it's your birthday." And so you asked and I just said, "Yeah." And you just came on. Do you remember what was in your mind when you were reaching out to me to ask that?

Leigh Kramer:

No, I mean, not really. I definitely wanted to not be in Nashville for my birthday. I just wanted a change of pace. And I think the year before that birthday had been kind of disappointing. And so I think I just was like, "I've just got to get out of town for this one for 35." And then I was thinking, well, where, what's within driving distance that would be fun? Or who do I know? And then I was kind of like, "Well, I could go back to Atlanta and then maybe I could stay with Amena." I don't know. It is kind of wild when I think back because we'd really just seen each other that brief amount of time at that conference. And so that's a pretty big jump to go to, "Can I stay at your house?" I also think I probably gave you a lot of caveats of being like, "It's okay, if it doesn't work out." Or very low pressure.

Amena Owen:

I think you did too, yeah. I think you did too.

Leigh Kramer:

But I'm also someone that will just kind of be like, "Well, I'm just going to ask and see what they say." I will often go visit an internet friend that I've never spent any time with in person and just kind of be like, "Let's see what happens." Which hasn't burned me yet, so.

Amena Owen:

Okay. I was like, "Sure." And when you came and stayed with us that weekend, first of all, I mean, I have had a lot of joy getting to know you because you are a person that has ... How can I describe it, Leigh? It's like, you have a lot of wonderful layers to you and even all the years I've been friends with you, there is always something that we end up talking about that I'm like, "I didn't know Leigh liked that." Or I'm like, "I didn't know she'd be into that." Or whatever it is, you have these wonderful elements of surprise that I'm like, "Oh." So when you came that weekend and we were like, "What do you like to eat?" We're trying to think of some places we can go together. And what do you like to drink?

Matt was the one because between the three of us, Matt and Leigh handle their alcohol much better than I do. So Matt was like, "What do you like to drink? What about this? What about this?" He was naming different things. And Leigh was like, "It's gin for me." I was just like, "I am here for everything about this. I just would, I mean, I don't know what my mind would've expected you were going to say, Leigh, but there was just something so, I don't know. It felt something so classy, but cussing lady that you were like, "It's gin for me. Who cares about why. No one needs champagne. It's gin for me."

Leigh Kramer:

I feel like this is the best description of myself that I've ever heard.

Amena Owen:

It was so fantastic. I was like, "Oh, yes. It's gin for her. Go on, Leigh. What else?" I mean, we had a lot of fun that weekend. Just thinking of places that we enjoyed. And after you told us some types of food you like or things that you thought you might like to do and getting to go and do those things. And then because we're both introverts, also being like, "Is this a time that you would rather just sit down and not have anything to do?"

Leigh Kramer:

Yeah, I remember it was a quick visit, but it had a really good flow to it and we totally could have torn it up and done a lot more, but that's not what I was looking for. I just wanted to be in a different place. And just to be able to get to know you and Matt. Well, I mean, you better, but Matt at all, I hadn't met him before. And now, here we are. All these years later.

Amena Owen:

Oh my gosh, because I was thinking about the other times that you've come to visit us. And of course, since we've started working together, some of those were like we'd have a little bit of work and then we'd be like, "Okay, we're done with that. Now, a library, a bookstore, a donut." Or whatever it was we could get into. And so I kind of feel like every time you come to visit, it still has a little bit of the rhythm of what our first visit together was. It's definitely like, "What's this food that we trying to eat? Also, what's the time we going to have that, we going to do nothing in case activities have over stimulated me?"

Leigh Kramer:

Yeah. Or just sitting on your couch and talking. It's like, we don't have to go out to have a good time. But yeah, I don't know. Oh, man. Now I'm really sad that we haven't been able to see each other in person.

Amena Owen:

I know, Leigh. I know. Because normally, at least once a year, I think so far. We've almost every year up until the pandemic of course had that time. And so there have been several moments you all, personal moments between Leigh and I and professionally where I've been like, "Leigh," Like a professional thing. We had some winds happen professionally that I wanted to be like, "Oh, we're supposed to be able to eat food together right now. And I hate it that we get." And then sometimes personally, I'd be like, "Oh, I just want to make you collard greens, Leigh, and I don't even know if you eat collard greens, but I want to make them and sit there with you."

Leigh Kramer:

Which will always crack me up. That is your go-to: collard greens.

Amena Owen:

It's my big fix it. It's my, "Well, something's going on. I guess I need to make 10 pans of collard greens." I don't know. that just feels like a thing that I guess, because it's a dish you make that you kind of have to stew and it cooks for a while.

Leigh Kramer:

A lot of love and comfort into it as well.

Amena Owen:

Yeah. I think maybe that's why it's in my mind, but you all will not believe the amount of times. And I'm like, "Leigh, I just wish I could make you some collard greens." And Leigh will be like, "I don't know if that's what I want, but I hear the sentiment behind what you're saying." And I do receive that. Okay. So Leigh, after us being online friends, then we became friends in real life. Then we started working together and this is a thing that we really wanted to center this episode on because I know some of you may also be in situations where you work with friends or I've also had people say, "Oh, my friend and I are thinking about starting this business together, or we are in consideration of working together."

And I have to say, I am so proud of both of us that we have managed to work together as much as we have to work together, especially on the podcast and the different projects we have going that we've worked together and our working relationship is great and our friendship is great and that is not always the case when friends work together. So I wanted also to talk about how we started working together and basically, I was in a crisis and I don't even know if Leigh and I on the friendship end of things had, had a chance to talk about the fact that I was in a crisis. I don't even know if we had a chance to talk about that.

Leigh had sent out a message to a few of us on email, right? And you were like, "Hey, here's a thing I'm doing. Offering administrative assistance. Let me know if you all have any leads for me or if you have any work." And I was immediately like, "Hello, Leigh, hard return, hard return. So excited you sent me this email because a girl is in crisis and need some assistance." So tell me on your side of that story, where were you at that point? And how was that email when you were sending it? You were sending that to a few people who were your friends also, right? So you were opening up the opportunity that you might have work opportunities to come in from friends. And how did you process all of that?

