Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 86

Amena:

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to a new episode of HER With Amena Brown. Thank you so much for those of you that may just be finding the podcast. So we did a rerun of a few of our favorite episodes over the summer while I was traveling and eating all the peaches and cucumbers because summer is just an amazing season for the fruits and some of the vegetables, but a lot of the fruits. So I hope that you all enjoyed your summertime and had some good and fun times with some people that you love and hope you had some good food too.

Amena:

So during the summer I had the opportunity to attend and work at Essence Festival. And if you're not familiar with Essence Festival, although I know many of you are hopefully, but Essence Festival is it's a massive festival that in a lot of ways centers Black women because Essence Festival is an offshoot of Essence Magazine, which is a magazine that's been around for a very long time that has centered the stories of Black women and Essence Festival is this outgrowth of that. And Essence Festival has concerts, it has exercise and wellness and food and beauty things. It's like if a conference and a concert and a bunch of shopping and some of your favorite Black celebrities all converge in New Orleans for almost a week, basically.

Amena:

So I had the opportunity to be a part of Essence Festival because I was invited to host some game show segments on the Beauty Carnival Stage at Essence. And the Beauty Carnival Stage is the stage that's in this area where a lot of beauty brands are there that the people who are attending us Essence Festival can come and get to know more about some of the brands that were there. And of course, there are all sorts of vendors selling clothes and earrings. And then there are other brands that may not necessarily be beauty-related, but maybe health-related or food-related that will also be in some of those areas.

Amena:

So I was here on this stage that didn't have performances, but obviously had games and game shows that were there, as well as interviews and panel discussions and stuff like this. So I was very excited because I have wanted to get a chance to perform or be on stage at Essence Festival for a really long time. So to get invited was a big deal to me and to get a chance to see how it works because I have never even just attended Essence Festival. I've had a couple of times that some girlfriends were going and they invited me to go and I couldn't go for various reasons. And then I was planning on going with one of my best friends for my 40th, but my 40th happened to fall in 2020. And so that meant that I could not go to Essence Festival because of the pandemic, whomp, whomp, whomp.

Amena:

So all that to say, I was very excited to get a chance to finally just be there for Essence Festival and to have the opportunity to work Essence Festival, which I was like, I would love to just attend Essence, but if I could get booked for Essence, I would love to be doing one of two things. I would love to either be performing my poetry or I would love to be hosting in some capacity. So to get the chance to host game show segments on the Beauty Carnival Stage was amazing.

Amena:

I'm putting it out there y'all that I hope in the future, I'll be able to come back to you all and tell you about the times that I performed poetry there and got a chance to do even more hosting. I would love to do that. And just so happens that this year's Essence Festival, Janet Jackson was headlining the Saturday night concert. And that's really what this episode is about. This episode is about Janet Jackson and Janet Jackson deserves more than the minutes I may have to give you in this episode. And if I am saying Janet Jackson's name, and you're not familiar with her music at all or maybe you're familiar with her newer music and you're not familiar with the music from the earlier parts of her career, this is your encouragement to do a deep dive wherever you like to listen to your music, do a deep dive into her music because it will be very well worth it.

Amena:

So I'm going to start you from the beginning of my becoming a fan of Janet Jackson. My first cassette tape, I'm pretty sure I didn't buy it because I was six years old, so my first cassette tape that I can remember having of my own that I could keep in my room and then play in my little whatever tape player I had access to was Janet Jackson's Control, which for me always feels like Janet's first album, but I actually think it was her second album if I remember right.

Amena:

Janet Jackson's Control, the cover of Control is perfect. Those of you that may follow me on social media know that I sometimes like to see if I can figure out how to mimic an album cover. And this album cover for Control is an album that I would love to figure out how I could mimic, except I don't know that my hair would really do what Janet's hair was doing in this cover. And even at six years old, the eighties was an interesting time to be a child because I was allowed to listen to this whole cassette. I was about to say CD, but this whole cassette tape and obviously, there are some things on this cassette that I'm sure a six year old is maybe not ready to hear. There was some very sexy songs, at least one sexy song I can remember at the end of this album that I'm sure a six year old wasn't ready for it, but I really have vague memories of that. And more of my memories are of hearing Control and What Have You Done for Me Lately.

Amena:

And this is an interesting time to think about having been listening to this cassette as a six year old because this was also at sort of this beginning era of the music video. And we know that Janet Jackson really just reigned as the queen of a lot of amazing music videos. And so my memories of this music are part me listening to it and part me remembering these videos of Janet, just skipping around with her friends, talking about this boy she likes, that's how I interpreted this at the time.

Amena:

I just loved her music. I loved her. I loved her smile. I loved those black jeans that she wore in the Control video. I loved the mic and the headset. I had very large Janet posters on my wall. I remember for my seventh birthday, I think my mom had gotten me a poster and then I asked for a poster for my seventh birthday. And I also remember having my first ever sleepover with my friends from school. And there were probably, I don't know, maybe there were six or seven of them, maybe it was 10 of us. I don't remember how many of us there were in all. I mean, now as an adult, I'm like, wow, shout out to my mom for doing a sleepover with that many little children, but I remember they came over and they got me all sorts of different little Janet Jackson things that I loved so much because they all knew how much I loved Janet. I'm sure some of them did too.

Amena:

And it just meant a lot to a little Black girl to see Janet Jackson, to see her hips and her cheekbones and to see her dancing and in a lot of ways that I don't think I reflected on until I got older, seeing her really take control of her music and of her life. And that was a very powerful image to young me. Okay, so then I went on to not only be a person that had her magazine cutouts and posters on my wall. Some of y'all are going to listen to this and be like, what? Back in the day because there was no Twitter, there was no TikTok, there was no Instagram, no Facebook, there was no online way that you could talk to artists that you were fans of, but a lot of big artists back then had fan clubs and they had mailing addresses for their fan clubs.

Amena:

So some artists had their stuff organized enough that maybe there were regional meetings where you could meet other people. I never had that experience. But back in the day when you would buy someone's cassette or CD, I don't know about album because I only remember having one or two albums as a child and then went my whole adult life and then got into my thirties and started buying all the albums again, so I don't know how all of that was actually because by the time I was old enough to buy my own music and read the liner notes and all that, I was really buying cassettes and CDs. But inside the cassette and the CD, the insert that when you were a big fan of an artist, you'd open up the whole thing and stare at it.

Amena:

That's how I learned a lot of the words to these songs. They would have a little address, if you wanted to send fan mail to this artist, they would have an address. And so Janet's people put that address in her cassette tape. I know I send her at least two letters, school pictures included so that I could tell her how school was going and how much I loved her music, how much her music meant to me. Who knows if she ever read any of them or where they ever went, but it just felt nice to feel like you could send some sort of a letter to her. I mean, I really am just heart-warmed and just touched thinking about my little eight year old self sending Janet my little school pictures in my sweater vest, bless my heart.

Amena:

And then I must have been about, maybe I was about nine or 10 by the time I was listening to Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation. I also had this cassette tape that my mom bought for me and this cassette I remember really specifically because I remember cassettes were either white or they were this taupe kind of color and Rhythm Nation, the cassette was black with white writing and I thought that was amazing. I thought that was the best thing to ever happen to me. I thought it was amazing and Rhythm Nation I really loved because it was so cool to me as a kid to hear this artist I loved taking on this social commentary of the day. I really admired that she did that in Rhythm Nation and quiet as it's kept, there is a Rhythm Nation VHS. I wish that I still owned mine. I don't know what I did with mine, but there was a Rhythm Nation short film and it's interesting.

Amena:

I'm a huge Beyonce fan, as well. And when I think about what Beyonce has done with these ideas of the visual album, what she did with Lemonade, what she did with the visuals that went with the Beyonce album, as well as what she did with the Homecoming images and film that went on to Netflix from the Coachella performance. When you think about that, I know that Beyonce is also a huge Janet fan and these were things that Janet was doing with her music, as well, that Rhythm Nation actually had a short film that went with it. It was 20 or 30 minutes and I actually re-watched it the other day. I'm going to see if we can find the link. I'm hoping the link is still up because someone on YouTube, bless their hearts, found this and put it on YouTube because the VHS is out of print.

Amena:

And if you watch it now you'll look at it now and realize, hmm, some of this, you can see maybe why Janet and her team would not want to put this back on a DVD, but it'll give you a little slice of time and history to see what Janet was doing with this music and how she was able to work with her team to come up with this visual idea. And it just made me feel so empowered. I think that was a part of some really empowered music for a lot of us who were that age, to see her talking about how, I mean, her screaming, yelling, "It's time to give a damn, let's work together." I was like, "I'm ready to work together, girl. What we doing?"

Amena:

Then the other Janet thing that I remember really being important to my developmental years was Janet's video for That's the Way Love Goes. And That's the Way Love Goes is still one of my favorite songs to this day because it just has that opening guitar. I mean, so good. I want to really almost stop the episode and just be like...

Amena:

If we were friends, friends... Y'all are my friends, but if we were friends, friends, I would be like, "Girl, we just have to stop for a second so we can just play the song real quick." But to think about just the sound of that song. Oh, it just sounded so grown and so sexy. It sounded like Janet was making a musical and a soulful statement about not only who she is as an artist, but also who she is as a woman, that she is a woman who's grown as hell now. And she's not that same, like when I was 17, I did what people told me. When she gets into this Janet album era, which is the album that That's the Way Love Goes was on. I remember this music video and this is also interesting for me when I think about sort of my musical experiences growing up because a part of my music experiences were about my experiences, listening to music by myself on my little boombox or listening in my Walkman at the time.

Amena:

But also a lot of that was very connected to music videos too. And this song is no different in that I remember hearing the song, but I most remember seeing this music video with a young JLo, with all of these beautiful people with crop tops and earth tones. I mean, when I watched this music video, as far as I was concerned, this is what adulthood was going to be for me. It's somehow me in this amazing very well designed warehouse-like apartment loft situation. It's my friends and I having some sort of a grown get together and it is somehow intellectual and yet sexy. This is the life I thought was going to be for me. I was like, surely this is going to be my twenties, this video right here. This is it.

Amena:

And the other thing that I didn't listen to intently because I don't remember that I bought this album. I just remember engaging with this music with the videos. Like the video for If that came out, which was mind blowing, watching Janet and these dancers kill it like they were doing. But I was picking up on something that even bringing Beyonce into the conversation, something that I felt was really apparent in Beyonce's Beyonce album, that you're experiencing a woman artist who's also having a bit of a sexual awakening. And I remember also picking up on that of the songs I did listen to on the Janet album.

Amena:

Now, as we will discuss in other episodes. And as I have previously discussed with you all in some previous episodes having been a person that grew up in church that it wasn't that sex was being discussed with me as something that could be good, normal, beautiful, okay. It was definitely, especially as a young person being presented to me as something you need to be very, very afraid of. You need to be very wary of.

Amena:

So I was watching Janet go through this and I was very intrigued that she seemed to be having an awakening, but I was also afraid of it. Afraid of it and afraid to delve anymore deeply into that. So some of her records, I really didn't get into them until many years later that I came back to sort of listen again to this music. So I kind of fell off of listening to her albums after she put out the Velvet Rope and she put out many albums after that.

Amena:

And here I am at Essence Festival in this arena, I think they said there were about 80,000 of us in this arena watching Janet Jackson perform, watching her headline that night. And it was really a beautiful, full circle moment for me.

Amena:

I think, first of all, it's probably the largest kind of live concert thing that I've been to since the pandemic and prior to the pandemic I am a person and my husband and I both just as a couple, we love to go to live shows. For me as a writer, as a performer live music is just so inspiring to me, especially when it's an artist that you know, and love and you've listened to their music in and out. And then you can see the things that they're doing with their band and DJ and dancers and whatever kind of setup they have. It's always a beautiful, inspiring experience. It is always something that has an element of feeling a bit sacred for me, and to just sit there and number one, hear these hits of hers that I have loved and hear her voice singing that live, watching her dance with her dancers and kill it and watching her do some of the dance routines that were so familiar that I remember many of us this was before there was YouTube or anything.

Amena:

So if you really wanted to learn one of these dance routines from Rhythm Nation or from If, or from Pleasure Principle, the one where she was doing the dance routine with the chair and all that. If you really wanted to learn that stuff, you sometimes had to literally wait for the video to come on, over and over, you had to watch with your friends and call your friends on the phone and tell them, "Okay, okay, okay, it's on." And you watch and learn all things. So to see her doing some of those dance steps that just become so signature to that music for me was amazing. I think also I just, honestly, y'all had a really emotional moment of reflection because personally, this hasn't been an easy year.

Amena:

There have been some hard things that have gone on this year and to, I'm trying to explain this to y'all, and those of you that are listening that may be going through something really difficult right now, or you remember a season in your life where you went through something really difficult how you can go through something that is so difficult. And for many of us that is so traumatizing that you almost feel like your life becomes that. If it was a loss that you experienced, if it was violence that you experienced, it becomes so life shattering that you can just feel like that's now my life that's now what I am or who I am.

Amena:

And there was something about sitting there and watching Janet Jackson perform and thinking about my little six year old self who just loved her, just loved her and finally after all these years getting to see her live. And in a way it helped me to remember, even though I am a person that has experienced some really tough things. I am not just a person that has only experienced that. I'm a person who also has capacity to experience joy and elation and inspiration. I am all of that. And I was reminded of that moving my shoulders to Janet, doing Miss You Much at Essence.

Amena:

And even thinking aging, I've been thinking a lot about that at different points because now being in my forties, it's not that being in my forties is old by any means, but in a way it's sort of like there's a certain point to which you may have imagined your life. And when I was in my twenties, I could sort of imagine myself at 40, but that's kind of as far as I stopped, because if I got into fifties and sixties and seventies and I was starting to get maybe in the age range of my parents or in the age range of my grandparents and I just really could not imagine my life any further than that.

Amena:

So in some ways now actually being in my forties and realizing, oh, my young self only could imagine my life to a point. And now I'm kind of in the part of my life where I get the opportunity to imagine for myself now what do I want this decade of my life or this next 20 or 30 years or 40 years, or however, what do I want for my life? What do I want that to look like? And looking at Janet here in her fifties, still doing this thing that she loves, knowing that she too has been through a lot of hard things and experienced her own elements of loss and grief and experienced her life not going the way that maybe she'd hoped or planned and finding ways to still do the music, finding ways to still make music and do what she loved.

Amena:

And me sort of sitting there now in my forties, thinking about what that means in my own life, trying to really see myself as a whole person and getting to see Janet in this era of her life and just being reminded, just because I may get to an era of my life that I hadn't had a chance yet to imagine what that life would be doesn't mean that this isn't a good time to do that for myself to think well, my 20 something self couldn't think wonder what I'll want to be doing when I'm 48? And maybe that's okay at 42, now this is a good time to ask myself those questions. What do I want to be doing at 42? What do I hope for my life to be when I'm in my fifties? How do I want to build towards that? Whether it's financially or creatively even, or in the work that I do.

Amena:

So lots of inspiration from sitting there and watching Janet just kill it. I mean, it was amazing. And I just saw her at Essence Festival and truthfully, if she released some tour dates right now, I'd probably still want to buy a ticket because it was that amazing. So shout out to Janet Jackson, shout out to our first cassette tapes, those of us who remember having our first cassette tapes and shout out to all of the music that we love, that formed us. And I hope as you all are listening that you will remember too, that you are a whole person, how you are not just the things that you've been through. You are not just the hard stuff that you've survived. You are all these things.

Amena:

You're a person who can experience pleasure, joy. You're a person whose heart may have been broken and all of that can be a part of you. All of that can be a part of what you carry with you into the next season of your life. And maybe this is a good time to imagine or reimagine yourself or your next season of life. Maybe life is not turning out like how you thought it was, but that doesn't mean that there could not be good and beautiful life ahead for you.

Amena:

So that's what I hope for myself and that's what I hope for y'all too. An ode to Janet Jackson and to my first cassette tape to the ability to rewind when we need to. Thanks, y'all see y'all next week.

Amena:

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening. And don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown episode 85

Amena Brown:

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to a new episode of HER with Amena Brown. And I've been telling you all that September is a month of anniversaries. It is my wedding anniversary. It is the anniversary of the relaunch of this podcast. And as many of you know, I am the poetic partner for national haircare brand Pattern, and this month is Pattern's two year anniversary and ooh, y'all. [musical interlude]. I am excited to welcome into our HER living room the CEO and founder of Pattern, producer, actor, CEO, activist, Tracee Ellis Ross.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

Hi. Wonderful to join you here, Amena. We have such a strong creative bond, so it's wonderful for me to enter your family and your world the way you have so beautifully entered and elevated Pattern's and mine.

Amena Brown:

I feel so many emotional vibes. I'm curious to also talk with you and hear how it is feeling to you now at two years of being CEO and founder of Pattern. But first I have to start with the very important questions, Tracee. You're here in the HER living room. I imagine this as the living room where I gather with my girl friends when we go to each other's house. We bring drinks. We bring snacks. When you go to hang out with your girl friends, what is your favorite food or drink that you typically bring to the gathering?

Tracee Ellis Ross:

Well, we often cook together. There's a small gaggle of us. My best and closest sort of core group of girl friends lives in New York. We often are at Monica's house around her kitchen table. Monica's a great cook. I've been best friends with Monica since college. And I usually make something out of what she has as opposed to bringing something, so I'm usually in charge of the salads. I'm a queen of the salads. I also love a bottle of wine. What do we drink? We usually drink wine. We recently have graduated more into cocktails. When we're together, when we travel, we do an Aperol spritz. Romy and I love a dirty martini, and so does Kevin. So we mix it up, but it's a long friendship, so I don't know that there's a regular thing. It's a good 30 years, Amena, with all of us.

Amena Brown:

The depth of a 30 year friendship. Think I've got some friendships a little over 20 years, about to hit the 25 year mark. There's a level of depth.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

Yeah. There's something that happens. It's amazing. I mean, there's nothing better than that. It's the next closest thing to family, and it's a different version of family. It's the chosen family. But yeah, 30 years. I mean, Monica and I... Hold on. It might be longer than that. I was 17.

Amena Brown:

Wow. That's dope.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

Samira, I was 22. Romy, I was, I think, 25. Even though we went to high school together, we weren't friends in high school. She was a year behind me. So yeah, it's been a long time for all of us.

Amena Brown:

Can you discuss the merits of the salad situation? What are things that you feel are necessary to make a salad, really step it up? Discuss.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

Okay, this is a really good topic, Amena. People poo-poo and say, "Oh, salad's not cooking." Bull crap, people. Let me tell you something. There's a lot of really important factors. Number one, bagged lettuce is a no-no.

Amena Brown:

Oh.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

No ma'am. Got to get that lettuce and break it off of its own little heart. You got to wash it by hand. You got to shake it and get that water off. Every time you touch the lettuce, first of all, lettuce is not a sturdy situation. Lettuce is delicate. It is fickle. You've got to be loving with it. You can't dress it too early. Salad dressing out of a jar, bottle, anything pre-made, no ma'am, over, done. The salad has been ruined. Nope. People are always like, "I don't understand what you do to my salad." My ex-boyfriend was like, "I don't even eat salad." And I was like, "You do now."

Tracee Ellis Ross:

He's like, "It's my favorite thing in the world." I make all kinds of salads. I was just thinking of the last time I was with Monica and Samira and the ladies. We did butternut squash on arugula with shallots, so baked butternut squash on fresh, live arugula with sunflower seeds and shallots and a balsamic vinaigrette with a little wee bit of honey in it.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

I also love when I do... I shave the carrots, really thin... I don't know what you call it when they're long and skinny, with olives, green and black olives cut without the pits in them, fennel, red onion. I mean, come on. Come on. And then there's the regular salads that I always make. One of my favorite salads, there's two favorite salads that go with steak, depending on how you're making your steak. You can do romaine hearts with corn, hearts of palm, and red onions with olive oil and lemon, or you can do arugula with apples, red onions. One of my siblings doesn't like fruit in the salad, so I have to put that on the side at home when I cook.

Amena Brown:

Oh. I want to thank you for regaling us with these tips, because I mean, as soon as you said shallots, I was like, oh, I see what we're doing here. This is not a game.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

Yeah. I like to tell people shallots are an elegant onion.

Amena Brown:

I do feel that way. I feel like anytime someone's like, "And there are fried shallots," I'm like, "I'll have that," because that's what-

Tracee Ellis Ross:

I'll have that.

Amena Brown:

... a fancy lady would eat, and I want to also be fancy.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

Yeah. I'm in charge of the food with my family when we do family whatever. My brother Ross and I do the food.

Amena Brown:

Oh, I love it.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

Whether it's the cooking or the, "What are we going to order," but we're in charge of food. My younger brother Evan does snacks.

Amena Brown:

So it's cooking or curation. I respect that, Tracee. I respect that. Being able to be a curator of food, I respect that.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

That's right. You got to figure that out. Is it a pizza night? You know what I'm talking about? Is it Chinese food? What are we doing?

Amena Brown:

And then you got to know where to order from. That's a talent, because I do have some friends, after a while you're like, "You can't be the one who picks anymore because you don't know how to."

Tracee Ellis Ross:

How about those friends that you think you were really close, and then you don't have the same taste buds, and you're like, "Yeah, this is awful and tastes like nothing. So I don't know where your taste level is, but I think our friendship might be over."

Amena Brown:

It's a question. It puts some question marks in the air. I've had some friends when we go to visit places, I'm like, "We're going to choose the restaurant, not you, because there's some levels of food that are okay with you, and I feel life is too short to eat food like that."

Tracee Ellis Ross:

Yeah. I happen to, all of my core group, we share the food foodiness.

Amena Brown:

This is important. I feel enriched. I feel enriched.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

I'm getting hungry.

Amena Brown:

I feel enriched and attacked about the bag of salad that's in my fridge, so that's fine. I know the life I need to live now, Tracee. I know the life I need to live. I have been brought to a new level today, so I'm going to work on that. I want to start also by just sharing a mushy moment with you that is Pattern involved. So y'all in the living room, I realized I was going to be working with Tracee and Pattern by getting an email through my website, from a creative agency. Now, of course, Tracee, it didn't say your name and it didn't say Pattern. It was very respectfully nebulous. It was very like, "A campaign is being launched in the air at some point sometime soon. A prominent figure is founding this company. We want to know if you will add a poetic voice to a thing that is happening. Please write us back." At which time, Tracee, I was like, "A scam." So I sent it-

Tracee Ellis Ross:

Yeah. I mean, listen to me. Amena, that sounds like a scam. I'm surprised we're sitting here right now. That sounds like you were being catfished, sucker punched all in one.

Amena Brown:

I was like, "This is a scam." So I sent it to my now manager, but she wasn't my manager then. I was like, "Can you be my manager 20 minutes and find out if this is legit?" So we find out that it is Pattern, and I have my first phone call with you and the team where you were telling me, "Here's the vision for Pattern. Here's what I want the language to sound like surrounding this brand that I'm creating." And I was in my car in a small town in North Carolina right before a gig. My family was in the hotel where I was staying at the time. And I was like, "We can't have my family loud talking while I'm trying to find out what's going on with Pattern right now, number one. And number two, I can't tell y'all it's Pattern or that it's Tracee, so we're taking this call in the car."

Tracee Ellis Ross:

At that point, no one even in the public knew I was even starting a hair brand.

Amena Brown:

Y'all, we were all sworn to secrecy, and I was like, I'm going to keep this secret. Nobody needs to come get my bone marrow, because I was the one revealing this before it was rolled out. Which I do want to say to y'all, at that point, keeping that secret and then seeing how Pattern launched, seeing the rollout, I mean, that is still one of the most amazingly executed rollouts I've ever seen. Because each of us that were involved sort of knew our different parts, but getting to see it all roll out together. So my mushy moment, Tracee, is that we talk through everything, we talk through the fact that we were going to meet up in New York because you were going to be there meeting with other people on the team that were getting ready to help do the launch.

Amena Brown:

And right before we hung up, you said, "Amena, I should've started with this." You said, "your work is truthful, it's soulful, it's full of joy, it's full of lightness. And that is why I want to work with you." And then we all just did our, "Everybody has their assignments. Okay, bye." We hung up. And I sat in my car for a little while, Tracee, because I was in this point in my career, I was turning 39 that year, 2019, and I was experiencing this very strange shake up in my career at a time that I didn't think it was going to shake up.

Amena Brown:

And I just felt this sense of like, there are some things I've been doing, some spaces I've been in. I need to get out of that. My work is trying to tell me it wants to broaden itself, but I know I need to leave where I've been. I don't know where I go from here. And you saying those words to me really impacted me in this way, because I was sort of doing this searching inside, which you didn't know, but you saying those words to me really set me on a path inside of understanding what was possible for my career at that point. So mushy moment. It's on a little Post-it in my office. I'm not going to lie about it, Tracee. It's on a Post-it so I can remember.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

First of all, I really appreciate you sharing that with me. I feel like the touchstones of those moments and being able to give them space and breathing room in community and with another person, and particularly the person that named that for you or whatever that is, it does the same on my side, you telling it. I had my own experience, and I've had multiple mushy moments with you, though, because part of what sort of opened with you and I was my 10 years of dreaming of Pattern and all of the language and words and vision and imaginings, and all of that that I had dreamt of needed to take flight with somebody's expertise.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

And part of our conversation was that I started to feel the branches of Pattern growing, and the realization that when you are a CEO, when you've found something, when you find a baby and you make it, then you let all the other hands be a part of it. I was trying to get you to express my vision, but through what you do, your experience, your joy, your light, your rhythm, and all of our hands... As you said, we all went off on assignments. And it becomes this thing that is not mine, it's ours, which is the reflection of what I really wanted the company to be about.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

It's a reflection of who we are, and we're so many different things. And I also remember in that conversation with you, having what had been in my mind and heart for so long, having it come out, and it made it feel really real. This wasn't something that I was just, I don't know, just me in my bathroom or in my bed dreaming. It made it really real. And then the other third piece was, I remember saying to you... Because we had multiple conversations. We had that first one. Then we had the in-person one, which by the way, I've never seen that footage back, Amena. I just remember we videoed that.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, me either.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

[inaudible 00:13:18]. I was like, where'd that go? [crosstalk 00:13:19]-

Amena Brown:

Yeah. We got to find out about that.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

That would be really cool to see that. So we had multiple conversations, and then I remember saying... I remember at the end of every conversation, which is something that we still do, I'm like, "so those are my ideas. Now you go make your magic." And I remember you called me once. You were like, "I don't know if I'm the right direction." I'm like, "Do you think you're in the right direction? I think you're in the right direction." And then we would play some more.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

And then remember, that's how the other piece came out from the Manifesta, which the world still has not gotten to feel and hear, but is coming. That was just something that was an offshoot of a moment for you. It was like another piece started spilling forward. It's so funny because it sounds like we're talking about nothing, but we're talking about something. Do you know what I mean? I was like, if someone else is listening, which they're going to be doing, they're going to be like, "What are they talking about?" We're talking about poetry. How do you define poetry? How do you define what you do?

Amena Brown:

I kind of feel like the style of poetry that I write is something like if comedy and monologue and jazz and hip hop tried to come together in something. I feel like that's my style. And maybe a little bit of a soul music writer. I feel like some of that, like the way that Bill Withers was able to... I mean, like that Grandma's Hands, that imagery right there, which I felt was really important in the words I was hearing you say about your vision for Pattern. It felt important that those words needed to be concrete, that when people hear you saying those words, they needed to have visual, have a sense of smell or remember some things because those words were written that way. And I do love for words to do that work. I feel like that's the best thing.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

They do. And they also offer a frame. They offer a mirroring. They offer context and history and tie us to our legacy. They do all of those things. We get to tell our own stories. And we have not always been able to, even though we have been doing it anyway. And particularly as Black women, the power of language and the ability to language feeling, to language history, to language legacy, family, community. How do you put into words what your grandmother's mac and cheese tastes like? you know what I mean? How do you put into words what the experience is of sitting between your aunt's legs with a Goody comb, getting your hair done and having her squeeze you so you don't move?

Amena Brown:

Okay. Okay.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

It's like you say, there's many people in the world that, holding your ear, they don't know the connotation of that. So how do you both not tell for those who don't know, but share for those of us that do in a way that etches our truth in time and that offers an expansiveness to the reality of what is our connection? And so much of that comes through the portal of hair. And it's something that you and I have talked about, but Pattern is not a social justice organization, but at the center of Pattern is the celebration of Black beauty.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

And in the world we live in, that in and of itself is a form of activism. It's a form of resistance. And so all of the different pieces of the company and that portal that you have given us access to, even the glossary was something that I dreamt up so many years. I remember where I was. It was like four years before Pattern had a name. I was still trying figure out how to make the company happen. I was like, one day... Because I would go to all these different places and they're like, "You mean kinky hair."

Tracee Ellis Ross:

Everybody had these different definitions, and then there were all these different connotations, and this person felt this word was negative, and this one loved the same word, and all these different kinds of things. And I was like, so much of our words that we have come from a paradigm and a system that did not celebrate and see us or see us as beautiful, and certainly didn't understand our hair. And so I wanted to write a legacy that didn't necessarily redefine, but gave our language, our words, the poetry that actually matches our hair. Because the words are so small, but what they connotate is expansive, and so I wanted to redefine the definition, not the words.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. That was a really fun thing to get to do once you shared with me, "This is the vision of what I want this glossary to be like, and I want to still keep this poetic voice." So to get some of those words that, wash day, I mean different terms that we've thrown around and to reimagine them in this poetic form was amazing to get to do. And still, now what I love about the glossary is that it lives and breathes, so there will be different times that-

Tracee Ellis Ross:

It's expanding.

Amena Brown:

... new terms need to be added to it, and then to get to reimagine those terms has been so fun. I want to take you back to New York City when you are there what we now know was six months before Pattern was going to launch, your meeting with everyone, getting all the final touches, put on different things. I am one of the people that is going to be meeting with you. And I remember I was staying with one of my girl friends. Shout out to Jamila. I was staying with her in New York, and I was like, "What we're not going to do is not be late to this meeting." So I was like, "I'm going to leave early enough in case the subway decides to fail or some speed movie happens. I don't want to be late."

Amena Brown:

I get there, and I'm 30 minutes early, and there's a Starbucks down the street from the creative agency where we were all meeting with you. And I remember I had my New York bag because I have my certain things I feel like I need to have when I go to New York. So I had my New York bag, and I walked into the Starbucks, Tracee, and I plopped my New York bag on the table, and I sat down and just hyperventilated for like 10 minutes. I was so nervous about everything because I had the first draft of the Pattern Manifesta to share with you, and I was so nervous. It was going to be our first time meeting in person. And as New York is, this man walks in and he's like, "Is anybody sitting here," and totally sat at the table with me while I hyperventilated, and didn't ask me anything about if I was all right, nothing.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

Amena, do you remember the date? Because I think I have those pictures in my phone.

Amena Brown:

Oh my gosh. It was the end of March or the beginning of April 2019, because there was a certain amount of days that you were going to be in town, and we met for two days. I can't remember if it was March 30th and April 1st or if it was April 1st and April 2nd, but it was somewhere around that time. And I did my little hyperventilation for 20 minutes and got myself together. And then I still, honestly, Tracee, even though I had talked to you on the phone multiple times by this time, I was still like, what if I'm still being catfished? What if the whole time it really wasn't Tracee?

Tracee Ellis Ross:

Oh my God. That's [crosstalk 00:21:31].

Amena Brown:

I was like, just not sure. I was wondering if I was going to go up to the elevator and it was going to open up and it was going to be like a scene from Fame where the dancer thought they were getting this amazing audition with this amazing Hollywood director, and instead it was going to be some big, hairy man with a crop top and his hairy belly.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

Oh, I can't.

Amena Brown:

And I was going to walk in, and he was going to be like, "You thought you were meeting with Tracee Ellis Ross, but it's me. I'm Tracee."

Tracee Ellis Ross:

I can't believe that even then... I wish I had the picture because I know it's in my phone. I just don't know the date. And I can find it, and I'm going to text it to you. But that's so crazy. You were cool as a cucumber, Amena.

Amena Brown:

Okay, outside, okay, because inside I was freaked out until I... Once the elevator opened up, Tracee, and I saw this is a real creative agency. The name is right there on the wall. I saw you and the team in the boardroom in their meeting. And I was like, you're okay. You're safe. And then you and I went in the room and read through the Manifesta and did what was going to be this amazing creative process of really shaving the piece in these ways, figuring out the things that were there that you wanted more of, the things that maybe weren't there that you wanted some of.

Amena Brown:

And I want to ask you, when you look back on that, now that here we are at two years anniversary of Pattern, when you look back at that moment as you are stepping into CEO even further, what was that time like six months out from Pattern's launch as you're okaying all the things that are going to tell this story that you've had germinating for so long?

Tracee Ellis Ross:

Well, I will also say I surrounded myself with old friends. The creative director is someone that I had known and know, and is a really good friend, for 20 years. Stylist, creative consultant, best friend for 30 years. And I did that on purpose because it gave me my footing. In the places and spaces where I had doubt, I knew I could trust not only their expertise, but their judgment as people that I go to even if it weren't a work project. They're my counsel anyway. But the truth is, I felt so in my element. It was like, I've been waiting my whole life to get a chance to make that kind of baby.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

And every step of this company has felt like that. Even the parts when I get wobbly, when I get scared, when I get overwhelmed and feel like I actually don't know, or I don't know if we should have done that. Was that the wrong thing? Whoa. You know what I mean? It didn't feel bad when we decided that, but now that it's hitting the air in the atmosphere, I feel differently about it. I don't know. There's been so many of those moments, so much growth curve on a regular basis.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

And I don't think I knew how much was involved, and I love working, especially because the things I work on are things I love, and my hands are in every aspect of Pattern. But the copy on the back of a package, every single thing on the back of a package has to be approved, and I want to make sure it matches my exact intentions and the company's mission and the company's ethos, and that there's no wrong term. And then realizing that even if there are things that you go, "Ooh, I didn't like that, that was a mistake you can," you can, okay, so that's a wash. It is what it is, but you keep it moving.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

One of the things that I discovered in this Pattern journey is that I love a team. I've always loved a team, but it's very different being a CEO in a team than an actor in a team. And it's really interesting to learn something new and to not know how to do it. And I think the biggest thing that I've learned that I like to share with people is, I didn't grow up knowing even what a CEO was. I remember maybe four years ago somebody saying something about C-suites. I was like, "C-suites? Is that a presidential suite?" I was like, "Is that something at the airport?" My brain went to hotel or airport. And they were like, "Like CEO, COO."

Tracee Ellis Ross:

And I was like, "What are you talking about? I don't know what that means." You don't have to know what that means. Being a CEO is based on intention, vision, gut instinct. But what I have really learned is, a successful company is not built from just a mission and a vision. You can't have a successful company without that, but that's not the only factor. Execution, operation, strategy is incredibly important. You can have the best idea. You can have the best product. You can even make that product and it be amazing.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

If you can't fulfill your orders, the supply chain is so complex and so intense... I mean, I'm learning on a regular basis the financials of how you back in things, how with a retail partner versus just direct to consumer or online, how you hold stock. It is no joke. And if your company, and by the way, this is a term I didn't know, scaling. Again, scaling, I'm like, what, how you climb up the outside of a building? How you scale a building? No, it's how a company grows. So as a company is scaling, the growth pains of that. And so for me as an artist, because I am first and foremost an artist, I'm a creative, but I do have a very strong business mind, trying to merge those two things has been exciting and wonderful, but it's a lot of new stuff to learn.

Amena Brown:

Right. I want to ask you about this. What's your favorite thing so far about being the founder and CEO of Pattern?

Tracee Ellis Ross:

The incredible stories I hear in the most fascinating ways and places. They enter into my space and [inaudible 00:28:13] on the street or through a comment on Instagram, or a friend will send me a text that her mom's cousin or something... And I'll get videos and things of like, "My daughter hated her curly hair, but she's embracing it now." "My hair is the softest it's ever been." "My curl pattern is back." The stories that I hear about people embracing their authentic, natural curl patterns and experiencing their hair in a space of beauty and joy is so fulfilling to me, because it's so much of who we are and it's the most beautiful thing. And our culture has really robbed us of some of the most basic joys about our authentic beingness. Sure, the term Black girl magic is lovely, but we're not magic. We're real.

Amena Brown:

That part.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

And we're so real and so incredible that to some people, it looks like magic. But I feel like we get to recognize each other and continue to uplift this idea that each unique version of a twist, bend, coil, zigzag is just some piece of art that is connected to a being and a soul and a legacy and a history. And so having that mirrored back in all these many different forms is just the most exciting thing to me.

Amena Brown:

Oh, I love it. I mean, especially remembering that moment where all of us were learning about your vision, and then getting over the last two years, Tracee, to see that vision go out to this community and to see it also belong to us, and that that is what you wanted. That is what you told me in the room. You said, "I want you to write something that I can say, but I want it to belong to us." And I thought that was so powerful. It was so powerful.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

Amena, I will take a second here as we wrap up to just say, you reached out to me recently about a piece that you were working on to share it with me, and I was so honored that you consider me as part of your creative circle, because I consider you as part of mine. And so the reciprocity there felt really buoyant for me. There was something about it that made me bounce a little bit.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

And in this pandemic, there's so many things that have been hard, and for many, much harder than others, but I think the deliberateness of how we recognize our tribes, because I think we all have many different tribes, we're in this one and this one and this one, but I just was so grateful. And you were saying that because of the pandemic, your process has changed, and so you have to be deliberate about how you connect and share and grow something. And so I want you to know how honored I was that you would share that with me and how special it was to hear something in its early form as you're in process. It really was special to me.

Amena Brown:

I love our creative juju, Tracee. There's more to come.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

Me too.

Amena Brown:

There's more to come.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

There's more to come. There's more to come always. It's just such a joy. It's such a joy. I remember the first moment I saw your smile, the first moment I heard your voice on the phone, and all of the incredible, the deep gratitude I have for what you have shared, your artistry that you have shared with Pattern and helped us to build a brand that really is ours. I'm so grateful. And I was so happy that you asked me at this really wonderful moment of an anniversary to come talk to you, for me to join you in your living room. You know what I mean? It's so good. I'm so grateful.

Amena Brown:

Tracee, thank you so much. And next time I see you, the salad. I'm going to be ready, honey.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

Oh, yeah. No, you're going to be ready, or I'm going to make you one. You know what I mean?

Amena Brown:

Thank you so much.

Tracee Ellis Ross:

Thank you, Amena.

Amena Brown:

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown episode 84

Amena Brown:

That time I met India.Arie. That time I went on a really bad date. That time I was directed by Robert Townsend. That time I got mono on Thanksgiving. That time I went on a really bad Christmas tour. That time I ...

Amena Brown:

Hey y'all. Welcome back to HER with Amena Brown. And I feel like this episode, last episode, and possibly the next two episodes all just feel like a series of me telling y'all my business. So hey, if that's what you come to this podcast for, if you come here because you wanted to know my business, then you have entered here at a good time. Because apparently, something in my spirit is bringing up episode ideas that mean I need to come in here and tell you all my business.

Amena Brown:

But truthfully, that's what the HER living room is for. Right? That's how I come to the living room with my girlfriends. I arrive at their houses of course in the Before Times, but now slowly but surely as I'm now fully vaccinated and my friends are getting fully vaccinated, we're able to get back to having our in-person living room, which is so wonderful.

Amena Brown:

And we just show up. If you dress cute, okay. If you not, okay. If you just in your sweatpants, and your dirty sneakers, and you got half a thing of hummus, and I got a third of a bell pepper, then we bring what we got to the table, to the couch. To wherever we are, we light a candle and we start talking. So that's what I hope these episodes are like for you all. So thank you for listening.

Amena Brown:

Today, we are talking about that time I went to therapy. And specifically, I'm talking today about the first time I ever went to therapy. I was talking with someone recently that has never been to therapy. And it sort of made me go back in my own journey of thinking about what it was that led me to actually go to therapy, what that experience was like. So maybe you're listening and you've never been to therapy, and you've kind of been thinking about going. And I'm hoping that things I say don't discourage you. I'm hoping the things I say encourage you to go to therapy.

Amena Brown:

So I went to therapy for the first time when I was 25 years old. And I'll tell you the interesting story of what led to me going to therapy. So if you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you have heard me tell you the story of how I got hired to work in corporate America at 25 years old. And I thought that was going to be super amazing because it was the first time that I was getting paid to be a writer. And I discovered within six months of being there, that I hated that job.

Amena Brown:

So around this time in my life, there were a lot of things swirling. I was working what felt like my first real job. It wasn't quite my first real job. I'd had some real jobs before this one, but this was what felt like my first grown-up job, where I went and bought my first suits to wear to work.

Amena Brown:

Around this time, I had also left a church for the first time. And any of you that grew up in church or they may have attended church may have had this experience, which is a terrible one. I'm not going to lie about it. I had started going to a church when I first moved to Atlanta for college, and attended that church all through college and right up into my mid twenties.

Amena Brown:

And at the early parts of that, it was what felt like a wonderful and beautiful experience. It was a church full of so many young people, and it had so much energy. We were all wanting to be a part of this movement for God type of things.

Amena Brown:

And then things over time just got more, and more, and more unhealthy with the leadership there, to the point that it caused me and a lot of other people that were going to the church to have to leave it.

Amena Brown:

And this is all happening around the same time. I think I left the church. Within a few months, I got this new job. So I'm just kind of out of my element really. I am very much a church girl. I'm sure if you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you have gotten those vibes. I grew up in church most of my life.

Amena Brown:

So at this time in my mid twenties, this is the first time that I'm just not really attending church. I just decided to take a complete break from church because prior to that, I had been very busy in church. I mean, I was almost at church to the point that that could have been another job or another part-time job that I had in addition to my regular job. So I just took a break. It was my first time since I was 12 or 13 years old that I didn't attend church, that I wasn't in leadership at church, that I didn't have church meetings to go to. So I think I'm giving you all of this to tell you what was swirling around at the time that I actually start going to therapy.

Amena Brown:

Another thing that I realized at this moment is that I really want to start dating. And I didn't really date in high school. I think I went on one date in high school, and that was not including prom. I didn't date at all in college. So by the time I got to be 24, 25, especially when I started working this job, that was my first time being around other people who were my same age and hearing their dating stories, their dating exploits, and realizing that I was not having that experience at all. And I felt very inexperienced as far as dating was concerned. Right? So I'm like, "Okay, here I am. I'm a grown woman."

Amena Brown:

I had been going to a church that was very patriarchal, right? So it was basically like as a single woman at the church at the time, if I had decided to date someone, I needed to bring this man I was dating to my college ministry leader. And he had to approve. And then I was supposed to bring this man I was dating to another leader of the church and then to the pastor. And if they all three of these men said that it was okay for me to date this man, then I could date him.

Amena Brown:

And what that robbed me of that I didn't realize at the time is it robbed me of my own ability to discern for myself. My own ability to discern is this man a safe man to be around? Is this man someone who wants to be committed to me or even wants to be in a relationship? Like before I take you through all this whatever, what do I feel about it? What do I think about it? When I go in my own spirituality and talk to God, what am I feeling is the right thing for me to do to move forward?

Amena Brown:

So giving you all of this to say I am feeling very much fish out of water in this moment. I'm working what feels like my first grown job. I'm out of my church bubble, right? And as I'm meeting people at work and other places, I'm starting to go out and have social activities with people that I don't go to church with. And I know to some of you, this just sounds completely strange.

Amena Brown:

But I want to express to you how much of a bubble church had been for me, that church was not just the place where I was practicing my religion or being encouraged in my faith. It was also pretty much the center of my social life. Right? So at the moment that I'm leaving this church environment, I'm not just having to walk away from a place that I thought was going to be good for my faith. I'm also walking away from my social life as well. So I am just out with people I work with, out with friends I've met online, at happy hours, when I was coming from a church where we weren't even allowed to drink. Right?

Amena Brown:

So I'm starting to meet some guys and just almost feeling very stunted inside myself. Feeling like my age is 25, but my reaction to dating men is as if I'm 14 dating a boy for the first time. And I was trying. I was trying. I was going on different dates. Sometimes they were going well, most times they weren't. I was very uncomfortable, even with the thought of sitting across the table at coffee or at dinner with a man that I found attractive.

Amena Brown:

And to give you some context, I had also been raised as a child in church environments that basically sort of gave you two extremes. That you either were in my case, having a guy that was more like a brother to you, or you were getting married. It was sort of like there was no middle ground. There was no conversation about how you casually date someone. It was basically like you do these two things. And if you don't do it this way, it's dangerous, or it's sinful, or all of those types of thoughts. So I really had no middle ground, no nuance as it related to dating, but I wanted to date. And I wanted to be in a good and healthy relationship with a man. I really did.

Amena Brown:

So I would go out on dates and have crushes. And the job where I was working, there were three other women that were hired in that same position in the company. So we all four of us kind of became two peas in a pod. We felt like we were like the United Colors of Benetton. There was one other Black woman, there was a Korean woman, and then there was a white woman. There was four of us. We would hang out. None of us were married, but each of us at different stages between some of us having been in very committed dating relationships for a long time and some of us still out there casually dating.

Amena Brown:

And there was one coworker in particular of the four of us, the other Black woman. She and I, our cubicles were closest to each other. And I can't remember exactly the circumstances y'all, but I remember I'd met a guy, and we were just starting to talk on the phone. And it was just making me very nervous talking to him. And I was coming in her cube a lot to talk to her about it, and processing, and processing, and processing, and over-processing, and couldn't figure out what to do about this, what to do about that. And this is not the first dating situation she's heard me kind of try to process.

Amena Brown:

And I just remember one afternoon she looked at me and she said, "You know what? I don't really think I can help you figure this out. I think what you need is to go to therapy." And I remember sitting in her cubicle sitting across from her. I remember my face just feeling hot because I felt embarrassed. Because I couldn't tell what it was I'd said to her that made her feel like I needed to go to therapy. And I was somewhere between feeling embarrassed and insulted, and really thankful and helped.

Amena Brown:

I talked to her a little bit longer. And then I went right to my cubicle and started Googling options of therapists to find. And I looked up a couple of them.I think after work. I called a couple of the ones that I'd picked out. I remember I talked to a man, I talked to a woman. And the woman, she was an older white woman. And I don't know, I just felt the most comfortable with her. So I made my first therapy appointment with her after we talked on the phone for maybe 10 or 15 minutes. She had a very soothing voice. And I don't know, it just felt safe and right to me.

Amena Brown:

So I made an appointment with her. And one of the things that she asked for before my first appointment is she asked me to write her a letter. And in the letter, she wanted me to write what were the areas of my life where I hoped to grow during therapy.

Amena Brown:

And I remember getting home. I was in my apartment, my first apartment all by myself. Didn't have any roommates, or housemates, or anything. So I was really proud of that little apartment. I was proud of my little faux granite countertops in there. And I remember being in that apartment. And I think y'all, I think I actually, I'm trying to remember did I hand write that letter? I think I may have handwritten that letter. And I remember handwriting it and crying while I was handwriting it. Because just sitting down to think about what are areas I hope to experience healing in. What are areas that have been painful to me that I really haven't had time or the tools to process? And it just all started coming out at once. Everything about the church, about God, about my parents' divorce, about things that I was processing from my family of origin. I just wrote, and wrote, and wrote, and wrote. And then I think, this is so old school now y'all. I could have typed it up, but for some reason, I think I hand wrote it. I actually think I hand wrote it and she either asked me to send a copy to her, or I scanned it and sent the copy to her that way. Now I'm just like, "Why wouldn't you just email this?"

Amena Brown:

But anyways, I sent all that to her. And I can't even remember actually all of what we talked about in that first session. But I remember being nervous about it because it is a very weird feeling to just start talking about such intimate things with a stranger. But I made this commitment to myself to come and see her every other week. That was the schedule. And honestly, I was at what I now know was such a pivotal time in my development, because there was so much of my life that had been built around church, and around what church had told me, that I had to be as a woman, as a young woman, as a Black woman, there were a lot of layers to that. And she was helping me work through a lot of that very early on.

Amena Brown:

And when I think back on it, the idea that you would have a friend that would look at you and say, "I think you need to go to therapy." It's like depending on where you are, your first instinct could be to be defensive. To be like, "Why? Why would you say that about me? What's wrong with me?" I mean, any of you that are fans of Insecure ... and if you're not, I hope you watch it. But there is a scene between two characters, between Issa and Molly in one of the seasons where Issa is trying to convince Molly that she needs to go to therapy, and Molly doesn't take it very well at first. And when I watched that scene, I totally felt her on that. And the coworker that had this moment with me, we've lost touch outside of seeing her on Facebook every now and then. But I am so thankful that she had the courage to say that to me, because it really did change my life for the better. Because I don't know if I ever would have pushed myself to do it. But when she said it, even though I felt embarrassed, I also felt like she wasn't telling a lie. I felt like it was true.

Amena Brown:

So you may have a friend in your life that you are close to. You're watching them go through some hard things. You're watching them struggle. You're watching them maybe have some unhealthy patterns. And it can be the most loving thing to suggest to someone therapy. And it can be the most loving thing you can do for yourself to submit to the process of therapy. But it can also be hard. I think you have to prepare yourself if you are talking to a friend or a family member and you suggest to them therapy. Not everyone is going to respond with, "Thank you so much. I have always longed for someone to tell me that I have problems enough that I need to see a professional." But that's the thing, right? I think sometimes, we have this stigma about therapy like, "Well I'm 'normal,' or I'm fine. Therapy is for those people that are going through this, or those people that have this diagnosis or whatever."

Amena Brown:

And therapy is for those people, but therapy is for you too even when you may feel like your life is going pretty well overall. You may feel almost guilty like, "Why should I go to therapy and complain about my life?" Or whatever. But therapy is not about that I learned. It's really about giving yourself the space and time to heal. And sometimes honestly, we go through things or we experience things in our upbringing or in different times of our life. And they are very hard things. They're very traumatic things, but they become normal to us.

Amena Brown:

So we don't think about it like, "I may be able to go to therapy based on my relationship with this person." Or, "Maybe I should go to therapy and process this thing that happened when I was a kid," because that was just your family growing up, or that was just what happened. You don't always see yourself in the same way that someone else can see you from the outside looking in.

Amena Brown:

So it was totally a very humbling and somewhat embarrassing moment that led me to therapy. But, I'm glad that I went ahead and took that initiative and looked into it for myself.

Amena Brown:

How did I grow from therapy? I think one of the things, actually, my first therapist, I saw her every other week for a year and a half. So she walked me through a lot of life. I mean, we were obviously having to deal with a lot of things from the past because it was my first therapy session at 25 years old. And then once we had talked about a lot of sort of these pent-up things that I really hadn't had a healthy way to process before with a professional, then I was able to kind of let her in on things that were going on in my life. Men I was dating or decisions I was trying to make about my career and different things like that.

Amena Brown:

And I think one of the things that therapy helped me to do was therapy helped me to find my voice. I am a classic oldest kid. I am very much a person that can lean towards people pleasing. And going to therapy helped me to really separate myself and my desires from the expectations and feelings of other people. And that was really, really hard. I remember a lot of our sessions were about me saying to my therapist, "Well, here's the conversation I had. Or here's what they said. And I don't want to make them feel angry. I don't want to make them feel hurt. I don't want to make them feel like I don't care. So even though I don't want to do this, or even though this isn't the best thing for me, I'm going to do that because I don't want this person to feel like that."

Amena Brown:

And I remember the first time my therapist said, "But you realize that you don't make anyone feel anything, right?" She was like, "You realize that people feel their feelings and make their own choices. That you deciding to do something that's healthy for you, it's not you making someone angry, because you doing what's healthy for you doesn't meet their expectation." She was like, "It's them choosing to be angry that you holding up your healthy boundary means you're not doing what they expected of you, or what they selfishly wanted from you."

Amena Brown:

And I will tell y'all that sometimes, I've now had quite a few therapists over the years. And I'll tell you that sometimes, my initial gut response to the things my therapist says in session is super skeptical. That I basically end up being like, "Yeah girl, I hear what you're saying. But I'm not sure if you actually went to the proper school for this. I feel like maybe they didn't give you the education that you needed, because I thought you were supposed to come in here and just tell me what I want to hear, not challenge me to grow and stuff. I'm not sure that's what I signed up for here."

Amena Brown:

So I have definitely been the person that enters a therapy session, a therapist starts kicking the truth to me. And then I'll be like, "Okay girl. Well, I don't think you really understand what it's like to be me." And then by the end of the session, I'm like, "You were right, the first thing that you said. Because my feelings, they are hurt." That's totally me. Starts off super, super skeptical, super like, "you don't know." And then 30 minutes later when she's trying to tell me it's about time for us to end the session, crying my eyes out because the first thing she said was actually true.

Amena Brown:

So I feel like therapy helped me in that way, even though it's challenging, right? To hear someone saying those things to you. Therapy helped me to learn how to say no. Saying no, it still can be hard for me sometimes. But back then, it was very, very hard for me to say no. Especially if there were people that I really loved and cared about. I would rather say no to myself and say yes to them. And it's therapy that helped me begin the rhythm of learning that sometimes I need to say yes to myself. And that saying yes to myself, even if it means no to other people, is one of the healthiest things I can do.

Amena Brown:

And I was not coming into therapy with that kind of rhythm. I basically felt like I needed, especially if people are important to me or I value their thoughts or opinions, I need to really do what they say. They probably know better than me.

Amena Brown:

And I'm not saying you shouldn't have people in your life that are wise, can advise you, can give you feedback on things. But I think going to therapy is what really taught me to make sure that in the process of me gaining wisdom and advice from other people, that I'm not silencing the wisdom that's inside of me. That no one else knows me better than I know myself. And of course in my spirituality, it's like only person know me better than myself is God. There's no human being that's going to know me better than I know myself. And if I honor my own voice and my own feelings and desires, that's me being loving towards myself. That's me being kind and gentle to myself.

Amena Brown:

I'll also say one of the things that therapy helped me with is giving me the tools on what it means to have to have hard conversations. And I think because I was growing up in a home without my dad, I was growing up coming from divorced parents. I think that brought up a lot of fears of doing something that would make the people that love me leave me. I think that was a thought under there, but I didn't realize that until I was sitting there in therapy.

Amena Brown:

So I would avoid conflict. Because I would feel like if we have conflict, then the result of us having conflict will be you're going to leave. And therapy taught me it's okay to have those kinds of hard conversations with people you love. And the people who love you, the people who really want the best for you, they're going to dig in on those hard conversations with you. Because they don't want to leave. They want you to be well. They want you to have what you need and want. And they want to have what they need and want in the relationship, or friendship, or family relationship, whatever it is. Or even work relationships too.

Amena Brown:

I think therapy helped me to realize I can speak up for myself. I can assert myself. If something happens and I don't like it or if I'm in a relationship or a situation and someone is treating me in a way that I don't like, that I am empowered to say, "I don't like it. I don't want this. This doesn't feel good to me. Here's what I'd rather do instead." And it took me being in therapy to get to the point where I could do those things and not feel bad about it or not feel like I was being demanding.

Amena Brown:

I think that was my thing. It was almost like asserting my own boundaries, just healthy boundaries felt like being demanding to me. When in actuality, it wasn't being demanding at all. It was just asking for what I deserve as another human being. You know?

Amena Brown:

Since this time after I had that initial therapy session, I have gone on to have other therapists since. And I just kind of ebb and flow out of that. I go through some seasons where I'm in therapy on a much more consistent basis. I go through some seasons where I would go to therapy once a month. I go through some seasons where I didn't go to therapy at all. I've done in-person therapy, I've done online therapy. So I've had a lot of different experiences. I have had some funny ones though. And sometimes when funny things happen to me, it's like I can't tell if those things happen to me because I have that ignorant part of my brain that people who are comedians or who perform on stage have or what. But I did participate in online therapy for a while. And those of you that have been listening to this podcast know that I actually returned back to therapy into 2017, beginning of 2018. I actually talk a little bit about it in the previous episode of my 40AF story. But I also talked about this at length in my Behind the Poetry episode on Here Breathing.

Amena Brown:

And at this time, I want to talk a little bit too about therapy being expensive. I've definitely had some seasons of life where I really wanted to be in therapy, felt like I needed it. But I just couldn't afford it. And in that way, it is important to acknowledge that therapy, I will say it shouldn't be a luxury. Because we need therapists in our life the same way we need access to healthcare and being able to make sure our bodies are cared for. We need that for our mental state, our mental health as well.

Amena Brown:

But I'd gone through seasons like that where I really needed a therapist, but I couldn't afford to have one. When I first started therapy, I was working in corporate America. I was living alone. I was really making more money than I needed to live at that time. So going to therapy every other week or if I wanted to go every week, I could afford to do it at that time. And then when I quit working corporate and started doing writing and performing full time, there would be seasons I could, and then there would be seasons I couldn't afford therapy. And that's also a hard thing too. That's the thing that I hope changes. And we're seeing some ways that there are organizations and different ways that we're trying to make therapy truly accessible to all, because we can all look at our own lives and think of things that we need to talk about it. We need a professional to help us process through this.

Amena Brown:

And we all know other people that we wish they had therapy that was accessible to them to help them heal through some of their own things. But one of my funniest therapy experiences, I was doing online therapy, one of these services where you sign up. And you're able to either do phone calls or video calls with your therapist. But you can also write to them or text to them. Right?

Amena Brown:

So I had signed up for one of these, and it was a little different than the way they are now. Back then, the price point was actually saving me money. I could afford it more easily than I could have afforded just the therapy sessions one-on-one.

Amena Brown:

So I'd signed up for this. And at this point and ever since, I've been very determined that my therapist should be a Black woman, especially after having worked in all white spaces or predominantly white spaces, I've realized I need a therapist that I can talk to about how white supremacy affects me, talk to about how I'm processing being a Black woman. Having my hair, being in my body and my skin in the world. And there's just been something very healing to me to be talking about that with another Black woman who understands a lot in her own way of what it's like to walk in the world this way.

Amena Brown:

So I had my first assigned therapist that was assigned to me through this online service. And she really helped me actually. If you listen to the last episode, I was telling this story about grief. And she was really one of the first people to alert me that a lot of what I was experiencing when my mental health was not in a good place was because I had a lot of unprocessed grief. And she was the first therapist to really name that for me and help me to start thinking through that.

Amena Brown:

But the downside to her is whenever we had our sessions, she was always busy doing a little bit of something else. Like one of our sessions, someone rang the doorbell to give her a package. But I'm hearing the whole thing. So apparently of course, she's doing her sessions from home. So I'm hearing her, "Who is that at the door? Who is that? I was not expecting anybody." While I'm spilling my guts here. So I'm listening to her open the door, talk to the delivery person, sign whatever.

Amena Brown:

So I was like, "Okay, she's at home. She can't control if the package got delivered. I'm going to try to move on and try another session." So the next session that I tried y'all, I'm going to try to demonstrate for y'all what it sounded like. So I'm spilling my guts about whatever. And in the background, I want y'all to know that I hear something that sounds like this. [humming music]. I hear that in the background y'all while I'm trying to share my feelings. Okay?

Amena Brown:

So after a while, I kind of get quiet just because I don't know what's going on. And she finally says, "I'm sorry. I'm babysitting my grandson, and he normally doesn't keep this type of noise." And at that moment I was like okay, this lady seems very sweet. But she could not be my therapist. You cannot be babysitting your grandson while having therapy with me while I'm trying to tell you about all my woes and whatever's going on with me. Girl, I can't. I can't deal with this. No. So I did have some very comical times of experiencing various therapists for sure.

Amena Brown:

But one thing that I also will say that therapy has taught me over the years is it's wonderful to have just a great support system overall. You need that too. And I have to say I'm just very thankful, very blessed to have a wonderful and supportive spouse. I have a wonderful, supportive family. I have great friends in my life. My community is wonderful.

Amena Brown:

And there are times that you're going to go through something, experience something, have something resurface, that your friends, or your family, or your spouse may not have the capacity to really help you in the way that you need help. And that's what my coworker was trying to tell me. I think she was trying to say, "Girl, I can process this with you in the cubicle. We can talk it over girl, but you're reaching beyond what I have the expertise to help you with." And even though it can feel strange going to this stranger to talk to them about these really deep and personal things, it's also nice to talk to someone that doesn't have any skin in the game, right? If you're going there to talk about some stuff you're going through, you might have people in your life that love you, but they have strong opinions about what they think you ought to do about this. Or they have strong opinions about why they think you ended up in this situation.

Amena Brown:

And when you go into your therapist, especially if your therapist is healthy, and professional, and doing the things that they should do, you're going to somebody who has no skin in the game if you buy the house or not. They have no skin in the game if you break up with that person or not. They have no skin in the game if you have kids, if you don't have kids, if you get married, if you don't get married. They don't have skin in the game on that. They are there to be a sounding board for you to help you continue on in your healing process. And I learned that from being in therapy too.

Amena Brown:

What would be my tips for anyone going to therapy for the first time? So if you're listening. And maybe you've been on the fence, maybe you've talked to some other folks about their experiences going to therapy, but you've never been yourself. What would be my tips for going to therapy for the first time?

Amena Brown:

I think one of the most daunting things about going to therapy for the first time or even if you've been to therapy before and you're no longer seeing your previous therapist and you need a new therapist. I think one of the most daunting things is finding a therapist that works for you. And it can just feel like you have 1,000 options. Where do you begin? Where do you start? How do you you know? Do you just sign up and just go pay somebody? And what if you don't like them? Or what if you feel like they're not the best fit for you or whatever? So my first tip that I would say is first of all, make a commitment to yourself to find a therapist. And give yourself some patience that it may take you some time to find someone.

Amena Brown:

I remember when I was looking for a gynecologist. I know we're not talking about that on this episode, but I'm just using this as an example. I realized a couple of years ago, I really need to have ... I know some of y'all like this is basic, but I'm explaining to you how we can have these types of appointments or things that we need, and we just kind of keep pushing it back, and eventually just have to decide, "Okay, this is what I need to do now."

Amena Brown:

So I remember when I was like okay, I've been to a family practitioner doctor. I've had some surgeries, I've done this, I've done that. Certain other parts of the body have been looked at. But hey, I need a gynecologist. And there's a lot of factors of what I want to find in a gynecologist. So I just had to make it my part-time job for a week or two that I would spend a certain amount of time just looking through our insurance website to see who was in network, and then go into their websites and cross-reference with Yelp. I know, it's a lot. But this is what I do so I can be sure about it. Okay?

Amena Brown:

So when it comes to finding a therapist, I think it's okay that it may take you time to find someone that you're a good fit with. And thankfully, there are a lot more resources out there. There are lots and lots of resources. But I'm just going to name some that I know of, and that have been helpful to me. And maybe these will even give you ideas of other things that you may be able to search and find. And don't worry about remembering all of this. These links will be in the show notes on amenabrown.com/herwithamena so that you can check out all these links.

Amena Brown:

One of the places I found one of my first therapists was on the Psychology Today website. And they do have this database there where therapists and counselors can register to be listed there. You can search by their specialty. So you may be looking for a family counselor. You may be looking for a therapist for a teenager in your life. You may be looking for someone that specializes in trauma-informed therapy. You may be looking for someone that specializes in divorce, right? Or specializes in working with folks who are in the LGBTQ+ community, right? There are all sorts of different things you can search there, according to what your comfort level is, according to what you know you're looking for. So Psychology Today can be a really great resource for that.

Amena Brown:

I want to give a big, big shout out to Therapy for Black Girls. This is actually where I found my current therapist is on Therapy for Black Girls. So they do have a database. Black women if you're listening and you're looking for therapists that are really specialized in being able to give this type of care to Black women, that has been a very helpful site for me. And honestly, just scrolling through there and seeing the beautiful faces of other Black women, just even that by itself was so wonderful.

Amena Brown:

And I would also check out Therapy for Latinx. You can check out their website as well as their Instagram. They can be a great beginning place to find folks who are going to be really educated and thoughtful about giving this type of care to the Latinx community as well.

Amena Brown:

And these are just a couple of things I'm listing. I know that there are probably even more resources out there. But these are good places to start and give you some ideas of other things you can Google, right? You may find some other places that would give you information like this.

Amena Brown:

Also want to give a shout out to Open Path Collective. A friend of mine also hipped me to this. Because as I was saying earlier therapy can be cost prohibitive for some folks, I'm shouting out Open Path Collective because they do also have a database of therapists on their site who have agreed to take on a certain number of clients at a discounted rate. You may also have local places where you live that are taking clients, but are taking them at a sliding scale based on income.

Amena Brown:

So we have a lot more work to do to make therapy accessible, but there are some ways that you can get the help that you need. Even if you're at a place where money is not really a thing that you have to give to this. So it may require a little bit of searching. And if you find that you're in a space inside yourself where even the Googling, the looking is difficult for you, this could be something where if you have a close friend or family member that would be willing to sit with you maybe while you're searching, or they might be able to pull up their phone too and look for some things. It's okay to ask for help when you need it. And it's okay to ask for the kind of support that you need as well.

Amena Brown:

The other tip that I would give if it's your first time going into therapy is I would say that it's okay to do some therapists interviews. I know the first times I went to different websites of therapists and I would just get really nervous. What if I click on this and I pay this money for this session, and then I don't really gel with the therapist?

Amena Brown:

So one of the things that I did the last couple of times I was looking for a therapist is once I found them, I would go to their website. And a lot of therapists already have these types of requests on their site where you can request just an informational interview. It's not a therapy session. It's not a mini therapy session or anything like that. They're not giving you any sort of counselor therapy in this interview call that you have. It's typically free of charge. And it gives you an opportunity to ask them some questions, and gives them an opportunity to get to know you a little bit, to get to know what is bringing you to want therapy.

Amena Brown:

So that's been really helpful for me. Because normally if I walk away from that conversation feeling like, "I don't know," then that normally means that person's probably not the best fit for me. But even if you go to a therapist website and they don't have any free conversations or consultations that are normally pretty short, 15 or 30 minutes, you can also write in and request and say, "I'm in the process of looking for a therapist. I would like to schedule an informational interview with you."

Amena Brown:

And in that interview, what would typically happen is you would bring your questions that you have. Questions like maybe you want to know how they typically begin their work with new clients. Maybe you want to know what you can expect from a session. Maybe you want to know if there is certain prep that you should do before a session. Maybe you want to know what their education is, or what their background is, what they specialize in, the types of patients or types of clients that they typically see. Depending on what your needs are, you may want to know are they in the type of field where they can prescribe medication to you if you need that or not? Those are important things to differentiate as well. If you are in need of a psychologist or if you are in need of a psychiatrist, right?

Amena Brown:

So it's just about you knowing what your needs are, but there are a lot of professionals that are interested in you feeling comfortable and getting a chance to get your own questions answered rather. And also, they can get some answers from you. Get to know a little bit about you, get to know a little bit about what your expectations are, what your needs and wants might be at the moment.

Amena Brown:

So don't be afraid to do that. That's sort of a no-cost way for you to kind of get a vibe for who you might like to actually have as your therapist. And that has brought me a lot of peace of mind and helped me to decide between a couple of therapists.

Amena Brown:

Lastly, what encouragement would I want to give you regarding therapy, especially if this is your first time? Or it could be your first time in a long time. And I think therapy can be scary. I think it's scary because we are thinking about how it's going to feel to sort of drudge up some of the things that therapy may bring up. It can be scary because of the unknown factor. Here we are talking to this person that we're just now meeting about stuff that we wouldn't even talk to a lot of people that we know about.

Amena Brown:

It can be scary. And I think there is a lot of unknown in the healing process. But my biggest encouragement to you is therapy, it's one of the best things that you can do to pour back into yourself. And I want to specifically speak to those of you that are listening right now that are the people that give out to everyone else. You're the person that other people come to for advice. You're the one that drops everything to go help out this or that family member.

Amena Brown:

And when you commit to that hour or so of that therapy session, it's one way that you're communicating to yourself that I am worth giving this time to myself. I'm worth allowing myself to heal, and to process things, even if they're painful. And it can be hard to face our pain. There's nothing easy about that. There's nothing fun about that. But if facing your pain and facing the hard things that have happened to you or the hard things that you may have done in your life, whatever is that you have to face. It can be hard to face it. But on the other side of facing it, and beginning to process it, and getting the tools for how to walk through your life, you'll find that you are a healthier person on the other side of it. You'll find that your heart is more open to love and to be loved. And that love starts with you. It starts with how you love yourself. You giving that kindness to yourself. You giving the same energy that you may give to other people. You returning that energy to yourself also.

Amena Brown:

So will it be scary? Could it be hard at times going through the healing process? Absolutely. But is it worth it? It is absolutely worth it. And the tough thing, but also the important thing I think to remember is none of us as human beings are ever going to be fully done with issues to deal with. That's just a part of our humanity. We're always going to have something that we're healing from, you know?

Amena Brown:

So therapy and whatever other things you have in your life that can help you in healthy ways to process your life, to process the pain, but also to process the joy, and process the good things that happens too. I think it's important to have that space. It's good. And it can be really helpful to remember that. So that way, you're not putting pressure on yourself like you've got to complete this plan that's going to be 33 steps. And at the end of the 33 steps, you'll be done with this. There'll be some things in life you may never be done with it. But you'll find yourself incrementally growing, becoming more whole, experiencing more peace, sleeping better at night and so on. So even though there's been a lot of shame and stigma to therapy, there's been some shame and stigma attached to medication, and certain diagnoses, and all those things. I want to be a part of us removing that shame, and that you should do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. Whether it's therapy, or medication, or exploring different types of therapy. You have a lot of options. But if you're hearing me, then you're on the fence about this. I hope you feel encouraged to do what you can to take care of yourself, because we want you here. And we want you here healthy, and whole, and being kind and loving to yourself.

Amena Brown:

That's that time I went to therapy. And y'all, I'm still going. I'm still going to be going. I'm not going to be done with therapy the rest of my life. I will still be going. And if that's something you need in your life right now, I hope you will too.

Amena Brown:

For this week's edition of give her a crown, I want to shout out Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barnes. Dr. Chanequa is a clinical psychologist, public theologian, and ecumenical minister whose work focuses upon healing the legacies of racial and gender oppression. She's the author of I Bring the Voices of My People: A Womanist Vision for Racial Reconciliation and Too Heavy a Yoke: Black Women and the Burden of Strength. You should read both of these books, because they are necessary. But I want to talk a little bit about Too Heavy a Yoke.

Amena Brown:

I've talked here on this podcast about just some of the health challenges I have having been someone that was diagnosed with fibroids around 10 years ago. And I spoke in last episode, my 40AF story telling you all a little bit about what that moment of my life was like having to have a very invasive and complicated fibroid removal surgery. And I had a long recovery. And during that recovery, I read three books. I read Edna Lewis's cookbook/memoir The Taste of Country Cooking. I read Sisters Of The Yam by bell hooks, and I read Dr. Chanequa's book Too Heavy a Yoke.

Amena Brown:

And I just have a lot of feelings about Too Heavy a Yoke, because it really started a journey with me of understanding that it's not that it's bad for me to be strong as a Black woman. It's that as a Black woman, I will enter so many spaces that people expect me to be 'strong' through things and take certain things that I don't need to take. And that it's okay for me to be also weak sometimes. It's okay for me to not have the answers. It's okay for me to make sure that I'm not doing other people's work for them. Whether that's their emotional work, their vocational work, their work as it relates to racism and white supremacy.

Amena Brown:

Too Heavy a Yoke really got me to a place of really reevaluating my life. And after reading that book, I made a lot of different choices. I said no to a lot of people and a lot of things in an effort to remind myself that being a Black woman doesn't mean I need to be some sort of superhero. It means I need to be human, and beautiful, and flawed, and that I want to be healthy. And that I want to be here living as long as I can be, but it will be detrimental to my health if I feel like I have to be strong for everybody.

Amena Brown:

So if you're a Black woman listening, this is a book you need in your library, Too Heavy a Yoke. And if you are working with Black women, you are serving or walking alongside Black women in any capacity, I really, really recommend this book because it is very wonderful and very important.

Amena Brown:

I want to thank you, Dr. Chanequa for caping for Black women the way you do. For reminding us that we can be healthy and whole, that we deserve healing, rest, love, and restoration. Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barnes. Give her a crown.

Amena Brown:

That time I met India.Arie. That time I went on a really bad date. That time I was directed by Robert Townsend. That time I got mono on Thanksgiving. That time I went on a really bad Christmas tour. That time I ...

Amena Brown:

HER With Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown episode 83

Amena Brown:

Hey, you all. This is the week of my birthday. So probably as you're listening to this, I am somewhere celebrating. Because that's what I do. I have only had one year in my adult life so far that I can think of that I worked on my birthday. And if you have not listened to my episode here called That Time I Quit My Job, you should go back and listen to that. Because I think in that episode, I share a bit of the story of why I was working on my birthday. But normally, I treat my birthday as a holiday. Outside of that year, I take the day off. I don't like to work on that day. I actually was supposed to work on my birthday last year. And then of course, ended up not working because the event got rescheduled and I was home.

Amena Brown:

So this episode is my #40AF episode. And if you've been listening to the podcast, you have probably listened to my interview with Kristy Gomez, where she told me the story of what her experience was like as she turned 40 and what her 40s have been like. And as I was turning 40, I longed for stories like this to hear from women, to hear from Black women, and Women of Color in particular. And so I thought it would be fitting the week of my birthday to share what my 40AF story is since I turned 40 last year during the pandemic. So, normally when I do these episodes, I am wanting to organize this around a few questions.

Amena Brown:

I want to talk about what my 30s were like, I want to talk about what did I think my life would be like when I turned 40, what my life was actually like when I turned 40, what has been the theme of my 40 so far, and if I could give advice to a woman about to turn 40, what I would tell her. So these are the questions that Kristy and I talked about, and I wanted to answer them as well. And you will hear more episodes here of me interviewing other Women of Color about their 40AF stories. And if you have a 40AF story you want to tell me, I would love for you to comment on socials.