Leigh Kramer:

Yeah. So this was fall of 2017 and 2017 was a very difficult year for me.

Amena Owen:

Same.

Leigh Kramer:

I don't like to think about it very much. That's the level of difficulty that we're talking about. So I was in a state of flux with work and I had been looking for full-time work. It hadn't happened. I was living in the Twin Cities at the time. That move just was not working out on any level. So I had gone back to becoming a virtual assistant and had small clients, maybe five hours a month or whatever here and there. And just trying to cobble things together. Just trying to pay the bills even at a minimum and things just were not coming together and I didn't know what else to do. So I was like, "I guess I'm just going to really lean into the virtual assistant thing and see if I can just build up more clients and make that work."

And so all of my work up to that point had been word of mouth. So I was like, "I'm just going to send out an email to people and let them know that I'm really going to go all in on this and just see what happens." And so I was just kind of going through my contact list and I was like, "Well, I could send it to Amena," but I was kind of like, "I don't know." It was just, I just added you in there. I don't think you were on the initial list of people that I was thinking I was going to send it to, but as I was going through, I was like, "Yeah, just going to slot her in there." And then I feel very quickly, you wrote back.

Amena Owen:

I do. I did.

Leigh Kramer:

And I don't remember if ... I'm sure we had talked on Voxer, but thinking back, I can't remember if I knew what was going on with you at that time.

Amena Owen:

Yeah. I feel like it had been a while since we'd been able to catch up, so. Yeah.

Leigh Kramer:

Which could also just be speaking to my mental health at the time. I mean, you all, I was in a very dark place that year. So I think we found each other at a time work-wise when we needed each other, but also just to be able to connect on that personal level again too. And I think it took our friendship even deeper. I mean, in fact I know that was part of it, that we were just going through hard times and we were able to support each other, even though we were both going through hard times.

Amena Owen:

Yeah. Yeah. Oh my goodness. Yes. When you said that, I was like, "Damn, 2017 was a rough year for me too. What was it about that year that just ... Yikes."

Leigh Kramer:

I know.

Amena Owen:

I just remember emailing you back and being, I was in such a crisis that I was like, "Leigh, even if you can't keep me as a long term client, just for two weeks, can you check my email? Can you just make sure there's nothing in here?" I was in that much of a crisis. Oh my gosh. To think back on that. But like you said, let us not marinate too hard on that because eek, eek, please. But it was the perfect, it was unfortunate circumstances that had led us both to now, this moment of working together. But then that was very fortunate that we were able to connect at that moment because, you all, when I tell you all, Leigh came in there and just even knowing someone was checking my inbox so I could just take a break was amazing.

And then I think 2018 came in and I was like, "Okay, things have been in shambles. Now, I need to feel, like figure out what is rebuilding going to look like?" And then I was able to come back to you and go, "Okay, here's what I think things are going to be, is this the thing we can do?" And I'm going to tell you all something that I love about Leigh Kramer. I love this about Leigh Kramer until the cows come home. You know what I'm saying? And I really have never been in any situation where I understand what it means when the cows come home. But I assume by Southern context, that's forever. So anyways, so the end of time, is when the cows come home, when I tell you all Leigh Kramer be having a boundary girl. And when I tell you that Leigh Kramer be communicating the boundaries to you, honey.

So even when we first started working together, Leigh, let me know. These are the days and hours I'll be available. This is how my invoicing process is going to work during the days and hours that I have told you, I'm not available. I'm not available. So you will need to be waiting until the next day that I tell you that I'm available. She really set that up. And I think I'm really thankful for that because to me, I feel like that is a big part of why we are able to maintain a personal relationship and work well together professionally, because you walked in with, "This is what we're doing. That means even if you're thinking about a work thing on Saturday, don't text me about it. And even if you text me about it, you won't get a response, because I told you, those days belong to me." It was like, I walked in sort of understanding your expectations. Do you feel like in times when you're working with friends that having those conversations upfront is really helpful?

Leigh Kramer:

Oh, absolutely. So part of it is that is the conversation that I have with clients regardless of how they came to me of just being very upfront of these are my work hours. You can message me outside of that, but I will not respond to that. I will not look at it. I don't keep any work email on my phone. I'm very regimented about that. And part of that is because a lot of people in the freelance space don't keep regular hours, but it's very important for me personally, in order to be able to do the work that I do to have set hours and a set availability so that it doesn't bleed into every other area. And because I think that most of the time, a lot of what I'm doing, isn't urgent. So it can wait until the next business day.

So it's my own personal boundaries, but I also think, or at least I hope that some of those personal boundaries can also help my clients set better boundaries around that work life balance, which can seem a little mythical, but I don't think that it has to be mythical. And then I think with the friend side of it is I want to be very clear that we are friends and we are working together and here's how we can best communicate about the work side of things. And here's how we can make sure that we keep the friends side of things going. So it doesn't become lopsided. And just to make sure that we are communicating well across the board because I don't want working together to sour the friendship or vice versa. So I would rather just address it straight up and then you can kind of fine tune as things go. But I think it's just name the elephant in the room, here's what we're working with. And here's what I think would be best.

Amena Owen:

I love to see it Leigh, because I do feel like sometimes you have conversations with people and they'll say, "If I have a problem with that, I'll let you know." I'm going to tell you all something, Leigh is really going to let you know, some people say they have a problem, they'll let you know. But really when they have a problem, they're going to be sort of internally, "I have a problem." No. If Leigh is like, "No, that's not going to work for me." Leigh's actually going to come back and tell you, "That's actually not going to work for me." That's really helpful. That's really, really helpful. And of course, as your friend, as your friend and in working with you, it's like as your friend, I want you to have your time. I want all of what those boundaries are going to do for you in how that impacts your life in a healthy way.

It's like, I want that. So I don't want to be the client or the friend who is overstepping that. I don't want to do that part. I was going to ask you, what tips would you have for people who are considering being in a work situation or work relationship with a friend? Because I think sometimes we assume, "Oh, it's my friend. We don't really maybe have to have those conversations with each other. We've known each other, blah, blah, blah amount of years. We've experienced blah, blah, blah, seasons of life together. So we'll just work together and it'll be like, we're just catching up. And then a few work things in between." And then things get really a mess because we didn't have those conversations, so.

Leigh Kramer:

I think that's when things go sideways is if you assume that it'll all be smooth sailing because even in the closest friendship work changes things,. It can be great, but you have to go in with your eyes wide open. I would say the first thing to consider is your personality types. And to really think about the ways that your personality types get along and then the points of conflict. And especially if you've been friends for a while, there probably has been some kind of conflict or some area where you don't see eye to eye. And so to think about how will you navigate that conflict and what is your own conflict style? What is theirs and what can you both do to make sure that doesn't impede the work that you're going to do together?

Because yeah, I mean, I wouldn't say that I'm always the first person to handle conflict head on. I mean, definitely have my boundaries. And I learned to be very upfront about that, but sometimes in a friendship, I might be more prone to let things go, but you can't do that when you're working together because that's how the resentments start to pile up and then little things can become huge issues and you just don't want to ruin a friendship over a work conflict that really isn't that big of a deal at the end of the day, even though it feels like the largest mountain in the world.

Amena Owen:

Right. Right. Oh, I think those are such good tips, Leigh, because I feel like I've had a few instances where I was working with a friend and it just got to that point where it was like, we're about to choose this work over this friendship. And at the end of the day, I'm going to choose the friendship. The work can be figured out a different way. I would rather walk out of not working together and still have our friendship than lose our friendship to working together. But in a lot of those cases, I mean, of course sometimes it just doesn't work well because of maybe the season of life for you and your friend.

And maybe you started out and things seemed like they were going to be this certain way. And life comes at you in this different way, you have some different things happen to you that sort of change those dynamics. But I think outside of that, a lot of it is sometimes two friends that shouldn't be working together is working together and then seemed like a good idea, but we didn't really think through the details. And it's like, "Maybe you should just be that person's friend. Maybe you all not supposed to be."

Leigh Kramer:

Yeah. Well, and I think it also depends on what are the roles that people are going to play. Is one person the boss and the other person is freelance employee? Are you co-owners? Who's going to be the decision maker? Are you both ideas people, in which case, how is the actual work going to be implemented? So there's a lot of considerations. And just because you get along when you're hanging out, doesn't mean that you're going to be able to work together well. So I feel like there's a lot to consider, but the fact that you really like someone and know them well, or at least reasonably well can also be a really great way to start the business relationship, so. I don't know. It's worked out for me.

Amena Owen:

And me. I mean, I have enjoyed this so far. I do feel like the first, probably two or three years that you and I worked together, which I am a proponent of the check-in, I'm sure that I gave Leigh a much longer preamble at the check-in than she asked me to give her. But I am a proponent of if you're working with people in general, but especially if you have personal relationship to them of just having a certain time of the year that you just have that check in, is this working for you? Is it working for me kind of thing? And you and I, we do that every year. I'm giving less of a preamble than I did those first couple of years because the first couple of years, you all, we would get to that. It was either end of year meeting or sort of top of the new year meeting.

And I'd be like, "Well, Leigh, here we are. And I know that you may not want to be here working with me like this always, you may decide one day it's Scotland for you. And I can see that as a beautiful life for you. And I want you to know at such time." And Leigh would listen to me, go through the whole thing. I mean, this was taking a while, you all, I'm like, "At such time that you may decide, you may not even want to do this anymore. No, I always really." I was really going in for it and Leigh would listen and she'd be like, "Amena, nothing has changed regarding our work relationship. Also, as I have stated to you previously, should that come up, you would know that long before this meeting."

Leigh Kramer:

Right. But I do. It's really helpful to have a big picture meeting like that where we can just talk about what's worked well over the past year, where do we need to improve some systems for next year? Or what are the goals for the next year and what do we need to put in place? So it's not even just, how is our interpersonal working relationship going, but what are we going to put our mind to next?

Amena Owen:

Yeah. Which helps us fix some of the stuff that can make the relationship staticky or things that Leigh and I all the time are trying to refine processes, how we work together of what we're doing. And Leigh and I working together. It's not like what I do for a living is cookie cutter. So there'll be a lot of moments that Leigh is like, "Oh, didn't know we'd be working on something like that. And here we are doing that." So that can be kind of fun, but also new things to learn all the time of different processes that would be needed for different projects that come across the table. So I do feel like the communication is a huge plus for us. And I agree with you. I think if you are going to work with a friend, you have to really ... I think to me, working with a friend is the same as living with one. And I have a lot of friends that I love and some of them you're just like, "We love each other and we could just never live together." It would just-

Leigh Kramer:

Won't love each other more, if we don't do this.

Amena Owen:

Right. And I feel like you should have those friend considerations.

Leigh Kramer:

Yes.

Amena Owen:

You have some people you love that you're like, "We can't live together. We going to get each other's nerves and ruin our friendship. We can't work together." And then you have some friends that you're like, "Let's have a talk. Let's talk about what that would look like. More conversation, more communication is the best." I think that's right.

Leigh Kramer:

Yes. Yeah.

Amena Owen:

Leigh. Oh my gosh. I could just talk to you forever. I have enjoyed this so much, you all, I hope that Leigh and I have given you some things to think about, consider if you are thinking about working with a friend and also, I just want to return to the top of the episode that sometimes it's good to just take a little step out there. Take a little step out there with a DM. If you have a chance to meet an online friend in person, you can take a little step out there and check the vibes. And if the vibes are good, you could totally come out of that with a wonderful friend, because I know I did. Now, Leigh can't get rid of me. So this is it.