Amena Brown:

I want to thank each of you for your comments. I see you commenting on social media, I see you sharing the episodes in your Instagram stories and on Twitter, just know that it means the world to me. Because I'm talking to all of you, but I don't get to see all of you and interact with all of you, at least not yet. Eventually, we will be having HER with Amena Brown live events when it's safe to do so. And we can all get together. In person, I'll get a chance to see you. But in the meantime, getting to see you talking about this in your Story. Some of you have been DMing me, seeing your comments, just know it means the world to me. I try as best I can to respond to all of you. Sometimes I'm not able to. But know if you didn't hear from me, please charge it to my head or me being in the bed laying down somewhere. Not that I am not appreciative. So thank you so, so much for that. So I'd love to hear your 40AF stories, too.

Amena Brown:

What were my 30s like? I got married when I was 31. And if I would really start the story at the beginning of my 30s, and I wrote about some of this in both of my books, actually. But I can probably give you a more raw version of that. You're on the podcast. So when I was turning 30, I turned 30 in New York City with my best friend Adrienne. And we both thought that we were never going to get married. Like dating had just not been going super great for either of us. And we were just like, this is it. We're going to be nuns, but we're going to be cool nuns. We're going to be like the cool aunt with all the memorabilia from the places we've traveled. That was sort of the vibe of me coming into my 30s. Unbeknownst to me, I actually already knew the man that I was going to marry. And so I got engaged on my 31st birthday and then we got married three and a half months later.

Amena Brown:

So I think the initial part of my early 30s was just adjusting to married life. At the time that my husband and I got married, I was still performing on the road in mostly white Christian environments. And my husband was a youth pastor at a church a little bit south of Atlanta. So I think we spent those first few years of marriage just trying to get adjusted to what both of our jobs would require from us. We started pretty quickly traveling together and performing together. And so I definitely think part of my 30s was adjusting to that in the early parts. And then us finding a wonderful rhythm together of how we could do this thing on stage together. We were recording albums together. I know I'm very terrible at telling you all I have albums. But if you've ever heard any of my poetry albums, all of the music that you hear there is my husband's creation.

Amena Brown:

So we had a really great opportunity in my 30s for us to get a chance to create a lot together, which was wonderful. I think I spent a lot of my 30s working, to be honest. I feel like I had a lot of like hectic hustle kind of schedule. And in a lot of ways, because 95% of my work was event based and was travel based. So it wasn't just event based, I was very rarely doing events in my home city of Atlanta, it was almost always travel. And the thing about travel that I've actually really been reflecting on a lot since the pandemic, because for the most part, I haven't been traveling for work during the pandemic, I think there were a couple of times we had to do like some shoots and different things like that. That we had to like go somewhere in driving distance, shoot for the day, come home, masks and all the everything, sanitizer, Lysol, everything. But other than that, I haven't been traveling at all and haven't taken a flight since March of 2020.

Amena Brown:

So I feel like my 30s was mostly very hectic, very on other people's schedules all the time. Just traveling to this city, to that city. I remember Easter weekend was always a very busy weekend because of the market that I was in at the time. So sometimes I would get booked to perform poetry at like a Good Friday service at a church on one side of the country, do that service, go to bed and then get up either in the middle of the night or super early the next morning, take like the super early flight, or take a red eye where I flew overnight to get into the other city to do sound checks, rehearsals with another church and then perform at what felt like a thousand services on Easter. I mean, it was typically somewhere between five and seven services but it was like a lot of services. And so that was my life.

Amena Brown:

I was excited in my 30s to be at a point where I could do this full time, and I was making pretty good money at the time doing that. I think the other thing about it, though, is my schedule really didn't have like any sort of middle ground. It was very all or nothing kind of experience. So I was either so busy and had so many dates that came in that I was just like, I don't even know how we going to make it to the end of whatever this run is. And then there would be these seasons that would come in the middle of the year where nothing had come in. We would sometimes have a whole three months in the summer where we had no gigs. And so we would go from feeling like super tired, super busy doing all the things to sort of having this lurch of nothing coming in financially and also not as much to do. And that would totally freak us out, especially the first couple of years that we were married.

Amena Brown:

And then after a while we tried to sort of take advantage of that time when it came because inevitably it always did. Sometimes in the summer, sometimes around the holidays, sometimes at the beginning of the year. You never knew when it was going to come but you knew you were going to have some months where you weren't traveling. And so the goal of all of that hustling, hopefully, was that you were sort of stacking the money so that when the slow times came, you could afford to just chill out or go on a vacation or be with your family or see your friends or work on other creative projects that you wanted to finish. So that feast or famine part I remember being very challenging for me in my 30s.

Amena Brown:

I will say I experienced a landmark event in 2017 that sort of shifted me into my late 30s and changed a lot of what was going to become my 40s too. So this is something that I've talked about kind of vaguely in some other things. I've written about this vaguely a little bit in a book before and talked about a little bit here. But for this episode, I wanted to share a little bit more about that in case there any of you that may be dealing with this too. But in my early 30s I found out that I had fibroids. And if you're not familiar with fibroids, fibroids are benign tumors that can occur in the uterus. And I found out I had them in my early 30s. I didn't really know anything about that.

Amena Brown:

I had sort of a very quick conversation with my gynecologist at the time because I was just finding out about that right before I got married. And so she was like, well, you should go on your honeymoon, enjoy your honeymoon, but when you come back, we need to talk about it. And so I ended up having to have surgery to remove my fibroids in 2017. And by that time, my fibroids had gotten so large. Like when I look at pictures of myself from this era of time, and if any of you saw me at events around that sort of 2015, 2016, 2017 timeframe, I had to dress to basically hide how large my fibroids were. So the surgery was very intense. It is very intense, very invasive procedure, very hard on the body.

Amena Brown:

I'm also as much as I can be into sort of holistic and more natural ways to heal the body. And so I had also done those things. And those things have been helpful to a point, but I still arrived at this point of needing to have surgery for the sake of my health. And that moment right there, like getting home from the hospital, having complications, having to go back into the hospital, and then having probably what was supposed to be six to eight weeks of recovery, but ended up really being 8 to 10 weeks of recovery. And when I say 8 to 10 weeks of recovery, I mean, like you can't drive during that time, you can't exercise, you can't lift anything above a very small number of pounds. So I had a lot of time to think about my life and process.

Amena Brown:

How did I get here? How did this happen? What are the changes I need to make in my life to try to not end up here again. And one of the things I discovered is I was actually living a very stressful life. Actually, I remember my mother-in-law sitting me down when we were all together as a family. But she sat me down just she and I and she looked at me and she said, "I'm really worried about you. You seem like you are a very, very stressed." And at the time, that she said it to me, this was before I had surgery, I was really frustrated about the conversation because I was thinking to myself, like, yeah, I am an entrepreneur. I'm a performing artist. My husband and I own this business together. Like yeah, like I live a stressful life. There's nothing about this, that is an easy thing in any way.

Amena Brown:

But after I had the surgery and had time to really reflect on the question that she was asking me, I thought to myself on a scale of 1 to 10, prior to having surgery, how stressed would I have said I was? And I thought to myself, I think I would have said I was somewhere between an eight and a nine. And the body is not really made for you to live at that level of stress for the long term. The body is made for us to survive stresses that are going to come to us in life. We're not going to have a life that completely has no stress. We'll have stress sometimes. But the body isn't really made to survive that level of stress for a long period.

Amena Brown:

And then what happens over time, if you live a high stress life like that, like if you're listening to me right now, and your stress level is somewhere between an 8 and 10 all the time, what happens is it becomes normal to you, and then it actually registers to you like it's a four. But it's really a 9 or a 10 for some of us. And so I realized in that recovery time that when my mother-in-law had asked me that question, I was actually a lot more stressed out than I even knew I was because it was so normal to me. So I spent that recovery time. This was the year that I turned 37. So I spent that recovery time thinking to myself, what are the things in my life that are causing me stress? And the main thing that came up was work. It was the work I was doing, there was something in there that was causing me stress.

Amena Brown:

So one of the changes that I had to make is I had to start saying no to things that were not necessary. So there were some volunteer things that I was doing at that time, and I just had to say no to those things. I had to go back to some people and say, hey, I know I made this commitment to you and said that I could do this or that. But I can't do it now because this is what I have to do for my health. Which is very humbling for me because I'm very much a doer. I'm very much a person who would almost like drag herself to keep her word, which is in part a good quality to have, but you want to also be able to keep your word to yourself. And your word to yourself is that you're going to take care of yourself, you'll be gentle with yourself, you'll be looking out for you too. And if you're dragging yourself through whatever to keep your word to people. But in the process of that you're not keeping your word to yourself, then it's not fair to you, right?

Amena Brown:

So I had to start saying no to those things. One of the other things that I realized was a stressor for me is how I was traveling for work. When you're traveling for a living, and I can really only speak to when you're traveling for a living as a speaker or performing artists, sometimes there's a little tension, especially I'll say, for the market I was traveling in at the time, which was a Christian environment or a church environment, might be an even better description for that. There's sometimes were some tensions between what the people that were planning the event expected from you, and what you could actually deliver or wanted to deliver.

Amena Brown:

So sometimes, let's say, if I was booked to perform at a church event on a Saturday morning. What I had been doing before having surgery, is if I was going to perform there on a Saturday morning, and the cheapest flight for me to get there was at 6:00 a.m., then I would take that 6:00 a.m. flight, even though I wasn't paying for the flight. But I would take the 6:00 a.m. flight, which meant I was getting up at probably 3:00 a.m. in order to leave my house and get to the airport and get there on time, do all that, get through traffic, if there's traffic, whatever. And I'm getting there into whatever city at, could be anywhere from 7:30 to 9:00 or 10:00, depending on how far I had to fly.

Amena Brown:

And I'm getting there just in time to leave the airport, run right to soundcheck, eat a quick little late breakfast, get to the hotel, maybe change clothes, freshen up, speak. And then depending on the engagement, if I had to speak more than once that day or whatever, but pretty much after I finished talking, I would fly out go home. Well, I realized that a part of the problem was I needed to stop doing those 6:00 a.m. flights, if I didn't have to. I had to request from whoever it was that was booking me to come in the night before, so that I could get in at 7:00 p.m. the night before. Get to the hotel, drink some water, get some really good sleep so that I'd be fresh to do what it was they asked me to do that next morning.

Amena Brown:

But sometimes what happened is I would get booked to do an event. And even if I would request to come in the night before, the people planning the event might think I was just at my hotel chilling. That I have time to go to dinner with these people or I have time to attend this social function, which isn't technically a part of what I've been booked to go there to do. But they just think it could be a cool idea if I could hang out with so and so or if I could come to whatever session it was. And I also think for people who maybe don't do road life, I think sometimes people that were planning events thought that the road life was very lonely or thought that our lives as people who did road life were very lonely.

Amena Brown:

So they would say things like, yeah, when you fly in you should just come to one of the sessions, you can just relax. You don't have to do anything, you could just let us pour into you. I would always kind of chuckle a little bit because I was like, yeah, road life itself can be lonely, but my life is not lonely. I actually have like wonderful people in my life. I have wonderful community in my life. So this is not a space where I come to relax. I go on a vacation to relax or I go to my best friend's house and relax. I go to my mama house and relax. I don't come to this space where it's mostly strangers and people I'm just needing to relax, I came here to work.

Amena Brown:

So me not coming to this dinner or me not coming to the whatever social function is attached to this event is actually for me to be better and fresher doing what it is you actually asked me to do at the event. So I had to start saying no in some of those moments, and letting myself not be worried about if that was awkward for the other person I'm talking to, and saying those things up front when people would request me for events that I am going to come in the night before. I will not be at the such and such activities. But I will be there on time for soundcheck and I will be there on time from my time to be on stage. And a lot of times, because you all can probably tell if you all going to listen to this podcast, a lot of times I stayed for a long time after I would perform because I actually loved talking to people at the event when I could.

Amena Brown:

I loved like doing book signings, I mean, all things that we did willy-nilly before the pandemic. But I would stay, I would do book signings and just talk to people if they wanted to talk after the events, I loved that part, just getting to connect with the audience. Just really deciding and doing a better job deciding what is actually necessary. And if it's not necessary, then maybe we don't need to do it. And I think the last thing that I had to assess in that recovery time was what about this space I'm working in, what is actually stressing me out. Because I can plan for the logistics in trying to improve some of those aspects. But I also really was at the beginning, in my late 30s, of discovering that it wasn't just the logistics of the work I was doing, it was actually the space where I was working that was causing me high amounts of stress. And that was stressful for a couple of reasons.

Amena Brown:

I think one of the reasons it was stressful on just a basic level is being a Black woman in a predominantly white space is just stressful. Period. Whether it's church space, whether it's nonprofit, whether it's corporate, being the only black woman in that space is stressful. And really, for a lot of us as women of color, being whoever we are, in predominantly white spaces, has typically high levels of stress for us, even more stressed and sometimes we know or acknowledge in the moment. So that was definitely a part of the foundation of why it was stressful.

Amena Brown:

I think also, I was beginning to realize that, in particular, the industry that I was in which at that time was predominantly white, Christian, and predominantly very conservative too, theologically and politically in some ways, was also getting stressful for me, because I was discovering there were things that were important to them or things that they believed in that I didn't. And I wanted more creative space. I wanted more inclusive space. And I realized I was longing for something that was never going to happen inside of that space. And so it was stressful to reenter there, because I was being asked maybe to speak about something that I don't believe or speak on something, and then what I have to say about it doesn't match the beliefs of the people there that have started the event or started the organization or whatever it was.

Amena Brown:

And just realizing that my voice, I felt like my voice was growing and becoming in a lot of beautiful ways. And that in those ways, that voice wasn't welcome in its fullness in these spaces. So I feel like my 30s was this journey to this halt, right here at having the surgery. And after that surgery, that caused a great shift that was sort of leading me right there into what the beginning of my 40s was going to be.

Amena Brown:

What did I think my life would be like when I turned 40? Well, I didn't think we were going to be in a pandemic. Let's start with that. I did not think that, I don't know how many of us thought that. But I didn't think that because my birthday is in May. So I think a lot of us were thinking in the beginning like, we'll be on lockdown for maybe two weeks, maybe four weeks, things will be back to normal, right? And like over a year later, we're still not back to normal. When I think about what I thought my life was going to be like when I turned 40 I think about two things. Maybe just one thing, really, but probably two things, honestly.

Amena Brown:

One of them is that I thought that I was going to be the mother of like an elementary school kid by the time I was 40. That's what I thought. I always had that in my mind. I thought I was going to spend my 30s child rearing, basically. And then by the time I got into my 40s I'd be dealing with like an elementary school kid or transitioning into like middle school and the beginning of high school kid. And when I got into my late 30s and I started kind of settling in with me when I turned 38 like, you might turn 40 and you might not have kids. And what does that mean? And that sort of dovetails to me how I approached turning 30.

Amena Brown:

So in my 20s, my person that I wanted to please or that I wanted to approve of me was my 30-year-old self. And there were so many decisions and adventures and I'm sure mistakes that I made, that I was thinking in my mind, I wonder if my 30-year-old self is going to be proud of this. Or I think my 30-year-old self is going to be super proud of me that I made this choice, that I didn't do this or that I did do that. And so then by the time I got to 30, I was like, yeah, I'm in there, except the fact that I'm not married. And I thought I was going to be married by the time I was 30. So here we are. But I already had such a sense of adventure that my 30s, even though I felt like, man, I wish I would have gotten married by then. But I was also like, well, I haven't, and I may not get married.

Amena Brown:

So if I don't get married, then what do I want my life to be about because my life is about more than the relationship that I'm in. And even though ironically, I ended up getting married within a year, a year-ish of that birthday, I think having that mentality helped me enter marriage with this greater sense of adventure and not feeling like because my husband and I were getting married, that that's my identity now is only to be his wife. But instead, I was sort of able to enter that phase of life like, I'm married to this man that I love. I actually love keeping company with him. I love hanging out with him, whether we go to Walmart, or we go across the world somewhere. Like, I actually really enjoy him as a person.

Amena Brown:

So it's not that my whole identity has to be built on that. It's that I had a wonderful life before we got married. And now I'm married to him, being married to him adds to my already wonderful life. That was sort of how I entered being married. So when I realized in my late 30s, was sort of that same moment of like, okay, I've been envisioning. But for me, I'll say it wasn't the age this time. I sort of had in my head like, what would Amena who becomes a mom want me to do in this moment? Or like, would Amena that's going to become a mom be proud of me? And I remember I was working through this in therapy in my late 30s. And just reimagining with my therapist, what if I don't have kids? What will my life be like? And sort of coming back to that remembrance that whether or not I have kids, my life is wonderful.

Amena Brown:

And that was sort of what I had to come to in my 30s. Whether or not I get married, or even at that moment find whoever my person is, even date somebody really, honestly. But that's for another episode. Whatever that is my life was wonderful before I married my husband. It wasn't that marrying my husband is what made my miserable life wonderful. It was that marrying him made an already wonderful life even more wonderful, right? So I think my therapist and I were working through that, and I just started feeling it come up in my late 30s. And started working through what's the adventure that can be there for you in your 40s to experience versus you walking into this decade thinking about the things you thought you would have experienced? Or thought you would have air "achieved" by this time?

Amena Brown:

So I thought my 40s was going to be about, I won't say boring. I don't think I thought that. But I thought my 40s was going to be pretty routine, I thought it was going to be without actually a lot of adventure, because I thought probably going to have some kids by then, probably going to be going to PTA meetings, or if they do extracurricular activities, probably going to be spending my time doing that. Going to be organizing what we do with our business and our travels around their schedules. And realizing as I was getting close to that birthday, that that wasn't going to be the case. I have not talked publicly a lot about what that journey has been for us behind the scenes. I know that you all hear me talking a lot, and that probably makes it seem like I am not a very private person.

Amena Brown:

And those of you that have been following my career for a while, you see me perform and stuff, I'm not sure that I seem like a private person, but I am really a very private person about my personal life and things like that. I'm an introvert at the end of the day. So there are parts of my life that are good and wonderful and beautiful that I just love to keep to myself. And there are parts of my life that have been terribly hard that I did share with folks, but they were folks that we are very, very close to. They weren't things that I shared publicly. So I'm not ready to share some of all this journey right here, but one day, maybe I will. And this will probably be the place that I will come back here and be like, okay, remember, episode 32? Well, if you haven't listened to it, go back listen to that, because now I have more tea to share.

Amena Brown:

But I'm not ready honestly to share some of the tea that goes with that. But that is what I thought my 40s were going to be. And in my late 30s, I definitely felt myself freaking out that I was realizing turning 40 wasn't going to look like I thought it was going to look. What was my life actually like when I turned 40? Well, it was a pandemic. Okay. It was a whole pandemic out here. So Matt and I, Matt's my husband, Matt and I had originally planned ... I had my dream dream since I've been an adult, really, has been that on my 40th birthday, I wanted to go to Italy. So originally, that was the plan, Matt and I were going to do that.

Amena Brown:

I don't know if any of you all have this experience. But I am one of those people that sometimes I get like a gut feeling, a gumption, a premonition, a something. I get a feeling to do something or not to do something. And I got a feeling prior to the pandemic that we shouldn't go to Italy. And so we talked about it. Because we were just at the point where it was like getting to be time to like book flights and find hotels and do all that. And I just told Matt, "I don't know. I don't feel like we're supposed to go." So we didn't. Had no idea that even if we had booked all that stuff, we would have still been grounded here, unable to travel.

Amena Brown:

So then when I realized, okay, well, I'm not going to go to Italy. My next plan was to go to my mojo city, which if you all have been listening to the podcast, you know I talked about that in my HER Favorite Things episode, that my mojo city is New York. And so I was like, well, for some reason, I don't feel good about traveling internationally. Maybe I'll travel domestically. And then of course, the pandemic happened, so did not get to go to New York, either. So my actual birthday, I cried. Not on my birthday, though. But in the weeks leading up to my birthday, I had to like shed some like disappointed tears, because I realized it was really hard to think of ways to celebrate without having a restaurant to go eat at or a party that you could safely plan and be with the people that love you or a place you could go travel.

Amena Brown:

I had to just sit down one day and just talk to Matt and cry my eyes out about feeling so disappointed about that. And then once I cried my eyes out, I was able to reimagine like what my birthday could be like. And I think that maybe is my rhythm, really. It's like, I need to cry. I need to process the sorrow, the grief, the disappointment. And then when I process that it sort of opens my brain to reimagine what can we do with what we have, right? So I tried to think about if it weren't a pandemic, and I couldn't travel, what would I do for my birthday? And I was like, well, I would have gotten a pedicure, a manicure, I would have gotten a spa facial. I would have eaten at one of my favorite restaurants. I would have dressed up. I would have put my makeup on. I would have did my hair. All those things.

Amena Brown:

And so I did a lot of research you all, and I learned how to give myself a very luxurious pedicure, manicure facial. I just spent the weeks before my birthday like ordering various things. We just like use some of the budget that we had planned to use for the trip. And I just ordered my little tools I needed to really do my luxe manicure, pedicure, facial. And so the night or a day really before my birthday, that's what I did. And then the day of my birthday, honestly, was a really wonderful birthday. And I think in part, I was just determined to celebrate. Because in the years between surgery and this birthday, like I had just been through a whole lot. So I was just grateful to be here to celebrate that I'm here that I'm well. I just felt like there was a lot of life to celebrate and I wanted to do that.

Amena Brown:

My therapist had said something to me. She said, "Sometimes when hard things have happened to you, what ends up happening is you kind of mark time based on these hard things that have happened." And she was like, "So you end up being like this is the first Christmas that, this is the second Christmas that, this is the first birthday since blah, blah, blah." And she was like, "It's understandable to do that for a time." But she was like, "I don't want you to lose out on celebrating yourself because every birthday, anniversary, holiday or whatever is the mark of how much time has passed since a bad thing happened to you." She was like, "I think it's okay for you to say this is my birthday." And that's a chance to like, celebrate me and celebrate what I've survived and that I'm still here. Your anniversary with your husband, that's a time to celebrate this relationship that you love and where you feel loved. And so that was very much the energy around my birthday.

Amena Brown:

When I think about what my life was actually like, I have to tell you all that the year, this year so far, because I'm turning 41 this year, so this year of being 40 has been professionally, probably the best year of my career, you all. I mean, only like a few months after turning 40, I got a podcast deal with Seneca Women and iHeart, which is how you are listening to this right now. And I also signed a deal with Olay to be one of the faces of their Face Anything campaign. I'm one of nine women who are featured in the campaign, all brilliant and amazing women. And to have had these two big opportunities come to me after I turned 40, I feel like in my faith context, that felt like a big reminder from God that, yeah, my life in my 40s turned out to be very different than I imagined. But that didn't mean it couldn't be great and a surprise and wonderful.

Amena Brown:

I remember when I was doing the shoot for Olay, we did the shoot for my portion of the Face Anything campaign, which was part commercial and part print ads as well. And I did the shoot here in Atlanta with a wonderful team that was working with Olay. And I remember getting to the shoot, and I had to do all the wardrobe stuff, try on all these different outfits. And the outfit that ended up fitting me the best was this dress that I would never have walked in a store and bought, okay, never would have bought this dress. It was white. It was fitting like all my curves and everything. Like it almost fit me to the point that I think I would have been too self-conscious to wear it. But I put it on and it fit me like a glove.

Amena Brown:

I just went home after like a very long day of shooting. We probably were shooting almost 12 hours between video and photography. And I remember getting home and just thinking to myself, girl, you just did things that models do at 40 years old with your 40-year-old curves, with your 40-year-old belly, and I'm so proud of it. I'm so proud of it. Like, my year of turning 40 turned out to be so wonderful and so different than I expected. I can't say it's better than I expected, because I don't know what that other life would have been like if I would have had that life. But I think when we think about our life, and we think about these things that we hope our life is going to be, we only have like an A or a B. We only have like an either/or. Either my life's going to be this or my life's going to be terrible, right?

Amena Brown:

We don't always have in our minds like, well, maybe my life won't be that. But it could still be great or wonderful, or this amazing experience. And that's really what I experienced. Like, my life is not this thing that I imagined it was going to be when I turned 40. But it's dope. It's dope. My next question is what has been the theme of my 40 so far? And the first thought that came to my mind, the first thing that I hear in my mind is I hear India Arie singing the Serenity Prayer. And if any of you are India.Arie fans, this is actually on a track called Loving on her album Testimony:Volume, 1 Life & Relationship. And she's singing those words at the beginning of a Serenity Prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. If you haven't heard her singing in this, you have to listen to it.

Amena Brown:

But hearing her sing, it's like I don't know what she was feeling when she sang it, but it just sounded like she poured all of this life experience into when she sang that. She was pouring like the joy and the sorrow and the good times and the hard times all into that. And if I could put a theme on my 40 so far, it is that balance. I think in my 30s I was definitely a person that felt like my hard work could fix it. My hustle could change it. Me praying harder would make this certain thing or that certain thing different. Me reading my Bible more minutes or more hours or more pages or whatever it was would make this or that different. And that's not to say that I don't believe that prayer is powerful.

Amena Brown:

But I believe sometimes I would sort of enter the space of prayer as my way of controlling things, which is kind of a weird way to enter prayer. But sometimes I know I've done that maybe you have to. And I feel like the years leading up to turning 40 have taught me that sometimes there is some really hard stuff that happens, and you can't pray it all away, and you can't fix it. There were some spaces where I was working, and I wanted them to be anti-racist, and I wanted them to be inclusive of the LGBTQ community, I wanted them to be inclusive spaces for everybody. And it didn't matter how many conversations I had, those spaces were not going to change. And so I had to accept that that is not going to change.

Amena Brown:

And then there were some things that I did have to have the courage to change. Like when I was telling you all like learning how to say no, and not feeling like I have to please people all the time, even in professional situations. Especially, beyond what the contract says, but another talk for another time. But those are things that I can have the courage to change. To change the way I work, to live a life that is of a decreased stress level. And then I love the last part of that, which is the wisdom to know the difference. That there's just going to come up both of those in life. Just going to be some things that happen and I can't change it. And there'll be some things that I can put in the work to make them different or make them better. But I believe this decade of my 40s is bringing me the wisdom to know the difference.

Amena Brown:

If I could give advice to a woman about to turn 40, what would I tell her? I would tell her or you, if you're listening, and you're about to turn 40, or if you're in your late 30s, And you're like, oh man, what's happening here. I would say, first of all, when you think about your 40th birthday, do something that you actually love, and be around the people that you actually love and that make you feel loved. I don't feel like any birthday you should force yourself to do things because that's what your family members want, or because that's what your friends said they'd like to do. But especially on these birthdays that end in zero, or sometimes for some people, even the ones that end in five, really think about what do you like to do.

Amena Brown:

And if you have family members that are determined to plan a surprise party for you, for example, and you hate surprise parties, just go ahead and say to them, look them in the eyes for real and be like, I actually wanted to go to a hotel by myself. And I love you. And I want us to have dinner or breakfast or whatever after I have my time by myself, but I want that time by myself. I was even talking to one of my really, really good friends when she turned 40. And she and her husband have a little boy. And she was like, I don't know. I think I just want to spend my birthday with like my husband and my son. And I was like, that's beautiful too. Just do something that you love. Plan to do that.

Amena Brown:

Within whatever you can afford to do, or like in my case, we're in the middle of a pandemic, so I had a lot of limitations. But I spent that birthday with my favorite person, which is my husband. My husband put this wonderful video together of all these people I love singing happy birthday to me and I FaceTimed with people that I loved. I mean, even in that moment, I let myself be loved on. And I think you should rein in your 40th like that as much as you can. And not because it's like bad luck if you don't or because that's the rest of your year or the rest of your decade. I don't really put a lot of stock in that. But I do think there's a lot of good energy to doing something for yourself.

Amena Brown:

And the other thing I would say, if you're about to turn 40, I would say you know release yourself from the expectations that society puts upon us about what any of our ages have to look like. I think there is a lot of pressure on women because of the patriarchy, honestly. But there's a lot of pressure about your relationship status, about what your uterus is or isn't doing. For those of us that have uteruses. You know what I mean? I think there's a lot of pressure about what we're doing relationship wise, what we're doing about having children. And depending on what environments you're in, if there's more value placed upon that than your actual satisfaction with your life, or the fullness of your life, that if you're in a relationship with someone who loves you, that's dope.

Amena Brown:

If you have children, and they're in your family, you're loving them, you're raising them, that's dope. And those things are dope inside of your whole life. That those things themselves are not the only thing that define you. That you get to build your life upon whatever you decide to build it on. But I hope that you build it in the fullness of what that means, whoever you are and however you are. And I guess the last thing I would say is, don't be afraid of being surprised of some things that are unexpected happening to you. Sometimes some of the things that are unexpected are the worst, they are terrible, okay. Like, one day I'll come back and regale you all with some of those stories that have greeted me in my late 30s and early 40s.

Amena Brown:

But you'll also have some unexpected blessings and I think it's good to have room for those. I think it's good to be open to that process as well. And aging, even though we have been taught by so many things and whatever from other people, aging is beautiful. It's a beautiful process. It's you coming into your skin more, it's you knowing who you are more, it's you being willing to still learn, even after you've learned all these other things. It's beautiful. It's not something that we have to fear. It's a part of becoming who you are. And that's what you want in your life. You don't want to become what somebody else expected of you. You don't want to become smaller than you actually are. You want to be the full badass you. That's what I'd say.

Amena Brown:

Anyways, I wanted to thank you all for listening. Normally, at the end of these episodes, I have an outro, a segment of sorts that I do to give a crown to another Woman of Color. I want to take this time to give a crown to you if you're listening. In general, and especially those of you that are in your 40s and beyond, or maybe approaching your 40s, I want you to give yourself a crown, whatever that looks like for you. I want you to say some good words to yourself today. I want you to think about what may be your expectations about the next decade of your life that's approaching.

Amena Brown:

I don't want you to think about all of the things that you haven't done or all of the "expectations" that you haven't met. I want you to think about what have you accomplished or even beyond that, like who are you that you're proud of, and how can you celebrate her today? So whoever you are listening, you deserve it. Give yourself a crown. HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions, as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening. And don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown episode 82

Amena Brown:

Welcome back to this week's episode of HER with Amena Brown, and I am all in my southern girl feelings today because we're talking about southern hip hop today with Assistant Professor of English and African Diaspora Studies at Kennesaw State University. Writer, researcher, daughter of the Black American south, author of Chronicling Stankonia: The Rise Of The Hip-Hop South, let's welcome Dr. Regina Bradley to the HER living room.

Amena Brown:

What's going down? I take all the applause. All of it. Okay. I'm giving it to you because there should be thousands of people here with us that would have been clapping. They're listening but since they can't clap for us right now I'm here using these two hands to help that. Let me [crosstalk 00:01:25].

Dr. Regina Bradely:

Well, you know what they say, where two or three are gathered.

Amena Brown:

Okay. Okay. And we're here and my husband and producer, he here. That's three of us. There's two, three of us. Right here. That's it.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

That's it.

Amena Brown:

You all, I'm so excited to have Dr. Regina Bradley here, in our HER living room because I have been following her on Twitter for a long time... I cannot remember who it was, it was another Black woman a couple years ago that was like, you all need to go follow... told a bunch of us to follow you. That's was when I started following you a couple of years a go and then when I saw you-

Dr. Regina Bradely:

What?

Amena Brown:

... talking about your book, Chronicling Stankonia, I was like, I am in desperate need of having her on this podcast. So thank you for agreeing to this. Okay. So I need to start with some basic facts and just let me tell you I have grown up mostly in the South. I moved around aa lot as a kid but I basically lived between Texas and the South. And Texas people listening... Texas is not the South and we love you. Okay? We love you.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

Oh, don't start? We starting off early with violence.

Amena Brown:

Well, you're Texas. Texas is its own place. If you all live there you all know what I mean because I went to high school in Texas. Junior high and high school actually. And it has southern things but it's own place. Okay. So I lived in Texas and then just different parts of the South and Georgia obviously. I've been here over 20 years now, but my people are from North Carolina.

Amena Brown:

So when I moved from Atlanta for college, I had a friend that went to Clark Atlanta, that was from where you grew up in Georgia. Now I pronounce that Albany when I first saw it. I was like oh, okay, you're from Albany, Georgia and he was like, "That's not where I'm from." He was like, I'm from Albany, is how-

Dr. Regina Bradely:

Albany.

Amena Brown:

... That's how he told me to say it. Can you discuss why it's important to make sure we don't pronounce Albany, New York the same as Albany Georgia? Just discuss for the people.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

I mean, I'm just saying your red clay, your water, your blues ain't like ours, you know what I'm saying? So Albany-

Amena Brown:

[crosstalk 00:03:42].

Dr. Regina Bradely:

... Albany is very northeastern. You know what I'm saying? It's our sister city but I mean, I just get excited when I be like, fool where you from? Shit I'm from Albany I'm like, all right. South side raised over here.

Amena Brown:

Okay.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

And it's just different. It's just different. I feel like the ancestors live in your voice when you say Albany. You know what I'm saying?

Amena Brown:

Come on.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

Through the struggle, through the triumph, the chili dogs all of it.

Amena Brown:

I need everything about this. Can you also explain to people because I feel like for a lot of people that have either never been to Georgia or aren't familiar with the state for a lot of people Atlanta is Georgia and that's everything. But Atlanta is not Georgia. There are just many other cities, communities and other layers of southern culture going on outside of the city of Atlanta. So can you talk about what's the difference between growing up in Albany versus what it is like to be in Atlanta.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

First of all, Atlanta might as well be its own state within the state because the perimeter is it's own thing. It's contained in it's own physical space. It literally has 285 to surround it. The circumference of the city but once you go OTP, outside the perimeter, you know what I mean? That's when you get "real Georgia". You know what I mean?

Dr. Regina Bradely:

It's interesting because Atlanta for folks like me who grew up outside of the perimeter it's like how folks think about New York. You know what I mean? When you want to get away from home and you want to be successful, you got to Atlanta.

Amena Brown:

That's right. That's right.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

You know what I mean? It's close enough to home. If something goes down, you can be like, all right I'm just going to hop off 75 and come back but it's big enough that folks are like, Oh, you live in Atlanta and folks don't judge you. You know what I'm saying? I'm in Atlanta. Right? But it's important because this is something I kind of talk about in the book too, is that the South isn't a monolith and what that means is, how I came up in Georgia is different than somebody in Mississippi or Alabama.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

But even within the state how I came up in southwest Georgia which is... I mean, Albany is... the Benny is a small city so to speak but it isn't nowhere near Atlanta size. It's small-time rural Georgia so fields and shit close on Sunday at four o'clock. You know what I'm saying? Everything close for church. You know what I'm saying?

Dr. Regina Bradely:

It's different than Atlanta as this urban hub. You know what I'm saying? So, it's important to kind of recognize that because it translates one way in the A doesn't mean it's going to translate the same way in the Benny, or in Waycross or in Savannah.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

So, I mean, it's just important to let folks have their own flavor and do their own thing but unfortunately because Atlanta is so internationally known, that's what folks gravitate towards. You know what I mean? Like you don't hear nobody be like, I'm going to vacation to Osila. No offense to people from Osila.

Amena Brown:

Right, right.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

... or Titi.

Amena Brown:

Okay.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

Do you know what I mean? I'm just saying. That's not at the top of the list. It's no, I'm going to vacation to Atlanta. You know what I'm saying? So it's important to kind of recognize everybody has their own flavor even within the state. All that to say, the Benny is definitely different than A. We the little A.

Amena Brown:

Yes. Yes.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

We the little A.

Amena Brown:

The little A.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

[crosstalk 00:07:06] with the little A.

Amena Brown:

We love to see that. Okay. First of all, it touches me that you have written this book and you all that are listening, that are just about to go the your bookseller and buy five copies of this book. This book is so important-

Dr. Regina Bradely:

[crosstalk 00:07:26] indie.

Amena Brown:

Okay. Please and buy indie while you at it. I'm telling you favorite bookseller, but your favorite bookseller should be indie, so work on that, do that and buy five copies at the time. But what I love about this book is it's a read for people who are hip hop connoisseurs, who enjoy hip hop culture and music but that it's also something that can be used as a textbook. Right? That there could be people studying this in a classroom. So, I want to talk about the first time that you can remember hearing Outkast's music and I'll tell you what my first time was.

Amena Brown:

I know that I was in high school and there was a little concrete bench of some kind, that was in sort of the courtyard of our school where everybody hung out. And I had a friend Chris who also rapped on the side, as many of us did at this era of time, and I remember him freaking out about having heard this verse that opens with, "It's the MI crooked letter."

Amena Brown:

And as he was saying the words to us, he sang the words to us. I hadn't even heard the song myself actually first. He said the words to us because we were all studying hip hop a lot, trying to rap. This is before I realized rap wasn't going to be for me and I need to become a poet but I was still trying at this time. And so because he mentioned it to us then we all had to go home and try to see how we could find this music and listen to it. It still touches me when I hear their music today hearing how distinctly southern their voices were, on that music. So what was your first time? Your first memory of hearing this music from Outkast?

Dr. Regina Bradely:

The Martin episode, the Player's Ball. That was my very first memory of hearing Outkast and it was right at the end. So I was like, Oh, yeah. Well, I still feel like I was kind of I'm young. It was right before bedtime so to speak. You know what I'm saying? It was like, Okay, you get this last minute of Martin, and then it's time for you to go to bed.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

But my first for real, for real time, legit, what you're talking about is definitely on Goodie Mob's Black Ice, because I talk about that in the book too. But it was just like, friends, Romans, countrymen, and then lyrics were "it was a beautiful day up in the neighborhood." I was like what neighborhood we going to? Why's it so beautiful? You know what I'm saying?

Amena Brown:

Okay. Okay. Tell me everything. I want to know everything-

Dr. Regina Bradely:

[crosstalk 00:10:04] I remember classmates and friends just randomly throwing out Outkast lyrics going down the hall to class. You know what I'm saying? It was like for me coming from northern Virginia where Outkast was only a word in the dictionary at the time. I don't remember listening to Outkast like that when I was in Northern Virginia. I was in Alexandria Fort Belvoir because military brat.

Amena Brown:

Right. Same for me.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

So when I come South, in my mind I'm thinking everybody listen to the same kind of hip hop, you know what I'm saying? So I'm like, all right so if I'm listening to Bad Boy and Busta Rhymes and Wu-Tang and all of the folks who are on the radio and the DMV. Well of course that's what they're listening to in small ass, rural ass, southwest Georgia. And then I get down there and I try to connect, my classmate is like, shawty. No. That isn't who we listening to. For real.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

I remember this one dude, he was asking what happened to my little mix tapes, because you know that was the currency. You know what I mean? You could pass and they would share mix tapes. And dude was like, shawty what this deal? Who this? You aren't listening to nobody I know. He was just naming off all of these southern folks UGK, 8Ball & MJG, Three 6 Mafia, you know what I'm saying? And I'm just kind of like, I'm the new kid so that gave me at least some kind of advantage. But then they were like, she isn't even listening to our music.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

That just put me in a whole different hole so to speak so I had to dig myself up out the hole. So of course I'm listening to at the time it was Hot 106.1, it isn't there any more. Also 96.3 which is still there and I'm taking notes and making new mix tapes because I'm like, if I die now there's no coming back from the social death when I start high school. Enjoying southern rap became a life or death situation for a freshman. An incoming freshman from high school, you know what I'm saying? Who can't write about nothing so I just remember how my mixed tapes changed over time. It was like, okay so I remember one I got from D.C. I think it had Wyclef Jean on there, there was Bad Boy on there. And then it like abruptly cuts off to Tear Da Club Up Three 6 Mafia andMaster P, you know what I'm saying? And I'm like you can kind of tell this is when your girl transitioned.

Amena Brown:

Right. I mean one of the things that I really love about just this era of hip hop especially those first couple albums of Outkast, is that hip hop had so much of a regional element then. I remember being in Texas and I grew up in San Antonio, Texas because my parents were in the military too. So that's what moved us to San Antonio, but being in a city like that where a lot of people were kind of in and out It was a very transient place.

Amena Brown:

It was sort of like we didn't really know our hip hop identity all the way because we didn't have an MCs from there then but we did have DJ Screw, from that area around southern Texas time. So I remember living there and there being a very specific Texas sort of hip hop sound. And then when I moved to Atlanta for college, I moved here for college in 98, so that was the year that Aquemini came out, and if you were driving by anybody's dorm rooms, apartments, everybody's windows open playing that record.

Amena Brown:

And I think that was really the first time that I got to experience what a cultural shift a group like Outkast was bringing. I mean still Rosa Parks as a song. Its still a life changing situation with me, just the middle of that song with this fiddle-

Dr. Regina Bradely:

The hoe-down.

Amena Brown:

... hoe-down. Just the nerve to put that in the middle of a hip hop song, I was like whatever this is I really need this. So I love to hear about that because I think for us trying to be rappers, those of us who tried in the late 90s, we were emulating New York because-

Dr. Regina Bradely:

Right.

Amena Brown:

... at the time where it was like that's the sound you need to have or keep. Then to start hearing what the South was doing with hip hop gave you all this other stuff you could be doing with how you rap, with how you produce, all of that.

Amena Brown:

So okay, the other thing I want to ask you about is, were people talking about Kilo Ali when you were growing... can you discuss Kilo Ali with me because when I moved here, to Atlanta Georgia and I would ask people as you did back then, one of your first questions... you brought this up, one of your first questions to people is like, well, what rap you listening to? Who's your favorite rapper? People that are born and raised Atlanta were like Kilo Ali, and I was like, who is that?

Amena Brown:

I didn't know anything about Kilo at all. If people who are born and raised here, not people who moved here to get a job, people who were born and raised here they were children here, they were like, it's Kilo Ali for me. Can you discuss the importance of Kilo in the southern hip hop conversation?

Dr. Regina Bradely:

Oh, yeah. I mean Kilo Ali was one of the earliest introductions to hip hop sound originating in Atlanta. I mean, that's the best way to put it. You know what I'm saying? So when he comes out with Cocaine in 1990.

Amena Brown:

Okay, okay.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

You know what I mean? Before we had trap music we had Kilo Ali. You know what I'm saying? My first introduction to Kilo Ali was Baby, Baby. You know what I'm saying? Like, I need your L-O-V-E, Baby, Baby, I was like oh, okay. Then I heard boom in my car, you know what I'm saying? Show Me Love, all of these things. He is an architect for Atlanta sound. You know what I mean?

Dr. Regina Bradely:

Obviously you can't talk about Atlanta without Organized Noize, right? But you also can't talk about Atlanta without Kilo Ali, Raheem The Dream. You know what I'm saying? These folks who are taking what they found going on in Atlanta and how they grew up in these communities in Atlanta and pulling it on wax in ways that folks who were really checking for. You know what I'm saying? I get it. You know what I mean? If you really from the A, you're like Kilo is going to be on the top of your list, in minimum in your top three. At minimum. You know what I'm saying? So, I get it. I get it.

Amena Brown:

That was my moment of moving here to Georgia and having to get educated when the people were like, it's Kilo Ali and I think at the moment Regina, I didn't even want to be like I don't know who that is. I was just like oh, word. Has to go home and figure out-

Dr. Regina Bradely:

Right. You don't want to be called out. You was like, but then you'd get back to the room and be like, okay hold up, let me-

Amena Brown:

What are they talking about? Let me go listen.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

... there was no streaming back then-

Amena Brown:

Okay.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

... so you had to literally had to sit down at the radio and be like, okay, I'm ready.

Amena Brown:

Let me wait until they drop this Kilo so I can know what they talking about.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

You knew they knew were going to drop it around nine o'clock because in Albany they had the Dirty South hour, like the BOOM Shake hour. You know-

Amena Brown:

Okay, okay.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

... what I mean? So that was from 9:00 to 10:00. So Kilo Ali is going to show up at least one time in the mix. You know what I mean? And if that's your one thing you better use the hell out of it and be like, I know what you're t- and you better know it verbatim.

Amena Brown:

Okay. You got to be ready next time you can't just be out here-

Dr. Regina Bradely:

[crosstalk 00:18:10] be ready to go.

Amena Brown:

... you can't be out here not knowing. Okay, you brought up what is a very important question among hip hop heads, we normally trade, what would we say are our top five MCs. I want to narrow that question and ask you what do you feel are five southern hip hop quintessential songs.

Amena Brown:

If you could think of five southern hip hop songs that you feel like these are essential to the canon. If you're entering the conversation you need to at least know these. What would you say are-

Dr. Regina Bradely:

[crosstalk 00:18:49]

Amena Brown:

... those top five songs? Its hard to name five.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

I'll do it like this. I hate this question. I-

Amena Brown:

You just.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

... can't stand this question-

Amena Brown:

You'll just give me several.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

... because I feel like it changes every time somebody ask me this question. Okay, today I feel like UGK Pocket Full of Stones is important, Three 6 Mafia Tear Da Club Up is important. Elevators by Outkast is important.

Amena Brown:

Yes.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

Just want to make sure I hit all the areas so to speak. Back That Ass Up.

Amena Brown:

Okay.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

It's canonical. Its not a lie. I guess back I'm from Georgia and Atlanta has such an influence on me I'm going back to Atlanta with this one but I feel like Cool Breeze Watch For The Hook is so important. But also put Three 6 Mafia's Late Night Tip in that conversation because gangster blues goes all the way off. But those are the ones are mainly kind of my today, today.

Amena Brown:

Okay. That's right. That's fair.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

So if your audience is like, Dr. Bradley you disappoint me I'm like, listen this changes every time somebody ask me this question but today that's who I'm going with. That's who-

Amena Brown:

Okay.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

... I'm going with today.

Amena Brown:

I respect these choices right here because I feel like you gave us a good amount of breadth. You gave us some places to go and you brought up Gangsta Boo I was like, okay when we done with this interview I'm going to have to go revisit that.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

For real. I listen to her. She laid the game quite flat on late night shows. I'm kind of just like oh, wow. But I mean regardless of what they, Back That Ass Up is pretty much going to be on my top.

Amena Brown:

Okay. Okay.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

It changed my life. It changed my life because I was at the little homecoming dance, you know what I'm saying? And we're still wilding about Pa, okay. But then folks are dancing and then all of a sudden DJ drops out the little music. You know what I mean?

Dr. Regina Bradely:

He's doing his little talking thing boom, boom, boom, and then all of a sudden you hear the beginning of Back That Ass Up and folks are just looking at each other like, what? What? And we were like, play that back-

Amena Brown:

Okay.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

... one more time.

Amena Brown:

Okay. Okay.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

And I couldn't really do nothing because it was high school, right? But when it played it in college, I had my cup. I had my little solo cup, you know what I'm saying? I had my little secret drink in there. And you'll be making your final rounds and be like all right I'm going to see you all, whoot-whoot and then you hear it come on and you like, you know what? I've got one more in me.

Amena Brown:

Okay.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

I got one more dance in me. I got one more dance in me, you know what I'm saying? So it's called forever and I am 37 now and I ain't got no Meghan the Stallion knees, you know what I'm saying?

Amena Brown:

It's not.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

... but I'm going to give you a Meghan the Stallion effort whenever I hear.

Amena Brown:

This is what I respect. Well, this is what we need, a Meghan the Stallion effort. Okay I'll try.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

Effort. I'm going to give you the effort. I'm going to give you effort. Now my husband might have to pick me up, which he's had to do in the past, Mr. Bradley but I'm going to pretend it's back 98, 99 and I'm going to pretend we're taking over for the 2000s like I still got 16, 17, 20-year old knees, you know what I mean? I'm going to give you the effort, that's the one song you will always get the effort out of Regina is, Back That Ass Up.

Amena Brown:

This is what I aspire to is the Meghan the Stallion effort. That's all I have. I also-

Dr. Regina Bradely:

That's all I got.

Amena Brown:

... I want to echo your sentiment about Back That Ass Up because the last time I went to my college reunion I graduated from Spelman so we were doing the Spelman warhouse tailgate which is wild.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

Warhouse.

Amena Brown:

It's wild time. Okay. So the last time I went out there they had a DJ on the Spelman side and there's always a few older alumni who are there, that are 20, some of them 30 years older than us. So when the DJ on their side drops Brick House all decorum is over.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

That window.

Amena Brown:

Its done. There's just hips and booty all over the place and my girlfriend looked at me when were at homecoming the last time before the pandemic, she turned to me and she said, you know that in several-

Dr. Regina Bradely:

That's going to [crosstalk 00:23:12].

Amena Brown:

... years this is us, to Back That Ass Up. That's exactly what she said.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

You know what is another song is too, because I feel that. I feel that and this pangea is messing us up-

Amena Brown:

Okay.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

... all because I miss homecoming. There's no more homecoming like HBCU homecoming. You know what I mean? I took my daughter to Virginia State homecoming in 2019, right? And she was looking at me crazy because I didn't go to Virginia State. My cousin went to Virginia State so it was like I didn't really know nobody but because I knew my cousin of course, and then I'm also Greek, you know what I'm saying? So it was like I got the float.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

And my daughter was like, mom do you know these people? I'm like, no, and that's the point.

Amena Brown:

Okay.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

That's the point, we can turn up. We can turn up so I agree with you. I'm going to be 50, 60 years old and somebody going to be like, what you know about this? And then its going to be these younger folks will come up in there and we're going to push the younger folks out the way and be like move this is not for you. But also like Knuck If You Buck to the conversation.

Amena Brown:

I will speak a word today about Knuck If You Buck.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

Because I'm an aka-er, so I see the younger students kind of run out there, I see the young alphas run out there. And in our age group I'm like, move, move out the way. Move that isn't for you. You all are in this whistle, alphas, I be ready to fight. I'll be like where'd the whistle come from? There's no whistle but anyway Back That Ass Up and Knuck If You Buck that's going to be our Brick House at homecoming 2030, 2035.

Amena Brown:

I'm so glad that you brought up Knuck If You Buck. Now that I'm talking to you about this Regina I feel like I need a strong southern canonical playlist of hip hop and Knuck If You Buck has to be in there. I mean there is just so many-

Dr. Regina Bradely:

It's got to be in there.

Amena Brown:

... elements about that song, it's aggression in the best way. The Knuck If You Buck line, that little line it just brings so much joy to me.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

But it also erases any kind of like you were saying about the prestige. I have a Ph.D. I'm a college professor but when I hear that come on I go way back to being in college not giving a damn.

Amena Brown:

Okay.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

I'm just like, all right. You know what I mean? And it's the same thing with that. It doesn't compute. It doesn't compute. Oh, you're supposed to be Dr. Bradley when this is on. No, no, I'm not Dr. Bradley when this is on, I'm Gina May when this is on. And-

Amena Brown:

Okay.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

... we don't necessarily see eye-to-eye all the time. So I'm just going to put that out there.

Amena Brown:

I also have to submit that for me having grown up between Texas and then as an adult moving to Georgia, that booty music is also... southern booty music is a thing that I honestly feel like if I were in the Vatican and for some reason Scrub The Ground were to play, for some reason in that space, I'm out.

Amena Brown:

I have to first of all, bend down enough to get my hands on my knees. That's the first thing I have to do and I feel like I don't care if I'm wearing a blazer and I was at some work function. It's your fault you dropped Scrub The Ground. That's not on me, that's a choice you made and I have to do what has to be done when Scrub The Ground gets dropped. That's it.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

I feel the same way about scrub The Ground. I really do. That is all. Treat the Vatican like a pool party. You know what I'm saying? [crosstalk 00:27:21] I'll be like, Pope I'm sorry sir. I'm sorry but somebody decided.

Amena Brown:

And now this is a ritual I have to do.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

Again Meghan The Stallion effort because I can't get down there like I used to. However, we gone try it.

Amena Brown:

I am going to try it.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

We are going to try it.

Amena Brown:

I can at least get as far as my hands being on my knees and shout out to corn bread and biscuits because I got some extra booty more than I had 20 years ago so I bring that into this moment. That's about where I have got to really stay in that zone.

Amena Brown:

I can't literally scrub the ground. I had to just accept that's the case. You're going to try. You're just going to graze the ground maybe or hover the ground but you're going to try the effort. The effort.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

I love it.

Amena Brown:

Okay, lets talk about Chronicling Stankonia. There's a couple of things I want to talk to you about right here. One of the things I want to ask you about is your experience going into academia and really focusing here on not just Black culture but southern Black culture.

Amena Brown:

What has that journey been like? Because I feel like there's been some conversation among my friends who are in academia about the amount of people who are teaching Black studies that are not Black and who are not really living in this culture acquainted with it. What was your journey like in going into academia and deciding I want to represent my people, represent the people I'm from, represent our language, represent our music? What was that like?

Dr. Regina Bradely:

So just non-Black folks doing Black studies and stuff like that. I don't have a problem with it as long as you remember you're a guest in this space. That's when we get ready to throw hands that you have some folks out here that are like well, I can... like some folks are like, I can lyrically do this and this.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

Or I can give you all the facts about this particular thing. I'm like but you forget that you are guest in this space. You know what I'm saying? But I mean, it's interesting man because actually I tell folks I've been writing Chronicling Stankonia since I touched down in Albany back in 1998 I feel like. You know what I mean?

Dr. Regina Bradely:

Because I've been part of the culture. The culture has been part of me, but it wasn't until I graduate school I went to Indiana University for graduate school, for my master's, and then I went to Florida State for my PhD but going to the Midwest was a wake up call for me in realizing how southern I had truly become. You know what I'm saying?

Dr. Regina Bradely:

So I was taking a grad seminar with Dr. Porshia Molsbe, who is the OG. You don't talk about Black popular music unless you reference doctor Molsbe. Right? And we got to the section on hip hop and it was great reading and folks knew what they were talking about but I felt isolated from the conversation because who they were talking about I wasn't really listening to like that, you know what I'm saying?

Dr. Regina Bradely:

And I asked her about it and she was like, well, what are you going to do about it? And I'm like, at the time. So I keep going through the studies and I go into the English program. Of course when you think hip hop studies you don't necessarily think English but I want to shout out my dissertation advisor doctor David Ickert because I was trying to go in one direction. I think I said I wanted to do my dissertation on Black women and the church and faith in the South. And he was like, okay. Right?

Dr. Regina Bradely:

But then I took his seminar class because you got to take multiple types of seminars and I wanted to African Americanist so I took his African American literature seminar, in my final paper in the class was on TI.

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

Which actually part of that paper in is in the chapter in the book on TI Like I said I've been writing this thing and I will never forget he had class and went and then he called me into his office and he was like, you need to be writing about hip hop. I'm like, I didn't know that was a thing. He was like, well we have to make it a thing.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

So my dissertation was about just hip hop in general but it wasn't until I couldn't find a job, I was adjuncting, I was desperate. I'm like you know what? I'm going to write about what I love which is the South and southern rap and then that's when the doors started opening so to speak. You know what I'm saying?

Dr. Regina Bradely:

When I went to Harvard on fellowship it was to work on this book because I was like, I'm writing about Outkast. When I got my job I used a draft from a chapter of this book. You know what I'm saying? So it was like southern hip hop opened doors for me when me trying the check of the bullet points of being a "traditional academic" you know what I'm saying? Were closing doors and slamming doors in my face. So when folks ask me about my connections to Outkast, I mean, I love them because they're brilliant. They're genius, you know what I mean?

Dr. Regina Bradely:

But the other part of it too is I feel like me and my work physically and culturally and spiritually embody that idea of being outcasted. I never fit to the academy the way folks have. As a Black woman professor for a lot of my students I'm the first Black woman professor they've had. Some students have told me I'm their first Black teacher period, you know what I mean?

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

So its like I'm consistently in this place of being outcasted but if I'm going to be outcasted I'm going the utilize it to my advantage. You know what I'm saying? So just being able to just speak through that and then coming out with Chronicling Stankonia, you know what I'm saying? I'm still kind of in shock that its out.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

I feel like I've been working on it for so long, I got contracted for the book in 2015 and its coming out six years later, you know what I mean? And I was trying the find all the ways to talk myself out of being crunk about it. I was like, okay maybe its too short, or maybe it's too academic, or maybe I didn't do this. You know what I mean?

Dr. Regina Bradely:

All these things but then I'm kind of just like well, shit's out there now. It's kind of like well, it's out there now and I've just been very fortunate to have, you have the folks who want to talk out beside of their neck, the thumb thugs, you know what I mean? But for the most part, hearing folks be like, you know what? this is the first time I've actually seen myself in a study about hip hop because I'm southern.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

Makes me feel like it was worth it. Makes me feel like what I did in the book was accessible enough that it's academic but also it touches those folks who I grew up with. So all I can say... hope it answered your question. It was needed. I was sick about hearing about New York and everybody and those folks trying to use New York to validate what's going on in the South and I'm like, that's lazy. You know what I mean? I didn't want a lazy analysis of the South in hip hop. So hopefully Chronicling Stankonia isn't a lazy analysis, you know what I'm saying?

Amena Brown:

Was not a lazy analysis to me. I want to ask you about why is it important in particular for southern hip hop to be studied from an academic lens? I'm curious about that because I did an interview on a podcast a couple of years ago and the host asked me do I consider myself a southern poet?

Amena Brown:

And no one had ever asked me that but then when I looked back through my work, I mean, when you grow up in the South, when your family roots are here even when you're not intending to write from that lens, you just do. There were just certain things that were showing up in the work about the soil and the dirt and some of the food and the trees and some of those things, even in a random love poem somewhere, there's that tree that you remember from your grandmother's yard, or whatever that is and there's all those different elements that make up what it means to be from the South and then in particular the other layer of what it means to be Black and southern.

Amena Brown:

I love that that's a part of your bio that you are a daughter of the Black American South which I think is important. Why do you think its important for southern hip hop to be studied from an academic lens?

Dr. Regina Bradely:

Well, because they try to make it seem like hip hop is universal and in a way it is but how hip hop is applied to the culture is not universal. And that's what I want to make sure that the book comes across saying is that hip hop is great. I'm not taking away anything that has happened with hip hop in New York. I know that New York is the Mecca for hip hop but just because it happens in New York doesn't mean it's going to take root and blossom in the same way in Georgia soil, in Alabama soil, in Mississippi soil the way that it does in the boroughs, you know what I'm saying?

Dr. Regina Bradely:

But then I also just was like I said earlier I was just tired of hip hop studies being centered in this bi-coastal idea. That hip hop only exists on coasts and I'm like, what about everywhere else? In the same vein I'm like the way that I write about the South I'm hoping... and that's where the end of the book comes in. I'm like, I'm hoping this opens up the door.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

Come to the table and eat. You know what I'm saying? I can't talk about Mississippi or Texas the way that somebody from there can. You know what I'm saying? Its important and then also there's other different regional manifestations of hip hop culture. You know what I'm saying? I want to know about the Midwest. How is it in Ohio or Detroit? And what's that look like and how does that pop off? You know what I'm saying?

Dr. Regina Bradely:

I want to read from those perspectives and then put all of that in conversation, you know what I mean? But unfortunately right now it's like this is the thing with the academy, is the academy is so slow it's always playing catch up, you know what I mean? Outside of the academy 30 years seems like a long time because we're knocking on the 30th anniversary of Tricia Rose's Black Noice, right? In the academy that's still hella young. That's almost infantile. You know what I'm saying? It's like oh, okay if you think about the long history with the academy means scholastic inquiry and then you have hip hop.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

Hip hop's still extremely young in the academy but to do southern hip hop that means we're still in the womb so to speak.

Amena Brown:

Right.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

You know what I'm saying? So I'm hoping that this book will open up doors and open up more conversation to critically engage the South and also to recognize the stigmas and the biases that are associated just with the region itself. It's not necessarily just for the culture but from the region itself. The South makes people uncomfortable especially folks what aren't routed or invested in the South.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

It's the scapegoat. It's the boogieman. You know what I'm saying? Because there's that anxiety about it, then there's an assumption that the culture reflects those stigmas and those anxieties. You know what I'm saying? And then I'm like well, that might be part of it but that's not the totality of it.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

Of course you're going to have racial violence and racial trauma in the South but that's not the totality of what it means to be southern and Black is to be victimized and try the find a way to escape. That's what was missing in conversations scholastically is that folks would rather pick up a Richard Wright or an Alice Walker and focus on the trauma and I'm like what about the joy?

Amena Brown:

Yes.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

The joy's what gets you through the trauma.

Amena Brown:

Come on Regina.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

What about the joy? What about the music? What about the culture? What about the idea that Black folks in the South... community is so important. You know what I'm saying? When people ask you who your people live.

Amena Brown:

Really?

Dr. Regina Bradely:

That is so often than active. Well, one if you come from a big family they want to make sure that you aren't dating nobody in the family. But also it's giving folks an idea about where you're from. You know what I mean?

Dr. Regina Bradely:

It used to get on my nerves when I was younger if I was dating a dude and I brought him home to my grandparents and my grandad would come... so my grandad was a man of very few words, you know what I mean? He would literally be like, hey, how are you doing? He would judge you on your handshake or not, you know what I'm saying? And then the next immediate question is, well, who your people with?

Amena Brown:

Okay.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

My grandparents are educators so they probably knew your people especially if you was from Albany, you know what I mean? But it was also like, let me see where I can put you at so that I can see if you're worthy enough to date my granddaughter but also, if you're worth a grain of salt period.

Amena Brown:

Right, right.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

You know what I'm saying? So I'll be like, all of those nuances, all of those sensibilities are often overlooked or not even recognized in a larger conversation about hip hop culture in general and I wanted to use those to frame why southern hip hop stands apart and why we need to study it. Also why I'm not the only one who needs to study it.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

There's this whole highlighter thing that's going on in the academy. You know what I mean? And I'm like I don't want to be the only one. That's a lot of work. That's a lot of pressure-

Amena Brown:

Right.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

... because that means you need to know everything. That's impossible, you know what I'm saying? I want to be one of the ones... you know what I mean? So I'm hoping that Chronicling Stankonia opens the door. There are a shit ton of new younger scholars who are still in graduate school, who are just getting started, who are brilliant who are thinking about the South and southernness and how it relates to hip hop and just music. I'm like just use me as the stepping stone. Don't use me as the gatekeeper. You know what I'm saying?

Amena Brown:

[crosstalk 00:41:08].

Dr. Regina Bradely:

I don't want to be no gatekeeper. That's too much work. You've got to bitter to be a gate keeper. I mean, where's [crosstalk 00:41:18]? You didn't do this. The only way I be like, you didn't do this, if you're legit or just was lazy with it. Then I'll be like, come on folk this is... if you're out here legitimately breaking new ground, I don't got nothing to say. I be like, oh okay. But if you lazy then okay, I might be a little bit of a gatekeeper. I'm not a gatekeeper, I feel like I'm a bouncer at a club. I don't want-

Amena Brown:

Okay.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

... to be gatekeeper I feel like I want to be the bouncer at the club. I'm going to be like, let me see how you get in.

Amena Brown:

Let me look at you and your friends before you get in.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

[crosstalk 00:41:49]. Who are your friends? Are they on the list?

Amena Brown:

That's what we need is a bouncer honey. That's what we need is a culture bouncer, Regina. Yes.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

Bouncer. I don't need no gatekeeper just give me bouncer. You know what I'm saying?

Amena Brown:

I live please. I think this is one of the reasons... and you all listening, this is one of the reasons that I think your work is so important because-

Dr. Regina Bradely:

Thank you.

Amena Brown:

... I think its important for us to be able to look at I think there lots of layers to this. Especially when I got to that last section of your book, when you're expounding upon this phrase that, many of us in the South were just so exhilarated to hear that the South still has something to say. You added that still into that-

Dr. Regina Bradely:

[crosstalk 00:42:40].

Amena Brown:

... phrase, that many of us remember watching on that award show, right? It was Andre 3000 saying, "The South got something to say." And I just felt like, we do. And getting to the end of your book and you saying, "And that's still true. The South still has something to say."

Dr. Regina Bradely:

Still has something to say.

Amena Brown:

Getting to the end of your book and reading that it made me hope for two things Regina. It made me hope that yes, that we will see more books like yours. That we will see more of this kind of academic intellectual analysis of this music and this art. As a hip hop culture fan, I want to see more MCs able to return to where they're from, and let their voices sound like that and let the slang of whatever that area is sound like that.

Amena Brown:

I would love to see that return to hip hop even more too because I think that was beautiful for those of us that were growing up in the 90s. That was beautiful for us to hear that Snoop doesn't sound the same as 8Ball and MJG sound as Method Man sounds as crucial conflict sounded. Everybody had this different way they approached it because they felt like they had to take their city or region on their back and carry it into their music.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

Right.

Amena Brown:

And just reading your analysis and your storytelling here I was like man I hope we see a return of that too.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

I think the initial challenge which is something I'm not equipped to write about. This is why I'm saying I'm trying to kick the door open for these folks coming up behind me is that, we're in the era of the digital South now. You know what I'm saying? It's not just physically restricted to what's going on regionally.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

I mean, the region is accessible by everybody, you know what I'm saying? From the explosion of trap to international hip hop genre to folks from New York borrowing and some folks straight up stealing from the South. You know what I'm saying? I think that all of that is important in how we renegotiate what regional identity means to the culture. But I will say that, the way that folks represent it from where they were from, the hyper locality, you know what I'm saying? Of region in 90s and early 2000s isn't necessary because we got social media. You know what I'm saying?

Dr. Regina Bradely:

It's not like we have to wait to her an album to understand the super local drops that people give in their music. Now it's kind of like, all right let me go to Google Earth. Let me go on Tik Tok. Let me see what it actually looks like, where that active imagining spaces where the way the imagination takes root is different, because of social media. You know what I'm saying? And I'm not the one to write about that because I didn't grow up in a social media era of southern rap. You know what-

Amena Brown:

Right.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

... I mean? So that's somebody else's project. It isn't my project. I will tell you quick, I'll be like, look, I can't talk about some of these younger folks man. My cut off date is 2008 when I started my PhD.

Amena Brown:

Come on [crosstalk 00:45:45].

Dr. Regina Bradely:

PhD program. I mean, listen don't be out here having me looking a hot mess, you know what I'm saying? Ass out, because, I'm going to look at you like, No, I can't. Some of the newer folks and I'd be like I listen to them is passing but I'm not going to be able to give you an analysis like I could give you an analysis about Outkast. You know what I mean?

Amena Brown:

Right.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

That's somebody else's career. That's somebody else's work and I ain't trying to take that because I can't do it. Know your limits, know your boundaries.

Amena Brown:

Okay. Okay. And that's how you open the door for others because you're like this is my stuff that I'm going to do. You going to come along-

Dr. Regina Bradely:

This is my area.

Amena Brown:

... [crosstalk 00:46:21] stuff to do. Okay. I get it. Regina thank you so much for joining me on the podcast-

Dr. Regina Bradely:

It was fun. Thank you [crosstalk 00:46:28].

Amena Brown:

... for talking to us about all this southern hip hop. I hope you all were taking all the notes so that you all can number one, buy a few copies of this book because five is a good number. You could go to your favorite independent bookseller, buy five of them. You got one then you got four that you could give to somebody. It's like a gift.

Amena Brown:

Okay. Work on that, and then you could listen to this music. So while you reading the book you can be educated. But Regina thank you for this work you are doing for shining a light on the South and on hip hop culture here for even just hearing your voice and the southernness in your voice and in the writing in your book. That gives a lot of joy to those of us who are from down here. So thank you so much.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

That means that I did my job. The South still has something to say and I just hope that folks realize that we're talking to each other. You know what I'm saying? And that's what's equally important. This one thing I was very clear about is I knew I had to write somewhat academically but I didn't want it to be the totality of what I was saying.

Dr. Regina Bradely:

And it seems like I struck a good enough balance that we could have conversation like this. You know what I mean? Because these are the type of conversation that I want to have about the work. You know what I mean? So thank you for the opportunity to chop it up with you and laugh. I mean, all that's part of southern hip hop too. So just thank you for the opportunity as well.

Amena Brown:

Thank you again so much to Dr. Regina Bradley for joining me in bringing intellectual conversation about southern hip hop to the table. I'm just sorry that she and I could not have had biscuits which probably would have been one of our southern dishes of choice, had we literally been in the HER living room together.

Amena Brown:

You can learn more about Dr. Bradley's work at her website redclayscholar.com. You can also follow regina on twitter @redclayscholar. And if you forget all this stuff that I just said remember you can go to amenabrown.com/herwithamena. The show notes are there with links to some of this music as well as links to check out more of Dr. Regina Bradley's work. And if you aren't following me on social media on Twitter, on Instagram @amenabee you should. Go follow. Let's be friends.

Amena Brown:

For this week's edition of Give Her a Crown and in honor of our conversation in this episode about southern hip hop I want to shut out one of my favorite rappers from the South Grammy Award winning hip hop artist Rapsody. Born and raised in North Carolina, Rapsody's rap career has been on the rise for many years.

Amena Brown:

Right now my favorite album of hers is her latest album Eve and my favorite song from the album is Whoopi where she raps over a sample of one of my favorite jazz songs, Watermelon Man by Herbie Hancock. Each of the songs on Eve are named for a Black woman hero of Rapsody's. You should definitely give this a listen. Rapsody, thank you for bringing your southernness, your storytelling and for honoring hip hop culture through your music. Rapsody, give her a crown.

Amena Brown:

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen from Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown episode 81

Amena Brown:

Welcome y'all back to another episode of HER With Amena Brown. And those of you that have been listening to the podcast for a while, you know that I always talk about how when we are gathered here listening to the podcast, we are in our HER living room. But in my house, my living room is actually an open room that opens into the kitchen. And with today's guest, I feel like we're in our HER living room and we are also adjacent to the kitchen. So, I'm so excited to have all of the conversation. Palestinian author and writer, whose work has won awards from James Beard in PR and the Guild of Food Writers, I want you to welcome author of The Palestinian Table, and her latest book, The Arabesque Table, Reem Kassis.

Reem Kassis:

Thank you, Amena.

Amena Brown:

Oh, my gosh, Reem. First of all, let me tell y'all that are listening here that Reem and I have a mutual friend who has regaled me with your amazingness for a long time, Reem, actually. Our friend, Lyric, shout out to Lyric, she is a fantastic culture and food journalist, a photographer, writer. She's amazing. And she and I also just love to talk food.

Reem Kassis:

She and I love to eat food.

Amena Brown:

Okay. It's like a bonding in our friendship that we're just always discussing what we're eating. And so, she had told me about you and your work a while ago, and then when she reached out, like, "Hey, Reem's book is coming out." And as soon as she started talking, I was like, "Yes, whatever you're about to say, yes. Do I want to interview Reem? Yes.

Reem Kassis:

She knows the most amazing people, and she told me about you as well. She's been talking about you for a while, and she's like, "I have this friend, do you want to be on her podcast?" And I was like, "Absolutely. I mean, I don't even need to know anything else. If you recommend her, it's 100%. So, I guess we were both on the same page there.

Amena Brown:

Completely meant to be. And I'm just, y'all, first of all, I have to tell you, podcasting is, it's a limited situation because there's no way for Reem and I to talk and show you how beautiful Reem's books are. I mean, gorgeous. Okay. It is a wonderful combination of this writing, and the recipes are there, and the images are just gorgeous. So, even having looked at the images, I'm like, I really wish that it was not a pandemic, that I could be in the kitchen with you, Reem. I also want to just speak out here and to the listeners that I know there are executives who work in television listening to this podcast, and you need to go ahead and make a TV show of Reem Kassis. So, I'm just talking out here, and I need you to do it, and mainly selfishly so that I can be a guest.

Reem Kassis:

So I can finally cook for you in person.

Amena Brown:

Okay. I'm going to be there messing up everything, eating all of it. I want to talk about some of the themes in your work, and I just really identified with a lot of those themes, and I want to talk also about your latest book, because I want people to get a chance to hear a bit about the inspiration behind it. I really identify with the fact that you wrote your first book, and then you were like, "That might be it."

Reem Kassis:

Yeah, pretty much.

Amena Brown:

You were like, "I don't know if this is coming back." So, I want to start with that. Can you talk about what was your journey into book writing? Did you see yourself ever getting into that? Were you, I'm using the air quotes here, dragged, kicking and screaming? Were there other people in your life that were like, "Reem, we would love for you to write more, share these stories more"? I mean, how did that become a part of the food journey, the writing?

Reem Kassis:

It's interesting because, for those who don't know me, my background was not in writing or in food at all. I did grow up in a literary family, if you will. My grandfather was a children's author, and he was very well recognized back home. So, those always felt like big shoes to fill. I loved reading, I loved writing, but it was not something I thought I would pursue professionally. And then I went to undergrad in the U.S., I got my MBA, I worked in consulting, and it wasn't until my first daughter was born, and I was on maternity leave for a year because London's amazing like that, and that's where we were living at the time, that I started working on this book.

Reem Kassis:

And it actually didn't start out as a book, it started out as my desire to put together my family's recipes and stories in a medium that she could have with her wherever she went in the world. And I think when I saw them all come together, I realized, "Okay, these are my family's recipes, they're stories, but taken together as a whole, they could be the story of any Palestinian family. And it's a story that is most often not heard and very different to the one we're used to, and I felt a sense of responsibility to share that with the world. And that's how that first book came to be in a very simplistic way.

Reem Kassis:

Obviously, the journey was a lot messier than it sounds in hindsight, but that's why I always said I thought it would be my first and last book because it wasn't something that I jumped into with the idea that I'm going to turn this into a career. And then once the book came out, obviously, I did interviews, and podcasts, and people would ask questions like, "What is the difference between Palestinian cuisine and Lebanese or Syrian?" And I started digging into this whole idea of food history, and I was shocked at what I realized, which is that the lens through which we look at cuisine is very distorted because it only looks back in the range of 100 to 200 years. But cuisine is so much older than that. The very idea of national cuisine is a relatively recent construct.