Leigh Kramer:

I always say that you can't get rid of me. I conned you to be my friend.

Amena Owen:

We love to see it. Leigh, thanks for not only being here in the Living Room, but I do just want to give you these flowers because Leigh and I have been working together. Some of you are just now listening to this podcast after this podcast was sort of rebranded into a weekly, you're hearing this now more of you because of Seneca Women and iHeart, but Leigh and I have been working together since the 1.0 of this podcast when we were just building the scaffolding for what this is now. So I just wanted to say in our Living Room while the listeners are here, Leigh, just thank you so much that I appreciate you. This podcast, you all, I'm not even lying to you all, it wouldn't be HER with Amena Brown if Leigh and I had not been working together at that time, Leigh really helped put together all the infrastructure that you see here.

So I thank you for that, Leigh, and also, Leigh, if we can close with one of the affirmations that you have given to me many times as a friend, you all, I go to Leigh and I tell Leigh some wild things that have gone on. I tell her how this person, that person crossed this boundary after I put the boundary up? I'd tell her the wild things. You all wouldn't Even know the wild things people say to me, professionally and personally, and Leigh always has a two word affirmation for me. And I would love, Leigh, if you can just share this affirmation with the people so that if they too, need to remember these two words, they can hear them from you. What's the affirmation you normally tell me?

Leigh Kramer:

Do you really want me to say this?

Amena Owen:

Do you want? Well.

Leigh Kramer:

Make sure your children aren't listening.

Amena Owen:

Yeah. These are adult words. So if there are children in the room, get them out of here. But if you listen to this podcast, hopefully, you won't listen to it with your children, plus. Yes, Leigh.

Leigh Kramer:

Okay. I always say, "Fuck them."

Amena Owen:

You all, if I could do embroidery, that's what I would do. I would just have a very beautiful embroidery of fuck them dash dash Leigh Kramer. That's what we need. It's a wonderful affirmation, Leigh. I love to see it.

Leigh Kramer:

You remember you told me, I don't know, a couple years ago that if I ever started in a nonprofit, it should be called, fuckthem.org.

Amena Owen:

Because this would be a very valuable nonprofit, Leigh, because people, I feel like as a friend, one of the things that I just value so much about you is that you are always about reminding the people in your life that you love, reminding them like, "Hey, you're worth more than those people treating you like that. And you don't have to accept that treatment from them. You don't have to accept it." So that's really inherent in this new nonprofit that Leigh is going to launch. We'll let you know when the links are available, that you might be able to. Wouldn't you all have so much joy donating to a nonprofit that was fuckthem.org? Wow. Wow. I think there could be a lot of joy in that, Leigh, we'll discuss. We'll discuss.

Leigh Kramer:

Yeah.

Amena Owen:

Thank you so much. Talk to you all next week.

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening. And don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 87

Amena Brown:

Hey, y'all. Welcome back to this week's episode of HER With Amena Brown. And last week we were talking about music. We were talking about Janet Jackson, whom I love very much. I hope that you were inspired to go back and listen to some of her music. If you ever had a workday that you were struggling to get through some, or you had a monotonous task that you're cleaning up, or you're working with an Excel sheet and you just need some motivation. You could turn on Janet's music. Or if you just need a little dance party for yourself, you need to get that danced out moment that Shonda Rhimes loves to give us. You know what I'm saying? You can do that with Janet's music. So I hope you did that. And that reminded me as I was trying to think about, why were there certain eras of time that I remember listening to Janet's music and other eras I didn't?

Amena Brown:

And then I remember, that's because I went through some seasons where I threw my music away and I wanted to dedicate an episode to this. I want to especially dedicate this episode to people who grew up in a very particular Christian environment. I want to dedicate this to you for those of you that are listening and are like, "What are you talking about? Why would you ever throw your music away?" I'm going to bring you a little bit into some conservative Christian culture, some evangelical Christian culture that maybe you didn't want to know about, but I'm just going to take you in there so you know how some things went. So I'm even going to go back beyond my own history, because my family on both sides, my mom's side and my dad's side, both have roots in the Pentecostal Holiness Church. And one of the tenets of, I guess I should say, it's almost not a tenet of the faith, but it's a tenet of what was supposed to be your social behavior.

Amena Brown:

If you are a person who consider yourself to be a Christian and you also attended a Pentecostal Holiness Church, because my mom also shared this with me, that this was true for her generation as well. That your social behavior was supposed to be as non-secular as possible, and secular in these environments meant the world, right? Because one of the tenets of the faith, if you were in more of a Pentecostal Holiness, Christian environment, is that people who were Christians were supposed to be separated from "the world," right? That the world was the den of sin. Okay? This is why even when we think about early blues music and different juke joint scenes that you may have seen in the movies, right? That there were always people who were supposed to be very church going folks. And they would not either want to be in this juke joint setting, where there was going to be music about love, romance, sex, about things that weren't considered to be godly, right? Or some of them did want to go, they just didn't want to be caught or seen there by other church people, right?

Amena Brown:

So this narrative has been going on for a very long time in different cultures, but in very specific ways went on in a lot of Black church culture in America, right? And went on in many other Christian cultures as well, because I have white friends who also say they have these experiences growing up too. So by the time I'm growing up, my mom is back in church. The church that I grew up in, I have to say, I give kudos to the church I grew up in because we were allowed as teenagers to explore the arts. So this is a time when we were wanting to do rap and hip hop dance, and all sorts of things that were popular in mainstream culture. We wanted to do that in church, and I have to give kudos to our church they allowed us to do that. That they weren't like, "Oh no, we don't want to hear that rap in this church." That they would allow us to do it as long as we agree that those raps or those dances would be about God, right? Okay.

Amena Brown:

So I became a Christian when I was 12 years old, and I don't remember anyone telling me to do this. But I just remember having this, and maybe someone did, and I just can't remember it. But I just remember having this instinct to throw my music away, and I've always been a person that loved music. I have musicians on both sides of my family, my dad, himself as a musician. So I've just always loved music. Any of you that have been reading my work, my books for a while, or have been to my shows, or been exposed to my art, know that music is a big part of that for me, music is very foundational for me. My dad was a big Earth, Wind & Fire fan. Any of you that listened to my Behind the Poetry episode on the poem Key of G. You'll hear me talking about there a lot of the early music that was really foundational for me.

Amena Brown:

So my initial growing up was not a growing up where "secular" and "sacred music" were separated. My initial upbringing until I was 12 years old, everything was meshed together. I would hear Earth, Wind & Fire when I was with my dad. I might hear Tramaine Hawkins with my mom. I might hear a James Cleveland song or an Andrae Crouch song at my grandmother's church. There were all sorts of places where that music was coming to me as a kid. And then, when I turned 12, we'd moved to Texas by this time to San Antonio. My mom had a period of time where she wasn't going to church, and then she started going back to church. And I decided, "Okay. I think I want to become a Christian. Seems all right from what I'm learning in church." And I just had this instinct to start getting rid of my music. And at that time, this is '92, '93.

Amena Brown:

So I was listening to, I had bought my first CDs. My first two CDs were TLC's Ooooooohhh... On the TLC Tip, and SWV's debut album. Those were both my first CDs that I ever bought and played in my little boombox in my room. And this was in the era of the magazines, right? So I remember Right On magazine. I'm sure there are a bunch of magazines I'm forgetting, but if you were a person who loved hip hop at this time, and loved Black music, loved R&B. There were magazines where you'd look through them and they'd interview your artists, and have these posters and stuff that you could take out. So my wall was all posters of artists I loved, and little cutouts from the magazine. And I just threw everything away in my attempt to do what I felt I needed to do to be devoted to this faith that I had just discovered or rediscovered, because I grew up around church going folks. But I had never really made that decision for myself, right?

Amena Brown:

So from 1992 to 1996, don't ask me a lot about the music that was on the radio, because I don't know. Now, like what I was saying in last week's episode, I was still watching music videos sometimes, because at this time of my upbringing. There were shows that came on around that time that we were just getting home from school. So we would rush home to try to watch TRL or catch 106 & Park. We would want to watch these TV shows, and we would call our friends and stuff. So I remember still watching music videos sometimes, but I wasn't really listening to the radio. And I wasn't really listening to the artist enough '92 to '96 to buy their music and listen to it. Okay? This is when I entered my era of listening to gospel music. And of course, like I told you all, I grew up in a very church going family.

Amena Brown:

So my grandmother and my dad both played piano for choirs as I was growing up. So I knew a lot of choir music that way, but I never really listened to it on my own until my mom started going to the church that we went to while I was growing up, and I started singing in the choir. And so I just got all swallowed up in trying to listen to as much gospel as I could. So I was listening to John P. Kee and Hezekiah Walker. This was the era where Kirk Franklin originally debuted. I think the '92 to '96 was really when Fred Hammond was still a part of the group Commissioned. So I wasn't listening to Commissioned then, for those of you who are gospel music heads. I didn't actually get into Fred Hammond until later in the '90, which we'll talk about.

Amena Brown:

But all of that, early to mid '90s, that Donald Lawrence, any of the choirs, I listen to a lot of gospel choir music. I listened to Yolanda Adams. I think maybe Mary Mary was starting to come around when we were getting into the late '90s. But I really just fell in love with choir music. And one of the things that I really loved about it, obviously it was music that just had a message I believed in, but I also loved the baselines, and I loved the organ and the drum patterns, and I loved the harmonies. And I loved the parts and gospel music where the music would cut out. So it was cool because even though I wasn't listening to a lot of what would've been mainstream music, or pop music, or hip hop music of the time, I was still listening to Black music.

Amena Brown:

So it still had these bluesy R&B rootedness. And I think gospel's just a fascinating genre of music to me, because there are ways that the mainstream music of the day informs gospel. And there were eras of time where it was gospel that was informing how the singers and musicians and artists were performing even when they weren't performing in church settings, right? So I loved this for me, even though I discovered later as I got older and had more friends talking about what they were doing in '94 and '95. I missed out on a lot of that. I'll tell you all a fun fact. I knew some of the instrumentals to Biggie's music, better than I knew Biggie's raps. Because my friends that I rapped with in church, they would take Biggie's instrumentals and we would rap to Biggie's instrumentals at church. So we will wrap all our little Jesus raps to Biggie's instrumentals, and the rest of our youth group would be singing some other music to it, and I had no idea what they were singing.

Amena Brown:

I'm pretty sure we did a Jesus rap to Total's Can't You See, to the instrumental. I'm pretty sure we did that. And I was like, "Why are they singing along? What are their mouths moving to?" I didn't know anything about that song. That's how sheltered away from that I was. So at some point in '96, I get really interested in rap music because this is when the cipher was really popular. And I would see kids at school. Well, I'll have to think about this you all. Was I seeing kids at school? I think I saw it at church first, because I was in private school for ninth and 10th grade, and my private school was predominantly white. So nobody was really knocking beats on the table and stuff like that, that really was not happening at my private, predominantly white Christian school that I went to ninth and 10th grade.

Amena Brown:

But for 11th and 12th grade, I went to a public school in San Antonio, one of the largest public schools in the city. And so that changed everything for me culturally and in a lot of ways. So at church though was the first time that after the service, a lot of the guys that were in our youth group would pull together this cipher and I would step into the circle and listen to them rap. And I just found it so fascinating, because I had been writing poetry since I was 12. So I could hear that what they were saying in the cipher sounded like poems, and I had memorized other people's poems. And so I stepped into the cipher and tried to do a part of Maya Angelou's Phenomenal Woman to the beat box. And one of my friend, shout out to Aran Lee, I don't know if Aran listens to this podcast.