Reem Kassis:

So, with this new book, I wanted to grasp in a way or showcase what a modern Arab table looks like. What do we eat at home today as Palestinians who live abroad, who have access to certain ingredients but not others, who have friends from one part of the world and another? And at the same time, I realized, if I want to show that with integrity, I have to trace the history of these dishes. And that's where the idea for this book came from and how it evolved into the one that you see today.

Amena Brown:

Reem, you voiced just now something that really meant a lot to me in your work, that you didn't want your writing to be disconnected from history. And I just think that's so powerful. And I mean, also, I am a person that's very inspired by old things, but I think a part of it is because, to me, it feels hard to make or write or capture, if I'm not also aware, or bringing into this space. This is not a new thing we're doing. Even if we are here now, where there are these types of appliances or these ways our homes may be set up now, we are doing a thing that has historically been done as well. And I love that connection.

Reem Kassis:

I mean, cuisine in general, I mean, it's also, it runs so deep. And if you look at its past, it is very cross-cultural, it is very integrated, right? You learn from other people. Your circumstances, occupations, wars, empires, they influence it. So, knowing your history and cherishing it is not mutually exclusive with evolving and changing. And I guess that was the point I was trying to get across because you see so many people who will cook a certain dish and either attribute it to one cuisine or completely forget to attribute it to a certain cuisine as if recognizing the history detract from the beauty of what we have today. And I think it's the opposite.

Reem Kassis:

Seeing how much something has changed, and understanding its rich past makes us appreciate it all the more, even if that pass is not always a pleasant one, which, in many cases, it's not.

Amena Brown:

Right, right. I think the other thing that I want to talk to you about also in the idea of how, especially when we're talking about food, and we can't talk about culture without talking about food, and then we can't talk about food without talking about culture, I mean, they're just so interconnected that way, but when we're talking about food and culture interlinked together, I think in particular, and I don't know if this is an American thing, a West thing, a colonization thing. I just don't know. But I'm going to bring it up here because I'm interested to hear your thoughts about this. Even for me, I love to cook, but I'm a home cook. I love to say, "I might make ugly food, but it still tastes amazing." I don't really plate.

Reem Kassis:

I don't either.

Amena Brown:

I'm just like, "Here is everything. It's delicious. I don't know what it looks like, but it's here."

Reem Kassis:

Tastes good.

Amena Brown:

Exactly. And as I've grown as a home cook, and sometimes have desire to cook things from other countries or other cultures, I've noticed how it can sometimes take a little more digging to get to the writers and chefs that are actually native to that culture, or are native to that country where you're actually getting to hear from them how we make this, what is the history of this? That there are other sites, I won't name their names here, but other sites that exist there, that you're like, "Oh, I'm going to find this particular dish." And then you get there, and it's somebody, wherever they live, in the middle of wherever, and they're like, "Here's how I make this."

Amena Brown:

And then when you actually read that from a writer that's writing about what they ate of this in their family of origin home, or growing up in their mother, aunt's, grandmother's kitchen, and I think that is also really integral to your work and why I am so glad your voice exists, because we want to hear about this from you. We don't want to hear about it from someone who, this is not home, this is not family to them. Why do you think that's important for writers like yourself to share these stories from your own upbringing, your own cultural experience?

Reem Kassis:

I think it's a couple of things. I mean, for starters, you can't divorce food from culture, because so much of it is dependent on the context. So many of the dishes that I will talk about, it's not just a sum of the ingredients and the way that the dish tastes or it looks like, it's also what it signifies. What occasions is it eaten on? What history does it tell? How did it change over time? There are dishes now, which I talk about in the book, made with rice. But traditionally, my grandfather tells me, they were so poor that rice was something reserved for the wealthy. They only ate bulgur grains.

Reem Kassis:

And someone coming from outside the culture trying to tell you a certain story about a dish, he might cover or she might cover just the way that dish is cooked today, and forget all that history that brought it to the point that we're seeing. But also, other than that, I mean, what I notice sometimes is, you look at a certain dish, and you can bring 10 Palestinians, and each of us will tell you, "Oh, no, no, no, this is the way it's supposed to be made. And this is the way my mother makes it." And they're all right. There's nothing wrong with them. I always say this, especially about maqluba, which is considered one of the national dishes of Palestine, there are probably as many versions of it as there are families in the country, which is totally okay in my mind.

Reem Kassis:

And then I struggle sometimes, I think, "Well, what about if someone wants to convey that dish to the Western world, and that person is not Palestinian? Is that wrong? Or is that right?" I wish the answer was clear-cut black and white, it's wrong, it's right. I think if you're someone who has immersed yourself in that culture, if you are a non-Palestinian who has lived in the country, lived amongst its people, understood that culture, and you're doing it justice, I don't have a problem with that. Some people will disagree with me and they'll say, "No, you have absolutely no right." But then you start drawing a line where there's no creativity, and there's no interaction. And cuisine was not meant to be that way. It never was.

Reem Kassis:

The issue I have is when someone gives you a dish that does not, A, recognize the origin, is not even remotely close to what the people in the country eat. And then once you bring in the issue of profit, who's benefiting from it? And I'm not just talking financially, I'm talking publicity-wise, who's getting the recognition for it? If you're getting it at the expense of the people who have provided you with this, then we start to have an issue.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Oof, that's such a great point. And even for people that might, to use the example you gave there, for people who might be non-Palestinian, that may want to share this such-and-such recipe, it's like, if you were immersed in the culture, if you have been immersed in a culture that isn't your own, then the hope would be that you even walk into whatever that page or writing space is with this sense of honor, which, to what you were talking about in your own writing process, that is still connected to history, that is still connected to the culture in which the food is rooted, which I think is so powerful and so beautiful.

Amena Brown:

I also want to talk about home, because that is this theme that comes up a lot in your work, and it's also a topic that fascinates me because I was a kid that moved around a lot growing up, and then before the pandemic anyway, I was traveling mostly, became a performing artist that traveled a lot. So, my sense of home is very... I mean, sometimes I look at it and think like it's fractured on some levels because it wasn't like I grew up in this home from being born until I got out of high school or something, and then went into my adulthood and made that place home, it was sort of like, all these different places became home to me. But I'm always interested in how we talk about home because there are so many different ways to define that, that sometimes that is a very specific place.

Amena Brown:

Like, I was actually talking with my sister the other day about how home is very specifically for me in my mother's house. And it's like, wherever my mother's house is, if it's down the street, if it's-

Reem Kassis:

That's home.

Amena Brown:

Wherever she is in her house, when I step across the threshold, I am at home. When you think of home, what are, could be one place for you, could be specific places, but what are the specific concrete places you think, "Oh, that feels like home to me"?

Reem Kassis:

It's interesting you say it's where your mom is, because for me, it's a combination of location, as well as people. My mother used to always say, "For me, home is where my kids are." My grandmother used to say the same thing. She would say, "Holidays are when my kids are together." So, there's a sense of home is where the people that you love and care most for are. With that said, I noticed, I live outside Philadelphia now with my husband and two daughters who I care about more than anything in the world, but I constantly feel uprooted. I don't feel home. And I think, in large part, and I talk to my husband about this all the time, I say like, "Where are the roots? Where is the family, the history that ties me to this place?" And it's not here.

Reem Kassis:

And if I go back to my paternal or maternal grandparents' villages, I grew up in Jerusalem. So, I didn't grow up in those villages. But I go there, my grandmother, my great-grandmother, her mother, everyone is rooted to that place. Everyone knows everyone. You are born and you die in that place. And I used to look at that, like, "Oh, my God, I want to get out. I want to see the world. This is so claustrophobic." And now that I've left and I've seen everything, I realize how much value there is in being in a place that can be traced so far back that gives you a sense of place and meaning.

Reem Kassis:

So, for me, the places that really mean home are the people. It's obviously my parents, my brother, and my husband, my kids, but when I'm back home in Jerusalem in particular, it's where I grew up, so, in the old city, that's associated with so many pleasant memories for me that it screams home when I go there, but then also the villages that my grandparents are from. They're very different. It's very rural, it's very communal, it's changed over the years. But when I'm there, I feel a sense of belonging that I don't always feel in other places. But then the flip side of that is having lived so long outside, I also feel like an outsider when I go home.

Reem Kassis:

And I'm constantly straddling this divide and it's not an easy place to live in. People look from the outside and think, "Oh, it's glamorous. You live in one place, you travel to another." But it's actually, it's almost a burden on some days.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. On a level, I'll say, I get that, not as much having the international elements of that, but having grown up visiting where my parents both grew up in North Carolina, that that was home for them. But because my grandmother was there, it felt like home to me. But of my mom's siblings, I think we moved around the most, my mom and my sister and I. So, we were always rotating around that. And there were times where we would come home and be with our, what would, I guess, be like second cousins. By the time, you get to like your second and third cousins. We had enough family in North Carolina that that's what it was like there. And feeling like, "Oh, my voice sounds very different."

Reem Kassis:

Right? The accent. Yes.

Amena Brown:

Right? From their voices. And I remember the town that my grandmother was from, and my parents both are from that same place, where they would go for fun to like this particular skating rink. And I was living in bigger cities with my mom by that time, where it's kind of like, "Oh, that's all you have, is this little skating rink? Oh." But to my cousins, it's like, that skating rink's everything, because that's where everybody of a certain age is going to have fun on a weekend. And those different aspects are so interesting to how we find home, hearing you talk about that, just this duality there of like, there is something about the air there, and the soil there that feels home to me.

Reem Kassis:

Absolutely.

Amena Brown:

But there is this element of like, "But this is not where I grew up, or I really went to school." Maybe one year, I went to school there living with my grandmother, but otherwise. I want to also ask, as we're talking about home, I want to talk about the kitchen. And I'm riveted by how there is this generation of womanhood in your writing, Reem, that it is you as a mother, to your daughters, the things that you want them to know, but it is you remembering yourself as a young girl in these kitchen moments with your mother, and your grandmothers, and so on. Can you talk about, what's the scene like in the kitchen with the other women in your family? Obviously, it's the place where like, is the food getting prepared? Is the food getting cooked? It is. Are other womanhood lessons happening there in the kitchen? And what were some of those that you remember, or that you experience now even with your own children?

Reem Kassis:

The experience is very different because I like to have my girls in the kitchen, and I like teaching them and talking to them. For my mother's generation and my grandmother's generation, it was, "Get out of the kitchen."

Amena Brown:

Really?

Reem Kassis:

My grandmother was not that way with my mother, but my mother was that way with me because she looked at my generation as the one that was going to get out of the kitchen and was going to do something. So, if I tried to cook, it was, "Li, go study. This is not your thing." When I mentioned that I was thinking to write a cookbook or do something with food, my mother's response was, "Who goes and gets an MBA to end up in the kitchen?" Of course, she backtracks and says she never said that, or she said it, she didn't mean it that way. And it's a point we talk about all the time. And I mention this in the book, it wasn't just her, it was everyone in society back then. Someone telling my father, "Why send her to the U.S. for university? She is going to end up in the kitchen anyway."

Reem Kassis:

So, there was that element of it. But as most kids will tell you, whatever you're not supposed to do, you want to do. And so, I wanted to be in the kitchen. I wanted to see what they were cooking. It's also where you heard all the gossip, right? Because that's where the women are, so, that's where you learn about things you're not necessarily supposed to learn at certain ages. I remember my grandmother had this, I guess you would call it a pantry these days, but it was a room above her fridge. You had to climb on a ladder to get to it. And my cousins and I would hide in there. And of course, we'd listen in on to everything that the women were saying. And other times, we'd run in and out of the kitchen, we'd try to help out, but the women would shoo us and whatnot.

Reem Kassis:

But once you get older, they start relying on you a bit more and you start to learn some of the tips and tricks. Although, for me, most of the learning was visual and auditory. I wasn't actually helping out in the kitchen. I think the first time I cooked, I was an undergrad, and I wanted to make maqluba in my dorm kitchen. I don't even know how I pulled it off, but it was long before Zoom and FaceTime, and my mother goes at one point, "It's cheaper for me to get a ticket and come cook it for you than to pay your long-distance phone bills. Stop calling to ask how to make it." But I learned along the way.

Reem Kassis:

I mean, it's something that, there's this concept in Arabic called nafas, which it means, it's similar to breath or air, but in the context of cooking, it talks about something that a cook will impart into the food part of their spirit, their love, their generosity. And I feel if someone has that, their food will turn out very good, even if you don't have that much experience, and obviously, you hone it through time and through cooking.

Amena Brown:

Hmm, I love that. I love that there was that little nook to hide in.

Reem Kassis:

And listen, now that I think about it.

Amena Brown:

Because it was like when you were a little girl and the women in the family are gathering, I mean, it just feels like that's a place to be. They're going to be in there talking about all sorts of stuff that is going on.

Reem Kassis:

Oh, yes. Everything. Who did what? And who in the village? And what the latest gossip is. And it was a simple time, but fascinating nonetheless.

Amena Brown:

Okay, Reem, you shared a little bit about this before, but can you talk about what the experience was like for you making the career shift that led to where you are now as an author? I just found that part of your story, I found it so fascinating, but I also think there are a lot of people listening that are in this kind of in-between place before that shift happens. So, can you talk about, what was the shift where... I feel like in your story, there's sort of this like, "Before time, before this, that was really different." And then, how did you find yourself finding, in a way, it seemed from your story, and you can tell me if I'm describing this accurately, but it seems like you were finding your way back as you were finding your way forward. So, what was that change like? Were you afraid when you felt the change coming?

Reem Kassis:

Absolutely. I'm still afraid, if we're being honest. And that's one thing I want to preface my answer with, which people will look at someone who has transitioned and is "on the other side," or has accomplished something, and they'll think, "Oh, it looks easy." Or, "Oh, it looks great." But it's a struggle, and it's still is for a lot of reasons which I'll get into. But like I told you, I left Jerusalem wanting to prove to anyone who thought otherwise that a woman's place was not in the kitchen, that she could achieve professional success in other domains, that you could be in a male's world and do well. And I was on that track. I mean, I did my undergrad at Penn, I did my MBA at Wharton straight out of undergrad, which is very uncommon. I worked at McKinsey.

Reem Kassis:

So, I ticked every single box, and then I think it hit me at some point soon after I started working in consulting that, "Here I am ticking all these boxes, but they're somebody else's boxes, not mine. This isn't what makes me happy." And I was lucky enough for I was able to leave and transition to something else, but it was very scary when I first started out because there was no guarantee that it was going to work out. I was also, by the time that I decided to make this transition, I was married, and the issue of financially supporting myself on my own wasn't a big thing. And people don't talk about this, but taking a risk like this, it requires either a willingness to really tie in, bootstrap your life, or you're going to have to find a way to make ends meet if you're financially dependent or not financially independent.

Reem Kassis:

So, that was one part of it, which is something that needs to be talked about. How do you allow someone who wants to pursue their creative arts, to be able to make a living? And I get really angry when I think about this, that why is it that someone who's producing, let's just call it widgets, or a tech app, or whatnot, is able to go out there and raise insane amounts of money, but someone who is producing art, which is what I would argue makes life worth living, maybe it doesn't move the economy or boost it, but it's what gives our life meaning and purpose, why is that not valued in the same monetary terms?

Reem Kassis:

And when I say to you it's still difficult for me today, this is one of the issues where I look at people I went to school with, who remained in those careers, who've made partner at those firms, which I could've already been at that point had I stayed. And obviously, as a food writer, you're not in that same bracket when it comes financially. And I think I judge myself based on those things because I was conditioned to do that. For five years, I was in an environment that equated success with money. And it's hard to transition to a point where you equate success with something else with contribution. And that's what I think. I think what's helped me is thinking, "In 50 years, or in 100 years, when I'm not here, will there still be a part of me that's remembered, that's recognized?"

Reem Kassis:

And I think when you contribute something to society in any kind of art, whether it's books, performance art, painting, and music, those are things that can last forever. Not that the other work is not important, but I felt there were a hundred people who could do the job I was doing professionally, but not that many people who could be the same mother to my kids, and also produce for my people and my community the thing that I signed my hands up. Sorry, that was heavy, and a lot.

Amena Brown:

No, it didn't feel heavy to me, Reem, but it feels powerful, and it feels very honest, because I think when we're having conversations about, insert buzzwords here, about dreams, about passions, about calling, about what that looks like in our vocations, it has been really important to me, and particularly on this podcast, because women of color are here sharing their own stories and experiences, and I'm sharing some of mine too, that we have some honest talks about what that actually looks like. I worked in corporate for a while doing communications for a big Fortune 500, and I was so excited like for the first time to be getting paid, at that time, what felt like paid so well to be writing, and then six months in was like, "Wow, I hate this. I hate this."

Amena Brown:

And then quitting and going broke. I did an episode walking through people like, people see you at the book signing or they see your name on whatever the articles and different awards are, they see your name there, and they're like, "Oh, goodness." And you're like, "Well, behind the scenes, what that really means."

Reem Kassis:

"This is what it looks like."

Amena Brown:

"Some struggles were had. Even the day before set award was received, I was actually-

Reem Kassis:

Yes, exactly.

Amena Brown:

... doing these things." So, I think and hope that it's helpful for people to hear. It's not to say, don't pursue this thing that you feel passionate about that may not have this equation to how it's going to be, air quotes, how other people might define success. It's not to say, don't pursue those things or look to make these shifts. It's to say, there's rough and tumble along the journey. Right?

Reem Kassis:

There's rough and tumble in every path you decide to take. And I think it's recognizing that there is not a single career path in this world that you will take that will be smooth sailing the whole way through.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Reem Kassis:

Yeah, okay, I have my name on books, and I go to book signings and whatnot, but you know what I do at home? I wash the dishes, and I have to. All day long, that's what I do. I'm cleaning up my stove when I forget a pot and it boils. This is what day-to-day life looks like. It's not the glamorous book signings. And then when you're in corporate America or the corporate world anywhere, I was working 16-hour days. And I remember, like you were saying, thinking, "Oh, my God, I'm getting paid so well, I can afford anything I want to buy now." But suddenly, all those things I thought I wanted to buy, the designer clothes and handbags and shoes, I had no desire to even wear them, and just my life felt so meaningless at that point that that stuff could not fill whatever gap I was feeling.

Reem Kassis:

And if there's one thing I've noticed is, it's when you start doing something that thinks of someone else more than you, or something that gives back, you find a sense of meaning much more than when you're pursuing things that are purely hedonistic, just for your own satisfaction.

Amena Brown:

I love you brought up the word meaning. I think that's important when we're thinking about what do we want to do in the world, in our communities? And I think it is about, is it meaningful? And of course, I get it, not everything we do is going to be meaningful. Even in my current writer event life, I mean, I'm sure, for all of us that are in creative space, I mean, there are all sorts of gigs and different things that you take something so they can pay the bills. You do that. But I think it's good for us to think about, "What are the things in my life, whether it's my vocation or not, that I want to do because it's meaningful, because it means something to me, or because I think it would mean something to my people or to my community?" I think that's so important.

Amena Brown:

Reem, let's talk about The Arabesque Table. Okay? What was the writing process like for The Arabesque Table? And I'm just going to tell you, I've never written a cookbook or anything with recipes in it, so, I don't know that part, but I have written two books, and it's a wild time for me. It's like, I feel like I start out eating a lot of carbohydrates, because I'm just like, "Oh, why would I do this to myself?" It's a lot of stress. There's a lot of beautiful ideas I had when I was sketching out the book, and then I get to actually writing it, and it doesn't sound like that at all.

Reem Kassis:

It's just so much better in your head than when you put it on paper. I know.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. So, talk to me, what was your writing process like? After you've envisioned The Arabesque Table, what was it like when you actually had to sit down and do the writing?

Reem Kassis:

Here's the funny thing, The Arabesque Table was not the book I initially envisioned, and I'm so glad it wasn't. A lot of the things I'm telling you about the history and how much of it, I integrated in the book, and also the idea of positioning it as Arab versus middle Eastern, that came throughout the writing process. So, in a way, not knowing what you're doing sometimes is a blessing.

Amena Brown:

Okay. That's encouraging everyone. Remember, sometimes not knowing what you're doing can be a blessing. I'm going to take that home with me, Reem. Okay. Yes.

Reem Kassis:

I only say telling myself that. But the day-to-day process, look, it was a little bit harder than the first one for a couple of reasons. One was, the first book was taking recipes I'd grown up with and I knew, and just testing them, making sure they work, and getting exact ingredients for them. Here, it was developing a lot of recipes, guessing what might or might not work, and sometimes having to test it multiple times, all while cooking with kids who are four and six. With the first book, they were a newborn and two years old. They ate whatever I told them to eat, or they had milk and they were fine. Whereas now, it was constant complaints, and on top of recipe testing, you're cooking things that the kids will eat, but that was most of my day, and then my nights were transcribing all those recipes. And then the actual meat, I kept to the very end.

Reem Kassis:

So, that's when all the chapter intros, the introduction, that's when it all came together. And then, the introduction to the book did not happen until I was supposed to go home to Jerusalem in March for my photo shoot. And two days before, they issued a blanket quarantine, had to cancel our flights. We didn't even know if the book could come out when it was scheduled to. And I felt so much during that time, anger, frustration, and I was able to write the introduction through those feelings. And it's not the introduction I would have imagined at all, but somehow, it came out something so much better than I could have envisioned. So, another hopefully useful thing is sometimes just accept those feelings, live through them. Something beautiful can come out of it on the other side, if you will.

Reem Kassis:

But the writing mostly happened yet towards the tail end of it, and a lot of the writing happened when I was back home in Jerusalem. So, it's interesting, the recipes were tested abroad in the U.S., but then the more narrative part was written back home. And being able to see it from both angles or both sides, I guess, made the book what it was. It's modern, it's contemporary, it's cross-cultural, but it's also going far back in history.

Amena Brown:

Would you say location matters to your writing process? Did it do something different to you being home in Jerusalem writing and just being there, the air, the feeling of being there, and then being here in the U.S. writing, does that add a different something to your writing process?

Reem Kassis:

I think so. I mean, it's hard to scientifically explain how the writing process works. There're so many elements. It's like cooking. Why is it that if I cook a dish when I'm angry, it tastes one way, and if I'm happy, it tastes another way? And if I'm doing it in this kitchen, it's like this, and in another kitchen, it's like that? And I think writing is similar. It's not that being there changes the way I write, but the thoughts I have, the emotions I experience are different, and that comes through in the writing. And yes, smelling the air probably reminds me of certain memories when I was young that might not have been triggered in my mind had I been writing it in my apartment. So, in that sense, yes, absolutely, it does.

Amena Brown:

I was reading through a couple of the recipes in this book, and there's all this funny talk on the internet right now about when you go to like a blog to read a recipe, you're just like, "Pass, scroll, scroll, scroll."

Reem Kassis:

"Scroll, scroll. And now jump to the recipe."

Amena Brown:

"I don't want to read this, I just want to get to the recipe." But in reading your book, both are, I mean, in many blogs, they're also equally important, okay, but in your book, they are equally important. I mean, you had one of the recipes that I was reading through was for a certain type of salad, and in your intro, you were writing about, where does the idea for salad come from? What are the actual roots of that in ancient food? And you were giving us that context, and then you were like, "Here's why I'm doing what I'm doing with this recipe now for this sort of modern context."

Amena Brown:

Can you talk about, you've told us already how it's important to connect history to like what you're writing, can you talk about the process of these recipes and these stories and history that's going along there? What was that like? And what do you hope readers gain from getting to have those layers in this book?

Reem Kassis:

I think the book has about 130 or 125 recipes in it, I started out with over 200.

Amena Brown:

Whew.

Reem Kassis:

So, the process involved a lot of elimination, and people always ask, "How did you figure out which recipes you were going to keep in?" And I think the headnotes you alluded to were part of the reason certain recipes stayed and certain recipes went. It's, you have 250 pages, Amena. There's a limit to how much history you can convey. So, I guess what I picked and chose were the stories that charted that journey from past to present. So, rather than having five recipes whose headnotes talk about the origins of salad, I will pick one which explains how it's from Roman times, and salad is the Latin word for salt, and that's how vegetables are seasoned, and so on and so forth. I think a lot of it was trying to figure out, "How do I tell this story? Which snippets of information can showcase the specific points I wanted to get across?"

Reem Kassis:

And those points were a lot of the origins that certain foods we think belong to are actually completely inaccurate. Things like tomatoes. People think Italian food, they think pasta with tomato sauce, or even Arabic cuisine, they think tomato stews. Tomatoes didn't make their way to our part of the world till the 19th century.

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Reem Kassis:

And they're a result of the Colombian exchange or inquisition into the Americas. Same with other ingredients, chilies, they're not native to India or to Thailand. Coco is not native to Switzerland or Belgium. And it's fascinating to see the history of ingredients and crops, and that's why the book is broken up by ingredients because those are the ones that really show you the shift in the history of cuisine.

Amena Brown:

Why call the book The Arabesque Table? I want to ask on both words here, on Arabesque and table, why are both of these words important to the journey of this book?

Reem Kassis:

I think Arabesque is the most important word in that title. The table was similar to the first book. It was this idea that this is where you serve a meal, everyone's welcome at the table. It was the same publisher, so, it was a nice way to maintain the consistency. But Arabesque was very, very important, and I fought hard to get that title on the book because I wanted it to come across that this was not just another "Middle Eastern cookbook." And I also had an issue with the term, Middle East, because Middle East is a European, a Western imperialistic view of our part of the world in relation to the Easternmost colony of the British Empire, which was India. So, India is to the far East, Europe is Europe, and we're in the middle between the two, so, it became the Middle East. But it doesn't mean anything.

Reem Kassis:

And a lot of terms in the social sciences don't mean something concrete, but people use them. And in the culinary world, people use Middle East because it's essentially evocative and it eludes to certain things and certain dishes in your mind, but accurately, what combines and unites the food of our region is the acculturation under Arab culture and Islamic rule. So, I very much wanted the book to be Arab cuisine, and I wanted that to come into the title. With that said, to call it The Arab Table would also not be accurate. And here I am preaching about telling the truth and acknowledging the history. A lot of the recipes in this book are the result of cross-cultural interaction. They take inspiration from other cultures from travels. They're a modern way of eating, and arabesque alludes to the fact that it's Arab, but it's not 100% Arab.

Reem Kassis:

And then there's one other reason which I don't talk about in the book because, again, limited word space, but arabesque is a dance move in ballet, where you have one foot on the ground with a hand reaching forward and your other leg up in the air. And it felt to me, this was kind of a symbol of how you're rooted and you're grounded in history but you're still reaching towards the future trying to move forward, but it doesn't have to be either, or you can do both at the same time.

Amena Brown:

Ooh, that's imagery at the end right there. I mean, the whole thing that you shared there, I hope everyone listening is really hearing Reem and learning on this, because when we are here, for those of you that are listening that are in the West, you're in the States or in other parts of the West, there is so much of how we are being told to view other cultures, other nations, other parts of the world, that are not actually accurate to what it means to be there, to be from there. And so, I love that correction of being able to say, "Let's not say Middle Eastern, let's say arabesque." I also just love how the E-S-Q-U-E, I mean...

Reem Kassis:

Sounds so sophisticated, if you will.

Amena Brown:

It does a thing at the end.

Reem Kassis:

Very like, I don't know, it sounds like the banquets that they used to have in the past. And they really were very elaborate.

Amena Brown:

Oh, I love that. Reem, what would you say? People who are listening, they are needing to get this book. Just know that the outro is coming, and I'm going to be in the book. Everybody better take all their money. I'm going to be in there just like really giving everyone the information. But what do you hope that readers receive from The Arabesque Table as they... I mean, I would think, a book like The Arabesque Table, some people will read it cover to cover, some people might read through those beginning portions where you're setting the scene here, and then there'll be going in and out looking through the different recipes, deciding what they want to cook. Right? Everyone will have different ways that they approach reading the book. But what do you hope people are getting from it as they're engaging with it?

Reem Kassis:

You know how we talked about the concept of home before on the show? And I wrote about this in The Palestinian Table as well, I think what unites Arab cultures across the board is the sense of home and the sense of generosity, where, if somebody knocks on your door a minute before you set the table, you will always have an extra plate and enough to feed them. And I cannot obviously invite every single reader into my home, but what I hope that they get while reading through this book is the sense of generosity, the sense of welcomeness, that you are welcome into this cuisine. You are welcome not only to enjoy it, but to try it and to experiment yourself with it, adapt it to suit your tastes. You're not committing a crime by doing that.

Reem Kassis:

It's better to enjoy it and learn about its history, and then adapt it to yours so that you can continue to eat from it. And then the other thing that, less on the emotional side, I hope they realize just how many misconceptions we have about food and its origins, and how important these conversations are to be having, and that we need to look at food through a much longer and deeper lens than the one that we've been looking at it, this one.

Amena Brown:

Reem, thank you so much for being a guest in our HER living room, but I feel like we've entered into the HER kitchen a little bit. And so, I just want you to know, Reem, I am dreaming up a time when the pandemic is over, that someone would just, first of all, pay you lots of money to do this on TV. And then, secondly, I'm dreaming that they would pay me at least a medium to large amount to be on TV with you for one of those episodes.

Reem Kassis:

I would just be happy if you didn't come to my house and eat at my table. So, that would be good enough for me.

Amena Brown:

Yes. We're going to do that, Reem. Thank you so much for joining me.

Reem Kassis:

Thank you, Amena.

Amena Brown:

This has been awesome. I'm so glad we got to gather in the living room and around the table with Reem Kassis. Make sure you get her latest book, The Arabesque Table, at your favorite bookseller, and you can also follow Reem on Instagram at Reem Kassis, that's at R-E-E-M K-A-S-S-I-S.

Amena Brown:

For this week's edition of Give Her a Crown, I want to shout-out Chef Edna Lewis. I found my way to Edna Lewis when I was in the process of healing a body broken by major surgery and weeks of recovery, a friend came to my house and made me biscuits from Edna Lewis's recipe, shout-out to my friend, Andy, and they were so much better than the hockey puck of a biscuit I tried to make myself.

Amena Brown:

I started reading Edna Lewis's, The Taste of Country Cooking. I was transported to Freetown, Virginia, to the farm and the hearth kitchens of Black women who cooked, and planted, and reaped, and sowed according to the season. Over the years, I have cooked my way through Edna Lewis's book. It has returned me to my Southern roots. She reminds me of the women I come from. Chef Edna Lewis is one of the four mothers of Southern food and soul food. Chef Edna passed away in 2006, but her recipes and her storytelling will be passed on for years to come. Chef Edna Lewis, give her a crown.

Amena Brown:

HER With Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown episode 80

Amena Brown:

Recording in January of 2021 for episodes that'll probably be coming out in February is a weird pandemic experience everyone, because we are in a present and you are listening in the future. And we hope that where you are listening is better than what is happening.

Amena Brown:

We hope that it's better there. We're longing for you to tell us it's better there. But good news is, I have a wonderful guest in our HER living room; former labor organizer now stand up comedian, writer, actor, one of Variety's 10 comics to watch for 2020, writer for Last Man Standing, creator of Comedy Crossing, a hit standup comedy show held inside of the Animal Crossing video game, welcome y'all Jenny Yang to the podcast.

Jenny Yang:

Wow. Oh, I'm going to need that intro for everything I do. Thank you. I felt the energy.

Amena Brown:

I got to give it to you, Jenny. We don't have the live audience so I got to give you those handclaps that we loved. We loved when we could have those handclaps, Jenny.

Jenny Yang:

I felt it. I felt the intro. I was like, "Who is she talking about? She sounds impressive."

Amena Brown:

So I have to tell y'all, I felt jubilation and a little bit of tear in my eye when Jenny's face came up on Zoom, because the last time I saw Jenny, we were staying in one of the nicest hotels I've ever stayed in.

Jenny Yang:

A hundred percent.

Amena Brown:

I'm pretty sure I took a video of that hotel suite because I was like, "I want to have proof that I was in a room like this." And Jenny and I and some other women from MAKERS, we all just leaned up against a bar and talked late into the night and felt each other's breath and wow.

Jenny Yang:

It was magical. I mean, I feel like that's what a conference is for, especially when you pull together the right people. Right?

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Jenny Yang:

You just naturally find affinity, you naturally find inspiration. The liquor didn't hurt. You know what I mean? But it was great and I really appreciated that around a large kind of hotel lobby lounge, you just naturally gravitate toward people's energy and you're one of those people and that's what's been really nice to check in with you basically a year later. Man, look, listen, this was right before the pandemic hit and so you are one of my last memories of a large gathering.

Amena Brown:

Right. And I want to say you and I also had on our power pink blazers that evening.

Jenny Yang:

Yes we did. You remembered this.

Amena Brown:

I think it was not the exact same blazer, but the color was right in there. And I felt the vibes and I have to tell y'all, getting to see Jenny Yang perform live and especially in a room where we were, because it's sort of a mix of different industry people. There are people there who are very corporatey, businessy, people who are into politics. It's just very cross section of people. But it was a little tight in the room I would say. And y'all Jenny-

Jenny Yang:

You mean their sphincters?

Amena Brown:

Well, could have been. Some was tight. Something of their natures was tight up in there, Jenny. And when I tell y'all Jenny walked up in there with her power blazer and she was like, "I don't care. Y'all can be like that if y'all want to be like that. I'm going to come in here and be myself." I walked by and saw her at the bar and was like, "Must stop and talk." I had to stop and talk, Jenny.

Jenny Yang:

Oh, I love that. What a complement. I mean, it was so corporate. It was the first day of the conference. Everyone was tired from traveling and getting in and I was like, "Oh, wait a minute. You all are just thinking about all the emails you're trying to catch up on after this, aren't you?" And it was a lot of power suit women. Not even power suit women, you know the kind of women you look at their outfit and you're like, "This is tens of thousands of dollars on your body right now." And I didn't grow up around that. I have been in spaces where now I recognize what that looks like, but that was a little intimidating. But I think what I learned is corporate folks, they want to keep a certain decorum, but I'm a comedian. I was doing standup and it was a nice challenge. I'm glad you laughed.

Amena Brown:

You stepped up to it though. You really did. I was like, "I want to talk to her more." And then we sat at the bar y'all until I almost couldn't keep my eyes open standing there talking with Jenny and Milck was with us. We were having just a wonderful time. So Jenny, thank you for joining me on the podcast for one of my She Funny episodes because you funny, girl, and I can't wait for you to tell us all of the process. So I want to start with, what's your earliest memory of discovering comedy? Was it in your family? Was it something that you watched? What's your earliest moment where you either remember seeing someone being funny or that you realized you could be funny?

Jenny Yang:

Oh goodness. I feel like whenever anyone asks me, "Oh, how did you decide to become a comedian?" I'm always like, "Listen, I did not grow up a little immigrant girl from Taiwan with my round ass Chinese face with people telling me, you should make a living from doing comedy." A lot of women don't get told this. I was just out there trying to do good grades. But my earliest memory of comedy and just being obsessed with comedy was actually watching a VHS tape of the best of SNL with Eddie Murphy.

Amena Brown:

Yes.

Jenny Yang:

My older brothers are like 10 years and nine years older than me. And so I was just watching things that were probably inappropriate, but as a little child in elementary school, I still understood what was funny and Eddie Murphy was hilarious to me. And I don't even understand how I understood the race kind of politics of the comedy he was doing. I don't know if y'all are familiar, but when Eddie Murphy was on Saturday Night Live, he did a White face to spoof Black Like Me, but he was White Like Me. And there was a whole bit about that that was hilarious to me, even as a child. He did Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood being Mr. Rogers, but being in the hood and changing the lyrics and doing a puppet show where he was a Black middle finger with hair Afro on it talking back to a little puppet of Ronald Reagan. That blew my mind even as a child.

Jenny Yang:

Maybe that's why in the future that was just what was to come. I would be more into politics and recognize social justice issues. But man, back then I thought it was hilarious. I memorized it. To this day I still remember word for word, some of the bits that Eddie Murphy did. And so that's really my earliest memory. As far as whether or not I decided I could do that stuff, I feel like I became a little bit of a class clown, even though I was a straight A student. But never does a young girl think, oh, someday I'm going to be a professional comedian or work in comedy. You know what I mean? But yeah, no, shout out to Eddie Murphy. I wish to meet him someday.

Amena Brown:

I join you on your shout out because Eddie Murphy is definitely one of the reasons why I'm a stage performer today. I had told this in an earlier episode, but I was watching that... I mean, I don't know how this is for generations of kids now, Delirious, that was mine that I was probably like a fifth grader watching that. I don't know what it's like now for kids that are super protected with the parental controls because apparently we didn't have that growing up, so I watched all sorts of things.

Amena Brown:

I watched Comic Relief when Billy Crystal and Robin Williams were doing the Comic Relief series on HBO. I was watching that as a child. So of course there were some things I'm sure that were way too like, mm-mm (negative), a kid should be watching, but getting just getting to see that and being like, "Huh, you can have a job where you're standing there with a microphone and just captivating people for however long with your stories? Yeah, sign me up for that." So shout out to Eddie Murphy and for us being as exposed to Eddie Murphy as children before we were probably supposed to be.

Jenny Yang:

Yeah. I mean, I feel like if you're listening, think about when you discovered you were funny. You know what I mean? Or you discovered you can make someone laugh because I think for me making people laugh was not thought about in its own isolated way. It was more like, wait, I can make people laugh. That's powerful. That's power. I saw it as just one of the tools, you know what I mean, to be persuasive, to get people's attention, to get what I want. And so it wasn't until much later that I decided, yes, this could be a profession. But to me, I feel like it's important as women too to think about when did we decide that we had access to a tool that made us powerful.

Amena Brown:

I love that because you are sort of in control of the room there when you get up there and that's you on the microphone. Even as a comedic writer, you are the one coming up with these ideas that are going to make people laugh. These ideas that all of this crew has to sort of surround these ideas that you write. I mean, I think that is a fantastic observation that that is power, that we have the opportunity to do that.

Jenny Yang:

It is. Well, you're a poet and you perform as a poet. I actually used to perform poetry before I took comedy.

Amena Brown:

Nice.

Jenny Yang:

Mm-hmm (affirmative). And it was either really silly or really emotional, but I liked being able to get people to receive a message, think about things I want them to think about that I think they should care about, move them. And so to me doing comedy was just another way to do that.

Amena Brown:

What was your entry point? Was it an open mic? Did you start there as far as when you started making a foray into trying it out? Was the open mic your first, let me see how this is going?

Jenny Yang:

When I think about how I was able to play creatively and be funny in general, it was definitely school. That was like the socially sanctioned arena to use humor to excel and be creative. So I'm doing extra credit projects. But it wasn't until I was working for a number of years, moving up very quickly to becoming a director in the labor movement. We used to represent 85,000 public service workers in Southern California. And I was making six figures. I was making a good living, but I was so burnt out. I was a director, but the people I looked up to, I no longer admired them. I no longer respected them; the people that I worked for. And so I was like, "This can last only so long." So I had my own sort of come to Jesus moment, so to speak, but come to comedy moment where I was like, "I need to just accept that I'm an artist."

Jenny Yang:

It was literally a night where I got so emotional and I never took on the label of a writer, a poet, even though around Los Angeles, I was actually known to perform. So it was that night that I was like, "Okay, Jenny, you need to stop putting up these blocks, accept this identity of being a creative and being open to creative opportunities, and other people who have been reflecting back to you that you are someone who is this type of person." So it was because of that, that I finally heard the message many times from before, Jenny, you're so funny, you're like a comedian. And I was like, "Oh, okay."

Jenny Yang:

Finally, the 25th time I heard that I said I'm going to go do open mic, standup comedy. That's how you start. You just go to an open mic where no one had to book you, you just show up and try to do something that moves people. And that's where it started and I was going to poop my pants, but it was my first time in a long time that I felt like, wow, this made me really nervous. I really cared about this. Why do I care about this? And I know that if I can get good at this, it can be very powerful because it's very freeing and creative. So that's what happened.

Jenny Yang:

I went to a very familiar space in LA called Tuesday Night Project where I was an associate artist as a poet. And I said, "Guess what guys, I'm going to try to do standup comedy today, even though you usually see me do poetry." It was awful. I have tape of it somewhere. I don't know, but that's what happened. But yes, open mic, that was my first experience.

Amena Brown:

See, I was going to ask you, was your first time awful or did it go amazing because so far in interviewing and just talking with other comedians, to over-generalize, it's this divide down the middle where there were some comedians that their first time on stage they felt like they were flying, they did amazing, everyone clapped. And then that next time was when they bombed. They were like, "Oh, wait, no."

Jenny Yang:

For sure. I've heard that.

Amena Brown:

There are some comedians I talk with that are like, "Well, I went out there and the first time went terrible, but it also inspired me to keep going, to keep writing." So it's interesting to hear you say that it felt awful. You will look back on it now anyway, and think this was awful, but it inspired you enough to keep going.

Jenny Yang:

Yeah. I feel like it's like one of those things. I feel like we need to learn how to read our own instrument, if that makes sense. Sometimes something might feel bad, but that word is so blunt to describe a whole host of signals in our bodies. It felt awful. I felt like I was going to throw up from the nervousness, but there was something behind it that I sensed that was deeper. That wasn't just my nervous system, that was like, "Oh man, if I could get past this nervous part, I could really like this." You know what I mean?

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Jenny Yang:

I could be very gratified by this. And so just thankfully I somehow saw through it. You know what I'm saying?

Amena Brown:

Yeah, no, that makes perfect sense. I've actually never thought about this for what my first time was doing poetry at an open mic, but I would venture to say it was also awful. But I think the terrible part is that I thought I was amazing. I thought I was going to blow those people away. I was like, "Ooh, they are going to be so glad I came here tonight. They're going to be, woo! They're going to be ready to hear more from me." It's one of those things where you sign up on the list, then you're there listening to everyone else until the MC calls you. And so I think as the night wore on and I was hearing more and more amazing poetry, then it was like...

Amena Brown:

I don't know. That may have been my first time really having a collective of other people to compare my work to, whereas where I was from, I was mostly the only poet or one of a small number of poets that people knew. So to go from that to, I'm in this room where most people here are poets and they were so amazing. I was like, "Oh no, I don't know if I should have signed up. I don't know if I'm going to be as good as I thought." And there was no way to get off the list. The MC would not let you remove your name. And so I went and I did my little things and it did not go well. It did not go well. It was actually a pretty embarrassing experience.

Amena Brown:

But to your point, Jenny, I remember leaving and more than I felt embarrassed, I felt like I can get better. If I keep coming to a space like this, I can get better. I can learn how to write better, not to be like what I saw, but to be better as me, as whatever I would sound like, whatever my voice would be. That was inspiring enough to go back and obviously get embarrassed a bunch more times.

Jenny Yang:

But what a gift. There's something about people who are performers or who are artists. It's like, what is it about you that makes feel like you can push through the embarrassment or the mortification or the not doing great the first time.

Amena Brown:

It's wild. It's a wild thing. I don't know if it's the other side of the ego that's there or what, but it's like, wow, that just went terrible. Do you guys do this again next week because I'd love to come back-

Jenny Yang:

Suffer yet again.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. And just be utterly embarrassed again. I'd love to do that until one day I'm not. But then it's like the payoff of eventually continuing to go, continuing to go and then getting to the point where you get in front of the audience and you're like, "Oh, that worked. That thing I wrote, it worked on stage." I mean, that gratification to me is worth a bunch of times of being embarrassed.

Jenny Yang:

Well, then that's what makes you you because other people would not like that.

Amena Brown:

Okay. Jenny, this is what I need to talk to you about because y'all know that the algorithms on Instagram are terrible, so sometimes you miss out on all the amazing things people are doing. But let me tell y'all, Jenny Yang was coming up in all my algorithms on Instagram, honey. And I was like, "Jenny, you better figure out some ways to engage the people in comedy when we can't be in person." And it was so inspiring to me to watch what you were doing because obviously there's a lot about this time of the pandemic that has just been horrible and terrible. And I don't want to ignore those things at all. I want to also say, and there have been some things about a lot of us having a collective experience of the quarantine and this collective experience of being away from our loved ones or having to be cautious about how we visit our loved ones.

Amena Brown:

There were some things about that collective experience that I think brought us together, but also brought some opportunities to innovate, to think of new ways to do things. And if we weren't in a pandemic, then we all probably would have been gathered in different venues performing. A lot of us that are on the road would have been doing that. And when I started seeing the... First of all, there was two things that you were doing that I was like, "Jenny. Yes, honey."

Amena Brown:

Okay. Number one. When I tell y'all between Twitter and Instagram, Jenny is not here for the games. There was some commentary on your social media that I was like, "Jenny, I live for the commentary. I'm here for everything about this." The threads. There were some threads Jenny was doing on Twitter that I was like, "Jenny, I live for this."

Amena Brown:

So first of all, let's talk about comedy as resistance, which I think you coming from a labor organizer background, I feel like that seems to be something that was inherent in your work anyway. But in particular that we're in the middle of a pandemic, that's also a global uprising that we're watching everyone... I can't say everyone. We're watching a lot of people fighting for justice in the streets, protesting, getting arrested, putting their lives at risk. That's how important justice was to them. And to see also that your voice as a comedian can be a part of speaking up can be a part of the uprising. So talk to me about, is that a part of your comedic process or just you as a person in general, that you see the comedic voice also being a part of justice? And then what was that like now having to use a different microphone on social media, maybe not having events and different things that we were used to? Talk to me about what that process was like for you.

Jenny Yang:

Yeah. First of all, thank you. That is such a nice way of describing what I've been doing. To me it's just me trying to delight people. But obviously to meet to me also, I want people to think about things that I want them to think about, that I care about, that I think the world should care about. And so I think every comedian will tell you, the bottom line is, can you make people laugh? Can you entertain them? If you can do that, then great. Then you're a comedian. But beyond that, there's just so many ways that you could be. It's like Hari Kondabolu, another comedian that I really love. He says, "You never say, do you love comedy? Of course you love comedy. You love to laugh." But it's just like saying, do you like music? Of course you like music. Do you like heavy metal? Do you like speed metal? Do you like hip hop? You know what I'm saying?

Jenny Yang:

So there's just different ways to be a comedian. And for me, my preferred form of comedy is one where there's some thinking behind it in terms of what the social consequences are, because that's what I care about. I care about trying to push things more toward the side of justice rather than not. Whether that's through a tiny tweet or whatever. Sometimes it's just a silly thing about me missing eating bread. I don't know. But to me it's kind of like that spoonful of sugar that makes the medicine go down. If you have that sugar which is the sweetness of laughter, sometimes the things that are really tough that are important to talk about can be received. And so that's what I think is beautiful about comedy as a form of resistance. It cuts through the clutter.

Jenny Yang:

I feel like when you're able to get to people's physical response, visceral response of laughter, it cuts through the logic. It gets right to the heart of something. And so that's what's really powerful to me about comedy. Now, I don't know what Twitter threads you were talking about, but I personally felt it was very important to highlight the true absurdity of racism or inequality that became even more urgent and apparent during the pandemic. It's not that these issues weren't there before, it's just all eyes were on social media once everyone was at home. There was no other way to engage in real life and we were all just socked away. What else could we do but communicate online. And one of the things I wanted to do was just offer up a perspective where if the shit was racist, maybe we talk about it. If the pandemic was happening and it originated in China and you're out here calling it the kung flu China flu, maybe we need to correct that. If you're using only stock photos of Asian people for your coronavirus article, maybe you shouldn't do that. Maybe you should change it up.

Jenny Yang:

There's just all these tiny things that I just wanted to highlight. And it's just my little part, let's be honest. It's just one little drop. But at least I feel like I can control that. So that's just simply the speaking out part. And then you asked about not being able to perform live, basically, and needing to pivot. Doing standup comedy inherently is standing up in front of humans and having that back and forth. It doesn't exist without it. And it was so bleak y'all. I don't know if any of you checked out a comedy show during the pandemic, especially at the beginning of it. But Instagram Live, when you have those two people on Instagram is not a way to do it. There's no audience. Who are you doing it to? Who are you telling a joke to? Just one person who's barely laughing? No, that is not standup comedy.

Jenny Yang:

It is the saddest part of... It's like going back to open mics. It's like a hell hole of a sadness cave when you say something into the void and your voice just dies. That's the point of comedy; you want that feedback. And so luckily or not, a Zoom meeting ended up being the best platform for being able to have people un-muted and being able to laugh as if you're in the same room with them. And that's what I did. I kind of tried different things for a month or so. And then just out of nowhere, decided to combine the desire to continue doing comedy with the thing that was saving me, which was a lot of other people between March and April of 2020, which is playing Animal Crossing the cutest little Japanese game from Nintendo where you could actually invite your friends' little avatars. It's like Sims but with cute Japanese characters onto your little island that you get to decorate and farm.

Jenny Yang:

And it was a tiny thing. It is a video game, but it was a saving grace for being able to stay connected with people. And I thought, wow, they sell little cartoon microphones and amps and you can put up a red brick wallpaper on my basement. Let's make a comedy club and let's see what this looks like. It all was happening right around the time that George Floyd Jr was murdered. We was going to be a free show anyway and I said, "Well, the best thing we could do right now is let's make this a free show, but we're going to solicit donations where the majority of it goes to Black Lives Matter related causes." And you all remember every GoFundMe, every other bailout fund was happening at that time. And to me, just as a creator and as a producer, it felt empowering to just do my tiny part. You know what I mean?

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Jenny Yang:

To not feel helpless because you're just sitting there watching this wallpaper of news wash over you. And it was just a tiny way to use the tools that I had control of in order to offer something back.

Amena Brown:

I love that. When I saw that you were doing a comedy show inside of Animal Crossing, I was like, "Jenny, yes, honey. Yes." Because you know there's a bunch of comedians at home just chomping at the bit to talk to somebody somewhere.

Jenny Yang:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

And a bunch of people needing to access their joy in a time that was really hard, still is for a lot of people, really, really hard stuff going on. And we can only take in all that hard stuff so long before we're going to just lose our resilience. We need to access our joy. We need to sort of feel that sense of camaraderie with other human beings and I loved that, Jenny. I just think it's so freaking innovative what you're doing.

Jenny Yang:

Thank you. And I didn't know how long it would last or what the response was going to be, but the response was tremendous. But we started at the beginning of June, we did two shows every month, ended it in late November. And we raised about $35,000 for Black Lives Matter related funds. And average 250 to 700 people watching a Zoom meeting. You know what I mean, twice a month. And I think what this says to me is, people have such a hunger, if you just tap into it, to support live comedy for one, but also feel like they can do something about racial justice and anti-Black issues. So, yeah. It was very inspiring to me to get that energy during a time when we weren't able to feed off of the social energy in real life.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. I was talking to a woman. I'm trying to think. You know how all the time I'm like, was it days? Was it months? Was it years ago?

Jenny Yang:

Time is elastic now. We don't know when it is.

Amena Brown:

In another time before the television was invented, I was talking to someone, but anyway, I was actually hosting a virtual event and this woman I know was there talking. She's a community organizer, and she said something that I thought was really profound. She was talking about how normally in community organizing, you have this staggered approach as to how long organizers stay on the front line of the fight, because you will inevitably burnout because you're just facing so much violence and aggression and different things. And I really appreciated her sharing that with us, because she was basically saying how sometimes one person will have to go on the frontline for a while and then their time will come, that they have to go and rest and replenish and then another person's time will come where a team of people, they'll be on the frontline together.

Amena Brown:

And I think we, in some many ways some, some small tiny ways like you put it, I feel like we were seeing that happen where there were some people that were just like, "I got too much grief going on. I can't." And they had to take time to rest and replenish. And there were other people that could say, "Okay, here's a thing I can do." And I think that's powerful, just the collective of community we can have that way together.

Jenny Yang:

Mm-hmm (affirmative). I think in the end to me, when I pivoted from politics to comedy and entertainment, it's all the same thing. We're in the business of organizing people. And so how I saw it was, whenever I have been a part of something where we are able to recognize our collective power, that it's not about just an individual, that we are stronger together, that applies to building my career in comedy. Obviously it's to benefit me, but in the end that's why I organized standup comedy tours and comedy festivals, because I knew that number one, the morale boost of having peers with you to walk alongside you is helpful, but also that's how you develop, that's how you grow. That's how you grow your own audience.

Jenny Yang:

I mean, it's all the same. The way people use marketing terms to me it's somewhat different, but it's very similar to if you do community organizing or political organizing. It's about how do we get as many people together as possible to recognize a common interest and have a roadmap to a place of hope. I've just used that technology, if you want to put it that way, you know what I mean, as a way of living and as a way of doing my work in anything I do. And so I would recommend it for most people. I hate marketing and business jargon, you know what I'm saying?

Amena Brown:

Yeah, same. Oh my gosh, please. I want to ask you about this too. One of the reasons why I'm just enjoying interviewing Women of Color like yourself that are working in comedy is because Women of Color are doing so many things in comedy. Right?

Jenny Yang:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

So I would love for you to talk about how does comedy show itself for you in your career? You have stand up, I know you also write as a comedian. Tell the people, what does that look like for you, the different facets of your career where you are working in comedy but you have these different ways you may enter the space?

Jenny Yang:

Yeah. I mean, I feel like if we're talking brass tacks, first and foremost, I am a self-employed person. So I'm just here to have multiple income streams, I'm here trying to feed this little seed over here, this little seed over there to wait to see what might flower and grow. And I have no control over the timing of these things a lot of times. And so for me when I started, it was a matter of, okay, what can I do to use all of my gifts in order to be of service so that I may gain income? That's how I kind of see it. And so first of all, I used my leadership skills and producing skills that I had before; event organizing, facilitating, all of that to create standup comedy tours and comedy festivals, even when I was still learning my standup comedy craft. I also managed to then make money off of these live comedy shows. Then I was working on my own writing in order to possibly become a staff TV writer.

Jenny Yang:

But in the meantime, you put on your own table read, you work on that. You show people your writing, maybe you write shorter monologues versus longer TV shows. I eventually got on TV writing gigs. But also in addition to performing live, I did a lot of digital video. So around 2013 was when I got really into Buzzfeed video. I knew someone who just had started the four person department that was Buzzfeed video back then. And if you remember back then, that was actually when Buzzfeed... I used to call it the network television of the internet. And it was one of the few first times that people were hearing so many different types of identities talking about these identities. Whether you're LGBTQ+, if you're Asian-American, Latinx, et cetera.

Jenny Yang:

And so it was a very opportune moment for me to be able to do some of their initial viral videos, because then the college students who saw that recognized me, invited me out to do college touring. And I did that for a long time too. To me it was about how do I try to go where I am needed, and no matter what it is, I am format agnostic. You know what I mean? Is it a tweet? I'll give you a tweet. Is it a digital video? I'll give you a digital video. You want an essay? Here, try this. You know what I'm saying? This is to me my mentality for how to make a living doing what I do.

Jenny Yang:

But I would say the main thing though is my base of support from the beginning was my community, because that's what I was a part of. It's a community that I was invested in, an Asian-American, creative, progressive community that came to my early shows. You know what I mean? Who bought the tickets, who were underserved in the mainstream media, which is why they were hungry to show up to a live event where it was an Asian-American stand-up comedy tour. Does that make sense?

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Jenny Yang:

So that to me is the foundation of all of this. And so now I'm fortunate enough to have been making a living in comedy, but it all goes back to, how do I maintain multiple hustles and multiple avenues to express myself and connect with people?

Amena Brown:

Oh, I love that. I especially love the rootedness of what you said. That yes, you have opportunity based on your talents and your skills to do all sorts of things in your career and that the rootedness of what you do comes from your community. Oh, I feel that, Jenny. I feel that.

Jenny Yang:

Thank you. I feel like we are such an individualistic culture in America that we often forget that how we rise is usually with, and sometimes on the shoulders of others. Right?

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Jenny Yang:

And so I just think it's important to acknowledge that because obviously I couldn't do what I do if people didn't support me.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. And I find that to be true for a lot of Women of Color. It's like we're rooted in the people that we come from. We're rooted in the people who made it possible for us to do what we're doing. And I know for me that it is the Black women that raised me and those rooms I remember being in, with their hips and everything else that gives me the stuff to do what it is I'm doing. And I think it is important if you don't have that rootedness, to find that, whatever that looks like for you. But I find that a lot of women of color, we have that rootedness in our community. That's what gives us our wings.

Jenny Yang:

Yeah. That's the strength. And I love, by the way, seeing now a lot of other Asian-American comedians who, because of the racial justice organizing that had been happening through George Floyd Jr, through Black Lives Matter in 2020, didn't recognize that they were a part of a community before, until these issues confronted their own identity and it made them realize, okay, there are these issues that I care about and it has affected my life. This is how I connect with Black racial justice or anti-Blackness. And they're out here showing the Asian-American studies books that they're reading and talking to other Asian American comedians more directly about how identity informs who we are. And so, I don't know, I think to me to have a meaningful career, that's not just, oh, I just need to be out here making money. You know what I mean? That adds to it. It just adds layers to it. And the grounding, like you're saying, I think it helps me to remember what's important.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Right. No, completely.

Jenny Yang:

I mean, I work in Hollywood.

Amena Brown:

It's a fascinating place you all, a fascinating place, Hollywood. Here's my closing question. So I always love to close with this question when I'm talking to women of color comedians and I give Vanessa Fraction the credit for this. She is a wonderful Black woman comedian. And I had booked her for a show and I was like, hey... I get really nervous about if everyone's in the building. When we were doing live shows I would be like, "Oh, can you please get here by such and such time so I know you're here and I'm not freaked out." And so I think she was supposed to go on around 9:30 or something. And I was like, "Girl, can you get here at 8:00 just so I know you're here." And she was like, "Can I just get there at 9:00 because sitting around is not good for the funny."

Amena Brown:

So I wanted to ask you, what is good for the funny? What's good for the funny for Jenny Yang? What's the stuff that you need to keep you inspired? What's the stuff that you need maybe before you sit down to write, before you go on to perform? What's good for the funny for you?

Jenny Yang:

I'll tell you what's not good. A pandemic.

Amena Brown:

A pandemic is definitely not good for the funny, honey. No ma'am. No.

Jenny Yang:

Yeah. But in all seriousness, I love that quote and that story because it's true. To me, comedy is energy, it's movement. And so that's what I'm here for. To me, when something is funny it's because the energy is moving sideways. It's always sideways, it's never direct. And so I'll admit during the pandemic, it's been challenging to create, it's been challenging to write. And so I'm just sort of been getting back into creating that sense of movement in my life by having space for it. I think that's what it is. For me, it's really important to have either shows that I can do in order to try things out in terms of writing. For me, structure helps actually. To have time to kind of be in my own thoughts, get rid of the clutter and then eventually get at things.

Jenny Yang:

And then I'm also just a very social person. To me funny also happens just if you don't have a full audience in a bar or in a club, at least have one person you can talk to. You know what I mean? That you can kind of gauge reactions from. So that to me is sort of how I get at the funny.

Amena Brown:

Jenny Yang, thank you so much for joining me. Thank you for all of this wonderful, inspiring work that you are doing. I'm going to tell the people all of your links, all of the things so they can go to there and watch these things. And maybe there will be a link where they can just also support with their wallets. We enjoy that kind of support as well, people. So you're going to go to the Jenny Yang links. You're also going to use the monies. If you have the monies, you're going to use the monies and put the monies there.

Jenny Yang:

Listen @jennyyangtv for everything. So yeah, I'm always online and I love talking to folks, so just hit me up.

Amena Brown:

Thank you, Jenny.

Amena Brown:

I hope y'all enjoyed my conversation with Jenny Yang as much as I enjoyed talking to her. I hope you enjoyed listening. Wasn't she an amazing guest into our living room? She's amazing. Make sure you check her out on her website jennyyang.tv or on Twitter and Instagram @jennyyangtv. Check her out there. And if you are looking for links to any of the things that we talked about in the episode, definitely check out the show notes. Show notes are amenabrown.com/herwithamena. You can go to there and get the notes from this episode or any of the episodes from the podcast. In case you're looking for a book we talked about, or a show we were talking about watching, links like that will be in the show notes. And I hope we are already friends on the interwebs, but if we're not, I would love for you to follow me on Instagram and Twitter @amenabee. Be my friend. Slide into my DMS. I would love to hear from you.

Amena Brown:

For this week's edition of Give Her a Crown, I want to give a crown to Whoopi Goldberg. When I was a kid, I watched Whoopi Goldberg's Broadway show on TV and I was mesmerized. It was just her and what looked a white towel or a white piece of fabric that she used as a prop to become different characters during the show. I was especially impacted by the character who was a little Black girl who wished she had blonde hair and blue eyes, reminiscent of Toni Morrison's, Pecola Breedlove in the Bluest Eye.

Amena Brown:

I too knew what it felt like to feel like my skin and my hair would never be beautiful because they would never fit into a White standard of beauty. Not only did Whoopi's character speak to the messages I was being given about my own blackness, but she also showed me the power of stage performance and what it meant to embody and love my blackness. How one Black woman could express many characters and transition so seamlessly through them all. Several years ago, my husband and I were in a record store and came upon Whoopi Goldberg's Broadway show on vinyl. We framed it and it's hanging up in our listening room to remind me how important Black voices are, how important Black women's voices are, how important it is for me to love my hair and my skin and why it matters that Black women tell our own stories. Whoopi Goldberg, Give Her a Crown.

Amena Brown:

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network and partnership with iHeart Radio. Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown episode 79

Amena Brown:

That time I met India Arie. That time I went on a really bad date. That time I was directed by Robert Townsend. That time I got mono on Thanksgiving. That time I went on a really bad Christmas tour. That time I...

Amena Brown:

Everyone, I welcome you to this week's episode of HER with Amena Brown, which will be story time, that time I quit my job. So I feel like before I get to the actual moment, when I quit my job. I want to lay some groundwork as to what led me to working in corporate America, because it was a corporate job that I quit. Okay. I attended Spelman College, shout out to any Spelmanite that are listening. And my last year at Spelman was a very tough time, because Spelman is a very competitive school, not competitive in the sense that I felt like I was always competing against my classmates, but competitive in the sense that a lot of us who arrive to Spelman were already really successful in school. Some of us already have businesses or had started nonprofits and done all sorts of amazing things. So it was that same experience when you got to your last year that women were leaving Spelman to go on to do really amazing things.

Amena Brown:

They were getting admitted to these really prestigious grad schools and going to partner with this and that, organization or company whatnot. So I was experiencing the pressure of wondering what would be my cool thing that I would have to say I was going to do when I got out of school. And all I knew was that I wanted to be a writer, but I didn't really know where to start. And I was mainly focused on novelists who had been successful, and the main three that were in my head at the time was Alice Walker, Toni Morrison and Stephen King. All three of whom really hit their stride as far as becoming numerically successful when they were in their, maybe at earliest, their mid to late 30s and mostly early 40s. So I was looking at them thinking, well, here I am, 22 years old wanting to become a successful full-time writer.

Amena Brown:

I have no idea where you start doing that. And maybe I need to just find some stuff to do until I get to my 30s or my 40s, and maybe that's when all this stuff happens. So all that to say, I decided to apply to grad school because I thought grad school would buy me some time to figure out what in the world I was going to do. My plan was to get a Master's of Fine Arts in Poetry. And those of you that are familiar, know that when you get an MFA, that's considered a terminal degree in the sense that it's the highest degree you can get in a performing art or visual art, any type of art really. So I applied to grad school, I was denied an MFA in Poetry admittance. I was denied to every school I applied to. I moved in with my now best friend and her husband, and I got a job at Smoothie King because my friend Celita was working there at the time and probably took some pity on me and was like, "Girl, let me see if I can get you hired over here."

Amena Brown:

So this is my recent graduated from college life, right? Well, right as I'm working at Smoothie King and really in this tizzy about what in the world is my future? I get this amazing opportunity to do spoken word poetry at a very large Christian college student event. And some of you are listening, like what? Well, in another part of my life, a lot of my poetry career, as far as what I got paid to do, a lot of those opportunities came in predominantly white Christian environments. That was not something that I thought was going to happen, but this was my first foray into doing one of those events. And it happened to be a pretty big event, which gave me more exposure to people that were in church market, world vibes. So I went from working at Smoothie King, not knowing what in the world I was going to do to traveling with this organization and then getting invited by other churches and nonprofit organizations and doing that, but always working some side job or temp job in some way, it was never enough money to really do that full-time.

Amena Brown:

And then I got interested in arts journalism. So for a while, in my early twenties, I was juggling the road, traveling to different Christian events and performing poetry there, doing my little side job or temp job, whatever I was doing to really make steady money and writing articles about Atlanta's music scene. It was actually a very fun life, especially the music scene parts, because I was really able to get free tickets to a lot of movies and concerts and shows. I went to some of them by myself. Sometimes I took a date. Sometimes I took a girlfriend and we went and just hung out. And I just had to write an article to pay my penance or whatever for actually getting into the event for free. So somewhere around maybe 24, one of my temp jobs actually turned permanent and it was a receptionist job.

Amena Brown:

And if you are a writer of any kind, having a receptionist job is one of the best jobs that you can have, especially if it's a receptionist job where they mainly want you to focus on the phones, which is how this job was. I was working for a small business, it was for a commercial realty company. So most everybody else was handling any paperwork and different things. I didn't really have a lot of administrative tasks to do, but they needed somebody who was going to be there all the time during office hours to answer the phone. So I did that and let's tell my age a little bit. I updated my Myspace page, I had to switch my top friends around and I would write my articles from the night before. I would typically go out to a show or go to interview some artists at some venue somewhere.

Amena Brown:

And then I would have to go back into work the next morning and in between phone calls, that's what I do. So this was great for a while. This was my dream life for a while, until I was starting to feel the financial pinch, right. I'm working as a receptionist, which she didn't pay great, but paid better than me working just temp jobs off and on, but it didn't pay great. And I was getting paid some on the road, but the road wasn't regular either. And I was getting paid a little bit to write articles, but really not enough to survive. And I was starting to get antsy about that. I really wanted to be writing and performing full-time, but in lieu of that, I was like, "Man, if I could find a job where I could work in my field, maybe that would make me feel more fulfilled."

Amena Brown:

So my best friend was working at a Fortune 500 company at the time and she hit me up and she was like, "Hey, they're looking for writers to hire here." And I was like, "Oh my gosh, I didn't know anything about corporations hiring writers." So I want you all to know that college me really didn't see myself as a corporate America person. I just always felt like, "Hmm, that doesn't really seem like my vibe." So I didn't do any internships or anything like that. I didn't know anything really about how corporate America worked. So it didn't make any sense to me why they would be hiring writers. But once I saw the range of salary, I was like, "Hmm, I'm interested." So those of you that have worked a job and then wanted to apply and interview for another job, know that it's really tricky figuring out how you are going to leave the one job and go interview at the other place without tipping off your current job that you're interviewing.

Amena Brown:

And the only way that I could think to make it make sense was to do the interview when I was out from work, because I'd had my wisdom teeth taken out. And as I'm telling you all this, I'm like, surely there was a smarter way to do this. Surely I could have just maybe taken a day off or something. But I think as a receptionist, I don't think I had vacation days or anything like that. I think it was just on a day that I couldn't be at work to answer the phones was just a day I didn't get paid. So I don't remember when I was working full-time for that job as a receptionist. I don't remember ever taking a day off, but now I'm like, "Why didn't you just take a day off and just do the interview that day and go back to work?"

Amena Brown:

But those of you that have done this type of hustle before, it's like, you feel like everyone at work knows you took the interview. I think I was maybe worried about that. Anyway, I got my wisdom teeth taken out. I probably was on day three or day four of recovery, so my cheeks and jaw were still pretty swollen, but I took my pain medication and I put on my best blazer and suit that I had at the time and went and did the interview. And I can't remember y'all if the interview was in two parts, I feel like maybe it was, I feel like I had an initial interview with someone. And then when I came back for the second interview... Oh, now I remember, I think the first interview was just with someone generally from HR. And of course I'm having to explain to them that my face doesn't normally look like this and that my voice doesn't normally sound this way because I just had my wisdom teeth taken out.

Amena Brown:

And I think a week or so later, maybe I came back for the second round of interviews, which was actually with the person that was over the department. I would have been going into another manager from that department. And y'all the main thing that I remember about the second round of interviews for this corporate job is the manager of the department I was working in, which was considered in this company, employee communications. So we were basically like, I'm sure in some companies, we probably would be like where HR communications was because we were the department that would have been writing anything, could have been memos to safety manuals, but also the company had its own employee magazine and employee website. And so sometimes we would get to write human interest stories for things like that.

Amena Brown:

So when I get to this second round of the interview, they ask you all the typical things you get asked in an interview about your strengths and your weaknesses and times you had to show leadership and times you had to address conflict, and you try to pull some answer out of there about something that happened at summer camp. Right? And I remember the last question of the interview, what would have been my boss's boss's boss's boss asks me what makes you different than all of the other applicants that we've seen? What should make us want to hire you? And I drew a blank. I could not honestly think of what to say. And I just said the first thing that came to my mind, I said, I'm a joy to work with. And they both laughed, big laughs in the office.

Amena Brown:

And then after they left and I laughed a little bit too, but I was like, I guess it is funny, but for real. Really, I feel like anybody that works with me would say they had a good time working with me. So that was my calling card that they never forgot that that was my answer to the question. Bless my heart today. Anyway, so I start this job. I think I actually came back for a third time. And when I came back to the office for the third time was when I received the offer. And this is the only time, because this is the only corporate job that I ever worked. But this is the only time that I had that moment where they had typed up the offer and it was in the folder and they slid it across the table.

Amena Brown:

If I knew then what I know now, I probably would have negotiated a little more. But when I opened up that folder and saw the money, I was like, I'm rich, I'm rich. This is wow. Wow. Wow. All of that is going to be just for me. Wow. It didn't even occur to me to push them back and ask them for 5,000 more or 10,000 more. None of that occurred to me, I just looked at the money and I was like, Oh my gosh. And then I think they had some element of calculating what all of the benefits were worth as well. And this was a large, very established Fortune 500 company. So they had a lot of legacy type of benefits. They had the 401K with the up to 3% match and they have the insurance, they had a mental health line that you could call and get access to any mental health resources that you'd needed, they had financial advising.

Amena Brown:

It was all the benefits, everything. So I started working this job, there were three other women also hired in my same position. We were all hired into an entry-level. We were considered communications specialists, which meant we were entry-level writers coming into the company. One of the women of the four of us, she was legacy to the company because she had been working for the company for a while and been promoted from within. And then the other three of us were coming in from the outside. And y'all, I felt so professional, this was an old guard kind of company. So they wanted you to be dressed in a blazer if you left your cubicle. I think at the time that I was hired, which was 2005, women were not allowed to dress bare legged at work, you had to wear pantyhose, you had to wear closed toe shoes. So there were certain parts of it that I was excited about because it just felt so grown up. I remember going to the outlet mall with one of my girlfriends to get my first couple of suits.

Amena Brown:

So that part felt very grown up, but the whole pantyhose and the closed toe shoes, that was wild because that was just starting to get really uncomfortable, really fast. And they were very formal rules about wearing your blazer, you weren't supposed to leave your cubicle without wearing your blazer. But then if you were sitting at your cubicle, you were allowed to wear your blazer. At the time I was hired, the company was actually resistant to you listening to music with headphones at your desk. I'm sure some of y'all are listening, some of you that work in corporate are listening to me right now, like this is wild. These were wild times people. And this was a company that probably was 10 to 20 years behind what a lot of companies have come to with casual Fridays and allowing people to dress more casually.

Amena Brown:

So for the first six months or so, I can't say it was my dream job, but I was very happy to be getting paid to write. I was getting paid pretty well, I was able to afford an apartment of my own, I was just fully paying for all of my things, any concert that I wanted to go to, I could go to it. I was all ready for that, I was very excited about it. I think as time went on, I got about six months in before I realized I hated that job. And there's a couple of signs that happen to you when you hate your job. I started to get a burning sensation in my stomach Sunday nights, Sunday nights would come and I would just be like, Oh gosh, I would have to give myself a talk about why I'm going to go to this job.

Amena Brown:

I remember Kanye West's album Graduation came out while I was working in that job. And I had to find some music to listen to on my way to work, to motivate me to remember why I'm here trying to do this job, but I hope it helps my career. It was just slowly losing its allure because I don't know what I expected when they said they were hiring writers. I think I was hoping for something that was going to feel like a little bit of journalism and have soul to it. But this was a company that their business was very centered in supply chain, so it wasn't like I was working for a company that was very centered on creativity. They were centered on engineering and logistics and technology. They were not centered on you writing flowery things for anything.

Amena Brown:

So it turned out that a lot of what I thought was going to be some creative writing that could challenge me, some journalistic writing. A lot of it was actually taking things that other people had written 10 or 20 years before and just adding little tweaks and updates to it. That was basically my job. And I was bored to death and feeling very disillusioned about the whole thing. The other thing that was happening that made me go, "You don't need to maybe work here anymore." So I remember one of my managers, he pulled me into his cubicle and he was like, "Please sit down." And so I sit down and he's like, "Why do you ask so many questions?" Anybody who knows me very well knows that I have questions about just about everything, but in particular with writing, because I'm always like, "Well, why are we writing this? And who are we writing this to? And why are we being asked to write it this way?"

Amena Brown:

I remember asking him one time, "Is this propaganda that you're asking me to write?" And he said to me, "Amena, stop asking so many questions and just write, just don't think about it so much and just finish the task at hand." And I walked back to my cubicle and realized, I didn't know how to do that as a writer and didn't want to know how to do that. I didn't want to know how to separate my soul from writing. And that was when I realized that I needed to come up with an exit plan. Here's something else interesting that happened when I was at that job that really informed a lot of my choice to quit. So there was a Black woman manager in our department and she was very much a workaholic type personality.

Amena Brown:

She was one of those people that when she was at work, she gets the job done. But also if you email her something Saturday morning, she's going to email you back. She was on her job like that. And then she got pregnant. I remember she got pregnant. I remember she had her baby. And I remember when she came back to work, she was totally different. She had changed and people were expecting her to be available to them all the time. They were expecting her to work 50 and 60 hours a week. They were expecting her to make herself accessible to them all the time like she had before. And she just didn't want to, because she had gotten married and had this baby and she wanted to be with her family more. And I wasn't close to her and I never talked to her about it.