Amena Brown:

But shout out to him because after the cipher, he was like, "Yo, why don't you rap? You were able to do that with Maya Angelou's poem. Why don't you try writing a rap?" They'll say, "What's the story you could tell about yourself that would be really on brand." This story I'm about to tell you all is very on brand for me, because as soon as he said that to me, I immediately went to researching. This is very on brand for Amena, okay? I immediately went to researching and I just found or bought, I don't know how I did this in my mother's house. I'm trying to think about this. Although, I will say from my mom though, my mom, I think if I had tried to buy a Bone Thugs-N-Harmony album at the time. My mom wouldn't have let that fly, because she would've looked at that and been like, "I'm not going to have the devil in my house."

Amena Brown:

And those of you who know, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony know exactly what I'm talking about. But if you don't know and you Google it, you will look and see what I'm talking about. My mom wouldn't have been for that, but my mom was more open minded about that than some other people's parents. My mom did want me to listen to good music. So she let me listen to rest of development. If she listened to it and it didn't sound it was somebody talking real crazy. And she felt she could at least attest that they were not saying terrible things that I need to be listening to. She would be with it. So I don't know how I came across these things. No, I do know how. Some of these things that I didn't have at home, some of my friends did. So they would make cassette tapes from the CDs that their parents let them buy, if we weren't sure that my mom would let me listen to it.

Amena Brown:

So this is how I got a cassette of some of the songs off of the Fugees' The Score. My friend Trey had a cassette of The Roots album Do You Want More? Because I think that's the album that has Silent Treatment on it, and he handed me that. My little high school boyfriend, he gave me a cassette tape of The Boss. No, it wasn't The Boss. It was Boss, but her single was called Deeper and Deeper. It was a cassette that had Boss's, The Boss's Bruce Springsteen, just to be clear. So Boss, it was a cassette that had Deeper and Deeper, the radio version on one side, and then on the other side it had different remixes and other songs that we didn't know of Boss's yet, right?

Amena Brown:

So I just went and studied as many woman MCs as I could. I listened to as much Lauryn Hill as I could. I would fast forward to get to her verses on that little cassette tape, and listen to her and rewind it, and listen to her and rewind it. Missy Elliot had also come out around this time. So I was listening to her a lot. I listened to Boss, I listen to Rage. I would fast forward through TLC songs to listen to Left Eye. So just getting a chance to hear the sounds of their voices, and what they were talking about. That sent me back into an era where I basically started listening again to all the music I threw away. So I did that through the late '90s. I graduated from high school in '98 and came to Atlanta to go to college.

Amena Brown:

It was an interesting era for me to return to listening to music that wasn't gospel, because it was almost a perfect era for hip hop and what was going to become the new soul music of the time. So by the time I'm going to college, Lauryn Hill has released The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, Outkast has released Aquemini, and I'm in Texas, right? So it's interesting to think, I feel like a historian talking to you all now. But I like to say these things because things are different than they were then. And one of the things that I really appreciate now about my time of growing up is how regional music was then. So in some ways I appreciate, in other ways it made things hard, right? So for those of us who are hip hop fans, it was because hip hop was born in New York, it took a long time for hip hop from the South, or hip hop from the Midwest, or hip hop from the West to get that same respect, right?

Amena Brown:

So those parts of it being regional were not so great. But there were great things about some things being regional, and that me living in Texas, we were hearing more Master P, No Limit. We were hearing more Slim Thug. We were hearing more of our regional music than we were New York music at the time. And the music that really infiltrated in Texas, at least the part where I was in San Antonio that infiltrated us sooner than a lot of New York music, was music from the South. I remember when Outkast, it was right at that '97 going into '98 that I was hearing people at the lunch table being like, "Who is this? Come listen to this." He said, "Am I crooked letter?" Like everything, okay? So I just remember feeling that cultural wave coming. It's really interesting to think about that, and that wave was happening at the time that I was graduating high school going into college. So of course, coming from Texas and then moving to Atlanta for college, then it was like, I was getting exposed to this whole other new music.

Amena Brown:

I mean, Outkast was obviously a huge deal here in Atlanta, and UGK. It was almost being in Atlanta, ironically, I was getting exposed to even more Texas music, and then other Southern music because all of that was really popular in Atlanta period, right? So it's just a fascinating thing to think about that era of time moving here. Okay. So then, I get to college, you all are going to laugh. I get to college in '98. I am coming from this very sheltered church girl background. And I was basically given my marching orders by my family, and all of the people that were in my church community that really just were behind me and supporting me and wanting me to succeed. And the marching orders were, "All right, you need to get to Atlanta. You need to find a church to join and go to, and just bury yourself in that so Atlanta doesn't turn you out."

Amena Brown:

It was pretty much what they were saying without saying it quite that way. So I basically, even though I'm a Janet Jackson fan and she was like, "When I was 17, I did what people told me." I'm pretty sure I did that long past being 17 years old, because I was like, "Well, that's what they said so that's what I'm going to do." I came to Atlanta, found a little church to join, got to be a part of this campus ministry. So I was doing that, and then I went through another period of what throwing my music away. And this time I'm pretty sure I remember some people telling us that we were getting that message, you are what you listen to, and some of why you're struggling with this or that is because you don't listen to enough music that's about God. So child, I threw away my music again, you all. I'm talking about, got to college and threw my music away again.

Amena Brown:

And I know I'm not alone in this, if you're listening and you also threw your music away at various times because of your church upbringing, please DM me so I know I'm not by myself. If you give me permission, I will totally share your stories in my Instagram Stories. Because I know that I have other friends who also are like, "Yeah, I know. I don't know the music during that time period, because I threw all my CDs away." So I threw my CDs away, blessed my heart, I threw away The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. And during this era was when Fred Hammond's Pages Of Life double album had just come out. And so that piece of gospel music is still just a very important piece of music for me, and really carried me through a lot of those early years of college.