Amena Brown:

I just remember watching her, now, thinking about it, she was probably in her mid 30s to maybe early 40s and I'm 25, 26 watching her. And watching her negotiate things like those of you that work in corporate are familiar with FMLA which is the Family Medical Leave Act. And when you work in corporate, at least at that time, things may be different now. But when you worked in corporate then, you had a limited amount of time that you could take off, in the case that you had a baby or had other reasons to need to take FMLA. And watching her need the time to really take off, but watching her worry about her job security and probably coming back sooner than she wished she had to. Right. And so I'm observing all of this, and I made this internal promise to myself there in my mid 20s.

Amena Brown:

And I promised myself that, here I was, I wasn't married. I'm not even sure I was dating anyone at this point. I didn't have any children. And I promised myself that by the time I was 30, I wanted to be writing and doing my art full-time. And a part of my reason for doing that was because if I were to get married and decided to have children, I wanted to have freedom. I didn't want my corporate job to be able to tell me, what I had to do. And that was when it really started churning in me, you're going to have to leave this job. You got to figure out how you're going to do that. So I worked the job almost two years, and in the meantime, I'm using all my vacation days to take gigs out of town. And there were times that requests would come in for me to perform at different events.

Amena Brown:

And I had to say no, because it was a Wednesday in the middle of the week. And it would be too awkward for the stuff I had going on at work for me to take that gig out of town in the middle of the week. Of course, to me, it felt like there were just tons of gigs I had to say no to, it probably was not tons. It was probably five or less, but all of those times that I had to say no, because I was working this job, I didn't like, it just burned me up. So every year around Christmas, we would get a Christmas or holiday bonus. And the holiday bonus was basically a third paycheck. So you were already getting your two paychecks a year. Every year that I worked there, I got a little bit of a raise. And then you were getting this third check and I don't know why maybe by this time I had just become so dissatisfied with the job.

Amena Brown:

And I felt like I missing out on all these opportunities to really do what I wanted to do for a living. I just decided when I get this Christmas bonus, whenever it hits my account, as soon as it clears in my account, I'm going to put in my two week notice, and I did. Put in my two week notice, feedback about that decision from my coworkers was very mixed. Some of my coworkers were like, "I know you'll make it. You'll do great." Some of them were a little bit familiar with some of the other things I was doing outside of work, performing and stuff. Some of them were like, "I wish I could do what you're doing, but I just stay in this job for the benefits, for my family or for my health or what have you." And some people honestly were just like, "This is the dumbest thing you can do."

Amena Brown:

And they were just like, you finally got a job with a company that basically doesn't fire anyone in corporate. They don't fire anyone. They were like, no, can't say what the other parts of the workforce experienced there. But in corporate, it was very rare that they ever did furloughs or layoffs. So they were like, "You basically got a job that you could keep until you retire. Why would you leave here on some fleeting dream of being a writer?" And of course, as I say it out loud, it does sound fleeting. But to my then 27 year old self, it didn't sound fleeting at all. So I quit. I still remember waking up with anxiety that January, realizing that I was working for myself and I didn't have a boss and I just kept waking up with anxiety because there wasn't anyone to tell me what to do every day.

Amena Brown:

I also was waiting for all the requests to come in. I was like, "Where are all the emails?" "Hey, everybody I'm available." Well, let's have a little lesson in economics. Shall we? Because I quit my job December 2007. And what happened in 2008, the market tanked everyone, guess who didn't study economics? Guess who didn't even know the market was tanking at the time? Okay. So all that to say, mainly the arena that I was working in at that time, I was performing in predominantly Christian white conservative settings. Okay. So these were mostly, if not all non-profit organizations that I was working with. So their budgets got hit too. They don't have the extra money to be paying for a poet to become in, to talk about anything. So I had no invitations to speak, no gigs, very little money. And then I fell in love and no, y'all not with my husband. I fell in love with this other man, all of this story I'm telling y'all is before I met my husband. Okay.

Amena Brown:

So I fell in love with this man. And now that I think about the timing of this, I fell in love with this man that was like, I can only describe our friendship as it was a flirty friendship that the two of us had. We were both performing artists, he was a lot more established in his career than me. But we had met out in the performing artists scene in Atlanta, try dating, decided to just let that be friends. But even though we had said the words out loud, let's be friends. It really wasn't like that when we would see each other, even though we both dated other people, would see each other all the time. There was just this electricity still there. So I think maybe because I had more free time, now I know that wasn't really free time. That was actually time that I should have been building my business, but you live, you learn.

Amena Brown:

Because I had more free time. And because I had a big crush on him, we started hanging out more and then we're like, "Okay, you're single, I'm single. We've always been toying around with this idea let's date." So we date and look, I'm head over heels in love with the man. If he says he want to watch Netflix and hang out all day. Sure. If he wants to go bowling. Great. If he wants to catch a movie in the middle of the day, I'm saying yes to that. He can do some of these things because he's more established than I am. He's making more money than I am at the time. So when he's like, "Hey, let's go chill." It's after he's done a big project for a client and he's getting paid, I'm going months and months and months no pay. Right. Well, we try the dating thing and after a few months, discover this isn't working, more so that he discovered let's be honest. More so that he discovered it wasn't working for him and I just had to be like, yeah. Okay. Yep. Well, I have to accept that thing.

Amena Brown:

So right at the time that he and I are going through the breakup time. And when I say he, and I really mean me, because I don't know that he was struggling or suffering in any way after that breakup. I was quite heartbroken over it at the time. And right around the time that we go through this, we're not going to be dating each other. And I'm just in my destitute breakup time, any of you that have been through that type of destitute breakup, it's like you're wearing the sweats. You don't remember the last time you showered. You're just eating food and crying a little bit, probably crying a lot. That's what it was like. Around this time, I'm also realizing that I'm going broke, because I didn't really have any savings going into this decision to quit my corporate job. I didn't really have any savings. All I had was that extra check and that wasn't going to carry me very far. So I'm going broke. There are bills that are due that I'm not able to pay them. I'm living in an apartment, I can no longer afford.

Amena Brown:

My car gets repossessed. I have to borrow money from family members and friends to get my car out of repossession. I have to move out of my cute little one bedroom apartment. Those of you that live in Atlanta, I had a cute one bedroom apartment in Vinings. It is just the cutest little neighborhood. I had to give up that little apartment, get that car back out of repossession. A friend of a friend opened up her home to me. I moved in with her and rented out a bedroom and a bathroom from her. And I think in that moment, I'm feeling like a failure, honestly, because I think it had not even been a year. I'm trying to think, had it even been a year, maybe it had been a year, maybe, a little over a year and there I was just broke and struggling.

Amena Brown:

And that was not in the script that I had developed for myself. That when you are watching the movie about the girl who quits her corporate job, she has a few scenes where she cries and things don't go well. But then something really amazing happens to her and then everything works out fine. And I was not experiencing the works out fine. I felt like a failure. I felt embarrassed that I had seemed so confident in my choice to quit my job. So I felt a lot of feelings about that time and feeling like a big failure and also feeling like I didn't know how to talk to God. And for me, not only having grown up in a Christian context, but I grew up in a charismatic, Pentecostal Christian context. It was very much like, we have faith, we believe these things, these things happen.

Amena Brown:

And so I think even believing that way in the context of where my Christian faith was at the time, made accepting this moment very hard, because I not only felt like a failure, but then I was questioning, did I cause this? Did God air quote, speak to me and tell me to do this? Was it the right thing? Was it the wrong thing? And I remember going through a long period of time after I had moved out of my apartment and moved in with my then housemate. And on top of that, I had started working a customer service job because I was broke. In order for me to pay rent to her, I was going to have to work somewhere. And the gigs had dried up to the point that I didn't even know if I would ever have more of a career doing spoken word.

Amena Brown:

So I found out that this company was hiring customer service associates, and it was a big cattle call thing. And all of us that were broke, we went and you filled out all the stuff. And then you had so many weeks of training, but they really didn't have a lot of choice timeframes for the training. So the one that they had mostly available was 4:00 p.m. to 1:00 a.m. in the morning. And so I did my training, I think the training was six weeks and it was paid training. So there were a lot of people who were not intending to stay at that job, but they were intending to finish their six weeks training and get paid and then move on and do something else. I remember my birthday that year, I was so broke and everyone else in my training class was so broke that when my birthday came, I had to work on my birthday and they bought the Hostess CupCakes from the vending machine and put coffee stirrers inside of the cupcakes and sing happy birthday to me.

Amena Brown:

And I blew onto the coffee stirrers as if they had candles. Right. And working in that job was humbling. One, because again, I'm dealing with just feeling like I failed at trying to do my artist's career. And being back to working, especially after having worked a corporate job, which paid well and had all the good benefits. And now being back to working a much lower amount per hour, not having any benefits at all, basically it's like the amount of time you show up here is the amount of time that you're going to get paid for. And when you don't show up, you don't get paid. There were no vacation days. There was no 401K. There was none of that stuff. And working in that job really in a way, I think it gave me the time to myself to really process what was happening.

Amena Brown:

It was also hard for me because I had a very nice social life at the time. And once I started working that corporate job, I was missing everything, everyone's birthday parties and all the cool shows we would have gone to. I really just was going to work and coming home. And the time that I had as free time, all the rest of my friends were at work. And in a way, me having that time alone, number one, I think it helped me to give myself time to process all that had happened. The stress of the breakup, the going broke, the having to ask my family members for money. I'm an oldest kid. I'm very like I would rather shoulder it all on my shoulders than have to ask my parents for money. So I had to be in dire straits to do that.

Amena Brown:

And it was very humbling to go to them and ask them. And I finally had, after three months of working the job, I finished the training. And then after you finished training, there were certain positions available on the floor. But most of the positions that were available were at the least desirable time at night. So I stayed on the 4:00 p.m. to 1:00 a.m. shift and just worked there once I finished my training. And I think after working in that job, when I hit that three, four month timeframe, I started to realize that I needed to surrender. And surrender is a word I really hate for various reasons. It's not a word I love. In the context of my Christian faith, surrendering means, you are saying to God, that you trust God with your life. And I hate that. I just hate it y'all.

Amena Brown:

I hate it because you're asking me to trust my life to someone that I can't see and to trust my life to someone whose decisions I question sometimes, but in my relationship to God, feeling like I do trust that God knows better than I do. So I do I want to surrender to God, these expectations, these things. But I think also inherent in the word surrender is letting go of what our expectations may have been. And I thought I was going to be a shooting star after quitting my corporate job. I thought all of these amazing opportunities were just going to fall at my feet. I thought I wasn't going to have to work that hard honestly. And so the other element of surrendering that I had to do was letting go of those expectations. And just, that was my first time in a long time, just opening my hands to life and saying, "Hey, this is what I thought I was supposed to do."

Amena Brown:

I thought I was supposed to perform poetry. I thought I supposed to be a writer. Maybe that's not it. Maybe there's something else for me, but whatever it is, I was just saying in my own prayer, out of my soul to God, whatever it is that you have planned for my life, I want to do that more than I want to meet up to some expectations I made somewhere. And I'll tell you what's interesting. When you get it to a place... It's weird y'all, because I get really leery of people being like, "And as soon as I prayed that prayer here comes this opportunity." Or as soon as I surrendered this thing here comes this. I really don't think life is that clean cut of an equation. I think there will be plenty of times that you may pray the prayer.

Amena Brown:

You may surrender the thing and you may still have to go on and not see this huge, big change. But at the same time, and this is what was true for me in this moment. I think also when we come upon a sense of openness inside of ourselves and we become open to the fluidity of life, we become open to the fact that our happiness doesn't have to look one way or our approach to our vocation doesn't have to look one way. I think that does in this very spiritual sense, openness up to the possibilities of life. And I do think there is this energy out in the world, that when you do that act of surrendering, whether that looks like it did for me and my Christian faith or whatever that looks like for you in however you practice spirituality.

Amena Brown:

I do think there's something powerful about the act of being open-handed about one's life, that can open you up to the opportunities to come. I don't think it means this plus this equals this, but I do think it opens you up to that. And so after I had that moment, I'm still working my job, get to the point that I worked there long enough to choose a different shift. So I was able to work during the day and I start getting some calls out of the blue to perform at a college here or there, perform at a church here or there. And I'm just taking in the gigs as they come, I've been doing nothing but working. So I was paying down my debts and building up my savings and taking the money that I was making whenever I did get a gig and just acting like I didn't get it, just banking it and putting it in savings and only living off of the money that I was making at my job.

Amena Brown:

And I get this call to do this particular event. They were having a ten-year anniversary and their theme for the event was, On Your Mark. And I remember being on the conference call as they're telling me, the different things about the theme. And they're like, "Oh, we'd love for you to write a custom poem to open our event." And I was listening and almost started to cry on the call, because as they were talking about the theme and what do we do when we feel that we've missed the mark? I just felt like they knew my life somehow. And I remember working on that poem and writing that poem from such a tender place, because I actually really did feel those feelings and putting my own questions and my own uncertainties and doubts into the piece. And I remember when I went to do the sound check, I didn't realize how big of an event it was.

Amena Brown:

So at that time, the event was in this arena in Atlanta and the arena could seat 12, 13,000 people. And I'm one of those people that sometimes when big opportunities come to me, I psych myself out and I'm like, it doesn't have to be that big of a deal. It's not that big of a deal. I do that to myself all the time. And so I started giving myself that story, when I walked into the arena, I was like, Oh, but then I was like, it's okay. You're just opening the event. There's lots of people are going to speak and perform. It's not that big of a deal. It was totally that big of a deal y'all. Okay. So I came back the next day, perform this piece that I'd written at the opening.

Amena Brown:

I remember I came out into the lobby of the arena, because I was actually looking for a friend of mine that I was trying to meet up with. And all these people walk up to me. They're giving me their business cards. I for the record have no business cards. I have no CDs that I can remember to sell at that point. I'm just there with... Y'all to be utterly honest, I had a little mini legal pad where the pages looked like clouds. Okay. That is all I had, that and a wallet to my name, that's it. All these people came up wanting to write down their information in my notebook, stuffing their business cards into my notebook. And I went home that week. And from that event, I got so many invitations to speak that there wasn't going to be a way to take them all and still work my job I'd been working.

Amena Brown:

And I had been saving money for the times that inevitably come where you don't have gigs come in. And so I quit my job again, January of, I think would have been 2010. Yeah. I quit my job again, January 2010, but this time I feel like I quit my job much better. I was more prepared for the ups and downs of what it really means to be a full-time artist. I had saved up money. I had decreased my debt. I was really living on less, I had decreased my expenses as well. So I went into the second time quitting with a much more business mind. So that time I quit my job for good. I've never had to, again, pick up a job, a 40 hour a week job. I've been full time as a performing artist, as a writer since then.

Amena Brown:

Here are my takeaways I wanted to share with you, because prior to the pandemic, I would get questions all the time when I would travel and people would be like, "Oh, I hate my job. I really want to be doing this." And they would fill in the blank with whatever their dream was. I really want to be doing that. And, Oh, I'm just so tired of my job. I think I'm just going to quit and just starting out. I'd be like, no, no, no. Don't quit your day job yet. And I know the stakes are different now. Even for a lot of my friends that had been doing very well, speaking, performing, doing things that require you to be in front of an audience, all of us experienced this big shift in 2020 of trying to think about, okay, well, what does that look like now?

Amena Brown:

What does all of that mean? But even in the midst of a pandemic, even in the midst of really hard times, it doesn't mean that we cease to have dreams or cease to have things that we're passionate about. So I want to tell you, if you are currently working a job where you are feeling that [noise] in your stomach on Sunday nights, before starting work on Monday, where you are having to give yourself a big pep talk before you get on any of these Zoom meetings. I want you to not quit your day job just yet, before you quit save money. That's one piece of advice I would have gone back to give myself. When I worked corporate, I was really making more money than I knew what to do with. And if I could do anything all over, I would go back and just save money.

Amena Brown:

Not just blow through it, save the money, stack the money. If you are going to do anything, that's a dream of yours, as a vocation. You will inevitably go through times, that will be more lean, where you won't have as much money coming in. Even the success stories that you read about are very rarely just this linear experience, where they just start from nothing and whoop everything goes well. That's actually very rare that that happens. A lot of is not very linear, it's a lot of starts and stops. It's a lot of feast and famine. You're going to experience both sides of that. So save money, get out of debt as much as you can, use the job that you're working, that you may hate right now, use it to help you fuel your dreams. Some of us are going to be privileged enough that we have family members or parents that can give us that seed money to get started or have an inheritance we can lean on.

Amena Brown:

But most of us won't have that. Most of us will be our own inheritance really. We will be the ones that will put together that initial seed money for ourselves. So do those things, also write a business plan. Dreams can be very emotional. And that also means that sometimes our ego and our value and worthiness can get all tied up in our dreams. And if we achieve our dreams and wanting people to applaud us and different things, but dreams are not just emotional things. If you want your dream to actually become a reality, you need a plan. And I think a basic business plan is a great place to start. There are tons of great business planning books, but I also like to say, you don't have to start just spending money to get your business started.

Amena Brown:

There are so many great resources, even online that won't cost you anything. There's the library where you can go and check out some of those books, but at least get yourself a basic template for a business plan and fill it out. Even if you're a performing artist, even if you're like, "But I make pottery." Yeah. Fill out the business plan. You're a dancer. You're a choreographer. Yes. Fill out your business plan. You do visual art. Yep. You fill out a business plan. I know, especially for those of us that are doing creative work, business plans can feel corporatey and can feel non-intuitive to us. But even those of us that are arts connoisseurs and are creatives and maker as well. There will still be business involved, if you intend for this to be what is helping you make a living, there will still be contracts to sign.

Amena Brown:

And you'll have to decide on what your rates are, and if those rates are really equal to the time that it actually takes you to make what you're making. So becoming a full-time artist or whatever your dream is to do full time, it also means becoming a business person. And I think if you're prepared for that, then you're better off and better suited to actually survive it in the long run. And I also want to speak to this, being a full-time artist, isn't everything. And that's not me being self-deprecating, it's not me doing the thing where sometimes when someone is doing well in a particular area of their life, then they start to downplay it and be like, "Well, let me tell you all the things that are actually really bad about it." That's not me saying that. What I mean is whatever your dream is, it doesn't have to be your vocation.

Amena Brown:

And I think sometimes we make a pedestal of our dream becoming our job, and it doesn't always have to be that way. I love what I do. I've been, full-time doing this. Oh my gosh, it'll be 11 years this year. And I had to remind myself end of last year and into this year, that part of the reason why I wanted to become a full-time artist was for freedom. And the day that this is no longer freedom to me, then it's okay. If I decide I want to go back and work for someone else. It's okay If I decide, I want to go back into corporate America or wherever I find myself going. I've learned over this journey to not put pressure on how a thing has to look, that it's most important that the core part of what I'm doing and why I'm doing it are still there.

Amena Brown:

And truth be told, there are so many people who honestly are never going to do their dream full-time. And they make a conscious choice sometimes, sometimes it's what they have to do for survival. They have to work that job, so that it can pay their bills, so they can take care of their family members or whatever. So it doesn't mean that a person with a dream is a failure because they don't do that dream as their job. And I wish I heard more people saying that, honestly, because I feel like society and capitalism, to be honest, can put this pressure on you, that everything you dream, it's not real. You're not dedicated to it, if it's not what you do for your job. And there are plenty of people who are doing their dream for their job and they're burnt out and it's affecting their health, because they wish that maybe they were working somewhere else and doing their dream on the side.

Amena Brown:

I think what's most important is that you find something that you love and do that as often as you can. And for some people that's going to be once a year, there's going to be some people that get an opportunity to just write once a year. And for some people it's a few times a year. And for some people they'll do what they love every week and work this job that isn't really their jam, but it's the job that fuels their ability to do their dream. So don't let anybody put pressure on you either way. Don't let anybody put pressure on you, that your dream has to be your job. And if you're working your dream job and it's no longer your dream anymore, you're not a failure for changing. You're not a failure for deciding to do different things. Find something you love and do it some other time, as much of the time as you can.

Amena Brown:

Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this edition of, That Time I, I hope you think about whatever your dream is. I know we're in a pandemic and I know some of our dreams probably feel even further away than they did before, but it doesn't mean that that has to be the end of the story of your dream. Don't give up on your dream and don't put pressure on yourself for your dream to look one particular way. If there's anything, I hope you walk away from our story time together. I hope you walk away thinking about how you can approach your life more open-handed, how you can find a rhythm of surrender, whether that is in your relationship with God, if that's what you believe or whether it's in your relationship to yourself.

Amena Brown:

Thank y'all so much for just coming into the living room and taking off your shoes, bringing in your snacks, hanging out with me while we have a little story time. And I hope as I'm sharing my story, that maybe it reminds you of some of your own story too. I hope it sparks some conversation with you, maybe among your friends or your coworkers at that job you hate. Isn't it funny that you can have a job you hate and still love the people you work with? And I guess you can also have a job you love and not really enjoy the people you work with. So you've got to find enjoyment wherever you can. Okay. Hey, if you have more questions or other things that came to your mind that you want to know about what it's like to see dreams become reality. I would love to address them here on the podcast.

Amena Brown:

So I am inviting you to slide into my DMs, not with any of that stuff where those men will be on there trying to be your sugar daddy. Don't slide into my DMs with that, but slide into my DMs. If you have any questions or feedback about this, you can follow me and my DMs @amenabee on Instagram and Twitter. I would love to engage with you there, get some feedback from you here, if there are any follow up questions I can address in another episode.

Amena Brown:

For this week's edition of Give Her A Crown. I want to give a crown to my mom, Jeanne Brown. My mom raised my sister and me as a single mom. And now that I'm a grown woman, I know it was harder for her than I could have known it was as a child. My mom has survived so many things and she raised my sister and I to be free thinking women. And my mom worked her dream job. She wanted to be a nurse ever since she was a little girl, so she became one. She was actually finishing nursing school with me in her belly. And despite the racism that she encountered that tried to keep her from succeeding, she became a neonatal nurse and is still in her nursing career. She never put pressure on me to get married or to have kids. She only encouraged me to achieve my dreams and to get an education. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be here talking to y'all today. To my mom, Jeanne Brown, Give Her A Crown.

Amena Brown:

That time I met India Arie. That time I went on a really bad date. That time I was directed by Robert Townsend. That time I got mono on Thanksgiving. That time I went on a really bad Christmas tour. That time I...

Amena Brown:

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions, as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network and partnership with iHeart Radio. Thanks for listening. And don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown episode 78

Amena Brown:

Ooh, you all. Welcome back to HER with Amena Brown. And I just want to give you all a special shout out all of my listeners. I am seeing you all when I go into the back end of the podcasting, I'm seeing you all listening on here. So I just want you to know you are appreciated. And I want you to know that I am very excited about the guest we have in our HER living room today. I want to welcome singer songwriter and half of rock and roll country, soul duo The War and Treaty, let's welcome Tanya Trotter.

Tanya Trotter:

Yeah. I am so excited to be on this podcast with you today. I'm so excited.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, listen. Let me tell you all. First of all, I had the opportunity to meet Tanya and her husband. We were on the road together on the Together Live tour shout out to all of my Together Live folks that we got a chance to tour with in 2019. And I immediately struck up a conversation with Tanya and her husband talking about television. We just-

Tanya Trotter:

Yes and who knew we'd be doing this for the next nine months. Watching series, watching tv.

Amena Brown:

Exactly. They were giving me tips on different shows they had watched. And then there was some shows we all watched and we talked about it. We spent all the time before that show just talking TV. And of course, getting a chance to... One of the things that's a big plus of being on a tour Together Live is that you are on stage while everyone performs. And those of us that are touring artists that's not always the case, so getting a chance to be on stage together and experience each other's performances which is how I got a chance to hear Michael and Tanya Trotter do the thing.

Amena Brown:

And if you all, haven't heard this music, you all need to go do that. Don't go do it yet because we are about to talk. But after we talk, you all need to go and do that, because it is just I mean, I've been in that room, we also... I had a chance to perform at MAKERS Conference, sharing stage together there and it's just beautiful. It's just beautiful.

Tanya Trotter:

Thank you. And we experienced you and you are incredible. I mean, you know people use words like cliche words, like incredible, phenomenal, she's so amazing, but you I mean just breathtaking. We talk about it all the time, just how you're able to capture the audience with your words. And they're holding on to every thing that comes out of your mouth and I'm just so happy that we had an opportunity to experience you. And we all made that human connection that we made during that tour time.

Amena Brown:

Yes, you all, I'm telling you all when the pandemic is over, I don't know where The War And Treaty is going to be on tour, but I'm just going to go there. Just uninvited. I'm going to go there and be like "I'm sorry, I thought we was doing this together, it's not? I thought we was doing this together." I'm just going to show up there because that's how I feel about it.

Amena Brown:

So first of all Tanya, I want you to know that The War And Treaty as a duo, you all have fans and individually, you all have fans as well, because I was telling a couple of people that I was interviewing you today. And they were so excited. They were like, oh my gosh, yes. I want to hear everything. I want to know everything. So Tanya, I want to talk about the duo of The War And Treaty, but can you tell us a little bit about your half of the duo? You have been singing, writing songs, you have also been involved in film. You just had a lot of different experiences in the entertainment industry. So this is what I want you to do, start me out. And if you think of yourself, when you were first entering the beginnings of the entertainment industry, did you expect entering it then what the music would become now?

Tanya Trotter:

I had no clue. I started out in church like most people sing on the choir and my mom was from Panama. So in my household was gospel music, it was Calypso music, it was classical music. And then being from Washington DC, it was global music. It was a plethora of music just flowing through my household and flowing through my church and my community. And I just knew that I wanted to do music. I knew that there was... Once I heard my brother sing one Sunday morning I think I was about six or seven years old, I was like, I want to do this for the rest of my life. And I didn't know how I would do it or what avenues I would go about doing it. So I started doing talent shows and getting in a pageant, Hal Jackson Talented Teen Pageant which was really big in mid nineties.

Tanya Trotter:

And I won that pageant. Then I went to high school and studied music there and Duke Ellington School of the Arts. And from Duke Ellington School of the Arts, I went back to Potomac high school where I ended up getting a scholarship to Morgan State University for vocal music.

Amena Brown:

Wow!

Tanya Trotter:

And I'm in the process of doing that, I was at this time 17 years old about to enter college and I entered this talent contest. It was called Big Break and the legendary now late great Natalie Cole was the host. And I performed on that show and a record company saw me performing on that show and they reached out to my school at the time. And they were like, we want to give you a contract. So I went to New York with my mom and ended up signing a contract with a company who was managing Melba Moore. These are people Pearly, Melba Moore, back in the day being in on Broadway. I was obsessed with her voice and her being able to hold this note. So the thought that Melba Moore's management company had wanted to do with me at all, I was like yes.

Tanya Trotter:

So I signed with them and then Sister Act 2 opportunity came up. And that was something that we all kind of just auditioned for not knowing what would happen from that. And I did that and ended up in that movie, put out a record. And right when the record came out, I remember touring with all the big acts, Ashlee Simpson, Freddie Jackson, who were also very kind to me. I remember one day and I was just like, "I don't want to do it this way. I want to do something different."

Tanya Trotter:

I like Leontyne Price, and Kathleen Battle, and Tina Turner, and Dolly Parton, and I like all these different styles of music, but I was stuck in this box of just doing R&B. At that time it had the Black music division and the ANR division. And you were a Black artist and you only at your shows saw Black faces. But one of my best friends was white. And I'm like, why can't I just do music that is just good music, yo? And so at that time I told my manager that I didn't know what to do. So we went on and we kept touring and doing things like that. And we ended up leaving this particular label and I signed briefly with Sean Combs at Bad Boy.

Tanya Trotter:

And that experience was definitely not what I knew I wanted my career to be. Not that it was a bad experience. I just I knew I wasn't a hip hop artist. I knew that this wasn't the path for me, but in that process I learned a lot about the business. And so I left there, they recorded so much music for me. That's where I started writing for Shanice Wilson. And I wrote for Heavy D and a lot of big name artists at that time. So I left and this is the funny part. And I decided in the middle of my career that I wanted to go to hair school.

Amena Brown:

Wow!

Tanya Trotter:

Yeah. So people are like, "What happens to Tanya Blount?" I was like, you know what? I don't want to do this, I don't want to do it this way. I'm going through some kind of spiritual awakening. I don't know what's happening with me. I'm trying to hear this voice that I'm hearing everybody talk about since I was seven years old sitting in the baptist pews. I went to hair school and I did that for about I would say seven to eight years. I also I dibbled and dabbled in music where I would kind of teach worship teams and stuff like that. But I knew that that wasn't it either. I wasn't just going to be a worship leader there was more. And I could take the experience from worship, the experience from gospel, the experience from R&B, Christian.

Tanya Trotter:

My dad from New Bern, North Carolina, I could take that country experience that I had sitting on the front porch with my grandparents, drinking ice tea and playing in the pond with the frogs and the cows and the pigs. I could take that country experience. And there was going to be an opportunity where I could one day mesh all this together. And fast forwarding, I met my husband. I heard him perform at this love festival out in Laurel, Maryland. He was incredible. I mean, the lyrics, everything, it just rushed from the stage to where I was in the middle of the field. And I'm like, who is this guy who could be this vulnerable with music? Because that's what I wanted. I wanted to meet someone who would once again ignite not just a fire for music in me but the fire for life because I had lost my sense of life.

Tanya Trotter:

And we met. Not right away, we started doing music because my brother was trying to record. So I was working with him at the time. There was some stuff. And I asked Michael to write a couple of songs for a project that we were going to possibly do. So he did that. And my brother did make a rehearsal. Michael did some reference vocals to the track. One of my girlfriends heard the song and was like, "Do you guys hear this? Do you hear what you guys are doing?" And we were like, "Yeah." And we kind of just brushed it off. Six months later we get married. We don't sing together for three years. So The War And Treaty didn't happen with music. We just fell in love. It was like every day we're together. We were like I'm just wanting whatever this energy is that he has, this incredible human being.

Tanya Trotter:

So we get married and I find out that he's a wounded warrior and he starts letting me in on why he writes the songs as fast as he does. And as deep as he does. And it clicked. We started singing together. He started letting me into his world and that was the birth of The War And Treaty.

Amena Brown:

Wow!

Tanya Trotter:

That was it. And I knew right away when he started writing these songs, I was like I can do music again because it's honest. And I'm not trying to be something that I'm not, I don't have to put on a mini dress and toss around some heels and sing songs that I won't really like just to sell a record. I didn't want to do that. And that's what we did. We got in our van with our little baby and we toured the country, coffee shops. Sometimes two people would show up. Sometimes five people would show up and I started all over. I started from scratch and people thought Tanya Blount was dead. I would read articles about it. And people will... Did you see this? My friends are like, they're saying you're dead. You've got to find a record. I was like, I am, I'm dead to that life.

Tanya Trotter:

I'm dead to that. And I'm born again in this. So that's my quick spin of how I got to The War And Treaty. And the spiritual experience that it was because it was very spiritual getting to this place.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. I mean, there's two things you said that really hit home to me. The most ignorant part is... I mean, I can sing enough to hold a note but I should really be with others like in a choir type of situation. I shouldn't be alone singing. But because I don't have that gift, I just always imagine people who can really sing are just walking around their house all the time singing. So my mind is like, how could these two vocalists which is probably why I didn't get the gift, because if I was married to somebody that could sing like the two of you can sing, if I could sing and he could sing, I feel like I would just be walking around the house and just singing random words all the time for nothing.

Amena Brown:

So I just can't even imagine that. But I think that's a beautiful part of the story in that the foundations were the love and the relationship, and then building the ability to be partners in art and in business. I think it's beautiful that the foundation was, you all be in a love with each other and walking through life. Walking through all of the ups and downs that life is going to bring. The other thing you said that I thought was so important, and I have given this advice when I've done talks with college students that are artists or performing artists. And they're always like, "I'm about to graduate from college, what should I do?" And I'm always like, "You should get a job." And I feel like it's always the unsexy advice, because I think they're hoping I'm going to say, you should go onto it right away. You should make an album. You should do those things too.

Amena Brown:

But even you telling that story, all of these experiences you had in the industry and then you coming to that point where you like, I'm about to go to cosmetology school and I'm going to do that. And just do that for awhile. But that's life that's... Those experiences are where for me, the poems they come from the life that we live, whatever that looks like. And I'm like, sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is take a break from some of this and just get you a job.

Tanya Trotter:

That is so true until you can... Because your art form, it's an energy that's best, it surges, it pushes through an atmosphere. So whenever you're putting out art, it's not like a hairstyle where you'll do someone's hair and it's great for that photo. And when they wash it, it goes away. Music never goes away. People can always find this energy that you put into this world. And I'm like I don't want to put songs that I don't feel good about into the world. Or energy into the world. So the best thing I could do, like you said, go sit down somewhere until I figured out what is my energy? Who am I in all of this? Because I started so young, I started record deal at 17, right out of high school.

Amena Brown:

It's just amazing to think about. And I hope for any of you all listening that are artists. I think the other thing that you said that really encouraged me is sometimes as an artist, it's challenging to balance finding your own voice and honoring your own creativity while being in the middle of a business as well. And doing what you have to do to take care of your soul, to honor your creative person. Even if that goes against what air quotes the business says, you should be at that point, or you should be doing, or you should be sounding like this or that when really, so much of it is about you coming to sound like yourself. And continuing to become who you are as you grow and experience different things. I thought that was so powerful. I do have another question, which is somewhat selfish because my husband and I also work together.

Amena Brown:

We have performed together as a duo before. And that was fascinating because we work very differently. I need a lot of quiet and jazz and stuff in order to write my poems and my husband as a DJ, as a music producer, he could watch a cartoon get inspired from that, or watch a stand-up comedian or just grab some things and make some noise. So when we tried creating in the same room, we were like no, we can't do this. We can't do this. In the same room like this. So what has it been like, being married to your duo partner also because there are people that perform together, but they don't have the other part of their life that they live together. They're not romantic partners, they're not parenting together. So what have been some of the lessons you've learned as you and your husband have navigated that.

Tanya Trotter:

That's not a blueprint for us. People are like, "Can't you get sick of each other and don't you need your space?" There's none of that. We wake up and whatever the day is going to give us, we kind of take it. Sometimes Michael will say, "Hey, look let's rehearse." And I'll just pretty much say, okay, maybe we can rehearse at this time. So that's the lead in it because I do more around the house, For the most part I'm the person that does most of that when we're home. And we travel with our son. So I homeschool him as well. So the creative side of it is really more so Michael is the writer. I write very minimum. I'm from writing on the new stuff that we're doing, but he'll bring me a batch of songs and he will say, "Okay, I'm thinking about us going this way with The War And Treaty, what do you think?" And I'll say, nah or I'll say, yeah. And then we'll start just crafting what we want to talk about. And we'll have these songs and Michael will bring them to me.

Tanya Trotter:

And then we kind of just chop them down. We thought it was 50, we may end up agreeing on 12 to 14 songs together. But the balance is, there is no balance. It's really hard when I hear people say, we try to balance it, I just don't, there's not one. When I feel like I don't want to record, or I don't want to sing today, I'll just say to him, I don't want to do that right now. And he'll say, okay, let's watch a movie. And here you go, we'll watch a series for two days. Watch a television series or something like that to break up the monotony of doing music all the time. So that's our balance.

Amena Brown:

I love that. And I do feel like for my husband and I being life partners and business partners as well, it is this interesting. I don't know, I wish I need to come up with a better word for it. Because I feel like you're right. I feel like balance is not the word that I want to put there, but there's a lot of things that overlap, I guess in that experience for us, that there are times we are creating work together. And then there are times we're talking about work, but it's not just talking about business. It's talking about the part of our hearts that wants to figure out what we feel, we want to create and how that affects us even as people. So to your point, it's definitely not something that's like at 8:00 PM, that just turns off. And we going to wait till tomorrow at 7:00 AM to continue that.

Tanya Trotter:

Yeah. We don't have a balance. It's really hard to do that. I mean like now Michael is recording and doing it in the studio. We have a little studio in our home now since the pandemic hit. So at any moment we can go in there and just start creating. And we rehearse with our band as well here. So we just... It depends on how I feel. I've learned one thing that the pandemic has taught me and I've kind of always tried to live this, but I've now... I had to practice it. It's take it day by day, take it every day, every minute, every second for what it is. And if you have a schedule, then great, you have a Zoom call or a phone call or rehearsal or show you take that.

Tanya Trotter:

But you don't plan your whole life around that. You know what I mean? It's something that you have to do for work, but my life is at work. There's so many other things that fulfill me throughout the day. And so I've gotten into this thing where I'm like okay, how can I create this day to be what I want it to be, in spite of all the work that I have to do. And sometimes that's plugging out and just say, "Hey babe, I don't want to record today." And another day it's like, hey, look, let's do this.

Amena Brown:

Oh, I love that. I love that you brought up that word create. And in our every day life. What's the day that I want to create today, which I think even broadens a lot of times. Obviously, as artists, we think about creativity in that way, but I have a lot of friends who are like, "But I'm not an artist." And I'm like but there's a lot of ways to be a part of creativity that are in our everyday life.

Amena Brown:

Even if you're not painting or doing choreography or other things that people think are outwardly creative, there are ways we can create joy or create space for memories and there's different things we can do like that, that also are really important to life. And I do think this time of the pandemic has... Obviously the year has been trash in some ways, but in other ways I think it has helped us a lot of us really focus in on what's important to us and what really matters and sort of like pairing that down, which I think is a good process.

Amena Brown:

Okay. I want to talk about Hearts Town. I'm always curious about how albums get made because I am not a musician myself, but I'm a big music fan. So whenever you listen to someone's whole album in particular and especially when you're listening to that from singers who are also writing this music, I mean, there's something so rich about listening to that, but I'm always like, "Oh my gosh, how did you even go about making an album?" I know. I mean, I'm sure for like singers, songwriters, musicians, I don't know if it's like old hat. But for me I'm like as a fan, I'm like how do you do this? So you talked about earlier that sometimes you all will have bunches of songs. You might have 40 or 50 songs. And then you're sort of narrowing that down to the album. How does that list of songs become an album like Hearts Town?

Tanya Trotter:

We have an interesting process. What we used to do before the pandemic had began as we were touring so we did the year before last, or I guess it was 2019, 2018. All the songs you hear on Hearts Town. We actually toured with those songs. So we would perform them and let our fans tell us what songs they love. So a song like Five More Minutes on Hearts Town we've actually been doing that song for a year. And when the album came out, the fans were like, "Oh my God we are so happy you released Five More Minutes." As well as us performing Hearts Town.

Tanya Trotter:

So we tested them on our fans to see what they wanted to hear, and not that you make a record based off of what your fans want to hear, but they're the ones that have to buy it. And then we started to notice on the road that people would send us a lot of messages through Facebook and Instagram about their personal lives, because we're so open with... Of course, Michael has PTSD and I've suffered from depression before. We both like to eat, so we are not skinny people. We're weight people. So we talk about our struggles with weight and PTSD, being a combat veteran, and us touring with our nine year old now on homeschooling.

Tanya Trotter:

So we took all these different things that we were doing on stage, and we were talking about them and the fans just started talking back to us. So they would text us or email us or whatever and say, "I'm suffering from cancer. Your song helped me through my treatments." Or, "I'm going through this with my spouse. Can you all give us a call to talk about our marriage?" And we just started creating this community of people whether they were gay, they were straight, they were Democrat, Republican, white, Hispanic. Whatever they were, they would call us. And we would respond to them on social media. And we kind of created this family.

Tanya Trotter:

And we started a group on Facebook called Hearts Town. It's a community, probably about 4,000 people now, but it started with nothing and they're on there encouraging each other now and accepting each other. And when we talk about the moments with the song Five More Minutes where that was Michael having a PTSD moment where he wanted to die by suicide. And we talk about that. So you have a community of people who now no longer are living in the stigma of having to hide because they are gay or having to hide because they may have tried to commit suicide two or three days ago.

Tanya Trotter:

They put it up on in Hearts Town and we wrap these songs around them and it became the album. So you have sounds like Five More Minutes. You have songs like Lonely In My Grief, which we were doing two years ago before even the social justice Black Lives Matter actually blew up the way it did. And we would talk about it because we are in as African-American artists, it's probably a handful of us that are doing Americana style music. So we had our challenges as African-American artists on the road going to some of these places where people treated us different, or it would just be one Black act on the entire festival of 100 people, you know what I mean? 100 acts.

Tanya Trotter:

So we talk about being lonely in our grief, lonely in the process of being Black people. And nobody's standing up and saying, hey, why aren't there more Black people on festivals or in Americana, whatever the case may be. And we did them in love. So we put that song on the record Hey Pretty Moon. We talk about that. We talk about jealousy and a song called Jealousy. And these songs kind of just came from an honest place of where we are and where we were over the last 24 months. And that's how the record came about.

Amena Brown:

I love that. And just even having experienced some of the songs on Hearts Town live. And just how... rich is the only word I can think of Tanya to describe that. But think what's really beautiful. And what's important about the music that the two of you are making is that it does make people feel heard and seen and known. Even if they're in the audience and they never may get a chance to get their story to the two of you, but hearing the two of you share those stories and sing those songs, it's making people feel understood. And I think that is the power of music and of writing. It's our hope, those of us that are making art like this it's our hope that as we're pouring our soul into what we're doing, that that translates for somebody sitting there who may be going through PTSD, but they don't even have the words to describe how that experience is impacting them.

Amena Brown:

And they hear this music and they're like there's the language? There are the words that I couldn't say, and I also have experienced just a grief. That's so heavy. It just takes my speech away almost. And when I hear it come back to me in a song it's just it's such a beautiful experience for me to think. I was so deep in sadness. I couldn't bring the words to that, but here comes a musician here comes a singer and a songwriter that can give language to an experience that we know as human beings.

Tanya Trotter:

Yeah. You nailed it. And I really live on this principle that you can't love a person if you're judging them. You can't, if they don't feel accepted, if they don't feel like you hear them, you can never really sustain anything, not a relationship, not a fan base. I call it fan ship. Not a fan ship-

Amena Brown:

Oh I love that.

Tanya Trotter:

Anything with the ship behind it. It can't be established unless there's some level of respect, love, and acceptance. And that's what we... And honesty, and that's what we give our fans. We're completely vulnerable with them and transparent sometimes to maybe our own detriment. But what more can you give? We give hearts, we give it all. And there is no, we don't hold back.

Amena Brown:

Oh. Yes. Okay. I have some music questions that I want to ask you Tanya, maybe you will give the people some things they can add to their different playlist on all the places where you can make a playlist. My first question to you is what is the first song, or even if it's a couple of songs, what's the first song that you remember learning to sing?

Tanya Trotter:

First song I learned was a church song. It was called It's Going To Rain. And I can't remember who the artist was, but I remember singing that song. The first song I sang, which was like R&B song publicly was Anita Baker, No one in the world.

Amena Brown:

It's a good choice. It's a good choice right there. Yes. Okay. Now you may this may be, it's not a hard question, but I feel like when you are an artist, it's like how can I pick from all these things? But I know sometimes as a poet, it's not that I can say, I love any of my poems more than the other, but I go through seasons of time where there might be one poem that in that time, that's my favorite one to do or to perform. Do you have a favorite The War And Treaty song right now that you're that's the one I love to sing.?

Tanya Trotter:

I'm going to say off of the Hearts Town records, Hey Pretty Moon.

Amena Brown:

It's a beautiful one.

Tanya Trotter:

I love that.

Amena Brown:

Oh. Yes.

Tanya Trotter:

I love that song.

Amena Brown:

What is your favorite cover to sing?

Tanya Trotter:

Well, not cover. I don't do well with cover songs, but I do, I love listening to anything Ella Fitzgerald, Bare Bones-

Amena Brown:

Oh yes.

Tanya Trotter:

... that kind of music. And I'm a vocalist, so I listen to a lot of singers and how they interpret songs. And am like, I can't ever even try to do it that way. But I don't know. I can't really say that I have one. I can't really say.

Amena Brown:

Oh my gosh. I'm like for those of us who are listening that can't sing, I'm like what about this?

Tanya Trotter:

Yeah. Tell me what [crosstalk 00:31:42]-

Amena Brown:

I will tell you-

Tanya Trotter:

Give me some suggestions.

Amena Brown:

Okay. I will tell you what are mine which is not a cover. Because like I told you, I can't be seen really singing publicly by myself, but the person whose music I sing like it's my concert, when I'm by myself is India.Arie. She's like my person. I'm in the shower-

Tanya Trotter:

[crosstalk 00:32:04] she's amazing.

Amena Brown:

... I'm in the car I'm like in my mind I'm hitting all the notes. I'm hitting all the same notes that she is singing. If somebody else were in the car, they would be like, "That's not it. That's not it." But in my mind, I'm like me and India are in here doing an equal duet. I'm singing just as good as she is.

Tanya Trotter:

Okay. So I'm going to say this. I would have to say Mahalia Jackson. I'm going way back. Just the way she just attacks a lyric is insane to me, her interpretation. I would have to say her.

Amena Brown:

I love it.

Tanya Trotter:

Yeah. And on the countryside, Patsy Cline, people like that. Their voices are just crazy. Patsy Cline singing that song, it's insane.

Amena Brown:

Oh, so good. Okay. This is a followup question to that. Do you have a favorite music diva? And I know that I'm leaving that definition to be relative because there's a lot of names that could go there. I mean, that could be Dolly Parton. That could be Chaka Khan. It could be Reba McEntire, there's a lot of divas. But do you have a favorite music diva or a couple of them? And if so, who would be some of your favorite music divas?

Tanya Trotter:

I'm going to have to say, of course the queen herself Aretha Franklin, the late great Pamela Bell, chorus of voices and she's in her seventies and she's still slaying, Dolly Parton of course. I love Brandi Carlile, she's incredible. Valerie June, these are all new artists. Valerie June, Brandi Carlile, Cyndi Lauper, that's my girl, let me think. The list just goes... Dead and alive, the list goes on and on. Sara Vaughn, Ella Fitzgerald. God I can't even keep going. The list is extensive. Emmylou Harris. The list is very long, keeps on.

Amena Brown:

So many divas. And it's been interesting to me to think to... I mean, of course part of this is like oh, I'm getting older, but it's interesting to me to think when I think about my mom's generation's music and I'm like okay, I can look at their generation and be like okay, here were the divas of that era of music. And then I think about the music I loved when I was maybe that high school into my early to mid 20s.

Amena Brown:

And now we sort of get to a point when we get in our 30 and 40s forties, that we can then look at the music that we grew up with, the people that were our contemporaries that are going to make that diva cannon, which is been exciting to me to watch. Because when you're young and you're listening to Aretha you're like, "Oh, my gosh. I mean, here is this diva of that era, but I wasn't born to get to go to the show and see her do that in person." There's so many times I'm like I just wish I could... if I could go back in time, I would want to see her live. I would want to see Marvin Gaye. That's like I mean-

Tanya Trotter:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

... do you have artists like that when you-

Tanya Trotter:

Sam and Dave. Sam and Dave, all those soul cats. Otis Redding, just be able to experience them in their prime is insane. I would have just lost all of my mind.

Amena Brown:

Everything. And the fashions. Okay. I do have one more music question, but I do need to step in here and discuss the fashions Tanya, because you are also about these vintage fashions. Can you discuss how did you come to... You already described to us how you came to find your voice musically and you also have come to find this fabulous and gorgeous look when I look at the fashion of you. So talk about that. What was the process of you finding sort of this is my style or how my style is evolving.

Tanya Trotter:

Yeah, it evolves from of course Anita Baker, Julie Andrews style short 1950s pixie cut. And my mother passed away five years ago. This will be five years this past Thanksgiving. And she was from Panama and my grandmother was a seamstress in Panama and my mother's friends were seamstress and they would get all these expensive clothes from the house that my grandmother and my mom and they lived. And they lived with a rich family in the basement. And my grandmother made clothes for this family in Panama. My grandmother was from Costa Rica. So she would have these, my mother would have this beautiful lace, beautiful fabric growing up. And I remember as a kid, I would always like certain things and she would never just buy cheap fabric. And if I did come home with something that was cheap, she was like you don't want to get that because you want to be able to have this in 10 years.

Tanya Trotter:

And when she passed away I got a couple of, I was willed some of her things, like her sweaters and her purses and some of her jewelry. And I was living in a little town called Albion, Michigan, and this place just happened to be a historic area. And they had a ton of vintage stores. So the home we were living in was from it was built in the 1900s. Actually it was built-

Amena Brown:

Wow!

Tanya Trotter:

... in 1900. And so you had this beautiful wool and these beautiful big bay windows and the hardwood floors, and a lot of the artifacts from that era. And it was like something inside of me just exploded when I was there. And I would start going to the even thrift stores, had this fine fabric that my mother introduced me to as a young child and the detail of the clothes, the Cape coat and the 1950 swing dresses or the 1970s dresses where the detail was just so incredible.

Tanya Trotter:

And I fell in love with the detail. And I was like this is like if you've watched that movie Lovecraft Country, where it's like a portal and they jump in and out of the portal, and I was like oh my God just jump into the 1950s, I'm here. And something happened. And I just happened to start dressing like that and then got involved in a community, a pinup community where I could find these clothes overseas and like London and Amsterdam and New Zealand, where it's very popular over there for a lot of the girls to still dress like this. And that was it for me. And I was stuck. I was like this is it. I want nothing else with my life. Am stuck.

Tanya Trotter:

So the turbines and the Cape coast and the long opera gloves, things that in that era, from the forties to even the sixties, people just dress like that every day. I didn't see any pictures of my mother or in growing up when my mother wore tennis shoes.

Amena Brown:

All right.

Tanya Trotter:

Maybe when we went to Kings Dominion or amusement park or somewhere, or she went walking with me, but things that we wear every day now that are common for us, yoga pants, that was for the gym. There was a specific place for you to wear sweat clothes. And that was my... So that's what I saw. And I never even saw my mother until she started getting older, maybe five years before she passed, wear pants. So I went through my whole life seeing this woman wear dresses that just touched below the knee.

Amena Brown:

Wow!

Tanya Trotter:

And but they were fitted dresses. They weren't like... They were the wiggle dresses. There were still sexy dresses and I fell in love with it and it's been what I am just attracted to my soul is just attracted to that energy. And when I see it, I'm like I got to wear this. I have to put this on. Even if I'm the only one walking around looking like I'm in costume.

Amena Brown:

But I mean-

Tanya Trotter:

It was great.

Amena Brown:

It's gorgeous just having seen your style. And of course, following you on Instagram and seeing all of these amazing styles and all this fashion, I mean, it's just it's gorgeous, Tanya. And I think that's really important to... And not all of my listeners are women, but I know for a lot of us who are women, it's finding fashion can be this other place where you get to find your voice and find who you are and how you want to express that through your clothing. And yes girl, you did that. Okay.

Tanya Trotter:

Thank you.

Amena Brown:

Last question I want to ask you is when you need some joy, what are your favorite songs to listen to right now?

Tanya Trotter:

Oh, Michael wrote this song called Joy Don't You Go, and it's a John Lennon-style song. And his actually, not even because he's my husband, I'll tell you a story when I first met him, he had the CD called Shift and I bought six CDs. There was like a Christian rock kind of thing. And I bought six CDs and I played that record to death. If people were stealing it from me, I bought so many, they were like we're taking it because we were sick of hearing it. But he's my favorite songwriter. And I think it's because of how far in he will allow himself to write. So that song, Joy Don't You Go, anything by Mahalia Jackson when I want to feel closer to the universe, when I want to feel, get my soul to that place. There's a song called Oceans. I can't remember. I think it's a Hillsong song and it's one of my favorites when I want to feel close to who I am and what my purpose is. I listened to that song as well. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

Oh, I love it. You all thank you to Tanya Trotter for coming on here, inspiring us, telling us your story, Tanya. Getting to hear some of the music that you love, getting to hear how you make the music that we love as well. Tanya, thank you so much for joining me. I will definitely be letting everyone know how they can follow, but you can listen to Hearts Town. I'm going to tell you all that right now you can listen to Hearts Town wherever you listen to music, go to there, go to there and listen to it. And I heard a rumor Hearts Town be on Vinyl too, for the people that want to be involved in that. It's a lot of things you can be normal, but just go to there and listen to Hearts Town. Tanya, thank you so much.

Tanya Trotter:

Thank you so much for having me and just being the beautiful light that you are. Love you to death and life.

Amena Brown:

Thanks again to Tanya Trotter from The War And Treaty and I'm not playing. You all need to go and listen to that music. You can check out their website, thewarandtreaty.com. You can listen to their newest album Hearts Town, wherever you like to stream your music. You can follow them @thewarandtreaty on Instagram and you can follow Tanya @she_lovesvintage on Instagram. And of course, don't forget, you don't have to remember all this in case you're driving or otherwise indisposed. All of this information will be on the show notes at amenabrown.com/herwithamena. You can find notes, links to the different things that I talk to guests about. So make sure you check that out.

Amena Brown:

And I hope you're following me already, but you're not follow me @amenabee, @amenabee on Instagram. I would love to connect with you. I would love to engage with you, hear your thoughts about these episodes. You can also find on my Instagram there are some different clips and questions they're following up on some of the content we're talking about on the podcast. So I'd love to engage with you there.

Amena Brown:

This week's Give Her A Crown is a shout out to Marah Lidey and Naomi Hirabayshi, co-founders and co-CEOs of Shine, an award-winning self care app and community for people with anxiety and depression. I use Shine myself. And let me tell you to know that there is an app like this with meditation and sleep stories, and so much more founded by two women of color and hearing the voices of women of color as I meditate or take some time to calm my mind while using the app means the world. If you are looking for an app that centers women of color and encourages self care, I highly recommend the Shine app, Mara and Naomi. Thank you for paving the way for women of color and startups and for encouraging conversation around mental health and self-care Mara and Naomi, give them a crown.

Amena Brown:

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening. And don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown episode 77

Amena Brown:

Hey you all. Welcome back to HER with Amena Brown, and yes people, we are a week away from Election Day. In some ways, I want to say we made it. In other ways, I want to say even though we've got a week, we've still got a long way to go. This is your friendly voting reminder. Hopefully you have already voted, maybe through early voting or mailing in your ballot by now, but if you haven't, this is your reminder to do so. Make sure you get out and vote or stay home and vote, but whatever you do, vote. It's very important in every election to vote, especially important in this election. Make sure you do it.

Amena Brown:

As a woman, I have been asked quite a few inappropriate questions, and not too long ago, prior to the pandemic, I was asked a very inappropriate question in a professional setting. This just made me think about what are the things that you should never ask a woman? I thought instead of just including my own narrative, I put it out there to my social media community to ask people to tell me one thing that you should never ask a woman. I want to go through these because I want to share your responses and I'm hoping, if there's anyone listening, that you hear a question you have asked in this list that you will learn today to never ask those things of a woman.

Amena Brown:

Question number one, is that your hair? Never ask a woman is that your hair. If she decides she wants to tell you, then maybe she will. If she bought it, it's all her hair. Question two, what she wants to eat. I feel a little attacked by this question, and my husband is the producer of this podcast and I feel attacked that when I said that out loud he turned to look at me. I feel attacked because, you know what? I'm going to skip to the next question. Question three, this is a combination of questions along the same lines; why are you single, why are you still single, and why aren't you married? Stop asking people about their relationship status. If they want to share it with you, then they will, but stop asking them about it.

Amena Brown:

Sometimes I'm wondering is the problem that people just are not good at conversation, or are even not good at small talk. I get it. Some people, you just hate small talk, but a lot of these questions are coming up in some small talk situations. I do want to provide some suggestions at the end of this of things you could ask other than these questions, but I have to say also, these questions do not just come from strangers. Sometimes they also come from people that you know, but they're asking you this question in a setting that is not like you and your best friend were talking and your best friend's like... I'm saying that and I don't even know that a best friend would ever be like, "Why are you still single?" A best friend might say, "How is your dating life going?" Don't ask these questions, why are you single, why are you still single, why aren't you married? Don't ask those questions.

Amena Brown:

Question number four, were you born a woman? Do not ask these questions. Ever. Question five, a combination here, can you calm down and why are you so emotional? In the history of women womanizing, it has never helped a woman relax by asking her if she can calm down, and I resent the question why are you so emotional, because I think there's this insinuation there that to be emotional is to be a weakness. To be emotional is actually a great strength and can be a great strength, but if other people don't know how to handle their emotions, then sometimes they project onto you that you are what? Too emotional or that you have too many feelings. I think anytime the word too in the T-O-O is placed in front of a word regarding a woman is not a jam; too emotional, too thick, too big, too tall, too short, too whatever that is. You're not too anything. You are who you are in the fullness of that. Don't ever ask a woman these things.

Amena Brown:

Also, I'm covering all the pregnancy and child questions right here. Do not ask a woman, when are you due, are you pregnant, is there a baby in there? That one really makes me mad. Why don't you have kids? When are you going to have a baby? When are you going to have another baby? Let's stop and have a moment right here. Just in general, if you see a woman, I don't care if she has a stomach that looks like she's carrying another adult in there, you keep your eyes on the road. You keep your eyes on her eyes. You don't ask her anything unless she says that words to you, "I am pregnant." She says the words to you, "I would like to talk to you about my pregnancy." Because even, "I am pregnant" is not an invitation to have further conversation with her about her body. She would basically have to say a paragraph of things to you. I'm pregnant, and I would love to talk to you as a stranger about the myriad details of my pregnancy. Please ask me a question.

Amena Brown:

If you ever hear that from a woman, go on. Ask her, is there a baby in there? Ask her all these questions. Don't ask her when is she going to have another baby. Let me just give a little PSA right here. You don't know the story that a woman may have behind pregnancy, fertility, loss. You don't know any of those things. These questions that people might assume are small talk, are innocent questions, are never innocent questions. I just want to yell from the rooftops, never ask a woman these questions, and I just want to say, if you're listening and you have been asked these questions, I think it's well within your rights to just go ahead and come up with an equally uncomfortable response. I'm still trying to think through this.

Amena Brown:

There was somebody on my Facebook page who said whenever someone would ask her why she doesn't have kids or when she's going to have kids, she would say to them, "When was the last time you had sex?" They would get super uncomfortable right there. I think you should definitely come up with an answer right there. So far, one of the ones I'm sticking with is if someone is asking me why don't I have kids, if they want to know when I'm going to try, am I trying, all those things, my replacement question for them is I'm going to ask them have they had sex with a bear? I feel like that's an equally important question to ask. If you can ask me what my genitalia or my other reproductive organs are doing, then I should be able to point the question back to you. If you feel uncomfortable answering, then you should feel uncomfortable asking me. Do not inquire about what anyone's genitalia or reproductive organs are doing. Do not inquire.

Amena Brown:

Next question. What's your cup size? This question really sent me. I was commenting with people a little bit when I was asking this question, and I can't imagine a situation I would be in where someone who I don't know well or who I don't feel comfortable with would ask me my cup size. Okay. Next, this question is a banger. Is it that time of the month? I'll tell you the truth. First of all, periods have been blamed for quite a few things that are really the fault of sexism. I stand by that. I can remember times in high school that I would be overhearing a conversation where a girl is getting mad about a particular thing and it's a guy looking at her saying, more than likely, a phrase like this or similar to, "Are you on the rag?" I know I'm not the only person who remembers these types of phrases too. Is it that time of the month? Maybe it is, but whatever it is is none of your business. Whatever time of the month is none of your business.

Amena Brown:

Also, periods get thrown under the bus when periods are just fine. Periods are happening to probably more than half of the population of the world. Periods are normal. Periods are fine. There's nothing wrong with a woman having a time of the month, but also, there is this insinuation that because a woman is having her, air quote, time of the month, or because a person is having their, air quotes, time of the month, that means that person is wilding out, they're angry, they can't handle their feelings and emotions, and yet, we see men in leadership all over America who do not have an, air quote, time of the month, and yet manage to be irrational and manage to make decisions based solely on their feelings, but no one's asking them is it their testicle's time of month. Okay. Let's go on.

Amena Brown:

Next question. Asking a lesbian couple who is the man in the relationship. If you have asked this question, I hope this is your warning. Do not do that ever, ever again. Never ask a woman or a lesbian couple this question. Next question, this question actually is opening up with what is supposed to sound like a compliment and then it's not. You look good. Have you lost weight? What? Also, have you gained weight? Either of these questions regarding weight are not on the table of questions to ask. Okay. First of all, whatever a person is doing with their weight is whatever they want to do with it. You don't get to comment whether they lost it or they gained it. Sometimes isn't it interesting that in these conversations regarding lost weight or gained weight that there can be, depending on your cultural background, there can be particular value placed on whether you've lost weight or you gained weight.

Amena Brown:

I remember there'll be times that we would get together for our family reunion, and most of my family is from North Carolina. We'd all get together for a family reunion and if you had not been around the family in awhile, there was typically some commentary on your weight. There was typically this comment of either, "Baby, have you been eating? Do you even eat any food? You're wasting away." Or there would be this comment to say, "Oh, baby. You done got large. You done got huge." You can be in these situations not just with strangers, but even with your family members. People, don't comment on people's weight. Okay. Don't do that. There's no reason why you need to have that discussion. We don't need to place value upon losing or gaining weight. We don't want to place value on people based on their body. We want to place value on them based on who they are. We want to accept them in all of the ways their body represents itself. Okay. Boom. Next.

Amena Brown:

Does the carpet match the drapes? I understand that people feel very interested in home décor because of HGTV. I understand that. You're interested in what other people are doing with their shiplap, but look, you save those questions for when it's somebody's actual house. You don't need to be worried about nobody's carpet, nobody's drapes, nobody's valence, whatever. You don't need to be worried about any of that on anybody's body. Okay. You save that for some show on renovation. You don't do that when you're talking to someone. Hey, if a person gives you permission to see the carpet or see the drapes, then you'll find it, but if you're not in a situation where they're giving you permission to know what the drapes or the carpet or the wallpaper are doing, you don't need to be worried about it. Okay?

Amena Brown:

Next question. How many people have you slept with? I just tire of the ways that people are wearing us out with these questions. How many people have you slept with? I just have to go back to a very basic junior high answer, and the answer is none-ya. Yes, none-ya is a number. None-ya is an amount. It is quantified. None-ya is to say never. It is a long amount of time. None-ya involves a lot of enumeration and none-ya is basically saying whatever the number is, it's what, none of your business. Thank you Salt-N-Pepa for reminding us about that. Okay. It's none of your business. You don't need to know about that. If a person chooses to share that with you, they share it, but you don't need to be asking it. You don't need to know about that. Okay.

Amena Brown:

Next. Why don't you smile more? It is not our job as women to entertain. It's not our job as women to have to make people comfortable. We smile when we want to smile, and when we don't want to smile, we don't. You don't need to be quantifying or measuring how much I smile. You don't need to be worrying about why don't I smile more. In general, I want to remind everyone, don't ask questions about a woman's body. Don't ask questions regarding her period. Don't ask questions about things that are a woman's personal business that don't have nothing to do with you.

Amena Brown:

I want to give honorable mention. These three things were not questions but they were brought up a couple of times as I was talking to people from social media. These three statements are also things you should never say to a woman. Number one, you look tired. What am I supposed to do with that information? You tell me I look tired. What am I supposed to do? At the moment you say it to me, I'm supposed to go lay down? Take a nap somewhere? I look tired. Maybe I am tired, but maybe I'm not. Now you told me I look tired. What is the point of it? Don't say it. Number two, hush. I'm going to also add to this shh. Unless you're a librarian and I'm in the library making sure where there were clearly signs that stated don't talk in here, you should not be telling a woman to hush or shush. Lastly, you should not be telling a woman to calm down. It's not going to work actually. It's not a good tactic. Just like when a woman is angry or upset, how men in the movies always kiss her. Terrible tactic. Don't do these things.

Amena Brown:

What are things that you can say instead when you are looking to just have small talk in a personal or professional situation? Maybe you find yourself at the hors d'oeuvre table next to a woman. You just wanted to say hello. There are thousands of other questions that are not these, such as what is her favorite fruit snack? You can also ask her where did she get those shoes. You can also ask her, what is one fun thing she did this week? I just gave you three questions that are great that will actually help you get to know this person that are avoiding things that are what? None of your business. Okay. This ends my PSA of things you should never ask a woman.

Amena Brown:

This week, I was thinking a lot about a question that a friend of mine asked me a few months ago. She asked me, in my life, what are the books that have most influenced, encouraged me in my Black womanhood. It's a really interesting question to think about. I don't know how many of you are avid readers or loved reading even as a kid, but I was totally like that. I loved reading as a kid. Thinking about the books that become these different landmark readings in your life that you remember getting ahold of that book and what it meant to you to find yourself or see yourself on the page. Just recently, there have been obviously a lot of conversation right now about how we can be supporting Black creatives and Black authors included in that, and how to uplift the stories that Black people are telling, and in particular, that Black women are telling.

Amena Brown:

I wanted to lift up a few of the books that have meant the world to me in my Black girl and Black woman journey. I hope that for my Black women listeners that if you have not read some of these books, maybe you will also be encourage to read them and check them out, some of them to reread, some of them are books that I reread at certain different times. For my listeners who are not Black women that hearing some of the titles of these books or authors of these books would also be helpful for you as you are thinking about how you can engage more in supporting and learning from the work of Black women.

Amena Brown:

First book on my list is For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide/When the Rainbow Is Enuf by Ntozake Shange. I actually saw this choreopoem as a play before I read it on it's pages. I saw it as a play when I was in college, at Spelman College, and it was, and still is, the most beautiful pieces of performance art I've ever seen. It was years later that I actually purchased the book and got to read it and reread it and reread it. It influences me so much as a poet who is writing work to perform on stage and reading the amazing things that Ntozake Shange was able to do with these words that I experienced powerfully in both forms. I experienced in powerfully as a stage play and experienced it powerfully in it's reading. I do want to say, if you have watched the For Colored Girls film that Tyler Perry made, I do highly encourage you to also buy the book and read the words that Ntozake Shange wrote. They are so powerful and as happens, the movies and films do not always or cannot always really contain all of the amazing things that are in a book, and this book, highly recommend.

Amena Brown:

Second book on my list, these are not in any particular order. Second book on my list is The Color Purple by Alice Walker, which also became a film and also became a Broadway play. I would encourage you, if you can and are able to, to experience The Color Purple is all three forms. You'll find different parts of the book highlighted in a certain way in the film, highlighted in different ways in the play and musical. The Color Purple was a book I read, I think, in eighth grade. I was actually reading The Color Purple and this other book called The Awakening. I was writing a paper on them both, but The Color Purple being, at that time, reading it so young, starting out, if you've never read The Color Purple, the first few pages of The Color Purple are some of the rawest fiction that you may have ever read. It is a very raw story, and I do want to give trigger warnings about that very raw story of abuse and assault very on in this book.

Amena Brown:

If you are able to continue on as Alice Walker unfolds the story, which is a story full of letter-writing, and some of that letter-writing is from Celie, the central character to God. Later as the story progresses, those letters are between Celie and her sister, Nettie. There's whole lexicon of things that come from The Color Purple for so many black women in America, but The Color Purple is such a quintessential work for me because I remember reading that novel as a junior high student. I don't know if that was too young or not, but I was reading it.

Amena Brown:

I remember reading it again later, maybe when I was in college. I think I was in my 20s, maybe late 20s, when I saw the musical on Broadway. The one that I went to see, Fantasia was starring as Celie. Also, obviously I watched the movie many, many time. Many, many times. So many times. There's certain parts of that movie that I know almost by heart. I reread the book not too long ago and this time in reading it, what really struck me is the strong sense of spirituality in that book. There are different things I feel that book showed me even about God and sort of the role of God in that story, the role of God in my own life. It was interesting to read that and sort of read through this lens of Black woman's spirituality. Highly recommend The Color Purple.

Amena Brown:

One other book that I'll recommend to you all, I obviously have a list of bunches and bunches of these, but one of my more recent reads is Sisters of the Yam by bell hooks. I actually started to read Sisters of the Yam during a time that I was really going through a difficult time in my health and I had this major, major surgery, required a long recovery time for me anyway. It was six to eight weeks. That was a long time for me at that time in my life to just focus on sitting still and getting well. I started reading Sisters of the Yam then and there's a lot to say about bell hooks. Anything that you see bell hooks' name on I think is worthy reading. Sisters of the Yam was really a healing text for me, helped me to really learn, as I'm continuing to learn, about what radical self care what looks, what it looks like to love yourself actually, and she really goes into the different systems that are in place that do not make it easy or make it simple even for Black women to love themselves. Big shout-out to bell hooks. She is a wonderful author and writer and thinker to read, but I highly recommend Sisters of the Yam.

Amena Brown:

I'll add one more. My other one, which is sort of like a gateway book into this writer is I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, and I say that because I remember when that book was a part of Oprah's Book Club and Oprah talking about what it meant to her to read those first few lines of I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, and I remember reading it and having grown up in church and having that Easter speech moment, but I say that I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings is a gateway because once you start that book, then you're opening yourself up to this whole world of the work of Dr. Maya Angelou. As a poet, Dr. Angelou obviously highly influenced me and the work that I'm doing today. Some of her work were early things that I memorized. Memorizing Phenomenal Woman for an oratorical contest that my church growing up used to do every Black History Month and memorizing Still I Rise.

Amena Brown:

Not only is Dr. Angelou's poetry amazing, but her autobiographical series that begins with I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings and goes on for several books. I think that's a wonderful gateway to start with and just read and read and read until you've read through all of her books. I do want to give a special shout-out to Phenomenal Woman. I watched a new movie recently called Miss Juneteenth. Miss Juneteenth is a pageant in this story of this film and the daughter of the central character is memorizing Phenomenal Woman to perform in the movie, and the mother has also memorized it and that just totally resonated with me because that's a huge part of my history to have memorized Dr. Maya Angelou's work and really her work on stage teaching me in its own way how to eventually become comfortable with my own writing voice.

Amena Brown:

Those are a few books I would recommend, books I would say have been really quintessential for me in my upbringing. I would encourage you, dig into these works and if any of my listeners have any suggestions for me, especially my Black woman listeners, you have suggestions for me of other Black womanhood books that you would love for me to shout-out here, please let me know or reach out to me on socials. I'd love to hear it.

Amena Brown:

Okay. For this week's podcast, we are doing a new segment, but it will be recurring. I'll come back and do this every now and then. This segment is called Ask Amena, and if you have questions you want to ask me, it could be questions you want to know about me, you want to know about just life or macaroni and cheese. We can also talk about that. If you have things that you might like advice on, I will also take those. You can use the hashtag #AskAmena and I can answer your questions that way.

Amena Brown:

I've got a few questions from social media. Let's dive in. Which dance movie gives you life? Okay. I feel like I'm about to disappoint with this answer because I don't really have a favorite dance movie. There are very few musicals or dance movies that I like. I just lost a listener probably right now. They were like no, I'm out of here. I don't need to listen to her anymore. I will tell you one of my favorite dance scenes, and I'm like, does this count as a dance scene? I think it does. I don't know if this is actually in the category of dance movie because so many other things were going on, but Spike Lee's movie School Daze, which was this exploration of historically black college and university life, has a scene in this hair salon that is probably one of my favorite dance scenes. If you haven't seen School Daze, you need to see it, but if you have seen School Daze, you know immediately what I'm talking about. I'm so sorry that's the only answer I have for you there. If you have dance movies suggestions for me, I'd love to hear them.

Amena Brown:

Next question says, when will we have donuts together again? Like you and I and the royal we. This is from my friend, Audrey. Audrey, thank you. Audrey, you and I, we need to figure out how we're going to have donuts together again. First of all, it's really hard for me and my anxiety to try to figure out how to meet up with my friends, especially those that have been doing a good job social distancing. It's hard to find ways to meet up with them and eat, because it's like any other activity, if we were to go for a walk outside together, if we were to just sit on each other's porches socially distanced, that's fine, but when you bring food and drink into it, I still haven't figured that out. I've had a couple of little gatherings where I've tried this, but it's hard to figure out, because it's like, okay, I've got to take this mask down to eat some food. Then at some I've got to put the mask back up, because I can't enjoy a donut or sit and drink coffee with you with my mask up.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, like many of you, I saw the clip where there was like a masked designed where it had some sort of apparatus in it where you could keep your mask on and somehow still eat, and it just grossed me out. I can't. When will we get to have donuts together again, Audrey? I hope we figure out a way to do it soon. The royal we, when will we have donuts together again, I don't know. I feel like our safest bet is to get our own collective donuts and have some sort of Zoom donut eating. That's the best best. Otherwise, I don't know. You have to find some sort of six foot long table and you and your friends sit at the ends of it. I wonder if that's going to happen eventually. Well, first of all, we hope we're not in the pandemic long enough for this to happen, but I don't know. The way that things are being handled right now, it makes me feel like we're going to be in this for awhile.

Amena Brown:

I don't know if coffee shops are going to get rid of the little small circle tables, where it was really intimate for you to go there on a date or sit there with your friend and talk. Is it going to turn into all the tables in coffee shops are six feet long? All those long farmer looking tables. Except now, instead of eight people being able to sit there, only two people sit there and they sit at either end. I just don't know. All that to say, let us talk about donuts because this is very important. I'm a big fan of donuts. I will share with you all that I have a passion project that I do with my sister-in-law. We have a pop-up podcast called Here for the Donuts, and I say pop-up because it basically pops up when she I actually have time to record it. We haven't posted a new one in awhile, but you can go there and listen to the archives of that and hear all of the amazing donut places we've been to.

Amena Brown:

I want to give a shout-out to my favorite donut place in Atlanta, Revolution Donuts. They're my favorite place. They are the place that my friend Audrey and I love to get donuts as well. What is your favorite donut place? I'd love to hear from you all. Tell me more about that. All right, next question. Somebody is trying to get vulnerable today. How do you keep going and keep your heart soft? Whew. That's deep. That's a deep question today. How do you keep going and keep your heart soft? I think the name of the game for me, I probably would never describe it as keeping my heart soft, but I think what that phrase sounds like to me is how do you remain open, how do you remain vulnerable, even in the middle of times, whether collectively or personally, that would cause you to have a heart that's hardened or cause you to not remain open to things, to people, et cetera.

Amena Brown:

I think a part of that for me is really... the phrase that came to my mind first is self care. I know when we hear that phrase, sometimes... this is the same for me too. I hear that phrase and I immediately start rolling my eyes like oh, I don't want to hear about any more bath bombs, but as a side, I actually really love bath bombs. I think when we hear self care, we just think about baths and facials and all sorts of things like that, but for me, self care encompasses quite a few things. Right now, in this season of my life, includes therapy. I think that's one thing that keeps my heart open and soft is having a place to talk to a professional about the things that I am processing mentally and emotionally. Having someone who's objective, who doesn't have any personal skin in the game of my life that can hear what's underneath the things that I might be thinking or the patterns that I have in my life. That's been really helpful.

Amena Brown:

Having a squad of wonderful women friends is also something that has kept my heart very open and soft, because when you have good and deep friendships, for me that is very much my women friendships, but whatever those friendships look like for you, just having people that you don't have to put on for them. You can tell them your insecurities, you can tell them where you're struggling, you can tell them your petty thoughts and really be vulnerable and be yourself, whether yourself feels beautiful that day, whether yourself feels not so beautiful that day. Whatever. I think having people like that in my life has been really helpful. I would say my husband also, and my husband and I were friends before we were ever together romantically. We were actually chatting about that before we started recording. I think having a spouse and a partner in life that I can really be who I am with. I live in the same house with him, but I can also be at home with him. That's a big help for me.

Amena Brown:

I've been thinking a lot about what my spiritual practice looks like in this season of life, and for me, I am a Christian, I'm a part of the Christian tradition and I have been examining a lot of, well, what are my spiritual practices within my faith context, and what are some new spiritual practices that are maybe things that I didn't grow up with in my faith context, but are wonderful spiritual practices for me? Gospel music is a big one for me. Some of those songs just still are just in the core of my soul and help remind me that there is a life and a world and God that's bigger than I am. That's something that helps keep my heart soft.

Amena Brown:

I am just ankle-deep in meditation. I'm very new to meditation. I haven't gotten to the point where I'm doing meditation unassisted. I've been doing guided meditation and there are two apps that I really love. I love the Headspace app and I love the Shine app as well. I especially love the Shine app because I'm getting to hear the voices of women of color on their guiding meditation and different sleep stories and things like that. Meditation has been really helpful for me in keeping my heart soft because it is something that helps me remain grounded and centered. It's a place where I can come back to focusing on my breath and things like that. That's been really important for me. Those are a few things that are really keeping me going right now, keeping my heart soft.

Amena Brown:

Of course, finding ways to laugh and finding things that bring me joy. I love cooking. I love cooking really for the mindfulness. I think sometimes cooking itself or baking can be a spiritual practice. I've been watching a lot more comedies lately, just to remind myself to laugh and be silly. I'll tell you something else that my husband and I have been doing. I don't know if you all have been watching Cobra Kai on Netflix. I love Cobra Kai. It's everything, and it's probably everything to me in particular because I also was a Karate Kid fan. I never took karate as a kid or anything like that, but I loved Karate Kid, the whole series. I loved it. My husband and I went back to watch Cobra Kai. It's just like this wonderful moment where you're getting to see whatever happened to Daniel's son?

Amena Brown:

One thing that we've been doing is whenever there's a fight scene in Cobra Kai, we stand up and we do our own karate kicks and we yell hi-yah, hi-yah, hi-yah. I'm going to tell you, if you have an argument with your spouse, you have a fight with your partner, you all have talked it out and then you all get to the point where there's really nothing else to say in the argument and it's just that awkward air where you either resolved it or you've resolved as much as you can in a conversation, but you still just have the awkward air and need to deal with it, listen, give yourself three karate kicks and yell hi-yah three times, totally gets rid of the awkward air. I'm here giving you all relationship tips. Okay. Please.

Amena Brown:

Next question. Do you ever struggle with putting yourself, your work, out for all to see and judge? Okay. I'm going to answer these two separately regarding putting yourself and then putting your work out there. I'll say those two are kind of different for me. Regarding putting my work out there, do I ever struggle with it? Absolutely. As I've grown older, matured as a writer, I feel like my work gets more and more vulnerable because I am becoming more and more comfortable with really being myself. There have been several pieces that I've written. In particular, more and more in the last several years that I have felt really nervous to put out there because they were so vulnerable.

Amena Brown:

I wrote a poem called Mothers of Invisible Children that was about my experience with miscarriage and I remember the first time I ever performed. I wouldn't say performed that piece. It's such a vulnerable piece. I always read it. It would be too hard and too emotional even to memorize for me, but I remember I was performing at one of our local open mics. I was the feature artist for one of the events and I don't know why, but that poem was really in my mind leading up to the event. I just decided to start my set with it and to hold space for people that had experienced miscarriage, to hold space for people that had experienced just grief and loss overall. There is this struggle, especially for me as a poet, in putting out work that is very vulnerable because sometimes as a poet I'm writing about TV sitcoms or I'm writing about all the things I think are amazing about being a Black girl. Those poems I don't as much struggle putting out there because they're not vulnerable in the same way as if I'm telling something that is a hard story for me.

Amena Brown:

A lot of times I will say, for me as a writer, I've learned that it's okay for me to write something vulnerable and that it may not be for the public. I have many poems that never see the light of day as far as anyone else seeing them, but it doesn't mean they were any less important to write. Then there are things that I have written for my own private processing, and then those things get to a point where I realize this is something that I think may help someone else or help someone else feel seen or known or understood. That makes it important to share in public. I think I do a lot of processing about the work that I do share, and I make decisions about what's private and what's public. I have to say, I worry less about how the work will be judged once I come to peace with why I put it out there. I think that's one of the things that I guess helps me in that struggle is knowing what is the purpose that makes me want to put out this work? The purpose, in a lot of cases for me, will override whatever criticism or judgment could come from it.

Amena Brown:

Let me go back to this question, considering it not just about my work, but about myself. Do you ever struggle with putting yourself out there for all to see and judge? I probably struggle with that for myself even more than my work, because as a writer, you're constantly drafting and editing. By the time a piece comes out in the public, I'm not a person that writes a first draft and then that night puts it out there. If I put something out there in the public, it's gone through a lot of drafting, which has given me time to process what I'm saying, to process if I stand for what I said and all those things. Whereas when you are just out in the world in society being yourself, you're not always able to process it all and do all these edits to yourself. You just are who you are.

Amena Brown:

Yes, I do struggle with putting myself out there for people to see and judge. Other reasons to be in therapy, because I do talk to my therapist about that. There are a lot of ways that my own inner voice is very judgmental of myself. Sometimes it's not even just the struggle of how other people will judge me. It's also the struggle of how I inwardly judge myself. A lot of my inner healing work and therapy and honestly, in prayer and in my relationships too, my family and friends, who've really helped me in the healing process of learning to love and accept who I am and be fully who I am. Of course, time and age for me has helped with that too. I just probably care less at this stage of life than maybe I would have 10 years ago as far feeling like I need to make myself something else for other people. I think all of those spaces are very helpful for me in being who I am. I think, in a way, accepting that people will judge and they will criticize.

Amena Brown:

I remember I was in, not with my current therapist, but with a therapist I had in the past, we were having a conversation about how I kept saying yes to things and I wouldn't say no to enough things, and she asked me why. I said, well, I just hate to disappoint people. She was like, I have something to tell you. She was like, no matter what you do, people will be disappointed. I know that seems so simple and so basic facts, but I just didn't think of it that way. I just really thought I can do a bunch of things so that people won't be disappointed. When she said that, it really freed me and I think it can also be freeing to realize people are going to judge. People are going to criticize you. People are not going to understand who you are, the decisions you need to make to do what's best for you.

Amena Brown:

There are just going to be people who don't get that, who think that's dumb or stupid or whatever, and they are not the center. They are not why you do what you do or why you should continue to be who you are. They deserve less energy and less space. The people accept you and do show you love and support, those people deserve more of your energy. Really, even peeling back the layer of that, that I should accept myself and judge myself less too. Great question.

Amena Brown:

Okay, next question, boy, you all came in here with some questions today. I'm glad that I have a therapy appointment today because maybe I should take these questions into therapy and ask my therapist these questions too. Okay. Next question says, how did you overcome imposter syndrome? I'm curious almost to know what is the definition of imposter syndrome. I'm actually going to look one up real quick. Okay, general definition, imposter syndrome is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their skills, talents, or accomplishments, and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a fraud. I actually have three overcome questions right here. I want to say, before I get into any of them, that I feel like imposter syndrome, we're also going to talk about writer's block and insecurity, all three of these are things that are going to come up periodically.

Amena Brown:

I think it's less of will you ever get to a place where you're like oh, I don't think about that anymore. I don't deal with that. Maybe you will, but for most of us, that won't be the case. For most of us, it will mean those thoughts, those feelings will pop up, but it will be more of a question of what is your process for how you deal with those things when they come up. What's your emotional filing system, if that makes sense. Where do you put those things so they go in their proper place, instead of being at the center of how you have to interact and live in the world.

Amena Brown:

One of the things that helps me with imposter syndrome is, again, my community and relationships, the people who are close to me. I have amazing friends in general, but I have two friends who, and I was actually just talking to a friend about this. I think in one of these episodes I want to talk about the types of friends that I think every person should have. I'm going to work on that, but we were talking about how it's important to have friends that you know in your personal life, but it's also important to have friends that you know in your professional life as well.

Amena Brown:

I have two friends who we talk about our personal lives too, but we also talk a lot about work, because we work in similar industries, even though we all do different things. I have two friends that when I get a big meeting, for example, and I'm just like, oh my gosh, some times I'll get a big meeting with someone who's work I've admired a long time or who I'm super impressed with, and I will have to call one of those friends and go, whoa, girl. I'm about to have this meeting with, insert this person's name. Give me the talk. I have really good friends in my life. I have one friend, in particular, that I can think about and she'll tell me, "Hey, you're a badass too. Just because you're going to go in and meet with this person. They might be a badass, but you're a badass too."

Amena Brown:

I think having people that can speak the truth back to you, because imposter syndrome is inevitably and intrinsically a lie, because it is not speaking to you about who you are. It's speaking to you about how you perceive yourself, how other people perceive you. Sometimes you need somebody who's sort of outside of you that can remind you, hey girl, let me tell you who you are. Let me tell you these things that you've accomplished. Let me tell you these things you've survived and you've made it through. That's been a big help for me in walking through imposter syndrome.

Amena Brown:

I think, also, the other thing that helps me with imposter syndrome is just remaining connected to the women that I come from. I think about my mom and I think about my grandmother, and I think about my great-grandmother, and thinking about the things that they survived, that they went through, that they invested in so that I could be a podcast host and be a poet and have a business with my husband. There are all these things in my life that I would not be able to do if those women had not gone before me. I think when I remain connected to that, it also helps me to not be so focused on worrying only about myself, but it helps me to remember that I can walk in confidence because of the women who came before me and just sort of widens my view. I think that can be really helpful with imposter syndrome, when we widen the view of who we are, of our place in the world, of the people that worked hard and sacrificed so we could get to the place where we are and be who we are.

Amena Brown:

When I think about my great-grandmother not even being able to graduate high school, but she sacrificed that so that my grandmother could graduate from high school, and my grandmother sacrificed so that my mother could become a nurse and make it to college. My single mom sacrificed so that my sister and I both could go to college and graduate and be artists and live our lives according to the things we were passionate about. I wouldn't be able to do this if it weren't for those women, and that sort of helps me remember my confidence is not just only in myself and what I have, what I can do in this moment; that I am really standing in the confidence and in the strength of these women before me. That's been huge helpful for me.

Amena Brown:

Next question says, how do you overcome writer's block? Writers block sucks. It sucks. I feel like the longest period of time I've had writer's block, I think it was a year and a half. I think so far that's the longest I've gone since I've been an adult anyway without writing. I want to normalize writer's block. I think sometimes writer's block comes up for us as writers and we are afraid that it means we will never write. I think if we normalize that writer's block is going to happen, and writer's block happens for various reasons, but if we normalize it, then we know writer's block is going to come and instead of me fearing it and clinching myself and forcing myself to try to not have writer's block, we can sort of welcome the process of writer's block in a way and maybe do some digging to figure out, can we sense the reasons why we might have writer's block? How can we move past that or how can we sit in writer's block until we're not longer blocked?

Amena Brown:

there's a couple of things. Sometimes writer's block happens because we're tired. I can't write when I'm exhausted, and that can mean physically exhausted, that can mean emotionally exhausted. I also think there is such a thing as being creatively exhausted as well. That doesn't mean you're being exhausted in creative ways, but it means your creative brain, the part of you that thinks up new ideas is exhausted. When I finished writing my second book, How to Fix a Broken Record, that was the longest period I had of writer's block after I wrote that book. I didn't write a year, year and a half. I think year and a half right there was the stretch. A part of that was just having creative fatigue, in a way; that I'd put so much of myself emotionally into this book and I just kind of had to re-up, and it took me a long time and some other really terrible things happened in that same time.

Amena Brown:

Because those terrible things happened in addition to the book, that just shut me down completely, but it didn't mean anything was wrong with me, that I couldn't write. It just meant I needed some time away from it. I needed some time to rest and heal and find my voice. Sometimes we have writer's block because we're afraid of what we have to write. Sometimes we have writer's block because we know what we need to write and we fear it. That you can also walk through and sometimes, for me, when I have that type of writer's block, if I'm working on a book, for example, and books are always scary to write. I don't care who's writing them. Okay. Well, I will say, I don't know about fiction books, because I've never written fiction, but writing non-fiction is always scary for me, and most of my friends who write non-fiction books, it's always a scary process. You're always afraid. You would rather run and do anything else for weeks before you want to sit down and write this book.

Amena Brown:

Sometimes you're going to have writer's block because you're afraid. There are little techniques that you can use to help yourself work through that fear. Sometimes for me it'll just be like okay, maybe I can't sit down and write a thousand words today, but I can sit in my chair for 30 minutes, for 25 minutes, and just write whatever comes out and then as soon as my alarm goes off, I'm going to get up and run away from here. I think you have to dig underneath what are the reasons why you might be having writer's block. The other thing I will say is sometimes you have writer's block because you are letting your editor and your critic in the room with you when you write. They are not welcome in the room when you write.

Amena Brown:

You need your editor voice at a later point in your writing process, but at the very beginning, you need to just write, and if we let our editor voice in the room with us, then our editor voice can cause us to have writer's block because then we're questioning every word we write. We're questioning did the comma get put in the right place and should we use the em dash and should we use a semicolon? All those questions don't belong in the writer's room. In your personal writer's room, it should be you and your thoughts or your characters, the voice of the story that you want to tell. You let your editor in after you've written. Those are a few things I do to overcome writer's block.

Amena Brown:

Last question, how do you overcome insecurity? You all were not playing with these questions. You all really fit me with some Ask Amena questions this time. How do you overcome insecurity? I repeat what I said when I got into these first overcome questions. I don't know if insecurity is something you ever completely overcome. I don't know that there's any human being that's like, I never feel insecure. Over your whole life, you'll have different reasons to feel insecure, different things that you'll be insecure about. I think it's less about getting to a point where you no longer feel insecure at all and more about how you process insecurities when they come up and how you manage your emotions and your thoughts as you walk through that.

Amena Brown:

No, I have not overcome insecurity and I probably won't in my whole life, but I don't know if this sounds weird or not, but one of the things that has been helpful to me in overcoming insecurity is spending time alone with myself and I have really had a hard time doing that sometimes because I love engaging with people and I love talking with them. Even when I'm alone sometimes, I have all these different apps where I talk to my different friends across the country, and the times that I feel the most insecure, when I give myself some time away from the phone, when I take that time to read or sit just in silence quietly.

Amena Brown:

Evens sometimes when I'm driving and I'm just by myself driving, listening to music. Just spending time with myself. It really helps me to become more secure in who I am and to accept who I am, and that I am a beautiful person, that I'm a beautiful human being and that I'm also imperfect and I'm going to mess up. That I'm a human with imperfections, that I hurt, that I get angry, that I make mistakes and that sometimes I do things that make me so proud of myself, but in a way, our security can't be found externally. We're not going to find our security in our relationships to other people. Other people can't make us feel more secure about ourselves. That's our own work that we have to do, and when we spend time with ourselves, it helps us to get to know ourselves and it helps us to love ourselves, and I think that security and accepting who we are comes from being able to be with who we are and love us in a similar way that we sort of give that attention to other people, but giving ourselves that same energy.

Amena Brown:

My therapist said something to me when I was talking to her several sessions ago and I was telling her how I really, really love to be a good friend to my friends, to be supportive to them when they are going through a hard thing, to cheer them on when they're going through a great thing, and I told her, due to some things going on in my life, I felt like I just wasn't able to be there for my friends as much as I wanted to be. She said to me, after evaluating all the things that were going on in my life, she said, "I think it's good that you want to be a good friend." She said, "I want you to remember that you can be a good friend to yourself too." I wrote that on a Post-it Note and every now and then, I come across that Post-it Note and I remember it. We can begin the journey of becoming more secure in who we are when we remember to be our own friend too.

Amena Brown:

I hope that's helpful to you all. This was great. You all asked some great questions on this week's addition of hashtag Ask Amena. I'll come back periodically and we'll do this, and if you have any questions, you can feel free to send me DMs. I'm mostly active on Instagram, a little bit on Twitter as well. Feel free to comment on any of the podcast posts that you see and let me know what questions you have. I'd love to address them next time.

Amena Brown:

Every week here on HER with Amena Brown, I like to close the episode by choosing a woman of color and giving her a crown. What it means when I Give Her A Crown, I just think of a woman of color whose work is amazing, whose personal story really inspires me, and it gives me an opportunity to celebrate her, because women of color deserve to be celebrated. Maybe you also know some women of color in your own life that deserve a crown, so I really encourage you to give them a crown, give them their flowers while they can smell them and appreciate them. give them all of the good words and encouragement as you can, because you can't get enough of that.

Amena Brown:

For this week's Give Her A Crown, I want to give a crown to Milck. Milck is spelled M-I-L-C-K. Milck is a fabulous singer/songwriter. She wrote the song "I Can't Keep Quiet" and is the founder of the I Can't Keep Quiet Movement. I got to hear Milck on the side of state at the Together Live Tour last fall, fall of 2019, in the before times, when we were still going to live events, and I was part of the tour as well. I was performing poetry there, but Milck opened up one of the nights of the tour with her music, and just hearing her there playing at the piano, hearing her amazing voice singing was one of the most beautiful things I witnessed on the tour. I've been following her ever since, and even in these times now that we in a pandemic as well as in an uprising, and watching the ways that Milck is using her voice and her music to uplift us, to speak the truth to us, to remind us to care for ourselves and care for each other. I just think that's beautiful.

Amena Brown:

Her newest single, "Somebody's Beloved", or it could be beloved, is out now wherever you like to stream your music. Make sure you follow Milck. You could get all this information in the show notes on amenabrown.com/herwithamena. You can get a link to Milck's website there as well as information about how you can follow her, stream her music, download her music, support her music. She's amazing. Yes, Milck. Give her a crown.

Amena Brown:

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions, as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network, in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 76

Amena Brown:

Hey, y'all. Welcome back to this week's episode of HER with Amena Brown. And you know what I realized, y'all? I, several weeks ago, did an episode called Everyone Needs That Friend. And y'all know what? I actually had a part two to that, that y'all are just now getting to hear. So, I'm going to talk through the part two things, but just feel like this came out shortly after the first one. So, I wanted to talk about everyone needs that friend, because I really enjoyed our part one episode. And we talked about quite a few friends that you need in your life. So, I wanted to name a few other types of friends. And then at the end of this episode, I want to talk about new friends, because I think new friends are also important and it's important for us to give ourselves grace if we go through seasons where we may not be in a new friend's capacity.

Amena Brown:

One friend that everyone needs is you need a Come As You Are Friend. And I specifically mean a friend that you can have come to your house when your house isn't clean and that they are not so bothered that your house isn't clean, that they came to just sit down and hang out with you. You need a friend like that. You also probably need some friends who just are very neat like that. You probably do need those people too. But you need even somebody who could be neat, but could come to your house and be like, I see that the floors need to be swept. I see that the toilet may not be cleaned all the way. I see that it's dusty in here, but I don't care, because I came here to see my friend. You need that kind of friend. And I appreciate those friends.

Amena Brown:

I try to be that friend to other people, if I can. I try to be like, I'm just come to your house. We can kick it. We can light a candle. Also, I'm your friend. I'm not worried about your house being spick and span for me. For me, in the way my husband and I are at our house, spick and span is a thing that we do for strangers. Spick and span is a thing you do for people you don't know. Once you know people, you just be like, look, you know what our life is like. You know what's been going on, just come in. And sometimes you have those people who they just love you. They see dishes in the sink while y'all talking, they want to get up and do a dish. I welcome them to do that, but it's not expected.

Amena Brown:

You want to have a friend that can just come to your house. I think what's underneath what I'm trying to say there, is you want to have a Come As You Are Friend, because that's a friend that's never going to judge you based on what your house is like when they get there. And you need a friend like that. You also need to Keep It Real Friend. And there are a lot of layers to what I'm about to say here, because I sometimes think people take the keep it real and we've seen how keep it real can go wrong. And I think there's a lot of layers to having a Keep It Real Friend. I think one of the layers is you have a friend that you can have really honest conversation with about uncomfortable topics.

Amena Brown:

And I think we talked in the last episode that I did about this in the part one episode. I think we talked about having a freaky friend, and that this can fall under the keep it real category. But I also want to say, keeping it real with your friend goes beyond sex as a topic, although that can be a part of it. But it could also be about, I was about to say genitalia, but I think I have a specific example I want to give here. For my friends that also have breasts and also have vaginas, having a keep it real friend that you can say, hey, have you ever, and you can name them, like some experience that you've had. I know that I have talked to some of my other friends who have breasts and I have been like, what's the deal with the boob sweat? What are you doing about that in the summer in the south? That's a Keep It Real Friend, someone that is not going to get super uncomfortable with you saying these things.

Amena Brown:

I do think sex could be included there, but not in the same way as having a freaky friend. If you have a Keep It Real Friend, I know I have a couple of friends that if they could call and be like, girl, what you been up to, and you could actually tell them if you were engaging in a sexual activity, you could just drop to them like, yeah, girl was just doing that. But anyways, I'm here now, what you up to? And they're not going to be yikes, or clutching their pearls. They're just going to move on. They're going to be like, okay, cool, you was doing that. You had a sandwich. Great. Okay. Things like this. I think that is a part of having a Keep It Real Friend.

Amena Brown:

I think on a more vulnerable level, having a Keep It Real Friend is also someone that if you have something to say to them, that's hard for you to say, or that is vulnerable for you to say, that you can keep it real with them. I think that's the thing. When we think about a Keep It Real Friend, you could be thinking about a friend you have who keeps it real. And that's a part of it. But you can also have a Keep It Real Friend that you feel you can keep it real with, that you feel you don't have to not talk about this or that if you needed to bring that up to them. And I know, at what the kids are saying is my big age of 42. I have experienced a lot of life with my friends. My own things that I've been through, things that they've been through, where we've needed to be able to sit down and say, this is a thing that's happening in my life.

Amena Brown:

For some of my friends, they needed to be able to say to me, my marriage is over. For some of my friends, they needed to be able to say to me, here's the struggle I'm having as a parent. For some of my friends, they needed to say to me, here's where I'm feeling pretty pissed off about my dating life right now, or here's where I'm feeling really disillusioned with my career and what that could mean for me financially if I make those choices. I think part of having a Keep It Real Friend is, yes, you want people in your life who keep it real with you. You want people in your life that are not going to be afraid to tell you what you might not want to hear. We talked about the Fashion Friend too, in the previous part one episode to this, but you want to have a friend that can tell you if the clothes you wear and maybe don't look good on you. But they can tell you in a loving way and help you figure out how you going to fix it.

Amena Brown:

You want to have some friends that can tell you when your lipstick color could be better, but not because they need to criticize you, not because they need to be backhanded and mean towards you, but because they want good for you because they love you and they have a way of sharing that with you that shows the love there. And you want to make sure you have friends that you can say it. You can say it. And sometimes you're going to have some hard stuff going on in life. You're going to have to admit some things that are hard to say out loud to someone, but it's good to have a friend that you can do that with, that you know if you had to call them and tell them this thing that's highly inappropriate, they're going to be like, I'm ready. I'm listening. Tell me what's up.

Amena Brown:

You want to have some friends with history. And this is an interesting one, because I remember in my twenties, I feel like my twenties was a decade for me that I felt the need for separation. Some of that separation was from my family. I felt like I needed to separate from my family or from my parents in this way, because I needed to define my own adulthood separate from them. And I think during that season of life, I also just didn't necessarily see the importance of having friends that you have history with. Because sometimes, I think this is the trouble, that sometimes we have friends that we have history with, but that's all we have with them. We don't have current experiences, current memories. It's your friends, but your friends with who you were when you met each other or you're friends with who you were in the past. And that is not what I mean when I say friends with history.

Amena Brown:

I think it can be not so great when you have a friendship and all you have is the past, because what if that's not who you are now or what if you're into some different things, or what if you just want to have current experiences with your friends? I think you have to watch it when you have friendships and all you have is history. If every time you get together, all you're doing is reminiscing on things that happened in the past, then you ought to ask yourself, do I feel like I can really be who I am now around that person? Do I feel like there's more to our friendship than just the past? So, I think it's good when you have friends with history who are also willing to grow with you, and this does not always come in the same package.

Amena Brown:

I have some people that I would say are friends, that all I have with them is that history we had. And for a short period of conversation or for a short visit, I don't mind reminiscing. I don't mind being like, oh, my gosh, you remember when we, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, after school? I don't mind doing that for a time, but at a point I'm going to be like, but I'm not 18 anymore or I'm not 22 or whatever age we were when we met, whatever age we were when we made those memories. I want to know that you can be my friend today and you can know me from back then, but you are giving me the room to become whoever I am today. And that is a package deal, that when you get a friend that can do both of those things, that's a real, real gift in life. I am happy to say that I have a few friends that fall in that category for me, that we've been friends.

Amena Brown:

I have a best friend that we've been friends since we were in high school and we have walked each other through all sorts of life. But I know about her and I hope that she knows about me too, that I'm not holding her to the standard of who she was when we met. I want her to be whoever she is now, I want to be whoever I am now, and I want us to have both when we can. But I think the plus when you have friends in your life that are your current friends, that you can be yourself now, but you have this history with them. I mean, first of all, it gives a lot of amazing stories of all the life that you've lived together over the years. But it also really brings such groundedness to the relationship because you are talking to someone who knows you very well.

Amena Brown:

And a lot of my friends that I would say fit in this category for me, that they're friends I have history with and we've been able to grow together, we've been able to give each other the room to become whoever we're going to become. It's really hard to lie to them because they've known me a long time. When you have newer friends, sometimes if you're not thinking about it, you can almost be like, I wouldn't say it's quite like reinventing yourself, you're being yourself, but you're just sharing this who you are now. It's going to take them time to get to know who you were in these previous seasons of your life. And I could think of a really specific moment. And I feel like maybe my friend, Celita and I talked about this when I had her on the podcast here.

Amena Brown:

But I remember I had a Thanksgiving where I was really sad and just dealing with a lot of loss and grief related to miscarriage and stuff like that, that had happened around that time of year. And three of my friends from college that year happened to come over our house for Thanksgiving. And I looked around and everybody was sitting at their different tables, eating food and playing cards and just chilling how people do on a holiday like that. And I looked around and I felt so much gratitude. I felt so grateful that these were women that I had been in the dorm with. These were women that we had, all of us, gone through a lot of transitions and transformations and some tragedy, and we'd experienced all levels of things. And it brought me a certain kind of comfort that they were at my house that particular holiday, because even if I felt sad, I didn't have to perform happy for them because we had history like that. And they would never want me to do that anyways. They had enough capacity to hold space for me, whatever I felt like.

Amena Brown:

So, I think it's good. Now, I can say at this season of life, it is dope when you have friends that you have known for a long time, but you've been able to grow together. That's a very dope experience I recommend. Another friend that everyone needs is a Hobby Friend. I maybe should start by saying that it's nice when you can have a hobby, because some of y'all might be like, can't have a hobby friend if I don't have a hobby. And I bring up hobbies here with no judgment, because I think whether it's podcasting or conferences we attend or whatever, or social media, we get a lot of prescriptive language from folks. We get a lot of like, you got to have this and you need that. And some of us, honestly, may be in a place where we don't have a hobby, we don't want one, we don't need one. Everyone doesn't have to have a hobby. So, I want to give that caveat.

Amena Brown:

But I want to say, if you do have a hobby, I guess I want to speak a little to hobbies for a minute before I get to the Hobby Friend. I think sometimes maybe hobby is becoming an antiquated word. I know it's not something that I typically say in conversation. And if I were somewhere and someone were to say, what are your hobbies? Hobbies always seem like stamp collecting, and maybe crocheting seems like it falls under hobby to me. It's always crafty for some reason. When people say they have a hobby, it's bird watching, it's crafty, or it's nature risk. And in my mind, it's hard for me to imagine hobbies outside of that, but I'm using hobby just so it can be a short form shortcut language there for us right now.

Amena Brown:

But I think really what we're talking about when we're talking about hobbies, we're talking about the stuff that you do when you're not at work and when you're not doing things for other people, the things that you do, because you love it or you enjoy it. What we would've said when you were in college, maybe what we would've said would be the elective. If your life could have an elective, then what would that be? And I do think it's worth, even if it's not how I view a hobby, just having a somewhat of an extracurricular something that you do. And maybe you don't do it every day and maybe you don't do it every week, but having something that you're like, I do that, and it's not my job. And it's not me being with other people, whether that's family or friends or whatever social functions. It's stuff that I do because I love it. I enjoy it.

Amena Brown:

I think it's good to find that for yourself. And honestly, for me, some seasons of my life, it's cooking and learning to cook new dishes that I've never learned how to cook before and stuff like that. That's a hobby of mine. Watching reality television is also a hobby of mine. Walking through antique stores, walking the aisles of T.J. Maxx, those are things that I would count beyond what my initial definition is when I hear the word hobby. What could be interesting sometimes when you have your friends that you have that deeper relationship to, and I think that's wonderful. And I think it's also good when you have friends that y'all have been through all this stuff together. You've gone through the hard stuff. I feel like I'm learning with my friends to also make sure that we have time, that we just shoot the shit. You know what I mean?

Amena Brown:

We have time that we're not like, how'd that make you feel? Then what you say? Do you think that came from your family of origin? Where you're not just talking about the hard things of life, but where you can talk about some light stuff. I have a couple of friends that we love to watch the same reality TV shows. So, we'll catch up and talk about maybe some challenges that we're having in life, some other stressors that may be going on, and then we'll be like, but girl, Love & Marriage: Huntsville, and then we get into that. I think it's good to have a Hobby Friend. And I think that can look a lot of different ways, but it could be a friend that you have that maybe y'all never talk about super deep stuff in life. Maybe all y'all talk about is your hobby, and that is great.

Amena Brown:

Every friendship does not have to be deep. It's good to have some friendships that are surface to mid. And I wasn't always of that opinion. I was more like, I don't see why I would want to have friends that I can't get deep in life with them. But now I'm like, yo, sometimes it's nice to just have a friend that you can talk to about furniture or whatever it is you're into. So, having a Hobby Friend can be really great, because it encourages you to continue spending time doing something that you love, but you also have someone to talk about it. And truthfully, you probably have something in your life that you really love or care about. And there may be other people in your life, other family or friends or whatever that don't care about that thing at all. And you're talking to them about this stuff you love to do, and their eyes are glazing over, because it's not important to them.

Amena Brown:

Find you a friend whose eyes aren't glazing over about that. Find you a friend, that when you bring that up, they're like, yes, tell me all the details. I want to hear it. That's what a Hobby Friend does. Everybody needs that friend. And I am going to close this episode by saying, everyone needs new friends sometimes. And I'm going to caveat that and we'll talk about that here. I think the new friends are important, because I think it's good to open up your circle and meet some new people. You may gain some new perspectives. I also think what's interesting about having friends with history, is that sometimes your friends with history, y'all may go through the phases or different stages of life differently or at different times, or y'all may experience it where one friend goes through a certain stage of life and the other friend doesn't.

Amena Brown:

So, for example, even if we talk about developmentally, you may be continuing to progress in your career. You may have a friend who isn't progressing in their career or has chosen not to, because of other things that they wanted to commit their life to. Or you may not be married and you may have a friend who gets married, and because of the dynamics of their getting married, that may change some of the dynamics around their relationship. Obviously, this can also happen when people move to a different place. This can also happen when people have children. And there's just that difference of like, well, I'm living here and you used to live here, well, now you live there. Or we used to do these types of things in this way. We used to spend time in these ways, but now we can't because you have additional family commitments. Maybe you're caring for a parent, maybe you're caring for a child, all these different dynamics that we learn to grow together and find ways around and through as friends with history.

Amena Brown:

But sometimes I have found when that happens, where especially when it's a developmental thing, as far as stage of life or certain types of experiences like that, that can feel like, oh, this person is now having that experience in their life. I'm not having that experience. What does that mean? Well, sometimes that will mean different things for the friendship. Sometimes it won't. And you'll find new ways to hang out together or figure that out. But I also feel like, when you can open yourself to new friends, that's also good, because sometimes you may open yourself up to a new friend that may share the stage of life where you are. Maybe you're caring for a parent and most of your friends aren't. And you love them and they love you, but they don't know the rigors of what that's like.

Amena Brown:

And maybe you find a new friend that understands that, because they're also caring for a parent. Or maybe I know for me, career wise, a lot of my really good and close friends aren't in the same career that I'm in. So, there were certain things that we could just talk about as professionals, but I realized I needed some friends that also did something similar to what I do for a living, so that I could share in that with them. For me, that took the burden off of my friends that may not know that much about my career, takes the burden off of me feeling like, oh, why don't they understand? It takes the burden off of them being like, wait, what's that? So, how's that go? And gives me the ability to have some new friends that know the ins and outs of my industry, that experience some of the things that I experience as a professional.

Amena Brown:

So, I think when it comes to new friends, here would be the tips that I would give you. I think it's important to when you are able to, to have an open heart to new friends. It does take that. It takes you having the ability to be open to getting to know other people, be open to them, getting to know you to the time it may take to get to know someone. I think similar to what we were talking about with the hobby friend, it's okay to not have to focus on the hard stuff when you first meet a new friend. It's okay that it's surface at first or for a while or whatever, just because you're not getting into the deep recesses of your upbringing and traumas you may have experienced and things like that. It doesn't mean that this couldn't be a valuable friend in your life.

Amena Brown:

I'm a person who, I don't know, it's like I'm trying to describe myself here. I'm like, I'm not sure if I'm a person who wears my heart on my sleeve, but I can be a person who just gets right down to it, as far as what's happening in my life. I really had to learn to practice with friends, going more slowly with letting them get to know me and not feeling like, oh, my gosh, I just met you. And I really like our vibe, so now I want you to be in my life forever. I need to catch you up on everything that ever happened to me. The friends you have that you have history with, you built that history slowly over time, and give your new friends the same, give them the same sort of grace or margin that way.

Amena Brown:

I do want to talk a little bit about what happens when you're in a season of life that you cannot do it with new friends. I think it was Drake who had a song called No New Friends. And when I first heard it, I was like, wow, why would he ever say that? And then I've gone through seasons a few times myself, where it is a season. I mean, even actually I would say right now, I'm in a season where, because of things that are just happening in my life right now, I'm not in a season where I can cultivate new friendships right now. And I do think seasons like that exist, and that's not a bad thing. You'll have seasons in your life where you don't have capacity. You'll have capacity to get to know someone else. You don't have capacity to figure out how to kick it with them, how to fold them into your life. And I think it's important to acknowledge that and not feel bad or burdened that, that may be true for you.

Amena Brown:

The truth is, I think if you meet a new friend, that could be a great new friend for you. And you're in a season right now where you can't be friends. If you have capacity to say, man, I love getting to know you and talking to you, we should hang out, but I'm going to tell you right now, things is wild in life right now. Give me some time, I'll reach out. And if you are the friend on the other side of that conversation, try to hold space for the fact that people are going through a lot. People are going through a lot that they may not tell you. People are going through a lot that they may not even have capacity to explain or tell you. And if you hear from a friend of yours, hey, I'm going through this, I'm processing this, give me time. When I'm ready, I'll reach out to you. Let them reach out to you.

Amena Brown:

Don't assume that because such and such amount of days, weeks, months have gone by, that you have to be the one to keep up with that. I've had some seasons where just even my mental health was in a place where I can't manage all the catch ups. I can't do that right now. For new friends, I don't have the capacity for that at the moment. And so, when I say, I will reach out to you when I have capacity, I will, but I don't know when. I don't know if it's going to be two months or six months. And sometimes, to be truthful, I've had some newer friends in life that what I was going through, I didn't even have capacity to say, I don't have space for this right now. Let me get in touch with you.

Amena Brown:

I think this goes back to what we were talking about in some other earlier friendship episodes a few months ago in the podcast, maybe that was several months ago now. Really, we were talking about this idea that you're going to have times that you don't have the capacity to communicate those things. And that is sometimes how we either ghost friends or we have been ghosted and everybody hates to be ghosted. And plenty of people have possibly not so great reasons that they ghost, but I try to hold space for people that sometimes people are ghosting, not because they're bad people. Sometimes they're ghosting, because they literally don't have capacity to tell you that it's too much right now.

Amena Brown:

So, if you are not able to have new friends right now in your life, that's okay. That's okay. And don't put pressure on yourself. Don't do any of that. Don't do any of that. Just be where you are. Be in the relationships you can be in. Be in the friendships you can be in. And that's okay. And if you are a person who was looking forward to that new friendship and you can feel that the person may not have space or capacity, try to give them some margin, some grace. Try to give them that bit of patience that says, Hey, we're friends, we going to be in each other's lives. And I will say about this, if you have a friend, especially a new friend and maybe they're going through something and they may not feel comfortable to talk to you about it. If they say that it's okay for you to communicate to them.

Amena Brown:

Because if they tell you like, please let me do this, then let them. But if they have given you like, you might not hear from me, it's okay if you write to me, just have the margin that you may not hear from me. I have found that the most helpful text messages are ones that sound like this. Hey, been thinking about you. You've been on my mind. No need to respond if you don't feel up to it, just wanted you to know you were in my thoughts. Especially when I was going through a really tough time, people that have sent me funny links and been like, thought about you when I saw this, wanted to reach out and send it to you. Hope it gives you a smile today. Again, with the no need to respond, if you don't feel up to it. You would be surprised how much that sentence does for people.

Amena Brown:

You would be surprised how much of a [breathes] it could give to a friend that may be struggling at the moment. And if you're a person who likes to communicate like that, you want people to know you care about them, that type of message is I think could be more helpful and better received, then if you're always asking for something of them. Even if you are like, well, what you're asking is pretty simple. Even if you're like, Hey, how are you? Pretty simple message. But if in my world, I'm super overwhelmed, I'm doing everything I can to survive, I'm trying to keep my head above water. I don't know how to answer that if we are new friends or if we're not close friends. It's better to say, hey, thinking about you, checking on you, wondering how you are. No pressure to respond, no need to write back, give people those things.

Amena Brown:

Part of friendship, interestingly is cultivating that communication. It's staying in touch. It's doing those things. But sometimes a part of being a good friend is knowing when to give space and when to hold it as well. So, we did it, y'all. Everyone needs that friend. I am so thankful for my friends who are that friend to me. I hope that if there's someone that came to your mind or your heart, maybe you can reach out to them. Maybe you can hang out with them if your schedules allow. But do what you can to be a good friend. Do what you can to make sure that the good friends in your life know you appreciate them.

Amena Brown:

And as a great reminder, my therapist has reminded me of this as well, and also make sure that you remember to be a good friend to yourself. Talk to y'all later. HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening. And don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 75

Amena Brown:

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to HER with Amena Brown. I've had some interviews lately, so it's been nice bringing some people into our living room. But I'm back, just me and y'all, wherever you are listening. Today I'm going to take you behind the poetry. This is one of my most recent poems that I've finished in the last couple of years, so I'm actually really looking forward to diving into it with you.

Amena Brown:

Usually these poems are older, so I might have live recordings or studio recordings I've done, but this poem is a newer one. So I'm just going to do a reading of this. And then I will take you behind the process of how this poem actually got written. So here is a reading of my poem, A Garden of Me.

Amena Brown:

I found my voice. I found my voice on a page and held its spine as if I was keeping time at my first middle school dance, studied the pages like crystal ball, like tea leaves. I chose my own adventure, knew the song of the caged bird, understood the mute of young Maya, how trauma can make you quiet, how quiet can read to adults as good kid, how when trouble tries to erase you, you never find your thrills in causing trouble again, how rolls of thunder hear the cries of a little Black girl not sure if she has anything to say, or if it matters that she has anything to say, or if there's power in anything she has to say.

Amena Brown:

I found my voice in the blue eyes of Pecola Breedlove, in Celie's letters to God, in the rainbows of for colored girls, how Pilate sang a Song of Solomon and gave birth to herself, how Janie told my eyes to watch God, and they did. I grew. I grew wings. I grew a voice. I planted myself. I grew a garden of me. I came into full bloom. I discovered my season. Winter came and I grew quiet, but I did not die. I only deepened my roots. I found my voice, and once upon a time is now.

Amena Brown:

Being a storyteller is miles better than being the princess in someone else's story, that you can give birth and be reborn. Don't be afraid to be reborn, to find your soul sits in a new type of skin. Don't be afraid to start over, to backspace, to press delete, to control alt delete. Be your own library, your own treasure trove of story and page and song. Check out the book of you with no late fee. Do not put yourself on a waiting list for love and care and gentleness. Find your sanctuary in pages, wire bound, and be unbound.

Amena Brown:

Step softly into your own known, into everything you thought you knew that you now know isn't true. Breathe gently into your uncertainty. Write a love note to yourself, to the world, to the woman you used to be, to the woman you are right now. Secretly and publicly admire her.

Amena Brown:

So I normally start off when I take you all behind the poetry with what made me write this poem, and I want to give a big, big shout out to Mia Willis. Mia Willis is a phenomenal, phenomenal poet that I know from being a part of Atlanta's poetry community. Mia was facilitating a workshop, and they were using Michelle Obama's book, Becoming, as a jumping off place to help us write. The prompt that Mia put out there was for all of us to think about what was something that we could look at in our lives that is really responsible for the person that we've become today.

Amena Brown:

So the beginning of this poem, I actually started writing during Mia's workshop. And then I got home and kind of looked at the piece. When you're in a writing workshop, especially the amount of time that Mia had to facilitate that with us, I mean we were probably there for maybe two hours, and that includes time for us to have some discussion with Mia as they were talking us through the different things that were coming up for each of us and thinking about what helped us become who we are and then time to write and then time to share.

Amena Brown:

So it's really not a lot of time, not for me, enough time to finish something. But I had a pretty good start. I would say a lot of the beginning of what is there and what became the poem in the end showed up in the workshop. I got home and kind of looked at the poem and just thought, "I think I'd like to take some time to finish this piece." It's interesting because I think that we were having this workshop, my mind wants to say, I feel like it was 2018 that we were having this workshop. It may have been early 2019.

Amena Brown:

But we were having this workshop, and I was in an interesting place as a writer at that moment. I've talked about this a lot on the podcast for those of you who are regular listeners, but I've talked a lot about how I was, at that time, in that 2017 to 2019 time, I was really in an interesting, I don't know, crossroads, maybe I would describe it that way, career-wise and creatively as well.

Amena Brown:

Career-wise, I was realizing that I was in a market which, for me, was a Christian, predominantly white market. My work was sort of leaning away from what was going to be really acceptable in that space, and I was processing what does that mean, what to do about that. And then I was starting to realize, too, I think it was around this time that I was also realizing the voice of my poems was becoming very different.

Amena Brown:

When I first started doing spoken word, it was the late '90s and I was really coming out of a very hip hop-inspired space creatively. A lot of how I write and really and truly a lot of who I am is very inspired by and along with a lot of the music and artists that were out in the late '90s, a lot of that OutKast and Lauryn Hill and Black Thought, a lot of the hip hop writers that I was exposed to at that time. So I think that put a lot of bearing on what I became as a poet.

Amena Brown:

In particular when you come across a lot of spoken word poets that were writing around that time, we were all, a lot of us, very inspired by hip hop wordplay and rhythms and things like that. So my rhyme scheme was a lot tighter. I used my rhyming dictionary a lot more when I was writing early on. And then I went into a lot of Christian and church spaces and was writing a lot more what I would say as congregational work, writing a lot of things that I would do in front of a church congregation in what was supposed to be kind of a worshipful moment. Those required a certain kind of rhythm.

Amena Brown:

It had been a while since I had really been writing just because I wanted to, going into this workshop. So I was feeling a lot of trepidation around what is my voice when I'm not writing a thing that I've been commissioned to write? What is my voice when I'm writing just what I want to write? This poem was one of the first newer pieces that I started. So it was interesting to be in a writing workshop.

Amena Brown:

As a writer, you know your voice pretty well. You know yourself, but also being in a discovery process, taking the prompt Mia gave us and then writing and reading it back and going, "Huh, I wouldn't have expected myself to write about that," or, "I wouldn't have expected myself to want to approach that in this particular way." So it was an interesting crossroads to be at, entering the workshop.

Amena Brown:

And then I think I put the poem down for a while because I think my schedule, traveling, kind of picked up. So I don't think I actually finished this poem until shortly before the pandemic started, which was also a wild thing because, before the pandemic, as I've talked about here on the podcast before, I would finish a new piece and just take it in my notebook or my journal or whatever and take it out to the open mic. That's how I would work out the piece and figure out what edits I needed to make and how to get it ready for stage.

Amena Brown:

So there are probably two or three pieces that ended up either being written or getting finished during the pandemic that did not do that process, and this was one of them. So it's interesting to think about me returning back to this poem. Also, I think it's interesting that a lot of my poetry career, as far as what people would have seen me doing onstage or on video, a lot of my poems were big pieces.

Amena Brown:

They were meant to get big belly laughs from people, or they were meant to be these very somber and kind of sobering emotionally moments. There was the light was supposed to come on, and I walk out into the light and I say this very poignant piece, but still creating this big dramatic moment. It was interesting to me that this poem kind of came in quietly.

Amena Brown:

At first, I worried about that. I worried because there's a lot of, I mean if I can use the word, sass, here. There's a lot of sass and attitude that I like to have in my poetry, especially the poetry that I write that I would do not in a church setting. I mean some of my poems, I would still do them in church settings, but I wasn't thinking about church settings when I was writing them.

Amena Brown:

The poems that I would think I could go into any concert or performance event where people actually came there to be entertained, that's what I mean when I'm differentiating that from church settings. People that are in church settings typically aren't arriving there to be entertained. It is a surprise to them if you entertain them. But I feel like a lot of my work was really built for environments where people came there to be entertained, whether they came there to think or feel or be in their emotions or they came to laugh.

Amena Brown:

A lot of the work I have been doing in the last few years really fits into that environment. That's what I think, around the time that this poem was coming out, I was starting to really notice and become aware of that about my work, that my work wanted to be entertaining, and I was in a market that wasn't built on that, really. So I think it's interesting to think about how this poem really arrived quietly.

Amena Brown:

It is not a big loud boisterous poem, and I like that. I like that now, but I think at the time I was like, "What's this poem doing?" And really trying to stick in there and see what did the poem want to say. It felt very tender. I think I've talked about this in another Behind the Poetry episode, too, but I haven't been a very cathartic poet in the sense of being a poet that it is rage or it is sadness. It is large emotions that send me to the page.

Amena Brown:

I'm probably more of a poet that's in my head a lot. It's things I think about and things I wonder that send me to the page. If something very, very emotional happens to me, I actually have to really do a lot of work to write through that. I typically talk through that instead. So it was interesting to sort of let this poem be tender and let it say what it wanted to say without trying to make it anything.

Amena Brown:

In reading it back with you all today and thinking about some of what is here, I was trying to do, like if I could do a historical deep dive into my own reading history and how that reading not only informed the writer that I became, but really informed the woman that I was becoming as well. I remember as a young girl reading, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Dr. Maya Angelou.

Amena Brown:

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, to me, some parts of it are in line with The Color Purple in that you are meeting a young Black girl in the story, but some very harsh things are happening in her life. Of course, The Color Purple is fiction, and I know why the Caged Bird Sings was autobiographical. But there was something about reading about this young Black girl, this young Maya Angelou who's growing up in the South, who has this very traumatic thing happen to her at a very young age.

Amena Brown:

It's so traumatic that it causes her to not speak for a very long time. It's interesting because I remember when Oprah Winfrey talked about I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. She talked about the part that caught her was the initial scene of the story where I think young Maya's doing an Easter speech in her Black church growing up. It was interesting to me that in this poem, it was that time that Maya Angelou was mute that showed up in this poem.

Amena Brown:

I didn't realize how much I resonated with that until writing this, because I was ... Even though when I think about myself, who I am now as a woman, that I'm very ... You could almost dropped me off in front of any crowd of people in a room full of people I don't know and I'm going to find a way to connect with most folks. That's kind of how my personality is. I feel like my adult personality is a lot more outgoing than my child personality was.

Amena Brown:

My child personality was very withdrawn. There was some experiences of Maya's trauma that I also knew from my own experiences as well. So I do remember being, especially that eight, nine years old, 10 years old, that era of my life, I remember becoming very withdrawn and very quiet. I was never a child that was going to ham it up. People are curious about that now because I do so much stage work, but I was not a performer as a child. I was a withdrawn reader.

Amena Brown:

This line about how, "Quiet can read to adults as a good kid," I was like, "Whoa." I was like, "Whoa," that it was so accurate about how I really felt growing up. I just don't think I'd ever written about it this way until this poem. There's a middle stanza here that I'm really, really proud of because I think this part is now we're getting into the part of the piece that I was writing outside of the workshop.

Amena Brown:

I was trying to think what were the other very specific Black girl or Black woman books that really informed a lot of what I wanted to be as a Black woman or as a Black girl. And then I had this option. There are a lot of authors here. Do I want to shout out the author names? I have a couple of other poems where I do that. I shout out some authors in God Bless Mom. I shout out some authors and writers in Never Tell a Black Girl How to Black Girl.

Amena Brown:

So I was like, "A lot of the names are going to be the same. I don't know that I want to do that again." And then I thought, "Well, almost all of these books, outside of Maya Angelou's I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, were fiction books, were fiction or poetry." I wanted to put more focus on the books and the characters who were there. During the pandemic, I ordered a copy of Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry, so that I could have one in my library.

Amena Brown:

I'm at that point in my library. I feel like the past few years I was sort of decolonizing my library. I was removing a lot of the books there that were written by white men, finding corresponding books that were written by Black women and some by women of color on some similar topics. A lot of my Christian spirituality books were written by white folks because that was the environment that I'd been in professionally, but realizing just some of that didn't align with where I was spiritually.

Amena Brown:

And then once I started getting rid of a bunch of books, then I could go, "Okay, now what do I actually want in my library?" So I'm glad to say that I do have a copy of Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry. But I think the other thing about this section that was really important to me was to say the characters' names because the characters were, in some ways, equally as important as the author names for me. But I also love in a poem, and I'm just going to call them Easter eggs right now because I don't know another term to use, but I love in a poem to leave Easter eggs for folks.

Amena Brown:

When they hear the poem, there are things there that they know, but I don't have to take time in the poem to explain. This is one of those sections that I knew that there would be young Black girls or Black women that would get to this section and when they see how rolls of thunder hear the cries of a little Black girl, when they hear the blue eyes of Pecola Breedlove, Celie's letters to God, they know the books I'm talking about. They know the authors I'm talking about.

Amena Brown:

I, in particular, love to do that with Black women in mind. I love to have a poem that just throws all these things out there that are visceral memories for Black girls and Black women and that they can find them as I'm onstage or as they're listening to my work. So that stanza, I was really very proud of because I knew if I get to the point where I'm doing this poem onstage again, this part is going to be really nice because there's going to be some Black women nodding in the room.

Amena Brown:

They're going to know the names of some of these books, and they're going to remember the authors here. Another line that really struck me, that sort of came out of me without me being conscious of it at the time was how, "Pilate sang a Song of Solomon and gave birth to herself." I'm referencing Toni Morrison's novel, Song of Solomon. There's a woman there named Pilate who is the sister of one of the main characters in the book.

Amena Brown:

I mean it could be argued that maybe Pilate is also a main character in this book. But it's interesting because she sort of, if I'm remembering the story right in the novel and I think I talked about this when I had Cole Arthur Riley on, we were talking a lot about Toni Morrison's work and the spirituality there. I'm just still struck that this character that Toni Morrison writes, that Pilate, there's a Black woman named Pilate and it's spell like the biblical historical figure, Pilate, who was involved in a part of the story we see as Jesus is headed to the crucifixion.

Amena Brown:

He's one of the figures that Jesus has to go to so that they can decide what punishment they're going to give to him. So that a Black woman has that name is fascinating, that Toni Morrison writes this character who has no belly button. In my 40s, I have to say, Pilate, she's become a spiritual figure to me in certain ways because I feel very empowered by this idea that a Black woman can give birth to herself in certain regards. So that's still sitting with me, y'all. I don't know. I may have a whole episode about it some other time.

Amena Brown:

This stanza, this, "I grew a voice. I planted myself. I grew a garden of me." I'm going to tell y'all right now. I'm not a person who's great with titles. I have, in the last three or so years of my work, tried to look at the work itself to see if the title is there. This was probably one of the first poems that happened, that I didn't know what it was going to be called and when I got down this deep into the poem, I was like, "Ugh, A Garden of Me, that's it."

Amena Brown:

As a person who got into having houseplants during the pandemic ... I feel like all of us got into something that we weren't that into. I wasn't that into having plants, partly because we were traveling a lot. So I felt like all they're going to do is sit in our house and die. Why should I be worried about that? But the pandemic has brought me a lot of plants. I have quite a few plants, some that were given to me, some that I bought.

Amena Brown:

I love the idea of a garden metaphor and just all the things that plants teach you and the times of the year that it can kind of seem like your plant is dying. I have a local place I like to go to in Atlanta. It's called The Garden Hood. I have taken quite a few plants there and have been like, "What's wrong with it?" And they'll be like, "Oh, it just needs to be re-potted or it just does this, this time of year. It just does that sometimes if the leaves are old," and all these things that you learn about how the seasons are going to go in a plant's life.

Amena Brown:

This idea that I feel like this poem was, in some ways, the beginning of me going, "I get to grow a voice. I plant myself." I think a lot of my professional career, I felt like was me saying things that people wanted me to say or the things that people wanted to hear, the things they expected. This poem was the beginning of me really growing my own voice in a certain way. I'm going to tell y'all. I've had a lot of just tough times come in my life.

Amena Brown:

This winter came and I grew quiet, but I did not die. I only deepened my roots is something that has come back to me over and over, this idea that you can go through something that either feels like it's going to break you or did break you. My therapist's been getting with me about me saying, "Feels like blah blah blah," because she'll be like, "Sometimes you say that something feels like it hurts you this way." But she was like, "I want you to practice saying it hurt you this way, not just it feels like that. It's real that it hurt you."

Amena Brown:

So I'm trying, y'all. You be trying to do your work. I also loved talking a little bit about the library here because I tried to think about, overall, if reading was such a big thing in my life, if reading is what helped me become, then I've talked now in the poem about the books I've read, but I could not let the poem go by without also talking about the library and its place in my life and all of the things that those of us who are library heads know about going there and checking out the books.

Amena Brown:

I know a lot of libraries may be doing away with this now, but when a lot of us were growing up, you check out your book. You had so many days you could keep it. You had so many times you could possibly renew it. But if you didn't renew it, then you would have a late fee. The idea of how much the library was this place where I got to learn about so many things and places and people, I got to find out about books that maybe I wouldn't have found out about if it weren't for the library. So shout out to our local libraries.

Amena Brown:

This idea that the same sort of attention you would give to a subject that you wanted to know about, if you wanted to learn how to cook more of this type of food, you might buy cookbooks by these certain writers. Or if you wanted to know more about a particular topic, you might read more books about that. If you were traveling to a certain place, you might want to read books about that place.

Amena Brown:

To give yourself that same sort of study, that idea of checking out the book of you with no late fee, that you don't have to put the book back, that you get a chance to learn about yourself, how you're becoming, how you're healing. It is interesting to me that, of course, I couldn't write about all this reading and becoming without talking about writing. But here, I wasn't really talking about writing as a professional.

Amena Brown:

I was talking about the ideas of writing that my mom gave to me initially. It was really important to my mom that I understood that a journal or a notebook that I keep to myself is really important, that that is an important place to put my words and my thoughts. So this idea of being able to sort of write a note to yourself, write those good words to yourself, all those things are really important to me in general and important to how the poem got written.

Amena Brown:

What is the real-life story behind performing this poem for the first time? My memory is getting hazy, y'all. But I think the first time I ever read this to anyone was when I did a virtual event for a Yale Black Seminarians women's gathering. I did quite a few virtual events over this time of the first two years of the pandemic. They all had different things about them that I enjoyed, but this was one of my favorite ones.

Amena Brown:

First of all, it is a privilege and an honor to get to perform poetry in front of an audience of Black women. It's amazing. I mean, obviously, in part, because I'm a Black woman and because a lot of my work is written thoughtful of Black women, thoughtful of our stories, and thoughtful of our healing journeys and different things. So to get to do that, and this is coming from someone who really, for the most part, I don't do a lot of Christian or church or those kind of faith-based type of events for various reasons that probably belongs in another episode here.

Amena Brown:

But when I got this request to not only just talk spiritually with an audience of Black women, but specifically to talk to Black women who were going to seminary at Yale, and it was such a communal experience to get to be a part of it and to get to share this tender poem with them as they are matriculating in an environment that is not easy. It's not easy. There are particular ways that that is not easy for Black women.

Amena Brown:

It was beautiful even virtually to look at all of their faces across Zoom and get to share this poem. So that's very meaningful to me. How do I feel about the poem now? This poem, it's still one of my favorites. It's still going to be interesting to me when I get back to performing sets of poetry because I haven't yet done this poem in front of a live audience in a set, and I'm curious about that.

Amena Brown:

The other poem that I've done here in our Behind the Poetry is Here Breathing. Here Breathing is a very tender piece as well. So I really have to craft the moment that I'm going to bring that poem out there. I'm curious to how Garden of Me will play a role in my poetry sets in the future. But that's one of the things I really love about being a poet is that I can have moments like that in my set, that people are open to it. They expect it, all those things.

Amena Brown:

I am informed a lot by standup comedy and the comedic process. That plays a role in how I write and plays a big role in how I perform my poetry sets. I love to make people laugh, and I love that I'm a poet. So if I want to hold space for grief in the middle of my sets, I can do it. If I want to read a tender poem in the middle of my sets, I can do that. So I still love this poem very much, and I look forward to seeing how to build a story around it and how to put it in there next to my other pieces.

Amena Brown:

So thank y'all so much for going behind the poetry with me on Garden of Me. Thank you for allowing tender feelings here in the living room. If there's any place you can bring your tender feelings, you can bring your tender feelings up in here. Anyways, it's been so great talking with you all. I'll talk to you next week.

Amena Brown:

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening. And don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 74

Amena Brown:

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to HER with Amena Brown, and I'm Amena Brown. We're back in the HER living room. And I'm so excited because we are talking to another one of my internet friends. And this is actually very serendipitous y'all, because we just did a replay of an episode from the earlier version of this podcast before this podcast was on iHeart and Seneca Women. So you got to hear a couple of months ago, me talking to our guests today, we're talking to Potawatomi author and speaker, Kaitlin Curtice today. So, if you're following the podcast already, you heard Kaitlin and I talking when Kaitlin's book Native was released, which we were still in lockdown time. This was May 2020 when we were having this conversation. And Kaitlin and I are friends in real life, aside from just that I love to talk to her.

Amena Brown:

And so we were texting and I was like, we were texting about other things that ain't y'all's business. And then I was like, girl, anyways, while we talking about this, do you mind coming on my podcast? Because you're my internet friend. And I love the story of how we met. So Kaitlin, thank you for coming to the living room with us today.

Kaitlin Curtice :

Yes. I love it because we've been in each other's real spaces, had tea in Atlanta, and now we can't, but we have Zoom. So I'm so glad that we have spaces.

Amena Brown:

That really touches my heart that you said that, that way, because I'm like we did meet on the internet and then had a period of time that we lived in the same place and were people who hung out in person, and then the pandemic, and then you moved. And so now we have the internet to keep us, the internet and our phones, honestly, we do have each other's real phone numbers too. So we have that as well, but that's how we get to connect. So I wanted to start off, Kaitlin, with how you and I met. We are Twitter friends is how we started out. Yes?

Kaitlin Curtice :

Yeah. Twitter, you messaged me. And I hated Twitter for years and you messaged me right as I was realizing I was going to be releasing my first book, Glory Happening. And Rachel Held Evans had retweeted me one day, and I had gotten 4,000 followers. And that clicked that I was like, oh no, I have to learn how to use this device, this app, what do I do? And I think that you were just one of the first writers women, people to just reach out and be like, hey, we could be friends, and we live in the same city. And it was just wonderful, because I was reeling, like how am I... Because I'm starting a career and I have to learn how to use social media, I have to, not just Facebook, but have to learn this. And it was a lot.

Amena Brown:

Totally a lot. It's really overwhelming in general to be on social media, but especially if you have to do it in any professional way. And those of us that have been in publishing and writing world that way, there's so much pressure on you sometimes about what you're supposed to be doing or not with your social media. A lot of us, when we were giving the proposal for our books, we had to actually put the number of followers that we had on various social media things. And then if you didn't have enough followers, I distinctly remember this with one of my book proposals. If I didn't have enough followers, then the publisher wanted to know who else was I connected to that had more followers than me, that could I count on those people to share this or that? Or was I writing for a platform that had a lot of followers. And could those followers be included? It's a very, very wild time, but yes y'all, I am nosy as it relates to social media. And I just saw a few of our mutual friends talking to Kaitlin on Twitter.

Amena Brown:

So I was like, who is Kaitlin? So I go on there and follow and scroll in. And then I saw that she also lived in the Atlanta area and I was like, clicked on that DM like, girl, you live in Atlanta, and I live in Atlanta. Do you want to just get together and have some tea or something? It didn't even occur to me that you might think that was strange.

Kaitlin Curtice :

Just to connect with another writer because social media is, it's just everybody. But then when you start to find the people that are in your vein and in the world that you live in, it becomes so special. And then we met for tea and it was wonderful. We sat there for four hours or something. It was great.

Amena Brown:

Big shout out to Tipple & Rose here in Atlanta, we went to this fabulous tea place and just, it was just so cute. If we had really been thinking, Kaitlin, we could have taken some beautiful pictures for Instagram of us meeting, but we didn't care about that.

Kaitlin Curtice :

I have one.

Amena Brown:

Do you?

Kaitlin Curtice :

I do. I'll send it to you.

Amena Brown:

Okay. Thank you. Because I was like, did we take a picture? I just enjoyed talking to you and that's it. We just hung out. So yes. Kaitlin agreed to meet with me even though maybe it was strange that I hopped up in her DMs and she didn't know me like that, but we agreed to meet and over time I feel like for a lot of women of color, especially those of us who at that time were working in Christian space in some way, there was this underground network of us that was always in communication because we wanted to make sure that other women of color were resourced and knew what prices to charge, knew which events not to do, which events were going to be a problem, how to negotiate these things. So I think initially just Kaitlin and I really connecting on that, it makes you feel, at least for me, it made me feel less alone navigating all that.

Amena Brown:

And then a lot of us, our careers have really moved on even beyond that space where we met and we've been able to share life together and have these different touch points like Kaitlin and I hopped on the phone, no, we hopped on a FaceTime or something a few months ago. And we only had 20 minutes or something and it was like, girl, and then. And we had a whole, very real talk about life and then it was like, got to go. Bye.

Kaitlin Curtice :

That's all you need though. So I cannot tell you how important it has been to have other Indigenous women, to have Black women, to have women of color, just be in my life so that when something happens on social media or off in the real world, just to say to someone else, this thing happened and then they can be like, oh yeah, that was awful. And I'm holding that with you.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice :

And then keep going, even just that moment. And a lot of those relationships for me have started online, most of them probably in the world that I live in now, my closest friends and allies within the writing world and the speaking world where those people that I reach out to and I need someone to see it, are people I've met online.

Amena Brown:

Okay. Give us a bit of your social media history, Kaitlin. What was the first platform that you remember engaging on in the beginning of your social media time?

Kaitlin Curtice :

Okay. I used MySpace.

Amena Brown:

Okay.

Kaitlin Curtice :

MySpace was actually the first platform where I messaged my husband to talk to him.

Amena Brown:

Oh, okay. My husband and I also have a little bit of that MySpace moment, we met in real life, but then I was like, "Keep in touch with me on MySpace."

Kaitlin Curtice :

Yeah. So I had a MySpace, I wrote on Xanga. It was a blogging platform. I wrote my, I don't know, whatever I wrote. I don't even know, I would be scared to know now. So I had that, but MySpace, I think was my intro in. And then eventually I got Facebook in high school, but I stayed away from Twitter. I don't even know when Instagram was started, but eventually I got on that. But I think MySpace was my intro into the social media world.

Amena Brown:

Okay. So you get on MySpace, then you go from MySpace into Facebook. Was it your writing career that led you from Facebook over to Twitter? How did you make that kind of transition?

Kaitlin Curtice :

I don't even know why I started on Twitter. I think I just wanted to try it and I was like, nope, I don't understand. Everything is scary here. I'm going to go to Facebook, go back to Facebook. And Facebook was my personal, it was just family, friends, whatever. Basically I feel like Facebook was just, and often is now just daily journal entries for everyone. And there are issues that come up too, but it's not as... Well, maybe it is as an activist space the way Twitter is, it is in some ways, but a lot of people just use it, especially back then would just use it for daily journaling, here's what's happening in my life. And that's how I used it. Eventually I started a Facebook writer page, though it's my official one.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice :

So I still have that, but Twitter is interesting because I was learning so much from people and realizing I had a voice all at the same time. And it was just this very empowering space. And then to have Nadia Bolz-Weber and Rachel Held Evans, and Sarah Bessey. So these women within Christianity see me and say, I think your voice is important too and to uplift my voice, just it empowered me and I didn't know I could have one really.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice :

And so it just sparked something in me, I think, that had been waiting. And at that time I wanted to be a worship leader. That was my goal was to be a worship leader in the church. And thankfully I got to pivot away from that.

Amena Brown:

We love a pivot.

Kaitlin Curtice :

Not being mean. If you're a worship leader listening.

Amena Brown:

Please do that.

Kaitlin Curtice :

I hold that with you.

Amena Brown:

Yes.

Kaitlin Curtice :

Do you.

Amena Brown:

Do that.

Kaitlin Curtice :

I had to transition. And so finding other authors was incredible. I think, well, and that was the blogging days, which has transitioned too, there are so many women, especially writing blogs, writing mom blogs or faith blogs or whatever, and I think I caught the tail end of that in my writing career. I didn't know it was going to be a career. I was just writing because I needed to write, I started a blog called Stories, and it was just me writing about life and motherhood and being a Christian and whatever it was, my spirituality, and it just continued to morph.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice :

So, social media is, for all the toxicity, it is a place for us to morph and evolve, and to become and learn. It is such a great learning tool. I've learned so much about ableism and fat shaming and queer activists and non-binary. I've learned so many things from people that I don't always have access to in real life. And that has meant so much to me to just be quiet and learn from them.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. I was going to say that too when you said that, especially Twitter for me has this way where I get to be quiet and just read and listen, there are a lot of conversations there that are not for me to make comment, that are for me to listen and learn and check myself in some regards. And that is something, like you said, for better or for worse, that's something I really love about Twitter as a platform, even though it has its days where I'm like, things are on fire here, so nope. I got to leave. But the days where I'm like, I can just look through my feed, think about the different, like you were saying, activists, writers, leaders, artists, and just read some of those conversations and go, how does that sit with me? How am I listening to this disabled leader? How am I listening to them and checking my own able bodied privilege there? How am I listening to the conversations that queer folks are having, the trans folks are having and checking myself for how I participate in some of these systems that they are critiquing here.

Amena Brown:

So I really do love that about Twitter. It's part of what keeps me going on there. Okay. I want to ask you, what's your criteria for how you know if someone can be your internet friend, or how would you, maybe I should start with that, how would you define someone being an internet friend? Because sometimes to me I say that phrase and it means two things. It could mean that it's someone that I don't talk to in real life. I only talk to them on the internet, but I like them. I might even love them and we just connect and do that. But then sometimes it also means there's someone that I initially connected with them on the internet. And now I've pulled them into my real life. We're friends outside of that. So how would you define internet friend for yourself?

Kaitlin Curtice :

That is so interesting because, first of all, I've learned to be far less trusting of other humans, which has been a good thing.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Right. Right.

Kaitlin Curtice :

Because I grew up into like people pleasing, trust everybody. They're so great. And you can't do that, and on social media you cannot do that. And so I've learned to pay attention more and to be more careful with people, but I do look at, if I find myself interacting more or around the same spaces online with someone, I look at who do I know that's following them, who are my friends that are friends with them. Oh, that's interesting. Maybe I reach out to that friend and say, oh, you know this person? That's awesome. And then maybe that connects us or something. It could be something like that or something totally organic where a lot of times it's been like I'm hovering in these spaces with these other people.

Kaitlin Curtice :

And then eventually we just connect with each other often on a, because of a belief or an issue that we both are really passionate about, whatever it is, like anti-racism work or some sort of justice related work, or if we're both BIPOC, I don't know. There's usually a string you can pull where you realize, oh, this is draws us to each other. Yeah. And some of those friends are just like, we message each other every now and then. And then some of it has moved to it's like, do you DM? And then you move to your email inboxes, and then do you move from the inbox to the phone number? You can actually text each other. And maybe there's a Zoom call in between somewhere. I think that, that's been an interesting way to see it evolve.

Kaitlin Curtice :

And truly, I think so many of these relationships are just born out of solidarity. We just want to hold each other up. We just want to say to each other, I see what you do in the world. And I just want to be your friend, or just be your ally, or be a sounding board for your work even, even if it's not super personal, maybe it's just like, let's just talk about why writing is hard and why being a human who writes is hard. And that's it. Maybe it's just that relationship that comes from our books, or from the things that we speak on. And that could be it and that's enough.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice :

It's actually a certain gift to have that.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Oh, I love that, because I feel like my relationship to social media, and I don't know Kaitlin, sometimes I want to say it got weird and other times I'm like, well maybe it's not weird I'm trying... A girl's in therapy. So a girl is trying to, I'm used to being like, that's weird that I do that. And I feel like my therapist is trying to get me to be like, maybe that's not weird. Maybe that's a way that you need that to be, maybe that's strength. A girl is trying to do the work over here.

Amena Brown:

So I'm not going to necessarily say that it's weird. But I feel like for those of us who were writer, speaker, artist, people pre-pandemic. And most of our work was event based. We were going to be going out, speaking at this and that. And for some of us, there were certain events that we might always see each other there, and that was this place to connect as well. But that was my time to be on. That was when my Instagram and my Twitter were the most active because I could take pictures of me and you, if you and I happen to be at some event together, I can post quotes from another speaker that I heard at that event. I can take pictures of my sound checking. There was just all this content. And then as soon as I would get home, I would shut it down.

Amena Brown:

And for me, my home time was for the people that I knew in my real life, because for me, I really needed them after being out there with strangers and people who may feel familiar with me because they're familiar with my work, but they don't really know me. They're not people that I can cry and snot with, or know what some of my real struggles are in my life, or what my insecurities might be, or what my inappropriate sense of humor might be. Those people out there, they don't know that part, but my real friends that I go to tea with, that come to my house, I go to their house. Those were relationships that I felt like I really needed, but I wasn't great at the multitasking, Kaitlin.

Amena Brown:

So then it was like I would come home and nothing's on Instagram and nothing's on Twitter because I'm going to lunch with my girlfriends, I'm going to my mom's house. I'm spending time with my family. And then I think once the pandemic came in, then I was having this strange crisis about social media, because then there wasn't really a way to, there wasn't as much of a distinct line of, oh, when I'm on the road I'm on, oh, when I'm home, I'm not, well, now we're all home and the road just really died down for me. So I spent most of this time like, oh no one knows what to do, but I loved watching the ways that you have used your social media to really build community with people. And I would love to hear what that journey was like for you and going from the person who was just getting on there as you're like, let me see how this works. And well, my book's coming out. Going from that to where your social media became this communal place, what was that journey like for you?

Kaitlin Curtice :

Yeah. It has evolved so much and I've had to learn so much about boundaries, and not just boundaries, but what kind of energy am I willing to put into the world? And what kind of energy am I willing to take into my body on a daily basis? Because I am someone who struggles with anxiety, and social media is totally a trigger for anxiety. And so there are things you have to be careful about, that I have to be careful about. I remember on Twitter, especially when I first started getting followers, I would sometimes tweet about, this space just like a big living room, we're all having coffee together. And now when I think of that image, I'm like, there's no way I would put my, what? 43,000 followers into a living room with myself, and have coffee with them.