Amena Brown:

Fred Hammond put out quite a few albums after that, and I would buy his albums. And it was during this time, during my college time that I was more exposed to white church and white church music, what we would consider to be your CCM or a lot of what worship music sounds like, right? It's very different from the gospel worship music that I grew up with growing up. So as I got exposed to that CCM music between college and my early 20's after graduating, I was listening to more of that. So there's an era between '99 and 2005. Don't ask me much of anything about what was on the radio during that time, because I just don't know. I was in my friend's cars, they were listening to different CCM artists of that time. We were listening to Jars of Clay and we were listening to Watermark at that time. You were really old school CCM listener if you know who I'm talking about when I said that.

Amena Brown:

We were listening to wow, '98, '99, 2000, 2001, we were just listening to those CDs. So we weren't listening to the radio, and by then it depended on where I was living if I had a TV. So I also wasn't watching music videos. So there's a whole era of time right there that I was just listening to worship music. And those of you that have been listening to the podcast know that right out of college was really when my poetry career "started." And that started in a lot of white church environments. So I also got exposed to a lot of those CCM artists from that day and started listening to them. Initially, I think it was cool to me at that time to hear this music that to me sounded like this love letter to God. That seems very intriguing to me at the time. So I got really involved in that.

Amena Brown:

Okay. Then, somewhere around 2005, some things started to go awry at the church I was going to. So I think the other thing that happened between '99 and '05 is that I was back in a church bubble too. I was working in church when I graduated, as far as traveling with Christian organizations, going to different church environments. I was very heavily involved in my local church with the college ministry there. So outside of church activities, I really didn't have a life. I wasn't going on dates. I wasn't going to concerts. I wasn't going to comedy shows or art galleries. It was church stuff. People's houses that I went to church with. If I went to the movies, I was going there with people I went to church with. And then it was all of a sudden, it got to be 2005, and things at the church were getting wildly unhealthy.

Amena Brown:

And people were leaving the church and we were all left to decide, were we going to stay? What did we think of the people who leave the church? It was all this turmoil. And it was then that I think I was really having more of a creative crisis where I was, and I think I've shared this story on the podcast before. But I'll say it here in brief again, for those of you that may just be getting to this episode and you're like, "I just got here. So I'm going to tell you this story." But I think it was also around this time that I had been performing poetry, but I wanted to have time to go back out to the open mic, because the open mic was not necessarily where my career started in the sense of where I started to get paid. But the open mic was where I started to learn how to write well and how to find my voice, how to perform well.

Amena Brown:

So anything I took into these career and professional settings that were paying me, I learned that from the roots of these environments that I had been in and they were truthfully, most of them, very specifically Black poetry environments, right? And so I think I started to feel untethered from that, and I returned back to the open mic setting and I had this poet, shout out to Megan Volpert who said to me, "Hey, I really like your work, but I just feel like I never get to know you. I never see you in your work." And it was really odd to me to hear her say that, because it shook me a little bit and she moved on, we talked about something else. But I remember driving home after she said that, and just really thinking about what is it about my work that she can't see me.

Amena Brown:

And the truth is the idea in a lot of CCM and worship music is this idea that we are not supposed to be seen as humans. The idea is that God is supposed to shine. So God is all of the something and as humans that we are nothing. That's a lot of the basics of a lot of worship music then, and a lot of worship music that's out now. So as a poet that was doing poetry in these environments, I had started to take on that type of writing and that type of mentality in my poetry. And when she said that to me, it really shook me because I did think about the roots I was coming from. And even in a lot of gospel music, especially the gospel music I grew up on, I don't listen to current gospel music.

Amena Brown:

So I cannot speak to that unfortunately, but the gospel music that was formative to me, it had this way of acknowledging you as a human, acknowledging that you are a person who struggles, acknowledging sometimes that you are a person who is oppressed, who is dealing with things and systems beyond your own control, and that there is a God who liberates, right? And so I think I started to think about that. I started to question like, "Why am I feeling like I need to disappear from my work and what God would actually want that of me in general, but also want that of me as a Black woman? Why would God want me to disappear? Why does God need me to disappear for God to shine? God's going to shine anyway. And isn't God shining through all of this creation? If we believe that God is the one making all of us, isn't God shining through each of our skin tones and hair textures and all the things?"

Amena Brown:

So I was contemplating a lot during this time. And so I ended up returning not only to some of the music I threw away, but in a way returning to some of the roots of music that I loved. So I remember I went back and started listening to these Jackson 5 records. I would get a lot of my music from Walmart because there was some music that I wanted to listen to that was mainstream music, but I didn't want to listen to all the cursing and everything. Sometimes I still don't, you all, to be honest, sometimes I do though, and I'm not going to lie about that. But back then, really. So I was buying a lot of music from Walmart, and so I'd go into Walmart to get whatever rapper was out. I want to get their music so I could listen to it, but I don't want to hear the cuss words, right?

Amena Brown:

And then, Walmart would sometimes have on sale these compilation CDs and stuff. And so that's really how I went back to listen to a lot of older music, even music that was popular before I was born. So that was how I started digging back into these old Jackson 5 records. And I remember I was just listening, I don't remember what record it was, but I was listening to this Jackson 5 CD. And before I realized it, I had just been listening to that three weeks straight, just over and over and over. Just the rhythms, the background vocals, and the ad libs. Oh man. The way they were produced just fascinated, and then I would just go down a rabbit hole. I went through the Jackson 5 for a while, and then after I got through all their records, went back through Michael Jackson's early records.

Amena Brown:

Some of these songs I knew, I knew Thriller, and I knew Workin' Day and Night, I knew some of the hits, but I had never actually listened to the albums through and through. So I went back and listened to those early like Off the Wall, and all of Thriller the album. And then, that sent me to wanting to listen to Bill Withers once I started looking more into some Motown things. And then, I got down a Chaka Khan rabbit hole, and then wanted to go back through Stevie Wonder's albums. And so I think in a certain way that returned to me this rootedness in Black music, number one. But I think number two, it also returned to me this idea that music is not sacred or secular. It was around this time of my life that I decided, I don't want to categorize music like that anymore. And that there are songs that other people would deem to be secular that are very sacred to me.