Amena Brown:

Never.

Kaitlin Curtice :

Love you all, grateful that we all share this space. But how funny that, it was just my way of processing community like, okay, I have this group of people online who used to like me a little, at least. So we're going to hang out and share life. I was also answering everything. I was like, oh, I need to answer that tweet. I'm going to answer this tweet. I'm going to keep answering because I don't want to... And again, it's the people pleasing, or I don't want to offend anyone, I have to answer to keep my space going. And that's not true. I know that now, but you have to learn that.

Kaitlin Curtice :

So I think as my career has grown, as I've stepped into those spaces, there are things that I don't do. I don't answer trolls, because I don't retweet people and point things out unless it's important, or it's pointing to something happening, I don't do it, because I know that all that energy is just going to hit me harder than the person I'm tweeting about. It's like protecting that for myself and my followers and anyone who might be triggered by that. It's just not worth it for me. And I've had to learn that, I've had to learn I can't answer everything. And I actually have to say no to things, as scary as that is.

Kaitlin Curtice :

And so that has evolved a lot. And I've also come to the point of knowing and reminding myself that social media is a resource, it is a tool and that's how I picture and use it now, instead of this is my personal space where I process my personal life, because that's how it used to be when I was more personal. It cannot be that because we have to have boundaries. So now it is a, how can I use this space as a really good resource, as a really good tool, as a space for solidarity, as a space for holding others up or opening doors for others? What can I do in my body, in my identity with whatever privileges I have, what should I do? What can I do? That's important to me. And I ask myself that all the time, and how can I just be listening and learning quietly and loudly? How do we do that?

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice :

But you're right, COVID changed everything. Now it's like, if we want to do an event, let's just host an Instagram live with three of our favorite friends and pay them. And there we go, we had an event. It's so different, but that's overwhelming, it makes it harder to set boundaries. So I've had to set boundaries, break them every day, reset them, delete apps off my phone, put the apps back on my phone, delete them again the next week. So it's like been a journey for many of us, I think, and to not feel bad.

Kaitlin Curtice :

There's always stuff going on in the world. We have to get off. We have to get off, step into real life for a bit, or reach out to those friends that have become real friends from that space. Take breaks and then reenter and figure... It's such a, like an ebb and flow. It has to have a rhythm to it. I don't know how someone could be all on or all off. There has to be this rhythm, which is so hard. It's so hard, but how do we not do it?

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice :

Some people have stepped away and I love that they have, they did what they needed for themselves. I can't do that. I don't want to do that because of these relationships.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice :

So how do we just manage it on a daily basis?

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Ugh. That makes such perfect sense. I want to talk a little bit more about the boundaries around social media that you have had to learn or develop. I also feel like it's always weird to explain what I do for a living to other people. That's another reason why it's nice to have other writer, speaker, author, artist friends, because it's weird to say I have something of a public platform. There are some places I go that people would know who I am. But on a general basis, it's not like I'm Beyonce in Target or something, and the whole store is, Amena, I go to Target all the time and no one's worried. No one's worried. No one is concerned about anything I'm doing there. No one has gasped at my presence in Target.

Amena Brown:

So I feel like that's like now you're a famous person, if you go to Target and people have gasped as you walked by with your cart. Okay. That's a famous person. So I'm like, that's not me.

Kaitlin Curtice :

You're masking.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. As people are like, oh my God, is it her? Is it her? If you're hearing that in Target, okay, you're famous person. I'm not at that point. But I have randomly been out with friends at a restaurant, even in, not even in Atlanta, out in some other city pre-pandemic and had people walk up and go, are you Amena Brown? I saw you at the blah, blah, blah. And this typically happens, unfortunately, right after I'm sitting with my friends or my family and going, no one is worried about it. I'm an artist, a few people know about it, but people don't just walk up. It's like, normally right after I say that, that somebody walks up like, oh my gosh, I was at conference, blah, blah, blah, and saw you at the thing, thing.

Amena Brown:

So I feel like my boundaries had to start at the event level and then trickle down into what that means for social media. I was making a lot of mistakes. I was just giving my contact information to everyone who asked for that? And then sometimes getting strange communications from people. Sometimes they were really genuinely, honest questions or help that people wanted, but it wasn't something that I had the space, time, capacity to reply to all those things. So I had to stop giving my contact information to everyone. That was a big, stop doing that because then you're inviting all these emails to come to you where people really want and need help about things, questions they have about writing, about becoming an author, about speaking, about poetry, about how they start their business.

Amena Brown:

And like you, I'm totally trying to unlearn my people pleasing ways there. So that was hard for me to be like, this person is genuinely writing me wanting help. I just, I want to do everything and just having to be like, ooh, girl, you can't do that. And then once social media came into it, like you having to then go, I think if I were to say a couple of maybe they're more internal boundaries for me, but first of all, to say every terrible racist thing that happens doesn't require me as a Black woman to comment on it.

Kaitlin Curtice :

Yeah. Yeah.

Amena Brown:

I think that sometimes it's still hard, because sometimes whatever happened, I'm just at my house trying to process that, and I'm overwhelmed to the point that I just don't have anything to say. Sometimes I'm just trying to be in my Black girl joy.

Kaitlin Curtice :

Yes.

Amena Brown:

And I'm trying to honor myself by doing that. So I think that is one internal boundary that every conversation that's happening online, I don't have to participate in it, even if I have thoughts about it, I don't have to, it's not on me, I'm not constantly on top of some milk crate with my big microphone needing to speak on all the things. So what have been some of those boundaries that over time you've had to learn how to develop, or maybe are still learning how to develop?

Kaitlin Curtice :

Yeah. That's so great. And what the things you're saying are reminding me of things I've done that I have forgotten about, because thankfully they've become more every day for me. But I remember at first I felt so bad, I felt so torn, or I'm letting these people down, or I'm not being a good social media activist, or whatever we want to say to ourselves, there's so much pressure to constantly give an opinion, to constantly answer everything, and we cannot survive like that.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice :

One thing I will say about opening the doors for others and having to choose when and how to do that. My first book, maybe I would've become an author through a different avenue, but I sent in my first book to a publisher because another author gave me the name of a publisher and said, just try, you should do it. And it was like a cold call. I just walked up to her at a conference after her session, I was like, I think maybe I could write a book. I think I have something maybe. Do you know what I should do with it? And she could have easily been like, no, sorry. I don't know, because you're a random person walking up to me at this conference, but she didn't, she opened herself up and I will always thank her for that, because I didn't know I could do it until someone told me I could, or to at least try. And that was an incredible gift that I don't think that woman will ever realize how much it meant to me.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice :

And I want to do that too for others.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice :

But we can't do it for everyone. And so we have to, not that we have to pick and choose, but just there are seasons of life where I can't do five book endorsements as I'm trying to write my book, there are seasons of life where I have had to say, I know I can handle this work that is mine to do, and the extra things I have to say no to right now. And that's been hard. So two things that have stood out for me, one is I don't like doing podcasts except with people I trust. So I don't enjoy podcasts interviews. And I realized that when Native came out, because I was interviewed by a big Christian podcast, spent two hours talking to them and then they never released it.

Amena Brown:

Ugh.

Kaitlin Curtice :

That was my last straw of like, and then they asked me to rerecord it because it didn't sound right, or whatever the reason, it was like your time in labor, on your book release day, wasn't enough. So we need to rerecord the whole thing after waiting six months to tell me they weren't going to release it. And this was, as far as podcast go, I was hanging on this big one to get, to help me.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice :

And that was my last draw, it's triggering, people's questions are triggering, people aren't actually reading the book and being sensitive to what they're asking me as an Indigenous woman. There's just a lot of anxiety for me personally that goes into showing up and being asked all these questions about who I am and what I write. And I have to just say, no, I'm done. So if it's Oprah or Brene Brown or one of my friends, I'll say yes, if it's someone I trust, I will do it. But if it's just someone I don't know, and I don't know what's going to come at me, I can't handle it, my body can't handle it. It's too much for me. And that was a hard thing because you need to do podcasts, you need to do them for your career. You're told, this is just what we do. This is how we produce books. That's been hard for me, but once I decided it, it just flipped a switch like this is what my body needs. This is what my heart needs.

Kaitlin Curtice :

I cannot be doing two podcasts a week. There's something in me that can't handle the anxiety very well. So that was something I learned about myself, fairly recently, in the last few years. And again, with COVID, we're relying more on those things. So are you going to do an Instagram live, or are you going to do a podcast, or are you going to do a Zoom event, or are you going to do a lengthened Q&A at this event? I had to be honest about things that trigger me as an Indigenous woman, that have made it more difficult for me to do this work well.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice :

It's like, for speaking events, I often get really bad headaches after I speak. So trusting my body to say, all right, it's time for me to go back to my room.

Amena Brown:

Yep.

Kaitlin Curtice :

So, no, I can't go out to dinner right now. Setting those boundaries is so hard because we are made to feel bad for trusting our bodies, or that we have to expend ourselves endlessly for other people online, or in real life. And you have to keep going, because that's expected of you. And when do we get to say no, my body actually needs something else, or my mind, my mental capacity can't handle social media right now. I have to take a break.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice :

When do we trust ourselves enough? And then one more thing. I had a real season of burnout after Native came out. So I was able to just go inward and take stock of these different things. And another thing I realized is that during November, which is Native American Heritage Month, I don't really do events anymore for that.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. I know, that's right.

Kaitlin Curtice :

Because like you were saying earlier, I'm processing Thanksgiving and all of this on my own, in my own part, in my own family.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice :

And these people can all look up the various thousands of resources on what to do every year, they could literally do the same thing every year. I can't, even if I'm paid or whatever it is, I can't keep showing up and doing these events, or giving information, or helping them figure out what books to read, because the resources are there on the internet. And we already give resources all year long. So, that was a step for me where I was like, okay, I can't. So I might do one or two events, or I do them myself, I don't do things I'm asked to do, because it's too much.

Amena Brown:

Yep.

Kaitlin Curtice :

It is too much. And I have crashed and burned so hard since my career started every year. And I even write about it in Native, every year as November creeps up, it never fails to get DMs, to get all of these different requests. And I'm sure it's the same for any of those months that are... And I get it we're trying to celebrate you, or we're trying to just point out all this trauma, but for us, we're just trying to survive and hold it and be, and so that's another space for me online, offline, everywhere, where I just now just go inward and just ask what that means and share as I'm able to share, but not put pressure on myself to do all of these extra things because I'm supposed to.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice :

We're told what we're supposed to do all the time, and that if we say no we're being too much, or we must be angry, or whatever it is. And we lose money because of that. And we lose whatever. At some point we have to start trusting ourselves and having friends that hold us up with this stuff, and helping each other. And that's why you have Row House Publishing, which is a new publishing house that's featuring women and women of color and Black women, Indigenous women who are not held up and taken care of in traditional publishing houses.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice :

So there are these groups rising up to hold us. And I'm so glad because we need that.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Ugh. You just made so many good points and so many things that I just felt so viscerally like, first of all, because you're my friend I'm getting retroactively angry. I don't know if you do that when your friends tell you some terrible whatever that happened and retroactively I'm like, who said it? What? Retroactively I'm just personally getting angry.

Kaitlin Curtice :

I'll tell you later.

Amena Brown:

And then thinking about in my own experiences, how Black History Month events and then with the now more national celebration of Juneteenth also I have had some very wild event requests come in around that, and just being like, no, this is a time that I, first of all, personally want to be in my Black woman joy. That's the center of what I want to be in, what I want to be celebrating. You're asking me to come into this space that you have not taken the time to have an overall ethic of true diversity. You're not having an overall ethic of that, because if you were, then you would be having Indigenous speakers throughout the year. You would be having Black speakers throughout the year, but now you're just, oops, it's such and such month, we better get whichever, oh, it's Pride. We better find some LGBTQ+ people. Oh it's Asian Pacific Heritage Month. We better find... What are you doing? Have an ethic.

Amena Brown:

Don't wait for the month of whatever it is to come. Have an ethic where you're just valuing these voices, centering these voices overall. Then you don't have to go scrambling and doing these wild things and asking these stupid things of people who are already experiencing marginalization in whatever industry in which they work.

Kaitlin Curtice :

I get it again.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Get out of here. Don't do that.

Kaitlin Curtice :

Yep.

Amena Brown:

Don't do it if you're listening. And you work in the industry where it's your job, you got to pick people to come speak places and do... Have an overall ethic. If you're listening to this right now and you work in this type of business, look at 2021 and look at the number of disabled speakers you had, look at the number of BIPOC folks. Look at the number of LGBTQ+ folks throughout the year. And if the number ain't right, fix it all year.

Kaitlin Curtice :

Yep. Yep.

Amena Brown:

Fix it all year.

Kaitlin Curtice :

Get a plan for next year.

Amena Brown:

Plan for next year.

Kaitlin Curtice :

Plan ahead.

Amena Brown:

Get out of here.

Kaitlin Curtice :

It's possible.

Amena Brown:

Please. I love that. I love what you were saying about the boundaries you've had to develop, because I have found that no is so hard, the first one's hard. Sometimes the nos are still hard now where because there's still a little part of me that's like, somebody's asking me to come share this on their podcast? Somebody's asking me to do this event? There's still a little part of me that's like, for $5. Sure. I'm just so happy somebody's asking. And it's still, I have to take myself through this grid of questions to say to myself, like who is leading this event? What are the vibes you feel in your body when you think about going there? What are the vibes you feel in your body when you think about sitting for the interview, if you are feeling this resistance, or this hesitation? Let's explore why. And it's okay to say no to those things, even if it's just no so you can go lay in a bed.

Kaitlin Curtice :

I know. I know. And that's such a difficult reality is that so many of us, we get a request for something and we have to sit there and choose, do I get paid and get traumatized? Or do I say no and not get paid, but I'm still traumatized that they asked me in the first place, but now I'm not going to get paid, but am I saving myself some of the trauma and heartache from this?

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice :

No one should ever have to weigh that in your career. But a lot of us do, and far into our careers, it's not like we do it for the first three years and then it's over. There is a, it's painful and-.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice :

... to have people who can hold that with us is just invaluable.

Amena Brown:

I will say that is one of the great things that I feel social media brought to my life, because for so long on the event side of it, I felt like I was, I knew I wasn't alone, I knew that there were other writers, speakers, authors, but very specifically getting a chance to meet other Black women who were also doing this, meeting Indigenous women, also doing this. And some of the conversations that we got to have behind the scenes that just emotionally even, just made me feel less alone, made me feel like somebody else out here experiences these things. And I just, I love that part about Twitter.

Amena Brown:

If there wasn't Twitter, I'm sure you and I had a lot of mutual friends. If there wasn't Twitter, there might would've been a time we would've been at somebody's party, or somebody's house for a cookout. And maybe we would've met that way. But the fact that the internet gave us that, oh, we are living a similar life here, trying to figure out what to do with our words. And do we want this to be a business or not? So to get to have that connection was such a wonderful thing. Are there other moments you can think of where you were like, oh man, the internet brought me a fun friend, or the internet brought me this wonderful moment? Do you have moments like that, that you can think of also?

Kaitlin Curtice :

Well, one moment that was funny, it was one of the first people I had met in person who followed me on Twitter. And we talked for a little bit, we were at some event together and at the end of it, he was like, I don't always know if people are going to be the same as they are online, if you're going to meet someone and they're going to be totally different, because maybe we're more harsh online than we are in person, or I don't know. And I was just like holding my breath, like what are you about to say to me? And he was like, you're exactly the same. I was like great. That works for me. I don't know if everyone feels that way when they meet me, but I was like, that's cool. I'm glad that it feels congruent a bit.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice :

So right now, something that's so important to me, and I write about this in my upcoming book actually on resistance, is just the beauty of interfaith, inner spiritual work with other people who have different beliefs, or from different cultures, different backgrounds. And I have met so many new friends, indigenous friends, who practice things differently than I do. Jewish friends, friends from Palestine, sick friends, Buddhist and Hindu friends. All of these people who share such different backgrounds than I do. And we just come together for that underlying care and solidarity. And I have at least 10 of those people now that I've put in this full in my mind, I wish I could just get them all in person one day and we could just be in a room together. I would probably cry my little eyes out, because it is truly a beautiful thing to remember that there are humans behind and there're wounded humans behind all of these accounts. And that is all true.

Kaitlin Curtice :

We are all deeply, personally and collectively wounded and traumatized in so many ways. But also there's so much beauty of getting to meet in person. And my friend, Asha, who's an Indigenous healer. We met on Instagram and now she's one of my dearest friends and we Zoom and we talk, and she just released a new book. And so I'm celebrating her book with her and just checking in. And again, like you said, just to know I'm not alone in this. I have a handful of women I know I can text and say, this happened to me. That's all I need to say. And I know that you're one of them, Asha's one of them. And I have two or three others that I know I can say something and that I'm not being overly sensitive about it, or overthinking it. It just is what it is. I can say it, let it sit with someone else besides myself. And I didn't have that for the first few years of my career, I don't think, because I didn't realize I could have it maybe.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice :

And so there was a lot of loneliness. So to know now that is an option that's there and I can have that and hold it. The internet gave me that, I will never forget. I will never take that for granted, because it is such a gift.

Amena Brown:

Oh, I love that. I love that. It's good to think about the good things that the internet and social media have brought us, obviously we could name ad nauseam things that it brought us that we wish it had not, but there are some things about it that I'm like, oh man, I love that even though you and I don't live in the same city anymore, I can still see how you're doing, see how your family is, see what you're eating or something. And also I know I can text and stuff like that too, but it's nice to see what you might be talking about online, or the conversations you're beginning with your community. I love that so much. Oh Kaitlin, I could just talk to you forever. Oh my gosh. Y'all could you just talk to Kaitlin forever?

Amena Brown:

Kaitlin I want to ask you one more question and then I want to make sure we have a chance to share with the people where they can further connect with you and connect with your work. But since we are talking about the living room, I want to know when you go and visit good friends of yours, if you are called upon to bring a snack or a beverage into the living room space, what is your go to? Do you have a go to something that you make, or something that you buy, or does it depend? Discuss with us what you bring in this moment?

Kaitlin Curtice :

It does depend for sure, on what kinds of things we're going to be eating. I have been told that I make very good kale chips.

Amena Brown:

Okay.

Kaitlin Curtice :

But I don't eat them, my children do. So if the people I'm visiting like a good kale chip, I will make them a giant batch and they will very much enjoy them, but I will not be enjoying alongside.

Amena Brown:

Okay.

Kaitlin Curtice :

So, as far as I've been trying to eat more healthy in recent weeks. So now, if you ask me now, I would make a really great chick peas salad with some veggies in it, or maybe a wild rice dish from my culture, that would be a lot of fun. In the past, I don't know, I'd just probably bring chips and salsa, which is also a gift for all.

Amena Brown:

It's always the right thing.

Kaitlin Curtice :

I used to make, I would make a tea with simple syrup, that kind of stuff. And I would bring things like that. Something simple that most people can have is how I go about things. Hoping most people can have it, depending on what they're able to drink or eat.

Amena Brown:

That felt-.

Kaitlin Curtice :

I haven't thought about that in a long time, because I haven't been to anyone's house for a long time. So, it takes me a second. I'm like, what do I eat?

Amena Brown:

What will I bring? How will I do this now? I hope we get back to that, because I miss that. I miss the gathering where you got to just bring a little something and taste other people's whatever, little something they brought. I've definitely been, had my life changed by someone's salad that they brought to a little get together thing. And I was like, what's this, frisée, what is this? Tell me what this is, why it tastes so herbal, explain. It's delicious. I love that kind of moment.

Kaitlin Curtice :

Yes. I miss that.

Amena Brown:

We're going to get back to it. I recently had Cole Arthur Riley on the podcast who had a time where she lived in Philly. And I know that you were there in the area too. And Philly's one of my food cities, Kaitlin. So what we're wanting to happen, Kaitlin, is we're wanting, I don't even want a gig to be there, I just want to come there for a friend and food trip. This is what we need, Kaitlin. This is what we need. So we're just going to put it out there in the atmosphere. I'm sprinkling my atmosphere fingers.

Kaitlin Curtice :

Yeah. They're throwing the Cheesesteaks gathering in.

Amena Brown:

Oh, okay. And the Hoagie Girl, those Philly Hoagies really... I was watching, I was watching a television show recently where this man was like, he was sitting in a pool with his shirt off and he just had like a pan of lasagna on his belly and he was just eating it. And I looked at my husband and I was like, this is the way, minus the pool, this is how I like to have a hoagie in Philly. I just want to bring it back to my room. I want to sit in on my belly and just mayo everywhere. That's the life I want to live, Kaitlin. Yes.

Kaitlin Curtice :

That is a gift.

Amena Brown:

We're going to do this. Kaitlin, tell the people, they want to connect more with your work. I have heard wind that you are doing some writing over on the Substack. So tell the people, how can they connect with you over there?

Kaitlin Curtice :

So, I'm on social media, just there are many days in a row where I don't feel like I have anything to say. So if you want to see me retweet other people's great things they have to say, you're welcome to show up on Twitter with me. But I say things on my Substack, which is called The Liminality Journal. And it's just the space to explore liminality, those in between areas of our life. So I do a lot of original poetry and essays there. It's just feels lighter than a lot of what I do right on normally. And so it's been an amazing space. And so you can subscribe to that, and I'm working on my third book, which will be out next spring. So please, keep an eye out. I'm very excited about that.

Amena Brown:

Oh my gosh, Kaitlin, yes. Can the people go to your website and then they can click around there and it can tell them all the things?

Kaitlin Curtice :

Yeah. Yeah. Kaitlincurtice.com will have, yeah, updates and whatever you might need.

Amena Brown:

Ooh, that's exciting.

Kaitlin Curtice :

Hire me.

Amena Brown:

Hire Kaitlin and pay her white man rates. That's what you need to do. Hire Kaitlin. Pay her white man rates until they're not white man rates, until they're just the rates we pay people who deserve to be paid well. So do that.

Kaitlin Curtice :

Pay me white rates.

Amena Brown:

Do that people. Okay. Kaitlin, oh my gosh. Thank you so much for joining us. Y'all, all of Kaitlin's links will be available in the show notes at amenabrown.com/herwithamena. You can see all that info there. Kaitlin, I just love you girl. Thank you for taking this time to chat with me. Thanks for being my internet and my in real life friend.

Kaitlin Curtice :

Love it. Thank you.

Amena Brown:

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions. As a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRADIO. Thanks for listening. And don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 73

Amena Brown:

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to this week's episode of HER, with Amena Brown. And you know, we've been a little bit of time with me being here in the living room with you all, just chatting you, and telling y'all my business. But, I am happy to bring guests into the living room, that's what the living room is for. You all, we're here, we're guests together. But, we are bringing a guest, and I am so excited, y'all. We have with us licensed psychologist, professor, poet, author, President Elect of the American Psychological Association, and author of Homecoming: Overcome Fear and Trauma to Reclaim Your Whole Authentic Self, Dr. Thema Bryant is here with us. Dr. Thema, thank you so much.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Oh, thank you. I love the introduction, I can hear the poetic flow.

Amena Brown:

It never goes away, you do other things, but it never leaves you.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Right, that's it. It's in.

Amena Brown:

Dr. Thema, I'm so excited that you are joining us, y'all, this book right here. Let me tell y'all, sometimes a book that can bring healing to you upsets you, and those books also have their place. But sometimes, a book that can bring healing to you, like you start reading it and you already feel like you're breathing a bit easier, and that's what your pages felt like to me. And so, I hope as we talk about this, Dr. Thema, that folks who have not gotten their copy of Homecoming can make sure that they do, because it is a good breath for all of us to take.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Mm-hmm, thank you, I'm so grateful to hear that. And that really was the intention, I think some people have this false idea that telling people off, or dismantling people is what healing looks like. And we have enough dismantling, we have enough of the violation, and the assaults. So, our healing should be an invitation to something deeper, and more honoring of who we are, even as it stretches us, but still holds us.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, mm-hmm, I love that. Now, I want to start with a very important question, it's a very serious question that we need to talk about, which is snacks, Dr. Thema. Snacks, it's very important. It could be a part of our healing journeys, is snacks.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Absolutely.

Amena Brown:

So, when I talked to our HER With Amena community, I always say to them, this podcast is sort of my vision of what my living room has been like, where my girlfriends and I gather together. And sometimes, we had enough money to charcuterie board, and sometimes we just had enough money to have some unfinished hummus that happened to be sitting in the fridge, and my girlfriend brought a bell pepper she had kind of cut a little bit off of, and we just combined all the things together, you know?

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Made it work, yeah.

Amena Brown:

So, if you're in this situation with your friends, or your family, whoever you like to gather with, what's your snack that you typically bring to the space?

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Yes. First, I would think individual snacks, so just my regular snack by myself, to myself, are almonds. I am the almond queen.

Amena Brown:

That's a good one.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

And hot green tea is my soothing blanket. If I was going somewhere, I'm not going to just bring almonds, so...

Amena Brown:

But when people love you, you could. You could.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Yeah, you could, that's true, that's true. And they would appreciate my almond bag.

Amena Brown:

Now, let me ask you a quick question about these almonds, Dr. Thema. Is this roasted, unsalted?

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Yes, no, no, no-

Amena Brown:

Are you... What are the vibes?

Dr. Thema Bryant:

... we're roasted, we're not unsalted over here. We need a flavor to it.

Amena Brown:

Okay, a little flavor? I like it, I like it, okay. And if you were in a situation where you had to bring your snack, but also maybe other people going to share, then what would be the vibes?

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Yes. So, snack-wise, I think when you said hummus, that often resonates. And since I've been living in California, which has been some time, I've gotten into avocado and guacamole, so we could definitely roll with that as well.

Amena Brown:

That's always a good choice, I'm going to admit Dr. Thema, because I feel like this is a safe space, that I really don't get along with avocados, and I have a few friends that they try to love me in spite of, they're just... Mm-hmm.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

In spite of, that's all right. I grew up in Baltimore, in Baltimore we didn't eat avocado. So, I'm good with that. It's just, it's a late arrival for me.

Amena Brown:

It's like, if it's in a guacamole for some reason, I can handle it there. But my friends that slice it up, and they just salt and pepper, it's new for me. But now that you're saying this, Dr. Thema, I'm wondering to myself, because I live in Atlanta. So, I'm wondering to myself if a part of that is location-

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Yeah, you just didn't grow up with it.

Amena Brown:

... and that the avocados where you live might taste better-

Dr. Thema Bryant:

True, that is true.

Amena Brown:

... than what we're getting down here, so...

Dr. Thema Bryant:

And really, it really comes down to the seasoning too, what you shake on there.

Amena Brown:

Mm-hmm. Come on, what you shake on there. Maybe that's what avocado needs, maybe when I added it it wasn't seasoned right.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Shake something, yeah, yeah, it-

Amena Brown:

I'm so glad we had this talk.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

... needed a little something.

Amena Brown:

So, Dr. Thema, in addition to your work as a psychologist, you are also a poet. I find that so wonderful and fascinating, and maybe it's also personal for me that I'm a poet too. But, what role has poetry played in your work, and in your life? How do you see that foundation sort of playing a role, even in what you're doing today?

Dr. Thema Bryant:

It's so important, because a lot of times when we're in need of healing, we have been silenced. And so, our stories haven't been told, they've been diluted, we've had to read the script of what somebody else wanted us to say. So, a part of our healing is getting my words back, right?

Amena Brown:

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

And reclaiming my voice. And so, I have used poetry to heal both personally, and with clients. With clients, I can use it individually, with people receiving kind of homework assignments to write on a theme that came up in session, or writing in-session. And I've also done poetry therapy groups, where the entire therapeutic process is centered around reading poetry, reflecting on poetry, writing our own, and sharing our own. And I can remember once at a poetry coffee house in Boston where I used to live, after I shared a piece, and it was the first time someone said to me, "I feel like I was just in therapy." And so I think it's a wonderful vehicle to bring healing beyond the walls of the private practice office.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

And, I will even say a lot of times in poetry spaces, that healing voice is needed because sometimes in open mike, it can just be like a series of horrible experiences with no breath, and no life. And I'm glad people are getting it out, but for those who are receiving it, it can be some nights, depending on just who signs up, it can be a dry space. And so, that combination of speaking truth, but truth with breath.

Amena Brown:

Mm-hmm. Oh, that breath is so important, and I recall this about the open mike. You could have some nights where that almost felt like this church, or sort of spiritual space, right?

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

I mean, you could have some nights where you were kind of like, "Okay, I don't know what I need to do when I leave here, but I've got to do something else."

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Because something else is like, I just sat through seven terrible things to get to that one good one.

Amena Brown:

Like, "It's only coffee served here. What do I do with myself?"

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Right, right. Come on, come on.

Amena Brown:

I want to talk about the journey that led to you writing your book, and I know that we have many listeners that have dreams in their own hearts of wanting to write a book, and having experienced book writing on different levels for those of us who are authors too, there's all this journey that leads to what people actually hold in their hands. Sometimes the title comes first, sometimes the theme of maybe what you want to write. What was the journey like that led you to writing this book, and did you always feel in your heart that writing books was something you wanted to do?

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Yes. I will credit the seed with my mom, she used to get my brother and I journals very early, like in elementary school, and would encourage us to write poetry, to write our thoughts, to write solutions to world problems. So, I'd been writing early, and she is a writer. And a large part of my professional career as a professor and a researcher has been academic writing, and academic writing is like the opposite of poetry. For me, it feels very restricted, and very narrow. And so, because I have really a heart for community, I have always had the desire to be able to create resources where people can get the information, and it's not just full of jargon. A lot of my prior books are academic books that are used to train future psychologists.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

So because they're textbooks, they're very expensive. So, I would never even tell members of the community about them, because I'm not going to have them pay $65. So, to be able to write something that most people can access for $20 is in alignment with my values. And the other piece that happened in terms of the pathway here is, I started the Homecoming Podcast about three years ago, and I started the podcast in the aftermath. So, I post mental health quotes on social media, and people always write asking for more information. Because you know, a tweet can only be a certain number of characters. So, to deal with people having questions I said, "Okay, let me do the podcast." The podcast, it was like 30 minute episodes. And then people would write me after the episode with more questions.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

So it's like, I could keep trying to email people back one at a time, or I could put all this in a resource, and people could have it in their hands. And also, I was blessed that the publisher approved the audiobook as well, for people who preferred to listen. And so, it really came from wanting to share knowledge, that it should not just be for the elite, or for the wealthy. But, that knowledge is power, knowledge is healing. And so, that's why I wrote it.

Amena Brown:

Mm-hmm (affirmative), I love that. And I'm just always curious to hear about the journey to book-writing, and even for yourself as a writer you've had these different genres of experience, where you've written poetry, you've written academic work, and now writing something that is for the people, so to speak, you know?

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Yes, yes, absolutely.

Amena Brown:

You're hoping that anyone can access that, I love that. There's so much to say that I loved about your book. First of all, I personally love that there are homework sections in this book, because-

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Excellent.

Amena Brown:

... I didn't enjoy homework in school. But let me tell you, when I'm in a healing space that kind of question-asking, and having different activities I can try to sort of process things, that is so helpful for me. So, when I saw that I was like, "Oh, I love that," you know? That gives you something... Because sometimes you can read something, and you're taking it in. But especially some of what is in your book that you're really walking people through with some hard things that people may have experienced in life, so you can even read the chapter, and then at the end of the chapter feel like, "Okay, well, I don't know what to do with myself, or with these feelings or thoughts." So, talk to us more about what the process was of you deciding this book shouldn't just have sort of traditional chapters, it should also have these places for application.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Yes, absolutely. I personally, and then I have also witnessed and heard many people who will say like, a podcast was moving, a sermon was moving, a book was moving, and nothing has changed. It was like an emotional high that did not translate in any way to our real lives or behaviors, and that also shows up in therapy. There are some times I will have clients who, and I think I even say this in the book, who hide behind the word confused. They'll keep saying, "I don't know, I don't know, I'm confused," which is immobilizing. "I never have to take action as long as I say I don't know." So, people can spend years in therapy talking about thinking about change. And at some point, we have to either shift, or be willing to tell yourself the truth that I have decided to stay where I am.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

And I just had a client this past week who was kind of doing that, talking in circles. The week before had said they want to change something, this week it was back to the normal. So I said, "So your truth is, you have decided to stay?" So, we just have to get to that. Because no shift is also a choosing, and it's a decision. So, let's own our lives. I think the importance of agency and empowerment is important, and I'm also aware... I think the significance of the homework is, some people need the steps. I think sometimes people assume that everybody has access to the same information, or knows what to do. But like you said, you could come to that and say, "Well, that's interesting. But what do I do with that?" So, the practical part is important.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

That's why kind of my two phrases I often strive for within my work is inspiration and information. So yes, I want people to feel capable, feel inspired to do it, but then now, what's something specific to do?

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Okay, I want to talk about... Y'all, I'm just here with like a thousand things, and I'm like, "I only have a certain amount of time to talk to Dr. Thema," y'all know, you know? We're not here for two weeks where I can be like, "Anyways girl, what about this, what about that?" Okay, but, let me ask you about this. One of the themes that you talked about in the book is the idea of disconnection, and I found that idea in the way you were helping the reader kind of unfold what that means. I found that idea so powerful on a lot of levels, we are here at the time of this recording still currently in a pandemic, while sort of feeling the tensions of decisions that may be made out of our control, or decisions we have to make regarding how we still sort of try to air quotes, "Move forward, even though we are still currently here, right?

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

And so, it was really a powerful idea to me, because I think the last two years of living through a pandemic, particularly speaking to those of us here in America, but really globally as well, there's a lot of disconnection that we either discovered because of the pandemic, and how that changed and switched our lives. Or, the pandemic itself, that experience, whether that was our change in work, our change in our family or social life, all these different ways that affected us. So, I wanted to see if you can give a few of the signs, the rest of the signs are in the book. But, I want to see if you can give a few of the signs, how can we recognize that we may be disconnected? Because one of the things you're talking about there in the book is that we could really live our lies disconnected, and not know, or not recognize, really.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Mm-hmm, yeah, absolutely.

Amena Brown:

Can you talk more about that?

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Yeah, thank you for that, and for putting it in the context of the pandemic. Because I think we still really haven't fully taken in what that means for us emotionally, psychologically, the cost and the impact. And a lot of people are just trying to go through the motions, or business as usual. But it has been a major disconnection, a disconnection from other people, and a disconnection from ourselves. So, one of the signs that you're disconnected is when you're numb. So, when you don't feel anything one way or another, we see all of these deaths by the pandemic, we see all this racial injustice, we see all of these political dynamics. If nothing moves you, then you're checked out. And we have all seen people, and even experienced times in our lives that we were present, but not present.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

And so, to be aware like, when did I stop feeling? When did I stop feeling is one of the warning signs. Another warning sign is when you remain in unfulfilling circumstances. So, when I stay on a dead end job, when I stay in a dead relationship, it requires that I check out from myself. There's no other way to do that. And so, and I think I referenced it in the book, the person who was at a job they hated, they complained about it all the time. And when I asked about other options, they literally said, "Well, I only have 10 more years till retirement." It's like, 10, a decade? You're going to do this to yourself for a decade?" And I say that even with my knowledge of poverty, and classism, and all of these things.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

But sometimes, there are options. Sometimes, we are not as stuck as we believe, and that is also being in unfulfilling relationships where people are more about counting the years than counting the joy. "Wow, we did it." And it's like, but what's the quality of those years? What's the quality of that time? And so, I would say if nothing really moves you anymore, or if you know you're in an unfulfilling place, you're probably disconnected, and in need of a homecoming.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, a return. Oh, I love that. I mean, there's a lot of hearing that word, especially in Black community, really across diaspora, right?

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

There's a lot of themes of that idea. I remember going to funerals growing up, that were referred to as homegoing, right?

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Mm-hmm, yes.

Amena Brown:

And then there were sort of like homecoming in my Black college experience, and there's also church homecoming, when sort of the preacher from your mamma, or your grandma returns. Would be like, "Y'all, I know y'all been out there, ain't going to church. Come on back this one weekend," you know?

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Right. "Come home, come on home."

Amena Brown:

So, just all the levels of that were present for me too.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Yes, yes, I love you raising that. It's one of those cultural links, when Chris Rock says he can say the same joke, and Black people will hear one joke, and white people will hear a different joke. So it is like all of the cultural meanings of home for us, thinking of community, thinking of identity, thinking of places of belonging, thinking of celebration, thinking about the collective process. As a friend of mine said... Actually, I think it was an interview for a podcast, they said, "Do you think we need a national homecoming?" Yeah, and a part of this process is individual, but a part of it is the collective as well.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, yeah. Oh, I love that. When you were talking about the dead end relationships, and how we can begin to count those by the years, it made me think about that old In Living Color sketch, where it was like the older couple. And they would say, "But we're still together," after they fought, and insulted each other, and all these things. "But we're still together." It's like, "Well, maybe we don't have to be, if that's not what's working. We'll talk about that."

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Right. It's an important question of like, how we measure success. Because sometimes, people are loyal to situations that are not loyal to them, and it can be... If how I count success is endurance, but I am enduring with something that is breaking my spirit, it's not really healthy.

Amena Brown:

Mm-hmm. Oh, that's so good. I'm going to talk a little bit about therapy, especially those who are new to therapy, or considering therapy. I know here in this podcast living room space, we've talked a lot about the power of therapy, and the process of therapy, and how it is good to be able to remove... In some of our communities, we have sort of a sense of shame, if we find ourselves feeling like we need to see a professional, that we are beyond what our friends or our family can do to help us. So as a professor, as well as a psychologist yourself with a practice, what are the thoughts, tips, advice you would give to folks who are either new to therapy, or who are sort of on that teetering edge, considering? They're thinking, "This is something I need," but they feel apprehensions. What thoughts would you give to those thoughts?

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Yeah, absolutely. I love the question, because it is important for us to know that we are deserving of healing space, we're deserving of spaces where we don't have to be on, where we don't have to perform, where we don't have to be the caretaker, where we can receive. And so, friendship, and romantic relationships, and family are all beautiful and have their place. But, that is not the same thing as working through an issue with a trained professional. And so yes, get auntie's advice, get your sister, friend's advice. But then also, get the strategies for the healing, and the deprogramming, and the shifting of your life. And a couple important things I would say, one is not every therapist is the same. So, the same way you would shop around for a university, or shop around for a church home, you can shop around for a therapist.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

So, just because you go to one session doesn't mean you all are going to hit it off. And if you don't hit it off, to not think, "Oh, I tried therapy, it doesn't work." Because therapists have different styles, and different personalities. So, you just want to check in with yourself to say like, "What was it about it that I didn't like, so that I can know going forward?" And so, to be empowered about that, that you can ask questions, think about the primary issues or challenges you wanted to work on. And then look at their website and see, do they make any reference to those things? Because they may be brilliant in something that's not your thing. Someone is an addiction specialist, and you're coming there because you're tired of being single, they may not have that.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Many people are generalists, but you want to think about what are the things you want to work on, asking them if they've worked with people with those issues. And then if demographics are important to you, then you can look at that as well. Some people prefer younger, some people prefer older. Some people have preferences around gender, or sexuality, or race and ethnicity. And I will say, if they are not your same demographic, to be comfortable and empowered asking them questions about that, to see if it can still work. Because there are times that it can, you would just have to feel that out, if there is a sense of home or safety there for you. And, one of the things that people often go in who have never been in therapy, at the first session they often want to say, "How long is this going to take?"

Dr. Thema Bryant:

And like, you know, "How long before I'm healed and transformed?" And to that I would say, unless you have a therapist that's working with a manual, we can't give you the exact number of weeks. Now sometimes, let's say if you go to a college counseling center, each student is allowed eight sessions and that's it for the school year. So then that's not necessarily eight sessions then you're done, but eight sessions and you're done, that's all they're going to give you. So, there are some approaches that are, like if I run a trauma recovery group that's a set number of weeks. But in general, if I'm working with someone individually, I can't tell you in the beginning how long it's going to be. A part of the reason is because most of us don't come in the first session really revealing everything.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

So, it continues to unpeel, some because you don't trust the person yet, some because of shame, and some it's not in your awareness. Sometimes we're not thinking about it, we didn't realize that we're still carrying that. And then something will happen in-session that will remind you of like, "Oh, that's just like whatever that situation is." But, you want to say like, "What am I gaining from it, do I... How do I feel when I'm there, and how do I feel when I leave?" And what I do say to clients is, some sessions are harder than others. And it is different than friendship, even for therapists have to make a suggestion when I'm doing training for future therapists. Because when I'm talking to a friend, if you're upset about something, we're going to stay on the phone for hours until you're ready to hang up, or we fall asleep.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Or, I'm going to come over to your house, and we're going to be there for hours. So, therapy is generally an hour, which means we're pressing pause. And so for some people, they could feel like, "But wait, I'm not done." It's not going to be done today, right?

Amena Brown:

Right, right.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

It's not going to be all finished today, but we're going to press pause, reflect on what came up in the hour. We'll continue it next time. So, that sometimes is a part people have to adjust to.

Amena Brown:

Mm-hmm. These are such great tips, folks. I hope that y'all are listening to that. I know there are people listening right now who are like, "Hmm, I think it's time, I think I need." So, I'm hoping Dr. Thema was able to give you some things to help the process of going into therapy, especially if it's your first time. Or, it could be your first time in a long time, that it's okay that you feel those fears, or those nerves, and all of that. And all of that is normal and good, and it is possible to find someone that feels like a good fit for you. I love those tips you gave. I want to ask a few Dr. Thema questions, we're just going to get a slight personal moment here. I also gravitated to your book, Dr. Thema, because I love things that have the theme of home.

Amena Brown:

I was a kid that grew up military, I experienced both branches of the military in one childhood, Air Force and Army, so I moved around a lot. And then I grew up to be a person that traveled a lot for work, so there's a lot of... Even in my creative work, that them of sort of how we make home, how we find home, how we return to it, all those themes are always so interesting to me. So, I would love if you can share with us what is one place, or one person who feels like home to you?

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Yes, yeah. The example I want to give for this, I think it's so important because it disrupts these notions of women not getting along, or women being competitors, or petty, or all of these kind of sexist myths. I have a group called The Gathering, and it's a group of powerful women, and we meet monthly. And before the pandemic we met at my house, and since the pandemic we meet on Zoom. But the powerful thing, the enriching thing about this sisterhood circle is, we... The first hour we would eat and just kind of casually catch up. And the second hour, we'd each give a reflection, like about five minutes. And what it allows is that not one person is the pouring one, or not one person has to be the strong one, like everybody recedes.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

And so yes, I'm going to share something. But then, I'm getting something from everybody else in the circle, and it's that whole piece of iron sharpens iron. So, a sisterhood circle is important where we don't have to be on, where I don't feel the weight of, "I am here," carrying it all. But really being peers, and being sisters, and I definitely feel home the first Sundays of every month.

Amena Brown:

Oh, I love that. I love that, I love the sense of regularity, you know?

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

I think there's something really just stabilizing about that, as well as... Especially when I have friends... I mean, my mom is a nurse, I have friends who are nurses, I have friends who work in social work. I feel like particularly when you work in a cares sort of field or industry, you can not have a lot of places, sometimes, where you can go and also be poured into. And I loved that sort of collective, that, there's no one person that has to have the encouraging word to say, or you know? There's no pressure, you can just... Whatever your reflection is. I love that, that leveling of the emotional playing field in a way, it's wonderful.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Right, right, yeah, it's wonderful. I love it.

Amena Brown:

Now, I've got to ask you about food, because it's important to me. What food reminds you of home?

Dr. Thema Bryant:

The food that most reminds me of home is a food I cannot eat often, and that is homemade bread.

Amena Brown:

Oh, yes. So good, so good. Just, even the way it makes your house smell, that's what I was going to say, yeah.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

It's the smell of it, the taste of it.

Amena Brown:

The way it smells, you're automatically like, "Yes, this is it."

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Yeah, home, home.

Amena Brown:

Is there a particular kind of homemade bread? Is it sourdough, is it multigrain? What's it doing there? Or, is it all the homemade breads?

Dr. Thema Bryant:

All of it, all of it. You see my face? All of it.

Amena Brown:

I love that. We celebrate bread around here, we love bread. It's delicious. What is one thing that is bringing you joy right now. Dr. Thema?

Dr. Thema Bryant:

I'm going to say my kids. They are such a delight, and two very different personalities. So, it's just beautiful to see people as themselves. We show up to the planet as our own little unique beings, so it's a pleasure watching them, and getting to know their just quirks, and their spirit. And my daughter is a mini-me, very studios and focused. And what I say to people is, my son came to teach me humility. He's a firecracker, and so when I just have my daughter I just would say, "We'll go over here, or not to talk loud," whatever you say she's going to do. And so I was like, "Parenting," right? "Parenting is a piece of cake," right. So then with my son it's like, "Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down." So I said, it has given me a lot more grace and compassion for myself and for other parents. But yeah, I enjoy them.

Amena Brown:

Oh, I love that. Dr. Thema, the people are listening, the people want to know where they can get this book, so that they can begin their own journeys. The people want to know how they can stay connected to you and your work. Where would you tell the people to go?

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Yes, absolutely. My website is Drthema.com, D-R-T-H-E-M-A. I would encourage you to get the Homecoming book, to listen to the Homecoming Podcast, which is on all major platforms. We're up to like 140-some episodes, so go catch up. And I am in social media the most on Twitter and Instagram. In March, when the book came out, I joined TikTok, so I have a couple of videos there.

Amena Brown:

Look, come on Dr. Thema.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Yes, come join me, come on.

Amena Brown:

Come on and TikTok for the people, y'all-

Dr. Thema Bryant:

That's it, that's it.

Amena Brown:

... can return to yourselves on TikTok too, mm-hmm.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Come on, for the people, for the people. That's where the people are, the young people especially. So, get over there.

Amena Brown:

Oh, I love that. Well, y'all remember these things. But even if you don't remember, you can go to the show notes. All the links to where you can get Homecoming, where you can connect with Dr. Thema, we'll make sure all the links were there. Dr. Thema, this has been such a pleasure to talk with you, thank you for taking the time. And thank you for giving the people something that can help us along our healing journeys, thank you for putting that work out into the world.

Dr. Thema Bryant:

Oh, you are welcome. It's been delightful talking to you, and I'm just grateful for this space. Many blessings for you and for your listeners.

Amena Brown:

HER With Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions, as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network, in partnership with iHeart Radio. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 72

Amena Brown:

Hey, y'all, welcome back to another week of HER with Amena Brown. And y'all, the living room, the couch is just in a very exciting time because so many wonderful people are getting to come in and do a few conversations. So, I am so excited to welcome Faitth Brooks into the HER living room.

Amena Brown:

Faitth, I feel like what I did almost just then is I almost said a thousand titles that I think of when I think of you. Maybe I should still say them and then you could come back and tell the people, "No, that's not true. No, Amena is making that up." So I'm going to say writer, podcaster, entrepreneur, consultant, anti-racism ... What would you say? Would you say anti-racism educator, anti-racism writer? How would you like title that part of your work?

Faitth Brooks:

I usually say educator typically.

Amena Brown:

I said it right, anti-racism educator. Can cook, can burn, can put together a fit. I just learned how to say a fit just now, because Faitth showed me how. Keeps you on trend.

Faitth Brooks:

You're doing good though.

Amena Brown:

Uh-huh.

Faitth Brooks:

You're doing good.

Amena Brown:

Faitth Brooks, here in a building. Thank you so much for joining me.

Faitth Brooks:

Yeah. Thanks for having me. I'm excited about this.

Amena Brown:

You were one of the first people I thought of, so y'all, I wanted to have a series of conversations about internet friends, because I realized there are quite a few people in my life that I started out having been friends with them from social media. And then we became friends in real life. And I think you and I have an interesting story to tell, because I think we met in real life first, but then we went all these years where we didn't actually see each other in person.

Amena Brown:

So we cultivated our friendship actually online on social media. And just the way you navigate your platform on social media, Faitth, and how social media has played a role in your writing and in your career, how your career has progressed. I just thought you would be so perfect to come on and talk about this.

Amena Brown:

So let us first begin, Faitth, with how did you and I meet? Because now you've been in my life so long, I feel like-

Faitth Brooks:

Time flies by, right? I'm thinking about that too. That was probably seven years ago, if I'm doing the math, correct. I'm not even good at math. So thank God I married a mathematician basically. He loves math and I've given up on doing any kind of major math. I don't do it anymore.

Faitth Brooks:

But we met in 2015 at a women's event. And I remember distinctly because I was walking into the stairwell and you were coming back out because I think you had just done a spoken word or something. And I commented on it, but we had a really quick Black girl moment. And we had been kind of vibing a little bit throughout the event every time we kind of saw each other. And by the end of the event, we exchanged numbers, which was something you never did.

Amena Brown:

That's true though.

Faitth Brooks:

But we exchanged numbers and you were like, "This is not my burner phone. So, don't be passing out that number."

Amena Brown:

Not Faitth telling my secrets. She ain't told a lie though. So some of y'all that think y'all got my phone number, some of y'all got that burner. But you didn't. I didn't give you the burner though. I didn't. You're right.

Faitth Brooks:

You didn't. But here's the thing. See, if somebody gives you their contact information like that, you can't abuse it. You know what I'm saying? You can't just be hitting people up all the time. So we had exchanged numbers, but we weren't texting all the time. So what really happened is we got to know each other through social media and that's really where we started to chat. So more of that Instagram platform is where we began to connect.

Amena Brown:

I remember this now that you are bringing this up, because I think I had gone through a phase where I was meeting different people and I would just give them my number right away. And then I quickly realized that that's a big, old regret, especially with the type of work many of us were doing at the time. You're constantly doing event work. You're constantly traveling in different cities. Sometimes even if you ... I mean, I don't do this anymore, but I used to travel alone sometimes too. So they would send somebody to come pick you up. That person has to have your cell number.

Amena Brown:

Child, people would come to Atlanta and be like, "I'm out here going to the Braves game. What you up to?" I'm like, "Who is this?" "Oh, it's so and so I was driving you around in whatever city." And I was like, mm-mm, and a couple of my friends are like, "You need to use you a burner phone and stop giving all those people your number."

Amena Brown:

But every now and then, I would get a vibe about someone, which is totally the vibe I got about you. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to try it and see you didn't abuse it though.

Faitth Brooks:

I mean, that's the thing. That's the key. Some people, they talk about networking and things like that. And they take advantage of people, really. They take advantage of having people's contact information, messaging them. That's why people have boundaries. And that's why people have burner phones. You know what I'm saying?

Amena Brown:

Okay. Because you don't have time to be dealing with that mess. So Faitth, can you talk me back through your social media history? It's so wild sometimes to me to say words like social media history because when I think of history, I think of things that happened decades and decades ago, centuries ago, things like this. But it is important to know a person's social media history because I do think that plays a role in how we decide to navigate our relationships online as well. So what was the first social media platform that you were ever on?

Faitth Brooks:

The first platform I was ever on was Zynga.

Amena Brown:

Come on, Zynga? Come on. And take us back to that, Faitth. Tell the people, what did Zynga do in comparison to what people know social media to be like now?

Faitth Brooks:

Zynga was kind of like a blog. Essentially, you had your profile. You got to write what you wanted. You could put pictures, you could follow other writers. And so we would follow each other. And it was just kind of your first kind of dabble into this blogging world, except you had your site, your picture. You had things that kind of signified, this is your of Zynga profile. You could build it out. You could change the colors. You could change all kind of stuff about it.

Faitth Brooks:

I used to spend hours on my Zynga profile because I wanted it to be hopping. You know what I'm saying? I want my bling it up. I want you to read what I got to say. I want you to look at how good it looks, all that stuff matters. So this is in the beginning too, because you had to use coding as well. So, I didn't really know that it was coding back then because I was just kind of doing whatever. But you had to learn the codes to change your colors and stuff. It wasn't fancy the way it is now, how you do it. We had to input the codes for what we wanted and you build your space out. So that was the first thing.

Faitth Brooks:

Then I went to MySpace. That was a hit for a minute. You had your Top 8. That was that whole thing. Friends fighting for spots.

Amena Brown:

Boy, getting the messages like, "Why I'm not in the top?" And I'm like, "I don't want ..." Now I got to find the code for a Top 16, because there was a little cheat code you can use.

Faitth Brooks:

Yes. So Zynga, MySpace. From MySpace, then Facebook hit the map and it was for university students at the time, which was dope. It felt better. It felt exclusive. Your mom wasn't going to be on it. And then a few years into it, they opened it up to everybody and we were like, it's ruined. So that was that.

Faitth Brooks:

And then Instagram, so Instagram popped off. That was better. So as young people switched over to Instagram and said, "Let our parents have Facebook, let our grandparents have it." And then went over to Instagram. Somewhere during this Instagram and Facebook time, I joined Twitter. I'm going to be honest with you. I am on Twitter now still. However, I have never been one of those people to garner thousands of followers on Twitter, have a lot to say there. It's just not my main medium. It really isn't.

Faitth Brooks:

And while I think it's nice, it's anxiety-inducing for me to be on Twitter. I'm not even, like I could be having a decent day and you get on Twitter, the world's on fire, we're all about to die, and everything sucks. So that's just not the platform for me to highly engage in. So I'm there. I joined there a while back. I mostly just read what people are saying, when I do decide to get on there.

Faitth Brooks:

And then I went over to TikTok in 2020.

Amena Brown:

Nice.

Faitth Brooks:

And started TikToking it with them kids. So, they're probably mad I'm over there too, just like I was mad when the grown people joined Facebook. I know they're like, "What? What are you doing over here, millennial? Get out." But I'm here. Some of them are welcoming me with open arms. So, I'm thankful. I'm glad they let me in their sanctuary of space. So, I'm just trying to learn what the kids are learning.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Because TikTok does seem like a place where whatever the ... I feel like in every season of life, there's always somebody that's the generation. So I feel like the generation that is the generation right now is probably that like Gen Z and maybe the generation that may be a little younger than them now. And TikTok is the place. It seems like they're not really on these other platforms because apparently, we would be their aunties now or something.

Faitth Brooks:

Yeah, exactly.

Amena Brown:

They were trying to be away from us, but appreciating some of us that come over there that are also using that platform as well. So I always love that about you that you're able to know what's trending and get in there and learn the language. I feel like I am not an early adopter in that regard. By the time I probably figure out TikTok, it's going to be some other wham blam that other ... The kids are going to be over there like nobody's TikToking. It's like holograms on wham blam. And I'm going to be like, "Oh, I just learned how to do this dance. I ain't over here no more?"

Faitth Brooks:

They're going to be on Web3.

Amena Brown:

Please. Because y'all, I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what Web3 is.

Faitth Brooks:

Oh, Web3. That's the next iteration of the internet. That's where we're going. We're going to Web3.

Amena Brown:

Wow, Faitth. So what is Web3 doing? We're going to open up our hands so that we can see a hologram? That's what I always think.

Faitth Brooks:

I feel like it's something similar to that. I'm not going to misspeak here because I don't have a deep, deep understanding of it. But NFTs, that's like diving into Web3. So, stuff like that. So if I'm saying this right, which I'm probably not, so y'all don't come for me. I'm not an expert. But essentially, it's trying to have an iteration of the web where creators have more ownership of what they create. So that's a part of what Web3 is going to involve. So NFTs are kind of a part of that.

Faitth Brooks:

So that's why they're kind of taking off. So it's creating more of this digital space where people are actually purchasing this digital content rather than the platforms having ownership over what you create.

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Faitth Brooks:

And there's more. There's a bunch more business-y side of things that I have zero idea about, but essentially, it's just another iteration of where the internet is going to. I'm still learning, I'm watching videos about it. But that's just where it's headed.

Amena Brown:

Y'all, I feel ... See, this is also why you need internet friends so that you can get a little bit of education because I didn't know what Faitth was talking about until just now and still probably have a 2% understanding. But-

Faitth Brooks:

I'm still early in my understanding. We're just trying to do our best over here.

Amena Brown:

That's it. Yes, Faitth. We love to see it. So when we talk about internet friends, I think in my mind, when I say internet friends, I think I could mean two different things. I feel like they're internet friends that are not my friends in real life, but that I do connect with them in the online space. And then I would consider internet friends to be friends that I either met on the internet or the internet was our main connector for a long time before we became the kind of people that would go to each other's houses or would go see each other. If we don't live in the same city, we'd visit each other when we're in the same place or something.

Amena Brown:

So, I want to know what's your criteria for an internet friend. And if we are going to say there are two kinds to over-generalize, how do you know? Even if they're not your friend in real life, how do you know if that person is your internet friend versus just someone you follow or versus just being someone who follows you?

Faitth Brooks:

So let's start with the internet friends where we're just purely, our friendship stays on the internet and it really doesn't go beyond that into our personal lives. I would say with those people, it's typically, we are chatting about something that's just kind of like, that brings us together. So for me, there are some Black women that I talk to that we just kind of vibe about Black women's stuff. And we like to talk about that and laugh at different videos or somebody might send me something and we just kind of end up connecting in that way.

Faitth Brooks:

And it usually happens slowly and organically over time. And I mean a significant time, like a year, two years of kind of conversing a little bit here and there, back and forth. We share a common interest. We kind of have something that kind of propels us into more communication or it's even like we have similar fields, lines of work as writers. Then they might want to ask me a question about, "How did you do this? Or how did you begin your writing career?"

Faitth Brooks:

And so we kind of talk shop about stuff like that. It's pretty common. And then there's people that I don't know if we'll be friends outside of the internet, but I'm willing to meet them and find out. So there was this one girl, I saw what she did. She kind of lived around this area, I just moved to the DMV. So we decided to meet up. We talked shop, we laughed, she was dope. I was like, oh yeah, we could totally be friends outside of the internet. She was great.

Faitth Brooks:

And so I will oftentimes, I haven't done that as often as I used to, obviously. We're still within a pandemic, but I used to do that all the time with people. I would talk to them, we'd meet up. And then from there, I would either be able to determine if we're just going to chit-chat online or if we have enough commonality beyond that one thing we connected on to actually connect in real life outside of one shared interest.

Faitth Brooks:

And that's kind of usually how I know. If I can vibe with you about multiple live things and not just one thing, and then I feel like I can show up as my full self and I don't have to put on a facade for you, then that's a key. Also when people are kind of have really high expectations of me, this is the internet version I see of you and I'm expecting you to be that internet person in person, then I know it's probably not going to work because I'm human.

Faitth Brooks:

And how we engage online is different than how you engage in real life and in person. And it doesn't mean that you're not being genuine to who you are. It's just the fact. When I'm talking online, I'm talking to my phone, into my phone and it goes out to the people. But in real life, we're talking social cues, we're talking about nuance, complexity, body language. All those things factor together to let you know if you're really going to be able to vibe with a person or not. So I take all of those interactions into consideration.

Amena Brown:

Without being amiss, can I just ask, when you have to meet up with someone that you knew online and then you have in real life meeting, what are the vibes that make you go, "Oh no. It's not for us. It's not for us to be friends in real life. It's just the internet for us"? Are there certain vibes or is it just based on that individual person? Like in your intuition, you're just like, "I know. And I'm good. There's no shade, but I'm good."

Faitth Brooks:

I feel like it's some of both. But to be honest with you, when I meet somebody and we're vibing, it's like conversation feels effortless. It's almost like we don't run out of things to talk about. And also, I don't feel like I have to be the driver of the conversation.

Amena Brown:

That's a good point.

Faitth Brooks:

I am an extrovert. But I don't want to feel like I'm interviewing you and I don't want to feel like you're interviewing me. So if we can just have fluid conversation and the conversation can flow to me, that's one big telltale sign that, "Okay. We're going to flow after this and get along after this."

Faitth Brooks:

But if I feel like I'm having to interview, if the conversation's kind of dry, if we're having these really awkward silent moments, if they're asking me questions that feel a little bit invasive a little bit like, "Okay, you've seen and experienced me online, but you're asking me things that feel a little bit soon about my personal life or relationship," then that gives me pause because I don't know you yet to that extent. So why do you need to know? And why are you asking me these questions?

Faitth Brooks:

And so that's where I have caution and pause because you can't just open up about your life to just anyone. And if in our first interaction you're trying to be like, "Okay. So tell me this, tell me that, tell me what's your darkest secret?" You know what I mean? I'm like, "That's weird, bro. I don't even know you." So, oh, I don't like that. I do not like that. And I'm going to say something and people are probably going to side by me, but one line I absolutely dislike. It doesn't mean I dislike the person who says it. I dislike this line. "So tell me your story."

Amena Brown:

Oh, no. I hate to hear that. I hate to hear that.

Faitth Brooks:

I just don't like it.

Amena Brown:

Nope.

Faitth Brooks:

I don't like it. I feel like everybody has a long and complex life that has led them up to the point that they're at. And it feels like too much work for me to try to rack my brain on how to give you a condensed version of who I am and how I became the person that I have become thus far. I would rather organic, genuine questions that are appropriate for this setting and where we are in our conversation for me to answer. And then we can interact and vibe from there.

Faitth Brooks:

I feel like to me, there's stages of questions. There's a basic one. Where are you from, the work you do? People might ask about your relationship status, which is kind of hairy, but whatever, all that stuff. And then you kind of move into other elements of conversation. Let's say if we meet the second time, we're going to talk about some different stuff. But to come out of the gate and expect that? Wooh, it feels like too much.

Amena Brown:

I'd be tired. I'd be tired. As soon as you said, what's your story? I was like, "Oh no, please. Is there a button I can unsubscribe? No, I don't want. I don't want to talk about that. Nope."

Amena Brown:

When you were talking about sort of that difference between how people perceive you online versus the person that you are, that you are not viewing that as like I'm two different people. Here's Faitth on the internet and here's Faitth in real life. For you, that's all one person. But there are times because of the way social media exists, that people, there is sort of a persona that they see of you, a way they perceive you that may make it difficult for them to actually receive the person that you are in your real life when you're not trying to take this particular picture of yourself or when you're not trying to respond to this particular subject matter.

Amena Brown:

And I really identify with that having had a career that was somewhat public in a sense. I feel like what you described of sort of the internet version of you, I feel like a lot of us as performing artists feel that way to a certain extent that people sort of have this like, "Oh, I saw you sing that. I saw you do that poem, that dance," whatever art it is you do.

Amena Brown:

And then there's this sort of perception now that you're not just Amena. If Faitth and I are hanging out, audience ... I was about to say dear reader, but dear listeners. If Faitth and I are hanging out, I can be in my sweatpants talking to Faitth. I can have my face fully made up or no makeup at all. And it just doesn't matter because I know that she is going to receive me for who I am, how I am. There's not any particular way she's expecting me to perform in a sense.

Amena Brown:

And so it has been interesting for me as an artist trying to, I think really trying to navigate those boundaries before social media and then social media added a layer of that, that people saw you live. I'm sure you experienced this part too, having done events and having been speaking and things like this. Right now, people have this like, "Oh, I saw you do that live. Or I heard you speak live. And now because of that, I followed you on the internet."

Amena Brown:

So now I'm just adding layers to my perception of who I think you are, what I think you do or don't need, what I think you do or don't have, all those things. I would get a lot of assumptions from people that I was lonely, that I didn't have community. I would go to events and people would be like, "If you ever need anybody to talk to, I'm just here." And I would be like, "But what are you here for like? You know I got people. I got good people." Just because I'm at this event. And I like to be myself on stage. So I like to share things with you, but I'm not sharing it all with you, number one.

Faitth Brooks:

Right, let's start there.

Amena Brown:

And number two, I have people I cry and snot with them. If things is going on, I have people I can pick up the phone and we had just met. So, that would not be you. Let's just try to, let's back it up, start a little, give ourselves like you said, more basic questions. A favorite color, a favorite carbohydrate one likes to eat, let's start right there. We don't have to jump in, if you ever need someone to talk to. I already have those people.

Amena Brown:

Let's me and you figure this out, where we're going to be. But I think that adds these interesting elements when your work involves sort of having something of a public platform, as well as building community on social media. So, having been on social media as long as you have, and having experienced various sundry platforms and at various parts of your career as your career has grown and blossomed, what boundaries have you found that you've had to draw around social media for? Could be just your own health, could be as you develop relationships there? What are some of those boundaries that you felt have been helpful for you?

Faitth Brooks:

So one boundary that I developed was that I would not share about my dating relationships anymore until I was engaged. And if I did share, I wasn't going to share a picture of the person I was in a relationship with. So, there was this one guy I dated forever ago. We broke up, I posted a picture of him and I didn't even have a lot of followers at the time, but for years people said, "Oh, are you still with that guy?" And I was like, "Ew. No. I've moved on. I deleted all his pictures. Don't y'all know the context clues. He don't, okay?"

Faitth Brooks:

But from that experience, I was like, "You know what? I'm going to keep that part of my life private." And then as my social media grew over time, which it really kind of exploded in 2020, I was like, "Okay, I'm still even more committed to my decision to not post that person." So my husband now, when we started dating, which was the end of 2020, I straight up told him, "I'm not posting you. A part of my career is being on social media. I'm not trying to hide you. I just want privacy." And I'd never regret that. I wanted to have something to myself, and I told him that. This is one thing I do not want to share with everyone.

Faitth Brooks:

And so, personal moments like that I keep them to myself until I'm ready to share them. But did I keep my word when I was engaged and show his face? Yeah. We're about to get married, okay? So, I did show him then, but before then it was just kind of like I'm dating somebody and I'm happy. I'm wishing love and light and bliss for all of my sisters. That's kind of like where my head was at.

Faitth Brooks:

So when it comes to what I want to post and how I post, that's evolved over the years. I spent the last two years heavily focusing on anti-racism content and educating white people. And then I got tired of it, and I was like, "You know what, join me on Patreon. So if you want to get some more of that content, hit me up over there." Because getting harassed on the internet for saying bold things when it comes to addressing race and racism is exhausting. And honestly, it's just not fun.

Faitth Brooks:

And so I just had to make a decision for myself like, what do I want to focus on? And the truth was I wanted to focus on cultivating Black women and cultivating and exploring Black joy. And I wanted, why do we as Black women not see each other happy and love and enjoying our lives and being loved? And so all of that kind of coincided with what was going on in my personal life, dating an amazing man and then getting engaged, and quickly eloping and starting our lives together.

Faitth Brooks:

And so all of those things kind of caused me to lean into my softness more and wanting to talk about that, because we're married now but I'm still learning how to be soft with my husband. I'm still learning how to accept this incredible unconditional love. And it's been a beautiful experience and worth waiting for. But I know so many Black women who feel like that's not in the cards for them. And honestly, I felt like it wasn't the card for me either. I feel like an anomaly, a fluke, like I don't know how I made it through, but hey, I'm glad I made it. But those are things that I want to write about.

Faitth Brooks:

So I try to stay genuine to where I'm at in life and what flows out of me freely. And if anti-racism isn't flowing out of me freely, it's not going to be on my page freely. That's just the truth. I can only speak to what I feel flows out of me openly.

Amena Brown:

Ugh. I love what you said about how you valued your privacy for some areas of life. And that is so real and so wise. And I do think there, I mean I guess always on social media, but I feel like when I was first getting into that sort of Instagram, Twitter era, I do feel like there was sort of this idea that, well, here is the place, you say it here first. If it's raw, if it's whatever it is, you just put it up here first, that way, it's ...

Amena Brown:

And that's true for some people to give that sort of rawness to their platforms. It's a part of their healing journey for some people. I am not a person that heals that way. I have to heal with my close knit people. If I am bringing my rawness into a public space without my close people knowing about it, for me, that would be a not good sign. People who are close to me would be like, "Okay, let me get on Amena's DMs," like everything is not okay.

Amena Brown:

So I know everybody approaches that differently, but I loved that you were able to make that choice for yourself because there are so many things that when you have any element of a public platform, there are so many things that just end up out there kind of feeling like in a way will now that belongs to everyone, or now that belongs in this particular space.

Amena Brown:

My husband and I have been married, it'll be 11 years this year. I don't think I've ever shared publicly all the complete details of how he proposed to me. But I did it on purpose because there's a part of that that I only tell to people in person, not on a recording. If I was just talking to my friends and we're just out somewhere, I would tell them all the details. But there's certain parts of that that if I'm on a podcast recording or whatever, I leave it out.

Amena Brown:

Our wedding video, I don't think I've ever even posted any clips of that online yet. I'm not sure the format it's in that we even know how to get it online. But some of those details, I do treasure having those to myself. And having the choice at some point if I decide I do want to share that, then I can. But having the choice that it's mine and how much of it I want to share or not is up to me. It's not something I have to feel pressured to put out there or not. So, I loved the way you shared that.

Faitth Brooks:

Yeah. Because I also feel like when you do have a platform, you're inviting people into your life and if you have people that are invested and feel close to you and close to your work and they know you, then I also feel like you're putting people in an odd position when you're kind of like opening yourself up to them in a way about what's going on in your life. And then let's say things are awry and they can tell and they're like, "What's going on?" And then you're like, "Well, I don't have to tell you," but you've opened up the door for people to have those wonderings.

Faitth Brooks:

And so I try to the best of my ability not open up doors that I know I want closed. So let me not open up doors of my personal life that I would prefer for you not to be in. So I'm open about sharing how I met my husband and our love story. And I love sharing with people our love story and how everything happened with the matchmaker for us. But I don't go into nitty-gritty details about my relationship with him. I don't go into a bunch of our daily life kind of stuff.

Faitth Brooks:

I show him in video, but I usually ask him for permission. And we talk through those things because he's not big in social media. And so he has his own boundaries, so we're not doing a bunch of video content together all the time. There's just things that I respect about his life, his story, and what he would also prefer. So, I'm not opening up doors for conversation that I just don't want to have to close for people.

Faitth Brooks:

And maybe one day I'll make a mistake and open up a door and have to close it. But I just feel like for me, it'll be like "I shouldn't have said that. Sorry, we're going to backtrack and I can't talk about that anymore." But I do think that it's only fair in some senses to kind of create that boundary, so you don't have to deal with the backlash of your overshare because that can be hard. Oh, I overshared to 30,000 plus people and now I have to try to take it back.

Faitth Brooks:

So I try to really monitor that because I don't want to overshare. And people talk, come on. People talk. So whatever you say, people are going to try to put together context clues and then throw everything together. And so it's just really important if you know an area of your life you want to be private and sacred, just keep it that way.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Make that your choice. That's a proactive thing that you can do in your relationship to social media and the internet. I love that. I want to know, Faitth, do you have any other fun internet friend stories when you think about your time on the web, on social media?

Amena Brown:

I love that you brought up Zynga and MySpace because those of us that are a bit OG in the process, it's like there are so many different iterations of what content you were putting there and how you might connect with people based on the content that you put there. So, do you have any other fun stories you can tell us of times that the internet brought you a connection to someone?

Faitth Brooks:

Yeah. So the funny thing is, is that with every platform, I think of it distinctly different because to me, the people on each platform that I engage with are different as in the types of people. And so I was working this job and at the time we really engaged on Facebook and Facebook groups. And we were touring around and we were going to make a tour stop. And so because of that, I said to this group, "Hey, I'm going to be in town. If you would like to meet up, let me know. I'd love to connect with you." And one person responded and said, "Yeah, I'll be at the event. I'll come to your booth and we can talk."

Faitth Brooks:

So this girl shows up, true to her word, comes to the booth and I was kind of busy. So she ends up helping me. It really kind of started off with me on the inside of the booth, her on outside. So we were just chatting because she kept having to move over when people showed interest in what I was talking about. And then eventually after like an hour, she was behind the booth right with me. So then we just started talking back and forth while she's behind the booth. And then it went from her being behind the booth to, "Hey, let's go sit together. You can come sit with me. Forget your seats."

Faitth Brooks:

So we sat together and then the night ended and I had to pack up and she was like, "Hey, I'm still hanging out and I'm around. I can help you pack up." And I found out that night that everybody else from the tour was flying right back home when I was the only one that had a later flight. And so I was going to be stuck that night by myself and then everybody was going to be gone.

Faitth Brooks:

So she said, "Well, pack up your stuff. I'm actually going over to my aunt and uncle's house tonight. If you want to come over for dinner and you can hang out with us there." And I said, "Why not?"

Faitth Brooks:

So I packed up all the stuff from my booth at the tour, I gave it to everybody. And then they're all looking at me like, "Of course, you're going out with a stranger," because I always met a friend in every city we went to. I told a friend I was going to be there. So, I always had friends coming to different cities. So they were like, "Of course, you're going to go out with a stranger. This is not surprising to us," and have dinner with their family. And I was like, "Yeah, I mean, what could happen?"

Faitth Brooks:

I mean, she seemed nice enough. So I ended up going with her, went to her aunt and uncle's house and she come for this event. So she's also just visiting her aunt and uncle. She doesn't even live in this city. So I ended up going to hanging out with her aunt and uncle. I was staying at an Airbnb, I believe. Maybe it was a hotel, I can't remember. We had a long dinner, laughed. They thought we had been friends forever. Like, no, we just met today.

Faitth Brooks:

And the next morning, she woke up at the crack of dawn, picked me up and took me to the airport. And we are still friends to this day.

Amena Brown:

Oh, my gosh.

Faitth Brooks:

... on the internet.

Amena Brown:

How fun? What a fun story. Oh my gosh. Faitth, I love that story. I mean, I think it's interesting to me, Faitth, because, and I'm also going to have my sister on as one of my guests for this internet friend story because my sister and I are almost 11 years apart. So when my sister got on Twitter, she would meet her Twitter friends in person all the time. And when she first started doing that, my mom and I were freaked out, like stranger danger.

Amena Brown:

You know how like there was a time where people sort of felt like, "Oh, I don't want to share that I met this person I'm dating online," because people had all that like, "Oh no, you met online," like there was some sort of shame.

Faitth Brooks:

Yeah. They would want to say they met through a friend.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. And so I feel like sort of at that era of time, there was this different idea of how much in danger you could be. And then it does seem like over time, online dating still has dangers and we'll talk about that on another episode.

Faitth Brooks:

Yes, it does.

Amena Brown:

But regarding meeting friends that you've met on the internet, it seems like for a lot of people and I feel this way for a lot of my millennial friends as well, feel like there was just a period of time where that stopped feeling like this dangerous thing. It felt like, "Hey, that's a thing I can try." Do you remember in your early times of meeting friends online where your parents, or I know you have an older brother, where they ever like, "Where are you going and who are you going to be with? What is going on?" Were they ever like that?

Faitth Brooks:

Oh yeah, of course they were. I think the reason why I had less kind of like ... I was more just like go with the flow with it, less inhibition, was just because I was a social worker. That's what I got my bachelor's and master's degree in. And I was doing case management right out of college. So, this whole fear of going to meet strangers and see strangers, you had to be rid of it really quick, because you were going to strangers' houses all of the time. Every new home you got was a stranger. And so you had to go to their house. So because of that, I was not nervous about meeting new people that I didn't know, because I was so used to meeting strangers.

Faitth Brooks:

Now, I will say that there's a part of me though that needed to have more caution because I got into some sticky situations when it came to online dating, because sometimes I just didn't have that same stranger danger. And so I think it's one of those things where you always have to tell people where you are. I did that even when I'm just meeting a girlfriend or a girl that I've kind of been able to connect with. I always, somebody always knows where I'm at or has my location. And I'm always communicating about who I'm with, what their name is, et cetera.

Faitth Brooks:

So, practicing some of those things are really important habits to have. I travel so much. My family just has my location. And I tell them where I'm going because it's really important for somebody to have that knowledge. But I will say for me, I usually just have to rely on my discernment, and sometimes I hit it and sometimes I'd be missing it. You know what I'm saying? We're human. And so it's one of those things where you have to be really wise about these internet friends you're meeting with.

Faitth Brooks:

And I kind of feel like you can kind of feel the vibes from people. You know what I mean? You can kind of feel the vibes from people online. So, if they're kind of sketch and you're kind of having a question like, "They're nice, but," just don't even meet them. Don't even consider it. Just let it go because some people, they're just not worth meeting. Some things are organic and it's great, but there are some people who just don't have good intentions towards you. They can seem like they do and they don't, or people have obsessive and compulsive personalities. Those are all things to look for as you're exploring, having internet friends.

Faitth Brooks:

But would I still meet a stranger to this day that I don't know? Absolutely, I would still.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Especially now you can kind of have some guidepost. I mean, I know the pandemic kind of like messed up some of that because now you're like, "I want to meet you, boss. So what's the COVID protocols?" And you got a lot of other conversations that happen-

Faitth Brooks:

Yeah. I'm asking a lot of some different questions.

Amena Brown:

... come into play than we had pre-pandemic. But I feel like sometimes I would try to also, and I'm sure you did this too, it would give me more comfort if we had mutual connections like I knew other people that either maybe knew that person in real life even though I didn't. And I was just meeting them on the internet. Or sometimes, I have had some people I met in person that we just had a lot of the same online connections. A lot of the people that I followed that I knew online followed them.

Amena Brown:

And so that gave me like, I got to watch them interact with people that I knew, and that gave me some sense of like, "I could go to a public place and have coffee with you." You can't come to my house and I'm not going to your house, but I can go to a public place where there's coffee, ice cream, food to eat, security. I could go there and check the vibes.

Faitth Brooks:

Exactly. Mutual friends is a big key. I've met a lot of people that we had mutual friends. And that always feels way, it just feels much safer. And it feels less daunting when that's the case. So I would definitely say mutual friends feels really easy. So, I'm always open to that.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. Faitth, you gave us so many tips and things to think about. I just want to ask this last question and then I want you to tell the people about this good tea that you have. You have some things coming out. So, I want you to tell the people about these things because sometimes, when it's the tea, it's not really good tea.

Faitth Brooks:

Okay, listen, let's be honest there.

Amena Brown:

But it might be good to me to hear it, but it may not be good for the person whose tea it is. But this time it is. This time, this tea that Faitth has to share is going to be good tea. Are there any other tips you can think of Faitth that you would give for people? I know a lot of people talk about how it is more challenging in this day and age to make new friends, even with social media sort of being this big connector of a lot of us. It can still be hard to do that in our adult lives, when we're out of school.

Amena Brown:

Many of us are working virtually now, working remotely. It can be really challenging to make those new connections. What tips would you give to people that are like, "I want to make some new friends, maybe the internet might be my best place to do that"? What tips would you give people on the best way to sort of begin building some genuine relationships using social media?

Faitth Brooks:

Yeah. So, I think what I would do is if you do have those people you're having organic conversations with in DMs, y'all are laughing, you're cackling, you're like, "Okay, this is cool. We could probably like hang out." If you live nearby, definitely say, "Hey, let's meet up somewhere." That's always the great thing.

Faitth Brooks:

One thing I do too when I move to a new city, sometimes I'll say, "Hey, I'm in the area. Does anybody else live near here?" And I just kind of see who pops up and we talk maybe a little bit and I can see if, okay, yeah, this is a person I'd want to engage with or not.

Faitth Brooks:

The other thing that I would also say is really just being open to unconventional ways of meeting people. Yes, the internet is great but there's also like Meetup.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, that's a good one.

Faitth Brooks:

So if you're in the DMV area, I just want to let y'all know a secret. I never told nobody, but I got a DMV Meetup group. It's called Zen Black Girls. If you're in the DMV, you want to do some things with other Black women, hit me up.

Faitth Brooks:

I just did it because I just knew that I needed an outlet to socialize with more people. And it's hard, and so I didn't feel like cultivating a whole bunch of conversations in my DMs. And so I decided to start a meetup and that's a great place to start. So, check out your city's Meetup. I've gone to a few meetups over the years and I have not regretted it.

Faitth Brooks:

So if you're more introverted or it's nerve-racking to you to talk to people in DMs, then you should definitely look up meetup.com. You can download the app and you can find meetups that fit your interest in your area. I think that's a really great way to start.

Amena Brown:

Ooh, that's a great tip. Always forget about Meetup. That's a good, strong connector right there, y'all. It has so many options and things. Oh, that's so great, Faitth, and so many great tips too. Tell the people this good tea that you have brewed for us today. Faitth has a couple of things that are on the way out. They're on the way out, where you can get access to these things.

Amena Brown:

So, tell us what is happening, Faitth. How can the people, they want to connect more with some of this new work that you're working on? Tell us the vibes.

Faitth Brooks:

So here's what's going on, y'all. Life happened. A lot of good things happened. And so I'm writing some books. So the first book is called The Anti-Racism Journal. It's questions and practices to move you beyond performative allyship. That comes out, June 7th, so you can pre-order it now. Wherever books are sold, all you have to do is look up The Anti-Racism Journal, Faitth Brooks. My name is spell with two T's. It is not a typo. So, you can just put that in there.

Amena Brown:

That's it, that's it.

Faitth Brooks:

The other book, man, y'all I have poured my heart and soul into this book. And Amena has heard many messages of angst and wow, how many times do I have to write and rewrite for this book? But it is called Remember Me Now, A Journey Back to Myself and a Love Letter to Black Women. And that book comes out January of 2023, which I'm super excited about. And honestly, it's for Black women.

Faitth Brooks:

Now, the lighter, brighter white folks, y'all could read it and you should.

Amena Brown:

The lighter, brighter is really-

Faitth Brooks:

But this is for Black women. And I want any and every one to pick it up because oftentimes, we pick up books that are not meant for us and we can read from them and glean things from them. And so I think there's a lot of things that women of color will glean from and see similarities in.

Faitth Brooks:

But I wanted to write something to my sisters because I remember being in bookstores, wishing there were more book written by women that looked like me, that I could resonate with. And I found myself having to read book by white women that I just couldn't fully relate to. But I read them because that's what was available and around en masse, let's say it that way. It was available and around en masse.

Faitth Brooks:

And so when you have to search long, far, and hard for books by people of color, by Black people, people that look like you that you can relate to in life, that's a problem. And so I wanted to be a part of the solution, and so I wrote a book. And I wrote it with my sisters in mind and I cannot wait. I can wait in some senses because it's nerve-racking, but I cannot wait for everybody to get it in their hands and to see how people receive it and how they enjoy the book.

Amena Brown:

Y'all better go to your favorite book selling. Go ahead and pre-order because you know what's good about a pre-order is two things. One, pre-orders help authors. So when you pre-order the book, it helps the author. And number two, you know what? It helps you because now you done pre-ordered it, you don't have to worry about remembering what day was it when Facebook was going to come out because it's going to show up right there at your door. Even if you pre-order the ebook, it's going to show up right there in your ereader as soon as it's out.

Amena Brown:

Sometimes, the people who pre-order, sometimes they get it a little bit early sometimes. Sometimes, y'all get a little early dibs. Sometimes, it shows up before the actual release day. I'm trying to put y'all on this game, okay? So you need to go to there and Faitth, the people are like, I would like to go to a place where I can find more information about Faitth Brooks. Where should the people go?

Faitth Brooks:

You can go to faitthbrooks.com. I'm going to keep it easy for you. All of my links to my social media are there. My handles on social media is FaitthB. Just my name is spelled out Faitth with two T's, the letter B. You are going to find me everywhere. Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, all the places. And every link you could want is on my website. So, I got you.

Amena Brown:

And be there, people. Make sure you do that. Oh my gosh, Faitth, I'm so excited. I'm so glad that we are in real life and internet friends because it has made my life so much better being your friend. And I'm going to tell y'all something that y'all might not know about Faitth. Faitth, be meeting with you in a coffee place somewhere. She'd be on a trip with you somewhere.

Amena Brown:

And she'd be telling you, "In a few years, I'm going to blah, blah, blah, blah," and in a few years she'd do it. Because she said a few years ago to some of us on a trip at an undisclosed location, but the other women listening know they was out on trip too. And she said to us in the back of this van like, it's a book for me. It's a book for me. It's some books for me that are inside of me. I know that's happening.

Amena Brown:

So, to see that coming to fruition now, Faitth, it just makes me like so damn proud to be your friend in real life and on the internet folks, both places. Faitth, thank you so, so much for joining me here in the living room. Y'all, be good friends, whether it's on the internet or in real life. Get you some good friends because they're wonderful. Thanks so much.

Amena Brown:

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening. And don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 71

Amena Brown:

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to this week's episode of HER With Amena Brown. I've just had a lot of like strange schedule things going on, y'all, so I haven't been able to bring guests back into the living room. But it is that time. It is that time today. And I'm very excited about the guests who will be here with us in our living room. Creator and writer of Black Liturgies, a project that integrates spiritual practice with Black emotion, Black literature, and the Black body. New York Times bestselling author of This Here Flesh: Spirituality, Liberation, and the Stories That Make Us. Welcome to the HER living room, Cole Arthur Riley.

Cole Arthur Riley:

Thanks for having me.

Amena Brown:

I know the people are clapping too, Cole. I mean, some of them are driving so they can't. But the other people that aren't driving, they just clap too. I know they did.

Cole Arthur Riley:

Love that.

Amena Brown:

Cole, thank you so much for joining me. Y'all, I am so excited. Cole and I are just like meeting, meeting, like getting a chance to talk in real time for the first time. But I was very honored to be one of the folks who had the opportunity to get an early read on This Here Flesh and had the honor of being one of the folks to get to write some words of endorsement about this book. So New York Times the bestselling author. Cole, how does it feel?

Cole Arthur Riley:

It still feels like a dream, honestly. It's when people like you say it that I'm like, "Oh, that happened. That was real." But yeah, it feels good and scary and. But I'm happy.

Amena Brown:

Oh my gosh. I'm so excited for you and excited for the readers as well. I mean, I know many of us, many of you listening have probably already been enjoying Cole's writing in your essays and articles. And for those of us who are followers of Black Liturgies, we've been enjoying some pieces of the things that you write, but to get a chance to sort of see in this book, there is this sort of fullness that when you have encountered a writer in other short forms of writing, and then you get a chance to read their book. You're sort of getting more of the story of them, the story of their process in more of a fullness, even though I know about book writing, there are many things we have to leave out of that, out of that process, but how exciting.

Amena Brown:

So I have to start with something that's very important, which is snacks. And I'm starting with snacks, Cole, as the question that I want to ask you about, because this is leading into Philly food, and I do need to be honest about that. But I just want to start in general with snacks because when I think about this podcast, I always think about what I do with my girlfriends. And we typically get together in one another's living rooms, and we're always sort of piecing together some type of snacks.

Amena Brown:

If we're having a night that we're like, "I don't want to go out. I don't want to see other people. I don't want to do that restaurant. I just want to come to your house and tell you what's up. I want to cuss, I want to watch TV, whatever it is." And we typically sort of bring our little piece meal snack situations together. So when you get together with your girlfriends, what is your favorite snack to bring?

Cole Arthur Riley:

Okay. In the past two years, this is what I'm bringing, flaming hot Doritos. Not the Cheetos, the Doritos. And if you can find the super flaming hot Doritos, that just hurt on the way down, that's what I'm bringing. So good. Twizzlers usually. And then I know this isn't really like a... People don't consider this like snack food so much, but to me, Craisins taste like candy and I will stick beside them. I love Craisins as a sweet tart addition.

Amena Brown:

I thank you for bringing Craisins into the chat because they are not spoken of enough, in my opinion. I have done my own sort of impromptu trail mix situation in a Craisin's bag just through some peanuts up in there through a almond or two. A sunflower seed shook that up and I'm there already. I don't even have to try to find a trail mix that has the mix of things I like. Craisins are where it's at people. Boy, on a salad, sprinkle some Craisins people. It does the work

Cole Arthur Riley:

It makes everything go down easier, Craisins.

Amena Brown:

I mean, that sweet tart situation, I want to thank you for bringing that to the table. This is my segue. We know from reading This Here Flesh that you have sort of a rootedness there in Pennsylvania and mainly in Pittsburgh. Right? But you do have some roots in Philly as well, right?

Cole Arthur Riley:

Yeah. I lived in Philly for a number of years.

Amena Brown:

I need to talk to you about Philly food for a moment here, because I went to Philly and I am a person who enjoys a city for its food. I am into that and I went to Philly, and I really was there. Maybe this is touristy of me, but I really am there just trying to get this authentic cheese steak. I did that. It was great. But I really need to tell you what really changed my life about Philly is the hoagie. I have a lot of emotional feelings about the hoagies that I have enjoyed there. And there's some kind of a... First of all, I think the bread is not available where I live in Atlanta.

Amena Brown:

People say they're making hoagie's down here. I'm not sure they are because I don't think the bread is right. And then there's some sort of an herb oil. There's something going on with some oil and some vinegar that when I try to buy those ingredients at the store and make a sandwich at my house, it's not doing what the hoagie is doing in Philly.

Amena Brown:

So I would like to hear your thoughts about hoagies. And then I would like to hear, if you could recommend the food people should eat in Philly, what would you say? Please discuss.

Cole Arthur Riley:

Okay. Love a hoagie. I think Pittsburgh and Pennsylvania, we love a hoagie. You order pizza, but you can't order pizza without ordering a hoagie where I'm from. And in Philly, I think it's all in the bread. We're not at New York City level with our breads, but we're trying. I can't remember the place we used to go. I want to say Geno's, but that doesn't sound right. Maybe I'll send it to you after and you can include a hoagie shop in the show notes. I'm a big fan of dim sum.

Amena Brown:

Speak a word about dim sum today.

Cole Arthur Riley:

Love dim sum. I love the community. I mean COVID times have kind of changed things a little bit, but it's this communal feeling you can have a little bit of everything for people who have buyer's remorse or afraid. It's low risk because there's always something else that's being rotated. So love dim sum. There's a place called Dim Sum Garden on Race Street in Philly. Best soup dumplings I've ever had anywhere, including New York City. Don't come for me. Don't come for my neck.

Amena Brown:

Please don't. Please don't.

Cole Arthur Riley:

But best. I went to New York City. I was like, "Oh, I can't wait for these soup dumplings." They were good. But I was fantasizing about Dim Sum Garden on Race Street in Philly. You have to go. The line sometimes is out of control, but bring cash. They don't accept cards. So that's place for dumplings, dim sum.

Cole Arthur Riley:

There's a Pakistani restaurant in West Philly called Wah-Gi-Wah. I've never in my life had Pakistani food, never in my life before moving to Philly. This is the only Pakistani food I've ever had. So if it's not, I mean, the people there are from Pakistan. I assume it's authentic, but it is so good. It's like a different kind of naan. Like the naan they serve, it's slightly different than like an Indian naan, and definitely different than like a roti. But it's so good. They give you like a whole like round. It's like a pizza round of their naan, which is good. I get the chicken tikka masala.

Amena Brown:

Wow.

Cole Arthur Riley:

Those are the two big places that I have during the pandemic. Because I live in upstate New York now in our food scene and Ithaca is just not. It's just not where it needs to be. During the pandemic we can't go anywhere. Our shops are shut down and our restaurants are shut down anyways for dining indoors, takeout. If the food is already subpar, takeout, it's going to be even worse.

Amena Brown:

Struggle.

Cole Arthur Riley:

So we drove three and a half hours to Philly twice in the past two years just to get Dim Sum Garden and Wah-Gi-Wah take out, drive it back home, heat it up and eat it. No lie. That's how good this food is.

Amena Brown:

Yo, I can't knock the hustle. I respect that choice because during the pandemic I have thought several times about the food in Philly and now you've given me additional food to think about. I have a friend in my phone. I text her sometimes just to be like, "Boy, that herb oil situation on those hoagies." And she'll be like, "What? Why is that what I'm getting here? Why are we doing this?" And I'm like, "It's important. I don't know what you want from me. I'm just letting you know. Is there a way you could get a bottle of that and send it to me down here, because it's not computing here."

Amena Brown:

So I thank you for that because I was like, I feel like Cole is going to know the vibes and you did know the vibes. Thank you, Cole for that. I too, Philly, want to take a tour there. I too. It would be a longer drive for me, Cole. But when you said that, I was kind of like-

Cole Arthur Riley:

Hey.

Amena Brown:

... a little bit of consideration. A little bit of consideration. Cole, what is your favorite Black movie?

Cole Arthur Riley:

Oh, Moonlight. It's not even just my favorite Black movie, it's just my favorite movie, Moonlight. I don't know what critique you can give that film, but it's beautiful art. Nuance. I mean talk about nuance. Black characters instead of caricatures. There are some nuance characters in that film that will stay with me until I die. You haven't seen Moonlight. Today is the day. Tonight is the night. Watch it.

Amena Brown:

Y'all have to see it. I remember I watched this before the pandemic, but I watched it at home. I didn't watch it in the theater. And there are some movies that I'm like, "Man, that's a movie you should see in the theater." I'm certain I would've enjoyed Moonlight in the theater, but there was something about being at home, taking in that film, taking in the cinematography. I loved how gorgeous the skin of the characters. There was so many scenes where the light on the skin was just so beautiful. And so many layers to that story.

Amena Brown:

There was some sort of sense of like comfort or the way I took that in at home. But I don't know if I would've taken it in exactly that way the same if I had watched it in a theater. So shout out to that. I recommend, y'all. Tonight is your night. Get involved with Moonlight. It is everything

Cole Arthur Riley:

Beautiful.

Amena Brown:

What is your favorite, it could be a Black girl hairstyle as far as a hairstyle you loved when you were a little girl or it could be currently your favorite Black woman hairstyle that you love to wear.

Cole Arthur Riley:

It's got to be Senegalese twist for me. I mean, I know it might only be a few weeks that they actually stay in, but I just feel regal. I feel so regal when I have twists or braids. I feel more mature. I feel like, I don't know. This seems weird to say, but twists, braids have a way of making me take myself more seriously. I don't know if it's because the women I admired growing up would have their hair and braided styles, but I like the way the twists look, but they just don't last. So I need them to last all the time, but that's my favorite hairstyle when I can get it done. Times being what they are, it's hard to get my hair done the way I want.

Amena Brown:

Right. No, that's a fair point. I feel like the pandemic has sort of... I think it's given me more dreams of styles I wish I could try that I might have access to at the moment. And then there are a few things I've learned how to do better myself because that was the option. What to do at my house. So I learned how to flat twist a lot better. Those flat twists were a struggle before the pandemic, but here we are. I just had time to practice. So I did.

Amena Brown:

Talk to me about your favorite song to get the party started. If you were at a party, what's the song that the DJ plays that you're like, "And now the party has started."

Cole Arthur Riley:

Okay. This is an interesting question for me because I'm not a party person. I mean, someone called me boring. But let me really try to take it back to my college years. Was there something in me? Probably not. I'll tell you like when I'm in the car, what's like some pump up music? So stretch because I only listen to like sad. I'm like only make sad music.

Amena Brown:

I mean, it could be a different type of party Cole. Maybe it's not the type of party that people are raising the roof or whatever. Maybe your party is more of a contemplative nature.

Cole Arthur Riley:

That's true.

Amena Brown:

That's fine.

Cole Arthur Riley:

You know what, that's true. That's my party. We're sitting. It's a candle lit living room. We're putting on Heaux Tales 99% of the time. That's what we're putting on.

Amena Brown:

That's a good choice. Shout out to Jazmine Sullivan. I want to give a big shout out to that. Also, I want to give a shout out to this Grammy that Jazmine Sullivan just won for Heaux Tales. And the way she got-

Cole Arthur Riley:

Fire away.

Amena Brown:

Okay. First of all, finally, thank you, Cole, because, yes. And the way she held this space for Black women when she got up there to make her acceptance speech, I just had to touch my hand to my heart for a few minutes. I was like, "Come on." I was having that moment of like, "Oh Jazmine, I'm looking at you. I'm so happy to see you winning. I'm just happy for you. Congrats to you." And then that she sort of turned that moment back to us and said like, "Black women, this is for you." I was like-

Cole Arthur Riley:

This is ours.

Amena Brown:

... it's also congratulations to me. I love to see that.

Cole Arthur Riley:

Yep, beautiful.

Amena Brown:

Ooh, that's a great one. I do think number one, I do think that gets the party started. And I love envisioning various eccentric types of partying, Cole. It doesn't all have to look the same. And I like that you brought this into the living room. You can have a party to contemplate some things to sit in the room with the people, hold space with them. I get it. I feel it.

Cole Arthur Riley:

Yes, thank you for liberating me into that. That's the kind of party vibe I'm after.

Amena Brown:

I feel it. Okay, now I'm going to ask you this. You're welcome to pass, but if you're willing to share, do you have a favorite cuss word?

Cole Arthur Riley:

I don't have a favorite. The one I probably say the most is probably damn. No, it's probably shit. I probably say shit the most. You can draw it out, "Sheeit."

Amena Brown:

All right, Cole. Yes.

Cole Arthur Riley:

It lends itself to poetry.

Amena Brown:

It is its own answer. It's like somehow someone could be asking a question and she could be the answer. The people who know, know. When they hear that answer they're like, "And I thank you. You have told me everything I need to know." You could be asking that person about a store they went to, about if they know so and so, about if they went to the event that was last week. And if they say, "Sheeit," which typically to me is followed with or proceeded by some sort of mouth noise. It's like... Or sheeit. It's a little mix like that, Cole. What gravity that word has. I like it. That's a good one. That's a good choice. Thank you.

Amena Brown:

I want to talk a little bit about Toni Morrison and the work of Toni Morrison comes up in Black Liturgies. We are also seeing this here in the book. I want to talk about her work and how her work is a spiritual influence with you. Talk to me more about that.

Cole Arthur Riley:

Sure, Toni Morrison. So I first encountered her work in college. I'm trying to figure out a book I'd read by a Black author before college. I'm currently trying to revisit some memories and try to figure out, did I even read Black authors before college? But I encountered her work for the first time in college. I of course knew who she was, but I'd never actually read anything.

Cole Arthur Riley:

And that was around the time that I was first really experiencing Christian spaces for the first time or overtly Christian spaces, and this was the first time I was going to church regularly on my own. It was a very white evangelical space I should say. And to me, everything about college was just new. People in my family didn't go to college and it was just very different from the place I was coming from.

Cole Arthur Riley:

So I kind of just looped everything that happened to me into this one big box of like, "This is the unknown. This is new." So it was very difficult for me to kind of distinguish what I was learning in the classroom from the first time to separate that from what I was experiencing and learning in church for the first time.

Cole Arthur Riley:

I just couldn't compartmentalize those things, like the compartment was college. So I found myself bringing Black. I studied English literature in the end. I found myself bringing Black authors into the pew with me. I mean, thank God I had them to help me interrogate some of the things I was hearing or the kind of binaries that were being presented. I just didn't find those spiritual binaries in Black literature. And I certainly didn't find them in Morrison's work.

Cole Arthur Riley:

To explain that, I think Black literature especially Morrison, there's something about how she was able to articulate the spiritual that wasn't about certainty, and it wasn't about clarity. It was about conveying. Conveying the human experience and including the spiritual in that human experience as opposed to this is what this means and X equals this.

Cole Arthur Riley:

I just love that and gravitated toward that kind of mystery. So Beloved. It's the most terrifying Morrison book, I would say. But it's closest to me and closest to my spiritual formation in Beloved. There's this kind of famous clearing. Toni Morrison gives us the space of the clearing, where if you haven't read it, the matriarch, Baby Suggs, she gathers her people. She sits into the middle of the clearing on this rock and the woman, and the men, and the children, and the people are kind of waiting on the perimeter.

Cole Arthur Riley:

And she says, "Children, let the children come." And she says, "Let your mothers hear you laugh and the kids break out laughing." And then she says, "Men, come. Let your wives and children see you dance." And then the men start dancing. Then she calls the woman to the center and says cry for the living and the dead. Just cry and the woman let loose. She describes the scene where the women start laughing in the end. And the men sit down and start crying, and the children start dancing. And they all get tangled up in each other and then exhausted. They just kind of lay there together. And then she gives her sermon.

Cole Arthur Riley:

Morrison very specifically says she didn't tell them to go and send no more, which is like the typical, maybe white evangelical message, "Go and send it. That's the gospel." She says that she didn't tell them that to call them to awaken to grace. And then she delivers the sermon. That's all about the body. "In this here place, we flesh; flesh that weeps, laughs; flesh that dances on bare feet and grass." Love it.

Cole Arthur Riley:

And it's this message of loving the body, loving the flesh. Anyways, all that to say, that moment of the clearing, it's intergenerational. It's storied. It's emotional. It's not a practice of the mind. It's emotional. It's embodied. And whenever I think about what I want my spirituality to be, that's where I go. That's the kind of spirituality I want to possess.

Amena Brown:

So was Beloved your gateway into Toni Morrison's work? Was that the first book of hers that you remember encountering?

Cole Arthur Riley:

Yes, it was. That was the first. Yeah, she didn't scare me away. But I mean that was the first. And it's hard. It's hard to wait. There's a real disorientation in the beginning of a lot of her work and a lot of in a similar way to Octavia Butler. There's this beginning that is just so disorienting that you're trying to figure out what's up, what's down? Who's this? Who's that? You have the matriarch being called Baby, Baby Suggs. There's so much... And you could talk for ages about that, the beauty in that, but there's something about the beginning of Beloved, that's just the slow connections.

Cole Arthur Riley:

She's not quick to resolve and I think people like things that resolve. People want things to resolve, and Morrison is really disinterested in that, which challenged me.

Amena Brown:

Still. I mean, I love the idea that you were carrying some of this work into a church setting. I just love that because so many of Toni Morrison's books feel so much like a spiritual text. I think that's such a powerful thing to think about. I'm like, "Let me see what Toni Morrison books I have downstairs. Next time I go up in the church, let me grab one of those." And they'll be like, somebody be sitting next to me like, "What is this? This is not... I'm gonna turn to a page and [inaudible 00:24:05]."

Cole Arthur Riley:

We're not the same.

Amena Brown:

It's not the same. And I'm gonna be like, "You mind your business and let me do what I'm doing over here." I think my initial gateway into Toni's work was Tar Baby. My mom had that book for some reason in her library. And I remember taking it out and opening up the first couple of pages. I was young enough to know that I was reading something amazing and I did not understand a word. Which I was like, "This is amazing. What is she talking about?" I don't know. And then I think I tried Beloved at 12 and it was all manner of confusions. It was all manner of, "Who's alive and who died? And who died, but is still alive?"

Cole Arthur Riley:

Is that a real ghost?

Amena Brown:

I mean, now, Cole, which is something that I really loved about This Here Flesh. I loved this about your book. It had this sense of feeling so grounded, so rooted. Rooted in people, in place. I loved that. And I loved that there was this way, you left a lot of space out there for us as the reader. You left a lot of space for us to not come into the text of your book and feel like you were there to give us answers.

Amena Brown:

You were there to be this... In some ways you sometimes felt like you were author, but also observing. And that you were sort of encouraging us as the reader. We step back and sort of, we look, we see, we think about what we perceive, right? And then there were times you're sort of inviting us into stories that happened to you or happened to members of your family.

Amena Brown:

And then there were times in that. You were sort of there at the center of the story, because it is happening to you or at the stories being told to you know. I loved that sort of breathing room that you left in there. And I think that is something as a writer, I always admired about authors like Toni Morrison that it was not to write a story to say, "And here we derive an answer." That was never the point that it was to say, "And here we are being. We're present in a space. We'll laugh, we'll cry. We will wonder the page may end and we still don't know what happened to so-and-so." And maybe you need to think about that reader. I really, really loved that. Do you have a favorite of Toni Morrison's work that you love or is Beloved that favorite for you?

Cole Arthur Riley:

Beloved is definitely that favorite. I mean, it's traumatizing. Trauma on those pages. But there's so much beauty, and I just think it's so complicated. Maybe for similar reasons as why I love Moonlight. It's like it's such a complicated story where a person's motives are never completely clear. No one is completely good. No one is completely evil. I mean, you see that in a lot of her work, but Beloved is definitely, definitely my favorite.

Amena Brown:

I was thinking when you were talking about that clearing scene, I was like, "What if Toni Morrison's work makes me feel that feeling?" I think for me, it's the character of Pilate in Song of Solomon. I have actually mentioned this to a couple of friends to say as I think about my Black woman spirituality at this season of my life, I sort of imagine myself in certain ways how Pilate appears in that story. For those of you that haven't read it. I mean, everything that Toni Morrison writes, just go, just go read it.

Amena Brown:

But in Song of Solomon, if I'm remembering right, I would love to reread this again now. I also sort of entered Toni Morrison's work really in college. I had those initial encounters when I was younger. But when you're in college, you're now getting to read these texts and sort of pull certain things out of that and think about the themes. And you have other historical texts that may be sitting around that or other fictional texts sitting around that, which is something that I don't want to go back to some of how college was.

Amena Brown:

But that part I did love. I'm like, "I wouldn't want to write all the essays again. Maybe not that part." But the part where the books got to be in conversation with each other, I really loved that. And there was this sense in Song of Solomon that Pilate and her daughters who are technically aunt and cousin to these other male characters that we are hearing about, that they're sort of existing on the periphery of what is considered acceptable in the society of their town.

Amena Brown:

They, to me, seemed like these Black women with hairy legs and who will not shave an under arm, and who will dress however, they will dress. And it doesn't matter. Whatever is in fashion in the department store down there, we are here growing cabbage and growing collars outside of our house vibes. And I was like, "The older I get, the more and more I feel a little like that." I feel a little like I'm starting to... But I guess in a way, Cole, spiritually sort of looking at some of these characters in the same way that you were talking about this character in Beloved, there's something about Pilate being this Black woman with no belly button. Ugh, Toni Morrison. And we have this question of-

Cole Arthur Riley:

I remember that.

Amena Brown:

... does she birth herself? Is that why she has no belly button? And we're not given any explanation as to why. It is not really addressed pretty much at any point later in the book. There's a lot of other things going on, but I just gravitated to her and just thought spiritually, what does that mean? What does it mean? What are the ways a Black woman gives birth to herself? What does that look like?

Cole Arthur Riley:

Wow.

Amena Brown:

That a writer could make you contemplate those things. It's amazing. When I was just reading you writing about Beloved in This Here Flesh, and even some of that terminology of This Here Flesh sort of coming back to us from Toni Morrison, I just thought I resonate with that Cole. I resonate with how to me your book and what you were talking about there in Beloved are in conversation. Did you feel that way too?

Cole Arthur Riley:

Yes. I mean, I was hoping. It's a tall order. It's hard to approach her work because for so many of us she's just hero. But I knew if I'm going to write a book that contains Christianity, I need to really be faithful to the way Black literature has spiritually formed me. I wanted to be faithful to the entirety of my spiritual formation, which exists in and outside of a Christian tradition. It included Black literature. It included my family who aren't overtly religious.

Cole Arthur Riley:

So I needed to pull in things like storytelling and things like myth even so that it felt true. My dad, he's such a big part of the book. He wouldn't say he's a Christian. So how could I write a book that contains so many of his stories and these sacred artifacts and have the book contained by Christianity alone. It just didn't feel right. I needed to incorporate these other things. And in that way, I was able to approach people like Morrison and really figure out, "Man, what did this do to me? How is this a sacred text to me?"

Cole Arthur Riley:

Who are people in my life who are going to be terrified to hear that this is a sacred text to me? Do I care? Do I want them in the writing room with me? So yeah, it brought up a lot of good questions.

Amena Brown:

I love that. I want to ask also... I guess I have a question that sort of comes with a comment or a reflection on something I also loved about the way you chose to approach spirituality and spiritual practice in this book. I really loved that. It seemed like there was this space for the reader like, "If you're here, reader, and Christian tradition is what you ascribe to, you're welcome. If you're here, reader, and you don't ascribe to that at all, you're welcome. If you're here, reader, and you used to ascribe to that, and now you've got lots of questions and tensions here, you're welcome to.

Amena Brown:

And I think that's a wonderful gift in a book that wants to bring sort of questions and beauty and tensions of spirituality to the table to be that welcoming that in a text people would feel like they can come to the page there wherever they are. Was that something that as you were writing felt intentional on your part? Or did you feel as you were bringing your family stories, your own stories of formation that, that was just a present theme for you as well?

Cole Arthur Riley:

It was intentional because I've read books by authors who are Christian, not kind of are trying very hard to teach you what to think and what to believe. I think maybe if Christianity didn't have the history that it did, that would feel less problematic. But because it's been so perverted in and through white supremacy, I had to. I really wanted to push myself to be honest about all of my uncertainties.

Cole Arthur Riley:

The thing about how whiteness moves in spiritual spaces, specifically in Christianity is that supremacy that it craves in terms of politics, in terms of socioeconomic power, it also craves in terms of religion. It doesn't just want to have a spirituality. Spirituality needs to be Supreme. It needs to be the best thing. It needs to be the right thing.

Cole Arthur Riley:

And so, so much of Christian formation in certain spaces is about convincing you that you are right. This is right and yes, these other things aren't right. I think that's completely a symptom of White Supremacy and mostly that. I just resist that. I reject that. I don't want that to be my spiritual formation. That's hard conditioning that a lot of us have endured that your spiritual belief system has to be above in order for it to matter, in order for it to be meaningful.

Cole Arthur Riley:

I've always been a skeptic. The thing that my family says about me is they'll say, "Nicole was born a skeptic. You came out a skeptic." From the time I was a child, and I've always been a very uncertain person, a very like, "Maybe it's this. Maybe it's that." And to be honest about that and writing this first book was really important because ultimately I'm going to have to answer to myself, my 50-year-old self, my 60-year-old self.

Cole Arthur Riley:

I want to be able to look back and say, "I told the truth." I probably said some things that were wrong. I probably said things that I won't believe anymore by the time I'm 60. But did I tell the truth? And that became the lens through which I wrote like, "Are you telling the truth about you with the information that you have and the experiences that you've had to this point?"

Cole Arthur Riley:

And as long as I did that, I had that kind of fidelity to self. I feel like I was able to write very compassionately toward readers who really don't know what they think, who really don't know what they believe, but they've been trained to think that they're supposed to know all of these things with certainty.

Amena Brown:

Do you have a favorite spiritual practice right now or in this season of your life?

Cole Arthur Riley:

Yes. I have complicated feelings about this spiritual practice. I've criticized it actually. It's silence. I think there are a lot of valid critiques that I share about silence as a spiritual practice, especially for those of us who have been silenced by the societies that were being brought up in my whiteness.

Cole Arthur Riley:

So I have a complicated relationship with silence because I was not a very verbal child. I talk about that in the book some. I had something called selective mutism, which is a childhood anxiety disorder essentially, which makes it very difficult to speak around strangers.

Cole Arthur Riley:

So I've always had a very tricky relationship with silence. It always felt like something I needed to overcome and conquer, but in this season it's been really healing for me to try to find some good. Was there something special in those moments of silence that I shared with myself as a little girl? Maybe there was something that was all about insecurity and anxiety, but also was there something else there, something I was listening to in myself that a way that I became nearer to myself? So anyways, I've been trying to practice a redemptive silence and it feels really empowering.

Amena Brown:

I love that. I love adding the word, redemptive to that, redemptive silence, which is sort of a finding sometimes a fresh way or a different way, and maybe a different way than maybe what we were taught of how we use silence or how we're supposed to embrace that or not. All the things. I love the idea that even finding new or different ways to do that can be redemptive.

Amena Brown:

I want to read a quote from your book. You wrote, "Joy, which once felt as frivolous as love to me has become a central virtue in my spirituality. I am convinced that if we are to survive the weight of justice and liberation, we must become people capable of delight and people who have been delighted in." I love that. What's bringing you joy right now?

Cole Arthur Riley:

Well, reading usually brings me joy, but specifically I'm reading two books. I'm reading Pleasure Activism and I'm reading Black Joy by Tracey Michae'l Lewis-Giggetts. There's an M in there, I think. I'm reading Black Joy. Anyway, it's a bright yellow book read in Black lettering. Everyone should go out and buy it at a local bookstore. I mean, that book in particular, both of those books in different ways are bringing me joy because they're really giving me permission to experience joy in the ways that feel right to me as opposed to mimicking the joy around me.

Cole Arthur Riley:

And I think just like many emotions, although I think joy is something bigger than an emotion, but I think like many other emotions in my life, I can tend to mirror them in other people as opposed to actually having them originate in me and emanate out. Instead it's like they come to me and they rest on my skin. But they don't ever really get in.

Cole Arthur Riley:

I think that's what Joy's been for so long. And both of those books is just telling me it's okay. What does this look like for you? And for me, it might not look like my sister, who's very, very verbal and very charismatic and just so fun. And for me, it looks like more peace. It looks like sitting and staring at something beautiful and trying to find some sense of peace and trying to be honest about the things that I delight in as opposed to hiding from them.

Amena Brown:

I also want to ask you this question related to joy as well. As people read This Here Flesh, what do you hope they understand about the connection between joy and liberation?

Cole Arthur Riley:

I hope that they would understand that the journey toward liberation and deeper liberation, it doesn't need... Your liberation isn't bigger. It's not deeper, the deeper your trauma is or something like that, which I think we never articulate that necessarily. But I think that those are the stories we're given. The ending is better because of the depth of the pain.

Cole Arthur Riley:

I used to think that. Sadly, I don't think that anymore. I think we will not get there. I don't think we'll get there. I'm not talking about liberation as linear. I mean, I won't get there on a day to day basis. I can't approach it if I don't have some kind of habits and systems set up in my life that will keep me from despair.

Cole Arthur Riley:

Because I think liberation demands that we become very honest about the pain and about the terrors, it demands kind of an unflinching awareness of all those things. If you're really telling the truth, if you're really paying attention to the pain, I find it very difficult to believe that you can approach liberation without first becoming succumb by despair.

Cole Arthur Riley:

I think joy keeps us from that. I think we're seeing this explosion in the past few years of literature, of art, of content, if you want to call it that online, that is kind of just pulling. You see something different that's pulling on Black people in the wake of the summer of 2020, for example, and what was pulling at other people.

Cole Arthur Riley:

There was this sinister kind of hunger for pain awaken in some people. But then I saw my Black friends. There was this appetite for joy. And people didn't understand it. They didn't know what to do with the memes and the videos, and like, "How could you do this now?" And it's like, "Well, you don't know. This is how we've survived and we have inherited this. We have inherited this very rich system of joy as a means, not for just survival, but also thriving and flourishing. Anyways, that was a bit of a rant, but-

Amena Brown:

I love a good rant.

Cole Arthur Riley:

... as someone who's demeaned joy for so long, I feel like I'm speaking to myself.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. I love a good rant, Cole. So anytime you have a rant, I'm always here for that. I keep a little rant in my pocket just because you never know when you need one. Just need a little rant sometimes. That's all Cole, how can the people stay connected to you and your New York Times best selling book and your work? Tell me where the people should go.

Cole Arthur Riley:

This Here Flesh, it's available anywhere books are sold, but preferably a local Black owned bookstore. You could buy it there. That just does extra work really. And then you can find me at colearthurriley.com and there will lead you to any social media that you have, that you want to follow. But you can also sign up for my newsletter where I'll share if I have articles published places.

Amena Brown:

Go to there, people. Go to there and do those things. Cole, what an honor to get to speak with you today. It's been so great.

Cole Arthur Riley:

My honor.

Amena Brown:

I'm so excited. I'm so excited, so thank you for being here with us in the HER living room. I cannot handle the spice of those flaming hot Doritos, but I would be with you while you had some, while we're here in the living room.

Cole Arthur Riley:

Solidarity.

Amena Brown:

Yes, I would do that. I would be here with you. So thank you so much for joining.

Amena Brown:

HER With Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening. And don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 70

Amena Brown:

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another new episode of HER with Amena Brown. I'm really excited about this episode because, y'all have to tell me as the listeners how you feel about Q and A episodes, but I love a good Q and A. I love a good Q and A, even when I used to do workshops and stuff like that. I've done a couple of conferences in the past where I had a performance slot, and then during the part where people would go to breakout sessions or whatever, during that part, I would just have a session where it was just open Q and A for people. And I'm sure that format probably makes some people feel really, really nervous, about the idea that people are just going to be throwing questions at you and you don't know what they're going to ask, but I loved that format.

Amena Brown:

I thought I had not done an Ask Amena Anything episode in a while and I thought I would do that. So, I want to say a big shout-out to all of you on Instagram and Twitter that submitted your questions. Let's get into it. Nish asked a very important question. Nish asked, "If you can pick one Beyonce song and one Beyonce song only, you're listening to it for the rest of your life, what song is it? Oh, Nish. I mean, I'm not going to lie about it. I think it's Formation for me. There's just something about the soul of that song. You know how there are certain songs that become hits and then over time they kind of become oversaturated to you and then you have to go a long period of time without listening to them? I would say, of Beyonce's hits, Single Ladies probably falls in that category. Right?

Amena Brown:

Or, Alicia Keys... Alicia Keys has quite a few songs that are like, that they sort of got played so much on the radio and so many commercials and so many things. And then I just get like, "Oh, I'm so tired," but then years later, when I haven't listened to that song in so long, I go back to it and I'm like, "Oh my gosh, I love that song." Formation is not like that. Formation is not like that. It was obviously being played a whole lot around the time that Lemonade was coming out, and then we are hearing it again when Beyonce released the Netflix film and album for Homecoming. But I have to say, Formation still just the same way I felt the first time I was watching that music video before Beyonce performed at the Super Bowl. I still feel the same way about that song.

Amena Brown:

It's this call out there to Black women. And there's so many things about the way the song was written. Big Freedia right at the beginning there of that song. Ugh, it's so Southern, it's so New Orleans, Houston, all these things mixed together that I really, really love. And quiet as it's kept, I'm a person who loves to put together a playlist. And I have playlist for all manner of occasions. I feel like I've talked about this in a few episodes. And one of my most recent playlists that I created was a Get On Up playlist. Something that I can play in the morning to get me going. And that type of playlist is great for a song like Formation. I also have a playlist called Woman Shit, and that song is definitely on my Woman Shit playlist. It's just a playlist of all these songs that make me feel empowered and beautiful, that remind me of my confidence. So yeah, I'm pretty sure it's Formation for me. Thank you, Nish. That was a great question.

Amena Brown:

Katie asked, "If you had to eat only one flavor or type of donut for the rest of your life, what would you choose?" Ooh, this "Pick one" is really hard for a girl. It's really hard. Okay. I feel like if I'm telling the truth truth, my favorite flavor of donut, which Dunkin' Donuts was my original gateway into this donut, is the eclair. I feel like that would be my top pick probably to eat for the rest of my life. However, a girl gets into her thirties and discovers that she has sensitivities to dairy. A girl has to choose her doughnuts wisely. So, probably my second and better for my tummy choice would be any type of a lemon diet, almost like a lemon donut situation.

Amena Brown:

If I could have the spectrum of lemon donuts, because there's the lemon donut where it's sort of powdered sugar or cinnamon, not cinnamon but kind of sugary on the outside and then it has the lemon curd inside. And then, there's more of a lemon poppy seed, which is more your traditional yeast donut, but then it has the lemon frosting or icing glaze on top. So, anything lemon is probably better for me to be in that zone for the rest of my life. But if I'm being honest with y'all, if my tummy could handle it, it would be something between an eclair and a Boston cream pie donut. It'd be up in there somewhere. Thank you, Katie. That's a great question.

Amena Brown:

Sharifa has a few questions and they're all great, so I'm very excited to answer them. Sharifa asked, "What are your creative catalysts compelling you to write?" That's a really interesting question. I feel like the first term that's coming to my mind, Sharifa, is my ancestors. And I think sometimes we hear that and it can sound really generic. And then, depending on what your own spiritual traditions are, it may sound strange to you or not. Or if it's something that you're very, very familiar with, it may sound like home to you. But, I do feel like there is something in the women in my family that came before me that I do feel there are times that they compel me to write. And I do not know how to really better explain that, but I feel that feeling.

Amena Brown:

It's interesting because this week, my husband and I went to Janelle Monae's book tour event here in Atlanta for her book, The Memory Librarian. It was interesting, you're watching her in conversation with these two amazing Black folks, Eve Ewing and, I don't know the name of the person that was facilitating, but it was glorious. Glorious. And one of the questions that the facilitator was asking was wanting to know from Janelle and Eve, who collaborated on one of the stories in The Memory Librarian, which is a sci-fi book, I believe it's a sci-fi book of different short stories, and Janelle is collaborating with other writers and amazing creatives. The facilitator asked them, "With the consent of this person, if you could get someone else's memories and be able to study them, study their life even more in depth, who would you pick?"

Amena Brown:

I was thinking about my answer to that question. The first thought that came to my mind was I would want my great-grandmother, her mother, and her mother. Because, there are times, especially when I'm writing or when I'm about to go on stage, that I sense the presence of my great-grandmother, but I sense that there are other women with her and that they know me but I didn't get a chance to meet them. And that somehow their strength, their wisdom, their curiosities about life are also present to me. I do feel that they are a part of this creative catalyst that compels me to write. I think sometimes it's nosiness that compels me to write. I'm just curious about other people's business. And so, sometimes I can reimagine what their business might be when I'm working on a poem or working on a story or something like that.

Amena Brown:

I think music is a big creative catalyst for me, especially when I'm getting a chance to hear music live, but I would also say there are just certain albums, certain artists, that really get me to thinking and brooding. Brooding is a big part of creative catalysts that compel me to write. Just really thinking about life, thinking about conversations, thinking about our relationships to each other as humans. I'm a person who loves to brood. I like getting to have those types of conversations with people where you're just talking about life, talking about things you wonder about, things you don't have an answer about, things that are a mystery to you, things you're really trying to figure out, even if you know in your whole life you can never figure them out. I think all those things are the catalysts that sort of lead me to the page.

Amena Brown:

Sharifa also asked, "Do folks still ask you and your husband if you'd like separate checks at restaurants because they ask me?" And the answer is yes, Sharifa, they do. We do still get that. And for those of you who may be new to the podcast or new to me, I am in an interracial relationship. My husband is White, and Sharifa and I are also friends in real life so I know that her husband is White as well, and she's a Black woman like I'm a Black woman. It is fascinating the amount of times that people go through a lot of mental gymnastics they're doing to not think that this is your spouse or your partner because you don't "look alike" or don't look to them like you should be together.

Amena Brown:

This doesn't happen as much anymore, this example I'm about to give, the restaurant thing totally happens still. But, this example I'm about to give doesn't happen as much anymore because I'm just not performing in churches. I haven't been for a while, even prior to the pandemic. I was just slowing up on that, and then the pandemic was sort of a great way to be like, "Well, now that's done." But when I used to perform poetry in churches a lot, and most of my career I performed in predominantly White churches and predominantly White Christian spaces, and it was hilarious to me how many times my husband and I would show up to these churches because he traveled with me a lot, and they would assume he was my manager.

Amena Brown:

I've even had it happen at a couple of White churches where there was a janitor there or there was some other Black men there in the room that they weren't maybe familiar with. This happened probably more so at a conference where they're not in the church space but maybe they're in a venue and there may a Black man who's working at the venue. I remember a specific time that it was a Black man who was working as a janitor. My husband and I walk in, about to do sound check, and they look at both of us standing next to each other and they point to the random Black man, who's just doing his job, and they'll say, "Oh, we just saw your husband." And I'll be like, "Oh, I don't know him. I don't know him. I think he lives in the city here where y'all live and I travel here with my husband." So yes, that's always an interesting moment, Sharifa. You are not alone in that.

Amena Brown:

Sharifa also asked, "How often do you trim your ends?" And she said, "I'm so bad at this." Okay, so I need to confess right here. How I approach my hair care is a thing that I feel I was taught implicitly by my mother. I grew up in the house... For most of my time growing up, it was for a while just my mom and I, and then it was my mom, my sister, and I, and then right as I was about to leave high school, my grandmother moved in with us. I've had just mostly femme, woman experience growing up. Most of my influential figures were women, and not just women but Black women. My mom's rules about hair, what I learned from her implicitly is my mom was basically like, "If your hair needs to be shampooed, conditioned, styled," my mom was like, "I can do that. But if your hair needs cutting, if it needs color, if it needs chemicals, we don't do that at home."

Amena Brown:

I can count on one hand, possibly one or two fingers, the amount of time I gave my sister a perm at home. My mom was big on, "There are professionals who do this and we're going to let them this so that your hair doesn't fall out, so we don't do anything wrong to it." And I really adopted that practice for the most part. Before I went natural when I was wearing my hair relaxed, I was really good. I can shampoo, I could condition, I could style my hair. I could curl it. I could blow dry it. I could do all those things at home. But if it came to cutting, I was going to a professional because I don't trust myself. Even when the pandemic started, my current hair stylist, who styles only natural hair, my current hair stylist, I asked her to do a consultation with me since we were locked down and I could not get to her for her to actually style my hair.

Amena Brown:

It was a wonderful consultation. She talked me through what I should be doing in addition to my basic kind of shampoo, deep condition, leaving conditioner, whatever my routine was. I told her what I'd been doing. There's a few things I'd been doing that she told me not to do anymore. And then, she told me like, "You need to have some times that you do some deep conditioning. You need to have some times that you do some protein treatments on your hair." She walked me through all these things, many things that she would do when I would see her, but things that would help my hair to remain healthy until I could see her. And then, right at the end of the consultation, she was like, "Oh, you should go and order some shears and you can just dust your ends until I see you." And I knew as soon as she said it that I was not going to do it.

Amena Brown:

I just don't have whatever that sort of visual gene is. I don't have that. I don't have that. I can't draw. I can't paint. I'm not good at interior design. I am not great at fashion. I don't have visual giftings in any way, so I do not trust myself to trim my own ends so I don't do that. But, I go see my hair stylist about every eight to 10 weeks and I let her trim it. I'm going to tell you and for anyone listening that is Black and has natural hair, and even for some of you that may not be Black but you may have really, really tight curly hair, it's really hard when it's time to get a trim.

Amena Brown:

But, I can say from my experience as a Black woman with natural hair, it is really hard when it's time to trim because every time your hair grows, it feels so like hard one. You feel like you have worked so hard to get that half inch or that inch of growth that you have. And you don't want to be told by a professional that what you are thinking is your hair growing, now they have to cut that half inch off of there because it's time for them to trim your ends. So, among my Black women community, I do have many friends who are natural that avoid trims for that reason. They only get their hair trimmed twice a year because they really don't want to deal with losing the length of their hair that they love.

Amena Brown:

But, I have gone through some changes with my hair. I entered being natural with getting my hair colored. My initial hair stylist that was with me when I did the big chop and she's the one who cut off the last little bits of my relaxed hair on the ends, she dyed my hair that first time. So, for most of my time being natural, I've always been in and out of hair color. And sometimes, my hair was healthier doing that than other times. So, now I'm really about doing everything thing I can to keep my hair healthy and I have a hair stylist that's very focused on that. I think it's easier for me to go in and know that every eight to 10 weeks I'm going to get it trimmed. Then, actually, I would have to say doing that more often is helping my hair grow.

Amena Brown:

I'm probably have the longest hair that I've ever had I venture to say in my entire life right now, because I am trimming more often. And if you have access to a professional, especially a professional that specializes in natural hair on Black women, I think that is a good thing. When you have access to that, when you can treat yourself to that, I think you should. But, some of you listening that are Black women with natural hair or Black folks with natural hair, some of you listening are really good at dusting your own ends and trimming your own ends. And if that's you, if that's you, then yes, I think you should probably try to trim your ends every two to three months. Try that. That really helps your hair to grow.

Amena Brown:

And I do think even if you're very good at caring for your hair, maybe if you're great at doing your color and you're cut and everything yourself, I think it's good if you can to have some times that you go into a professional. Let them sort of assess how your hair is doing. They can even, while they're doing your hair appointment, give you some consultation on what you can do for your hair to make your hair healthier even in the process. Shout-out to that, Sharifa. I apparently had a lot to say about trimming ends, didn't I?

Amena Brown:

Okay. Sharifa also asked, "What is the one carb you cannot do without?" That's a tough one, girl. One carb? I'm going to tell you what I mean when I say carb. This is not a scientific definition because I know that technically like fruit, there are some fruits that are also carbohydrates. There are some vegetables that are also carbs. I really technically mean flour-based carbs. I'm not even about rice when I say this. I mean flour-based carbohydrates. That really for me falls in the pasta, cobbler, cake, brownies. I mean, a lot of it is sweet stuff, but it could be a Shepherd's pie. It could be a pot pie. It could all the different, various pasta dishes that we love. Okay, so just so y'all know what I mean when I say a carb.

Amena Brown:

I guess the one carb I could not do without, I feel like it would probably have to be just in general desserts. Because, I was trying to think to myself, "Is it dessert or pasta?" And I feel like if something happened and my doctor was like, "You are allergic to pasta, you can still eat dessert, but you're allergic to pasta," or if my doctor said, "You're allergic to dessert, but you can still eat pasta," I feel like I would be most disappointed about the desserts. So, overall, it's the dessert for me. It's the dessert for me. That's the carb that I need.

Amena Brown:

I think I could have zucchini noodles and just be like, "Yo, that's going to be my pasta, but that ain't going to replace a good creme brulee." It's going to be hard to... You can't be like, "Here with this banana, I will make a creme brulee." That's not going to do. "Here with this carob bean, I will make a chocolate cake." You won't do that. The chocolate cake is delicious, flour is delicious, and I'm not going to stop eating it. That's my decision. But yes, the one carb category for me would be dessert.

Amena Brown:

Natalie asked, "How do you rehearse for your poetry, and do you get nervous?" I feel like there's two different categories of how I would rehearse. And I think the one category is how I would rehearse poems that I know already and how I would rehearse when I'm working on a new poem. When I'm rehearsing poems I know already, a part of it is sort of this, I'm not in any way saying that performing poetry is athletics. But, I think because I participated as an athlete when I was in high school, I think some of the routine of what you are doing to sort of tune your body back into your sport, I think I kept some of that type of routine as it relates to my poems. So, some of it for me is about warming up my voice and getting my voice opened up, ready to project.

Amena Brown:

A lot of that is about hydration. I can't practice my poems or practice performing them if my throat is dry, if my body overall is really dehydrated. So, typically, when I would be rehearsing some poems I knew, I would start out just kind of opening up my voice. I would start out maybe performing a poem or two that I knew really well and getting in the rhythm of them, saying them loudly so that I can also get myself back used to projecting. But, I think that also plays a role in sort of opening me up to sort of getting relaxed into what it's going to feel like to be on stage.

Amena Brown:

I think that another part of that, especially when I'm not at home, like if I have a gig and I flew out of town to go to the gig and I'm in the hotel or I'm in the green room like I'm within an hour or two hours from a performance, I do sing to warm up my voice, to ground myself. A lot of times I'll sing a hymn, and I typically sing hymns that I learned from my great-grandmother. I'll sing Leaning on the Everlasting Arms. That's a hymn that my great-grandmother taught me when I was a little girl. And I learned the hymn, Great is Thy Faithfulness, when I was a kid, but I learned it in church, singing in the choir. So sometimes, I'll take like a, to me, it is in part of spiritual practice, I think, because whether I am performing poems that are explicitly about God or not, there's something very spiritual to me about performing poetry.

Amena Brown:

And now, in the way my career is, I'm very rarely performing poems in any sort of a Christian or a faith-based type of setting. I'm getting to do a performance and do pieces about my life, about my husband, about my hair and whatever else. So, sometimes I might still sing or sometimes I might sing an India.Arie song, but I think the singing is about this opening up of the voice, opening up of my soul. It's about grounding me, and I like to sing what I would call like a memory song, a song that I have really wonderful memories about. And something about singing that, it does the physical work, I think, of helping me rehearse, but it also is doing some soul work for me too.

Amena Brown:

And then, a lot of times, I will rehearse the poems, say them out loud. I pace a lot. And then now, the way my poetry sets are... When I first started in my career, I was performing my poems one at a time. Well, now, I'm doing sets of poetry. Could be 30 minutes, could be an hour long. I'm practicing the poems, but I also have to think about what is the set of poetry I want to do. So say, in an hour, I want to do six poems, and then I'm going to tell stories in between the six poems. Then, a lot of times when I'm rehearsing, I'm thinking through like, "What's the usual story I tell to get between these two poems? Do I have a new angle I want to take on that I want to try," and then I kind of got to fumble through that and talk through that a little bit out loud to myself. And then, once I talk it together, I can kind of get it together enough to try it out on stage. I would say that's one way.

Amena Brown:

And if it's a new poem that I'm memorizing and rehearsing, I typically do that in these 20-minute rotations. I start out by handwriting the piece three times and then I will take... When I say 20-minute rotations, I mean 20 minutes on, 20 minutes off. Once I've handwritten it, then when I come back to are my 20 minutes on, I'll start kind of reciting the poem from the page and just keep going at it line by line, stanza by stanza, until I think I've got most of it. Pre-pandemic, when all the open mics were around, I would take that poem out to an open mic too, try to take it out a few times before I bring it to the stage where I've got booked to perform this thing, but sometimes I didn't get to do that. I also just reserved the right as a poet to say to the audience, "Hey, I've got this new piece. Is it okay if I try it out in front of y'all?"

Amena Brown:

All the performances don't have to feel so super produced. I think the most important part for my performances is that they feel conversational. I say to you all as listeners of this podcast that I always want the podcast to feel like a living room, like a HER living room. But, I think a living room is in my mind all the time. When I'm performing, I almost want the audience to have relaxed enough that no matter where we are, they sort of felt like they lean back into a couch a little bit. And I think there is a certain way I like to bring myself to the stage to make people feel that sense of warmth, feel that sense of belonging. I think that's a big part of it for me.

Amena Brown:

Natalie asked, "Do you get nervous?" Natalie, I get nervous every time, no matter what the size of the crowd is, no matter who is in the audience or not. If I had to perform that poem in front of two people or 2000 people, I would still be nervous. But, the interesting thing about it is I'll feel nervous like an hour before and right up until I stand there and start talking. And then once I've started talking, I don't feel nervous anymore, but I feel nervous leading up to it every single time. And I think that's a good thing. I think it's good to feel nervous.

Amena Brown:

I know every artist doesn't so it's not a bad thing if there are performers who just don't feel nervous. But for me, that's a good thing. That's a sign to me that I'm still in my humanity. I'm in the part of me that is still that kid that never knew anybody was going to pay any money to see me do anything, and so I get nervous, but the nervousness totally fades away once I say whatever that first word is on stage. Then after that, I just feel like I'm, I guess I would say I feel like I'm at home, but I feel like I'm making myself at home in somebody else's home typically, if I'm performing some place that I was asked to come there. It's not technically my home, but they were like, "Here's a big old living room. Make yourself at home." That's what I feel like I'm doing. Great questions, Natalie.

Amena Brown:

Christina asked, "What is your advice for an aspiring youth writer for figuring out a path after high school?" Wow, Christina, this is a really great question because you'll have to share with me and any of you listening that are in high school or are high school-aged or a college-aged, you'll have to share with me your thoughts about what you think a writer is at this stage of your life. When I was in high school, I thought a writer was in their forties. And I thought that I needed to find something to do from 17 till I turned 40, I just needed to find something to do to bide my time, and for some reason, all this good writerly stuff was going to come to me in my forties. But, I mean, in certain ways, that's kind of been true, but in other ways, it's not because that meant in my mind I thought there was no use for a young writer.

Amena Brown:

I thought there was no use for my thoughts at 17 or 19 or 22. I thought that my thoughts weren't going to feel important to anyone until I was grown grown. And I don't believe that's true. And it proved to not be true in my career because I started my career professionally at 22 years old, when I didn't expect that was going to happen. So, what my advice would be for an aspiring young writer, especially figuring out what they want to do after high school, I think there are many options for you after high school. I came from a family where it wasn't really an option about college. It wasn't like, "You could do this, you could do this, you could do this, or you could go to college." It was like, once I was a little kid, everyone just referred to that as when. "When you get to college, you'll see this." "When you get to college, you'll experience that."

Amena Brown:

I really just didn't have any other thoughts other than attending college. I don't believe necessarily that college is the path for everyone. I think it can be a good path if that turns out to be right for you, and I'll tell you what the pluses of that can be. As a writer, college can be a fantastic training ground. You're going get exposed to so many other writers, so many other authors that you didn't know about. I graduated from Spelman College. I'm actually celebrating my 20-year college reunion this year. Who can believe it, who can believe it? And when I think about that, I think about, especially having gone to a historically Black and historically all-woman college, I think about all the writers that I either was exposed to or took a much deeper dive into them. I mean, I got to read Zora Neale Hurston and Langston Hughes, one of my professors. Shout-out to Dr. Harper, was and is a Langston Hughes' scholar.

Amena Brown:

I got to read Frantz Fanon and Chinua Achebe. I got to read Beverly Guy-Sheftall and Audre Lorde. I mean, I was reading so many amazing writers. So, I think one of the pluses to college is that it kind of forces you into this spot that you are typically doing more reading than you might have done by yourself because you sort of have this structure of classes and different things, essays to write and all that. So, I think college can be a wonderful experience for a writer. I think also a writer has to live, a writer has to live and experience life and think about the stories in their own family. Think about the stories that they've experienced. So, I would say, if college is something that's possible for you, I would encourage that. Anything that you have that can bring you more learning, whether that's college, whether that's certifications, whether that's trade school. Anything like that will do nothing but enhance your writing.

Amena Brown:

And I think the plus now for the generation of folks who are graduating high school is that you have access to so many ways to do the work of your writing. When I was coming out of high school, it was sort of like if you were a writer, people were just like, "Okay, so you're going to put out a book?" There weren't really blogs that existed that much at that time in the late nineties. There definitely wasn't social media as we know it today. So, I would also say to a young writer, think about the ways that you can "publish" your writing that may not even be traditional publishing. I think there are some places where the playing field has been leveled, where you don't have to wait for some institution or some publishing entity to come and say, "You are worth publishing."

Amena Brown:

You actually get to decide that your words are worth sharing. And there are a lot of platforms that you can do that. And if you are a writer that is interested in performance writing, like spoken word, playwriting, and the type of things that are going to lead you to stage or to television or to film, I think it's really important to try to find that sort of communal space where you can share your work, whether that's an open mic, that could be a virtual type space where you can share your work with other writers. I think even if you're not a performance-based writer, having community with other writers in general and, in particular, having community with other young writers. How can you gather together with some other young writers you know? Maybe y'all can start a little writing workshop. You can share work with each other and help each other to become better. Maybe you have a book club where y'all read different books to help you become better writers.

Amena Brown:

Any of those things I would say are great places to start with figuring out what your path will be after high school. And just accept, there may not be this established path for you. You may feel like you're making some of it up. You may feel like you're trying a bunch of things and just seeing what comes out, and that's okay. So many people that you look up to, their journey to where you are looking up to them was very rough and tumble. They did not know, they did not have it all figured out, and it's okay if you don't know, it's okay if you don't have it figured out. But, it can be fun and interesting and curious just to see where life takes you, to try out some things, to try some different jobs, and get some different relationships and connections to folks whose work you love and admire, and let all of those places be places that you can learn. I hope that helped, Christina, and we look forward to being able to read more of your work really soon.

Amena Brown:

Lizzy asked, "What piece did you recently do that gave you an overwhelming amount of joy?" The first piece that comes to my mind to answer this question, Lizzy, is my poem, Never Tell a Black Girl How to Black Girl. I love that poem so much. I actually kind of finished that poem during the pandemic. I had started it and was kind of refining it, but I never really got the chance to, pre-pandemic, do what I would've done with it. Take it out to the open mics and do all that. And I got a chance to do that poem on a television show called Social Society. Big shout-out to Social Society on ALLBLK network. You can see the clip of that on my Instagram, if you haven't checked it out already.

Amena Brown:

I love that poem. I love that poem because I love the reaction I see in Black women when they hear it. Sometimes, it makes them cry. Sometimes, it makes them laugh. Sometimes, I can look in their eyes and see that I made a reference that they're like, "Oh, that's me. That's my Black girl stuff." And I love the idea of Black girls and Black women continuing to be released from what people expect us to be, that we get to be just who we are and there is no singular way or monolithic way to be a Black girl. There are all sorts of ways. And I love that for us. So yeah, that poem gives me a lot of joy every time I perform it.

Amena Brown:

Jay asked, "What advice do you have for someone who is scared but interested in spoken word?" I actually get this question a lot. And I can understand that being scared because spoken word has this additional element. For those of you listening that may be poets but you're not necessarily interested in performing those poems, there's a nervousness itself in writing. But because spoken word is being written to be done in front of a crowd, that sort of becomes a barrier for some folks, that they're just like, "I don't know, I kind of want to do that, but I'm really, really scared." And so, I just want to say, first of all, that being scared is totally understandable. I mean, the thought of taking something you've written that's likely very personal and taking it to this room full of strangers and just reading it out loud, that is really scary, and kind of goes back to the earlier question that Natalie asked about getting nervous.

Amena Brown:

I think most poets that you love at one time were that scared poet or have had times where they scared. So, I would say, if you're interested in spoken word but you feel afraid, I think one of the beautiful things about spoken word, at least in my experience, spoken word is built in community and I feel it's best built in community. Spoken word is not something that is best done when you are just isolated away from other poets and away from that sense of community. And I think that's a part of how we help each other. You're going to have moments where the poet next to you is scared out of their boots, but you're there to egg them on, to heckle them in a positive way. My sister and I, when we used to go to open mics together, we would say we were positive hecklers. When someone we love would get up there to perform, we would yell wonderful things at them before they started their piece just to let them know there's a love out here in the room.

Amena Brown:

So, any way that you can get involved in the community of other poets, that will help you to start feeling less and less scared, because then it may not feel like a room of strangers. It may feel like a room of some people that you might actually know or might actually know you, and you won't feel so alone, because at any open mic situation, whether it's in person or virtual, there's always somebody there that it's their first time. And we can all remember our first time, and we want to give that person all this love. And so, you get to give that love and you also get to receive that love. That would be my advice, to start there.

Amena Brown:

And maybe if you live in a place where maybe there aren't open mics, see if there are virtual spaces like that, or kind of like I was talking about with Christina. Think about, are there other writers that you know? You can also build your own community if you don't have access to one. So, Jay, you're going to feel afraid, but it doesn't mean you should not try doing your spoken words. I'm hoping that some folks get to hear those pieces really soon.

Amena Brown:

TM asked, "Do you sit down to write and a poem comes out to you and then you write?" Okay. I have a smaller number of experiences where I sat down and the whole poem just came to me. Typically, the poems come to me in layers. I get maybe a couple of lines and then I wait several months, and then I get a few more lines. And then a few weeks go by, and then a few more lines. And then I'll have a conversation with someone and the rest of the poem will come. Most of my poems are written in some iterations like that.

Amena Brown:

Every now and then I've had a poem that I just... It's very rare that I have a poem and I have an idea and I sit down to write it and then it just comes to me. It's typically more like all of my poems sort of start as either one liner kind of things, or I do have sort of a concept or an idea and then I kind of have to come back to that concept later. And then months later, or weeks later, the poem will just show up.

Amena Brown:

That's the interesting thing about poetry. Of all the genres of writing that I've done, I've written as a journalist, I've written as a nonfiction author, I've written essays, and poems are different in how they come about. They will not be controlled. You will not go to a poem and say, "Today, I will write 500 words." You sort of have to go to the poem and see which poems want to be written. So, that's part of why I say that for me writing poetry is a very spiritual act, because it does feel very connected to this mystery of what some of my friends would call the divine, what some of us would call God, or just some force that's unexplainable and how creativity happened.

Amena Brown:

And I really do believe in that, because I sit down to write and I don't always know what in the world is going to come out. And sometimes I sit down to write and nothing comes out, and those are very frustrating days, but that doesn't mean just because nothing came out that I shouldn't keep going back to the work and just go back and try. Sometimes, I will have had a poem idea... This has happened to me several times that I've had a poem that I had an idea for years ago, and I could just never figure out exactly how to get it written. And all those years later, the poem will show up. I'll be about to go to sleep and I'll get all these lines and I'll be like, "Well, that's interesting," and just try to keep track of it. So yeah, I very rarely sit down and a poem just comes out. It sort of comes to me in fragments until I start to see the picture of the poem becoming whole, and then I'll start refining from there, if that makes sense.

Amena Brown:

Okay, this is our last question for this episode. TM asked, this is a very important question. "How do you use the bathroom while wearing a jumpsuit? In the podcast, you asked this question but you didn't answer it." TM, I want to thank you for bringing this up right now, because this is a part of what kept me from wearing jumpsuits for so long. Because, I would look at other women wearing them and I would be like, "Man, that looks so good on her. I love how that looks on her. Yes." But then I would be like, "How does she go to the bathroom?" And I'm going to say something, and this is going to be a little Easter egg for those of you that are fans so I'm going to get you, sucker. But, I really was like, "How to go to the bathroom with all that stuff on?"

Amena Brown:

Anyways, this is the deal with jumpsuits and going to the bathroom that I have learned. The best jumpsuit to make it easier to go to the bathroom is for me a jumpsuit that doesn't have a zipper. Or, if it has a zipper, it has to be easy to get in and out of it. But, I really recommend jumpsuits that don't have zippers when possible, because they are the easiest to go to the bathroom. Now, it might feel a little weird for you if you're pulling your jumpsuit down, and for those of us with breasts, it's like you're pulling your jumpsuit down and you're like, "Am I naked? Am I naked in the bathroom?" And then, sometimes, I have some jumpsuits that are baggier, so it becomes an interesting, sort of strange bathroom yoga pose that I'm doing to try to do the squat that one does when you're in a public restroom, but I'm trying to hold my knees in a certain way to keep my jumpsuit from falling down to the ground.

Amena Brown:

So, your best case scenario, when going to the bathroom wearing a jumpsuit is that you're wearing a jumpsuit that doesn't have a zipper so you can really just pull down the straps. Or if it's strapless, that you can pull down whatever the tube top of it is, but that it snug enough in the middle, in the waist, that it still stays up on you while you do whatever arrangements you're doing when you go to the bathroom. And then when it's time to put it back on, it's easy. Where it's a problem when you're trying to go to the bathroom wearing a jumpsuit is when the jumpsuit has a back zipper, and it's one of those zippers that either it would be better if you had a second person to zip you up, or that you have to get in some sort of strange eagle pigeon pose in order to get that zipper up by yourself.

Amena Brown:

I have some jumpsuits like that. I don't wear them as much anymore, but when I was traveling a lot and doing a lot of events, it would literally be that I would have to time how I drank water so that I could not have to go to the bathroom that often because I wasn't sure how long it was going to take me to get out of the jumpsuit to go to the bathroom and then to get back in it. Now, sometimes, you could just receive the kindness of a stranger in the bathroom if you feel up to this and just have to walk out and be like, "Can somebody help?" But, I don't like to be in that situation, so I feel like if you're going to do a jumpsuit, jumpsuits can be so wonderful on so many different at body types.

Amena Brown:

I feel like every body type can find a jumpsuit that works for your body. I really do feel that way, but I feel like if you in a place where you can try on this jumpsuit, you should try on what it feels like getting out of it and getting into it. And if it's complicated, if the zipper is sticking, if you can get the zipper up so far by yourself but then you got to bend your head down and try to fold up your arms and do all this strange stuff, really try to find some jumpsuits that look good on you and that make you feel good when you wear them but also that you can get in and out of easily.

Amena Brown:

Because, let me tell you, it's nothing like the panic of having a bladder that is super full and knowing that you've got a little bit of a journey ahead of you trying to get out of your clothes. No one wants it. No one wants it. Okay. That's my jumpsuit advice. That is how I use the bathroom while wearing a jumpsuit. Thank you, TM, for bringing that back up because I didn't want to leave y'all out there. I didn't want to leave those questions unresolved.