Amena Brown:

And truthfully, I would say this is true of me today. There are many songs that people today would call sacred, especially people who are in the environments I used to be in that are still in very evangelical environments or very wide evangelical spaces. There are songs that they would consider to be very, very sacred that are secular to me. So for me, I feel like what I discovered there in that early, not even early 20s, probably mid 20s into my early 30s. What I discovered about music that's so powerful is that I think music really exists to help us express all of life, to help us express our humanity and the holy moments as well, and that our humanity will experience holy moments.

Amena Brown:

That music is there to talk about leaves on the trees. It's there to talk about how much your heart is breaking when you have a breakup. It's there to talk about what it feels like to fall in love, what it feels like to have good sex. Music is there for all of these things. Music is also there to sing about your thoughts and feelings or prayers to God, music is there for all of that. And I found that to be something so powerful. I actually was on a tour once and Matt and I, when I say Matt, I'm talking about my husband and also the producer of this podcast. And we have been talking about for a while, just as a podcast team, Matt, Leigh and I, Leigh who's my podcast production assistant, and assistant, and friend, just everything.

Amena Brown:

Anyways, we've been talking about me doing some episodes here where we tell some road stories, and I am going to do that. So I'll come back and share some of those with you. But I thought about one in particular as it relates to this episode. And Matt and I were on a tour, I'm ciphering through the details of the tour so that I cannot tell you enough details that you would know who I'm talking about. But anyways, we were on a tour and there were multiple acts, multiple bands, and such and us. And we had this, which happens when you're on tour, you have these periods of time during the day because all the shows are at night where you end up hanging out whether you wanted to or not, because you're all on a bus. You end up hanging out with the production crew, the lighting folks, or the other bands you may be on tour with.

Amena Brown:

And we run on tour with, at that time, it was a really well known Christian band. And we were talking about music and really talking about the state of what was considered to be Christian music at that time, and how a lot of people loved the message in that music. But musically, a lot of that music was very uninteresting. It didn't jam, it didn't have good bass lines. It didn't have musicality to it that you also felt like, "Wow," impressed by or that you felt impacted by even. And so we were talking about that with this very, very well known Christian band that I won't say the name of. And although, even if I said the name, some of you that are listening, "I don't know those people."

Amena Brown:

But anyways, and the leader of this very well known Christian band, he said, "You know what, my wife and I, we have," however many kids they had and he was like, "And we only let our kids listen to Christian radio because we never want our kids to hear all the bad stuff that's in secular music." And so I said, "I don't have any kids," and I was like, "But I feel if I had kids, I don't know that I would want them to just listen to Christian radio because how are they going to know what a really good bass line sounds like? How are they going to know what an amazing horn section could sound like? How are they going to know about harmonies and really good background vocalist? Or a very well written song? So I hope that if I have kids, they get to listen to Stevie Wonder, or The Jackson 5, or some of those old Motown records, I hope they get to hear some Run DMC and some other stuff so that they know what good music sounds like."

Amena Brown:

Because that's the one thing I feel Christian radio is missing is actually good music. And you all, some of you all are picking up on the fact that maybe I should have picked up on the fact that I was totally offending this man, because this was clearly how he makes his money. He's making the music that I was basically saying, it's not good music. But I really didn't pick up on it, because I just thought like, "Shouldn't he know that. Shouldn't he know. Shouldn't he know that," but he didn't and he huffed and puffed, and he was very offended, but I never saw him again. And I really couldn't tell you his government name to this day, to be honest, but I still stand by what I said. Even though my mom, I don't know, I have to ask her because I know she listens to the podcast sometimes. How she feels about how her own spiritual journey impacted me as her kid, because I experienced both eras of her.

Amena Brown:

I experienced my mom before she was going back to church, and I experienced her afterwards. But what I love about that is that I got to experience a wide variety of music, and that's how I like to listen to music to this day. I'm not, I will be honest with you all, I'm not a super eclectic music listener. I like what I like. Inside the genres I like, I can get interested in being eclectic, but I like what I like. I like the type of hip hop where the MCs are lyricists, where they are poets, where they are good writers, that's the type of hip hop I like. I like soul music. A lot of the hip hop I like would also technically fall in the category of being soul music on a level. I still love gospel music. I still love Tramaine Hawkins, and some of those old formative songs for me. I still love a good classic Kirk Franklin song.

Amena Brown:

And there's some new music that I love, I totally fell in love with Cardi B and I did not think that I would love her music like I do. I love Cardi B. I love seeing Kendrick Lamar come onto the scene as a new MC. I find different artists that I fall in love with all the time, but I love that there's a lot of music out there that we are not just only into this one genre. I love that there's a lot of music to hear. I love that music has the power to express a lot of things to us. And I love that I think music is sacred, but I don't necessarily categorize it as secular. I think music is sacred. I think it's human. I think it's beautiful. Well, and I don't really want to go a day without listening to music.

Amena Brown:

I was dating a guy once who, one of my questions I would ask guys when I was dating them is, if they could pick a song that they would want to wake up to everyday. Or if they pick a song that was a motivator to them, what would they pick? And I dated this guy once, he literally got quiet and he was like, "Man, I don't know. I don't really listen to music very much." And I was like, "Wow. This date's over. This date is over." I literally married a musician. What are we talking about? That is one of the things that bonded my husband and I is our love for music is one of the things that bonds us to this day. All of the DJs we've had opportunities to see together. All of the live music acts we've had the chance to see. So that's my story you all, the music I threw away and found again. I would love to get DMs from you if you too threw away your music.

Amena Brown:

And another thing that I love about right now about all the access we have to music is there's so much music that you can find again. There's so much music that maybe you were never even exposed to that you can find. So I hope you do that. Talk soon you all. HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.