Amena Brown:

I want to thank you all for your wonderful questions. I hope to do one of these again soon in the next couple of months. I hope you all have a great rest of your week. And this week, I want you to try to do something that I'm trying to give as a gift to myself. Give yourself the gift of a slow morning this week, if you can get it. Give yourself the gift of a morning where maybe you don't have to schedule that meeting right first thing. Maybe you give yourself that little bit of time. Maybe it's a Saturday. Maybe it's a Sunday. Maybe it's a day off from work that you have. Maybe you only get one of these days a year based on what your schedule is, but give yourself the gift of a morning that you don't have to meet anyone's expectations but your own. And that's what I wish for all of you. Thanks so much. See y'all next week.

Amena Brown:

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 69

 Amena Brown:

Everybody, welcome back to a new episode of HER with Amena Brown. And I am your host, Amena Brown. And the topic of this episode was not intended to be correlated to the number of this episode, but the title is correct. We are going to discuss why I think it's important that I should have underwear that covers both of my booty cheeks. And maybe you feel the same way, but I wasn't doing that because the episode number is 69. And if that joke doesn't make any sense to you, let's go on to the next thing. So I, first of all, have talked to a couple of girlfriends recently about just my current thoughts on the importance of my underwear. I'm not going to be talking as much about bras today. I think I will do a separate episode regarding that. Today, we're going to focus on underwear. We're focus on drawers. We're going to focus on panties or whatever you call your underwear or your drawers. All three of those terms will be interchangeable for me during this episode.

 Amena Brown:

It's interesting because a part of what brought up this idea that I was like, "I'm going to take this into the HER living room. We're all going to bring our hummus and our partially cut up green peppers and talk about this." I was talking to a couple of girlfriends recently about how my relationship to my underwear is changing, which is probably about a bigger discussion of where my body is changing. And that is changing my relationship to how I want to feel in my clothing. But before we get into that, I want to talk about what I was told growing up about underwear. And it's interesting to think about this, right? Because I've talked on this podcast before, about how I grew up in church, grew up in a very strict conservative environment.

 Amena Brown:

And when I say conservative, I don't just mean politically. Although there may have been some ways it was a conservative environment politically, but I mean conservative in the sense of wanting you to wear clothing where pretty much your body was going to be covered and particularly covered around genitalia, breasts, like obviously booty, all those things want all of that to be covered up and not be seen or be close to being seen. And in addition to that, we also want the clothing you wear to not be so tight, that those things are more easily seen or "imagined" which takes us down a road of purity culture. And you may not be familiar with that if that wasn't something that you grew up with, but in a lot of Christian churches and Christian communities, there was this idea that sexual purity was very much related to how you dressed, what you wore.

 Amena Brown:

And the bulk of the pressure of remaining "pure" was put on girls or women. In order to make sure they were not "temptations" to men. So I was definitely growing up in an environment like that. I sang in the choir at church and at least one or two Sundays of the month, the choir wore black and white. And in my church's case, that meant that women wore black skirts. So I don't remember us being able to wear black pants. I remember it was black skirts, black pantyhose, black shoes, and then you'd wear a white blouse. And there was a lot of conversation believe it or not around what kind of undergarment you should be wearing under your white blouse or on Easter, we would actually dress in all white in the choir. So then it was a discussion among the women in the choir of what undergarments were presentable to wear underneath your white dress.

 Amena Brown:

My mom raised me that if you're wearing white, that I should wear black undergarments. Of course, this is before the current time that we're living in you all, where now underwear and undergarments are being made in nude colors that are actually nude for most people that have different shades of nude. But when I was growing up, nude was beige. So that wasn't going to help you if you were brown skin or darker. Whereas, now you have a lot more options. Those weren't there then. You basically had white "beige/nude" or black. And so my mom would always say, if you're wearing white, you should wear black undergarments. That way no one can see your bra or anything through whatever you're wearing. I also want to bring up an old school term that I haven't heard anyone say in a long time, which is a slip.

 Amena Brown:

And if you grew up in a church setting and I want to speak particular to you, if you grew up in a Black church setting, then you grew up either wearing a slip at some point in your life or the other women that you were around were wearing slips. Some of you are like, "What is a slip?" A slip is a satiny garment that could be a half slip. I should have had my grandma on to talk about this. A half slip was basically something you wore that was like a satiny material. That was the same length as your skirts or your dress, but it created this extra layer so that if someone were to look at you, they couldn't see the underwear that you were wearing underneath your dress. And there were such things as full slips, which had straps and had the shape for your breast to go and then they went down into the skirt similar to the half slip.

 Amena Brown:

And then if you wore just the top part, somehow that was considered to be a camisole. That was not considered to be a half slip, even though technically it was. So these were all garments that I became really familiar with when I was growing up, because in order to be dressed for church and to try to "dress modestly" and all of that, you would wear all these different layers under everything. And did that give me a certain kind of complex about my body? I'm pretty sure it gave all of us this feeling that as girls growing up and then as we became adults as women, this sort of idea of how much of our bodies do we have to hide or disguise in some way.

 Amena Brown:

And I do remember it was interesting when I started singing in the choir that a lot of the choir leadership would tell us as women that we should be wearing white slips, we should be wearing white undergarments, bras included. And that was not a usual thing for my mom. So I remember my first Sunday singing in the choir I had on this white kind of rayon blouse. And then I had on, I was young you all, I was probably 12 or 13, my first time singing in the choir. So I had on this rayon blouse, short sleeve button up blouse. And then I had on my little bra, which is probably still very much like a little training bra basically. And then my mom had bought me a black silky or satiny camisole to wear underneath it.

 Amena Brown:

And one of the missionaries at the church, because our church had all these different leadership positions. So there were deacons, there were missionaries ministers and elders. And some of you may hear the term missionary and think about people who go and they travel places to share the Christian religion in those communities. And I think that may have been true of some of the missionaries in our church, but I think they were more locally doing some types of community work. That was always my assumption anyways. So one of the missionaries, I didn't know her well at all. I knew her name, but I don't know that we'd ever had a full-fledged conversation. And she came up to me to ask me about if I was wearing a bra under my shirt, after the service had ended that day, she asked me and I said yes, that I was wearing a bra.

 Amena Brown:

And I explained to her what I said to you all, that I was wearing a camisole saw and she told me, "You should wear white." This is a wild thing, "So that we know you're wearing under garments." So that was a wild time of life because on the one hand I'm being told as a girl to try to hide my body, to try to hide my breasts, hide my hips, hide my booty, hide everything that could cause me to be sexualized by a boy or a man. And then at the same time I'm being told, it's not just that we want you to hide those things, now we want you to wear a certain kind of slip or top or whatever under there that shows us you're wearing your undergarments.

 Amena Brown:

So it was this very strange, disparate message to get. And that sort of gave me weird thoughts about the purpose or the goal of underwear. And I think that taught me growing up, well obviously my undergarments are in some way performative for other people, but very specifically in that environment, they're performative for boys or men. It's either that I need to be worried that what I wear is "tantalizing" to them, or I need to do my best to hide everything so that they won't be tempted or I need to wear something that shows I'm wearing something so that they won't be tempted. Terrible. I do remember by the time I got through high school and got into college, this was around the era of, it was kind of that time of college where maybe I'm trying to think, was I a junior by then? But I don't think so.

 Amena Brown:

I think it was maybe my first year or so coming back home from school. I really can't remember all the way full details of this, but what I remember the most is that I was out with one of my best friends, Adrian, and we had gone shopping. I feel like we were later in college at this time. I feel like we'd gotten to the point in college where you're starting to do interviews for internships or summer jobs, things like this. And this is when the store, The Limited was very popular. I might be telling my age to say that store, but shout out to you if you remember this, The Limited was a very popular store. And that was sort of where, when you were in your early twenties, that was where you got your first business attire and wide leg pants were very, very popular. And so I was thinking, man, I need to get some underwear to make, here we go again you all, I need to get some underwear to not show that I'm wearing underwear.

 Amena Brown:

So I bought this thong when I was out with Adrian, my first time ever buying that and came home and put the bag in the laundry room. And then I left out to go back and hang out with my friends. And I remember getting home and my mom was like, I walked in the house and she was like, "What you need this for? Who you wearing this for? And I was like, "We just went. Interviews. Panty line." It was such a big deal then for your panty line, not to show. So that was the purpose of wearing a thong was so that you would still "have on underwear", but now it can look like you don't have on underwear because you don't have the panty lines on your booty cheeks. So my mom and I had a whole talk and basically that thong got confiscated and I can't tell you where it's at today.

 Amena Brown:

Not only did my mom confiscate that thong, she brought me a pair of some bloomers that she had and she handed me those like, "Here, if you're worried about your panty line wear those." Actually, I'm not going to lie though that I have to give a small shout out to my mom because I'm like, wow, it's that basically the type of underwear I wear now. Anyways, so all that to say, I sort of went away from the thought of cute or sexy underwear at that point and now I had the bloomers, so I didn't really need the thong. I think later, a mentor like figure of mine bought me a couple of thongs when she just helped me get an outfit for an event if I remember right. And so I had thongs because she bought them, but it took me many years before I ever bought my own thong underwear.

 Amena Brown:

And I do think we all sort of go through some type of underwear evolution. A part of that obviously is because when we're growing up in our families, our families have a way they purchase things. They have whatever budget it is, so you just are accepting whatever you're given for some of you, those may have been hand me downs in your family, if you weren't the oldest kid and for some of you that may have been particular store that you remember going to, because that's what your family could afford. And then you get to a point where you become an adult yourself, you're now responsible for buying your own underwear. And so I think I was probably in my early to mid twenties when I was starting to buy all this stuff for myself, having my own job and all that and realizing like, "Okay, well, I like to go to Target. That's a pretty easy place. I can go and get Hanes or Fruit of the Loom underwear there.

 Amena Brown:

But then they also had their Target brand underwear that were for me and the budget I was on, they were very nice. So I was like, this is great. And then by the time I got into my mid to late twenties, I started to think more about what does a grown ass woman's underwear drawer look like? Because up to that point, my own underwear had been very functional, really. I wasn't as concerned about cuteness or anything. And I feel like I was reading some articles about things that like every woman should have in her wardrobe type articles. And they were talking about how as a grown woman, you should have matching bra and panties sets. I had never bought bra and panties together. Never done that.

 Amena Brown:

I would just go to the store and get underwear if I was running out or whatever. And then I don't even know where I was buying my bras for a while. And probably some of my bras, even into my twenties, my mom or my grandma was buying for me for my birthday or Christmas or whatever. So I was like, okay, you're supposed by a matching set together. And that is what sent me to Victoria's Secret. Victoria's Secret was my entry level point into underwear that I thought would be cute. I think I was, first of all, looking to just have cute underwear and cute underwear that matched with the bras that I was buying. I do think by the time I got in my late twenties, I was looking to have sexy underwear. I was not looking to have sexy underwear or cute underwear because anyone was seeing them mind you, because no one was seeing them.

 Amena Brown:

But as I was getting older and getting more comfortable in my own skin, I wanted to have some underwear that I liked. And I think as I got into my late twenties, I wanted to have some underwear that made me feel sexy. And so that sent me to Victoria's Secret and the whole concept of getting measured for your bras and underwears. I will talk about bras fully in another episode you all, but getting measured for bras was a very fascinating time. And then you're figuring out what your actual underwear size is, and then going into Victoria's Secret and being like, man, there are a lot of different types of underwear. Victoria's Secret had thongs and bikinis. And they had boy shorts and high leg, high waist. There were a lot more choices there than I was used to experiencing in Target.

 Amena Brown:

And I really loved that underwear evolution for me of sort of starting to make the choices for myself, for what I like to have on for what makes me feel good. I got married in my early thirties and like many folks when they get married, I had two separate bridal showers, if I remember right. I had one that was more like the household stuff that people give you. First of all, the time period of getting married for straight people can be very fascinating as far as the traditions there, like somehow the groom just gets to like be out and about somewhere, but you are the one expected to be there for all those casserole dishes like both of you all aren't going to use them. All that stuff is put on the woman in that scenario. And it's just a very wild tradition that we have there, but I had a bridal shower like that, where you're getting all your housewares.

 Amena Brown:

That's typically the bridal shower that you invite your mother and your mother-in-law, your grandmother, your aunts, and people like that. That's the one that you invite them to because you don't want your friend to buy you a vibrator and you're opening that in front of your mom and your mother-in-law. And then I had a separate shower that was friends only, that was all the lingerie, all the sexy underwear for everything. And even now that my husband and I have been married over 10 years now, I think the best place for me, of whatever type of sexy underwear I want to have, should still start with what makes me feel sexy. What makes me feel good. So let's talk about where I am with drawers today. And you too think about where you are with your drawers today.

 Amena Brown:

For me drawers fall in two main categories: there's period drawers and regular drawers. Let's talk about period drawers for a second. Period drawers typically need to fall in a couple of descriptors. Number one, period drawers tend to be darker color. Because you want your period drawers to be able to handle it if there's a period mishap. I don't play around wearing white or lavender or yellow underwear during my period. I don't play around with that. You just go ahead and stay with underwear that's black, that's navy. You want to just stay in that dark colors vicinity. Also, I know that some people who have periods do this, I know that some people who have periods, they wear cheeky drawers and thongs and things on their periods. I'm not one of those people. When I am on my period, I need drawers that cover both of my booty cheeks.

 Amena Brown:

I need full coverage in my situations. I need full coverage. I don't mind if I can pull those draws up over my belly. I really need the comfort. When you're on your period, you have enough to worry about. You don't need to be worried about if your draws are nipping at your booty cheeks or nipping in some other places, you don't want them to nip. You just want to be focused on not doing damage to anyone or anything while you're on your period. So for me, it's comfortable drawers of darker hues, that's what you need. Then you have the larger category of the panties you wear when you're not on your period, the panties you wear for the rest of the month.

 Amena Brown:

Under that category can fall quite a few things. You may have some thongs there. You may have some cute panties, you may have some sexy panties in there, you may have panties that don't cause wedgies. Yes. I said it, wedgies. And I want to give a shout out to Black women on Twitter for hipping me to the brand, Soma on this because they so far are the best pair of underwear I've bought. Where you put them on and they just stay on your booty cheeks versus going into the crack. You don't want that. It's a bad experience. I don't like to have to keep tugging on my underwear during the day. I have enough to deal with, I don't need the rest of that. And I think it's good to have all these different categories of underwear, but I'm going to tell you what I've been talking with my girlfriends about that led to this episode.

 Amena Brown:

I was talking to them about, this is a conversation that's about underwear, which then is a conversation about bodies. And is a conversation even about our relationship to our bodies, to our clothing, to what size we think we should be to what we think we should be wearing. And in my life, I'm trying to really unlearn a lot of those shoulds. And so I was telling some girlfriends recently I have a size of underwear that is my typical size. Lately, I've started buying a size up or two sizes up from my underwear size. And I'll tell you why. Number one, I have accepted like, many of you have this experience too, that I'm just going to have times where my weight might fluctuate. Sometimes that may be like a hormonal thing. It may medication I'm taking. It may just be that my body is out here living her best life. She's surviving. She thriving, she doing whatever she can do for herself.

 Amena Brown:

But I have decided that I'm not going to suffer underwear that pinches me in places that I don't want to be pinched. And so if it brings me comfort to buy some underwear that's two sizes above the size that I might normally buy, what would stop me from doing that? It would be hard for me to do that if I have in my mind, the size that I think I should wear or the type of underwear that I think I should be in. And when you start to getting rid of those shoulds and really get down to being able to think about what would make me feel good? What would make me feel comfortable? I think also when we're thinking about our bodies and our relationship to clothing, whether we're talking about our undergarments, which is clothing, that a lot of people don't see us in, or whether we're talking about the stuff that we wear that people would see us in, when we're out for a walk out in the store or out with our friends or whatever.

 Amena Brown:

I think that it also becomes this conversation to have of accepting the body that I'm in. And instead of wearing things that make me feel like now this pair of underwear is unaccommodating for me, we all have different shape, different size, different things that make us feel good. And I don't want to have to wear underwear that is not going to accommodate for my full booty over here. I want underwear that's going to accommodate for my belly, for the cornbread that I've eaten, that I loved for the biscuits I've had. You know what I mean? And I think that there is some importance to, instead of wearing underwear that makes us feel bad about our bodies or bad about ourselves. Finding ways, even for the undergarments that maybe a few people see, or maybe you only see that it's important for you to feel good in those underwear that you wear.

 Amena Brown:

So if the "normal or typical" underwear brand or underwear sizing that you buy doesn't accommodate for your hips or your belly or your booty or whatever, find the underwear that does so that you can be whatever you want to be in your underwear. So you can be comfortable, so you can be sexy, so you can be sporty. So that's been a really good tip for me so far is whenever I place an order, sometimes I do this for clothing too. But if I order some underwear to order a size up, order two sizes up if I want. Maybe for you need to order a size down or you need to order three or four sizes up. You want to have a variety of sizes. So as your weight may fluctuate, you have the clothing that welcomes the body you're in.

 Amena Brown:

I think that is what's most important. And yes, it is a priority for me that my underwear covers both of my booty cheeks. It is an important thing that I like. And I am making that a top of the list in my underwear request. So ask yourself this, what kind of underwear makes you feel sexy? What kind of underwear makes you feel beautiful? What kind of underwear makes you feel comfortable? What kind of underwear can you find that makes room for your body right now as your body is? I love to think of that. I thought a lot about the word comfortable lately. In my previous sessions with my counselor, she has brought up the word comfort a lot. She has asked me to ponder what is something that would bring you comfort right now? What are the spaces you go in that bring you comfort? Who are the people that bring you comfort when you spend time with them or talk to them?

 Amena Brown:

And I think the word comfortable has gotten a bad rap, particularly in the scope of underwear. When I was growing up, we called comfortable underwear, granny panties. First of all, as if grannies don't wear sexy panties too, if they want. But also we were just sort of making it seem like at some point in your life, you would sort of age out of being concerned about whatever. And then to many of us, we were being taught this implicit lesson, that to look for comfort was bad, that as women, it's our job to look good and wear this type of shoes and this type of outfit and this type of underwear, because that's what "women are supposed to do" which means women are just supposed to be uncomfortable all the time. And that just isn't true.

 Amena Brown:

And thankfully, things have changed a lot since I was growing up. There are more colors of underwear that actually represent people who have my type of skin tone. There are more types of underwear for all sorts of bodies, and we've still got a long way to go. We've got a long way to go so that any body that anyone has, can be not only well represented in what we see in the media, in fashion, but also that the type of underwear that anybody wants and loves to have, can actually be available to them, however, their body is shaped, whatever their size, whatever their height, whatever their skin tone, they've been a lot of improvements and we've got a long way to go. In the meantime time, think about you, get you some underwear that make you feel good. Get you some underwear if you like this like me, that covers both of your booty cheeks. See you all in the living room next time.

 Amena Brown:

HER With Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 68

Amena Brown:

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to a new episode of HER With Amena Brown and I am Amena Brown, your host. Oh, my goodness y'all, we are getting knee deep into the spring here. For those of you that have been listening to the podcast for a while, you know that I live in Atlanta and spring here is wonderful. I have a lot of favorites about different time of year things as it relates to living here. But the spring is probably one of my favorite times of year, because it's one time of year where weather is just warm enough. The summers here get pretty... They get to be pretty sweltering. So, when it's springtime and you can be out with your short sleeve stuff on, it might even be warm enough to wear shorts, but you're not feeling like you're just sweating all of your skin off. The spring here is very nice.

Amena Brown:

So, we are here celebrating that. It's not too nice for my friends that have allergies though. The pollen out here is very strong. I'm also holding space for you, if you're listening, and springtime is a difficult time for you because of the pollen. But at least, you can see the beauty from inside and you don't have to worry about the pollen being inside. So, we are going behind the poetry today. And if you have listened to the podcast for a while, you know that periodically I'll come in and do these behind the poetry episodes. Where I'll take you through what's the background behind how the poem got written and how the poem got ready for stage, if it was something that I performed. So, I'm really excited to delve into this poem. We've never talked about this on the podcast before, and this poem is called Start With Your Roots. Normally right here, we'll drop in a recording or something, but I thought, for this episode, I would read this poem instead. And then we'll dig into it from there. Check it out.

Amena Brown:

Start with your roots, back porch, harmonica, washboard, rhythm of picking beans. Grandma saying, "Close the screen door behind you." It's okay to be proud to be from the South, to rep for hot summers, cobbler and watermelon sticky fingers. Big mama and grandpa. Mamaw and Papaw never wish for better luck or four-leaf clovers, because new years and black-eyed peas and collard greens. Because an itch in the palm of your hand means a payday is coming, because an itch on the nose means a surprise visitor is coming. Because you protect your mama's back when you don't step on a crack, because when you see gray hair, you say, "Yes, ma'am, no, ma'am. Yes, sir, no, sir." Because no matter how old you are, you always respect your mama's house, grandma's hands.

Amena Brown:

Kisses on mama's cheeks, dirt under granddad's fingernails from tending his garden. Daddy, smelling like homemade oil changes and pork chops. Take that with you. Carry it. Wrapped in wax paper like grandma's chicken and chocolate cake. Take it in the car, on the bus, on the train, on the plane. Remember why she does this. Remember she knows the sting of, sit in the back, of colored sections, colored entrance, colored water fountains. The long wait on road trips between stops and countertops that may not serve your kind here. She wraps food in wax paper, the same way she hopes her prayers caress the brown skin for her children and children's children. To keep them safe from noose, and bullet, and eyes, and hands filled with hate. Take that with you.

Amena Brown:

Read it on crinkly pages, like the family Bible with the records of deaths and births and weddings and generations, breathe it in. Like the scent of candied yams and rain come coming and magnolia trees and pig smokers and fried everything. Hold it in your chest like grandma's voice. Sing that old hymn like granddaddy giving thanks and holding hands at the head of the table. From there, you can grow. Become your own tree, spread your branches and limbs, make your own generations, create a safe place to lean on and find shade. Be spring, embrace summer. Fall, but always survive winter. Bloom, then plant seeds, so they'll be here long after your tree ceases to go through the season. Start with your roots and always return there.

Amena Brown:

So, I always start, when we're going behind the poetry, to first of all, share what made me write this poem. And this poem came to me at a particular social gathering that my husband and I used to do, years ago, at our home. It's interesting to me to think about it now, because I'm like, dang, that was so much fun. Why did we stop doing that? We used to do these events for our artist friends and we called it the listening party. Basically what we would do is, we would pick an album, typically from Rolling Stones top 500. I think we did two of these that I can remember. And we would invite our friends to come over, this is all pre-pandemic stuff. We would invite our friends to come over, tell them to bring a snack or their favorite drink or something to share. Everybody would get there, we would have about 30 minutes for people to mill around and snack and chit-chat.

Amena Brown:

Then we would start the album and we would play the album, all the way through. And we would just invite people to really be quiet during that time and to do whatever they like to do for reflection. So, if they wanted to journal, if they wanted to paint or sketch, and we would have all sorts of journals and crayons and whatever people wanted to use. Then after the album finished playing, we would go around and everybody would share maybe things about the album that stuck out to them, or if they drew something or wrote something, they might read it. In one of the listening parties that we had, the album was Outkasts' Aquemini. First of all, it's just a dope album, which is why it was also included in the top 500 albums of Rolling Stone. But it's a particularly important album to me, because around the time that Aquemini was being released was my early, first one or two years of college. This was the album for us at that time.

Amena Brown:

And I just have a lot of really fond memories of being in Atlanta and listening to that album. But not myself listening, hearing it come out of people's dorm rooms, hearing it in people's cars when they were driving by. It was just this soundtrack to our time here. And it particular, going to Spelman, being in the Atlanta University Center at the time, it was this surrounding music that was there. And to have all of that location and place playing a role in this album was really interesting. I think in general, in my writing and in my creative work at the moment, there's a lot of thought and inspiration that I get from location and place. It's the things we write. It's the memories we experience, but they're not disconnected from the place. From the place where we were, from the particular location in that place where we were.

Amena Brown:

So, to be in Atlanta at the time that Outkast is releasing Aquemini, and Outkast being this born and raised hip-hop group. That really counted Atlanta as home. The way that they spoke. There were so many things on not just this album, but many albums of theirs that were so particular to Atlanta, but also got released out into the world. So, there are all these layers that I have in coming into the listening party, thinking about this album in particular. That night I decided to just journal. And the beginnings of Start With Your Roots is what came out that night. That was the beginning of what made me write the poem. And then after that night, I decided to go back and tool around with the poem. See if I could maybe complete the story, see where it might need to be edited. And that's how the poem got written. What's the real life story behind the poem?

Amena Brown:

I think that part of what made that come up for me is, there's a song on Aquemini called Rosa Parks, it's one of my favorite Outkast songs. And it has this section of it in the middle, that sounds like a Southern hoedown. It's all the fiddles and harmonica. It's such a fantastic piece of music. And I think that conjured up to me, that was this fascinating choice that Outkast made to put something so distinctly Southern in the middle of this hip-hop record. I started thinking a lot. And I think prior to that moment, I had been thinking a lot about... Even though I moved around a lot as a child, I lived in a lot of different places in America. I moved around a lot as a child and I traveled a lot as a child as well.

Amena Brown:

Then I ended up in a career where I also traveled a lot. So, I've just been a lot of places, particularly obviously in America and a few places around the world as well. But most of my upbringing was between Texas and the South. There are particular feelings that I have around what it means to be Southern, what it means to be Southern and Black. And it was interesting to me, because the more I traveled and met different people, everyone has different perceptions of places that they've never been or that they're not very familiar with. Then on top of that, you have TV and film and all sorts of other media that put out an image or a sound that they will tell you is how that place is. That could be accurate, or it could be totally inaccurate.

Amena Brown:

But you don't really know, because you've never been to that place. If I were to give you an example, I would say, of those of you that watch Saturday Night Live a lot. Whenever Saturday Night Live has to represent the South, they typically choose something that seems like some sort of Redux version of the characters from Gone With the Wind. It's those accents, it's that style of dress. That's a pretty consistent Southern representation. But for those of us who actually live here in the South, we know that that's not all that the South is. I think there were times, especially when I first started traveling professionally, I think there were times that I would feel this sense of shame about being from the South, because it was really the hotbed of the capitalist slavery industry in America.

Amena Brown:

The South was not the only place, but it was a place where that was a big part of business and how America was built and the Civil Rights movement. There were just so many systems and things, some of which we know are still in place, that were very particular to the South. However, we know that overall, there are so many foundations about America and how America began and American history that we know racism was and is still widespread all over America. But there were certain narratives about what that meant from the South and certain people would say, "Oh, I would never live down there. I would never want to live anywhere in the South. It's too racist down there." Different things people would say. And I'm like, well, it's racist all over America in a lot of ways.

Amena Brown:

But I started to really explore my own roots, explore my family line. When I think about Black history, I want in particular to know my family's history, what is our Black history? So, I think I was having a lot of those thoughts, and around this season of time, when I was working on Start With Your Roots. I was starting to really think about, what does it mean to be from the South? I have chosen in my adult life... It's different when you're a kid and your parents have different reasons why they need to move and you need to go with them. But then you get to be an adult, in some ways, you can choose where you want to be, where you want your home to be, where you want to put down your own roots.

Amena Brown:

And I chose a Southern city, I chose Atlanta. I had a lot of places I could have gone. As a performing artist, I contemplated making my life in New York. And then I contemplated making my life in LA, but neither of those places ever felt like home to me like Atlanta does. I stayed here and now I have lived most of my whole life in the South. And truthfully now, I've lived half my life here in Atlanta. So, I wanted to explore those ideas. What was it that I loved about being in the South? What was it like to me being a child going home to the South where my grandmother lived? What were the rich things about that that I really loved? And then in very particular ways, even honing down even more, what was it like to be Black and from the South?

Amena Brown:

And what were some of those memories that I had? I was swirling those I ideas around and I think as I was listening to Outkasts' Rosa Parks from Aquemini, then the ideas came into the words of this poem. It's interesting thinking about this poem, because I think when it opens up... If I were to break this poem into stanzas, there are these first several lines that are more generally about the South, about things that I think a lot of people from the South would say they experience. The importance of the porch. The porch is such a big thing for a lot of us that grew up in the South. Depending on where you lived, if you had a front porch, if you had a back porch, if you had both, if it was screened in. Even this moment in the beginning of grandma saying, "Close the screen door behind you."

Amena Brown:

Even, first of all, visiting other places where they have no idea what a screen door is. A lot of the houses I visited of my family members in the South had screen doors. You've got all the mosquitoes and different things that go on in the summer like that, you've got to have that screen door so that you have that and your regular door. And even that phrase, grandma saying close the screen door behind you, there's a certain clack sound that a screen door makes in the South. And it's like, whenever I say that line, it's like I can hear that screen door sound in my great-grandmother's house or in some of my cousin's houses growing up. So, this beginning part of the piece was my attempt to generally say some things that were part of my experience, but also I thought would be part of the Southern upbringing experience for a lot of folks.

Amena Brown:

Then I think the poem does get to a place where I'm really now drilling down into what is Southern Black culture for a lot of us. These ideas about superstition and luck, and that those things are different in Southern Black culture than just looking for a four-leaf Clover. It's making your black-eyed peas and collard greens on new years. My grandmother was really big on, if your hand started to itch in the palm, that meant some money was coming to you. Or if your nose itched, it meant somebody was going to come visit you. All of those little childhood games we played that had the different rhymes in there, and that you don't want to step on a crack on the side wall. Because you'll break your mama's back, and things like that ended up showing up to me as I was trying to get these ideas out.

Amena Brown:

Then it's goes back here in some ways to some general ideas about thinking about Bill Withers Grandma's Hands, and also thinking about my own grandma's hands. Thinking about the respect things that you do when you walk into a house of Black Southern folks. It's like, if that's your mama's house, then you walk in. If everybody's up and about, you walk in. First thing you want to do is, give your mama a kiss on the cheek, give your grand-mama a kiss on the cheek. Those kinds of things really was giving a shout out to my dad and my grandfather on my dad's side, they both were big in gardening and were just those type of Southern men that would have just that little bit of dirt under their fingernails. And it could have been from the garden. It could have been from them doing their own oil changes.

Amena Brown:

Then I get into this really great memory for me as a kid, where my grandmother would always fry chicken and make chocolate cake for us when we were leaving her house. And of course, I have different memories of where we were living at certain times when we would go to her house. And then depending on where we were living, which way we had to travel when we left her. For a good bit of my time in elementary school and into the beginning of middle school, we lived in Maryland. So, we were driving distance away or we were a train's distance away. And there would be times that my mom would take... We would take the train down there and then take the train back home. And my grandma would fry up some chicken for us and she would make a whole chocolate cake, but then she would slice the cake and wrap each of the slices in wax paper.

Amena Brown:

And she would put... I didn't mention this in the piece, which I was surprised when I look back at it actually. She would put all this food in this shoebox, and then we would go on our way and be so excited to open up that shoebox when we got on the train or on the bus. Oh my goodness. It was interesting, because sometimes generationally... I don't know, many of us can say this is true in our families. There are some things that the older generations went through or did, or even routines they had that you never got the explanation as to why they kept doing that. Why were they saving the aluminum foil? Why were they rinsing it off and folding it back up, and putting it back in the cabinet? I've even joked with a few of my friends.

Amena Brown:

I'm curious for those of us who are living through this time of the pandemic and of COVID, what will be some things we will retain from this. That when we're in our seventies, eighties, we'll still be doing that even though it may not be necessary, but it's like, our brains are already there thinking about it. My grandparents were being raised in the age post the Depression, so there was still a lot of ways that they were rationing certain things. This was one of those things that my grandma did, but we didn't really know the explanation as children. I just thought she did that, because grandmas like to make sure you have food. She never explained that. When I got older and I asked her, why was she making this chicken and this cake to send us on our way?

Amena Brown:

She explained to me, because of segregation, I do that because I did that sometimes for my kids growing up and then my mother, she did that for me when I was a child and so on. Because if we were traveling somewhere, whether it was by the bus or train or car, we weren't guaranteed to have a place that we knew we could go in and order a sandwich there or something. We might have a whole trip where there was no place safe to stop, to get out. So we had to bring everything that we needed with us. And that really gave me a lot of pause, hearing my grandma recount that, and it gave a lot of gravity to that tradition.

Amena Brown:

It's also interesting, because after I wrote this poem, I'm trying to think about the years. It was maybe a few years after this. My grandma turned 85 that year and my cousin organized this beach trip for our whole family. So that meant my grandma, all her kids, all the grandkids and the great-grandkids. We were all in the same beach house. My grandma's birthday is actually in October, but she wanted us to celebrate her birthday that summer because we were all going to be together. And I decided, as tradition, to make this cake. I cannot remember now if we had fried chicken that day or not, maybe we did. I can't remember. But I remember that we made the same cake that my grandma would make for us, which was what most Southern people consider to be a chocolate cake, which is yellow cake with chocolate frosting.

Amena Brown:

I can't argue with you about it, it's just the way it is. I made the cake for my grandma this time, and then my cousins, a couple of my cousins had to leave earlier. So, I sliced up the cake and wrapped it up in wax paper. And it just felt like this... It felt like this beautiful food tradition, that even though it was born out of really terrible times, it turned to be this thing that now we can do out of love. In the same way that our grandparents and great grandparents and so on, they did out of love and protection for their family members too. That was a really beautiful moment that I remember happening after this poem got written. Another thing that I really love about this poem that I think became really important in the real story of writing behind it, is I wanted it to be full of imagery.

Amena Brown:

I wanted it to feel sensory, that you feel like you can see these places and things. You feel like you can smell the pig smokers and the fried everything. You feel like you can see that grandfather at the head of the table, holding hands. Everyone, regardless of whatever their own religious affiliation, is bowing their head when the granddaddy says, "Let's pray," type of thing. I really loved that. I loved that there are certain sense that really are very characteristic of the South, that if you've ever visited the South as a child. There's this certain smell of how certain trees or flowers here or in the place in the South where you're from may smell like. Or certain foods that it's like, that pig smoker scent. I know that scent well. I could be any place and immediately be transported back to some place in the South where I first smelled what that smells like.

Amena Brown:

I loved this idea of, when we're really talking about... We start with our roots, we study the people that we came from. In my case, that is Southern black folks. Then there's this idea, well, it doesn't just end with us studying our roots or knowing history. We want to know history and we want to know our roots so that we might also grow, so that we might also want to put something out in the world that will continue on after us. If my ancestors are my roots and then here I am the tree that grew from them, then eventually I will become the root of someone else. Some future generations out there. And that we all have this way to be a part of a legacy. We want to leave something here that continues growing even when we are no longer here anymore.

Amena Brown:

So, I loved that, ending the poem with that idea. What is the real life story behind performing this poem for the first time? In my mind, I feel like I was at Java Monkey Speaks, which was an open mic that used to happen in Decatur here at Atlanta. It was an open mic that... The way the coffee shop was made, it doesn't exist anymore, unfortunately. The coffee shop doesn't, Java Monkey Speaks still exists, and they have an Instagram account where you can follow them. It's an open mic that's turned virtual. But the location that we used to have, which was a coffee shop called Java Monkey burned down unfortunately a few years ago. But if you can imagine, it was a coffee shop that had... It was shaped like a shotgun house, even though it was only one story that I remember.

Amena Brown:

So you would walk in and everything was down this like... Like a galley kitchen. It was all down one narrow way. And you walked in and there would be a few coffee shops. Then you went back to the coffee bar and then it turned like an L when you got to the back, and it had a little wine bar. Then it turned again and you would go out to this patio. And the patio was covered, but you were still obviously outside. If I remember right, when I finally finished this poem, it was summer and it would be so hot. Even though the patio was covered and there were fans out there, you just had to be prepared that it was just hot. There was some gravitas to reading this poem for the first time at Java Monkey in the South, in Atlanta, in the summer, and talking about all of the cobbler, the watermelon sticky fingers, all those things that are real memories for a lot of people that grew up in the South.

Amena Brown:

So there was something really beautiful about my memory of that, my first time taking this poem out to the open mic. How do I feel about the poem now? This poem is still one of my favorites. I think when... I'm assuming other performers think through this stuff too, but I know for me, as a person that performs poetry, you have this... As a performing artist, you have some audiences you perform in front of, and they're already familiar with your work. So you may have a different way that you start your set, or different poems you might do, because they're already familiar with you. They're already fans or supporters of your work. But for a lot of indie artists, you're going to have crowds. You're going to perform in front of that, it's their first time finding out who you are.

Amena Brown:

And it's nice to have some poems that lay this introductory groundwork, to give people the feel for, who are you? Where are you from? What brings you to the page? What brings you to the stage? And I love that about Start With Your Roots. I love that it is one of my poems that I have opened up a set with, because it immediately sets the tone for what I am going to be talking about, what I am about. And there may be some other people in the audience that also grew up in the South, so we get to have that nostalgic feeling together. It's still one of my favorite poems to perform for that reason, because it really gives the crowd this little window into who I am and who are the people and things that built me. So, I love that about this poem. It made me also think about when I was in college and our English professors, especially our English writing professors. They would always talk about this concept of, show, not just tell. There's a way you could say, "I was walking down the street," which might be a tell.

Amena Brown:

But if you want to show that you're walking down the street, then you might say, "The sound of my heels click-clacked on the granite as I left the building." Well, when you say, "I was walking down the street," that still gives people some sort of visual. Maybe they think of themselves walking down the street. Maybe they imagine you walking down the street. But when you start talking about the click-clack, the granite, the colors, the sound, the smell, the taste of something, it really shows people where you are. It shows people what you're talking about. It's not just telling them. I don't know, because I've never shared this poem with a former English professor of mine, but I feel like they would be proud that this poem does a lot of showing. And I hope that it evokes the same memories in the listener or in the audience as it evoked for me while writing it. So, that's a little bit of the story of behind the poetry Start With Your Roots. Thank y'all for listening. See y'all next time.

Amena Brown:

Her With Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening. And don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

Transcript: HER With Amena Brown Episode 67

Amena Brown:

Hey, everybody. This week, check out this episode from the HER archives where I talked with Potawatomi author and speaker Kaitlin Curtice. Can you all believe it's been two years of the pandemic? This episode was recorded in May of 2020. Kaitlin and I had planned for our conversation to be a part of her book tour for her book Native: Identity, Belonging and Rediscovering God. The book tour was supposed to be in person, we're supposed to have this conversation in front of an audience but we had to pivot to Instagram live during the shelter in place. Listen in as we discussed Kaitlin's journey of decolonization and reconnecting with her identity as an indigenous woman. Check it out.

Amena Brown:

Are you there?

Kaitlin Curtice:

We did it. Instagram Live.

Amena Brown:

Oh, my gosh. I think you might be my first person that I ever done this type of thing. So-

Kaitlin Curtice:

Thank you.

Amena Brown:

... thank you for joining. Everyone, welcome. Prior to COVID-19, Kaitlin and I were supposed to be doing this live, in full effect in Atlanta. There's going to be a reading, we were going to talk, we were going to-

Kaitlin Curtice:

Drink coffee.

Amena Brown:

... hug you, shake your hands, we were going to do all sorts of things that we can't do now. So, I'm going to hold up Kaitlin's book even though I know it'll be backwards for you all. But this-

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yay.

Amena Brown:

... see it right here. See? You need to do this. So, if you don't have a copy already, please, please, please get your copy and get maybe four more copies. I think you should buy five copies of Kaitlin's book is what I'm telling you. So, get this, you can get this from your favorite bookseller. We are recommending that that is an indie bookseller, if you can do it, we want to make sure we can help our indie booksellers during this time. So, if you have any favorites of those, do that. Kaitlin, we have so much to talk about.

Kaitlin Curtice:

I know.

Amena Brown:

A thousand things but I would love for you to maybe pick a poem from your book, would you do that and do a bit of a reading for us? Kaitlin's book is a mix of poetry and nonfiction, but you will get a chance to hear a little bit of the poetry tonight. So can you share with us?

Kaitlin Curtice:

Okay, I'm going to read. This is the poem from the very beginning of the book. So, from part one called Beginnings and this is the poem. So, the book is split into five sections and each section starts with a poem because I just wanted to give people a breath before you get into the hard stuff. So, this is the poem at the very beginning of the book. Before there was everything, there was nothing. But before there was nothing, there was something.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Something other, unbound, beyond, above, mystery. No one could grasp it then and no one can grasp it now, not even with these realities coming among us and creating something new day in and day out despite our dry and weary bones. Because before us, there was everything, and before everything, nothing was something and something was the beginning and we are just dust from its long, flowing robe.

Amena Brown:

Ugh, you all, I could do all the clapping like you would. So, I just loved getting to hear more of that and we got to hear a little bit of your poetry and lyrical writing in your first book, Glory Happening, which you all are also welcome to go and buy that, too. You can go and buy five copies of that if you'd like to as well. But it's wonderful to have that in each section, yes? There's a poem that corresponds with-

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah, every essay has a prayer that's basically a poem behind it. So, yeah.

Amena Brown:

You all, I just, hmm. Okay, I have a thousand things I'm trying to talk to you about, Kaitlin.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Okay, let's do it.

Amena Brown:

So, let me try to think about even where to begin. I guess the one place where I want to start is decolonization and deconstruction are two big themes in this book, right? And I love that, as a part of your own journey and story, it was really beautiful for me to see that it's not just about decolonizing and deconstructing, it's about what we are rebuilding as well.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

It's about what we decide, we reclaim, we return to, what we make, what we create. You also have this wonderful quote in the book where you say, "Decolonization is always an invitation." Can you tell us more? What has the process been like for you decolonizing in general, decolonizing your spirituality? What does that been like and how do you get from the decolonizing and deconstructing to what you will build, what will be?

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah. So, for those who don't know, decolonization is the very academic term. So, it can literally be like, nations breaking down their systems of colonization but I'm taking it on more of a personal level of let's examine what systems we participate in and let's figure out if we can take the colonization out of those things or step away from colonization. So, within Christianity, I'm asking, "Can we be Christian and get to a Jesus that's not a colonizer, that's not White like we've been taught?"

Kaitlin Curtice:

And what I'm learning and understanding is that deconstruction and decolonization for me have gone hand in hand and that it's not just like you flip on a switch and you're done. It's not like, "I'm the colonized now, it's all good," or, "I've deconstructed now," these are very long processes that, I think, are a lifetime. I mean, this is what being human is, if we're born into a world that's a colonized world, it's going to take our whole lives to continue breaking that down but I think that's also really beautiful because we get to do together, this is what it means to be human.

Kaitlin Curtice:

And I think, for me, it's just, when you become an adult, you begin to ask questions of the systems you grew up in and so it's a natural process to ask these questions and to go on that journey of really considering, "Am I the only one who does this? Are other people doing it?" finding your people. There are so many people who are on this journey, there are so many people who are asking, within Christianity, can this thing be decolonized or not and I think that we have to find new ways to talk about it and we have to journey together through it. This book was hard to write, it was hard to write because decolonizing is, it's painful, you're examining and you're looking and you're facing truth, and then you're digging out what you can get rid of and you're keeping some, it's hard but it's beautiful, it's a beautiful journey, too.

Amena Brown:

I want to know, can you think of, and I'm sure this came up in some book chapters, too, but can you describe to us was there a moment or a catalyst that you felt was a tipping point on you beginning that decolonization journey? In your book, you talk about your time growing up closer to a Native community.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

You talk about your time growing up being in this totally different environment that was very Southern Baptist and White. What was a moment or maybe some key moments where you felt like there was this tipping point in you of saying there is decolonization work I want to do?

Kaitlin Curtice:

Mm-hmm (affirmative). I think Standing Rock was one of the first spaces that just broke me wide open to, okay, this is the indigenous story and I'm part of it and something has to be done. And so, that breaking open, just coinciding with my own journey of listening to myself and honoring my ancestors in a way that I hadn't been taught to do before, coming back to myself in a way. And then that coincided with me, let's say, becoming a worship leader in a church that's progressive and then realizing that they don't actually want the Native parts of me really, that they're uncomfortable with those parts, then it's like, "Well, what do I do?"

Kaitlin Curtice:

It's literally like, "What am I supposed to do right now? Do I stay here? Do I stay with only parts of me in this building and with these people? Do I choose to leave?" And in that moment, I chose to leave and then when I realized that church really might not be a safe place for me anymore, I think that that was like, "Okay, if this system I've grown up in isn't safe like I thought it was and able to deal with my change and transformation, then I don't know how to be a part of it," and so I had to start asking those questions.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Oh, so I participated in these missions, I participated in purity culture, I participated in the way that these people are treating me, I probably participated in that toward someone else. And then you just start going back in time and recognizing all these things that you did. I want to send emails to all the people in high school that I witnessed to and tell them I'm sorry all the time. I just want to be like, "I'm really sorry about that."

Amena Brown:

Yeah, I think about some of the places that I went growing go up on mission trips and just want to be like, "If there was a way to somehow have a translator in this particular community where we were and be like, 'Oh, the people here in their language, I'm sorry for this bull right here. Sorry about that, please.'" Oh, gosh.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

It's such a real thing. It makes me think, too, Kaitlin, just as I was reading through your book and in my own process of decolonization and deconstruction and how both things can be very scary, especially as they are connected to your spirituality and as they might be connected to your personal identity, because then you're starting to be like, "Well, if I start decolonizing and pulling out the books I was told to read and the people's voices I was told to believe are the truth tellers," and then I realize, "Well, they're not telling the truth," and that starts pulling out from under you all these things. Just feeling like you're out there floating now.

Amena Brown:

I remember having this moment when I was in college, and I graduated from Spelman College, and Spelman, for our people watching that aren't familiar with it, Spelman is one of two all Black, all women universities and colleges in America, and I was coming from a Black Pentecostal church background. And I remember the first class I was in where one of my classmates was doing a presentation and she poured libations for her ancestors before she started her presentation and I had no theological framework for that so I was like, "Ooh, the devil is so close."

Kaitlin Curtice:

Clutching your Bible.

Amena Brown:

We will have to rebuke, rebuke hands. Oh, no, I didn't even know how to process any of that, Kaitlin.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

None, right?

Kaitlin Curtice:

Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Amena Brown:

And then years later, and especially as I feel like came into my own more as a poet, as a performer, as a speaker, then it wasn't as odd to me to think about how the women before me are present with me. In my work, as I write, as I'm on stage and you and I just, in our friendship, talk a lot about that, how the women that we know in our family line but even the women ancestors we don't know, how they are informing our process and how we become who we become. Can you tell me how you think about that? How does your connection to, your remembrance of, your honor of your ancestors and, in particular, those women ancestor? How do you find that entering your space as an author, as a writer?

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah. So, the name of our tribe, the Potawatomi tribe means the people of the place of fire and I've always loved fire anyway and so the fire metaphor has always meant a lot to me of keeping that fire burning. And what is beautiful about what you said is the women that we never knew or names we might not even know who are still the ones who came before us like my grandma who's Potawatomi. So, my Potawatomi grandma has visited me in dreams before and I write in the book about, at our last house that we lived in, there was a tree in the backyard that reminded me of her and I don't know why, it just did.

Kaitlin Curtice:

So, when I visited that tree, I felt like I was close to her and it's strange because she died when I was in high school and we never talked about being Potawatomi, it wasn't something we talked about at all. It was just even if she didn't talk about it, she's still Potawatomi and that's still who I am. And for me, I think everything started happening in me, this shift, when I had children because I realized, "What am I going to give them?" They deserve to get more than I got and I want them to have that. I don't want to be ashamed of who I am or not know how to talk about it.

Kaitlin Curtice:

And along the way, when it has been hard, what I've remembered is the women who walked the trail of death. So, the women who marched from Indiana to Kansas in this forced removal who carried their babies and who didn't give up and they knew that along the way that they might lose parts of their culture and they were holding on as hard as they could. And this way that assimilation just takes from us and it's just we hold on for dear life and we claim resilience when and where we can and I just I feel like those women are constantly reminding me of who I am in ways that are probably not even conscious to me, they're just there.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice:

And that is very scary to Christianity, that whole idea.

Amena Brown:

Right.

Kaitlin Curtice:

There's so much of it that is scary to people but so much of the world lives like that. We listen and learn from our ancestors and we learn from ancestors mistakes. I have native and non-native ancestors, I have ancestors who did things that were atrocious that I need to learn from that and be better. I'm aware of the full spectrum of my ancestors and I have to be available to that, to those lessons and make sense of that for my life and do what I need to do. And that's also why decolonizing is so important because I decolonize for all of them. So-

Amena Brown:

Oh, that's so powerful. That's so powerful to think about. I want to ask the question but I got to tell a little bit of a story and I'm more so telling the story for our people that are watching and listening as you and I have talked quite a bit about this when we were not recording for the public. But I took a trip to Rwanda, actually, my last trip to Rwanda, I took with a team of Black leaders and they were leaders in different capacities, some business, some theology, some pastors, there was a lot of different roles each of us had and we were taking this trip through Rwanda, to this particular area and we were riding past this village.

Amena Brown:

And in the village, as we're passing by, it just looks like all the people in this community are working construction is what it looks like. And so, as we're driving past, most of us in the van that we're in are Black from America, and then our guide, she is Rwandan and Black, and then there was one White man from the organization on the American side that we were working with. And so, we stop in this village and while we're there, we're asking, "Well, what's happening here?" because you're just walking by seeing all these people doing construction that you wouldn't think would be doing that kind of building.

Amena Brown:

And so, our guide was explaining to us, she said, "There are people in the community that are elderly, that need better homes, that need access to water so the community is building these homes for them." And so, then, someone else on the bus said, "Well, where are they getting the money?" And she said, "Oh, the government. The government gives them this money to do this building."

Amena Brown:

So, for some of us, in our Black American context, it just conjured up images of the projects and when the government gives money to show people to this one area, tell them this is where they have to be, tell them what materials it has to be built out of and our guide had to tell us, "Oh, no, that's not what I mean." She said, "Our government works in more of a communal way." And so, she was like, "The leaders of the village go to the government and say, 'Here's what our village needs. Our village needs these homes for these elderly people.'" And the government says, "Here are the resources you need for that," and everyone in the community comes together to accomplish it.

Amena Brown:

And she had to explain to us the difference between Rwandan history and American. And as she's talking, I'm also trying to translate, not in a language way, but just translate what she's saying, how would that apply in America?

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

And of course, in the story of Rwanda, we are seeing these two tribal groups of people, one that committed egregious acts of violence against the other, but the party that had been oppressed, the people that had been oppressed came into power in Rwanda and that changed a lot of how the country was led. And so, I said to our rest of our people in the bus, they said, "It's like if you would imagine what would have happened to America if Black and indigenous people had come into power and had been what we are calling the fore parents, the forefathers and foremothers of the country.

Amena Brown:

Imagine if we were looking back to that. And instead of Thomas Jefferson and George Washington and whoever those other names would have been, that those would have been Black and Indigenous people." I always wanted to ask you and would love to just hear you riff on this for a minute. If you could reimagine America, if Black and Indigenous people had come into leadership here, if Black and Indigenous people had built what we are now calling America, what do you imagine this country would have been like?

Kaitlin Curtice:

You know what's so sad and hard about this is that we are so colonized in our thinking that it's hard to even figure it out. It's so hard to even imagined it because we've never seen it and it's so hard to even conceptualize, you know?

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice:

And that's so sad to me that I have to even think hard to get there. But what I think about is these ideas, which is ideas of indigenous people all over the world, these ideas of kinship and belonging and community, it's a communal way. COVID or a pandemic wouldn't be dealt with with these individualists who are rising up, it would have been dealt in a communal way, dealt with in that way. These ideas of how do we take care of each other as a whole and how do we act in relationship to one another in the earth, that's what I imagine is these partnerships and collaborations that come together over caring for the earth and caring for each other. Because that's what I see today in these small collaborations, that's what I see is Black and Indigenous people coming together to say what needs to be better about this and what does decolonizing look like. Well, it looks like we hold each other up and we hold space with each other.

Kaitlin Curtice:

And for Natives, we pay attention to anti-Blackness in the Native community and we talk about that. And, I'm a White passing Native, so I talk about Black and Brown natives and how they face oppression very differently than I do. We just have these honest conversations but they're rooted in kinship and they're rooted in belonging and that is just not the way that America has been built by whiteness, it's not built that way. It is built by manifest destiny and pull yourself up by your bootstraps, all of this empire Christianity mixed. And how would we have grown together in honoring our ancestors then, you know?

Amena Brown:

Right.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Even that, that comes back now, that would be such a different space in our life than it is when we've grown up colonized and within these systems of whiteness.

Amena Brown:

Yeah. You referenced in your book Black Panther and this idea of a place like Wakanda that had not been affected by colonization. And so, when I think about this question, even when I was working on a writing project recently where, in the beginning of what I had to write, I really wanted to honor the Muskogee people because I was writing about something Atlanta related-

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

... and I can't write about this land without writing about that. And as I was digging into some research there, it just made my brain reimagine the nations that were here, are still here and what it would be like if we could have that experience to get to reimagine that. What would it be like to be here in Georgia or in Atlanta where we are and to see what the people who are on this land, what they were like and what they were doing and how we have found ways to participate in some things together and honor the differences. I get really excited about it and then I remember, as we were talking about it at the bus we were in, it brought this deep lament in the bus. I remember, as we were talking about it, we all got really quiet and had to really have a moment of prayer right there and just lamenting that, unfortunately, that's not what happened.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

But I one of the things I have loved, not only about being your friend, but also just learning from you, is this constant reminder that Indigenous people are here, that when we talk about Native and Indigenous people, we're not talking about some long time ago, we are also talking about today. And I'd love to hear from you who are the Indigenous leaders although we think about what would have happened if Black and Indigenous people had been the founding government of America? And thankfully, we have so many Black and Indigenous leaders who are organizing today who are reimagining America, right?

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

Who are maybe some of those people or just some of the work that is really inspiring you right now?

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah, I love that. Because even in Native, I've mostly tried to cite Indigenous authors just because if my book is the first book that anyone reads by an Indigenous person, that, first, makes me sad because I don't want it to be my book that's the first one, I want it to be someone better than me. But I hope that they go to the back and see this list of all these possibilities and it's not like I'm citing all Christian Natives, it's people, I mean, it's socialists, whatever, whatever kind of Native, just read about us, learn something different, learn the truth about our history.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Oh, gosh. Okay, I have so many leaders that I love but Tara Houska who's a climate activist, Winona LaDuke who runs Honor the Earth, they're just incredible. I buy wild rice from them and so they harvest pipeline free wild rice, so just reconnecting back to the land. Dallas Goldtooth and my friend Nick Estes both help with organizations that are just doing incredible work and I just love it because we all might imagine things a little differently in the way that we decolonize.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Right now, all that I can get to is I need to decolonize my Christianity and they're talking about the systems and they're talking about governments and they're talking to indigenous people all over the world. So, it's like we're all having this conversation in our different contexts, you know?

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Some of us are academics, some of us are not academics, some of us are artists and we're just trying to create what we can where we can and I think that that's really powerful and important.

Kaitlin Curtice:

What's sad to me is I see these incredible people, and I know that in the general audience of America, they're not going to be heard and I'm not going to be heard. Because the indigenous story is so much in the past to people and I hope that books like mine help wake people up to that reality that we're here and we're creating things and we are leading, whether you recognize it or not, we're leading things.

Amena Brown:

Yes, yes. This is my reminder to you all, if you are late to this conversation, this is Kaitlin's new book, Native, just out this week. Go, as soon as you finish listening to us, and buy five. Buy five copies of her book.

Kaitlin Curtice:

That was the magic number.

Amena Brown:

Okay, I want to ask you also about ritual and ceremony. You talk about this in your book, we talked about it, too, but you write about this in your book and the importance of that in your heritage and in how you are reincorporating certain things into your Christian spirituality as well. And I would love to know, specifically, what are the rituals or the ceremony, the honoring that became a part of your writing process in this book? Did you find yourself returning to certain things or certain ways of being? You talked about this tree that you had at one of the places where you lived, what are some of the things you found yourself returning to as you were in the writing process on this book?

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah. So, this book was really, at times, painful to write. A lot of times, for me, writing is self-care and it's good to process through writing, parts of this book were like, "I'm going to have to write about this really traumatic thing and I really don't want to but I know it's important." And there were moments where I had to smudge, before I was writing, sideburn sage or I would do some of my Potawatomi online lessons just because it's just like grounding myself in our language.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Because learning to pray in Potawatomi was one of the first things that made it so real to me that we have this beautiful, rich heritage and story that I was never aware of until adulthood and it was like I was so thirsty and hungry for something and I didn't know what it was until I knew what it was. And so, praying in Potawatomi has been just such a balm to me and like good medicine to me. It's funny because I've always been weirdly ritualistic. So, I'll be like, "I want to wear this ring every time I do this thing," or I would do weird stuff like that.

Kaitlin Curtice:

So, for this tour, I'm wearing the same lipstick for every event because I don't know why, I just am, but for some reason it's important to me. So, when I was traveling and speaking, I had a braid of sweetgrass that a friend gave to me and I would take it everywhere I went to speak. And I have earrings that have sacred medicine in them that a friend gave me and I would wear those when I spoke, so just these things that are just good energy and protection that a lot of people probably wouldn't understand. There's a song by Frank Waln that's called Good Way and I would listen to it before certain talks if I was really stressed because it's a song about just living in a good way and honoring yourself and honoring your creator and it's just a beautiful song by an Indigenous person so it would ground me in what I was about to do.

Kaitlin Curtice:

And because I go and speak in predominantly White spaces and I speak at places where I don't know how I'm going to be received, it's been really important for me to ground myself in my reality. Like, "This is who I am. That fire is in me, this is why I'm called to do this work, this is why I won't give up." And when the certain events are especially hard, I have to just have the music and the earrings and the sweet grass, I need these things to hold me because I just need to remember.

Amena Brown:

Yeah, same, same same. I miss it terribly right now that I'm not able to do stage work but-

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

... when I was doing all this stage work, imagining 18-year-old me that was like, "Libations in the name ... No." And then all these years later, I feel like one of the times in life that I feel that presence of my grandmother or my great grandmothers or even the women before me that I didn't know is that few moments right before I have to go on stage.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

I mean, that's just always a time of prayer for me and always a time of calling upon their courage, the courage that it takes to stand in what was their moment and experience those parts and I think having rituals to remind us of that, I think, is so beautiful. And I have a request, because one of my favorite poems in here was one that you wrote to your ancestors, would you read that for us?

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah. Let me get my book. My phone's dying so I'm like, "No," getting to a charger, oh, my god, Guys. Doing technology is hard, it is hard.

Amena Brown:

It is so hard.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Okay, hold on. Let me put my charger where it won't fall. So, I set a rock on the cord so that it is in place. I got it down, don't worry. Okay, let me find it. Okay, yeah. So, this is a chapter, the chapter is called Ancestors and this is a poem that I wrote to my ancestors. Passed on one, I see you there, not your skin and bones, nor the frame that once held you. I see your aura, your spirit, your essence. I see the glow of who you once were and who you are today. I see somehow the imprint of what you've left me here. It's not a thumbprint but some other form of spirit code somehow the shape of you carves lines into the essence of who I am, somehow I am enough because you were enough.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Ancestor, your name will always be the sound of breath in my lungs. Ancestor, your face will always look like the face of my own children. Ancestor, your essence will always feel like the wind when it slips through the tree branches singing a song. You, dear one, lead me still. I feel the gifts you've left me and I wonder how much more is waiting. I learn my own way as I reckon with your mistakes and realize that you were human once like I am human now. I wonder how much you notice from the other side. What does God feel like? I'll wait and one day you'll show me.

Amena Brown:

Oh, oh I love that so much.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Thank you.

Amena Brown:

That question of what does God feel like, it's so powerful, Kaitlin. Okay, I have one more quote I want to read. You all, Kaitlin and I are just going to be talking till Instagram be like, "You all can't talk no more." So, we're just going to keep talking till it's done. But I have one other question I wanted to ask and that was just this powerful section you had. This is from the chapter Self-examined. And you have this quote here that says, "For Black people, indigenous people and people of color, it is especially difficult to approach the topic of self-care because the system of self-care is often so unreachable for those who do not have the money to take care of themselves.

Amena Brown:

There are many layers of privilege in the conversations and self-care is often commodified, becoming yet another product of capitalism. When this happens, it also becomes harder for many of us to care for ourselves, we must consider all of this and we must consider how our oppressive systems keep so many from getting the care they need. Self-care is for everyone to help us be more healthy humans, but to get there, we all need to be honest about how the system of self-care works for all of us."

Amena Brown:

Whoo, I love that you took some time to excavate this because I think self-care is a question I want to ask every woman of color that I ever interviewed. I always want to know how are you taking care of yourself in the midst of resisting empire, in the midst of decolonizing, in the midst of the deconstruction, in the midst of facing White supremacy every day, how are you taking care of yourself? And then sometimes, in some shallow ways, it's like what's being put upon us is this idea that it's getting your nails done, it's getting massages. And I'm not saying those things can't be self-care but you examining here the systems of self-care was so powerful and I think it gives us a more holistic idea of what that actually means. And I would love to hear you talk more about how you find yourself finding a process of what holistic self-care looks like beyond the capitalism, beyond how commodified it's become. What are your thoughts?

Kaitlin Curtice:

It's funny. So, when I started therapy, I couldn't afford it so the therapist I started seeing already knocked it down a lot and then one of my followers on Twitter was like, "I'll pay for your first six months of therapy. Just tell me how much it is, just PayPal me an amount and I'll pay for your sessions." And so, that's how I got to go to therapy, otherwise, I never would have been able to afford it. But at the same time, I know the privilege that I have to even have the resources or access to even get to a therapist that's a good one, so that's why I'm saying it's so layered and it's not a straight conversation.

Kaitlin Curtice:

But when you have women, I'm not trying to judge, when you have women who are like, "I had a self-care day. I went to the spa and then I had lunch with my best friend and then I went shopping and then I had dinner with my other best friend and then I went and saw a movie." That's amazing and I love that you get to do that, most of us can't do that and, at the end of the day, I have to ask what self ... For me, getting my nails done doesn't do anything, but for a long time, I felt like that was what I was supposed to do for self-care because I was told that.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Like, "Go get your nails done, that's what women do for self-care." And then I'll be like, "Oh, you're right," and then I'd go do it and then I spent a lot of money and I didn't like it and then they chipped after two days and I was like, "What am I doing?"

Amena Brown:

Same.

Kaitlin Curtice:

"I didn't enjoy this." And so, I've had to be honest about what self-care is for me and it's things like learning my language. It literally is things like smudging and burning sage to cleanse my anxiety, deep breathing, which is free, that's something that I like-

Amena Brown:

Deep breathing, people, which is free. Wow.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Doing breathing exercises has helped so much with my anxiety. And then, self-care for me is learning to break down these systems of people pleasing and saying yes to things that I've had to do, that I have to start being honest about and that's the hard self-care. That's not like the, "I'm going to spend an afternoon with the magazines and just chill out and watch a movie," which is also self-care for me. That hard self-care of I'm going to look at these systems that I've been taught to participate in as a woman and I'm going to choose not to have to smile all the time and I'm going to choose to say no to things and that, for me, has been some real self-care that's hard self-care.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Because self-care isn't always fun either, but I think we've packaged it like it's supposed to be fun, shopping is fun. I definitely walk around Goodwill, well, I used to when it was open, I would walk around Goodwill for self-care. I would just walk around and shop at Goodwill, which is cheap, so-

Amena Brown:

Self-care that is inexpensive, people. A jam. I'm back in therapy now. We celebrate those who are able to access therapy or access those things, whether that can be books or podcasts, whatever you can access that can help you begin to do that healing but I was in a place where I was like, "I need to save up this money and see a professional." So, I had one of my first sessions with her and she was like, "I think you need to do some journaling and I'm going to send you some prompts." And I was like, "Do what now?" She was like, "Every day, I want you to journal on one of these prompts and then I want to talk about it next time we meet." And it was one of those moments where I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry. You want me to work?" We don't think about that as it relates to self-care. I feel like that's a-

Kaitlin Curtice:

Hard.

Amena Brown:

And I remember what you we're saying ... Yes, healing and growing can be hard sometimes, it will not always be relaxing but it will lead us to peace.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah. And these systems are built for us to not get self-care. These systems don't want us, they don't want me to consider my identity, they don't want me to learn about all that I am, they don't want me to write this book. I'm at the number one new release in Christian spiritual growth still and it just makes me laugh because all the other books are just these very evangelical, mostly White books and I'm there, hanging on at the top. And it's so ironic because I speak against so much of the Christian growth, the stuff we talk about right now. I'm saying other things but these are things that I think will actually make us grow is by doing this really hard stuff and it worked.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice:

It is a form of collective self-care if you want to think of it that way, decolonizing is self-care, too.

Amena Brown:

That is so true. It doesn't feel like the definition we have but I love that. I love that you went to that point in your book and you're giving us a broader definition of that. And I think there's so much of your book that's calling us back, not just to our individual thoughts and feelings, but also how does our individual healing and growth connect to the collective?

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

To the community-

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

As you are processing, how does that connect to your Potawatomi heritage? That's one of the things that really meant a lot to me reading this, that it's reminding us to be communal.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yes.

Amena Brown:

And to be indigenous, to honor indigenous people is to be reminded that we are communal people, we are not individualistic people, right?

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

So, they haven't kicked us off yet, Kaitlin. I don't know if anybody has any questions. If they have questions, they better be right questions or I'm not asking her.

Kaitlin Curtice:

[laughs]

Amena Brown:

I do want to ask you this, though. The book is out now and there are all these phases to book writing, right? There's the initial moment where you're like, "I think this is the book I need to write." And then there's when you do the actual writing and then, for those of you that have not written books yet, you have written your book and then there's almost like this pause, this calm before the storm experience before the book comes out where, in a way, you're almost able to ignore this and act like these vulnerable things you have written are not about to turn out into the public. And then it's time for your book to come out, this is book release week for you. How does it feel seeing the words be out there? I'm assuming you're already getting responses from people as they're reading. How does this phase of this particular book feel now that it's out there?

Kaitlin Curtice:

I have had so much anxiety about this book because it's a book that a lot of people won't like for a lot of reasons and that's okay. It's a very personal book, it's really digging into a lot of my own stuff. But what I realized this week, when the book came out and people started speaking back to me what I wrote and talking about it, I was able to finally tell people what the books about because I feel like I had interviews in that lull where people would be like, "So, what's your book about?" And I'd be like, "Um," and then it would take me 20 minutes to figure out how to tell people and now I know what to say.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice:

I know what the book is about because someone read it and they told me. They told me what it's about and that reflected what I hoped it was about and so we're good now.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice:

It was a weird space in there and I don't know. People on the internet have been really amazing so far, just so supportive and it's so scary to release the book in a pandemic, "What in the world?" There's no way to know how it's going to go. And so, to have this support has been awesome. It's been really beautiful. I'm really surprised by it.

Amena Brown:

I talked to Kaitlin on the phone earlier today, you all, and I told her it was just making me so happy seeing everyone sharing your book and supporting you because your voice is so needed. And for those of you that are new to the conversation, Kaitlin and I put out our last books on the same day, actually.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

So, we were walking together through that whole, oh, my god, what do we do felling. So, I got to have that experience with you with your first book which was also so wonderful, so it just did my heart a lot of good to see how much people are supporting this and the people on here are going to support it. They're going to be buying five of these books at the time, you all can buy one for yourself. The good thing about buying five books, people, is when people are like, "Oh, man, I would love a copy of Kaitlin's book," you can be like, "Boom, I got it." You know? Okay, we do have one question. Oh, it's Jess asked, "How do you respond when someone claims that you aren't a believer because of how they perceive your theology to be something that's unconventional?"

Kaitlin Curtice:

Oh, well. We can just talk about what happened at Baylor a few months ago. That's where they were like, "She's" ... Oh, and they called me a pagan sympathizer which just funny to me because I would rather just be called pagan, I don't really know what your point is. What I'm learning is that the more that I push back on Christianity and what people think Christianity is, the more that I receive this negative pushback and I'm learning to take it as a, not medal of honor, but I'm okay with it.

Kaitlin Curtice:

I think it would be harder to receive it from close friends or from friends that have known me for a long time that are like, "What are you doing?" who just don't understand. Of course, that's harder when you get it from your personal people. But when the Baylor thing happened, it was really hard but then there was this, again, on Twitter, all these people were like, "Go buy Kaitlin's book. This is why her work matters," and I just was so overwhelmed by that.

Kaitlin Curtice:

And so, I just have to look to my ancestors, look to why we have gone through this and then look to the people, whether they're Christian or not, who have always supported me and I know and I know that they will. And there are people who, because my book is with Christian Publishing House, won't buy it because they think I'm writing a book like every other Christian.

Amena Brown:

Right.

Kaitlin Curtice:

And it's one of those things where you just have to read it and see what you think because it's not going to be what you think it is either way. I am in the Christian world but it would bother a lot of Christians, what I've written and so-

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice:

But I'm okay with that.

Amena Brown:

Look, I'm trying to tell you. And I think even as we've been talking about, which is so present here in your book, as we've been talking about what deconstruction and decolonization look like, I was just talking to my husband about how, as I was growing up, I had a very binary faith and it worked for me for a long time until I was like, "Well, life is getting real."

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

"It's not so binary. What does that mean?" And I think there were so many things I was taught to believe in various, not just my upbringing as a child, but my upbringing in different faith environments that made me feel like, if I start asking more questions, if I start feeling like some definitions I used to have are broadening, that that's the slippery slope.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah.

Amena Brown:

I mean, that was the actual term like, "You're going to get down there, it's going to be a slippery slope." My husband and I always joke, there's always this phrase people will say, "Be careful." And I'm like, "Five Es, beeeee careful."

Kaitlin Curtice:

Five Es.

Amena Brown:

And he'll be like, "I'm just trying to learn a few things. It's not like I'm literal ice sliding down to some ..."

Kaitlin Curtice:

I'm going down on literal ice.

Amena Brown:

"No broken bone here. I was just doing-"

Kaitlin Curtice:

Scary enough, that metaphorical ice.

Amena Brown:

Yeah.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Watch out.

Amena Brown:

You know?

Kaitlin Curtice:

It is, it's really scary, it's scary and I know we scare people but it's okay. It's okay to be challenged, that's how we grow. You read a thing and you're like, "I don't know if I like that," and then you think about it for five days and you decide more whether it might be something to consider, that's what we do as humans and that's okay.

Amena Brown:

Okay, we got two more questions, Kaitlin. You have time? I know you have other engagements.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah, two more is good and then we'll leave.

Amena Brown:

Okay. So, first question is, what's your favorite coffee that you're drinking right now?

Kaitlin Curtice:

Oh, gosh.

Amena Brown:

Do you have a fave?

Kaitlin Curtice:

We buy our coffee from a local international market here in Atlanta, they roast their beans there. Have you bought their coffee at the Dekalb Farmers Market?

Amena Brown:

Girl-

Kaitlin Curtice:

Do you know-

Amena Brown:

[crosstalk 00:48:55]

Kaitlin Curtice:

... they roast their beans there?

Amena Brown:

I don't know. Let me find out.

Kaitlin Curtice:

They roast their beans there, it's really good. But anyway, we buy a light roast coffee bean bag, bag of coffee beans at the market and then we bring it home and grind it and it's our favorite. I like South American blends if that's the kind of thing you're wanting to know. I don't like African blends as much, they're more acidic for me and they hurt my stomach a little. So, I like South American like Brazil and Colombia.

Amena Brown:

Wow, I just may have learned more about coffee than anticipated, so thank you.

Kaitlin Curtice:

You're welcome.

Amena Brown:

Someone also asked what did you learn about yourself while writing this book?

Kaitlin Curtice:

Oh, gosh, I learned so much. There's this quote by E.E. Cummings, I sent it to Glennon the other night too but it's be courageous enough to grow up and become who you really are. And I think that this book was just that next step for me to grow up and become who I am, to look at my own story. Hi, sis. Oh, my sister's here. To look at my own story from my perspective, just to take it from myself and go through my childhood and just say who was I at these phases of life and what am I learning? What am I learning about myself now? And just to have that conversation with myself and then let everyone listen in on it and I learned so much, so much, yeah.

Amena Brown:

Oh, that's so good. You all, I could talk to Kaitlin all night long and, thankfully, Instagram must have gave us a few extra minutes because Kaitlin's amazing. So, I want to remind you to do this, this book right here, you can get this wherever you like to buy your books. Five of them, that would be the best thing. Kaitlin Curtice, do you have any closing words you want to share with the people? Do you have any upcoming things you want to tell the people? And of course, if the people are not following you, they need to do that, too.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Yeah, there's a whole bunch of podcasts that are coming up soon. I did one with The Liturgists yesterday and just a bunch of podcasts. And so, please read the book and review it online and tell people about it because, yeah, I've just been so encouraged by the conversations that are already being started because of it. So, please buy it and read it. I would love that.

Amena Brown:

Kaitlin, thank you for-

Kaitlin Curtice:

Thank you.

Amena Brown:

... letting me be part of your virtual book tour.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Of course.

Amena Brown:

Thank you all for joining us and listening. This will be available on my IG for the next 24 hours and you don't know, Kaitlin and I might get back together and talk about all sorts of things, you don't know.

Amena Brown:

You make sure you do this, you want to get this for yourself. Okay?

Kaitlin Curtice:

[crosstalk 00:51:44]

Amena Brown:

Kaitlin, thank you so much.

Kaitlin Curtice:

Thank you. Bye, guys.

Amena Brown:

I love talking to Kaitlin. I hope you enjoyed listening in on our conversation and I'm hoping to have her back on the podcast very soon. To find out more about Kaitlin, visit kaitlincurtice.com, that's K-I-T-L-I-N-C-U-R-T-I-C-E.com. And don't worry, if you do not get this spelling correct, you can get the correct spelling and other tidbits, links, things from the show in the show notes. You can check out the show notes at amenabrown.com/herwithamena. See you all next week.

Amena Brown:

HER with Amena Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network, in partnership with iHeart Radio. Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.